Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czB0QWCQND8
live already damn that was quick Jesus louus this episode of The Joe Rogan Experience is brought to I said my name [ __ ] this episode of the podcast is brought to you by Ting Ting is a mobile cell phone company shouldn't say mobile shouldn't say car phone either don't say that people know you're over 40 Ting is a cell phone company I guess you call a cell phone company that does things differently and what they do is they they they use the Sprint backbone and they do everything their way no contracts no early terminations fees they sell you the phone instead of this [ __ ] when you if you buy a phone from a regular provider not a regular provider but one of the big ones what you're doing is you're not really buying the phone for the most part what you're doing is you're paying for some of the phone up front like the phone only cost 200 bucks with a you know with a contract the phone is really like 600 bucks but they trick you into getting in debt with them and then when you want to leave they go oh well you can't leave unless you you give us this early termination fee you they [ __ ] you they they make you pay God damn it they take your money bird Crusher is that what they're doing with the cell phones yes do you not understand this I F I I've been so out of the cell phone game for so long how do you get out of my wife does it all that's nice she'll be like you're available for an upgrade you can get a new phone you just pass all off to her oh dude beautiful she's like a great lab partner that's great I just cheat off her homework I help she helps me on the tests but I but I'm the cool guy on the table so all the other Lab Partners like think our table must be fun don't you earn the money though yeah that's what I that's the part I do and I make us friends with people like my wife will meet the people but I'm the closer I'm the franchise player there you go um 98% of people would save money with Ting the way Ting handles it you don't pay like a certain set amount per month either and I think in the future this going to be with all cell phone companies are going to be forced to do remember back in the day when cell phone companies they used to uh they used to charge you if you were roaming and you could Roam by just driving to your [ __ ] friend's house
you I lived in loots in Tampa if you went to my house you were [ __ ] roaming isn't that crazy and you would see the thing on the top of your phone oh [ __ ] I'm roaming God damn it and it wasn't far and you know it also used to be that long distance would cost you a fuckload of money if you would call someone in New York it would cost you a fuckload of money all that stuff is gone now it's gone long distance on your phone is gone on your cell phone's gone it's all gone and the reason why it's gone is because it's a good reason it's because of competition and competition is also causing a company like ting to show up and what Ting does is they sell you the very best Android phones available they have the Samsung Galaxy Note 3 they have the HTC1 M8 which is the newest HTC1 that they they just got they got the Samsung Galaxy S5 the LG Flex all the cool dope ass Android phones they sell them to you at a very reasonable rate you own it and you can cancel at any moment 98% of people would save money with Ting and if you go to rogan.com you will save 25 bucks off of any of your first delicious Android phones that's rogan.com we're also brought to you by onit that's o n niit t I haven't taken my on it today I might sound stupider than normal I haven't taken my Alpha Brain I took Alpha Brain this morning there it is here it is sweet [ __ ] what on it is is a human optimization website what we do is we sell you everything that we have found to be beneficial whether it's for strength and conditioning whether it's for cognitive enhancing performance whether it's for athletic performance like shroom Tech sport if you're a person that works out I will guarantee you this try shroom Tech sport you will have more energy when you exercise and it won't be some [ __ ] caffein like Speedy type feeling it's all based on the corps mushrooms it's really fascinating stuff Corps sinensis thousands of years of use by people not really smarter than you but they knew more [ __ ] about mushrooms the 5htp in the new mood actually like if you get obsessive compulsive about stuff it will dial that [ __ ] back 100% really oh yes I I well I get into like little spirals sometimes so for you it does that for me 100% if you take new mood and I'm not
even [ __ ] around I think it I I can Mark a difference when you get obsessive about something and you can't let it go that's weird so you think that your obsessive thing is like a mental like a chemical thing I oh yeah oh completely I think I think what I do is I I steal all my dopamine at night from my body steal it and then during the day my body's going like jonesing for it like and then and so what it does to get rid of it is just makes me think about one thought over and over and over again like like a bad thought do you ever try to do something about that other than take new mood uh yeah yeah it's it's hard to get out of man I I'll tell you a story when we get done this ad about when I thought I had General warts oh Jesus let's get it that was the first time I dealt with this let's get done right now so we can get into that go to Rogan go to uh on it.com o n nit.com use the code word Rogan save 10% off any and all supplements all the supplements have a 100% money back guarantee the first 30 pills you have 90 days try it you don't like it you don't even have to return the the product you don't have to return the bottle you have to just say this stuff sucks you get your money back it's cuz we're trying to sell you the best [ __ ] that we possibly can find where no one's trying to rip you off and if you don't like it you're some kind of [ __ ] weirdo we don't want to do business with you anyway son all right to the music bur Crushers here let's make [ __ ] happen let's get real let's get freaky with it the first beer has been C podcast check it out The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day powerful bird Crusher it's just me and Bert and Jamie even though I told [ __ ] Brian to be here on time I call him at 11:00 waking him up my second my second alarm didn't go off [ __ ] be there on time got to be early tomorrow no problem no problem that [ __ ] you know what it's like having an employee like that I only know what it's like to have him as a friend and that's [ __ ] fascinating it's fascinating yeah imagine relying on him anyway we're here we're queer get used to it it's so funny that you guys like are still as close as you are and considering that you guys
met via the online and like him doing videos because everyone's like that if you have a podcast everyone's like I want to be a red band I want to be a red band I'll come to your house man we'll hang out I can't imagine how like it's like that you guys are that that that worked you know that you and Brian worked that that he wasn't a lunatic and he just and you guys are he's definitely a lunatic but he's he's talented and he's funny he's he's in his own weird ways you know he's a quirky little guy yeah he's a an odd fella it's an interesting mix you know it's dude being in uh like getting the trickle down effect of your friends into my life has been fascinating like Amber Lion I had her on my podcast I only had her on my podcast cuz like I know you guys had a fascinating conversation then Duncan talked to her someone was like you guys should podcast she comes over to my house she's [ __ ] amazing yeah she's cool really insanely smart yeah it's like and like Stan hope I was telling you st hope St hope and I just met the other night and like hung out we had known each other through stand up he call he calls me he's like I'm coming in hot I'm I'm out of bur's house and you know Stan hope when he's like that shaky morning I I'm going to I'm going to be there early okay so I told my wife I go I'm going to go run and get beer for Stan hope and you can hang out with him she's like I'm not hanging out with Doug Stan hope she's like no [ __ ] way so I go you go get beer I'll wait for Stan hope and they just happen to meet on the front porch and here's the thing that no one gets about Stan hope he is a very real person like he's not like they think he's this guy on stage that's like abortion and AIDS and rape and but he's like a genuinely a real person so we go back we drink we do a podcast for like [ __ ] 4 hours what time was this where you 3 in the afternoon oh okay I thought you it was the morning no 3: in the afternoon we start and then my wife and this is what blew me away is my wife goes you know just hey we're I'm serving the girls dinner Doug would you like to stay for dinner now we already everyone knows the answer you're expecting to hear is no I'm not going to hang out with your family but Doug is such a real [ __ ] person he's like I'd like that
so we sat down with my daughters why do you find that so odd that's strange because so um maybe it's me because cuz I but so many people would be like no no no no like that intimacy like to share a meal with a family that intimacy that not everyone has dou I don't know maybe it's I've known Doug for so long you've known Doug for I think the what people know of Doug is different than what you know of Doug well I think it's one of those things where whenever someone's a comedian it's like this rabble rousing drinking you know abortion proponent yeah like Doug is you just assumed that it's an act and that he's just like this like Kennison guy like all day long but when Doug talks about something on stage it's because these are like actual opinions that he's formulated yeah this one of the things that's a real problem with that kind of edgy comedy one of the reasons why edgy comedy a lot of times sucks the the distastefulness a lot of it what it comes from is a lot of these [ __ ] guys that are faking it what they're doing is they're trying to be edgy they're trying to find the edgy point of view I mean how many times you gone to like either an open mic night or a showcase night and there's a comic that goes up that's saying a bunch of like really mean [ __ ] that's not funny but he thinks it's going to be funny if he's just edgy you know if he just says something inflammatory or rude or mean or you know yeah I was I was that comic I think to an extent like I didn't know what my voice was yeah I think a lot of us were I I definitely was in the beginning you you become that because you're just trying to I always describe the two stages of Comedy the first stage is just trying to figure out what works like you're terrified you don't want to bomb you're just trying to just it's almost like you have tools like how do I cut this wood can I use a saw Yes the Saw Works uh can I use a hammer no you can't cut with a hammer okay don't try the hammer again yeah you know and then there's a while where you're like stay the [ __ ] away from hammers hamers really hamers [ __ ] and then people will give you advice dude I brought up a hammer in Fort Lauderdale the audience killed me okay no more hammers or someone like Hotel will go dude I like the way you
use that hammer and you're like even though I'm bomed I'm sticking with the [ __ ] Hammer with the hammer back with the hammer we're going to rework the hammer tell likes the hammer likes the hammer it's so true if your friend that becomes a real problem with Comics by the way shout out to the young comedians out there and listening do not try to make the back of the room laugh oh that becomes a real issue and it's ruined guys careers where Comics will say obscure [ __ ] just to make their comedian friends go ha you are only making someone laugh who knows you're doing like anti-c comedy yeah there's guys that have like that were talented funny guys that thought that like telling an actual funny joke was beneath them and what they wanted to do was only make the comics laugh because those are their peers and they [ __ ] themselves man they there's a lot of guys that [ __ ] themselves doing that the difference is when you hear someone who does does make the back of the room laugh with his obscure joke he didn't write it like I'll use the tell as an example I remember the line was I was sitting in the back with Patrice and I I'm by the way I apologize if my memory of this these events isn't accurate but but I'm telling you what I remember I was with the Patrice in the back of the uh comedy seller sitting next to P Patrice and I weren't like good friends at all but Lisa Lampanelli walked through and he made a joke about her this is before she was who she is today right he made a joke about her and she laughed and and then he didn't and then he said the joke was and I hate that I'm even saying this now but he's like oh look at her she's she's smiling like the special needs girl after she got raped by the softball team or the baseball team I'll see you guys tomorrow and I remember Patrice and our own [ __ ] stitches and we were like but he wasn't he was really hoping everyone would get that but no one got it except for the two of us what do you mean by get it like get the joke like the joke was and it was very it's very obscure but there was a book written and I was I only no this cuz I was working at Barnes & Noble at the time there was a book written about a baseball team that raped a a mentally challenged girl oh and in Jersey and they all got away with it
whoa yeah they all got away with it and but the joke was I'm I'm [ __ ] butchering this and tells G be like I never said that I don't because now it's like out of context I'm making him sound bad right but I don't mean to but I remember Patrice and I laughed [ __ ] hysterically and she laughed too she laughed but she laughed the joke was oh look at her she's laughing like the special needs girl that just got raped by the baseball team and said okay I'll see you guys tomorrow like like the the special needs girl didn't understand that what had just happened was horrible to her and Dave was making that analogy that she didn't understand that he wasn't being nice right right right yeah people gave a lot of [ __ ] to Lisa Lampanelli people gave a lot of [ __ ] Leisa lampell and I don't get along really yeah how come you guys don't get along I I was doing radio one time in Tampa with my buddy Cowhead and I was I lived in T I wasn't doing dates I was just hanging out uhuh and uh and I my I was visiting my family and I'd go in and do radio in the morning and she came by and she was like he needs to leave and CO's like oh he's not promoting anything he's just here she's like yeah I don't do radio with other comics and he's like yeah but he's a friend of the show he just he'll trust me Bert's good he'll just laugh he'll have a good time he'll set you up and she was like well then I don't do the show and he's like well he's my friend I'm not going to ask him to [ __ ] leave she was like he either leaves or I leave and I was like and I actually kind of knew her and so I went I went to go save something to her and when I guess as soon as she saw me she [ __ ] bolted and so I was like what the [ __ ] was that like I would never how long ago is this this was a long time she so long ago she probably don't remember but like uh probably N9 years ago seven years ago wow and I just was like I was like I was cuz I I wanted to pay her like the biggest [ __ ] compliment cuz I'd known her when she would wear the gold chains on stage and the ring gold chains oh she used to go on stage with the with a huge Mercedes emblem around her neck yeah and gold Rings all over her hands no way swear to God and and and be like a rapper like oh no like yo yo yo yo I'm down with the black dude like it wasn't
it wasn't a thought out act like she has like her act now is a lot more clean right she would wear like a costume on stage and and I wanted to compliment her and maybe she maybe she was afraid I'd say that I don't know but I wanted to compliment her and say you're killing it like I was excited to see her but she didn't want me in the room that's wild maybe she takes so much [ __ ] or took so much [ __ ] from comedians that she just didn't want to have anything to do with the the possibility of being judged I I you I could relate to that feeling I kind get understand it totally especially if she did a lot of you know she experimented with a lot of stuff and tried really hard and a lot of people like gave her a hard time for her racial jokes saying that she was trying too hard to be edgy and they would just be really mean to her but I never got into that man the my take on comedy is if I don't like it why would I be mad at you like I get it if it sucks I don't want to listen to it I don't want to be there yeah but why would I be mad at you like and to for me to want to sabotage someone I never I would never do that I don't like confrontation yeah so I could never do that and I was and if you make me laugh I can't help it you make me laugh Lisa Lampanelli made me laugh maybe just [ __ ] too many dudes were [ __ ] with her you know maybe maybe it was just too much so she just had this keep your eyes on the prize type thing in her head and you know this guy's gonna [ __ ] with my vibe get him out probably I mean I was a lot more I was really burned up about it when it happened and I was like I was like [ __ ] Le lelli but I don't care I don't think I don't feel that way at all now I'm I'm I'm so I'm it's neat to see her succeed in like the global kind of way that she is but yeah so this is like 2005ish probably she was getting a lot of heat for being a hack back then by a lot of comics cuz that was when she was just starting to become successful and you know that thing when people just start to become successful the wave of resentment from all the [ __ ] sh all the comedians are just [ __ ] on you dude I think that I think that makes people not want to succeed oh that's crazy I think there are s sa sabotaging people were you just oh I don't think maybe they're [ __ ] they were never going to
they're just looking for a reason to not succeed if that's the case if it's because somebody calls you a hack I'm obsessed right now with the with the type of comic that um the maybe the art form of standup isn't as important as Fame and like getting to like the fame of it why would you be obsessed with not obsessed about well honestly uh not obsessed about it but it's definitely where my head's at right now because I think in in promoting the book that I've promoting non [ __ ] stop you feel like this disconnect from from reality and you and you then I look at like guys that are not really Comics per se but then go out and and it's just more more about being famous as opposed to being you know what I mean is that making any sense totally you ever take an acting class no have you ever took an acting class you'd be around those [ __ ] people 247 they're [ __ ] empty that's all they do yeah they're just looking to get it or you know what they really should have they should have reality TV classes if you really wanted to get sick people just this is how you get a that's what we should do we should start a [ __ ] seminar on how to become a reality TV star reality TV star is exactly what I'm talking about like the guys who just it's it's not about anything other than just being famous and and and you and I could probably qualify to teach that I mean you were on Trip Flip yeah you were on your other shows before that those are all sort of reality shows you know and me Fear Factor that's you want some that that's sort of a reality show too I mean it's all reality you know but if we wanted to do that we wanted to do a quote unquote reality show we easily could get that done yeah you know we could we could start coaching people on how that would be hilarious coaching people on how to be like the most vapid reality star ever this is what you have to do teach them about conflict you got to get involved with in conflict with people online as many famous people as possible Twitter Wars are good for business like teach them about Twitter Wars teach them how to make YouTube videos calling people out and you know this is the way to get it is the most amount of hits photoshop your head head on porn star's bodies release it all over the internet people
think it's real you got to have a porn tape if you can have a porn tape get a porn tape but if you have a little dick stay away from the porn tape God you imagine if if you have a porn tape and it backfires like if you do a porn tape and you got a little tiny dick like you have no reference for what how big a dick is maybe you don't watch porn maybe it's like a comic who's never really watched comedy you go on stage you don't know what you're doing you never really watched porn didn't that guy who was the [ __ ] shooter in Santa Barbara say that he didn't watch porn because he would get jealous of the men in the porn videos I didn't catch that I'm pretty sure that that that was something that that crazy [ __ ] said that kid I read I read his Manifesto I think he if he had had sex once he'd been like oh there none of this is [ __ ] worth it I watched the video I did I wasn't going to but yesterday I found myself watching it I just clicking through and looking at other stuff online and this one of the reasons why I watch it is because it's now become this really odd thing where these uh feminists and men's rights groups are like using it as a platform to do battle it's become like this battlefield is that that yes yes women can or mhm no yes all women and I think what their campaign is what they're trying to do with this hashtag is they're saying guys are saying not every guy is like him and what they're saying is yeah but yes all women are subject to those [ __ ] and that yes yes all women get [ __ ] with yes all women experience misogyny yes all women experience sexism my problem with all this from both sides is that it's not going to fix mentally deranged people and we're also not being completely objective with why he is the way he is there's obviously something really [ __ ] wrong with your brain if you can go out and shoot a bunch of people and then shoot yourself okay yeah we I think we can all agree on that all agree on that and there obviously he had some extreme issues with his personality if you watch the video you don't have to I mean I just did yesterday but if you watch that video you can see like he's a psychopath there's something really wrong with this guy something asers who knows I don't know what that
means you know I don't like all these wacky labels when it comes to mental illnesses cuz I'm not sure I trust them all you know like he's on the Spectrum oh is he really what are you is this like can you weigh that can you put that Spectrum on a scale can you make that guy uh jump in a tank of water and it reads how autistic he is like I don't I'm not sure I believe you you know what I'm saying it's like ADHD the kids got ADHD does he did didn't someone just say that they invented that and that it's not real I mean what does it mean he doesn't like school who the [ __ ] does it's boring as [ __ ] if you put me in school right now you would think I need drugs if they made me go back to high school right now they they would put me on [ __ ] riddlin they like this kid's got problems he's got the ADHD he's never going to succeed in this life he's never going to be a functional part of society unless he takes medication and becomes a [ __ ] square peg you can't be living your life as a round hole you [ __ ] yeah what do you think you're going to do just go sit on stage make people laugh there's no [ __ ] but I love I love that analogy of uh if you put them in a tank of water that's what they did with the witches well they do with body fat that's how they tell your body fat percentage that's how they tell told if someone was a witch well they drowned them they Dr really tell if they were a witch if she doesn't die she's a witch yeah well I'm sorry we were wrong I don't know if that's what they actually said but they probably figured out some way that she's still a witch I think I probably would have been registered on the Spectrum somewhere [ __ ] yeah you would every comic we know would yeah oh every comic I know would I talking to mosha Casher yesterday about that we were talking about how well actually it wasn't him I was talking to about that but um was another comic recently about how you we didn't talk about yesterday about like finding early on who the hell was it which comic was in here but finding someone early on and recognizing like hey it it was mosha we're like you're all [ __ ] up in a lot of ways like dude like get them right now all these impulsive crazy wild kids doing nutty [ __ ] get them right now and go hey you're probably a
comedian you know it was yesterday yeah it was MOA but finding someone who can't pay attention in class is always mocking everybody hey come here come here come here There's Hope for you there really is like you're like a the number one draft pick in this in this class as far as like the standup Comics draft if I was going to come in you know as a I'm an expert on Comedy okay I've been a stand up comedian a long [ __ ] time I could I could come in and I could sit down with all these high school kids and who's the biggest [ __ ] up come here man uh what do you get in trouble for and the kid would start talking to me if I can get this kid to relax and start saying well this fat [ __ ] over here won't leave me alone yeah you know like you know and and this [ __ ] thinks the [ __ ] doesn't stink and meanwhile I know that she blew my friend she denies it and you you could find some crazy dude who is probably wild Maniac like you you imagine what Joey Diaz like was like when he was 15 years old oh my God probably stabbing people in class throwing Bott I mean who the [ __ ] knows what he did who knows what that guy did yeah but if you could be there at that time and go Hey listen you're probably a comedian like you could be a great com like all this other stuff it's not going to work out man that lawyer thing that your mom's pushing for [ __ ] ain't going to happen it's not going to happen you'll go crazy you'll jump off a [ __ ] building man you're not you're a goddamn comedian that's the one there was no options in life when I was in college it was like you want to you want to go sell carpet in East Georgia ma Heiser can hook you up with that or you want like maybe I was never going to go sell medical supplies I wasn't enough God I tried I tried doing the Construction route so hard I couldn't work it so hard it would drive me crazy I was doing it while I was still competing and man I did uh I worked with my buddy Jimmy he we we did this uh Nights of Columbus Hall and it was all like a wheelchair ramp so for like two weeks it was just carrying pressure treated lumber and and bags of concrete it was [ __ ] brutal and up at the end of the day I had no energy to do anything I couldn't train I couldn't I didn't want to [ __ ] I just wanted to sleep and then I get up in the morning
the alarm would go off and i' be like you got to be [ __ ] kidding me I can't believe I have to get up yeah I'm so tired and you do it all over again it was every day it was carrying like who knows how many hundreds of pounds of [ __ ] and I just thought of it I'm like this is some people's life man forever and they just look forward to Saturday and Sunday and then Monday comes along they bite down on their mouthpiece and they [ __ ] just go out there swinging and pick up those bags of cement and carry them up that [ __ ] ramp I'll never forget that week those two weeks that I work for this construction company I mean it was a tough two weeks it was the summer it was hot out it was a tough go job and ordinarily you know they Carpenters ordinarily they don't have to deal with as many things like that like they they build houses but occasionally there's a weird project like a giant wheelchair ramp at a Nights of Columbus Hall it's a long ass [ __ ] ramp required a lot of cement and a lot of pressure treated lumber the pressure treated lumber the splinters get in your hand and I just all I can think of is not feeling sorry for myself at all but think oh like you could get stuck here like this is there's a whole lot of paths and options in life and I was I was on a really bad one and I was like oo you get stuck here I mean it ain't it's a good honest living it's not as bad as a path of crime it's not as bad as a path of exploitation it's not you know it's not morally bad but it was like woo this is going to be difficult and not very rewarding this is going to feel terrible and it that's not going to pay you very much money either if you want to be a grunt if you want to be a laborer like it's tough T work it's a real tough way to make a living and I uh remember knowing because of that that I had to find a way out and then almost within you know a year or so I was doing standup but it was a part of the whole Evolution that that having that job was a part of my whole Evolution because I was like there's no way this can't happen this I'll go crazy this will be a hellish life because when someone is just telling you what to do all day and it's physically breing and not rewarding we designed to want to play our our mind wants toer we want to figure things out we want to build things we want to we
want to create we want to explore we want to see new things that's what the human mind wants he doesn't want to carry bags of dirt up a [ __ ] ramp all day bags of rocks and dirt and [ __ ] Lumber all day your body doesn't want that your mind doesn't want want that either you mind wants to do other [ __ ] you mind wants to go find some P but do you think do you think there are guys that really genuinely love love that job I don't know I would hope so who knows how what people like with I don't understand the Grateful Dead there's people out there that love them oh I love the grateful Dad there you go I'm [ __ ] love the I'm not saying you shouldn't love the grateful Dad I bet there's a lot of [ __ ] I like that you don't like do you like Dwight Yokum I love Dwight Yokum I love Dwight y too huh Johnny Cash love Johnny Cash my dog's name Johnny Cash yeah okay I'm GNA tell you uh I'll name something I think you don't like okay go ahead do you like The Smiths no do you like the violent fem no are you [ __ ] me no I don't hate them I'm just not drawn to them yeah but I like weird [ __ ] like I like Tonetta do you know who Tonetta is no he's this like uh transvesti guy in uh in Toronto and he does these crazy YouTube videos and they get like [ __ ] millions of hits I actually bought his vinyl cuz he sold a vinyl so I'm like if I ever get a record player I want to have this guy's [ __ ] because this guy's doing it completely on his own he's up in Toronto he's apparently got a kid and his son like does not like it his son is like full grown he's probably in his 50s this guy really and he does all of his own music he makes all of his own like really crude videos like super low budget like some of them are just like a towel that's hanging in front there's him in that IM image dancing around oh my God yeah oh I can see as a son not enjoying that yeah well that's just one of his more Extreme videos almost all of his no there's other stuff you don't have to there's other stuff if you go to his uh YouTube videos his YouTube videos are kind of interesting they're like uh were those his real low Tech no I think he like doctored him up I just got into puffy nipples you just got into puffy nipples
yeah how'd that happen you take a pill and no no I don't have them myself pump your head no I was I got uh I was doing like some I was doing something somewhere and I walked by and the girl that was working the front desk didn't have like a she didn't have like a bra but her blouse definitely you could see like she had they didn't look like nipples they look like Mounds on her tits and I just got caught off guard and I was like what is that like I've never seen them I've never been up close with them in my life it's amazing how much like whether you're Pro or con how much that can change things like some guys like are really into big nipples and then some guys like almost no nipple so someone could look at the same breast and one guy be like yes yeah and another guy be like like I can imagine I think it's I think it's formed when you're like 14 cuz when you when you're yeah what you see first I think sometimes sets your formation I've never seen puffy nipples and let me tell you something I might have been creeped out if I ever saw them growing up but man I got onto a there's a now you're per you're a drunk perv in your in your latter years go to puffy nipples there's a a Tumblr where it's like I'm glad you found me I'm a fan too here's all the pictures I've AC crewed don't go there I don't want to see that Jesus Christ so people are so strange what's the weirdest thing you've seen on a girl a girl's body that you've never seen on another girl that you like what the [ __ ] is this nothing nothing like like uh you never seen a girl with hair on her back no like hair on her [ __ ] yeah but that was standard back in the 80s man yeah that was I don't see it at all only my wife make sure you don't see it with her right crack that whip hey Brian hi let's get back to what we were talking about to begin with which was this this battle that's going on with the the men's rights and the and the feminists it's pretty fascinating because I read this blog today where this all right here's the thing about all this stuff it's it's it's certainly important to be nice to women it's certainly important to be nice to men it's certainly important that we all get along and be cool with each other but there's things that happen when something goes down and these really
extreme versions of these ideas emerge and on the men's side the men's rights these some of these [ __ ] creepers these PE some of these people are so gross that one of the things that they're saying is that if women [ __ ] this guy that he wouldn't have gone on this Rampage and it's because all you stuck up [ __ ] wouldn't [ __ ] this guy like this is what you created are you serious oh yeah no [ __ ] no [ __ ] there's people out there in this world that genuinely suck and they genuinely hate women and for whatever reason whether it's the programming they got from their mother whether it's the genetics that they got from their their parents and their grandparents I don't understand how personalities are totally created I don't think anybody truly does I think it's all guesswork I think there are occasionally though horrible examples of people who have gone through life and just been [ __ ] on and [ __ ] over and they've turned into monsters and so you'll run into him at age whatever 30 whatever the [ __ ] old that guy is that wrote that thing and you essentially have a woman hating Monster yeah That's the difference between feminism and the men's rights guys because if feminism if they don't like men I'm no one's going to rape me you know if women are upset with men you know if you run into a similarly unhinged woman and she's bummed out about dudes it's very rare that she's going to resort to violence right but a man who's like this guy it's like see you [ __ ] stuck up [ __ ] just [ __ ] that doesn't really that doesn't work the other way it doesn't you you're not going to hear that from women so the real problem with all this stuff it's not like that these men's right guys are all evil or feminists or all [ __ ] it's that we're doing there's two sides doing battle with each other for no [ __ ] reason it's like what side are you on I'm the male side I'm on the woman's side how about is on the good human side cuz if you're on the good Human Side all of it gets abandoned all of it the whole the whole battle gets abandoned it's like they forget that that this is all about the people who died for nothing but what I'm saying is that like instead of like instead of like trying to like attack each other and go back and forth that [ __ ] is never
going to fix anything instead of that instead of even engaging in that be like more proactive and support the good human being ethics support the the good human being idea just [ __ ] be cool to each other just be and everyone who can't be cool to each other keep them the [ __ ] away from me keep them the [ __ ] away from all of us our our issues aren't like men versus women our issues are douchy [ __ ] up men versus Cy women that's our problem that's our real problem in this life and the douchy [ __ ] up men victimize more women then the women victimize men if a woman victimizes a man here's the big one you always hear the big one you always hear is this [ __ ] [ __ ] she schemed him she married him she got pregnant she took all his [ __ ] money it was a plan the whole time so what so what did she [ __ ] him yeah then she did what he wanted yeah she wanted money he wanted to [ __ ] they got together she pretended to like him more than she did because she liked money and the way to get him to give her the money is to pretend she likes him it's not [ __ ] rocket science you're angry at that so you're angry at dumb guy with money got roped in well guess what as smart as he was to figure out how to make all that money figure out how to get good with human communication so you know when someone's just a hooker yeah figure out how to figure out how to spot some chick who's just trying to rob you because you're ugly and old but you're Rich As [ __ ] you thought she loved you are you crazy are you [ __ ] crazy do you have a mirror in your house go stand in front of you go smell your own breath you [ __ ] creep you think she wanted to [ __ ] you because you're hot come on you had money she's got looks it was an exchange she got tired of it she left you didn't set it up right yeah you did a bad job you got [ __ ] over you lost all your money start from scratch stupid you're not a little kid born in Ethiopia with no feet all right I'm not I don't feel for those guys yeah there's a big difference between a guy who was willing to just get in his car and start shooting people because chicks won't [ __ ] them and some girl who's trying to con some rich dude into marrying her and and getting her pregnant so she could get a lot of money and [ __ ] him over in a divorce who cares
about that guy that's the worst thing that can happen child child care and child support are the two ones that are really creepy because some relationships they get so [ __ ] up and again it's not a man versus woman thing it's an evil person thing like men will be accused of doing crazy [ __ ] to their kids that they've never done anything but the wife hates the man so much like maybe the guy [ __ ] around on her with his some woman at work or something like that and got her pregnant some craziness and they're getting divorced women will say some evil [ __ ] just like men will say some evil [ __ ] men will make up things about their wife having Affairs they'll lie about spending money they'll lie they'll plant drugs on each other and then call the cops on each other people do that [ __ ] like that's one of the things cops look for in divorce cases like when someone calls in and says you know this guy my husband he's he's using drugs I know he's using drugs cops will go oh really oh yeah he's using drugs you guys getting divorced or something you know really [ __ ] yeah they have to they have to you have to when if you're a detective and you come and you're talking to someone they're like I found a bag of cocaine in my husband's underwear drawer did you really yeah okay are you guys getting divorced yeah because if you're getting divorced hm I might want to put you on a machine that that finds out if you're telling the truth or not would you be cool with that the [ __ ] out of here people are crazy men and women everyone's crazy now what's the women's side the women's side is that they have to deal with people like that all the time and that men don't and that we should respect it but my my point of view is is that I mean what I've already said but also that I think there's a lot of people that jump jump up when these things happen and they look to make a big Grand statement and I don't know if they're making a big Grand statement because they really think they're going to change things or because they want like moral brownie points do you know those things where people do where you're like ooh I think you're kind of being gross here I don't know why I'm I just feel gross about this you know what I mean sometimes people do they'll they'll talk about [ __ ] and you're
like I know that you believe this but I also know you are loving all this like positive Progressive gry brownie points you're getting with this article there's like a bit of ego behind it that's quite distasteful wait what was the article you read was this one about Seth ran one no no no no did you hear what that did you hear about that one yeah but this is no this is all about the murder all about the mass murder in Santa Barbara he had one about the mass murder they blame Seth Rogan on the Mur murder in Santa Barbara oh my God some girl I didn't read her article per se but it was a feminist writing an article about Seth Rogan saying this is what you get when you get when you make these male oriented movies God like neighbors where the women are just kind of like goodie bags at the end of the movie and the women don't have a voice and I think I'm I'm by the way I I'm paraphrase never [ __ ] listen to what I say I started this off by saying I had General warts no no no you were worried that you had General warts I was worried so I so that's incredible J Appel slam a movie critic a movie critic Washington Post and hor oh Jesus Christ yeah well you know it's funny but there's a lot of women that you know you go to the movies like here's when I when I really thought about it for the first time the first time I ever really thought about how weird it is and how biased movies are and if I really do have White Privilege it's definitely in the movies and this is why I went to see Planet of the Apes in a black neighborhood in Philadelphia with my friend Tommy Jor and his girlfriend and uh we were what year is this this is recently the new the new plan of the Apes this is such a better story if it's 1976 no no no no no this is the real I don't what year was the real plan Apes I think it was earlier in 76 I think the [ __ ] was really early um it was black and white wasn't it was Planet Le black and white oh no no no no no I the albino monkey excuse me anyway um so we were watching these previews for these movies and every movie was about white people every movie was about white people over and over and over because you're in that room you're now seeing it you're like oh [ __ ] totally and then when there's finally 1968 was the original plan of the Apes and when there's finally a um a
scene where there's a black guy in it the black guy was like a maniac I forget what the the thing was but the black guy was like complete over the top you know like this [ __ ] crazy like you know like I don't remember who the I think it was Tracy Morgan I think it was a movie with Tracy Morgan and it was totally completely buffoonish and over the top and I was like Wow and I never thought about it before but I was sitting there in that movie theater surrounded by nothing but black people and I was thinking this is what is this like this is terrible this this is annoying yeah and then I realized what it you know I'd never even considered it before as a privileged white male I just would go to the movies and like oh here's another [ __ ] Tom Cruz movie ywn oh are you really in space Tom are you really going to save the world Tom yawn oh here's Bradley Cooper he's taking a pill that makes him super smart yawn oh here's Scarlett Johansson they just injected her with something that makes her super smart yawn I saw the trailer with that Scarlet Jo hands the [ __ ] out of here it's all white people but if you're you know it's normal but if you go to the black theater and you're watching it with surrounded by black people and you're like oh my God we're gross yeah we're gross and we [ __ ] we don't we don't make any movies for black people it's like have you listen have you ever listened to Opie and Anthony with your kids in the car yes for like a half a second for can you realize it doesn't offend like I would never get offended by Opie and Anthony and I don't even realize what they're talking about like when I listen I just go oh this is great this is so entertaining and then your kids are in the car and you're like Daddy what's up blumkin you're like oh [ __ ] it never gets that far I I turned I turned on the C the other day and Anthony was screaming because she's a [ __ ] because she's a [ __ ] I forget what it was it might have been a best of I don't know what it was but it was just it was so ridiculous I heard the one it I'm sorry it was he's a [ __ ] he's a [ __ ] it was he's a [ __ ] [ __ ] who is who is it about godamn it and I I I heard that episode before so I went to hit the button immediately immediately shut it off I'll listen to their old their old
episodes when you like when everyone's in like Colin Patrice I listen to I'll listen to any of the ones Patrice was on I was listening to a Patrice one they had on the other day was uh Anthony dressed up as a Nazi I saw that too and anony Anthony s n dropping in bombs left and right it was great and he uh was they were trying to see who' get picked up quicker a guy who looked like a Nazi or was a rapper no or just a black person versus Nazi is what it is on yoube yeah but did he um did Patrice dress up like did he go super ghetto I think he was just already black oh here's the video look at Anthony's got a goddamn helmet on and they're picking him up before they're picking up Patrice and he's doing the hell Hitler thing you know like the arm up yeah that's how he's got a a Nazi helmet on gentl but then you you see that I I'm a stop over [Laughter] [ __ ] stop right I stop and I see maybe you chose the Nazi brother you chose Nazi over [Laughter] [ __ ] come on brother you don't pick up a [ __ ] Nazi oh okay now I know now I remember who it was they were talking about Ellis about uh Jason Ellis Jason Ellis Jason Ellis and them in a feud yeah oh really yeah that's what it is okay that's whenever that one aired that's when that's when I hit that button [ __ ] Christ my kids were just like like you could tell they had just seen there's someone open up a door there's monsters inside kachunk in the door just shut what was that Daddy nothing there's nothing in there there's nothing I uh I did the my audio book of my book and I wrote an article a chapter about Patrice and I had to decide in there do I do patrice's Voice or do I just do a regular voice so in the so in when you buy the audio book my book you hear me going damn B it's not even a good it's not even a good and I was like do I do that with all black people like when I when Will Smith talks do I make him like no I did it I did it it's done well Patrice is just so big with it he's so is so you know his voice is so big and you kind of almost have to do it cuz yeah cuz I you heard I was telling it on Opie and Anthony but the whole thing was that I dated AG go with Cal poles he
didn't know she had s py cuz I was drinking so much and Patrice thought that was [ __ ] hilarious and he kept saying you you an alcoholic you can't even say if someone's disabled B she disabled that is the worst version but it's like if you're going to do a Joey Diaz impression you have to do it right if you're going to say something that Joey said you you kind of have to say it everybody does like everybody does if they say something as Joey you don't just say like if Ari has a joke you know like I might say it like as me I might tell you oh Ari's got this great new joke you know blah blah blah blah blah except if you're describing Ari mad then you'll do the Mumble Mumble Mumble you can't do that you can't do that what was your Will Smith voice though um same exactly as voice same exact this is Kobe Bryant voice I wrote the n-word in the book twice and I was as white people saying it I didn't realize it because I didn't [ __ ] really pay much attention to the editing of it I just wrote them and then if if the publisher liked them I was in and I was like I read it and I was like oh [ __ ] I got to say the m word and I was I was thinking for history I'll go down as saying the word and despite whether or not I've ever said it no one's got me on record saying it so I called my buddy Omar dorsy who's on uh he's on Eastbound and Down I was like hey can you come and read a passage of my book and he's like oh I'd be honored thanks oh my God so you R him to read the passage with the N word I here it is he goes oh no you didn't he goes how am I supposed to do this am I supposed to do this like a white person I go probably would sound good that way so he did it he's like you know I love you if I'm getting you out of this one oh that is so ridiculous yeah he's the best you should own up to it in the book itself in the audio book itself you would say well there's a questionable word In this passage so I brought in a good friend I do I do do yeah of course yeah [ __ ] 16 hours to read my own audio book I was like oh my God [ __ ] I cannot read out loud to save my life 16 hours how many hours is the actual audio book three w oh that's crazy I am the worst out loud reader and for like the first two chapters they get mad if you [ __ ] it up yeah the guy asked me like on the first
CH first chapter he's like hey man do you need glasses I was like no I just I'm not that good of it and I was like I'll do it drunk everyone wants to hear me do a drunk you can't [ __ ] read drunk so then I had to scrap that day that day is all useless we had to go back and redo it oh and then and then I was also like like I'd read a passage and then I'd go on and be like like and then I'd expound on what I just read and kind of it was like an it was like a podcast and that was [ __ ] horrible because that took like forever and so then finally the guy's like just [ __ ] read it so I just read it towards the end but it gets better I would I would think it would be better if you just read it and if you [ __ ] up just comment on the fact that you [ __ ] that word up and just keep going on like that way people would they would get they'd get the book the whole book but they'd also get the experience of you reading the book like you separating yourself from the book while you read it oh I mean oh they I I I don't know what it's going to sound like but because I I did acknowledge it I did when I did [ __ ] up because I'm a comic so I would work the piece as I was like if I was on stage okay so did they keep that in or did they edit that stuff they kept I I think they kept some of it in but they couldn't have kept all of it in that's so weird though that they decide what gets left in and what comes out this whole dude this whole book writing process has been vulnerable as [ __ ] because you you really let go of it because it's a entirely different industry yeah I didn't I passed I I had a book deal I was writing the book and they were they were giving me these wacky [ __ ] notes just advice on like how I should talk about things what I should describe and how I was like we're not this is not happening you don't you're not involved in the creative process yeah you know I gave their money back I was like this is crazy like they wanted me to essentially write my ACT down on on paper and sell it as a book and they're like well George Carlin did it and and Jerry Seinfeld did it I was like I that's nice I don't give a I'm not doing that like that's I I I write different than I do standup it's two different things like you can write when
you're writing like just writing there's a way that you can express yourself that's unavailable if you're talking right you know it's it's why you the dragon dictate didn't work for me because you'd talk it into this Dragon dictate and it would put it right into the computer yeah like print it but it didn't work for me cuz it sounded spoken like it sounded like and and and a couple like and and one of the hard things for me was I I did that same thing where they wanted all the stor I had told on stage or on podcast I was like I can't I can't do that I can't just fill it up with that yeah they want the stuff that they think they're going to sell it's not a an artistic thing it's like guess what dummy the same person that told those funny stories I can tell you other funny stories like we're not running out of funny stories here it's really fascinating and and like there's stories I had to put in the book I had to put the machine in I canot write that in there and there's a lot of there's like the Will Smith story I had to put it in but then I wanted to do the cereal poy one I wanted to do one where I met met Ralph Samson and when I was a kid I was I Ralph Samson um he was a basketball player and I was I went to school at I went to I was like in eighth grade I decided I really want to be a basketball player and so I went to um Villanova basketball camp and Ralph Samson came to speak and like the first night I got a concussion and the two best basketball players got pulled out for drinking so the next day I had to sit out with the two best basketball players and everyone thought we drank together so now all of a sudden I'm 15 14 and everyone thinks I'm cool because I'm partying with the 18-y olds so Ralph Samson comes I thought this defined me Ralph Samson comes up to give a speech he's like I'm here to talk to you about two things there's 5,000 kids on the gym floor he's like we're going to talk about basketball and we're talk about discipline first let's talk about discipline who in here parties and I was under the impression we were all going to put our hands up but I was the only [ __ ] person I just went and he was like oh one person 5,000 kids no one raised her [ __ ] hand he's like how do you party I was [ __ ] 13 I didn't know how to I didn't I never parted to my
life all I said was Hardy and he [ __ ] lost it and 5,000 kids are slapping the gym floor like oh [ __ ] we're going to make an example out of you party animal he's lost the room so he brings me up front to the in front of all the kids and he makes me stand up and he puts a basketball behind my legs like this and then one on my arms like this and he's like we party hardy well we're going to party hardy today so I'm standing like this for his whole [ __ ] hour speech with a basketball here and there and he's like and he keeps coming back to me and by the way I'm so in my head that I'm I'm have social anxiety disorder but I'm in front of everyone and I'm like being made fun I'm being mocked that I wasn't listening to his question so when he's like you think you'll ever party again I just said yeah and the [ __ ] place went bananas they're like oh and he's like how do you party hardy I was like and I didn't know the answer I just was like with two hands [ __ ] people are losing you think you do marijuana and now I'm killing I'm like I'll get to it in college and these kids I left that gym and everyone wanted to talk to me everyone's like party animal what are you doing and that you're still holding the basketball between your legs the whole the whole [ __ ] time I'm while you're cracking jokes while I'm cracking jokes how long did you hold the basketball an hour that's a long time my cousin Abe I almost brought him here today I should have I didn't even think about it my cousin Abe was there at the camp because he's from Philly I didn't know anyone my cousin ab's like I didn't I didn't know you partied I go I don't I don't I just thought we'd all put our [ __ ] hands up and he's like yeah why would you put your hands up if you don't party I was like I wanted to be cool so yeah so like so now and then everyone would come up and they'd be like party animal you partying Hardy tonight I'd be like yeah but then I became cool at that camp and then I have friends and so I wrote that story is a little longer and I gave it to them I go this is the best story this defines me and they're like uh not really that's hilarious so it's all partying stories but it's like that's a hilarious story oh thanks that's so nutty that this could have possibly sent you on a path when you were that young yeah you know
13 years old I just I and it's all just wanting to be accepted I don't did you ever have one of those moments where you'd go somewhere and you didn't know anybody sure but you felt like everyone [ __ ] grew up together yeah that's a weird feeling and I felt like that a lot as a kid yeah but I thought that that defined me because then I became the I became the party animal like kind of lived up to whatever by the way I went to high school the very next year didn't know anyone so I'm sure that kind of I was like well it worked in Villanova so yeah there's definitely different person it that develops when kids have to move too right if they move from one spot to another spot they move more than once they they develop this like this this weird newcomer personality you know like in in every romantic kids movie The Rebel that moved into town the new kid that you don't know of and you think he smokes cigarettes [ __ ] Twilight Style movie or even like Karate Kid didn't he like move into some new town dude Karate Kid I [ __ ] the day Karate Kid came out was my first day of tenis camp and so so I go I got to [ __ ] can't believe I didn't write about this this Fu I didn't mean know anyone I didn't know anyone so then the these all the last very end of Camp I started meeting the cool kids and they're like hey man what are you doing today I was like nothing and they're like you want to go see Karate Kid and I didn't know anything about it and I was like oh yeah yeah that'd be cool so like cool meet us at Mission Bell that's where this place was my mom's late picking me up we're late doing everything she drops me off to the movie late and I go in and the movie's already started I can't find any of the kids but I already bought the ticket and I already have popcorn in his drink and I'm like [ __ ] so I just go down and I sit down now I've never seen a movie by myself at that time and I just sit down and I keep looking for him but I can't [ __ ] find him but then the movie starts and it's a great [ __ ] movie and it's a movie about a loner kid like myself that doesn't know anyone and he's trying to break into the new group just like I was doing a tennis camp and I really get involved in it I get so involved in the movie that when he does the [ __ ] crane kick and kicks the guy I start balling [ __ ] crying
thinking I'm Daniel I'm D in my head I'm like I feel like Daniel Son the house lights come up and the [ __ ] kids that were had wanted me to meet were sitting directly like two rows in front of me and they heard you weeping they heard me crying and I'm sobbing you weeping like loud sobbing like a [ __ ] 10-year-old cry like if you were 10 how'd that work out uh they turned around and they saw me crying and they were about to make fun of me and they're like oh you got us you got we thought you were crying you [ __ ] with us you were sitting behind the whole time and I was like yeah yeah that's it that's it and I [ __ ] walked out that movie I still this day so you you had a fake that you weren't crying I had a fake that I wasn't crying and then we all hung out and they're like you can just do that make yourself cry I was like yeah wow you never cried in a movie yeah I've definitely cried in movies like what y old y not even like boys in the hood no I didn't cry in that i i c I can't watch movies with with when things happen to little kids oh like uh Ransom any I didn't watch that movie I couldn't it's not going to happen yeah I can't I don't want to how about The Time Traveler's Wife what's that that's a movie that I cried really bad at what is it it's about this dude who T can time travel but the movies but yeah it's Eric Bana but his get the [ __ ] out of here with that movie you don't like time movies how high were they when they pitched that it was a woman she wrote it I told Duncan about it and he goes did you read the book I said no and he goes in the movie does he come back and teach himself to jack off I go it's not in the movie he goes they didn't follow the book in the book he came back and taught himself at a jerk off so he was kind of gay for himself he was a gay pedo to himself yeah but he's only turned on the kids that look like him exactly but only when he was 14 hey everybody go to Burber b.com and order my book yeah go if you see in a bookstore buy it please and tweet me a picture of you shirtless reading in a Barnes & Noble tag Tom sigar Tom sigura and Brandon Walsh your book when you wrote it like how much uh how much input did they have as far as like what you could and
couldn't put in um probably 100% 100% like like uh like there was things they wanted in there there were things I wanted in there and there were things they wanted in there so did you like have to meet in the middle yeah I met in the middle like like it it is like uh it was probably I think 14 12 chapters it's probably maybe four chapters people heard the story like the machine right and but uh but the rest of the one I got to but then there were ones they wanted to from like the article I told about the time I [ __ ] on a pizza box to win an election um I talk about uh I talk about uh me and my buddy Eddie took over this town one time I took over it but we told them we were writing a book like right out of college we told him we were writing a book for MTV about partying and then these these girls do a [ __ ] insane party for us and they were all like [ __ ] I mean it was it was like just out of a movie and then we all drank together and then I'm trying to [ __ ] this chick at like 3:00 in the morning and she's like she stops me she's like buddy I'm just doing enough to get in the book and I'd forgotten about the book lie so I'm like what book she's like you're writing a book I was like I'm not writing a [ __ ] book she was like that's the only reason we're here and I was like oh yeah the book so then I I wrote at the end of that chapter honey I don't know where you are or what your name is but you made it in the [ __ ] book finally after all these years that's funny yeah so it was fun but it was it was I I probably won't do it again seems like a [ __ ] ton of work so [ __ ] lot of work for very little money but you've lived a [ __ ] up life so it's probably important to document it have you ever got alcohol poisoning have you ever taken it to the next level no I haven't I've never gotten alcohol poisoning bet your liver you know don't I'm talking about my liver you know they have those uh fog Gua they made it illegal in California duck liver inflamed duck livers they're delicious then what they do is they take a duck and they put a feeder Down's throat and they force feed it and people hate it you know it's like becomes like this horrible cruelty issue but meanwhile you can kill them and eat them still you
just can't do that to their liver it's it's very strange and you you're not even supposed to sell it organic you can't have organic fog which would mean you wouldn't overfeed them you just give them a lot of food just have food around them all the time they'll be smaller livers but still delicious they don't even allow that which is crazy really it's like but it's still like you you eat the rest of the animal though like ducks people eat ducks all the time Goose they eat they eat all that [ __ ] they eat Gees you can still eat it in Vegas though right cuz I think I saw in Vegas the other day I like [ __ ] yeah yeah you can get it in Vegas it's uh you can get it in France too I think we had it in France I'm not for animal cruelty don't get me wrong but what's weird about the fog wad thing is there's ways of doing it ethically there's ways of doing where the the the they actually want to get overfed like they actually go around the feeder like the birds are looking for it they want to get fed like really yeah it's it's not necessary to hold their [ __ ] neck like that and shove it down them but if you just give them a shitload of food you're going to get a pretty good result it might not be as good as stuffing it down their throat but the the idea is like Banning it is ridiculous like Banning the eating of a duck's liver is ridiculous oh don't answer it we're on podcast F just say hi to oh never mind go ahead answer it no no he hung up sorry he won't leave a message either no he will not leave a message and then he'll be upset when you don't call him back but you don't know what it's about well that's what he wants he just wants to see Miss call on his phone and then he calls you back anything else yeah I texted him one time I tried to text him and he just nothing and you're like why text I don't [ __ ] look at that [ __ ] come on dog I'm not looking at that [ __ ] come on BR Cher yeah he said he's got rules yeah if you want to communicate with the dawn got to follow the rules I [ __ ] love Joey follow joaz rules yeah yeah like I said he's a perfect example of a guy who like had to be a comic you know there's a there's a lot of us man he's the kind of guy that i' like to see a book written hey what happen with that Tracy Morgan thing cuz Tracy Morgan says that that story's [ __ ] you know that
story that you did and J Moore wind up doing for a while and stopped doing he says it's [ __ ] is it just lying he just doesn't want people he's he I knew it when I first told it that he was going to say when I the first time that story ever got out I was like here's reason I didn't want to tell it number one Tracy Morgan uh will never remember that story he's never going to remember that night with me and he's definitely not going to [ __ ] I never thought he'd ever be like oh yeah that's all true but Tony Woods was there so I mean and Tony Woods say this Tony Woods remembers it just like Tony remembers it a little differently than I do but we what we remember is now that's how you get out of paying the check right that's and and Tony and I've always said this and i' and I said this on your podcast the first time I told it was and it's one of those things like I I I wanted to put this story in the book because I wanted to clear up whatever rumor there was for good and that is when I when I got smok smoked that with with Tracy Morgan he asked I remember saying what's in your weed and then he he said you smoked sh or whatever I went right over to Tony Woods and Tony Woods was like he's just [ __ ] with you so like I've always said that I thought he was [ __ ] with me that I didn't think he I smoked PCP that I he he was just [ __ ] with me the whole night so and like or not I don't [ __ ] know but right but I've never I've never said I've never said like me and him we're smoking PCP what had happened was PE the story he heard the story everyone had heard was Jay Moore's version of it and he added things to it well it didn't happen to him so he didn't care he didn't have an attachment to the truth right he you know so like in his thing I think it's they were pretty much definitely smoking PCP all night long and they were punching out car windows and having lightning bolt fights it was a much better story his way but my way was very attached to the truth of of I didn't know I had no [ __ ] idea what do you think about that about taking a story and then adding a bunch of [ __ ] to it like it's It's Tricky right because it it does make it funnier [ __ ] yeah but it's not really it's like this what where does it become art you know it's it's like a weird collage of reality and
paintings you know like dude a fake background like a real life but a fake background well it kind of looks cool but like what is this this a picture like are you telling me a story that really happened or are you just is this a like a fictional piece that you've created yeah you know it's like one of those I was watching that [ __ ] W movie did you ever see the W movie terrible movie awful movie were just so clunky and cartoonish it's like an ABC after school special on the former president but while it's going on I was like I'm watching people pretend that these were the words that came out of all these people's mouth in this order like you don't know you weren't there I can't these people are alive still like I can't watch this this is so ridiculous I can't watch it I I'm I'm not a i I've always been very it's the problem with my storytelling is like the machine story is 100% true I can't really Veer that much off the truth that's good though that that's makes you a good Storyteller but it makes it difficult like I that's and the reason I don't really I don't tell this Tracy Morgan story on stage is because when I tell it it's not very entertaining I mean it's as entertaining as it is but it's not like a great story there's like big [ __ ] lulls where you're just hearing me give you facts about how what went next what happened next right so when I wrote In the book I tried to be fair to Tracy cuz I didn't want I don't want people saying he smokes PCP like I don't want him to have to defend that I would I would not like that either so I had to write it very [ __ ] accurate to exactly what happen so that when if he does read it he goes oh yeah there were there had to be more than one night like that yeah there had to be he's kind of open about that which is why I was surprised he's well he said he said I listen to him in NPR this is way before that story ever got out how a weird world Tracy Morgan's on NPR there was an NPR interview All Things Considered and he said he said he'd never done drugs in his entire life oh well that makes sense and I was like he said yeah and so I was like okay then I saw on Reddit he was like I've always smoked my own weed I've never smoked PCP and then I'm like in my head I was like well I just I don't those two statements are mutually
exclusive but that's why I was like that's why I was like that's why I never wanted to tell the [ __ ] story cuz I was like he says he's never done drugs I've I've done him with i've smoked weed with him yeah you know what man I think it's just like you got to just let Tracy Morgan be Tracy Morgan should probably talk about that just that story's done he said it it's done I wanted I would like say nothing but good things about him from here on out dude I say in the book he is a [ __ ] a well-calculated smart guy who knows what the [ __ ] he's doing funny as [ __ ] man he's [ __ ] hilarious that dude makes me laugh all the time bums me out that he hears my name and it and it [ __ ] make and he's just like oh man that [ __ ] guy maybe he doesn't you know maybe you'll see one day or maybe you meet him and he start smacking you around yeah maybe and red band has to save you yeah do you think he would do you think Brian would jump in front of a bullet for you he would see my Jordans and be like damn all right yeah I think Brian would save my life what do you think about when people he would see your Jordans and have respect for you and stop fighting dude I got some pretty sweet Jordans I don't think it works that way good luck trying though yeah what do I think about what do you think about when the like like cuz I read a lot of Like Comics books comedians books one of the things I was disconnected with was when guys would just it's it seemed like they just would reinvent their history and just be like and that's lie about it or or maybe just not like not own up to things yeah hm uh I don't know you know I've only read a little bit of a few Comics books I've never read a whole Comics writing from start to finish I've read books on Comics like uh the Kennison book his brother wrote and um I read a little bit of U of Steve Martin's book but I get bored I get bored reading about you know I get it yeah you know I mean I think that if I want to hear a comic uh if I wanted to read a comic's writing most of the time I'd want to read you know what what's their thought process like what do they what do they think about things like what what what's happened in their life you know what what um you know what do they think about the world that we
live in like what are their what are their thoughts that couldn't be condensed to a standup act you know what I mean yeah like you'd rather hear someone's process write a book about their process or the way they think or the way they see things as opposed to just like just 14 my mom moved in with my stepdad who was a real piece of [ __ ] you know like oh man I've heard those too many stories like that before you know you know that's not mine [ __ ] I had that that white guy in the black movie theater life where you go godd damn white privilege holy [ __ ] what do you mean like what you were talking about with when you were in the black movie theater like I don't think I've I don't think I've had any of the struggle that anyone has in their life yeah and I think that can cause anxiety to some people so you start thinking when's that going to happen when's the struggle happen when's the bad thing happen like death or or cancer or loss of a child or kidnapping like or or a [ __ ] school shooting and your kid does it yeah but you think about that [ __ ] all the time you're always thinking about like bad things happening all the time yeah you just put that in the book how you're always thinking about bad things happening all the time you don't you don't think like that you can no you no I can I mean but I don't let it happen yeah I don't yeah I just I stop those thoughts really yeah they don't help you I know it's I'm not stupid I know that people could shoot people I know that meteors can land I know the earthquake could hit at any moment but right now is okay feel that nothing this's a problem that most of your time is going to be fine and everybody sits around waiting for the one moment when the [ __ ] tsunami hits instead of enjoying all the moments up until that point so what you're going to be bobbing around the middle of the ocean gasping through air going I was right I was right you were wrong and I was right we're all [ __ ] dead you don't win then you're dead too stupid but the problem is the now right now that's what people are so terrified of and terrible at managing people are terrible at managing the constant state the state of right now so you're always looking for the future and you always worried about the past and you're always looking
towards some moment where it's going to all go bad and the [ __ ] sky is going to turn black and lightning bolts are going to go sideways through the [ __ ] town everybody's worried about that but not enjoying that not enjoying not things happening you're fine you're fine I'm fine one day I'm going to have cancer you don't have cancer now okay and if you do you're still alive you know if you have hepsi well at least you can say I have Hep see when you're dead you can't even say that it's just people are real bad at now yeah they're [ __ ] so you're always worried about this and that and that and this you don't have to be okay if it happens it happens but right now it's not happening concentrate on right now that's what people suck at people suck at living in the present it's very very uncomfortable for a lot of people I think if you don't live in the moment you have a hard time writing oh yeah like I and I've been I've been you're in your own head oh yeah like I [ __ ] you just go seriously I just spent [ __ ] 3 hours in bed worrying can I feel my liver touching my my rib cage like and then not living in like the it's inflamed does it Happ does that happen I think it's inflam does it really Happ your Li is probably enormous no it's on my [ __ ] left side the Pain's on your [ __ ] right side it's on your right side cuz your liver's on your right side yes yeah are you you didn't even bother Googling and now you're upset when you get with a left hook think about where you get hit with a left hook I've been I've had pain here like in my left heart no it's below but it's like right dick Factory that's where your dick is BR dude I was not my liver oh [ __ ] that makes me feel so much better well it's probably your kidneys you [ __ ] I think it might be I might have kidney stones you're breaking all those goddamn things I'm GNA I need to [ __ ] I would like to do one cycle of growth just to get my body back like just to get um it doesn't work like that doesn't it Christ I just want to take one pill the brings me back to 20 no no just just like heal everything oh no no doesn't it help with healing it helps with healing but you're not going to heal [ __ ] that's broken like you can't just do a p cycle of steroids and everything who knows what you might have
wrong with you if you're saying heal everything like what do you got do you need surgery I don't know my back is all [ __ ] up you probably have [ __ ] bulging discs and [ __ ] yeah you know you know take care of yourself son can fix that with growth I was just like yeah I thought maybe if I got on growth I'd get inspired to take care you work out how often you yeah I work out a lot I just started doing a lot of core and like the yoga where you like double up when you do the hold the pose and then you pump it uhhuh um but I just got these arm bars in my back because I was like I'm gonna [ __ ] fix my core hanging out with st hope I think I have a hernas too I'm [ __ ] uh let's just do just open the bottle of [ __ ] whiskey this is a [ __ ] I'm what's the matter what nothing trying to get whiskey now I've had three days of honest sincerity that I thought I could feel my liver now know it's on the other side you have any idea what a [ __ ] do you ever go to the doctor yeah once a year I go next week and what are you [ __ ] gearing up for that what's the thought process behind that do you ever worry that you might be giving yourself something by thinking about it all the time I think about that too I think about that too oh no I uh I do I definitely prep for the doctor like I don't go in raw like I [ __ ] have a week of but but I just started not drinking on planes that was my biggest thing just started just started so every time you take a plane flight you would get hammered trash every time wow and that I was like that's not that I can genuinely feel that does anybody ever reach out to you like a Dr Drew type dude Dr Drew I talked to Dr Drew about it what did he say he's like it's bad like you're you're an alcoholic no no no doesn't say I'm an alcoholic because here's the other thing is that I can totally not drink but I couldn't the thing is I couldn't not drink on planes I really genuinely could not not drink on planes like I got to a place that if I was on a plane or if I was getting on a plane I had to drink and I would be physically ill having to put alcohol in my mouth at like for a 6 in the morning flight on a Sunday and you're just like I'm [ __ ] like gagging going this is disgusting but I need to calm down because I'm
freaking the [ __ ] out it's weird that that's the one public place where it's totally acceptable to get [ __ ] up yeah I mean the plane is the one public place where they the people that work there who are also involved in making sure you're safe serve you booze I mean how weird is that like it's totally I mean would you like a mimosa they offer you in you want double they always double for half the price that's the right the first thing you ever hear in an airport can I get a jack on the Rocks would you like a double for half the price sure done double for half the price like second one's half half wow yeah they're trying to get you [ __ ] up they know they can sell sell booze people who are scared why isn't there the junker on the plane though you never see like the pukers or oh there are oh there are if you fly as much as I do you see a aggressively drunk people and the problem arguments on planes which is real uncomfortable the problem is as a guy who drank on planes I was never I was always well below the radar like I never caused drama if I never pushed it when it came to drinks if I felt like I had ordered too many I would stop and and I was well aware of it and then but you see it and then when we went to Hawaii like recently like few weeks ago lean I came off the road I fly in from like I don't know where I was but I fly in and I'm coming in hot like you can tell like I'm I've been drinking on the playing a lot and I've been flying like every other day and lean's like pulled the plug she goes no booze on this trip I went what she goes no booze on this trip you're going to hang out with the family you're going to connect with the family and I was like there's a problem in the crer household I said I said no I said okay I can do that in Hawaii but on the plane she goes no booze on the plane see if you can do it see if you can do it wow and so I was like can I take his Xanax and she's like yeah took is that Jesus [ __ ] Christ na so much take a nap I don't have that brain Brian oh my God Brian I don't ever if I have something to do I would never sleep through an alarm I I literally stay awake thinking I got to wake up in the morning like I'll I'll sleep half half like uh like I got an early I don't want to miss my alarm Jesus Christ dude I why did she say you could take a
Xanax if you're trying to stay sober dude me on a plane I'm Xanax puts it gets you [ __ ] up right no it's very mild and I talked to Dr Drew about it cuz I was concerned uhhuh so I was like I don't want to take be taking xenx he goes one what you're taking what I take is what I take to fly now so I'll take it to fly that's only time I take it is half a milligram he goes half a milligram your body processes that like less than a shot of tequila your he's like it's that healthy for you he said the problem is healthy for you meaning like liver wise I'm talking about liver stuff so it's mean it's not healthy for you it's just not bad for you it's not bad for you okay um like people [ __ ] taking every morning with their fruit I have a fruit salad in Xanax oddly enough it does take your blood pressure it makes me calmer and it allows my food to process more efficiently imagine they found out that Xanax like does [ __ ] like that allows your body to process things better I find I learn better when an I'm on Xanax dude have you ever had uh have you ever had the ADHD medicine the is Aderall Aderall no no we talk about it all the time though I I know a dude's got a problem with I know a couple dudes who have a problem with it three in fact yeah one that's got a real no problem with it though yeah it's amazing yeah never tried it scared really not interested oh it's it's you can focus I think I'd like it my yeah I don't want to do anything that speeds me up man I'm trying to stay calm I yeah it's Z's you want Z I don't want that either I'm fine I smug a little weed weed is better for you weed is better for your liver than Xanax I'm just I I'm not interested in those pill High man maybe it's a good one I don't know but those pill Highs are they're creepy to me I don't I don't want to enjoy it I don't want to like it and then be looking to support some pill High company and but you know it's really hypocritical on my for on my part because what is Xanax it's just technology somebody figured out how to isolate some compounds that do something very particular to the human body like why would I be against that I love science I love the idea of the in constant Innovation and that's what that is someone figured out a way to alter human neurochemistry I just don't trust me
that's why like I things like Aderall I'm like mm not for me I'm too crazy what if I like it what if I like it I start I have really good self-control but if I started taking Aderall and getting a lot of [ __ ] done I could see me justifying taking Aderall a lot and getting [ __ ] done well time to get [ __ ] done and just [ __ ] just [ __ ] ramp up with some Aderall and start rebuilding a wing on my [ __ ] house that's what you do yeah I'm not interested in that it's like spinach yeah I'm trying to stay calm I thought I thought Aderall would be great to write a book I bet it would I've heard of people snorting Aderall friend who's an author allegedly he's just snort Aderall and uh his wife got mad at him because she's snorting Aderall he's like I'm just trying to [ __ ] write the book she's like you're [ __ ] snorting it he's said well that's the most effective I don't care just take it yeah take it and wait an hour do you have to [ __ ] snort it it's like this big Duke out he's like what what do you care about the delivery method she's like I'm not having this argument with you don't snort drugs in my house I told you my dad was uh doing doing that speed for a long time your dad was doing speed I told you a long time ago it was probably three years ago but yeah he he was the doctors prescribed it for yes and he was taking the pill and it was and he didn't realize it was speed and he was just like I'm getting so much [ __ ] done yeah and and you like was it it is the other Fen oh so Fen Fen was one was a diet pill was Fen Fen trimpa trimpa what is that stuff that's stuff that an ni Smith used to sell didn't that what stuff they they pulled a lot of that [ __ ] off the market right like rip fuel you can't buy that anymore right B of can you believe Anna Nicole's son died at in the waiting room overdosed in the waiting room at her deathbed did he really yeah like she was overdosed and dying and then he overdosed and died or wait maybe wait no no no no I'm sorry he died she had a baby and he died in the waiting room for for the baby oh God God man that [ __ ] yeah it's not a good role model that an Nicole she's not really going to teach you the ins and outs of Life Char character development no [ __ ] oh so
crazy I have a a a family member that's got the problem with the oxies oh we have lots of family members with those guy was totally normal got injured at work back problems just like bad lower back doctor hooks him up with the pills boom he's Off to the Races now he's a [ __ ] complete total loser and can't keep a job he was all I knew that kid from an early age was always worked always been responsible you know kind a little nutty but always on the ball got things done all he needed was that getting hooked on those oxies that was his checkout dville pain pills are so [ __ ] good I can't I can imagine I can totally imagine I just never done them even like after your surgeries with your back nope I well I did one with one surgery my first ACL surgery where they it was a very particularly painful way of doing it because uh they did what's called a Patell tendon uh ligament a PCL um they they take the um the PTL um and they take a slice of it like say if your Patel attendant is about that wide they might take like a third of it and that strip cuz you Patel attendant is really big you don't need it that to be that big it's sort of overdesigned so they take a piece of it then they open you up and then they screw it in and they create a new ligament with your own body and then your body accepts it immediately because it's yours but you have a screw in the bones of your your upper and lower leg and you have this ligament that's a part of your patal the whole thing is [ __ ] inflamed and swollen it's pretty painful and they gave me one of those either we couldn't figure out which one it was vikins or Percocets but uh I took one and I I felt so [ __ ] dumb I just was like just dumb just dull my mind was sh I was like I'd way rather deal with the pain and the pain was excruciating it was I would get up the real pain was when I would lie there um on the bed like watching TV and then when I would get up when I'd put my foot on the ground all the blood would rush to my knee and it was like laser beams and razor blades and sand and hot lava and just Just sh the whole knee was on fire so that was like for a few days but that was better than the Vicodin dude we take Vicodin for sunburns Florida if you got a really bad
sunburn give you a viking take us Viking and sleep [ __ ] Florida man I would rather have the pain really you you shut pain off why cuz you can deal with it like a people Fester on pain I mean there's some excruciating pain don't get me wrong I mean it's not all Pain's not the same but the pain of like surgeries like like when I have my nose fixed I had deviated septum that's well before I knew you and I saw didn't you do a video of you draining it yeah what Tom Z girl was in it also really yeah we did a video because um I wanted people to know that it was no big deal CU I was terrified at doing it I I waited a long time to do it my nose was broken when I was like five I fell down a flight of stairs when I was five and like my whole life growing up my nose was [ __ ] from everything from Sports from martial arts it was [ __ ] it was just there was nothing in there but just it was just uh blocked up by Scar Tissue and so when they opened it up they actually made it a little wider like you can actually I can tell the difference in pictures it look looks wider because he opened it up and cut the turbinates there these like these things inside these lumps he cut it and he put these plastic splints in there and stretched it all out and then these other uh these sponges get stuffed into the the holes like beside the plastic splints and so the sponges stay in your nose for I think it was like a week I don't remember how many days the sponges come out and then two weeks later they pull the plastic strips out and you just got this oh is this is this you cleaning it this is me like right after the surgery I had to clean it with a a water pick I would use a water pick and oh my god look how skinny ther is yeah looks like a baby don't give time poor little tummy he gained a couple of pounds so uh you uh you use this water pick and you pump it up your nose and it cleans it out yeah three weeks after my operation I have to uh do this twice a day where I take a water pick with a special nostril attachment that's like a netti pot right but on steroids I was blowing mad not son the photos you sent us picture messaging back in yeah I put on uh I put them on Twitter some of them some of them were so big the boogers were so big it looks like I faked it it looks like I I brought in some CGI boogers I showed
one to Tom at the airport and he started heaving he started he like immediately was hurling yeah that was um but they gave me all kinds of [ __ ] they gave me prescriptions for he gave me prescriptions for two different pain pills and I remember after the operation walking around my house going I'm fine like I don't need anything yeah and uh my wife was like do you want to take the prescription stuff and I was like I'm not taking [ __ ] like I'm fine like what is everybody [ __ ] complaining about it was nothing it was literally nothing it was like oh no it feels slightly uncomfortable in my nose but people tweak they start freaking I mean they cut the turbinates they stuffed it they cut out all the scar tissue the whole deal and I was like nothing yeah you know it's just like a little little achy like so what it wasn't anything serious but a lot of people are like any little slight uncomfort feeling any slight discomfort like give me pills I need my pills it's just like a door that just opens up and gives you a free ride just a free ride to start doing pills you know a free ride just come on you got a free ride you're injured you need medication Mr ker I need medication the next thing you know you're lying in bed with your feet propped up and you're in [ __ ] Xanax land listen to the dead why do you like the dead explain that I like the dead when I when I when I fly lately I've been listening to the dead just uh nice you don't have to worry about it's it reminds me of college it reminds me of like a time when I literally lived in a microcosm of just having a great time when you could Tap Out Get Off the Grid like I was like like it's the reason I I get off the grid like how yeah what do you mean like you can't like uh can't really tap out as easy as I could back then CU you didn't have all I had was one phone and it was in my house oh so like you could you could literally get a bag of weed and some Frisbees and just be gone from the world yeah and you and you were in the moment I was really in the moment back then because you were like talking to your people no one was going into their pocket looking at their hands I was talking to uh this lady today when I was dropping my daughter off at school
and she goes wouldn't you love to be their age again she was an older lady and I said I don't know I said I think uh I think the world's way more complicated now for them than it was for us and uh she goes oh you got that right and so I leave I say goodbye to the little one I get in the car and I start driving off and um as I'm driving that's all I could think about all I could think about is how crazy it would be to be a baby today to be a baby today and you know you're going to have to grow up while by the time you're in high school there's going to be mind–to mind communication you know you're going to know everyone's going to know everything about everybody you're going to have some of the weirdest technology that's just it's just on computers and and drawing boards right now but it's going to all exist it's going to be insane yeah within 18 years you know how crazy the world's going to be 18 years and these kids are growing up and experiencing it I would want to be 10 years less not all the way to the I don't I don't want I here's what I be honest with you I think Twitter and like and like email I think it's I think it's the cause of depression with a lot of people I look at Facebook and how much people share on there like I was I'm not going to say anyone's name I was following this girl who was talking about the breakup of her marriage and the fact that her husband was kind of having a hard time with it and that he was maybe like acting inappropriate or he came by and he asked to get some of his stuff and she was sharing all this on Facebook with all these people and all these people know her and her husband but I mean but if you look I mean all people do is talk about tragedy on Facebook and like it's like they're sharing it's this it's this want to be famous it's this want that everyone has to put make their lives public and it's so but it's not everybody man it's it's not everybody it's only dummies there's a lot of people that aren't doing that when I see people like fighting on Twitter like relationship fights on Twitter I stop talking to both of them I'm not talking to either one of you dummies what are you doing you're you're you're talking [ __ ] about each other on Twitter what are you trying to
hurt each other's fee Wings why you [ __ ] 12 you're a man in your 30s and you're [ __ ] tweeting negative [ __ ] about your ex letting the world know how she would come home at 3:00 in the morning shut the [ __ ] up you're so [ __ ] right about that shut up you weak [ __ ] you're the problem yeah you look at people getting in fights on Twitter and you're like really it's disgusting dude trolls trolls blow I would never I've never engaged I've never responded I never replied I don't [ __ ] around like that I just if you say something negative to me I don't block you I just I put it in my me my memory bank you know what's [ __ ] up man um one of the things that people were talking about when they were talking about this kid in Santa Barber that W on this [ __ ] killing spree was him being rejected and this guy on uh this message board that I go to was talking about how he knew this kid in high school that was like that and he knew him all growing up and he was just not a good-look guy and he started out pretty normal but people were mean to him and all this rejection and like all throughout his life it just constant state of rejection rejection and [ __ ] people PL pranking him he just was an ugly dude and then he was talking about how by the time it got to high school the kids started getting dark and one of the girls in their high school and tractor girl died in a car accident and he was laughing and he was mocking her and they were like holy [ __ ] and that's when they realize like wow this guy's become a monster like he's he's mocking that this girl died it was pretty fascinating because here's the deal with a guy like this guy who's a Santa Barbara killer like he's a handsome kid like if you look at him he's not an ugly kid by any stretch of the imagination was he small whatever he was I mean he's maybe look Tony hinchcliff is small no but Tony's noton got a great personality and he's hilarious you know what I mean and people love him it's like you could be a tiny little person and girls will still like you this this guy there was something obviously like really really wrong with him mentally but it got me thinking about like a person's looks like that's a [ __ ] man like if you're born [ __ ] up like if you have a def something deformed or if you just
have a weird skull your [ __ ] face looks weird like your whole life people are going to like the normal reaction that people have to is like this nor it's like it takes them a while to come up with the warmth but the the immediate react nothing can be done about that like it's a that is a a genetic [ __ ] you know you talk about like a lottery if you're a woman and you're 6' three you know and you weigh 300 lb your [ __ ] head's enormous [ __ ] you know what there's women out there that are like you know they're just like you know everywhere they go there by no fault of their own they just got this wacky genetic [ __ ] roll of the dice cleft pallets cleft pallets I mean I I theide babies there's a there's a there's a organization called Operation Smile that I think that I've donated to in the past but I would do anything for because I you exactly what you're saying is what they fix for like a hundred bucks it's you fix a cleft pallet on a child a child no why would anyone no one deserves to go through life looking and I mean I was just saying but looking like a like a monster like and and if you have a cliff pet it's pretty aggressive so like that and I look at that Operation Smile dude that's a [ __ ] great place to send money if you're going to send [ __ ] money go that's you can [ __ ] change a person's life forever by letting by gifting them this surgery I think we're just starting to realize as a race the human races over the last x amount of hundred or Thousand Years we're just starting to realize that we have to kind of take care of each other better it's just it's like it's all there there's we're constantly dealing with competition as well though and when the competition comes up that's when people get this [ __ ] them attitude like this guy who was angry at this at all these women you know this uh this one that my friend uh online had talked about when you think about that guy like that's almost like a guy who's in competition who kept losing over and over and over again and hated the competition like in a lot of ways it's very similar you know like they hated the other side he hated those like human beings have got to figure out a way to St stop that like once we figure out a way to work together and stop
competing about [ __ ] like that but the problem is there's always going to be people that have just massive unfair advantages and that's one of the things that this kid was talking about like with when he described men as brutes said girls just wanted to have sex with uh big musclebound brutes you know like in his mind is like he could never be a brute he just was always shut out of that if a girl wanted that he's like damn it like it didn't make any sense didn't make any sense you add that to the fact that he was a [ __ ] psycho and then boom whereas most people that are you know unfortunately built or unfortunate looking or have unfortunate genetics or whatever it is they just they just deal they just have to deal and so the difference between a guy like Ryan rolds who walks through this world like on a [ __ ] Magic Carpet of gold you know he's beautiful man just everywhere you see him you want to smile babies will smile at him and then you know fill in the blank figure out your guy me you know no you're a good looking but regular looking human being I mean that's why I I I believe it Formed my personality whatever soft shoe I know how to do to get people to like me was because I didn't have the I didn't have the [ __ ] the jawline that maybe like like one of my buddies had that like I I have a buddy I wrote about him a book is my buddy Jeff Harley he's like one of the [ __ ] best looking guys confident big [ __ ] hands big like just everything about him's just bigger and and and he knows and I guess at age you realize world's cruising easy for you and you learn how to just be like you learn how to [ __ ] fill the shoes and just and he's I never had that so I had to learn how to talk to chicks like like not spit game but be like you know be funny and I think it form my personality yeah without a doubt most funny dudes are funny because they had to make chicks laugh yeah you know it's why good-looking guys are not usually very funny hard's funny but he's funny to a bunch of dudes in a dude way sometimes yeah a lot of times they not even that you know it's like hot chicks there's not a lot of hot chicks that are really good at standup yeah they don't have to be I mean how many hot chicks are really good is there like 20 of them
Schumer yeah Schumer there's a few other ones you know there's a few other ones there's a I I always find when a chick's funny I want to [ __ ] her wow easy bird well that I'm not saying say about aiming no I mean I always I used to tell Amy that I know I know I could have sex with her if I wanted to and Amy would always be like you're [ __ ] out of your mind yeah that seems like a rude thing to say no I told her we were doing this show reality Bice back I was like I could totally have sex with you and she was like no you couldn't and I was like no I know who I can and you're in my soft spot like I know where and she was like no you really can't and I go Amy trust me I could get you now what did she find this amusing she found amusing Amy's I've known Amy for a very long time okay so you waited a couple and she knew my wife by the way so like yeah Amy used to stay at our house when we go to on vacation Amy would use our house and come out to LA and do like meetings and stuff that's cool yeah oh how she's good friends with my sisters no [ __ ] yeah and so like when I when I was on the road if I was over on the road and we we were together she'd be like called like I was in Portland one time she called she's like we're [ __ ] partying tonight I've been on a tour we're partying and my wife's totally like 4 in the morning I'm in a hotel room with Schumer and a bunch of people we don't know and my wife's like and I I tell my wife and she's like oh cool tell Amy I said High tell her to keep her head on her shoulders his [ __ ] big Whirlwind cuz you know Amy kind of blew up all at once real quickly you know and so and my wife knew her before that so your point is I have no [ __ ] idea Joe sometimes I talk to you and I find myself just like I can't stop speaking well you're kind of a I am there Mr bir chire that's what you do yeah you know yeah nothing wrong with it no yeah yeah it's just your style of communicating yeah I talk a lot and quickly well then also like when you talk a lot and quickly like anybody that's entertaining like that like every now and then you're going to run into like a sentence that doesn't have an end you're like and uh so yeah Amy Amy's my friend you know like people end it that way like uh so yeah Florida it's a it's hot down there
I wish I had those smoke bombs like just drop in front of me and just and then just walk away yeah people who tell bad stories do that way too much you know like if it's just occasionally but in The Art of Storytelling when you have to go yeah well uh so uh that's uh that's Detroit for you you unless it's really funny like that's that's really something you should sh away from if you want people to pay attention to your [ __ ] stories you know point and with like and I think the lesson here is yeah some people are brutal man some people would just give you [ __ ] ear beatings and never realize it we ever uh there was a dude the other day in a green room uh I step in and uh we're talking me and this other guy were talking for like two minutes and uh going back and forth and someone brings up some subject that this dude had some personal experience about and then it becomes his show and so for the next five minutes he's telling this [ __ ] long drawn out story and I can't take it anymore Brian was there I can't take it anymore so I had to leave the room I just got up and left I'm like the middle of the story no Joe I just see Joe slowly like moving over to the left I'm I'm not going to do this you're not going to beat me down with this and there was no point to it zero none and I knew it I knew it from halfway into it there was all these details and it was just like oh was a [ __ ] crime was a crime against humanity I just got out of there I was like I'm not going to be rude but I'm not going to listen you can't make me listen to this by the way it's my green room all right I'm the one who's performing here he wasn't even performing there just stepped in and just [ __ ] beat me down was he com whatever whatever but what's crazy is that he thought like someone in that moment thinks that's their moment to shine you know what it's not even that dude this is a problem with comedians some comedians they don't really have conversations with you they just talk and sometimes they don't they don't absorb like what the other person's saying you know like if you you might tell your story about how you didn't know that your girl had cble paly because you were so drunk all you might
tell that story and they're just waiting to tell a better story about a better drunk girl or a better better situation where they [ __ ] up they're just waiting you know they're like almost he dber you dber you D they're not like you what like they don't have any questions for you like wait a minute wait a minute you didn't know she was drunk there's none of that there's none of that it's like let me talk let me talk and those guys are goddamn exhausting they're waiting for the moment where they hear the Bell like ding your turn that was this guy right yeah it was it just needed to be edited like his whole story was like it was just like I just wanted to go you need to edit it you need to throw in a little bit more interesting Peaks into it not just totally took over our conversation and there was like seven people in the room there was so many people in the room where like all of us had to just like we had no other choice We were supposed to stare at this person talking it wasn't a good story it was brutal yeah yeah just that's why you have to limit your your engagements you have to limit the the type of people that you communicate with Mr Crusher every now and then you're going to find someone who's a [ __ ] white belt in ear beatings and they just they stumble through it they pull hamstrings they just kind of can't you can't yeah you're you're the kind of person that would just goes yeah like like you're you don't allow people to take liberties with you if someone's like Hey Joe uh can I take a picture with you but I want to like uh I want to grab your face you'd be like no it's not going to [ __ ] happen I definitely am like all right grab my face why do you let them grab your face [ __ ] don't not everyone come out to Philly this weekend and be like let me grab your [ __ ] face it's going to happen no one say that it's going to happen for sure dudes are writing that down now they're opening up the notes app on their phone I get I always get hey can you take your shirt off can I get a picture with your shirt off are you getting a beer Brian what is that what are you doing he's grabbing my [ __ ] are you taking a picture in the middle of the podcast you [ __ ] Jesus Christ um 20 minutes late and stops in the middle of the podcast to take pictures gota love gotta [ __ ] love
them [ __ ] um yeah I'm I'm I I don't know where to draw lines well you do you just you're just a nice guy and you let people grab your face I had a dude ask if he could pick me up once did you let him no no you're not picking me up man why'd you do that Brian to drive no I don't I took a car service I've never driven a one year podcasts in my life good move good move [ __ ] learn very young yeah do you have a can opener on that thing this badass [ __ ] knife do you open up with a knife that's how you open up bottles I'm obsessed with knives these days uh-oh that's not good why are you obsessed with knives I love them I just think they're cool as [ __ ] you love love knives are you 12 how old are you no but I feel like I'm a grown-up like when you started getting into bow hunting I was like man there's a lot of [ __ ] I can afford to do that I've never thought about doing that I would when I was a kid I was like I totally I was talking to Mike marfield about it and he was like I told him my thought I was like there's a lot of [ __ ] like I want a motorcycle give me one of those beers and he goes Mike mfield you want a motorcycle bad dude I [ __ ] love motorcycles you're a reckless [ __ ] bur C you know you'd want a motorcycle too a little bit oh I definitely would there's that whole like crashing and losing your legs part is not attractive to me going to what J Jamie wants to get one of those L moped ones like little vest buds like that's even worse man even worse than that lose Jamie if you want to be the next Jamie even worse than that are the bikes that have motors on them the bicycles that have motors on them but like uh I was like yeah there's a bunch of [ __ ] I've wanted to do and like I can afford to buy a cool knife every now and then so like when I'm on the road like in Brazil or somewhere I'll see a knife and I'll go you know what that'll remind me of my trip and so I buy kn so you're a knife collector little bit do you have them like locked up no I all over the house to protect me oh Jesus Christ if anyone ever breaks into my house I have a machete next to my man cave oh what the [ __ ] Bert you going to machete people I don't have a gun what if you machete the wrong guy it's like surprise you're already on your way down with this if you're in my man cave and I'm
and I'm pulling out the machete oh my God it's too late it's too late it's too late do you have like like a protocol like when the machete will come out it's it's rubber what if it's just kid who's like got a crack problem and he's breaking in try to steal stereo you going to machete him yep he gets macheted wow man he got to machete him what if he's not big what if you could smack him around it was a little tiny guy a little Tony Hing Cliff looking guy trying to steal your stereo that [ __ ] the the kids hold him down and call the cops Tony hinch Tony hinch Cliff's kind of that he's that scrawny that scares me those Scrappy kids wrest good stamina yeah yeah probably if you like start heaving and hoving like you're in the middle of a a prolonged battle and you started fading he would turn turn up the heat on you yeah and all of a sudden he was going faster than I ever saw him go beat you over the head with one of those things you shake up and you see the snow in it those little paper weights that's why he's going to get me shed and we have those all over my [ __ ] house too no you don't we have snow globes everywhere are they from all these different places you visit buy snow globes for the girls that's so ridiculous snow globes and and Blades that's what you're buying all over the world [ __ ] FBI's got a file on you about that thick traveling over the world they said that they were going to releasee some uh Gren Glenn Greenwald said they were going to release some new [ __ ] this week and it's going to be a list of all the people that the NSA was spying on all the Americans they have a full list of everyone I want to be on that so [ __ ] bad imagine if you were on we're all on it dude we are so close we're so close to everything being tape recorded we are no no no no we're being tape recorded and I've been training on podcasts when when people like when people start recording each other private citizens start recording each other and not just the owner of the Clippers that's when it's going to go [ __ ] just so you can get that guy fired talking [ __ ] about your boss and that once that goes that's the [ __ ] then everyone's going to know like I talked to a kid after one of my shows in Irvine the other day and he was like and he was
asking me something and I was uncomfortable with what he was asking he's like hey man I'm not tape recording you and I was like the even fact that he thought about it made me go [ __ ] was he trying to blow you what the [ __ ] was he saying no he's like he was just wanted to talk about something and I didn't want to talk about it Oh weird and I was he's like he like d tell me what and I was like ah I'm good yeah he's like I'm not tape recording you but the fact that he said that I was like oh [ __ ] people are [ __ ] strange man they're so strange you'll you'll meet people after shows and they just start hitting you with like a barrage of questions and you're like what are you doing like you are you interviewing me is this like for your own like do did you save all these questions up and you're ready to throw them at me yeah people are tape recording everything at this point assume you're being tape recorded assume every phone call you make every voicemail message you leave every text message you leave assume all that [ __ ] is being recorded assume yeah you better live don't live your life like you're being tap recorded live your life like a good [ __ ] person did you imagine if it turns out that the government's spying on comedians I would [ __ ] love that I just read something the other day where they admit that they are recording people that have uh like a large group of people you know like their their voice is heard from a large group of people I'm trying to find the article right now like people that are very uh public figures figures did you see the thing that they uh there's I don't know it was on naturalnews.com so you never know that's that site seems a little a little on the sketch not quite sure but the article was saying that they had fake vaccinations in the Middle East that gave Fe people fake vaccinations so they could collect DNA seriously yeah [ __ ] genius it's [ __ ] creepy like you're you're getting away with something in another country that you could never never get away with an America like that in a way is kind of dehumanizing because let's imagine if they were doing that in the United States in the ghetto like let's imagine they went to Compton or watts and they were doing this and they were getting
these people that believe they were being vaccinated but really they were just withdrawing DNA could you imagine the outrage it would be insane oh it would be insane people would go crazy why well because we we're Americans and we believe that we have a certain amount of Rights and our government doesn't deserve to be extracting our DNA and lying to us like what are you are you a dictator or this is are you the overlord or are you a representative government because this doesn't seem like a representative government if you're [ __ ] giving poor people F but it's okay if it's in another country see if it's in another country somehow they can justify like well they're not even Americans they're humans they're human beings you're giving them fake vaccinations so you could if that is true and again I don't know if it is but if it is it's a it's a it's a practice that's as old as time people have found a way to demonize the others whether it's the people that they're at war with whether it's you know you look back at the horrific things the Nazis did to the Jews look at the horrific things that the Mongols did to all these different places where they conquered look at throughout human history every time a group has been able to identify another group as the enemy they've been able to justify horrific things that's what happened with this [ __ ] evil kid this evil kid in Santa Barbara and that's what's happening right now with these idiots these male rights idiots that are battling it out with feminists online going back and forth these people that are actually saying that this guy if girls [ __ ] this guy he wouldn't have gone on this Killing Spree [ __ ] crazy you can only say that if you're dealing with an Us and Them you can only say that if it's the enemy you know it's it's it's a weird thing that people do man this this enemy thing they'll do it with [ __ ] the Phillies they'll do it with teams in Philadelphia Joey Diaz was telling me a story about this guy that was uh there and uh it was a football game and he was I don't know what team this guy was wearing a jersey of but he got in a fight with these guys they stomped his leg they broke his leg in a stairwell they threw him down and stomped his leg the guy snapped his femur they they did
that to in Dodger Stadium to the to a guy that was a fan of the Raider or the yeah beat him up bad that scares me to not want to go to fighting to events oh for sure like someone was telling me they he in a coma for like weeks and weeks right and you just went to a [ __ ] game with your kid yeah you just rooting for the wrong team or you ran into the wrong group with drunk [ __ ] and see that's where the the women have a real good point because that's not happening to men if you're running into women you're not running into drunk women coming down an Alle Alleyway and they're breaking your leg and beating the [ __ ] out of you it's drunk men it's men and women have to worry about it even more than men have to worry about it you know it's I I I didn't know anything about the all all the women or what is it all in the all the women you're the one that yeah I just started reading about it today all the women yeah and um I never knew the point of view you know you what happens I with these things that they become so polarizing you think both the people are [ __ ] totally crazy and you lose the maybe subtle point that should be represented in that all the women so and what I I realized that you kind of pointed out that I I think is pretty brilliant I never really seen it like hey not all men rape but all women can get raped yeah like most of them at least Ronda Rousey is tough as [ __ ] to rape her that [ __ ] will kill you right when you think you raping you're just getting triangled son oh [ __ ] I thought I was raping I was this isn't going the way I plan yeah she she just tells you to lick a [ __ ] and right right when you go in for the kill she slaps that triangle on you halfway through you're like do you work out and the lights go out in Georgia you start seeing it close in oh no that's what it's like when you're getting choked out yeah I know it gets to like it's like an elevator door I've been choked out have you who choked you out uh [ __ ] henzo Gracie oh that's right you did show what was it is that what it's called kill Bert hert Bert yeah that what a ridiculous that no wonder why your back's all [ __ ] up man you let people throw you around I've been a stunt man I've been a practicing stunt man that's like being a stunt man
you feel that was it henzo that choked you or hor Horan Horan Horan oh the older the the the guy who founded it all yeah he founded the UFC Horan was the he's the father of Henner and hon yeah those I fought those guys too I fought all of them they would all beat the [ __ ] out of you yeah they just gave me a knife they like try to strab a Brazilian oh God which by the way they gave you a knife after going to Brazil holy [ __ ] man Brazilians are like the [ __ ] sturdiest stock of human in the world it's a hard life over there for a lot of folks and it's also very active very active they're always on the beach like we were watching at our hotel room these [ __ ] Surfers were incredible man me and Ari were there Ari came down to watch the fights down there with me once and we were uh standing there on my balcony watching these kids surf we were also it was like uh you know your time's all [ __ ] up it's like several hours yeah in the future like what is it like three or four hours it's ahead of I think it's ahead of New York yeah I don't remember it's like six hours whatever it was I was all whacked out so it was like 5:00 in the morning we're still up and the sun was coming up like 56 whatever it was and all a sudden these people started showing up at the beach like kids and adults and flipflops and everybody was hanging out and they're like wow like these people are active bikes start running by 6 a.m. joggers and [ __ ] I was like these are like really active people then all a sudden a soccer game broke out so it's like 7:00 in the morning we're drinking coffee and watching people play soccer on the beach like this is this is interesting like they're so much more active than the average Americans yeah you know people here get [ __ ] super sedentary man I am super common it's like more common than not right I think I my whole thing now is like I thought I have my weight set up in my backyard so I go if I'm [ __ ] if I if I get in like a little weird funk I go [ __ ] it lift weights cuz I know for a fact that like lifting weights to the point where your your tits are on fire that releases some serotonin in your body you should be a doctor and that should be a meme lifting weights until your tits were were on fire I know that releases some serotonin
in your body B Cher and you holding your tits in the picture yeah that'd be a great meme memes not meme um uh gifts you T animated gifts no the GIF is that GI files yeah yeah um that's a great way to [ __ ] cover Sports on the internet like you you posted something about the fight last week oh yeah you know what it was it wasn't that I posted something I'll tell you exactly what it was there was a thing on fight land where someone broke down uh hen and baral a guy named Jack slack it's how TJ Dillashaw killed the king and it's on fight land it's one of the um the vice channels and uh Vice this guy did a great job of breaking down like the technical aspects of uh hen and barra's style and how TJ Dillashaw was able to exploit it and in doing so he used these animated gifts as um as uh examples of different specific moments in the fight where things changed and what TJ did well and what hen and brow did wrong he's really good at breaking things down that's but that's also they're in cahoots with the UFC that's why they're allowed to use those animated gift files but it's a great way to cover it's great fantastic and I'm glad they can but other people in other sites like if you try to you know put up animated gift files they'll get pissed at you yeah they don't want animated gift files did you follow this Floyd Mayweather TI fight I saw some [ __ ] on online like somebody you know Floyd Mayweather saying you got to got to control your [ __ ] yeah got to control your [ __ ] um you know if you want to get in a fight with Floyd Mayweather and you're a rapper good good luck with all that like what's all this chair throwing let's all stop the nonsense and realize it you're not going to get into a [ __ ] fight with one of the greatest boxers that's ever walked the face the the world could we could we just agree on that yeah you're just bullshitting okay because if there's no one here but you and him and you're both in a room with no objects just your bodies let's start over they're both [ __ ] Millionaires and they're at waterburger like I don't get that get hungry people get hungry that's but you're so high-profile and you're Floyd Mayweather what do you he likes Burgers he eats Burgers all the time that's like part of his thing like he he would always be
like driving around his Bentley and he'd be eating like a Jack In The Box really yeah yeah yeah yeah TI I can take on Floyd Mayweather just sign did he really say that yeah he he posted a video wait a minute posted a video of him like working out or something like why does he no his his it's about his um he's supposed to have black eyes silly they said he had black eyes saying he didn't all that happened is he hurt his hand and he had his hand wrapped oh I think but I think the threat is that TI's posi is gonna shoot Floyd Mayweather oh not that they're gonna fist fight because he said he said I Floyd Mayweather said to him in this interaction was I think maybe you forgot what I did for a living right and I fight and ti. said I I fight but in the streets I fight for real and so I think that was A Veiled Threat of yeah I fight too but we do it and we kill you are we really analyzing the TI Floyd Mayweather discussion and who got the most out of their verbal exchange Floyd made a very good point that TI forgot what he does for a living but what Floyd forgot is TI keeps it real [ __ ] in the Trap he's from the streets he is and he's still connected to those streets I'm most impressed with tiny who's tiny his Flo uh tiny TI's wife she's not even really that hot but they're [ __ ] fighting over two [ __ ] millionaires why are you impressed there is idiots the whole thing's [ __ ] the whole thing's so stupid yeah but she's not that hot she does whatever that's not what it is it's it's a ego thing it's ridiculous yeah yeah the whole thing's ridiculous yeah how dare you talk about it for so long I'm disgusted I'm disgusted by the whole scenario I'm done thank you Joe who's the Cook Brothers what what is their C Brothers like we talked about them before but super rich dudes you don't want to talk about in a podcast or they will come [ __ ] you how about that next they uh they [ __ ] the Columbus Zoo up and how do they [ __ ] up the Columbus Zoo you know the best stepen coar did a really quick blurb about it and he explains it perfectly but pretty much what they did is they they had this big valot on uh the uh on the the latest vote that said hey we need to make money or the AR zoo is going to close down so we're going to raise uh property tax by
just a teeny teeny bit and the the the Koch brothers were like yeah you're you're going to go up like 105% in your your property taxes when in reality it was only going to be 20 bucks but all the voters voted against it and now the zoo is like we're [ __ ] we don't know what to do I mean like so they lied about how much the property tax would go up yeah and this is like the one of the number one number two zoos in in the nation and now they're [ __ ] this is where Jack Hannah's from zoos are weird man because I agree with them with certain animals but there's most animals in the zoo I think zoos I think the only way you should really be able to have a zoo and be able to pretend that it's Humane is do it the way they do it in Africa but don't have people hunting there you know in Africa the reason why they have so many goddamn animals now is because they have these huge preserves thousands and thousands of acres and they have these animals run free but they do it so they could profit off it they bring in Hunters and the hunters hunt these wild animals so they think they're on a wild animal hunt they kind of technically are on a wild animal hunt but really these it's a caged hunt yeah these animal I mean they are hunting Lions but those Lions aren't going anywhere you know it's like it's a very sketchy are when it comes to um people that believe in Fair Chase hunting like the Africa thing is a [ __ ] because the other problem is they do preserve those populations this way because other than that no one else is trying to keep the Eland alive no you know no one is working hard to make sure that all these different versions of antelope are in healthy populations if it wasn't for these Hunters but it gets it gets real weird when you start thinking about like zoos because well okay what's a zoo you only have like couple of them you have like a two giraffes or three giraffes you have like a couple and everybody's separated from everybody and you're all in this weird nonnatural environment where nobody can move around I'm not opposed to like a giant animal park where you could kind of drive through but I think you got to let nature take its course in that [ __ ] you got to have monkeys swinging through the trees above Jaguars you got to have you got to have giraffes that are running
away from Lions you got to have the whole thing cuz if you don't have the whole thing what are you doing yeah like you're taking taking these animals you're deciding that their reality their nature itself is not Humane like it's not right it's not right zo seem very dated now that you say that it seems like a throwback to the 30s it's from when people didn't have DVDs they didn't have the Animal Planet they didn't have any of these things where they can go and watch a show on a species and watch a fascinating documentary you you you only way to see it would be to go see it in live you go to the zoom daddy look at the elephant oh it's a li you would never a lion if you didn't see it in a zoo in the [ __ ] in the 30s absolutely I'm pretty I think though a lot of people are getting like SeaWorld [ __ ] mixed up with like zoos though because I and I think that's why everyone didn't know that SeaWorld kidnapped these they thought oh these were taken here because they were injured where the zoo like I I just went to San San Diego Zoo Zoo one of the best zoos in the nation San Diego and uh they have this whole thing we did the tour this time and they had this whole thing that you could tell it's almost them getting ready for the their version of Blackfish that's coming up because they were already talking like look we hate animals in cages AO but we are nonprofit We these animals right here there's only two left in the road we thought this animal was extinct you know 1960 was the last time we saw this this one kind of pig or whatever it was and he's like he's like now there's 20 of them because we take them here we breed them and then we put them back in the wild now I don't think they put him in Africa they probably put in some you know you know baby version of the Wild they do put it in Africa they put them in these wildlife sanctuaries these gigantic places where they let people hunt them they just don't let them hunt that pig that's what they do but but it was it was very eye openening for this this when I went to this one because they were showing us all the work they've done like like there was like only two of these Birds now there's 200 and every animal on there says like they're endangered what their their level of endangerment now there's like monkeys like some monkeys there's a
billion of these monkeys so they don't give a [ __ ] you know but most of those animals in there are only in there for for a reason because they're injured or whatever and then they're getting put back in the wild and that's why we're like these cook uh Coke brother things you know where they're completely lying they're they're all these animals are screwed these animals like this is one of the best zoos in the nation that they taken care of so many you know the white lion or uh I think it was came you know was endangered white lion that they had there it's like albino lion something yeah back in the day and but check this one clip out this is how [ __ ] up this thing is with the Columbus Zoo for prosperity that's hilarious that's so funny and it's so true yeah what so why do they want that property what do they want to do with it I you know I I don't know anything about that I just found out about this the other day I was because I was talking about how the zoo was s such a great thing growing up so they're going to lose it totally I I don't know they have till November but they're also [ __ ] till November and I don't know man growing up I went to summer camp at the zoo and Jack Hannah was our our camp leader and we would like spend the night at the zoo and it was just the best childhood memory ever learning about animals being at the zoo you know and it's it's it really sucks that zoos are getting kind of attached to this whole Blackfish seaw world [ __ ] because it's really one's making profit and one's trying to make profit off of stolen animals from the water and one's just trying to help animals wait are zoos are zoos more uh nonprofit organizations most of them are yeah well the the PE the ISS the people that have an issue with zoos have an issue with the conditions they have an issue like there was a zoo that I was driving limos once and I was coming home from a gig that I had uh I had to drop somebody off in New Hampshire and I was driving down and there was a zoo and just on a lark I just said let me see what this zoo looks like and I I went to this little tiny zoo and there was this there was a lion and a bear and the lion it was the saddest [ __ ] thing ever this lion was just pacing back and forth this tiny little enclosure and there was nowhere
to go it was just pacing back and forth it was all concrete this like little Pond for him and I was like this is the saddest [ __ ] I've ever seen this thing's just Pace it can't go anywhere it's and it can't it does doesn't get to kill anything doesn't get to be a lion doesn't get to be a lion just patient back and forth back and forth and um I just remember thinking like how is that better than it not being alive like that's not but what just so we could look at it so it's it's it's better than not be no that thing should be dead it's better off being dead than living like that that's crazy or let the [ __ ] go bring it back to Africa put it if you really give a [ __ ] about lions set up cameras set up C or go make people go there on Safari make people drive around see the actual real thing you know maybe you'll really get an appreciation for what it's like to live in Africa if you actually see them in Wild conditions you see like but San Diego is huge the thing about that animal park that's really dope is that they have big enclosures like the area where the giraffes are holy [ __ ] I mean it's [ __ ] huge is this the Safari place this was the zoo yeah but they also have the Safari thing and another cool thing is they also do a lot of alternative methods to make the animals not go crazy like they hide the food they they'll take the animals out they'll go around hide meat and like trees and bushes and put it inside of things and then that the animals just like their natural habitat look and hunt for food so there's a lot of things that they do like the elephants have these new things that they created uh called uh the the hay piñatas and it's these huge piñatas with hay inside of them so the elephant has to work out and try to beat these things open to okay so there's a zoo and then there's a wild animal park which is two different things that's what it is okay I've only been to the wild animal park The Zo the zoo is humongous if you think the wild animal park the zoo is crazy big they're both real big yeah all I can think is the bad the alternative ways to keep them unoccupied that you would come up with if you work there you're like hey guys I filled one of our trainer outfits with meat we're going to give it to the lion see if you can they
definitely should let animals go and let the animals kill them I mean it's so ridiculous that they they have to butcher the animal like come on what are you doing like let a lion be a lion that's the that's the saddest is that's like it's it's just like the same as what we were talking about with kids in school kids got a little bit of a [ __ ] Quirk and all of a sudden they're like no no no he's not fitting in the form well how about this what if they gave you a pill what if they gave you a pill that made uh the the [ __ ] and your balls dry up but it kept you horny you know that that wouldn't be acceptable it's like well look we've checked his balls there's very little coming there but he's like oh fing H all time but the balls don't know it well that's what it's like to be a line and get fed meat just sliding meat under the door yeah so every day you're eating be like I didn't kill [ __ ] today and so you get this thing where everything that moves past you you look at you roll a ball of yarn past a lion they jump on it just like a cat does it's like they have that instinct cats have an instinct to chase moving things so do lions it's part of why they're a lion it's like their whole reward system their whole genetic reward system is geared up to [ __ ] and to chase things Dominate and the whole deal all of it is supposed to be a part the male supposed to protect the the pack what are they Pride rather the female supposed to hunt they they have instincts to do these things and all those instincts are just completely shut off and then they're in this enclosure with nothing else but them and every now and then some food comes in like okay here's our food what kind of [ __ ] life is this yeah it's a life completely outside of the adventure of being a lion the the adventure of being a lion is the adventure of being a predator that's the whole thing about being a lion that their whole existence is based on chasing down the weak they're like the cleaning system and like they're like making sure that the genetics of the wild stay strong they're like the genetics Integrity experts anybody that's weak anybody that's limping anybody that's slipping anybody that gets cocky and goes near the water Hall without paying attention to the grass moving you're [ __ ] Ville and
that's how has it set up to make sure there's not too many [ __ ] antelopes they have a whole system but we come along and go [ __ ] your system we have a system too it's called the zoo and this is called a fence and this is a tray and on its meat here you go eat it we're going to stare at you you're going to stare at me like staring at a lion is unheard of imagine being a [ __ ] lion and there's glass and all these little pink monkeys have the audacity to look you in the [ __ ] eye and you're like [ __ ] I can't believe this all day everybody avoids your eye contact in the jungle all day you [ __ ] walk around like a [ __ ] Hall Monitor everyone sees you and like get the [ __ ] away and then you just stand there you believe what that must be like for those poor [ __ ] Lions oh for a lion if if a lion is walking through the grass and something locks eyes with it they're like [ __ ] that's the IM immediate reaction you see those eyes those [ __ ] weird orangy Amber eyes attach this giant [ __ ] skull of death he just runs immediately run get with the pack hope they get the slow one behind you [ __ ] trip your friend run it's a lion but meanwhile at the zoo were like look he's right there Mom look he's right there knock knock knock knock knock knock yeah what they should do is take those old zoos that are kind of like Haggard and they should fill it with like celebrities like celebrities like no I'm not saying Tom seor is a mess but give him booze and alcohol and put him in a cage and let you stare at him and him just say whatever the [ __ ] he wants cuz he's getting paid a million dollars for one year to be in a cage that's not enough money what it was the New York Zoo you worked for the movie uh the New York at the New York Zoo you did that movie no it was in Massachusetts massachus we actually did it in a zoo that is um is not in it's not operational right now it's kind of going under kind of rent it out fill it with celebrities fill it with [ __ ] all sweetie that that idea sucks well it's better than my other idea which was we just put cages in the wild and you can go in the wild and have those animals around you yeah um that's a better idea like I because when I go I went swimming with sharks with my daughters a couple
weeks few weeks ago in Hawaii how was that I love it I [ __ ] love it so what do you do you go actually in scuba gear you go under the Sharks what do you do get they you take they take you out like three miles it's all it's all like uh e e eco-friendly like they don't feed the sharks but the Sharks just come out because that's where they think they're fishermen dropping bait and so they go out and you get you get in the cage they pull the boat away and you're just sitting in a cage just the boat's like 30 yards away from you 40 yards away from you and the Sharks there's least 20 [ __ ] sharks 30 sharks I've done this one place like five times what part of Hawaii is this aahu aahu and [ __ ] amazing so what is it like for your kids uh they were scared at first but what happened was I just told the guys who ran the boat who I knew cuz done it for TV I told him I said you just be in charge don't let anyone say no just be in charge this is how we do it guys everyone get your masks on grab your mask everyone get your mask iy got your mask and so there's no point where they can get out of it by talking to me cuz I knew they wanted to do it but I knew they were going to be scared and I would let I would never let them do something they weren't didn't feel safe doing right but the guys did it and the girls were just in rote they were like okay he's like all right this foot right here this foot right here here we go and then we're going to back into the cage there you go I you're in first Georgia I'm already in the cage and I get them and they're like holding on and you can see they're scared and I got a GoPro going I filmed all of it and I was I bet you how old are they s and n wow that's fascinating man that's really cool and they [ __ ] loved it the first look you can see she's scared Ida puts her face in the water and then pops up and I just caught it on the GoPro and she's so excited she throws her face right back in the water to look again and they were uh they were bobbling they had so much [ __ ] fun well if you feel safe and you could really see sharks out in the wild it's got to be pretty wild to be a kid to see something like that and you're in the cage for the first time in their lives they're the one in the cage and the cages are pretty safe right I mean to be
a giant ass [ __ ] great white to [ __ ] that cage up or is that just in the movies no you know what's so crazy we get out of the cage and uh and a whale uh two whales come by oh [ __ ] big ass [ __ ] whales like maybe 20 feet off the boat I got this on video too 20t off the boat swim around the back and dive right by the cage and I threw my GoPro in one of the guys grabbed it she got the whales going down and it was surreal but what's crazy as you think if those whales decided they could just [ __ ] jump up and land on the boat the cage and we're all dead as [ __ ] does that ever happen yeah it happened with the sailboat in Australia a whale just jumped up and landed on a sailboat no way yeah what are you showing Brian this is a birs trip oh Trip Flip we do it that's the cage yeah same thing we do it on Trip Flip we've done it twice and I love it so much because it's one of those moments where you really have this like kind of Surreal Life experience it's like to church and getting it wow I want to go do this it's a lot of [ __ ] fun yeah scuba diving seems like it'd be crazy too just going do you've done that right yeah I've gone scuba diving for Trip Flip yeah but I'm not certified I've done it I do like do a day certification it's like entering into just the the very front patio of another world you know it's like you just just open the front door you stand you look around you kind of go in a couple of steps but it's a whole other world out there there's a lot of things that I've done on that show that that are our mind like riding motorcycles I would have never done that if it wasn't for that show but now dude it is the coolest thing in the world you're not worried about crashing of course I am but that's what makes it maybe you could get like a a big Harley type bike drive slow don't get crazy and only drive in populated areas that's what they say where there's a lot of traffic that's what they say some Mike young leaving The Comedy Store last night in one of those uh like those crazy 4×4 motorcyc the fake motorcycle had an ATV like like like like DMX yeah yeah like what's that one uh what was he driving it's like one of those ones it's almost looks like it has training wheels but it's a motorcycle yeah yeah yeah it's like a trike a trike yeah I know what I was going to tell you what's he
doing with that I don't know it was weird seeing him on that we growing up in Florida we played bow and arrows all the time like they were [ __ ] yeah I was meant to tell you this and so we're in Hawaii we went on a bore hunt where in Hawaii where we Chase it with the dogs and then stab it in the heart Trip Flip for Trip Flip yeah whoa that's a crazy [ __ ] trip who is that someone's idea yeah the guy's idea no it's our idea oh it's your idea for them here you going to go murder an animal yeah that's murder an you got to you got you got to run it by them and you know be like you're cool with this I'm never going to put someone in a situation and if they weren't cool with it we just wouldn't have done it right but it's look it's it's I believe this if you're going to enjoy bacon you better be cool with the Harvest yes I believe that yeah and so um so we get like a thing full of pimples and we go catch a pig Hold hold it down my guy grabs a knife stabs it in the heart and and then when they then they tie it up they tie the feet and legs together like the wrists and the ankles together and I wear it like a backpack carrying it out of the woods [ __ ] heavy ass Pig but the best part is that I know I I know I could [ __ ] around with a bow and arrow pretty easily and and be okay so we're with all these real [ __ ] Hawaiian hunters and they got everything they got and they've got in their backyard this huge house they've got the hay bales with the Target and I said I bet anyone in the crew right now I can get close to a bullseye I can get I can hit the target from like [ __ ] not 100 yards but like 50 yards Under the Tent I said I can do it from Under the Tent there's a big [ __ ] tent wait wait wait there's a tent and you're going to shoot from Under the Tent out through the tent into the [ __ ] Bullseye and they're like how are you GNA do that just by shooting wait a minute what kind of a bow are you talking about compound bow and it's going to go 50 yards it's going to go I'm I'm guessing I'm trying to ballpark right now I don't remember are you looking through a site they have well there is a site on the there was a site on the do it have a peep site on the string like and then another site that you're lining the site up with uh it was it was the it was the it was there was a
site I don't know what site it was but but in my head I'm like I can confidently do it without the sight like because I you can hit the bullseye from 50 yard not the bullseye but I said I could hit the target but it's really hard to do really hard to do but I know I can do it so I'm like I go who's in and I was and everyone's like [ __ ] [ __ ] I get from under the [ __ ] tent I pull back I hold it and as soon as I pull the back once you pull a compound bow back it's easy to hold like and so I hold it I start lining up the sight sing lucky as [ __ ] I hit the target I like part of me was like I don't know if I can do this but everyone on the crew was like shut the [ __ ] up so then everyone on the crew tried to do it they couldn't even pull the compound bow back like they were they were like there's a picture I posted on Instagram a while of my buddy Eric trying to pull the bow back and he couldn't even get it all the way back how many pounds to was it I don't know I don't know it's one of the guys it's pretty it was a pretty heavy bow it's very difficult to hit a Target that's 50 yards 50 yards maybe longer than I may be exaggerating for but I don't know it's just very difficult to know where the pins going like if you would have to if you have a pin on a bow there's two different types of pins there's a single pin and a single pin you rotate forward and backward with this sight so the site has like a yardage on it so like you have it set at 20 yards yards is like where like a maybe a shortest shot would be like say if you're in a tree stand it long it was longer than 20 yards okay so then if it's longer what you do is you put a like a laser sight on it you lock on how far it is the exact distance 50 yards I was drunk then you dial it back but my point is that an arrow when you shoot an arrow for like 50 yards it's going to drop considerably especially depending on how strong the bow is how heavy the arrow is this is very hard it may not have been 50 yards but it was definitely further far as [ __ ] right okay so you feel like you could do it again yeah wow yeah dude you got to come over my house we shoot AR well I it's so funny that make a video of those we I told you we when we were kids we used to do them with our feet like that was our big thing was all because we went to a camp
where it was all bow and arrow heavy like a recurve bow is that what it was a regular bow and arrow we did we like a compound though right it wasn't a compound bow we did we went deer we went uh hunting in Italy with bows but ones that you got to hold the arrows you got to hold the bow sideways sideways yeah so like some bows you can't just uh like uh God damn it man I wish I was smarter and I paid attention more oh I know what you're saying because they don't have a rest they don't have a rest so you got to hold it sideways and shoot the bow that way like the the way the Mongols used to do it right and I never shot with one of those bows but I was cocky then too and I was like oh I got this cuz I grew up with bows and arrows and I [ __ ] pulled it back and I [ __ ] could not hit this goddamn deer I [ __ ] I mean I tried like it's not a it's it's not an easy thing to do man a regular bow regular bows are hard as [ __ ] compound bows are a little more user friendly in my opinion it's way easier yeah it's way easier that's why they say that if you really want to learn a bow and arrow you should learn on traditional like a recurve yeah it's because it becomes like you know like you if you were shooting a three-pointer you know you kind of gotta you you throw it a few times and you kind of get a judge of how hard you have to throw it yeah and then eventually you get it you figure it out well that's the whole idea behind a recurve is that you got to figure figure out how far that arrow is going to go what's going to be the trajectory and if you shoot 100 hours a day over the course of years you develop a real feel for it yeah and some guys like I um bought my bow at this place in uh Lo alaminos and the guy who uh owns it it's been shooting bows and arrows since he was like a kid and he's in his probably in his 60s and he just picked up this bow slapped an arrow on it went and I mean I'm telling you like within like five or six seconds from picking the bow up putting the arrow on he had let go and nailed the target hit a bullseye at 20 yards I mean it was it was like this click click I mean it took just no time at all yeah he's just so he's like when you've shot as many arrows as I have you just kind of know where the arrow is going to go just based on the numbers like the input like
if you throw a 100 free throws you kind of get an idea of how hard you have to throw that free throw you shoot 100 arrows you go oh that's over there you your your brain almost has like a calculator as far as like distance like like if you're going to throw a rock you kind of know how far you know if I gave you a rock and the rock is like the size of a golf ball you're like H I think I could throw it over there yeah I kind of have a good idea where this Rock's going it's muscle memory too yeah definitely what it's input it's like you get enough input you shoot all these arrows like that one went there that one went there okay I see where it's going on and you start calculating it up in your brain and then your mind knows exactly how high you should raise that Arrow you know so that it compensates for the distance that it has to travel and the drop that it's going to have over the course of time yeah with a compound bow you don't do that as much you do it with a sight I want to say there was a green laser on it but I can't remember could be yeah they have this thing uh Trijicon has one it looks like a green laser but it's really like a triangle and you rotate it forward and backward depending on how the distance is these guys would totally take you if you want to go bore hunting in Hawaii next time it was on Kawaii but uh if I go Hawaii it's with my family and I'm not coming home bloody there's certain things that I separate um all my manly type behaviors really separating from my little girls yeah I don't think I want them to see me [ __ ] stab a barar with a knife while dogs are holding it down what are you doing in maasa yeah they don't I bet if they saw a real wild pig though they'd probably be completely freaked out because like oh [ __ ] yeah pigs to them are these cute things they did see a we took them to um there's a a farm up in in um Southern California forget the name of the farm but you go there it's like you could pick your own vegetables and you can um you can uh they weigh them for you like you pick radishes and whatever and it's fun you know the kids get to do that and but they also have this [ __ ] pig that's as big as a table dude I mean is the biggest pig you've ever seen in your life it's just gigantic this huge thing and they tweak out on that thing they're
like what the [ __ ] is that yeah like they think of a pig as being like a cute little piggy like they have stuffed pig Piggies you know uh one of my daughters is a piggy backpack that she wears sometimes this little Pink Piggy and then they're seeing this [ __ ] wallowing mud covered Beth this enormous Pig it's so [ __ ] big and they're like what is that I'm like that's a pig like no it's not that's not a pig but like yeah that's a pig it's not pink yeah pigs aren't pink they're not all pink like what and you can see their little faces their little computer spinning like that's a [ __ ] pig I mean thing is just this big around and fat and [ __ ] up and oh covered in mud just just disgust it is a disgusting animal but if you see a wild one they're even more gangster yeah but they don't they don't taste good Wild Ones wild pigs don't taste good you're out of your mind that's what they told us don't don't tell don't listen to anybody they're delicious I I I shot a wild pig and made ham and it's the best ham I've ever had in my life smoked it over like at least 10 hours I don't know how many hours it took long isn't there truth to the fact that what the pig eats you are then eating so if it's living off like [ __ ] shitty vegetation it's going to taste shitty because they were telling us the pig normally when they they'll catch the pig and then they'll put it and keep it and feed it good fog son that's not a pig in the pig family well yeah you can do that I mean you definitely could do that and some guys do that to to get the pig fatter like some of the wild pigs aren't as fat the wild pig that I shot though is at tone Ranch which is like rich and acorns and all these different different things that the pigs could eat it was fat and it was delicious it was so good man I smoked it um uh in one of those smokers and I brined it for like six days before I smoked it Brian ate some of it yeah that was some of the best meat I've ever had in my life really delicious if I had to choose one meat that I've ever had ever that would have been the one I chose as the best meat I've ever they told us they told us the one we killed they're like it's not going to taste that great they're idiots yeah they're taking it home and eating it they don't know what they're doing either yeah
that's probably that I found out that that was true about um um Marlin like you catch a Marlin they tell you oh you can't even eat these you know meanwhile yeah you can eat a Marlin it's like swordfish they chop it up in a staks but when you it's kind of a racket when you uh pay for someone to take you fishing or pay for someone to take you hunting sometimes they want that meat and they're like you don't even want this meat dude this is bad meat you're like oh it's okay it's bad meat wild pig is some of the most delicious meat you will ever eat in your life without a doubt I can say that with 100% confidence cuz I haven't just eaten this pig I've eaten other people's pigs they shot and [ __ ] fantastic do you think maybe that's just Hawaiian then no no I'm I know these I'm telling you they're bullshitting you Hawaiians are famous for luow what do they cook of their luow pigs why do they cook pigs because that's what they hunt they have wild pigs all over Hawaii it's one of the few animals that they brought over with them when people colonize Hawaii like it's one of the few animals they they left loose and they became feral they have deer they have some Axis deer in some of the islands they have uh some Mountain goats and some of the places maybe I maybe I miss they [ __ ] you they [ __ ] you and they stole your pig we we weren't going to take it home well they probably didn't want you to eat any of it they didn't want you to bring it back to the the restaurant they could probably sell it yeah I don't know they were good guys I I don't think they're they're good guys you're on TV whatever whatever I love B give me a hug give me a hug and give me that [ __ ] pig they took they stole your pig bro it's no big deal they're delicious man don't let anybody tell you different there's a lot of animals that people will tell you they're they're not good to eat like another one that keep keeps coming up is black bear like someone got mad my friend Cameron Haynes I posted this video of him shooting a black bear with a bow and arrow people like that's [ __ ] horrible that's disgusting they don't even eat those they taste like [ __ ] there's all these people saying they taste terrible I've had black bear it tastes delicious it tastes weird it definitely tastes different like you
kind of know you're eating a bear tastes like a bear it's a different taste but it's good it's like if you ever had elk yeah delicious yeah really [ __ ] good you know you're eating an elk like when you're eating elk you're like woo this is different it's kind of crazy it's like that wild pig that didn't tastes like anything else right no it that just tastes it doesn't taste like ham you you've tasted cigara before of you haven't tasted cigara lately stop doing that he tastes like he tastes like Kodiak mint Kodiak mint what does that mean it's a dip that's got a bear on the cover he's a different kind of bear he's reluctant you saw that's when when I was getting my nose fixed he was like fighting a reluctant bear fighting being a bear back then he jogging and [ __ ] so was just taking him on the road he probably wasn't doing so well he doesn't have as much money for food you know now he can eat whatever the [ __ ] he wants he's have you ever seen the pictures of him when he was in high school no he looks like a male model I swear to God I swear to God he to he sent some picture I don't know what it was but it was he looked like a male model I was like he's a funny dude man oh he's so [ __ ] funny he's a funny dude I love hanging out with that guy too we just did the comedy magic club together a couple weeks ago last week actually funny dude man Tom sigura he was the only guy out of all the people that I went on that Maxim comedy tour with um that I uh really stayed friends with yeah um like out of the guys that opened I'm still friends with Charlie Murphy and hefron but there was like we had 22 different openers but one of them stood out it was seura do you remember any of the other ones yeah Josh McDermot no no no no no no Josh McDermot opened up for us in Phoenix when he he did a competition and that was a funny story it was one of the Joey Diaz missing in action videos Joey Diaz [ __ ] vanished like a [ __ ] pow and n and you couldn't get any words as where the [ __ ] he was I I started bringing two guys in the road with me for that very reason and that was one of those times where Joey had vanished Joey vanished and we couldn't get a hold of him so who was it was mcder and who else was it Duncan or Ari I think it's Ari [ __ ] it might have been Matty kers it
was a long ass time ago it might have been who knows who it was but whoever it was we had to get someone to and we were there the night before cuz I had to do radio and we watch this local contest and Josh mcder went up who he was living in Phoenix at the time he's [ __ ] hilarious and so now he's on The Walking Dead it's crazy oh are you [ __ ] me yeah he's one of he's a super smart scientist to in The Walking Dead are you [ __ ] kidding me yeah that dude he he did the podcast before he did the podcast Ice House Chronicles yeah what is this 504 what's up what's episode is this this is 506 Jesus Christ Josh McD's a good dude you got to get him on the podcast post that show and have him come and talk about it I've been trying he's going to as soon as he I mean they they're filming oh yeah they're filming like crazy I mean the show's down so that means they're filming the next season [ __ ] doing one of those shows man that's the rest of your life when when you do a show like that like those Jo those shows they take 16 hours a day to film if you heard that clang that's the Jack Daniels jar I'm celebrating guys yeah you are celebrating I'm celebrating I'm I'm an accomplish author I'm an accomplish author I have a a p uh my li your liver my liver is good it's on the other side of my body it hadn't been hurting at all give me a swig of that Mr Crusher is is whiskey your main liquor is that your big do you ever go through like a tequila phase or do you go through phases like I'm ready only do vodka like what happened to the machine vodka by the way was [ __ ] dead that was the biggest [ __ ] mistake of my life what happened oh just a nightmare man and and what'll happen is someone will hear this and I appreciate everyone who helped out thank you everyone I know you all are big fans of Joe's podcast um uh it just it it it's a racket it's you can understand why it's a family run businesses that you can't get in it's like a country club and so what do you what is it's like and no one wanted to lior business yeah and it's just is really expensive how does Puff Daddy get in there um honestly you could probably do it you could probably do it but to yeah yeah but to be me and do it is impossible like one the first people I
told you about was really great it was a great [ __ ] investment I thought and what it was is travel size VOD cap pouches remember I told you about that One MH really easy stamp the face on the cover and you do these travel pouches they're great for summer you put them in your drinks and and it's really cheap the problem is they're like okay when you want $250,000 and your shipment will be ready to be picked up on Thursday and I was like okay I understand the money but what do you mean my shipment and they're like well you got to pick it up and then you need to store it somewhere and then you need to sell it out of somewhere I was like I'm starting [ __ ] business whole thing yeah and so I was like okay that's not what I wanted to do what did you want to do you wanted to put your name on it and they deal with everything and I wanted to stamp my name on it and help promote it that could happen you could just you just need to get with a better company Ron Jeremy can do it you can do it wait a minut why can't it happen I've I've tried four times and every time it is the exact same thing is that you need like some managerial type people to take care of that [ __ ] for you I tried you're doing it on your own I'm doing it on my own with with my wife yeah and it's just a [ __ ] nightmare all due respect to you and your wife you're not you're not in the business you should get someone who knows how to do it we did there was a guy that came out in Portland really nice and he came and met with me and he's like I heard that you want to start a vodka through Joe's podcast let me do this and we came in we had a big [ __ ] tasting we selected our brand we liked it I got [ __ ] everyone I mean everyone was in we did the tasting at my house everyone tried it everyone liked the exact same one okay great let's go and they're like you know quarter million dollars and what are you gonna how how are you going to distribute the pro whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa you had to give him a quarter million dollars not him he he was doing it this guy was really cool I wish I could remember his name he was really cool he just set me up and he was like I don't want I don't need a piece of it I want I like Joe's podcast I like you I think this would be a good thing for you I'll set you up with the people and as soon as it he he
moved out of it the people were like we want you've got to pay all this [ __ ] money I was like I just want you to stamp it on they're like that's not going to happen so it's like it's just okay so it's a scam it's not a scam it is kind of a scam they they they want you to take all the risks they don't really want to be in business with you but what they'll do is they'll be your distributor they'll make your they'll make youris or your manufacturer they'll make they'll make your whiskey and then you got to figure out how to get it into stores right and so it just was like a [ __ ] I was like I'm done that seems like a lot of work it's been such a pain in the ass that I and I and you get so excited because it's gets so close and then it just falls apart you're like ah [ __ ] it yeah [ __ ] it indeed there's uh websites that actually you know do like where you can start your own brand of like vodka or whiskey and stuff like that there there's so much more to this that I'm not even sharing with you apparently your label needs to be approved by the FDA like so it's you can't it's can't be as simple as just being on a website I only say that because we got to the places where it got really difficult and I was just like it's not worth our time yeah that seems like a drag I'm telling you what man I'm going to do a [ __ ] after I'm done with this book and I'm and I I'm going back on the road I'm going Bill bur style and I'm scrapping [ __ ] material cuz I feel like I've I feel like I've been Treading Water artistically and not moving forward does that make sense yeah you don't um you don't throw your [ __ ] out after you do a special my Pro I haven't done a special in so long my problem is I write a lot on stage so I always have like 20 minutes of new stuff every night right where I'm kind of [ __ ] around of figuring things out um but like I got I got I got caught and tell I got caught telling the machine story you know the machine story everyone wants to hear it and I get it I totally want them to hear it if they paid for the tickets do you write right do you sit down front the computer I did with the book and with the book I found that my writing got exponentially better and Tighter yeah like and I was like holy [ __ ] man I'm I'm dealing with things because I got into like the
machine story I told the in the book it is to like I talk about the dude I remember telling you about this but like I shortened it for stage there was another dude with me that whole night I really kind of got into the the how they got the money into the country to pay off the mafia mhm and I you were like God damn it why wasn't I talking about this on stage before right so writing really does help with that process of writing on stage and it it just makes it better yeah I'm sure writing is everything man you know Planet of the Apes I gotta remember that story um I find that being on the podcast helps me uh like doing my podcast helps me write material just in the in the sense that you come up with a thought and you're like oh that's [ __ ] funny do this do you like this is mine over the last few months we've had these legal pads I leave around here for the guests for me anytime something that you can't you know you got to remember you got to go back to it later I just write [ __ ] down on these things I just started taping my sets just started reselling yeah I don't like it because if I tape then I don't feel creative I feel like I'm not going to talk I feel like I'll work on material what I know sh just tape every set then it becomes normal I know I'm going to the problem is I don't listen to them a lot unless there something really genius happens but you have it look I have a 100 [ __ ] plus sets on my on my uh phone at all times at any given time look at this at any given time these are all different comedy sets where do you just sit your phone out off to the side I just put it on the stool look at that that's hundreds of sets man I think every comic does that nowadays yeah it's on your phone every [ __ ] cell phone tell you what when I was young there were two t and by the way I understand that I'm setting myself up to be slammed on this there were two types of coms you do that I I can't help it I like it I [ __ ] I miss hanging out like this this is fun as [ __ ] there were two types of comics there were the guys that had tape recorders on stage and then there were the black comics and I liked the black Comics like Mike EPS Mike EPS I say Tracy Morgan and I know that me and him may never be
friends Mike EPS Tracy Morgan Dave Chappelle Tony Woods where the guys I never party with Dave Chappelle but I party I party with EPs and I party with Tony and and and I hung out with Chappelle one night like but not nothing big right but I'd watch him on stage and it was like they were creating in the moment GRE Barnes do you remember GRE Barnes sure gre's hilarious a [ __ ] monster I did a lot of Road gigs with career he is one of the best Comics I've ever seen on stage he's a funny dude man I was always shocked that that guy didn't become famous me too there's a few of those guys yeah Reggie mcfaden is another one I talk about all the time I don't understand it Reggie mcfaden when we were living in uh New York I was in new relle like 92 or something like that I saw Reggie mcfaden at a a a black comedy club an all black comedy club in Mount Vernon called the champagne Comedy Club I could never work it cuz you had to be squeaky clean yeah like this dude had all these rules no [ __ ] can't say no [ __ ] no [ __ ] he don't say the [ __ ] had a big ass you said the the the girl had a wide behind like he would give you these things the way you would describe things I was like well I'll never work at this place but at least I can go with my friend my friend was working there and he was working with Reggie mcfat and and Reggie just destroyed destroyed I remember watching him going whoa this kid is talented and I remember thinking you know I was in my early 20s like I guess I was like 23 or 24 or something like that and I was thinking man this is so cool like to be a part of like this scene and you know being around these Comedians and they're all going to be huge someday and but some of them for whatever Tony Woods for some of them I just I don't get it how does Tony Woods not gigantic I don't know man Tony Woods is [ __ ] hilarious when ion Tony Woods came to the DC Improv one night I wish why don't people tape these moments Tony Woods comes to the DC Improv one night sold out beautiful beautiful and he I hear him in the back why don't you tell that Tracy Morgan story I said who is that and in my head I thought it's either one of two people it's either Tony Woods or Tracy Morgan right right right and I said is that Tony yeah ber tell that story tell your story of that
night and I went all right everyone the guy that was there with me that night's Tony Woods he's in the room I said Tony why don't you do this why don't we come up on stage you come up you tell your side of the story I'll tell my side of the story and we'll see where the two middles meet he's like that's what I want so Tony Tony comes up we have two mics and we told the story and it's amazing to hear his Rec oh yeah I got off [ __ ] stage [ __ ] and I told and I cuz I cuz one of my favorite things is I don't remember I don't remember anything but I I wanted to know if Tony remembered the end of that night the exact same way I did with that's line yeah that's how you get out a bill bur quite so I said to him I said uh I said and he's on the ground and Tony I remember Tony said and all I'm thinking is what are we gonna do with the dead Tracy Morgan man this is gonna ruin our career Bert and I go and then he stood up and I looked at Tony and he I mean identical he goes he snapped his shirt and he looked he said now that's how you get out of paying the check and walked away and I was like [ __ ] it was like one of those things where you got proven that you didn't lie right and I was like I [ __ ] knew it it was like uh on Facebook the people that now obviously the book's been out the people that were involved in the Russian train story have all heard about it and so they're all replying like yeah I was there 100% true that's funny even when you hear it you're like I [ __ ] knew it like and you know you're telling the truth but you it's just you as a comic like you said your imagination takes over and you try to get the laugh and you never know yeah it's it's it's weird when you go back and you think about those dudes like Reggie mcfaden so like Reggie mcfaden uh and this story may not be accurate but this is how I remember it Reggie mcfaden we're all doing a barcast showcase and uh the line is be clean oh no who says that I think it's Barry son of a [ __ ] and Reggie mcfaden goes up on stage and his first joke is um let me tell you why you're never supposed to eat strip a [ __ ] really I I I like I bar look I'm [ __ ] who [ __ ] knows I don't want Reggie M to get upset but I remember him she was kind of clean it seemed it
seemed it seemed [ __ ] and he talked about if you're the first person to eat stripper [ __ ] you're not you're not the first person to eat stripper [ __ ] that night right you're the fifth person and you're G to get like it was a joke but that was the whole [ __ ] premise and I remember Barry in the back like ringing his hands like I thought he I said to we clean how come he didn't work clean yeah work clean is always so stupid career Bond a monster do you remember was it Hans do you remember a guy had a joke about the Jamaican Subway shooting no remember the Jamaican guy that went on the Long Island Expressway with the rifle yes do you remember you don't remember the guy that joke no one of the most murderous jokes I've ever seen and I wish I could remember it and fron fron was his name I feel like I was out of New York by then and fr yeah I think I was already in uh La yeah black dude I remember when you first came out to LA and you and I want to say I want to say I remember it because it was like you had done some article about uh about uh who was and wasn't funny anymore or something but I remember it was like maybe videotape but it was on your lot like and you were standing and you were telling like oh yeah that guy's not [ __ ] funny I don't [ __ ] I don't know what are you talking about trying to remember the best I can oh that didn't happen really yeah there's no way I was doing a video saying who's not funny anymore that someone used to be funny and isn't probably confusing me with somebody else really yeah cuz I always thought it was you and I always thought you and the only the best part is that I remember the best part was that I remember I guess watching it with some people and Bobby Kelly was like oh man there goes all my acting gigs I look just like the guy what I [ __ ] joke Bobby Kelly said he look just like me yeah and I can't remember I can't remember Bobby Kelly is my friend yeah I know but I knew him from a long time ago no no no oh then it may not have been you no it wasn't me it wasn't you then no Bobby Kelly and I had sex in the same room together we picked up these two chicks and brought it back friends we picked up these two chicks and brought them back to his place really yeah yeah I tried to do that with
Dane one time didn't Dane wasn't into it Dane got so pissed at me scared of you he was like no he pissed he like bigger what if the girl wants you what if you're funnier he goes turn it off B turn it off turn it off I go what he goes the comedy we're done it's over let's make this happen by the way I probably shouldn't be telling the story you probably should Jesus Christ we didn't [ __ ] anyone we didn't [ __ ] anyone settle down don't Lie from here on out just let it go okay I'll tell you I'll tell you the picked up two girls don't don't tell the story I thought you said tell the truth no no no no don't tell it we didn't [ __ ] anybody but I remember Dane the valuable lesson in that was Dane was like uh you're not going to see my [ __ ] nope he goes uh he goes you got to learn when to turn it off I'm leaving what you don't have to turn it off cuz I was being a comic in the bed and like I was trying to joke around and Dane's like you're you're [ __ ] blocking the moment by trying to be funny we're done we did the stage show it's it's over wow what [ __ ] this is like going to be the most I'm just Burning Bridges left and right on this podcast today seems like that I would advise not talking anymore we didn't have sex with anyone we just hung out with some girls and that's over whatever whatever well you know there's some dudes that like they they will feel like you're [ __ ] up their Vibe if you're just constantly hitting on the yuck yucks and they're trying to get some Barry White music playing right that's me yeah I'm a funny [ __ ] I [ __ ] yeah I'm not I'm not I can't I can't turn it off ever even when you're having sex yeah I'll tickle you when I'm [ __ ] you if if I turn it off if I turn it off during sex it looks creepy [ __ ] this is an image I don't want all the other images that I have of you in my head they're all jammed together now yeah I can't I can't tickling girls and they're just shaking their head looking at you like what are you doing wait so you can you just shut it down and just go into sexy mode sexy oh yeah you know it's it's like people either have sexy mode or they don't it's like it's like a toggle switch you know you either hey I didn't work for it I'm not proud of it
it's like something I was just born with smolder smolder you just have it or you don't bro I don't have it and I don't even know why I got it I got to go leave but have you did you see Bobby Kelly sexy mode when you guys had sex with girls no we're all [ __ ] hammered we were all 21 or something Have you ever ever let another dude see your sexy mode there was no sexy mode man we were laughing you know we we took these chicks we met them they were really cool we had a good time and next thing you know we were back at Bobby's place and I don't even think we thought we were going to wind up actually having sex but next thing you know everyone's naked really yeah Bobby and his girl were over there and Bobby gave me his bed he's [ __ ] cool guy and me and this chick were on Bobby's bed we were both children we're we're all children yeah you know I was probably 24 I think maybe somewhere around then I love Bobby and Bobby was uh [ __ ] Bobby was probably the same age or somewhere around there I think he's a little younger than me yeah's I think he's I want to say he's my age how old are you 41 yeah maybe didn't make too much sense that doesn't make too much sense because then he would be I'm 46 he' be five years younger so he'd be 20 at the time if I was 25 or 24 he was 19 I don't think so I don't think he was that young yeah but either way we were uh we're working together and it is when he was with uh he had a comedy team with Dane Cook they were Allen the monkeys Allen the monkeys yeah yeah and him and Al and Dane and Bobby would do they would do sketches and then they would do like each do like five minutes of standup and uh then uh Dane would do like the last bit and then I would go on after those guys and I would just do stand up we did a couple gigs together like that by the way guys I'm not talking [ __ ] about Bobby and DNE please no one start a bob good dude I love Bobby he's one of my favorite people I call him when I have drama is not a bad guy either he's just troubled like many comedians you know he's made his errors for sure but he's he's suffered for those errors and there's a lot of uh there's a lot of value to that suffering for comedians both value to the creative aspect of his suffering and you know the the originality aspect of the suffering
when your originality is questioned you know everybody has thought of something that somebody had already thought of it just happens yeah you know there's a lot of [ __ ] that's kind of I don't want to say obvious but it's available if you do the math you know and there's the real problem is when guys find out that they that there's a bit that already exists and they don't drop their own you're too thirsty then you're too hungry you're too you're also not confident enough in your your own abilities because your own abilities you should have you you should have enough confidence in the fact that you put in the hours you work on your writing you work on your craft you work on your your your idea of being an artist a standup comedian and what's a threat to that art well you would say one of the big threats to that art is if you you're not original that's a threat if you can't be creative that's a threat so if something comes along and then threatens that originality and creativity you shouldn't say hey but I'm still getting laughed with that so [ __ ] it I'm going to keep going no what you should do is abandon that and concentrate solely on creating something to fill its place yeah say oh there's a bit that like here's an example of one where I [ __ ] up on and I didn't even know I [ __ ] up until years and years later I did a bit about penguins and it was about that that March of the Penguins bit remember that movie the march of the Penguins Morgan Freeman was hosting it and uh I did a bit about it's so obvious about you know Penguins or monogamous but it's not that impressive because they look exactly the same it's not like one is Rosie O'Donnell one looks like Jenna Jameson like you know like the [ __ ] Penguins you could pretend you're banging your sister your mom they all look the same yeah and uh Ellen degenerous had a bit years before that and I didn't even hear it until I was driving in my car and I was listening to uh XM Satellite Radio at the time and they had the Comedy Hour whatever it was raw dog yeah and Ellen degenerous was talking about penguins looking exactly the same like why it's not that impressive they're monogamous they look exactly the same it's mean it's so obvious it's right there but if I had heard her do it I would have never done it but I think she got there first
I think like the the year of her her bit precedes the year of mine because I think it she didn't even mention the march of the Penguins I think it was before March of the Penguins even came out that's one of the one of the biggest fears of your young comic is is if you're afraid to listen to people's albums because you're afraid they're going to do bits like you yeah you need to [ __ ] start writing more well you know Jim Norton doesn't listen other comedians for that very reason he doesn't like going to Comedy no you got to you got to and Ari said this Ari and I did a podcast uh this week about my first album ever and Ari was extremely critical of it and rightfully so that's the reason we did it are we wrapping up we getting close five minutes we got five minutes and so Ari was extremely critical of it but I said that's why I want to do this I want to look at me when I was young and [ __ ] really bad and hungry and dirty and not clean about what I wanted or my dreams or my hopes because I don't want people to hear me just me and him just glad hand me on on a [ __ ] on a on a CD and we did and and there was a that was a lot my fear as a young was just oh just I want to succeed I want to be a headliner you got to do you got to let the pace be the pace well you have have to [ __ ] up and learn along the way you have to [ __ ] up and learn yeah I'm taking a big sabatical after I wrap this and I'm going to [ __ ] write and work and just it's and start hanging out of clubs but you got to watch Young comics and find out what they're doing sometimes yeah because you got to know where the where the [ __ ] where the meter is like who if I got a like Ari was saying on the thing if there's crocodile hunter bits where big deal well if you weren't in the clubs you didn't realize everyone had a [ __ ] crocodile hunter bit everybody yeah and I I avoided it and I [ __ ] have an obsession with lizards cuz you don't want to be the guy with a crocodile bit Hunter bit also dude I have a lizard skin wrap on my pool queue I have cases that are made out of alligator skin I'm obsessed with reptiles and the the whole thing about this crocodile hunter this guy drove me crazy but I would never talk about him because of the fact there was so many you would go on stage The Comedy Store
and if you had a 10:00 spot the show starts at eight8 there might be three guys before you that did a [ __ ] crocodile hunter joke I don't want that I don't want to be the guy go hey did anyone do the thing about [ __ ] I have a ton of [ __ ] it was too late too late too late for [ __ ] here's what I like [ __ ] that's my Dave tell [ __ ] love that guy yeah there's so many fake dve tels out there dude put me in that group no you don't do a David no no but when you're younger you don't know what you're doing on stage and you emulate you know what you ready for what I'm doing okay I talked to fit Simmons the other day he was on my podcast I'll I'll probably release it tomorrow fit Simmons is going to uh I'm I'm gonna pay him and he's gonna sit and vet my hour oh that's a good move Fitz Simmons is a brutal critic and he's smart as [ __ ] and he's a real good comic move he's like you know what Bert I'll tell you what you don't need and I'll tell you what's hacky I'll tell you where you should go and you may not be ready for another hour you may need to work but he's like you know you got to do this you got to do that guys have done that like Chris Rock did that when he created new hours he had Nick depalo Rich Voss and they would write for him write write ideas I don't want Greg to write for me I'm very strict about that I write my own material I say my own material if it comes out of my mouth it's mine forever yeah but I would like Greg to I don't mind Greg punching up a joke or helping me with a joke but I I but I I want him to tell me what is not what I'm better than no one's better to tell you than Greg yeah he's a [ __ ] Greg's one of the one of the [ __ ] guys that because I'm a friend with you I've become friends with him he a smart dude man so why I'm grateful for my friendship with you let's wrap this up I'm grateful for my friendship with you too I this has been a cool family to be involved in and it it is uh it's one of the things I say I said to Stan hope is one of my favorite things is the fact that I've earned the right to call myself a standup comedian and then have real conversations with real people like you guys because it's you you can't get this at a country club no well I think you know as we we mosha uh cash yesterday we were talking about like Comics are like
the only people that truly understand Comics yeah no one's going to get us it's just it's so weird to be that kind of a [ __ ] and Outsider that comes up with these ideas that other people are just I mean some people are going to be funny upon occasion there's going to be a stress build up and someone's going to be the guy that busts the bubble and releases and everyone's going to go oh John's so funny but there's a real difference between that and an Ari shaffir there's a real difference between that and a Craftsman who's out there Joey Diaz or Doug Stan hope Stan hope I love we all you know it's hard for other people to understand each other that's why I've always been so supportive of other comedians I'm I think it's real important it was really important to me when I when I first started out to get like the green light and the approval from other comedians like I've talked about on the podcast how Mark Maron gave me like a little pep talk once when I was an open micer changed my world like I was convinced like I could do it if this guy Mark Maron was a he was a real Pro he was coming back from The Comedy Store everybody knew that he was he used to work at The Comedy Store in La which was Mecca that was like this guy had been to Jerusalem or some [ __ ] you know I mean and when he told me I was good I was like holy [ __ ] I'm good W I'm going to really do this like that those little moments for a comic despite I bombed a [ __ ] thousand times after that I mean everybody bombs Everybody Eats dick but that's also part of trying to find your voice and trying to find your your your material and trying to figure out it ain't easy it ain't easy to do this and we all need each other dude look at look at my life from when I met you guys like I mean like I say this I blow smoke up your ass a lot I know you told me to stop but like Brian's wearing my shirt my book's out today and I'm hanging out we're all still friends and and I I'm telling a machine story on stage that I would have never [ __ ] told had I not met you I would have never told it I I love you buddy but you would have have figured it out one day you would have got to a point where like I need some new material I was in Russia and then it would just it would just start taking off look we help each other man but you
know you are just as important to me as I am to you you know and and Brian you're just as important to me as I am to you too all of you Jamie I could do with her without you if Jamie wasn't here no one would building Brian sweetie I don't mean that no we we we all feed off of each other and it's what you make out of these relationships that is like that's sort of your responsibility when you're around as many talented people as you can if if you just sort of lay back and become the guy where everybody goes [ __ ] you know Timmy doesn't write new jokes this [ __ ] is bombing all the time we bring him on the road he does the same jokes he did a year ago and he's eating dick then Timmy's not doing his part and then Timmy winds up getting cut out of the [ __ ] rose bush and that's just how it goes and it's all for all of us too it's important look I have benefited from being friends with all of the people in this room but I've also benefited from being friends with Duncan from being inspired by him by being inspired by Joey or Ari or Doug or just n you know fill the fill in the blank keep going whoa almost got my computer again with my [ __ ] Italian hand gesture [ __ ] Jesus Christ look at it it's trying to find my computer like a [ __ ] like a one of those lamp in a um Shannon Dy movie lamp yes I watched the attack of the killer lamp Shannon Dy she's back and you don't listen to The Smiths no Shannon Dy is back I heard that on the way here I was like wait you don't listen to the Smith but you like music okay they're okay a let's go get weird Tonetta t o n t he's interesting man take us out on the song called drugs drugs drugs find Tonetta drugs drugs drugs online and you'll kind of understand what I'm saying and then I'll and I'll read off uh what we need to cover on this podcast ber Chrysler ladies and gentlemen the life of the [ __ ] party I [ __ ] love you Joe I put up a link earlier today on amaz go to my Twitter and you can buy his book it is uh it's in bookes this guy's doing this [ __ ] in his living room in his underwear don't take them away from me I'm happy doing drugs sounds like [ __ ] drugs drugs it actually sounds pretty good give them all to me yeah he's fasc no Violet FS
are Greatful are [ __ ] good he is who he is that guy's him that's him and he's bombing he's doing or balling rather I like him I like all of you all right you [ __ ] listen we will be back on Saturday night for some sort of a UFC um uh fight what do we call them fight Companion podcast it most likely be Callen Brandon Walsh Eddie Bravo and me and we're going to watch the fights and we're going to talk some [ __ ] and allegedly marijuana might be distributed and someone someone to bring a bottle of wine and uh skip my show in Philly I'm can watch oh how dare you it's available for download later you don't have to skip any shows live in the moment remember the moment no recordings live in the [ __ ] moment all right you dirty [ __ ] we'll be back soon uh rogan.com go there save 25 bucks on the new Android device the the sexiest of the sexy including the HTC1 M8 which I have my dirty little eyeballs on dink dink dink uh thanks to on it.com go to o n niit t use the code word Rogan and save 10% off of any and all supplements for uh limited edition Kitty Cat t-shirts and all of the information about podcasts and uh any of uh Brian's comedy dates go to Des squad. TV and get your freak on including this Friday night we'll be at the Ice House in Pasadena in the little room doing uh an episode of Thunder [ __ ] which is a completely improvisational podcast the audience yells out ideas you go on stage Blitz out of your [ __ ] mind and you talk mad [ __ ] and it's the funnest thing I've ever done in my life are you around Friday night I'm in Philly go [ __ ] yourself Philly stole ber Cher from me how dare you Bill Burr was right all right we we'll see you [ __ ] on Saturday night much love big kiss to everybody [Music] [Laughter]