Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBUoXxLscA4
this is episode 500 of the you know my name podcast 500 can't say my name anymore 500 I've decided that it's very douchy if you say your own name you know Joe ran as much as you Poss could avoid this episode's brought to you by Legal Zoom any legal troubles Tom not lately pH Doug St hope any legal troubles not yet you do have legal troubles like SA if you want well here's the best use of it not troubles but issues like incorporation you can incorporate with Legal Zoom did you know that yes I know that did you know you could do it cheap you could form an LLC for just under 99 bucks or just 99 bucks and up before I [ __ ] a girl on the road I have paperwork that's printed off from legalzoom.com saying that she is consenting to be here you're going to need that someday we're going to need videotaped confessions it's very important so congratulations taking that First Step have this uh option I don't maybe we can ask them you know what I think it's I think it's a project they're working on it the why you putting Maine in there what are you doing it just said what what are you searching for and just what's mocaine mushrooms and cocaine oh do you think the Legal Zoom knows about that uh they say no don't put that in commercial they're not actual legal Representatives but they do provide a fantastic service so you can be your own legal representative exactly Douglas St hope such a good pitch man on top of that you're probably the best ever and uh on top of that they can connect you to an attorney if you panic a third party attorney so if the [ __ ] hits the fan you're filling out the Legal Zoom paperwork and you're like you know what I feel very jailey I feel like I'm going to jail I'm feeling kind of you can call that uh emergency number from Legal Zoom they'll look out the window read a billboard and send you to some Sal good breaking bad [ __ ] no they the record sa Goodman did a hell of a job in that goddamn attorney uh anyway this month legal zo this is the part I I'm supposed to read this month Legal Zoom celebrates Innovation by helping you launch your dream how do you do that Legal Zoom paternity is my favorite what about you Tom oh my God paternity lawsuits you ever been accused in a
paternity suit no I haven't I was about 10 years ago it was frightening oof that's rough do we have time to the story we still we do it after the commercial I want to hear it I want to hear unless you're going to bum me out man no no no okay anyway uh go to Legal zoom.com please so can stop and uh use the use the referral code Rogan at checkout to save some money celebrate Innovation with Legal Zoom through the end of June and get a special price on trademark copyright or provincial patent applications by using the referral code Rogan at checkout do it do it Doug Stan hope you know you want to hey you know that collection of [ __ ] chewbaca and other Star Wars memorabilia that's your only valuables who's going to get that if you die that guy who are you hanging out with we're also brought you talking to the listeners yeah they I don't think there's a lot of dudes out there you know want your stepmother getting those Collectibles go to Legal Zoom get a will what if they're signed who's who is Chewbacca everybody knows who Han Solo was you know everybody knows that oh I have him in the death pool St hope celebrity death pool hey I got a plug chewbaca is a actual like 7 foot dude that's aging now and I was going to take him in my death pool and then JY the guy who runs it said I already got him we did some inside tra you can't all have the same guys you they're like great s foot guys at 60 years old no no you're not around for long yeah somebody asked that to Wilt Chamberlain he went up to wilt chamber and was having a conversation with him he like you know guys that are this as tall as you they don't really live forever and apparently Will Chamber was like hey man [ __ ] you was it Stuttering John I don't know who it was but it was rude and true apparently it's hard pump all that blood up into that ticker seven foot tall dude if I was seven foot tall I'd be in bed right now does it by my legs over my heart does the reverse work if you're like a small person do you live longer no no they die quick too I I I I went a lot of Guinness book in my last death pool picks what's what do you think would make it to 100 that would be like what's like the good like size to live long it's like 54 five what's the world average is right the Chinese tend to
live a long time I know Brian my [ __ ] filthy Scotsman manager is chomping at the bit cuz he knows all these dumb facts but he said Mediterranean people tend to live the longest but I would say think that's a diet thing though right the Asians and also they get around a lot of other nice people they have these Villages they all know each other's a lot of love that apparently actually extends lifespan less stress yeah lot less stress very Bisby like Doug Stan hope a lot of things that they don't account for when they just generalize people exactly they say Asians don't get a lot of lung cancer but they have no dairy in their diet so they take those two things you go oh well I go well I won't drink milk and eat cheese and I'll just keep chain smoking and I'll be Japanese forever I don't know what you're talking about but we're also brought to you by Ting and if you go to rogan.com you can save yourself some money and some excellent cell phone service Doug St hope they use Ting uses a Sprint backbone which means it these sound so goofy when you're doing them in the middle we should have when you have to look at your friends when you're doing should you know what Tom and I just stare at you blankly and roll our eyes th Russell while he does the commercials I'm not embarrassed to do a goddamn commercial how dare you hey they the only way the only way you get paid is if someone does you do a commercial they have that new uh Galaxy S5 on there though with the thumb print scanner and uh all the heart rate monitor though so they you know you can do that on an iPhone too I just found out that a lot actually you do that on almost any phone that has a camera really they have these applications you read uh it reads the flash Jamie showed it to me it reads the flash from the phone apparently lights up your thumb and through that the camera can see the actual blood pumping in your finger Jes and so that's how it reads your your actual heartbeat from an application on a regular phone I just want to stay alive to see what [ __ ] is like in 20 years of technology is so incredible now what's it going to be like in 20 years lighter my cigarettes iy minute I have a full pack of cigarettes somewh how accurate is that like is there super accurate super accurate yeah it's dead
on I've I've tried it with that in heart rate monitor at the same time it's dead on it's crazy you know what I've heard about Ting is they're fantastic oh you haven't heard that don't [ __ ] people duck was trending on Twitter what Ting does is they rent time on the Sprint backbone but they do it in a way where you can cancel anytime you want you own your phone it's on [ __ ] where you have to pay them back 300 bucks because you're cont financing no contract [ __ ] scam biggest scam in the world not only that no early termination fees which is another big scam here's another scam the actual minutes when they charge you X minutes you get 50 minutes per month and you know this amount of data the reality is a lot of times you pay for way more than you're using you're not using a lot of your minutes with Ting you only pay for what you use it really is a great way to do it like you don't have to like you don't have a you know $250 a month bill or whatever the [ __ ] it is it's like if you out of the country if you were only making a few calls in a week if you say you know what I'm not even [ __ ] texting people anymore your [ __ ] will drop down to nothing Ting is like a good bookie say it's 20 just let Let It Ride go ahead well they know well every you need your phone Doug stanh hope you you can you could live out in the middle of nowhere but you're going to have a [ __ ] phone on you and even you switched over to a smartphone devish bastard you hung into that flip phone I got turned on to Uber but even my Uber doesn't work right so it's not me Brian put Uber on my phone and he goes no put it on your phone because he does he a cheap [ __ ] that's a gotish accent you're a wizard with that accent a perfect Brian Brian henan doesn't even have a proper Scottish accent what's it doing Doug he talks like it doesn't tell it does it tells me I'm somewhere else yeah it told me I was in [ __ ] North Hollywood when I was in West Hollywood I could I could show you fix that for you yeah there's probably something wrong with you you probably like were hiding some [ __ ] from the government so it doesn't know exactly where you are that's what it is like you hide some of those location services because you worried they're going to [ __ ] close in on you like the police department yeah living off the grid is
as easy as not knowing how to use your [ __ ] cellone it really is let's go bus this guys North Hollywood no I'm not I just don't know how to use Uber yeah go to rogan.com save 25 bucks I love Ting rogan.com all right the cell we don't need any more commercials the cell phone they used in space Oh that's no they didn't that's tank sorry oh you funny we good check it out the Joe ran experience Train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day tting not to be confused with tang tang U remember when we were kids that was like big thing partnered up goad it would be crazy tang tang you could sip the delicious juice while you no you your cup doubles as a phone your Tang Cup this tell you pimp style Tang cups with rhinestones around them remember when we were kids Tang was like the big thing yeah it came from the space program like it made it good yeah t was [ __ ] terrible was dog [ __ ] fake orange juice maybe they'll sell is like a great dinner that was one of the first commercial that was one of the first product placement things the Tang people totally Ian that wasn't good for people it's ridiculous and they sold that as like the astronaut drink nutrition you know generations of Americans drank that was homemade Gatorade we all water down shitty gate [ __ ] without the electrolytes yeah Tang I'm going to be an astronaut is tank still around is tank still around sure let's find out tank still yeah it's still around you know if people somewhere drinking it people today are so unimpressed if you know if Tang was like yeah it was astronaut program they're like [ __ ] where's your astronauts now right there like YouTube comments like where's your astronauts who's going to the Moon yeah the last famous astronaut was a stalker racing from Florida to Houston to stab a lover or something well I've been doing a bit wearing a diaper Shear a diap so she didn't have to stop I wish Bingo could learn that trick she drove the entire time and just [ __ ] herself she was an astronaut she was crazy oh yeah [ __ ] was crazy tanging the drink it seems like it's still around hm most of that [ __ ] if you look it up you can buy it if if if you
can't find it in the store you can find it online quisp cereal and old candy talking about Marathon bars there's an original tang tang is sold in both powdered and ready to drink for them oh new Tang is where they jumped the shark did they you could buy get original Tang now yeah you could actually buy like a sugarfree version of Tang containing aspartame wow H oh let's put more cancer in your diabetes Hey listen Doug sto there's 10% of the RDA of vitamin A calcium vitamin E and riboflavin 10% 10% so 10 glasses of Tang and you're covered that's almost half what Cocoa Puffs has it's uh um it's got 100% of your vitamin C oh that's actually pretty good 100% of your vitamin C is not that much though the people that think you should take Vitamin C think you should take like a good amount of it like take that [ __ ] all the time but Doug stub you just take cigarettes and you're fine I have I I this week I've been bad but I I had quit a a lot you quit a lot you held it back have you ever tried the electronic route yeah we've talked about this yeah red band said he was coughing up blood they're they're they're a lot better now like the newer ones are no they're terrible cuz I just I quit a month ago and I made it two weeks and I tried like four different brands and I was sucking on them constantly and I was off the sigs for a couple of weeks but my lungs were killing me at one point then it comes a point where you're like well [ __ ] give me a cigarette cuz you're just getting like blast and blast of nicotine like more nicotine than you would be get from just having a cigarette I did great when I was at home alone I had like 6 weeks off and it was full weeks I didn't smoke and then sometimes someone would show up at my house that smokes and I'd steal a cigarette so I'd smoke a couple and then 6 weeks of 95% quit smoking went on the road and I'm like all right now I'm just going to bum him from the [ __ ] opening ax yeah whoever I find outside smoking I send Bingo out to go get me a couple cigarettes before the show and this week it's just after the [ __ ] first night of party and we were talking about I I'm buying packs [ __ ] it well once you say [ __ ] it and that's the problem with being a comic is you're inclined to say [ __ ] it more often than
not because it seems like the comic choice you know and you're in that situation you're like come on what's the [ __ ] I think I think there's a point that I I made it I Quit a month ago and I made it two weeks and I wasn't working and it was once I went back and I did shows in Atlanta and I was buming them off the staff and then I was in Minneapolis the next weekend after that and like snuck a pack and then just said [ __ ] it I mean I think like when you're cuz I cuz I had cuz I was doing shows and that's my rhythm and having a Sig and getting ready you have a Sig on stage while you do shows no I influence the kids but like before after that was a thing where at The Comedy Store it was a big deal because guys would smoke on stage and the audience members couldn't smoke CU there was a provision of law yeah as a part of the performance you're allowed to smoke but uh I think they dropped that I don't think they allow do a lot of places I remember cuz I would I I did that the uh immediately I was doing that when they passed it in California once I found out about that law uhuh I was doing it in Minneapolis and then a bar started doing that as a night where smokers could be on stage and that so the place is just all Smoky but you had to be everyone's part of the performance they pushed it so far into their face that they changed the law and I think most places have changed the law yeah that sucks they [ __ ] it up remember when we started the clubs were everyone smoked and the in the 80s and room hon I didn't mind back then I loved it the smoke with dance in the spotlight you're on stage it was sexy it was like film war movie there is something about it man and Pooh Halls as well I don't like it I don't like cigarettes I think they're disgusting and it it scares me when I see my friend smoke cuz I know you're going to die ugly I know you're going to die ugly and I love you I I tell this guy all the time I love him but he smokes and when I see him smoke I get scared I get scared that you're you're locked up in a a wrestling match with a dragon it's a a dark demon that's going to slowly rot you out from the insides and it tricks you into doing it it sucks you into its web with habit and kn Noy and the idea that it it's beautiful the [ __ ] smoke and suck I know that's one thing then the
other thing is it becomes a part of your body it becomes a part of you you you need it it becomes your system your your body gets integrated into accepting this I I feel like I got my equipment when I have just I don't know something about having a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on me you know I well L I'm not judging you know I have friends that smoke feel like you're all set you're all set you're secure you know I got what I need retirement [ __ ] that I got I got a carton and I'm a hypocrite cuz I like smoking weed and I don't think smoking weed is bad for you uh it's certainly not bad for you in the same way not not once the cigarette companies get a hold of it either way I don't think it's the best thing for you this is it the best thing in the world for you to smoke a plant you know it's like I thought you went straight to vaporizer and Edibles I do those too yeah I like Edibles the most I I I I just watched you smoke so shut the [ __ ] up no no I do that too I mean it's what oh yeah but I'm I'm hypocritical in that sense because like smoking is not good it's not good to smoke something you know anything we like Diaz um like stopped smoking he only eats it and uses a vaporizer because he said he his lungs started feeling way better once he did that but I believe it and the Ed the Edibles as someone who doesn't live in California the Edibles here are ridiculous you got every candy Jolly Rancher candy weed uh you know York Peppermint Patties anything you can think of they've duplicated exactly like uh candy or well there's a bit of an issue there is a little bit of an issue with it it's beautiful that it exists and I'm a complete libertarian in the idea that you should be able to you almost lit your filter yeah but this place is this the weed culture in California is so more evolved than Amsterdam yeah well it's they're so powerful that it's really like an intense psychedelic if you eat one of these pot brownies or these chuichu chibba they have these chibu that are like seven how many what's the milligrams uh take 1/4 if you don't want to die yeah I mean they're insane if you take the whole it's one candy and if you take that one candy you will re-experience your entire life from from the moment
you you you were an egg and the [ __ ] washed over you and turned you into two eggs and your C started dividing that's the right I'm looking take one of these candies could you take say one of these candies say you already have a pre-existing condition a mental illness say say you're at a rock Star's house trying to get a podcast and you're doing incredible amounts of blow and you go home with a little bit of that blow and then you do the rest of that blow while your boyfriend's sleeping preparing for the bill bur podcast and you also eat an edible while you have a pre-existing condition could you spiral into such a catatonic state that the landlord from the Airbnb that you're staying in comes in to talk to you and you won't respond to them so your boyfriend and your tour manager have to put you in bed where you piss the bed in your first a Airbnb and then takes you 24 hours to come out of said cantic State I if I had a guess I could say that could happen hypothetically did Marilyn Manson give you a gift bag when you left in cocain and Edibles in it it wasn't me totally wasn't me skin moisturizer wasn't me you got to be careful with that [ __ ] I I had to check her text messages and it said well hey we're uh we'll be there on time I just ate stand up sleeping and I just ate a pot candy and then I see an empty baggie and I'm like you did all that and now they can get you they can get you and take you on a ride that you're just not you're not going to be capable of going out just doing things going to the airport getting your clothes on you're not going to be capable no and that's just you could buy it at any store go buy one of these cupcakes buy one of these rocket cookies take this cookie and go right to the center of the [ __ ] Universe I mean intense psychedelics we've talked about it before but the the the chemical process is when you eat wait is this uh is this ground already worked over on The Joe Rogan Experience pot cookies yeah we've talked about it a few times I know it sounds crazy it seems so novel I was at the clubs people at home are going back to go back to ting tang what about Tang again if you eat that [ __ ] it's it'll it'll hurt you it'll hurt you you got to be real careful I've seen comedians alliv LA with those little pen
that's different that's not eating it when you're eating it I know but it's just all the varieties see I always assumed those were ecigarettes that everyone has there's a lot of those are little weed vaporizers and they hit like a [ __ ] they do hit like a [ __ ] but there's both that's why they they that's the product I want to endorse that should be their slogan hits like a [ __ ] I don't think that's a good move if i r hits like a [ __ ] I'd be like who is the guy that's making this that's all he could come up with on in podcasting you could probably get copy like that where you have to read that K me in the balls like a [ __ ] you should buy this this will take you on a ride to the center of the universe my man and the my man would be highlighted you know feel free to use your own colloquialism it it's it's it's funny when you were about to start Red Band said okay uh we're live and you go oh [ __ ] we're live oh don't say anything you were a joke oh don't say anything we're live it's opposite yesterday I fell in love with a man [ __ ] Bert ker he's a great man I [ __ ] I like I clicked with him so quickly I'll get the first time you met him no I've met him before but we never really hung out oh he's the best he's a sweetie and I knew that yeah [ __ ] Wicked Man Crush right away his house is just like my house down to the I walked in I knew exactly where his Boo at was I'm like I'm just going to make a drink anyway [ __ ] fell in love with the guy butwe we had to we had to pause and go to break where we'd talk about like [ __ ] that and then we'd come back on the air and stuff you can't talk like trash talking other Comics come back on the air well he's on the Travel Channel too and the travel channel is owned by some religious folks oh yeah not like that but but that is a problem but he's got to be real careful about what he does trying a drink I mean he doesn't smoke weed but if he did he wouldn't do it on you stream you know what I'm saying who owns the travel channel is some somebody that loves the baby Jesus allegedly I might be just talking [ __ ] I don't know I just what I've read from Anthony Bourdain okay certain conversations I might have had with him and oh did you have Bourdain on the show yeah yeah yeah he's
a good dude guy his you know his wife is a a Jiu-Jitsu fanatic that's my in that's how I got to meet Bane you know and he followed me or retweeted me or something and it was like I was so Star Struck oh following me he's a sweetie if you met the guy you would love him he's a sweetie his show is since he's gone to CNN I guess they had you know uh Visa access to like his shows just gone to a whole different level now it's like in mirmar yeah we're going to Brian by the way um I got plans and one of the plans is uh flying to New York to do podcast with people that we can't get to fly out here so like I can't keep asking people to just come out here so guys like bouran I'm going to find out when he's going to be there and I'll just well if they're driving have him come Bisby I'm going to try to use the serious should do a highl on B cuz we were on serious we're on serus I don't know if you know that oh yeah I listen to it all the time it's the weirdest but um so I I'll I wanted to get like bouran and a few other guys that live there CK yeah yeah well Lou is just so [ __ ] busy I feel bad asking him yeah but he's on op and Anthony all the time yeah but that's like you know when he can in the morning I'll ask him but um I know he's crazy he's the most ridiculously busy person I've ever met yeah he's got a there's a great bit that I saw that someone made a clip of him talking about it was it's really funny it starts him talking about nut allergies and he Compares like things that you know to be true but there's always this too but maybe like it's like but I know but maybe it's [ __ ] really funny man it's really funny I didn't see one of CK's bits his new bits off of his new special God damn it was good it was really funny new special not yeah the new one where was he was in Phoenix in the theater in the round it's really really good stuff man it's like you you you you listen to it you read it and you watch it rather and you like [ __ ] I want to go write something like this like made me want to go write it was really good yeah you know that's the best thing about like I used to always think that about like when Chappelle would come to the store like I'd always want to run home and right you know like anything that gives you that that little juice like you want to create too cuz you know
how good it made you feel why like I the last time I saw Chappelle at the store he just it was like the height of his popularity before uh he uh he quit the Comedy Central show and he was just he would just show up like maybe like the day before they would schedule this and it would just be mob and he was in the main room and uh he it was so funny and so like I hadn't seen him in like six months and it was all new [ __ ] it was like 100% new it's like a new hour and you you left there you go just going godamn I need to go to work I want to go right he he had that gift I'll say in a very [ __ ] stupid way but he's one of those guys he talks funny anyway so he already has a leg up you said it best that Diaz could read the phone book right right so he has that already but he can write too so if it's new [ __ ] what what would you know be filler to him would be a closer to me yeah Diaz has I mean I don't I don't want to give up any of his M material but he's got this bit about this chick named Lucy snorebush he's told the story about on the podcast but now he's turned into a bid in his act a true story about him sneaking into her house climbing into her window and eating her [ __ ] in the middle of the night and then escaping I I don't think I've ever laughed as hard in my life we just did Santa Barbara together and we we I was watching him on stage and he's doing this Lucy snorebush thing and I'm having a hard time catching my breath like I was legitimately having a hard time catching my breath I saw I saw I saw Diaz in San Francisco and he was doing that bit where he's like he like punches a hooker and the audience is dying in San Francisco they're like usually really touchy about like who they going to believe who could get a l h black guy the dude with the wig in a black eyy there's no support groups for these people he's one of the the best ever like as far as like I can hear him saying Leisa snorebush I'm just laughing Lucy snorebush Lucy snor her name Lucy snorebush yeah it was so it was it was painfully funny painfully funny he's my all-time favorite out of all the people I've ever seen that have made me laugh the hardest not a not a single person's ever made me laugh harder than Diaz me and ker me and Cher were picking our our uh ultimate f fourman tour with a wild
card [ __ ] up Diaz and yeah he he picked he picked Diaz as his [ __ ] up I have to see him I I Diaz is so good that I started taking two guys on the road with me during the dark days when Diaz would just go vanish in the middle of the night but I I he was so good that I said okay I need a backup opener so I would bring two openers CU there was too many times where Diaz just vanished he just would disappear just couldn't call him I I got booked like that for Otto and George where they wanted to book Otto and George but they needed to co-headline him so if he didn't show up there was another x-rated act that could fit the [ __ ] Marquee you got to do that man fortunately with some guys but they're worth it Diaz is and now he's super reliable now he's just every gig he's he's there I'm too old to disappear well he's just into comedy now and I think it's just the for the first time in his life he's being recognized for what he does and he's he's enjoying creating new [ __ ] he's enjoying being a comic like when I talk to him about he's got a lot of other success like he's always getting called into movies and [ __ ] and you know he did that uh sat I sat through the Grudge Match just cuz knew he was in it he's having a lot of those that happening to him but the big thing is his standup man his standup he's selling out everywhere he deserves it and yeah he [ __ ] yeah what a difference when the audience already loves you when you get there you know instead of having compl different animal dude he went on stage in Santa Barbara when we work together and I I've taken some of his openings where I introduce him and then I film it like watching him go on stage I put him on YouTube because they're so ridiculous he goes on stage and people standing up like bowing to him screaming like 2,000 people screaming and bowing to Joey Diaz that's so good and for a guy like that to finally get that you know dude I I it's always great to see a guy that age yeah yeah he deserves it Church he's he's an animal dude he's an animal he's an animal if I could if I could hire a 24-hour nurse to keep him alive I would just don't think you would get the [ __ ] out of there I'm listen I'm Cuban I'm never going to die get out of here [ __ ] he kick him out of his house you got to like find out a guy like that
you got to take care of in a gentle fashion you got to figure out how to keep him alive but like sneaky trick them yeah I'm going to I'm going to put that pill in a piece of cheese find some [ __ ] new drugs and put it in his ice cream take it and put it in something some new thing regenerative tissue thing at the government events just throw it in his food hey uh Brian told me the other night you're getting your blood reinjected was that [ __ ] no no [ __ ] no it was true well it's not your blood reinjected it's it's called Regino [ __ ] was invented by this German guy it's it's your blood they spin in a centrifuge and they heat it up so you take your blood out and then you whip it in this we're do an ad copy again no reg.com there's a a guy named Dr Peter Weller I believe his name is he developed this process for um dealing with inflammation that's the other guy you know you might be right I might have the wrong guy hold on a second that's a good I'll do the I'll do the ad while you look it up.com hey are you tired of looking at those half naked in a Sky Mall catalog oh make your face young too oh Douglas anybody that's in pain it can be a tremendous help it's the most potent anti-inflammatory drug that human being figured out well I did it a few times it's amazing well all these professional athet ke rich I have an anti-inflammatory drug it's called alcoholism and it works on my penis I don't think it works it hasn't been inflamed in years I'm Peter well in you're right it's not it's Welling it's not a Robocop I said Weller no no what did you say the right you're right sweetie I love you you're right always I'm blush I refer to you more than I refer to myself how about that but he was a guy in uh Germany who figured the [ __ ] out they take your blood and they they heat it and your blood has a reaction while it's still viable it has a reaction to the heat as if it's got a fever and it creates this intense anti-inflammatory response so it's in the very blood itself they take it out of your body they heat it they spin it and then it creates this yellow [ __ ] and this yellow [ __ ] they pull it out and they they call it something regenicin
serum I don't know the technical and then they squirted into anywhere you have arthritis anywhere you have uh any kind of swelling inflammation and it has like a magical response that's why all these athletes like um that's got painton Manning back back in a football he had two neck surgeries and he was [ __ ] and he went to Germany and he got this procedure done on his neck and it just fixed it Sean I I was talking to Sean Ralph I don't know if you know how serious arthritis yeah and he wants to talk to you about it because he if you look at his hands he needs to like break all his hands like go to his operations and you know no he's got some serious arthritis Jesus Christ he's got the most crippling arthritis uh which uh I should say because of Shawn Ral I saw a young comedian get knocked the [ __ ] out the other night at The Comedy Store somebody got knocked out by an I sitting there with uh Shan the Jason Rouse Canadian guy who lived in London and JJ Whitehead uh Canadian guys at the other end and then Shawn and he was plastered man and who Sean Rouse and he's yeah he's sitting there this story just lost all credibility I'm talking to there's a guy from Boston Mike faerman or whatever uh This Tall young Open Mic comedian we found out he was an open mic or later comes up I thought he knew Jason and JJ because of the way he's making fun of and one guy Jason's got a lot of tats he's he's making stupid tattoo jokes right and I'm kind of talking to Mike from Boston was Chay there no no no no no no no no uh he CH wasn't there he had left uh earlier uh we heard that Rouse was really [ __ ] up was plastered so anyway this [ __ ] Tom Road's bronze medalist in story editing this comedian guy turns the Sha very grandly to the table and he goes I'm sorry to bother you gentlemen I just couldn't pass up the chance to meet Mobi and he like sticks his hand out to Shawn who's all f [ __ ] up and can barely lift his head this kid was a [ __ ] douche and Mike from Boston's got like the kind of Taxi Driver new stand guy hat on and then the kid grandly turns there's a table of Veteran comedians sitting here grandly turns to Mike and he goes I'll be seeing you in the morning when I come to pick up my newspaper fman you said that a fa you said that a faberman oh faberman doesn't
play I turned and this kid was being such and I was I was joking around when I said it I turn to Mike I go I'll give you $20 if you punch this kid in the face and with his comedic timing was brilliant he didn't miss just boom and this kid went back and it was all hell broke loose you know you know what his name I don't know what the kid name but but faberman is a legit Savage he's the wrong guy to [ __ ] with well I mean who this guy and then all this you know and he's on in the No No out on the patio bar like the wildest there man story about [ __ ] this maid is pull up a picture of faan listen do you don't have to I just don't know if I Jesus Christ you don't know Mike faberman no really I don't know he's a good dude I just met him recently he's a great dude he had this uh story about he was beaten off in his hotel room and the maid opened up the door and the maid freaked out he goes no no no no come on shut the door shut the door shut the door he's like the only guy ever to get caught beating off and [ __ ] a maid like ever like he really did it he said I go what did she look like he pay her no no I go I go what what' she look like she goes it wasn't no prize it wasn't no he looks like Mike's a good dude Mike he's a good dude he's a very good cook oh wait he plays he plays Punchy and Ray dunan no he doesn't that picture I know the picture it's the Hat man but it it was like it was it was like a movie scene this kid and he was just you know faberman will punch you in your [ __ ] face he's crazy he's always been crazy he's a good dude though he's a good dud the wife beater right there there he is with homeboy from the radio what's his name uh which one oh yeah uh uh Fraser Smith Fraser Smith and Don bars he's a Boston guy Frasier Smith used to have a a radio show here in no no fman yeah he's from Boston originally yeah faberman I just going to say he looked like the funniest guy at the barbecue and youve switched to a picture of barbecue I hung out with Faber Joey Diaz and Ralphie May the day 9/11 happened the day they shut down all the flights the day the [ __ ] hit the fan we all got high we went to Baja Fresh we ate some burritos and we stared at the sky it's like dude there's no planes
there's no [ __ ] planes and then we went over uh to to ralphy's place and Ralphie and faberman uh lived like in the same area and F he a gardener then fman no Ralphie uh by my old place it was Garder by coaching horses yeah yeah yeah yeah actually you know what we went to I'm sorry we went to Faber's place and Ralphie came over to buy weed cuz faberman used to sell weed that was your September 11 cuz you used to live in that same building the fattest guy in the world cuz this is Armageddon and we're going to need to eat someone faberman had some good weed no he had some good weed and we were like well the world is ending let's go get [ __ ] up so we went and got high it was me and Diaz and faberman and Ralphie May and it was 2001 it was uh the day when we were we were just sitting around smoking weed talking about how crazy is like this might be we might be in the middle of a war we were thinking at that moment in time that this is just the beginning the planes flew into buildings but what if [ __ ] starts happening left and right like what if we start seeing missiles headed to La what if we see LA hit with a nuke like [ __ ] that's just as likely as two planes flying into buildings in the same day so we were freaking out and we were all getting high together so have a special I was in Amsterdam at the zoo 3:00 at the zoo and dam is feeding time that's 3:00 p.m. is 9:00 a.m. in New York City and I had been there before for it and I knew I wanted to be in front of the lion cages when uh at 3:00 when they're throwing the meat out and like it's cool the Lions start they can smell the the meat in the back and they're start they start pacing and growling and and uh there's these metal doors and they're scratching on it and [ __ ] it's pretty cool and then they open the metal doors and they grabed the meat so when the when the when the planes hit I was watching Lions rip raw meat apart with oh see I assumed all the animals would have run for the hills knowing 911 was about to happen how come they how come they don't do that the Netherlands is so open-minded why don't they feed those animals animals why do they have to feed a they want to eat animals more important why is Baja Fresh open on 911 Jesus chesh tro our troops need to fuel up
they were a part of some healthy carbs that's what it is our troops need to fuel up we need beans need beans and jalapenos by fresh supports the troops Mike fman was the guy that actually put together that boxing match with all the comics fighting Comics never heard how did I not hear about one of the guys had cble paly and I was like that's not good I'm really sh if he's if it's Josh Blue against Crazy Legs fona either one of those guys should be hitting each other and then maybe falling on each other and headbutting each other on the way down is in a chair how far can he fall they're both going to get [ __ ] up [ __ ] how did I not hear about a comedy boxing match and when did this happen oh it's film too he filmed it he's like make trying to make it a show it's really good comedy boxing I know too much about brain damage but how did this H when did this happen it was I it was a fa's idea yeah faberman and uh Rusty who fought who Rusty douly yeah Rusty dly best six-pack in all of Comedy kids shredded no doubt I have two three packs I got a Vernal hernia ventral ventral hernia you yeah my my six-pack split you should get that [ __ ] fixed yeah I I Bravo had one of those Eddie he had one yeah did two of them one on each side he got it fixed had a problem I guess yeah ventril just means front I found out through my doctor Google it's pretty intense they uh they put like a like a webon yeah mesh in in your skin and they sew it in and they sew the the area that's wounded and it becomes more strong I got that my umbilical hernia then I coughed myself into a groinal hernia that I haven't had fixed and now I have a ventral hernia I showed it to crer on his podcast he took pictures so that'll be up next week Jesus Christ like alien bursting out of your chest what is it like what's it from your sixpack splits and your guts start to if only in a position I was trying to stretch my back like I was doing sit-ups off got to hurt when you try to stretch your back no no that's how I noticed it it doesn't hurt or anything you don't feel anything no no I was trying to lean off the back of a bed like my most of my body and I lean down and then my [ __ ] this hump comes out of my chest like alien and bingo looked down at it and it audibly screamed and I'm like oh [ __ ]
that can't be good dude dude dude seriously imagine if you were really possessed what would you do if like demons I would sit up off the bed then I'd be fine if you you sat back and you like what the [ __ ] and it's like a little Jacko lanterns underneath your skin moving around your stomach what would you do Doug Stan would you go to Jesus I'd do exactly what I'm doing with this hernia and the other her is ignore it no you can't ignore a [ __ ] Jackal lanter demon living in your gut if you saw it poking through your skin moving around and laughing at you you'd have to address it no I would drink and then ask Tom when you drink it's easy to ignore obvious problem that's been my life medical plan like my family you know you don't go to the doctor unless you got a bullet wound right and uh I just got insurance family invented the phrase it's just a flesh wound uh I just got health insurance uh under the deadline uh and I actually uh I I I stopped drinking January 1st I blacked out in Philadelphia oh good story busted my head open I got six stitches see the nice scar wow yeah uh and I didn't you know it's too bad was it was did they figure out what caused it I got drunk and fell down so just being hamur hang on I've heard the story so I'm going to use this opportunity to piss so you so you blacked out just because you were drunk and then you fell down has it ever happened before uh I mean i' I've I've for a for a second over the years it's happened a couple times but I mean getting drunk and falling down is one thing but if you did you black out or I kind of blacked out I I I was not working I was I did helium in Philadelphia for New Year's Eve great room had three uh soldout shows fantastic [ __ ] night uh it wasn't New Year's Eve night I had uh cuz New Year's Eve was on a Wednesday they had me do the stay for the Friday Saturday I'm off January 1st and I went out by myself I actually stayed in and worked all day and then I went out about 8 9:00 and I I watched the Fiesta Bowl and I had 10 Sierra Nevadas my brother was at the game and uh I texted my brother I was texting my brother great game love you bro and just uh fell forward off a stool and hit this hit the tile ground and this guy grabs my arm and he's Lifting
me up and he goes we gotta call an ambulance and I go [ __ ] that I don't have health insurance my I woke up once my head at the ground by the way but this guy goes we got to call an ambulance I go [ __ ] that I don't have health insurance don't you dare call an ambulance I go how far is the hospital he said two blocks I go two blocks and you were going to call an ambulance that's like 15 grand oh my God you know and I so I walked to the hospital but you know I didn't have health insurance and you know had the Obama deadline been January 1st that have been covered what what does anybody understand this do you know anything about it no I got uh at some points I I met a insurance person and I have like catastrophic insurance so if I get like really [ __ ] up in a car wreck they'll cover that I don't again I don't go to doctors it's just not something right I don't either it's probably a good move so I don't have any idea how health insurance works yeah no if I if I need to get out of a social situation really badly I'll go to a doctor cuz I know they're going to go oh this you have to be admitted right away and I go sorry honey I can't go to bed and breakfast with your parents like I promised when I was drunk that's a [ __ ] great strategy as long as you can keep the wheels on it it's a great strategy because there's a lot of cars that keep rolling down the hill and they make a lot of squeaky noises and but they still get there somehow how many surgeries have you had many how many and you're in perfect you're a what kind ofur that you can get your blood the point is he's in perfect physical condition doesn't smoke cigarettes he said I've had one surgery that I got for free on a trade out by asking for it on my website Hey listen I'm not uh I'm not denying that you make a lot of good points well I would never uh tell anybody to take the path that I've taken like physically it's not a good move yes you would I wouldn't unless you really wanted to but if you you tear your knee doing something don't keep doing it you get six months of rehab I just couldn't wait for the six months sad when I see a friend that's into uh MMA cuz I know he's going to die an ugly death he you know all [ __ ] aside I'm S I am sad when I see a guy who doesn't
know that he shouldn't be doing it there's a lot of guys that like wind up not Jiu-Jitsu Jiu-Jitsu is for anybody anybody can do Jiu-Jitsu but competitive MMA there's some guys that just shouldn't be doing it good because at the end of this podcast Tom and I are going to Jiu-Jitsu each other in a death match it's goingon to be the biggest girl kicking match in the world slap fight getting hit getting hit is a completely different story though you know I've had a I've had two knee surgeries I've had a nose surgery those are like the two big ones nose surgery yeah I've actually had three knee surgeries now that I think about it cuz I had two on one knee I had an ACL reconstructed then I had miniscus scoped and the other one I had the ACL reconstructed then I had my nose opened up because I had a lot of when you forget surgeries I remember my cousin did a pilot my cousin did a pilot in 1984 with Christopher Lloyd and he's a guy from Mass future yeah Massachusetts you just you your snapshot was in the paper in the back row of a thing everyone talks about it so it was a big deal and I moved to LA I saw Christopher Lloyd at the bar at the Improv and I went up I go hey I don't know if you remember I I don't want to approach you but Grant forsberg is my cousin and you did a television pilot with him in the ' 80s and he goes I don't know I did a lot of TV shows like how do you get that [ __ ] yeah well [ __ ] that you forget a TV show but when you forget surgeries well you think about how many TV shows that guy's had I've only had four surgeries four pretty major ones but you forgot one actually now that I think about it it's three knee surgeries well it's you you start treating your body like a car you know you blow out a tire you go all right I got to get another tire can they fix it as long as they can fix it but [ __ ] that gets weird is like spinal [ __ ] and that's why I've been getting this regenicin [ __ ] the regenicin stuff is because of youling disc mixed martial arts well not Jiu-Jitsu I haven't stopped jiujitsu you've gotten into a Regina cane from some Nazi doctor mangala Jr has got you on the yellow stuff I had to take a break for year uh from Jiu-Jitsu because of this injury so I'm trying to get back in
shape to do it again it's just too much fun you know it's like that's why I sympathize with you guys smoking cigarettes I understand what you're doing it's just my my uh what I do the risks I take a different kind of physical see you're gonna see sha Rose shaking in an alley scratching his arm I need some more of the yellow [ __ ] man heat my blood I need more of the yellow [ __ ] it's not cheap that's the other problem think R making money do you think ObamaCare suck your dick man Sean you're not that young anymore I [Laughter] saw yeah I don't think it is I don't think it's covered by any insurance it's what's called off label I saw you can only buy it in Bitcoin is that kind Dogecoin you can use Dogecoin too they accept now accepting Dogecoin I made uh from the uh that thing with that dude is over 2,000 bucks that's amazing 2100 bucks going to him yeah we uh we had people donate Bitcoin and I would treat the Bitcoin like it was real money and then I would take whatever anybody donated in Bitcoin and uh send it to my friend who's living in the Congo and uh he's helping pygmies in the was like building the wells and [ __ ] so he's going to send uh you know it's going to be real actually [ __ ] it I'll double it whatever it is I'll whatever they have all right whatever other people put in I'll I'll put in the exact same amount so I think it's like 2100 bucks it's pretty cool because the guy living in the Congo you know I like he he used to be a mixed martial arts fighter and he just uh went down there for like a vacation just to see what it was like you know so and he fell in love with these people like this idea that these people in the Congo these pygmies are these like really suppressed people that are forced to work in mines and they don't have any no no one's taking care of them there's no medicine there's no water they don't have clean water so he's building them Wells and [ __ ] and it's really amazing it's amazing [ __ ] Joe do you want to put a disclaimer though like a a maximum amount cuz you don't want to be like I don't want to go more than like 50 Grand you can go [ __ ] yourself if it gets crazy I like the pygmies but come on yeah because I mean it's Bitcoin some guys just like oh yeah here's know what
it's really it's that's what's weird about is like it varies like one day it'll be worth 2900 bucks or uh, 1900 bucks the other day it'll be worth 21100 bucks is it totally varies from day to day yeah it's it's strange it's like um it's like it makes a lot of sense if you don't know what it is do you know what it is at all you ever follow it the Bitcoin thing yeah it's really hard to follow no I can't I I can't do basic math well it's not even that we had this guy Andreas Antonopoulos uh explain it to us in very clear terms we still we're like oh we're Jing for you he he explained it but essentially it's it's got a a very uh set number of Bitcoins that exist and so inflation is sort of removed from the the the gold standard sort of similar but it's I don't understand I don't understand either but it's all done on computers it's all like ones and zeros you know I don't know if it's a good idea I don't know if it's a bad idea but it seems to be a at least a a person could it's like we all agree like you you live in a small town so I think in a small town you get a better sense of community you we kind of all agree that you know like if you go to a place and they're selling sandwiches like how much sandwiches five bucks that's that sounds right that sounds right makes sense if but if we didn't have money and we had to use some sort of a barter system we'd still figure out what's worth what you know that that's what we would do how many sandwiches are available yeah and but we're we're trapped in this idea that money is the only way to do it dollars quarters fives 20 this is the only way to do it but it's not the only way to do it if enough [ __ ] people agree to go this Bitcoin route it's already established like this is a real possibility and everybody's poo pooing it like it's a joke and it is kind of a joke in some ways cuz me mag yeah you're right a magic the Gathering was the [ __ ] the big server that went down like wait a minute wait a minute you had a magic the Gathering exchange and it became one of the biggest Bitcoin sites in the world like what the [ __ ] like magic and didn't have the right security the whole thing is set up wrong winds up losing 350 million plus dollars in Bitcoins like the the direct equivalent of like the guy the guy gets robbed and
everybody has their money in this exchange just gets [ __ ] robbed but it's still going it's still going see how it can just shut us down we want to throw in some [ __ ] smart ass bars but he just gets all smart on us and we have to sit in I want you to get goofy but but this is a fascinating thing in our time we're seeing an alternative to Dollars the first viable alternative everyone goes to what internet currency and then someone could easily Rob your or Banks or everything that's what they're doing with regular money though or you could just lose your iPhone what yeah but I have an alternative to money hey I'll put you on the guest list you write the number down all you have to do is write the number down it's not that hard um oh great another currency I'm broken but it's not that there you go hey good smart ass Barb sir you guys teaming up on my strategy to introduce new ideas you and your ability to retain knowledge rub it in our face it's not I retain knowledge I retain information yeah so the the knowledge of it the reason why I keep talking about it over and over again is the knowledge is not sinking in so I don't really get it so I I talk about it over and over again see your reaction to it and you're like w that's [ __ ] crazy and then slowly but surely it becomes knowledge people talk to me in analogies that then I can get it and and I try to do that with when I'm trying to do a bit that other people might I'll I'll go it's like this okay if you can make it stupid for me like a kid okay honey imagine if you had two apples yeah Jimmy stole one of your apples oh I get I do that all the time I think that's a great way of communicating [ __ ] up ideas but even then but it's important to do both it's important to say it you know use the big words and then go go I mean it's like this like this so okay you get now you understand the big word I just learned with the stupidity I needed to learn it especially if you're on stage and you're telling a joke because if you do that you can actually make someone laugh at something that they ordinarily would argue with you about right you could just sneak it in yeah yeah okay we're both on the same page I love you don't we have some ad copy to read I'm just here to do the advertisements we're
done the ad copy's over forever come on one more ad did you see that uh footage of a drone going how dare you make me uncomfortable in Japan a drone yeah the Drone went into the radiation in Japan and just flying around like the the deserted cities and it's so creepy cuz all these houses it glowing no but just it hasn't been touched since it happened it's really yeah great great would you trying to scare the [ __ ] out of me the only thing that scares the [ __ ] out of me more than radiation is sharks oh look at that you know they're like the radiation is going to kill you in ocean well the Sharks will kill you first how about that do you not swim BR that up [ __ ] that dude I go in the water up to my waist in Hawaii and I panic every time because last time I was there a woman got killed by a shark that's real like that's like if I was there and a woman got murdered by the werewolf would you go in the woods you'd be like I'm not going in the [ __ ] woods but they're like hey Costa Rica I'll go in the water but no we're going to Hawaii to tomorrow the next day I won't go in the water [ __ ] that those [ __ ] tiger sharks man they're too scary tiger sharks and bull sharks those are the scariest ones do you know that [ __ ] the whole movie Jaws was based on something that happened in freshw oh the the New Jersey thing yeah yeah yeah there that's freshwat it was a river oh wait no that's not the New Jersey thing there was a rash of New Jersey shark attacks in the early 1900s yeah that's it it was in a river not fresh water yeah it was all right that's what's [ __ ] there's a thing called a bull shark that swims into fresh water they swim so far in fresh water that they saw them in Illinois they have them up the Mississippi River in [ __ ] Illinois a shark from the more uh that's more reason we need stronger immigration policy that's why you can't take my guns from me duck stain hope I literally saw a s build a wall build a fence that's what I say I literally saw a song the other day there was talking about prying a gun from my cold dead hands it was that was the song it's like you can come get my gun for my cold dead hands like this guy thought about that wrote it down said [ __ ] it I'm putting this [ __ ] on wax but you heard it oh I heard the whole song I listened to the whole song
so someone's putting it out someone's on his side there's some uh what's the guy's name the stapler guy from office bace that played all right Ste if you can't get the [ __ ] reference right away drop the joke [Laughter] stanle yeah Steven root man of constant staro my there's a long way to get to this pointless reference he play he played the record guy that saw the guys in the thing with the thing the man of constant sorrow and George Clooney and the yeah see he put it on wax too it wasn't Lee GRE Greenwood was it yes let's just say yes Tom gets what I'm saying almost that guy Lee Greenwood nothing was happening in his career he had that one song I'm proud to be American [ __ ] nothing's going on in his career and then September 11th happens boom his career's on fire I always tell Henry Phillips to write a Christmas song they're so desperate to have another Christmas song that they will play any [ __ ] thing about Christmas they're so desperate to have a Christmas song they went with the Hanukkah song remember that yeah they went with Hanukkah song every year Grandma still get run over by a reindeer [ __ ] 30 years later they can't wait to have one more Henry Phillips get off your ass and get a [ __ ] Christmas song how about they don't even come up with new Christmas cartoons the same [ __ ] cartoons the grinched St Christmas it would be CGI now and the Grinch would be like crushing Villages he'd be evil looking he'd be very demonic wouldn't be so sweet and cud you saw what they did with Batman they could probably do that with the Grinch did you watch the latest Batman I've never watched the Batman where the tragedy occurred where those people get shot in Colorado for whatever reason the best Batman ever with uh Christian Bale and uh what's his name who died I've heard it's awesome that's the greatest Batman I I'm done with Batman that was the greatest Batman ever The Dark Knight that's it I didn't say it best Batman ever because of what happened in Colorado no no nothing it's too bad that happened no no no that's not what I'm saying I'm saying the reason I don't watch it is because of that call no the people one of the comics from The Comedy Works gu yeah yeah yeah serious business oh
the guy yeah that guy because that whatever for whatever reason that movie is connected in my head I can't just watch that movie If I watch that movie I'll kind of like Get weirded out these one weird you out I saw I saw it in the theater after that happened like a few weeks later and then you're in the theater thing and you're you're looking at the [ __ ] exit doors I'm not saying it's logical I'm just say oh I don't go to actual movies I saw it at home but I had to see it with Bingo and you know I could see why the man was traumatized yeah I'm not traumatized I just chose not to see it because I thought about seeing it a few times and I just kept getting that thing in my head that a bunch of people [ __ ] died while this movie was being made that's all it is I mean it doesn't make any sense I know it doesn't make any sense I'm not like uh arguing The Logical you know uh that that it makes sense that I have this weird thing I love that while you're saying this you're slamming ice into your glass I know this doesn't make sense but I just need a drink I need a little something to take the edge off I'm not there no Edge Doug's tan proba dare you I know it doesn't make any sense I'm not uh why would they ever make another superhero movie we've seen they made another Superman I loved uh Captain America they're fun they're stupid as [ __ ] you know he's going to be I read the Captain America comic book when I was a kid one of the few that I looked at and it was the lamest dude the superhero he had he couldn't fly he had to fly on the thing and then he had the shield he was like the biggest [ __ ] superhero ever and then in the late 70s there was a black character called the Falcon all right I'm out captain America would be getting his ass whooped and his black friend the Falcon would come and save him yeah well that's how it usually happens in real life you know you get yourg you call your friend but it was cute how they black and wear [ __ ] mask you're good but a black character couldn't get his own comic book he had to be like introduced he had like three pages in Captain am Marvel Marvel was a little bit more bold Marvel had blade blade was a superhero he was a black guy Nightcrawler I'm sure they came out wasn't really black well I guess he was
more like I always thought had Roger from what's Happening geeky but he was the smart one of his group I was the Roger of my Social Circle uh Captain America was still fun I know it was stupid I know the premise is stupid but it's still fun movie Just nonsense you're watching nonsense for a couple hours laughing you know having a good time watching spaceships getting shot up by missiles and whatever it's stupid but it's fun you know nobody got shot you can enjoy though plenty of people got shot a lot of people died in Captain America no in a movie theater oh in the premere oh did you forget where your heart was at the beginning of this conversation I forgot my true [Laughter] loyalty I uh it's I know it doesn't make sense that I don't watch the Batman movie and I've come close to watching it a few times but I always think think I don't want to [ __ ] say it best one ever just because of that that guy did Joker he was amazing I'm sure I'm sure I mean that Heath Ledger character was [ __ ] incredible he was amazing at the other backit yeah no I'm getting confused that's the one Heath Ledger was heer wasn't around one he was yeah yeah that was the no that was justan ban Christian Bale was the was the no Bane was the guy Heath ledgers years ago Tom rad you became my grandpa look at you you're like my grandpa who doesn't know what the [ __ ] he's talking about but tells about it that's the [ __ ] John Wayne it was a John Wayne movie Just I know every time I [ __ ] E Ledger on stage I know how dated it is ledger in the new Batman no right no I didn't say he was in the new Batman he was in the one at the premiere shooting no he wasn't the new one was the Bane one the Bane one was the one where the guy came out had a year ago or two years ago 2012 The Dark Knight Rises yeah so may I believe it was May I I like to think I remember my shootings John way was the number one problem with Captain America my audience comes to to me when there's a big shooting waiting for my response they to see if you got a joke like if Malaysian planes went down every six or eight weeks I would be the prime minister of the shooting that has to come out with the joke have an odd fan base is all I'm
saying I'm aware of that I agree it's very odd that's what you get you're putting out an odd Vibe you know you Liv in the middle of nowhere what Death Squad explain death squad to me no one ever uh figured it out it's funny I was in London in feary anymore it's to scary the the the theater thing some people showed up and they they said they were with the death squad like I was playing the Soho theater it's like really prestigious theater in London and I got to play this the the uh this this theater man and and the [ __ ] they're really proper theater people this is the origin of it and they were like death squad the op Anthony show was uh Eddie Bravo redband Tate me and uh I showed up in the Eddie uh and uh Eddie Bravo's you know black belt Jiu-Jitsu champion and Tate's this big gorilla and uh oh not Jeff Tate ComEd Jeff Tate after quickly after ker and I were did our picks for the you know ultimate tour we got down and sat down with his children and wife for dinner and he mentioned Jeff Tate I'm like [ __ ] Jeff Tate why didn't I pick Jeff Tate on my yeah he's a great comic out of Cincinnati anyway oh so you thought I was talking about not that guy no Fletcher he's a big giant guy and uh Opie from Opie and Anthony goes look Joe Rogan showed up with the death squad that's it and then it was a joke we were laughing ha haa and then somehow or another people kept using it and then you know many years later Brian started the uh these videos remember those videos yeah the original death squad podcast yeah we used to do these videos like at shows and uh then he started the Des Squad podcast Network the videos were all just us hanging around shows like he would do these little clips of stupid [ __ ] that was happening it was actually uh we did the Joe show and there was all this extra footage that was just [ __ ] stuff and so I just made like quick one minute videos every time I see a death squad t-shirt in my audience which is often I always hey death squad point point them out on stage I don't it's a weird name but I'm going to stop doing that buy my t-shirts buy your t-shirts anyway it's a weird name it's why I stopped using it but I just stopped using it because it just sounds too crazy to use but feel free to keep using it I know I I never
knew the Origins I just I assumed that was your network no it's Brian well Brian started his podcast and he used that name the name represented all of us no I just have this yeah what is a network you know what does that mean I have a network of guys that I'm friends things comedy officially I don't know what that means I don't know what it means you're getting somebody else in I know I love Bill Burr and uh yeah sure I'll do that all that means is that you are joining up with a bunch of other people so in that sense yes but it's completely unofficial so like my podcast is joined with Ari's podcast is joined with Joey Diaz's podcast is joined with Duncan's podcast is joined with all the Death Squad podcasts that redband produces is joined with d Berke Cher's podcast he joined with Tom seur and CHR but it's all completely because we're friends there's no agreement but we all support each other we all constantly but that's like all things comedies like that as well I'm with them there's no contracts no nothing yeah yeah and they just wanted to you know comedians to you know get do their own thing yeah but we're not like there's no like official connection we just all it does for me is make me a more disciplined in that okay now I I guess I told Bill Bird tacitly that I will do this on a weekly basis rather than go [ __ ] it no one cares yeah so yeah I'll I'll be better about putting it out like I feel like I have a obligation but you should hire a guy that just turned the mic on it's so [ __ ] fun it's so easy just hire a guy but I mean all the time whoever he is all the time you should have a guy that just turns the mic on it's so easy for you and it would be fun for you I do you should do them every [ __ ] day you should have a guy that turns the microphone on you every day just lets you go just just turn the microphone on and lets you go and then that have you ever tried to do a Bill Burr style have you ever done one by yourself I did a bunch of them in the beginning by myself that's amazing I'm scared to even try it even though I know I don't have to put it out I I'm I've done it in between two where a guy like you like maybe need to take a leak and you get up and I'll just keep going and even for 10 minutes but it becomes easy after a while you fall into a I'm sure it would be but
initially even when if I'm doing a set where I really all new [ __ ] too much new [ __ ] do about to do a a DVD whatever I will get Brian my manager and make him like I just have to say this out loud you have to stand there but I can't say it out loud to myself okay this Segways into this and then I'm going to do this you say it out loud in front of someone other than the audience if it's important no before a show like if I if I if a lot like when I work the UK and I have to abandon 2third of my set because it doesn't translate and I've been writing a bunch of new [ __ ] that I don't really know and I have to say it out loud before I go on stage okay this is the segue this gets me into this I'll make Brian listen to me say not the whole set but the bullet points and what the segue is cuz I couldn't say it to myself which I really am but I need someone standing there right to say it out loud and that's what a podcast by myself would feel like right no yeah I see where your point is but it's it's a more of a freestyle thing if you choose to just go over what's going on in the news every day there's always something in the News That's fascinating the the the beautiful thing about the time we're in if you wanted to do a solo podcast is all you have to do is go to your Twitter feed you know I have a a guy works for me Matt Stags he's my publicist for the podcast and every day he sends me um a a news an afternoon news and an evening news and a Morning News it's all just the most [ __ ] up [ __ ] that's going on in the world fascinating things and any day I've got 20 of them any day there's 20 subjects where you would just start right but I think what you're talking about like just the the when you look at someone when you speak just things I totally know what you're saying it's like what you the not looking at and if I'm if I'm talking too much one of you will roll your eyes at me and I'll shut up and let the other guy talk I don't yeah but you don't have to do that it's it's a totally different Dynamic if you're doing a solo podcast like nobody wants you to shut up it's more about just not thinking about what you're saying finding like a a like a a channel in the river of ideas and just riding it and then just like freeballing you get like this comfortable free ball thing
going on and as long as you're not too conscious or aware of what you're doing you you kind of catch this wave of creativity it's really fun you know I've only done it a few times but I've done it on stage a bunch of times and there's this thing that Brian does um with um Jeremiah Watson a thunder [ __ ] yeah that's the name though right yeah Jeremiah Watkins Watkins sorry I said Watson Jeremiah I I I used to do it after shows but the better way to do it is to do the whole show this way we just yell out like the audience yells out subjects you don't you don't have any preparation whatsoever the audience yells out subjects and in yelling out subjects you just out a no like maybe a subject you never even thought about you'll just start talking about that subject and try to create comedy and under the gun with a bunch of people watching a lot of times [ __ ] just comes up it's like that show is fun like that and they give you the ideas but it's different in that it's not not a bunch of comics to come up with these wacky things orangutang pineapples what orangutang pineapples no it's [ __ ] the audience it's the audience which comes up with the dumbest ideas that are the easiest to play off of sometimes whenever you see like whenever there'd be an in improv group sucking dick oh you know what who said sucking dick it's not always that was three nights ago I just heard sucking dick from the audience no remember always improv troops they go okay give us a word and it was always the first word was always someone in the audience dildo I was always like now I found the level of the crowd no what genre of film everybody always says porn who does who says silent movies they all say porn you got and if they do say silent movies you know every [ __ ] 45th show you abandon the porn reference and go silent movies okay we'll see if we can come up with [ __ ] you got that [ __ ] memorized here's a silent porn you know those guys that used to work the crowd that was a big thing like guys who work the crowd they would ask the crowd things people go how's this guy just coming up with this on the Fly and then you watch him three nights in a row like he's coming up with the same [ __ ] on the fly over and over again he's seeing people that are
touching themselves that aren't touching themselves like he's just he's it's not really oh when I said this this guy did this no he didn't no he didn't I have I'm watching from living you [ __ ] it's like the worst dirty trick of all time my first tour for uh David trible my first like road tour doing these Tribble gigs I worked with a uh Matt [ __ ] I can't remember his goddamn name now uh he was a Denver Comic but he did crowd rap and it was kind of he knew what was coming but he'd go uh what do you do the last gig in Price Utah He's like what do you do uh like the whole tour he getting I'm a a pipe fitter I'm a meat rapper and I'm like how are you getting this he was getting so [ __ ] lucky with the easiest so we play Price Utah which is a mining town what do you do I work in the mine and he what had whatever four or five people he said what do you do I work in the mine work in the mine and I'm like finally you got now you're on the [ __ ] spot you're going to have to come up with some [ __ ] cuz everyone he's like does anyone here not work in the mine and a girl raised her hand he said what do you do I work at the come and go like oh you [ __ ] get lucky every goddamn time you were all in and you caught that on the river Oh Come and Go whoever came up with that [ __ ] name I thought that was a joke the first time I ever saw that [ __ ] was in Colorado Springs I stopped my car cuz I didn't believe it was real I stopped my car and went wait that's the gas station it's called come and go with a k like some sort of a wacky [ __ ] wh house Comedy Night with a K on Tuesday at the [ __ ] The Clam House with a K the come and come and go is the number one [ __ ] bit on the menu at The Clam House it's when you they just suck your dick they don't no one says a word they push you in she just sucks your dick and you go that's the come and go at The Clam House with the K Tuesday night's Comedy Night with a K cocktail cocktail time do you remember those places that we' have Comedy Night with a K hang on I'm drinking cam chat kav vodka with a K is that good little plug what is it shitty vodka who's uh is that ours or yours did you bring that I brought that what is it I don't [ __ ] come not bearing gifts what is Cam chakavak you know what
I'd step all over my closer if I told you you know oh I get you you um you know they uh they did this thing where they took vodka and they put it through one of those brida water filters tried it heard the trick tried it we we did you know straight vodka taste tests it didn't work for sure four four or five times through a for same [ __ ] it's all the same [ __ ] years ago in San Francisco you remember the punchline they put you at the Commodore Hotel yeah with a red room downstairs I would always uh yes I was in the easy like Sunday morning Suite is that okay I had like a remember the the the staff used to party man I had a bunch I had like eight people back in my hotel room and everyone drank until the we hour we banging the whole staff no no no bring back I remember waking up and there was like I was completely hung over and I wanted to make some coffee and uh there was I I it was I thought it was a cup full of water and I put it in the coffee machine and then it was vodka and coffee and I thought hey this might be the new Reese's Peanut Butter Cup remember the commercial guy's walking with the chocolate and he bumps in to the guy with the so I like took a couple sips of it and it is definitely not the new re you know where they [ __ ] up with that commercial they [ __ ] up with that Reese's commercial because if you take some chocolate and you dip it into peanut butter it tastes way [ __ ] better than Reese's that's where they [ __ ] up cuz chocolate and peanut butter is really delicious but when you eat Reese's you go ah I shouldn't have [ __ ] ate that yeah Reese's is pretty blend and tast yeah Brian brought me some uh like all sugar dark chocolate bars one and we had them in the fridge and I don't eat chocolate but there was nothing to eat and I had bought some pineapple off the street fresh pineapple with a square of Frozen dark chocolate oh my God it was good dark chocolate is actually good for you it has a very high orac value I know why I feel so healthy right now yeah it's high in antioxidants really good for you I don't I don't like chocolate but I've had chocolate in Europe that was just orgasmic from the first bite you're like God damn go gelli uh Square yeah yeah those are delicious giradelli is like they used to have a real Chocolate Factory right there in
San Francisco and it was right down the street from the old cobs the 150 seat cobs did you ever work that cobs no I did all the time when I lived there I love that room one of the greatest alltime comedy clubs ever it's a [ __ ] tragedy when they moved out of that place to the big place Tom Sawyer [ __ ] great great Club I mean it was 150 seats and tight small small [ __ ] room he's a serious comedy fan that dude Tom Sawyer loves comedy man I was playing the Purple Onion like a 60 Cedar when you were playing cobs the new big room and we came down to see you they just uh the purple onions now like an Italian restaurant or they're it was it was always upstairs but I came down to see Rogan I'm playing a 60 seater he's playing a 18,000 seater at cobs Comedy Club whatever it's a big [ __ ] airplane hanger then we hung out with you afterwards it's like 2:30 in the morning it's they threw everyone out it's a staff party and someone had blow then I'm going I am I'm supposed to go a live remote for a car show like a good morning San Francisco TV live from a car show on Saturday morning I go I'm not going to [ __ ] make it I'm just I just did lines it's 2:30 so I got one of the local Comics uh Jason [ __ ] don't let me forget your name I go listen will you go to the show as me the man show is about to come out redband has footage of this oh that's right I remember this go down to the car show is me like I'm I'm delineating my small amount of authority to a local guy that I know he do it he's like 10 years younger than me 8 Ines taller than me but I still had him come by my room and get my overcoat and my [ __ ] you know knit Wool Cap that's funny as my outfit and I have footage I have my own footage red television it me television yeah he went down and the whole graphic on the Chiron on the bottom man show host Doug Stan hope and he's just doing this straight interview as me you got it that's beautiful we're in a we're in a hot car with a hot comedian Doug sand for sketchfest San Francisco standing by to give us some insights on it's an interface between the inter they did their [ __ ] homework oh yes this is a new thing I'm very fascinated with it's
myspace.com we're going to be talking all about it coming up on AB oh my God nothing like me that hurts my feelings it it it hurts me how dumb that guy is what is that I wasn't good at Photoshop back then news weekend we're at the Cow Palace where the custom rod and or is it rod and c I can never remember and motorcycle show is taking place through tomorrow another event that's taking place this weekend actually for the next week or week and a half is sketchfest in San Francisco he even dress like you lots and lots I gave him my clothes like Stan being one of those Comedians and by the way I will I'm taking my career in my hands here profan in his humor yeah yeah but it's all good fun it's it's it's fun and uh this uh morning right now so we want to take advantage that's right and and he understands that my job and my marriage or St here so actually I feel more sorry for marriage than so listen before we start talking about the internet doesn't go anywhere for the listeners it doesn't need to that guy is comedy the guy on the tan jacket he's comedy well I a walking shot that's pretty ambitious for a Morning Show well you know what they like to mix it up Tom they like to get artistic let I did a Morning Show in San Francisco years ago and I was hung over as [ __ ] and they go would you mind uh we have all you had to say was morning we know you were H over we have to do this uh cover this fencing exhibit or some event or something so I had to go down to this fencing place and they filmed it and like you know would you mind doing and comedian Tom rhs and like I've got the fencing outfit on and The Mask it's like I didn't need to be there it could have been anybody anyone a standing I'm [ __ ] I'm still drunk and I'm now I have to fence somebody so I can get like an extra three people in the [ __ ] show Brendon Walsh did that for me when I was uh Andy threw a party at the bar that they filmed uh Animal House the Otis day and in the night scene mind if we dance with your dates remember that so there's a that bar still exists and there's a campsite out in the way back of Oregon near there so we had this party out this campsite and we and I can't get cell phone reception
and I'm playing Seattle so I had Brendan Walsh I couldn't do a phoner to promote my show so we went into town to that bar I called Walsh I go hey will you do this uh phoner in Seattle as me and it's a show I've been on before so yeah sure I'll do it so he did it and they like wow you don't kind you don't sound like yourself but they went through and Brendan Walsh did a whole interview as he say he was sick or something I have no idea what he said but he his [ __ ] was strong that's [ __ ] funny Tom Rose don't piss in the sink that's not the bathroom yeah that's not the bathroom he's in there throwing up I've done that a lot Bingo has caught me so many times trying to go into the closet in a hotel room to take a piss that you go well that's the amount of times you've woken up and found me how many times have I pissed all over my own [ __ ] and never knew about it I'm trying to remember I do it all the time it's the humidity I guess I'm trying to remember who told me the story but somebody opened up their drawer and they pissed on their sock drawer they opened up they went to their dresser and they pulled their sock drawer open and they just pissed in there and I'm like how the [ __ ] did you think your sock drawer was the toilet I've peed in I'm sure you've done this I've peed in the corner of a lot of hotel room that's what we're talking about we saw you go through the wrong door thinking you thought you going to the wait minut wait you peed in the corner of a lot of hotel rooms a few of them just being plastered like you know find thought I was there how many times Bingo caught me doing that versus how many times she didn't wake up that I did that and didn't know I did that that's those extra two shots when your brain says it's over Doug stand open you say the [ __ ] it is I was plastered in Ireland years ago and I went out the room door I thought I was going to I was just drunk and half awake I just needed to pee and then I in the [ __ ] hallway naked and I was banging on the door my girlfriend get come what the [ __ ] are you doing out there did open the [ __ ] door we already have this on a podcast henigan did that right there my manager and Henry Phillips both have stories walking out thinking they're going into the bathroom walking out naked and the door shuts behind them
and they're both naked in the [ __ ] hallway going and then you instantly become John Ritter I have been there there's no way that's not comedy you knowbody you going Go Des how many people I don't have identification if you do like a 20-year bid in a hotel you're working in a hotel for 20 years some of the dude's coming down naked how many dudes come down naked during your entire career holding their cocka balls just going that's what happened to that's what happened to Brian he went into like a a a locker a housekeeping door that was open grabbed a sheet or whatever put it over his dick I walked down to the hotel and they just gave him a key he didn't they didn't say ID or anything one good thing about being old is people don't question your intentions well I also think get I really think it's way naked old guy out of the lobby as quick as possible it's way more common than we want to admit especially if people are drinking booze if people are drinking booze I think they're pissing in the hallway they're walking outside they're getting people get so Dr I mean how many people you been around that gotten so drunk they don't know what the [ __ ] they're doing I mean how many people a lot stitches this we're not we're not unique we're not unique you know you you add us connect us all to all the [ __ ] people out there in the world that are drinking there's a lot of people walking down that Hall with their dick in their hand going [ __ ] they hear that kachunk that's the thing you got to walk to the front desk with confidence yeah you know we just got to have one hand on your dick and the other hand like just casually explaining your story you know just man no you know give a towel take your shirt off my only problem at that drunk would be overe explaining it I'd be going listen I went to this bar it was 7:00 I hadn't eaten or letting him suck your dick just to make the story way over the top I've never got the front desk to suck my dick but I'm not Joe Rogan but could you imagine if you went to the front disc and a man was like look I'll give you the key but I want to suck your dick you might let him at least put his dick in your mouth so you could tell people about it you would think about it you be like this is the most ridiculous thing
not saying you Tom roads I'm saying Doug I can see Doug stanh hope letting man you'd let a guy blow you at the front desk not blow him just I see myself saying all right you suck my dick as a pre-check cuz I was going to call a hooker but if I can't get it up if I do this will you give me some Diagnostics on my penis before I waste $350 on Aros guide do some Diagnostics are you plugged in sir do you have the updated [Laughter] software oh yeah you would do it just for the story difference time in my life yeah between you and Tom rhods Tom rhods you wouldn't go I'm playing the UK I have none of my material works but getting blown in a hotel hallway by a front desk man that's Universal do it well there's the other thing like the UK they demand a new show every year right they want you to have like a show like this is the uh this is the you know the end of the world show in the UK they all do their shows kind of like plays where they title it it has a beginning and an end and a through line and what's that about well I'm doing the Edinburgh Festival this year I've never done it and are you doing are you going to succumb to that peer pressure where I've just always wanted to do it and I but I mean are you going to just do a an hour or I'm going do what I do no I'm not going to talk about you're not going to make it all make sense hold on a lot of guys have a beginning middle and end right no over there I never did but those guys do they have a themed show Jim jeffy's head I can't remember the name but yeah it was about he he takes this subject and it can vary but there's a through line and an arc and then there's supposed to be a tidy ending it's about a yeah I've done a bunch of show that's a [ __ ] play it's a [ __ ] play plays suck yeah I'm not into that I'm not I'm not begin what's wrong with going out and pounding people with jokes and I'm not ending the same way every night I'm not beginning the same way every night there's not going to be the same middle that's ridiculous you don't have to do it that way no no you don't but they again the same way we have three Comics any Comedy Club you go into there's a
opener a feature which I'm I'm plugging this everywhere stop saying feature confuses the audience just say your next ACT and then your headliner middle yeah just say the next ACT yeah but if you say I'm middling for Stan hope that's what you're really doing you're middling but when you announce it to an audience a feature they think is a headliner they don't know the difference well not only that it's gross cuz you know what you're doing it's the same exact spot you're doing the same exact thing and you're trying to pretend it's more prestigious by calling it a feature that's stupid I but a feature would sound like a headliner to a pedestrian audience the point you going to make about England it wasn't a thing anybody ever used in the east coast that was a thing that uh you would only use in the road for whatever reason guys would use Co the only point was in in the UK they tend to do that they have a themed show they have a you this is what it's called they have opening acts not at Ed no no you you go out you perform your show I at some point I go I don't I don't these rules don't apply to me yeah I'm going to bring [ __ ] Henry Phillips over right but in in clubs in England usually a lot of times the Best comedian is the host opens with 20 the whole show is his thing I don't know why I don't know why in America we put on like open micers who have no experience and they don't know how to run a show it's great when in England like a Show's great from the start because you got and usually he's getting and everyone else does 20 it sets and this guy it's like it's he's presenting David Letterman we used to do that in Boston but that was the the thing in Boston it would be like tonight is the Don Gavin show and friends yeah yeah yeah yeah Steve Sweeney and Friends Kevin Knox and friends they they would Kevin Kenny Rogerson and friends they did that all the time well we need to change the putting the [ __ ] open micer out there first cuz every people know the first guy's going to suck you saying we can change why you saying we can change if anybody can [ __ ] do whatever the [ __ ] they want it's you too you could both do whatever the [ __ ] you want all the com yeah ex I'm talking about the United States right I'm talking about you know the club format Zig zogs and Missouri right right right
but do you do it I I don't do it I don't go out first and host the show I'm talking about people who are still in comedy clubs where there people are going to see comedy and not the comics so they still think they have to put three up I I [ __ ] plow through I'm say I said this on [ __ ] ber Cher's podcast so I don't want to repeat one conversation but yes if you don't have a great herd of comics don't just put up a guy that's shitty because you think you need three right but don't you think that the only way we ever get really better at comedy all of us is everybody needs to be thrown to the Wolves there got to be a trial by fire I think if you see a guy who's got any Talent that's what Open Mic nights are for that's but sometimes like the [ __ ] owner will go up and do 10 because you don't have a third comic you don't need three toally you're totally right but when I used to take guys on the road with me to for the Diaz security spot those guys like Duncan and Ari both those guys when I started taking them on the road with me were essentially open micers they they really didn't work professionally very much they weren't making money off of it but I knew that they had potential so I figured if they could go on stage and break the crowd in like you you go out to a cold crowd every night a packed crowd that paid money and used to nights it's [ __ ] great it's great for them and they they it both it worked for it worked for me it worked for a lot of right but those guys have personalities that people love from hearing them on your show that's different regular no no no this is way before that okay this was like in the 202s 2003s I was taking those guys in the road with me when they were first starting out there was no podcast back then okay I didn't have any internet Presence at all there was nothing every show was just you do radio you go to town do local radio there I had nothing I had a message board that was like uh pretty popular but you know I mean what does that mean like it had like 10,000 members or something like that at the whole country you can't like fill a crowd at a comedy club with something like that so it was all people that knew me most likely from TV and Duncan would
go up first okay and just and by doing that it's like strength training it's like running up hills you know you you just develop the ability to get out of the gate strong and I watched them all like sort of like morph in that sense so I I I I see what you're saying like it is the best way to do it to have a guy like the Tom roads and friends show and you go out so from the moment they go at the very least Tom RH is coming back no I like going on at the end with the big fat hour piece of cake move the middle guy to the front and put the shitty guy in the middle you're not going to have you're not going to have an opener at The Fringe Festival are you oh no no no just me for an hour but the problem is the the middle guy no we're talking if the middle guy is a shitty guy he's just going to get buried there's a big difference between getting buried by like if you have Diaz and then after Diaz you have a guy who's just starting out you did that with me hard we did it with you but that was that was not planned me yeah I mean we did it for fun we just to like and but Joey also knows you he loves you he throws you on stage gives you a great introduction and everybody knows that Joey's coming back but there is that's also part of uh being a great host is not frontloading the whole [ __ ] with your you don't open with your closer and then bring out the [ __ ] weak need guy you ramp it up and then you're going to come back and then you make it a little stronger and you know how to do the show that's the technician that's the guy that's your manager of the [ __ ] show but there's some guys that are really good they're really funny but they still need to be baby [ __ ] there's some guys that you just can't have someone too strong going before him there's just some guys they have a great style they have a great the the the fous Mitch Hedberg incidents that happened all across the country where all the wrong setup like some guy would go up he was the wrong middle act he would go up he would crush and then Hedberg couldn't follow him and then no one could ever say that Hedberg wasn't brilliant hedberg's shitty MC I he was mcing the first time I met him I was the middle act and he'd go up with his jokes he has he had no hey how's everyone doing night what are you drinking there anyone have
a birthday you like no skill Junior stopka who I use now like I'll [ __ ] I'd make Brian henan my manager or chaye go up and just say anything if there was no opening act just so Junior didn't have to go up cold because he got nothing other than his jokes he has no he doesn't have interpersonal skills a as a friend but you don't I don't know if you necessarily need those if your jokes are strong he don't necessarily need those it's it's awkward at first but you know after a few seconds we play a l [ __ ] up venues where you kind of have to address awkward situations and yeah you need that guy so even just my tour manager going up going hey everyone doing great okay turn off your cell phone just announcements and then bring him up that makes sense just get people focused that's a good move that's a very good move but yeah there's some people that are not going to be good MC's well there's some guys that never respond to anything that happens in the audience they do not deviate from hey rap guys MC has an ual [ __ ] meaning in our world oh go ahead wow what are you trying to say you starting a rap I'm trying to be the Donald Sterling comedy dude don't start a rap war on my show if you want to go on your [ __ ] all things comedy and start a rap War some East Coast West Coast type [ __ ] you go right ahead I'm not I'm not about that Doug Stan hope death squad versus ATC what is ATC oh [ __ ] all things comedy Jesus getting Acron just wanted to make sure I was right [Music] comedy you remember when you were uh starting out and you never had a [ __ ] inkling of the idea of having a career like having a career at comedy was just like a when you get those emails they're the saddest emails where listen I've been thinking about doing comedy but like like how do I get paid if that's how you're getting into comedy you're [ __ ] for like when when like uh opening acts ask you you or Open Mic guys the same thing you know when can I expect to be paid from this that's a pretty but the guys before they've ever stepped on a stage going like how am I going to get an agent out of this what yeah you're supposed to want to get [ __ ] out of this like that's why you get to open mic you want to impress the uh next funniest guy who's not funny
that's your first goal yeah the first time you make the back of the room laugh is the first time you feel like holy [ __ ] I might be a chandan I heard some Comics laugh yeah like you remember the first time when you were in open micer you heard a pro laugh at something you said and you're like holy [ __ ] I made a real comedian laugh I didn't just make the audience laugh I think when when we were starting out though you know you started out in what 90 yeah it's 88 84 baby you know there was just like a dream of of being able to get paid to do comedy but the idea of a career or or or like the first time I got paid at was either $10 or $15 and then I called my brother I go I'm technically a professional now cuz I just got paid and he goes does that mean you get to take off the protective headgear well I've always said that you know the toughest thing about being a comedian is keeping a straight face when they pay you right like wow you just gave me money for this yeah no I I've come to grips with the fact that I have a scam for a living and I H I've had no tough life and there's no way I should get paid for this but like when I did fraud telemarketing before this you go hey if you don't [ __ ] him over someone else well so the first time I ever got paid I worked for a guy named Warren McDonald and Warren McDonald had a brother um that was uh he would do the uh Ronald no he would run the uh open mic night good guy I forget his [ __ ] name I want to say Bill anyway he was uh the the guy who uh ran the open mic night and um I worked for him we used to do these Norm lefo gigs in the middle of [ __ ] nowhere did you ever do a norm gig did you ever do one those no no I never worked back East you never worked back East I started in Vegas but you but you lived in Worcester like you went back and did gigs there right I went back once and was it stitches yeah I did that once Open Mic era so the first six months or year I ate [ __ ] I Su so 91 that was probably like 90 91 I was still there I still I think I was still there until ' 91 or '92 back visiting I thought oh I remember what street it was on was it a bigger stitches or was it the really tiny place that was next to the paradise Commonwealth oh okay is that yeah that's
right that is the [ __ ] drunkest saturated old fossilized brain cell that just came out and told you a street yeah no that's it Commonwealth a I wonder with the paradise the paradise Boston I was on Bill Bur uh well you're Massachusetts yeah I I mentioned zarx do you remember zarx zarx it was a syrup that you would pour into water as a kid like Tang but it was a syrup with a zebra on the front he's like yeah yeah wa wait hey zarx was there a a zebra and then just like that [ __ ] Commonwealth brain cell he sang the theme song from zarx like he was speaking in tongu he didn't know what I meant at first and he goes wait a zebra and then he burst into song and had the theme song which I didn't even know you uh you went to the real stitches if you went to Commonwealth a you went to the original stitches which was uh next to the paradise the paradise was a rock club like this really small Rock Club you're you're trying to uh Eng grandis a rape scene for me I died so miserably but you got raped in a really historical place no I died it was the most miserable [ __ ] experience of my early comedy career you took it right in your dick hole at a really important place they [ __ ] hated me zarx it's back in production now they they they started making zarx again what is zarx it's like that like I said it's stuff you put in like drink it's kind of like that stuff where you put in one little drop into water and it turns it into Fruit Punch they looked Tang they sort of a Tang rip off yeah that uh that spot was amazing that little stitches that little stitches was the little dark room it was amazing unless you were a young mullet haired kid and your brother came to see you for the first time and you ate [ __ ] in front of everyone I did my first set ever there that was my first set I wasn't that good gotta be honest with you your your first set wasn't good pretty [ __ ] Terri we were talking about this I don't know if it's bur or Cher but that would be a great set list show kind of themed show is break out your first notebooks oh wow that' be great wish I had them I wish I still had them I would love to do that it was embarrass sing I have them I got mine too really my first one I wrote out my name I wrote out hi my name is Doug
stanh like I wrote every [ __ ] word out I have it did you ever practice on a tape recorder before you actually did comedy I don't remember doing that my dad had one of those tape recorder things I I I would try and do like record funny things you know where you had to push down fingers like the cassette thing where guys in the you know office guys did dictation or yep I had the exact same thing I tried to make silly you know little radio shows I didn't try to do that but I tried to do stand up in it I would try to do my own version of stand up as if I was talking to a crowd and then I would like play it to a couple of my friends you think this is funny none of them thought it was funny they all had the same look like oh my God what are you doing like if you're a white guy wants to try boxing they're like oh yeah man you're going to [ __ ] kick everybody's ass bro like there was this there was this uh just sense of like like like sadness and they listen to your comedy like you're [ __ ] you're never going to make it like this is terrible this open mic when you're first starting you're like throwing anything against the wall that would work you know well you I always break it down into two there's two very distinct stages in the beginning of your comedy in the first stage is you doing anything to try to get a laugh [ __ ] you don't think is funny it's just tools they're just Hammers and screwdrivers and just hoping to get something that works sea monkeys was a a phrase I I built yeah I that's a funny thing and I built anything around it where I turned it into a sexually transmitted disease eventually but I just wanted to say sea monkeys cuz I thought that was funny it's a funny word yeah there was a bunch of those I used to say spatula I had a uh I used a prop I us I used a prop on my first open mic and uh I didn't realize it was racist it was racist what was it a black I had like drawn with a cross burning on his I it was a monkey with a [ __ ] jockey outfit on in a basketball uniform it's backwards with a boom box in his shoulder no idea I had no idea he picking cotton he was he had punching nun picking cotton and blackace chained to a plantation stare it was open mik Nature sorry he was robbing a white
man I had no idea hey Bamba says Tom Ro on his Talking Like Fat Albert's friend with a hat over his face I had no idea it was racist by the way I'm white and I'm not racist at all I'm super respectful of black people sorry don't worry I'm sorry what were you saying oh nothing something wasn't racist I made it in art class I started when I was 17 I made uh one of those High School one of those a blackf Mr Bill with a giant dick there's the bunch of white where all the white women at all the white women were climbing on it while he was eating a piece of chicken there's no reason it should have taken this long to get to this quick store crying I'm [ __ ] crying over here had a welfare check set out his back pocket and I have no idea why anybody would think that [ __ ] was racist oh my God bell bottoms on it in afro but [ __ ] watermelon is delicious I don't know what the problem is it's all right why is everybody so up he had big lips around his p is your re hip hop H sorry all right sorry I had to make it one make it un funny so through your story sorry nothing black guy something Joe just try a cigarette one cigarette while he get story I did it with you I come on I really I want to hear this story [ __ ] it I ain't even telling I want to hear like a secret that I never would have [ __ ] told anybody and you guys clowned on it you're never going to tell anybody except on the internet yeah please that's ridiculous you guys go off with watermelon and your [ __ ] what was your racist thing I'll tell you my first RAC I was a kid I didn't you know whatever I didn't know any better I was trying you know you're trying to be funny and uh I don't know you know I wasn't I made an art class uh one of those street signs that's a school scoss crossing and like I made an art class like you know with like a black markers and I made it and like in a in a like yellow poster board I cut it this the size the shape of the the [ __ ] school
crossing and I said uh come on when was the last time you saw two ball-headed black kids walk into school carrying books I don't get it it was ter I was 17 I was an idot but I mean why is it wait wait a minute so it was just when did you when would you ever see two B the sign the sign had no it's the regular street sign yeah what you know a school crossing sign that I recreated that exact thing so the sil saying it's black kids it was stupid I was 17 you know it's way more racist is the [ __ ] so glad I opened up I didn't get it the the signs you get when you're in [ __ ] San Diego oh those yeah the family running across the highway it's the dad and the mom and the little girl they're not married by the way that's it's not even the dad it's the mom but it's funny that the little kid isn't even running the kid is like flying they're running and the mom's holding the kid's hand yeah and the kid is like flying cuz they're running so fast well that's you're supposed to slow down because you think watch out for people seeking uh better life yeah be careful they're dangerous people seeking a better life that's a [ __ ] weird thing isn't it I mean you're right next to it you're about as close as humanly possible the only place I've ever seen in the world watch out for people running across the highway you're a couple miles away from where's Bingo what's the name of the sign everyone has like every third house like a political sign where I live on the border uh humanitarian Aid is never a crime cuz yeah people that are [ __ ] decent at the border where I live and they'll leave water out for people that have treed AC Ross the desert and leave jugs water no that's very cool and yeah you can get arrested for that what somehow you can get arrested for leaving water I don't know how it works but yeah what or or aiding them without turning them in or however it works they pass the crystal meth houses to kick in the house the door of the house that gave water to somebody they don't they don't do that where I live I think if you made it that far that northern Mexico desert is so [ __ ] just desolate and massive if you made it that far to the Border you should get like a prize it shouldn't be a contest a car waiting the idea is ridiculous the idea that we're going to keep these people from coming over where
there jobs just because they were [ __ ] [ __ ] out of luck they people me here here's how you like attack the militia man Guy saying because they're all you know family people and Jesus and go hey if your kids were [ __ ] shitty would you not try to make their life better by doing that like would as a as a father anytime you go after their kids and put it on their kids they have to wait would you not try to make your child's life better by getting to a better place if you if we really if we really believe in humans just this the concept of human beings you really believe in that humans are just a just a born bundle of potential if you're not a total complete racist where you think that you know your race is superior you're Superior because of whatever shape you are color are if you're not that then the idea of borders and and keeping people that are poor out of places where they don't have to be poor anymore because there's jobs it's ridiculous well it's funny how people talk about like all these these these uh you know immigrants flooding over the Border I've been down to to visit you a couple times and I was driving to El Paso from your place once and there's that one small road that goes from Bisby straight to El Paso and it's right along the border and there's like Army troops out there with camouflage and then there's no people no towns and then you got they got ATV vehicles ATC vehicles and then the the uh the border patrol guys this guy pulled me over I'm a white guy driving a car and he goes uh I saw you were driving away from California what the I've come to visit you with Florida plates what the [ __ ] guy it's completely ridiculous yeah first of all probably drug related which has nothing to do with immigration but the you're what you were uh throwing out still almost every argument boils down to overpopulation okay well these people well everyone will continue to [ __ ] until they have some you know that's that's a way to look at it but the real issue isn't right now that we don't have enough resources to deal with the people that are at hand the real issue is there's people that have no access to resources there's people that they have their resources monopolized by gigantic
corporations in the military-industrial complex and there people that live in poverty where the places where they live are some of the richest places in the [ __ ] world it's more of a greed issue and a money issue and a domination issue than it even is a resource issue if you just took the amount of oil that's coming out of places where the people are incredibly poor and you just looked at that on a graph and said how the [ __ ] is this possible how is it possible the place where these people were just born is just incredibly rich in natural resources but a company that doesn't have anything to do with this area has somehow or another acquired the rights to suck it out of the ground and the people that work in the factories are incredibly poor how is that possible that's nothing but cruelty it's nothing but people with a [ __ ] ton of money dominating people who don't have that opportunity it's nothing but a lack of humanity it's not about how many babies you have it's not about resources it's about [ __ ] yes it is about resources because there's more people all the time and that's why we need more resources it is but it's about what do they do with that money if they'd Ed that money to enrich these people it's been proven that when you get people into an industrialized setting you get people into a nice city they have Plumbing they're amount of children they have drops like that's one of the number one concerns about all the people that like believe in overpopulation there's another school of thought amongst like real Scholars i''s say that overpopulation exists in rural areas third world countries a lot of different places India China what have you but when places become stabilized and people start having careers and lives the number of children they have actually drops it drops to like every couple we have like one and a half kids or something like that you know per per statistic so it's it's not that these people everyone's [ __ ] too much but the numbers of people keep going up so that's not good but you know what right now it's totally sustainable there's your proven statistics and then there's actual math of how many people keep appearing it is but it's not because look humans they I'm with you I'm with you and I agree with you I agree with
you to a certain if we want to go outside and count them to win a bet no there's plenty of people there's more people than ever but always more there is always more but right now it's totally sustainable and what I'm saying is that in industrial situations the numbers actually drop so just because there's a lot of people today and There's 7 billion people and next year there might be 7 so poverty is thriving it is currently but it doesn't mean that it has to stay that way once industrialization set this is just science when it comes to population control when you industrialize an area the people have less children because when the people start getting careers they have less children so even though you might have an area that has a lot of people right now if that area improves in the quality of their their infrastructure their their their their economy all these different variables obviously I don't have a dog in this fight but once they start doing that the number of babies they have actually drops so it's a matter of in my opinion it's definitely moved into West Hollywood in 1995 in a rent control Place Brian still lives there parking is way [ __ ] harder this is not an impoverished place in West Hollywood there's more [ __ ] people there's more people here there's less people in Cleveland there's less people in Detroit Detroit is [ __ ] half empty now Detroit you can buy a house for 500 bucks I mean California is a great spot it never rains it's [ __ ] 80 years 80 degrees in February everybody moves here because they want to be famous like Kim Kardashian you got me there just cuz I'm drinking look it makes sense there's definitely more people like statistically there's way more people and it is a problem but it's not the number one problem problem the number one problem is the country the world all the economies all the [ __ ] natural resources are controlled by [ __ ] by evil [ __ ] that have [ __ ] tons of money and weapons that's the number one problem this idea that our problem is overpopulation if we have less people we're going to have a [ __ ] smooth sailing that's not real because the people that I know are all people the people that I love are all people they started out being [ __ ] babies and
then became awesome I mean that's that's all the people that I know had to start out somewhere as people if we want to believe that the human race can carry on and more Tom rhs and Doug Stan homs and more interesting people can exist that way someone's got to make a [ __ ] person it doesn't mean that we should all and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with not doing it ain't anything wrong with doing it but that's not our number one [ __ ] problem our number one problem is cun that a gigantic chunk of the population is controlled by [ __ ] and where did [ __ ] come from [ __ ] come from people babies so do so do comedians strippers yeah you know what you're talking about like all your favorite movie stars they all came from a vagina but you know you're talking about lifting up societies like Nigeria look how poor these people are you think these shell executive oil people would get tired of getting kidnapped and their refineries getting taken hostage and they have enough security to prevent most of it you know there's if you got enough money they don't have to lift up the society yeah if you you got enough money you plan ahead you can keep people at Bay it's [ __ ] Game of Thrones type [ __ ] it's it's pretty simple it's just more sophisticated oh here he goes Throne is intellect in you can keep up with Game of Thrones I got through half of the Premier episode I go oh this is too [ __ ] convoluted for me yeah it's complicated look I I I I see both points I see your point I see I see look life is no matter what it's pointless I mean you live and you die for you for any individual it's a temporary ride but I think that to concentrate entirely on the futility of it all how are you going to drop this on me now have you seen uh it's end [ __ ] but there's not have you seen perverts guy do ideology no that guy zizic he's like uh the slovenia's premier philosopher he's he's big in England he's got this great movie this documentary it's called the perverts guide ideology and he breaks down with movies and how we're like just Mass fed these different ideologies and he starts with that movie They Live Oh Yeah from ' 88 where the guy finds the glasses Piper [ __ ] yeah and he sees the aliens he was on the podcast last night I did with him he's great Rody came around yeah he he
does like comedy shows with uh Steve Simone yeah he came up on stage we were doing a podcast and this guy just starts walking towards us and then starts walking on stage and I was like three seconds I was about to go Hey sir you can't just but then right when I did it Tony HFF goes Rody Rody Piper everyone I'm like what the so you didn't knowuh I we had no idea he just walked on stage in the middle of our podcast kill Tony that's hilarious have you ever seen the video he did with Ari when he came on stage with him and body slammed him I was there that was weird Ari shafir got body slammed byat Piper yeah that was awesome that was awesome that was a naughty show right wasn't it yeah yeah Sam tripley Sam Tri did I miss the end of zizic I try to have my prostate timed with Tom road so I can start pissing when he talks about zizic and get back right at the end beat done he said it all he uh it was a ziz zizic cilo that's tough to say here's AR that's Dana dearmon announcing it and here's it R Piper [ __ ] Dana de arand I remember her from the Myspace days and it was Dana de arond photography so I thought the thumbnail was some dude named Dana that put hot chicks up so you'd follow him and it wasn't until recently where I found out and I saw she follow you when they like oh that's really a hot chick I thought it was a dude using a hot chick he took a picture of to try to get me to follow him no she's a very nice person and happens to be a hardcore porn star but she's a very nice person this is very cool we did a podcast we did a couple podcasts with her at the ice house but we did one with her at Brian's Place Tabitha Stevens seems really cool on uh Twitter she's cool to the point where I'm like you know I don't want you to do this I follow you you don't have to send me a dirty picture every day I think she enjoys it though she's really cool but she enjoys it but you don't have to do that to me you want to say I understand I understand but you got to let a ho be a hoe it's like from a wiie from the Ghetto Boys you just I think when they decoded the hieroglyphics on the pyramid what it that it says that it's in uh it's cryptic you got to use the Rosetta Stone to get it correctly
yeah the [ __ ] are you watching that's Rowdy Piper banging Ari shaffir's head off the piano now some sort of sex thing going on you know he's passed at The Comedy Store R Rony is well that's where the comedy store is today oh my God he beat him with a belt yeah that's when AR's like okay I got to get out of here wow he really beat him well hey they used to really for real beat the [ __ ] out of each other in those old days of wrestling those guys used to cut each other in the in the arri shaffir rowdy rowdy Piper Wars no the real Rowdy Ry Piper wrestling matches Doug that's what we're talking about that they used to beat the [ __ ] out of each other I was out pissed pay attention we're just showing the video of Rowdy Rody Piper beating Ari shafir with a belt am I the guy off the mark right now yeah you're a little off the mark Ry Rody Piper was just beating Ari with a belt in this video and we were saying that they that's for him that's what the [ __ ] they did they used to hit each other with chairs and [ __ ] they really hit each other he like you can get hit with a chair and you could be all right and if that's what your job entails like I know you don't want to clean toilets but somebody's got to do it that's their job I always assumed the wrestler was kind of authentic the movie yeah it's fairly authentic yeah it's fairly authentic do this to you are you cool with that all right there was a great uh Lou Theo documentary where they uh he went around to all these low time every time he's on our level Tom we go hey we can talk wrestling that's dumb he goes well Lou thorough once said what yeah you [ __ ] s side stepped my zizic On Golden Pond then we now we're now we're on throw Louis throw he goes to these uh local North Carolina wrestling matches where these amateur guys they're not making any money they're cutting themselves with razor blades to making themselves bleed I mean it's [ __ ] crazy one guy puts barb wire all over himself and they charge into each other with Barb Wire beat each other with barware sticks and [ __ ] like for real they're cut they're like they're all bleeding after thing they're laugh original jackass well they really used to they had theater with jackass those guy there was a big coke scene and they used to hang around a lot
of comedians in the 80s I remember hanging out with Jake The Snake really and he had the largest bag of cocaine I've ever seen in my life well those guys are all medic you saw constantly hurt you saw that documentary Beyond the Mat no what is that [ __ ] it's it's about wrestlers it was fantastic about pro wrestlers yeah they would like five different guys they had the new guys starting out and then intermediaries and then Jake the Snake Roberts who's now playing an Armory in Carney Nebraska still [ __ ] yeah and they're going to meet him up with his daughter that he does he never met that he abandoned but he used what are you playing he couldn't break away from the merch table so he never met her what is this start smoking crack and they get him like on a camera shot through his Motel blinds smoking crack I'm going to get sad right here oh just please I'll get sad stop playing this [ __ ] nonsense Joe gets sad a lot I don't want look I get sad when I watch people that are wrestlers and that was from that that was the guy that died I watched the documentary but [ __ ] it was wicked good I wanted it made me want to do a documentary about all the 80s comedians who thought they had it made cuz all of a sudden it's like the oil boom now in North Dakota where everyone's making $5,000 a week with book jokes two Jews walking into a bar thank you $5,000 Kansas City and where they became Vic Dunlop [ __ ] lost a leg and then he's dead like but for a minute he was [ __ ] huge not even he was just Rich he died all you had all you had to do was get an evening The Improv if you had a Caroline's comedy hour and an evening with the Improv you were good and if you had an MTV half hour Comedy Hour and a Caroline's comedy hour and an evening at The Improv holy [ __ ] you were you were in one of those USA you remember those USA comedy guides you remember Fu before the internet we they they'd have this industry who's who have com oh yeah yeah yeah show put that out something Skippy had a two page spread Skippy from The Facts of Life is that what it's from the show fact life what was the [ __ ] show yeah Mark Price skipp what was the shows Family Ties family TI the like uh Justine baitman once emailed me and I was Star
Struck she goes I think you're brilliant I go are you the Justine baitman that I know from Dev and this is not a long time ago did you jerk off while you were no I was it was like six years ago I probably told the story on the internet who didn't love mallerie she was she was incredible that's pretty interesting so she decided that she was going to reach out to you yeah yeah yeah was did you tell all your friends this story takes about three minutes do you have the time for it she came to a show Garrett Morris opened a comedy club the downtown comedy club or uh Garrett Morris from Center yeah and it was like in a sushi place in a hotel so we played it and just baitman showed up after that email and I'm all excited I'm doing uh two shows what anyway whatever it is we get done the show she's been there Lynn shoft you know hedberg's wife and bingo they've been drinking a lot so I go to the downstairs bar after the show to meet them and some producer friend Hollywood types and I'm all like hey I'm nervous cuz I'm [ __ ] Star Struck by Justine baitman at way too late of an age to be Star Struck By Justine baitman good time to take a piss Tom Rose dare you Tom rhs you selfish son of a [ __ ] so they're [ __ ] up Bingo and sharr are so [ __ ] up and they're like spilling the tables and everyone's trying to be polite and ignore the [ __ ] elephants in the room they have a pizza on one of those trays that's being heated from the bottom and shockra knocks the pizza shockra her excuse is is that she's on a uh what do you what's the diet where you can't have carbs F Atkins she's doing the Atkins so she's drinking vodka instead of drinking beer but she's drinking vodka at the same rate you would drink beer so she's so [ __ ] up so quickly and she's knocking [ __ ] over and you don't know what love is you don't and I'm like uh and I'm distancing myself from my own girlfriend and my friend I don't I don't God at one she knocks their Pizza on the ground and gets down on all four going I don't care I'll eat it and she's eating pizza off of Justine Batman's feet and I'm just trying to make a smiley face and Justin was [ __ ] great and she knew how to bust balls and she's she's making fun with it and being kind of cruel like a comic would skip to the next morning shockra wakes up from her blackout going
oh my god did I make an ass whole L of myself in front of that Justine baitman and I go you are [ __ ] crawling on all fours like a pig eating pizza off her feet and without any irony or like sarcasm Shak cof goes oh my God I ate pizza I'm not supposed to have carbs dude why are you not telling that on stage you need cuz it's not my story it's it's abandoned I probably told it a million times on a bunch of podcasts we'll delete it off the internet and please tell it on stage that's a great goddamn story she is so [ __ ] funny oh my God I'm not supposed to eat carbs so she's gluten-free is that what it is yeah again this is like six years ago I don't know that's [ __ ] hilarious well good on Justine baitman good for her what show was she on Family Ties That Michael J fox y yeah takes place in Ohio he's back bites I don't know if you know what Tom sigur's got a [ __ ] 20-minute bit about the Family Ties new the new Michael J fox show God it's horrible it's brutal brutal bit so mean so [ __ ] mean you're [ __ ] raing on the guy with Parkinson's again i' I've I've done you know four podcasts in 24 hours basically or 36 so my point is I hate to repeat myself but ber ker is talking about Tom sigura is has been on my list of [ __ ] to do to watch cuz I've heard about him so much from you your podcast and tweets and stuff that and Cher said [ __ ] Yeah you got to see him I still have not like pulled up YouTube or anything of it he's really good man yeah he's really good we uh I I met him when I did the um Maxim tour with Charlie Murphy me and hefron and Charlie Murphy you know sigura oh he's hilarious I love it really good every place we went they had a new guy open for us you know like a local guy or a guy that won like a local contest and he went up uh in Phoenix we did the Hollywood Theater the same theater with Lou did his last special and sigura went up and I was like holy [ __ ] this guy's good he's really he was like out of all the guy we had 22 shows so 22 different guys open for us but he was the only one that really stood out I was like's Beast he's legit his podcast is fun too yeah he's just a fun guy he's just a good guy he's like ker you know his wife is [ __ ] hilarious too you ever seen Christina pitsky no I don't know anyone I se no
she went up uh Sam tripley had this naughty show and uh he had uh all these people on the show and I mean it's all chaos it's like here there's Tom it's like Tom naked people and people getting beaten by belts and all this chaos and uh this woman was beating this guy with a belt and I was thinking oh my God I can't believe she's got to follow this like how's she gonna [ __ ] follow this and I the first night I met her she's like real friendly and I was like poor Tom's wife poor Tom's wife going to go up and TR to follow a guy getting beaten by a belt she goes up and slays and I was like holy [ __ ] she's really good she's really funny it's like finally a husband and wife team where they're both really funny which usually like the wife's really funny but the husband's some [ __ ] that just follows her around and tells her how awesome she is yeah or the jokes but can't do it himself it's one of the other one of the other it's either the husband's awesome or the wife's awesome or something what are you doing that's why their podcast is fun your mom's house with a [ __ ] crocodile that was heard when she was on Road Rules she was on Road Rules my God that's hilarious but she's a really good comic bottom line she really good comic funny just legit legit comedian has nothing to do with uh gender or the fact she's married to a legit comedian it's a rare instance where two legit comedians are hooked up I can't can't come up with another one no I can't get well I love it though because I I'd love that you can never say it doesn't work you know people always say oh don't ever dat a comic that [ __ ] never works you can't say that it doesn't most of the time it doesn't work but doesn't mean it can't work it can totally work like Tom and Christina it actually works they're both really funny but it's it's a perfect example of come on in history there had to be at least an instance of where two funny people that were already legitimately George Brown and Gracie Allen were they married captain and tenil no Jim Carrey married Jenny McCarthy who was hot enough for you to yes think was funny bow and Luke Duke look Conway Don there's none there's [ __ ] Tom and Christina that's it never existed that's why we need gay marriage that's what I'm talking about if two really funny guys only way you
can find two funny women in a room well what about if Richard prior and George Carlin married each other the greatest gay couple the greatest married couple of all time yeah gay marriage if they were both gay and they went into comedy I back gay marriage but you're talking interracial and I'm out my favorite my favorite thing you've ever done outside of your comedy is that [ __ ] uh Bisby Town Hall thing that you did where you went up there and oh you didn't see the one where I ate [ __ ] the next time there another one how did you eat [ __ ] I went up this is it was the most brutal every comic has had the dream where you go on stage and you can't talk and you don't know what you're saying in the audiences look that happened to me in real life after I did the one I just I spouted off at one city hall about uh you know why are you having prayer at a city council and that was quick and the next time I went when they were actually voting on The referendum for civil unions and I sat in the back listening to all these Christians speak and I just like like you watch the opening acts and you go I can riff off of this and I I developed this bit in my head that was not ready and I went up to speak and instead of hearing the ladies and gentlemen are you ready for your headliner and Applause I realize there dead silence and I'm I'm walking through water and I went up to speak and I lost my breath I started to talk and I see the mayor looking at me like why are you up here what are you doing the mayor of Bisby yeah how many people are in Bisby 5, 5500 don't make me move there I'll make I'll become the man I just everything that [ __ ] out everything that thought about listening to a bunch of speakers is that me live is that the video Yeah is this the exact CH is this it obviously we have enough people in the room to fight on my behalf I don't have to be here there was rumors of buses of churches that were going to show up and filibuster this so we felt we had no no this is not the breakdown there was the next the next city council meeting I I saw this one I fell apart where I I I'm like I'm talking to a cop with a dead hooker in my trunk and I and then and then all the
eyes are getting worse and then I start flop sweating and I'm go this is why I'm going to default lines this is why I normally drink when I I and Rosa Parks and I the and I had to leave in shame knowing that the [ __ ] mayor and one of the councilmen and the rest of my friends friends have seen this and they're coming to my house and I'm like the only I have to leave busy why they coming to your house cuz we we party over there you party with the mayor [ __ ] you yeah I met yeah the mayor's cool I met her I've been your house why would you panic then if you party with the may I just went into a [ __ ] pan like I had all this stuff that I know in my head is a comedy bit that I could do but going up done yet no going up to a bunch of people that are angry and don't want to see me and don't know you got to always bring at least a little little bit of your own audience but I did I had my friends there which made it worse I have no idea it was the dream that you have where you don't know what the [ __ ] you're doing on stage and you wake up going oh [ __ ] thank God that was just a dream but it was real and it was really to this day I see people that were at that city council meeting and I I go I I I should kill myself you hang your head in Shain it was [ __ ] how long ago is this last year dude we need to change this you got to move to a new town we need to move this real no we need to [ __ ] clean out the town everybody who've seen that we need to kill him that's all it is that's what I thought I actually said that on stage yo no last week I went up and city council you redeem yourself no I didn't redeem us I didn't kill but I went up and said Hey listen we're having a party you know I want to talk about noise complaints at a city council meeting you went up and said Hey listen we're having a party I go hey no I said Hey listen I want to talk about noise complaints you know what there's neighbors that make noise complaints and you're going to make a lot on May 25th we're having a party out of respect for a whiskey girl and a nowhere man who died tragically between uh 6 and 10 p.m. you know what don't call the cops just show up bring some food dude you're running that town why don't you run for mayor I well think you would win I I could win H I could help you but it's uh
you'd have to show up and it pays $386 a month I don't want any money and all the people that don't know you I you will hate you no saely no no we'll get rid of them don't move no how much do you think their houses are worth here's here's the reality here's the reality if they really had their [ __ ] together would they be living in bisy most likely no but that's you can just launch people in there move people to town Doug stanh hope they start buying up all these houses of these Mal contents who are upset that you're the new mayor when you're on the road you do your sty let's say there's 500 people at the show at the end of the night the staff are your only friends you don't [ __ ] with the staff I live with the staff I live with a small tiny amount of people and you're going to see them at Safeway every day and if you [ __ ] up what they think is important meaning city politics in Bisby I don't want to see those it's the same reason you wouldn't work a cruise ship because if you suck you're going to have to see those same people at the buffet and the Leo deck and shuffle board for another week I see your point I wouldn't work a cruise ship because I don't want to be on a boat in the middle of the [ __ ] ocean trapped with a bunch of people but I see your point like if you bomb what I'm saying is it would be [ __ ] Hunter Thompson running for Sheriff of uh Woody Creek if you [ __ ] if you ran for mayor of Bisby and actually won it might be the greatest victory that our generation has ever had we have a great mayor listen dude the great mayor is great he'll work for you this is my thoughts you can you could take over Bisby and then from you taking over Bisby we just start moving people in just start people [ __ ] this place it's going to [ __ ] Stan Hope's doing coke they sell their house cool people buy it I want to be near Stan hope next thing you know you got to [ __ ] town filled with Doug stanh hope fans I tell you I whenever I visit you do you know why I give out my address on your podcast 212 Van djk Street Bisby Arizona 85603 let me repeat 212 Van djk Street Bisby Arizona 85603 Mail Packages to us I can give that out cuz I can't get my own friends namely Joe Rogan to even visit me much less would Psych be happy to visit you I'd be happy to visit you you would be I
haven't done it but I would be happy to visit you you tell well you're going to buy the cave house I would like to buy that cave house but then you [ __ ] up now everybody knows the [ __ ] cave house is where I'm everyone's known about the cave house it's been featured in magazine buy the cave house it's a different thing because you just said you're going to buy I'm Shar Airbnb you [ __ ] me up you [ __ ] up my cave house dreams right there by Disclosure by involuntary disclosure you [ __ ] up my cave house dreams that house has been in so many magazines we just need guns and fences and [ __ ] we have guns hire Mexicans I think that you could run that town dude I think you're already running that town you're already own real estate have you seen Windy City Heat yeah oh it's great show that's that's that's what we're looking at is to not run for mayor but run someone for mayor that's okay now I'd like think said now I like how you're thinking now now I like what you're thinking we need to do is just there's a lot of people that just really are not totally buying the whole future Bisby experience we need to get them to start selling you know it's like a reverse block busting let them know look gentri five Bisby I already have a guy that's made the logo it's the Communist fist with a Rolex on it says gentrify Bisby that's your version of the Gonzo [ __ ] two thumbed uh holding the peyote button yeah gentrify Bisby in communist lettering dude you make it very very attractive make moving to the middle of nowhere next to some cool places cool town I couldn't do it no you have to have the [ __ ] you need [ __ ] around you what do I I'm good I'm good like just laying in a hammock I don't actually have a hammock I lived in the mountains of Colorado for a while for about two months and [ __ ] fled back here no it it's three months but the only but my wife got pregnant you can't live up there if you're pregnant yeah yeah the point is but you can't you're like a tell you have to do a sh before the giant show you have to have a big show before the giant show I understand it I'm not down in you what's that mean the Big Show before the giant show well you go to do UFC and then you do a big theater show before you do the Monstrous [ __ ] UFC show and yeah you
thrive on that kind of attention I I'm terrified by it when you brought me to UFC I've never been more scared even with you like just stay with me Roan get get a picture like [ __ ] [ __ ] you Hollywood like that was that's that's my UFC experience in a nutshell [ __ ] you Hollywood me walking through a crowd Joe you got me tickets uh to the Staple Center couple years ago and I had never been to UFC and I absolutely loved it uh just just just just transformed cuz I was a real boxing fan purist and I absolutely fell in love with it but the seats were like way up in the top of the arena and some guy that was sit in my seat and I mentioned uh guy was in my seat I showed him the ticket and I started talking to the guy he was in like the next seat over and I was so high up and I had mentioned that Joe Rogan had gotten me the tickets and the guy turn to me goes I thought you were better friends cuz they were so high up they were like how high up were they they were pretty high up did you did you get the tickets really last minute or something uh yeah must probably a couple days before yeah that's the problem was probably sold out that's all I could get you [ __ ] La see that little spec down there knowy Brian times you been on the floor uh almost every time yeah he's always on the floor you get in touch with me pretty good yeah Stop's on the floor too I would have had you on the floor you can't can't holler at me two days before it's probably based on that racist bit you did open something about that [ __ ] watermelon chicken I should have kept that a secret soldier that you had was a Black Fighter headlining cuz yeah dude if you ever want to go just ask me don't you don't have to drop hints on a podcast Jesus Christ I get your better seats Bill Cosby [ __ ] yeah we're going to go we're going to go see Bill Cosby if you want to go me I'm telling you I keep hearing he's really [ __ ] funny I keep hearing from a bunch of people he tells these long really funny storytelling bits I heard it from Bill Burr I heard it from uh Ian Edwards heard it Bill Cosby I heard it from Chris Rock I heard from a bunch of [ __ ] people that Cosby's [ __ ] hilarious yeah I heard the same thing I keep hearing it man I heard it from a
dude a random dude who doesn't even do comedy in Austin he goes you know what really [ __ ] surprised me he goes my friends took me out to see Bill Cosby and I was like I don't want to go see Bill Cosby man he's like 80 years old what the [ __ ] am I going to get out of this he goes dude I was [ __ ] crying last he goes for the first five minutes you go what am I getting into because he doesn't have an opening act he just goes out there and he starts talking for the first five minutes it takes a while to build up and he goes like I'm like what am I doing like what oh my God what am I [ __ ] sitting through how long is this going to be he goes then you start [ __ ] he starts tying together and you start [ __ ] laughing and then it goes deeper and deeper apparently he's been touring like you go look at his his schedule he's [ __ ] touring a lot and you look at his schedule I saw him working out a lot of that [ __ ] at the comedy seller you joking yeah he doesn't work it out at all he does it on stage but he's working imagining Bill Cosby like bumping someone at the comedy seller at midnight to work out some new [ __ ] he's still doing two theater shows a night in some places I mean he's doing a lot of shows and I think a lot he's got all those illegitimate kids to take care of he's also had a few lawsuits date rape something something yeah between long like to see put pop between lengthy phone calls to Black comics about how they're ruining the [ __ ] yes listen uh he's 100% he's flawed he's definitely flawed but my idea of it is not to connect him to what the art form that I appreciate like I appreciate guys like you guys like you Diaz I understand I don't like what he I don't like clean I'm say Donald Sterling needs the same [ __ ] decency hey that's an old feeble [ __ ] dude that America is up in arms about rather than the justice system which is really abusively racist oh yeah you know Bill Cosby Donald Sterling tour together um okay I see your point um I'm I'm look I'm can I switch headphones with Tom rad so it looks like he said that I'm not in support of anything that uh that Donald Sterling or Bill Cosby said but I think that it's tough to ignore Cosby as a Craftsman and Sterling's not that funny and I think Sterling's pretty funny when
he's trying to bang a 20-year-old and he's [ __ ] 81 I think it's funny that he pulls it off you know and he's got a buy everybody's like oh my God he bought her a Bentley and a Ferrari you have to buy him a Bentley and a Ferrari if you have a billion dollars a Bentley and a Ferrari is like buying a chick a necklace you buy her something pretty and she sucks your dick and then if you're lucky she'll do it again in 6 months but he shouldn't have missed a payment you know if if you're a billionaire guy and you're banging some psycho side [ __ ] uh you know make sure they got the payment you know what happens is these guys get [ __ ] greedy and they don't realize how much a billion dollars really is you know realize I've been that guy you can give a chick like I've been that guy where you're so desperate for a chick not to leave you that's out of your league yeah you start talking racial [ __ ] to make her feel uncomfortable that's I have said so much worse [ __ ] that's what he did he said some racial [ __ ] to make her feel uncomfortable man you know I mean I think that's what happened I mean that's what he said happened I think he's just an [ __ ] just an old [ __ ] and he didn't know that he was being recorded she came on CNN like two days later he goes I'm his silly rabbit did you see that no she came like two days later she she I'm his I'm his silly rbit he has a view of race that might be inappropriate to someone a racist doesn't hire black general managers and coaches like that yeah he's not a [ __ ] Clansman There's real racism in the world Sports people are not your [ __ ] well one thing it wasn't talked about of morality did he say it in his own house I mean you should be able to say whatever you want in your own house right that's what's kind of overwheling about it but they never said where it was recorded why why would he bring the side P these [ __ ] over you know what my team's going to be all white I'm well apparently here's the deal he said please he said [ __ ] go ahead and [ __ ] black guys uh Michael not Michael Jordan Magic Johnson magic magic Johnson is that you know what feed him [ __ ] him I don't care just please don't put pictures on Instagram yeah if that's racist well the idea is that it's racist
because he's in this great position of power people keep contacting me going you're [ __ ] a black guy it's the culture they call him did you Donald did you really buy that broad you bought her a Ferrari and look at her taking the pictures of Michael schz you know the magic magic [ __ ] everything he can you know that right magic is just constantly [ __ ] his Brad and you buying her Rolls-Royce you know want to get the AIDS honey cuz he has the eights and she's taking pictures you know what magic bought her he bought her a dick sandwich that's what he bought her I have a black girl friend and I said it's okay if you FL [ __ ] another black guy just don't put pictures on the internet so people [ __ ] with me that's a racist now that is a racist a guy with a black girlfriend that he's cheating on his wife with saying you can [ __ ] other black guys just don't put it on the internet that's racism um listen he doesn't know any better these are quotes he doesn't know any better duck Stan he doesn't know any better than to not [ __ ] a black girl if you're a racist if you're a racist Donald you get it wrong you don't [ __ ] black girls and you don't say it's okay to [ __ ] other black guys as long as you don't put it on the internet did you see that [ __ ] we talked last time we talked about it we we brought up the fact that maybe he had Alzheimer's or something like that well that's what they're trying to say now he has the early stages cancer Dem so he forgot that he's dating a black girl no well that's the whole reason why the whole uh recording was being done in the first place he can't remember the things he said so part of her job she actually works for him part of her job is that she's supposed to record his conversations so that they he can talk about things and she could bring it up what he's already talked about so he knows what he said apparently he's he's like going mental she releases the tapes Sterling thinks that's what she said he said the opposite evidently I read the transcript because I don't have cable at my Airbnb but my girlfriend pissed your bed so we're even it didn't hit the mattress it didn't I think it's a sad State it's a sad State when you you want to [ __ ]
[ __ ] on an old man who's alone in his home and everybody's going off on him everybody go I could you stick up for him he's got all this money he's an old man that wanted to get sadate when stupid [ __ ] being let off [ __ ] death row only because of the Innocence Project clearing their name because they were black they were convicted of [ __ ] and like spending 20 years in prison the justice system [ __ ] cops shooting black kids because they thought they had a gun and that's not blown up in the News That's not trending on Twitter a [ __ ] old feeble man going [ __ ] Michael Jordan or mag Johnson no I I couldn't agree more I mean obviously in in perspective but the idea is of course we're paying attention to this guy because he's a billionaire and because he owns a gigantic sports franchise and he also made a [ __ ] [ __ ] ton of money off of black people and apparently he's not happy about black people banging his side piece you know the whole thing is hilarious that it's so mild the things that he said whether it's hold on a second whether it's racist or not so mild in the context that he said it in the comfort of his own home there was no racial slurs there was nothing defamatory there's no they're less than us they're not white they're not us I heard I heard he lent Jerry West the money to buy the Lakers so that guy single-handedly is responsible for basketball in Los Angeles well he's a [ __ ] Rich dude he's super successful but he's a [ __ ] he's been a [ __ ] forever he's been racially discriminating against people that lived in his properties but so have a million other people he's he was 60 when the internet came out I'm not sticking up for the guy he ain't a great guy I'm not I'm not he ain't a great guy he's not a perfect example of what an 80-year-old person who's learned from a lifetime mistakes can be he's not he's an old billionaire he wants to get his dick sucked by some crazy [ __ ] so he talked a lot of [ __ ] and we found out about it because it it got out it was a private thing how many people out there have that grandfather SL uncle sluy that you listen to him at Thanksgiving dinner say way worse [ __ ] with like you know the epithets saying [ __ ] and [ __ ] and everything and you all just go do you want some more uh butternut squash Uncle
Harry yeah but the thing is everything's going to be recorded you there's just recording devices everywhere you can well it's an example of what we're learning we you know we're learning verywell we're going to have to just be constantly aware of what we're saying stop police stop police get out of my [ __ ] head all right closer drop the headphones and leave it's well you're voluntarily doing that by doing something like this right like for for three hours you're giving up your thoughts you know I I think there's not going to be any secrets I think the idea I think I'm going to go you one further there's not going to be any money cuz money is information and money right now is just ones and zeros on a [ __ ] website somewhere I mean that's what bitcoin's going to be that's what the money essentially that we have now that's not backed by gold that's what it is the end of secrecy will it's a bit i' I've never done enough hallucinogens to work out but the fact that it's yeah the fact that you will never have a private thought yeah there's not going to be any private inner voice ever but you know what I mean we we want to think of it as like everything that we experience in our lifetime is like a static thing that has to stay like this but it never does it never has from the the moment that some [ __ ] weird little sneaky little multi cell thing crawled out of the ocean it's never been the same everything keeps changing it's going to keep changing and what we're doing right now is we're figuring out new ways to not be able to hide [ __ ] not be able to to hide ideas not be able to hide the very thoughts in your own [ __ ] mind not just what you say when you're trying to bang your side piece and she's recording you because your mind is no that that's the new coin term because of Donald it's not the no that's been around forever it's called side [ __ ] now it's no that's only in your circle why are you so rude he's a massagist I know um he got some porn star [ __ ] at some point and all of a sudden this is just indicative of some greater Trend that's going on that greater trend is the access to information that's what it is the information whether it's information like the idea that what you say in a room is just like there's an echo and it
dies off It's Not Gon to die off anymore there's not going to be an echo there's going to be a recording and it's going to change the very Dimension that you exist in the the very world that you interface with is a completely different world now and it's because the very things that come out of your mouth are no longer temporary they're now resource they're not they're are researchable you can go back and find them you put them in a bank you hold on to them you have them on a phone you have them in a in a database in Utah because the NSA has collected all your emails there's as long as there's celebrity as long as there's a Donald Sterling that doesn't matter versus the cop who's caught on tape you know hitting a [ __ ] guy with a baton but they're getting in trouble too I mean that the guy who uh just shot that 83 year old lady the 83 year old lady 93 crazy lady had a gun screaming and yelling guy came in and just unloaded on her just pumped a [ __ ] ton of bullets into her and they're like like what are you doing you didn't just shoot the old lady once you shot her like you shot a [ __ ] dozen bullets in her direction or something crazy like that it's not it is every week and it's it doesn't make sense and it's not fair and and that is being exposed not as much as the the people like the Donald Sterlings but enough that you see a trend if you just looked at it completely objectively outside the ideas of social justice just look at it like yeah but look at it like a like a scientific observation if you look at it like that you go well yeah Mel Gibson got [ __ ] over by some crazy [ __ ] and Donald Sterling he's an old man but he's screaming I hope you get raped by a pack of [ __ ] no one saying turn in your [ __ ] sag card because they take it into account that he's a [ __ ] Entertainer and they give him a little bit slack but stepping outside of the the idea of Justice he does give black people hundreds of millions of dollars you're right like Donald Sterling who goes please don't you quantify who's better I don't think you should quantify who's better I think what I what I look at it on I I try to not think of myself being connected what would I do if I was an old crazy guy like Donald Sterling or Mel Gibson I go what's going on what's
going on is there's not going to be any secrets like you better get used to it because it's it's slowly happens with a a a TMZ tape that the [ __ ] Mistress of uh Donald Sterling releases or Mel Gibson's crazy rants his racist rants at a cop or you know whatever but when you're sitting in a cubicle and you went on a date with another guy in the office and you're typing on Facebook going he's [ __ ] he was kind of nice but he's filthy and he's has bad breath and he chews with his mouth open all of a sudden yeah now you're you're reading that on Facebook about you it's no longer TMZ about some you know celebrity now you're finding out the truth about how someone feels about you on the internet and you go oh oh my God that's how people feel about me I'm I'm just a guy in another cubicle yeah people find out [ __ ] about you without being famous you're not famous but you read oh this is my cousin just said this about me in social networking and now I know yeah no one has any secrets yeah well it's a ripple effect I mean right now it's hitting the celebrities first but it's going to it's going to go deeper and deeper into the culture this is no getting around it man it's like what what we're experiencing now is not going to be with the future the future is going to be we're going to be able to read each other's [ __ ] minds they're really close to it they're coming up with technology on a day-to-day basis that is establishing the the very steps to take to not just be able to send each other pictures or emails on a phone but to be able to do it mind to mind that's they're they're working on that that's not it's not like an impossibility it's it's an inevitability it's just a matter of how long it's going to take for the technology becomes viable they're working on it they're not going to unless we get hit by an asteroid or invaded by aliens or blow each other up in a nuclear war it's coming worst fear about reincarnation is I go I'll be dead before that happens oh wait I'll come back oh Jesus well not only that what if they come up with something that [ __ ] regenerates you what if they come up with something like this mouse thing where they're injecting young mice blood into these mice and making the mice regenerate and they're actually
regenerating brain tissue and reversing the signs of aging this is like legitimate scientific experiments they're doing on mice where they're showing that this is a a potential like thing that might work on all mammals it might not just only work on mice it might be something they could do with anybody I saw this on uh Sullivan and Son hey speaking of suiv and son if they offered that to you would you just assume like I'd rather not I'd rather [ __ ] go out and a blaze of camels and just keep it he has to [ __ ] I just gave you an opening you said before the show you need to mention son they get older their their [ __ ] prostate swell up they have the very small little bladder it's like a coin purse for a child you know what I spent so much time dealing with my prostate oneon-one that oneon-one with two fingers or one I mean you using a glove or you ra dog you snip your nails do you file down the edges are you just [ __ ] crazy just going in there ragged with a coke nail one of those [ __ ] big ones from Dracula that's a silver with a the I just tear up the inside of your [ __ ] find my prostate and it to a world of pain Hellraiser style that last Soliloquy of mine the last that evidently evidently didn't make sense to you that was the ey roll is the reason I don't do podcast by myself it makes sense eventually Joe Rogan has to frown on me and I go hey that's an hour neither one of us neither one of us are are I mean there's not no right or wrong we're both making sense you know it's like there's a bunch of different points to this whole thing you're absolutely right that it's the one of the most minor forms of racism ever where people having this massive amounts of outrage but people always have massive black girl but people have massive amounts of outrage at anything a billionaire does especially if that billionaire own of outrage at what CNN tells them to be outraged about that's too that's true too but this is one of those things where if you have a billionaire who owns a bunch of uh black people's contracts he owns a bunch of uh thank God there was a parentheses that was my tweet I go I want to buy the LA Clippers but I don't have the money but I think it would be racist to buy just
one he owns I mean he owns dou Stan if you own a team do you own the contracts I mean how do you own it I mean you own you're essentially you own the business that's employing x amount of black black people there's a lot it's interesting that that guy is like this to see how the 1% lives you know that this guy can like buy his chick a Ferrari he like he doesn't care that it's you know he loses 2.5 million what is suck Plantation a Chris the Chris Rock bit was uh there's a difference between rich and wealthy Shaq is Rich the guy that writes signs Sha's check is wealthy that's a great bit [ __ ] that's a great bit I don't even think we could wrap our heads around the idea the 1% the the real Rockefeller type money you know that's been in their circulation of their family for [ __ ] generation after generation I think it's so insane it's so decadent I mean the reason why we have these ideas about like skull and crossbones the nepotism that you know these this family [ __ ] groups that get handed down my son will be in skull and crossbones as well they all get together and they put on diapers and paddle each other and suck each other's dicks and take Polaroids of it put it in a vault in the middle of a [ __ ] Yale somewhere deep in the dungeon I mean that's because these guys have been in control of some ridiculous thing that they should have never had the power to wrap their [ __ ] greedy little fingers around billions and billions and billions of dollars with no work at all they were born into it and they're born into this and they're like this is our Legacy we have to happens on every level of society y it does it does whenever someone has like a real you're a cab dispatcher and you're going to give your friend that drinks with you the better [ __ ] Fair before everyone [ __ ] does that yeah but that's like a friendship thing there's a difference between what that is conspiracy theory naysayers yeah conspiracy theories happen on in this [ __ ] room people conspire against each other on some level right but on this guy's level why is it such a surprise to people that he looks at it like a plantation workers that these are you know his property I think a lot of billionaires have that attitude the same way you bring openers
in case Joey Diaz doesn't show up hey you know what you're lower than Joey Diaz but you're here for a reason there that's the same kind of theory as hey you work for me what wait a minute hang on someone else make that make sense cuz that does hold on a second the the you you're saying to a guy that you're less than Joey Diaz that's the same as the Donald Sterling own your [ __ ] openers you're a plantation owner you own your openers to the extent that Don Donald Sterling does oh I see I'm feel I feel terrible now oh no no I'm saying he shouldn't feel terrible he's paying the [ __ ] he's an old [ __ ] he's like he's born in a different era the [ __ ] that's what dunan trussle behind your back was a great show Joe Diaz the whole [Laughter] time oh that's funny you see you see this show John D Rockefeller is worth 340 billion not million billion dollars that's the number one richest American of number one rich but that guy's dead that's not helping him his family but John D Rockefeller when did he die uh he died in 1937 I think that's the point no one cares it's such a ball people [ __ ] with you said Tom RH I was talking to somebody a couple weeks ago and every time I mentioned someone's name the Entertainer the guy was he was on the internet and I think it's like networth.com you can punch in anybody's name and it says what their net worth is MH I looked myself up to see if it was accurate wait a minute who the [ __ ] do you talk to that does that if they do that stop talking Stern talks about it all the time like uh why I it's such [ __ ] why first of all have you checked it no why check it right now and see if it's close I don't even know I might off by a million I have my cousin check it I'm not even gonna my cousin's a cop in Florida and I drive even give it any attention but to see if it's accurate why to substantiate it who cares my point is not whether or not it's accurate my point is who the [ __ ] you tell a guy a guy who you're talking about and the guy immediately goes and checks his wor I'll tell you who cares [ __ ] you want me or V stano cares and her name's Vanessa stop saying V by the
way it's not even her name okay is a fake name she got a bunch of aliases either way but she branded herself as V stano [ __ ] you you're uh gold digging [ __ ] but we'll go with Vanessa hey she's a nice girl who has something to offer look she's not carrying logs she's not being a [ __ ] wood cutter for the the mill those guys don't want to be there either she's sucking old rich guy dick she might start appreciate a scam but when you get busted at it just say yeah it's not a scam listen in my opinion it's a no that's been around longer than any other profession she's going to inspire a lot of other young girls to Bey not [ __ ] him all the time well look the it's it's all about what they're worth look if he was George Clooney that chick would be [ __ ] him all the time but he's not he's an 81-year-old bag of meat he's an old wrinkly coin sack filled with flesh and some shitty Hollow chicken bones that barely carry his old wounded hips around his [ __ ] million doll Mansion he's an old [ __ ] okay and she [ __ ] him when she has to [ __ ] him and no more and no less and that's what the market dictates okay if it was George Clooney if it was Chuck Liddell Chuck Liddell would [ __ ] her any time he wanted to cuz he's an animal and he's alive and he's still a man this is a guy who's barely Clinging On To The Very cellular existence that he maintains in this Dimension his body's ready to tap the [ __ ] out so when she [ __ ] him is when she [ __ ] him and that's the deal you buy the Bentley you pay the Ferrari you take your [ __ ] ride and that's how the market Set uh there's nothing wrong with what she's doing there's nothing wrong with he's doing either both of them are doing fine work and then when you [ __ ] tape record that guy for no reason just to [ __ ] him over I don't think she tape recorded him to [ __ ] him over what I understand about this the story is she let the tape recording out to [ __ ] him over but part of her job was to tape record him because the D got Jes come on I she let it out and then when she went on CNN like two days later and she was on there no no no no I'm sorry she did a [ __ ] Barbara Walters interview she's going to inspire young girls all over America to be [ __ ] old guys she branding her own [ __ ] she comes out
on on Barbara Walters and she says I'm Mr Sterling's right arm right hand man it's like you [ __ ] you have one line we've taught you to say to cover this we would sheded you on this one line she had one [ __ ] line she was supposed to say for the news [ __ ] uh sound bite and she [ __ ] it up are you saying you did not look at that chick for a fraction of a second and sum her up completely knowing what a horrible [ __ ] La gold digger whatever label she was fishing him the whole time yes well no doubt but it's like my old bit about Anna Nicole Smith and her [ __ ] husband Jay Howard Marshall that billionaire guy that everybody was like no but so the idea is that well of course that's the deal you're 90 [ __ ] years old the girl young that's the deal deal she took it a Step Beyond the deal [ __ ] put Andy Andress in the mix to the point where you go okay you stepped over the [ __ ] man boundary of what the line is you don't tape me and then put that out there for no reason just to make me look like an [ __ ] after the fact yes I agree with you I think that she is a bad person no doubt about it no doubt about it but also he's a bad person and who knows what [ __ ] chaos she grew up with and who knows what [ __ ] [ __ ] he said that she didn't record who knows what the [ __ ] their relationship is but what I know is that like vultures circling Carion this is all over the news I mean this we're in the middle of two [ __ ] Wars you know Russia is invading the Ukraine we got all kinds of chaos all over the world and everybody's focusing on nonsense an old including us yeah it's the three Mark card monkey what we're talking about the Ukraine if the Ukraine had we legitim we're legitimate social commentators in this day and we count as legitimate social commentators we're doing our job to point out the the fruitlessness of this Pursuit go out tomorrow and do something nice for someone you don't know that's H some [ __ ] people have a barbecue yeah don't care don't even talk about Donald Sterling buy that cave house in Bisby so I don't move in move in take5 if we could get 52 buyers one week a year that's what I'm talking about a [ __ ] time share in a cave in I'm in for a week call it the mushroom Palace where you just go to eat
mushrooms and then just rent it out if we can make a legit deal the police department Jes redand if we can make it [ __ ] smoke cigarettes for 3 hours what are you talking about I I don't look over we make a legitimate deal that's not part of the show that's production if we can make a legitimate deal with local government just [ __ ] you know somebody we know becomes mayor and work something out uh some sort of an on it shamanic Retreat down in Bisby Arizona if you're mayor you're a Target we have a nice little underground tunnel somewhere near a cave somebody has a cave I told you the air stories I told you three of them about how yeah great Bisby is and I'll tell you the fourth one after we're off this is what we do we get someone on your death pool to be the mayor and we replace him with the most likely candidate every year so we constantly got celebrities in dying off not now but you had [ __ ] Jake lamama in your living room dude I saw the pictures not dead yet that's what I'm talking about Jake lamama as mayor of Bisby you follow what I'm saying it's perfect and then who's his vice president Wayne Newton [ __ ] somebody else is ready to [ __ ] go we we've talked about it you need to it's not the mayor it's Sher part joh or is that a fake Johnny Depp is that a real Johnny Depp who's that guy over your house see whatever whatever I'll tell you another time yeah oh [ __ ] it's a real oh [ __ ] okay so forget about Johnny Depp partying at your house let's uh you know there there's people that we could have that could be uh you know mayoral candidates work something out we got a little Utopia going on here but it's a bit of a shell game it's a bit of a shell game now mov it's it's Utopia For Me Maybe you move in all the [ __ ] vultures follow you are like it was so nice till moved in and ruined the neighborhood everybody started crossfitting all started running running up hills sandbags they all drink blood mixed ionized water and [ __ ] getting vampire blood yeah kettle bell [Laughter] bulard I like the idea met Steve Burn the other night he's a great guy I heard that Tom RH got a sitcom doesn't he a TV show that Tom Steve Burn I'm at a place now where I've met so many Comics over over the years
and I've been kind of away from them for 10 years that I met Steve Burn and I assumed I knew him and he's like so nice to meet you and I'm like don't we already know each other cuz you're so familiar and I was in a drunken State Tom saw me there this [ __ ] story just got Shady right I'm not buying this at all well it's like Amy Schumer I don't know if I assume I've met her cuz she looks familiar and now she's famous so I just assume we probably met at a festival somewhere cuz she got famous like on the sneak tip early after me like after my career she was so I go we probably met at Montreal so Steve Burn is like no I've never met you and I'm like uh i' uh maybe I'm just drunk I thought I did so I sh I saw you there yeah I ran into I saw you at the Improv and Steve Burn was there also this is what Saturday night yeah I'm screaming drinks for all my friends or whatever Steve Burn I have a lot of friends who have television shows like good friends of mine and I've never been on them Steve is a guy I know he's a friend but not like a really good friend that Saturday night you were plastered and then you left and then I was talking to him and he's when you leaveing town I'm like Wednesday he goes oh that's great we tape on Tuesdays and there's a role that would be perfect for you he goes you got a second pulls out his phone calls his executive producer gets off the phone he goes we rehears Monday and uh film Tuesday and the R I went by I went by I met him first at night I had nothing well the role was a part of a road comic that sucks as [ __ ] it's a very complicated piece back to the front desk guy blowing you from Material Jesus Christ I could have had my teeth removed how is how and scene scene this is the end this F we we ran out of time 3 hours we did a we did a 500th podcast this is wow 500 you gentlemen were the part of the 500th you ever done 500times 3 hours just to see what that I don't think it really is 3 hours cuz I think a lot of them are two but there's most of them are three the majority of them probably like 80% this is the end this is the end only friend where you going [ __ ] Asia how dare you went to Asia for a month how dare you town roads yeah no I'm going to Hawaii maybe we'll be on the same flight that makes sense they're going same direction lay over and
Honolulu where you going to Hawaii you doing gigs no mileage grab I need yeah last time I you met a front desk last time I was doing mileage grab I go through Hawaii and uh I go I just tweeted hey I'm going to Hawai set me up with a gig anyone and within like I think 12 hours it was done wow wow well and so I tried it again with the I didn't actually tweet it this time I went back to the same guy well Eddie if is there that night we got Eddie if they saw your council meeting saw that well no I'm going to see Eddie y hey there's my plug well I have some dates coming up in Seattle and Portland and [ __ ] in June go to my website but go see Eddie if in Honolulu on Saturday night see me in Soul Korea this Saturday this Saturday coming up yeah I don't know what that date is well just Google it make sure correct I'll be I'll Be Seeing Eddie if there you go ladies and gentlemen I'll in the audience happy to be there Tom Rose isore Tom r h o d s whoever the [ __ ] this original Tom rhods is that got it I don't know I remember you told me once uh you go you shouldn't use underscore no one can figure out where to find unders I had a hard time finding you I said that I don't want anyone to follow me who can't find underscore I said that about both of you recently on a podcast like why don't you have your [ __ ] audience go after Whoever has Tom roads I mean Joe rogan.com and [ __ ] just assassinate him till he gives up the website he's a nice old dude who happens to be older than me and he's been Joe Rogan longer than I have [ __ ] him he wanted to me he wanted to sell it to me but he wanted a lot of money Tom roads.com gave me Tom road.net that's glorious said all I had to do was give him free tickets for life whenever I played in Dallas that's actually he's a real estate guy in Dallas oh that's Co yours yours is a real estate guy too mine's a real estate guy real estate Boise yato kill the landlords [ __ ] property [ __ ] property [ __ ] property except for the cave house except for the cave house it only takes Bitcoins that's the shamanic Center once uh once we get the [ __ ] Raging Bull to be the mayor have the the whole rules changed that's it this uh this podcast is over this has been the 500th one we uh we thank you very much for all of it it's been a it it's ridiculous we started out in a
living room just [ __ ] around with a laptop and uh now it's become something that's completely out of our hands it's it's it's on you guys as much as it is me uh and uh I appreciate the [ __ ] out of all of you and I I can't say anything without sounding rehearsed and in in insincere but uh I couldn't be uh more honest about it you sound so Ting and Legal Zoom to me well Legal Zoom is next it's go to Legal zoom.com use the code word Rogan save yourself some money go to rogan.com save 25 bucks go to Legal Zoom and use the uh password Norm 500 episodes you dirty [ __ ] uh we appreciate that's such a wicked inside joke that if anyone gets it I'll give you a free ticket Doug Stan hope ladies and gentlemen go to Dougan hope.com and leave your feces in brown paper bags Van Dyke e yeah go visit him he doesn't believe people visit him but people please visit him just once for once in your life follow his schedule find out the days that are off email him he'll email you back show up and uh bring beef jerky we love the [ __ ] out of here we'll see you soon bye-bye much love you got something to say uh Friday uh we'll be in Vegas with Tony hinchcliff and satiana Friday Vegas go it's at a pool hall too bring your chalk chalk there is very slippery right good pool player [Music]