Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJ8Y3zrQWnc
this episode of the Joe Rogan experience podcast is brought to you by Squarespace Squarespace is a platform that allows a dummy like you or me to make their own professional website Squarespace has beautiful designs for you to start with and all the style options you need to create a unique website for you or your business simple drag-and-drop interface it's just like if you can you know send attach some pictures to an email seriously you can make a website on Squarespace it's super easy to do they also offer 24/7 support they also have a new logo creator where you can create a clean and simple logo design for yourself for your business for anything you're planning on doing they have a very simple and easy e-commerce setup very easy to start selling [ __ ] online with Squarespace it's everything that everyone has always wanted in like the the ease of use in creating a website but literally never existed before it was I hate people that correct you when you use the term literally you they've used you know they've literally now has that term is in the dictionary like it's not just figuratively like literally if you look up lit the definition of literally has changed in the actual [ __ ] dictionary so when people correct you and say actually it's not literally you go actually you need to update your [ __ ] dictionary [ __ ] because we won okay bad grammar one Squarespace go to Squarespace calm get yourself your own goddamn awesome [ __ ] website and for a free trial and 10% off your first purchase go to squarespace.com and enter the code Joe that's a free trial and 10% off your first purchase Squarespace is the [ __ ] Squarespace I didn't get the space outright seriously a really good way to make websites and you don't need to hire anybody anymore that day is over look at this awesome logo I made for you Joe boom eat Dickie oh look at how easy did that how's that take you to do like one second exactly that's my new logo it's an elk and it says eat Dickie oh I'm not sure about the bottom part everything else [ __ ] I'm on board we're also brought to you by Annette calm that's onn IT if you have never been to on it before on it is a human optimization website we basically sell [ __ ] that makes your body and your brain
work better whether it's strength and conditioning equipment like battle ropes and kettlebells weight vests ab wheels medicine balls things along those lines things for functional strength or whether it's foods like the new warrior bar that we just started selling it's by the same folks that made the tonka bar and what it is is an ancient Native American recipe for a Buffalo jerky bar that is very healthy like it has no antibiotics no hormones gluten free no nitrates no artificial flavors no artificial colors and you get 14 grams of protein and every serving 4 grams of fat in every serving this and there's nothing bad in it like there's there's no nitrates no soy no MSG isn't nitrite what makes your dick hard though I think that's nitric oxide Sun you should not be a chemist I think a drug or Joe Rogan I think that with my propane and my other stuff that get my hair in anyway honored calm use the codeword Rogan and you'll save 10% off any and all supplements the controversial supplements like shrimp export new mood what these are essentially if you go to any of those various items any of the various things that we sell there's a lot of science behind all of the stuff there's a research button you click on it you can find all the research that's behind on its supplements whether it's alpha brain which we've actually run our own clinical trial results and those are also posted online they were able double-blind placebo trial on the efficacy of alpha brain and it got positive results and we're in the middle of a second trial now which is much larger and much more extensive ice also point out that the the trial the the positive results were exactly half of the dose that I take it's two pills for these [ __ ] crazy cuz I'm a renegade I can't be [ __ ] with is this girthier Charro gonna be more bigger dose um no it's not no the two pill dose is the recommended dose but did it help you thinking you might help see it helps your memory it helps clinically proven so far that's the weird thing that memory though I never know whether mine's going because I've forgotten the things that I can't remember that's true I think I remember everything but obviously I don't know what I've forgotten it's whether or not you're trying to pull it up I'll give
you some alpha brain you'll run your own Jim Jefferies clinical trial Rogan doc go on accom use the code word Rogan save 10% oh and an IT coordinator [ __ ] yourself Jim Jefferies is here while I [ __ ] around and play games [Music] experience [Music] Nick Diaz yeah so that never leaves that will stay on you had a question about Elvis these are all mug shots you got on your wall here yeah and you've got an Elvis mug shot day I wear a t-shirt often with the Sinatra mug shot I got that one that has it framed in my house that's a good one what was he down for there it was uh what is the word adultery no it wasn't adultery it was so shagging a guy's wife yes it was shagging a guy's wife but the word that they use seduction that's the word that it says on the actual mug sheet that's right that that photo of Sinatra that mug shot he looks better there than I've ever looked in any photo in my life where professionals have taken it and there's like a thousand photos and yeah he'll look like [ __ ] well did you notice how little he was yeah the mug shot phone I think it says a 125 pounds yeah you 125 or one he was only a slight fella yeah but also we even talked about Elvis we go in Elvis at the end he was fat that was was fat he was like 220 pounds I'm like sitting at a cruisee 211 at the moment I go down for I go down up to about 215 I go down to about 195 and I go through that spectrum my whole life ray but Elvis was by today's standards Tuesday he was alright yeah that's what I look like now that's at the very end he was anywhere between 220 and 230 but what was the magnitude 20 or 230 well he was probably shorter than me I was 6 foot 1 so I get a little bit of leeway he's probably about 510 Elvis yeah how tall was 5 what was Elvis god damn II got fat that buddy was dead like a year later yeah he was on his way out he died at my sister's birthday I'll never forget really he died the year I was born I always liked the fact that I was alive when John Lennon and Elvis Presley were life apparently the picture was taken just for fun all the other microchip so he never went to prison for you know Elvis was a law enforcement nut
and the picture was taken just for fun it's according to one site on the internet because that could have been when he went to visit the FBI and we visited Nixon on top of stuff because he was there he was there he visited Nixon for the war against drugs yeah it's hilarious yeah against the Beatles my own these Beatles hey we're all doing drugs and we're gonna stop at my own he was apparently arrested while in the 1950s for speeding yes but that was before he made it well when did he make it about 1954 I would have been around that era Sun Records noise well that would be him then that would be like right as he made it he was speeding yeah early 20s 18 year old speeding in their car we all got those I remember the first time I caught speeding I was 16 and I just didn't have the money so I thought if I broke down in tears the cop and the worst thing is my brother is a cop and he reported it to my brother and then my brother tased me in the near future but probably these do awful things as a cop about it my brother is a named Danny Nugent I think that's a bad to say you should remember the riot squad now and I got I was driving home and at 17 which is still not a legal age to drink in Australia and I'm driving home and I had two beers now it would have been under the limit but still I'm not even allowed to have two beers in me because I'm 17 right I get pulled up I get breathalyzed the guy goes please breathing the tube and I said my brother was a sergeant at that stage and I was like go you know Danny Nugent you know Tony Nugent does uh you know it's right I think you guys know I never heard of him right so he goes up to his vehicle he's there for like 15 minutes I'm just sitting in the car just panicking now he comes back out and he goes step out the vehicle is there a problem anything over just step out of the vehicle right now as I step out he cuffs me and smacks me under the bonnet of the car right and I start oh Jesus Christ like this right and then I hear my brother laughing on the radio like he's actually gone back to his car radio the station talk to my brother and he says get his [ __ ] out of him you know and I mean because it's cops and the guy I was just joking with you I'm wiping kids
away from I was like good joke guys well done thanks but you know I still had one more line of defense and it's mum went and told mum on him how'd it go what does your mom do well my mom was still angry because I shouldn't have been drinking to begin with and bla bla but I still got in trouble for that but yeah it's it's now he's like he's in the SWAT team so he's like the guy who you know [ __ ] where's the helmets and swings him in the machine gunner but Jesus Christ and the thing is for the longest time my parents were so like oh your brother's the cop was like the most upstanding job you could have in our family and so my brother became a weapons training before he's in the SWAT team so he would learn different holds and restraints and stuff like that there was many a Christmas where I'd stand there and then my brother would go yeah we've we've been traveling over to America we've learnt some new holds from the American cops and we learnt one where we can basically restrain the person until their whole shoulder goes numb and they cut it like this right and then my mum guys do it on Jim why are you doing this to me okay then he comes up and grabs like I said touch me you guys see how he's resisting mum see how he's resisting always in with me with my [ __ ] head in the Chevy nice shag Paul just got crying again yeah and mom man your mom sold you down the river I would think that mom's the last thing they would see wanna see is one son torturing the other side I know she because my father wasn't much of a physical disciplinarian my mother was very keen on using my oldest brother as as the muscle when we got too big how would your oldest brother well I was about seven years older than me oh that's a big gap and then having another brother that's five years older than me oh geez hands why you're funny and I was meant to be a girl because my mom that's really wanted to have it have a baby girl so she gave it one more go and then when I didn't come out a baby girl she didn't and wrap the blanket for the first four days for the first month she'd never unwrapped the blanket cause she didn't wanna see my genitals and she didn't hold me for the first four days well she went to such depressed and over having another boy and then she got
really passionate about collecting porcelain dolls so there was four men living in a house in his house that was just filled with [ __ ] creepy dolls there remembering the others when you can put something on top of your TV that was sort of a joy like you'd go go-karting you'd beat your brother and you had the first trophy so for a week you'd put that on top of the TV because you know he'd constantly be looking at it and igell his [ __ ] out of him those days are gone right but my mother would always have like a different porcelain doll or maybe like a I could porcelain clown juggling one of those little statuettes Oh something something very upsetting would always be looking at you while you were trying to enjoy a Betamax version of Star Wars where did you find out about the not being helped she she told me she tells me all the time that she always wanted she didn't even have a boy's name ready to go like she was just and you didn't wanna have the ultrasound she didn't want to know it wasn't that [ __ ] is wrong with people when it comes to wanting the gender so badly my mom is like she's a super effeminate woman where she would have been a good like my pet like I'm not a good-looking guy but my parents would have made her a rendus looking woman like it would have been just a chin less pale thing just just with thin wispy hair it wouldn't have been a good-looking girl a boys the best thing they could have hoped for with the [ __ ] piece that's been pissed into my gene pool already from the difference so I got a great story about but women don't see that I've got a the cost is if you're a woman and you're surrounded by men I think my mother's 300 pounds and she thought she I don't know if whether the intention was to make a hot chick I don't know if that was what she just wanted to make a girl but I got a story that I I don't want to tell because in front of my girlfriend cuz it will upset her because I will make my life a bit harder and I don't want to tell her that I'm on any tonight shows anything so I'll tell her here but I just did a zombie movie in Australia which isn't anything to do this story but I was in Australia and so I'm in Australia my parents drive to Canberra where we were at on the weekend to spend a day with me and fern I found some
appearances in six months or something so I'm spending time with my mum and dad now back in the early nineties my father was getting closer to retirement and then he found a credit card because my mother took care of the money found out that she had run up $90,000 worth of bills which meant my dad had to work an extra sort of eight years past retirement to pay these all off and she'd kept it all secret okay so now my parents have got to retirement they own the house and they just get a pension of like Australian government gives each person like $300 a week pension which is like 260 American right so my parents live off that and then but my father takes care of all the money he pays all the bills and he bounced the books because my mum can't be trusted when it comes to shopping and so I'm talking to my parents my mom goes all I want is my half of the money his half of the money and then will he can have his half of the money we'll split the bills and then I can do what I want with my money but instead I'm given an allowance because I'm not responsible everybody I said mum you can't take care of the money ma'am you can't cuz you'll [ __ ] it up you'll go online you've you found internet shopping now you'll [ __ ] it up you'll get rid of you'll lose everything get more credit cards you'll be terrible and she goes oh I'm not the problem with money anymore your father's the one that spends all the money now we're in a public bar by the way there's many people sitting around us it's a very public open area your father's the one who spends all the money now and then she points my dangos tell him tell him what you spend your money on and I've already clicked what this might be and I've gone oh look I don't want to know I don't want to know and then what mother goes your father gets prostitutes right and I've gone oh just shut up both of you please God and she's gone yeah every Wednesday your father before he goes to play lawn bowls goes off and gets himself a prostitute and then my dad went not every Wednesday not every Wednesday makes you sounds like at least three out of four Wednesdays he takes a week off every now and again yeah like it cost him in Australia money for a very cheap prostitute it's legal in Australia in a brothel maybe a hundred
bucks for a pretty low end sort of girl or Robin tag power so he went to a place to get it done he didn't no no it's not like here where you got to go to a hotel and on top of stuff there's just brothels and there they're very legal they're very well signposted and stuff it's not it's not such a big deal in Australia it's actually makes it a bit safer if anything because the girls have to get tasted have to bring their results in all the time and they're playing definitely makes it safer it's like everything else as soon as the government says it can't be a legal when it's something that people really enjoy doing Louis doesn't want substantially of course does I don't begrudge my dad for doing this I just don't want to hear about my mother they're in their 70s my mom is morbidly obese my dad's still quite fit of course he wants to get his end away sometimes is in the way there's a book called sex at dawn by this guy dr. Chris Ryan I do a podcast with him once a month and he basically goes over in great detail like what what is the root cause of you know the reason why men want to breed with more than one woman why is why is marriage do so poorly why does so many people want to stray it's genetic it's a hundred percent genetic if you could squash that with robot [ __ ] dolls or prostitution that's legal like whatever you have that's non relationship-based you can somewhere ruining anyone else's life you're just getting some sex that's it only sex what would are prostitutes over in Australia are they thought of differently than prostitutes here like is it not that big of it's not as big of a deal they are thought of then they're not like given a load of respect or anything it's not like like it was like in Germany in Holland and stuff is really not a big deal you know but no it's it's still kept fairly you know that the clubs are called things like the big one in Melbourne is called The Daily Planet and it looks like it looks like the front of the Daily Planet from Superman with the big globe that's in Melbourne that's in Melbourne that's where that's the brothel I went to when I took my friend with muscular dystrophy to the brothel which is what my TV show legit which is on Wednesdays and FXX at 10:00
p.m. we need ratings but every eight that was the whole basis of my TV show I was taking a disabled go to a brothel yeah Wow this season incidentally talking about my dad my father will be played by George Lazenby who was James Bond for one movie George Lazenby why do I know that name he was James Bond no that's not why I know it's actually there's a Paul Lazenby who's a mixed martial arts commentator all George George isn't related yeah Lazenby's were coming why do I know that George is just George did one James Bond film was booked to do seven and then he told him to [ __ ] off after after Sean Connery because he went ah this this this franchise isn't gonna go on for too long because it was 1970s like everyone launched like long long hair and beards no one wants to look like this [ __ ] idiot from a bank and he told to [ __ ] off and he never was really in a movie again you can't tell him to [ __ ] off when they ask you to be James Bond he was a male model never acted before really he just eat his wrench straight into it he's like he's got some [ __ ] stories mess em no no if you if you pull up a picture of the guy if you are if you've towards ladies and I see the character you'll see like like now he's he's mid seventies but like in his day he was the number one male model on earth in like 1969 the number one male model on earth any was from the country town in Australia there is a handsome bastard a beautiful genetic it's got that 1970 handsome thing going on – all that back up that's like that wouldn't really fly today yeah it's like they have poor nutrition they're eating [ __ ] well everyone was sort of short he's like six foot four he's sort of you know like yes I live a bubblehead motion going on and a big dimple in his chin yeah but like look at his face there's almost something about his face like pulled that picture up again oh it's like the good looks in the 80s were different people like Molly Ringwald wouldn't rule now pull the same picture up go back to that picture there's like there's something about this guy and I don't know if it's his style of hair but that's not a guy from today but you know what I mean like in 2014 okay what who is how old is he about 37 38 years old in this photo this is no know if he's 70
now this is 19 set that's 1969 when that film was made uh-huh so he's probably 24 or something like what yeah but back in the day everyone was smoking and drinking and it was you all looked a little bit more leathery put that picture back up look with it look at look at it like if you saw that photo and said where is this guy from like what time is this he would say like the 70 what is that there's like something about his [ __ ] face like that's not a guy that was born after you know 1920 or something like that you know I mean this is a weird thing that they have like oh he looks like a guy from this like Burt Reynolds in his prime yeah the guy doesn't exist today no no we're all we're all slightly changing something in the first I think that women's faces in the 80s were rounder oh I think you're right moon phases yeah they were that or that was deemed to be a good look and we now shun the moon faced woman the moon faced woman in the 80s was a thing yeah is it a weight thing it's a weight thing right I don't know but you guys know like that's a that's a real issue for women to get so skinny that they lose like the roundness of their face like they want to have like like sculpted cheeks yeah quarter moon what is he gonna do now that he's retired doing a lot of comedy apparently I'm not doing a lot of shows at the comedy magic club because he should do every Sunday night he used to try out his monologue I mean they're actually xxx I was just there I'm doing probably like one or so every month do the the Sunday nights cuz he sees on the road now he's just doing comedy is he a good stand up by Jimmy let me tell you something at one point time he was thought of and it's it's it's tough to judge because you got to judge it based on the fact that this nineteen seventy and everything from nineteen seventy eight doesn't hold up yeah like a few movies except for him there's a few movies but like television shows for example try to watch television show from the 70s they're very very dated yeah so his comedy it's hard to date it just like Lenny Bruce I always can see that he's the most important standup ever but I don't want to watch them I don't want to listen to yeah I've tried I sit down and listen to the tapes and I try it
it's too too alien a time not us you know we were too free you know what then you can get like from the IDS you can still enjoy people probably you can still watch yeah I'm Kennedy you can still watch things change considerably though I think in from the 1960 I can watch the nineteen seventies Cosby yeah yeah you can still yeah well he's a master you know he's a really a master wordsmith and a master storyteller but it's also he he was dealing mostly that I at that stage at I got a wife and young kids mrs. Howard ease and that stuff always sticks around your political guy it always dates very horrible yes that's so true or if you're talking about society and how this is [ __ ] up and that is [ __ ] up that doesn't you know this it's interesting culturally to go back and listen to some [ __ ] where people were complaining about you know like Lenny Bruce has some stuff where he's complaining are politicians it doesn't doesn't make you laugh though no you know but anyway Leno it's hard to say when you look at his stuff now because it just seems so pedestrian but I think that back in the 1970s Lenny Leno was a [ __ ] the reason I say is cuz all the comics say it yeah yeah they all they're all the guys who knew him back then go he was a bad [ __ ] he was he was the legit comic he was really good he was the guy in the club that everyone went he's he yeah came down who's a hard worker but then somewhere along the line he stopped writing this is kind of interesting like he would go to he would do shows I couldn't do the same show the next year go back at the same place next year verbatim every joke from beginning to the end and like the people in Edmonton I was in Edmonton and they were like we want to see him he he did another said and like play some of this from the United States that's funny because in America coal have to apologize for that when I can't I have I've had is about two weeks went to the hospital over here when they large hospitals in California don't want to say the name just shows you a health care is in this day this is absolutely true I went in man charge me $40 gave me some pills to take and on the way out of the dock my throat is still really sore do you think I should have my tonsils out then this man is a specialist and
I'm showing the best hospitals in California says they knew well what do you think [Music] how dare you shut the [ __ ] up Jay Leno everybody told me he's great you shut the [ __ ] up – imagine if I came in to you and before the podcast I say I said Joe I want your opinion and you ran that buzzer and then I wait and then the GAR guys what do you think and then there was Steve Martin that's the beginning of a beat that's what the beginning of a rant like what do I think [ __ ] isn't this yeah yeah then we'll it would be a bit that would be the bit it wouldn't be it was a set up for a bit Steve Martin was still funny yeah it was brilliant and that was this is from the same year and I bet you it blows all that away well his he was very different you know Steve Martin was one of the most uniquely original like on stage performance I can't believe he brought up so many see I'm recording yeah and not actual video like he's such a visual act yeah to go I'm gonna have an arrow on my head and put this onto a cassette well that was one of my what I was gonna say about Jay Leno is Jay Leno stopped putting things out he doesn't do anything it doesn't do an HBO special won't do a Showtime special doesn't do anything have you noticed like there's no body of work there's like one thing he did for Showtime like in the early 1980s and I used to have it on a VHS cassette but after that nothing and you know when they asked him I was like I gave him my big year ago my whole Act already knew it no you give it to them and this guy's gonna make me millions of dollars yeah yeah is that it – like his act was like he's just real old-school in that respect like those guys they thought about if they did an HBO special they didn't think oh this is just gonna get my comedy out to more people they'll enjoy it it'll get more people to come see me know it was like I'm gonna give them I'm gonna sell my aunt and then I can't do my act and if I can't do my act I'm losin all right I try to do a DVD every sort of 18 months or so and then yeah I retire the material as soon as I've done it we all do that now I think I think that's the new era I mean once the internet came along I think that's mandatory you know George
Carlin always did it and then louis c.k started doing it and telling people that he did it and then you start looking around who all the people that do it like burr does it you do it you know Ari does it it's it's one of those things now I think that kind of everybody it's expected yeah I think I I also now I don't do I won't do stand-up on television for four minutes I won't either good for you yeah [ __ ] like I just I just knocked back doing Fallon for that and they're like like not anything special like but if I can be a guest on a show like I'm doing Kimmel next week or whatever that's fine but I don't want to burn four minutes like I put on to an actual special well not only that it's not your act yes it doesn't translate well over four minutes no one knows and I feel like The Tonight Show culture in America the late-night show culture in America [ __ ] up a lot of comedians for a very long time because they come over to Europe and they look at all the British accent oh Jesus you all your stories are so long-winded and I tell them stuff where everyone over here seemed to for a very long time trying to make a snappy five minutes and that's not where it's at in the long term you're totally right it ruined Boston Comedy there's a whole special a whole documentary to this guy France Alameda who is a Boston comic did about it called when stand-up stood out and it's all about Steven Wright making it Steven Wright getting on was it Letterman did Steven Wright get on Letterman or Tonight Show whichever one it was even the Letterman or Tonight Show the documentaries excellent but it shows how everybody changed that they all started doing clean material they're all start trying to get on television so like when am I gonna get [ __ ] picked up what's going on when is this gonna happen to me this is the documentary it was nothing was like being on an island and the only thing there was was trying to make the audience laugh to the city by storm and without even knowing it ignited the biggest stand-up revolution ever [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] that was like the beginning of thinking there's a big future today
critics called what stand-up stood out hugely entertaining and hilarious and have voted it one of the greatest stand-up movies of all time comedians would just like rock stars I quit doing coffee official selection of the Montreal Comedy Festival and winner of the telluride Independent Film Festival great movie but the point being yummy look amazing huh that was when he was when he he was pretty revolutionary man hey Stephen Wright came along nobody was like him before he came to see me at Caroline's and with these publicists or something like that and you know after just showing you DVDs and signing and doing photos and stuff from that foyer and he waited in line with everyone and he came and bought a DVD inside you guys I thought you were great like that right and I was like who is this kind of like but he's just like he's just like an old guy in a baseball all right and I went Stephen Wright anyway yeah yeah yeah and then I went you've been standing next to all these comedy fans and no one noticed him it's the beard right yeah baby but it's also the Hat but you wouldn't expect him to queue up if he went to the front of the line and said hello people would have noticed him because he stood there so Inca Nino and did it and then I went [ __ ] everyone that was Stephen right and then all the people who were waiting to take a photo with me chased after no one it took a photo with me after that abort need I was in the middle of having a conversation with Robin Williams at the improv and I didn't realize it was Robin Williams until halfway in the conversation I thought he was just some dude who came to the I wanted to talk to me after the show and he's talked to me about the the dolphin bit that Dolph the eating mushrooms and or eating a pot brownie I went on a boat and I just life-changing experience in Hawaii playing with dolphins but and I'm telling the story on stage and Robin Williams comes up to me and he's he's talking to me about the pin we're talking and I'm like I was just this cool dude this is [ __ ] Robin Williams [ __ ] he's a tiny little fella but it was just it was a bizarre thing like in the middle of the conversation I'm just going oh thanks man thank you
whoa I have a theory on why actors in some comedians a super short in comparison to the general populace need for attention yeah it's just I was at the Fox with the TV show there's a party they have for Fox for everything that's Fox related where every star of every show has to show up it's in your contract you have to be there right and all the reporters go around talk to you so so people like this famous people and then there's like Jennifer Lopez walked in and then all the famous people like wow there's a real famous person you know but then I was saying this like like Keith the Sutherland was like looked like he was five foot nothing to me really yeah he was a big guy cuz he plays Jack Bauer you think he's a big guy and then Martin Freeman was that cuz he's in now the new Fargo and he's a itty bitty Lou Fargo they have a Fargo TV show now yeah FX to bring it out it's got it's got Billy Bob Thornton and Martin Freeman Kate Walsh is in it holy [ __ ] who is doesn't have anything to do with the Coen brothers uh it's if I don't know if it's great but it's being reviewed through the roof people saying it's not guys think it's coming out in like 16 days oh that's beautiful oh that's I [ __ ] love that movie that's one of my all-time favorite comedies yeah because there's no jokes in the entire [ __ ] thing yeah it's just [ __ ] up after [ __ ] up after you know just it's a completely character driven thing that car sales from the failure car salesman that [ __ ] everything up what's that cat's name the guy was in shameless that's ad so the the billboard the place they got the bus stop so she's like a knitted [ __ ] rug it's pretty cool uh what is that guys what's that guy's name who is on that shameless show on HBO or on Showtime the guy plays the lead yeah he's in Mystery Men as well yeah shovel yeah bill Macy Yeah right William each pacing very much pace he's a very nice guy I met that guy when I was on Newsradio he's super friendly very very friendly guy is he short though I'm sure it's hard to tell it seems giant to me everything is everything in this world is just like so I'm pleased to have been is everything is just people trying to
pick up chicks because that's why you're getting to anything like not in the long-term but in your young ears in your teens it's just about how can I meet women how can I make me so if you're at school and you're a good-looking guy then that's your way of meeting women if you're just a really good-looking guy and if you're really good at sport that's your way but if you're short you better be [ __ ] funny or if you're not good-looking you better be funny or if you're not funny and you're all those things then you better learn how to do a Shakespearean monologue in [ __ ] drama class something you better have some that all makes you stay a little thing that's different from everybody else so I think that's why all the actors I think because all the actresses are tall some of them are there's a lot of short – Nicole came in she marries Tom Cruise he's itty bitty fella he's not as itty bitty as everybody says it's sort of like the Polian thing her new husband's really small well you know Napoleon wasn't really a short guy I didn't know that British propaganda Oh William was actually taller than the average person at the time really yeah yeah well it wasn't tall compared to today he's like five six yeah but back then everybody was [ __ ] they were really tiny right so that was saying he's four yeah but Tom Cruise apparently I've talked to people who met like I've met Sylvester Stallone he's not that small everybody would say supposed loans only five six he played rocky in the movies he was a heavier he's not five sex I met the guy he's at least 510 maybe taller maybe he's wearing some [ __ ] in his shoes I don't know but I'm 5/8 I don't want any [ __ ] in my shoes and I said where I'm standing like right next to guy and he's taller than me I met Ben Kingsley and he's like the opposite they try to make him look small or in film it was a reasonable-sized Garbett whenever you say mean from they try to make him look like a little tiny menacing black well when Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise did that vampire movie together yeah Tom Cruise walked on like a platform around him so they were like similar Heights so like everywhere they walked when they were you know doing the thing like Brad Pitt is essentially walking in a ditch that man may not be true I was in there when I was filming
it might be it might be just total Richard Gere dribble in the ass propagation on my TV show I found it weird when this season I get to kiss two girls and one girl was like five foot tall and one girl was six foot tall well it definitely looks better when you're kissing a six foot tall girl really yeah because like I'm the same height as I you just have to turn your head and you like but went over sudden you're kissing a real short person yeah and you're hunched over right it doesn't look cool on film yeah that's why they like you to pick them up put them up in the air I'm a tall weak person I can't do that we all have our limitations oh is this the actors okay so danger veto suit each is super small yeah he's five foot and then I think he's under Jake Fox is just a 5 foot 4 same with Emilio Estevez then you go up to the Woody Allen's and they're just Emilio Estevez is 5 foot 4 I yep see how do I know they're not making this up though Woody Allen's taller than Emilio Estevez for real yeah Woody Allen's 5 foot 5 yeah he's only a little fella in Jack Black I passed him yesterday at the airports and no one is bothering him you wonder why I think he was wearing his neck pillow he was covering up a lot of his face he had it like with a little velcro strap around his neck he just looked like a schlumpy sort of guy who had to get his fly and he didn't look like a movie star I'll tell you that much that's a good move in the neck pillow because no one if you don't want people talking to you wear a neck pillow because there's that extra step that they have to take like is that [ __ ] guy wearing a neck pillow and then they decided not to talk to you yeah it looks like you're obviously ready for a sleep so you don't want to be bothered do we bother someone who wants to sleep it's very good point rude people type of people that bother you while you eat yeah you get people to come up to what you eat after you got a hey I don't want to I don't want to interrupt you but don't interrupt you yeah you do you do want to interrupt me you feel bad about it I want to interrupt you but I feel bad about it is what you should say yeah they're just trying to find a way to be
not rude while they're being road you know they're not even being rude I understand it people want to say hello sir especially than just saying the show if you're eating and you're mouth full of food yes that's where I draw the line like when you're sitting down the eat when you're with your friends and people come over to the table like if everybody did that it would be [ __ ] chaos like there's a certain amount of you know a privacy yeah a person should or just peace that a person should be able to get and while a person is eating their meal that's where I draw the line well how how are you happy with your limit like you're more famous than me right I'm mildly famous you're famous famous and then there's the next you don't want to go there you don't want to go I don't think I think I think I'd like to go up to about where you are and then stop even back it down a little you try to back it down a little it's like so at the moment I get stopped I would say four times a day and three of those people would just say hey Jim and then that's great and that's great and then there'll be one person I'll take photos and that's no problem and that's where I'm at right now but I'm not at the stage where I can ring a restaurant up and go Jim Jefferies needs a table and they'll [ __ ] find a table mm-hmm because mice the population doesn't know who I am so I'm not I would like that because I liked it I'm lazy with my reservations that's what I would like to get to table restaurant tables yeah restaurant tables helps if you were a club hopper and you wanted to get to I got a little kid you know I might club up again it may be later on in life but I can't now there's no Club at the moment I'm just [ __ ] daycare guy like like I'll tell you my okay I'm silent rameshwar lose weight again so I started going back to the gym so I got a gym and there's a daycare at my gym where I can take my son and just drop him off and there's like two ladies in their 50s that just sort of worked behind the counter and one of my son who's 16 months i'll just [ __ ] loves one of these like as this old Asian lady and he he lights up when he sees her and she loves him she'll be playing with other kids and when she sees my son she'll just drop what she's doing and just go Hank and
then she says the same thing every time she'll go there's my boyfriend here is pass me my boyfriend my boyfriend gives me kisses and then she starts kissing him all over the face right then guys enjoy your workout now walk off now I can't do that with a baby girl I can never go there's my girlfriend my girlfriend gives me kisses now give her here enjoy your workout why is that why is that so I don't want to do that mind you I'm not I'm not fighting for the freedom to do this in the near future I just think it's a very odd I have a whole bit about it yeah there's no sexual equality and child molesting there's a there's a commercial I don't know if you ever seen the commercial word is just for men baby it was a bit just romantic some [ __ ] that old dudes put in their beard yeah yeah it's going great there's a baby with a beard he's driving a Porsche with a grown woman next to him and the baby goes to the club and he's dancing all these women are running around kissing them and my what I'm saying is in that bit is there's no sexual equality and Thomas and you couldn't make that same commercial with the sexes reversed look at this she's got a grown woman the baby gets out of the car look at the bouncer he recognizes him he points the finger at oh my god it's you you [ __ ] goes in there and he's got a bottle look he's got a bottle just in case you thinking well maybe it's a little eccentric [ __ ] so he's doing his little dance and look surrounded by [ __ ] and a couple of gay dudes just wish they could get him turn over this baby is the [ __ ] and if you switch the sexes if you had a bunch of dudes with Tarzan loincloth swinging [ __ ] like that's baby face height to vagina that baby's dancing around well China's right oh so that's just a dad that's making fun of something it's a comedy of commercial it's meant to be a joke but even in real life I don't know about you but whenever you hear like there's a guy who's been molesting the [ __ ] school the the the the volleyball team yeah you always get that [ __ ] creep right back but then as soon as you hear there's a female teacher they had sex with thirteen-year-old boy you always go alright I'll have to see the photo of this woman first and then if the woman's
kind of hot you like they're all right there I can see where he you know I don't even blame the kid I'm like look I would ever plan to keep it I'm like yeah I don't know if you had a bad time yeah is that wrong no it's not wrong at all what I say every teacher in my school who I would have loved to have [ __ ] when I was 13 course I used to masturbated to her all the time there's nothing wrong with it if she's hot that's what people need to accept there is something wrong with the man the difference is a man can molest a thirteen-year-old girl a woman can't molest a thirteen-year-old boy she could just let him [ __ ] her yeah they're two different things yeah and they say that women develop faster they do they do in a lot of ways they just they're not a lot of [ __ ] early yeah they can't enjoy it they can't enjoy it at 13 there's something really creepy about a man [ __ ] a 13 year old but if you found out your son got caught you know with the teacher bent over the desk and he's banging her yeah you [ __ ] be really kind of proud of him yes it wouldn't be like you shouldn't do that but alright it's funny like Paul Walker when he died he they found out that he had a girlfriend for like eight years or something and when he started dating her she was 16 he was 34 yeah right and then on the TV but then it's like that weird thing that when their celebrity that even in the Entertainment Tonight we're like but she was very mature and she and you're like no no no no no statutory right then you can't just change the rules because the guy's dead now first of all I ain't no disrespect but how good must have [ __ ] a been where a 34 year old movie star yeah it's freaking out about a 16 year old good if you can pull a picture oh [ __ ] it might not be a good thing I mean yeah oh yeah she might have had a she might have been dynamite this month at voter [ __ ] yeah yeah those girls where other girls are like there she's there yes pretty much that 24 is something before she but I don't I don't begrudge him [ __ ] a 16 year old girl in the sense that you can see some 16 year old girls where you going it's legal in the UK and Australia it's not like it's I I understand wanting to have sex the fully developed 16 what I don't get is him dating her pulled up that picture
again does that is an odd picture man she's like well she's in her 20s there yeah this is like when she's like they've been dying for seven years or something you know I hate the idea of look I have daughters yeah first the first thing I'm saying is this is not something I'm really entertaining but I hate the idea that if two people really do love each other and for whatever reason they're perfect together it can't happen because the guy is 30 and the girls 16 come on the girl I agree which he has to die Taff you guys like the chat I agree with you I I was devastated when the guy lost my virginity to its 16 broke up with me and I thought I'd never find love again and I haven't since really but I've enjoyed a lot of different women since then the thing is that's creepies not the sex it's the conversation after sex it's the fact that he laid there with her afterwards and went PowerSchool I ain't good guys what do you been up to and he's like I made a movie it's a very good movie but it's got a lot of swear words so you can't see it because you should listen to swear words yeah that's a good point man that is the one thing that's a good point I think that you know he should be able to [ __ ] do whatever he wants he's a good-looking guy I mean he should be able to I mean he should be able to date anybody who wants to date him as long as that person is old enough to make their own choice the real question is when when is the age that you're old enough to make that choice is it 16 is it 17 is it 18 well it's 16 in the rest of all but it's 18 oh geez 18 in America so we mean so in that sense yeah he broke the law but just because some shits written down on paper obviously doesn't mean it makes sense and also we know that he broke other laws such as speeding well it wasn't like this guy was somebody else killed him he didn't drive that car I felt sorry when when he died and all that type of stuff there's a lot of deaths all at once the and I felt really sorry for the guy that made the in memoriam thing for the Oscars every night he must have sat down and gone alright okay the Oscars are coming Paul Walker the music ends beautiful I go to bed wakes up in the morning I can Philip Seymour Hoffman
alright Philip Seymour Hoffman the end and then like you reads the paper I thought Shirley Temple was already dead this is [ __ ] for sure she was dead to put Shirley Temple in the end Harold Ramis it was just [ __ ] ongoing until the day he had to make that video that guy James Reb Horne who played Carey's dad on homeland he died I did a did a pilot with that kind of homeland you don't see that show homeland I do what time lane it plays Harry's dad she plays that the father of the the main chick the chick that's off the warhead occasion honor the daughter yes well the the dad the British guy who played the lead in homeland no no not that guy the other one Carrie Carrie is the crazy CIA agent oh that's a great guy really really really nice guy I'm still upset with Fred Phelps toy twin Phelps to me is if you know he's the wept as Western Baptist Westboro Baptist Church guy who used to protest gay people's funerals soldiers funerals because he believed the war started because we were too nice to gays he's got a good point yeah what this is my this is my thing I I i I'm an atheist and I'm also a very non homophobic person in the sense that I I wouldn't even care if my son was Gabe's long you just have I'm of that opinion when it comes to homosexuals but he was Fred Phelps was possibly the most way out there religious person we've had in a very long time where he actually had decisions like are the war started must be because of the gays and they decide it was gospel right but what if he was the only bloke on that was right like he gets to heaven and then God's like you're the only one who got me and then and then like God sitting up there you guys where's everyone else you guys well no one else you were the only person that followed it to the [ __ ] team and everyone else is in hell and until him just sitting there and God just didn't frege's [ __ ] a concert and they guard guys damn straight and they fist pump or something I don't know like if if his beliefs were real then he's yelling like getting into heaven is the point I might well the problem is his beliefs aren't anywhere they're not written anywhere yeah but he's decided to believe the Pacific well he may have believed them
if you listen to the way he talks though like you ever see the Louis Theroux documentary with him we went and visited that stay with him for three weeks it's very interesting and one of the things you realize is the amount of ego this guy has yeah and he just wants people to listen to him like he doesn't answer questions sometimes when when a question comes up he just says I'm not gonna even answer that cuz you're so stupid he just comes up with some reason why he's superior there's so much ego involved in like what he was doing the way he was running that church it wasn't based on any scripture I liked how they had to sing songs you know they weren't smart enough to write their own songs so they just got songs of artists who they probably call singing that sinners to begin with and just there was the one that they did we are the world but it was like God hates the game they're all [ __ ] it's like that and it's like Michael Jackson Lionel Richie write that song you telling me that that you were fans of theirs and they were pretty close to the model that you wanted for your church or you're paying rights whenever someone is a religious guy and they try singing any sort of pop music it automatically kills it like that guy in Australia that thinks he's Jesus and he sings Green Day have you ever seen that guy I don't know him but I like I like him already you never seen the Australian Jesus no oh he's awesome he says he's Jesus and he hangs out with his hot chick that he bangs who apparently used to be Mary and Mary has a vision okay can we get a picture this cheek are gonna it's the second chick the one on the far right is the marry though that's Jesus with the glasses here and Mary apparently unfortunately just found out recently that she was the second Mary and there was another girl that Jesus said was married before her that was Mary Magdalene he likes to tell people he's Jesus to get the [ __ ] oh yeah I'm Jesus yeah I paint Jesus for a while really that's his nuclear option you got to listen to the guy talk place I'm over bride because it's quite brilliant and you know he's not even an exceptional guy which is no not to Jesus Siberia it's totally please defense this is how the original Jesus came out and they hung him on a cross like there's gonna
be some guy if you believe in God and there's got to be a second coming then he's gonna come these cars got as much chance as anyone abating Jesus now it doesn't he has zero chance of being Jesus white Gary said he was Jesus as well right well he was much like this guy just want to get some [ __ ] a foul similar listen to him Emily member and they are critical of Miller they have come that's not his voice that's the narrator's voice um his voice though is very non Jesus like I I've always been well how can you be from Australia the original Bible didn't even mention Australia on I'll into the steak was like a poll was made today that's not his voice either he's the Jesus guy was the other guy with the dark hair and the glasses [ __ ] do and others is that [ __ ] DD you can't if you can see him talking here he goes this is one of Miller's dick okay the narrator who they say he's got followers oh yeah quite a bit quite a few Queensland I believe is where he lives [ __ ] Queensland is our spot that's the Alabama of Australia oh well there you go that makes sense it's a little bit I actually like Queensland my father's from Queensland I have an affinity of goods I know I'll be there in April selling tickets to the Brisbane to really feel but I there a little bit that they had a politician for a while they're called Pauline Hanson and Pauline Hanson was just really racist it was like the problems he have originals and this is why we have to about it you know she's one of these type of people she got voted in in that town and and she was sort of this redheaded what she looked like she was off a matchbox and she she's his redheaded woman it turned out she had electoral fraud and she went to she went to prison for like six months first don't vote anyway she comes out after being really racist like and then saying stupid things like how would you fix the economy and she goes print more money then we'd all have more money like this is the level of intelligence Jesus Christ he got voted in right so she's like another level pass Sarah Palin so even in my family we were like that woman's disgusting I can't believe that all these things you know she's she's a racist Sarah Palin that's a perfect
that's whatever right and so she gets put into prison and then when she comes out she goes on Dancing with the Stars okay and my parents forgive my parents will forgive anything if you do a cracking Foxtrot like they're watching that they were voting for her God because man I guess she's got good legs okay but she just said that Aboriginal should die ah hey bloody hold on to things for too long that's so true if someone was running for president and they did Star Search or Dancing with the Stars or American Idol or whatever those [ __ ] shows are and you know where America got to vote and they did really well they probably come president yeah see if we can create a picture Pauline Hanson I haven't had a look at this woman's face for going on 20 years she's done a fish and chip shop there was like people that she was so racist people would wear Martin Luther King t-shirts on the front that said I have a dream then there'd be a picture of her on the back that goes I have a fish and chip shop there she is that was that Sarah Palin in Australia while she even kind of has that thing going on at Sarah Palin thing going on yeah and the Asians the Asians come in here and buy all the land Wow what do you think about these old banning Bosse you gotta [ __ ] stupid it's never gonna work it's me it makes me angry it makes me angry that you're pretending someone's feelings are hurt because you have the word bossy they totally said the word bossy means leadership it doesn't like I have a few Nace's and I won't say which of them one of them's pit bossy and when I mean bossy it's not like she goes okay you said over here we're playing this game yeah she's like don't touch that that's my toy she's just a bit of a [ __ ] yeah they don't like kunti yo they're trying to get rid of bossy which is a substitute for [ __ ] they're trying to remove themselves from criticism everybody who's coming up with that they're either trying to silence free speech yeah or they're trying to remove what they think is criticism they faced many times and it's you know a lot of them like what where's it coming from most likely feminists well what are a
lot of feminists a lot of feminists are very strong women who like being able to tell people what the [ __ ] to do and what what would be a criticism of that well she's a [ __ ] she's kunti she's bossy yeah those are they're all in line with what's what people don't like I will ban bossy get the [ __ ] out she campaign on their advert or the program the woman was there going do you know that men own 99% of the world's property right and I and then I thought of it do you know ninety-five percent of the homeless are also men there's plenty of bossy [ __ ] kicking [ __ ] out of that you know living rent-free I know are you ban bossy you won't get women that are headed corporations most bossy women that I have known in my life don't have jobs yeah and probably we'd never get to the head of a corporation because that requires a lot of people skills it's not like they've been held back bicycling bossy I'm there paying the rent and they still [ __ ] bossing me around you know it doesn't feel like ya know this the idea is ridiculous the idea that all these women want to have [ __ ] want to be the head of corporations is ridiculous to a lot of women don't want those jobs either they're not working towards those jobs the idea that they're completely banned from those jobs there are women out there who run corporations is it fair I'm not saying it is but there's a lot of [ __ ] that's not fair my life is not they will most what there's a good chance we'll have a female president next oh it's impossible yeah yeah they're just very different characteristics that men have and women have it's very different personalities almost inherent to having testosterone and a dick you don't have also with a woman and this is nothing against women when they have a kid I'm not saying because they take nine months out of the workplace although that's probably a problem but I don't give a [ __ ] when they have a kid their mind does change a little bit they become less career driven and a lot of them not all of them yeah but they do start going I want to spend time with this and don't and then a man has to step up a little bit more and work a bit huh I sometimes begrudge the amount I have to go on the road and be away from my kid so as I can support
the family you know I feel like I miss out on something there I'd rather be home all the time with him right I know exactly which man yeah I I think everyone has a role and that everyone's role is different depending on the relationship depending on where you are in life depending on everything but the idea that it would should be even for men and women is ridiculous the idea that anything should be even is ridiculous yeah the only thing you should ask is for no discrimination yeah no discrimination and that someone would be proved they would they would be promoted based entirely on how well they do what they do yeah I can hear that yeah but the idea that like there should be an equal amount of men in equal our women in the same position that I don't buy that doesn't make any sense to me because there's a lot of jobs that men do better than women and a lot of jobs that women do better than men it's just a fact and they've got Beyonce and Condoleezza Rice and who is the other bird that got Julia Gardner is on the campaign as well in it and then like Beyonce's they're going going I'm not bossy but I am the boss I'm the queen but is it with black women and wanting to be the Queen Queen Latifah but man the queen of the night meant men are always the king black men like there's a lot of fighters that call themselves King black all white men will call themselves the king of the castle I'm the king of my home that's a universal male thing we want to be the king black women want to be queens why chicks want to be princesses right they don't even want to be Queens the only child the only white chick that wants to be the queen is the queen probably right every every time you made it go it's all of it I'm a princess because I want to be taken care of and black chicks are like I wanna [ __ ] own you [ __ ] I'm the queen well that was the thing that black men like there was a big thing they used to say it was that that we used to be kings you know black men used to be kings you know before we were slaves working because in Africa they only had little villages and they didn't travel very far it was easy to be a king when the population was 10 and it was you in the other heart and you're like I'm Queen
Zulu or whatever and [ __ ] you go out with your spear and you think I'm the king of this little toy because it's still now they've got guys that are driving taxis in the UK it was like I'm Prince of Dubai boo boo boo right and you're like I'm fourth in line for the throne and there's so many [ __ ] kings over there that's hilarious and it's so true if you really stop and think about it like the amount of people that's probably directly in line we were talking about we were talking about being famous mm-hmm that you don't want to be the king of a place that's too big yeah you know like you don't want to be the you'd only the head of Rome too much [ __ ] going on you and all these other countries a lot of people divert throw you too much stress everybody's looking to kill you all the time but if you're the king of a [ __ ] small village it like you're probably doing pretty good you get all the fish yeah you're good you got you know ten wives or whatever the hell you need you go wise occasionally you can go to a guy's house and just take a goat yeah it's a it's a tribute mr. Payne but if you like the head of England god damned is a lot of pressure on you well then King Ralph that was a good film I love you know I like about King Ralph King Ralph is a movie where you know they've worked backwards they've gone all right this is the prep you've come up with movie ideas whenever you go movie ideas you think of just the broad strokes so someone's gone okay American guy is the King of England and he's a slob but he likes tenpin bowling all right that's what I've got and then another guy's gone how do we get rid of the roll [ __ ] I'm thinking alright and then whatever is gone I've got it they're all standing in a puddle and get elationship they're also they take a photo of the entire royal family at once that they're standing in a bit of water the camera goes falls over a light falls into the puddle and they all get electrified to death electrified look like you did and then obviously they go through all the family they can't find a single relative until they find a fat guy from Milwaukee called Ralph I don't know if he's from Milwaukee it sounds like he was king Ralph
I never saw that movie Peter I told was that it's a good Peter I told for the thing who's one of the game it's funny I haven't seen a way have you seen it recently I tell you what I know and movies I tell you what I watched three days ago I watched the doors movie great [ __ ] movie because I went and saw it when I was in his 1993 or 1992 and that movie came out I saw it in the cinema so that would have made me 16 I was a kid from Australia I had never heard a door song but I knew it was hip to like the doors and so I went along and watched it it was Oliver Stone it's a lot of cutting back and forth and all this type of stuff and I remember walking on the cinema being bored out of my skull at 15 but then like still saying to my friends like that was a cool movie man lion a lion and then when I heard then when I heard like someone didn't like the film I was like you obviously didn't get it you obviously don't get what Jim Morrison has to say and now I watched it as an adult and it's not as I enjoyed it more but my conclusion was that Jim Morrison was a bit of a dick he was definitely a bit of a dick but he was also a guy just like we're talking about with we're talking about Lenny Bruce he's living a totally different era like breaking out in that error like doing what they were doing but how many Wheatley radical how many young comedians have you met that think they're like a chimp like yeah the things I'm saying in the woods I'm you know the more the Hicks yeah you ever worked the punchline Atlanta yes I've got a back room the green room has a someone wrote on the wall quit trying to be Hicks that's [ __ ] brilliant it's brilliant because for a long time like especially after Hicks died when he died in the UK that's all I care about the huge that man yeah and I've actually I like Felix but I've gone out of my way not to watch him because I got kind of sick of anytime you did edgy comedy you got compared to him and I thought if I don't watch him you can't compare cuz I'm not influenced though I haven't you know what I mean but well that's a compliment I don't think people are meaning in a negative way yeah no no but it's it just got to the stage where evidently we were all trying to be Bill Hicks yeah that's just an
easy criticism that's like if you have an argument with a woman and someone say oh you hate women you hate all women like you know you know that easy argument you know and if you're you're edgy and they want to dismiss you oh you're just trying to be here it's not easy dismissal my girlfriend's favorite argument is when I'm telling her off about something is or when she's telling me or whatever the argument is is the problem with you is you always think you're right and I always go do you say things that you think are wrong is this what you [ __ ] do of course I always think I'm right I might not be right but these are my opinions these are what I therefore believe to be correct you just [ __ ] saying things willy-nilly so this is probably why we fight so much but yeah I always believe I'm right I think if you consider it deeply enough you should always believe you're right yeah yeah if you're just talking off the top of your head yeah yeah yeah I might be an idiot but I always think I'm rush yeah I don't ever say anything that I think is wrong several times sometimes I am wrong but I don't know that before the fight that's a very important point that you don't know you're wrong but you are if someone but that I have a real problem with that when when someone realizes in the middle of an argument that they're wrong then they keep going no when they keep going that's what I [ __ ] hate that when you hear him justifying it yeah they don't like that it's right I was I was on set deejay calls as in my shows the skinny kid out a road trip I was he was singing along to wanted dead or alive by Bon Jovi I wanted dinner and and then there's a line on the steel horse I ride right yeah I always thought it was I'm gonna steal the horse I ride because he's a cowboy right he's riding on a motorcycle and I haven't got the gist of this song whatsoever right and I said how you got that wrong it's I'm gonna steal the horse all right and then he said no it's not and then I went now you're wrong I checked it on the internet he was right but I didn't back down I just kept on going for weeks about you don't even I [ __ ] song lyrics con you it up steady either one is fine steel horse or steal the horse I think steal the horse is more renegade
cowboy steal horses any [ __ ] can go buy a harley-davidson your [ __ ] I like I like my lyrics better it's better it is better steal the horse I ride that's some real renegade [ __ ] you're a [ __ ] euro you're a horse thief there's a song one of my favorite songs Australian Bankard you're my is called heavy heart and there's a lyric that goes now every t-shirts got a white wine stain I'm loving cigarettes again I know every chance just about a guy's been dumped right right now every t-shirts got a wine stain I always thought it was now every t-shirt has a white stain and that's my legs because like he's been dumped so he's wanking so much that he's getting come everywhere and I think that's probably better it's a great inner romantic song though every t-shirts got a white stain yeah chica dressing in wine stain come on hold me closer Tony Danza yeah yeah everybody used to have a bit about that and that was like one of the early stand-up bits that people used to have a bit about people getting the lyrics wrong there was a bunch of guys in it where they used to have like the shape where they haven't written and they'll be flipping out over what they thought was it no no no like they would sing the wrong lyrics like there's a few guys that had bits and it would be a real problem if they work together like there's a few guys that had bits about people getting the the wrong I've seen this guy with diamonds I come up with an the wrong word for it they would have a whole thing I saw a lot of guys hold me closer tiny dancer Elton John that's photoshopped though so obviously I I there was a there was a lot of guys who would have a pad and they'd brought up in they dried out all the lyrics to songs like you know like that song that was played like in satanic movie don't don't don't don't damn it's in Latin right but he would write out what he thought it was in English and when you saw the words with the music it your ears started to go i that is what they're saying you know and then there was another one for that Michael Jackson the earth song what about but what about us that one yeah no one knows what the [ __ ] he's saying in that he's just screaming around and that was very popular in
Britain for them to go these are the words I think yeah it's kind of hacky kind of hacky yeah well I'm not I don't mind a guy there's a Cajun thing you get like this song parity guys that are really [ __ ] most of us [ __ ] but occasionally you'll get a guy where you go he's alright him there's out of nowhere it's like anything if you if you if you even if you do something [ __ ] if you do it extraordinarily well then it can be good well it sucks for a guide like Weird Al Yankovic who is like one of the first guys who does it he doesn't very good and just doesn't change the lyrics he he's a whole new story yes like he does that uh that that coughs offspring song I'm pretty fly for a rabbi yeah and it's just all about this guy and he's in he's in his rabbi plays and he's synagogue and you know it is a weird thing though when someone else creates the foundation for what you're doing you know whenever you're doing a parody of something someone else creates the foundation and then you come along and build comedy on the foundation or whatever they're doing like I'm fat from I'm bad you know you were to get the same outfit on he was the first guy to really he used to get the rights from people like for the film clips and everything big we used to like it when they did it I'm sure seek the mic at the moment I've been told that Dana Carvey does an impersonation of me I desperately want to see it Dana Carvey doesn't impersonation of you yeah like it's CIA the agents were said I don't we just had Dana Carvey does impersonation of you were all cracking up but I think he doesn't on stage but he was just doing it for the other agents down at CAA and then I think they thought that I'd be like what the [ __ ] is that [ __ ] doing I was like [ __ ] all I want to know now is what it looks like I want I want to see Danny cow he's like one of the best impersonators ever yeah that's that's cool that's cool that he's doing impersonation of yeah well I'll say that's a good time that's a good sign yeah he's one of these guys that I always think maybe he just didn't want to do movies anymore because he just lives up in San Francisco now he plays clubs every week and stuff like that but doesn't yeah
does he do last hand up yeah but I think he doesn't like in a club down the road from his house where he goes every week and it's packed out really you know the main like he's just that guy let's find out yeah he was I think he was at the ice house recently really yeah all right man he those year of films were like like Wayne's well know that we're like a big deal for me yeah me too I think I saw Wayne's Road more than any movie ever in my life well he's doing a bunch of theatres he's doing the San Manuel casino and he's doing the IP casino resort and spies doing like you know smaller casinos but maybe he's doing you know he just mostly works up there and then I want I want to put him in legit I'll say I feel like if we get a third season I want to put him in I had to Ben impression of you yeah maybe that would could be the reason like I could see him on TV doing impersonating me I go to confront him or something would be a cool episode like if I was a bit arrogant and all upset nothing coke when I was watching the episode where he was doing that or the TV spot I think for a guy like him you know I bet it's probably really a nice thing to do to just be able to do theaters yeah just do his gig on the weekends and then go places and not have anybody telling him you know our movie got funded the the production company wants to change something about your show or Christ it's like it's like my PR person wanted to come along to me with this because I didn't book it I mean oh we should come along to everything I'm like I've done Joe's podcast before just fine getting there by myself OPP no people are disgusting people bring them and they start talking to me um you know like but what he needs to do is if the [ __ ] out of here yeah I'll [ __ ] out here you can't talk for him well let that guy there's a reason why he's here and not you he said he's a talker this is a comedian or she or whoever the [ __ ] it's a very odd occupation appear well they're confused everybody else that you have employed you can sort of exactly tell where the money's coming from your agent books the gigs and your manager gets you think you can sort of go Quinn essentially you can justify that but with PR it's just like I don't know
is that worth the money I don't know did I did I get anything out of it is my life better I don't I'm not sure what happened there some of them are real good some of them really good at it you know I have a good publicist it gets like if I need to do things he can get me those things if I want to you know promote something to gig or what-have-you but the bad ones are the ones that tell the clients what to say and what to do and where to don't don't talk about this remember don't don't do this don't do that yeah you can never do that with a comic comics should do most likely the mistake that you think that they're gonna make would be one of the best things they could do like you telling them not to say something if they wind up saying it and it becomes hilarious a big uproar and the network gets pissed probably the best thing they could ever do I got in trouble yes a couple of weeks ago and I've been Anthony just ringing in and I had to have my publicist check that I didn't [ __ ] everything up in my life because carrie fisher's in this season in legit and so I chatted to Carrie Fisher for a while and Carrie Fisher told me a little bit about what she was doing in Star Wars and I didn't think it was a big secret and I was talking to OPA it says that like on Star Wars forums and web pages went [ __ ] mental like Jim Jefferies just built the beans on the new Star Wars film and I was like ah [ __ ] they're the last [ __ ] bit of mafia in this town that I need going after me the people are in charge of Disney 20th Century Fox and Disney at once teaming up to ruin my career so she told you a secret no she didn't tell me a big city oh she said what she said she said to me see guys I'm gonna film Star Wars sort of January through to July and I said on openiy Anthony I go well it was announced I go she can't help me having a small role because she's there for that many months so it was like I imagined that that we're going to see her Luke Skywalker and Han Solo in the whole film you know which which many people was speculating that they'll just have a cameo right and I was saying well that amount of time and I thought maybe this was information that everyone already knew I didn't know that I was I had some secret I can say it again here because
I'm already in trouble right she was the one who [ __ ] up by telling you yeah you're gonna tell someone something that's a secret you gotta say hey you can't tell anybody this well I don't know if it was a secret I don't know if it's just been blown out of a point but they say that episode seven is a continuation of episode six I'm like hey there's gonna have to be a 30 year gap between these things unless something happen with the force where everyone aged really fast they lost me a hundred percent a few years back it's like the first couple of Star Wars that for the original few were pretty good and then when they took that gap and then came back was in the 80s the late 80s when they started doing them again no no no I know the Phantom Menace was lighter than that man that was like nineteen no mm I was at university was it really yeah okay well wherever it was I was like man this is just not Star Wars that was the height of my ecstasy taking and I I was at that stupid thing when you get so into pills where you're like we're gonna see Star Wars and we'll be on ecstasy yeah because it's like someone's just spend a billion dollars on special effects and that's still not good enough for my mind anymore I need to see what is it like to see that movie on ecstasy do you forgive them more I I actually sort the foot I started the first time on ecstasy and I remember saying to people as we walked out best Star Wars ever two more times like and also it didn't like adjust after the drugs were off because I've been telling everyone all that week you got to see it it's better than the original Star Wars oh no because the pod cast the pod the pod thing that the pod cast the pod racing blew my [ __ ] mind well I see yeah yeah Jar Jar Binks he is awesome in fact I smell an Oscar you know remember how bad that character was everybody was angry you know it was bad about those new films were and I don't know if George is just an idiot but a little bit racist yeah ja ja Binks was obviously like a black sort of slave woman from I like a gone with the wind style film and a black actor pull up the jar jar baby no but the way dog video me so get you for that sir Mesa gonna help you out to me sir and he was like just [ __ ] Shawn my shoes and [ __ ] off like it was that
level of racism opening it and then they made the the guys who with the trade embargo people they were like Nazi ask Japanese people they were like you have no section here in this part of the galaxy like that right pull up a video mr. Garland I pull up a video I don't hear you do it no it's it's my bail or whatever well that's interesting man I never even thought about it they know and then the goodies all had British accent all the Jedi's were like we are part of the realm of the thing really and then you cannot convince you I'll try to butter butter bar alright so it was like and all the others all the Gungans were like laid-back Jamaican style black people in the end of the film where they were like hippies just that is that thing that we do when we have a language that we want to be noble we give it an English accent or a villains they're good at villains or romantic leads the English accent like when you hear why is this music playing in the background because I think most of the videos with Jar Jar Binks has been taken off for YouTube but this one's awesome mr. Buddha catch me sir step on dog he always has to walk ten steps behind fast is so weird the music telling me that trouble he was the first like fully CGI'd person right and the technology just was a few years off because then they sort of nailed it with Gollum well they can make it the thing about these guys like Jar Jar Binks is it's not a real thing so you don't compare it to a real thing and it doesn't [ __ ] with you like a real lion it looks way different than the CGI lion oh yeah they move it's like but like Godzilla is probably gonna look [ __ ] bad and lizards and stuff look really good but I I always say don't CGI clothes as soon as you did CGI clothing on something the material doesn't flows too smoothly like its water or something it doesn't ruffle like a real show like Yoda look cool as a puppet he was more believable as a puppet because he existed yes and now Yoda it's like with his flowing cloak that he comes in with it just doesn't that's what takes me out of it yeah that's the argument that special effects guys have for using makeup and like Richard you know the the the the
type of special effects that they used in in Star Wars the original Star Wars all like the same [ __ ] they use an American Werewolf in London like rubber and you know hair and they it's all special effects guys but it's Rick Baker was like the main guy but yeah it's a real thing whereas like if you're looking at hair is a big one like flowing hair any flowing hair with CGI it looks like [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah it's like yeah unless it's like in a CGI world like a Pixar film where everyone's [ __ ] exactly yeah but if it's standing next to another person you're like yeah it's not real yeah it's not they're not ready yet anam eyes are not ready at the wolves and Game of Thrones those dire wolves oh we got we got John Ratzenberger on the on my show he plays one of the dads right he's cliff Clavin from cheese oh great now I can always tell the age of a girl like I didn't shoot him I go for anything but I always think if when these girls were extras I have one line and the thing I was you always think a factor you know that's a hole all your life is like this right and I was talking about girl thinking thinking she was cute and then this is the way I gauged a girl whether she's too young for me whether when she's talking to John Ratzenberger does she know him as I eat cliff from cheese or be the pig from Toy Story and if she's never heard of Cheers and he goes oh yeah I'm happy the pig from Toy Story I got some quick hey buzz like you if he doesn't that [ __ ] oh I know you uh you go okay you can't go near that girl that's too young too young actually you must have seen cheese once a lot of people haven't you know why because kids today don't see anything old because they've got too many channel options it's true trying new shows to catch up on I used to see I seen all the other concerns Mar and Park kettle films every Shirley Temple movie because my mother liked these old black-and-white films and they were on a Sunday we only had four channels into one TV so I had the [ __ ] sit and watch these films right because I didn't go out the house for whatever reason now the kids today they've got their own you know you had to wake up for a cartoon remember you had the cartoon was at Sunday you had to
wake up for it I remember that shirt now you can DV alright but plus you've got a cutting channel and then when you get a bit older you've got this channel that sort of caters to your being a [ __ ] [ __ ] the Nickelodeon one where it's like now like you're grown up a little bit we're still gonna keep you children when the kids should be start watching more adult sort of dreary type things there's now they're watching [ __ ] Miley Cyrus I had a Montana or that type of [ __ ] have you ever seen Nick at night or Nick mom's they have Nick they Nick mom's stand after dark yeah where they have the mums doing stand up about being a mom yeah I guess works for them you know I'm not eating or anything but but it seems like a very restrictive thing it's like I once did an atheist convention in front of like five thousand people in Australia and I was booked to do it and as I said I retire my jokes after they're done this is the only time I've brought back old jokes in recent times because I had to do a 40-minute set it had to be all religious stuff and I have 40 minutes of religious stuff over the course of almost yeah but never at once so I actually sat on looking myself up on YouTube going oh that's how that bit goes that's a bit that big guy so I could just do a religious [ __ ] set a 40 minute religious set how do you keep yourself from like repeating the same sort of theme well I've done a lot of religious jokes but there was a little bit of cheating going on in the sense that I'd go I'd go [ __ ] in these Catholics don't like people wearing condoms do they anyway [ __ ] the chick without a condom that was a religious routine got oh yeah there was some dressing up of other jokes to make them look like they were a religious place that's funny but when you do when you meet that many atheist okay the Atheist community not a good-looking Bunch not a lot of sexy atheists I don't know why lot of redundancy – yeah a lot and yeah it's Ellis's my opening line was look at this five thousand people talking about nothing like these a lot of effort to talk about nothing well have you ever heard of a theism plus what's that Oh as where it gets rough its atheism plus a set of core ethical and moral values so it's like you know anti-discrimination anti racism Athey like essentially
certain religion the religion based on a type of anti religion but you don't know how to do these things you have your part inherently in you as a human being I call it duh yeah atheism plus is duh yeah duh don't be racist duh don't be homophobic I think at a certain point in time when enough information gets distributed like okay like for instance this group okay the four people that are in this room if you want to start preaching to the four people in this room that you shouldn't be homophobic you shouldn't be races like to us hmm with no point other than just espousing your beliefs we'd be like duh yeah of course what the [ __ ] you saying unless there's some humor to it you're just repeating some [ __ ] that everybody with a [ __ ] brain and a heart agrees with like why why would you be sexist why would you be homophobic why would you be yeah all the simple simple fundamental things that that decide whether you can be friends with a person just the the bit where these are deal breakers for me if you're homophobic you're racist well yeah I think you're a [ __ ] if you're any of these things yes and then there's the other things like I'm anti-gun I have a lot of people who are pro-gun you know I mean that's nothing that's just open to [ __ ] argument onto paper it's not a deal closer when it comes to being a friend right absolutely and then yeah and then of course we all hate women so pager that one right the antidepressant one is one that I leave open to debate I have people that I'm friends with that will go on this big rants about our evil antidepressants are and then I have friends that are on them oh I I've I've used them and I found they have helped me in my life you used them and you got off them yes why'd you get off them I probably should stay on them but I'm of the opinion in life it's better to be taking nothing into your body medicine wise you know there's other things you should take vitamins or whatever but I feel like if you can get away with it and not take it it's probably better in the long term have you ever [ __ ] around 5-htp what's that 5htp is it's the building blocks for serotonin and you could take it in a supplement form and 5-htp actually helps your body produce more serotonin makes
you feel better all right I'd be definitely up for something like that I I for me it's I've been on any depressant sometimes it was sometimes a big tragic event happen in my life and I just have me had to pull my [ __ ] together a couple of times that happened then the last time I was I was just suffering from depression and it just wasn't [ __ ] shift and you know I've been hit in the head yeah how many times one major like high school futile but one major time as an adult like there's an infamous video of me getting punched on stage but that one didn't actually hurt that was just a little dinger but one time I got off stage in Nottingham England and no hint that the gig had gone badly or hecklers or any other and a guy came up and grabbed me from the back of the head and smashed my head into a table and I fractured my skull above the bridge of my nose why did he do that I I'm never quite sure I was knocked out like did they arrest the guide and from what I heard the security roughed him up the British government gave me $10,000 in conference a ten thousand pounds and compensation but you got knocked unconscious huh no I wake up in a hospital yeah that one it was like one of those one-hitters but also I was facing another direction and it was it was really and this is what I'll say cuz I look this is one of the debates are getting I'm all for public healthcare and I'm saying that as someone who's got money and would pay for my private health care on top of that anyway in Britain man they put me in a hospital they never checked my name they made sure I was all [ __ ] well and good and then they just left me and I wasn't a citizen or nothin I agree with you 100% I think that health care should be mandatory that society takes care of its citizens yeah I think there should be optional health care like a really good doctor you know like to get you fix or something like that you want to go to the guard does the Lakers yeah but everyone should be able to get health care you should the the poorer people in society should have free health care when I said it like you like students even if you come from a rich family whatever but once you're on your own at 18 and you want to stand on your own two legs and you don't want to
ring mum and dad up and go moo moo do good you know I mean they should be taken care of and then once you get a bit like normally when you get money it's later in life and you have more high almonds later in life anyway but in the UK I paid for my private health care on top of my normal health care now if like the public health case if I had something small I just use the public health care just to see a GP or the emergency room or whatever I just saw my thing and then if they said like I had it like for instance I had a cyst in my neck that had to be cut out and the doctor went the doctor goes alright you can be put on the waiting list for the public health care you can get it done in four weeks or I can do it for you tomorrow if you use your private cover so you get moved up the ladder a bit quicker see all right so all these people complaining America I won't get as much help if you still buy it on top that's a better system and then nothing changes but it's it's I don't think they've structured it brilliantly out here or maybe they've had they've been up against it trying to explain it to Americans because I listen to people on the radio all the time who it it's like who sound poor to me they sound like they're working class people who kind of and they're like I don't want this health care this guys gonna any like what you don't want what you don't want to have like the the whole fact that these companies won't cover existing conditions if you have a little child that's born with AIDS or whatever I know that's a very like exact thing I've just said but of course someone they should have health exactly exactly you know there should be certain core things that society takes care of there should be law enforcement there should be hospitals to be fire departments yeah when those core things are not being taken care of if you don't have health care for people I mean what's the point in having a society like what if you can't if you can't give these people the ability to heal themselves I mean it's not like one of the major things you would want to take care of people's eyes on the constitution but in the Constitution what well it was written when health care was [ __ ] yeah band-aids how about that they didn't have
band-aids they didn't have sticky [ __ ] yet leeches were very very in that's how people thought you'd heal they didn't know enough about bodies but in the whole idea that we have to stick only by things that were in the Constitution the world is so [ __ ] radically different than it was in the 1700s yeah yeah their idea is just [ __ ] stupid it's just a stupid idea the Constitution has some great ideas and a great understanding of what goes wrong when it's like ten commandments it's a good foundation and a base but then you can add to it and then you know what did louis c.k say that there's no the the ten commandments don't say you can't write yeah well rape is kind of tolerated in the Bible no men are second-class citizens in the Bible it's so clearly flavored by the time in which people wrote it yeah there's a lot of [ __ ] [ __ ] in the Bible though when you would they talk about coveting their wives neighbor yeah that's not about [ __ ] or wanting to [ __ ] her it's about she's property that's what it is coveting it's like taking his property it's not like coveting his wife you know oh because they're in love and you have a big vise and over at eight I don't have a great English language I think most people do i auditing their neighbor's wife knows about her him being you know him owning her yeah slaves it so they have all these laws about in the bible about beating your slaves it's all written about wherever the guy was within a 5-mile radius the visit there's a web page could ask god or something the little kids can type in and the most asked question and ask god is that this is what kids brains work like kids want to know where their kangaroos on the ark right after they hear all the stories a child can get the bible down to this is what the information i want where the kangaroos in the ark is the most last question and the answer is although there is no mention of kangaroos in the bible you can be assured because there was two of each animal that they were kangaroos on the other they just decided to leave it out because not a lot of Australians read the Bible no they just left it out because they didn't [ __ ] know about Australia God made God made the entire earth and the universe and all type of
stuff and he did it in like a week but he didn't know about Australia at least not to mention in his book the Australia thing is very interesting because it's such a huge continent and there's all these animals that are specific to Australia yeah like the kangaroo yeah those [ __ ] aren't anywhere else no [ __ ] wombats on the ark and when Noah finished when the the water was going down or when the water was receding like to where it is now did he go and drop everyone off at their different places didn't maybe all these animals were rocking around whatever hit the town that he was in they all lived in this one town I think you know these are all the animals we got left I'm gonna take you all go to Australia you're going Australia polar bears you're gonna be on this boat for a while lines Africa like he must have decided right is there a bit in the Bible where he decides knowing Rob they just they are walked and they found their spots on the world yeah how how do they make it to Australia the guide provided them walking on water abilities they gave them those big shoes that you have on holidays that you think it good when you're gonna walk on the walk on water in this racket shoes yeah those are snow shoes day you need those man if you actually go walking in snow if you were watching any of those Alaska shows where people live and stops you from sinking yeah they they have these giant like you know sort of like net looking shoes and they walk around on those [ __ ] things and it keeps you from it spreads out your weight over a large period a large space keeps you from like if you were on pegs walking through the snow be a real [ __ ] pain in the ass stilts would be no good like you don't want a wide tire when you drive it in the snow a lot of people think that you don't want to get more traction if you had a wide tire already yeah you actually want a more narrow tire because a narrow tire cuts through the snow the big wide tires tend to float on it because there's more weight is distributed over a larger patch a larger authentic patch I don't really understand the snow I find it weird whenever I go play gig like I just in later this week guys in Milwaukee in Detroit it was snowing in both places and I'm there in the snow
and I feel like telling the people you know you're allowed to live anywhere in America you're a citizen you can live it anywhere you live in Hawaii any way you want people shovel in the nether [ __ ] driveway it seems like madness to me it is kind of madness but there's a certain type of person that grows up around snow that's a hard year person I understand like Canadians where they're like I like to hunt in this and I like to cut down trees and [ __ ] you know make my almost syrup yeah yeah I like to talk I'm gonna put a tap in that tree over there get syrup out of it oh my all right enjoy yourself but I don't understand like if you just if you live in the city let's say if you have an apartment in the middle of one of these cities right if you want to live in a big house in the hills and be like in the woods I've brought you some elk right that's what I'm talking about yeah yeah I understand that but I don't why why I live in New York City and I don't understand and I also don't understand why let's say you have a shitty job like you're the guy in a booth that cuts keys alright and you fix heels and shoes I've never understood why those two occupations are bound together yeah together yeah it's always the shoe here fixing guy also will cut keys I don't know if that's true that is No you know what the mailbox I there's a like a UPS place that I sent in packages out of they also make keys yeah keys keys have attached themselves to other occupations he can't just have a key store you can't have a key store you gotta go my keys and doughnuts I never knew that the shoe no shoe guy is inherently mixed in with the key guy III understand the key guy when he's when he's hanging out with the guy puts batteries and watches that's it that's enough [ __ ] sign the sign for sale on eBay for sure we should that and ship it to Jim Jeffries she repairs a cutting that's the thing please purchase that it's $29.99 thank you I'll put that in my gymnasium so so they have those okay now if you do that job and you're doing you fix it he'll for five ten dollars and you do it key for three dollars and you're sitting your booth key and and Xuan why do that in Manhattan why don't you become the guy does that in like Kansas which what people in Manhattan and no but you can
live anywhere you're not making a lot of money with that key business enough but I love your cash but the range of every place get a new house there yeah but it's a lot of big investment to move see the big problem with moving is you need three months where the rent you need first last and sure that's a lot of [ __ ] money sure you also need the moving truck you also need the time I watched on TV I just give away all my [ __ ] let me toast to England guy well my [ __ ] I moved to Oviatt America gave away [ __ ] everything yeah but you're a successful comic there's a difference you make a good living every week the stuff that you need to do your job as minimize what do you need you need a notebook well when I moved to Britain I was flat broke and then when I moved over here I actually was getting I was getting sued by paramount when I moved over here and they basically clean up my bank account as well well again soon I had a four DVD deal with Paramount DVDs UK I can speak about this now because it's been so long I think of the statue of whatever maybe no I don't give a [ __ ] so so I had I had this four DVD deal and I had made one that was never meant to have gone into the shops that I said okay I'm just going to make one to sell out the geeks so it's done really on the cheap and it's called contraband which is sort of a cool name for it because of what wasn't in shops and I thought of stuff right and what happened was I after I made that I just started to get popular in the UK and they released this into the shops I already wasn't happy with them because it was a really shitty product really basic looking crap product anyway I come over here so I got that DVD in the shops over there I'm doing very well in Britain did well at the unmanifest a lot o stuff and I had a profile now I came over here I got my HBO special and I went back and good news everyone I got an HBO special I'm gonna make it in America now as well and the lady that was the executive was like talking to a [ __ ] child it was she was like but you've still got a three DVD deal with us and I'm there going yeah but let me do this one then then we'll start selling product in America do the next three with you you've already got me for a cheap rate let me do this one in America to raise my price you guys but you can't do that you've
your deals with us and so I went I'm doing the HBO special sue me and so they saw they sued me for the advance money they gave me for the four and then I should Vance that you here well you don't tire ninety thousand pounds and so you had to give him back which is like which is like a hundred and fifty thousand American it was a lot of money you know and I had to give him back that plus plus money that I might have been less than that anyway I had to give him that plus money that they'd spent on me so I was like another twenty thousand pounds whatever and so I said all right for that I said you have to take contraband off the shelves because I never liked that one so I got that DVD pulled from the shops and I did a lot of jokes up that one were in my HBO special as well but I got out of that the best thing I ever did because I've now had three more deals since then to do DVDs afterwards it was the best thing ever getting sued by those people but at the time I had that much money – ten grand in my bank account and was like and I felt like I was the richest guy in the world like 100 thousand pounds in my bank I felt like I'm sitting pretty and then I'm gonna move to America and then I was [ __ ] broke man and they took it all the bastards well it sounds like they were right you got a deal oh no they unfortunately fundamentally they were right yeah but they could have made a lot more money out of me if they just let me out to do this one special yeah but they wouldn't trust you to do that because if you went and did that you you see they're not making any money off that HBO thing no the only way to get but they would have gotten alcoholic costs for a fully functional in when I'm about to record yeah but they would never it's how do we they know even you would stay alive they give you this HBO special you buy a meeting here you know all I know is there was one of the executives that we're working for a man who agreed with me and one of them who didn't and those two executives were fine I think one of the execs actually left yeah went to a different guy went to work with Sony or something because he was like I can't [ __ ] this was stupid this is I would be a way to work I was
the first British base comic in I I can't even think of another woman let's say in a very long time so you get a major break in America to get an HBO special or a Showtime special in America they're like like I'm sure Billy Connolly he's probably done one yeah Eddie's ads always produce his own type of stuff but I was the first British guy British base guy to have that sort of thing and there was no way I wasn't gonna [ __ ] do it of course so I just opted out of my contract and got sued I don't you know I'm not angry about it to this day I feel like it worked out better for me but at the time it was like someone punched me in the guts when you give over all that money like although you loot you get rid of all your stuff you're still a successful comic oh no I still being paid for the HBO I had money coming in no it wasn't it wasn't super difficult yeah so but I'm saying this a lot harder for a guy who's making keys yeah okay guy if you really stop and think about a guy who has like a real low-paying job and the idea of saving money and the idea is it doesn't exist saving money I was reading about this general you heard this case about this general that he got sued for sexual harassment or for sexual misconduct adultery apparently is illegal in the Armed Forces that's how they got Petraeus Petraeus got kicked out because of adultery right it's a pretty [ __ ] unbelievable when you think about you're allowed to kill people but you're not allowed to [ __ ] someone other than your wife like they'll kick you out of the army for that like okay it seems a little preachy but they talked about how much this guy how much he was making and you find out how much like a general makes like they were talking about it was $4,000 a month or $5,000 a month for four months they took his money away like he didn't get paid for four months while his trial was going on all right imagine when you find how much the president ins yeah like quarter of a million yeah it's not well I think it's a little more than that now think it's like half a more for the president but I know that yeah I know that they earn less than the stagehands that Carnegie Hall Wow are you serious stage are you counting all the stage hands at Carnegie
Hall a union based and you can pass the job on to your children and two thirds of the stagehands accounting Hall it's like a it's like a fact that they was giving pop quizzes and more than the president whoa in 2001 the president earned $400,000 yeah along with $50,000 annual expense account $100,000 non-taxable travel account now how much is it today in 2014 today it's still 400 grand that's why I pad yeah mr. beats a trial count you always get an upgrade on Delta the total salaries 550 per year with an entertainment stipend he has a to $20,000 entertainment stipend that means he gets to have Jay Z come over singing his song and he likes I don't think that's what it is I think it means like for his entertainment like money he spends things on to $20,000 a year which I guess over the course of three a lot of days 50 well it's probably dinner and stuff like that today I thought he didn't pay for anything you know I thought he just had a corporate card where he could buy anything and it was on us you know well he has an expense account there's an annual expense account but it doesn't say how much it is but it says that in 1969 Nixon made $200,000 which is over a million today in today's dollars instances no per year that's what his uh his salary was Nixon might have given himself a raise of that con yeah he was a croaker yeah said he wasn't oh he was [ __ ] but everybody was a piece of [ __ ] back then he was just one of the first guys to get caught you know there was a whole series of pieces of shits what is this this is that interview that Jimmy Carter did saying that he doesn't use email to talk or anything like that because he thinks the NSA is spying on him so you only use this postal mail Wow well now that he told them that the intercept is posted me I read it pretty old [ __ ] he's an ex-president right of course they he doesn't even know how to use a computer let's be honest he probably knows how to use a computer he's pretty smart guys doesn't he pay up father yeah peanut yeah at a certain point in time I think kind of everybody who's paying attention knows how to use a computer in this day and age arms I'm the worst at it but I can still email and then you're better than Dahmer era you know even dumber errors should
get together decide who's the worst because I say dumb [ __ ] beats you hands down oh I can I can use Netflix and email and I can look at things and update my web pages and stuff that's all I can do but I was the worst for years and years and years and then I always used to look at like kids with computers and think look at these [ __ ] pretentious cut parents giving their kid an iPad when I didn't have an iPad you know I mean and now I just gave my son he's 16 months I gave I got I got a new iPad I gave him my old one they love them and they love him but also it's like you have to the world is now computers so this sooner he gets his hand on a computer and his fiddling with a computer the better well it's also there's connections that are made there's a bunch of games that kids can play on iPads that are actually good for your brain yeah they're making connections they figure out how to do puzzles they figure out how to count things there's like a series of educational games the kids [ __ ] love my three year old steals my phone every time I leave it down she'll open it and start going she knows how to open my phone she's [ __ ] three she swipes it and enters in the code she knows what my code is goes right to the app she wants and starts playing these games and a lot of them are [ __ ] really they're really good for your little brain well my son's favorite game is a cat that repeats what he says well there's fun ones too my three-year-old likes to do one where she gives mani-pedis to dogs yeah there's a lot of dressing things up like like this one that like like my son just looks at and goes right back at him any things he laughs this is it's weird as a comedian and someone who has been terrible at sports her entire life I see a lot of people with dads when they're like look he's through the ball he just threw the ball I literally with my son go he he knows that's funny right like I was I was proud in the same way that a sporty dad who sees his son kick a goal I was proud I saw my son he lifted up one ass cheek he farted and then he laughed and I was like he's developing he knows what's good you know is the good bit my three-year-old runs over parts her butt cheeks and farts in my face right in my
face raw naked ass right out of the tub runs over bends over in front of me at farts in my face and then [ __ ] cries laughing she thinks it's the funny it's funny you get mad I think it's hilarious how I get my I did so cute I didn't tell my son that I think maybe illegal right you know when you do something like I might have committed a crime would you do well I I'm in the shower as I do every morning and he always comes at when he hears me in the shower cuz he wakes up about an hour and a half before I do because he wakes up when his mom takes care of him in the morning and I'm having a show and he comes up when he hears that I'm awake and he starts bashing on the glass door and what I do is because I'm a you know adorable guy I always like pain a little like in the condensation I draw a little tie on him or I give him a voice bubble and then say I love dad or something like I did this little game and he laughs and I anyway so I step out and I go good morning Hank and he slapped my [ __ ] and he ran off why is that illegal oh yeah child touching your [ __ ] right now I know like I did not ask him to touch my car but also is it illegal because I laughed and then told you my kids pointing my dick and laughs yeah three-year-olds likeness she thinks it's hilarious right penises are a humorous sure vaginas are humorous to both of them my son now is at the stage where loves holding his [ __ ] just whole horse pinches it at the end is only he's gonna I don't know I haven't got I haven't got a lot of baby [ __ ] to reference it against I think my son has a small [ __ ] but it's I think it grows all right I think he has a nice erection but I don't I think he has a very has erections at 16 months they've erections from day one Wow like sometimes you wake him up in the morning you'll take he's nappy off because he's got a [ __ ] in there and it'll be a [ __ ] covered erection oh that's a weird connection and a good name for a band where'd he take it probably a website but it's uh it's it is yeah he gets like a little tiny woody and I always think what is going on in his head where he is wanted or needed erection what was the dream that he had last night I know the dreams that I'm having when I wake up
with an erection one of the ones that I hit like is that you know that cat saying suggestive things of the iPad what is it's probably just blood in his deck if only just blood in his dick or its longing for something that he you know I don't know you ever get boners when you're driving for no apparent reason you're not even horny I have yes I have those are weird those are having your dick boners sometimes you got to have sex and you gotta [ __ ] work it a bit to get it going and then like other time you ever done that one where you masturbate in the car while you're driving you because you've been stuck in traffic and then I was alright with it in Britain but too many people in this town drive SUVs mm-hmm oh I Drive I Drive a callenge or I'm lower down I get seen by a lot of people get windows yeah yeah or I could just stop wanking in my car or just get one of those things that women use when they breastfeed in public and just jerk off under that yeah get a quilt yeah I found out the best thing to do is to plug my phone into the iPod connection and then play porn on it then I'll get with subwoofer and everything surround sound port and like that's a good move so do you like hold it with one hand and steer with like the last I know I know buddy have to be in traffic so I'm not doing that much steer and I'm off any beaten off in your car all right last five years yeah I know of three times this is that but it's not like I'm not gonna do it like right now this is like I've I've just been somewhere that some girls got me going I'm in a bit of a frenzy or I just had a fight with my girlfriend I'm in a bit of a bad mood I need to cheer myself up really I only beat off once in my car ever and it was when I was driving limos I was driving home from a gig I had to drop some lady off in New Hampshire drive way the [ __ ] up to New Hampshire it's long ride back an hour and a half back I got bored so I beat off and I remember the [ __ ] massive feeling of disappointment of myself that I jerked off because I'm jerking off underneath my shirt as soon as I came I was like god dammit there's gonna be a thing I do all the time now and I never did it again oh right but I never came up I never wanted to do it again but I'm shocked because I figured
I'm such a [ __ ] idiot once I do something embarrassing like that I'm like well this is something I do now this is not gonna be I'm not gonna like I remember once having sex with a girl and she was just yelling it [ __ ] me daddy [ __ ] me mmm right and I kind of went hey what do you call me like this for and then I slightly enjoyed us saying it I would died I don't need that to be a thing yeah don't make that a thing for me because then I'm [ __ ] up but I gotta ask other people to do it and then we're in a real [ __ ] predicament when I was in Boston I was I used to bang this really crazy Portuguese chick she used to call her [ __ ] a [ __ ] it was the first girl to ever ever heard say that just like [ __ ] that [ __ ] [ __ ] tactic she was like angry about it like I hope I don't start liking this yeah that's gonna be hard to get someone else to agree to mm-hmm gals yeah it's hard when you've got a thing and you've got to ask your girl to do that thing III for a while there I love Chokin girls while I was [ __ ] them for a while I'm not as Chokey as I used to be but I used to be I used to be I used to be very [ __ ] hang around the neck pin you down while I was [ __ ] you and some girls and because I was Danny girl I got off and doing that right and that was that's what got me into it was this was how I made this and then you meet the girls who don't want you to do that but then I met one girl who I was choking and then you know I'm not checking the whole time right and then I've stopped and she's sort of thought oh this is what we're doing is it she starts choking me and I'm like don't do that that feels horrible I don't know how bad if those few women but it really hurts my my own neck the choking thing is not it's weird it's just like one of those other things where some people love it and some people hate it and you never [ __ ] know until it comes up you know you could date a girl and have no idea she likes to be choked like that the first girl that I ever dated it like to be choked was so girly yeah she was like so like you would never she was it wasn't loud she always wore dresses she was she wasn't like boisterous or you know locative or [ __ ] just a regular girl and she [ __ ] loved it she asked me to choke
her and those I was like what do you mean choke you like how do you mean choke you she does just grab my neck why are you [ __ ] me I'm like okay hard you want me to hurt you like what's going on here like and then if you thought about doing it to another girl they would freak out like it's weird what like one person the what's their big turn on and another person right it's sometimes bad when you when you bring the choke you do it go it doesn't want it it's always bad yeah ah I was with a girl that had an iron deficiency and every time she would want me to choke her the next day she would just have like these horrible bruises around her neck and she just would have to like wear like turtlenecks and stuff but it looked like if I ever got in trouble oh I'm [ __ ] diagnoses an anemic which really yeah which is pleasant do you eat a lot of red meat I do yeah I'm going to start on iron supplements well I think it organized like three days ago I'm actually going to the doctor again 30 minutes for the second check on this you know you you still smoke cigarettes that probably has a factor in too yeah no doubt yeah cigarettes I think I think that's one of them is that what is anemic yeah just you don't it's low-key but he burglar burn in your blood they did a blood test it's the hemoglobin globin Cleburne yeah hemoglobin hemoglobin oxygen yeah I'm not hugely anemic yeah but I'm there's a link I'm a little bit there's a PubMed study on it the effects of cigarette smoking on hemoglobin levels and anemia screening yeah I it seems to cause a generalized upward shift of the hemoglobin distribution curve which reduces the utility of the hemoglobin level to detect anemia so it it you your body doesn't detect anemia so it doesn't compensate as much oh so I'm I'm I'm a super pale guy and that's when you see super pale people is often they're they're anemic I think I'm anemic oh yeah you guys [ __ ] cigarettes man that is that is just I was just born like I'm pale from a pale family we're just pay it's like one of the things I hate about being pale is it seems like one of the few things in society about a way of human being looks that people in society could just pass [ __ ] judgment yeah with and
like not act like they're being [ __ ] yeah they can make fun of you yeah if you see someone with a big nose and you go [ __ ] you got a big nose people go whoa he's up where yeah but you go I'll have all that people who are actors on my [ __ ] show who I'm employing who want to be more [ __ ] episodes go [ __ ] your pail man [ __ ] you you get offended by that for real I know I just find a reason to say I don't know I do get offended by it in the sense that it doesn't bother me personally that I'm pale right it bothers me when people bring it up I don't mind looking pale I even dislike I did a photo shoot once for some head shots and the lady [ __ ] put bronze Roy I mean that whole photo shoots ruined because I look too Brown and it doesn't suit me you can't let them [ __ ] with you with the makeup and what is that tanning like you yeah yeah I I a selfie in a tanning booth I did the gayest selfie ever look it's not the gayest you know have a [ __ ] in your mouth or your my hand I tried to I tried my whole life to sun-baked in the tan and to get darker all through high school when it did affect me when I did not like the way I looked or wasn't at I wasn't it ease with the way I looked oh I see so there's a residual thing when someone's making fun of you saying you're pale it used to be they call me Casper at school and stuff like that you can't do that about black people no damn you're dark like you see no I got really native Palmeri that the whole world wants to be like a coffee color right because always white people are trying to like get darker and then the really black people now it's very common to them bleach their skin that bleach it down a bit they don't want to be super black is it really yeah there was a thing I was watching it on something I chose it this lady kept on bleaching her kids because she didn't want them to be super super black they want to all be Beyonce Brown Beyonce Brown I think that's it that's the type of paint that you get down at home diva I want some Beyonce Brown they want to be Beyonce sort of that Whitney Houston sort of color and white people want to be darker and we all want to meet in this one sort of middle range Mexican yeah there's a there's a
nutritional supplement that allows people to bleach their skin it's something that's been really popular in the Philippines [ __ ] is the stuff called there's a there's there's an actual like nutritional supplement that people take and they inject it apparently it's a it's gained popular in the Philippines for some strange reason well you even look like the movie stars are always sort of like a more milky black and then when you have like a girl who is that girl out of Africa I think she said I forget she's British to something out of 12 years a slave I didn't see that she got nominated for the Oscar and all right oh it's great yeah and she was she was amazing it but now they would they were talking about like how liberating or how good it was to see an actual black woman portrayed like you know like she she had afro he type of hair like shaved down she wasn't trying to look like a white chick or something you know what I mean right the fashion people were going that's we really like this now I think we're what maybe see if I was black I don't understand women who do the hit if I was back I would be afro all day I would be like Jackson 5 it's hot I know I was whenever you see a chick with that hairdo it's always like [ __ ] look at that foxy chick it's always a big turn from a turn-on for me I love a chick with an afro it was big in the seventies girl she's down that Foxy Brown had it right yeah when you see like the chickies like I'm a member of the Black Panthers and they got the big [ __ ] afro you're like [ __ ] take me down thank you thank the white man choke me glutathione is it as I couldn't remember it glutathione they they take injections of this [ __ ] or they rub it on our skin I don't know what the [ __ ] they're doing but uh maybe both but glutathione apparently makes your skin lighten that's it that's how you wanna look at that out fro there that's on her [ __ ] too yeah should have a big hairy thing between the legs hairy count is the worst thing in the world I really used to be didn't used to be a problem at all I yeah but I there was a girl there was a guy [ __ ] at Island who was one of the best-looking girls I ever [ __ ] laid eyes on and she was at a gig and I
was like single and young in my 20s and I made like I'm gonna get that girl right and I was gigging it on for three days and I romance this girl from the moment I met her I took her out to lunch the next day and then dinner and the thing and took her to another show invited her friends I worked her right and it's very hard to [ __ ] an Irish chick and this chick was about 19 it's hard to [ __ ] in the house check yeah they've got it they've all gone to Catholic schools they all have this cloud of sex is evil over them they didn't have playboy until the mid-1990s Wow right it's a pretty repressed old sexual Society the island anyway so I [ __ ] got this girl she's a little bit like she wasn't up for a bra convinced her and said I'm gonna come over to London and hang out at me and I was like this is like my girlfriend now on it and then like what was it like 2004 and like a [ __ ] a full-length wild bush and I had grown up in this era of not really saying and I was just I almost couldn't I did [ __ ] it but I almost couldn't it was so horrific I still have flashbacks right now as I'm saying it I can see it it was menacing here's the total complete opposite when I was in high school I was dating this girl dating like you know we date we'd go on and off and you know didn't you know in the on-and-off she was banging this other guy who told her told her to shave her [ __ ] yeah so she came over my house and we're about to get it and she's like I can't I can't take my pants off and I go why because you're gonna think I'm a [ __ ] and I go why why I think your [ __ ] like she goes cuz whatever the guys name is he talked me to shake my [ __ ] and I'm so embarrassed I'm like I don't give a [ __ ] like what do I care you know he soared and freaked that well I didn't care no not at all alright I was but but she was scared that I was gonna see her with shaved [ __ ] the complete opposite it's you it's the only way to go but this is like you know nineteen eighty whatever the hell it was I was about a weird when there's there's always women that you know have a hairy bush when they're having a conversation with you and like why would men want to have sex with like a shaved [ __ ] like I must be like having sex with like a child and you're
like that is the weakest argument you could [ __ ] and then why then then you should only kiss men with beards if you kiss a man who shave his face what are you kissing a young boy is straight you [ __ ] pedophile go out with a [ __ ] Muslim count with a bid where you're happiest right it's actually did you know that peda raft is someone who actually has sex with children on a run off pedophile better assed pet a raft that's a good spot for a pedophile pedophile someone who's attracted pet arrest is someone who has sex with them but not attractive yeah they just do it because it's fine that's a very good analogy though the beard analogy and the bush analogy some people just don't want to do anything that they don't want to do anything that like a society standard like a woman doesn't want to have to agree like why should I shave my [ __ ] why should I have to like some women they like that like what because it's in porn is that what it is because that's what it is it's it's your to hit one it might be it might be because important but it's also because once a man's used one of those shaven ones it's a lot more enjoyable than the coarseness of the I remember [ __ ] hairy pussy's and having my cockle beaten up like it's been [ __ ] ripped through a brillo pad the last one I had which is uh way back in the 90s the last girl the with a crazy wild bush it's like my dick got all rubbed raw was horrible it's like [ __ ] a brillo pad it's it shouldn't be it shouldn't be a [ __ ] like dhawan I sure I'm sure you could explain it while we have hairy nuts and bolts but pubic hair should die out they reckon crabs is dying out because of the shave and [ __ ] that it's on the decline because it can't be parsley but you know it's on the rise and hipster beards that's where they live now they just jump from one Pabst Blue Ribbon candidate it's true no that would be cold Christ I hate how hipsters now call themselves nerds they do yeah it's well it's like even like queso I'm doing I got nothing I'm doing the Nerdist podcast scenary I like those guys Chris Hardwick's a nice bloke he's a nice guy not a nerd no he's a handsome guy with Gaucher handsome guy with like a model girlfriend no no no no being interested in Star Wars does not make you a [ __ ]
nerd having hobbies isn't what a nerd is yeah you're symmetrical face yeah with you know what a nerd is I notice a person who can't hold down a conversation and can't look a woman in the eye that's a [ __ ] nerd man yeah yeah you're just a Napoleon Dynamite Napoleon Dynamite isn't it leaving the guys off the Big Bang Theory they're realness but there's now this like girls going girls wearing t-shirts playing I heart nerds really really a guy with a [ __ ] clubfoot and flaky skin around his face is this you heart is it guy with food stuck in his braces yeah yeah that's really yeah who is a little bit autistic and that's why he's good at school but not at everything else yeah you like that yeah that's that's what you like how dare you know you you like you like wearing a [ __ ] backpack that looks like Elmo that's what you enjoyed are you like Hello Kitty stickers on your iPhone yeah yeah yeah I and then like you'll see like a girl that would be like I'm a nerd and she's wearing perfect pigtails and glasses and fake tip yeah and I'm like you're a [ __ ] a [ __ ] machine that's what you are you're Eric um depository that's hardly a nerd I remember not wanting to [ __ ] nerds because they were nerds why of a sudden as the nerd culture becomes so [ __ ] well I think people are just always trying to be a part of a [ __ ] group whether it's be hipsters be nerds be whatever there's a learner in school I didn't have many friends but I wouldn't classify myself as a nurse how can you have friends I had problems making friends and the main problem I have now that I I when I look back I wasn't good at sport a bit of a dick as well was no way probably to probably talked a little bit too much when I should have shut up you know it may have been irritating but I think my main problem was because I found it very easy to make friends after school once I got out of school I found it very easy to make friends in university I made friends very easily and my mother was a school teacher at my school oh [ __ ] christ not just any school teacher the 300-pound school teacher that yelled at everybody that walked around Whitacre oh so you got it at school and at home yeah oh my god almost have been [ __ ] tortured go is not a fun time oh my but
I remember when I went to university like actually enjoying this whole Wow where all these [ __ ] yeah and like girls liking me and [ __ ] I'm like ah this is what it's like when your mother isn't within 5 feet of you all the time oh yeah that's a big difference though yeah that's a terrible situation you got your mother who's telling your older brother to kick your [ __ ] ass and then you get to school and she's the one who yells at everybody and then all your friends know that your mom is the country teacher that yells at everybody yeah so none of your friends I had a couple of friends at school but they never wanted to come over to the house yeah it was a very hard sell to what are you coming to my house yeah it's not let's go hang out with the Wallabies that's going at the bush hey I have a foot fetish yeah no I just want to give you at any like mom type sexual mom a lot of foot fetish people have mom reasons yeah cuz they're yeah cuz as a young kid you always see your MOT your CC your mom's feet yeah but I I just liked my mother yeah she's alright she's alright now yeah I find I get a lot more I like my mother more now that I've had a child because she is proven herself to be a good grandmother but but she was [ __ ] hard work I used to say to I said why did you make me go to the same school that you were teaching at it was the most nearby school and she goes well I was there first like you competing with your [ __ ] kids go teach at the school over the road it was it was an all-girls school just down the street I don't care if you teach me it's cool within a half a mile of where I am well I was there from yeah I was at first but she just liked to keep an eye on us constantly it's very dominating childhood look look how you turned out you flung the other way yeah that's how it works yeah I mean what we're talking about about you having a hard time shutting up in school and being a bit of a dick all those things are perfect for being a comedian yeah the comedian a bit of a dick and talks a little too much that's the guy was gonna say the funny [ __ ] first yeah right I I you know what's weird now is I go back to Sydney and all the guys I went to school with who I they probably didn't think they were bullying me but who I felt bullied by for whatever
reason they all come as a group to my shows and they're like come and meet me backstage and they say oh happy that and I hold no grudge they're good guys you know what I mean but they weren't my mates at school I don't remember them I think his bully at school for the same reason survival kit yeah well they fight it's it's it's a natural instinct and they get shitty parenting I think that's a lot of where it comes from yeah they get bullied at home it becomes a natural part of how do you behave you get bullied by your brothers get bullied by your dad get bullied by your uncles who and then the first opportunity you get to [ __ ] on somebody you do it's a lot of it is kids that grow up associating other people with competition and abuse and you know they just associated in a negative way it was the bit I found hardest about the whole thing was [ __ ] the guys I just wanted cheeks to like me well that's why you got into comedy right yeah well I got into comedy girls like I actually did pretty good with girls in high school I I look back on it now photos of me 16 17 I was a good-looking kid I didn't think it at the time but I look back on it like I wasn't bad looking at that age I did good in high school but then after high school I went through a [ __ ] terrible drought that didn't didn't go away until I became a comic oh no I did I'm a high school in university really but I I was getting attracted never go at my school it was always either go see other schools find out where their parties were happening to get laid well two girls that knew you as a problem yeah yeah yeah yeah if you'd Spain if you'd spent more than 10 minutes with me you were [ __ ] me but if I could if I could make you at a party where the music was too loud that I couldn't bore you with conversation there was a good chance that I've sex with you I didn't get laid at all in college and the reason being is I took a year off after high school and then went to UMass Boston which was like a commuting high school it was not a high school where you are not a college rather Community College wasn't a college where you was doing stay there you would you would live somewhere else you know and then you would go and take your classes there so everybody was like working and I was
a loser you know I didn't have anything going on I was I was a martial arts champion but I was I was poor and I was teaching martial arts and I was trying the only reason why I was going to school at all well so that people didn't think I was an idiot I I studied musical theater did you yeah so you got a bang actresses it was the best it was it was that I only took 20 kids a year into the course 3,000 people auditioned whoa I was like a very prestigious thing was the same cause the Hugh Jackman did and there was an acting people I couldn't act good enough so I got I could sing a bit so I got the musical theater thing he's saying and I could back in the day yeah you sing no no no soundtrack to legit I'll tell you I'll tell something about me you might not know there's a little fact about me I sang I sing twice in the Australian Opera in the course real as an employed opera singer yeah Wow like what kind of like what I was 8 I was it i've had i've had vocal nodules i've had surgery on my voice i can't / i'm not making up though i I sang in Charles grew nose Romeo and Julia and vogner's the Flying Dutchman as chorus what are vocal nodules um cat polyps on your vocal cords basically calluses from smoking coke yelling is mostly from yelling from them bashing together they get calluses so you can actually get your vocal cords close enough together to make higher sounds because there's always a gap of them from these little things so makes you a man taking needles yes you're a [ __ ] man is what it is yeah well I guess of course yeah Wayne's voice came from exactly it's like these these grisilde comedians who have yelled on stage all times because they're just covered like that you know what else is vanity like these blonde white Bobby slighting yeah Paul up top I'm telling you that guy's vocal cords is just just nodule on nodule I'm telling it he might have had the vocal surgery from I might be wrong but I've heard of comedians that have had that before it's more than well yeah I had this before I was a comedian I try to save the singing career so you had surgery on the polyps yeah yeah so they shaved down the cows couldn't couldn't talk for I couldn't talk for two months
oh my god two months yeah just riding on a [ __ ] pad oh that was when I that was when I thought this job I'm gonna get these back because I partied too much and I've got no other skills I got no other skills in the [ __ ] world and I decided I always wanted to be a comedian but it was a job that my parents would never let me do or it wouldn't let you do they said it wasn't my parents were happy with the musical theatre cuz they saw what my mother could brag and act like it was a bit more lady dire than darling but I decided I was going to be a comedian in that two months where I couldn't talk Wow and it was like a secret that I had to myself like that's [ __ ] awesome and I'd already I was like checking out like where the open mics were in Howard yeah I started watching a lot of stand-up daytime videos and and that's what I did you know living by myself not talking for a couple of months that's [ __ ] awesome and what was the talk about before with the AH the great thing about the course though so ten boys ten ten girls and there was two years above us so it's three years so there was there was like 90 people in the whole sort of Department half eighty percent of the men were gay right in the course of study musical theater so we had eight gay guys and two heterosexuals all the women were [ __ ] hot as [ __ ] we're like like been dancing since Iraq it'd and just singing and [ __ ] they they were just and that we're all like twenty it was the best thing ever is the reasonable looking [ __ ] heterosexual guy it was fantastic now one of the the main girls in the course was a girl called Chantelle Barry and Chantelle was going was the one that we were all like she's gonna be a star she was stunning you can look her up on the net she was [ __ ] stunning she could sing better than everyone else she could she was she had everything this girl right and then they brought out the first version of like Pop Idol or American Idol or whatever that it was done in Australia first I was called making the band or whatever really they were the show was actually originated in New Zealand but then in Australia they made this girl band called Bardot where all the people came in and auditioned to be in his girl band and the girl that I
was at University she went to this audition for this TV show she got in the band but they played it over weeks and weeks and weeks no cameras in the house it was the first reality big reality show ever where we were watching these people just living in a house and people couldn't fathom whether there's no actors this is real it was like a very there she is there yeah anyway so I used to stand behind her stretching and dance class everyone just [ __ ] just all I wanted was to have sex with this young lady never happened right so anyway so she gets in this band and she steals the story guys she stills on a 10 or 20 dollars one of the other girls who are in the bands bag and she gets caught cuz it's [ __ ] cameras everywhere so she's got this big opportunity everyone else who was in this band has gone under big things like sophie Monk is the model out here dated Ryan Seacrest for a while she was one of the other girls in the band and now does big modeling and his movies and [ __ ] right so Chantelle gets kicked out of the [ __ ] band right over right so she moves over she's bad press in Australia they're all really slagging her off and all that type of stuff she was sort of our friend and she moved over to LA and I remember like looking at a myspace page like wow she's made in LA she was back up singing for Lionel Richie or something right like everything worked out for her right cut to first season of legit we need a girl in a scene that is just hot girl number two right she comes into the audition I went [ __ ] out Shanta Bay she didn't recognize me or remember me at all and I said where's your accent and then I started saying the suburbs she was from from about this and you have two other sisters yeah you look like someone else – Alison cuz I used to party it out Cisco and I got you got a butterfly tattoo just above your ass just after she goes yeah and I when I win and we were at the University together alright and then she went oh did we fight and then I went alright give her the part right because I'm a good guy the part had like one line and then she came on set and I think in that moment this is how much of an [ __ ] I must be she remembered who I was from school when
she came on sandy came on set she was like cuz Jim Jeff my last name is Nugent I use my middle name as a stage name because it's had no I just did Jim Jeffries sound better than Jim Nugent Jim Jeffrey you know what I mean it was just it was a little tiny thing too alliteration you know right and so she I wasn't going by my original name so she had no reason and then I sort of reminded I said I used to come over and your mum used to make this type of food and bla ba ba ba ba ba ba I think she was so pissed off that I made it and she didn't but I had my own TV show that she went up to the producer and went I've got food poisoning I need to go home just walked off the set what didn't even do the job maybe she's just had a little squirt maybe she had to leave really yeah Wow didn't take the gig man so you what what makes you think that it's because of that I just think it's I just think people get [ __ ] jealous man we all get jealous I think she just was like [ __ ] this [ __ ] cuz I was the guy at university that you thought wouldn't make it all the other gay guys had abs and other stuff and I was like a bit of a doughy [ __ ] marshmallow looking [ __ ] who could sing a little bit who couldn't dance at all and was acting it was pretty average they always kicked out like five people a year from the course like you're not good enough I left after I got the nodules and I always got to get kicked out anyway that was already right on the cards I walked before I jumped before I was pushed that competitive thing of show business is one of the weirdest aspects of it yeah you know sometimes even in relationships I had a friend who got something and his girlfriend started crying well he got some part in some TV show and his girlfriend started crying because she was like well something could happen for me like that was her immediate reaction yeah and I remember thinking wow I gotta get rid of that but yeah these something is about to happen to you I'm was that that's very unattractive that competitive things yeah you can't help a little bit with comedy it's very hard to never have it with any other style comic there's always gonna be one where you got that guy but I I I found out now and I think it's easier because I got a bit of
success but I don't give a [ __ ] well any I just worry about me I don't give a [ __ ] if someone's got a movie or so I don't give a [ __ ] I just worry about me and then you know the good guys you know the bad guys and that's it but when in the early days it was more I got more jealous at how's that going at that club I've been trying to get into that Club forever that's just the frustration of not having made it yet and then once you have and you got some success that goes away and then you can actually enjoy it right I think they're successful people who are still [ __ ] don't want any other cut well there's a lot of successful people also that only work with terrible comedians so that they shine have you ever seen like a really good guy brings like the [ __ ] worst guys ever on the road to open for me torch is the audience for a half an hour with the worst [ __ ] [ __ ] stand-up ever just so they can come in and clean up the show and look like a hero yeah and that's really what it is they don't want anybody to shine that's a very weed common yeah it's common but it's yeah I I always the same I like is chase the dream not the competition it's a good thing yeah I mean because if you're worried about the competition you'll always feel it's like people who got angry at [ __ ] Aziz Ansari like who the [ __ ] cover you know I mean who gets angry I then means plenty of comics who don't think he deserves what does that mean you know what is deserve these are this is my thing well whether you like him or not you're not a little tiny Indian bloke who's a little bit hip-hop so at least the guy's unique he's not stepping on your [ __ ] toes I've never met another country in the comedy community it's that zero-sum thing that people have this idea that there's a finite amount of gigs there's a finite amount of audience members and if Jim Jefferies becomes big I've had that takes away from me I've had people accused me of being like a foreigner coming over taking American jobs that's hilarious who did that they're not people you'd know anyway who cares name um so we don't ever know him there's a radio station in Tampa that that got into me about that oh my god that's so said that I'd come over and [ __ ] America it made me famous above
I said look I give back to America – and my show employs over a hundred people and I've written and I produce it this is a recent thing that's yeah yeah and I said my TV show employs over a hundred different people in different jobs right and then he went well if you do it that an American would do it he like doesn't matter mate is that true I did it doesn't matter that's not true that idea is not true the idea that if you didn't make that show someone else would make that should be another show in its place or something I don't know who the [ __ ] knows what it would be might not employ as many people it might not be a drama it might be a reality show that employs very few people works non-union you know that attitude is so stupid it's oh sorry immigrant thing that you get I got it in the UK as well is well we're all [ __ ] immigrants exactly every United States is a hundred percent immigrants yeah hundred percent yeah immigrants or the children of immigrants yeah that's how this was made unless you're Native America and they say eighty percent of all businesses in America now are the from immigrants or the sons and daughters first generation immigrants even if you're on Native American that means you came over on the Bering Strait your great-great-great great-grandfather walked here from [ __ ] Asia that's American I mean unless you're talking about Native Americans that were they have their DNA combined like Mexicans is a lot of Native Americans that had sex with Spaniards yeah like way way way way back in the day but when you when they do the DNA chart of Native Americans one of the things they found when they were researching there was a guy who was a Mormon a hardcore Mormon he's a really rich guy and he wanted to prove that Joseph Joseph Smith was correct and everything that he said in the Bible was true and that the Native Americans were the Lost Tribe of Israel so he mapped out the the genome of the Native Americans turns out they're from Siberia yeah so they came down they walked when it was a solid landmass they've got AI Siberia is that name Mongolia no well Siberia is Russia yeah sort of near it in the fact that the Mongols actually invaded then they invaded a Russia and so that good with geography I've traveled the [ __ ] world I don't
know anything wow that's all on the same I mean you wouldn't want to walk there but I mean it's all in the same landmass it's all snow it's no suck yeah shoveling their [ __ ] driveways but they're happy [ __ ] we're in their tennis right well they reckon the happiest place on earth is Denmark or something and it's like highest tax bracket and and you know why it's because the most content people maybe not the happiest most content people on earth are endemic because it gets [ __ ] dark at 3:00 and there's you don't even dream about being a famous movie star or a musician there's no entertainment business that comes out of it you have to keep your dreams at a nice low level in Denmark so you never get crushed by the world the world never create you never have a girlfriend going when's it going to happen for me all you have is people sitting around denmark going uh well you know on saturday we're going to have a drink aren't we so I'll see I'll see Hans that'll be fun that's as much as your dreams get to Saturday having a beer with your body you know you never get ahead of yourself there's a Werner Herzog documentary on Siberia called happy people life in the taiga it's about all these people that live up there virtually no mental illness a lot of [ __ ] really content happy people all they do is fish and trap and hunt that's all they do it's all they do they trade like skins and meat and fish for you know [ __ ] chain saw blades that's the thing is you know when you go fishing there's very few people that can [ __ ] you over in your day it's true you go work in an office you're getting [ __ ] over by people who are smiling at you well you're also dealing with unbelievably unnatural behavior sitting in a box the same box every day eight hours a day plus and commuting and all day you're sitting and you're [ __ ] there's no physical movement at all there's nothing explosive going on with your body no use of your senses no fight-or-flight but it's all it's also that the it's like the bullying thing that you see you see these people who were when you first walk in to see a or assistance and they sat in that front thing and they'd always have a jar of M&Ms and they'd be like hey Jim great to see ya know that like the happiest
person in the world I'm getting ahead in the world oh and then they have that can't that set behind them that used to just call them a piece of [ __ ] because they got their coffee on a wrong right and then they go home and cry even though they smile to you because it's part of their job and then the second that they get to move into that back little room and they get a person up there they're [ __ ] telling that person that I can't they can't get coffee to save their life do you remember that circle of life never ends there's Kevin Spacey movie ah which one the Kevin Spacey movie where he's like the worst [ __ ] employee ever or the employer ever he's like an agent and he hires some guy and they wind up kidnapping him was that moving Kevin's [ __ ] [ __ ] I can't remember that movie Kevin Spacey agent movie yeah he's a [ __ ] complete I I gotta get garlic to the doctors guys oh is that a problem no that never probably two and a half hours that's [ __ ] great I just want to tell people with this [ __ ] movie is goddamn it that's not the movie that's another movie that he made that was based around the original first movie find it find it Jamie find it before I thought you better go that's your assignment fawning neighbor wasn't there movie could kangri Jack or something yeah yeah there was definitely not as kangaroo jack to my girlfriend at the moment can't leave the house cuz we live just was it Jamie said swimming with sharks that's exactly what it is yeah it's [ __ ] great that's it that's a great movie we see what kind of a terrible environment that agent environment is it's the worst man that's the one where he sweat I've seen the speech out of it there's a torch is this young kid that works for him I just have a girl that I dated that worked for an agent she'd wake up the mill the night freaking out like that she forgot to do something he was brutal he was just so that that's like every occupation must have that where you wake up and they're like going I forgot to [ __ ] yeah but it's a 24-hour job what about like the bloke who who puts bolts on engines for junior obviously there's inspectors that handle that a long one yeah it takes a couple of people would have a bad day simultaneously yeah
this girl though this gig of being an assistant to an agent was literally all day like he would call her up in the middle of the night I need eggs I don't have any eggs go get me some eggs bring in my house like he would have to she would have laundry she'd have to pick her up like it was all day every day she made [ __ ] money barely could survive and it was all day on call if you're watching this live don't go to Laurel Canyon right now why's that my girlfriend's I live in Mount Olympus my girlfriend has to walk up the [ __ ] hill and park the car and the bottom end of the road which is like a mile up the hill what's going on with the way there's a there's a cop being shot well in Laurel Canyon and the guys barricaded himself in his house it was domestic thing in there stand I heard about that this morning that's still going on well she just texts me doesn't drive down this way because she's walking up the hill [ __ ] alright folks watch Jim Jeffries show legit it's on FX FX X where X is where 1x X parity what happened there why did it wow they accommodate got a new channel and they had to move something so are sunny in philadelphia in the league or moved over they've got this back-alley g's on after our show that's beautiful how is it I heard that algae one is a lot of his old stuff – that was the aging it's all the stuff that I did in England it never had over here with that's the whole show with different intros and stuff like that ah beautiful it's great it's repackaged in that one but that's not after me don't worry about that don't worry about legit what time is legit when should they watch it's at 10:00 unless you have DirecTV which means it goes forward to 7 because you get them West Coast feed but yeah it's 10 o'clock East Coast it's 10 o'clock East Coast you enjoy working for FXX love it good beautiful alright legit watch it you don't have a podcast anymore stop doing that no I don't have a podcast at the present I'm on the I'm on two at the moment if you're watching I'm doing this Saturday I will be at Club Nokia in LA and I'm somewhere in San Francisco this Friday you don't even know I think they both sold out but just check anyway check your [ __ ] I try Mary's [ __ ]
stand-up comic yeah yeah I'm onto it people this is Australia very populist right I will be touring the entire month of April across Australia all major cities for the whole month glorious glorious ladies and gentlemen Jim Jefferies thanks brother that was a lot of fun thanks I mean thanks to our sponsor go to squarespace.com and use the codeword Joe that's it right someone is its Squarespace yeah wait a minute is that it yeah Squarespace calm Cold War Joe yeah use a codeword Joe save yourself ten percent and thanks also to audit calm use the code word Rogan save 10% off any and all supplements we will be back ladies and gentlemen we've got a lot of podcast this week much love