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hello freaks the [ __ ] is going on out there in freak world and you're like hey man I'm not a freak but you are you really are everybody is it's impossible to avoid if you think you're not a freak you're more likely a freak if you think you're a freak you're probably normal that's probably the truth if you're like I don't [ __ ] fit in man you're probably normal but all you weirdos who think this makes sense oh [ __ ] you [ __ ] you all I'm not a freak yes you are this episode of The JO ran Experience Podcast is brought to you by Squarespace listen freaks I know you need a website everybody does I've been telling my [ __ ] trainer about this [ __ ] for weeks like oh my good I got to do it dude Brian's done a hundred of them while we've done the commercials it's so [ __ ] easy Squarespace lets you make a real professional looking website and do it so easily and you don't even have to use your money to try it it's a beautiful situation what you do is you try you sign up you you test it you enter in your information as far as like your name and all that jazzz but you don't have to enter in your credit card information at all until you decide that you want to use it so try it out create a website and then go you know what this is [ __ ] easy this is incredible inredible Bam Shazam Super Slam and if you need Squarespace uh help if you need help they offer 247 super fast email support and live online chat support yeah you can create really easy websites you can use your own images you can create an online store in minutes you could easily sell music digital downloads say if you're a band and you decide you know what man our needs [ __ ] a way to sell our music online you can do that on Space why are you [ __ ] around why are you Glu to your couch you [ __ ] lazy [ __ ] today just for once in your goddamn life do it just get up and be the person that you could be live to your [ __ ] potential go go make a [ __ ] website you can put together an invents calendar social media Integrations you can you know connect it to Twitter Facebook Tumblr it also works on everything it works on Android phones works on Windows works on a Mac works on different browsers which was always the big thing when you had a [ __ ] website
like some [ __ ] has to try to break out like Netscape you use your [ __ ] on Netscape and it comes out of boxes is are [ __ ] stacked on top of each other by the way none of the websites created during the making of This podcast reflect reality Tom does not like [ __ ] he's a happily married man these are just jokes his wife is here okay we have actual solid evidence that he likes women his beard is here Tom Tom has butt sex in this house um and that is online right now that's how easy it is to make a website with squ you know what this is it I'm walking off so disrespectful my brother easy easy with that uh use the code word Joe and the number 10 and you will save 10% 10 for the month of October you will save 10% off your first purchase on new accounts includes monthly and annual plans we are very happy with Squarespace we like them very much and I I cannot recommend them enough I think it's a a really fantastic resource if you want to create your own website go there code Joe and the number 10 all one word Joe 10 we're also brought to you by stamps.com stamps.com is a wonderful resource for sending things through the mail oh my goodness is it so much better than going to the goddamn post office and making someone weigh your packages and [ __ ] like let's just say you create a website with Squarespace then you could [ __ ] sell the [ __ ] that you make on stamps.com you print up your own US postage they provide you with a digital scale if you use the offer code JRE there's like an old timey microphone up in the upper right hand corner you click on that and enter in the code word JRE and when you do that they'll give you $110 special offer which includes $55 a free postage and a free digital scale that you are not allowed to weigh mushrooms on no no no it's a sweet scale though no don't you do it and don't try to send that [ __ ] through the mail seriously if you do don't use the post service that's uh federal crime super illegal what you need to do is hire someone who doesn't speak English and have them walk that [ __ ] there for you there you go preferbly somebody that just arrived and from a really like safe country like Germany somewhere like you know you're not you're not going to like red flag a German guy like this guine he's probably just out
engineering or some [ __ ] um stamp.com use the code word JRE to get your $110 bonus offer if you've ever seen any of those Des Squad kitty cat shirts to John John John John the Taylor Thomas that Brian Brian makes I call you John because everyone calls me John that's my real name no I'm reading and talking at the same time uh those are all sent by this service it's so simple it's uh it's what what Brian uses I've talked to quite a few people that sell things and send them through the mail on stamps.com because you you know the the postman actually comes to your house you give them the packages and you're Diggity Diggity done that's what Tommy and Christine did to sell all their [ __ ] absolutely. before they sponsored your mom's house believe in the product see this good it really is good you guys sell a lot of [ __ ] through your mom's house right you like you're big on like like what was the the one line the new one the one the black guy that's yelling bikes bikes yeah the new new bike shirt huge seller it's so cute watching them like work together too like you go home and they have like their whole little setup and they they it's like they they share like you know turns like we'll talk about that in a minute we'll talk about that in a minute because I I do want to bring that up because it is a you are adorable adorable uh anyway that's stamps.com the code word JRE and uh use that and get yourself your $110 bonus offer it's excellent product used by both your mom's house podcast and Des squad.com TV we're also brought to you by on it.com that's o n niit t if you haven't been to on it in a while we uh don't just have supplements anymore it's now it's essentially we started selling we started calling the company a human optimization company and this is a human optimization site what we have is not just supplements but we also have videos and there's blogs up and inspirational [ __ ] that Aubrey puts up we're trying to sell things that we use I'm trying to sell the things that I use as far as like strength and conditioning equipment like kettle bells and battle ropes all that stuff I use uh AB wheels and all chin up bars all these things that Pro promote functional strength as well as all the different healthy supplements
and Foods uh that that we eat just we're just trying to sell you the best [ __ ] possible for increasing human cognition for recovering quicker for keeping your body healthy for strengthening your immune system all of the above that's on it.com o n niit t and use the code name Rogan you will save 10% off any and all supplements all right you dirty [ __ ] bit is Tom [ __ ] sagur and Christina her last name should be sagur boom hit the Music Son The Joe Rogan Experience train my day joean podcast by night all day booah booah Tom [ __ ] to girl Christina [ __ ] p and December 31st there's a big death show at the um American Comedy Company San Diego California and uh I know of at least one person who you can't even say his name he's going to be there because he's not contractually allowed to but he's [ __ ] hilarious so that's at least one that you know that you know we can't even tell you who's on this [ __ ] show is what we're trying to say some top secret [ __ ] it's Halloween there might be zombies I got my Halloween outfit also it's bad what are you going to be Bri BR man my hat is a tip I'm sorry my hat is a tip uh I know what you're going to be I know exactly what you're going to be your hat is a tip can I guess you're a [ __ ] you're going to be a dolphin vagina yeah it's a dolphin with pubic care this is a mess in this right now and this this path of thinking and communication stop um oh Brian what I was going to say is that you guys we were talking the commercials you guys like are the only comedian couple that I know that where it actually works it's why I hate generalization I hate generalizations they drive me nuts because you know when someone says well you know all these men are angry this or all these women are angry that or you know this is that and that well comedians they can never get along together it just doesn't work two creative people two people that think they're funny together it's not going to work and it never does it's always like either the girl's funnier than the guy or the guy's funnier than the girl and there's always this weird [ __ ] resentment thing you guys are the only
ones that I know that actually pull it off I know you're both funny and you actually are like you're really best friends on top of being married like for like you have this air of it's very different than the air of most couples you know you think so much different much different I think we enjoy each other like we enjoy each other sense of humor legit yeah and I think he's super talented and amazing that's the weird thing about it you guys you both actually like each other we do doesn't make any sense we support each other trying to figure it out I've been trying to I'm studying guys for years I'm like something wrong here it is fun I didn't I didn't realize it and then I a guy a guy who's married to a comic or was I don't know anymore because I haven't seen him in a while but he was like uh Hey man uh he saw me at an audition he's like you get pissed like when Christina gets something and you don't get it and I go uh that's super healthy yeah I don't so super healthy he goes that's my problem man I get super pissed when my wife gets something and I was like wow it's not good you need to go to a doctor word but that's a natural reaction with a lot of people that have never thought about their thinking like a l a lot of people's thinking just operates on momentum and you know you might say oh that guy's an [ __ ] and they might be an [ __ ] in all respects because of the way they behave but it's the paths that get you on thinking like that that are the real problem right it's like a lot of people when they do [ __ ] as [ __ ] while they're doing the [ __ ] as [ __ ] they're barely even aware that they're doing it just you know they have something wrong with them whatever it is emotionally whatever is imbalance and it just comes out like that but a lot of it is just like how do you how did you get to that like how do you think about things like what is your choice that you make like when someone if do you feel if you feel guilt or you feel rather um not guilt that was um uh jealousy if you feel jealousy that because your spouse got something if you feel that like you should you should repel that you should figure out what the [ __ ] is wrong with that ab and go no no no this should be inspiring this should be wonderful this should be fantastic like you have
whatever it is that's trying to flare up its ugly green head you got to learn how to suppress that some people never do or explore why the feeling is this because usually when you're jealous of something someone else is doing it's because you want that thing and maybe you're not doing what you need to be doing absolutely that's really what that is absolutely there's a lot of that for sure but I think there's there's a few elements I think there's also just a natural competitive element that a lot of people have to fight off that they don't realize this person is not your enemy just cuz this person is winning you know this person is not your enemy because they're ahead of you in this race it's like that's just inspiration that's just a person like if you if you decide to create a gang of enemies for everybody that's you can do it you can do it or you can have a gang of friends and just Inspire each other that's totally possible as well with the same group of people yeah if everybody gets their [ __ ] together yeah we were just talking about kind of the atmosphere that you fostered by being supportive of other Comedians and that's actually very rare I don't think a lot of people are secure enough but it's also indicative do that and it's awesome of of what we were talking about is indicative of successful TR truly successful people try to make other people Inspire other people to be successful in other words they afraid they're not afraid of of bringing people along and trying to encourage their success well a lot of people are afraid of losing their gig you know a lot of people are afraid of someone bumping them out but I've got a lot of gigs I just keep doing different [ __ ] you know and and if I didn't do any these things I'll find something else to do there's a lot of [ __ ] out there to do man like if you get tripped up on what other people are doing you're missing out on your own life definitely you got to look at everybody who's doing something awesome and go [ __ ] yeah that's what you got to do you got to go that can help me I see this [ __ ] out there humping when I find out about a guy like like who's like a a really hard worker like a Daniel TSH who's like you know Daniel TSH is like a super hard worker yeah you know I put it like he and I had this conversation because he
got accused of being a lazy right during that whole Heckler thing someone called him someone called him lazy because of that whole you know that whole Heckler thing where some woman yelled out uh rape is never funny and he goes wouldn't it be funny if Five Guys raped her right now which was really funny rude but I described that on stage I'm like that's actually the move that's actually what you would do like if you're a black belt in comedy it's the equivalent to the counter to the overcommitted kamur The Far Side armar like if if you're doing Jiu-Jitsu and a guy tries to Comm to a kamora but he doesn't have control of his body you spin around you take the far side armar it's a standard move if you know Jiu-Jitsu it's it's it's the black belt move this is the black belt move in a comedy club if someone says rape is never funny like oh God you sanctimonious self-righteous [ __ ] is it I didn't know I thought it was hilarious thought it was how stupid are you you you're making a statement that's so ridiculous of course it's never funny but it's funny right there because he just made it funny it's not the actual rape but the use of the word then he got accused of being lazy that [ __ ] guy is the least lazy person I know he humps it uh when I go to he doesn't go there as much anymore but for a long time every time I would go to Hermosa Beach yeah he used to live really close to the club he would come in and I'm saying like if I did five spots in a row there he would have [ __ ] five pages of notes and try new jokes every single set yeah he's always working man anybody call that guy as but I my point was that I see a guy like that and I get totally fired up to work I get I get fired up to like if when I see someone have a new set like if a new guy comes in town like Chelle used to come to the store all the time and he' come and he'd watch him do like an hour and just God I want to go right you know I just immediately want to go right and that's that's a that's a super important thing for artists you know you can really waste a lot of energy on that jealousy thing it's super easy to do and here's the thing though it doesn't just waste time it doesn't just waste thinking because it takes away from that time and that thinking from really good [ __ ] you could have
been doing you could have been busting your ass writing new jokes you could have been thinking about how to improve yourself you could have been reading a book on you know accepting like a new empowering philosophy in your life you could have been doing so many different things instead of like tripping out about somebody else but you see it all the time like it's so it's essentially you know it's it's like when when people are like writing like these really critical blogs that's my oh that one makes me bananas yeah I mean they're essentially doing the same thing they're essentially doing the same thing cuz no nobody is writing like these super hypercritical blogs nobody Noone those people like happy none those people are successful they're like this weird in this weird limbo I shouldn't say none of them I said I hate generalizations and I made one I'm a hypocrite well it's kind of like it's it's a little bit of that too exists in like disproportionate criticism yeah but like almost like to go out of your way to like you know tag a YouTube yeah video as you know how much you hate it you're like it's really not about that video you know it's about other things oh sometimes it is though well yeah sometimes it's about that video sometimes it is but sometimes it's not sometimes it's not the sheer volume of [ __ ] that's on the internet did you lose your H Power Sound disconnect there we go there we go the sheer volume of of of [ __ ] that's on the internet now I've been you know been writing this big or been doing this bit on stage lately about the evolution of porn from when I was a child but it's just I'm I I it's hard for me to stop and think about a time where nothing came to you from the internet right but I live I grew up in that time right that was how I grew up most of your life and yeah most of my life and so now when I look at it it's it's just become this normal part of my everyday existence but for kids I can't imagine growing up with it it's so such a different world the amount of information they get and actually let's go back to this pornography thing cuz we were just talking about that um like the stuff that I saw first like from the 80s like Ron Jeremy I grew up on Ron Jeremy full bush like it was always playful scenarios like there's a forklift let's
hump on it and now I feel like it's so aggressive and it's it doesn't feel consensual and fun as it did in the 7s well there's still some consensual and stuff but the problem is the aggressive stuff is really popular sells really well it's not the most popular thing but it's just it's so shocking that you focus on it like you find it you go Jesus Christ like some of these I watched this Sasha Gray video it was just like this [ __ ] gang bang and I was like wow how does a where's a person's head at while all these different guys are just balls deep in her face thr throat [ __ ] throat [ __ ] and and she's like telling them how much ball stinks and ask him if he ever washes his [ __ ] balls then she spits on his dick and just it's like God damn like this that's a totally different thing than one of those 1980s run Jeremy you know so softer era porn sounds like just good film making right there you know yeah I mean those people back then were [ __ ] yeah they were they were having sex and everything it was all that but there's there's such a difference between that and like this this thing they're doing now every guys on like 15 pills of Viagra their dicks are crowbars I mean they their dicks never go limp and they just stick it everywhere your [ __ ] mouth and your [ __ ] yeah it's very that's what I'm saying it doesn't and it felt like the nah Harley's back then those women were like I love sex I'm Pro sex and let's make these movies what do you think that is what is what is why is it like that like what do you think what was it like or why is it what do you think why did that become a genre like when it didn't exist initially why is it a genre now the aggression thing yeah yeah because it's a part of humanity that needs to be expressed and now it is and it's like you said there's a bit of a taboo attached maybe I don't know and yeah draws eyeballs a lot of it right it does it has CH I remember I did a a joke about it on my uh thrilled CD about 80s porn and then a porn star heard it and wrote to me from the'80s and she was like yeah when we did porn back then it was like we were a we were like a f not you know ancestral but like it was like we all did it and we you know you were buddies with like the sound guy like
almost like what's that [ __ ] movie um the D digler Boogie kns like everybody knew each other and it was like you knew that Camp real well and I think it was probably a lot lot fewer people doing it because there's no you know you released on film at that point you know like yeah and then now it's like hold up your you know handheld camera they shoot [ __ ] thousand scenes a day and everybody knows you can put it online and you have you got to you got to tap into a market right so there's different genres and it's all about just creating as much content as possible and hitting every realm of of sexuality that you can't even imagine there's not even porn stars anymore if you like like back in the day everyone had their porn stars like their Jenna jamus and stuff like nowadays there's so many girls doing it because of like you know camsites and stuff like that that seems like it's just diluted the whole entire water of and the tube sites like have been crushing that business from what I understand you know it's funny because that business is a legit business it was making billions of dollars a year it was totally legal and yet when the economy collapsed and the internet came along and sucked porn dry like you know literally like porn's dead like as as far as like the the amount of money those guys used to make producing it I mean they used to sell DVDs DVDs would sell a lot and like $50 right like expensive yeah that that business still it still exists to a certain extent but a lot of it is evaporated and because it's evaporated you know it's the business is you know it's been hit hard but nobody ever thinks about bailing out the porn business that is the last thing the government would ever do I mean if you think about like you're trying to protect the economy and different businesses are you know critical to the economy yes porn might be critical to the economy to Americans definitely definitely definitely but why the multiple dick thing why like I point yeah like the the aggression and maybe it has something to do about are we repressing aggression in society and is that why it's coming out that especially if people don't exercise there you go we're definitely doing that because we are we're moving towards an
era where it won't be necessary anymore where aggression won't be necessary anymore I really believe that I think that that's ultimately what's the reason why people are avoiding they like they're a bore of violence and why they they they they hate you know all the the evil aspects of Life Like War the reason why all that is because I think the the human mind as a whole recognizes that it's operating on some really old ideas that it doesn't need to do anymore and eventually we're going to move towards a point where there's some sort of complete consolidation of the human race as far as like our ability to to communicate with each other and our ability to I think we're we're moving towards like this this of not doing all that stuff I think it's it's pretty clear I know can I tell you though I mean have you have you done the Middle East no no I'm not going over there I know see and that reaction is right yeah cuz I've been there like two times and I part of me goes I hope I sure hope the human race gets it together and we can communicate and then you go some cultures are so incompatible with our Western Way of being like will we ever be able to I think the internet's going to open all that [ __ ] up I really do I think it's only a matter time I think he can't hold it back for more than a generation or two I think eventually it's just going to overwhelm it right the places that it's being kind of repressed now will eventually yeah you can't stop it well you know what you're not going to be able to stop the death of religion never you're not going to stop that is a fundamental human need uh to want something bigger than yourself to fear death so much that you need that yeah I was actually saying you're not going to stop the the death of that it won't exist in the future oh right right right don't right right right you don't agree with it you think it's always going to be I don't know if humans will the thing is is that humans are fundamentally afraid of they're afraid of dying right there's the death drive and the sex drive as Freud said yeah and I think that humans are so afraid of of the unknown of the part we don't know and then that's a great comfort and it's existed since we've existed yeah it'll always exist but I think that's just the sense of wonder and also the the the
knowledge that we're finite you know that freaks us out that's terrifying so in a sense I I agree with you and definitely the sense that people replace it so if it's not going to be God then it's going to be like spirituality and yoga yeah that's what I am to find my Center I just feel the Oneness of the universe or if you've done mushrooms you go oh okay yes okay this might get real weird yeah cuz I think that new age Oprah stuff is replacing traditional religion it would be all replaced by mushrooms if they were legal all those dummies would be out of business deepo Chopra out of business just from all of them [ __ ] yeah the pH op of the world would change we were talking about rather I think you can you get a totally different perspective on religion when you live in an era where a new religion finds great success yeah you get to see like seeing Scientology you know I wasn't there for like the actual Inception of but like seeing how it has progressed and grown and seeing everybody's views towards it you have to imagine that there's a lot of Parallels for what youever you view that and if you go back 2,000 years and seeing Christianity evolv AB it's got to be very similar absolutely except the distribution of information is much fur back then it was much more secretive and you know when Constantine and all those Bishops got together and created the New Testament you know they they got to decide people got to decide what stays in what goes out yeah you know they got to decide what they put in and say it's just come on but it makes you want like when you go because you you you hear a lot of you know people obviously be hypercritical of Scientology and you go this is absurd you know you they criticize everything about it and you go well if you go back you know how how is your thing more valuable the Catholic church was tithing people you're talking about angels and Saints you know and and Immaculate Conception like well you're like yeah but that's we've been doing that for a couple thousand years yeah that's the only argument is that it's way older there's a new scholar that claims or a new uh published work by The Scholar that claims that Jesus was a creation and that uh the the Romans made him up as a hoax what yeah he's the author of a book entitled Caesar's
Messiah the Roman conspiracy to invent Jesus it asserts that Christianity did not begin as a religion but was actually a sophisticated government propaganda exercise used to pacify subjects of the Roman Empire his take on Jesus is uh not new apparently in 1844 Carl Marx famously declared religion as the Opie to the masses history is filled with Skeptics blah blah blah blah blah um it's based on uh what he described as an important R revealing parallels between a firstperson account of first century Judea which is in an ancient Roman province known uh uh now part of Israel and Palestine and the New Testament sequence of events locations in Jesus ministry are more or less the same as the sequence of events and locations of the military campaign of Emperor Titus flavus as described by Josephus Josephus at will wrote in a blog on his website is it cool that they were like Josephus that would have been your name that would have been my name or it would be your name if you live in like Virginia this Josephus Josephus makes the Moonshine there's moonshine you can buy at the store but that's [ __ ] you want to get it from Josephus we got to use hickorywood if you don't use hickorywood you ain't making good moonshine I like a little Peach sometimes Little Peach wood piz of hardwood piz of hardwood tickle and popcorn and Jo see if this will get you what you need you'll take out his own show now so who knows whether or not but but it makes sense it it makes sense what you're saying that yeah when you see like something like Scientology in our lifetime where you know oh it's elron hubard that guy lived there's photos of him there he is that's the guy and then you read the other [ __ ] that he wrote and you go hold on a minute yeah hold on a minute this wait no way you mean like anyone can start one of these I got a Dianetics book in the mail I ordered it because uh when I first moved to California I was uh you know watching TV late at night you know like first time uh living out here and I didn't know anybody so I spent a lot of time watching TV and there was an ad for diic improve I'm like damn I got to get some dianic improve my [ __ ] life I didn't know Dianetics with Scientology so uh you know I buy the book and it comes to
my house and I'm like leave through it a little bit it seems interesting ideas they have and and these [ __ ] never stopped to get me to join really they send you these things in the mail they would send you these things in the mail constantly like some new thing and some new offer and come down here and get a personality test and they're like very diligent Relentless they're very diligent they you know and someone who you know is this 94 someone who would buy one of those books because trying to get your [ __ ] together those are the type of people that you would really want to Target you know that's if you want to have a nice group of people that you can control no kidding the vulnerable when you're at your lowest right I was in uh San Diego filming a show and there was a right by where we were filming there was one of those uh personality tests stress test and the e- meter and I went over there and uh I took it you know the guy sat down and it was it was interesting cuz um I got a nice read from him the guy was like in his 50s he had no idea who the [ __ ] I was yeah so it was perfect yeah so uh I sat down with the guy you know there wasn't any weirdness you know like hey is Fear Factor coming back that [ __ ] it was just some old dude had no what do you do and uh I forgot what I told him I don't think I told him the truth yeah or I told him a version of the truth M so I'm holding these things he's asking me questions about like my childhood like did you ever have a cat that died like [ __ ] like that and I'm like this is hilarious and I'm like what happens these these tubes are telling you what what are they telling you there's like a reading that goes through these're you're holding on the cans they're like coffee cans and he's on the other end of them there's a wire it's attached to a machine it's supposed to read your stress wow yeah and from that they can sort of give an assessment of you know then they prescrib Scientology yeah cuz aren't they call like any engrs or something where I don't understand it you're scarred from certain moments of your life and then they go back and try to undo the scarring yes yeah he told you what was wrong with you though was he like here's what he yeah what was wrong with you no was pretty normally he said oh said I could use Scientology
though yeah of course he could always use it assessment well you know I think the deal with like Scientology or anything where a lot of successful people are a part of it though like John Travolta and Tom Cruz and Tom Cruz especially is a very Ultra successful movie star and obviously a very driven guy so you see him being a part of something like that and you go oh well this is obviously doing this guy like a lot of good he's super confident and he's like really positive and SOI radiant with his smile like well this if it works for this guy he's so fired up yeah I mean if it works for him like maybe it's not so bad because you don't see like any Mormons that are like super ultra pumped to [ __ ] Mormon no they keep that [ __ ] kind of on the DL nobody's excited to be Morman it's sketchy yeah like when you know when [ __ ] was running for president when Romney was running for president and it came out that not was he just Mormon but he was from a sect that broke away from the United States because they wanted polygamy so they set up a compound in Mexico everybody's like dude that's a rap that you take care Oh 40 and then 47 % comment too oh right people that are not going to vote for him anyway awesome yeah those two things were big that you can't you your dad was born in Mexico his dad is born in Mexico that's why his dad could never be president that's why he was running for president he was born in America his dad is a Mexican like from Mexico because of Mormonism because they all moved down to Mexico they denounced US citizenship wow so they could [ __ ] set up a compound where they could just ball they just wanted 89 wise wanted to not be locked up so un Amic can I tell you I love that show have you ever seen I don't watch it frequently what is this the Mormon show all the wies Sister Wives oh the HBO show I don't think it's on anymore you're talking about a reality show like TLC oh it's a reality show I don't know if you've seen the wives but my favorite part of the show is that you know this guy was like this is going to be awesome I'm G to get five hot ass chicks we're going to be doing origies and they're all so fat and out of shape like their sister comp yeah they're the pigs and and it's so great cuz like it's totally the opposite of what he wanted cuz they
pump out kids every year and of course like how do you know that's what he wanted I I imagine cuz you know why cuz he gets a younger a hotter model like every five years they allow him to get like ay old and then she balloons over the course they start pretty good looking those other girls are probably poisoning while she sleeps for sure you want to keep her fat for sure yeah right I think Vice did um at least on on their YouTube channel I think they did a profile on uh Romney's Mexican past yeah and yeah oh they definitely did cuz uh Shane Smith came on the show and told us about it it was pretty awesome what they did was awesome yeah well they're badass yeah they're bad advice is Gangster they they go everywhere it's they they're what the journalism world has been needing for a long time for a long time yeah like they're and you know they getting a lot of heat they get a lot of heat from the New York Times They got a a lot of heat from legit journalists that like somehow didn't think that their work was up to standard look you guys are being silly [ __ ] they had introduced a lot of people to a lot of really crazy [ __ ] that maybe they not wouldn't have known about and they cover everything from they're informing them the garbage patch in the middle of Pacific to what's going on in North Korea I mean they went to North Korea and [ __ ] hung out with everybody and ate dinner and they were traveling around in North Korea filming these things I remember it was awesome North Korea was awesome they give zero [ __ ] that Shane Smith is a bad [ __ ] he goes to Africa and hangs out with the cannibals he's hanging out with the Liberian cannibals the guys talking to him about eating babies how he's killed the innocent children of the enemy and eats their heart eat their heart and drink their blood cuz it makes them Invincible General Buck Naked this guy used to fight naked they called him General Buck Naked wow he's killed thousands of people and he got away with it because he became a Christian so when they became a Christian they absolved him of his crimes wow lucky yeah yeah fascinating neat how that works Vice was right there man right right there covered that fascinating [ __ ] they were and they were in North Korea they did an awesome profile of North Korea before
Kim Jong-il died yeah and like seeing how they got in and like the the reality of like being in uh the capital city in pongyang and like the way the hotel like everybody was like basically you felt like they were just being watched they were being spied on by everybody and what they were like you know they brought them the food he said that you know I mean like to like lay out the red carpet for them but it was basically all unedible I think he said like it wasn't good stuff and then they took everything away nobody else was eating um but there was no one else in the restaurant they pretended it was a restaurant but it wasn't a restaurant they just set it up they set up where they were going to cook for them and made it look like a restaurant yeah yeah there was no one else there did it look we live a good life over here the movie studio and they're like we've done like the Kim jongs directed like 800 video movies stuff but he consulted on 13,000 and he was like wow that's a lot of movies he's like yeah he's amazing consulted on 13,000 movies there's one Lisa Ling did ages ago it's on Netflix I watched that a while back and some guy escaped who worked in the guard Tower did you ever see this he got out of North Korea and he's like the minute I got under a fence the guy that he was with got trapped under the fence and died immediately was electrocuted to death and he goes the minute I knew I got out of North Korea I knew that I had signed my family's death warrant cuz now they go after your family they put them in that what's that their area what is it like midd yeah and he's like I just I [ __ ] over my entire family I mean how do you deal with that kind of a guilt I don't know wow yeah yeah if there's if there's the big argument if the United States was really trying to like clean up evil in the world right that's the spot we hit for sure the problem is they're poor as [ __ ] they're poor as [ __ ] if they were really trying to liberate a lot of them are brainwash right it's bad them you know well you would have to [ __ ] free these people first of all and then you would have to slowly ort of reindo trinate them to the idea of freedom what they're they're they're in one of the last great dictatorships and it's 2013 with the internet and everything and with your neighbor to the
South who used to be connected to you used to be your former countrymen are banging out cell phones and TVs and [ __ ] massive electronics and cars and constructive things and all you [ __ ] have your lights out at night because you can't keep your electricity on like if you wanted to see what works and what doesn't work as far as happy and a good population you need to look no further than South Korea and North Korea there's the difference between living in a dictatorship and living in a democracy in the same country the same patch of land yeah I mean it's the you can't control people they don't like it it doesn't work and it's sort of what we were talking about earlier about like the ideas of being generous and helping and and loving or being a [ __ ] weirdo trying to control everything yeah it applies to people it applies to appes to everything absolutely right you can't build walls to keep people in and out look what happened in East and West Germany same goes building walls to keep Mexicans out it doesn't work well it does work that's why there's a Mexico and that's why there's United States the question is is it a good idea right it doesn't work totally you know it doesn't work 100% of the time but it probably works 90% of the time you know if it was wide open there'd probably be no one in Mexico that [ __ ] would empty out so quick it would be you think really oh my goodness with the quickness son my God they would the United States would double in population in a week yeah well we got a lot of room in in the midwest don't we well there's people that would love I mean there's parts of Mexico that people love you know there's a lot of people live in Mexico City they love it come up angel lives in Mexico yep Cancun he loves it she loves it um he loves it he loves it I would uh I think that we trying to be like politically backfire know uh the economy though people would come here to make money you know that's why people would come um yeah yeah the economy and also the the I I see both sides of it I see the the logic in controlling our economy and not allowing people in because it allows you to maintain at least one area and try to keep it viable but the idea that somebody should be locked out just because they [ __ ] out of luck and were born in some terrible impoverished town
in Mexico and that they can't ever get out of there and come up to where it's awesome yeah that seems to me like the only reason why that would exist is because we as as humans think that the the idea of managing the whole world is just too daunting a task so we have to block it off in little chunks apply philosophies in those chunks and then enforce the borders because like we're not ready to combine we're not ready to combine yet because if you're ready to combine the number one thing you got to do is you got to fix the poor spots you have to fix the poor spots but don't you feel like one day we'll have a universal citizenship it won't be about This na versus that it'll be passports will be a thing of the past it's possible yeah man we would have to get over a lot of [ __ ] though and we'd have to like strengthen impoverished areas there's got to be a lot of money in rebuilding shitty neighborhoods just like there's a lot of money in rebuilding things they blow up in Iraq yeah I was just going to say look at Iraq I I don't know if it's a success or not we just need to get halberton involved in community centers it's a great idea if halberton got involved in community centers just rebuild Detroit oh my God the contract be billions the jobs would be intense amazing right now yeah that' be amazing Flint in Detroit I mean I don't understand why it's okay to build [ __ ] on other parts of the world that we blow up but not build [ __ ] that just fell apart on its own over here I agree we were in Detroit for uh that Sci-Fi show and we went to uh oh I saw that one went to Zug Island and around that area and wow it's depressing man it's you can buy a house for $100 so crazy I'm not kidding I know yeah I saw that CU you know the government just gave or loaned I don't know which one of the two Detroit a lot of money well it needs it yeah and they were saying that like I mean just like little thing but like 40% of light posts you know at night don't work in Detroit in the greater metropolitan area it makes sense um the average response time to a 911 call is 58 minutes oh my God so that means you know fire ambulance oh my God it's a long [ __ ] time yeah that sucks for an average for an average right and what's really incredible is that town was created basically
on the the business that was like one of the best businesses for the United States ever the automotive bus dude at one point in time they were rocking like my friend Justin was on the the podcast and he worked in the U Ford factory my dad worked in the Chrysler Factory yeah and it was you know they could people could make a good living and they could support a family and they they turned out these cars yeah but then when I remember remember when like um when they all had the the bailout for the auto companies the big thing was that I think those guys overextended themselves with the like the offers of their benefits because the whole thing was like I think it was 20 or 30 years I think maybe it was 30 years yeah and then you got like full you know incred incredible benefits right and so you had essentially a lot of people that could retire at 50 that he great and that's what one of the main things of why you know so that's why they were losing money because they had to pay these guys well eventually I mean you know the automotive industry became more competitive so they're not as dominant and and but then yeah one of the things that that they said was a problem was that you have people who are essentially entitled to full benefits at 50 years old yeah Justin was also saying that there was also jobs where it required you to use two people those a Union contract but they didn't really need to use two people so you would have like two hour shifts like you would come in for two hours and do it and then you could go leave and do whatever the [ __ ] you want and another guy would come in for two hours and you did two shifts a day and you each did two shifts a day and that's what and you got paid for a full job and it's just because of the greed of these these Auto Workers the the unions rather yeah the unions yeah and then you know there's also the real another problem was they made a bunch of shitty [ __ ] cars and that's not the Auto Workers problem that's the design problem and the engineers problems but goddamn the United States made some terrible cars in the 80s yeah I mean they they [ __ ] up everything they [ __ ] up the Mustang they [ __ ] up the Corvette they [ __ ] up the Camaro they [ __ ] up all the greatest cars that the United States has ever built [ __ ] them all up completely you mean like the
designs they were dog [ __ ] like the late ' 80s and the early 90 they were dog [ __ ] they were the stupidest looking ugliest [ __ ] cars it's like they were trying to tank it on purpose they you go back in time and you look at a 1969 Mustang Fastback yeah look at like a GT500 from 1969 those cars were a masterpiece the the lines on them the appeal of them the just the just look at them just like artistically they had this this appeal to them and then they tried to make cars more gas friendly because the gas prices went up because they had the like the fake gas shortage where they [ __ ] everybody and oh we ran out of gas psyche you know um then they just from that point on they all just went to [ __ ] they couldn't have those big V8s anymore cuz they only got 8 m a gallon so instead they started making these stupid six-cylinder Mustangs it just looked like dog [ __ ] and the big thing now is that what what gave a big boost at least you know like to dodge was that they went to a throwback it was like these look like the old designs like the Dodge the Challenger is so rad the Challenger is rad the Challenger really looks like an old one but the Camaro looks like a new car I mean it's it's like they didn't they it's got kind of a retro hot rod kind of a look to it it does but it's still new yeah it looks badass they had a new uh they have a new uh Trans Am a um oh really yeah a Camaro Trans Am and uh can you still get the falcon or the I me Z28 the TransAm was the firebird Z28 and the Z28 the new Camaro is faster around a racetrack than than a Porsche really we didn't weren't you in the car we were playing the video yes the sound of it oh my God it's [ __ ] was that the one that you can make the sound of not as good I do Terri sounds saw them onine appreciate it very much really good really good Bri check out Brian whatever reason likes hear me do animal noises I love your animal noises I was so impressed your dog is impeccable the bear the bear has is layered the noise is perfect and so is the lip quivering that the be I know me it's really good good I really don't know what's wrong with me I can only do a few imp I'm not I would never say I was an impressionist cuz I can't do a lot of Impressions like
my voice range is not that good but if it falls in my range I can do it Alex Jones you do real well I can do that and you can do uh Diaz well I can do DS they see those guys are in my range they're shouty loudy guys you know yeah very good I can do some people but it's it has to you know like you couldn't say hey Justin beaver no did you see that [ __ ] video this is the Z28 that's the car is that Jay Lena yeah Jay Leno's a car fiend that's his garage in Burbank they took this uh that's not the Z28 they took this Z28 and they took out everything all the the navigation radio only has one speaker to let you know that the door goes ding ding ding they took out all that [ __ ] to make it super light and put in a 500 horsepower naturally aspirated engine he's got denim on denim on Jaylen he always has denim on how he rocks it he's not growing up he's a touros kid listen to this thing Parts like uh the BRBO carbon Ceramics and so on it's GNA be more than hear that that makes guys balls tingle this is funny it's the first time this car out on the public street I'm sure at least in Califor M Canon Road right there that's cuz it's you Jay it's not for the car that is a wicked car though as far as American cars go that car is wicked what do you think should we get one car how much does that cost it's not that much as far as like the kind of performance I think it's probably going to be around 60 Grand let's find out new Z28 the the bargains are the Z28 and the Corvette they have a new Corvette now that's [ __ ] incredible yes the [ __ ] new Corvette is crazy oh it's amazing and the price is pretty amazing the new Corvette it's like 60 68 I think they had it on Stingray z51 well the Z28 is U oh the stingray is the new um yeah the stingray is the new Corvette price the um Stingray is incredible have you seen that yeah yeah go to the uh see if you pull up Matt Farah that dude who was on the podcast a Smoking Gun here's the there's that look like when I was a kid I like the bra on the car they looks so cool wow look at that look at that have to put a bra on it though no those are done they don't do those anymore why don't they do a bra people have clear bras now it's a clear sheet
that keeps the chips it was to avoid paint chips from rocks that's why people wrap their cars now look at this thing sounds like you behind the wheel yeah buddy Corvette the first thing you're struck by is how light and Nimble this car is this is car but you know what with each generation of the Corvette it seems to get a little bit lighter a little bit smaller a little more agile and this one really feels like the best one yet sick car I just love that America finally figured out how to make cars that don't suck a fat one for the longest time they were dog [ __ ] I got a um a Ford Mustang just because I knew that Mustang didn't take money from the government they didn't take a baill out so I was thinking about get it I wanted to get some sort of American Hot Rod so I got a a GT500 that's why I got it I got it because because of the fact and because it's just it's pretty badass it's a it's they figured out how to make fun cars again yeah they figured out that a Shelby yeah yeah yeah those things are [ __ ] awesome that that rumbled too when you start that up it's very manly yeah this is even more manly though I think the Z28 I might have to purchase one of these [ __ ] that's what I'm saying that's what I'm saying I I want to support honestly like no [ __ ] I really do want to support American car companies that are making cars like this great are they making them in America though God I hope so Volkswagen I hope they don't give them to no other peoples we have a lot of for Volkswagen just went to now in Mexico that doesn't seem like German to me people don't we have foreign though plants here for like doesn't Porsche make some Porsches in Alabama that's a good question I don't know BMW in South Carolina I know Honda does I don't I bet I would imagine that other companies who as well yeah I think Porsche is in Alabama I wonder if that's like because it's easier to build the cars over here instead of shipping them you know like whatever cost you to ship them you could probably make them over here with the same engineering too expensive it's all robots yeah there's a lot of it is right it's all automated that's that also killed a lot of jobs yeah because everything a lot of that is automated yeah but the Precision that you can get in automation is you know
pretty goddamn amazing yeah yeah we could print out a car pretty soon I bet you're right know dude there's no [ __ ] man it's going to come I think there's going to come a time where going to the store store and buying things people are just going to laugh at you right oh my God you guys used to buy [ __ ] that's so stupid they're going to be able to just put like you're going to have a printer at home and you're going to keep ingredients in it carbon silica this that the other different various metals and then you're going to say you know build me a [ __ ] TV [ __ ] and you enter in your credits for the uh the design for the TV and you get uh on your iTunes account it charges you for the design for the TV that's what you pay like a design license fee MH and then you have to pay for the um the materials and then I think everything will be like way cheaper except the machine the machine's going to be a [ __ ] but it'll be just like cell phones when cell phones first came out no one had them you know they were super rare now you go to any place in the world people have cell phones I was in Brazil and you know it was in 2003 everyone had a cell phone really people have cell phones they're everywhere and it used to be like prohibitively expensive for poor people do they have the backpack thing where you have to put I remember little Android phones and iPhones and [ __ ] remember car phones oh yeah I actually like that I had one I had one installed in my car in 8989 dope i' would like to have one of those again just the the clipping yeah it was nice yeah it's nice right in the center console yeah it was it was a cool thing to have like you would uh be on the phone hello I'm driving right now yeah like it was impossible [ __ ] way nobody believed it no but you would have roaming charges everywhere oh is that right I didn't even know that oh my God you were only allowed to use it when I had it you were only allowed to use it in Boston itself and when I would go outside of Boston I would enter into a roaming area and the the roaming areas would be ridiculous it would be like you know a dollar a minute a195 a minute or something like that and it was just a few hours from your house it's not like today you know it got real competitive and today you could go anywhere and your
phone works everywhere if you go internationally you got pay rates that are different because they have to use their service but the United States is essentially wherever the [ __ ] you go you're all right so crazy but I was in Western Massachusetts this 2 hours from my house and it was roaming just you were you were you had like a really little area like even in massachusett you had RO Mobile phone yeah what was that bill like it was stupid it was unbelievable and I had no money back then I was like oh God yeah dude do you realize I didn't I didn't have a cell phone until I graduated from college and entered the workforce like just thinking about being 16 years old waving goodbye to my dad getting into my 87 Chevy Nova and just taking off for the night and my dad not knowing where I was when I was I didn't have a page or nothing and I would just you know come back at 2 in the morning yeah you were shooting porn I was shooting porn I was doing h y I was striven smack can you believe that no I know you didn't that's the thing is look at this this guy's got one what's up man look at that keeps you in constant commun holy sh transable cellular telephone I bet the battery's better than your iPhone oh yes right here massive [ __ ] phone Bill Gates about the merger 500 shares the affordable transport dad takes the phone son don't you do it that's a cockbox video that's what that is sophisticated Cocker dad's a hater kid smarter than him he's got his big stupid phone the kids on a little laptop meanwhile it's like 1918 when when when did they invent laptops oh oh my God that kid had a laptop what the [ __ ] was that thing in his lap I think it was one of those word processors remember those like word processors hulet Packard yeah it's trying to let you know Geniuses are ahead of the curve I've had a cell phone forever like I said I got my first one in ' 89 89 that's good and then I um I I couldn't afford it after a while so I think I probably got my next one in 93 92 or 93 got some big stupid Motorola brick the brick it's called a star t yeah click and I had an extended battery the nin Brown needed that extended battery no it wasn't that big I didn't have that one I know what you're talking about I had a girlfriend that had one of
those real bricks yeah the brick my brick was a flip brick it flipped oh wow yeah my first one flipped I never got the full brick I still see I think the uh the Motorola Razor which came obviously much later is the perfect [ __ ] cell phone it really is yeah it's awesome it's not good enough right it's not good enough it just can't [ __ ] with today it doesn't have a browser it's like we don't want just a phone anymore we want a phone that does everything I can do my banking on this phone how crazy is that not just banking I I I do I mean I do anything I want I set my DVR when I'm on in another country you know I can go oh [ __ ] I forgot to tape the fights it does it it just records it for me that's incredible that's Madness Uber Uber yeah Uber's incredible aming how about just sending videos and pictures to people [ __ ] and how [ __ ] little it is have you used U how little that [ __ ] is yeah I used it all the time it's one of my favorite things ever which one U oh yeah our neighbor was just telling us about that yeah we're not on that yet Duncan called me uh dude have you done this Uber I'm in a car right now I'm never driving myself again that's cool I saw Duncan the other day and he ubered and he doesn't even do the Uber X he pull he gets like the SUV one that comes up and he just like walked in there like a pimp and like it just it's just crazy like in three minutes you can have like a pretty much a black limo pick you up for cheap yeah I mean it's and the the tip is built in you know I tip them extra but the tip is built into the the thing you know it's nice so easy just get in get out say thanks bye that's great and you got a limo ride and then don't you review them or something like that's their incentive to be good to you yeah that's awesome it's a nice car oh yeah yeah it was I there was an we used in Manhattan a couple times got SUVs we got they were nice drivers everybody was cool respectable folks the last Uber I went to the guy said that he gets a lot of people that that are just Ballers like hey I want to go to Vegas and so they'll Uber from LA to Vegas but then he has to drive [ __ ] back you know by himself you know somebody the other day went to Salt Lake City cuz they didn't have a car and they wanted to go home so he he said it was like two $2,500 Uber
to what what wow wow how much is this plan ticket though if you go in first class that might be better definitely better yeah I've done Vegas before I've done Vegas in a limo before but it's uh God it's a long drive it is really it's a long drive what is it like four hours I've driven it too yeah four hours it's a long drive to do in one day and then go do something yes it sucks and it's born you feel spent desert it's also if you get stuck in traffic there it's he the worst that's the a road that was designed back when people were driving model T's you know it's stupid two lane [ __ ] Road and it's just going through these desolate areas and broken down and you see just nothing but brake lights yeah for hours devastating and the worst the weirdest thing is like there's that the first sign of like the casinos that come up you I'm talking about they're like the crummier ones like who's staying here dude 20 minutes this way there's cooler [ __ ] with a broken roller coaster out front why are you probably a great documentary in that if we wanted to make it right if we all wanted to just go to that place yeah that one spot super far south yeah do a show there yeah and bring you know it's like roller coasters and [ __ ] there so bizarre bad [ __ ] roller coasters you imagine though that would would actually be look you me and Diaz doing a show in a casino there in the middle of nowhere that might actually be fun so Random yeah we could bring people in there yeah you know nobody there would be would expect what's going on yeah it would be a fun hangout that would be a fun hangout just just call it you know disaster in the desert or something like that every one of those places has the thing like these slots pay that's what it says we got the loose slots like we got real loose slots here why going go St hope has been doing a tour of really shitty spots such a good idea Bill bur wanted to do that too he wanted to do one with me and him go to like the worst places ever I'm like boy I don't know it sounds like it sounds novel but doesn't wouldn't it be better to go to like Houston direct flight wouldn't it be better to go to like Chicago like hey you guys got to get out of there yeah I'm not I'm not coming to you it's only helping you if I come to you it's not I'm only encouraging this bad behavior
I'm only encouraging you to stay there yeah man go move to a cooler placez there's some places I get psyched to be back like Chicago you know I was talking to somebody about Chicago oh Burr we were talking about Chicago might be like the most underrated place in the country you know like as far as like doing standup there Chicago it's one of the greatest places of all time to do stand up I've only done shamberg the shamber it's really the shamber bra it's more of a Suburban thing I do the theater the Chicago theater and it's in you know in the city and it's different they're they're on the ball they're some smart [ __ ] people yeah I actually I enjoy the Midwest for standup I love Ohio yeah love Ohio it's fantastic like for some reason the Midwest really gets it and they're down yeah I did one of my best specials there talking monkeys in space I did that in a while I did that in Columbus at the southern theater where um May West worked oh get out yeah and WC Fields and may West that's awesome that's one with the Stars in the background yeah yeah yeah that looked really really good yeah those those people are like I always feel like people in like Columbus and people in like Chicago and people in like Milwaukee they're like smart people but also they have that Midwest like down toe thing going on yeah they might be in a city but there's like a lot of people that are like real good people that are like you know there's like the you know when they call that area the Heartland like the salt of the earth there's a lot of morons that live out there don't make no mistake about it all right there's a lot of like a lot of the really farmy places in this country are filled with retards right we know that but they're also filled with a lot of cool [ __ ] people for sure you know and just like everywhere you go you're not going to get 100% gems right you're just not you're just there's always a trade there's turds in La too [ __ ] yeah and those the ones that are turds they throw off your your perceptions like I've had people say you know oh man I went to LA man I went to this party everybody was so [ __ ] full of themselves we're all full of [ __ ] and that place sucks okay I believe you 100% but that how there's 20 million people here you can't find one one party one night one terrible clunk
of humans yeah and you know you just got mixed up in the wrong tribe son you been hanging out us the Improv that's what it is tribes it's all about finding your tribe in wherever you are yeah and wherever you are yeah people also talk [ __ ] about La lot of times they'll be like the like you're from La that place sucks and I'm like yeah like what you do I went out there like you know whatever 3 or 4 days like where did you stay they're like Hollywood and Highland I'm like did you go anywhere they're like no just right there I'm like so you hate [ __ ] Hollywood Boulevard man like what are you talking about I up here I [ __ ] hate that part it's not indicative of the entire city yeah I've been here since 94 and I don't go there no it's for it's horrible it's a bad place it's like saying I was one of my friends told me he hated New York and he uh he was like the worst [ __ ] city of ever I'm like really where'd you stay where'd you go he's like I was in Sp Spanish Harlem and I was like but like where'd you go he's like no I just stayed there like I stayed in Spanish Harlem I was like that's all you saw and he was like yeah I go well I mean that's not you can't take in the city just in Spanish Harlem you can't take in that City in a year no you know what you're going to do is get a sense of like whoa there's a lot of [ __ ] here oh yeah spend two weeks in New York just going from one place to another just trying to check off a list of the interesting places from the museums to the restaurants to going going on Broadway like New York is so strange that Broadway works there okay there's a [ __ ] really good reason why those stupid musicals and plays aren't everywhere so much dumb they a murderous assault in your attention span but New York is so big and so awesome that it can actually support a whole community of people that pretend to like that stuff make them millionaires maybe they do like it maybe I'm just an [ __ ] most likely I'm just an [ __ ] the worst is that Andrew lyd Weber [ __ ] I mean it's it's so Soul crushing that's so [ __ ] Spirit crushing and it's not even okay it'll literally be like I'm lifting the bottle she's lifting the bottle we're walking down the street there's no to any of it I went to see painful Brian Ken had a teacher who was
a uh a theater teacher and Brian always gets sucked into because he's such a nice guy he always gets sucked into going to these things they drag him to these things they always like I'm I'm doing a performance I would love it if you came and he's like I got to go I got to go so this was the guy was going to sing show tunes and so Brian calls me up he goes listen to me listen to me you must come with me I'm about to see my theater teacher sing show tunes it will be most excellent and by the way he's going to be very sincere so we went and watched this guy sing like these sincere shows like and I hope you have a drink when you really want to drink like that kind of stuff that what you're talking about they're almost like like doing dialogue yes just say it singing they're not even rhyming it's so it doesn't even make sense why are we singing the song it's you guys that's why they're we must not get it we're going to get some angry and he was really good I enjoyed it he did you enjoyed it I enjoyed it I was so high I was there you go I was so high my feet were barely touching the ground cuz all I could think about was the amount of space that's in an atom like an atom is almost entirely made out of space and so I was thinking of like while this guy was singing I was like why do I even feel the ground this is all [ __ ] that's what you were enjoying no real this is all space why does it feel hard under my feet and that's what I was thinking about why this guy was going I hope you have a drink yeah it was on Hollywood it was on Hollywood Boulevard some place I believe it was a nice place dude I think that uh that Heartland area though not just Chicago that whole area is underrated for standup oh yeah for performing for performance you know what's kind of [ __ ] up is that not a lot of stand-ups came out of Chicago like if you look at like Houston some of the all-timers Bill Hicks Sam Kenn you know there's a lot of great [ __ ] Comics came out of Houston my two all-time favorites right there and so you know you compare Chicago to Houston Chicago's way bigger like why doesn't Chicago have a gang of comics look at New York the list of comedians that have come out are it's endless it's pointless to even start look at La pointless to even start look at Boston smaller than
Chicago by a good margin in the amount of great Comics that came out of Boston staggering yeah Chicago you got Larry ree you know your uncle lar remember that guy no no he's a funny guy he a funny guy Chicago guy he was on one of those Rody Dangerfield HBO specials those but a lot of improv guys sketch impro true yeah they do sketch and improv maybe that's what it is they're like goofier they're not analytical that doesn't make any sense standup is better they know it you know it I know it why wouldn't they do that instead it's the funniest [ __ ] if you if you want to go see I mean if you want to see something really funny you go you go see a great stand up um my opinion and the other area I always have a good time going there but I don't know I don't know that many well actually Minneapolis swartson came out of Minneapolis yes which he's a super [ __ ] funny guy yeah he's hilarious um I don't know that many other people from miniapolis why do I want to say that Mitch Hedberg came out of minneapol he is from Minnesota too yes good one yeah he actually recorded one of his CDs at Acme right didn't he I don't know if he recorded one there I recorded one there and I'm doing a special there I lovees doing a special in Minneapolis I love Minnesota period it's awesome awes up there cold as [ __ ] but I'm going right before it gets on I'm going November 9th which is basically once you get into January February it's [ __ ] terrifying unb you get free tickets to go to that special by the way yes you can Tom cigar.com sweet googly moogly come to my special I I can't but I tell people to go what day is it November 9th November 9th yeah yeah son yeah I love I mean I picked it because I actually literally have never had a bad time doing standup in Minneapolis yeah it's it's that good yeah so that's s I'm in um I'm in Edmonton that night I took you're a colder place you're yeah at the River Creek edmonson's fun fun too you ever go up there I've never been there I've done Winnipeg Good Calgary Toronto Vancouver love Toronto Tor Toronto amazing that's so fun yeah we did uh two nights in Toronto we did we did the Sony Center right that what it was we did the Sony Center one night and then the next night we did Second
City it was [ __ ] incredible wonderful un inredible and the people couldn't be nicer like the people that you run into there oh my God they're like it's like weird Utopian city yeah it's very strange they're super nice up there Canada is just nicer it's I wonder I've wondered many many times tried to figure out what it is like why why are they nicer um well I have a friend from Canada my friend Shane and he claims it's because when you have they kind of have more of a support system yeah like the government does take more of your money but maybe it's because they take care of your health they take care of you a bit more and he's like we don't really have a need to be as competitive no guns like I also feel like I they have plenty of guns they do a lot of hunting up there but I remember watching the news in Toronto and um and it wasn't like that wasn't a big deal it was just so matter of fact like there was not a lot of sensationalism added to it the way we do it wasn't like be afraid be afraid everything's terrifying it was like well today what happened is you know blah blah blah blah blah you know what also they don't have a guilty conscience as a country they're not out there raping the world yeah maybe that's it they're part of some of the adventures that we go on they're they're like the dude that lives in the town that gets dragged along they're not like the crazy [ __ ] that organizes the the hit on the other Village that's right you know yeah they're just um I don't know I think it is less has that less you gota number one you got to [ __ ] we Pro one all that whole Mantra if you stopped and thought about all the [ __ ] up [ __ ] the United States does and all the different countries and like how many people must be like upset at the idea of the United States as a whole not it's real citizens like you or I who really don't have any part in any of this stuff but somehow or another get lumped in on the same team and we benefit from our um Empire yeah that's a problem we we're on this team and we benefit from this expansion from this conquering of other lands that's how they keep us invested in it sure and that's when you hear like an an culter it's like yeah so we got to go to [ __ ] War for oil you know people get real squirely when it comes to that
stuff and I see their point I see their point if you know if I looked at the world the way they do and I think a lot lot of people look at the world like there's these people in these other parts of the world and these people are evil and these people uh you know they they hate your for your freedom they hate they hate what you stand for you their religion is based on hating you and wanting you dead I get that and all that oil too there's a little bit of that there too it that's convenient that those same dummies are the ones who have the oil yeah these dangerous dummies also have the oil so we got to go and check kinky dink huh it's isn't it funny and always like it's it's they I mean their religion is so unreasonable you're not even allowed to draw their guy if you draw their Guy They'll [ __ ] kill you I wouldn't even say that you're not allowed to draw the guy that might get you killed too so it's like it's all set up so that it's perfectly reasonable for us to go over there and [ __ ] them up yeah yeah it's almost like like if you were wanted to play some longterm geopolitical chess long-term geopolitical chess means you got to ensure that you're going to have some enemies to defeat in the future you can't keep like you can't destroy people and then build up a new Empire from scratch you got to keep some enemies active you got to keep them healthy because if you don't have any conflict you don't you're not in business anymore right a good point you Empower these countries so it's like when the United States and this sounds like total hippie Infowars nonsense but it's a fact it's been going on forever the United States armed Iraq you know is a bill hick joke we know they're heavily armed how do we know we check the receipt you know I mean they what this one do yeah they armed Iraq they armed Iran they they've armed the the whole remember thing with President um Reagan where he got in trouble because he sold arms to Iran and then he was he had to testify and he said he couldn't remember yeah yeah yeah I mean they have been doing it this way we provide a lot of arms to a lot of countries they're Chess Masters these are War Masters and War Masters play chess and chess is long game and you don't want to if you want to keep a fight going and you want to keep getting
money and keep extracting money from the society that supports this you don't ever like crush your enemies no that's why they pulled out of Iraq in the first place the first Desert Storm when we first went in there yeah when we first went in there they decided not to take over Iraq they just they got in they crushed the enemy like with almost no resistance the only casualties were because of a scud missile hit bar and killed like 80 people but that was the only people that died like other than that it was like a few people died a few a lot of people got sick after the fact when they found out that they were using depleted uranium and people got like some serious radiation sicknesses and things but when they got to Baghdad they decided not to take it over wow like yeah we'll just get out of here and leave it so they left Saddam Hussein to run the country after they crushed him yeah and they basically ran it the same way he always ran it with his crazy Sons they fed people to dogs they were you know they were unbelievable Savages and but we I believe that in the long-term chess game it's important to have a boogeyman because if we want to go in and take Iraq like we can't really justify going to war unless something happens and the only way something happens is if other people have some kind of power you know so they always are going to back off a little they're always going to let there be just enough enemies out there and now that it's not even like country-based it's like terrorism like back in the Nazi days in the World War II days they [ __ ] up they had to call them Nazis they call we de beat the Nazis now what those [ __ ] Russians I don't like the way they're looking at us you know it's they ran out of enemies but with terrorism you never run out of enemies it's really brilliant you need that for the sale to know to do the sale to the public to be like you know what we got to do this cuz here's the terrorists and they're everywhere you go oh yeah do something they come with a bunch of different names they're confusing as [ __ ] they're the Taliban they don't wear uniform which is the difference is it Al is Al-Qaeda part of the Taliban they start out with the Taliban and break off into a much more rebellious faction and I'll tell you you don't you have no idea how
many bases we do have in the Middle East I mean when I I did over 100 in rather more than a 100 different countries we're in Kuwait we're still in Kuwait uh we're in Saudi Arabia and the government I I should say this like the government gave me a they gave me a duplicate passport I had two passports one of which I had to surrender after I went in and out of Saudi it was like a decoy passport to go into Saudi Arabia to perform and then come immediately what does that mean is it was it illegal what you were doing I don't know are you a criminal but you Criminal on my show because I pay taxes no I'm trying to drive an American car and pay taxes godamn it but it was a trip I mean we're not supposed to be there right I don't know what is that supposed to though no one's supposed to be anywhere you know there's no one supposed to be controlling the [ __ ] oil either we're everywhere no one is supposed to be anywhere the whole idea is ridiculous and I think it's going to break down you just can't see it keep going I think it's just like everything else it's been slowly but surely dissolving around us I think you know as technology increases as our access to each other increases there's going to be it's going to be way easier to decipher what other people are saying you know the whole idea about the Tower of Babel keep Man Forever divided by making a gang of different languages so they can never completely communicate with each that's all slowly being broken down and it's one of the biggest impediments to peace it's one of the biggest impediments to cultural understanding like I love watching shows about other countries about how they eat and what they do like I love Anthony Bourdain's show especially oh me too I could watch anything that guy does yeah he's an awesome dude too um and he uh he goes over to he goes over to Egypt and they eat camels and he was there where they slaughtered it they killed the camel in front of him and gutted it and slaughtered it and you know and they they're all cook it they eat it with their hands they all you know it's like it's really kind of crazy like when you walk like you never shake hands with your left hand right because they don't use toilet paper they wash their [ __ ] with their left hand and they
eat with their right hand so they shake hands with their right hand they you keep your [ __ ] right hand clean [ __ ] cuz you're going to shake my hand and I'm going to you better not be wiping your ass with your right hand they it's really important yeah they have like it makes sense though if you think about they got down to a science yeah cuz I asked this guy once I was like did you did you really use your hand and he's like it's much cleaner and when you think about it he's like you Americans you take toilet paper and then you mash the [ __ ] against your ass like you mash it against you it's disgusting he's like me I've took my hand I use my hand and then I watch my hand I'm like do you use soap it's like what's Soap what's Soap but the point soap is what makes you smell not like you but didn't you see them [ __ ] off of the um yeah so yeah I was on an oil platform in between Iran and Iraq in the middle of nowhere in the ocean yeah and it's a mile long platform half American Marines half Iraq soldiers and we're teaching the Iraqis how to guard their oil that's the theory and anyways the uh the Iraqi Barracks I got to tour them not so nice like those dudes were [ __ ] off the side of the platform and then the fish that were eating the [ __ ] they would fish those fish and then eat the fish oh yeah a lot of Filth what about buff [ __ ] Thursday oh that's I don't know if that's just negative propaganda man love Thursday that's what the Americans say that Tri it's 100% fact according to he said he knows things done he's been there fight crime bro done there crime fighter bro crime fighter bro [ __ ] gigg I'm Shady gigging gigging GG yeah they're nasty though their mattresses were all brown and groy and so they live like Savages yeah they don't give a [ __ ] like we do about is it because they don't give a [ __ ] or they don't have the money um well we were we were training them and providing them with supplies so at the time they did have access to the things like we gave them a bunch of water bottles and we're like dude just put this you know and it was all over they would throw the water bottles just all over the floor as opposed to like putting them in the refrigerator that the Americans had provided so well they were probably like really disenchanted
you know I mean their country got conquered everyone they know got killed I totally agree and you're like why are you telling me how to do my thing do you ever think about how we would react to just one like example of what we do to another country see it you can see it in the South and the north have you ever gone to the South and people call you a Yankee M yeah I've had people call me Yankees before you're [ __ ] Yankee yeah okay I'm a I'm worse than a Yankee dude I'm a foreigner my family came from other countries it wasn't here when your [ __ ] was going on with those people wait until they see pitsky on oh my god oh you some kind of new Jew yeah new kind of Jew but I remember this when I was on that oil platform they had this thing where was like operation wi hearts and minds and uh this is the this is the craziest thing ever Rockwell just [ __ ] the Army in its mouth yeah yeah so what they woulds and Minds oh you die so once a week they had ice cream socials with the Iraqis and they would [ __ ] find a way to get tubs of Rocky Road ice cream airlifted onto this oil platform and then we would I would be having ice cream with the Iraqis so that they would see how amazing our American Rocky Road isn't everything amazing in America like don't you want this yeah they're like yeah this is pretty good [ __ ] I it's going to take back my grandmother getting her head blown off in front of me right right I'm defecting this is amazing it's got chocolate chunks in it you don't like that wow does it make you forget about your I lost almost everyone in my family but I think it was worth it cuz this is cold a s and delicious that is so hilarious remember your nephew now right [ __ ] ice cream you don't need your kids you've got rocky road it's so hilarious yeah so what a weird [ __ ] thing that is what a weird [ __ ] thing it is to just go into another country and kill everybody and then give them stuff and then we need to we need to set up permanently here guys after we've killed everybody we're going to be here a while and you know we don't think you can do this on your own even though you did this on your own since like the 900s yeah right right and they they have to go okay you're you're right we won't get upset well that's the second time that someone has done that to Baghdad it's uh I've been listening to for the
past couple of years Dan Carlin's Hardcore History I guess about a year a year and a half um and he has this amazing series about the Mongols it's called Uh yeah the Mongol invasions you like well hungarians are are you guys one of the Mongols Mongols yes really the Mongols [ __ ] all you that's why H yes yeah they came in and [ __ ] everybody yes but he has this whole piece about them Taking Over Baghdad and you kind of understand why the Middle East is so [ __ ] up once you hear it they killed everybody they threw all of their writing into the river they said the river ran black with ink and red with blood killed everybody like literally killed everybody like they killed a million people like they they would kill people then they would come back 2 weeks later to see if anybody was cleaning up the bodies and they kill them Jesus yeah they didn't [ __ ] around that's effective and they they say that Baghdad never really recovered and like the essentially in the 1200s 12 whatever it was when genas Khan did all that crazy [ __ ] from then until now they've never recovered but back then they were the Pinnacle of civilization they they were like Scholars and scientists and and they they were excellent keepers of Records all that went in the river [ __ ] just cut everybody's head off interesting and that's it once your intellectual history is gone you're done for it's done you start from scratch and everyone's dead by the way this might be a a hippie dippy Dopey thought a pot thought but I fear that our culture is going that way because of The Disappearance of the bookstore because of The Disappearance of book learning book reading uh because of like the nooks and oh just download that you understand like there's a process when you go into a bookstore and you go I'm interested in this topic and you put your finger and you go what's that like what's that I feel like that experience is gone yeah I feel like we're totally regressing into idiocracy and it is going that direction well we are have always gone to the path of lease resistance every person does you know you have to fight to not do that right and the path of least resistance is you just watch TV you on the cou you can just you go order
some take just get a pizza delivered let's just the path of least resistance is not going to the bookstore getting a book sitting home reading it absorbing it right it's no it's sitting in front of a television yeah yeah we it's just we have so like go into the supermarket to get your food that's another thing that's probably not good it's probably be better if everybody grew their own food if we had like Community Gardens and everybody grew their own food and you know and even if you don't meat all you really need is some chickens you know if you have a bunch of hens they don't they lay eggs you don't have to you're not killing a chicken right like those eggs will never become a chicken unless a rooster's in the house right so if the rooster's banging them then those chickens have the potential to have a baby otherwise they're just laying eggs that are free food right you feed them you give them your table scraps like vegetables and stuff they eat it they love it you let them run around your yard and pick up your grass that's like a smart way to live the way we do it not connected to our [ __ ] food and I think that just like being not connected in information not reading books anymore not exploring and learning ideas that's bad for you but I think on the other hand there's never been more information available to everybody on your phone on a computer but I agree with you but it's an Abridged weird version there's something different about reading um let's say you want to know what n said there's a huge difference between picking up Beyond Good and Evil and reading that [ __ ] cover to cover and being like wow there's this and that idea Making Connections than going to Wikipedia and being like Frederick n what did that guy say God is dead got it on to the next thing and you quoted on a message board you seem like a genius of course right there's a huge do you even know who said that bro that's what you throw in how you know you someone says something and you Google the debunked and then you pick out a quote from that and oh look see this goes back to why our relationship works is because I I don't let her smartness upset me right Tommy I don't know no I I'm I'm serious I think what what makes it work is that you know you like your book and and you're reading and I I'll I'll
actually go you know what I should read a book I use it as inspiration you read you're reader though yeah but I I download my books onto my iPad I do to now though I'm not saying that that's an no but I'm saying it is an extension of what we're talking about like you know you have good habits that I you know copy I go I should read a book because you're reading so many books and then do you know what I learned from you that you should watch a football game should like football no I learned how to um deal with like white dudes cuz I kind of no like Tommy's really good at dealing with like white dude America like business things and I learn from him like I watch him how he does all that white dudes yeah like the man you know what I'm saying like business and stuff cuz I'm not good at that like I'm you're supposed to get some Jew to do that for you I totally have them thank you yes I have smartw team of Jew they seem to have a good grip on how to run yeah the show business industry what's that about I think that people I think first of all I think a lot of Jews are smart if you look at the amount of yeah if you look at the amount of um Nobel Prize winners and in science and like there's and phds a shitload of them are Jewish from uh from uh from uh Europe European Jews yes it's amazing how many of them it's amazing so it's like it's a staggering number you know and I think it's just an excellent gene pool as far as intellectual is that why they're so persecuted his good culture to be born into culturally like you know it's a supportive atmosphere it's it's the it's the atmosphere a lot of times of like helping bringing people along inp right but there's a seclusion thing that they have going on a bit where they kind of exclude everybody else out of their Community because you know and just if you looked at it I mean I hate to be a Jew lover here but if you looked at it in terms of just accomplishments and just it makes sense that they would want to keep everybody out if you looked at the amount of [ __ ] that they've pulled off like intellectually like the amount of things that the Jewish people have done I mean it's really kind of Staggering especially compared to my [ __ ] people we my [ __ ] people have like Michelangelo lard Da Vinci and everybody else is [ __ ]
yeah few dudes make cars and a bunch of [ __ ] who uh who look like me look like chimp people you know they're they're a bunch of chimp people good suits man good tailor yeah and my people are the the southern people my people are not the Smart Ones who look like Europeans my people are the aplike characters who look like They Carried bricks up hills you know that's so and I when I say that these Jews are so much smarter than a a lot of other um nationalities it's just a fact I mean it really is if you look at accomplishments let's not say they're smarter but they're exemplary for sure and so if they were that exemplary and that that accomplished as a as a race it makes sense they'd be exclusionary they want to keep all my dumb jeans from [ __ ] their daughter shooting her up with some live crazy load that's going to create some half smart half [ __ ] ape kid going to run around and ruin things at the Jewish school and be like bro I'm not wearing a [ __ ] yamaka all right that shit's stupid my dad says it's dumb as [ __ ] oh you got a beanie God wear a beanie dude seriously we got this genius that just joined our tribe guys God made flowers God made beehives and he wants you to wear a beanie shut the [ __ ] up it also keeps if you're that exclusionary you get to keep like uh you know outside competition from your businesses yes you know can I tell you what that also that is also an immigrant practice my father is Hungarian and he primarily deals with other hungarians or Eastern European or Eastern European not other tribes other tribes very explicit but that's a common immigrant thing to do as well the Asians deal with the Asians etc etc and somehow or another they've made [ __ ] less of a taboo the Jews the Jewish girls always enjoyed the [ __ ] much more than the American Girls it felt like they doing you a massive favor you're right I think that stops once you marry him though yes that's what I've heard that's that's a w that's the [ __ ] B switch right there replaced by nagging they but they like it like when I was in high school that was the word the word was that Jewish give head they like it let's do a poll they're always freakier in the sack I I think but I'm German I'm sorry the US's Jews but you know but they also have
that reputation of being Naggy and they have the reputation of not you know not being uh sexual prejudice against Italians I also heard that I'm definitely prejudice against Italians yeah are you I don't [ __ ] my people you don't have you [ __ ] my people since the early ' 80s really I learned it a long a long time ago to keep away from my people Jewish girls interesting Savages chimp people they're chimp people I've only had one girl swinging me ever she was Italian full-blown this [ __ ] took a wind up was she like a like a [ __ ] Jersey Shore kind of [ __ ] Long Island Long Island B was crazy she's ready to go to war yeah yeah I mean I didn't hit her back I just grabbed a hold of her I'm like we don't have to do this it's not let's not turn this into a slugfest you can't hit back right oh you can't do that God you can't get in a slug fest with a chick no I mean girls came with other girls but well you know but but my point is I've never had a white girl swing at me no other than Italians yeah remember drunk Katie remember her I was talking Katie is awesome yeah I love Katie I was talking to her yesterday and she was uh reminded me of that time where da somebody in the audience uh Davey was on on uh stage Davey the guy that has you know the he walks funny was yeah he walks funny so so so he uh somebody yelled out like you're not funny [ __ ] to him Jesus and Katie was waiting uh she was a waitress there at the time and she came up and goes did you just say he was [ __ ] he goes yeah she just punched him and knocked him out she knocked him out Katie was well you got to throw that all through the Red Band filter whether not she knocked him out okay did she heard him oh she said yeah yeah oh there you go she's from Boston she's like a Bost she will punch somebody no doubt she's hilarious we had some of the funniest times at that store talking to like her her and Elanor Elanor who's now finally doing comedy Elanor carrian is [ __ ] hilarious and she's always been hilarious yeah like when she finally started doing comedy I was like wow why didn't you do this a long time ago you know you were always hilar and uh she's a hack detective you know like I would I would say like uh everybody says this guy's funny is he funny and she would go if you like old
stupid premises redone and then she' like walk off like she she knew she knew it was [ __ ] and what wasn't she knew about dance moves doing dance moves Tommy Tommy's word for like when a joke's not really that funny you're trying to Jazz it up give it some dance moves I would call it English putting English on the Q balls make it spin around for no reason like when you have to really work it oh I know believe me in the South you have to do that a little bit do you think so yeah I sh I and drive a lot harder I slow it down too I slow it down well I've always said this I think it's way harder for a woman to do stand up I think it's harder to get the attention on stage from men men to give you the ball you know because guys hey I'm funnier than this [ __ ] talk it's you can't you can't have opinions on things you certainly can't have opinions on like religion or politics or anything controversial where you or I could pull off you know like I don't agree with this guy but but if a woman if a woman's on stage telling Jesus jokes yeah it's very volatile [ __ ] yeah it's volatile that's why it's so important and I think that that's why it's a good thing to do it well it's uh important when they're funny like you that's when it's important because when they're not funny they should just quit because they're ruining the rest of the whole thing can't say that because a lot of people start off not funny and figure out how to get funny that's true yeah man everybody don't you think every guy or every girl faces their own uh biases socially before when you go up on stage the audience doesn't know who you are if you're a black guy the assumption is this guy's got to be the funniest guy on the planet so you have maybe you Whitey people do I think racist generalize black dudes on stage though I think they give them more more props a lot of times yeah agree to black people they don't know I think a lot of black people throughout history have been fantastic performers yeah if you look at the number of people like alltime you know like number of black people and number of great black entertainers especially in standup it's so disproportionate cuz if you think of like the greatest comics of all time you know if you had to like do 100 of them
it's going to be more than 10 that are black you know I mean there's 10% of the population's black if you took the hundred greatest comedians probably like 50 of them be black right yeah they're disproportionately funnier yeah I mean there's I mean Eddie Murphy Chris Rock Richard PRI Bill Cosby you know those are in the top five alltime great and there's four of them and they're black Dave Chappelle five black guys right there and the Jews very funny Jews are funny yeah Jews are funny yeah yeah Jew I watched some uh dude see if you could pull this cuz it's kind of interesting pull this up rare footage of Woody Allen doing standup Woody Allen doing standup from 1965 my glasses he was funny he was young and he was you could tell he was perverted I'll tell you that right now that dude freak he's always obsessed with young [ __ ] that's always his theme in every movie almost if you watch them it's Redemption through young [ __ ] yeah I'm aging I'm NE and it toally you understand that you don't understand that that's real of course it's real oh that my dad why think old guys get young [ __ ] and they they bang them and they're like yes yeah redeeming of course look at this watch this I know how old is it does it say how old he is 65 say how old he is5 oh I was short philosophy jokes and [ __ ] this guy the Metropolitan Museum of Art which is this fabulous Museum of Art and when I was younger I used to hang out a lot at the Museum in search of a meaningful social relationship or some I used to look for girls at the m and I saw on the wall once a nude by Rubin but a real succulent nude ah succulent a naked Huntress you got to look at this too he's so like animated S I got very emotionally involved with the painting you know two Gods had to restrain me tried to lick some of the oil off the camp I was thinking to myself at that time where is it that I could meet the kind of girl that would pose for that tight picture and in my neighborhood there's an art supply shop that deals and offbeat things and I run down there and I get the name of an artist model off the wall and I call her up and I came on very strong like an artist you know I used a lot of very artistic terms like brush I said and easel I was just
adorable and we agreed on a price you know and hung up I got all dressed up in my Smock and Beret you know and little Harvey's Bristol Cream on the hair I'm too much when I want to be and I waited there now iated is a knock on my door and standing there is this fabulous woman but really Sensational now let her in quick you know and I lock the door with my police lock immediately and I sit take off your clothes right away cuz I don't know much about art but I know what I like oh [ __ ] look at his face she took off everything very professional and posed and I began to shake you know that's my thing I shake all the time I'm I'm not good in those kind of situations you know I'm perspiring audibly you know she's standing there in front of me Majestic I took my piece of paper my chocal pencil and I went up to her and I got into little trouble with her because I tried to trace [Music] her living as I do in our rich neighborhood it's he's it's it's fascinating to see you can see his kinkiness for sure oh for sure by the way do you know how racy that was in 1965 on television wow I think it was on television it's being filmed whatever it is yeah um that that's what does it say where it was from does it say like a show or anything it was weird it was in front of a staircase shitty set they didn't know about sets back then TV was only 10 years old it doesn't say doesn't say um but you could when you stop and knowing what you know now and you watch that video yes isn't that something what a nightmare that must have been for everybody involved oh my god oh my god dude craziness huh you're you're you and your wife get divorced and you're now banging his daughter her daughter that used to be your daughter and now it's your wife adopted you're adopted daughter you're adopted daughter it's not okay it's not Health weird who trusts you as a parental figure but it's so weird I mean has it ever been done by a public figure like that before uh Roman palansky was being but not his daughter but nothing like that yeah he he raped a girl I mean Roman palansky wait a minute did a really Jer Lewis his cousin cousin that's different too though different too this is you're the
parental figure yeah the parental figure is a way more disturbing Prospect yeah man that's the mo the most disturbing yeah sure that's the one that makes you just un unforgivably disturbing but the the hot can't help what the hot wants you that's what people will say so gross well and the wife man she seems like she's off the rail is this me she seems off the rails she was banging Sinatra when she was like 15 is her son is her son is not Woody Allen son her son is Sinatra son well that's like like not confirmed though right isn't it oh it's totally confirmed look at him yeah pull up the picture Mia Pharaoh's son is Sinatra son wait till you see him you all you have to do is look at him and you go that is Sinatra now how did she get hooked up with Sinatra do we he was slinging dick okay oh he's out there with the boys Dino Sammy D how much did he Crush back in the day oh Sinatra he would have crushed me easy over here fine I'd be like it's the commissioner [ __ ] do you guys have a list the bo bang dead guys dead everyone dead Puerto Ricans everyone dead look at just shut the [ __ ] up he's so handsome look at him that is Frank Sinatra's kid period there's no Woody Allen in look at that sexy bastard gorgeous yeah how they've block the director out of their lives she I wonder why handsome seems like you just want to leave him around with your kids especially your kids became like 16 17 an Asian flowery I just want to touch her with my tongue I wanted to lick the oils off of the painting yeah he's like in that video of him doing standup he's like so relishing in his perversions yes and he's also seems like really satisfied with himself it's weird you know he started so young get the [ __ ] out of here oh he's so cute that kid is Mia pharaoh and Frank Sinatra I mean that is there is no Woody Allen in that [ __ ] at all no Woody Allen my glasses started his career Woody Allen started doing comedy like writing as a comedy writer he dropped out of college at like the age of 20 he studied philosophy and then he became a comedy writer like dudes like him have just been grandfathered into showz like I was watching a documentary on Johnny Carson like do you realize
that Carson's been on television since television was invented like in the midwest there was one TV station Carson was on that from the time he was like 18 years old and then he's like one day I got a call from NBC and they were like do you want a TV show what's TV okay and he's been on it since the very beginning I was on it rather he's dead now obviously he was a real antisocial piece of [ __ ] at home like it totally ignored his wife and kids like he would come home and just sleep on the couch and be like [ __ ] off did you hear it but he was so friendly out in the real world like out like in in front of the camera do you think that maybe he just was overwhelmed by all the people that he was constantly seeing giant crowds of people and everybody where wherever he went he was like getting interviewed and people were coming up to him and that and I know that he had a very disapproving mother that his mother was like he got the tonight shower or something and his mom was like ah big deal like you still suck you're still not funny so I think there was some of that always wanting mom's approval that that hamster wheel but that's even less reasonable then because when I see people like that they know what it's like to have shitty parents they don't pay attention to their own kids like to you for you to perpetrate the same stupid [ __ ] that you went through because you're too dumb to figure out what [ __ ] you up but isn't it's what we talking at the beginning of the show how if you're not cognizant of what decisions you're making if you don't if you don't know how to think then your whole life is in shambles around you did you hear about the Johnny Carson's book that uh just came out and it talks about him uh and his ex-wife who uh I guess he was married to this woman that cheated on him with uh Frank Gord uh Kath with her face Kathy Lee gord's husband yeah Frank yeah what are we TMZ now what the [ __ ] well like Johnny Carson like broke into uh his house or her house and found all these photos of his wife and him together and had a gun in his pocket and he like this is all allegedly though right this none of this was like no this is all this all really this is all really true but how do you know because like his friends are were there and they're like Ed McMahon and stuff like
that and so Ed McMahon and him all went to a bar later that that night and just got wasted and then uh I guess Johnny Carson took a girl home that night from the bar Johnny Carson yeah John yeah I don't know man it's that sounds like a lot of gossipy nonsense may or may or not have happened type [ __ ] but the guy obviously lived in a different era you know being famous before him being that famous on TV didn't exist and that sort of intimacy what I was going to point out you're right you're right is that that intimacy of being in front of the camera every night like that for decades incredibly unusual and so like everywhere he went I guarantee you people just wanted to be around him and thought that he was a part of their family like wanted to talk to him and grab him and he's probably like leave me the [ __ ] alone sure you know Jesus Christ and so that's probably when he went home he probably had nothing left for his wife and kids yeah absolutely and then he might have married a [ __ ] and his kids might have been [ __ ] I mean I don't know what the [ __ ] happened guy lost a lot of money know yeah guy lost a lot don't put that up R he had a few wives guy L lost a lot of [ __ ] money yes big time will get you nine figures I think his divorce was one of the things that Eddie Murphy talked about on stage in raw remember that yeah yeah yeah his divorce was so bad that Eddie Murphy talked about it on stage it's bananas you know yeah yeah half he took some hits you know and who knows who knows if he what kind of a woman he married who knows yeah who knows she might have been a sweetheart I don't know I who knows his sons were like yeah we only went on vacation once and Dad ignored us and you're like oh my gods and and here you think oh you must be so great Johnny Carson's your dad and you know you just think I don't know I I one of the Weir those things you know one of the weirdest things must be like be the son of a movie star yeah right especially back in those days oh yeah I don't know like I saw something about Steve McQueen they were honoring Steve McQueen they had Steve McQueen son and Steve McQueen son's wearing sunglasses they're interviewing him and he's wearing sunglasses and he's inside which is always like what are you doing the [ __ ] are you doing like unless you have
IAL condition why do you have sunglasses on is just weird you know no matter how big a star you are too you still go like yeah black guys P off they can they just can I don't know why purple and orange pull off everything yeah well they can definitely pull off wearing sunglasses yeah yeah right and those uh why suit colors why can they do it I don't know I was saying I was just saying they're so strong they're so physically imposing they're just Tommy that's actually quite racist to say that M yes yeah even no it's true I support it 100% I back my thought on that like it's also racist to imply they have big dicks it's also racist to imply that they like Chicken and watermelon yeah that's kind of [ __ ] up cuz both Chicken and watermelon are delicious and having a big dick is a good thing awesome and so is being really good at sports and physically strong so why is it that it's a problem I think the people that really take issue with that are always take they are taking issue with the fact that the implication and that what some people are getting from that is that that's the only thing that somebody black is good at or something that you can be impressed with is that they're you know the great Entertainer or the big dick guy or they jump [ __ ] through the roof and you go no the big dick guy that's not true that's I'm not saying it's the only thing I'm saying that's what I enjoy the most about those black guys is that that guy can jump through the [ __ ] roof you enjoy the most about them sure well is what what am I getting out of [ __ ] LeBron James how much of the um how much of reality was there to what Jimmy Greek Jimmy the Greek got in trouble with saying there's here's the here's the thing my argument on that what did he say let's tell people what he said Jimmy the Greek was calling a game and he said I think the actual quote was look at that little monkey go oh I remember this story and of course I mean you you say it and you're like that is unacceptable but there was basically people well pull it up pull it up Jimmy the Greek comments that got him fired it's on YouTube yeah it's apparently uh oh he's dead what year did this take place this had to have been I want to say 1988 now I thought it was earlier I thought it was
early ' 80s was it ' 88 yeah 1988 an embarrassed CBS fire to contrite Jimmy the Greek was asking questions about Martin Luther King's birthday and the progress blacks have made in society CBS Sports commentator Jimmy the Greek Snider gave his impressions of blacks and coaching in the National Football League his answers could raise as much controversy as stat by former Dodgers executive Al campanis last April on ABC's Nightline news program pretty soon they're going to have to equalize it for the blacks for the Greeks the Jews and for everybody I mean let's make it equal for everybody you know and uh is it equal what about in sports well they've got everything if if they take over coaching like everybody wants them to there's not going to be anything left for the white people I mean all the players are black I mean the only thing that the whites control is the coaching jobs now I'm not being derogatory about it but that's all that's left for him the Black Talent is beautiful it's great it's out there the only thing left for the whites is a a couple coaching jobs maybe we need to get more black coaches oh she ride with me I'm sure that they'll take over that pretty soon too but I'm talking about wait a minute there's nothing wrong with that that I'm talking about his in-game comment isn't there a there's a comment he got fired for that no no no that that doesn't seem right I think there's probably another video there's an in-game uh he's calling a game and there's a guy I don't know that's what I thought was well he was saying something about their butts being higher and their legs me being longer remember that I actually no I for me I you know I don't remember it happening I remember learning about it and I thought it was the the in the game comment that got him the most in trouble I mean obviously he could have gotten in trouble obviously for what he said there yeah but why would he get in trouble for what he said there well I think the implication this than you not be on Friday afternoon here in Washington no that's Musburger's commentary on him getting fired that's not it okay um because well what that impli that's kind of like attached to the idea that like black guys couldn't be quarterbacks like they could play every other position
wait a minut he didn't say that though no no no I'm saying but the it's it's I think connected to the the same point of view which was that quarterbacks had to be smart and then coaching is is thought of as the total mental thing that's not what he was saying though he was saying that black guys are taking over every spot they were saying that black guys are going to be every player and they're eventually going to take over coaching too he said they were eventually going to take over coaching too like he's very specific but and if they did there'd be nothing left for the whites to do yeah I mean he's being honest I mean look it's not saying that white guys can't do it but he's saying that the majority of the people hey guys the majority of the people are going to be black that's what he's saying that they're dominating he's right he is right so how is that controversial well I suppose they also said during the slave period the slave owner would breed the big black that's not that time this but what I'm saying is that time right there nothing he said was controversial that was the thing that was controversial and that's what I was going to ask you about when I said do you think that what he said has Merit that they bred people to be the largest slaves definitely they definitely did that I I think that that definitely happened and I think you definitely see um the like results of that in today's population in some way there's there's no way you can look at some of the African-American the black population and not actually think that there's some validity to like super breeding having taken place like there's I think there's a disproportionate amount of unbelievably athletic huge black athletes you think the Asians were bred smallen no but they were in disproportion if you look at England and that's a population that's been bred in in in in in in in of itself and they're very well what they know for a fact yeah well that's also the weather they're dealing with they're pasty because there's no sun no sun they've been there for thousands of years that's a really involved situation they those people have been there a long ass time the the problem with the the that slavery thing like or saying that you know slaves created great athletes is that white
people said it before and it was always a problem but then in in recent years and I think the last person to say it was Michael Johnson less prominent black guy to say it our former Olympic gold medalist he was like yeah absolutely that's a a valid point of view to take yeah that we have some super athletic gen in some of us yeah well if you were going to own slaves too it only makes sense people who own dogs do that right people who own roosters like fighting roosters they do that too they read the best with the best doing that forever you have you can't look at it from like a whether it's humanitarian or politically correct to say you look at it like well imagine you're trying to get production out of humans and you're you know you see one that's really built and strong and you see another and you go you to you're going to make kids yeah and why wouldn't those genes then be passed on for Generations yeah for sure I mean it seems like it makes sense to me I don't have proof of it intive to me too slave jeans myth Must Die Michael Johnson links African-American sprinters to slavery and revisits a particularly ugly pseudo science um but why is why is that so ugly particularly ugly as a historian I find to be stunning about what he said the claim of supremacy of black athletes in trash had never seen had never been discussed openly before actually with his words Johnson plunged himself into a century old debate that seems to rear its rather ugly head every four years not ugly just in time for the opening of the sports largest global stage Johnson supported his theory with the examples of men's 100 millimeter finals in the Beijing Olympics three of the eight finals came from Jama including a recordbreaker winner Usain Bolt two from Trinidad African-Americans Walter dicks and Doc p and Dutch Sprinter chande Martina who hails from Cur kurasa rounded out the line racial assumptions don't work easily as simply noting that four years ago all eight finalists in The Quest To Be the world's fastest men likely had ancestors who were slaves because race is well never simple what what the [ __ ] is that but rather works as an ambic Amic Amic identity formation that
CH changes throughout history it's a social construction deeply entangled with the definitions of class gender sexuality and so on this guy whoever wrote this is an intellectual dodo oh it's a woman it's a woman that's a Dodo statement that's a statement where you're just not being honest about something and you're trying to be massively politically correct in spite of the preponderance of information and you don't follow Sports if you wrote that you don't follow you don't know what's going on in major sports do you think it's a black woman or a white woman who wrote that white woman you think so AB she political incorrect just like the white woman that gets offended at every for everybody else at the show all the righteous IND racist what you said isn't that fascinating how dare you say they'll say that to you about like whatever it could be a mexicann of course it is liberal say that about like a Mexican joke and there'll be a Mexican guy like high-fiving you about he's like that's just true and she's like that is not acceptable the white people are the racial police for everybody else don't you know yeah well there's a lot of white I mean white guilt is as real as [ __ ] yes the white guilt is so real and totally the need to get brownie points from black people is so huge and from other fellow progressives and I want to say do to what I totally I love black approval like when a black person Tom and I always talk about how good we feel when like a black person's like you're really funny like oh my God I'm really F yeah but that's not meaning that you distort reality in form of Journalism to like what that woman said in that article like the way she's saying it it's like that's such a nonsense statement I'm not sure I even understand AIC anything I don't even want how does it rear its ugly head first of all saying someone because of slavery is [ __ ] awesome at Athletics last time I checked being awesome in athletics is really good correct like and there have been for sure some horrible things that have like like for instance my people Sicilians if you look at the whole movie True Romance I mean was the whole scene where Christopher Walkin and uh what the [ __ ] is his name uh the dad godamn it I
know the daddy he he goes your great great grandmother the guy from Easy Rider yes whose name I Hopkins Dennis H Dennis Hopper Dennis Hopper Dennis Hopper that whole eggplant discussion it's true the Moors raped all the people that's why my people are savages that's why they have dark hair that's why they they but I think it's it's people's inability to grasp real it and the brutality of [ __ ] that's actually happened it's because it's associated with something ugly slavery was an ugly practice sure people are so terrified of it right you're connecting something awesome coming from something ugly with being a part of that ugly thing right and that accusing someone of being awesome because of that somehow or another diminishes their accomplishments but scientifically and statistically when you're looking at again on10th of the population is black but 90% of the sprinters are black I mean that maybe more maybe more they that's one where they just completely dominate how how about football players what's football is probably like 65 to 70% that's pretty high and basketball basketball's probably 85 to 90% And boxing boxing is like there's Mexicans and there's a few filipos there's couple Russians and this scattered white guy that [ __ ] didn't have a good dad yeah other than other than that it's a lot of black people I mean it's a really dumb thing to pretend that that's not the case black people in the United States have stopped playing there's a lot less interest in in the Black Culture for playing baseball yeah but not in Latin America and guess what [ __ ] black Latinos yeah incredibly dominant baseball players because that's the major sport sure soccer I mean you look at I mean black a ton of black people that are Brazilian [ __ ] oh my God [ __ ] dominate that [ __ ] how about MMA fighters from Brazil there's a [ __ ] of black MMA fighters from Brazil y are excellent even golf yeah there's that one that one guy one guy dominates that whole thing right that one guy is's not doing so good anymore yeah he's not but he's still he's still just got crushed by the media he still R his confidence was that the best that was we were just talking about best how crazy that Scandal was I did cuz at the time I was a writer on Chelsea Lately so it was like it was a windfall yeah it was like
Mana from the uh the whatever t Gods but to it was so crazy that the guy the nerdy golf player was pulling so much puss I honestly think they all are yes probably I think they're men well they're men they're they're rich famous athletes so rich yeah those guys are so baller there the amount of money that those big- Time pro golfers make even a a person that is doing well can't relate to the amount of money that Tiger Woods has made Tiger Woods has like made a billion dollars off knocking a ball into a hole in the dirt yeah like I don't think anybody can ever understand the appeal of a million dollars on a bimbo yeah you know yeah right a billion is off the charts off the charts a guy who makes billions knocking ball and just likes to sling dick so great yeah the way I described it I said that he looked like a really unfortunate looking but wildly successful man who was attacked by [ __ ] If he if [ __ ] were fleas he would need a collar yeah and I'm not sled shaming by the way no that was very proex they should be able to do whatever they want to do everybody should be able to as a story it's a bad word maybe [ __ ] take it away um you know what though I'm kind of I'm kind of opposed to gold digging though I feel like opposed to it I don't like it as a woman I I want I want us to be better I'd like us to be contributors to society I'd like us to win Nobel prizes and not take Rich guys money for sex I just there's I mean for sure there's a lot of men out there that are taking someone's money too there's gold diggers that are men I know gold diggers that are men that have wives that are rich and famous they don't do [ __ ] not famous rather but rich and successful I should say yeah it is disproportionate but weak people are weak people everywhere you go there's always someone who wants someone to take care of them the sons of rich men are often times just as bad as a gold digger like having no desire to achieve or perform anything a delusional perception of reality you know a delusional idea of what their own value is because they don't really contribute they just were given a free ride so they never developed a character an unbelievably privil like a really nice free ride where they feel very entitled to everything much like when I said you
know that you can't ever say that Comics can't have a successful relationship because you guys can do it you can never say that you just you can't say that there's always going to be a group of people in any gender whether it's transgender whether it's gay there's always going to be a group of people that just fail there's going to be a group of women that fail a group of men that fail there's going to be people that just don't get their [ __ ] together don't ever self-actualize don't ever pursue their dreams don't ever get involved with anything they truly love it's going to happen but there's always going to be people that do there always have been from a milia air heart to you know fill in the blank you know all throughout history there's always been women that have figured out a way to achieve and and do things that really truly enjoyed doing like our flight attendant the way oh no stop now stop the hijacker I heard hijack We Got Hijacked for the longest time I've ever been hijacked as an adult oh no Tommy and I we're having a fun little conversation and uh we ordered a little glass of wine because we're gentlemen and we're on a business trip we decided to have a little wine and we're sitting there uh and the woman came over and she made a joke about the temperature of the wine and I made the mistake of going um is it like you're apologizing it's too cold that's funny I've never heard anybody apologize that wine is too cold she goes H well if you remember the scene from sideways see I've never really been much into wine the only time I drink wine is in church but there's a funny thing about wine I knew a guy and the guy was a wine connoisseur and they brought him a bottle of wine and said should we put this in the refrigerator scream don't you touch it and put it in the refrigerator don't you put a hand on that wine and bring in the I thought it was so funny but of course I don't drink the only time I drink is a and it went on and on and on yes to the point where I was lucky cuz I was in the window so I just abandoned Tommy I I I lifted up the window and I put my face to the glass and then I reached into my laptop bab i p out pulled out my notepad and I started writing down and I wrote in my notepad that flight attendant won't shut the [ __ ] up I wrote that in my notepad I
started writing it in front of her too and then Tom yes well first of all she came o when she came over she goes do you want something to drink I said yeah um do you have P Noir which is not that crazy to say sometimes they go no we have cab we have that won't shut the [ __ ] up yeah oh that's great I was like this has to be addressed when I said do you have Pino Noir she goes uh excuse me and I go P Noir she goes do you think you're in Leon France yeah and I was like no it's not even fan yeah it's not crazy and she was like we got red or white and I was like all right red and then when she came back it was sideways it was the somier at Macy's who when I worked at the hospital they brought him the wine and he said should I chill us and he was like and we're talking about the most like boring sentences oh yeah these were these are incredibly boring sentences the worst just like oh God when she left and you're when she left and we go like what the [ __ ] was that she left she came back and I just made I like I just looked up she goes did you ever see the movie Simon and I was like uh-uh she was like my favorite scene in that is a wine scene and I was like all right she goes and I this is when I zoned out she was like Bruce Willis and whatever actor and she was like and they knock over it all the wine fall I thought it was a great scene and I was like she wouldn't stop yeah and you know what's really fascinating before this happened before this happened Tommy nailed her personality because we we may or may not have had before we got on that plane and so we were uh it was just starting to kick in in mid-flight and he goes you know what I think I think that they put her on this small plane because she can't work well with others all right and that the other stud thises don't like working with her so they stick her on these small planes cuz she doesn't she doesn't want to be around anybody she's probably been doing this a long time and they know she doesn't work well with others and then she came over and just right away gave us the Ferocious ear beating and I was like right yes it was an ear beating was also she gave us an ear beating on sh shutting off the phones too like everything up her phone pressed this button and we didn't have our
phones on it's not like we were resisting we shut our phones off but she did it for the whole thing like this is what I want you to do you see this button I want you to press this button not in airplane mode folks not in airplane mode I want you to shut this button if you have an iPhone I want you to slide that over that say shut it off and I mean she's going on and on and on it's taking a long ass time and if you wanted to read a book or if you wanted to you know listen to your iPod e that's not happening no you're dealing with this nonsense yeah you're dealing with the and you can't even fight against that nonsense because if you argue at all about anything they kick you off the plane yep she's got the power it's over I had a friend get kicked off the plane because he was upset that they didn't find a seat for his son next to him like they didn't find anybody that was willing to move it was an hour and a half flight from San Francisco to Seattle it's a quick ass flight and they you know he said is there is it possible she was like sir we've tried there's nothing we could do he goes I have a 5-year-old though like why did you guys sell me a ticket I told you who's 5 years old you can't have a 5-year-old sit by himself he's he's terrified of flying in the first place like all I'm asking is someone if you ask if someone could switch seats and she said sir I've tried there's nothing we can do please take your seat and he was like you guys are the most unfamily friendly Airline like you guys are horrible I can't believe you're doing this so that's all he says he goes and sits down and the [ __ ] Captain comes up to him say so you going to have to come off the same they they say you're aggressive and you're and he was like what he goes you got to be you must be joking he goes all I asked is if they could find a seat for my son I didn't use profanity I didn't raise my voice I said you guys are the most unfamily friendly airline that I've ever seen that's all I said because you weren't even willing to like look for for someone and they kicked him off the plane get off Y and he was like I can't believe this he goes I'm not aggressive they but we saw that was it you and I that saw that crazy who did we see were we on a plane we saw two guys arguing
about the the bin um I don't know you with me on that one I don't I've seen two people kicked off I've seen a lady get kicked off for having attitude um about like her whole day she was like then you put me L on this [ __ ] and now I'm here and [ __ ] and she was just complaining complaining complaining and you know she was I think aggressive speaking to them boom Boot and I saw one who got kicked her whole family off and she had small children she was breastfeeding one of them and they were like we're going to taxi now and you need to you know I don't why'd she get kicked off she gave the lady attitude about the flight attendant attitude when the flight attendant asked her um I don't know if she asked her to stop breastfeeding while we were going to taxi come but she told her like you know why don't you just worry about the drinks while I'm breastfeeding and they were like uh-uh and then we stopped and they actually that when they had police come out to the uh to the he didn't even go back the police came out they opened the the door you think they just get off on the power absolutely I think sometimes uh I think sometimes they they absolutely want to protect themselves and they have to you know you can't have somebody who's an actual threat to the flight but I think I think there's definitely a thrill in knowing that if somebody gives you kind of a little jab kind of a little attitude you can be like I can [ __ ] up your day right now yeah pretty pretty badly and I can justify it and we were talking about that that this ability to hijack You is kind of the same thing because in a normal scenario you don't have to listen to this person you're not stuck in a chair literally strapped in with a [ __ ] belt yeah you have to listen right like it's and then they can just hover over you and just [ __ ] in your face yeah why pop your headphones on in your hood and your glasses that's why yeah but you can't do that in the middle of a conversation when you're having conversation with another guy and then you're having a wine and then all a sudden boom you're stuck the glasses I don't know if you remember the glasses were these they're like tasting glasses they weren't very small very small and the first time uh I had two sips and it
was empty and she goes do you want to refill and I go yeah she goes we had a couple of drinkers up here and I was like so kind of like you know I can see a certain person not me personally but I could see that comment really setting somebody off the the outside implication of like we got a couple of drunks I don't want to say any more than that no no no need to say any more than we already said we already got too cruel poor lady she's lonely she wants to talk to people Jesus Christ and it's also clees that's okay you're an assho feel I feel all right about it but don't you think it's an inability to read uh social cues oh there's no doubt she has no doubt zero ability she wasn't good at it or she didn't care she just wanted to talk yeah you know who knows you know a lot of people by the way are a little pilled up and they don't even know that you don't want them to talk to you like there's some every PE everything's going to be okay folks there's a few of those people that are anti-depressant to [ __ ] up yes super duper common if you look at the number of prescriptions sold the number of anti- uh anti-depressant prescriptions that are sold in this country every year it's daggering I believe it's like 30 million 30 million people let see let's see how many people are in anti-depressants let's just guess I'm saying it's about 30 million yeah I think remember that book Prozac nation was that in the 90s that's when they started it it's exploded and like everyone was on proac it's such a huge industry I know I know handful of people I have a friend on Prozac yeah good guy too great guy astounding increase in anti depressant use by Americans a Harvard University study Harvard Health Publications from Harvard Medical School or you could just smoke weed right people 12 and over increased by almost 400% wow between 1988 to 1994 and then from 2005 to 2008 that's incredible holy [ __ ] 23% of all people in anti-depressants are women in their 40s and 50s mhm no no no excuse me 23% of women in their 40s and 50s are on anti-depressants menopause yeah but that 3% holy [ __ ] saying you're going through the change of life a higher percentage than any other group by age or sex just stop and think about that 23% of women in their
40s and 50s are on a pill that keeps them happy statistically there's a really good chance that our flight attendant is one of those people yeah that's what I'm saying that's what I'm saying look I had a friend that was on it and one of the things he said to me was that when he was on it nothing bothered him he was on Zoloft and he's like nothing bothers me nothing nothing canas me nothing everything's fine nothing bothers me yeah and those kind of people they they don't they don't see things coming they don't see so they're not aware that they're being weird I wonder what it' be interesting obv it won't happen but to hear what her version of that dialogue would be you know what I mean it's also kind of like it was great talk to those guys so much fun these two guys drinking wine we had a great convers they love me they love my [ __ ] anecdotes about sideways I tell you I told them the sideways story and uh never seen two guys have a better time in a flight I mean they were pretty they were pretty into the [ __ ] bottle you know one of them had two drinks the other one had about five uhuh maybe a total of 4 ounces they were they were they were really little glasses sipping glass of wine yep okay we got a couple of drunks in the fourth I don't know if that was what was going on if she was on anti-depressants but I do know that she wasn't go to reading [ __ ] no negative no is that you you meet people like that all the time yes I'm related to a few but the the so the question is should she have to completely revamp her life get her [ __ ] together change her diet start exercising start taking care of her health start applying different philosophies to her life at X years of age you know an advanced age or should she just take a [ __ ] pill what makes her happier right exactly yes I don't know definitely life does not it's not doesn't live forever it's definitely there's definitely an easier path and a seems like a little more resistance in another path for that other path seems like a pain in the dick yeah be with you take one of these n less than a third of Americans who are taking a single anti-depressant as opposed to two or more have seen a mental health professional in the past year mhm so people just just taking the pills yeah I'm fine that's scary without any kind
of supervision I a mental health professional yes and as are you you guys provide mental health relief in of Comedy that's true I'm a mental health professional from now on I feel good about it I've never done them but I hear think we're Distributors of mental health oh for sure yeah but I hear it can be helpful like if you're going through some really depressing time just to kind of allow you to get some distance to get clarity on the issue I mean I again I've never like a pill can help you yeah like let's say something really tragic like your spouse dies and you just you can't even go on I guess it helps to give you some kind of perspective well you know it's one of the best for that bless you you know the best is um uh ecstasy yes MDMA is incredible for that for grief yep for grief for post-traumatic stress I didn't know that yeah for people with PTSD for people whove been victimized for people who have had horrible things happen to them they say it's an almost immediate and really like fulfilled relief like it's not just a temporary relief it's a relief where you gain perspective on like the like maybe you know had a terrible breakup and you take ecstasy and whatever reason it allows you to see things in a different way where you forgive and one of the big no idea yeah it's supposed to be amazing for that it's supposed to be amazing for stress too for soldiers and [ __ ] yeah soldiers coming back from the war with PTSD that's a huge problem Duncan you know put it in perspective first he goes you think about how many people are over there that are experiencing things that no one here is seeing and then they're going to come here and then they're going to try to integrate in society and get some shitty [ __ ] job how and try to forget everything they did yeah to get all them killing dude I was only I went to Afghanistan for 2 weeks like a couple years ago and just in two weeks being a spectator to a war just being a tourist in all of it was so you saw me when I came back I was like Shell Shocked I had to I sat in my shrink's couch like balling so you see you know you tour the hospitals and you see little eight-year-old boys who fell into a fire and they're burned or you see 20-year-old kids who stepped on IEDs and they lose lose their limbs or their
faces are blown off it's terrible yeah it's really crazy and I didn't even I saw a fraction of it you know what I mean so imagine if you're there a tour do day after day oh my God years yeah I mean you know war of War tour not like a tour of Performing like well that's why when that guy went over and um he was uh suffering from PTSD and they W up just murdering a bunch of people and killed a bunch of civilians and they were like this guy had been crying for help like this isn't like this guy had talking about his PTSD trying to get out of the army and they sent him over there again yeah and he just cracked I mean literally reached a point where he cracked and you can only see so much brutality so much before you lose your perspective you lose Humanity we don't take care enough yeah and I'm not excusing what he did by any stretch of the imagination but what I'm saying is when something like that happens you got to wonder like what makes a person capable of doing that if they didn't do it do they were they a psycho going in or do you make them a psycho does their experiences make them a psycho does the the the lack of feeling make them want to do something that shocks them I mean do they get to the point where they see so much killing and they've killed so many people that they're not even they're not even aware what's real or what's not and how medicated are they are are they medicated do we even know but that's your job to kill people yeah that's the crazy part is they're like here you're getting a paycheck to kill people yeah that's a hard thing to wrap your head around as a civilian US soldiers here we go US soldiers are d dangerously over this is in um this article natural news is that a real website US soldiers dangerously overmedicated with antis psychotic drugs yeah so the apparently there's a lot of them that they have like real issues with war and they give them Prozac you need somebody you need to put people in there that um I'm saying like it's not for everybody you know like yeah it I I think that you should almost there should almost be a clause where like you can go and be like I can't do this and they should let you this is an NBC News heavily armed and medicated that's uh on it's on [ __ ] Newsweek or uh NBC News rather wow yeah those guys I
feel bad for them you should get a card like you get into the military and you go yo this isn't for me you should be able to I don't but it's not here's the deal it's not for anybody it's not for anybody but there's some people you know when it is for psychos and people who think it's it's not and then when they get over there they realize oh I'm not defending my country I'm working for this brutal company that doesn't give a [ __ ] about any people it's comprised of people and yet it doesn't care about people just cares about siphoning out money and distributing to a few people that will never be over here killing people that's the weirdest thing at all of all when you look at the amount of money that gets siphoned out of war and then injected into the bank accounts of people that don't kill anybody risk any life don't risk their health for a second right and they're living like [ __ ] Bankers they're living like gangsters they're they're they're you know if you look at the people that are making the most money out of War I mean it's quite shocking the amount of money that you can extract and never have to kill anybody yeah that's why there'll always be Wars forever and ever and ever I don't know about that man I don't know about that I don't think I don't I think the it's like it's like you know you look at the those pharmaceutical statistics and you realize that industry that Lobby is too powerful and it's too strong for it to get defeated that's why those those pills will be around there'll be new pills there'll be new drugs war is such a profitable device that I don't think you could I mean idealistically obviously you don't want there to be Wars but I just don't I think that there's too much to be gained unfortunately I wonder America definitely country definitely definitely for sure yeah yeah so you think there's no way to fix it well we're so into it we're so in mesh right but how come we can fix it how about if we ran the world if the world consisted of everybody in this room I'm pretty sure no one's going to kill anybody you you might get mad at Brian if he [ __ ] takes a picture of penis over your forehead while you're sleeping or something but Brian would be the one that would get attacked at the first I think yeah he'd get attacked first but I
don't think we kill him no I wouldn't murder him no I would just relegate him to some kind of job where he had no Authority sex slave he was h no hunting for Brian if he wasn't bringing in his food he was eating all your food you'd get a little annoyed like Brian you haven't killed one rabbit I try get away I sold my but I sold my butthole partying I was at El garden with my butthole Joe I see I see in your future would you start a society like a compound where everybody hunts their own food and grows their own food well then they're going to come and get you nobody wants anybody to be self-sustaining inside this country who's going to who's going to get the government will shut it down W you they'll come and W yeah that's so true I forgot about that part you could have a community but they would infiltrate it the government would infiltrate it and then they find someone who's selling mushrooms someone and then they'd come in and bust it they don't the idea of someone gaining a stronghold on a group of people with a different ideology a non-supportive ideology of the thing that's running the country right now they're not down for that very true it's just natural it's natural to try to fight that off oh sidebar have you seen sorry cuz I had a thought I went I was driving on we were driving a Downey like ages ago go and uh there was a billboard for the Marines and it was like Mexican Traditions be be a good Mexican be a marine and you're like whoa this is so evil Hispanic I think it said right well you know I read Mex was Mexican oh and I wow that is really sneaky that's that's how you appeal to a poor young dude right like to live up to this ideal of manhood of perceived well those all those those commercials they all appeal to your sense of wanting to be a great impactful person to be an adventurer to be you know something to be a warrior to be someone who's Noble stand there and slide that sword in yeah it looks great though to a 18-year-old boy when he'd be like [ __ ] yeah I want great to a 45y old man yeah we smart enough to realize why it looks great yeah yeah when you see the propaganda though that's so guided towards a group that's not you is when you realize how much there's propaganda you know like you just don't you don't
see it as propaganda when you see it as an you're like oh this is a thing but then when you when it's so like geared towards another group MH you know like that banking commercial we saw oh my God that was ridiculous the girl comes home with her check and uh she's like speaking Spanish and English you know and it's like this is just so to like you know appeal to the Spanish speaking but it's like it's such a it's you know she's just Spanish and English right she gets home and she's like Mina I got my first check and then no way yeah and they're like I can't she's so happy and then she's like look at my check she's like she like takes a picture she's taking a photo of her check she's like no I'm making a deposit and it's just like a Spanish English conversation and they eat tacos and yeah they're like making they go to so they're like just in case some white people really love Mexicans we'll throw a few English words in here yeah yeah and it's just like you [ __ ] Apes totally you silly white people this is not for you supposed to like this is really supposed to be effective to the person who's Latino who's like I Don't Trust Banks and they're like H this bank's pretty cool so it's just for a bank yeah it's a it's a major Bank you know so why is the bank giving you money what's the bank's giving you a check in the commercial no the no the girl's come home with from her first she's got her first paycheck right and so she's just like I got my first paycheck Al so she wants to put it in that bank right cuz it's the smart one yeah it's the one that's going to take care of your money right say yeah come on take care [ __ ] yo put your [ __ ] in the bank come on don't be sh you got to save your don't be fo don't be a fool hey man what yeah you ever go to a neighborhood where all the signs are a different language yeah we live in a couple where'd you live uh K Town K Town and then we lived in basically little El Salvador which is just the Jason you guys were in the hood for a while huh MacArthur Park bang bang we were in a real [ __ ] hole when we got married we were so broke when we got marri you heard bang bangs uh Tommy tell tell Joe your famous bang bang what you were doing the worst bang bang one was like 2:00 in the afternoon I'm sitting on our
living room couch which is basically you have a you could just look right into MacArthur Park I'm sitting on the couch pants down jerking off to to pourn on my laptop and I just hear like C boom and I just like [ __ ] jump on the ground like I jump on the Ground full boner like what like am I in trouble like it's so terrifying to be in that thought process and hear that loud and I just I pull I pants up and the first thing I do you're not home so I call our Jose our whatever he doesn't [ __ ] listen to the show Jose is uh the building you know manager anymore now so I call him and he's like uh what's up and I go dude what the [ __ ] was that and he goes what was what I go you didn't hear that [ __ ] he goes no I go it sound like it was on my [ __ ] like back like on my balcony n I'm in the garage man and I was like all right and I'm like this is unbelievable and then two minutes go by my phone rings and he's like hey yeah man I just talked to somebody uh some dude just got shot on uh the street out in front that's what you heard and then they shut down every [ __ ] possible entrance to our street and what happened was a guy went up to another guy 2 in the afternoon broad daylight and put a 45 right like pulled it out shot him in the chest random uh it was a gang thing oh and then didn't even run he just waited there waited waited for the cops to get arrested I guess yeah there was a lot a lot of gang [ __ ] in that neighborhood why did they uh wait did they want to go back to jail I don't know that part wasn't explained to me but the the shooting was like that you know the whole thing was that he just I think he was a marked guy like he had done something they were like this is retaliation oo living in a gang neighborhood is not cool no what was neat though is that la APD installed these uh like sound devices where they' put them up on the light post or somewhere and they could actually track exactly where the bullet was shot from within a 5 mile radius so like that was kind of cool like they come in five mile radius yeah I think it's that that seems pretty big that's huge well I'm telling you yeah look it up I I may be off on the uh anyway they could detect exactly where the bullet was coming from apparently in our neighbor our last uh
one of our last nights was a celebratory night where we were on the roof [ __ ] man and um it was a couple days after LAPD had there was a drunk guy on Sixth Street who was wielding a knife and they lit him up like they shot him like yeah they shot him like [ __ ] I forget it was like 13 or 22 time like something crazy for this drunk guy with a knife so they El Salvador in neighborhood marched towards the Rampart Division police headquarters and it was bananas so we're standing on the roof of our building and no [ __ ] there's like 20 police helicopters like usually there was one or two a night every night but like when you see 20 you're like this is martial law like it was that neighborhood that night was unlike anything I've ever seen yeah wow it well they they shot him for no reason the guy they didn't shoot him for no reason he had a KNE but he was drunk he I know he was like like [ __ ] what are he supposed to do give him a book yeah give him a book teach him how to act right show him how to wash his ass with his hand but I think no it it's crazy I mean the whole thing was it is obviously excessive force but they just happy to use their guns yeah they're excited a reason to do it some [ __ ] got a knife let's light this dude up light him up he's got a family two miles two miles all right two miles three miles still doing some research powerful pretty big man yeah that's not good Brian K was on his street and uh his neighbor couldn't drive his car couldn't figure out why his car couldn't start so he got car towed they found a bullet in the engine block what there was a shootout on the street a straight bullet slammed into his engine Jesus yeah that's when Brian was like okie dokie time to move yeah and then a park where he uh used to take his daughter to play a guy shot a guy there cool and I'm like okay [ __ ] Venice great Venice is great though that's what sucks about Venice it's like it has all that but it's also great cool restaurants and Co cool little art places it's a it's a funky I saw poetry slam there once not that great sorry I'm sorry the worst have you been to The Tasting Kitchen there in Venice no I don't know what that is restaurant oh no no no no I've never been there wait slams what do you what do you like what do you like less Poetry Slams or
musicals Poetry Slams okay cuz at least musicals somebody likes him right you're pretending so you remember when they have deaf poetry jam oh yeah yes that was so awful I stand white man in front of you unconquered on top of the universe is my soul Eternal shall I reach a point a pinnacle in my existence here in your white dominated world can I will I do a shella that [ __ ] suck man that's what that should happen there was a time with men like me did not have access to books or knowledge but now I thrive yeah there should be land there should be a black guy in the [ __ ] in the in the rafters with a mic who just gets to after everyone goes your [ __ ] was whack too man like just shits on everybody you what's way worse than black guys and deaf poetry jams white guys white guys and deaf poetry jams white guys trying to be black doing that yes rough here's the problem with those things the art form itself is incredibly unsatisfying like all you're doing is saying things and you're trying to be profound the only time anybody ever wants to hear anything like really profound like that is from someone who is an accomplished person right like if Russell sim Simmons went up and gave a poetry slam about succeeding in business then you would want to see like starting your own business what [ __ ] that's Russell Simmons and it's it's got some pocy to it but when you're some self-indulgent [ __ ] dickwad and you're just talking nonsense and you train they were just so bad and we already told you you're good at sports just keep playing sports what about the white people that are doing R faster oh are we going to see here it's George waty don't be mean to George poor George we're about to crucify him right now oh Christ it's embarrassing white guy doing he's got a golf shirt on super friendly though cuz cuz he's not like I'm going to be funny so this is for those among us who got enough play through 12th grade to carry in an upside down teaspoon for every kid with the collective romantic prowess of Steve urel Richard Simmons and Screech from Saved by the Bell this is the anthem for those among us who got none in our formative years and this poem is for every High School virgin who wouldn't have had it any other
way you don't know the possibilities of a weekend until you've cracked a four pack of juice squeeze with your boys bumped bi's big papa and watched an entire Star Trek the Next Generation Marathon for me virgin was working and I can see why Trey greet each other stop this stop this stop this I feel for that boy you know what I would tell that boy first there's a bunch of things you got to tell them first of all you're breathing heavy has to stop the deliveries yeah the Quinton Tarantino Vibe should have stopped too and he's definitely not going to get laid after this this is this thing that they do where they're in front of black people they they they act black CH the way he talks change the way he talks and it wasn't this it wasn't full bore but it was pretty obvious does that she should have just thrown in a few more you know what I'm saying so would definitely super you know what I'm saying that would be so great four juice boxes you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying but that that thing that they do when I'm going to tell you there's a way I got to breathe that de slam stupid [ __ ] breathing thing in between your over contrived delivery so contrived I'll find one where it's a girl talking about like an ex-boyfriend I like those po BW my heart is broken on the floor he's s and you're like oh no more don't put another one on I can't take horrible I know it's an awful art form it is we should just talking about something else because it's it's it's like stand up with no punch lines delivered by a guy who sucks at standup right that's what it's like so excited for the amount of hate we will collectively receive for this it's going to be brutal do you have any poems do you have any old poems that you wrote no how dare you rip de poetry slam the streets would all be cleaner I don't forget how it worked if I only had a gun I wrote something that's a good one was really terrible I just think they're misguided those people I wrote it which ones the people doing that that I feel like you should tell them you know what you want to perform and that's cool this thing that you're doing the whole thing sucks so just just get into a different art form like you chose the shitty thing you know what it's like
it's like racing unicycles right unicycles are [ __ ] stupid is lame and racing them is even dumber because they don't work right they're terrible get on a bik the only way the only reason anybody rides a unicycle is because they're a [ __ ] attention [ __ ] right look at me the wheels this big and there's only one of them dude with the guy like with a parro on that guy we saw the other yeah parrot the Exotic Animal guy yeah just [ __ ] walking around sweat shorts and a 6X shirt we talked about this guy for 5 minutes we looked at him out the window we couldn't stop cuz we were inside a car so we could abuse him without him hearing it we're just shat upon him for at least five minutes on his lonely stroll that you know he does just for people to go that guy's got a [ __ ] bird snake people are like that snake people people do that how about people with ferrets oh yeah my ferrets on a leash yeah y remember guy in Miami who had the big lizard on his shoulder but now that guy was smart because he was like oh you like this lizard it's $20 to take a picture with right of course which he good $20 to take a picture with it he hoses but see he picked South Beach he picked a place where there's all these tourists and they're like this is some [ __ ] you would never see anywhere this is a guy we came from Wisconsin we saw a guy you're not going to believe this with a lizard on his shoulder yeah might have been the craziest thing I've ever seen we couldn't believe it you should have came with us and he thought he walked around like it was a dog he didn't care a lizard on your shoulder shoulder white people walking down the street silly white people start my those are the kind of white people that you would Target if you wanted to start a cult too type of white people bringing all back to Scientology yes those people if you gave them a dynetics book and started getting their email address and sended them some [ __ ] send them some pamphlets yeah W people Clear Water Florida you ever going in there that's a scient stronghold my my folks used to live there they to live in Clear Water that's headquarters M yeah that's that's World Headquarters yeah yeah that's the spot where they all decided this it's the
perfect level of uh intelligence like the the average it's way higher there of people that you can trick you know there's I'm sure there's very smart people in Clear Water Florida but there's also a lot of like serious dummies yeah you can get them that's where the charlatans go right you can get them it's near Tampa which has a lot of we talked about that a lot swingers oh yeah oh my God yeah there was a club uh in Okala that no longer exists that was run by swingers a lot of swingers part of Florida hey what the hell come on want to watch my wife and me [ __ ] yeah no I'll pass I was with Ari once and we had a guy who drove us in Nashville and he seemed like the most straight laac guy until the last day and the last day as he's driving us to the airport he starts talking about swinging he starts talking about the rules that he like he goes next time you come here you I'll take you to the swinging club and AR and I were like huh what like what are you talking about and so then he starts telling us about the rules that they have like well you know we have rules if I don't I'm not comfortable about it she doesn't go with the guy and uh you know she's not comfortable about it uh I don't go with a girl or sometimes we watch each other but most of the time I don't like watching um man that's a lot would you ever share Christina with a oh we already do oh [ __ ] holding oh okay yeah cuckle cucking cucking where's that word where do that originate from Shakespeare yeah Shakespeare I'm sure it sounds like an old timey English word it does sound old timey but I don't know what it is like I bet you I bet you like cod piece and cuck holding is sh cuck hold in the Wikipedia okay historically it's historical historically referred to a husband with an adulterous wife and still often used with this meaning in evolutionary biology the term cuckold is applied to males who are unwillingly unwittingly in investing parental effort in offsprings that are not genetically their own wow that's deep wow so if you're stepfather you're a cuckold since the 1990s the term has been wildly used to refer to a sexual fetish in which the fetishist is stimulated by their committed partner choosing to have sex with someone else so for some men they
get their rocks off that way but the original verb uh the original description of it I guess it could be a verb as well right [ __ ] holding if you're in mdle of it your [ __ ] holding sure would you ever do that never okay first appeared in 1250 look at this 1250 1250 in the satirical and pical poem The Owl and the Nightingale wow the term was clearly regarded as an embarrassingly direct as embarrassingly direct as evident evident in John ligates evident in John ligates the fall of the princess in 1440 the late 14th century the term also appeared in Jeffrey CL Cher Miller's tale that's interesting Shakespeare's poetry often reference cuckolds dang ding ding you nailed it winner winner you're smart why are you married to him how you guys get along cuz you're so smart my reward is that why we're is that we get along you're smart it's her boobs totally it's my do when I when I speak you just hear like like chimp squeaks yeah yeah wow there's other words words for it there's uh there's cuckold in Bulgarian oh um in Bulgarian it's uh bo I tried it doesn't even have English words or letters so I don't know what the [ __ ] how do you say this p o r c h o c h e and the number four you know it's like a lowercase four it says literally literally one who wears horns one who wears horns in the act of being in Unfaithful is called C the number five a carer por literally to attach horns Vietnamese is a it's all horn it's all the word horn M press PR what's that massage which area you too strong you very strong you like they have it in Greek it's a totally different language it's impossible K number three backwards p a t a letter that doesn't exist meaning the horned one yeah wow so uh no what is that what is that [ __ ] fetish guys would want to be shamed I'm assuming to I have a friend to like shame who uh went to a party and a man made his wife blow him like he W the man watched and was giving instruction on how to blow him wow jez your friend was the one who did this my friend was sitting outside on a porch at a party and this woman was blowing him while the husband was sitting next to the woman giving
directions wow that's crazy yeah I was like whoa dude that's so intense cuz I I feel as though that might violate some trust with my like I you think wait a minute I I love you I don't want you to do that with me well I don't I don't think it's just that I mean it was weird for my friend who is a single guy to get head from some guy's wife while the guy is saying rub his balls rub his balls oh my he's G he's giving him Direction like cradle his balls cradle his balls work the shaft work the shaft is he going to come is he going to come take it in your mouth take it in your mouth oh God the whole deal yeah there's free come to mouth come in her mouth and my friend was like oh my God what he goes I start it started out like ridiculous and he goes but then like like when the guy was like giving instruction he goes it just got really gay and weird and it was all so off yeah the guy was liking it of course yeah yeah yeah that's the whole the pay off that's the payoff for him that's why he does it he likes his wife sucking a [ __ ] wow right in front of him yeah well I guess it's like that forbidden thing it's like we were talking about at the beginning about porn the gagging and two dicks in the ass like yeah it's forbidden you know this like you would never teach your wife suck a [ __ ] in front of you would you yeah Bo I'm going [ __ ] tell her she going to suck a [ __ ] and I'm going to tell her what to do I'm going tell this [ __ ] what to do you sucked her [ __ ] roll those balls oh roll those balls you dirty [ __ ] I would laugh so hard if you did that could you imagine I wouldn't be able to do it oh yeah you just imagine what what the [ __ ] that would be like no no Jesus no no but but there's people like way crazi [ __ ] bond between husband and wife I can not not with this cockled group not with the cuck holds swingers no you know you've seen cuz I'm sure you've been like I've had couples that are always never attractive come up to you and they're like what's up like we're going to go out and have a good time do you want to join us and you feel that like you know that invitation from them like come out with us it'll be a great time we're going to hit this crazy club and like check out my wife's tits and like you know they're they're putting it out there like you know you come you come
party with this you know I've been so we've been together now for almost 8 years and to the thought of being naked with somebody different is so crazy to me you haven't seen Brian naked yeah she has you don't want that imagine that how dare you how dare you how dare you turn your back on that wonderful opportunity Hey Joe can I ask you would you rather mhm we came up with a new one in the car yeah a good one this one's just for you okay okay would you rather for an entire year all you can eat all you can eat is hot dogs from 7-Eleven and Gatorade that's one option or wait and you can't oh and you cannot exercise but you must eat hot dogs and Gatorade or the other option no or you can't or you can't exercise that's it right so either you're not allowed to exercise but you can eat what you want or the other one is eating hot dogs and Gatorade but you can still exercise H that's a good question thank you so here's the thing you have to consider right think I would have to go with a no exercise no exercise and eat whatever you want what you want yeah yeah I would eat healthy not exercise but I would do things that would be like exercise I'd be like well I'm going to just work in a [ __ ] sandbag yard now oh right I would say Hey man can I uh can I work here for four hours a week and then four days a week that's crafty I would come in for an hour and just work for like 10 bucks an hour throwing sandbags around I would just do it really gangster okay what let's revise this what if you're just you can't do that you that's what I would do though I would I would be too smart for you I would just take a job I would take a hard labor job you have to lay ined but you could do but you could do all you would do all the exercise that you want with your hot dogs and Gatorade every day every meal is hot dog you need more your body would break down yeah your body would break down you would have a real issue if you were just eating hot dogs and Gatorade and and trying to exercise you you wouldn't have the nutrients to sustain any sort of strenuous exercise can someone please make a exercise video of just hot dog do you know you probably die of scurvy we we did is because one of our friends stayed at our house one time for like three days and he ate just hot dogs
and Gater listen man ever since I cut gluten out of my diet I miss pasta but they have great glutenfree pasta you know what I really [ __ ] miss a hot dog with a bun a steamy bun with some mustard and sauerkraut I miss that gummy shitty bun yeah I miss Italian bread too BR wor you can still eat you just can't eat the I eat BR wor I just don't eat the bun but the hot dogs that explain this to me what is this glutenfree so that means what component I I don't eat any bread I don't eat pasta I don't eat anything that has flour in it I've been doing it for about four months oh good five maybe five months one what I've noticed like right away when I first started doing it is how when I when I have meals after meals I'm not tired anymore like I used to get tired I would eat a meal and be like oh I would hit that [ __ ] lawn dart of just like exhaustion now I can eat a giant steak and I never get there I never get there I can eat potatoes and I never get there there's something about gluten about eating pasta never did anything bad to me like I don't have celiacs disease it was not something that made me fat but when I quit eating pasta and bread I definitely lost body fat like quickly I I noticed it on my face like my face was like less puffy my ring started to fit in my finger different and I weigh almost the same like I'm like maybe I lost a few pounds like three or four pounds or something like that but it seems like whatever the puffiness was is like my puffiness number went down cuz I was eating pasta and bread every meal Jesus I love it is there gluten-free bread yes okay it's terrible it's like [ __ ] cardboard actually udies has some pretty decent gluten-free bread but it's just simply not as good as gluten bread it's just not cuz regular bread you know you take regular bread and you mush it and turn into a ball and that ball becomes bread yeah it's it's like eating gum and there's no nutritional value in that bread that's the problem it's just sugar doesn't it convert to sugar on your body or something yeah tastes awesome your body doesn't want it at all no your body doesn't like it your body doesn't perform as good when I started doing when I quit it my endurance went up um my body started feeling better uh my back started feeling better like
that's the advice that I got from a physical therapist she told me that she has great results in U people with back injuries telling them to quit gluten that the decrease inflammation of gluten actually decreases the size of their bulging discs I was like that is [ __ ] nuts she's like well it makes sense because it like knee injuries like a lot of times like the swelling and and the inflammation of knee injuries you can reduce that as well yeah I can see that gluten don't they tell you just eat fruits and vegetables and meats anyways like keep it l you shouldn't even eat that much fruit you should limit the amount of fruit unless except like after working out is good or while you're working out in the middle of doing things where you're burning off a lot of calories fruit's good but you should limit definitely limit the amount of juice you drink because when you drink fruit juice it's like straight sugar ter yes I agree doesn't have the fiber in it you know when you eat an apple you're getting fiber you eat an orange you're getting fiber and you're getting sweet that's why you just drink Gatorade like all day Gatorade H dogs well what would you do you guys do would you take the no exercise or would you take Gatorade and hot dog I I would I can't cuz I'm I'm very particular with eating I actually do watch what I eat and I I could couldn't eat cuz you feel like [ __ ] when you eat hot dogs and Gatorade you feel awful it's not good no and you can get by without exercising if you watch your diet properly yeah I think so yeah I can't I I can't eat like [ __ ] you could definitely get away with being okay you know yeah not fantastic but at least you can keep your weight down somewhat I just I don't know the older I get the harder it is to eat like [ __ ] I can't even do it now well plus you would I enjoy eating that's another part of problem I like good food I like food that tastes good hot dogs and [ __ ] it would drive me nuts after a while it would make you crazy all right this podcast is basically over I want you guys to uh subscribe to your mom's house it's on iTunes it's [ __ ] hilarious it's Tom and Christine's podcast and they can find you guys online do you guys have a podcast website your mom's house podcast.com uh toms.com toms.com
Christina comedy.com Christin no you don't know bitki huh you don't trust people negative too [ __ ] stupid and uh upcoming dates you guys got any upcoming dat yes big one uh November 1st and 2nd I'm running my hour in La at Flappers and Burbank and you can go to my site and get it uh toms.com my special is November 9th in Minneapolis you can get free tickets at toms.com damnn free Christine and I are doing your mom's house live November 22nd at the ice house and December 5th in uh San Diego at the American Comedy Company good googly mly uh I'm in San Diego this weekend at the mad house Comedy Club October 25th through 27th and then in Hartford at the Funny Bone November 14th through 17th boom sweet Jesus we're uh this podcast was brought to you by Squarespace use the code Joe and the number 10 one word Joe 10 save 10% off your first purchase on new accounts um that's squarespace.com the number joe1 we're also brought to you by stamps.com for your super awesome extra Sweet Deal use the code word JRE and get your $110 bonus offer which includes a digital scale and up to $55 of free postage we're also brought to you by onet.com that's o n niit t use the code name Rogan and save 10% off any of the supplements we'll be back tomorrow with the one and only Eddie Bravo to break down this past weekend's UFC that Tommy buns was ringside for un un believable tune in for that [ __ ] those fights were incredible it's the greatest night of fights in the history World incredible Diego Sanchez fight was incredible incredible and the main event um dos Santos foras was just yeah mind-blowing crazy [ __ ] all right we love you guys and we'll see you tomorrow big kiss [Music] [Laughter] [Music] ciao