Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ3Gu4szudI
that's the nighttime version of the monkey that's the monkey that's just been up [ __ ] and punching [ __ ] and eating fermented berries that's the monkey that's tired sucking all the monkey [ __ ] that's a tired monkey this episode of The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by hover uh if you have not been to hover uh I have actually I actually use it and uh I use it to uh register domain names I wish I was one of those dudes who got in on that action like when you could buy business.com those Wizards that made like a [ __ ] family fortune of having the right name Coke it was really hard to do I I did it and now I just have a bunch of domains I'm like I don't even care if this is worth anything anymore how you how dare you say that why don't you sell them you [ __ ] what do you got worth something no I don't even know if they you know think are like I have one that's Java lamps you know I have Java lamps is that uh worth something why would jav Mr kiwi Mr kiwi hm if there's a business called Mr kiwi they might be interested it sounds like an apple juice in Japan you know do yeah or some sort of a fruit beverage yeah I just get let go of a lot like pumping.com pill Humper pillow.com boy that was a gold mine you passed up on pal good thing you got rid of those for you hit 40 yeah um hover is uh i' I've used it I won't tell you what the domains are because if uh I have some controversial domain out there and you're like who is writing this crazy [ __ ] maybe I don't want you to know so you have a domain that you use that several no one that no one knows it's you no one knows not even me because you've never told me about it I I have my own pet science projects oh my God that's [ __ ] hilarious hover.com Rogan one of the beautiful things about hover is that you get free who is domain name registration privacy that means you could have dick party inm mymouth decom which by the way we do and we registered it at hover well it's because if you wanted you know not people did not know that dick party in my mouth.com was your website I think that would make sense God damn I want to know what your yours is um anyway hover.com rugan go there get 10% off your domain name
registrations it's very easy to use I am I uh I enjoy using the internet and I enjoy um going online and pulling information from the web however I quite honestly do not know much about how to work everything I'm not that technologically savvy I'm just too [ __ ] busy but hover is so easy it's so intuitive there was Zero hassle of owning and managing domain names with it real user the user interface is a very very intuitive so I recommend them hover.com Rogan yeah [ __ ] free security also so it covers your address and everything yeah yeah that's what it was saying free who is domain name security um Show's coming up this uh I'm at the Burton Cummings theater in Winnipeg June 14th but it's sold out [ __ ] um I'm at the Bear 2 Theater Pub and Grill with Ari shaffir uh in Anchorage Alaska and it's just went on sale today we're doing one night up there to do comedy to pay for our fishing trip we're going to go fishing uh so that's June 26 2013 I've been wanting to go to Alaska forever man I just want to see it I just hear it's insane I heard it just blows your mind like you go up there and just you never look at nature the same you you see animals that you didn't know T yeah my friends who've been there like the my hunter friends that have been there they say it's like you have to go there you have to go there once in your life just to see this unexplored literally you you might go somewhere where human's never been like it's possible to do that still in Alaska like if you really want to get crazy and take a a plane and fly two hours out and just land somewhere it's very likely no one's ever been there like that's crazy there's been a lot of goddamn people in this planet for a long ass time but it is possible that you could find a spot in Alaska where there's never been a human being not where I'm going but you know what's the Alaskan women look like like men really like Alaskan [ __ ] elbow face no I'm sure there's a few hotties up there that just taking dick like it's going out of style because you you have so much power if you're a woman up there I think dudes just have to get used to tossing girls around I bet a lot of guys fight over girls too up there it's really bad it's like 10 to one they they ship them in
they have that like that like mail order stuff well yeah there's a lot of that but that's a commitment and the kind of girl that's willing to just pack up her [ __ ] and fly across the country live with a crab fisherman you know a lot of those [ __ ] are crazy is this male or you know somebody everyone there's crazy they live in Alaska but I think it's awesome too you know I really enjoy these shows that I've been watching I watch like there Alaska the Last Frontier and mountain men and all these subsistence shows I [ __ ] love these shows man the people on Alaska the Last Frontier these are not stupid people they are people who you would totally hang with yeah young couple I did shows up there loved it but every person I talked to I'd be like Why'd You Come To Alaska and they'd go uh I love the outdoors and I I was like there's outdoors in Florida you buried a body somewhere and it's not deep and you had to go somewhere they won't come to get you I think people would still come to get you in Alaska I don't think that's that safe you're in the middle of city like Anchorage when I went there I went from New York flew to Seattle and I just figured it was like another hour from Seattle and like six hours later I was like are you kidding me like I didn't look at the map and figure out that like a it's a far way don't don't be rude dude you know this what Alaskan women look like yeah don't come on man how is she the number four person though that's mean isn't that that's not why do that mean she she's a real human and you're seeing her well she's a hot red head what seeing how is she the number fourth good-looking woman go to the seventh one Sarah they don't have it in order dude seven man yeah this is order of popularity no it's just what Google pops up you should use Bing they're less biased no it's not um so anyway Alaska Bear 2 theater B um Pub and Grill Anchorage Alaska take these girls pictures down dude please thank you um also at the Joint at the Hard Rock July 6th um with Joey Diaz so that's um the night before the UFC there's a UFC on July 7th no 6th UFC is on the 6th my show's on the 5th so Friday July 5th at the Hard Rock at the Joint should be a lot of fun I've never done that place I've been there for UFC fights before but I've never done stand
up there is that in Vegas yes my friend and then the more theater in Seattle on July 26th there's some other [ __ ] coming up but go to Joe rogan.net click on the tour thing and you can find it all there we're also brought to you as always by on it.com that is o n niit t if you've heard this commercial before I'm so sorry but there's nothing I can do I have to just keep saying it there's no new way to say it what is on it it's a human performance site uh we sell foods and supplements and fitness equipment and uh exercise DVDs all stuff that we approve that we enjoy stuff that I feel is beneficial for Fitness for your strength and conditioning for your mental Clarity for even new mood which actually boosts your mood elevates your serotonin levels since healthy and natural but you're not supposed to take it if you're on ssris because ssris essentially do a chemical version of the same idea they they boost your your your chemicals in your brain and new mood uh can do it naturally but I don't know what you need if your doctor's got you on some [ __ ] you either either that's good it's it may very well be good or maybe you should try to do it naturally either one you would have to know that not me you might need it I really have no idea I've met people that absolutely need anti-depressants and they've used it and it's changed their life and made them happy so I would never say but I'm addicted to this one great my friend Molly also this stuff is uh good if you have a friend named Molly cuz that [ __ ] will [ __ ] your brain up drain it dry and people like who's this Molly you're talking so mean about all these people must know Molly no they're all people that enjoy um mood supplements the mood supplements are all um you know 5 HTTP is all been proven to elevate your serotonin levels and makes you uh makes you feel better it's uh it's not subtle either I I find it's pretty obvious when I take it 5htp I first found out about because of Neil brunnen he told me he was taking like [ __ ] ridiculous amounts of it he was going off and uh I don't know if he does it anymore because I think he's on some other stuff too and so you're not supposed to do both of them at the same time uh but uh it's uh it's interesting stuff look into it though like always if if you're interested in taking any sort
of supplement that boosts this or jacks up that or any of that stuff look into it because there's controversy behind it you know um but I can tell you that everything that we have on on it is something that either I use or I would use or I buy or something that I feel is beneficial so that's on.com use the code name Rogan save yourself some money [ __ ] are you still going to do the kale shakes or did you take one today I did not take one but I you know what he said is if I take it with calcium he said it kills C though no no no he said even if you you just if it's raw as long as it has calcium it keeps that other stuff from affecting your body but he recommends it for cooking for a couple reasons one because it kills even more and two because it makes it more bioavailable I still have to you know I I believe him but I still have to look into it myself I've heard so many people say great things about the benefits of kale shakes but I also heard what you talked about that one time about the bacteria like a fungal growth similar to what he was talking about with microt toxins yeah and k i e tons of kale I do too I do too I I drink it I I drink kale shakes because I can I'm not going to eat that much there's no way I'm going to eat a giant you know 30 o [ __ ] I mean if you stack that in a bowl I'm not chewing all that [ __ ] down I do I eat salad when I blend it down though the mount is massive with cucumber and I use raw ginger and raw garlic and it just it's just like a [ __ ] ass kicking burst of nutrients but uh Dave asprey was talking about the um potential um the potential downsides of eating a massive amount of kale that it has um it actually has a type of acid in it that is designed to keep it from being eaten by things to uh discourage predation which should kind of makes sense but I have to read into it so go go to bulletproof exact.com a lot of people think that guy is always just trying to make money he has so much [ __ ] online for free it's ridiculous his his website has hundreds of thousands of little things on it for free and he's had it up for years before he started making his own coffee and selling it and all that other stuff but uh he he wrote something about upgrading the uh kale shake and so if you're into K shakes you should read that because it's
scientifically very fascinating I just I have to read it and then read the opposing and you know how it is you got to look into that [ __ ] yo uh that's it your [ __ ] Eddie if is here you might know him you might not you might be in love with them but we're going to talk some [ __ ] and we're gonna we're going to get to the bottom of things Jo podast check it out The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day boom Eddie if boom hello hell that's what I'm saying buddy boom how are you guys I'm [ __ ] groovy how are you doing doing good every now and then I need to see something online to let me feel I feel like I'm I'm okay but you know you get a little self-critical yeah and then you read about someone online this might be one of the wackiest [ __ ] things anybody's ever sent me this dud is on National Geographic Taboo it's a fake paraplegic who uh he used to be a woman I used to be a man rather and then became a woman and then fak being a paraplegic wow yeah wow what wow she had a secret and the secret was that she's a fake paraplegic she went around in a wheelchair pretending to have a spinal cord injury fooling everyone you think you know weird people in your life and then you read about these randoms that it's like that's beyond anything the craziest weirdest people I know it's even crazy comprehend she's not a dummy she's a [ __ ] PhD she's a chemist she lives in Salt Lake City and uh used to be a man right decided to become a woman and then decided to fake that she was paralyzed maybe she's doing an experiment I don't think so you can't put those two things in the same category though you know like I don't know she could have uh made herself a paraplegic if she wanted to maybe she was molested by a goldfish what did you just say everything that comes to your mind man really why why would molested by a goldfish would make you pretend to be paral I was thinking like what would who would molest you to do something crazy like that you know I always think I always think it comes back to being molested some for the most part people act crazy do Insane things yeah it does a lot of times you've hear that but it's usually sexual yeah yeah
it's when they've been molested don't they usually act out in a sexual way there's a lot of different things like borderline personality disorder that that that comes from sexually abuse a lot of times yeah I had a friend who loved dating girls who had been abused cuz he said they were always the craziest in bed I used to have a bit about it I said when you have sex with like a really really like a girl that's just so good and bed I go all I want to do I I want to enjoy it but I just want to say like which Uncle do I have to thank for this because it no there is this like sometimes like the the craziest craziest best sex You' have ever had you open with that b you get your part no but I but I had sex with a chick who uh it was the craziest sex I ever had in my life and she was a squirter she was like it was insane and uh she was [ __ ] me this one day and uh she goes [ __ ] me harder [ __ ] me harder and I went I'm [ __ ] you as hard as I can and then she swatted me across the face like hard and I just went stop you got to go I'm like get out of my house like you just [ __ ] cracked me and I was like and she just a risk taker that [ __ ] is and she just started she started balling and I go what why you cry and you just hit me I should be crying you hit me so hard she goes oh and we start talking and the next thing you know her grandfather molested her and all this stuff and then she became a prostitute oh God after well after me after after slapping you sent her to prostitution with your rejection I've sent I've sent two girls to prostitution oh my God what's their number I don't think I sent them uh one chick uh I just dated her for a while and then like years later we remained friends and she was hot so hot model like smoking hot and she calls me and she goes uh uh like probably the hottest girl I ever did it and she goes um I was in New York let's get together let's have a drink just friends because it was over and uh having a drink and she said I said I'm looking for a place in New York like a room to rent just cuz I'd go back and forth from La in New York she goes why don't you come live with me and I'm like N I don't want to share room with you that's doing that she goes no I got a two-bedroom I go where she goes
57th Street I'm like who lives on 57th Street like that's like you know like serious real estate I go what you you're always getting kicked out of the country you have no money where' you she goes I got 90 grand in the bank I go where'd you get 90 grand she goes um this other model I know said hey you want to go to Miami for the weekend she goes we went down we parted with these guys we did Coke all night and she goes I fooled around with her I fooled around with both dudes you know went home and there's 25 Grand in my bank account I'm like 25 Grand I'll I'll hook for that 25 Grand wow for a weekend it must be nice to be like a billionaire baller dude who could just order up some $25,000 girls 25 Grand wow for a weekend they paid this is Bali where was this at Miami Miami oh yeah there's girls that go in that one country wherever sex and city was uh Dubai I know so many girls that have turned down the $5,000 offer from some King that just like just goes hits all the ladies like 25,000 week you know in there but I know so many people that have turned it down but I also know a couple girls that have done it and that's just [ __ ] crazy I think there's quite a few of those guys out there well I've been to Dubai a number of times and there's $50 ones there $50 for a prostitute yeah but what I'm saying is that these guys that get girls from America and have them shipped over there oh yeah that's that's crazy [ __ ] that kind of money is that's a we that's a weird reality you know when you have like trillions of dollars like there's people who are like I think as far as private wealth is concerned like what we know when you see like the richest man in the world me not really okay because what you're getting is the richest man in the world who has assets that are measurable like in the stock market when you're dealing with Kings you don't have any [ __ ] idea how much those guys have you don't know why should you know I got a buddy who they have a bank I got a buddy who's a billionaire a real live billionaire and uh never knew he had money for for years he was just um my friend's friend and uh never knew we hung out in New York and everything and then one day I was reading about his family in the newspaper and I went holy
[ __ ] and I called him on the phone I'm like you have money and he's like yeah I'm like no no no you have like [ __ ] money his family does yeah and I said this is [ __ ] we have never gotten to take advantage of this I said you have like crazy [ __ ] you money so years later he came into the money like where it was his e that's so creepy just sitting around lazy waiting for it to happen waiting for someone well no he he worked hard but but someone did die I don't I don't want to give away who he possibly is but okay but in one year he went from [ __ ] Zenith to nator like he he straight to rehab like he in a year in a year from when he like took over the money to he was he would call me and be like I'm in Vegas I got the top floor of the wind rented I got slip and slides down the hallway there's there's strippers and hookers everywhere and we got midgets and uh Stormtrooper outfits serving us drinks and he'd be like I'll have a private jet picking you up get here now how much money did he inherit uh about5 billion yeah oh my goodness oh my goodness and he's not fun anymore that's the best clip right there he's not fun anymore that's a that's a complete ball changer God damn he's not fun $5 billion it's the one guy that like not fun because the rehab kind of uh killed it yeah killed it no he only needed a year before he went into rehab yep wow that's hilarious and what was it for Coke he was smoking crack oh like the mayor of Toronto have you seen that [ __ ] no have you seen the mayor of Toronto got busted smoking crack it's hilarious they have pictures of him smoking crack he took pictures of people while he smoking crack the mayor of Toronto apparently is a hoot he's just a [ __ ] Wild Man and he's out there like in the hood smoke and crack the mayor May well that was Barry May Barry from DC was smoking crack this guy feels like if Mary and Barry could do it why can't a white guy do it I never uh I my my old partner on My Radio Show in New York would smoke crack and uh oh Jesus and I heard it when I joined the show they were like don't hang out with them don't lend them money oh my God and this is they knew this and he was on the air totally functioning functioning and uh we would he would
party hard and he he had a gambling problem he still on the radio now I don't want to say his name but Ry Lang no but uh but uh sounds like I'm pretty sure it's welln so I'm not I'm not saying anything say his [ __ ] name no I don't just in Dan bonuchi no but anyway he one [ __ ] is one the first day look at that you see that picture of the mayor smoking first day we went to uh we went to McDonald's to get lunch first day on the air and he starts talking to me about comedy and he's like he you make money doing comedy I'm like oh yeah and he's like can you L me some money first day my God can you lend me some money so then one night he never came to my shows or anything one night he came to a show at standup New York comes to the show and he's at my show and I have to do like three shows there after the first show he's like all excited oh this is [ __ ] great he goes let's go out let's go we're gonna go out and I'm like I should probably stick around here he's like no come on we're gonna go party we'll come back who's that voice you're doing I'm not telling you who he is but he left and I never saw him again that night and we heard a story he ended up like in the bus day he was buying CRA he was in a bus station but he's been fired from every radio station and uh [ __ ] crack crack who justra how did get into that well if you had money why wouldn't you just go straight to the good [ __ ] why would you go to like the shitty I asked my friend and he said he just he it was such a bad thing for him he couldn't say no to anything so when you're around drugs everything just starts coming around like he would go okay I'll try that I'll try that I'll try that is this when you want Sports guys is that what you're talking about you're W morning Dick Sports guys you're a dick well you you're the one who's telling me it's in the F you wer being very did a radio though dare you how dare you that's exactly who the [ __ ] it is you son of a [ __ ] we won't say the dude's name that's what you're trying to avoid yeah I just need you to know for my own weirdly haven't spoken to him since then like weing out no I talked to him I talked to him this week does he look like wjo like his picture look at his picture I talked to him on I want be rude Friday or Saturday we yeah yeah well that's nice first time in like 10
years yeah working with people that are on drugs is very strange you know hanging with people that I I had a friend who had a serious [ __ ] crack Coke and heroin problem and eventually died there a good buddy of mine in uh New York and he you know he would [ __ ] vanish he would go on Benders and you know he would always want to get dropped off like near a crack house like it was it was really crazy and then he would clean up for a while and he'd be great and then he'd go right back at it and did you ever work the k City Club Stanford and oh [ __ ] yeah those guys Beetlejuice you know one of them one of them died oh you know things happen over here in Kansas City I'm craiger I'm Craig gler I got a I got a Maserati things in I'm bangging I'm bangging this black chick got to see her she's uh the king of Kansas City she's pretty hot uh Joe Rogan won't come back here I don't know why I call him every week and he just doesn't return my calls I would like to come back to Kansas City but I don't want to deal with those dudes are great to have you rever you they need to be known though by the world well they're characters and I appreciate them I really do I appreciate all comedy club Owners I mean he didn't I had a good time working for that guy he didn't try to [ __ ] me got along well pays you I don't mean yeah I meant financially I meant financially I mean I've had issues before I mean these guys to this day that I I'll never forget you know and there a couple of guys I still work for that tried to [ __ ] me they didn't get away with [ __ ] me but I know the fact that they tried to and it's like come on man you know lies about how many tickets are sold and you find out or you know there's clubs that there was a a famous story of a guy on stage at a club and he makes everybody in the club uh count off a number I'm like well first of all what a douchebag he is to use his stage time to find out getting [ __ ] financially but the [ __ ] it was 200 seats under what he thought it was like he looked out he's like this is not 300 [ __ ] seats man and the guy's like it's 300 seats what are you want to tell me you know we got a do a deal is your money you and he was wrong oh oh yeah the the comedian was right by 200 the comedian was right the club tried to [ __ ] him by 200
seats I heard I heard a comic uh at one of the clubs one of the clubs I was working that a comic came through and that he would take so many comps they would sell it out and he he was on a guarantee and then they would take like 40 comps or whatever and then his manager would be outside scalping the comps oh my God was it Barry cats no but I love that story that's hilarious that sounds normal that sounds like a guy trying to hustle hey you got to make money what are you going to do you know maybe he's managing a guy that's not on TV yet needs some cash no this guy was a big name hey maybe he's got bills you know he's got a little overhead wants to make an extra I mean what are they let's say look I I got pills to pay I got bills to pay do you ever do you guys ever count I mean I've done that before where I was sit in the back and just try to count like a rough number at Le yeah I absolutely I do um you should do that well you should know how many seats a club has legitimately if you get a deal but if you don't have a deal it doesn't matter you know if you get paid x amount per week I've had some shady [ __ ] just happen lately where um you know where uh I well you know what think about think about whether or not you want to say it or not but I know what you're saying there's uh you know and like I said I appreciate comedy club Owners cuz it's a [ __ ] business that I don't want to be in it's I don't want to be dealing with a bunch of guys like us could you imagine dealing with a bunch of us every week that's who you're making your living off of that's got to be crazy you got to count on Joey Diaz to show up for a weekend or you don't pay your [ __ ] bills you know you got to count on this guy to show up and not be crazy that guy to show up and not do crack after the first show and then [ __ ] off the the last two shows the club I just worked at uh the club owner great guy and it's a it's a funny have you ever heard of this club Captain Bryan's no you know about Captain Bryan no it's a seafood restaurant in Florida and the guy brings in the big big names and you know Drew krey just did it recently and and he this guy knows how to Market he knows how to sell tickets he's in this little island in Florida called Marco Island and he packs this seafood place and he
sells everyone a dinner and he's moving up uh up near Naples to was 650 seat location that possibly if they move the chairs right they can put 1100 in oh my God and he's and he's awesome and he stands by the comics I love this because there was a comic who got in trouble recently like got in trouble down there and and the cops were after him and he stood by him and uh the other night I got in a bit of an altercation at his club and I thought he wasn't there and I thought the I called him the next day to kind of say look wasn't my fault just want to let you know and they're all like don't don't worry about it he's got your back like he's he's stands behind his comics and I thought oh you know I'm getting they're going to tell me never [ __ ] come back here blah blah blah and uh and he's he's he's one of those good guys there's a lot of real there's a lot of scumback there's a lot of piece of [ __ ] business the the the nightclub business is tough first of all think about who's your the people that you're dealing with for the most part are drunk you're you're basically a drug dealer that's what you are not only that they do their drugs in your establishment and by the way you could be sued if you give them too many drugs and they get in their car and go smash into someone and kill them so you got a lot of stress and then you got these drunk people that want to yell things out while the show's going on and then you have to get them kicked out and then you find out your bartender's been stealing from you and then you found out you know this is going on and that's going on and to have Comics the worst people in the world in your place I think we're not the worst I think we're second I think bands really yeah I think bands would be worse but I think bands get a little more of a a little more leeway than Comics St I don't know about that man because they're expected to [ __ ] up they're they're expected to be wild and crazy but I know a band which were main Stone temper pilots and they were hired for a a birthday party of a friend of mine Dana White and I was there while that Scott guy the lead guy was throwing a [ __ ] temper tant in the back about the the show like has to start and you know in x amount of minutes or they're [ __ ] leaving and [ __ ] this and [ __ ] that wasn't he the heroin addict yeah
yeah they were paying him a shitload of money to be there and it was really weird because the show starts and they go I mean this a private party [ __ ] Stone Temple party Stone Temple Pilots is at a private party okay so I don't know what insane amount of money they had to pay them to do that but I assume it was big money so um anyway um the they come out and are [ __ ] nailing it but no one's paying attention it's the weirdest thing ever because you got Stone Temple Pilots and they on stage and they're [ __ ] killing it that guy is a bad [ __ ] and when I watched it I was like I was like inspired to perform better on stage after watching him do a live show but when I tell you there's 10 people on the Dance Floor I'm being kind there's 10 people in the dance FL and the Stone Temple [ __ ] Pilots is on stage they didn't know what to do yet because everybody had been sitting down before uh we brought Stone Temple Pilots up it was like a happy birthday Dana thing a bunch of people gave speeches and I I gave a speech and then I brought up Stone Temple Pilots so and then someone says one of the executives like come on everybody get up get up get up like he felt bad that no one was on the dance floor but it was it was a strange moment like first of all people did not expect that Stone Temple Pilots was going to be there it was a surprise so it kind of tripped Dana out tripped everybody out they're like what and then boom these guys go up on stage and people didn't know exactly what to do well I've I've I've talked to guys in bands and and for them you know for us corporates are [ __ ] hell well just feel like you feel like a [ __ ] well they do too and bands and it's tough because when when they play a concert their fans come to see them all of a sudden in that crowd there might have been maybe a tenth of the people were their fans well they were so badass it didn't matter but what did matter is at the end he had to sing Happy Birthday to Dana had to sing it happy birthday you're singing happy birthday and you're not just singing it you're singing it to a man and you got sing Happy Birthday to a man and that's part of the game was it like a slow song or was it like like a rockout song well he had his dig in his
hand so I mean you can't sing that fast when you're jerking off he just got kicked out by the way they kic St temp Pilots kicked him I I met him in uh you know the bar right next to the Laugh Factory uh I forget what it used to be called hide or something in there one night and this dude walks up to me and asks me for drugs and I look at him I look at him and I go holy [ __ ] it's you and I'm like how cliche is this like you just but he and and I was all excited about it I'm like Scott W just [ __ ] asked me for drugs and everyone in there was like yeah he asked us too he asked everyone here like he just walked around going you got drugs you got drugs you got drugs I hung out with that dude from Friday last night the big guy that looks like Ving Rams but his one of his eyes is like silver and stuff like that you know what I'm talking about that big big black dude what's his name oh debbo oh yeah yeah yeah I know what you're talking about yeah he uh he was there with his daughter like six-year-old seven-year-old daughter and his wife and he just came in to hang out for a bit came in where to The Comedy Store oh that's hilarious like at 1:00 a.m. yeah if you want to meet famous people go to the comedy clubs in La that's where they go there's a lot of that bam was there also wasted the Scott whan guy what what drugs in specific I I don't want to I don't want to say but I think he has for I'm not positive but I think he asked for Coke yeah I think he asked for Coke somebody would ask for yeah cuz you're not going to ask for heroin no one has heroin on them who asked for weed dude to ask you for weed all the time really yeah a lot of people ask me for weed yeah but you hanging around with Brokers at The Comedy Store no it's mostly tourists from Canada and stuff oh that's even worse and I've been accused actually this week twice I was accused of being on coke twice yeah I hung out after my show I met uh these doctors who went to the same University I went to and we started talking and uh they came back the next night and they were talking to me and something came up about drugs and they like oh you don't you really don't do cocaine I said no and they go oh we were sure you on coke your pupils are really dilated and uh these two doctors thought I was on coke so then the next night I got into some
got in this like altercation with this dude and he's like you're on coke you're on coke and I'm like no I'm not like he's like I'm getting the cops and I'm like I'm not a c that's hilarious yeah and I'm like why why does everyone think I'm and I said it you're a little like that's what he said to my yeah they were like you're you look like your no you don't there's a big difference people would just like to say [ __ ] like that if you have too much energy they want to calm you down and slow you down it's sort of a subliminal way to get you to stop being so if they're getting if they're getting elevated and you're getting elevated if they say you're on coke you automatically try to like suppress it well a we cheer move probably what was happening because this guy and I were kind of getting in a fight he was like I'm calling the cops here on coke why do he fight so much man fight to get in no I never fight I never ever fight get really close but no this one almost happen Saturday night about what um I walked I was leaving the comedy club and I'm I'm going to I I rented a scooter I was on this little island R into your ass kicked thought oh man a [ __ ] scooter it was so much [ __ ] fun I could not bad but I just don't trust those car things that are all around you yeah but this island nobody there people in golf carts okay so it's isolated so I I see the staff in this bar across the parking lot this Irish pub and I thought I'll go in they're all really nice they work I'll go buy them round and say good night so I go in to buy them a round of drinks and the bartender kind of loses it this chick that uh it's 1:30 and she's like H you know you know last call or whatever and I said I just want to get them a drink and she they said I thought you stay up until 2 it's always up until 2 she started yelling at them and she was being really [ __ ] to every single person and I'm I like to think I'm good with people so I went around the bar and called her to the side to nice to her and say hey I know you might be having a bad night that kind of thing I'm sorry blah blah blah I'm sorry if I ordered around it's late because really I wanted more limes in my drink that she gave me and I go uh is there any way I can get some more limes and she was like really you want more [ __ ] limes in your
drink and I was like yeah and then it just started to get more and more heated where she just was like Bering me like just and it wasn't it wasn't like this Daniel Tosh like hahaa I'm joking kind of thing it was she was just being a [ __ ] to me and I went like this at the end she goes so do you want your limes now and I go no I don't I don't want the limes I don't want anything from you I go because you're a horrible person I go and I don't say that to anyone I go you're a horrible person and I walked over to the other the staff and I go she's the worst person I've ever met in my life I go well you got off light if that's the worst person you ever met yeah well I was exaggerating but you spell horrible with a W but I I kept going I said this person uh I said I don't know what happened during her life who physically or mentally abused her or whatever I said I go I've had murderers on my podcast that are nicer people than her I go I've had I've had a couple people on my that have murdered people shouldn't say that probably and I said no no they're they've gone to jail and served time and everything for but I go I she's the and I just kept talking to them but loudly that she could hear it so she went in the back and started crying and and uh like I broke her she she that was it and uh so I'm out in the parking lot and all of a sudden two guys that work in the back of the kitchen come running out at me and they come like running at me and I know there were cops in the parking lot I go where the cops and I'm just like backing up like looking for the cops because I'm like I'm not going to fight these guys and then uh no cops so I'm like oh [ __ ] this is happening and I'm like they're going to they're going to jump me you know this is like some town in Florida I'm like I I don't know what to do so I uh do what I do best I lied what' you do go you don't want to [ __ ] with me guys I look at the one guy go you're old I'll drop you in one punch and I look at the other guy I go I fight MMA dude I'm gonna choke you out I'm gonna kick your teeth in I go when you go out I'm kicking your [ __ ] teeth in and you're gonna you're going to wake up with no teeth and I'm G to ride away on my scooter I I didn't mention I a scoter it it diffused it so quickly because the
guy realized that like he was like a big fat dude and the truth is one onone I could probably here's what happened the old dude and the fat dude want to [ __ ] the [ __ ] yeah exactly that's what it is they came out to try to get some brownie points they try to do some white night action but then the dude goes to pull out of his pocket and I'm like oh [ __ ] he's got a gun and I'm like I should have just run I should have just run when they came out and he pulls out his cell phone he goes I'm calling the cops and I'm like good you guys just were going to jump me I go get the cops and he goes you're on coke you're on coke and cuz I was getting I'm like I'll [ __ ] draw both of you I'm like I'll do it and uh you're on coke I mean well that Florida that sounds like a Coke move and you are in Flor I mean to talk some [ __ ] and make up a story about you being an MMA fighter what if the guy was like who do you fight for oh I I was just I was doing anything to save myself from fighting because I was like I do not want to fight these two guys because my thing is I never want to go to jail I am not I'm claustrophobic I don't want especially when the cops don't know the whole story exactly you don't know if the guy is going to be a friend of the cops you don't know what and a small town like that easily the cops could beat the [ __ ] out of you for and I had just heard that day about a comedian that was there a few weeks ago who it's very funny story you going to name this guy or no I you [ __ ] you're full of half St all right I'll tell it I don't think he'll care even it it was Jeff Dy and uh you know Jeff D he's a good guy and he's a funny guy and he he he was on Last Comic Standing and he's got a show on MTV but Jeff like they stole some they were at like some bar after the show and they stole a jersey like framed Jersey off the wall oh my God took it back to the condo had these chicks wearing it taking pictures of it everything putting on Instagram putting on everywhere God then the the the the bar called the cops cops got involved they they they bring it back they apologize and everything so shows Sunday night they go back to the bar after the show they take it again what fly with it to La what what put it back on Instagram and then all this [ __ ]
happened again and they had to send it back oh my God but that happened that happened two weeks ago so in my head I'm like these cops aren't going to not going to like a comedian in the parking lot he starting to fight yeah that's good move Jeff D was the one that attacked Tony henchcliffe once on on Twitter calling him out saying attacked him about what his comedy really what about his comedy it was it was so long ago but we did a podcast all about it uh it something you didn't like it it was something like uh Tony if you know Tony's uh comedy it's very sarcastic very dry very like almost like the uh Jeffrey Ross the burn because that's what he does for a living he writes for it and he said something like he was having like a weird set and then Tony said something like you know to like I know I'm a great comedian so [ __ ] you or something like that like sarcastic and Jeff started like tweeting things like Tony you your ego this or something like that I can't remember but it it was in a podcast we did Ice House Chronicles the day it happened uh and you know when some situations like that happen when a guy just decides to like go after another comedian right that's how it's kind of weird why would you do that it's a it's a douchebag detecting device that's what it is it's like when a guy flares up like that like oh you've been trying to hold that douchebag down haven't you look it just flared you saw a guy say something and you decided it was time to [ __ ] it out I'm amazed when guys do it because I I've always been under the impression that's like if if I don't like you I'll say I don't like you well that's a thing too you're like a guy's bombing and he says I know I'm a great comedian so [ __ ] you guys that's kind of a funny thing to say and you just decide to go and attack him why are you doing it you're doing it because you're insecure that's only the only reason why anybody does that I always thought there was kind of a code of ethics among Comics to not go after each other like that yeah well especially when you're [ __ ] around you know I've I've heard people talk [ __ ] about guys that went on stage and were trying out new material like oh it's new material [ __ ] sucked it was terrible like how about you don't even write any new material all right you're
making fun of a guy who's up there and you know maybe it didn't go well you know maybe he tried some [ __ ] out and it didn't go well but what the [ __ ] man you know for you for you to you pretending you don't know what that's like what does it say here's what he said and the winner for the most disgusting display of arrogance is Tony henchcliffe false sense of Fame oh what's wrong and Tony says oh what's wrong py pants and then he wrote back Tony you told the crowd I taped TV today so if this goes bad [ __ ] you that's funny that's that's like that's the same it's a joke that's yeah exactly that sounds exactly like how Tony chin Cliff does his whole act sounds like there was more though behind that [ __ ] no there wasn't I asked Tony he's like I don't even really well Tony's got in notoriety right now you know he's working for the burn he's doing well that's was one thing that I I've always noticed whenever a comic would break away from the pack you would always see a flood of guys talking [ __ ] about him especially in the early days like the first guys to get sitcoms and you know and the first guys to like get I remember having conversations with people and I'm like why do you care like how does it affect you if this guy is not funny but he's doing really well somebody obviously likes him yeah I've always whenever I feel anger towards a comedian I always try to look at myself and say am I angry at them or am I angry at myself because I'm not doing what they're doing am I angry because I don't have the sitcom am I angry because because I'm not doing for sure there's that and you know what for sure the people of different taste too and if I don't like something it doesn't mean it's not good like I was in a car the other day and some guy tried to play some band for me you know and he he's playing it loud I'm like oh my God I'm going to open this door and jump I'm like this is terrible this music is terrible he's like they're a cool new indie band from Seattle I'm like they need to stop they need to stop right now I'm like this is Nails on a chalkboard but to him this was like some cool [ __ ] that he wanted to play me you know and I look Eddie Bravo does doesn't like Leonard skinnard okay I try to play some Leonard Skinner for Ed Eddie Bravo doesn't want to hear Leonard skinnard I
you know I can play it for arri shafir who's got like the shittiest he likes Lana Del Ry and he he only listens to it when he's naked but like his his sense of music like not into his type of music but I can play him some Leonard Skinner at least he can understand it Eddie Bravo is like my best friend doesn't even like Leonard Skinner but I think people are more understandable understanding about that with music they're not with comedy where they go he's bad people always say to me is he funny and go it's not my thing but I'm not going to say if he's bad not funny or not that's like going he's not musical it's like one of the things that comes up when you're developing an act and developing an audience is like when you first Go on stage like the first years like the first 10 plus years of your comedy career most likely the people have no idea who the [ __ ] you are and so you although you might have your own [ __ ] that you would like to talk about you got to like get into their head first with some fairly neutral or homogenous or confidence building stuff so that then you could take them into deeper waters once they already like you so it will take like a lot longer to like get to it you know so there like there's a benefit like as a comic to that and that benefit is that you're learning how to craft material and you're learning how to pull people in you're learning how to like how to not lose them with controversial stuff in the beginning that would work if you did it 15 20 minutes in instead of like your first bit you know and I think that a lot of times when you're seeing like uh new and upcoming comedians man there's like a lot of frustration going on there's a lot of like rejection and there's a lot of like everybody's trying to put it together and get something to happen so there's all this [ __ ] tension yeah so when a guy like Tony hinchliff is doing good [ __ ] arrogant of the you [ __ ] bullshitter how long's Tony been around not that long no not that long seven years he's [ __ ] good man I tell you I took that kid to Indianapolis he was really funny he's he made me I've never seen him he destroyed in La Hoya this week ad liing a bunch of [ __ ] uh about the the situation like something that happened I've only seen him or on the Ice House Chronicles I did
um or I did uh when we sat there and he was doing a lot of he did Impressions oh he was he does a lot of Brody uh Impressions no but they were like dead on he's good like dead on he's a funny kid I always like Comics that can do impressions of other Comics that no one like not like this other guy you know he's just frustrated that's what it is it's just that's it's a part of and you know what the feel of Sting of being recognized for being a kind of a [ __ ] [ __ ] you know when something like that that's good for your personality you need to know that that type of behavior is loathsome and then when people read [ __ ] like that they they lash back at you cuz they know exactly what you're really doing I had it when I when I first started comedy and I was in New York I got a lot of [ __ ] too early like way too early like a lot of [ __ ] like like festivals and TV shows cute you're a cute little fell but I didn't deserve it and everyone let let me know it you know all the comments let me know it there's no there's no deserve it you know you get a shot you get a lottery ticket pops up you grab it there's no deserve it because what do you really what is the shot for is the shot for you doing a sitcom because if it is guess what anybody can do that it could be a comic that sucks his his comic could be terrible but if you write good lines for him in a sitcom you could do it I was funnier on news radio than I was in my real act when I first started doing news radio in9 for I wasn't that good of a comedian I don't know I don't know I saw you I I always say this I saw you I think before I started doing standup I saw you Sarah Silverman and I forget who it was on Caroline's comedy hour and it changed comedy for me because you guys were dirty and I never saw dirty on TV I saw stand you could be dirty and I couldn't believe the [ __ ] Sarah was saying I couldn't believe what you were saying and I was like oh I think I want to do this now like the fact this is this is what I talk about let me phrase that I had probably like 20 good minutes of [ __ ] jokes but it wasn't a real comic you know what I'm saying like I could headline I could headline but realistically did I really have an hour not really I had you know I had an hour but 40 minutes of it probably sucked
yeah I you know and I had to I headlined way before I should have yeah absolutely we all did I mean I I could was capable of doing an hour an hour like a year in but was it a good hour no it was dog [ __ ] it was terrible my third gig ever guy took me to Dan Rosenberg uh he's I still see him around sometimes Dan Rosenberg I was living in Pittsburgh he goes hey uh you want to open for me and I said yeah you know I was doing uh like Open Mic spots at the Funny Bone in Pittsburgh he goes all right we're going to Oil City we're playing this VFW and I was like all right we get there and he goes so you're going to do 30 35 and uh I'll do 45 to an hour and I went how how long and he goes 30 minutes you got 30 minutes I went I got five oh my god oh that's a horrible to a person doesn't understand how terrifying that is that's a terrible terrible feel I wrote jokes right there I was just writing them so my point is when someone was giving you [ __ ] if they were giving you [ __ ] saying that you know you shouldn't have got that so so soon stop it that doesn't me nobody should have what if if it's a sitcom that's what you wor about also you got to know I came up through the comedy seller in New York right with all the guys from tough crowd M and that sense of humor of just [ __ ] on each other and they [ __ ] ter Patrice O'Neal used to uh I would see Patrice I would walk in the club if I saw Patrice I would go back out and go downstairs and come in the other way cuz you didn't want him [ __ ] with you oh he would just [ __ ] kill me I love that guy he was hilarious but it's like when he [ __ ] with you it's like an honor you know it's fun it's like people who were not Comics would probably never understand that way of interacting with each other well I walked in we used to do the roasts in New York City that's like kind of where I mean they'd always done roasts but the the kind of reinvention of the roast happened through you know all those guys Geraldo and all those guys in New York and the first one I went to I think it would might have been for Barry cats or for I forget who it was for but I walk in and Rich Voss is hosting it and I walk in and I sit down I'm all excited I'm at the roast and he opens and he goes I'd like to thank all the Comedians and Ed
ifed for being here tonight and I just [ __ ] melted and I was just [ __ ] myself and then they hit me like four more times during the roast and uh Rich Voss would go yeah uh apparently Eddie if just got another development deal or his parents just gave him some more money Eddie was just killing me and then Bill bur they all [ __ ] smashed me and I remember like I was going to cry it hurt so bad I I was demoralized and I'm walking out in Tony Woods me do you know Tony Woods yeah sure Tony goes dog what are you doing why are you upset and I go they just smashed me and he goes dude they're talking about you where did you start doing comedy I started in Pittsburgh I was there for about nine months and decided uh you know I don't want to be in Pittsburgh so why were you having a hard time with the way Comics roll in New York uh cuz I went to New York and uh you didn't know anybody like that I didn't know one no not really Pittsburgh wasn't like that and uh I went to New York and they just beat me it's Boston it's Boston too Boston was ruthless Patrice and Bill Burr both of them from Boston that's that's those are [ __ ] drunk fishermen but I like I have that now and you know I develop that from them and I do it to people and I forget how sensitive people are I mean I just had a guy quit my podcast because I was always [ __ ] with him and well you're like a guy you worked with yeah yeah yeah and he but I [ __ ] with everyone and I don't realize how sensitive people are Comics like it you know like I love it now me and Joey Diaz will start [ __ ] with each other sometimes and each other fake insulting each other it's so fun like what are you what are you doing [ __ ] Saka you got a [ __ ] tyo class to go to sit the [ __ ] down you know he'll say [ __ ] to you and when he insults you it's funny what you got to [ __ ] kill shake up your ass you're out of here walking around like a [ __ ] Momo sit down I live for when I see rich Rich Foss I just love to go head-to-head with Foss it's fun it's fun I enjoy it it's fun you know I remember I was listening to Opie and Anthony and they're talking about Louis CK and Bobby Kelly were or Jim Norton we're talking about how Comics interact with each other and no one could ever understand it Jim Norton had a slice of pizza and Louis CK just
slapped the pizza out of his hand it saids something like your mother's a [ __ ] and just walked away and Norton just couldn't help but laughing he had he couldn't help a laugh it's just we used to do a thing at the cellar where if you were if you were looking at anything on paper like usually the the lineup sheet is on the table if you were looking at it one of the other Comics would grab it out of your hand and crumple it up and throw it on the around and so one night Tony Rock is reading a newspaper article and it's a review of his show or something about him and Steve Burn walks in grabs it crumples it up and throws it on the ground and Tony just punches him right oh my God where was this at the laugh at the cellar in New York I mean there was so much [ __ ] like that he punched him in the face for real like really hit him and uh they got into a fight no I mean they didn't fight after that Tony was mad and I talked to Tony he's like first first time I was ever written up in the paper and I you know Tony was a brand new comic he because he [ __ ] crumpled it up and I'm like well you know but we had there there's there's a thing at the comedy seller table that says Comics only like for there's a table Just For The Comedians and it was just every night they would do it to somebody you'd be sitting there and they grab it and they just put it in front of you a Comics only table is a beautiful idea it is it's amazing is there other way people can get to you though people do come around but that's what they do they'll put the little thing in front of them saying Comics only like go away right and so they do it to Comics sometimes like comic will sit down and they go people have to understand like that sounds rude but that's the environment required to do good comedy yeah like you have to also be aware that if you do some cheesy stupid [ __ ] they're going to call you on it so you got to feel that you got to feel that from those people in the room and that that added pressure it makes you develop I was on stage there one night uh and you have to to get to the bathroom you have to walk past the stage you're l literally one table back the row runs parallel to the stage and I'm doing my act and Jim Norton walks by me looks at me and he's as far as you to me right now and he
goes GH he goes to the bathroom comes back from the bathroom after goes looks at me again and goes double just goes upstairs it's only fun for comedians Man Regular People if you did that at work you'd get sued y you would get sued you would lose your gig people [ __ ] can't crack jokes at work you know and there's there's people that are annoying about that [ __ ] but there's a lot of like funny that gets cut out of the workplace you remember the water balloons at The Comedy Store Joe the um let's let's let's not talk about that as if it actually happened but wouldn't it be cool if somebody might have done that if somebody might have launched water balloons with a catapult off The Comedy Store and flew them Towards the Sky Bar where there was a bunch of [ __ ] waiting in line to get in it might have happened it might not happened anything funnier launched like 35 M an hour I mean they hit the like car yeah these people got hit in the head and their heads would snap back and these are like Paris Hilton and stuff I was I have a new respect for everyone Comedy Store that was involved in that I was fortunately on the ground level so I I I heard screaming that's is how I found out it was going on I heard screaming across the street and then I see this dude get hit in the [ __ ] head like the zuder film I mean his head snaps back the so I mean it's a [ __ ] cord of water hit this dude in the face it was really kind of [ __ ] up because they had this contrap and this allegedly happened by the way allegedly I don't even remember who was on the roof it was some employees though allegedly who could get in trouble now allegedly I don't remember who it was so and you know I fness accounts are some of the worst pieces of evidence you're ever going to come across so the reality is I honestly honestly do not remember exactly who did it it was some employee but you could like put in my mind it was this guy and I'd be like okay we had a secret show where all the people involved talked about it I bet there's a lot of people now pretending to be involved because the cops came to the store and they were looking for the people but nobody could figure out what happened I don't think
they even looked on the roof did they ever look on the roof no allegedly not really happen ditch genius though oh it was ruthless but it was standup comedians you know drunk and high going should we yeah [ __ ] it that's awesome but we didn't know about it literally until it happened you know that front area the com show you how childish coms are our sense of humor is so like we used to throw crab apples at cars as kids that was our we would take these apples and you would just hit cars as hard as you could as they're driving down the road that's some East Coast [ __ ] or snowballs snowballs in the middle of the winter with like snow all over the road how about snowballs with rocks inside of them that was a big one a lot of kids did that you drive by and you hear your car go Bank like you [ __ ] hit the brakes and then they scatter in three different directions we used to set up our Escape Routes like we had this one where be behind these trees we'd be behind these trees we'd throw the crab apples and we'd kind of try to once they stopped we'd kind of show ourselves cuz we had such an Amazing Escape Route we wanted them to come after us oh my God we'd run through this guy's back yard and he had a creek through his backyard like I kind of lived near the woods and he had a pipe the creek went into a pipe that went under the road so there was a fence around his yard and it was like a if you open the fence it closed itself so we had a stick that would keep the fence open the door the last guy would kick the stick out so the gate would close if they were chasing you we'd run down into the creek through the pipe and come up on the other side of the road and just watch him looking for us oh that's awesome and we lived for what if you fell and cracked your ankle and that guy came there and just [ __ ] your face just knock knocked all your teeth out and pull his fat Quaker Oats box [ __ ] out of his pants and just [ __ ] your face and your friends they're a bunch of [ __ ] they're not going to help you this guy's got a giant heart on he's just been waiting for some kid to throw a piece of fruit at his car so he could find an excuse to punch his teeth out and [ __ ] his face he just got you pinned
up against the opening of that tube that cement tube I'm writing this is a movie your mouth and you you not know whether you should rub his balls to make it go quicker this is a start of a movie right here should I finger his ass and maybe this guy will come or just no but I did have a cousin should I fight it would that make him come quicker I had a cousin who uh who said uh you know he was the older cousin Ted Ted Smith said to me if you get caught you're on your own that was the deal you're on your own Ted gets caught who were you with Eddie if I saw some kid beat the [ __ ] out of some guy who threw a snowball at his car some guys threw snowballs at this guy's car it hit that car boom boom he hit see the guy Lock Up Hit The Brak his car shots click he throws it in the park and he's just sprinting from the moment he gets out of the car he he was there was no hesitation this guy had a [ __ ] plan and the kid hesitated for a second was like oh [ __ ] like it was the C came out way too quick he just didn't you know you got to if a guy starts running at you you got to know when to run and this guy was he was a [ __ ] he was a tough guy obviously he was an athlete too he moved really quick took this guy down and just smashed his [ __ ] face in people were screaming stop hitting him stop hitting him he beat the [ __ ] out of this guy I I don't like I've never had it happen to me where I got hit by anything driving now I don't know if kids still do it [ __ ] yeah they do it are you crazy if you leave kids outside and there snow they're throwing it at cars that's a fact there's no getting away from that but if you throw a rock inside a snowball and you hit someone's car you kind of deserve to get your ass I never did you shouldn't get killed you know but I mean someone maybe should scare the [ __ ] out of you and smack in the face a few times yeah CU a lot of kids do that man a lot of kid you're throwing crab apples you [ __ ] crab apples will Dent the [ __ ] out of a car there was this crazy [ __ ] group of kids in our neighborhood that uh used to uh [ __ ] up crazy kids and uh they used to tie a dummy to like a rope up in a tree and swing it across the road in front of cars oh my God yeah oh my God that's people die yeah these guys were [ __ ] crazy when I was in high school
there was this one dude and he was uh I think he went to the Rival high school and he was a little older so say if I was like 15 he was like maybe 18 or 19 or something like that and his parents had a lot of money and uh folks who grew up in Newton will know this story uh Newton Massachusetts in the 1980s I guess I was probably a freshman in high school so it's like 1981 well this guy had a Trans Am like a [ __ ] Bert Reynold style Trans Am with the eagle on them on the hood and he ran over a dude and the guy got trapped under his car and he drove with the body under his car for Miles he just killed the guy by driving with this guy under his car yeah is he in prison still oh I don't know I don't know I don't know if he's still in prison I know he went to jail I mean I know it was a big case it was all over the it was in the the front page of the globe yeah my a big story my high school has been on guy my high school's been on the cover of uh USA Today like three times in my life one it was with uh our quarterback from our football team sprained his ankle at a pep rally and they made a joke about it in like a little blurb that he at the pep rally he couldn't that's not as good as my story no but listen to this one okay there was a guy two two guys and I I'm really I'm I'm pulling out of the one right now I'll tell the one the other one I will tell you off air and I'll tell you why because you a [ __ ] I know I know I know I know I know tell stories I kind of told it on my podcast a little bit and had to pull out of it and edit it because he will he'll find us all and he's an evil genius the one dude but all right but the other dude his name was uh Bob Corby and Bob Corby was the guy he was like a seventh year senior in high school and when he would come to school you would hear about it everyone's like corby's here he was the biggest badass back then you know this what do you mean by seventh year senior you mean he never graduated he never graduated cuz he he'd come to school he' come to school once a month but he was the toughest [ __ ] ever and one time I saw him come down the hall and there was like this gang of kids that were the tough kids and he came down and I was just cutting class and he grabbed
one of them and was just banging his head into a locker at the time he was probably like 19 or something in high school what a douchebag but but the kid he was beating up was probably the same thing like these were the degenerates that just never they never went so he's just abusing this kid I get so scared scared I walk straight into a classroom that's going on and the teacher is like what are you doing what are you doing in my classroom and I go because I was so scared of what was going on in the hallway that I just went into a random classroom well this dude cops used to it was a known thing uh that the cop said when you got to go pick up up Corby you got to bring a lot of cops because he's that badass well a couple years ago I see on the front page of uh the newspaper I'm sitting on a plane uh FBI agent come to his house because he's dealing drugs and his wife blows away an FBI agent with a shotgun whoa and uh what happened was cops came in he took the drugs flushed them down the toilet ran out the back door FBI agent says to his wife we coming upstairs she goes don't come up here she's got her baby she got a shotgun she goes don't come up here and the FBI agent goes we're coming up FBI and he comes around the corner and she just goes and kills him God now uh the argument was going to be like she she ended up getting prison the Bob Corby didn't so I'm probably dead when I go back to Pittsburg for telling this but uh but she the argument was when drug dealers raid like why are you telling the story if you're getting in trouble are you your [ __ ] mind and you're telling it on this podcast it was it was all over the newspaper I mean it's a it's a known story you still you're still saying you shouldn't be telling it no no I'm joking but uh but uh wow so she shotgun the cop she shotgun the cop but the argument is and if you know from Craig Glazer from saneron Sons when he used to raid drug dealers that was how he made his money he would tell drug dealers that he was a cop and then take all the money it is true you never know if it's really the FBI right so that was her defense is that these could have been drug dealers coming to steal money she's protecting her child yep she's right in a lot of ways you know yeah but why were they looking for him because he
was selling drugs so she must have probably known that right I mean they and she probably yeah she probably thought someone he had a lot of prior that is a good excuse though that you could have thought another drug dealer was stealing your money and you know GNA come and you have a woman with a child is a very [ __ ] primal thing you know they'll defend their territory if they have a gun and some guy who may or may not be an FBI agent is coming up the stairs and how long did she go to jail for that I don't know I think she still I think she's still in well this guy who um was the Rival guy and you know from the Rival high school was like the cool guy because his parents were like really wealthy so he had a car that was like we were all envious of like if we had a nice car back then it was an old shitty car he had like a nice new car it was mindboggling to us this guy had a 1980 TransAm or what he drove over somebody he dragged this guy for I think it was something like seven miles and there was a meaty streak for seven m i mean the guy was stuck under his you know it's a car and it's a low car CU it's a Trans Am and the guy got stuck under it and dragged for like seven miles I dragged a hooker once for about uh I say like 5T in a car in a car she was she hanging on or was she tried to put her arm in my window to unlock my door like I put down the window a little bit it was like a crack [ __ ] and uh I was coming home from a gig and uh I I will admit I had had a little bit to drink and uh I was eating Wendy you talking [ __ ] I had a bag of Wendy's on my uh no I wasn't and I'm I'm I have a bag of Wendy's on my lap I'm eating and it's like 3 in the morning and uh this hooker Flags me down and and I thought like it was an emergency type thing the way she was like waving so I said what's going on and she goes um it's so cold it's so cold and I went and I only put the window down just a crack to find out what was going on she goes it's so cold it's so cold and I go huh and I'm like all right this is weird she goes let me in your car let me in your car and I'm like not letting this chick in my car and she goes come on I'll give you a [ __ ] and I like and I was like huh and she goes I'll do it cheap and then it like all occurs to me I'm like oh hooker and by the the time I'm about to
like put up the window and go she's putting her arm in trying to unlock the door and so I just hit the gas to like get away from her and this is all Split Second so my reaction is [ __ ] this chick's getting in like ah and I drive and I just see her just get dragged and then f f and then in my head I thought I was that dude I thought I drove over her I'm like I just [ __ ] and there I am in the middle of the ghetto in Pittsburgh and you know taking a shortcut through no one's going to believe me they're all going to be like oh he just likes to kill hookers you know my question did you finish your sandwich yeah you know what I think I did because what happened was I see her stand up no no I stopped I look in the rearview mirror she's [ __ ] on the ground and I'm like [ __ ] I K and I had to make this decision where I'm like do I [ __ ] leave or not and I think we talked about this on the ice house I [ __ ] I was like do I I I drove I I sat there and she stood up finally good and dusted herself off and gave me the finger and then I gave her the finger and I drove away wow you gave her the finger after you almost killed her weren't you happy that she was alive I was so I was like that's the end of my life where's your compassion though finger you got off light man you could have been a murderer you weren't you should have been like Mah that wouldn't have been I mean I would have gone to jail for murder but I did I don't know about that but I did I do not think you would I think you would because she kind of attacked you in some way no one could believe that though if you told the story exactly the way you did it you know you had a Wendy's bag and your a Jack In The Box or whatever the [ __ ] it was was it Wendy's Wendy's in your lap I mean it all makes sense yeah you know you didn't know this is the spot where hookers are were you from that town yeah you're from P but it was like I you don't have I drove through that area and it was a shortcut but uh most people would be like where you coming from where you going it wouldn't have been like why why would you go that way there was a lot of car [ __ ] that went down when I was a kid that I remember that was like a a real lesson like uh there was a kid that I knew from my town that uh killed his
best friend in a drunk driving accident by the time we were like seniors he would drove drunk and smashed into a tree and kill his friend and uh there was that guy who drove over the guy there was like there was quite a few of those little situations where someone died yeah when people die young that's it it's cars it's drugs oh that was motores another one guy that we went to high school with was changing his tire he changing his tire on the side of the road and someone smashed in his car and killed him someone just wasn't paying attention so there's like those were like three giant lessons that um I was very fortunate that I didn't have to get on my own like don't drive drunk don't don't stand on the side of the road changing a tire you know and you know you got to be careful I'm not I'm not proud of it but I used to drive drunk a lot as a kid and I I was bad I was really bad and I don't I don't ever do it now I never [ __ ] do it like cuz I'm too afraid it's it's avoidable yeah you know but it's really kind of crazy if you stop and think about the fact there's drug stores and they have liquor and then there's bars and they have liquor and then there's supermarkets and they have liquor if marijuana was as readily available as alcohol it would be [ __ ] bananas cuz literally if you go down like Ventura Boulevard in like Studio City every 20 feet you can buy alcohol there's like a series of bars and restaurants every 20 feet you can give [ __ ] up I'm amazed that I'm still alive uh one time I was at a bachelor party and we left and we had to get we were on Lake George in New York and we had to get back to the house where we were all staying and there was like one bar in this town and all these guys piled in this Minivan and we were supposed to have two like Vans for all the guys but one of the Vans had to leave to take a guy to the hospital from the bar and uh we were leaving and this Australian buddy of mine that was there jumps on the roof of the car and I think it's funny I jump on the roof of the car too while you're driving no this is in the in the parking lot and then there's like a whole bunch guys in the van and because it was really crowded so he goes ah I'm getting on the roof and I went yeah me too just [ __ ] around and the guy driving good friend of mine Sterling
[ __ ] took off and we're on the roof holding on to like the rain gutters and he drives it was seven miles back to the thing driving [ __ ] fast and I'm trying to punch like the window with my hand like open slap it going slow the [ __ ] like you're going to kill us like in my head I'm dying because every we went around I had to like redistribute my weight on the roof of the car or I was flying off and and in my head I'm going this is it this is how I die for sure I'm dying no you were saying stop you're saying stop the car screaming stop what happened to him there's a van full of guys all screaming faster like thinking you know everybody shitfaced they thought it was funny and thought it was hysterical and then we when we stopped when we stopped at the house I was really angry like he did like a donut out in the parking lot we finally fell off and uh the my one friend of all my friends only one friend said to me he's like he's like I was practically like crying in there he's like I thought you were killing two people it could have happened he's like he's like everyone but I look at the Australian guy next to me and I go we're gonna [ __ ] die and he goes M we need a cocktail up here like he was just loving it and I'm like we're gonna [ __ ] die for sure if you fall off a car going you know any amount of miles an hour 20 miles an hour but we're probably going 55 60 something like that J you dead as [ __ ] yeah I don't know how we did die that is where that uh that football player that young what's his name I forget something Henry Died fallen off what's it Chris Henry Chris Henry yeah he fell off the back of a uh truck his wife was trying to get away from him oh yeah and he fell and cracked his head open well I was embarrassed because I kept thinking to myself this is how I'm going to die and this is how my parents are going to have to like just such a hor like yeah our douchebag son was on the roof of a car and I was probably like 32 at the time oh my God like if I was 16 it'd be one thing yeah I thought you were way younger I'm confused with the timeline oh this is just a few years ago oh Jesus Christ what the [ __ ] man you hanging out with losers you don't like to ghost ride your whip
Joe that's ridiculous man yeah it was terrifying yeah you got to be real careful about what kind of drunks you hang out with cuz the drunks that try to top one up each other and try to out drunk what is this ghost riding the whip that stupid thing that those kids do where they they get out of the car and dance and stuff while their car is like still driving down the street oh come on and it's called ghost riding the whip you've never seen this no oh God are people really that [ __ ] stupid is this the one where they [ __ ] it up yeah yeah oh my God okay see this and a lot of times you get on top of the car sometimes you dance next to the car I always go right from behind car no way have you done it yeah I've actually done it oh oh see he fall so the other guy's screwed the guy cam but yeah it runs right it ran right into the camera guy God yeah yeah that's a good way to die right cuz you're filming with the most hilarious video ever and your fat friend falls off the [ __ ] hood of the car it's rolling towards you with no brakes on that's why I can't believe none only one of the jackass guys has died and oh no yeah is that guy on Highway yeah oh my god look how fast he's going or the guy's running towards it yeah cuz they're not going that fast no it's still so [ __ ] stupid that's a good spot for it though if you're going to do something [ __ ] stupid there's a um area out in Palmdale where we used to do all the Fear Factor stunts because we would close off this giant stretch of road and we would like set semis up on it and people would be on the semis trying to jump from truck to truck and [ __ ] like that but we would would oh Jesus CH oh he's not going fast at all he just jumped right off of that thing that's ridiculous yeah all right you stop with this you see anybody get really [ __ ] up in Fear Factor um no no not really I mean the worst accident I ever saw was like a dude jumping from one boat to another and like smashed his face that's like wipe out yeah I mean he hit it hard but boom and went it looked bad yeah when I watch shoulder I'm like how do they not [ __ ] themselves up more like how do they not have a concussion jackass is way scarier than Factor some of the [ __ ] those guys did like when Johnny Knoxville was a [ __ ] already a
movie star puts a blindfold on he stands in front of a bull and the bull sends him flying through the air while he's blindfolded those guys are crazy well do you ever watch Nitro Circus no Nitro Circus is jackass with talent I can't watch that [ __ ] uh but I I find it so impressive these guys are like trained St they're like they took like the best motocross racer the best the best bmxer the best skateboarder the best everybody that the best of what they do and they do stunts and they beat the [ __ ] out of each other no they they do stunts and they do real like they'll jump out of an airplane without a parachute hook up to another guy with a parachute oh my God but they do these things that I'm like how are they not dead so they're they're more taking risks whereas the jackass guys are hurting each other they're hurting each other it's a different scene because you're talking about guys like jackass guys put bulletproof vests on and then get shot but the risks they're taking the jackass guys produce Johnny Knoxville produces Nitro Circus okay if you watch it Johnny does stuff in that's where he hurt himself when he [ __ ] up his dick what yeah he he had like P I don't know if he still does but I think he has to like pee in a catheter or something because uh he went they taught him how to backflip a motorcycle and Johnny just tried it oh my God and uh he broke his dick The Handlebar went straight his [ __ ] oh Jesus Son brutal oh my goodness but um yeah they have this guy Street Bike Tommy who is one of the uh one of the Nitro Circus guys and he's kind of their fat guy that they make fun of I've tried to have him on the podcast and he's he's uh he's like yeah when I come to California I'll do it but he uh the other day he he he instagrammed a picture he just cut his finger off and it's the grossest picture ever um but he they make him do all these things and he's not talented like they are and so whenever there's like something F they're the slipping slide guys have you ever seen their crazy I told you I don't watch that [ __ ] I don't want to watch idiots doing stupid [ __ ] and they're going get him hurt it's phenomenal to you I don't like that stuff I get it you know but I don't like it I don't want I want to watch guys run into walls and break their face no no no but I mean when they're doing stuff like it there's
other [ __ ] in this world that yft it's the stunts are phenomenal I'm sure phenomenal I'm sure yeah good luck with that well like tra do you know who Travis pastron is no heard the name Travis is the Motocross rer Hur a few years back the guy's broken like every bone in his body yeah I went to uh um I think it was a a thing for him a birthday no it was like a benefit SL birthday thing I think I think if I'm thinking of the right guy is that the thing with Geraldo and arge Barker were there no no because they roasted them for MTV no it wasn't that I it might be a different guy but go ahead but he he now races rally racing because he's he's just [ __ ] himself up so much so he has to drive cars now cuz he's broken everything too many times broken everything there's a great documentary on them called 99 lives I think it's called 9 on lives and uh it talks about his lack of fear like his his mental capacity and how he doesn't like we all have fear and he doesn't have it and uh just well what do you mean he doesn't have it he just doesn't have it like Is that real yeah I think there's something scientific to it that uh you know so he's got a brain that's like got a missing piece o that sounds like a really dumb thing yeah but he's uh you know he's he's uh accomplished a lot of things there's a video of Johnny Knoxville breaking his urethra if anybody want to watch is that what it was he broke his urethra Matt Hoffman's tribute to evil coneval I don't want to see it though Matt hofman it's five minutes and I'll break my own rules by even telling you Matt Hoffman is a guy that is he's a bmxer that he's hurt himself so many times that they wouldn't do surgery on his knee this special surgery but they had it in Canada and they didn't have it in the United States so he went to Canada to do it the doctor could do it in Canada but by law he couldn't do it unless he was awake he couldn't put him under for it and uh they had to bring whatever the um it was like an anterior cruciate ligament or something and it was it was made of uh I forget what they used not Titan it was whatever they used to make it um something like a polypropylene or like a wire gortex whatever it was he had to ship it to Canada cuz it was like illegal they weren't allowed to use it
there so he put it in like he owns a b XX company put it in like a bike box and sent it and then the doctor did it and he talks about it he helped the doctor do the operation because there was like the doctor had like saw this part put it in and he stayed awake and let the doctor put this thing in these guys are just well mine I had an ACL operation where I stayed awake you stayed awake from yeah but I just wanted I wanted to see it it was the first one they give you an epidural yeah they gave you an epidural knock you knock you out so from the waist down I I couldn't feel anything you did to watch I wanted to see it and I was scared to go under too I don't like going under I don't like going under going under to me uh was like getting knocked out yeah like I didn't I didn't ever want that to happen I did it once for an I broke my ankle and they they put me under and then when they went to take the plate the the screws out I said I'm not going [ __ ] under again so you went with an epidural yeah yeah there's certain things they won't do with an epidural but uh there's you know the second knee operation I got I had him put me under I but he had to help the doctor I I wouldn't have been I was drugged up to the gills yeah I don't think he was drugged yeah how did he help the doctor like here hold this yeah yeah hit that with a hammer when I say go I think I saw the interview with him when he was talking about [ __ ] robot doctor voodoo doctor was he going to the dude who rented me the scooter this week had esophagal cancer had his whole esophagus removed and they they moved his esophagus like around to the side and back because he had acid reflux so bad and he got esophagal cancer they did procedure on him that had never been done before they put him into a coma to do the procedure because when you're when you're under you still swallow you still have a swallowing refle it still happens but when you're in a coma you don't swallow my God so they had to put him into a coma and I go what was that like and he goes well I go when'd you come out he goes about two days later he goes but I couldn't say my ABCs for about a month wow but it saved his life the guy's alive wow wow think about that [ __ ] when you smoke cigarettes Brian yeah Brian thinks it's never going
to happen to him oh it will he's going to be that guy it's going to be fine smoking a pack a day for the rest of his [ __ ] life oh wait but you you have you have the [ __ ] fake cigarette yeah that's just so when I'm inside I oh God and also because he loves Steven dorf what the Steven DF this actually watermelon flavor too you've never you don't know no oh I need to turn you on to the douchiest commercial in the history of the universe it's a commercial so douchy you have to think that it's a subtle parody you have to think that someone was like someone someone hat Steven dorf and they talked him into doing this and they're like listen he's an egomaniac we're going to talk him into doing this [ __ ] commercial it's like there's no way he's going to do this commercial I'm telling you I can talk this [ __ ] do this commercial Steve we want you to write this we want it to be in your voice we want you to sell these cigarettes you got to you got to see this I'm tired of being a walking as trick negative too I'm tired of feeling guilty every time I want to light up I'm Steven dorf I've been a smoker for 20 years and I just found the smarter alternative blue E6 blue lets me enjoy smoking without it affecting the people around me because it's VAP look at this this this is my favorite part the deep that means no asep no Beach with Blue you can smoke at a basketball game if you want to and how about not having to go outside every 10 minutes when you're you're in a bar with your friends the point is you can smoke blue virtually anywhere we're all adults here it's time we take our freedom back come on guys Rise From the Ashes take your freedom back you have to smoke outside sloww the long slow draw at the end oh that uh that's uh do you ever uh there's a doucher one though you're you're have you seen the Brad Pit one is it like a Japanese one done this like seven times have you never seen the Brad Pit Chanel Number Five commercial I don't think so oh sweet Jesus you must see this oh wait wait there's a new one wait we should watch this new thing that there a new Brad Pit Chanel Number there's a new commercial really need money a new commercial what that's uh hold on what
what all right Courtney what is it uh Courtney Love have you seen that it's kind of like the same idea as uh what we just watched but with Courtney Love no yeah hit it all right enjoy presents yeah that's another company is that Courtney Love no you never know it's been a while seriously that's Francis be okay so we're watching for folks listening at home we're watching some woman elegantly Dressed old lady uh she has a lot of jewelry on and she is walking up to Courtney Love who who looks better than usual you know you can't smoke in here relax it's a [ __ ] enjoy way [Music] better enjoy okay that was way better enjoy sort of I commercial uses the word [ __ ] D yeah but it's I mean I guess it's better but I mean it's like you want to be the [ __ ] that smokes those cigarettes and acts like that better than a regular cigarette it's I guess it's more rock and roll than the other commercial yeah you know it's better it's better okay watch the Brad Pit one on your own but it's the only thing that's even doucher than the Stephen dor commercial the Brad Pit one will turn your stomach because Brad Pit's got like a billion dollars doesn't make any sense well I guess you got paid like crazy Millions had to be maybe maybe he's buil a Hut in Taiwan yeah I saw I saw Seinfeld doing a corporate and I was like how much money do they have to pay Seinfeld to do a corporate a lot of those guys love that [ __ ] you know Jay Leno makes a huge amount of money doing that stuff that's like his gig that's like a big joke though the Leno corporate [ __ ] is it a joke don't you know that every comic apparently like when you sit on the couch and talk to him he goes so uh you doing corporates guess how much he because he he does a lot of them he loves them guess how much he got paid for it who got paid R pick got paid to do that commercial much let me guess let me guess okay how much wa them guess uh 11 million 11 million what would you say Jo 4 million it's actually seven H because I know $7 million to sell your soul seven million it's so bad it's so it's so stupid okay you got to see it now play it now would you do it uh me
for 7 million no you wouldn't do it for $7 million to that no because I don't need 7 million you know if I was broke and and I did before I did Fear Factor before I did news radio and you said hey you want to do this really douchy Chanel Number Five commercial who'll pay 7 million be like [ __ ] you can find some horrible commercials with me that is this is this commercial though is so it's it's so ridiculous like as a comedian you would have such a hard time doing this commercial it it's really hard to do I've done some [ __ ] though really play it cuz it's it's it's so Preposterous you watch it and you go come on Brad what is going on not a journey every Journey ends but we go on the World Turns and we turn with it plans disappear but look at him look at him looking you're not really doing this Brad you're looking you're not this is not really you're acting you [ __ ] my fate 3 million my fortune 4 million she number five million 6 million hold on inevitable no come on that's disgusting that's so bad I mean [ __ ] I might do it for Fu was that one of those things where he just goes oh you want to get that house up at the ski resort let's I'll do it I don't understand I mean I I guess I guess look he's involved in a lot of charitable Venture so who am I to judge and guess what he does with his money he might do something really amazing with it there there's a banking commercial and uh I forget what the bank is it's one of those like trading uh things and the commercial and I hear the voice and I'm good with voices I go that's Matt Damon and he's doing a banking commercial and he's doing a voice why does Matt Damon have to do [ __ ] voiceovers he's got enough money so I Google it look it up apparently he donated all the money to charity and so uh because every and I read There was the hypocrisy of Matt Damon here he is a guy who who he was the voiceover in Inside Job the the movie about the banks and he's always you know he's very liberal and he's been very critical of the banks and here he is doing a [ __ ] commercial for the banks so I guess it was one of these things where he just said you know what uh I'll do it we're going to take all that money and I'd like to see the charity gave it to I hope it's something like like a Lobby
against the banks yeah that would be a smart thing to do use their money against them but it's still it's still weird you know I would have I would have sex with Brad Pit for $7 million I think it would cost more than that yeah I don't think Brad would have it with you I really don't think Brad would be like and what do I get out of this well what if he you just was into it it's like a fetish thing for him could be har guy there's so I'm sure there's a lot of people that are like willing to do that yeah 7on milon bucks hey I'm not putting the offer up there right now think about what your friend did for 25 Grand and some coke yeah you know 25 Grand and some coke and who knows who she let [ __ ] her ass yeah you know probably a lot of craziness going on a lot of spitting in people's mouths well I've talked about you you know your webcams you you led me onto that uh uh what's it called my cams.com my free cams those girls that go on there can say what countries they want to be shown in right so basically a girl can just check off she doesn't want to be seeing the United States Canada austral any English speaking place where she might possibly know someone but let the rest of the world just jerk off to her never ever going to see one of those people ever again and it's like I think there's so many girls on there that we don't know about like girls you know cuz I never see my guy friends that don't have money always have to pick up like second and third jobs my girlfriends that don't have money it's just life's easy and it's all they all say they're just responsible what ever I'm like what where are you getting money and I'm convinced they're all in my free cams and like Latvia and Estonia probably they're all [ __ ] stacking up Bitcoins like a [ __ ] Bitcoins tokens yeah stacking up damn Bitcoin son you think that Bitcoin thing's goingon to work I would like it to work so would I I think it'd be interesting I think it'd be interesting if there was an alternative currency that a bunch of people agreed to that was stable you know if you could if you could find a way to circumvent the financial system that would be a way to defeat it to Def find one that we all agreed on that everybody got together and said you know what [ __ ] all this craziness all right let's let's put our
resources into this other thing the problem is that's when you find out how corrupt a system really is because they would never let you establish an alternative set of currencies right I think you'd end up dead most likely they would discourage it heartily yeah you know I mean the amount of money that would be lost if there was a valid alternative to the dollar or the ruble or the whatever ever the [ __ ] you're using if there was some Nationwide or Global Currency that we all agreed to that was like established and was like really really strong that would [ __ ] everything man all this Global power grab would be in the toilet and the third world countries would know like when everybody has the same value on their dollar yeah when the dollar is the same value which I I've looked into this and thought about it and and it's really confusing but and I don't know enough about currencies and and what would happen like would the value of because you can trade internationally then and there's no one able to monitor it and there's no embargos on there wouldn't it wouldn't be able to be taxed because know it's it's it's interesting it's very it would eventually have to get taxed somehow yeah you would have to pay for things you know it's really becomes a matter of government over bureaucracy you can use it now the real problem is bureaucracy it to a point where you start creating jobs that aren't necessary and then you say oh we created x amount of jobs this quarter like that's like a people love to do [ __ ] like that and sometimes those jobs are really good and sometimes those jobs are government jobs and when government jobs get established it's very rarely they get removed you know what I mean like they might slash things if there's funding but if there's money they would like to like keep jobs going and create new jobs in government and create new laws that new jobs are in place like that's one of the big arguments to not make making pot legal because you would lose like a lot of people that are in the business of locking people up for pot and arresting pot dealers and then all of a sudden the pharmaceutical company's going to lose money what are they going to let people go as well like how does that work it's kind of it's a weird financial situation where the the
uh the the resources and the impact of you the control of the resources shifts and that's so that's like a financial decision and that's one of the real problems with making anything that's that popular legal while it's illegal it's like like financially it creates a real issue well I also saw that a lot of the reason the pot hasn't become legal yet is because the regulation isn't in place yet they haven't been able to create the bureaucracy around it right and a lot of times they've done things like if you look around the world lack of Regulation has created [ __ ] like you look at what happened in the Soviet Union when when it dismantled and they sold off the gas companies the electric companies and the Russian mafia just became like billionaires overnight like people were able to buy the electric company or buy you know well I think there was a lot more to the collapse of the Soviet Union well no no but what I'm saying is they had two different currencies in in in in Russia at that time or the Soviet Union they had two different ones two different currencies and and they were using one to buy up the other one like people were smart enough to say let's buy all this currency I read this book called Rogue economics about what happens with lack of Regulation and they were then when I read about pot being legal it was like if it gets legalized what happens the corporations might be able to come in and push out all the Growers push out all the you know the the the pharmac or the what what they call it get legal if it does get legal how would they be able to do that that doesn't make any sense once the Growers are already established because let's say let's say The Growers are established but let's say uh big corporations come in and get involved like like the tobacco corporations what if they with all their money buy up all the pot you know the pot Fields everything like there is no way of actually like it it would be like opening the floodgates right away and it's like what's going to happen well I don't understand what you're saying I mean why would that stop the people who are already growing from when we had that proposition to vote to make pot legal I was trying to read about it and
I'm not even a big pot smoker but I was like come on we got to [ __ ] legalize this [ __ ] this is ridiculous and so I like how you did that with like a like acted it out well a referendum vote was like let's let's let's vote to make it legal and then I started reading in a lot of uh the like local Venice newspapers and stuff and they were saying that a lot of the people in Humble and mesino County and all that that that were Growers and stuff were against it because they were worried that they would get pushed out I'll tell you that's not true the reason why they're against it is because you can make a lot more money when it's illegal that's why they're against it okay that's you got their argument a little a little wrong and not only that a lot of L of those people were also against medical they like to keep it illegal because when it's illegal it's worth a lot more money and it's harder to find people to sell it it's harder to find people that are you could you could buy it from and so they can control the market well but in that situation pot is legal there's going to be more money spent on marijuana if it is legal it's just going to make more competition for them that's all it is the reason why the Growers don't want it is because a bunch of other people are going to start growing and then the prices are going to go down but who who would ultimately make the money on marijuana wouldn't it be corporations real issue the real issue that's un undiscussed is something like Monsanto coming along and owning strains of marijuana and eliminating the other strains that is a distinct possibility if you see what they've done who the [ __ ] would have ever thought they'd be able to do what they've done with corn who the [ __ ] would have able to believe that they would be willing to that politicians would be willing to accept I don't know what the [ __ ] they're getting paid I don't know how the [ __ ] they're passing these laws like the Monsanto protection act all these different laws that allow genetically modified foods be in your supermarkets without labels because it's not clearly established whether or not they're 100% safe I know some of them are safe if you if you ever question that and how that happens read the book uh Lawrence Les's book uh called Republic lost and he
explains how all that government subsidies all of that [ __ ] happens and it's they they target it's the same way the defense Corporation yeah they but they target like a Lobby group or a special interest group or a pack will they it's not even that they have the resources to to just spend so much money what they do is they will it's almost like Mafia technique like they'll go to a congressman and say hey you're running against this guy you're anti-guns he's prouns we're going to give all our money to him and we're just gonna so it's just the threat it's not we're spending money against you it's the threat of we're going to spend money against you so the politicians then fold and say well they go with where the money is I mean that's really I think it's 97% of the time or something the candidate with the most money yeah I'm sure only makes sense I mean you have to have like a a wildly popular platform for you to be accepted and you don't have as much money and to be or you have to compete against a real jackass it's it's a it's a bot system you know and something like Bitcoin or some alternative currency I know a lot of people poo poo it maybe bitcoin's not the one but who the [ __ ] saw Bitcoin coming I I never heard anything about it until like a couple of years ago and now all a sudden you know you're hearing about it in like legitimate news sources and you're like whoa what's going on here and then coincidentally it crashes through the [ __ ] floor and the value drops and there's all sorts of [ __ ] involved with it so I did that happen the value dropped I didn't know that yeah Bitcoin went through some but you know it's also people probably trying to profit or trying to capitalize on a a system that's not completely secure I don't know I don't understand finances that much I'm too add for that [ __ ] yeah I I got the app and and just wanted to play with it and see what was going on yeah I just wanted to see what was going on I get every app I I I have you done Uber yet oh sure yeah I use it all the time it's amazing [ __ ] awesome did you see the guy who uh he's selling a house in Canada with uh Bitcoin really yeah he wanted to acquire a lot of Bitcoins and he had a piece of property that he wasn't using it was like a house on a lake or on a river like a rural
like vacation house it's like 300 Grand or something like that he's selling it on bitcoin he wants 300,000 Bitcoins or whatever the [ __ ] equivalent is well if you look at I mean it's been going on on like games like I don't play but like World of Warcraft and that stuff those people they had a whole South par episode about it about like uh where they have the little kids working playing the video game so they can acquire these coins or whatever it was whatever the the value on the game because that happens in video games all the time where people try to acquire these what's legit service like people will pay people in foreign countries like third world company countries will will play games all night with your character like you give them your character for a few months and you come back and your character is like a master wizard cuz these are like [ __ ] total super nerd games it's not like you're playing checkers or chess or or even you know I used to do that with my friends on Madden when they would leave when we all live together down at the beach they would leave I would play as their team and just hurt their players that's so Sil that's funny yeah that's funny but the there's one of the saddest shows that I ever watched was a documentary on this family that was addicted to World of Warcraft one of those games it was World of Warcraft but it was a family so husband and wife and a kid and the wife would always get bummed out when she had to take care of the baby because the husband could play the game and she was like complaining she's got his [ __ ] newborn and she doesn't want it cuz she wants to get back to her character in the game and it was it was really depressing cuz like you imagine if you you're essentially being born into a house full of addicts they're addicts but it's not a heroin it's a World of Warcraft I mean they are addicted to this they're completely totally focused on that's why I hate when people go drugs and alcohol ruined their life it's like drugs and alcohol didn't they did those people would have found something like [ __ ] World of Warcraft it if it wasn't drugs or alcohol would have been something I I agree with you but I don't agree with you because I know people that literally whatever it is they got the bad gene they cannot drink they have
one drink and they're gone and they're sober and they need to be sober I know people that have a chemical issue yeah I know one of those I know a few and I I didn't think they existed until I was in my like late 20s and then I was like okay I think I am misreading this cuz I was like oh a bunch of weak [ __ ] like I had this dumb approach to people who couldn't quit drugs or alcohol but usually those people I've seen them be [ __ ] up with other things too sure yeah but those people they might have a psychological issue as well as this compulsive issue as well as like a chemical problem like there's accumulative things that can happen to you and for some people it's also like Al alcoholism is a weird thing where it starts off where they can handle it and then somewhere along the line their body just loses its ability to tolerate alcohol and if they keep drinking keep abusing their body it's one shot and their gonville I've seen people like that I don't think we totally understand you know like how another person is feeling when they take something you know and I think there are some people out there that can that can get hammered and they just fall apart right my friend my friend Laura she just takes one hit and she of marijuana and she her body like short circuits and like I we talked about it once where she just stood up and ran towards the bathtub and just flew like tripped over the bathtub and flew and like almost chipped every single one of her teeth out and she had no idea why she did that it was just like her body just reacted crazy a friend of mine from Fear Factor we were all in New York filming and it was all the crew and uh we passed a joint around and she took one hit and just blacked out and someone caught her someone had a catch her in the middle of the street in New York she like she almost fell she almost fell down and cracked her head off the concrete like she just went unconscious CL everybody else is just taking a pull off a joint and everybody else is fine but for whatever reason it hits her and her body that's that's why you know I've talked about it a million I've talked with you a million times about it my just it's I've had good experiences but I've had a couple that were just [ __ ] atrocious I the anxiety level and the paranoia and the
the [ __ ] you know like I thought I was going to jump out of an airplane once it ain't for everybody that's a fact there's a l nothing's for everybody some you you you're even drinking caffeine anymore right no cuz it was all because of that the anxiety that I was getting you're so [ __ ] Agro as it is look at you savage you're fighting with [ __ ] people you're on no you know what I that fight telling people you're an MMA fighter when that chick when that chick I want to justify that because when I got in the argument with her I never once said you're a [ __ ] you're a [ __ ] I never raised my voice all I did was say wow you're I said like I'm talking to you I went wow you're a you're a horrible person and just just the way she was acting to me it was like you shouldn't get away with this and that's how I was talking and I never once said uh she the next day they said oh you said she should be raped and you said you I said no I said I hope she gets hit by a car on the way home oh see you didn't just say she's a horrible person no but I I was com no she said some things to me that I said that then but what did she say to you yeah you know she was just you know what I don't give a [ __ ] about this story how about that yeah she was just being a [ __ ] thanks Joe well you know I mean you know what it is but I no I just I want to justify that uh I forget what I was talking about it's no big deal I know what you're saying you're not on Coke but caffeine is a little too much for your personality I'm not aggressive you're not aggressive but if someone's a douchy to person to you you don't walk away from it right you that's that's what a lot of a lot of times like what's that old expression um if you're in an argument with an idiot it's very difficult to tell who's who yeah you know I think that I probably [ __ ] up that in paraphrasing it but that is a situation where if you're in a situation where someone's aggressive to you and you're aggressive back to them and then someone walks in on it it looks like you're always in fights and you could be a guy that just defends yourself all the time but it looks like you're always in fights you know especially if there's YouTube clips of it where there smoke there's fire and uh you know yeah I mean I've always felt like um i' I've never
been one to start [ __ ] with people I don't like starting [ __ ] with people but I I also not really enjoy people like getting off on me and like saying shitty things to me just because they want they want to be [ __ ] so when you stand your ground or when you're aggro back or insulting back it becomes the same thing you just they started it but you're doing it you know you're you're both involved in it and it's really stupid but it takes a long time to realize that it's really stupid right right right and and what I did the first thing I did when these guys came after me was cops and then I had no cops and I was like all right I got to you know well those guys were working too so they weren't even [ __ ] up they were just on on that sweet sweet [ __ ] I think they were pretty [ __ ] up though you think so yeah I think they were while they wereing yeah yeah I think it was one of those oh okay well I bet they just in love with that girl man that's so common it's so common where you at one pretty girl just dominates like a business establishment that's the saddest thing when you go to visit a buddy at work and you realize that this is one hot chick that's sort of like putting her spray around the room and all these adults that your buddy works with are tripping over themselves trying to please this girl and wh knighting it at every turn and you know I think you're just out of line with the way you talk walk around women you know you know those [ __ ] you're like oh you son of a [ __ ] look what you're doing here you're throwing yourself on the sword sad sack of [ __ ] you well that's what I said when the guy when it finally calmed down I said to the guy he said you've got a girl in there crying right now and I said hold on I said I I I explained what happened to him and he kind of looked at me like oh this is a different story than what she told me always is a chick that wants to get you to fight someone for two yeah but who does that [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] EDF [ __ ] you couldn't get me to do that any girl yeah he said I'd be like well you're going to have to deal with this yourself yeah well there's a lot of guys out there can't get any [ __ ] it's hard it's confusing as [ __ ] if you're a dude out there okay and you're unattractive guy and you're working at a [ __ ]
kitchen in a bar you know you're flipping burgers no one wants to [ __ ] you all right that's just a fact and you know that no one wants to [ __ ] you and that [ __ ] gets depressing and you're you're willing to play the long game and befriend a lot of really CUNY chicks hoping that when they're 40 and it all falls apart for them they'll go with the guy who actually really loved them once they get over this looks thing or whatever and so there's a lot of poor saps out there that get sucked into which essentially a deal with a a a a drug dealer that never gives you the drugs it's like man I got that cocaine but dog I can't give you none like come on I love you I love you I love you I love you I just want a little bit of your cocaine dog I don't know I'm vulnerable you know I just feel like maybe you only want me for my cocaine and I would like us to just be friends you know can't you just understand that I have this cocaine and I I want to keep it you know but I heard you gave Billy cocaine you know I was very vulnerable I don't want to make that mistake again and now me and Billy don't talk and I don't want that to happen between us cuz we're good friends so I can't give you this cocaine so these poor [ __ ] junkies will follow her around for years are you doing another show over there no [ __ ] bug just attacked me so you're doing this for years years and you know you do drastic [ __ ] like try to fight people in parking lots you know it's it's [ __ ] up that sex is like such a priority requir the male body if prostitution was legal I think it would take such an edge off of we have a [ __ ] up attitude about prostitution like I don't want anybody I know to be a prostitute me neither and I don't want to I don't partake in it's not my thing but there's a lot of guys that I friends of mine that I'm like let me take you to a hooker what I was going to say is I also want any friend of mine to be a janitor to have clean toilets that job sucks too yeah you know I don't know which one's better you know I don't know if you're like really open-minded with sex and there's a screening process and the guys who come through are polite I really don't know which one is worse cleaning toilets or letting a guy put a condom on you on top of you I don't know I don't know I mean it's really a cultural
decision it's a personal decision but I think you should be able to make that decision yourself you know I wouldn't want anybody that I'm friends with deciding to be a coroner I really wouldn't I wouldn't want you to do that but if you want to do that I think it should be your choice I always wonder the mentality of that [ __ ] craziness man you're looking at Bonnies all day I was just talking to dude who was a funeral director he was the bartender at this comedy club and he uh he said yeah I used to be a funeral director up north in Boston and I was like w how how are you able to [ __ ] do that every day just G yeah well how about guys who get caught [ __ ] the corpses does that happen that often a buddy don't you know what ging is a buddy of mine a buddy of mine back in Boston they him and his brother walked in on this guy who had just gotten done [ __ ] one of the corpses he he's almost positive he's like there was a dead naked girl on the counter and this guy was huffing and puffing and sweating and he was back there with this dead naked girl and they they heard something funny and they knocked them they they were there because someone in their family had died and they had to you know go through the funeral arrangements and they he believes they just about stumbled upon a guy who had [ __ ] a dead female corpse he's almost positive Brian you've got to know this is like a really conservative dude probably some dark hole of the internet where you've seen these people oh yeah you could find them videos what do you mean there's videos yeah there's videos you guy [ __ ] dead dead bodies there's a video that a guy put online it was him and his boyfriend and he killed his boyfriend and then he like [ __ ] him and cut him up and put it all online and ate some of his body what did you just show gunging is an act that where you take a person that's been buried recently and you you get them from under the ground and you uh like put your lips around their vagina and you have somebody else like like jump up and down on their stomach wait a minute whereby the first person to ejaculate Miss places lips over the dead person's sexual parts while his fellow competitors jump on the stomach this is just made up okay that's made up that's totally made up that's so stupid ging
did you make that I have a feeling Brian did I go Tanaka told me about that you think that's real well I guess it is real if you decide it's real Yoshi Yoshi would know about it what is uh you know what's a Cleveland steamer you know what's a dirty Sanchez you know what it is so it's real once you invent it it's like a drink it's like a Bloody Mary we we tried to make one of those up on there and drink no on uh Urban Dictionary and it was uh it was already there was I don't know it was something like we were trying to make the the Amish butter churner or something and we were saying like you take a dildo and you you you come all over it and then [ __ ] the girl with the the [ __ ] of the dildo and then or you [ __ ] her in your ass while she's upside down like a butter churn or something and I swear to God we like put it on there something like very similar I'm sure it's probably every depraved sexual act ever it's probably been labeled there's t-shirts for sale there's a TM behind it I I used to I made a a move when I was in college and I used to call it the Don Pablo cuz it was a girl I [ __ ] at Don Pablo's where you would take the girl she would be on her stomach and you like lay down so you're kind of like butt to butt but you P You're dick in her like between your legs so you're like pushing it like that and then you fall down so you're on top of her and you're using her legs to L 5 seconds ago I don't know where you are but it hit the G-Spot like crazy and she would just that's all she wanted after she wanted the Don Pablo but then I tried it to somebody else and they're like [ __ ] that what the hell are you doing just get on top of me haven't since some girls don't want you practicing [ __ ] that you've already done before hey I've done this one a bunch of times try this lay down five they're like what wait what are you doing God damn it you silly [ __ ] Brian [ __ ] the same way he does podcast he just interrupts with some weird [ __ ] in the middle of it doesn't make any sense hold on hold on okay open your mouth put a toe in it no I thought it'd be funny this this girl uh that we know down in Australia said she she told my friend that she woke up one night she hooked up with this dude she wakes up he's standing over her jerking off and he's got his toe in her [ __ ] oh my God
how rude that guy's an [ __ ] he's out there walking around a bunch of cat [ __ ] on the floor and stuff he's stuffing it right up some chicks [ __ ] you should at very least have like some alcohol wipes and really do a good job of cleaning your toe off before you shove it in some chicks clam that's just rude that guy's a dick you you know what I've always what I've always wanted to try have you seen those pills that they sell like at CVS and they're for toy kids where they're like these little pills and you put them in a glass of water and they make this humongous like dinosaur or something I've always wanted to put in one of those girls vaginas and see what happens it's kind of like a Tamp it's called they die you ever heard of a thing called toxic shock syndrome freak them out girls find things up their [ __ ] when they find things that are stuffed in their [ __ ] and they they've been up there for a while like sometimes they can get really sick like girls like they girls have die stuck up their [ __ ] I mean like if you're going to Nerf their puss like you don't keep it in there for like like chunk of it in there I think it like would blow up really big like what the [ __ ] there's like a [ __ ] Muppet coming out of my vagina you need to practice this in a lab Before You Stick I just heard a story about a guy who was [ __ ] a girl and uh found like while he was [ __ ] going down on her something found a condom that was in her [ __ ] Oh my Jesus there was a girl that I was dating where she had uh her tampon like had broken off like in the middle and she pulled part of it out but part of it was like stuffed in her [ __ ] and I like put my finger in her and I'm like what the [ __ ] is and I pulled it out I you have a piece of Tampa on your [ __ ] she was so embarrassed she was so so embarrassed like she was like almost in tears and I was like it's just a mistake like I know you have tampon like I didn't understand it like being a guy you don't understand like how could that bother you like I I know that you have tampons you tell me when you're on your period I I don't understand why this would be an issue but to her it was like this huge like embarrassment I'm like I don't well the girl it's a girly thing right this girl I dated like we were drunk and I [ __ ]
one of those little baby micro tampons into her and she didn't know about it and then like a couple days later she was getting kind of sick and then something her [ __ ] just smelled it was like a ballute pond no I had to dig it out I had to dig it out oh Jes I guess you would have to yeah you know when you're like young and you're so horny it's like she's like I'm on my per we should I know and you rub it on the outside you wind sticking it in there little any little thing you can do and you can't fish that string out stuffed it in there like a [ __ ] musket it's like you packed around in there then you got to play gist I've been there before man you're like just rub it on the outside and you hear those words coming out of your mouth like am I really that [ __ ] that I just said that let me just rub it on the outside yeah we've all said that everyone said that I've done still say it every week let me just let me just put it in for a second if you if you like it it can stay right if you don't right we can take it out let's sleep with it inside just to see what it would feel like and then if you want to move that's fine the most disappointing thing is when a girl says okay and you're like oh she's just as [ __ ] stupid as I am you're supposed to be the the one who's sensible here are you're supposed to pull us out of this predicament it took me a long time to realize that if you just go when you're trying to hook up with a girl and you go fine I don't want to and you go to sleep all of a sudden they wake you up they're like come on let's [ __ ] really yeah I found that that oh you're ridiculous that means your game sucks no no no no no hear me out forever I was the one that all these girls like waiting for you to go to sleep no no no forever I was the guy I would try every I would keep them up for eight hours until they'd finally give in like listen why don't we do this and then we'll try this and then we you would ask them with words no I mean just you know while you're fooling your right so then I found out that if you just if you if you kind of do what they do and you kind of play hard to get they go why is this guy rejecting me and then all of a sudden they're like let's [ __ ] Ed E working some long game on these chicks
oh man how long did it take before you figured that out it took years here's my here's my advice to you my friend just [ __ ] girls who actually want to [ __ ] you and when they don't if they don't you like that's cool yeah let just agreeded not be friends we all went through puberty yeah we've all been there it's all good just you go over there I'll go over here we're cool well now I'm getting there some girls now I'm getting married I get one for the rest of my life that's beautiful there's some gals Who Would Like You Ed y about finding them found that one it's like finding your audience and comedy you don't want to do like Brian was talking about doing some shows this weekend a bunch of old people in the audience and you know that's that's uncomfortable feeling when it's not your audience it's awful it's terrible it's awful got to find your audience it is once those people who didn't live with the internet once they die off we're gonna have a different world you're lucky Joe you're one of the few comedians though that gets to purely perform for your audience um no there's quite a few now I think more now than I think ever before because of the internet um you don't think so no I think we all still have to like in Australia I perform for my audience people come to me they're in the crowd they're always they bought a ticket to see me and that feels good in Australia yeah in America I'm still doing gigs I'm at comedy clubs every once a while I've still had it I had it in the past two years two or three times where I've had the club Owners tell me hey I know you do this blah blah blah and I'm going uh I'm in the car and they're like what they're like and I'm like don't tell me how to do my ACT I'm on my way home and they're like what do you mean I've had three Club owners in the last two years tell me uh you're too edgy and you're too offensive on stage and you're gonna have to calm it down for the next show and I like they'll call me in my room and I'm like I'm in the car I'm in the taxi I'm on my way to the airport and they're like no what what I'm like [ __ ] you you don't tell me how to do my ACT we need to go on tour man that just happened to me this weekend 5 minutes before I went on stage and he's like I need you to do a clean set and I'm like I don't have anything leave at that
point cuz it ruin I've I've stayed and and they all end up apologizing and they try to keep you because they've got like one time it happened here in LA and I just sold out crowd you can't you can't tell a guy not to do his act if you don't like that act you cannot hire him again but there's no way you could tell him how to do his act that's so that's why I go [ __ ] off and I just leave yeah it's just you can say I don't think you're funny you can fire him you can ask for another comic to come in and replace him but if you're going to allow him to go on stage you're not a producer you have no say in what goes on you know that that guy it's his act if you don't want to hire him again because you don't like it that's all cool but you can't direct a [ __ ] I got I got it in the airport I'm in the airport on the way to a show and and the woman called me and said hey you got to go uh tonight listen I need you corporate clean and I said what she goes I need you corporate we have a bunch of you know uh Christmas parties's in and I said no no when I got booked I got booked to do my show and she said yeah but tonight's all Christmas parties and I said well that's not she goes well we're gonna have to dock your pay then and I went no no you're going to have to pay me what I was contracted to be paid we're going to have to dock your pay because you won't change your act for my tastes and I said [ __ ] you they treat you like you're a waitress that's what it is you got to wear my apron with my logo on it or you're fired but too many Comics say okay I go [ __ ] off and I leave and uh I think if more com did that they wouldn't do that to well they can't you know they need the money I mean I remember clearly days when I was told that I had to clean it up when I was coming up it happened all the time yeah but if you suck it up just once if every comic sucked it up once no club owner would ever do it yeah but they would because the guy could still find someone to replace you and they'd probably be cleaner you know Al that's that was one of the big things about being unoffensive when you first started out you get so much more work yeah because when you first start out you're you're opening for people the last thing someone wants to do is go on after some guy who breaks all these tabos
especially if you break the same taboos or if your act is clean you know if there's are two things CU one like the guy's already like doing the kindor material that like a headliner does like or this particular headline does and two if you're clean and you have to follow some guy I was talking about fishing tampons out of chicks and you know a lot of times they'll [ __ ] Headliners will blow gaskets and I've seen more more censorship from Headliners in comedy clubs and and including guys who are not big names they just happen to be the the guy last and it was just like you say like for Mo the most part when you go to a comedy club if you see a guy who's an unknown name he's not an unknown name just to you he's an unknown name period so when he's headlining these clubs people are coming to see the show because they've been comped like they get free tickets it's an off night or you know um the guy goes on the radio and drums up some business and they they have contests and they give away some tickets and then they make the money off the alcohol and that's that's a common thing and those guys I've seen those guys that those are like lowlevel dudes usually probably a little struggle a little bit every now and then anyway they'll change a guy's act if a guy's a middle act I've heard stories and I've had I've had a couple guys give me when I was coming up don't do this don't do not many but I've heard more stories about guys do I have never once said to anybody that opens for me don't do that or change I've never and and it always annoyed me when I heard guys did it it's gross it's disgust like unless the guy's stealing sure sure or if he's stepping on your [ __ ] and there are those are two instances that happen all the time and what I mean by stepping on your [ __ ] if folks who don't know stand up like say if Eddie if had a joke about going to Jamba Juice and it was like a signature bit about going to Jamba Juice I might if I want to [ __ ] with him if I was the middle act I might go on stage and just make up my own joke about Jamba Juice that I wasn't doing the night before but I'll do it in and and I'll it'll be clearly like like I just slapped it together but what I'm doing is trying to take the wind out of the sails of his Jamba Juice joke by already trampling on that subject it's a common thing that
Comics will do what I do get every once in a while I'll get mad about it is somebody deliberately blowing the light and offensively blowing it like like not just you know they're supposed to do 30 minutes and they end up doing 45 especially because you have two shows and you have to close I I I'll get mad about that yeah but it also has to be it's not 5 minutes over it's when they go 10 or 20 minutes over right I want to tear their face off like a chimpanzee does I I well that's rude and that's why people think you're on coke Jesus Christ look at this just say I don't act like I'm on coke you like uh someone is talking for an extra 5 minutes 20 I said 20 I said 20 like a monkey five minutes to get exaggerate bro the comedy is in the exaggeration so this this weekend I had to do a a 15minute at that was clean and so I would like replace words instead of like throwing C like throwing hot dog juice and I made it silly and goofy and I also did a lot of Just What I Call math jokes which is just like this happens this happens that's why that happened it's kind of you know like like dumb [ __ ] and it [ __ ] worked and I was like this is horrible this is the dumbest [ __ ] I've ever seen in my life and you guys are loving it this is stupid where were well that's silly because you should you should just enjoy it you know you shouldn't get upset your your issue right now Brian is we talked about this before the show is that he's he's like known in a lot lot of places but you don't do that many shows for people don't know you so people know you they know you're the silly [ __ ] and you're ridiculous and you're always buying boner pills so they want to hear this ridiculous [ __ ] out of you but for people who don't know you they're like why is this guy talking about coming on the ceiling like you know like what the [ __ ] are you saying you know what I mean it's like yeah that's that's a that's a tough combination and it's also you know you you know this very well that you can fall into when you're always performing for your crowd it gets easy oh yeah yeah you can get soft and you got to throw yourself into these situations where nobody knows you have you watched anybody like recently that like disappointed the [ __ ] out of you yeah and I can't say I can't say who either it h oh it was brutal me me and Diaz
left 15 minutes into this dude's set we're like get out of here it was the laziest thing I'd ever seen there's a lot of that [ __ ] going on man and I I almost wanted to as a friend tell him that you can't do this there's a lot of people like that though you know I've I've I I've always tried to do my very best to give a great show like I I want to do the best to give the best at whatever I got at that point and I'll have better shows and worse shows but I'm always trying my best always and when I see someone that's like just sending it in or phoning it in I'm like and and especially if they're doing it and they they doing it because they already have a devoted audience I'm like do you understand what an amazing position yeah how lucky you are and you're cheating them like did you see you saw the Crazy Cat Williams [ __ ] where obviously there's an issue there I don't know what the [ __ ] it is but do you know how many people I mean me huge cat FS Cat Williams fan I would be so sad if I went to see him and that that went down you know when he yells at someone in the audience and then leaves and that's his whole set because I remember his [ __ ] specials where I thought the guy was brilliant I'm like so fun so fun to watch you know I I will never forget what it's like to be a fan I think it's the most important thing in order to to still keep your zest for comedy is to still remain a fan of it and also the struggle like I struggled for so long and and that it start you still struggling America it it started to happen for me really quickly and I'm glad it didn't because I would have been one of those [ __ ] probably that just phones it but what happened was I struggled for so long that now I value it so much more yeah but you're a hard worker anyway I mean you're into CrossFit you're always exercising you're always you you put forth a lot of energy you're not like a lazy guy who doesn't get [ __ ] done you just [ __ ] up and you got famous in Australia started doing coach yeah probably well I Colin Quinn said to me one time I was I was taking a cab from like the seller Uptown to the comic script or something and I shared a cab with Colin and it was after Saturday live and he had done all this stuff and I went Colin what are you doing you know like we're all young kids flying around
to the clubs and Colin was like a generation like couple Generations older I'm like what are you doing with us why are you doing this and he's like he's like CU every time I see one of you little [ __ ] on stage doing a good joke I I think I got I got to write one better I have to and interesting it's I think it's compulsive Among Us when I see a comic killing it I'm like I got to go home and write jokes you know what else makes me want to write jokes when I see someone eating it when I see someone bombing I listened to uh com Central radio today on uh Sirius XM you know Sirus XM has a bunch of different channels and uh my main car for a long time I have not had satellite radio and I just been listening to podcast but I was in uh a truck today and so as I'm driving around I'm listening to all this standup and it was Terri terrible after terrible after terrible after terrible I couldn't wait to go home and write I'm like this is just if I ever had a there was a closing bit that a guy did and after the bit ended you know I was like thank you good night I was like you got to be [ __ ] cute oh like that was your Clos this is the laziest piece of [ __ ] I've ever heard in my life there's like zero thought people that don't know you you try to put your best like your strongest bit last and uh so that when you hear thank you good night you're like that shouldn't that should have been his second joke a hunk of [ __ ] it was such a hunk of [ __ ] bit but I went to I I went in there one day to SiriusXM to to host some show and I said who's in charge here and they of programming the the the comedy and they were really cool about it I sat down with them and I went through all my bits that they play and I said don't play that one anymore don't play that one don't play that one don't play that one like I took out like [ __ ] that I'm I want retired forever that I am not proud of anymore you know as I and that's why I constantly send them new [ __ ] too I'm like play this stuff this is the stuff I'm proud of get it's always funny too when you listen to stuff that you think sucks and obviously somebody liked it there's people that were laughing and were playing it when I just thought it sucked when then all of a sudden boom someone comes on who's actually funny you know like they they played uh Brian pain special and all a
sudden I'm laughing you know like out of nowhere like oh this is actual comedy but before that I was just listening to nonsense it was like somebody who just like structur a sentence and said in certain way and I'm supposed to think it's hilarious I'm such a fan of Comedy that I like when I'm listening to that stuff and there's a comic I don't like and all of a sudden they get I get them and I start liking them like like a comic that I would see in the club and I'm like I didn't like that and it might have been five years ago and all of a sudden I hear something new and I'm like oh they've gotten funny yeah and I like to see like people are like if they've actually gotten funny not you're telling me you're getting hypnotized and you get no like would they actually have be I've seen guys that weren't funny become so funny oh yeah and it's one of the great like I that is a beautiful thing I love that and people think oh comics are so competitive and they all hate and they want to see no I want to see everybody I would love to walk in a comedy club and have every comedian [ __ ] make me laugh you buying this I I do because I I felt the same way this guy though I mean I well I don't know he does c i I mean I I felt the same way there's like Brody Stevens is a perfect example where when I first met Brody I [ __ ] hated him I was scared of him and why do he always make you I always love Brody I don't get it I knew Brody before you I thought he was he made me laugh from day one when he was barking at the comedy sell yeah I knew him from from uh yelling or opening from The Man Show he was the audience warm-up guy and he was just like really hard like I remember he was just like like we were slaves like screaming at us I just remember he's just screaming at us like I think you were probably way too high and you [ __ ] freaked out well then I you know I S met him a couple months later at the comedy store with you and I got to see him and then it was like all right I see what he doing here [ __ ] now I love this is he used to bark outside the comedy Celler to get people he worked for them and his job was to get people in the seats you know come on two for one and he was so [ __ ] funny barking people and people comedy downstairs well that's where I think he's like at his best like he like
has a warm-up he's like the greatest warm-up ever he's really fun the way he does it and when you you know like when you see a guy like that just completely add living one of the best shows I've ever seen best set you ever see a you know you know when you see a a show and it's like uh it's a late show and there's many Comics have been up and it seems like the room's dead and then one guy comes in and just with magic just runs around the room Brody Stevens took his shirt off and started swinging it over his head while he was screaming for everybody to wake up the show's not over and there was like some music playing and he got on stage and he had drum drums the drumsticks and but it was the way he did it like it was all ad lied he just went with the flow of things and took the audience on a ride you know why if you talk to Brody he is he's truly in the moment yeah it's all about that show right there oh yeah it's not about uh well I already have all those good shows I've done or he's about what am I doing right now and he will he'll feel like [ __ ] after that show if he didn't do well so he's he's [ __ ] performing for his life he's like I gotta win this crowd I have to kill and there's something about that I mean that that makes him great but he loves it you know he loves he's still a fan of standup comedy that's that's those are the best guys the guys are the most fun are the guys who actually still appreciate it because it there's a weird thing that happens when somebody's been doing stand up for a long time and then all of a sudden they decide that oh I'm [ __ ] hate it I hate stand up I hate my crowd I hate this I hate that and they just don't want to do it anymore it's like man like I really think you need to rethink this like I've gone through phases where it's not that I hate well where I'll go I hate where I'm at right now and I what happens usually is I start bombing them for a while and it's I actually welcome like a bombing period like of like a month of bombing where a month not not not like bombs but like I I'm an extremist I'll say I killed or I bombed and it'll just be average and uh it but when I have a bad period I'm usually about to come into a whole bunch of new [ __ ] yeah out of desperation yeah I'm just angry about everything and the the act and and then I you know with
Australia I have to write a whole new hour every year have to have like cannot go there without a new hour and I freak out about it do you really like going there yeah I do enjoy it and but does but you're already famous there I wouldn't say famous I mean he said you get your crowd there yeah I got a crowd and I sell tickets you know but I'm not but you don't feel like you're there in America not not close no not even close you want to be right I would love to so why don't you like just put all your emphasis on that I probably should but it's you know I got bills and stuff and in Australia pays the bills I mean it does how long do you go over there for this year I only did about six weeks oh okay okay I thought you were like AR doesn't AR do like six months AR is there like almost half the year I was doing four months for a while you know that is pretty badass though if you can actually live in two different countries because Australia is [ __ ] cool as [ __ ] if you can get used to being over there and that becomes Just Like Home to you is it easy to get used to like compare I've never been there kind of absolutely they're like Americans it's cooler I me yeah they they won't like me saying this but it's like the 51st St like they're so in tune with everything we're doing that you just you would be so but they're more relaxed yeah way more relaxed they're more fun like they're more relaxed like the the men are more like men the women are more like women they're less hung up yes very Texas is very Texas is 20 million people in a place as big as America yeah it's ridiculous you know we've got 300 some million people they've got 20 million dude it's just a lot easier you would [ __ ] love it there you would love it there it's so nice there the shows are fun as hell to do there shows are amazing yeah and it's uh the the UFC's we've done there have been amazing I really love it there I've been there there's a few countries that I would think about living in besides America there's only two really Australia is one of them and Canada is another one because it would be the less like the least amount of altering my life you know do they drive on the right side of the road which side of the road they're the other those [ __ ] that's bad that's why you got to live in when you
had David Lee Roth on I listen to that episode when you were talking to David Lee Roth and he was talking about going to Japan yeah and I was like are you [ __ ] crazy he's so gangster like that's crazy he moves in an apartment in Japan like not regular people one of the biggest rock stars in the history of the universe has taking swords fighting lessons I'm so jealous dog I would do that I almost went to Japan last like you could do that Brian you know that could be your life someday you could easily be that guy saying you'd be David Le Roth I'm be clear on that but but what I mean is you could be the type of guy that just decides to look one day eventually it's going to be ridiculous that we're all sitting in a room together doing this we won't need to there'll be an emerging technology that's so [ __ ] complete that we'll all be Skyping this we won't need to have like a a studio where we show up and this is probs of us yeah this is probably totally old school so one day we're going to get to a point where there'll be some virtual place where we all meet to do a podcast and all we're doing is sitting in front of a [ __ ] laptop slapping a headgear on yeah or something or you know Oculus Rift or something like that I mean this this Ustream setup in iTunes is probably going to be archaic in the future I mean being on serious satellite radio it's going to be archaic in the future it's there's probably going to be some nobody saw this coming right so who the [ __ ] is going to see what's coming in 50 60 years or less and that's you buddy you're on Ma Maui chilling [ __ ] drinking a My Thai taking a month off of life living there still doing podcasts yeah possible it's totally possible I I don't plan on being in La very long and I'm I've been trying to figure out what's possible as far as like where could I live where I could still I'd go to Australia we were having issues with I mean my parents are getting old and I want to be near my parents they're on the East Coast but I'm still a 5 hour flight away whereas Australia I'm 20 hours away right um my fiance her parents are East Coast I met her over there she's an American but I met her there I would probably pick up and leave if we didn't have the you know the families here uh because I like it that
much over there and uh also the dogs taking my dogs over there you got to quarantine them and it's right I mean I'd take them if if there was no quarantine and I flew private or something I'd [ __ ] okay so no family and you would just no dogs you just [ __ ] live there y why not right you love surfing you there surfing surf every day I'm there there's a lot of sharks there isn't there West Coast West Coast they had five deaths last year that's how many are in the world every year no they had it in one year that is bad ass there's talk it could be a Jaws like it's the same shark oh Jesus Christ and the same and they haven't caught it yet no it was just it was a weird [ __ ] year and I was there this year I went to Perth and I looked into going surfing and I was going to go down the Margaret River and uh I just went I talked to one dude who used to Surf there all the time he goes he goes I think about sharks like one out of every 20 times I'm surfing he goes every day I think about them every day though it's just it's been ingrained in us even though it's such an unlikely incident it's in my head couple years ago a guy died in Santa Barbara that's that's like right there he was north of Santa Barbara he was in like near halama beach okay you it was surf beach and is a good beach I've surfed it but uh the crazy thing about it two years before that same day a shark killed a guy same day same day two years earlier you know when the one scares me the most the one in San Diego where the swimming yeah 100 yard out they were pretty far out like a triathlete yeah they were uh yeah they were they were training and all R though other people are all with them they're all a line together they're all training together and you see this one guy just get cut in half but a giant moner was he wearing like a brighter swimsuit or anything different got lucky and this [ __ ] thing is like a 16 foot great white it's a big shark and it cuts him right in half you have a better chance of getting killed by like a cow trampling on you st stop your nonsense that's not true because I'm nowhere near [ __ ] cows okay if you're out there in the ocean you're in shark ter about dogs dogs way more people hate that nonsense scenario there's a better chance of you
getting hit by lightning than killed by a shark that's true but that's not true if you're going in the [ __ ] water cuz most people aren't going in the [ __ ] water when people say that [ __ ] that's a dumb statistic there still Millions statistic does not work you know you have a zero% chance of dying in a plane crash if you don't get on a [ __ ] plane do you know that sure sure see that's a real statistic yeah not this nonsense of it's more likely that you get hit by lightting there's a better chance apparently more people die from vending machines falling on them 0% of sharks occur outside of the water no sharks not if you talk to Australians you'll think they [ __ ] fly out of the water well they can they can fly out the water speaking of which I saw a uh the other day in in I was in Marco Island Florida I saw a stingray fly out of the water like like five feet out of the water and then back in and that's how that woman died on the boat in in uh Key West or something she was on boat and a stingray just came out and [ __ ] clocked her and she hit the boat and died yeah that's right like I think it was a head injury yeah my God could you imagine if you were there and you saw that happen when I saw this thing come out of the water I was like what the [ __ ] have you seen those [ __ ] fish that fly out of the water when you're driving by in a boat are they s they're an invasive an invasive species invasive species they're a species I think they're called I think it's let me let me Google flying fish fish snake heads or something like that I think it's a snake headit I might be confusing my fish but what these these [ __ ] things do is they fly out of the water and the these people are driving boats and they're like literally launching themselves out you can you hit them with tennis rackets it's crazy there I'm gonna I'm gonna see if I can find the uh the very uh find it well you're looking for that I know a guy that's been attacked by a shark twice oh my God what is he [ __ ] yeah he's that does he hate himself you can Google him uh Ben vening he was uh he was in uh uh a friends of mine hooked me up with him they're like hey this dude will take you surfing tomorrow we were out in a bar and I was like oh cool where are we going to surf he goes we'll surf tallos
beach which is on one side of Byron Bay and I have stood up at the Lighthouse and looked down at TS and if you look down you can see dolphins sharks whales all kinds of [ __ ] in the water I go I'm not [ __ ] surfing there and he goes ah it's cool man it's really I surf it all the time and I go no way man too much sea life there I'm not going in and he goes he goes I he goes I've been attacked he starts telling me the story I go I saw you on the news I saw you on the news you're the guy he goes yeah and I go fine I'm going with you what are the chances of the most unlikely incident happened to the same you know like so and he goes well I've I've been attacked twice and I go [ __ ] off and he told me another time he was out there and a bunch of makos were frolicking and he'd see them now if I saw that I'm out of the water what's wrong with him and uh he said uh one of them Broke Free came at him and he just like started like punching at it and like pushing it away and it and it left him alone but but the the the other shark I think it was a white pointer uh bit his board and you could see the teeth marks you can Google and look at the picture is it because they're like internal hemorrhoids or something like that you think what that they came after him cuz the blood thing I cut my foot the other day in Australia pretty bad and I didn't realize it was bad because you know when you're in water constantly the Bloods Google flying silver carp that's the fish flying silver carp are the ones that fly out of the [ __ ] water when you you drive your boat yeah apparently it's a little bit of blood that has to be in the water that's it yeah it's probably internal hemorrhoid he might be getting turned out every night that's why he kept on please will you just [ __ ] think about what you're saying before you say well if it's there a little blood in your butt yeah apparently it's just a little bit of blood that can that's all it takes girls on their period like probably should never go in the water if they're sharks yeah no they say that they say that yeah yeah absolutely I just don't get it I mean I I would imagine it would be really fun but I just can't I can't believe it'd be fun enough to risk there used to be a rumor that uh if you piss in your wet suit
which everyone does that the the urine gives off the same kind of scent that the blood does that attracts the Sharks because there was a guy in South Africa you need to see this video he's riding the wave he's up cruising down the wave up and down on the face of the wave and two sharks Converge on him and grab him by the arm and they they Ram into each other and that's why they let go of them but uh see these guys getting nailed by these [ __ ] fish they fly through the air and they're all bloody too what the [ __ ] well they land and they get [ __ ] shattered I like how the guys just look at these [ __ ] things they just fly through the air man they're all over the place what are they called Silver flying silver carp and they're an invasive species see that like as these guys are look at that they're just flying all over the place frog I mean they literally launch themselves in the air and sometimes when you go through like a whole school of them and there's like an infestation like it really can be dangerous people getting hit in the head and [ __ ] and these things are an invasive species like they've taken off they're not supposed to be there I don't think and I think if I remember correctly they somebody introduced them to these areas and now they're just [ __ ] taking off like crazy how funing fish out howun do like shroom or get really baked and just go go down here and get attack how funny it would be if you died that way that was on mushrooms and a fish lodged in his mouth I think I'd rather choked to death I think I'd rather die from uh a shark attack than one of these things [ __ ] things what a crazy ass F piranhas would be bad piranhas would be awful what is wrong with these [ __ ] fish man that's so weird did you ever watch them noodle the catfish yes yeah I love those shows this I was in my [ __ ] hotel room I forget where it was and I was Bor out of my mind so I watched an entire episode of this show where they like stick their hands in holes and get catfish if you don't know what bloody too yeah if you don't know what noodling is it's the weirdest [ __ ] thing ever they go through the mouth and out the Gill it's disgusting and then pick them up I mean they're like like hundreds of pounds you know this [ __ ] silver carp can get to be 100 pounds that'll knock you the [ __ ]
out they get to be 110 lb and they fly through the [ __ ] air they were imported from China in the 1970s for use in aqu aquaculture ponds to control Plankton by the early 1980s both species had escaped into open Waters in the southern states wow this is a fish called a big head and the other one called a silver carp here's a dude noodling this is [ __ ] nuts man no established populations are known the carp have been caught by commercial fishermen over the last few years apparently people started eating them is that what an invasive species is when they bring it in yeah they bring a fish was that noodling these guys are so crazy because sometimes they get Turtles they reach in there and a snapping turtles in there and they get their [ __ ] hand bitten off like guys have gotten [ __ ] up doing this Jesus it's like it's like Rodeo caps well some guys really get dragged underw really yeah they get [ __ ] up man cuz you got to get a good grip on these [ __ ] so really it's it's such a primal way that looks fake that looks completely fake is it fake I don't know it looks fake but um some of I mean look if you if you grab a hold of a oh my God CPR can't you phun it release it what is that catch a funnel head and release it wow he's letting it go oo that's a weird what's wrong with the thing's mouth in where my parents live in Pittsburgh what is that what a be man what a beauty it's hard to tell in that picture what's really going on what a beauty all right wow he's going to let that thing I think that's real it's hard to tell if that's real yes I'm sure there's some that are online that are real but grab your arm and put it in the mouth of a 100 PB animal hang and it's in its environment not going to [ __ ] I don't think people understand how strong a [ __ ] 100 PB cat fish is either I mean you ever like catch what the biggest fish You' ever 12 in and it was like oh my God look at the size of these Cat 200 that's what these are y why are they so confident they can hold on to these things those things are still alive but it's how weird is it that they can hold on to these things they're
still alive they're in the water why don't they just freak out and get free like they're holding if you don't watch the show if you're just listening these two it seems like Russian right speaking Russian Spanish is it is that Spanish yeah that sounds like almost Italian yeah it sounds like Italian sounds Italian these [ __ ] catfish these guys whatever it is these catfish these guys are holding are [ __ ] boats they're boats yeah that's a 7 foot long that's the size of a dolphin yeah yeah that's EXA exactly it's like a dolphin size M it's insane when they catch those things man those things feed a whole [ __ ] Village how they're going to let it go look at that good for you they're like I know where you live I let you go one day I call upon you I'm turn you into staks there's a uh the largest catfish ever caught there's a photo of this uh this I think it was like Thailand or something like that they they caught this insanely large cat fish I mean and it shows like this whole like Village like participating and cooking and eating this catfish but it's it's a whale I mean the largest cat P Google that largest catfish I don't know I don't know I don't remember I don't want even say because we can find it soon catfish ever caught I think it's something enormous like over a thousand pounds what here's a 220 lb [ __ ] catfish being caught I let's see the nine largest fish ever caught apparently catfish is in that mix which is insane I think the largest fish ever caught is a shark if if I'm correct I think like a moo shark is like one of the largest fish ever really yeah blue catfish is number nine okay ready for this world record Blue Fish oh it's not nearly as big as I thought it's 130 lbs okay that's not the biggest cat no CU that one was the one we're just watching is 220 okay tiger fish this is how big the biggest ones get tiger fish 100 pounds alligator gar 230 pounds Jesus Christ I'm pretty sure those get bigger than that too large Mar bass sharks they get thousand of meong giant grizzly bear catfish the
adult 9 foot long 646 lb oh my God mck Kong giant catfish K giant catfish that's apparently the biggest fresh water is this with Rod and Reel pretty sure not sure but the biggest fish ever caught is a is a tuna and the biggest fish ever caught is 1,496 PBS oh that would get that' make you some money it's enormous this guy's standing in front of hisu [ __ ] thing and it's bigger it's way bigger than him that's some serious cash yeah that's a crazy fish too Tunas are just all muscle they're super gangster you know they're just flying around in giant schools jacking other fish so if you can catch one that's a thousand [ __ ] pound that's a lot of money imagine a 100,000,000 Pounders under under the ocean just [ __ ] everything up in front of them and some [ __ ] comes along with a fake fish and just ganks them GS them out I went down in the cage in South Africa with the great whites oh you silly [ __ ] and uh when you see these things coming at you monsters oh my monsters why did you do that were you totally completely convinced that they were going to be able to keep the things away from you uh yeah well they put you in the cage and the top of the cage is open to the boat so you can like climb out of the cage and into the boat so it's almost like you're in a steel cage aquarium and uh but you got to put on a wet suit and snorkel and everything and they they either run an oxygen you know like a thing down to you or you wear like a snorkel and you go up and down like hold your breath go down and watch for a while but you wait for four hours for the Sharks to show up they they put fish oil in the water because it's illegal to put Chum in the water they can't do that well weren't there like there was a show that they were filming in South Africa I believe yeah we were there we were down at uh I forget what the area we were in I think hermanis and there's a place like Seal Island or something they blame these people for for a death because they were chumming to get the Sharks to catch sharks on their shell so they so they made that illegal but they still put fish oil in the water that the same thing and they I I think so pretty much and uh they put fish oil in the water look at that [ __ ] catfish holy
[ __ ] oh my God it's a size size of a dolphin there's pictures of them that's the tuna that's the biggest fish ever caught apparently but these great whites they were the big [ __ ] they were as big as you can imagine how big do you think the biggest great white is how about what's the biggest great white ever caught because it seems like a great white would be heavier than a tuna probably like 20 foot does that make sense let's let's like biggest great we ever caught I mean I was looking at ones that were at least 12 at least 12 feet long yeah how much is a 12T long [ __ ] shark way Jesus Christ at least 12 these were terrifying Jesus that's what are those lamp Okay this is ridiculous because it's saying that sharks were caught that were over 3,000 pounds yeah that's what I was thinking yeah this is this is uh we're we're apparently looking at a wack it might be rod and real well you read things on the internet that's the problem wow what are these lampies These are crazy they have killed a 21 foot yeah that's one of those things that clings on sharks they've killed a 21 foot 8 in great white shark that's like one of the biggest 21 foot kill was that off mon New York I'm not sure here this is uh actually even almost as big as the one in the movie Jaws which was uh caught by Vic his Hislop in 1985 it was the biggest great white shark ever caught so in 1985 they caught the uh the biggest great white shark ever huh wow suggestive of even bigger sharks they also claimed have caught a bigger one than the one pictured but he couldn't land it so he he hooked a bigger one than the 21t one I believe I don't like that well I was reading about it recently apparently there's great whites are the ones that do all the killing off like the coast of California they go over to Australia Hawaii they theyve found them every there South Africa but there's one out in the middle of the ocean called the oceanic shark check this out these are ones that hang out in the middle of the ocean and they're like bigger than great whites oh Jesus and they don't come to the coastal regions well what the [ __ ] are they they're just a big [ __ ] [ __ ]
Oceanic sh they're the ones like when guys were getting shot down in World War II and their planes were like out in the middle of they're responsible for a lot of deaths because they'll clean up like a a [ __ ] whole shipwreck you know they're the they're the ones that uh like the the great on whites are the ones that are right here right off of [ __ ] La they're yeah they've they've caught whale sharks before but whale sharks aren't the same thing look up the O look up the oceanic shark Oceanic uh I forget what it's like an oceanic white or something it's called the largest great white shark was caught off Philip Island and it weighed amazing just surfed there 5,085 pounds I surfed there a month ago Cape will dude oh my God it was 20t 8 in long and it weighed 5,085 lbs look at that [ __ ] monster you look at the size of that goddamn thing how scary is that [ __ ] so Oceanic shark that's what I'm looking yeah yeah Philip Island I just surfed there and they told me when we were going they said this is known it's a very Sharky area and I said why they said there's a lot of Seal Seal breeding and I went oh [ __ ] the oceanic white tip Shar yeah yeah yeah oh creepy nature you're so creepy why'd you create this wait till you go to Alaska go see a musk ox what is that look it up when I saw it I'm just getting into sharks I didn't know that I didn't know that they existed we're driving down the road one day in Alaska and I look over and I see this thing and I go what the [ __ ] is that and he goes oh that's a you know like a a research lab because I was in Fairbanks where the university is I go no no what's that animal he goes That's a muskox and I go no you guys just made that up that doesn't exist in my world you made that up and it looks like we got an issue here fella what cuz this thing is saying you might have the wrong name shark the oceanic white tip yeah because this is saying the largest one ever caught was only 4 MERS which I think I think they're responsible for a lot of deaths then that's what it was that I read that they they stay out in the middle of the ocean what the [ __ ] that's a totally different thing you sound [ __ ] Fu isn't there a bigger shark come on don't want you to be completely wrong here that's just sad
told me about some awesome giant shark out there it turn no no cuz I reading about cuz which sharks somebody goes oh I saw a hammerhead and I go they don't even kill and uh okay let's look up largest killer sharks so I was looking up which types are the most aggressive because you always hear different stories are bull sharks bull sharks are nasty tigers makos do you know that bull sharks that the big thing that happened in New Jersey that inspired the rivers yeah they go up the rivers they go up the rivers into fresh water man they found one as high North as Illinois that show Monster hun do you remember that or Monster Quest did you ever see that show yeah and in that show there's a couple things that they un unraveled on that show was pretty cool um one of them was uh bull sharks because it was like a myth that sharks had gone up River into fresh water like deep deep into the country but apparently bull sharks can survive in fresh water they don't prefer it but they can survive it they uh they're nasty too apparently Bulls they're the ones that'll attack you not not for food like they're yeah they're evil man they're evil they're really really aggressive sharks um what else is really tiger sharks those are tigers oh there's a video that was on the internet uh somebody sent me of a bunch of Tigers uh it's in broom Australia where a whale beached like up it's like in a foot of water a foot of water and these makos are all just eating the [ __ ] out of it and they're flopping around in like a foot of water and you're like wow they'll go into a foot of water and these girls are all like taking pictures and stuff and they're getting too close that these sharks but they're just feeding on this whale just like eating the sides off of it yeah I uh I've seen [ __ ] like that you know the creepiest thing I've ever seen animals feeding is a pile of kodo dragons have you ever seen that no dude go Brian Google kodo dragons uh Feeding Frenzy cuz they it's it's like it's like walking dead have you ever seen Walking Dead the movie at the TV show yeah yeah you know how the zombies they'll collapse on a body and it's just all of them like just in a mass trying to rip this body apart and pulling chunks out kimoto dragons look at this is uh just
one image this is just a few of them this is a small group this is only three I've seen i' rather die by shark attack I've seen IM yeah the kimoto dragons that's a bad way to go but Koto dragons there's images online if you look in Google did you ever see the images online shitload of them I don't know if this is fake and I know a lot of people have probably seen it please don't send it to me again CU I actually deleted it and I rarely like don't look at things but it was uh it was a like a bunch of drug dealers took a guy like out into the middle of fields these kimono dragons all stacked on top of them there's there an even better one than that there if you look a little further down on that Google image sh search there's there's one a little further down this just ridiculous I would not want to die like that oh they're ruthless man well these these like drug dealers took a guy out into the middle of this field I don't know what they did to him I think they I don't know if they behead him first but then these vultures come and just pick away at his body and it's a series of photos showing you the beginning to the end and it's just a skeleton have you ever seen one of those uh Sky funerals it's actually a religious thing it's no no no he's talking about a different thing he's talking about people there's there's two ones you're what you're talking about is Tibetan Sky funeral what he's talking about is them torturing and killing somebody and leaving their body to vultures but there's two different things what's the Tibetan Sky funeral people do it to people they love oh great they take their body when they die and they cut it up and they feed it to vultures and they actually film it they film it and take photographs of it and people request it they said look if I die I want you to feed me to the vultures because at least then you know your body goes it's used for something and they go hardcore with it they smash up the the the skull after the the uh vultures go through the body They smash up the skull so the vulture eats that too don't Google image search it it's gross Google image search it pull it up we'll end did you did you have Kenny Hots on your show from Kenny versus Spenny no no Comedy Central show that
used to be on the air where they'd compete against each other yeah no I had him on my show he's some [ __ ] Maniac he on one of his shows he does all these crazy shows he ate a human body what yes he had uh they grinded up teeth he ate teeth he ate skin uh he's a maniac he's hilarious guy why would he do that because he's crazy watch watch the watch some of the YouTube videos of Penny versus fenny he had this one that they always compete against each other and one was who can eat more meat and he was grinding up meat and making meat shakes this is theb and Sky funeral and there's worse where it just shows like a side view of a person's face this is just this guy they tie him down too so the vultures can't carry him off so they have to finish it right there tie him down the vultures go through them then they a vending machine fall on me they have a whole bunch of them come down too but no you're already dead in if I yeah well I still some people want to die that way they want to or they want to be dealt with they want their corpse to be dealt with that way might as well make a spectacle well the way we do it is really weird we poison the body so that nature can't consume it not near near as easily so it's like you could dig someone out of a hole that's been there for like a year like Taxidermy [ __ ] yeah well when you watch that show like those autopsy shows autopsy shows where they have to exume bodies a lot of times they're doing it and the person's a [ __ ] year plus in the hole and their body still there you know because you foral toide the [ __ ] out of it and well the the funeral too the open casket funeral I don't think there's anything creepier oh it's weird I don't know I don't know why anyone does it have you had anyone you know post oh [ __ ] yeah a ton I GRE up Catholic and they they do that and I'm like stop how many have you been to a lot yeah that's [ __ ] gross so gross but it's weird that it's the standard you know I'm pretty sure they make you un bomb someone even if you're going to cremate them really I think so I think they take I don't think they like go straight cremation right isn't that the case no I don't think so okay I think you're wrong I think uh I get creeped out pretty sure I'm pretty sure Joey Diaz has a friend that is actually an Undertaker they might drain the blood
but they probably don't replace it with a you know how they drain the blood they uh I think they have to for sanitary they put them on the table uh to drain the blood I don't know why I'm talking about this I hate this [ __ ] they because there's a story I got a friend of mine a job uh at a funeral home I knew a funeral director and I got this guy a job when we were in college and uh he's Jewish and he had never been to Jewish funerals they don't do that uh he went to the funeral home he was working there washing cars watching the hearse and the limos and everything one day the guys that he worked with the first day said hey go in that room and get some more sponges he goes in the room it's the embalming room and there's a body on the table and they cut them at like the wrists and the ankles I think and just let the wrists and like legs hang and so all the body all the blood drips and the floor is like a grad floor that just catches all the blood underneath you know there's drains underneath so he walks in the room and sees them just sees his body and just [ __ ] loses it and runs up quits the job doesn't even go to pick up his check for one day he was like [ __ ] that that's haunting here's the answer to that um there's no state law that says a body must be in bombed before cremation it's a bit more complicated some states require that a body be burned uh buried created inbombed or refrigerated within a certain amount of time so what happens though is that funeral homes will rip you off and that if you say that you want to uh get the body cremated if they get a hold of it before you know like you know you know what I mean it gets brought someone's body gets brought to a funeral home if that happens a lot of times they try to sell you on embalming the person before cremation they just tell you it has to be done but it doesn't have to be done and apparently apparently like that's like like there's a lot of money in taking care of dead bodies because people are forced to do something about it you can't just bury your friends you're not allowed to it's not legal you can't just like say you know hey you know uh Bobby died in a car accident do you mind if we take him and I want to put him in my backyard behind the tree you can't [ __ ] you can't bury your friend in your yard it has to
be in a funeral home or rather it has to be uh in a a mortuary whatever you know it's got to be a cemetery you got to be you know it's got to be taken care of in a certain way you can't just throw them in the hole you have to embal them before you throw them in the hole I think for the most part you know I think Costco sells uh caskets and so does Amazon I believe wow I'll I'll never understand that either the amount of money that's put into them too like you know the deluxe bottle you're putting it in the dirt in an hour I get it if you want to I mean how much do people spend on their weddings you know some people have these crazy million-dollar weddings look there's a there's a coffin it's like look it's a size of a boy oh God okay that's that is [ __ ] depressing please shut that off did you watch the Brazilian prank show where the the coffin is in the elevator no it's the same one where uh where the little witch comes out of the [ __ ] oh it's [ __ ] great show [ __ ] great the best prank ever really you're in they're in the elevator and uh the lights go off in the elevator they got a camera in there and then a girl don't tell me don't tell me I'll watch it I'll watch it it's awesome I I'll watch it online I'll watch it online but but watch the one with the casket what's it called again uh just look Brazilian ghost girl L elevator scary ghost girl Brazilian you been watch it for hours no yes watch it no no no no no no I don't want to watch it I I'm I'm past that [ __ ] you enjoy it have a good time uh that's it Eddie F anything to add to the the powerful in the world Twitter me at Eddie I can't get Twitter I can't get twitter followers I think it's spelling my name or that I don't Twitter what do you mean what's the matter I got like 16,000 how dare you I know it's ridiculous how dare you it's because you [ __ ] around over in Australia they don't use Twitter over there they don't do they not some people it's not as big it's not big in a lot of places too like I noticed a lot of people from Texas don't use T oh you're out of your mind Texas is flooded with Twitter Austin South by Southwest is a huge [ __ ] Twitter destination every person I know from Houston doesn't do it for some
reason really yeah I don't know I think a lot of folks like regular people they don't want to do it I mean for comedians so it's gigantic Facebook Twitter all right thanks to uh hover.com go to hover.com Rogan and get 10% off domain name registration ations thank you to on it.com that's o n niit t use the code name Rogan save 10% off any and all supplements my t-shirt company h- prime8.com for those asking we ordered new versions of all the shirts they're in but the Run JRE shirts are already out um so uh I ordered to fuckload more this next time so hopefully that won't happen again um Joe rogan.net the tour dates are all up there so if you're uh in Alaska or Vegas or Seattle or Boston I'm coming to see you Texas anytime soonas Milwaukee uh July 5th Vegas all right that's it we love the [ __ ] out of you people and uh we'll be back on Monday I gotta I got to do my TV show and talk to more crazy people Jihad [Music]