Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heIHNShzWrw
thanks Buddy Bye did we start again do we do did we do the ads again man listen folks I'm a [ __ ] without my little Tech friend my technologically enhanced friend yeah I don't know how the [ __ ] to do this I'm just winging this [ __ ] son it's the best just guessing and flipping cues you were able to fade the song out yeah I did a good job with that let me make sure that if I switch to this view that we people still hear it people still hear that [ __ ] people still hear it beautiful whoa that's me I'm a [ __ ] bro you just don't know the system I'm a [ __ ] person trust me I'm I got an argument with someone in the middle of argument they they go what's 7 time 40 and I'm like I don't [ __ ] know I'm I'm we're upset at each other I can't do math the [ __ ] you ask me to do math what kind of tricks is that you're trying to make me think I'm stupid what does have to do with it well it's like mission accomplished I don't know it's a lot of numbers I'm done with numbers dude I'm really dumb with numbers yeah yeah I have to really force myself because when I was a kid um I just had really bad times in math I thought it was so boring I had a terrible attitude about it I never had anybody who's like an enthusiastic math teacher and my teachers were not terrible terrible teachers they just were bored they just were uninspired you know they weren't really into like I remember one time there was a documentary on about Lake Eerie there was this one crazy science professor in our class science teacher I guess Mr Holman and he was always like late with the facts oh really yeah he's always like you know some [ __ ] that was true like a while ago he he he would not be like kept up to it so this this thing was he just kept saying yeah he kind of yeah it was about Lake eie he was like the world's not around it's oval he was insisting that Lake Eerie was a dying Lake and I said really yeah well you know a dead Lake because Lake Erie really has been dry up it know really badly polluted um oh no life in it yeah I think Lake eie um had to make a big comeback but they they cleaned it up and this was there was a whole documentary that was on PBS like really recently like the night before and me and another kid in the class were talking about the
documentary was like we just saw something on on PBS that said it's making this comeback to show all these fishermen and they show PBS yes exactly some guy went to school 40 years ago but he didn't even listen to us he dismissed it he didn't want to talk about it he uh didn't acknowledge that maybe there was some possibly some new data that he had been like teaching some [ __ ] that somebody figured out in 1980 or something I mean this is some new you know back then if you weren't really like on top of [ __ ] you like really on top of what the [ __ ] is going on in the news if you're freeballing on stage in front of the class telling people that and that's why Lake Eerie is a dead Lake and then some kid goes no it's not dead they there was a whole documentary on TV man and he said [ __ ] you he didn't listen he didn't want to even he didn't even want to acknowledge it whereas like if you said that to me if you said there was a whole do if I was saying obviously I'm not I'm not obviously I'm not a [ __ ] teacher but if you know if if you for whatever reason were talking to me about that and you you brought up that PBS ran a whole documentary on I would have to go ooh I didn't see that I would have to go oh wow is this new stuff maybe there some improvements well that's good news it's good news that science can actually clean up the ocean and the rivers and the lakes as well as [ __ ] surprised to hear it yeah it's nice well it is beautiful that they they have made some pretty significant um uh they have had some pretty significant results in cleaning up some types of uh spills and they've introduced um yeah they've come up with new types of bacteria that actually eat oil and uh can uh help clean up places like the the gulf and situations like that yeah you know what I heard about that um pile of uh plastic you always talk about when they say how big is it like twice the size of Texas right they said that's a such a humongously gross exaggeration really it's less than one/ 100th of the size of Texas really and they say that that kind of exaggeration discredits the actual problem that's there because it makes people write off everything it's humongous but Texas is massive right right so they're just being like typical liberals yeah it's like when you yeah when anyone wants to like make sure
everyone knows about about it yeah well it it's like I held my breath for 10 seconds like oh that's a long time like somebody else wants to go like I held my breath for 5 minutes and you're like no you didn't you went too far well you can do that there was a guy um that David blae guy I think hold the world record oh more than that what yeah more than that I think he did something crazy like 13 or 14 minutes really yeah he um he held he's got the world record I'm pretty sure I'm I know that sounds crazy you think he train 13 or 14 minutes stupid you know where I'm getting this from Brian K oh really [ __ ] love Brian K he had a hawk on his shoulder the whole time Brian K's he's a beautiful person [ __ ] love that dude um it might be true though because David blae David blae call him a m magician call him whatever the [ __ ] you want to do I will call David blae a bad [ __ ] okay cuz I couldn't stand in that ice which one David BL the new one or the old one he's the crazy guy that would like hang out in a a box and you know stat disapp no did he did he do something somebody did that was the yeah that's the type of guy that would make the Statue of Liberty disappear um holding holding somebody in Aruba for [ __ ] however long breath world record 13 or 14 that'd Bean nuts I couldn't do it for 30 seconds yeah I'm not so good at holding my breath try it right now you know what Brian told me though those was one of the the the greatest things in anybody's ever said okay 17 and a oh my God 17 and a half minutes no 17 minutes 4 and a half seconds holy [ __ ] that's how long you did it for yes oh my God he this is insane man how the [ __ ] did he do that that that's not just kind of crazy think of how long like the time is between like a sitcom scene starting and then they go to commercial how many is that how many minutes is that is that 7 minutes or something like that you get two of those dude plus some that's a long time think of like an episode of Friends like two of those things that all the [ __ ] crazy Marsh oh my God all before they go to commercial think of that he's held his breath through that whole thing and then some two of those yeah seven wow that
was just 40 seconds that seemed like forever yeah he's a weird guy man um all the for the first break and the second break if that guy was a fighter he would be a scary guy David Blaine yeah you ever see black people react to him no it's hilarious what do they do black people still have a weird thing about magic um and they react like no no they push each other and shove and run away because they have that weird thing they just can't say like it's a trick they feel strange about it it's hilarious watch vide they scared of uh his magic that's scared they're scared of magic in general really yeah that's a racist thing to say AR you Fe black people scared ofal observation what do I grew up with Elders teaching me that black people are scared of magic I watched by the way learned a Jewish uh horror movie the other day what was it it's this new they thought that girl was pretty no this new movie the um what the [ __ ] is it called The Possession or some [ __ ] like that by the diic Box yes you saw that I I audition for it did you really some small part in it yeah I was like really don't about this it was [ __ ] good man about them hold holding up a [ __ ] like a evil spirit inside a box it was a good horror movie I mean yeah I mean it was no Apocalypse Now it was a fun horror movie I enjoyed the [ __ ] out of it the dude from the Watchman that looks like Brad Garrett but he's not Brad Garrett here's what I got to start doing yeah I know that guy here's what I got to start doing I got to start going to movies and saying this is just supposed to be dumb fun that's all this is supposed to be right like Expendables or whatever that's all I'm down for I'm down for like the Avengers and werewolf movies just like let's root for the good guys and don't worry about it and I'll [ __ ] around and see a Twilight movie with Mrs Rogan if if I get crazy just for a just to find out what the [ __ ] is going on Al I'm going to go see 50 Shades of Gray too just to find out what the [ __ ] is going on that's a Sex book right it's yeah there's something going on with us man here's what it is not getting our rocks off girl yeah girls want the porn just like we want it but theirs is not what we watch there's a romance porn there's there's is a different kind of porn there's is a vampire EMP who will risk everything
just to be with them you know guys yeah exactly you know turn down their special power I've had conversations with a bunch of different people about this every girl's like I want that kind of love too it's like well you don't get that you don't get that kind of love that's not real there's no vampires there's no somebody's giving up the P what are you isn't that nuts somebody told me this the other day too it's like that wait so that kid has been around some who told me this that guy's been around for 2,000 years and he's in love with a 16-year-old exactly that was me oh that's who was was someone a [ __ ] pervert man piece of [ __ ] thousand-year-old dude hanging out with 17-year-old girl that's crazy that was me I know was um yeah it's like ridiculous that's so stupid it's such a stupid idea that he would still be in high school and he's going to give up his power yeah he's got to pretend he's in high school for a six well I'm still in high school well you can't pretend you're 18 you're out of school you can't pretend that you look like you're 25 you can pass yeah you can't just wander through the streets you got to show up at school every day like everybody else put a little gray in your hair and go to a bar and hang out at night with regular people who are in regular things sh shave your head stupid what do they get your references about the count yeah you don't have to tell people you're 17 you look like you're 25 go just go go leave school you can graduate this year what kind of nonsense is that he's going to keep enrolling in school the truant officer going to going to stop a vampire from running around it's a whole family of vampire that only eat deer the [ __ ] are you saying you got nice people vampires that run around eating deers in those movies let me ask you a question in those movies do they already know everything that's being taught in this in school they learn why the make that guy sit there that's like a some sort of a crazy like torture yeah like Chinese water torture like one water drips on you it's no big deal but if water keeps dripping on you for 100 hours you might lose your [ __ ] marbl like Groundhog Day yeah you might go crazy by the year yeah what the [ __ ] what do you transfer schools every every three two years [ __ ]
vampire that doesn't bite you what are you talking about my cake and I want to eat it too I want that kind of love idiot I want to be a stay-at-home mom and have a career this is why I can't respect you that sounds like crazy why you're not equals I want to fly and be a person well you better get a plane [ __ ] cuz you can't do that [ __ ] with your body can't really fly you're not crazy how can you want that what do we want [ __ ] dude release we that's it the release from the the the the junkie of the penis the penis that wants to explode squirty stuff out yeah those movies ruin it for all of us they ruin it for all of us what porn movies do no not the girl porn movies yeah the girl porn they don't know but they're like I sort of expect something better now well you know it's just they're just responding to a lack of romance you know there's a lot of people that don't find anybody who's really into them you know it's [ __ ] hard to find someone who just well you're exactly what they're looking for and they're exactly what you're looking for cuz a lot of times it's just one one of one of those is there like the guys into the girl or the girls girls into the guy or you know someone's annoying whatever the [ __ ] it is no one's exactly what anybody's looking for nobody's that's so not true dude I know people it's rare as [ __ ] and nothing not even like I wish they put their socks away more I wish they were a little more nothing okay that's a crazy person worrying about socks what are you doing TR relationship it's a crazy example we get to the bottom of Mr Shia's problem here he's trying already to sabotage with clothing nothing has to do with behavior it's all clothing now trying for anything that sounds like that guy the Donald Duck remember the old cartoon with the Donald Duck like scientist when he was talking about the road rage that happens with with remember that one and he goes the driver gets in the car and it just turns into this thing yes yeah he's like a scientist duck a scientist duck that's right you sounded just like that I haven't thought about that in a long time I can never do that voice again it's lost it's in theut you won't be able to reproduce it I can only do like a couple of voices like confidently and I have to be around them all the time
like Joey Diaz I'm around Joey Diaz all the time so I can do Joey Diaz easy but it's other ones like that had them for a while and then they're gone you know yeah like Arnold ezy you could do Arnold easy Arnold it's Arnold e the only guy you can do with just noises you could just like so you know it's so dumb like I've never seen that not work on stage yeah it's so dumb so dumb it's a noise but it's that guy yeah whereas I don't think that's the I don't can't think of any maybe Stallone I guess is like is more like like there's like a little bit of noise not as much no yeah there was so many movies where he was yelling where you're like what the [ __ ] is he yelling like that for and normal person would be like and he's like the most bizarre like did you see the remake of uh of U where's the spot here no not Conan where's The Sweet Spot yeah dude wherever your [ __ ] beautiful faces remake of that's a sweet spot right there Total Recall no just out of respect I already got [ __ ] from Joey Diaz for seeing the the new version of the mechanic really Joey Diaz almost stabbed me really yeah out of respect for Charles Bronson dog you go to that [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] that [ __ ] Jason stum that little pansy he's going to play Charles Bronson's character [ __ ] was it he went crazy no I didn't see that [ __ ] movie it was very good I bet it was very STM is one of the coolest guys I love STM and I love that dude who I don't remember his name but he was in um he was in that movie uh the Vampire movie about uh Alaska vampire movie oh it's all night long but for six months 30 Days of Night or something like that 60 days of night 90 Days of Night 90 days days I don't know what the [ __ ] it was the vampire whatever the [ __ ] somebody on Twitter was screaming at me I'm sh now you [ __ ] [ __ ] how are you the one who gets to talk Jo me has produced it for over 6 months but uh he was a badass in that [ __ ] Movie that that vampire 30 Days of Night 30 Days of Night you got it the first guess yeah that that movie I got to find out this dude's name now because he he was so [ __ ] good in that movie it was like cuz it's such a stupid premise that
you're a vampires it's sort of cool vampires would go with this more night but these were legit I'm sorry hold on a second these were legit What vampires these were legit vampires this is one of the last movies 30 Days of Night where they were [ __ ] terrifying legit vampires they were awesome and why couldn't they find those people why couldn't they go to door too um they didn't want to they weren really into looking that hard oh yeah they had to hide away and go from place to his name is Danny Houston is that the homeboy's name that's one of them this guy played the vampire oh really yeah but yeah this guy was one of the guys in that movie that was awesome but he wasn't the guy that I was thinking about there's uh full casting crew there's a guy who played like the vampire familiar he paid played like the uh person yeah the person that was hoping they were going to turn him into a vampire oh yeah yeah that guy never works out for him right oh yeah it never works out that guy always gets jacked doublecross yeah yeah well he's always kind of a piece of [ __ ] you know there's always something wrong with him but he familiar but he's such a good weasel you know and in this movie he had like rotten teeth and he was all [ __ ] up looking really yeah it was awesome he was great they didn't allow him to have a they always kill those guys yeah they did in the Hunger Games too oh yeah you got to kill those got to kill him eventually can't let those guys [ __ ] go on Ben Foster that's his name that guy is Foster yeah he's from Boston holl at your boy he's a bad [ __ ] that that dude is a bad [ __ ] he's keep an eye on that dude as far as like like watching a guy who can really pull off someone [ __ ] up in a movie holy [ __ ] is he good he's scary familiar he was the familiar he was so good in it it was like this a silly role I mean you got to pretend they're going to turn me into a vampire it seems so stupid but he did it so creepy and so [ __ ] up that he looked like a guy who had been so shell shocked they put him Inon he was shocked cuz he had seen like vampires just gutting people everywhere he went they were going to turn him into a vampire and eventually they just spoiler alert eventually they [ __ ] eat his face and
it's pretty intense but you buy it his his his raw acting his the rawness they fast or do they like slow oh they [ __ ] you up man these are scary vampires they do that [ __ ] [ __ ] with the blood like a wolf would eat your face you know a wolf wouldn't eat your face like a panther would eat your face if you're turning someone into another vampire can you just drink a little their blood you have to drink a little supposedly they make their own rules now vampires can go outside in the day oh yeah blade started with that [ __ ] remember that they put sunscreen on that dude on Black Blade Black Blade they put sunscreen on the other dude on the uh so he could walk with what is the handsome fella doesn't work that much anymore was in that oh yeah yeah he was in three girl two girls a pizza place and two girls a guy in a pizza place was he in that one too yeah devastatingly Steven dorf is that him yeah that guy oh that guy that guy was out handsome fell Steven dorf and he was uh he's got a beautiful face but anyway all you had to do is put this uh sunscreen on and he was okay he was protected from the [ __ ] the sun really that's nonsense and the vampires couldn't figure that out come on man vampires would go outside and [ __ ] burst into sun screen lasts like 45 minutes yeah come on man you're going put some [ __ ] sunscreen on you're not going to burst into flames you're treating me like I'm an [ __ ] do you know the sunscreen companies just revolted against like the America had to make them put legit stuff on their bottles why what were they doing just lying about the saying waterproof saying waterproof SPF was were ranges yeah um saying the um if it's waterproof it's paint by the way it's paint yeah it's paint you're going to [ __ ] head but it's like no no you're not it's not waterproof it'll come off in the water putting words like sport on there to make you think like oh I can just have this on for hours and you're like you're making people get skin cancer I developed some real problems with sensitive eyes because of sunscreen really because I had to use sunscreen so much on Fear Factor when I did Fear Factor cuz you're outside all the time when I first started doing it like I like a [ __ ] I did more sunscreen like
the first couple of days that I ever worked it I was just outside just getting cooked yeah and um I got like really [ __ ] burnt so I was like all right I got to wear sunscreen so I was wearing sunscreen like three and four days a week standing outside while this [ __ ] drips in your eyes when when whenever you get any kind of sweat yeah and it stinks yeah and you know a lot of times it's it's a sweaty day you know like it's really possible for little bit of uh the chemical to get you know moisture and it just drips into the corners of your eyes then it would sting like a [ __ ] and sometimes I would go on stage at the store and I forgot that I had sunscreen on my forehead so it would sweat and then while I was on stage sweating it would drip into my eyes and it would be horrific man it would be like my eyes are getting burned like I was getting chemical burns in my eyes and because of that like I've had like problems like swimming doesn't feel the same way in the ocean anymore it's like much yeah it's much more painful than it used to be like swimming swimming in the ocean is like wow like this [ __ ] stings where swimming in like freshwat is like no problem at all and that to me the salt the fact that the salt stings it's like man it feels like might be there might have been some damage there or something oh like also when you're swimming in and it comes up then it runs into your face a lot more too your eyes Well's just the fact that it gets in your eyes you know what does it do to you now what are your eyes like they work they sting they sting if I get in the uh salt water which didn't more so yeah more so than when I was younger yeah I'm I'm pretty sure it has something to do with being burned a few times at least three times it was really painful where I got really burned like legitimately it hurt oh yeah like on stage it's crying I'm crying my pain that well to sting W I'm a [ __ ] no no the other way I mean you don't ever react to me I was like what's up bro yeah got so said Relax bro am I [ __ ] no you're I I expect if you were in high school with me you would have been one of those kids that came in just hand over a flame just like I never did I don't want pain I just but I um I've I've I've been pretty
good at shutting it out like uh like getting tattooed you have to shut it out but it's not that hard man I almost fainted oh my god really didn't even hurt it just Pinchy I was with Bella remember Bella Bella Julia uhhuh sure yeah we went to get them and uh she got one and I got one I was you got a way harder spot than I do I guess no way oh there the sleeve yeah I'm telling you that side area is Bruto it's one of the most sensitive areas I don't know why it's supposed to be super sensitive especially like the ribs apparently if you get tattooed on the ribs cuz that bone is right underneath [ __ ] you feel like rattling your rib cage with pain just right over the bone you're like oh Jesus that's how I heard described there's just a few spots when I was getting my left sleeve my right sleeve is only like probably like 60% right now I got to go to Aaron delov Guru tattoo in San Diego Hollow at your boy I want to finish this moushi one my what's it called my mon what was it monkey I have a t-shirt from them oh that's right Hony Kong Kong yeah yeah they have a lot of great artists San Diego is such a [ __ ] cool Town that's that's a good place to go and start a cult maybe we should start our colony in San Diego it's not too far from LA if you really had to be W that might have that place powerful shafir yeah that's a nice place to get laid La Hoya oo yeah how beautiful is you coached me through it I didn't know how to read the science it was me you and Ingram or something down there or something I think Ingram was on or I don't know it was outside the show was still going on right some girl said something to me like oh you're really funny and then went outside to smoke and that's when I was still smoking and you like do you go get get her number I was like no could I have you're like yes I was like really yeah you were on the hunt and that girl came up and totally made the first move on you I couldn't read it yeah and you went on stage and you talked about not having a girlfriend you were like all green lights ahead you know you were dirty as [ __ ] dirty as [ __ ] God damn it but you killed and that's what's important you killed you were the [ __ ] man for whatever it was 20 minutes you were the man and she's
like oh my God I love him just thinking about that you were like go use your smoking for good for once and go out there yeah go get some son I was so nervous too I was like okay and I went to talk I was like you want you want to hang out and she was like yeah sure isn't it weird how you get like more comfortable like meeting new people is any experience I used to get nervous when I would go to a bank teller this is by the way what when you were what like 17 18 oh yeah like I was 18 when I already fought in martial arts tournaments you know I didn't I mean I got scared of that too but I would I would be I would be tongue tied and nervous when I was going to talk to the teller she a new person maybe that maybe a person of authority I just I just would get weird talking to people when I went for like long periods at time just training and not talking to people too much I got I got like real weird social anxiety [ __ ] really for a while yeah yeah I got real weird I can't imagine that no for sure what if somebody's like introduced you to somebody well I was very uh I mean I I was still pretty confident in myself you know like unreasonably confident in myself because of my martial arts stuff but I was still like really weird with people socially like I would I would get nervous talking to them you know anybody yeah I mean like I didn't grow up feeling like uh the most appreciated person so a lot of times when I was around yeah so I was around someone new I would like think they were going to judge me and oh where you know how long before this guy starts picking on me you know how long before this person starts pick how long before he finds out that I'm supposed to be picked on a loser yeah you know I mean that's and when you feel like that you know as a a young person growing up it's like it's super easy to have yourself fall into those situations so I would get like super I could imagine it now like now when I go to the bank I look forward to saying hi to the lady and know you know I look forward to going hello how you doing everything good what's up I you know I think he yesterday you got a little discussion with people I learned that from it's nice if you can do that you know if you find someone who really will
have a nice little quick little nice conversation with you and you you both feel good everybody feels good or you can just be that selfish senseless [ __ ] just can I help you what do you need write it down that's not it you're a robot you know just interact with people all day you know maybe it would be fun if Joey Diaz worked at a [ __ ] a post office box place it be fun place friends with all the post office people they told me once how to do it like separate stuff and I do it every time and they'll stop and come over like oh you got another shipment you got more you separate thank you darl you know Eddie Bravo used to work at UPS he used to sort boxes like like there would be like a uh like he would stand next to these runways and the boxes would come out of he would grab the boxes and have to Chuck them into like different places that correspond to different like like Le and Shirley like different area codes or zip codes rather is it zip codes no yeah zip codes is the end of letter yeah so he had to like put them into different places like what did you say like what show like Le Veron Shirley did they do that with the bottles where they had to like oh that's right they had to do that with the p with the brewery what was it called was P was it no no it was a fake one right shots shots Brewery schis no that's a real one [ __ ] is it man I don't remember I don't know I don't remember remember that was a great show though when we were kids probably really hard to watch now but what answer me this what is there was so many good female comedians from that era like Cal brunette and L sherle there were like real legit shows that people wanted to watch Mary Tyler Moore I think it was maybe because of this I'm going to offer something that'll probably get me in trouble okay but um I think it's because in those days Hollywood with the people in charge of choosing hadn't yet said we've got to find prettier people the management system hadn't come in and promoted people from within to get like well who do you have to choose from now bunch of people they've told us these are who you have to choose from and you don't get like the people who are just naturally talented to rise through the ranks anymore if you look at s live now most of those people are better looking now than when it started right you know
like everything has sort of changed and you're going to get pretty your people to look at which is nice but you're also not going to necessarily get the funniest or most talented most creative person that way right you know and also Carol Bernett allowed everybody else to shine yes yes and they had a super talented crew is that thing falling apart on you man you keep [ __ ] with it I know I'm trying to get to the right spot don't touch it don't touch it it just leave it alone yeah carette had a a super talented crew it's just hard for us to recognize now because if you tried to watch the Carol Bernett show right now I don't know if you'd really truly enjoy it I think I should go watch some of those shows cuz some of those like In Living Color you can't watch at all now well like certain shows you cannot watch Bruce that l bring yeah I was going to point to that that Lenny Bruce poster that I have on my wall I'm a look I I give it up to Lenny Bruce I think we all have to that was the originator that was the first guy if it wasn't for that guy it would have taken a lot longer to get to this it would have taken for what you and I do that guy is so super important but if you try to watch his stuff today it's it's it's odd it's very strange yeah there's one where he's on stage for over an hour reading legal documents just fine [ __ ] no just talking about the points of his case he went crazy because he was getting charged with obscenity and so he would go on stage and read his [ __ ] case he was the first one to suffer from that from thinking how famous he was he should be talking about it oh yeah he [ __ ] fell apart because of it was the whole world the the the court cases and then on top of that the heroin you know he uh he was like severely depressed I'm sure because of a lot of it I mean all those guys that got arrested for saying things even the two live crew we owed them we owe them because if if it wasn't for people who broke down the door with obscenity even though I don't I mean put dip some my dick and sick my [ __ ] too me so it's I mean look love it or hate it it's still it's a form of art ridiculous form of art but it's like it's like why why should you tell them not to say that that's what we believe in that they should be allowed to say who cares what it is if they like it what's it to you
as long as they not playing it in your face and and and I don't think you should be playing bethoven in anybody's face either right at the same at some point we B out to the Christians a little too much a little too much we're like hey how about there's going to be some cursing on television so just research what you're going to watch and Poli your kids on your own well Florida's so gangster we all want this Florida's got like a lot of really strange laws and uh some people like them but some people think that they're they're really nuts and like fla has like a really large community of conservative people so they have some pretty strict laws when it comes to like pornography and things like that oh really yeah so when they have someone like say this guy you remember that dude who went went to jail for obscenity max hardcore he does like really intense [ __ ] like really intense like shameful horrible things to people just like pissing in their [ __ ] and then they drink it with a straw yeah yeah like intense stuff weekend stuff intense intense stuff pissing in your mouth and you w he's got a heart on somehow or another and then he forces her head down and he is in her mouth some more and she's gagging and throwing up piss yeah so what they did with this guy is they decided to make a a case out of him so they sent his stuff to Florida yeah and then they sent it to some place that has very strict pornography laws and so that place is like okay well now we'll prosecute them based on our perception of what what's different perceptions yeah that's where it gets crazy and that's Florida who has like that they didn't they run the meth where people just go spot to spot to spot in Florida it's not meth or whatever it was it's uh oxy c yeah still do you can just get a certain amount at every single City yeah and they're trying to stop the uh or slow the tide on the amount of prescriptions that they give out but the fact is there's so many people that already have them there's so many people that are addicted to that stuff and if they all stopped cold turkey they're all going to die oh yeah so you got to figure out how to get these people off this zombie drug that you guys have been making billions off Good Luck Good Luck you [ __ ] [ __ ] you crazy [ __ ]
that have made all your money enjoy your yacht you've Enslaved the population you've enslaved a population with vampire dust you've turned people into zombies you know what they'll say what do they say they'll say well um I just don't think about it they're going to stand right beside Mitt Romney and said we did build it uhuh we did build it yeah you know everybody got mad at me because uh I got mad at Obama for that expression that he used where he said you didn't build that you know to uh you didn't you didn't build the infrastructure he was talking about that you know the reason why we have um you know such a great society that people are ble to you know create jobs and start their own businesses is because there's this infrastructure and you need to contribute to that you didn't you didn't build that you didn't you didn't you didn't build that infrastructure that's who build the people that have the businesses they're saying that you didn't build it on your own yeah but you know what I got upset about and me and Brian C were talking about it and I should clarify because enough people tweeted me and and commented on the mess yeah it's what I what I what I don't like about that is cu that that is a a defeatist attitude ude you're telling someone something they didn't do that's not how a leader should be communicating with people in my really unsubstantial and completely uh irrefutable or refutable position I mean who am I to tell here's what I think at Point what do you mean how a leader should act those are those are those are things and and terms that we grew up on but like what do you mean why shouldn't he hang out his underwear and say whatever he wants I'm not saying that I don't I'm you know any credibility on this this subject but I think that when you're talking to a group of people this is just my opinion can't say that any more times yeah and if you're the leader of 300 million people and you're talking in negatives then you're putting out negative you're putting out negative energy you're scolding people you're you're in a sense you're saying that someone's wrong when you say you didn't build that about M Romney but no he said that about people that don't think that they should pay more in taxes people that don't think they should contribute
more which I by the way even though I'm I have a mixture of ideas that I have about uh what is I about a lot of things that I believe that are very liberal as far as like social issues and a lot of things that I believe that are pretty conservative and people would be kind of surprised CU I just think there's a there's a reality to human nature that a lot of liberal people I think don't want to uh they don't want to accept they want to they they want to pretend that people are a little less predictable than they actually are yeah you know but but to humans are humans weact like this whatever type of species we are until we accept that all these conversations we have are just flavored by [ __ ] we that's why political conversations never work that's why political speeches never work they never see those side they never they never realize that yeah want different things see when you see a guy like Mitt Romney or a guy like Barack Obama who's by the way a really good speaker he's way better than I would be if I had to do that thing I'd get crazy emotional I'd probably cry like a [ __ ] so this is really I had the real responsibility of guiding 300 million people he's he handles it admirably I mean it's amazing but they all do it in a fake way they all do it what we are the type of country that prevails we are not the type of country that backs down you know it's like come on man you you're not talking to me as as a human being and in these grandiose ways of using tone and separating speech is to me it's a stand uping for Applause I hear Applause like you hear them raise their voic like come on it's not because of the message it's cuz the way you delivered it yeah you use some theatrical Tech [ __ ] it's cheap you see Comics doing that you're like come on you can't finish your set and go like this go give it up for me some guys do though you've seen it how gross is that yeah remember there's a one guy that used to come around and would tell the audience that I this always gets a standing ovation this is my last bit this always gets a standing ovation and could into his last bit and then letting him know you should be gation at the end this and he would tell people to stand the [ __ ] up stand the [ __ ] up stand the
[ __ ] up supposed to just happened people are so crazy they're so greedy they want it now it's mine it's mine it's my precious that's why the gollem works so well cuz everyone's yeah I see that oh precious precious precious he wants it it's become almost a hacky reference comedy because it works so well oh CU it's it is it's like yeah having that much desire for something that's the extreme the creepiest possible aspect of people is when you're running into them in the midst of an addiction a green monster oh yeah when you see someone who wants something so bad something something give it to us give it to us you know that that that thing where I've seen it with Coke I've seen it with people that uh that wanted Coke but they just want to get back to where they were in the first 20 minutes of their [ __ ] Coke trip well they're not thinking know they just know they want it it just but it's it's weird to see that that glassy eyed like lock down on that chemical they want that chemical so bad I I was with tibo uh yesterday two days ago yesterday and we saw I don't care when it happened man saw some guy crossing the street but he's walking with a sweatpants no T-shirt and socks on walking down laa P Crossing Hollywood bulevard and I was like on the other side I was like TBO uh what JK is that he goes I think meth looks methy to me kind of methy yeah little on the methy side Jesus Christ and I was like he seems calm he's like oh no he's just waiting for someone to get in his way that's why I have no respect for cops that decide by the way not are forced to act but decide it's time to raid medical marijuana dispensaries go clean up the meth labs you [ __ ] you know where people are actually going in and parking their car and paying for with their credit card you know what's happening you know what's worse you [ __ ] whoever it is at the top I I know you're trying to protect your cops but really come on man you need to get drones and I usually don't say that but that's what the cops need to deal with the meth oh yeah just drones what's going to happen with the nothing's going to happen with the weed alone how about weed pays for drones to go after the meth but the city council St for La that's not going to pass right no it's not going to pass no the mayor's
never going to sign off on no they can go [ __ ] themselves the idea is ridiculous you know how much money they would lose they would lose billions of dollars in Revenue in taxes it's ridiculous those those companies are just as much of a legit business is someone selling cucumbers but here's the problem though yeah but I agree with you but six out of seven um uh City councilmen or whatever said yeah let's get rid of it yeah those those guys are [ __ ] are they in the pocket of people is that what it is course they are of course this is a big issue man if this could make look imagine you could wipe out just just for a goof say that you could wipe out all of the medical marijuana dispensaries in this in this state so the only way a patient could could get pot was to illegally grow it if that was the case people people like grandmas and [ __ ] that grow or they would just go to the pills it's very possible you get a lot of people to the pills yeah a lot of people take it for pain relief man a lot of people that have had like back injuries I will tell you the story The only Story I Heard where it's like uh story evidence whatever that word is but um we were on that Monsters of Comedy Tour that shitty one with tripol and all those guys and this guy will see he was like he was like a he like uh an army guy he's like I'm not touching that stuff he get a little annoyed that he smoked around him within 2 weeks he was like all right let me have some but we always shoved him in the back with a with the luggage and stuff and his back was like [ __ ] I'm hurt it hurt whatever he said like dude my back feels good yeah when he finally started smoking he was like this is I feel better well part of with the problem with back pain and this has been proven is it's stress related that a lot of times when people have like really stressful lives yeah yeah yeah back yeah there's a guy I think his name is John Sno I think that's his name he's uh he's a um a doctor from New York and he's like got this idea that I think his name is sno I should I should look this up but that it's psycho psychosomatic and Eddie Bravo actually found that his back problems are psychosomatic he could like see if he was stressed well he said that he was just so tense in the way he was thinking and he changed the way he was
thinking and when he changed the way he's thinking literally his back problems went away there's an old uh Fable in the in the in the Old Testament that somebody some guy was trying to help a king he couldn't get his shoe off or something he had like armor on of a shoe and he couldn't get it off and the King had to like calm him down or the the Jew had to calm this King down H and then once that happened then his swelling went down on his foot and he was able to get the the shoe off huh yeah you [ __ ] that fun thing up [ __ ] up good man [ __ ] it up good these it's not your fault these I can't face you and turn oh that's clearly the way to do it but now so how do I just missing an angle good right there it's good can you tighten it up right there so uh that Jewish uh horror movie like I said the diic Box yeah well it's I think it's called The Possession or something oh yeah yeah that's that it just came out yeah it was wicked stupid yeah totally unbelievable completely [ __ ] you like dragged me to hell I was like this sucks it this sucks loved it remember a child in a lot of ways I don't know if you've recognized that that time we we were in San Jose and and and we're all going to go see a movie cuz it's so boring and it's like two blocks it's okay yep yep and so we're all going to see moving you and Tom was like let's go see Drag Me to Hell I was like let's go see up and you guys are like bar oh up oh my God drag me in the hell was so much better than me and Bri sounded like a 14-year-old me and Brian cried it up did you really Bing a that's so sweet yeah I don't like getting depressed at the movies and up did depress me when the old guy was in the house by himself I'm like I do not want to watch this that's gross you're watching someone rot away that first 15es minutes into that you're like that's just a beautiful short of him with the wife coming up and then uh it's depressing as [ __ ] yeah I like when stuff touches me like that oh so sweet you don't like it I used to and I gave up I gave I gave up on that feeling like I don't need that I'm I'm trying to manage as much positive thinking in my life as possible the last thing I want to do is watch a movie about some guy is [ __ ] shooting heroin and falling apart and you know someone accidentally
hit someone with car cuz they're Dr I don't want to see that yeah I don't want to see it I don't care I don't need to see reality when I go to the [ __ ] movies I want the Hulk really I would see time yeah I would see not even back and forth what's that not even a back and forth give a [ __ ] about some depressing movie I'm not going to the movies to get depressed I don't have time man I think I've got a lot of different interests you know and I'm into like I'm really into a lot of different things that I don't get to do a lot like play pool the last thing I going do is take some time with play to watch some movie that wants to make me cry like a [ __ ] about some [ __ ] that didn't even really happen I'm I'm crying about some fake [ __ ] and you go comedy to you'll go to Alig movies and stuff like that oh for sure yeah no no I love comedies don't get me wrong yeah I wanted to go see the new will Ferell Zack galanis movie but it was sold out like a [ __ ] really yeah we were 20 minutes before it too I was like oh [ __ ] I got crazy I thought I could go see that movie that movie is going to be like number one apparently it's [ __ ] hilarious just came out but I I had a bunch of people say that went went and saw it it's just so ridiculous it's like from the moment it starts you just it's a [ __ ] crazy giggle fest cuz they're both so stupid funny like will Ferell I've seen him in movies like and he's got like scenes in Anchor Man that is so Preposterous like when the girl was starting to become famous and he was upset yeah you remember I mean it's like he's so funny it's so ridiculous and it's like all right it's funny every movie that he's in I've never seen a bad will Ferell movie I've never seen a will Ferell movie that didn't make me laugh Taladega Knights is one of my all-time favorite comedies I like night that's a [ __ ] when that girl stops [ __ ] will farell cuz he loses and then starts [ __ ] Phil H or whatever the guy's name is yeah bib yeah and was like what you're [ __ ] the other guys like those are my kids now TR with respect my exgirlfriend in Zookeeper oh really yeah she was the girl that I was trying to get from Kevin James oh nice yeah she's really nice she's super cool as far as like you know you think about like hanging with actors that actors
would be like real actor is Leslie bib is cool as [ __ ] and she's totally like a guy dude we we were on the way to she's really funny and she's nice she's nice to everybody she's nice to the PA she's nice to the makeup L she's just nice she's just nice but she's [ __ ] really hilarious I I don't know how much she would ever want anybody to know of this conversation so I won't I won't tell you any but she she was cracking jokes about something and I was like I can't believe this is the chick from Talladega Nights really yeah it was really funny she's really funny Steve Burn was he's been I've been getting called into audition for that Sullivan and Son a few times Sullivan and Son what is that Steve Burn show it's on TBS oh yeah TBS has like a lot of comedies now right they're really trying to go really trying kind that's a recent thing right is that where Louis is no he's at FX FX yeah okay but uh his is on TBS but uh anyway I got called at some point you got called on three times for like one same show it's like Steve thank you you clearly said something about me yeah and he's like I'd so much rather hang out with a comic than an actor oh yeah even if it's just one line just I'd rather be normally I say that but then I'm like saying like this Leslie bib even though she's a she's not a comic she is a comic she might as well be a comic and there's some annoying Comics too that I wouldn't want to hang out with of course I'm telling look a lot of people that are actors that in comedy like Leslie bib could easily have been a standup yeah you know like the same the same thing that you know Chelsea Handler can pull off Leslie bib can pull that off too you know I mean I think she Handler take some [ __ ] but I've always thought she was Hardcore she's funny she's funny I thought she was the only girl that was talking about being a [ __ ] that was really a [ __ ] and she's like she ain't faking it she's always been nice to me every time I've always seen her she's always been nice to me I've never heard anybody say she's an [ __ ] you know I don't I don't you know I don't know what it's like on her set or anything like that but she's uh man she was she used to come into the store and everyone like like Jeff Scott used to get mad about it sometimes I wrote a review for her book I wrote a
blur remember that but she would come in sit in her car drink from a flask then go in and open the show and then take off for the night she was good I remember watching her in the in the back of the room going wow this chick is [ __ ] she's hardcore yeah she's like legit hardcore like she was really living it she's really getting she like I'm not I'm not pretending I'm a [ __ ] for the sake of a joke she's funny she's cool yeah I I think you know it's uh it's a way harder Road for a chick to make it as a comedian and even talk about anything than it is for a dude because a dude can get away with having an opinion about things you chicks it's harder to or they just don't try yeah um it's also like you'll listen to a guy on stage with a conservative point of view for a little bit you know you know what I mean you'll listen for a little bit if the guy's a respectable person like even Christopher Hitchens was like pretty pretty conservative when it came to a lot of uh a lot of military issues oh yeah you know and these are obviously super liberal atheists at the same time yeah but if you had a woman that was on stage that was trying to get you to laugh and had opinions so completely polar opposite of your opinions as well you wouldn't be wanting to hear it you couldn't be talking about sucking dicks and it's hard it's hard to do for them no but like political opinions or [ __ ] social opinions shut your mouth woman I thinkone you don't get to choose that's how guys think and I think it's way harder for a chick to have a political point of view that's why they a lot of them become like really like Snappy like like a dog yell that too much they definitely get pushed into being characters more into being character acts oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I agree with that just like Roseanne did just like philis Diller did just like all these people did it really hasn't stopped Rosanne was a Monster yeah you remember when Roseanne first came out man I remember she was the first too annoying for me at first ever really kill she the first chick I ever saw saw really kill you saw her no I don't think I ever saw her live I might have saw her once at the store live and I can't remember but I've seen her specials you know seen her specials a bunch of times and I've
tweeted back at her I think she admonished me for making a potty joke oh really like a mommy is a as a joke I don't think so I think she was telling me to concentrate more on important issues oh really she was one of the first women to get her say she goes we'll do it my way yeah that's Rosanne bar [ __ ] better recognize she fired every showrunner she had yeah you're all fired one at a time well that's a weird thing that happens to people when they uh become like the star of a Fu show yeah you could you can't tell Roseanne what to do m not after that second year it was like she was one of the biggest people in America she was huge remember when she had a three-way marriage her and Tom Arnold married sanra burnhard or that other person is that true something like there was like a three-way marriage wow they like were marrying you imagine being married to another person what a drag what a crazy drag how about we all get divorced let's just make up our mind honey this marriage is a sham we're bringing another person in here let's just get divorced and hang out together can we do that can't have a three-way marriage why don't have a 10-way marriage you dumb [ __ ] that way when you break up you can't have any money how about that you don't get any of it all of it goes to other people they can't live off what you make you got nothing yeah you can't could you imagine if you got divorced from nine people and you had to pay them all like when you go to Tiana and those little chick kids come up you it'll be like that with alimon all the time yeah I mean you got to you got to think of how stupid it is like I was having a conversation with somebody about uh the OJ Simpson case the other day came up what they they were talking about people like getting like super crazy because they have to pay so much in divorce yeah and we broke it down I go could you imagine if you had explained that to somebody that if they didn't understand the system it's like yeah what happens is you sign this paper and then when you're not together anymore even if they're [ __ ] other people you have to keep sending them money for like a long time for years and years and years and they for whatever reason never have to
get their [ __ ] together they never have to no and everyone's like you got to do what you have to do you have to support them why is that crazy you know I have a friend wait wife whose wife if she got married to the man that she loves she would lose all of her money she won't so she won't marry him so this guy's like a bum and they live together and this guy has to pay them astronomical sums every month and he'll like get a credit order or or a um a court order to uh to prove that she's living with a man and the guy will just move out for two weeks the inspector comes and then he moves back in here's the thing I understand that if you gave up your life and your career to raise a child for someone else you're wor place he has no kids if you just marry someone in what world of equality do you think because you guys decided to break up that one person should pay the other person in what equality world so if you get married for more than 12 years then you're under no if you live together with 5 years in California no no no that's what I'm saying if you're married for more than 12 years and you uh you get divorced you pay them you have to pay them forever because you grew in separate ways I mean that is one of the ne every girl is not outraged by that it's a [ __ ] [ __ ] every one of you whenever you want equality just know that that's a rule still and go [ __ ] yourself there's no way that should still be around I got two words for you right now Tom Arnold yeah that's our just girls it's not just girls that's right guys have run that hustle and Britney Spears dude oh that's right Kevin F house he's fat and he drives a Ferrari now but every guy every guy was excited about that like black people were excited about OJ getting off where we knew this is ridiculous but finally won for us that you just went deep with that son it's a ridiculous law it's ridiculous yeah it's craziness it's crazy that you could be separated by years and years and years years and even the same amount of time that you were actually together like if you year together for 12 years and separated for 12 years no no in perpetuity you got to keep paying we got married when we're 18 now I'm 30 and she she find a man she can't find a man who loves her enough to take her away from
it comes from a time with like their tarnished Goods cuz they've already been married for so long like who would want them well it's not what the [ __ ] is that it's not even that it's that like she can't trust him what I'm going to just trust you I'm going to marry you and you're going to stick around if I lose you I lose all this money I mean she gets a sub ridicul substantial amount of money every year the payday M what the [ __ ] are you talking about how much that comes from a crazy time how much does she get oh nothing just about a million a year you remember that Chris Rock bit it's okay to give half of your money when you have $2 million try when you have $30,000 yeah try give up 15,000 even when you have $2 million it's like it hurts your soul the idea it's so crazy that if you write something down on paper another you have to keep paying them like why can't you live your life like that seems to be kind of strange that you're requiring me to live your life yeah what kind of [ __ ] weird enabling system do we have here we're let training them we training to I'm not going to say it they're training them to be adults that's what we're training them to be I can't believe you said that you said I thought myself I try to grow as a human I TR how to grow as a human but that's what you're training to be [ __ ] people unable to take care of themselves in any way it's ridiculous it's ridic well the whole idea get injured in an accident women want to be protected when they're raising children and to be legal like some guys are douchebags and they don't want to pay for their kids and they wouldn't want to pay alimon or Child Support I'm not saying that I'm just saying in cases especially where there's no children it seems a little weird that you could be separated from someone for in my friend's case 10 [ __ ] years he's paying a substantial let me say it again a substantial amount of money my friend is a real uh real worker he works he's he's got his own business he's like I mean this [ __ ] puts in some hours all right I'm telling too much he's also a wizard he lives in a cave and he drives a spaceship and he's Asian it's [ __ ] it's just a sad world when you see
people destroyed by a weird in unequal legal system it's Antiquated what the [ __ ] is that doesn't make any sense how can anyone defend that kind of behavior it's so C to think that someone who you don't want in your life anymore is still your financial responsibility how about the last two years was a living hell that doesn't buy you anything any any discounts yeah and this is you know we're talking about grown adults man I mean you would assume that you've done something with your life that's trade worthy we hated each other we had to sleep next to each other for the last two years and it doesn't matter you were yeah no bed together you you might [ __ ] she might insult you when you're at dinner I mean make up your own horrifying scenario that it could have been and imagine you have to pay that person a million a year it's craziness 20 bucks that's what you get what you get what you get out of prison the whole idea behind paying people money is [ __ ] crazy but the whole idea behind charity is beautiful and when people don't get charity from people they want to get it from them you give it to me and it's a [ __ ] horrible aspect of human nature people want something that they don't deserve fre but we all want it after we get it for a while we all want it yeah you all want to slip and fall and Sue after you get but anything even when you start getting spots at The Comedy Store you start thinking well now I get them I deserve them yes yeah you start every gets like this yeah it's hard to maintain humility and appreciation those are two very hard aspects of the human The Human Experience to to Really maintain and hang on to yeah yeah it's it's hard to be a nice person I was talking to this guy in Toronto this new comic he was interviewing me for something some like web thing powerful Toronto coming soon Massy Hall's are we going to you going to be able to I'm also doing shows in Toronto for just for lasts at that at that I I will probably be by there to hang out at very least at the very least so legally we can't say that ARF will be performing yeah but you know what's up how the sales for that show oh Stellar sold out yeah it's almost sold out and all you know it's it's look Massie Hall is one of the [ __ ] coolest places on Earth have you
ever done it no dude like [ __ ] Beatles did it and [ __ ] it's like one of those places oh it's Insanity I'm scared I'm scared just thinking about it now I'm getting tuned up yeah I'm so fired up for that show I'm fired up for this weekend too I'm doing the L Barrow theater in Santa Marica or Santa Barbara rather Santa Barbara is uh pretty [ __ ] dope Santa Barbara you ever go there uh I just went camping near like halfway there dude I'm telling you it's so nice to go camping you got to do it a silly [ __ ] it's so much fun you see [ __ ] animals we got attacked by a skunk yeah that's not good it was so fun like it's good it was so fun skunks are not good dude only one I had to walk through it was so fun that's not real camping that's Serial Killer Bait and then we went out into the wild there no wild the wild that you can get to your car in La is not real wild Serial Killer Bait where do you want to go you got to go to Montana son you got to go somewhere legit we can't go there that's too much that's too involved we want to take mushrooms and drive somewhere okay but I'm telling you that you're just asking to get eaten that's what you're doing if you go to one of those creep creepy semi-wooded areas near cities there families there yeah well like that like Griffith Park Griffith Park is a good place to find grith Park is a good place to get a blow job grith Park is different it's a good place to find a pit that people made where they cooked a homeless guy that's that's the kind of place where you find some [ __ ] like that you know it's not like the real woods it's not like Colorado it's not like walking through the trails in the Rockies it's the closest place where I can get away from everyone yeah and that's so so much fun sometimes to get away from everybody if I had a house boat I'd take it out sometimes [ __ ] yeah it is but the problem is the places you're going anybody you run into you're going to have to kill you have to kill in a hand toand fight cuz they're going to be trying to take your life going to have to call back on those old school 10th Planet jiujitsu remember what my dad taught me about the Israeli Army what if I remember kicking the balls for two people dude I'm so bummed out that you hurt your knees I really love the
fact that you got into Jiu-Jitsu and you got you got proficient at it for a while I remember seeing you get a few Taps and I was like holy [ __ ] people anyone who's thinking of doing it it's so invigorating when you get that it's it's like it's sort of the same but way better man why don't you come back again why don't you uh just lift a little weights for a couple months build your your your body up a little bit I uh I'm about to go back now I had a pretty significant back injury where I I I popped it I miss it sometimes and then I tried to uh I tried to keep rolling I tried to like like just roll light and just use technique and I heard it really bad I heard it bad the point where I was getting numbness in my hands oh really it was intense tingling yeah it was intense and then I came back for a little and I got my black belt and then I heard it again and I was like [ __ ] I said all right I can't just rest this I got to make this thing stronger I should say this cuz I don't think I got injured in Jiu-Jitsu I think I got injured from kettle bells so I say to anyone who doesn't be careful and don't go don't bend past a certain level well honestly I think before you even do kettle bells for you because you had been kind of sedentary I think it would have been nice little bit being trying to trying to be your friend brother you know I love you you Vegeta growing on me you could have uh started off with perhaps like some body weight squats and some push-ups and like a real conservative sort of a buildup phase because what happened to you has happened to people before go too hard and you break yeah yeah you can you can [ __ ] yourself up Kevin Pereira had the exact same problem K told me at some point he's like but honestly dude you're you're 36 you're 37 you can't you can't that's what's going to happen that's count that's right before he lifted his shirt and said about 40 something and then pounded himself fo Fox News Messenger of Doom comes say if you're if you're talking about how great your body was he would have went that way with you he just loves being K but no he is right in a lot of ways I mean when you're older for sure [ __ ] breaks more especially if you're thinking the fact that you're 36 and on top of being 36 you're also like you know8 now you
haven't you you haven't been in the best of shape so like you you were you got to that age and on top of it you were like like you're not eating well I just started eating healthy I'm going to the Whole Foods I walked in there once High stoned drove in there I was like let me see and their salad bar was so [ __ ] good and full of different flavors that I'm like I can do this it truly makes a difference eat healthy and people don't understand they don't you don't know what you're depriving yourself out of it doesn't mean it doesn't mean yeah doesn't mean be a vegetarian either it means um it means getting a lot of nutrition I it's weird though I just did it because it tasted okay but after like a month like a solid month of doing it like all the time um like eight nine of those a day yeah you know not a day a week um after that I could feel better like I would feel like more more energy I'm like better yeah of course it's like when you quit smoking too I'm sure it must have been the same sort of a thing got to relax I would like to say that but it just you had a real pull back huh it's always pulled you a little bit back yeah I'm I'm better off it now the pot helps cuz I can get that feeling of smoking something wow which would relieve that that little feeling so but for the longest time after that it always p you right oh you just always want to get one and then when you see it when you see people like I want I want to be part of this I want to be with you guys smoking right now it's so weird how it's so different for different people like some people will quit smoking and then they feel like they have so much energy and they feel so much better and they feel like they got out from under a rock like something was weighing them down and then some people quit and they never quite get over that pole they just keep trying I had to accept like you know how they say AA that you're powerless over the drug like every time I'm like I'll just have like one or two a day four a week it's like no I don't have power over this WOW it'll be back at half a pack to a pack every day that's so scary it's so scary that they made it that way oh yeah The Addictive stuff isn't what isn't what gets you the good feeling hey Mitt Romney can we talk about this hey Barack Obama can we talk about this poison that kills a half a
million people a year here it kills like something nutty like 5 million worldwide die every year from cigarettes like w could you imagine if you came out with some new [ __ ] like skin cream it was killing 5 million people worldwide a year how long before they would pull that [ __ ] off the market that's a that's a [ __ ] plague that's a plague that's a new AIDS it's well old AIDS it would be so many more people if we didn't have it though oh thank God for cigarettes and AIDS you think about cigarettes and AIDS it really helps us out getting the freeway and still the 405 is jammed with all these people dropping off from cigarettes there's something sad to me about an old lady smoking cigarettes and I know that's stupid and hypocritical but I want to feel like an old lady should have someone in her life who loves her enough to get her to quit smoking it's like you did it you did it you made it you're old and you're still smok got through the maze you got through oh man it's like she survived the Hunger Games there's some women that have that that brassy they know you don't want to [ __ ] them it's done over with it and so like they're they're a different thing it's not like a woman they become like this really old thing who can well I'll tell you what when you were my age Sunny I've been undesirable for 28 years they get accustomed to it it must be so sad though for a chick because really beautiful chick are super powerful yeah they have super powers you know they go into a room and everybody loves them despite their oh yeah absolutely how they talk I said this on Twitter but I realized it recently it's like the only difference between someone who you look at as a crazy person and someone who look at as like cute or quirky is [ __ ] ability that's true that's the only difference oh yeah for sure yeah you look back and think about some of the girls that you dated and men too nutty flavor flave was the same behavior then that he is now but because he was younger and more vibrant oh yeah you're like oh that's okay that guy's just a little weird yeah if you want to [ __ ] them they become way easier to hang out with when they justify their behavior insane or or terrible well don't you think like a certain point in your life when you meet a person they're just your sex dispenser yeah part of it
you masturbate with them yeah you masturbate with them like you there's there's people that you have legitimate relationships with but there's some people that you just [ __ ] never click with well they're also sort of both on any level they're both so I've apologized for girlfriends in my mind that have been like rude to weight staff and later I'm like you know she likes service done right that's all but it's like in your head you're like come on that's an [ __ ] and you're ignoring it people get they grow up with that [ __ ] that's the problem we're so adaptable you know if you look at all the different sort of like crazy cultures and what they condone and don't condone all over the world and if you think about how similar human beings are genetically like all over the world the variation is so small but yet the behavior patterns are so radically different between like you know like what's going on right now in Bahrain and what's going on right now you know Middle East is amped up slight difference H difference yeah I mean the same era on Earth the apocalypse is going on in one place in another place you know you're walking down the street in Belair and there's manicured Lawns and everyone's friendly and it smells great 4th and flowers everywhere birds are chirping you get in your convertible and you drive down to Starbucks you sit there with your feet up on a chair How can there be War everything's so great I remember it was you me d um and I think I think Duncan might have been with us too it was one of the days after 9/11 before the plane started flying again yeah and we were all sitting around um like outside of a Starbucks or one of those coffee beans or something like that and we were sitting around just just talking about how beautiful it was like how could there be a war right now where where where we're going where we're sitting right here in Southern California so far removed it was so beautiful there was no planes no plan flying around because it was 911 so like you never got to hear anything fly overhead and it was like way quieter it was almost like we went back in time for a couple days it was weird man you don't realize how often you hear [ __ ] planes especially like you if you're anywhere near the airport
those [ __ ] things you IGN after a while yeah that's why whenever you shoot something and the sound guy has to be like plane you're like what I didn't know all the time I'm a wizard are catching that [ __ ] cuz you know it's going to ruin the shot yeah I'll stop people from doing things on Fear Factor like hold on hold on hold on we got we got to plan we got to plan um but yeah that we we were sitting around and I remember we were thinking like how could there be a war going on somewhere how could there be a place of such complete disarray that planes are flying into buildings and thousands of people are dying when you and me and Diaz are just sitting here high as [ __ ] drinking coffee and just kicking back looking at the sun you know looking this perfect weather we're we're too connected with the whole world man yeah sometimes like there should be just Village like we're just here now we shouldn't worried about what's happening over there or on a different planet or a different like whatever it's like it's not our star system we're just having a good time the problem is then other people form gangs and they take over and they invade just like that may movie it's almost like you know when people say this um like Americans uh those troops are fighting for our freedom yeah they're not but they're not fighting for our freedom but they are but they are because someone always throughout history has become the baddest [ __ ] on the planet someone whether it was the Greeks or the Romans or the United States of America somebody had to dictate what the [ __ ] happens there's no one ever done it as well as the US has done it but we've always had to do it there been a guy in charge and so the the argument is look if anybody's going to do it it should be us cuz let me tell you something as far as the rest of the country the rest of the world goes we're about as nice as you can get as far as like how we treat our own this is about as nice as we can get I know with this kind of power but then you think like we're the only ones that ever dropped the bomb we're the only ones that ever did that we don't trust anybody else with it when the only only person who has a loss on that is us and we have two o and two what's [ __ ] up is that we dropped two bombs yeah we we dropped the bomb and then we like I
quit I quit I can't hear you it was like those hack that open up comedy clubs y'all ready for Ari shafir I can't hear you I can't hear you here's my new joke are y'all ready for Ari shafir here's my new joke tell me what you think of this okay I don't just do it now I don't care when hey you guys like Impressions and you don't have everybody claps I want to go no you don't no you don't why'd you clap at that you know you don't want them you don't like them it's a good joke you're telling people what they like I love it nobody likes Impressions nobody everyone claps like all right or you like different things in other people there's a man named Rich Little he made his whole career out of making Impressions people [ __ ] 1830 about Danny Gans Danny Gans before died of pills by the way no stress for having to do Impressions all day long every day that ate away at his inside what are you saying of pills whatever it was what was he taking the pills for cuz he was in an awesome mood all the timewe sweet art like we said AR you can get addicted those terrible used to do a great bit about Danny Gans yeah yeah [ __ ] Danny Gans only in Vegas as soon as he steps on the bus to leave Vegas when it leaves City Limits like Danny Gans is taking the bus away from Vegas soon everybody goes back there and spits in his face isn't that [ __ ] you Gans do you have to be like people like have to like qualify his success yeah well it's Vegas yeah he's Millions a Year Rita rner too she was one that was kind of struggling a little bit on the road like there's there was a bunch of mar Margaret Smith was in that category of women it was like really funny women stand up Comics but at a certain point in time you stopped hearing about them you know Margaret Smith was hilarious went to Vegas she was like in the kenneson era she didn't but rudner was from her era and rudner carved out like a huge career for herself in Vegas every time I'm there I see posters and billboards and [ __ ] she's always like a popular act in Vegas yeah what's also people can look forward to seeing her again like so for some people that's why the comedy scene is [ __ ] in Vegas because there's so many great shows at all times why we go see a local guy we're seeing Legends there's 10 legends playing at any point right here what am I going to see yeah you can
go see Bill Cosby and if you're locals you can get two for ons or comps yeah you can see Bill cos you see Joe Rogan you can see [ __ ] Seinfeld whoever you like I mean damn you just put me in with Seinfeld and Bill Cosby holla Knuckles you can see a lot of good comedy man we were so looking forward to doing that show took off weeks for that I took off weeks for that so sad we W up we wound up bringing it to the uh the ice house can I make an announcement yeah [ __ ] you [ __ ] my CD is coming out my first ever CD uh revenge for the Holocaust W I like it thank you that's a good name dude that's beautiful is it going to be on iTunes as well iTunes September 25th uh it goes on sale probably this weekend dude we're gonna today blow that [ __ ] thing up it goes on sale today like online you can buy it and then iTunes when when's the itun it's it's up to it'll it's going up to iTunes today be up there Friday available for pre-sale but September 25th is the official first um first sale but here's what I'm doing but you can buy a pre-sale what does that mean start buying it and then it comes out in the 25th just give me it yeah I know I'll just give it to you give it to me yeah but um you you were really happy with this one too I'm really happy with it I'm really excited and the cover my friend did the cover and I [ __ ] love it oh that's dope um I like that oh that's I like that he's an evil juice spider yeah going after a Hitler spy that's beautiful dude um but yeah but if you go to my website I'm giving away four tracks that might be one of my favorite CD covers of all pretty sweet right I'm with it I was if I was a just a non- comedian like a kid who really was into comedy like I was at one point in time if I ever found this in the CD aisle like at the record store I be like oh [ __ ] yeah I got ARA's new [ __ ] revenge for the Holocaust I would buy that just at a general principle just like yeah if I knew that that was a standup comic my I had an uncle that used to do that my uncle Vinnie he would uh he was from the uh the era of Records but he would take me to the record store and he goes I would just sometimes through the album art yeah he'll buy uh a record just based on its album art and I've done that before too and made
horrendous mistakes especially when it comes to like fantasy art oh yeah like swords and Iron Man stuff is so sweet but their music is like I like Iron Maiden I I can I can get into some arton ma it ain't as cool as the art what it ain't as cool as their artwork their artwork is same as Grateful Dead it's like your artwork is way better than leopard iron is that monster right yeah coming bat out of hell yeah that and you know what they do that I've never seen this is what they do they have a few tour shirts for the year they will never reproduce that art they're done selling that shirt forever after that they like a North American tour and it's done that doesn't make sense to me buy every year new shirt and so now you have a 2010 shirt someone else has a 2007 shirt you're all at [ __ ] the same Festival I get it but what if the 2007 shirt awesome I want buy one I want to be a to buy the old I feel like you should just keep selling them I like that too but I like something about like we were there and you had to be there together you know what I don't like about it you artificially control the supply like you decide it's only we're only going to release 250 why if a thousand people want them sell a thousand you crazy [ __ ] why you creating a mad clam yeah like only get live like what about the people who can't see you if a million people want to buy your crazy [ __ ] hats you're only going to sell 10 hats this is a limited edition run of 10 hats sell all the hats anyway I'm giving away four tracks for free if you go to my website beautiful arth great.com or ar ship here.com just go there I'm I'm honestly really happy with it and I think if you listen to it you'll be a fan so four tracks Absol fre why you pumping your own [ __ ] up like that I do like it I like let me do it for help me out Ari shafir I've known Ari shafir for a long [ __ ] time and I took Ari on the road with me when Ari was like in that stage of standup comedy like uh you were like a couple years in how many years in were you in five years five but I was like you were there and not you you could have some great nights and you could s but I've watched you made rookie mistakes yeah but you made some [ __ ] great moments too rookie mistakes are fine it's the the the real problem is the lack of the Great Moments
in with the rookie mistakes you would have like hilarious bits and then you would clunk one in there but that's everybody does that the beginning you just were trying to find like you know find the footage trying to be too to out there too little whatever it is yeah we feel yourself pushing a bit too hard but I've watched you transform into like a real legit headliner it's been [ __ ] cool especially over the last couple of years because of uh doing a lot of podcasts and you know doing a lot of internet related stuff you got you know especially the you got really famous from the the uh the the racist stuff The Amazing Racist stuff and then you know from that to like you know Senor standup you know like and you know you put out no one ever came to see me from that though yeah but here or there but it's all podcast stuff now right it's all people coming to see you from the podcast yeah and then remembering that other stuff and I also liked you when you did that stuff and it's people that have come to Vegas when we performed I've seen perform before to that help that's the best one you and I have done thousands of shows have you stop and think about all the [ __ ] shows that we did and all the different places and all the different Friday nights where we did two shows and Saturday nights where we did two shows then we did a show on Sunday and sometimes we did Thursday too we did a lot we started at four day weeks yeah but I watched yeah we got too crazy it's that that's like not a comfortable way to do the road when you're doing the road that's four and five days out at a time it's like get me [ __ ] home this is you got to manage like the uncomfort with the the like what are you getting out of it I've had to do that but then the problem is this it's like I told you I have like three weeks and I'll have like a week off then I'll have another three weeks I'm like I need that week off but then DC Improv calls and you're like [ __ ] I got to go there the crazy thing is even the week off it's like why not go on stage well that's what I would do at H go to the store and do it there yeah we have the greatest job in the history of the world and it's not an easy job it's hard to figure out how to get really good at it but once you get good at it then it becomes easy and it's
the most rewarding [ __ ] of all time we did the Ice House this past weekend we did uh two shows there and it was [ __ ] Sensational [ __ ] Sensational Friday and Saturday Friday is always like a little weird because people are tired and we do a late show it's like a 10:30 show on Friday so doesn't really start till 11:00 and people have been like working all day and then they start drinking it's like Friday Tuesday the wor they was still great they were still great and Saturday was off the [ __ ] chain Saturday was amazing you know and uh Bob fiser came on stage and brought up a bottle of champagne and you know that's so cool he's a sweetheart man that's a long way from having to hide the fact that you're drinking on stage of the Tempe Improv have to put it in a flask and say it's apple juice isn't that the most ridiculous bring on stage to you isn't that the most ridiculous [ __ ] like literally of all time we've done some great shows we've had some great times we we literally did that we we brought a flask on stage at wouldn't let us drink they said it was a state law or something they made up a law cuz Christians own the place they made up a law it's so stupid and and I had to say to the owner I said listen man I go this place is filled with people that want to see us get crazy okay we want to get crazy they wouldn't let us Dr yeah well let's I want to do a couple shots like come on man I'm here to start a party I'm here to do a standup comedy show I'm I like to have fun let's have some fun I know what I'm doing okay I'm not a child and they wouldn't serve it to the green room and then red got a great idea and [ __ ] [ __ ] funded it he got whiskey in a flask no we got b a bunch of bottles yeah we put in that back corner we got [ __ ] up man and we just kept saying can I have some more Coca-Cola please yeah we just got blasted on Coca-Cola they couldn't figure out what was going on we tipping the weights to have 100 bucks for Coca Cola yeah but then somebody ratted her out and then well yeah it was one of the waitresses one of the waitresses was uh she was a familiar Demon King tell me what have they done down at the club oh my God this one was alcohol on stage nonsense he is not allowed cannot be true you remember what he said to me alcohol on stage remember when we got there the
heretic we got there and we were in the parking lot Joey de is already inside he likes yeah we're in the parking lot couple minutes earli like let's smoke a joint yeah then we'll go in yeah di start the show we'll be in in a couple minutes do the music wasn't even on I called like damn want to talk to you I like what why he goes the [ __ ] we had to delay the show for 30 minutes cuz of you people are standing in the rain I'm like what what rain what minutes what are you talking about he would just make [ __ ] up it was the first time I've ever talked back to a club owner he goes he goes well you're not going on this show and I'm like I am damn well going on this show this is the only reason I'm here I don't give a [ __ ] about the money I'm going on this show you almost got that loud I didn't get that loud I said Dan I'm going on and then I got super worried you got like really heart Beady yeah yeah I'm going on and then you can't I go dude you're going on stop it that helped a lot [ __ ] out I was so nervous well at a at a certain point in time what we would do the way we the improvs are like some of the most professionally run clubs in the country but at a certain point in time we would take over the room the way well we took over the room well like a lot of clubs you go to like even when Callen goes on the road call doesn't do it the same way we do it what call does is he goes there and they have an opening act and a middle act that they book yeah and he just shows up he's the headliner that way he doesn't have to pay as much for you know those people's airfare and all the other [ __ ] that I pay for but for me I'm like what are you doing like you can't you don't take over the room that way then then then you have to like deal with yeah then you're just a part of an act and you're a part of a comedy club experience yeah it's way more whole [ __ ] night that way yeah so we would what we would do is say listen we're going to provide the opening act we're going to provide the middle act and it's not up to them to say yes or no it's like I I've got a long long long reputation of bringing funny people on the road with me I always bring Headliners on the road with me so you know it's going to be a top level act so don't worry about that and if it's a matter of whether or not you know you
think my my my audience can't handle it well that's not your it's not up to you to decide because you brought the whole audience difference usually they're dealing with people who you might bring 20% of the audience 10% but people so he tried to get he tried to get crazy but I was like no he can't get crazy we bought the room we essentially have a contract like you can't just break the contract because you decide that a guy's late like that's crazy he's really working for me I'm a private contractor yeah I'm I'm a subcontractor to this contract don't make me [ __ ] smack you [ __ ] yeah sit the [ __ ] down crazy [ __ ] he was just a dude who' like to party and he would come to work the next day with a headache and and he'd get just [ __ ] grumpy as [ __ ] when I when I meet a dude like that honestly I mean I love Danny M um and I'm not talking about him in particular because I really never had a problem with that like yeah he me he and I never had a problem you know he was upset at me once because I came into town to do a theater uh and I didn't do his Club but the only reason why I did it is cuz this radio station promoted it like to me it was like this radio station had played my voodoo panani song it became like the number one song in Phoenix only in Phoenix yeah so they wanted me to come in and do a show for them now I couldn't say no nobody it was like 1999 it's like no I couldn't say no it's like nobody ever offered to put me in a theater before like holy [ __ ] this radio station's going to take you're like dude no offense to the other club I'm sorry it's not I'm it's not against you got an offer for something dude you know recognize but but when I when I see a dude who gets like snippy and snappy like that I get sad cuz I know that that's just a person who's system is just completely out of [ __ ] whack yeah he's just unhealthy how how the [ __ ] could be there's no way that guy's healthy that guy's a mess yeah he's you know his whole system he was always tired and you know when you see people and you know their shit's not flowing well you just really like you don't you see that now like when you're eating healthy you see you feel how much different your body feels and of course it would react the opposite way when you eat the opposite coming on the road with you probably
that ha The Comedy Store and maybe my upbringing were probably the biggest influence fluences on my on my standup those three things CU seeing those big crowds and then being able to temper it with [ __ ] shitty eight person rooms at the store well something happened along the way uh within the last few years where people started recognizing you and they knew to expect you whereas I used to bring you up and the real Meatheads would be like where's Rogan where's Rogan bring Rogan up the real douchy dudes that I really got rid of almost but then a couple times you found it just here a little a little by little a couple people like oh are you going up tonight really excited I was like oh really you know me ahead of time yeah and I would see down the forums and [ __ ] I hope Ari comes with them and then somewhere along the line it'd be ladies and Gentlemen please welcome Ari shafir yeah they're all excited for it weird lately man those the with the Diaz ones that I've been recording it's like everywhere they're trying to top themselves cuz it's now it's become like some sort of a crazy competition because in Denver they went [ __ ] berserk they went berserk Winnipeg in 2010 was the first time I saw that on a large scale level cuz I don't think you've ever played Winnipeg I've never been back it was my favorite show of 2010 it was crazy fun man and um that was the only place I could do like that back then it was a two or three level place and they went so crazy while I was on but I could when I right when I walked on they like as you were saying introduction notes they were like they start clapping yeah cuz they know who it is I just say credits yeah I I was for whatever reason man my comedy took off in in Canada before it ever did in America like I would I would do way better in theaters in Canada remember we would do like Calgary we'd have to do two shows well I did two shows recently two shows at that [ __ ] Jack singer concert hall and we did a show where they sold out like an extra I don't know how many seats but they had to bring them on stage so we had people on the stage with us stage with us but it was like it was we they gave us the option of that or those people get refunded and they have to go home I was like [ __ ] that we can't
let him go out like this is going to be a cool story cuz these people had like babysitters and [ __ ] I mean who knows what kind of out behind us but then they couldn't do that they couldn't do that it was at least 80 people it was a lot of people the stage was humongous we didn't need La if we don't need law then we like give some to them and it was became fodder you know it became kind of funny that you know you're standing next to someone who's in a chair who's just watching you you're trying to act out a hump out you're in some old lady's face you're like so sorry about this ma'am I got to do this here you're looking at their drink going that's delicious what is that that that looks awesome was is that salted oh nice I did Doug Benson's Interruption yesterday Doug no not the interruption dou Doug Loves movies and uh some in the front row is bringing out those purple the grape Twizzlers and I was like oh he like gave me the sign of like do you want one I like nodded and he threw one up to me it was awesome that's awesome yeah it was delicious it's one great Twizzler interact with people a solid a solid piece of candy yeah it's a good good invention doesn't taste anything like grape we were talking about this the other day oh no T that podcast that like we have a we've accepted a fake grape taste for grape soda grape gum does anything like a real grape but when you eat it you go oh that's grape like you just you you accept it as being a fake grape you know like cherry soda cherry unless you're getting some like legit dely Cherry Soda it's marcino cherry juice that's what that is it's like candy cherry cherries yeah cherry soda is pretty [ __ ] good though isn't it Cherry Coke it's pretty rare you know if you're really looking to wreck your [ __ ] immune system and you're eating like a bastami sandwich with you know [ __ ] thousand island dressing slopping off the sides of it and you have a Cherry Coke oh yeah give craziness I want more sugar I love it too when they're like we don't have the Grenadine can we pour the juice in I was like yeah pour the juice in oh my God you go that deep yeah one time at Denny's we were all eating there and I asked her for Cherry like put the cherry juice in she didn't know and she poured the thing out but it was all the peanuts
had like leaked over in their Sunday area Sund there's pieces of peanuts floating in it and I was haded like what is peanuts doing in here and then I realized what it was so she just poured the whole Sunday area thing over to get the cherry juice out wow yeah yeah that's a little too much sugar for your system son not my system it's like yeah it's so bad for you to drink that much sugar they eat that much sugar yeah they like I keep reading [ __ ] about sugar how bad it is I got to try to we off it why does it taste so goddamn good though when I haven't had it in a while cuz I eat so much of it when I haven't had it in a while I get low blood sugar cuz I'm used to it now you know what dude you know what you can't [ __ ] with haogen chocolate I ice cream holy [ __ ] it's good if you invest in a quality ice cream bar or chocolate bar sometimes when you're like not let me not at Nestle that's okay let me go above and beyond H oh this has done better dude the hog Wonder it's a dollar extra dark chocolate bar it's dark chocolate on the outside with chocolate on the inside oh you ever go to real hog place where they dip in the chocolate let it melt right on there for you [ __ ] yeah son those are awesome yeah and you don't know by the way none of you know what ice cream tastes like unless you smoke pot you think you think you think you know what they taste like [ __ ] you're living in a dream you are you you're sucking a dick through a roll of toilet paper you're not feeling it you're not feeling it you're not getting the The Full Experience there is no better part of my depression than when I had was taking some medication to let me have hyperphase where I would never feel full and I would get stoned and not feel full and just for an hour just eat syrup and whipped cream just more and more did you hit the wall it was so oh I had to tell myself you're done but what did you feel like did you feel like exhausted from all the sugar no you would just get a little more way down dude I would eat for three I would eat till there's nothing left to eat oh my God it was so good when you get high you can finish off anything wow dude that seems like dangerous to get so you can't get full can't your stomach explode can't you like eat too much your stomach exp I have to be like okay eight
plates of spaghetti probably that's enough right can it break I mean your stomach can break right I do those eater guys those you proba barf you throw up I guess it's like drinking a gallon of milk you can't do it cuz your body would make you throw it up is that true that's the rumor really well I guess there's not enough room yeah and you would want to drink but then think about how imagine if you could drink a gallon of milk what your [ __ ] stomach would look like it's really crazy yeah I bet Joey Diaz could drink a gallon of milk we had and me and David Taylor's talk show we had Mark hatchel was going to come in and try to see Jo Diaz is a big guy I'd be willing to let him try he's not going to do it you don't think he could do it he doesn't want to be he doesn't want to be the human like no he would going to make of my he wouldn't do it but if he wanted to do it he could do it I think he couldn't you don't think he could do it no so it's a physiological thing no one can do it it's like you can't eat a piece of white bread or two pieces of white bread what about like a Tim Sylvia like a giant dude I say no you don't think he could do itm I even say Big Ben Big Ben Rothwell yeah really yeah he couldn't drink a no Nelson who's the guy with the big Nelson yeah you don't think he can drink BET next time we see Rory Nelson let's try to ask him well he'd be fighting I guess so he can do it when F him in the middle of that or later he can't say hey this good F hey um can you drink just totally blow off the fact you an hour fought to the death against Shane Carwell now that you're not training anymore can we interest you in filming you drinking if if if Nelson is out there please film that hey good fight listen man I have a podcast and uh we're regularly number 40 on iTunes and i' I'd be willing to to actually put this online if you would uh drink a gallon of milk do you think you could drink a gallon of milk I say can't do it film the whole thing and watch him start barfing wow well I don't know man you and I should be the ones to talk about that actually because we were there for the OPI and Anthony Big Bird challenge how much do you think that guy drank cuz he was in like the 70 shots a double shot just one double shot every every minute what's a double shot
I don't know what is a double shot is like that big how many ounces is that I don't know we'd have to find out the exact amounts he he drank 70 something shots of eggnog he got over yeah I think that's a gallon dude maybe seems like why do you think that just cuz I don't I'm toally two I'm completely making it up [ __ ] clue I would just think that if I bought a gallon of eggnog and I poured 70 people drinks from it I would be shocked I would be shocked that the economy of this gallon yeah you're right yeah he did it he did it he drank more than a gallon Pat from munaki Pat from munaki cuz if you watch the video of Pat from Waki hurling and I'm not going to play anything for you oh my God but you were there live with me I was there live we were there in the so was Norton so was opian Anthony was Redban there too redb was not there he was not there holy [ __ ] was it crazy oh my and smell and rck was there they had a kid named Pat Duffy this is what happened folks they had a they had this nutty eggnog drinking contest and Pat funaki who's a giant of a man he's an enormous enous was there another giant of a man huge enormous guy this paaki and he's the the current champ so he has keep keeping his [ __ ] Crown okay by the way he's diabetic so he has to immediately oh he's so crazy oh by the way by the way that's why Opie Anthony is the most awesomest Radio Show in the history of radio I mean that's just who the [ __ ] else would do that maybe well Stern would do that too um so anyway they have this [ __ ] guy path Waki who's you know he can only keep it in his system for a certain amount of time he's got to die he has to get rid of it he's got to die he's got to get rid of it cuz he could die like literally from sugar over stach and there's two yeah he has to give himself a shot of insulin so there's I mean a massive amount of [ __ ] going on he's still playing he let that stop still winning he's Domin Warrior so he um he says I'm GNA I'm going to blow soon I'm going to blow soon and then somehow or another I get this crazy idea where I say how about somebody leans over the garbage can and opens the mouth and he throws up in your mouth directly into your mouth and I'm thinking there's no way anybody I'm saying something ridiculous I'm saying something like when like when red band's on the podcast
and he says why don't you just eat your own poop he doesn't really mean he's trying to say something completely ridiculous for funny okay that's what I was trying to do I was thinking just for a joke why don't I say a joke about some you say you say something as a joke but they take you completely seriously well this Pat Duffy [ __ ] said I'm game this guy would do anything this guy would silence the room he catch a bullet with his dick thisal him saying I game was like a were like what and then someone said someone I don't remember if they said why it was happening who named it the baby somebody else it might have been Vin it might have been Vinnie brand it might have been Vinnie brand it was someone else was there some other person was there and bur was there yeah and um B came in just cuz he he watched it the year before and he said I want to be a part of that one this year those guys are so like no one will understand if you've ever done like a like a radio show that's been like rigid and stiff and the people aren't nuts you never understand OA bought a baby bird t-shirt I said [ __ ] it one of the only shirts I man here's another thing that happened on OA we convinced stalker Patty who's this uh crazy lady who comes to the studio who's Like a 49-year-old Virgin she's really nuts too we convinced her that she was on drugs we took uh you going to take a leak what are you doing we convinced her that um she uh had taken a drug did we had put a drug and no thanks man I'm good and completely psychosomatic started having massive hallucinations so Ari pulls his ball sack out your [ __ ] and balls or just your balls uh [ __ ] and balls [ __ ] and balls could be balls and she was sitting there like like we we had her completely convinced with like sound effects and [ __ ] that she was just tripping her balls they put they had somebody put a rabbit suit on run around the room once and then run out who was that I don't remember but it was it that was either Roland or rck that was one of those two guys rock it was good fun with a crazy person but what you did to take it to the next level so you pulled your [ __ ] and balls out which you probably could never do now cuz you did this before they uh got kicked off the air for that condalisa Rice thing remember that rap for them now yeah that homeless
guy said a lot of crazy [ __ ] like he wanted to rape condalisa rice and like you guys he didn't even say that what did he say he said he wants to love her hard he wants to love her till she loves it oh really yeah oh well that's it was inuendo for Ray possibly I I hear girls like that they like it if they love it I hear it too when they say I love when you do that they like that but that's not um that's not rape yeah is that what he said for real something like that yeah it was just taken out of context I thought he said something way more [ __ ] up than that I remember it being pretty racist and the queen too he was going to hold her down make her love him the queen Queen of England homeless guy he's a homeless guy who cares what he says yeah I just think um that's pretty funny why would they uh suspend the show for that that's so sick yeah but you gave me a look I was sitting at the because there wasn't enough room you gave I was sitting on the couch and you gave me a look and it was like oh am I welcome to do things here and those guys open Anthony were so cool that I was like cuz I knew I was only there hanging out with you but I was like I think they're okay if I play here yeah yeah yeah and they totally were oh yeah well they're all about there's never like a level you're not that's a good they never do that [ __ ] yeah that's a real good point like oh you're a comic you're a friend of his cool how are you yeah and well that's how some of their best guests come about and then they've they've made some of their best guests famous you know when I first started going to uh New York I couldn't get on their show man I was in Jersey yeah I wasn't Lan enough you know I was doing um oh they already had a show back there yeah they were doing the afternoons and I oh really I would do rascals rascals comedy in um in Jersey I forget where it was orange West Orange I think it was yeah West Orange and um really nice club but I but I you know it was hard to get people to come in back then cuz I was a nobody I was like headlining but I was on like hard ball you know what I mean like nobody nobody knew who the [ __ ] I was so I would do a show and it would be half empty um so but if you got on op and Anthony you packed that place like they
would always talk about J Moore J Moore did Opie and Anthony and it would just pack the [ __ ] club pack it she just wanted in yeah I was like well if I could get there God but I couldn't get on I wasn't I didn't have enough clout so once I started doing it it was like ah was so fun you know they're they're nuts man they've done some nutty [ __ ] stunts but this guy leaned over a trash can tilted his head back like he was getting his hair shampooed at at a barber Pat from Waki all 300 plus pounds of him this enormous man who has drank I believe it was 74 shots and I'm being conservative he beat the last guy then drank a couple more while the other guy got ready he kept going he B beat his own record and he was like yeah that's what he did he wants to beat his record then he goes all right it's time and he like all right that's about it that's all I got that's all I got and so this guy actually did what I suggested this Pat Duffy guy did Lean Over the barrel cuz that was a height of Fear Factor so it was like a perfect Fear Factor thing exactly and Pat from Waki did what can only be described as a comic book throw up in this this guy's mouth like nowhere in the world has anyone thrown up on a person the way he did it there's no way it's been done there's a still picture and it looks like he is enveloping got like a spider breaking down with his fluids I should also say that papaki also was a competitive eater oh was he okay yeah yeah he didn't just win this eggnog challenge he's been he's done one stop in the in the career the great career of he's had a career in competitive eating where he's been fairly successful he's an extraordinary man when it comes to volume so he's got this it [ __ ] this this broken fire hydrant spew coming out of his mouth where we're going no we're screaming and I I mean and it lasts it lasts way more than should be real it seems like it's photoshopped if we weren't there and if it wasn't from a bunch of different angles and shitty cell phone footage I think our version is up one of us had a cell phone that was recording it but it's it's so crazy gosh it's so crazy the the volume is so insane it doesn't it's so cartoonish it's so comic bookish it's just it's The Exorcist I mean it's insane and then after we left and there's barf
everywhere we were out of the studio 10 minutes later we're like Hey Ron and Fez enjoy this smell yeah no [ __ ] just left it to him yeah in these giant like big garbage pales filled with throw up and there's plastic all over the floor I mean stunk the air conditioner come and theft wouldit you it was chaos it was pre merger they had a lot more freedom back then you know and that was that was the regular radio version right yes yes that was FM was K Rock was krock in New York God that was awesome there was so much fun and then the rest of the day we were like in Bliss like we got to see something [ __ ] up yay we saw something [ __ ] up we were so like the equivalent I'm realizing now when you talked about the Bliss be cuz we were we were happy yeah it's the equivalent of when a girl blows you in the morning W and the rest of the day you just feel good that's pretty hot yeah it is it's close to it yeah we we had achieved this moment of like as especially as comedians yeah comedians want to see [ __ ] up things we want to see things that are ridiculous right after that we had the whole thing with Jamie Jamie uh Mada from the Laugh Factory who just by the way Dom just I did his his podcast over there and he goes while Jamie's there he goes Jamie how come you don't put Ari on he's got a follow I put them on I'm like Jamie it's cool if you don't but no you know you don't never here wow but like yeah but he's like okay I'll put you on now he's like actively trying to get me in there that's beautiful is completely our really nice of him to do that Dom's a good guy man and uh Dom quits drinking he quit drinking recently uhhuh and uh he's experienced like this Rejuvenation in the way he feels and about standup comedy yeah and doing the podcast a few times stand up is uh you know a lot of people coming out to see him from the podcast you know that that come up to him afterwards so yeah the the quitting the drinking thing [ __ ] Giants man oh yeah you have mine he's a great guy yeah he's an interesting Dude too and D rare is like the most honest don't give a [ __ ] guy left on Earth you know I his famous line that I always quote uh is um uh uh I wish I was gay just so I could come out of the closet That's how little I give a [ __ ] anyway if you go to my website AR the
great four free tracks go there and get four free tracks for nothing are you coming with me afterwards here to go see my uh Studio oh you going to see it let's go see that movie see it what movie the one you were talking about oh the Jewish movie The no the will farell movie oh yeah I would go see that okay let me I might have to do some baby [ __ ] though I've got uh the you know little girls I might have I might have I have to remember whether or not I committed to doing anything you get like sometimes say okay we'll go do that later and I don't remember and then my wife has to go you promise you would do that later like they get mad you can't disappoint you hear that [ __ ] oh that was that that came through yeah they get they get they get a little show cuz it means a lot to them that's the thing I'd be so worried about with kids you make an off-handed statement and they take it forever it doesn't matter you just you just you know just make sure that you don't disappoint them it's it's more of a responsibility but the the reward of it is amazing it's it's hard to really wrap your head around cuz I've been like you before you know I've been single and you know and be like the last thing I want to [ __ ] kid believe me I was like the voice of that before don't understand what it's like until you have that expence okay but here's I get that I get that there is a whole different side of it and there are benefits that I can't understand and there's negatives that I can't understand either I can just sort of wrap my head around but like um what was I going to say [ __ ] oh here the decision to whether or not you should have a baby should be thought of that should be thought of before randomly some girl says hey I'm pregnant oh yeah you should already be decided can we have a baby now or not not like wow maybe we should do this that's not the right time to think about it yeah my um the the 2-year-old was the one that we did on purpose and it was like planned out and everything and I I was happy for the the other daughter as well I mean super happy I remember when you told me about it as we were playing pool it was was crazy but super happy but but planning for one is kind of a different thing like you're planning like let's tryy and it sounds so gay we're trying to get pregnant like no you know she's
trying to get pregnant stupid [ __ ] her right you know what Doan we're trying to get pregnant we're pregnant no you're not you're not pregnant that's the trade-off we we have to pay you alimony for [ __ ] 40 years but we get to say we are pregnant it's just some beta [ __ ] it's just some beta [ __ ] that men fall into once they get their wife pregnant they become just testosterone drops it's really uh scientifically proven because you you you mimic their behavior sort of well you become a nester you know your testosterone drops when you're uh you're around babies around your wife and it's also try to probably try to calm you down to make you look a little bit more patient nature knows what the [ __ ] doing my I had a rabbi once in uh sixth grade Rabbi cat not crack but anyway he said uh the Reason God makes babies cute is so we don't kill them I used to do that in my ACT I said the reason yeah oxytocin what's oxytocin it's something that your your brain produces when you see your babies and it's it's just an incredible feeling of love and connection this this incredible drug it's the same drug that women uh that's releasing women when they're orgasm and the joke in my act and then it's keep you from eating them when you get really hungry uh that's the reason why a baby produces oxytocin like when you see them like you literally produces that in you a drug y you literally get drugged I mean it's all set up it's set up so that we keep breeding it's not it's not a you know it's not a an accident that when you're around a chick your dick gets hard you get all attracted to her and like this girl that has the superpowers that you're talking about you're talking about like a beautiful girl who's like she just thinks she's got a superpower she can walk into a room and everybody wants to [ __ ] her and so she's confused and she acts crazy but no one cares they willn't tolerate anything because she's built like Tracy Lords I think there's something to also the chemicals on you or something this this new girl that hangs out at the store she's this comic and everybody yeah everyone walks by her and she's not super gorgeous and she doesn't dress [ __ ] or anything she's just dirty but yeah she's just dirty she's a dirty girl and everybody walks by her and everybody's like what's that
girl's deal like I've heard a thousand Comics ask and it's just she's exuding something some chemical yeah there's girls that are just sexy man there's girls that are not that goodl looking but they're [ __ ] SE they give you a look something comes I don't know what it is by the way stud sex sex with them is always way better than sex with a girl who's really pretty but not into it you wanted someone to be into it yeah it's weird what what is even if you're chubby once the guy's willing to [ __ ] you let it all out don't worry about like oh you shouldn't look at this that's what I'm talking about Let It Go Let It Go baby we're happier there if he throws up he throws up exactly ain't Gunna yeah the the people used to love those porns where really fat guys would [ __ ] girls I remember there was a magazine called [ __ ] and slobs people like looking at hot girls [ __ ] like sloths yeah it was one of my favorite all time magazin great word CU it was slobs you're a slob it was dudes with like spaghetti stains on tank tops and [ __ ] with big fat stomachs they were dressed as slobs too oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah the the whole fantasy was that these dudes were just slinging dick a bunch of Mike blacks with ketchup oh way worse than Mike black Mike Black's a fairly handsome man we're talking about like really [ __ ] sweaty guys ah man yeah dude we've had some good times on the road some crazy [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] yeah dude well the the camaraderie that comes from being a standup comedian it's like it's it's hard for a lot like we talk about comedy all the time we talk about the art form of comedy and a lot of times people like why guys talk about comedy too much Rel you got to understand that for us it's like it's it sounds so stupid but it's almost like a sacred topic yeah but also there's things you can get from it too if you're listening like the way Greg Jackson talks about it he always ask me questions about standup yeah he's always like so what do you do when you're not doing well what do you do when mental games yeah but he's like he sees a similarities between what he's trying to train and what we're doing in all the Arts well there's a similarity in truth and if you don't hit the right notes in comedy it's clunky and awkward and steps on yeah we all know that like there's a
bit that you've done everybody's got a bit that if you heard it today you would cringe cuz you know it's clunky you got into it bad right well that that used to be like like approach that I would use with you know martial arts techniques like I had some bad approaches that I had like when I was a blue belt or a green belt that I would use in a that I would never use as a black belts they're they're they're terrible approaches they might work but they're full of mistakes they full you get you know you just attack you go wide open and St you can't do that you have to have faints and you have to have movement that that you have to learn what'll throw a guy off and what doesn't throw a guy off and there's you know moments where you look back on the the the beginning jokes just like just clunky dog [ __ ] material at listening can relate to that in something they've done where they were bad at something and now cuz if you're not you're a [ __ ] if if you've lived your life and never got good at something what the [ __ ] are you yeah what have you done you're crazy you've missed out on what's look it's hard to do [ __ ] it's it's difficult and it's scary but that's what friends are for friends cushion all that [ __ ] if you've got you know one of the things that Randy cure said really kind of a cool thing that he said about fighting he said that if you if you love your friends and love your family they're going to love you if you win or lose you don't have to worry about that but that is something that people think about like you you base your worth and your value on winning and it becomes too much of a big deal to you it becomes like yeah everything becomes your whole life I heard this about kids recently that you shouldn't say good job when they get a good grade or something because that is UN unintentionally instilling in them that they are only successful in your eyes or or good in their eyes when they're winning so when you want to create a team full of [ __ ] or what what the [ __ ] are you saying ja I'm hearing the baby books I think those baby books are written by [ __ ] that's possible who knows crazy [ __ ] who don't know [ __ ] about ra I'm just talking that's crazy I think people like to be reinforced I think positive
reinforcement for for job what they said were you're supposed to do is job well tried if they're trying hard that's what you're supposed to reward nonsense success that sounds like some socialist [ __ ] put into Target by liberals designed to slow down the marathon somebody doesn't want to see a sub three hour hour marathon whatever mile I was trying to 4 minute mile and a 3-hour marathon I think they all run under three that Paul Ryan character no they don't all run the like the Champions I mean yeah champ 220 23 that's why that Paul Ryan dude tried to sneak in that he ran a sub three-hour marathon and they called him on it he didn't oh no was 358 it was more than 4 hours it was documented why do the people lie all of them are so are you going to vote this year no you're not going to I'm not I'm thinking of not voting you've said in the past you think it's all ridiculous is this is the year if you really believe that then there's no reason to waste your day spend another day with your kids I I I think with the electoral college system that's in place and anybody that's telling me that Obama is better than Mitt Romney then Mitt Romney is the goddamn Holocaust if that's what you're telling me if you tell me that Obama is that Mitt Romney is is going to be worse than Obama when you think about all the [ __ ] that's happened in this country to civil liberties over the last couple years whether people aware of it or not it's almost like this country is tightening up and getting ready for civil war like they're getting scared that there's going to be civil unrest so they're putting all these things into place where they can spy on you and all these things in place that are [ __ ] completely unamerican and completely unconstitutional and then they went and reread the Constitution rewrote rather the Constitution they took out thing things that like posy coma Tinus I believe it is the the ability to use the military to to stop civil unrest the American Military yes the American Military can now be used to stop civil unrest they can now arrest you for for [ __ ] and they don't have to bring you to trial they can hold you as long as they want you have no recourse this is all for American that's the stuff we set up so that so cuz no cuz someone's going to
abuse that power exactly who it is they say they will never use it and Obama's like we'll never use this it doesn't matter how about how about someone that's big born right now who grows up in 40 years to become the president you're saying he'll never use it there's a reason why we had all this [ __ ] set up a long time ago to make sure that you didn't involve church and state I think we got to rewrite the constitution of course we we got to rewrite a brand new one cuz that stuff that happened years ago has nothing to do with us you can't have a constitution that was written before the internet that's nonsense the ability electricity yeah well the you know look they had they knew the concepts of classic societies they knew they knew the concepts of what was what was going to cause people to fall apart what's going to cause people to give in to their ID what's going to cause people to to be corrupt and to to to go wrong and so they prevented all that [ __ ] they prevented freedom of speech you got to be able to say whatever the [ __ ] you want to say you can't stop people from talking you got to let people Express themselves you get to allow people to protest you have to allow people to organize you got to let them be armed there's all these things they S in Place CU they knew because they know if you get all the arms we have none you're going to abuse that and that's something that liberal people don't want to accept the problem in this world is the gun problem no the problem is World there just crazy people yeah that's the thing you have to you have to allow for that there will be people you might not but some people will until then you have to defend yourself we have to if that's another sickness inet it's a sickness in society that we have to address why are we creating sick people why are we creating crazy people why are we creating violent people and that can be resolved with time and education and some form of action some form of social engineering I believe that you're going to be able to at least cut significantly down on the amount of [ __ ] and douchebags that are developed by by a civilization I think if we went from being barbarians to people that live in way more civilized now way more civilized now obviously right it's not even close so if you just extrapolate
100 years into the future you would assume that things continue to get easier and easier and easier I got to think that eventually we can but you know we're never going to be able to engineer out greed we're never going to be able to engineer out if someone has complete and total control over an entire city they will do something terrible they they just that's human nature and to say that well I would never do that it's like hold on why would you say you would never do that when so many people have done it you should say I'm glad I don't have that power because I probably would abuse it right because if you look at like what we've done you know as a human race just in military means or by military means over the last decade how much different is it really than what happened during the days of the Barbarian hordes you know the numbers are probably more significant like it seems more civilized on the surface but they're more effective at killing people they can kill massive numbers of people which like a bunch of people just died the other day I think it was in Yemen where they they they shot a bunch of civilians with one of those [ __ ] drones and they just killed 14 people 14 civilians that mean women and children they're getting jacked constantly by these things the whole there's thousands of people been killed by these drones wow that's that's a so they want to out that because that just allows for error too easily and no one has to like feel it well they're not no one's there's no significant voice to Outlaw these things now really I've heard people say those those that's one of the things I've heard about but yeah not in this country man you don't hear Mitt Romney saying it we're going to stop the drones we're going to stop those drone attacks no no no pick her people say it those people don't have a say we don't have any picker people those people he said do you think um President Bush This is how long it was he goes do you think President Bush cares about us protesting the war goes I think he thinks about the protesters the way we feel about the WNBA like sure it's annoying but let them feel like they're making a difference oh my God I can't believe you went there was P carbony retired from
Comedy why did he retire it wasn't making him happy after a while he just wasn't making money at it and he was like I got to do something he's would want to struggle for [ __ ] 145 spots at the store a lot of guys get close that grind is hard man the [ __ ] the grind when you're especially a grind in La yeah when you're like one of those upand cominging Comics you don't even have like Road gigs you can pick up for 50 bucks here and there you just want time you just want to perform for free for someone yeah I I view it as you know how when they're running and there's an explosion behind you or a tidal wave coming at you or like the bridge is falling behind you and people behind you are falling in yeah but you manag to make it off before it completely collapses yeah that's how view is standup comedy where there's some funny people that just didn't get a living enough to get them going and they fell off the bridge yeah I mean it's like anything else we all sucked at it at the beginning you just get it's the the reason why you can equate standup comedy to martial arts is because it's two things that you have to look at really realistically in order to get better at them you got to figure out how to [ __ ] make your way through the Maze and if you get somebody pregnant early it's going to be a lot harder [ __ ] yeah it is you know you might have quit I I almost definitely would have quit if I got somebody pregnant at 26 a year in well you think you would take you would take some time off for sure who comes back after time off who knows man Dana goul did really yeah Dana goul took a long time off he was writing for The Simpsons yeah but did he I think he was raising kids too I don't know I might have made that up imagine if he's gay I'm just making sure he a dog I think he I think he does have a family he did my Storyteller show once he he was one of those guys that was around uh in Boston he was ahead of me he was like a couple of years ahead of me already a professional no he comes like a lot of like Mary Lynn comes back they but they once they give it up you're never back in it it's not the same to you no it's just like your heart's not in it you're your your performance isn't is good yeah can't do it once in a month the the the People Like Us that are like real
hardcore standup Fanatics like we we despise people to quit like you quit and [ __ ] we try to be like oh no that's cool I'm glad you're happyy now you know we're looking at you like [ __ ] you're giving up the greatest drug in the world it's just you can't take the ride the ride is just too bumpy not even you [ __ ] but just like oh you're not one of us anymore to a degree yeah how could you not be one of us so long yeah I got to be careful when I'm around guys like stand up or St hope rather what cuz I want to start doing mushrooms in front of him you want to start you're on a guy like that you you do mushrooms and drive home and drive home yeah that's a problem that's a problem you're like I I hav had the training he has yeah one of our friends which will go let's say he his name rhymes with SMY Wavo yeah was on a crazy mushroom dose and he was driving home and the the road in front of him turned into flower pedals wow oh my God it's like as he was driving it's just flowers were flying off of his wheels and flowers were in front of him yeah could you imagine I did it once it wasn't that bad but just once where was d I thought it was done cuz I was doing in someone's apartment um and I was like all right I'm good I'm going to go home it's been 5 hours and then I'm driving I looking at a sign but it's like that like that picture behind you it has a lot of colors and it just started swimming when I was at the light like everything start and I was like a [ __ ] I feel like mushrooms is too dangerous to drive on oh [ __ ] yeah we all do it but mushrooms is yeah mushrooms are real uh it dissipates reality it gets reality to a place where you're like I don't know if you can manage this you you you might be experiencing something that's absolutely not there at all yeah yeah you could just drive over a [ __ ] cliff think you're on a water ride you know yeah that's what I mean it's like it's you never quite lose reality but you sort of get close like you don't lose where you are 100% I'm going to Cap City by the way when are you working there 2 weeks the 14th I think September 14th let me see nice September 14 is the [ __ ] what days you there the theid 15th oh Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday days son four days yeah dude four days the 12th
through the 15th holy [ __ ] dude you're a legit comic now you are you're a legit headlight I feel like I'm in places now it's you're legit headline [ __ ] cool man you're headlining the Cap City comedy club in Austin Texas that's legit as it gets man as a stand up comedian that and the Comedy Works in Denver if you want to talk about like the independent clubs that are like super legit Cap City Super legit you there you're a real you're a real comic there's five rooms that I that I have put on my like my favorite five rooms for like a long time yeah um the O at The Comedy Store Cap City yeah Denver Comedy Works DC Improv just cuz where was my first road room well as far as the vibe room in Toronto Austin might have the best vibe in the history of the universe yeah it's so cool that's why filmed that um that what what do we call it my butthole video oh yeah when you had a problem what we call the J clam the J clam video your booty hole problem um in the green it yeah just an awesome they're cool they're one of the cities that that gets it they're smart enough to get it but cool want to be laidback about it somebody [ __ ] up in that club and painted over all the writing in The Green Room like some [ __ ] decided there was too much writing on the wall you had like did 30 years of History who did that it was fun to look at even if you don't know anybody some dummy there was people that were dead that wrote on that wall a lot of them including Hedberg oh who who paid it over it some silly [ __ ] how dare you you [ __ ] that was historic it's not as historic as the Atlanta punchline because the Atlanta punch line has that one thing that says quit trying to be Hicks you know if you write something on the wall someone's gonna write something shitty after it yeah so many dud try to be Hicks Hicks as far as like influencing comedians Hicks influenced comedians the wrong way more than than anybody yeah cofman caufman was pretty bad yeah but they didn't like go on stage and like self righteously to the crowd they didn't do that they didn't think they were better than you cuz they were trying something experimental yeah well not only that like there was some [ __ ] they just wrote in Popular Science magazine 5 minutes ago and they're yelling at the crowd that they don't
know it cuz you're at home watching [ __ ] Rosanne you know sitting in the couch and then they always do this they always say this not a lot of times they'll be like oh too edgy for you and no idiot no one laughed cuz it wasn't funny just sucks stupid too edgy for you how come you're [ __ ] dummy drop an nbob on stage eight times in a row on purpose just for the sake of it just get [ __ ] yeah this that's just as fake as like fake clean comedy yeah exactly I have no thoughts of that yeah it's just it's and part of it is you know sometimes people don't look at themselves that objectively so they don't know that what they're putting out there is so stupidly offensively dumb they don't know they don't even know just just clunking it clunk CLK clunk it's it's it's hard when you watch someone go on stage I I worked in Vegas with this guy once he was supposed to do like 20 minutes he did 45 45 minutes and it was the some of the worst [ __ ] comedy I have ever seen in my life it was so bad that by the time I got on stage I was like there's nothing funny there's no nothing is funny nothing you couldn't even believe in funny yeah it's like when we hang out together like we do gigs at the ice house especially like if we're board mood yeah but but when we're doing that we're in a good mood yeah we're shooting the [ __ ] and then we go on stage and you're like so many things are funny yeah there some of the best shows ever there's funniness everywhere yeah but if you're working with someone who sucks it it's like if you're at a job with someone who's a douchebag it's the difference between being in a job and someone who's fun like if you had to work with Joey Diaz all day you'd be laughing I mean once a month he'd yell at you but you got to deal with that mostly great he'll yell at me over like [ __ ] nonsense the one day that he came in was [ __ ] screaming about ranch dressing [ __ ] ranch dressing somebody gave him Ranch well he was just talk he made a t-shirt about it he sold like a thousand [ __ ] t-shirts it's uh it's blue cheese with wings or go [ __ ] your mother his famous line he just gets so mad about blue cheese yeah blue cheese please that kind of guy you know like that's the kind of you know like to be
able to hang out with people like that like there's a lot of people that would never understand a guy like that but for a guy like us like a stand up another standup comic cuz like it's like a a buoy in the ocean like it's like you you you're gravitated towards him to save you I mentioned him on OA I mentioned Diaz cuz I was like Diaz told me this thing once they're like oh yeah Jo Diaz how's we haven't seen him in Forever they're like he's so good at telling stories and I'm like yeah he's sure [ __ ] is he sure is he's an unusual human so important to to find those [ __ ] people it's so hard it's it's a it's one thing that I've developed a skill for I know how to Wrangle people together I know how to Wrangle a bunch of cool people together it's it's hard it's hard to find like cool interesting people it's hard to like accumulate a I've got you got to cut all the [ __ ] out you got to cut them all out it's like pruning a tree it's hard the problem is it's hard when the [ __ ] are like not somehow related to the cool people oh yeah that's prob you're like oh that's your best friend a brother or best and you're like oh so he comes with you but I don't want him I just want you and he's like snipy he says like snipy [ __ ] girlfriend's shitty parents something like that yeah and he's like I don't want to hang with him at all you don't have to do the actual words just there's a balance to this world man people don't realize it those those Cy people there they're directly their cess directly proportionate to how happy they I just walk away from them now I treat them as like wild animals like if there was a dark a barking dog I would cross the street before going in front of that yard it's just like I'm not going to get through to you dismiss him oh what the [ __ ] is this do you have any interest I bought a ticket for you of Louis seeing Louis C K doing new stuff tonight um at The Comedy Store main room oo I might be into doing that I got to see I got to see we'll get off the podcast okay toxic [ __ ] I got to do okay it's at midnight when sheep oh wow that's pretty late yeah yeah why is he doing a show at midnight is he doing an early show too no just a late show doors open at 11: huh I think there's already a show in there and he goes I don't want to I'll sell it out late so [ __ ] it let just too
late it's also new jokes so it's it's so cool that he's doing that man and he said you can only buy tickets only buy tickets live and um with cash so that nobody counterfeits anything whoa so the door guys have to like stay there and like sell tickets like in the cover boo so nobody counterfeits anything he's to deal with not counterfeiting um scalping oh yeah he's had to deal with that a lot I guess so he's trying to overcome that with the tickets so you have to actually wait in line to buy the tickets no just walk up to the booth get them oh but that means you're there going to be a line though that's annoying they put it online and there was no more than a three person line they were just whipping people through really yeah and there's an ATM right on the corner right next to the main room there's an ATM there so why AR they just paying gold I don't know it's so weird it's like cash I like do I have the cash on me I guess that sounds like he's going to get robbed yeah what if someone's gangster in in that neighborhood they know there's a lot of cash now son you gave up the goods notice that gangster has become a black guy where it used to be like a Italian yeah gangster yeah they took it they did another thing they've stolen besides our wallets whoa Ari that was like sounded too harsh was you were acting insulting me I did this guy once some when I didn't know the line we're talking about rookie mistakes and stuff I didn't know the line of how you can like be mean but say it in the smile I learned a lot from watching Don bars when he call these grandmothers like filthy [ __ ] but he do it with such a smile I don't know how we quite he exudes this like I'm clearly joking yeah and they these old ladies would love it they'd be howling in front of their granddau it was just great I could always see him do it bar knows how to do it yeah well he experienced performer you and I would do it sometimes with black people I'm like what's up black people but say in a friendly enough way they was all cool I remember this one door guy one time saw this black lady in the front row and goes what's up you black [ __ ] oh my God was like well it quered the room for the entire night for the next 5 hours everybody was having weird sets wow yeah that can happen man
when people can be like a little off cuz there something [ __ ] up someone says yeah so some guy came in one time with his girlfriend I was on stage at the store in middle of the show it's fine to come in lar and uh I was like hey what's up how are you nice see with your [ __ ] and I was like and the guy's like what the [ __ ] your problem and I had to like damn it now I'm stuck in this thing yeah you're just trying to come up with something funny to say you didn't mean to say it sounded wrong it sometimes they come out and you're like nope that wasn't it that didn't sound yeah especially when you do like what you and I do it's like you go you go on stage just's a lot of [ __ ] around there's a lot of AD liing and that's how you come up with new material you know to get like the the bridges between subjects like sometimes are different every night you know and in doing so loose natural and conversal yeah and sometimes in doing so you also create these like weird improvisational paths where you go on some completely new angle you're like oh my God this is the new part to the bit this is important so yeah it's important to me to be able to [ __ ] around but sometimes you know especially when you you know if you have a new subject you're not exactly sure where you're going with it you just take a stupid chance and you're like oh no it's been like 2 minutes on a dark path and you're like oh there's a wolf around here that's going to eat me a wolf of boredom on the crowd you just get [ __ ] stuck there [ __ ] stuck in a [ __ ] topic you ever start a topic and then you're in the middle of it and you want to bail like no and you go how do I get out of this I told somebody that the laugh fact the other day at doing one of their employee shows uh I I started down a path and I was like you know what guys I don't want to do that I have this whole thing about this but I'm going to I'm going to talk about something else is that cool I'm like all right wow okay that's funny it was already getting laughs it was already doing fine but I was just like nah that's funny yeah I guess it all depends on your level of enthusiasm plus I got 12 minutes there and this is a seven minute bit so it's like do I want to commit this BR percentage of this this time to this what made you decide
to bail on it I no I wanted to work on something else oh okay and I was like I could just do this right now but it' be just me just doing it right right right right and I need to work on this other thing you know it's fresher and it's I that's my plan I need to develop things you know right yeah that's the that's the way to go man do do you spend a lot of time actually writing not writing I'll write over like uh notes little notes get in front of your computer and get high and just start writing and just takes a while and don't try to write jokes just try to write just write and just sometimes I write as standup and sometimes I write as like if someone was reading a book preconscious yeah but you there's things that come out way said just start writing just start writing and then we'll see what happens cuz there's things that come out when you're doing that when you're there's things that come out makes you put yourself in the place right well you it comes out everywhere it comes like comic comedy will come out when you're driving your car you'll have an idea you you have to write it down but when you actually force yourself to sit down and think about things it's not always that it works but you actually put the time in yeah I got a new bit right now man that I'm so [ __ ] happy with really oh my God it's destroying and it's something that I wrote I wrote on a plane and I I and it it came to me it's one of the rare moments where it came to me with almost too much stuff there's too many punchlines it's it's just too killer there just too much it's is this subject that I I'm really pissed off about and so it's like a 10 minute subject and I just have to keep remembering it because it's brand new so but it's like and there's this one boom and then this one bang it's like I've got this new which to me is even more fun because you're excited about it that's why they kill the most cuz like I really feel great about there's no acting in me at all it's all pure emotion it's pure emotion and the the it's it's it's right it's on something it's got something to it something that said it clear to me a little bit was when Tom was telling me about something Bill bur told him about writing new material right and he was like how do you write that long and he
broke it down to like 5 minutes a month which always embarrasses everybody yeah um but then he was like where do you come up with stuff he goes I don't know stuff what do you care about and you're like yeah that's it just what do you care about yeah that's all it is what's on your mind what's going on you traffic what's what what what do you care about lately yeah the [ __ ] line of this place or yeah bad foods you're supposed to eat or not supposed to eat or just whatever right and you got to be paying enough attention to actually care yeah and that's what's interesting what interesting is always where it could just be about the way your sheets Bunch up on you if that's what really makes you angry or or happy or whatever then that's what you care about that's okay maybe so yeah you'd have to be really interesting I into sheets I'd way rather hear about comp like Jim gaffan can make bacon funny that's true for like Jim GA can make sheets funny too yeah yeah no for him that's it's just not for me or for you it wouldn't work but yeah yeah it's it's what's what you know and that's what defines you as makes you interesting or not it's like what kind of things these are the things that are on my mind that's what I'm talking about son standup comedy R Fe Cap City Comedy Club this September what what are the days it's the 12th through the 15th keep it together [ __ ] man it's a dark Road out there ladies and gentlemen but we're all on it it's not even dark it's actually pretty awesome if you lived in the Christy Dallas somebody could transport you to today you think you're living in a [ __ ] dream oh yeah be totally different I [ __ ] medicine how about just how about when you have sex with a dirty prostitute you don't die wouldn't that be sweet wouldn't that be sweet if you just didn't die yeah one day we'll have like you'll catch like ganaria and instead of having to jab that thing in you that they get gum gar gum they Rave The Wand Over You Like St trck you'll be it'll be an app on your cell phone you stick your your cell phone near your dick and it'll cure it it'll zap it it's ridiculous we live in the best [ __ ] time ever and everyone's depressed why because look at our future it's [ __ ] mitt ROM guy he's going to win too white people are angry you think
M Ram is going to win [ __ ] that's how the play is supposed to play out you think so it doesn't matter corporations win no matter who who's in place that's the only reason why ridiculous corporations are winning what really matters man is state and local elections and your friends and people you care about yes and what you do for a living you dirty dirty [ __ ] enjoy yourselves cuz you're not going to make a big difference in the [ __ ] system you're still just a person you know yeah just one dude and you'll be dead and gone forever so enjoy it while you're here the only way we can make a difference is talking about [ __ ] and having a new generation of people who don't grow up to become the [ __ ] that the people that are run in this country are that's the only way it's the only way so by this conversation by this podcast alone you influence the youth AR fear and set them in a good direction I should also influence you uh on yum Kipper please get my album uh revenge for the Holocaust what a perfect time to launch a comedy album with you as a spider with a star David juice spider Hitler and uh that's going to be available on iTunes and AR theeg great.com is his SE your website or.com they're both there same you go to the same thing I like Ari the great though it's cool but yeah I I'm sending you four MP3s me anybody who goes on my website there want them well go to Ari shir's website Ari theg great.com and get yourself some [ __ ] MP3s it's some solid goddamn standup comedy for one of the best in the country I've seen them develop from a goddamn com yeah it has huh to a real professional your real fatherly like that Al all no no I'm happy as a friend though I think it's awesome as fun you must I asked my rabbis about this like when you come to Israel and then people start to get more religious do you feel like you've accomplished something and he's like yeah you do like you help build something well I definitely um I'm happy when I'm around uh Comedians and I give them advice and they get better but they don't not everybody listens you you listen better than anybody that ever took on the road with me if I would tell you I'm like you got too many words in that man you would like you're right [ __ ] and you would just go sharpened up and and think about it and redo things
you know people have told me things that I didn't want to hear and uh some of them i f and some of them I listen to some of them were uncomfortable But ultimately people especially in the beginning can like Point things out to you it's up to you whether or not you can see them and listen some told me that I was looking down the whole time uh Mark Madison told me that I used to do that too look up you're talking to the crowd I was like oh yeah it helps just little things like maybe you're right instead of [ __ ] you you don't know what they talking about I I looked down way too much for a long time I did it for years yeah just think what if it's not good or bad that you do that that this that you were wrong in the past what if it's just you can improve yeah do it like that but you were really good at listening you were really good at uh changing too Taking Chances you know that's why you're you're still producing like constant new material if there's anything that always bugs us about someone that we know it's a guy who's got the same jokes for 10 years it's sad it's like man you don't have anything new to say you got to have some new [ __ ] man good I've heard got to have some new [ __ ] you know guys that's the reason I shaved my beard is cuz dice was the last draw like shave your beard I was like why I like for your act and I was like whoa and then I was like instead of like you're a dice like he always is I was like if Andrew Dice Clay the legend of Andrew Dice Clay is telling me that it's good for my ACT I'm like hey why and he goes you're expressive and people can't see your expressions and I was like it doesn't make sense it's gone I don't want to stop that you look like a crazy dirt bag with crazy beard and I think that might be worth also that might be worth more you can see my Expressions the whole beard moves yeah I don't think if dice I don't think dice gets that I want to get rid of it anyway bearded dirt bag look you definitely look younger isn't it weird you look younger everybody always says when you shave your beard you look younger but you really do for whatever reason he more innocent babies are crying shit's going on all right ladies and gentlemen uh tomorrow we will uh join Freeway Ricky Ross the real Rick Ross he's uh joining us again on the podcast every day he's
hust that's the fake Rick Ross yeah you got the real one we got the real one the guy who this guy pretend is pretends to be the guy who went to jail for selling cocaine the guy whose cocaine sales funded the uh conses versus the Sistas Nicaragua what yeah yeah yeah that's how the this they that's the whole Ali North thing they were funneling they were selling drugs and to raise money for it like having a bake sale exact but with coke with Coke and they would so they would get the coke Bravo America way to think outside the box they would get the coke to the poor communities wow and uh and everybody wins everybody wins oh then we all go dancing so this guy got out of jail and there's a rapper that's got his name I mean his his name is Rick Ross and he was Freeway Rick Ross he was known as being this huge I mean I remember ask if he killed anybody ever no disrespectful okay I wouldn't do that um but the guy has been in the you know he was in the the drug trade for years got all over the news I mean it was like a big deal it's like one of those things like when rappers call themselves Capone you know like Matt Capone is he the one that was on Time Magazine with like drugs holding him up when that's when the government was like go after that guy I don't think so oh I don't think that's the case um he was uh he was trying to stay like as lowkey as possible but he got busted but uh the story is just insane that he's got a rapper that's he's out he's out and free and there's a rapper out there with his name yeah and so he's like trying to sue the raer the same name like no it's my personality you're taking yeah well the Not only was even crazier the rapper used to be a corrections officer oh really he was a prison guard which is really nutty wow yeah it's the whole thing is crazy he's building his album is like the greatest thing of all time he's on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine look around right there right behind you look at that Rolling Stone you see that Rolling Stone that's him man I bought that Rolling Stone just for the real Rick Ross cuz to talk about it he's got he's got he's got tattoos of Abraham Lincoln from the dollar bill from the five and George George Washington from the one yeah that's a new thing that black dudes are doing is they're covering their whole bodies Tri
says it and I agreee black dudes look better in tats but this is a weird thing it goes with the skin better the rapper thing where they cover everything and they go they cover their face and they down his the back of his palm all tatted up it's got a weed leaf on it but that didn't exist before isn't that weird you go back to like the superfly days cuz they have to keep outdoing each other I did a joke that never was able to work but it's like every [ __ ] grandmother has a tattoo now it's not a big deal so now what we're going to have to do is go to the next stage which with the ear things you know the ear things they push out yeah and so then that's going to become Blas and then we're going to have to do the plates that the African people had in their necks we're going to see that in our lifetime someone going to have black dudes are like especially famous dudes are doing a lot of face tattoos yeah a lot of like stars and [ __ ] and like I like it it's like [ __ ] it I'm not going to have a regular job d one dude got a ice cream cone on his face yeah I remember that who's that guy some rapper yeah it's not a white thing no well you could you you'd be there was a guy a bodybuilder that I saw at the airport that had a whole face tattoo he had a Tyson thing one of those New Zealand Tyson tattoo things Sor did a great joke about it like if you got to face that too because you want no interaction with any other human forever something along those lines something along those lines me yeah that's obviously you want to scare everyone you come in contact with that yeah yeah isn't it weird we like we have certain spots in our body that mean certain things if you start tattooing your face we we've all agreed no no you get nutty son but over here on the wrist that's okay oh that's nothing that's cute the ankle it's cute it's sweet you know know the the chain link around the bicep yeah that one chain link you can't get in these ribs yo bro that [ __ ] solid steel dog barb wire solid steel dog arthe great.com you dirty [ __ ] follow Ari on Twitter Ari shafir with two FS that's a r i s h a f f i r dude good luck with the CD and I got like 10 weeks on the road coming up check my website for all of them when are you leaving when are you leaving for the road I got a wedding this weekend but
then the next one is the the the 12th or the 14th are you gone like weeks at a time are you going to do that thing or you going to doing once I'm doing I'm doing um Toronto and then straight to Indianapolis that's a 10day run but the rest of them are all back for see if you can come in right before Toronto maybe we can are you going to be here at it all yeah right got three days before that let's do that let's do another one let's do another podcast cuz that's right before and by the way that's I'll have my studio up and running by then okay at least the beginnings of it I you know any input you got on Twitter anybody knows anybody who knows anything about building a studio cuz I got a a dope ass office space now I'm ready to oh it's going to be killer dude maybe that's Tuesday after after this after punch Dr I can't wait to have like a it's going to be like a ravenite social club sort of a thing you know what I'm saying what do you mean like just the way you said it like have loungy places and have beers pool table there I'm a pool table there couch big screen TV I'm going to have it a real cool spot and then I'm going to have the studio like where where everybody sits down as comfortable as possible I think we figured out now I think in doing the Ice House studio and doing this studio and you know doing like Duncan setup and doing my old setup we know what you need now yeah yeah yeah it's like the way they brought Todd Glass in to tell them how to build helium or different clubs it's like no I know what's necessary please trust me is I've been through it yeah so I I waited till yeah Comfort and you can't have like loungy chairs you got to have office chair far back these are the kind of chairs and these these microphones are real good but the better ones are these uh these other ones that I got here this [ __ ] yeah these are a little weird Shores it's tough cuz Shores are like less directional this is this has too much of a sweet spot and then there's another one that Don Imus uses this thing right here it's got a built-in sound guard I'm going to try these next and these are the ones we have at the ice house but I'm also going to try um there's ones that I saw on the Don IMA show I forget the names of them but they are the supposed to be the best for that kind of [ __ ] for radio and you
don't have to put a wind screen over them and and maybe you get a clearer sound some people don't like the windscreen because it's like it gives you like a little bit of a filtered sound like Kevin Smith he takes the the windscreen off when he came over he doesn't get no he knows how to do it he knows how to manage it but he just feels like it's really him that way otherwise this is like a muted I don't like the headphones sometimes why is that one they hear my ears if I have my glasses on so do you hear a difference between this and this is there a difference yeah there's a total difference difference this sounds better actually sounds clear God damn it these [ __ ] stupid condoms you know say Pete Piper Pats a Piper whatever say something like that with a lot of peas or teas in it Peter Piper packed to pickle peppers it sounds better it's a little pop but not much but it sounds like a real person right I mean think the mic you use on stage doesn't have wind screens sometimes they do on top yeah right but those aren't good yeah this sucks told me get wibe I'll try with Mar told you to get something he probably told you to get the second best thing probably held held back whatever the first best thing was oh no he was very very nice about it I want no part of this he was very foring Mar and I friend no I saw last time I saw him I gave him a hug I saw me and B saw him last night at at the UCB and B said it he goes if Mark Maron is the nicest person there something's wrong there's an attitude going on yeah everybody says that about the UCB I don't go there I don't know how much perceived I've been there before yeah but I remember reading like um something somewhere where it was like a forum like a forum blog or something like that or Forum post where someone said why is Joe Rogan at the UCB I like oh yeah we do that once what was that that's so weird like was Matt put it together just like a good show that's not what I mean I mean it's like it's so weird there's a type you they know about this type goes here and that type goes there you're like dude there's a lot of overlap Bry Stevens is everywhere it's so silly it's just so silly you know yeah like people are surprised hean Edwards really broke it down to me yeah I met him I was opening for Paulie doing that doing that
sketch movie that um that hurts just hearing it yeah take your condom off after feel it feel dirty that uh that um Comics Natural Born com whatever that video was take that thing out take take the condom off okay yeah and um oh that's better and uh you can see where you have to talk into too [ __ ] these um but I saw him and he did the Orlando OV and the Miami Improv mainstream clubs and he was very funny at those clubs and then I heard his going to the UCB on their big alternative night and I was like really performing there he goes I do all the time I didn't know he come from New York been there forever and I'm like what what kind of material do you do in front of those people and he stopped and he goes dude crowds is crowds it's true they don't care and I was like who for the most part but you know what a lot of the people they do get a little elitist if they there a few of them and the ones that write online and stuff yeah but there's also crowds don't know if they figure if you're there you're supposed to be there and they like cool we'll laugh they don't really give a [ __ ] yeah I don't know why anybody would restrict themselves to one type of Comedy you know I've always been um a fan I mean I think anybody who knows this podcast knows that I'm a fan of some pretty crazy science and extraordinary ideas when it comes to quantum physics and the nature of the universe and nature of reality I like a lot of like pretty head twisted up deep [ __ ] about just the very nature of matter itself but I love stupid comedy yeah it's fun yeah sure it's fun my first MC week for this guy Brett leak do you remember him Brett leak remember had muscular distrophy and then it got like worse and worse he was a killer observational comic really did Tonight Show probably 10 15 times but he said it was him and then some lady who did relationship comedy in the middle and then me need being filthy I'm seeing and he goes I like a different kind of show yeah so the DC Improv and he goes I like three different people so nobody overlaps yeah I agree man I'm not I'm not into the same kind of Comedy all the time I like a Mitch Hedberg who was like squeaky clean and then I'm like yeah squeaky and then I like Joey Diaz talking about clean like Joey Diaz talking about pinching a foil out of
some girl's [ __ ] she's bagging her the ass and he felt foil at the tip of his dick foil so he reached in with his fingers pulled it out put it on his desk and put his dick back here he's just the craziest [ __ ] of all time every time I'm with him I just have this big smile like I can't believe this guy's my friend he gets you going oh this is what Bert said so he's meeting him for for coffee right and he goes other people come up and he takes he goes I think he just sits there all day long and like has people come meet him and just throughout the day he just sits like an old Italian guy who was drinking coffee bur CER met who Joey Diaz oh where in the valley somewhere for in noo oh that's hilar no Joey can't sit still for very long he's got [ __ ] to do maybe he might have done it for but he takes his phone calls and he [ __ ] not texts he doesn't text but he calls what you doing okay the one minute phone calls he's a king of he's a legit businessman though you got to think about that now Joey's got like real money he's doing great on the road Jo I mean Joey is killing them on the road he convinced me to put my that last story T show on online yeah no go just put just $2 just throw it up it's beautiful why not it's beautiful what you know seeing him get to number one on iTunes was [ __ ] incredible he sold like 35 40,000 copies of that CD just for himself yeah and by the way he's selling these testicle Testaments he's selling these other things on iTunes which are [ __ ] fantastic he does new hour and a half to two hours of story on something every month and they're [ __ ] tremendous and they're great if you're in your car and you're driving to work or something like that God slap one of those on you'll just have a big stupid smile on your face it's half hilarious and half like really deep [ __ ] yeah he's awesome listen we're lucky man we're lucky we know a lot of comedians yeah we are for sure where you at this weekend I'm at a wedding oh poor K Cod I'm at The Comedy Store in the factory on Friday Cod Massachusetts somebody made you go across the country for their stupid [ __ ] voodo I know the bride and the groom but yeah I know I felt bad about it Jesus you going to bring breast trips I'm no I'm going to bring marijuana a lot of marijuana yeah I told them too I was like you know
going to be on drugs on there they like absolutely they knew it it's casual they knew you were going to be high yeah you going to have an edible probably not super strong I don't want to go I don't want to get Bonkers but you don't want to get social anxiety but I don't want to [ __ ] yeah the social anxiety no that's if I don't go on something I'll have it yeah you want to be high enough where it's cute I can relax yeah you're like oh this is sweet they're getting married maybe I'll cry when they say they're I'm a romantic even though I don't believe in that [ __ ] I'm still like something tugs at me when I see it once in your life find her yeah no you are man you're a sweetie I've seen you with chicks too you're very affectionate guy yeah a lot of people would think that AR shaffir's got a cold heart I'm not all dicks not he's just been battered around a few times and he's a little little bruised in the the outside but deep inside somebody asked me this recently they're like who hurt you and I like all of them every one of them is that what you want to hear they all made me who I am okay write that down and say that on stage that's very important you need to write that down some REM that's a bit yeah's we'll get off this [ __ ] podcast notebooks now it's EAS write that down write that down all of them who hurt you all of them are you happy all of them all right you [ __ ] dirty freaks tomorrow the real Rick Ross and um Brian Redban will return revenge for the Holocaust September 25th buy that [ __ ] you know what to do you freaks what is it how much is it $7.99 Jesus Christ ladies and gentlemen on iTunes go buy that [ __ ] um uh and uh that's it the [ __ ] show's over you freaks thanks to oh thank you man always always good time man thanks to ting.com foring us up T yeah we Sorry Tang we kind of [ __ ] you I will tell you this I'll help make it up I will give serious thought to Tang I'm done with my [ __ ] Verizon contract now and I was waiting for the new iPhone to come out but if I get one of those Samsungs before they go off the market yeah get this before Apple [ __ ] them because they're going to this thing is the [ __ ] man I'm I'm it's really huge I'm enjoying the size like for things thinner thinner than the iPhone um yeah it's definitely thinner it's definitely
thinner this way yeah it's just wider I don't know anything about it like battery life or anything yet you just got it yeah I'm totally talking out of my ass I'm just right now I'm just like I've done nothing go take your piss son I haven't done nothing uh like where I could tell you that this is an awesome device but it looks dope as [ __ ] all right folks so go to rogan.com and uh when you go there and you sign up you'll get a $50 credit towards a new device and uh like I said we we are only supporting things on this show that we 100% believe in whether it's uh you know going to Des squad. TV and buying uh t-shirts to support uh Brian Redban in the podcast Network um whether it's uh to go to ting.com and support them Ting is a is a company we believe in their philosophy and uh we you know we we we're behind it uh on it.com we're behind them 100% I'm I'm a part owner in on it because I I love the philosophy behind the organization and I love what the idea of selling things that I buy and things that I absolutely 100% uh in joy and uh benefit from like alpab brain and Trum Tech and new mood and the hemp Force protein powder which is my favorite protein powder on Earth and kettle bells and battle ropes which you know I do all day because I'm manly as [ __ ] so go to on on it.com that's o NN it and if you use the code name Rogan you will get 10% off any and all supplements and um that's it so uh go to Des squad. TV go buy yourself some [ __ ] shirts uh go to higher primate. comom if you want high- primate. that's my t-shirt company and I have u a bunch of different t-shirts including a Joey Diaz if you're not high by 2: in the morning or 2 in the afternoon go [ __ ] yourself t-shirt that's available at on it we just restocked and uh that money of course goes to a big part of it to the great one Joe Diaz so you support joaz can we get a worst of the whites t-shirt worst of the whites yeah that's for you that should be the wor who would you say the Italians were the worst of no Armenians Persians Armenians the worst of the whites I don't think you want to make that in a T-shirt form how you do that [ __ ] you up I love Armenians man they will [ __ ] you up wild people yeah you need a better saying yeah we we but for you yeah we definitely should put out an
Rish shafir t-shirt what it should be if you could have an R shafir t-shirt you must have said something [ __ ] up you know what people contact us on Twitter tell us the most [ __ ] up thing because sometimes people put things like in Message Board posts in quotes or on Twitter in quotes but I completely that I write people what was the context what you what was that about yeah we look we appreciate the [ __ ] out of it I um I say this all the time but I only say it because it's 100% true I the the thing that I'm most Blown Away by is uh the amount of [ __ ] cool people that we meet at these shows it's it's it's amazing I um I don't understand it I don't uh I don't know how it all happened but uh I do know that uh we're truly truly thankful and yeah you got a lot of cool people I want to say humbled by it but it is that is the word it's like whoo like these are this everywhere we go everybody says says the same thing these are the nicest crowds the most generous crowds they always tip well they drink well and tip well look U we're we're happy as [ __ ] that we're connecting with you guys like that and then every message that I get where people say hey man because of you I started drinking kale shakes in the morning I lost 50 pounds I'm working out for the first time start overcoming like your the the drive to not change and once you overcome like oh what am I what was I resisting yeah what am I resisting and it's also having people in this conversation they tune in and they're a part of it even though they're not saying they might be saying something in their car they're like yeah [ __ ] that [ __ ] [ __ ] that guy's an [ __ ] there's a lot of people live in a town of 2000 and there's four cool people there and they tune into to this and say oh fine someone else is out there like this we recognize that this is an important part of your life this [ __ ] show will always remain free this show will always remain completely uncensored if I tell you something it's cuz I believe it even if I'm wrong it's I believe that [ __ ] go to the low Barrow theater this Saturday night or this Friday night in Santa Barbara dunking Trussell just added to the show we are so not [ __ ] around that is the lero theater in sacrament or in Santa Barbara rather this someone's calling me who the
[ __ ] is calling me Bob fiser from The Ice House powerful Ice House powerful um so that's it folks we will see you tomorrow from the Ice House ironically with the real Rick Ross um on it.com use a code name Rogan go and by the way you guys the way you give back to us is by coming to our shows yeah list we love Bigg payback we can ever get and by the way the quite honestly that's a nice absolute benefit the biggest benefit for TR for True is knowing that people are enjoying it you know when I run into people even that that don't come to my shows if I run into at the mall or something like that like dude I'm a huge podcast fan that makes me feel [ __ ] great if you if I'm doing something and you're enjoying it I'm happy that's that's how I believe life should be all right you [ __ ] freaks this show's over peace love and mushrooms Peace Love mushrooms go [ __ ] yourself um I don't even have any we're bad at going out right I even have any controversial um I don't have any controversial sponsors anymore so when I end these things invade Argentino Argentina is filled with nice people the [ __ ] man I don't know I'm trying to say listen you freaks we love you we love the [ __ ] out of you all right we'll see you soon