Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1H3TuNK-4g
The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by the Fleshlight if you go to Joe rogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight and enter in the code name Rogan you will save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men do you hear that lighter [ __ ] it's Andrew Dice Clay in the background all right respect um and it's also a loophole Joe it's a loophole Brian yeah cuz that means I can also use a lighter right oh yeah you can loophole it you can smoke while dice is here yes normally I forbid SM yeah and look at my lighter your lighter is a man's lighter that's a Zippo that's how you do it that's real that's legit that's like some HBO special type [ __ ] we're also brought to you by on it uh makers of Alpha Brain new mood shroom Tech sport shroom Tech immune all different neut Tropics uh Google it if you're interested in it don't just go buying stuff and if you're uh if you're interested in nutrition you should really look into multivitamins and look into eating a clean diet and keeping your body healthy but if you want to keep your your Dome healthy neut Tropics are the way to go there's a couple different supplements that I like that I don't even sell there's a a thing called neuro1 that this guy Bill Romanowski who's a pro football player he puts out and that's how I got into neut Tropics in the first place so I always give respect to Mr Romanowski and his product and what ala brain is it's the best cognitive vitamins that you can buy all meshed up together in a very potent form if you try it and you do not like it the first 30 pills you buy you get 100% money back guarantee you don't even have to return the product just say this stuff sucks I don't want I just want my money back and we give it to you we're much more concerned with you not feeling being ripped off than we are with making money I want to make sure that if we're selling anything it's the best [ __ ] we can sell and it's only [ __ ] that I use so check it out go to on it.com that's o nnit t and enter in the code name Rogan and you'll save 10% off any and all orders ladies and gentlemen Andrew [ __ ] Dice Clay is in the house respect cue the music Brian we have to do this pod check it out The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all
day it's not official to the music begins I like the music thank you sir Andrew Dice Clay and his son Max is here as well what's happening and um Andrew when uh I was a kid man when I was like 19 years old I had this girlfriend this hot dirty little Latina girl that I dated for a while and she [ __ ] loved your comedy we would sit in my car and we would play your cassette and this chick would [ __ ] how she would cry and curl up in a ball and I remember being a teenager a kid you know sitting there listening to how [ __ ] funny this stuff was and how dirty and different than anything there was ever you had broken a total new barrier for comedy to me when I was a kid there was never a comedian like you before that was like that had this sort of like really aggressive sort of attitude about it and it was it it was fun and it was like you could repeat the [ __ ] with you it was a weird phenomenon man so for for me to go from like listening to your stuff you know before I even got into an open mic and then being able to hang out with you at the store and getting advice from you at the store you were the first guy that ever told me to go on the road well you know what that because it was sort of driving me a little nuts with you because you were a new guy at the store and you know you had a big career already I mean I I don't know what people listening to us know of your whole career but you had a hit sitcom on at the time this is before Fear Factor it wasn't really a hit it was only a hit when it got off the air that's what became but it was on for what five years yeah and I would like why isn't this guy on the road like it would bother me I always liked you know Comics that were into their careers and obviously you were and you know I saw you on stage doing your thing and I'm like why isn't this guy on the road I mean that's what this is all about yeah you know and I saw that you loved you know after seeing like one three hour set you know that you did I'm going obviously he likes being up there but why be up there for $25 for 3 hours when you could be on the road making all this Mone I remember the conversation was our back it was our back near that wall and I was like you got to go on the road now's that moment you know and because even though you know I love what I do I I also think
business-wise and when I started out when I saw how you know to me how boring Comics were you're not one of them obviously you know but no matter how funny they were I would also get like bored with them after like five or six minutes because they knew nothing about performance and that's even how the whole dice thing started because I decided if I'm going to stay in comedy my aim was never even in comedy I couldn't give a [ __ ] about Comics or comedy I used the comedy stage cuz I wanted to get into acting and when I decided okay I'm going to do this cuz I had a different act way before you knew me I would do like impressions of Travolta and you used to close with the dice man yeah no yeah no what what happened is my my initial Act was coming on stage as Jerry Lewis's Nutty Professor you know with the glasses and actually ladies and gentlemen and doing all that [ __ ] and I would take my magic potion and I would turn into John Travolta from Greece because Travolta at the time I started my Act was the biggest thing in the world cuz he had Saturday Night Fever and he did Greece and when I saw Greece I me and Travolta could have been Brothers back then when I was like 17 so when I saw Greece I was like if I could sing and dance like this guy I could put together this act that just won't miss and so I went to a studio in Brooklyn took the album from Greece they took the lead vocal out of Greece lightning and I started doing this act I mean the first time I went up in Pips in Brooklyn on audition night um you know I came up as Jerry Lewis and it's a Brooklyn crowd you know and I'm up there with a giant tuxedo shirt covering the leather and my pants are rolled up under the tuxedo shirt and I'm on stage going actually I'm a human pity ladies and gentlemen and you know it's a Brooklyn audience and that my whole family is there you know and everybody's young get the [ __ ] off you [ __ ] suck [ __ ] you scumbag you know and now I take the magic potion and they shut the lights and they turned like you did the music on which was my intro and I turn around as Travolta from Greece and the place went [ __ ] insane and now I come up to the mic because it was like the potion could turn you into that kind of what as
Jerry Lewis I would go this potion ladies and gentlemen as that throwing [ __ ] at me can turn you into that kind of Macho Man or foxy woman or both you know and so I take the potion and I turn into Travolta they go nuts I come up to the mic and I go so you thought it could be done right and they go crazy now I do the grease lightning number see so you're dancing and everything oh I do I do the whole thing choreographed that work out music is music playing yeah the whole grease number um with a dance in the middle that I had cut in between fever and grease and the place goes nuts and on the way out the two owners Marty and C Schulz go wait a minute where you going because they wrecked the club they started throwing tables over cuz I'm doing jokes as travol like so Mr K says to me goes Vinnie did you do your homework what you know I was doing that whole Barberino thing you know so he was so hot at the time travol and there was such a resemblance and the impression was so dead on they go we want you to headline this weekend and they go who's your manager and I go uh and I look at my dad I go he is and they're going well it's only $50 but you know he gets the headline and I'm like great we couldn't even [ __ ] believe what happened so when I came out to The Comedy Store uh you know Mitchell Walters yeah I know he is okay so Mitchell Walters was a comedy store comic who's from Brooklyn so he was back in Brooklyn like about four months into my career and he saw me on stage and he goes over to my father and he goes he's got to come out to LA to to do The Comedy Store and I'm like you know I wasn't even into comedy I couldn't care less you know and he kept calling he goes I spoke to mity the owner of The Comedy Store she psyched from to come out there so I come out and I do the ACT I do a 28 minute audition on uh you know the Monday night whatever it was where you know the MC start screaming at me when I come off stage uh this guy uh what was his name Rob Aguayo and uh and I'm looking at the guy and I go are you the manager you know and no I go are you the owner here and he goes no and I go then why are we even talking I go I didn't come you know across the country to do three minutes and of
course MSY and I got the call I was in you know and you know how many times you been on stage total at that point you know what I was in the business for about 6 months but from the night I went on stage at Pips I never came off wow because I was totally driven to become this humongous star whether it's a movie star or get my own show and so when mity met me she goes you're an absolute movie star you know you know I you know I had more hair back then you know but um she goes you're going to stay here and your hone you craft the whole thing just like you know about and actually I I took that Travolta act all the way to Don K's Rock concert and after kersh's Rock concert I was like well movie Producers aren't going to buy me to be Jerry Lewis or John Travolta I got to be myself on stage and that's where the whole dice type of character started and when mity saw it for the first time it was so great she goes it's never going to work she goes it it's too tough It's angry it's tough so I told her just keep me at the Westwood Comedy Store I go don't worry about it and when she said that I knew how wrong she was and I just went to work on you know Westwood was where she would put all the newer guys like myself and Kennis and you know Roseanne people like that that were new like the sunset what part of town was that that was in Westwood right over right on Westwood Boulevard and um that's where I got to see like this first uh this guy stabbed a guy in the alley there that had to stop a knife fight oh it was nuts this guy's just stabbing a guy Jesus Christ like they like like this I'm going what the I had to run into the comedy store and get a stool to hit him wow you know because I'm not going to get stabbed but I wanted to save the guy without the knife you know Jesus Christ and uh so I stayed at Westwood and I developed the character and you know the rest became history because what what I was trying I'm going the long way but when I would see the comics that was my whole point on stage whether it was you know Leno or Richard Lewis or you know these were the cleaner guys but they would bore me after like five or six minutes I go they're funny but yeah they're boring they they don't perform it there's no danger in it well I decided I'm going to become the most
exciting standup ever in history if I'm going to do this I want to give people something they never saw with a comedian and growing up like I said I didn't really study Comics I studied big personalities whether it be Elvis whether it was Muhammad Ali in movies it was everybody from Stallone to Travolta to when I was a kid James Dean and Brando and I said give them that I'm from Brooklyn give him that because producers will buy that for films and that's how like the acting stuff started wow you know and you know and through the years I developed it and then you know when the career took off that's where the jackets became more like from everything I learned from Elvis growing up his performance his style and I said well I don't want to be Elvis but I want to give people the Elvis of Comedy you know and that's how the whole thing happened you know and then when Rodney gave me the shot on his special that was the best because I would watch all these [ __ ] bozo Comics at the store not working their ass off for that special and they know who they are you know what I mean so I don't I don't even but I'm saying like on those where you got three people in the audience they're going up and [ __ ] around and they were going to be on the same special with me and I'm going I don't give a [ __ ] if the room is empty I just need to rehearse what I'm going to do because I knew when I'd be in front of the cameras how nerve-wracking it is and I don't want to have to think about material I just wanted to think about perform for the country let them see what you've been working on all these years and you know 3 months later I'm in you know Nassau colise se you know it was that quick Jesus Christ you know yeah I did over 300 soldout Arena shows at 2,000 people a night and nobody had ever done anything like well that went on through from 88 to 95 and then it was the cutdown Arenas like 10,000 people a night I just kept going wow you know and you know and then nobody had ever seen that kind of Comedy before the the difference between what you were doing what anybody else was doing is it wasn't just that it was great stuff and it was funny and people were enjoying it and laughing they could also do the Rhymes along with you and people [ __ ] Lov that well you know what
those Rhymes I still close with with the the Mother Goose stuff because it's almost like the hits yeah like we're working on the special now and even Max like even though he's a lot Greener you know in the business he knows a lot about it and he goes dad you got to pull the hit he goes you got all this great new stuff but you got to give him some of those hits because I made it 25 years ago it's not just that your stuff is more like a song like it's it's great to hear it again you know like if I don't if I don't do those poems if I don't do the poems the audience is depressed yeah they're like why like why didn't he do the poem it's like going to see Leonard skid they don't do Free Bird that's right yeah yeah yeah we well you know I I can't tell you how many times in my life I've heard what's in the bowl [ __ ] yeah it it just became this gigantic thing that you know even now since Entourage that was the Resurgence that I've been T I did a southern tour recently and I didn't know it was going to go on you know because I haven't really been out there in a decade and I was with Don Jameson and Jim Florentine from that metal show and they've opened for me for years before they got the metal show and they would come over to me and they go it's just happening all over again because the Mania of the crowds now it might as well be 1988 and I didn't see that coming you know I just didn't see it coming again you know but I'm also that type you know and I think you got that in you that fighter Instinct that that belief in yourself that you can you could overcome anything you know and it was like you know what to do this special I'm going to give them something once again where they think they can't be shocked anymore where they think it's all been done and it's not because I don't care what anybody does on stage I take my thoughts and I create these [ __ ] pictures in their head that are like cartoons cuz I'm not a political comic I talk about you know if I'm talking about technology I'm basically talking about you know even if you get on your computer to make believe you're going to your email we know you're headed for the porn sites we know where people are going that's what it's all about you know like even this new generation of women you know it's
like they grew up on porn you know I I didn't come on here to do my material but that's what it is like I've had a friend come to me and go yeah I went out with this chick I really liked her and and you know I wound up like doing everything with her the first night you know and so I'm not going to call her again cuz she's a real pig and I go you know I go but she did what you wanted her to do and maybe you're the only [ __ ] guy she ever did that with did you ever think of that you know maybe she doesn't do that with every [ __ ] guy and she liked you enough to do it and the guy wind up marrying her wow strong Ni No but but I'm saying you know you you can't you know I always loved sex I always you know the the reason I even got out to the women stuff like with with uh what I do on stage is because when I grew up in Brooklyn I always had a girlfriend but you know I always treated them with a lot of respect I wouldn't even think of touch in that tit for the first couple months you know it was I just wouldn't do it you know unless they push the issue but when I moved to LA in 80 it wasn't even 89 yet no it wasn't even 79 yet it was a whole different set of [ __ ] rules out here like I would try like if I met a girl why don't we go over to Ben Franks well where do you live I go no we'll go for a b well we could just go up to your house and hang out and then it was just one after the other and that's where the material would come from because girls that another guy would be writing a love letter to you know is now you know licking my balls like she's the house dog you know and and I was like this is the subject matter right here you know that's where Line's like treat me like the pig that I am because that's how they wanted to be treated but back then when my career took off in ' 88 and I did my special and I would do you know they're wearing the heels and the hair with that attitude like treat me like the pig that I am and women would get insulted from that back then they knew what [ __ ] slobs they were they just wouldn't admit it today they're the most aggressive [ __ ] generation I've ever come to know do you think it was like Sex in the City did that start that yeah definitely yeah with the with the little piglets on there like it's okay to be a hooker well yeah and that's what that
was a smart show because didn't put you know women on there that were tens right you know what I mean they were okay you know so I do a bit on you know the sex in the city with Sarah Jessica got a face that looks like it did [ __ ] prison time you know what I mean but the one that always got me was uh merard a short red hair whatever the [ __ ] her name is and she there was an episode where she was talking about you know uh licking a guy's ass calling it in a cute way tushal Lingus and I'm watching this going even if a girl wanted to do that to me now I wouldn't want it because I'm going to picture this little pigeon face coming out of my ass with a face full of [ __ ] you know with no tits concave then I'm going what do you do with concave tits put a scoop of ice cream in each [ __ ] one you know what I mean so but but it was a smart show because women in America you know you know that weren't that great looking could look at that show and go well if they could get all that [ __ ] so can I did you go you went through a period of time in your career where there was like so much push back against your material and against like like you know what what they were calling you know misogynist comedy that didn't you like you like kind of cleaned it up a little bit for a while right I I never cleaned it up what I did when I did um a series for CBS called bless this house they wanted me that's the [ __ ] up thing with doing a network show they wanted to like like on that show they won't even put the credit as Andrew Dice Clay it was Andrew Clay and I'll never forget my my booking agent going what do they think people aren't going to know who it is you know what I mean and and that that's what it didn't tone me down because this thank God the show got cancelled when it did cuz I was so [ __ ] bored every day I put on like 40 PBS in three months playing a postman and you know when when and when the show got cancelled this is the fun Max loves this the day the show got cancelled like I was the happiest guy in the world I came home and I ran three miles you know uh my wife goes uh what's the matter why you home early I go the show got cancelled I go I'm going running I got to get ready for the special cuz I booked the special with HBO for three months down the road
and I had to get in shape to do the special you know and the next day after the show was cancelled I went to uh Canon Drive in Beverly Hills where Kathy moriarity who starred with me in the show owned the pizza place and the whole cast is sitting around this table outside like with their head in their hands like how's everybody doing I get out of the truck cuz I'm coming to get dinner for you know my family oh well you know I go yeah I know I got to grab a pizza I got to get out of here I was just thrilled as you know thrilled to death that I didn't have to show up at that studio anymore is one that's one of the worst prisons for a comic is doing something that's not funny well they really tied my hands I mean you know I would have you know fights with the producer over lines you know especially when they make you say the word freaking which I always hated I hate that word too yeah I'm going you know like people don't know what you're saying just write something else he goes well we're not a joke store I go then just send me to [ __ ] home you know one time I did a line on that show we had this director the guy that did the pilot got the job directing the season and um you know it it was the opening of an episode and I walk in and the kids are watching TV and I come in and I go daddy made it through another day and I look at the TV I go by the way they never get off the island and you shut the TV right so I come in and it's a full audience you know studio audience you know about it and uh you know so I go you know they never get off the island and before I click the thing I go but I'll tell you that Ginger keeps getting better looking and the director comes over he goes what are you playing to a bunch of [ __ ] skin heads and I look at this guy and I go you know what you play my part I'm going home and I leave the studio and at that time I was with uh Michael rotenberg was my manager but he was also producer of that show and I get a call from him and he goes where are you and I go I'm going home he goes you can't go home there's 300 people here what do you mean you're going home I go the guy [ __ ] said this and I don't want to work with him anymore I don't want to do the show and he goes you gotta come back please come back we'll straighten it out tomorrow and I got to the guy cuz I'm
like a 5-year-old can I stop and get a slurpy first he goes get the [ __ ] Slurpee and get back here you know and then they fired the director the next day and then they canceled the show like four weeks later and I was really happy about it I my first show I was ever on got cancelled pretty quickly it's a real similar thing there's a a producer was completely out of his head who rewrote everything himself he TR take it from the writers really funny guys the guys who wrote uh The Simpsons they wrote Married with Children I was on a baseball show called Hardball yeah that one I don't know about it's terrible it was only on for like six episodes but you just move to LA and get Series yeah I I came out here for that show I was uh living in New York and I did the uh MTV half hour Comedy Hour and uh when I did that I started getting all these development deal uh offers out of nowhere it was crazy I just did this one TV show you got one little seven seven minute thing get a TV show and I get banned for life from MTV I had never done any acting I I didn't know anything about uh are you still banned today like could you but you know what they invited me this this past uh MTV Awards to be in the audience you know so I guess the Banning is all now but it was banned for life that's so ridiculous you know and then I'm watching Chris Brown who beat a girl to a pulp you know flying through the air doing so in other words you know I can't say you know a couple little you know Rhymes cuz the the the poem that got me baned was the um Jack oh no Jack Sprat could eat no fat his wife could eat no lean so Jack ignored a flabby tits and licked her ass all clean and the reason I even did that material on the awards is because before I came out you know Areno was hosting it and uh Dick Clark I'm supposed to bring on share that was my job and Dick Clark comes over to me he goes look if you got a stretch if she's not ready you know will come over and I go how can't she be ready she's putting on a thong what won't she be ready for you know right I go don't send ouro over we didn't prepare anything here and as he's doing this he's going no you'll Str I go please don't tell me what to [ __ ] do when I'm out there you know and I'm thinking this is Dick Clark and I love the guy you know and uh but now they
introduced me and I came out angry and there were a couple other Comics that on that night um you know Paul Riser came out there and you know as a comic he's a good comic but he he's talking about the hats that Frank Sinatra war and I'm sitting in the crowd going nobody's paying attention and I had all this heat from the Rodney special I'm not going to go out there and bomb I'm going to let them [ __ ] have it that's it yeah that's it so afterwards when they would take me into the Press tents not one question was asked it was amazing to see and then the next day it was you know dice band for life from MTV and then you know so silly well it it was silly but it also you know upped the career even more then the Arenas were selling even crazier and can you imagine that happening now though being banned from MTV now like oh Jesus but your point about Chris Brown is such a good one no doubt we need to start an Internet campaign dice back to MTV you know would would you be interested in a show if they they if they were smart they'd have me host because since that since that award show nothing exciting has happened on there would you listen would nothing that got you don't understand I didn't get pressed for a week I got pressed for three years from that MTV they didn't even mention the [ __ ] winners when it happened I I was in every newspaper on every news show and I'm going I'm a [ __ ] comic like it was so overwhelming would you would you live with a Snookie or a loader if you had if they wanted you to no want to do that kind of show you know I watched that show you know but you know you know I don't need Snookie in my life you me snooky though it's fun you know could you imagine him living with Kurt loer loer or is that his name he's the guy the original guy well Kurt Lotus the guy that had a talk about me being banned from MTV who is it that got really pissy about it though somebody really dis it was really disappointing they were like misogyny is not funny and like oh no I had every group The now or like over what like what kind of unrealistic expectations you know do these people have well you also got to understand comedy you got to understand
that was when the whole uh the gays were coming out of the closet when I hit and I would do all the jokes like you know by sexual and I'm like what do you mean you either suck dick or you don't suck dick you know you know and it wasn't it wasn't hateful jokes it was just on the money you know and then the rest of the joke was what do you do wake up in the morning flip a coin to decide you know the joke yeah it's you know it's offensive comedy is a legitimate genre of Comedy that does not get the respect that it deserves well it's like I tell Max be truthful on stage talk about your life it's the funniest [ __ ] and it's Pro positive that despite the fact that look think they could never put any of your stuff that you did they could never put it on the tonight's show they could never put it on you know uh any any sort of mainstream show but yet you sold out Arena after Arena like no other comic so it's it's it's really ridiculous but even with the talk shows I used to look at them like you know you got a guy here selling 880,000 seats a weekend you know and guys like let him in and Leno that wasn't good enough for them you know what I mean but you should do your own talk show you know what I don't want to do a talk show I you know um what about on the internet would you be interested in doing like a podcast not really you know what just anything you could just turn on anytime you want what I'm going to do I'm going to do this special you know you know I see what's going on on the road and then I'm going to go into these big places again I want to do the type of tour that fans have been wanting from me for years again so I'm making damn sure that this special you know just is a sledgehammer over people's heads and you know when I got all that negative press I wasn't expecting that when my career took off I didn't grow up going I want to be a controversial comic I didn't even think of the [ __ ] but the day after my first Special Air The Dice Man cometh the New York Times put the Dem of Western civilization and that's what started all that [ __ ] but and it bothered me you know it was like wait a minute don't they get it I'm a comic but today you know I got all this history and I'm like who gives a [ __ ] what anybody thinks about me you know what I mean as long as my kids know what I am and my wife knows what I am you know
that's what matters to me if they want to write bad [ __ ] write it cuz what I'm talking about there is truthful it might be in a cartoon sense when I'm talking about crazy sex you know and talking about this new generation I'm talking about you know years ago you go out on a first date what' you do you made out with the girl a little maybe you got some side tit through her coat that you could tell your friends the next day I go this generation of women when you go out on a first date if you don't come all over her she thinks you don't [ __ ] like her I go I went on a second date with a girl she goes I didn't even think you were going to call because you didn't come on me I'm going honey relax I go tonight it's going to be like I put your head on the [ __ ] yogurt machine and pulled the nozzle I go that's what it is today so why not be truthful about it and let people laugh over what [ __ ] animals they become one of my favorite things that I know about you is that you always have a camcorder and you're always documenting everything and like myself I do the exact same thing are you ever going to take all that footage and digitize it and do a documentary well that is people that want to do you know dice documentary dice documentary uh um I'm talking with you know who George Gallow is the writer he did movies like midnight run oh wow with da he's done a lot of you know he's got a 20 what was it 29 Street who was the guy he was in midnight run with um groden where ever happened to that guy I don't know who gives a [ __ ] I don't care if he fell off a cliff you know I don't care is he sitting there going I wonder where dice is well you got to do you do you care about John travolto this whole story that John trol you know what I think they should just leave [ __ ] travolto alone you know what I mean you know cuz I'm a fan I've always been a fan and you know his personal life his personal life who gives a [ __ ] what he does yeah it's weird that these people are willing to jump on board now like new massusa now are coming out and saying that he tried to grope them too like why it's just isn't it expected anyways well it it's not just Travolta and you know why I like I said I don't want to do all this material I'm going
to do on the special but you know when they make such a big deal you know with with this new presidential race and these guys are coming up there shouldn't be gay marriage I'm going wait a minute the country's falling apart nobody could even fill that [ __ ] gas tank without getting angry and you're worried if two guys want to want to put a ring on each other's finger and say I [ __ ] love you I would love to see a 24 hour camera on Travolta's love life yeah come on he must be living like a Savage I think it must be such a charge just to get guys like if he's getting massages he's John travala I bet how many guys do you think he probably got to jerk him off like that most of them right I'm not staying on it I'm a fan I'm a fan too he's a [ __ ] great actor he made that pelum 123 whatever the [ __ ] it was the one with Denzel waston the remake of that movie he's a [ __ ] great bad guy I mean you forget sometimes what a bad [ __ ] John trol but he also did he did swordfish he was bad you know what I mean he was a bad guy in that yeah yeah I forgot about well Pulp Fiction was the Resurgence for him this this pum 123 or whatever the numbers were I think it's 1 2 three he was [ __ ] it was a stellar performance I mean he really comes off like a real psycho [ __ ] he's a bad [ __ ] I was watching Greece last night I I I love that movie that's a stupid to say but it's it feels like why try to knock a guy down that's done and accomplished what he's done in his life I I would like the guy to be free I would like the guy to be able to just come out and say look I like girls and sometimes I like guys too what do you give a [ __ ] leave me alone you that's what I'm saying we live in 20 12 like I remember one time I was on Howard Stern he goes uh this was over the last couple years he goes the truth dice you know did you ever like you know like you know like he plays like did you ever go gay or anything I go let me tell you something I'm in my early 50s do you think if I wanted a suck dick I'd be afraid to [ __ ] say it you know what I mean if that's what I wanted if I wanted some guy's balls rolling around my face i' [ __ ] have it and I wouldn't be shy about it and I wouldn't care what they [ __ ] said about it cuz that's what I like to do that's something as you
become a man you you you really come to grips with that DOA was on the podcast he said I wish I was gay just so I could come out he goes That's how little of a [ __ ] I give you know you got to be you know what it is you w you get this one life you woe it to yourself to be what you want to [ __ ] be I agree I just happen to love the box I always did since I'm a kid that's what I like it's all good yeah I would like a guy like Travolta to be in a society where it wouldn't even be an issue it's always going to be an issue they got to have something to yell about it's so silly it's just so dumb who cares gay marriage people people can't being thrown out of their homes they want to talk about gay and I think they talk about it cuz they're sucking dick they're masking it how great would a documentary remember that Mike Tyson documentary when Mike Tyson just sat down and he started talking about his life yeah I how great would a documentary just Travolta sitting in a room just on a chair by himself talking about how many different masses he's got to suck his dick and just going over how he breaks him down he's not going to leave there he's not gonna he's not it's I don't I no disrespect I think the guy's a beautiful actor I think he's [ __ ] fantastic I and I don't care what he does but I would think that would be a brilliant thing to watch because I got to think he probably seduces a lot of those guys a lot of those guys are probably straight guys I don't know I don't have the answer for you that's something for whatever reason that's something that a lot of gay guys get get a kick out of supposedly hey you feel like jerking me off right now I mean we only got 10 minutes apparently he was telling dudes [ __ ] like I actually admired his game he was telling dudes [ __ ] like I don't like elbows and I don't like forearms only hands and work on exclusively on the buttock wow and you know what all I want is elbows and [ __ ] right I'm constantly getting my back I got the worst [ __ ] back in history yeah I've uh just gotten over a back injury I got a back injury in Jiu-Jitsu that it took like three months to heal you get older it's like I tell Max the only guy in comedy I'd never want to have a fight
with Joe Rogan you're the only guy I give it up to I go any comic that's ever [ __ ] with me I like look at them and go why would you want to do this to yourself because I'm an animal you know what I mean I go Rogan is the real deal I go you got to be an [ __ ] to come over Tim and St I've seen Rogan I seen Rogan go after his fans outside the comedy club he would have an argument in the [ __ ] he's having an argument with this guy well I'll tell you another argument which was even funnier he has an argument with this guy Max and the guy walks out and then after a show he comes out and continues with like 20 people between he's going [ __ ] you what the [ __ ] are you going to do and he's like spitting at the guy he hated him so much well he threatened one of the other comedians no I I I know I know the deal but it it was just so great to see cuz you have a temple like mine I go [ __ ] nuts I got a bad temper and then one night you got mad this wasn't about a physical thing but we were sitting out back and just talking and this woman just said the wrong thing to you about salt like salt isn't good for you and you went what the [ __ ] are you talking about salt is a [ __ ] what' you say it's a mineral yeah it's a [ __ ] mineral but I'm like like it was the most important thing in your mind you understand you don't know what the [ __ ] you're even [ __ ] talking about I'm going he's not even on stage and he's going bizerk you know and I'm like getting this show and it went on for a good 10 minutes and she's going no salt is not you don't know what the [ __ ] you don't know anything about the body you don't know anything about nutrition it's a [ __ ] mineral oh you went insane over it and I'm going you know the man needs a couch he needs to talk to somebody that's all you know but it was his hysterical you know anytime I seen you blow up like that I take it like I'd rather watch you outside screaming at somebody than watch any 10 comics on stage you know what I mean it's so entertaining that's why you love what you do cuz you know you go nuts you know you know you you know when you're on stage how you get you know it's [ __ ] crazy I love it that's what I like to watch you know I can't sit
there and go haha it's not good enough haha just doesn't [ __ ] work not today that mineral lady threw a cigarette at me oh did she I don't remember that that was before that well look at how you screaming at her she was scared to death no it was before that she threw a cigarette at me before that that's why I was pissed I was like why are you even here what are you doing you're just some crazy person hanging out back here interrupting conversations I'm much better now I've calmed myself dramatically over the years have you but what about on stage oh yeah well I mean stage going well until something ridiculous happens but I always uh I I try to be friendly about it as much as possible even while they're getting kicked out I should be interviewing you cuz like I like I'll come over to Joe at the store go what should I do for this muscle or that muscle cuz he knows anything you want to know about working out that's what you talk to Max you know what you have to tell him what what happened at the riv a couple nights ago when the guy got thrown out and then you came out oh yeah I want I wanted to fight this guy cuz I throw what I do you know if somebody talks during my show or I see a phone I'll throw them out I actually throw them out you know and and the funniest part of the whole thing like I warn him one time I go let me tell you something you're going to have to face the back wall for 10 minutes you know if if you do that one more time but the funniest part is when I decide to throw them out and security comes over the look in their face like what are you kidding and like when they're thrown at what what was I thrown you were [ __ ] talking I was having a good time it's a comedy you were [ __ ] talking and he told you don't talk so so anyway I wasn't on stage yet Elanor was you know and all of a sudden I hear her going what the [ __ ] is your problem I gave you eight [ __ ] minutes already so I start screaming at the um the the producer with the show I go get that [ __ ] guy out of this [ __ ] room before I go up I'll kill this [ __ ] guy so now and I I've never done this I'm I'm in the back dressing room and I come out of the back and the guy's out there now who's coming to see me right and he's being read the riot act and being told to leave I go you
[ __ ] and he looks at me and he goes dice I just want I go I would have [ __ ] thrown you out you're just a drunken [ __ ] [ __ ] and he's gone but D I said I want to throw you down that [ __ ] flight of steps do you understand me I go I don't want you to be my fan I [ __ ] hate your [ __ ] gut and and he's like he goes oh yeah you want to make you know and Max is there you know and I go yeah I'll throw you down that [ __ ] escalator you understand me and now my wife comes running over Valerie and she's going please go in the back that's what he wants I go I don't give a [ __ ] what he wants I want to get my hands around his [ __ ] throat that's what I [ __ ] want and then then I'm hearing Eleanor start to introduce me from the showroom and then I just come out to my music like nothing [ __ ] happened you know and I know this guy's in his car flinging my CDs out the the [ __ ] window you know and Max was like I don't give a [ __ ] that was like the greatest thing I ever saw when you do Live Comedy you can run across your share of [ __ ] drunk retards drunk retards and [ __ ] and crazy people at the show but you know one of the things about working at the store was where you were guaranteed to have confrontations the store is a vortex a Vortex of crazy one of some of the funniest shows I ever saw was just you just attacking people in the audience well you know you came up with something that I've been using for years that I don't know if you know came from you you were sitting with Elanor One Night in the back of the store and I was ripping some guy apart and you told Elanor you go I love when he turns into dice mean yeah you know because a lot of them I actually the minute they talk I just hate their guts but it's for real it's not like a stage Persona thing I just turned into myself now I'm just from Brooklyn again and it's like I want that person to know much I [ __ ] hate them you know it's like I know you brought up at the beginning you know this uh puppet head whatever the [ __ ] his name is that [ __ ] with Max you know because you know he just and the reason he [ __ ] with Max was because he just had to talk more on your show he wanted more you know TV time whatever the [ __ ] this computer is you know I don't no I don't really know about the
technological world that much but that's why he opened his [ __ ] mouth you know what I mean and you know I'm not going to rip him apart you know you know I know the guy he's a nice guy but he should shut his [ __ ] mouth when somebody else is talking just shut your [ __ ] mouth because nobody cares what the [ __ ] you got to say for people that have no idea what any of this is about there was a show that we did with a good friend of ours Mark Ellis and uh he was sitting there with Max and Max was telling a uh a a a passionate tale of Youth a passionate tale of uh discovery and getting laid as a as a band member and um this guy kind of mocked his tail saying well that's what you're supposed to do when you're in a band it wouldn't it would be cool except you're in a band only he wasn't was this guy 14 years old at the [ __ ] uh whiskey you know what I mean if you ever heard their music you you'd be blown out cuz they were off at record deals the second time at the whiskey and my my other son Dylan who's four years younger than Max was only 14 at the time I would what Max or what what uh rather what Mark said was totally blown out of proportion and when I was talking friends so yeah me and Mark friends I know I don't give a [ __ ] he shouldn't have talked no he was he was just you know I I'm glad you're friends with him he was strictly but when you got a face that looks like a squeeze doll that your eyes nose and tongue could pop out you should shut your [ __ ] mouth when somebody's telling a story but now I'm going to end up running into him oh it's going to be fine it's going to be fine no it's going to be fine Bri you put a picture of online you [ __ ] oh Brian how how dare you how dare he should just keep his mouth shut I like the guy he's a good guy dice it I got nothing against Guy totally joking around right Max let tell you it was totally just wasn't even there no I'll handle this guy when I see him at going see him at the store he going to be like I'll handle this [ __ ] he doesn't have a malicious bone in his body he's great I'll get the pipe for this [ __ ] guy I'll bang his head through his [ __ ] shoes and we'll see if he have a talks again just trying to be funny know I'm just I'm just goofing around I like Mar Ellis I'm just kiding around you know I would never you know I
never pick my hands up to nobody I know you don't you don't you know that yeah you know nice guy puppet head it's it's it's it's amazing to get through mock the puppet Ellis let's see how he gets laid with that name when a girl goes aren you mark the puppet you know what I mean let's see how much [ __ ] he gets actually a great that should be the [ __ ] quote on the cover of his book well you know what Mark if you write a book use that as a quote Yeah Mark the puppet and I like him I got nothing against the guy I see him every night at the store I think the store is about no when I give a nickname it sticks that's it anybody ever gave a Nick I think the store is about to get caved in by that mountain in the back you know where you everyone goes to smoke pot and stuff like that dude big huge chunks are now falling from it like the other day something hit the wall and it was but that's going on for 30 years has it been yeah the everybody's always going oh the Mountain's going to fall into the store right so if it does we'll perform on the street it is it is kind of a crazy thing to have one of those houses up there above it I lived up there for years cres yeah yeah that was a beautiful place nobody lived in that house longer than me really yeah uh I almost bought that house you want to hear the funniest story yeah um you know I've had a bunch of wives I got I got a brand new wife now that I just got and um my first wife when when when I married her you know we come back to LA and she had an apartment like uh like off a fountain somewhere so we'd take a cab to her apartment we come back from New York and she goes okay tomorrow we'll go we'll pack all your stuff up and you know you'll move in here and I'm standing there and I go uh I'm I'm not moving out she goes what do you mean you're not moving out I go I got to stay in cres till till I make it I go I'm not going to live with you she goes you married me I go yeah but it's not like I won't see you you know I'll come over a lot you know she actually used to come by my house 7:00 in the morning on her way to work cuz I was like in the maid's room in crestto and I'd sleep with the windows open it had those you know it's a Spanish house with the bars and she'd be like Andrew I go yeah and she goes no
I just wanted to stop by I'm going to work I go yeah I'll call you later we'll go out tonight you know because you know it was like an emergency wedding and uh cuz she thought she was pregnant at the time whatever and and I wouldn't move in with her so she moved into so she winds up moving into C Hill you know she moves into Crest Hill and I said don't tell anybody we're married nobody can know we're married and she goes why not I go well your parents can know but I go I'm building a certain image you don't want you know I was like 26 you know I go you know and I married you for you you know not really for me you know so you know when you have this baby you know it'll be legitimate whatever and uh she goes so nobody could even know we're married I go yeah for what we know we're married you know and obvious viously that marriage fell apart she moved into Crest Hill and then mity threw us out you know cuz she didn't want girlfriends up there God forbid she knew I got married and uh but I was in cresto for over six years did mity ever give you advice yeah not to do the ACT I was doing when I started because because she couldn't figure it out you know she to AGG but when she couldn't figure it out I go it's never been seen and that's why I knew it would work it was almost like taking the kind the characters you would see like Travolta doing movies like you know Tony Monero those kind and putting him on a comedy stage that was my idea wow that was a an interesting time too another time Tommy all right here's another time I knew I was going through the roof my second album which was called the date of laughter died was a double CD with like no people in the audience from uh Dangerfield yeah so you know the album know well so me tell you about it I was introduced to it by a guy named Mike dunan who was a top-notch Boston comic really funny guy but a local guy one of those guys just never leaves and he is in [ __ ] tears crying in the back of of the the comedy connection and he's listening to this this uh cassette and he's crying tears are coming out the guy can't breathe and you're doing this thing about doing Nixon in a girl's ass like doing a Nixon impression while you're eating a girl's ass and I'm telling you Donovan is [ __ ] crying he goes this is the greatest CD I've ever heard in my life
and he goes the [ __ ] guy just goes into a club no one knows he's going to be there there's 10 people in the [ __ ] audience and he has no no nothing planned does whatever the [ __ ] he wants talks about whatever he wants he walks the whole crowd they're screaming and yell at him he goes it's [ __ ] brilliant and he goes and he put it all on a CD he's this guy was crying tears were coming down his eyes his face was red listening to you dude ni what happened with that album is uh I was doing the Arenas at the time so the first album was like a high powerered album and uh and of course we we also recorded the garden that was an album dice rules but then I do I wanted to do a concept of the ultimate late night set so Rick Rubin was the producer but David geffin would put out the albums so first I get a call from David geffin going uh I heard the new album and I go yeah he goes uh he goes I I don't get it I go what's not to get he goes there's no people you know and you hear people walking out on you and I go well it's a concept it's the ultimate late night set he goes okay but why does it have to be a double CD cuz it's like 2 and 1/2 hours 2 and 1 half hours and I go because it's never been nobody's ever done anything like that he goes okay it's your career you know so now mity wants to hear some of the new album so she comes up to my house like at night I'm with my friend and we start playing it for her and she's sitting there listening and she starts smoking you know she smoked cigarettes at the and she goes Andrew um this is going to ruin your career I go you don't like it you know I'm like goofing on her she goes no I don't like it she goes you're playing the LA Forum why would you put this out I go it's never been done why don't people understand that [ __ ] so the album comes out and it goes gold in 4 days and to this day it's the the favorite album of any of my fans it's the that I actually did a sequel the day to after died part two because people loved it so much well it's such a real moment you know when that guy you're about as funny as a glass of milk yeah and I any other comic would have cut that out of the album I wanted that reaction it was UN it was an you know it was like a late night
tourist crowd they're not expecting me perect you know I had like some bachelorette party there you know I'm telling him you know I forgot what's even on the album cuz I was making it up you know I had some notes in my pocket that said like bet Midas [ __ ] yodel nobody believes me you know that people when they run into me they go what did that mean exactly what does hour back mean and I you know I'll call you in an hour back get it but you keep saying it like why what's the meaning and I never talk about it that's I never give up on my own Goofs you know and you know and I just never will that's a goof to a [ __ ] very high scale though yeah that album when you know I mean but the speed of the sales and how much people loved it like if it was the computer age it would have just been a million tweets and a million what people loved it what what they loved about it was first of all there was nothing like it no one ever put a a CD out of a 15 20% audience and half the people leave in and at them no no one's ever done that well the second one ends with uh I got to fight this guy you know I was looking on the second on the second day to laugh the died you know cuz there's no beginning middle or end I'm looking how am I going to end this and these like two couples come in and they're drunk and I forgot what they were even saying but I get into it with the guy and then I drop the mic to go after him and the album goes to nothing that's how the album ends because uh at that time club soda Kenny who was My Bodyguard he jumped on me as I was running to jump on the guy because he didn't want me to have a multi-million dollar lawsuit you know I love club soda Kenny yeah but but yeah all stuff like that would always go on but this was recorded that's why it was so great and then those people were still there when I was done recording and I went over to thank the guy for getting me angry and explained to the guy because I had no end for the album and now I do so I bought the guy a drink you know cuz the guy thought I'm coming over now to fight him cuz he's out like me at a bar and I'm like no I don't want to fight you that was great inside you made the album happen I now have a great ending nobody's going to know what
happened once I dropped the mic cuz I really got crazy like I lose it I don't know what happened it's what always happened to me you know well you're also in that enhanced environment when you're on stage you know when you're when you're jacked up like that on stage especially when you're in the middle of something was the guy hecklin uh yeah he was just yelling [ __ ] you know when I get somebody too drunk in an audience that's when I lose it yeah because I make no excuses for adults I just don't that's why you know with the puppet you know he's an adult that don't make an excuse poor Mark Mark just no he's a good guy I love the guy he [ __ ] up he did [ __ ] up though now he knows yeah now he knows for I guess yeah yeah and and when he sees me at the store he shouldn't even bring it up that would be the smart thing the smart thing is correct yes don't even talk about it I don't want to get mad save it I've been trying to you know watch maybe say hello sir so that might be nice yeah how you doing Mr Mr Clay I'm going to now have to have a conversation with him just to let him know it's cool no but I I I love that Max is doing the comedy and he actually works me last week in Vegas he did it down here at the ice house a couple weeks ago and killed it everybody awesome came back with great reports so much it's amazing man it's it's beautiful to see I mean you are the son of like one of the alltime greatest Comics I mean that's a fact dice is without a doubt one of the all-time greats in in my book he's right up there there's there's only a few Comics there's only like room for like if you had room for top five like five greatest comics of all time he's in there for sure 100% you're the son of that dude stop and think about no but it's not a big deal I don't make it a big deal with them I never he should know but he does he knows the history he knows it all but I I always taught Max and Dylan you know they know who I am but it's always make your own Road you know what I mean you know not to live in my shadow if you do comedy do your own kind of Comedy well I remember I ran into you at The Improv and you were telling me how he was doing comedy and you were so proud of him man it was really cool to see well like you were
you were so happy that it was it was working out well for me it just had a set and just killed and you could see you had this like just a real genuine appreciation of it it was you it is he also has the work ethic you know what I mean he's had it every night he doesn't even let me come with he performs unless he's working with me and I can't blame him because that's awesome man you don't need that pressure in in the crowd of me watching you but in Vegas I would make mental notes and we talk about like he'll come home like 2: in the morning and I'll be out like on the curb like I'm in Brooklyn smoking cigarettes and we'll first talk comedy till 4 o'clock oh that's awesome you know that's awesome you know so I mean he knows what he's doing and he'll be on the special too does it give you an extra like an extra push seeing your son going through the whole beginning stages you know and seeing him you know putting together an act does it like charge you up for it like make you more creative or more more uh more excited about it well you know what I always believed in teaching kids by example like I'm I'm one of those fathers that actually rais my kids and a big part of of what I'm doing now and yeah it's a personal thing it's like it's a job that's unfinished and that's why this special is going to be my last special I'm actually going to do it at the Wilbur Theater in Boston and because Boston's always been great with me it's like a second home from brookly great Boston Philadelphia you know um so I'm going to do it there Max is going to be part of that show and you know he's going to show what he's got on that show oh that's beautiful and but I always taught them by example and by me doing this by me training physically and mentally and being on stage every night shows him that even after all these years of Comedy I'm not taking the special and going all right I'll do the little special and see what happens I'm making sure that every comic watching this thing especially the haters sit there and go [ __ ] why why does he still have that [ __ ] thing you know what I mean because you know I I'll be honest about uh right before I got Entourage I was about a 42 waste okay and then I got Entourage I'm like all right I can't be the fat guy in the
Entourage so I started training and I got in good enough shape to do the show and then I kept going because I don't just think of well let's see what happens from Entourage I didn't wait for the phone to ring I'm 10 steps ahead thinking okay start touring build up do the special then do a major tour uh I was with David Ritz last night uh he's going to do my autobiography he's done people he did Don Rickles as far as Comics he's done Marvin Gay he did uh wow uh what's the movie Jamie uh FOX starting uh Ray Charles Ray Charles he wrote that book uh he's written a ton of books and now he wants to do mine and George Gallow wants to do uh the the movie you know which who would play you well I'll let Max tell you how that came about okay you could tell him the story who who should play me well uh the name that I guess we've all been discussing is uh James Franco oh and I met with Franco about two and a half years ago to discuss the movie and because he would had that look of me like in the 30s like when I was in my 30s he can act as [ __ ] ass off yeah he he can do it by the time we we met for about 3 hours by the time he left my hotel he was doing not dice he was doing Andrew I mean he's a real method actor he would know how to play that role perfectly yeah he's a he's a real [ __ ] actor yeah I mean you you do a role like there he is you know and you know he's he's the type of guy that like he'll move in with you to learn everything you do did you ever see um uh Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas where Johnny Depp played Hunter S Thompson no he lived with Hunter S Thompson lived in his basement for like 6 months just hang out with that crazy old [ __ ] while he was like shooting guns off his back porch you know Hunter Hunter S Thompson was gone well de Depp is incredible Depp is you know yeah I I did a movie with Johnny Depp me Johnny Depp and uh Rob Marrow you know Rob Marrow he starting quiz show yeah had no did the show Northern Exposure and we did this movie called private Resort it was one of Johnny de this is a funny story um so it's me Johnny Depp and Rob Maro and even the producer said the three of you guys are going to be made Stars you know and then I met you know Jim Schubert right sure yeah okay so I was friends with Jimmy Schubert back then and I would and Jimmy Schubert
thought he was going to be James Dean okay and I would say well you're not going to be James Dean but on top of that you know Johnny Depp you know and he would laugh because he didn't know who Johnny Depp was yet you know Johnny Depp was unknown and he goes who [ __ ] is Johnny Depp I go Johnny Depp is James Dean trust me you know and then um Jump Street happened 21 Jump Street and Schubert comes to me he goes there really is a Johnny Depp I thought that was a name you made up like one of your names you know I go I'm telling you this is the real deal and Johnny obviously has had an incredible acting career you know and every time I see him it's like I did that movie with that guy who's done all these great you know it's like an honor when you get to work with somebody that blew up like he did yeah he's uh he's all time he's amazing but Franco's the right age to play the main part of that movie and he would be doing all your material so would you would you coach him you're going to like yeah he would he that's a guy that moves in with you learns about your whole life you know from what you are off stage to what you are on stage because he's got to play it all you know that' be fascinating what is what part of your life is it going to cover when you explode no from from childhood on but not much about childhood because a lot of that movie would show really went on with the controversy how you know how they pulled the uh premere of Ford failan which was going to be at the LA Forum you know I mean a lot went down the studio heads lives were being threatened by the gay community you know Barry Diller was they were telling they're going to blow up his house with a pipe bomb you know I mean that was all they were Plastering up you know I was with Sandy gallon was my manager David geffin put out the albums and Barry Diller was the movie studio so the you know the gay community were posting them on all the like telephone polls in Hollywood saying how they have to get rid of this guy and you know and it wound up a mess it wound up you know I got black bold I got banned you know I got banned from everything including my cousin uh Hershel's bom Mitzvah Leonard's in Long Island I had uh when I was uh first starting out I was I was dirty you know and Open Mic guys the
Open Mic host would always tell you oh you got to clean it up you got to clean it up and they would say like what do you think you're Dice Clay are you Dice Clay no you're not so clean it up but I be like but how did Dice Clay get to be Dice Clay I mean doesn't right can you just if it's funny isn't that enough well you know what the first time I did Vegas with the dunes when mity had the dunes there I got fired the second night because what she would do she would rehearse the comics act you had to rehearse for her and do the jokes exact exactly the way you rehearsed it oh just her and the crowd yeah just her so now the show happens and now it's a live crowd so of course I just go into you know all my gay material and you know I'm doing what I have to do to kill the crowd cuz I'm closing the show right so after the show she goes I told you to stick to the ACT you rehearsed I go I'm not a puppet did we say that word today yeah anyway I'm [ __ ] around I got I go I'm not a puppet and I go mity you know about Talent you know how to pick talent but you don't know the feeling on stage when you got an audience you have to go the way the audience is going so the second night um after my set I actually come over to cuz I know I'm going to get fired and I go look don't feel bad about sending me home and she goes I don't you know and it was funny because I sat in that showroom after and I go you know what they're just not ready for you yet and it was funny outside right across the street was B and the Marquee read Tom Jones is here that's how he would you know have it on the Marquee and I go well that's where I'm going to be and two years later you know there's my name up at B you know so I just knew they weren't ready for me yet but I stuck to my guns I did my material the way I thought I should and and I always have and I still do it's one of those things that if you compromised and just tried to make everybody happy from the beginning you would have never found that audience that audience i' be back in a clothing store going what are you a 42 regular that's what I'd be doing it's amazing how you you just sort of calculated it all out though well I'm doing it again though yeah you know like I know the day after New Year's and this is not you know you have the career you
have which is an to me an incredible career I mean you've gone I mean between Fear Factor and what you did how you took it back to the martial arts and doing your comedy that way you know you get my respect if you didn't I would even be here today thank very much man no I think you're great I was watching you when you first came to the store that's why I would even take the time to give you some advice I I really appreciate it for me that was huge it was it meant a lot to me well you know what when I when I met Dane Cook and he was doing the bigger places you know uh I actually met him the day his father passed away and I met him in Beverly Hills and he was telling me how I influenced him and I felt good that i' been sticking up for the guy cuz I never knew who the guy was till took off and you know just like all these scumbag Comics that's why I hate these guys they all stab you you know how they are and they're all in the back of the comedy store they're not even on that night you know they're making nothing going ah he's a [ __ ] thief he's this he's that he took my bit I go well why didn't you go over and smack him in the face five years ago for taking your bit but now that the guy is doing great he's not funny he's no good in the meantime he's drawing 10 15,000 people a night yeah he and you're not making $20 tonight he hit some rarified air that's for sure you know so yeah I would always back you know when Eminem took off how people would come down on him and I became friends with him over that um actually Eminem uh was going to do seven albums with me he gave me a deal for seven CDs that he was going to produce and at that time I had no heat on me and uh he was with I think Emi and they said we're not giving him the deal because there's no heat right now but that's how I became you know friendly with Eminem and it was all of a sudden Max had the story with Eminem what year would you say there was no heat um I had nothing going on from around 2000 on really and when till till recently so was Entourage you think 100% for all this oh I start well what happened is obviously I went to divorce and it was you know my personal life's always been more important to me than you know a career life so yeah I would do the road and I would do my gigs but I
didn't have the management I didn't have the public the publicists out there all I really cared about was uh Matt when I left my boys were s and 11 years old so it was more important for me to be around and and raise them the right way and they both live with me and you know and then I always but I prepared you know through this whole past decade as bad as it was I would work on the new material and say at the right time I'm going to hit him again you know because if you walk around telling people you're the Undisputed comedy King well if you do another special you better prove that you know and that's the bottom line and so you like challenging yourself like that you make yourself rise the occasion a CH you know Max could tell you how I train for this thing you know what goes on in the gym Lou CK does that too Lou told me that he trains for uh a special like a fight like he he gears up like he gets in shape no you explain my dad really he trains like a bodybuilder you know it's not even like um I got to lose 5 lbs it's like no I got to put on 10 lbs of muscle and drop 20 lbs of whatever but uh yeah we're always in the gym always training yeah the guy that actually trained Stallone for Rocky when I was getting ready to do Ford faan I became friends with Stallone and he introduced me to his trainer the guy's name is uh George piperi and the guy was from Czechoslovakia and he was he was Mr Czechoslovakia four years in a row and then when steroids came into the business he quit and moved to America and he built he didn't just open a private gym he built every he was also a machinist and built every machine in that gym and and this guy really taught me how to change my body when I have to change it how to implify any muscle you know um so with with this special you know I am I'm 54 years old and when I walk out there it's almost like when I see certain guys in the crowd that are my age or older and I ask how old they are they go you know I'm 55 years old and I'm looking at the guy like he's 75 so it's like I almost want to be hopeful to those people because even as you get older one of one of the other things I would call myself is like the rocky of Comedy like I'll watch Rocky 6 and go that's where I am and that's who I am you know and you know his messages in
those movies about taking your life and Reaching Your Potential is what I always use so yeah I could just throw on a leather and and walk out there and have a belly sticking out the ear you know but it's like why do that when I'm more than capable of completely restructuring my body and giving the fans exactly what they want from me makes you feel like you're gearing up for something yeah it does you know I go up the mountains I go to the gym and you know it Max had the funniest line uh there was this producer in the gym the other day that uh you know I'm going to get on the treadmill and he got on one of these uh bouncing things you know and I go why don't you do the workout with me you know and he goes you know why am I going to work out with you and Max is standing there but this other guy comes over that works in Golds uh his name's Travis and he goes because he knows what he's doing and this guy Travis is what like 30 years old yeah and he's completely ripped he's like 6'2 and he goes when I train with dice I shake when I'm riding the next day he goes That's how hard he trains and what he does to each muscle so when Max gets me alone he goes you know cuz in the gym like you could be in a tank top you're in different clothing and Max goes why would this producer even question you you have worked out it's on you you know and and you know it just cracked me up because you know people you know look to instead of building you up they always look to knock you down and I always use those negatives to propel myself see before I walk out on stage I I gave Chris Rock the same advice before he did bring the pain and it it's actually a funny story cuz I came into the comy store and Chris was on stage rehearsing his material and he came to the back and and me and Chris we our bonding is were both from Brooklyn went to the same high school I'm like 10 years older than them but we always had that Bond so I said to Chris I go uh you know what what's going on with your life he goes well you know I'm getting ready to do this special for HBO you know how many are they going to give me and I look at him and I go let me ask you something I go we're friends right and he goes yeah I go does it bother you at all that when you leave this club every comic looks at you like a [ __ ]
zero and he's looking at me going why would you say that I go cuz that's how they look at you you're a [ __ ] zero in their eyes you've done nothing other than what Eddie Murphy did for you how does that sound that's what they think of you he goes why would you say that I go because you're standing talking about a special like it's just another special I go when when Network like HBO or Showtime they give you a special they're giving it to you because that's what they think you are and if you treat it with the attitude you just said it to me with that's what's going to happen nothing I go when you are behind the stage and you're thinking you're going out there in two minutes think of every comic watching going he's a [ __ ] zero and you know what the other side of your brain should be thinking about the family that's been backing your ass all these years and they're praying for you and you use both those things and start moving around on stage a little cuz you stand there like a [ __ ] Soldier and as good as your material is people are going to fall asleep watching you and that's when he developed that crazy walk back and forth so you coached him into that I coached him with that nothing about his material he gave me a thank you on the special you know and um that's awesome and he scored and became a big star cuz he listened because what I do no he listened because what I do understand Joe is about performance cuz I studied rock stars I studied the greatest of the greats if it was with the drums it was Buddy Rich you know what I mean the greatest drum had ever lived buddy was doing uh shows when he was two years old wow that you know so I studied the great I didn't study Comics because like I keep telling you they bored me to [ __ ] tears you know what I mean the only one like a a Rodney Dangerfield or Don Rickles when I watch Don Rickles I'm on the floor banging my hands laughing because he's a [ __ ] animal he gets it you know what I mean other guys come out there well you know I started dating I go just [ __ ] move you know even with Max when he's performing in Vegas I go just take a pace grab that mic and start pacing a little and they will follow you and they'll be with you but if you just stand in one spot they're going to get tired and start nodding off just to the
sound of a voice it's true it's excellent advice it is yeah you have unless you Joey Diaz Joey Diaz just stands there yeah well look at him though man's a human Mountain screaming at an audience you're going to pay attention I love Diaz you know you know what's so funny about Diaz um you know my my new wife she's uh she's half Latin and half uh uh Italian Jewish whatever she is but years ago you know Diaz was talking about girls and you know he's talking about Latin girls he goes you don't want that that Latin [ __ ] you never want Latin [ __ ] you know and you know I go how come you know he goes because you never get out you know you know he goes you never get out they're [ __ ] crazy it's the hottest [ __ ] on the [ __ ] planet do you understand you don't want to go near that this is you know 20 years before I met my wife but now I know what the [ __ ] he's talking about that's that's classic Joey Diaz oh no he was on those back never get out dog you never get out no he was on the back staircase talking about Cuban food and every other [ __ ] food those [ __ ] [ __ ] they'll stab you while you're coming yeah no you know what he's right yeah he is right well I was talking about a Latina girl that I was dating when I first listened to your cassette when I was 19 that [ __ ] was off the charts nothing like it nothing like it you know I married my wife within a year's time wow she's you know and and we've been happy ever since he just said I'll take it other than when we're we're breaking the house apart you know cuz at the beginning you know you know it was always funny cuz you know if we got into a fight I'm [ __ ] leaving here go to bags are rolling out I'm throwing him down the stairs Max is looking and it got to a point where where my sons would be like you know what we're not even going to pay attention to this anymore how often were you breaking up well at the beginning a lot you know like every other day no there there was a couple months stretch of but she's the only girl you know number one my wife you know knows more about me than me and she's a lot younger than me and she has studied it now and like so she was a dice fan no she wasn't a dice fan her friend when I met her her friend knew everything about me but she didn't even know who I was so once once
we started going out she started on the internet and studying it and she watches every show I do and she's the one that got me into the social media with the [ __ ] Twitter [ __ ] you know years ago when people would go dice do you tweet I go you know what I eat [ __ ] that's as far as I take it you know but but she got me into all that stuff and you know she's good with the material I never listened to anybody about material you know in my whole life any woman I went with any any friend but she actually knows she gets it and she'll give me like little things to say and it kills you know she really just gets what I do and really studies it that's hilarious so she's almost like a she can be a writer too cuz she knows you so well she she's my number one fan she's my groupy and she's the only one I want trust me you know that's hilarious you met her you met her the EMP yeah she's great she's great Valerie I hope you're listening so uh she's also on a Twitter under Miss Dice Clay yeah she loves being Mrs Dice Clay she loves it you know yeah she sells she does the merchandise at the shows oh does she oh that's awesome and like I'll talk about my Latin wife I go yeah you know the the day after we got married a mother moves in then the father and then 90 cousins here come 90 cousins half of them are in cousins and I'm going all I know is half my [ __ ] truck is missing you know but she's got the greatest family wait I carry a picture of her mother which is a where's my bear I got to show them this this is I don't have a picture of my wife on me so your Twitter's the real Dice Clay for the real Dice Clay any anything else is not um is that your fanny pack yeah I have one my little [ __ ] bag yeah I I enjoy the fanny pack and I'm proud of you for sporting as well to the list yeah it's it's a great way look at a nice picture I carry of her mother take a look look how oh wait where's her mother there's the mommy there's Mama Senor there's me look how handsome my wife will see that she'll go you took out the wrinkled picture Fort Fairline used to be but I got to tell you this too because obviously your friends with Elanor you know Elanor is like my extra wife and um you know so she she also opens
the shows for me so anytime there's a problem with me and Elanor Elanor goes to my wife and now I got to get it in the dressing room from the two of them Max has witnessed this it's hysterical they gang up on him they do does he enjoy it a little bit yeah yeah yeah because see you know they both have different talents like you know how I told you about my neck right you know my wife's a little lazy about it cuz she's got like fingernails like longer than your foot you know and they're always like different things whatever she does but Eleanor she's South Philly so she gets in there with the elbows you know what I mean so it'll be like Elenor you got to work on me tonight you know what I mean and she'll like dig in for a good hour yeah it's all different styles is that from uh lifting your your back yeah I just always had a bad neck and back do you stretch a lot no I don't stretch enough I know I bet you told me that yeah it's also your hamstrings a lot of times when people exper exping pain and tightness in their back it really has a lot to do with your hamstrings you know uh if you don't have a flexible back um you know you you got to think about all the different ways your back I do stretch I just don't stretch as long as I should Str got to stretch a lot especially as you get older I saw that thing of you in one of the uh martial arts magazines like doing the split yeah I can do that you know and that's when I decided never have a problem with it never have a problem with him he knows too much flexibility is one of the most most important things as you get older especially you got to really it's it's something you have to do like brushing your teeth if you don't brush your teeth you know you can go to bed and not brush your teeth for a few [ __ ] months and nothing really will happen except you get bad breath well you got to think about stretching like that it's like it's a it's an important piece of body maintenance especially as you get older but even as you're younger especially if you're younger and you're lifting weights there's a lot of people that [ __ ] their body up because they lift weights and they don't stretch out uhuh you got to make sure you get a full range of motion do you still talking about that do you actually still fight I
still do Jiu-Jitsu I do Jiu-Jitsu sparring you know I don't I don't do any kickboxing anymore because I I hit the bag and I work with trainers and hit the pads and stuff but sparring is not good for your brain yeah cuz you're you're an interesting guy I mean you you went I mean that to learn what what degree are you oh well I stopped taking taekwon doe which was the martial arts that I first got my black belt in when I was a second degree and I stopped because I started getting into kickboxing I started getting into uh Muay Tha so I I Mi mixed all this other stuff with the Taekwondo and sort of changed my whole style of kicking so that was the last time I was ever ranked was a second degree so let me ask you cuz you also do like an aggressive show you know as a comic do you get because people know that about you do you get [ __ ] with like that people no my the people that come to the shows are so [ __ ] friendly I I I have no problems everyone's so nice man we have a a friendly podcast it's a fun podcast you know and uh I do martial arts and I've started doing martial arts for for two reasons one cuz I was picked on when I was younger and I didn't like it and I didn't have an older brother and my stepfather was hardly ever around so I had a fight and I didn't like it I didn't like people [ __ ] with me so I learned how to fight it was really that simple then once I got really good at it I did it because I think martial arts is the most dangerous challenging and character-building path for human development I think to really know about yourself there's two ways you could go to war you could find out about yourself shooting people overseas fighting hand toand combat in a [ __ ] ditch and stab a guy with a knife you can find out a lot about yourself in that situation or you can travel around the country and fight in martial arts tournaments you can do that and you can find out an incredible amount about your tolerance to pain you're willing to push through adversity that's what would get me nuts with you though that's what the joke was for me because I know with martial arts they it's all the mind and body yeah so when I would see you like lose it oh yeah I'd be like isn't this guy supposed to be like Zen know when I'm bad at it I'm bad at it for two with two times one if I'm
drinking and someone's just talking [ __ ] and they're being aggressive I get I get that's what they teach you to just be you know oh I'm way better at it now way better at it now but the the real problem I would always have two problems and the biggest one was when I saw someone bullying someone that [ __ ] would drive me [ __ ] crazy it drives me crazy when I see someone bully someone you know what that's how I am too I was never like I [ __ ] hate it you know it was never about like being being a bully it was just being able to protect myself and I would also hate when I saw people get [ __ ] with like that I understand where you're coming from well that that was the the hot point the one story that you were talking about where I was screaming at this guy in front of the club he was threatening that he was going to kill one of the guys that worked there he just just they were they were kicking him out of the club because he was drunk and he was saying he was going to kick my ass and I didn't think anything of it but then I got off stage and my friend's worried and he's in the front of the club he's like that [ __ ] guy is still out here man he's saying he's going to kill me he saying he just got back from Iraq and I just I just I just couldn't I saw red and I was like I'm going to beat this yeah I I saw you weren't going to hit him or anything but I just found I was trying to get him to hit me but but no I know that that's all I was trying to I just wanted to SW I was there for that I was there for them in see a fight well that was totally different that was I didn't want to hurt that no I know that but it was so beautiful cuz you were like if the mic was his nose you were right here it was so enjoyable you know and everybody knew that wiia was a different case he's a guy who unfortunately has some sort of a psychological issue I don't know what it was but we had this guy that was around the comedy community that wasn't like everybody else and he was he would literally go right on before you and do your best bid say if you had a bid about uh you know [ __ ] hitting your computer with a hammer he would open with his version of your hitting the computer with a hammer bit I mean it was just he was he was aggressive in it it wasn't just that he was trying to do good for himself he was also trying to
shut you down he trying to step on your material it was a real real [ __ ] big problem but even still then I never tried to hit that guy I never did I know I know I was there that night with the argument what was so crazy is Max that night it was like M like they advertised him that he's going to be performing there so it's so embarrassing that's com there yeah he comes up but I was there when it happened you know what I mean was well every you know there's so many comics in the room that were backing me up I felt like I was representing them as much as representing myself it was it was we were so sick and tired of it by that time you know and if it wasn't for uh you know Brian catching it on video that that guy probably would have pulled that off for another couple of years and victimized a bunch of other guys and it ain't good for him either man he's a talented performer can do his own thing well you know what I always tell Max I go if you're truthful up there and write your own material you got a career yeah you don't want to depend on other people to write your material so just use your mind and when you're on stage just let it go you know that's that's all you got to do and he's getting better and better at it and uh you know to special he's going to do something else but you know did you talk to Joe about your drums and all that stuff I I brought up the drums on the last you play you know never seen him play yeah we're going to have him do a podcast sometime like maybe play some songs or something we had no no but he he'll be on the special he's going to do a huge thing on the drums cuz he he's like Untouchable dice if you had a podcast nicest view on the world I would subscribe to it I guarantee you millions of people you'd probably have the number one podcast in the country I would I would tell people immediately go get it I don't know if I get the discipline to do this hard it's [ __ ] easy smoke a cigarette you drink a cup of coffee you just start talking [ __ ] about Chris Brown It's that simple it's that simple you press record you can have an engineer who come to your house yeah Max always tells me you know what I should start the podcast and then just have my dad on how about you two guys do a podcast together Brian will produce it and they'll put it out for you yeah just come here once twice a week or once a
week once every two weeks what you do on the road though well on the road I don't do anything I just promote my gigs though I don't you do radio anymore I do radio when they're my friends radio shows how do people know when you're going to be on on the podcast well the podcast is at least two or three times a week we do it we put it out on Twitter we tell people in advance you know hey Monday is going to be cha sunnon Tuesday is going to be Michael rert that's the schedule for next week and if they miss it they can download it on iTunes and one of the things I was thinking that you should do cuz I know that uh Ford fairing doesn't have a DVD commentary and it would be really funny if you just did a podcast watching Ford Fairlane so people at home could hit start at the same time and just talking about the movie and I think they asked me great IDE I wouldn't do the commentary for it what if you did it though no but I'm why because for yourself this was a movie that that could have gone through the roof and they pulled it in a week and it was doing big numbers and because of what happened with Fox 20 Century Fox put it out they they played the movie for a week I had to go see it on Hollywood Boulevard that's how I saw Ford fairing so it was doing really well and they pulled it just at that time you you got to understand this thing came out in 1990 so you know an opening weekend for that movie today would be like you know $45 million you know back then it was like an $18 million opening weekend cuz you know the price of cost to go into a movie theater and it got this big big hit even though they didn't do the premiere and then they pulled it in a week and what happened with that movie is then they added all around the world so they made a ton of money with it then at that time there were no DVDs it was just tapes it was just video tapes and the month that it came out for you know how years ago uh it was like $2 to rent the tape but if you kept the tape it was like $100 right the first month that came out they sold at the $100 price 400,000 units wow wow so it was like by the time they called me years later to do commentary I was like you know what you pulled my movie out the theaters why would I do commentary about it you know what I mean I didn't care anymore yeah no I can see it from
that point of view then but from the fans point of view people would love it especially if you did it for yourself instead of we still talk about a sequel to it because it has the audience it always had the audience if you do a podcast I guarantee you how many people would watch that [ __ ] thing with with you doing you'll give me all your uh information would you be able to play legally play Ford fa talk over you don't even have to you just like cuz what you do is you watch it at home you and you just have it in the background playing so like you're you're watching the movie at so you get people to press play and watch the movie at the same time AB so they have his commentary on the laptop or something next to absolutely that's Ultra C tell we've done it all we do it with the UFC drunkcast all the time oh that's right that's right yeah I had a blast do in that movie I'll tell you that much that was a fun movie to go hey by the way Brian before I say anything there's a UFC coming up soon and we should do that cuz I'm not doing it it's one of those FX shows let's do a drun the Australia one no it's not Australia um let me find out what the card is I think I think it's soon I think it's like Tuesday let's do it I think it's next Tuesday what you in high school that was my favorite movie ever and I had your poster above uh for the movie Above uh my bed cuz I used to work at a movie theater and one of my favorite [ __ ] was like just the Ridiculousness of it like when you fell off the the building you're like my hair my hair and like this silly [ __ ] I would quote all Quote you my most of my life you know what they let me do my thing in the movie it was a fun movie to do I thought it was a great movie but you know with with everything surrounding it it wasn't fun yeah you know even like you know they had me go on a sad L Night Live before the movie came out and you know that everybody was walking off the show you know I don't even want to say the stupid girl's name and uh you know it it just started like nothing I got to do was a pleasant experience mhm you know so you know that's but that was then you know and the and the beauty of being around today and still doing what I do is that I survived all that stuff you know cuz a lot of people would have fold
it I I don't fold for anything I always I always just keep going you know and I always find the way back one way or another when we were talking about like the period where you had nothing going on until Entourage put you back on again you know did you try some stuff that didn't work or did you like what were you doing I did a reality show about 7 years ago and you know with all these tapes you know these producers at at Fox TV they saw my tapes and they said this is a show you know so they sold it to VH1 and then when and the way I would film myself is that it could be cut together and they got picked up for seven shows and I said why don't you guys just take these tapes and cut it together but they had a budget they had it was like they got like 315 Grand an episode and I said all you need is editors you know and I'll do some voice of I go you have the show I have filmed my life you know I was filming he which you saw me do yeah all the time you know and they go no we have ideas and as they're shooting these ideas even my kids were like what are they doing and they came over with this episode a rough cut what they called the image episode and you know they put like a grill in my mouth and dressed me like a rapper and I hated it you know I hated it but as young and I forgot if it was either Max or Dylan that looked at the producers and said if you were doing a show with Axel Rose wouldn't you just let him be Axel yeah so why don't you just let dice be dice instead of making up all this [ __ ] I just remembered you were in foolish oh that's right that's right what one of my favorite Crazy Eddie Griffin movies Edie Ed Griffin in full Prime crazy form that was about he played a comic named foolish ways you were like the uh club owner right yeah Eddie Griffin man there was there was a kid who had some [ __ ] Talent there was there was moments where that kid would be on stage just crushing like I I I thought Eddie Griffin at one point in time was going to be one of the biggest ax like ever in the country I thought he Eddie Griffin you know I sort of found Eddie and you found him well what happened was I was at The Comedy Store one night and he walks over to me and he goes I'm going to open for you one day and you know I you know we
talked for 2 minutes and then a couple weeks later I was getting ready to go on tour and I already had opening acts and Eddie was on stage and he had like you know 2% material but what he had he was exciting to watch yeah you know what I mean so he came off stage and I said you know come over here you know I said you know what I saw you on stage tonight and I said you really do have that potential you're going to be great I said so why don't you go pack your bags and we leave in the morning it was the dice rules tour you know and the next thing you know we're in Philadelphia I'm doing I was going to do I think two nights at the Spectrum and you know I see Ed he doesn't have a coat no socks and there snow on the ground I go where's all your stuff he goes I don't have anything so next thing you know we're on a shopping spree and he gives me the nickname Uncle dice to this day you know cuz I just saw him in Vegas last week wow and yeah I bought him all these clothes and he did a lot of that tour with me was he in the movie uh he was in dice rules yeah he played a scene in dice rules and he was great that's right you know he had to do this takeway he's yelling at me in a gas station I was like doing you know before I turn into dice I'm doing like my own version of like a nerd but I was really doing my impersonation of Max who was a baby at the time you know and you know Eddie G screaming at me in a in in a in a gas station he rips off like the uh the the windshield wiper he's going [ __ ] like you just taking it away from a black man and I'm sitting there go you know and he goes say what [ __ ] and then he gets in the car and he's screaming at me I he was great he was great in dece Bigalow did you see him in De B he can act as [ __ ] Eddie Eddie's got a lot of talent a lot of talent a lot of crazy a lot of talent but he'll admit to that yeah oh yeah you know yeah he it's why he's fun to be around you know he's a great guy you know but you know he he is a great a great talent yeah you know and you know at that time he'd come on stage twirling a baton with a big top hat Top Hat you know making the crowd going uh hey [ __ ] hey [ __ ] hey and then he didn't know what he was going to do once the music stopped you know but he had a couple bits and and he would
kill the crowd he did great he's a great performer I remember his uh first special that he did it was like he did I think he did an HBO half hour and uh he was like he had shorts on yeah that's what he would do the Michael Jackson and Prince and you know guys did he have a was it a half an hour is that what it was um I don't know if that was a half hour you're talking about the one we was wearing like the big yellow shorts yeah that was good that was [ __ ] strong [ __ ] strong you know yeah and and then I did try to train him for another special like a 1 hour HBO thing and he didn't listen you know what I mean cuz I said first we train physically then we train mentally oh you wanted to work out with him yeah so so he went up the mountain he went up this mountain with me and he goes all right after the mountain we're going to go to the gym you know and then halfway up the mountain he's like [ __ ] this and then the next day when I'm calling him you know he's not even returning the calls there he is right there he's a hell of a can they hear him can they you can make it yet one had the balls to do it yesterday and the News camera couldn't shut the [ __ ] off quick enough you could see what the [ __ ] was thinking his brains hit the ground I said look at him he was thinking about killing himself you dead dumb [ __ ] you know what I'm saying but only white people do silly [ __ ] like that you know they have problems and [ __ ] and they flip the [ __ ] I like how you got the camera in the background great job director you [ __ ] you're fired with a stupid shot that's the stupidest shot I've ever seen in a comedy special talk about a shot that brings you away from the special see a guy with a [ __ ] headset on a camera behind them that's so stupid do they have a shot of the audience they could have used there while the camera panned away look how angry here it comes [ __ ] edit look what gets you angry look at what's making you mad today this is the first this is the first moment of you like getting heated up you you want to hurt that camera guy I want to hurt him director I want to talk to the director did you see the uh new Avengers movie Joe did you like the Hulk that it was
[ __ ] amazing when the Hulk grabs that that guy and smashes him into the ground tell me I didn't see the movie it doesn't matter I won't say anymore but it's [ __ ] tremendous the Hulk is amazing man they got to do a new Hulk movie and what's the guy's name that plays the Hulk what's the actor's name I don't know his name I still can't getu I still can't get past how friendly your audiences are oh they're the nicest audiences ever they're super friendly and you're an animal berserk but I I'm I'm a nice guy still you know just I know you're a nice guy but when you're doing your stage thing I've seen it enough times to know cuz my audience is the most aggressive audience I've ever seen from anybody ever like mean I'm not even talking about Comics I'm talking even Rock shows yeah they they're they're there to go nuts you know they're there to go crazy that's why it's about controlling the crowd half of it my dad's audience is a the only audience that ever heckles me I never get heckled anywhere people are always cool whenever I open for my dad I know I have to do a dirtier set like he has to a more hardcore set and just they're hardcore just out of respect the actor's name is Mark rufalo that's the guy who plays the Hulk [ __ ] tremendous actor yeah I would imagine you have pretty aggressive crowds well it's an events going to see a dice show is not just going to see a regular comedy show like the testosterone in the room must be pretty intense it's Insanity it's like he's leading an angry mob of people it's not even like about laughter it's in the [ __ ] tell tell them tell him I was playing this set for him because like I said I'm going around the country testing everything and uh I was playing the set from him I just did the Bergen Center in Jersey and so we sat down late at night to listen to the set for a few minutes and we shut it off and Max goes now I know why the government and everybody else had a problem with you he goes it sounds like this angry mob cheering you on and it would be scary to government you know because of what he's saying and the way they're reacting to it that's why government officials could be like I don't know what this and it's the dumbest [ __ ] I could think of I mean some of it that there is no thought that goes into it um as far as you know
certain bits like I don't do my homework as far I just want to do the bit in the funniest way I can I don't care if it's if it's got any kind of truth to it sometimes you know it's just got to be there are certain bits that that are truthful but certain bits I'm doing just to affect them and make them laugh their balls off that when I see a guy banging his fist on the stage and his head's laying on the stage that he can't laugh anymore I know I'm doing my job right you know that that's how I look at that and I come off and I go did you see them you know and as great as the crowds might be in Vegas it's it's the road crowds that are really insane because Vegas there's a lot of things that come into it from gambling to drinking to you know fighting with your wife over losing the money you know there's a lot of that in Vegas right Vegas is tense but when you come to a concert on the road they're coming just for that so I could really drive them I want them to leave there going I've never seen anything like that or witness that and the crowd is half of it you know when I do this thing about you know that I've been doing for years where um where I pick on a guy in the crowd and you know then I turn it around and go but look what we've been through huh now me and you were [ __ ] friends right you're the [ __ ] best I want to take my glass I want to toast you I go no I want everybody to raise that glasses to this guy and then Max goes you should make them get up so I'm in Vegas last time so I go forget about ra everybody get the [ __ ] up you know get up for this man some just guy sitting there and I go so I want to say to you right now here's to you and then everybody go sucking my dick oh you know it's just the most ridiculous stuff you know and it's just so enjoyable for me because I go they've gotten to leave their life for an hour you know cuz you know I might I might say you know I hate going up there some nights but once I'm out there I just that's my freedom to just go nuts you know I'll even tell the crowd like you know why I'm up here right now cuz sometimes I get into a fight with Elanor on the stage I go because she just went to tell my wife what happened here and when I come off this stage they're both going to let me [ __ ] have it so I'm
just going to hang out here with you for a little more you know what I mean I used to sit in the back The Comedy Store where that uh back porch is you know there's there's steps where Joey D is always Just Smokes uh cigarettes the steps where the belly room is and weake could be back there and uh dice would be on stage your dad would be on stage and all of a sudden we would just here screaming just just screaming you [ __ ] dummy you dumb [ __ ] dummy Dum and we uh oh mean dice is up mean dice is up we run in the back dice mean in the back and would sit and watch you torture people you've had some of my the funniest brutalization of people I've ever SE and there's not even like there's a bunch of people dealing with hecklers that are on on the internet I don't think there's any of you is there any of you of those like Comedy Store sets um I don't know I don't even know but uh can I can I so last time we're in Vegas um you know obviously Max is single and he's out there looking for girls so can we tell him a a little little sure yeah you well I'll start it you could finish it so this is but I just want to preface this by saying the story I told last time that Ella said the thing this is this story blows that story away that's how you supposed to do you learned well from your father it's so much better start strong and then build up well well this is the thing so there's this girl in the front and she's a 10 you know and she's alone a blonde girl just you know 10 from head to toe you know with the big tits a nice big fat ass the right package so I'm talking to her you know about what she does and uh she's a dominatrix she's in the uh the way she put it she said she's in the fetish industry yeah she goes I'm in the fetish world you know and uh you know I go how old you she's only 21 years old you know and uh you know so I go 21 I go you like young guys you know she's going yeah so so now I'm out of the show cuz now it's all about getting Max hooked up I'm going Max I think I got one for you here right so the next thing you know here comes Max with the girl after the show backstage to get the picture well what H I'm I'm off the stage when he's talking to her I don't know what she looks like all I know is he's going you know I have a son you should meet him I'm like well I didn't say I have a son
I go he was up here you know he was up here you know half hour ago whatever so I'm like I got to meet this girl but I don't know what she looks like so I run out to hang out near the T-shirt rack and you know meet this girl when everyone comes out and um so I see this she's literally the last person out of the place cuz she was right in the front row yeah she went to the bathroom or something she's the last person Elanor you know Elanor she brings uh the girl out to me and um I'm like hey what's up yeah you know I'm like you remember I was on he was talking about me so I'm like all right you know you want to get a drink or whatever you should write cards so uh no first it was first it was I want to get a picture so he comes back but what's funny is tell you know you got to tell Joe what you tell people that want to meet me you know cuz he's always out there after the show with my wife and Elanor you know how you tell them like he's not like you're not great but how you yeah like I always kind of have to let people know before CU I don't like I don't like meeting people no I don't I'm not I'm not good no and the reason is because a lot of these guys will come backstage they'll try to put me like in a headlock you know and and I get physical about it I got to be you know I'm not going to lie to you and it's not about being tough or anything put you in headlocks oh yeah that was this one guy this couple months ago I thought I was going to break his arm when he did that because I just react I don't like say take your hands off me I react to it you know and a lot of these guys are a lot bigger than me right but when I'm in that frame of mind you don't see it it's like don't [ __ ] put your hands on me cuz I'll break your shoulder you know so he knows not to bring people back no I hate people no people 99% of people we we just tell them that you know he left you know no but but they ask him like why can't I meet him right and I'm I just can't you know take you back there because he's just not great socially you're not going to I try to let them know like you're not going to get the experience that you want like it's awesome to watch the show but if you meet him you're probably going to I don't know you're not going to be one of my favorite things he did I
don't know if you want to talk about this but my favorite things you did is you started taking less and less shirts with you when you would go to shows oh yeah I heard about this what do you mean well you shirts oh the ones we sell oh well that was take less we would do auctions yeah what what I decided is what do I got to bring a 100 shirts when I could bring 10 you know and just have Mike black was the opener back then and my kids were with me on the road so Mike black was the Barker the auctioneer you know and we would you know sell the the shirts he would start like at $150 you know and you know and we were selling shirts for like between anywhere from $150 to $500 a shirt wow you know and you know with you know of course with that I would take a picture and sign the shirt whatever but but what was funny is my son Dylan at the time was 12 and he's taking the money you know and making the change with Max who was uh 15 you know and like that was my crew white black and these two little kids wearing D that's hilarious so from the time you were like 11 you were watching them do standup I wouldn't really uh okay well the first time I ever really saw my dad do standup was in 2000 when I was 10 because my dad went back to Madison Square Garden well this is an in I got to tell you this story I I thought this there's a lot of there's a lot of good stories is there an ending on this no whenever whenever we want all right so um that a problem in a lot of shows right you you worry about running out of time well I also want to keep it interesting for you this is a great show this is very interesting so you know since my kids were born I always thought about like how do I explain what what I do as their father you know and plus they can't really see it right you know so from an early age like I groom them into the business like understanding you know what I do and sort of how how big it was but it's not that big of a deal to me because I'm daddy you know what I mean when they were kids so now Max was 10 and Dylan was six and at that time this was the year 2000 and I had nothing going on I didn't have any TV shows or specials so I
decided I started doing uh Opie and Anthony were on uh in the after noons and at that time I was in a war with Howard Stern we weren't talking and they were the same they were the same network yeah you know so I didn't give a [ __ ] I would go on their show and they were pretty new at it and the audience started building pretty rapidly between them and me and I would call in three days a week or if I was in New York I'd go in and there was always drama I had like this huge [ __ ] thing happen with J Moore that he was calling he went to yeah but but I I don't want to go is there a [ __ ] single comic that hasn't had a problem with that saying it was a simple thing what happened don't make me go into that but it was a simple thing that he could have said he was sorry I haven't had a problem with him but but but he wanted to be a tough guy over the air and I was in LA really you know and he goes hey dice I'm not afraid of you what happened is he went like on letman and did like a very close thing of Pacino to mine so when we were on the air I said you know Jay hey I go you did my Pino thing on leaman and he started in rattling go well you know it was like no it wasn't letan it was Conan and I said well that's my thing you know what I mean it's my bit and and he got I forgot how it got out of control but then he got into like the T you know I'm from Jersey you know I'm not afraid of you I go okay remember a little little bit of J Moore impression you got a little bit of a J Moore impression do I when I do it you did you that was pretty it was a huge fight because how did he say it like what did he say to you well now I'm thinking about it but he goes well I'm not afraid of you you know I'm from Jersey and I go look Jay you know it's it's not about that it's about being tough and I'm really [ __ ] tough okay I go there aren't too many guys that scare me no but but you you got to understand you know I was put in the hospital a bunch of times when I was a kid I've had my nose busted my head split open my face split open you know so I know it is to to lose like when you lost your first fight you weren't afraid to fight again cuz you know what it is to get hit you know what I mean so the last person on Earth that's going to frighten me is a guy with a beige
sweater and his sleeves rolled up J Moore it doesn't scare me at all but if you're going to tell me in front of millions of people you're not afraid of me well now you got a problem you're not going to be able to [ __ ] handle so I told him Over The Air I remember you telling me this because now when you get back to LA you better come to find me at The Comedy Store because if I got to come and look for you it's going to be even [ __ ] worse I'm warning you so what happens is after I get off the air uh Ralphie May calls me cuz he had my phone number and he goes you know Jay was just [ __ ] around I go you're not involved in this I go the guy opened his mouth he didn't [ __ ] apologize to me I go and now you know he's going to have a problem if he don't come look for me me I'll look for him it's that simple that his wife even called me they all of a sudden I get a call from a detective I thought it was a joke it was at night is this Andrew Clay this and that and I go yeah he goes well uh I'm actually a fan of yours I can't believe I'm calling you but we had a complaint this uh and he he went to the police station like with his wife at the time and the cop was even telling me I it felt more like a domestic dispute than anything else and I said we're having a radio fight we were arguing on on the OPI and Anthony show you know and we wound up making up whatever wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute wait but he went to the [ __ ] police and F like domestic dispute yeah that was between him and his wife I don't you know well what happened he made like a Jew reference to me and that's when I snapped out you know on the uh on the radio and even the New York Post wrote it it was one of the only times I got protected you know but in in you know that they wrote up what he he said that was very wrong how hilarious is the [ __ ] news oh J Moore said a Jew joke but but but you're getting you're getting me off what happened with the garden what happened was it's a beautiful story but at that time you know I was doing I was back to clubs you know my agents knew that so I decided that instead of telling my kids about my history I want to show them one I want to do an arena that I knew they were young but at least they would have that picture in their
head something in years to come that's how I really looked at it would click in their minds that they didn't just hear about their father they got to see it you know in that big of a place so I decided to do an album I put the album out the first day it's out my agent calls me up and he goes what do you think the move is and I go I say you should book The Garden and he goes book The Garden he goes last time you did Westberry you did half a house now I'll explain to the people listening the difference Westberry sold out is about 3,000 seats so if I did half a house it's 1500 seats so why would I be thinking I could be at Madison Square Garden now you know what I mean cuz I hadn't done Arenas in a in a bunch of years so I go I'm telling you Dennis I've been doing this this radio show you know in New York Opie and Anthony he goes so based off a radio show you're doing you think you're selling the garden he goes why don't we do the Beacon Theater I go I'll sell the beacon in 20 minutes which the Beacon's like 3,500 seats he goes well if you sell it in 20 minutes we could always move it to the Garden cuz there's no way he didn't think any way possible you know that I'm going to sell the beacon in 20 minutes bottom line I'm telling you the story short I sell the beac out in 35 minutes so my agent calls me up and he goes I don't get it but obviously that's something you know and and I don't so Ron deler who did my first arena with me he's a very famous promoter he works under the umbrella now of uh Live Nation he he said the same thing to my agent he goes obviously dice knows something we don't so they put 10,000 seats on sale at the Garden okay the first day we do 7,000 seats which if I didn't have to do the beacon the beacon was on the 20th of October 2000 and the garden was now going to be on the 26 not even a week later holy [ __ ] so I sell 7,000 seats and now the ticket SES slow down because the subway series was announced the Yankees and the Mets so ticket sales slow down but the bottom line of what happened is the day of the garden I get a call the reason I even stopped doing Arena I would get clustr obic from the whole thing being sold and people around me so I couldn't take anymore so I get a call from my agent knowing if delna could open up the back
which was incredible because it was going to be the last night of the World Series the Yankees playing the Mets and we did 13,000 people at the Garden that night Max was allowed to watch as much of the show as he he knew when I would start getting too filthy leave leave that part of the arena and then come back in when it's not that bad you know what I mean you know cuz it's not like you 11 Max I was like 10 he was 10 years old what was the feeling that you had when you watched your dad go up there in front of 13,000 screaming animals what was that like when you realized the kind I mean what was what was the realization well I guess uh the way I thought about it at that time I just thought it was really cool you I was just 10 years old and the language didn't really phas me because even at that age I knew it was just a joke because my dad was never like that with me when he was offstage I just knew all right when my dad goes on stage he's like that when he comes off he's somewhat normal you know yeah I'm just as I just saw it as as a 10-year-old kid just thinking whoa that's just so cool that my dad is doing that and that there's all these people here you know I wasn't thinking in terms of well what this means to stand up and what my dad has done and St I didn't have that mindset at the time I just thought it was awesome yeah and my whole thing was like I told you I always teach my kids by example I wanted to show them that with hard work and with belief and with that drive that that that's built into you that you could accomplish anything you want to accomplish that's always been with you know when when I do certain things and people talk to me like you made all these millions and then you lost it and went through divorce and you gambled and you bought [ __ ] I go it's never been about money to me I go I could always make yeah I'm making money again now but the point is that you know it's what you do with your life what you could accomplish with your life and I didn't really know starting out what it would become when I made it you know you you're never prepared for what Fame brings but I knew like even when I saw Rocky one with my father in Brooklyn when I left that theater I told my father I was 16 years old I said I'm going to do that with my life and my
father goes what you're going to become a boxer you know I go no I'm going to I I have that thing in me where I could really accomplish with my own life I'm just not sure how I'm going to go about it yet and and that's what it's always been to for for me it's always been like reach your Highest Potential in what you do give the very best and show people what you got to to offer them and I always think of myself and I know my history you know and I know you know that that I mean I don't know who the guy will come around that's you know I did the Rose Bowl with Guns and Roses you know I did things like that you know it takes a certain person in my mind that God puts here at a certain time to do these different things and I always felt like I was born when I was born to do exactly what I'm doing now and that that's how it is for me and you know when I believe if you believe something like that if you truly believe something like that it's incredibly empowering and it becomes real it can become real when I used to come off at the comedy store at 2: in the morning you know when there's four people and you know the [ __ ] comic whoever it would be where oh it didn't go too good I'd look at that guy and go I'm the biggest in the world they just don't know it yet and this is when I was a struggling comic and that's what Comics could handle with me it was the the real part of who I am forget about on stage the jokes everything was this un unbelievable confidence that I was given you know and it's always been inside me like just a complete belief and I could conquer whatever I have to conquer that's completely different than most comedians yeah most Comics if you think of comics years ago I mean you know I'm no [ __ ] or anything but you're a NIC looking guy I'm a nice looking guy my son's a nice what I'm saying is Comics years ago think of what buddy hack it looked like that guy didn't walk around look in the mirror and go I could bang anything I want yeah you know what I mean the comics were goofy looking [ __ ] guys I think it comes to the point where you can't really Define comedy it's either comedy or it's not comedy and there's a [ __ ] billion different examples there's Mitch Hedberg there's you there's there's a million different versions and that's why I never
understood why Comics had no camaraderie between them because everybody's just an individual you know everybody you know there are guys that do prop comedy that's why I hate when guys pick on Carrot Top because I go guy could own [ __ ] Las Vegas okay he's cooking and he always seems like a nice guy he's one of the nicest guys you'd ever meet yeah carot top is seems real friendly I know what the [ __ ] he doing I did this [ __ ] roast for uh for kiss for Jean Simmons and and I'm downstairs waiting to go on and jeene Simmons didn't even know I'm going to do the roast I came from the front doors and uh and they're all picking on [ __ ] Carrot Top and I came up to annihilate these [ __ ] guys for doing that you know and when I got to carrot toop he thought I was going to destroy him you know and I said and you're all sitting here and you're picking on [ __ ] Carrot Top and he he gave me like 20 calls after this because I was like it was it was it was the bully effect they were bullying this guy and I was like I could shred anyone at this this [ __ ] guy that host the show this ugly [ __ ] who that uh uh Ross Jeff Ross yeah Jeff Ross this [ __ ] this [ __ ] little piece of [ __ ] that came from his dad's Dick Wa you know well no the guy the guy remember from the 80s Andrew Dice Clay in the meantime that's what he said that's how he respect no well that's what I'm saying it's like to this day who the [ __ ] even knows him you know he's just this little [ __ ] roly poly [ __ ] you know that that that couldn't [ __ ] lick the [ __ ] dirt from under my toenails you know what I mean there's a visual yeah well that's what he is in my mind well you know Jeff's thing he's the the the roast Master he's an [ __ ] human being there's nothing better than that Brooklyn version of [ __ ] he's an [ __ ] it's an [ __ ] he's got a face that resembles a [ __ ] [ __ ] you understand he's I'm not calling him I'm saying he's got an [ __ ] face oh I see what you're saying so what I'm saying is he's got a face that on a lot of levels resembles a [ __ ] [ __ ] he's always been a nice guy to me well [ __ ] him where he breathes anybody looking to knock me down you know they get knocked down [ __ ] him where he breathes it's unnecessary
and uh and first of all you got to I mean nice guy I guess yeah I got nothing against him he's just you want to open your mouth you know about me you got an enemy for life and one you don't want why are you enemies with Opie right now are you still inem good I thought that was no what I got mad at them from was when Max was a kid and I was and I was going to do the garden you know um max was in the studio and they had a problem with this uh a talk show guy Mana out of Chicago and they were pressing the issue and I didn't even know what happened and I I was like looking at Opie like end this you know what I mean my kids here right you know and he didn't end it and uh you know and and we became enemies for a little while but we made up that's cool you know they're good guys we have a good time Max you were coming out uh she was the last one out of the the audience the dominatrix chicks that we were talking what happened with that story yeah why talk about anything other than [ __ ] box how did we even that's a weird ter thank God Brian was here to bring this back around so what happened okay so after the F yeah after the show rather okay so I meet her at the T-shirt stand bring her backstage yeah bring her backstage and and this is the kid that tells the young man I should say it tells everybody it's impossible he's not good with people but the minute there's a girl Here Comes Max which I loved yeah smart Mo and my dad was really cool with her super friendly because he knew he knew what I was going for so he knew to uh you know be cool so they take the picture we get out of there go downstairs and then here comes my wife you know the Latino wife with Elanor right and I'm going uh this my wife Valerie you know you know we don't want anyone getting we don't want anybody getting the wrong idea like she's back there for me you know right okay I'm not going to give every detail no you don't have to so we go downstairs have a couple of we ended up having some more drinks than I really thought we were going to have like four a piece or whatever and um I'm not even sure how to tell it just basically the next day when when I it was the greatest night of my life that's the only way to say it it was single-handedly the greatest night of my
life any peacock feathers any dominatrix stuff involved well here's the because it's what she does she was just so relaxed and open about anything sexually that it just made me completely relax and feel completely at ease because it's what she does her job yeah when when she came backstage I I had to question her a little because you know I still got to look out for him you know I still have a lot of course yeah you know so I'm like asking her like what she does and you sent me the text message she was telling me about different things like I do smoking fetish I go what's a smoking she goes guys will just come and I just smoke cigarettes around them and act tough who you know crazy [ __ ] you know but did you wind up dating this girl all well it was when I went down to the bar I got a text from my dad in all capitals because my dad likes to text in all capitals so it always sounds like he's yell I got a problem with my left eye so I don't see the phone is good and uh it was like stay in the hotel don't give her any money and have fun oh that's awesome Yeahs yeah look at uh Joe Joe Joe changes the uh the screen size actually so it's like I nearly texted Joe I nearly texted to you yesterday that I text in capital letters cuz of my eyes oh you do all caps also no no no that's his but look I uh I made the text larger so I can see it better it's in the options he sounds like he's yelling through the text Mage oh I don't know how do that do you have an iPhone no I don't believe in them 2012 you should look into one of those they exist I swear they're awesome well what do you believe in you don't believe in iPhones but it's right here but it's real but it's real I have two of them I just don't believe in them I think it's too much they like leprechauns what is it about uh that you don't believe in them too much connection I need to do with it you know what I mean right I don't know for me um I'm a I'm a technological junkie I love well my wife has the iPhone we use for the Twitter and everything oh okay you know I use Commando do you tell her what to do and she she does it for you I'll show you my phone Commando I love the fanny pack that's actually a very nice one where'd you get that that fanny pack um Roots Roots I'm root has the best ones oh look at this I'm making a note
right now Roots fanny pack I just love fellow fanny pack users this is B uh just to sum up the rest of the story real quick that's that one that you could fall on the ground and isn't that like a supert underwat yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah okay all right well that's smart like if you're having a fight with somebody they Chas you from the beach you go under water and you call the cop yeah it's like why does it need to go underwater what am I doing underwater I got to text somebody while I'm swimming can you really [ __ ] call someone underwater that's amazing it's a crazy phone I love it though yeah there's a bunch of those they're making Now nickname style yeah that's what this is yeah yeah they make U those tough books too Panasonic makes those well my brother-in-law is a Navy SEAL oh really yeah okay he's a real deal so does he have like that kind of computer that kind everything you could just [ __ ] Commando who he doesn't even have that he doesn't even have does he have an iPhone I love when people when people show you their phone and go you can't even get this they go well how the [ __ ] did you get it from NASA who the [ __ ] you know what you can get today You' seen that's what people do with their with their Electronics it's so oh you can't get well who the [ __ ] you got to know to get this yeah exactly [ __ ] I'm telling you I do a whole thing on that now I can't I can't take with the technology like you know when you go to parties it's all they talk about you know instead of what a party should be [ __ ] the ugly guy girl on everybody's jackets you know what I mean that's a party remember that you move your jacket out of the party go yeah come in here that a nice dark room come here come here chubby just come in your pockets first thing I would do when i' go to a party years ago when I was like 17 18 you spot the ugly girl in the corner going all right if that don't work out she'll still be there yeah nothing like a fat girl I tell it to Max all the time what what else happened did anything else happen to the dominatrix the best way to say explain you know what you can't explain what happened with the uh with the condoms oh this is a really cool story I hope so anyways
cuz when I think about it it's cool but let's see how it comes out how old are you Max I'm 21 so I didn't have any condoms on me okay and um I figured she would because of what she does yeah Jesus so uh everything's just about to go down and this is after you know we go to the hotel room I play her my rock band's music which there's really nothing better to do with a girl than play her your own band on like an iPod or whatever so she's really into the music everything's about to go down and we don't have any condoms so she starts going you know I feel everything happens for a reason maybe we're not supposed to get together and I go into a panic because I'm like there's no way we're in the bed it has to go down there's no way this is not happening J Christ she goes to the bathroom I pick up the phone call the operator I'm like can we get some condoms up to room 5245 please and they they delivered condoms they send up like this classic Bellman like 50 something years old full head of solid gray gives me the condoms I give him the money and uh I didn't know they would do that see I would be the guy running out in the lobby trying to get no he knew if he left the game is own that's a strong move strong I had read it once in an article uh that said like Michael Jordan did that once and he called down and had condoms brought up like once a week and I was for whatever reason that came into my mind and I'm like just call down and ask for him and the dude really hooked it up awes uh this girl she showed me like the sexual light and uh she still hasn't texted me back so uh really she just hit it and quit it huh you know it's you want to know that that's another thing with guys today like um I was talking to this um this this producer this guy one of the guys that was on uh his name is Rob Weiss he's he's a really funny guy and um he was telling me like uh a story of a girl he was with and you know how they did everything and then you know like the next day how you would PA how you doing let's get together again and the girl like blew him off in a minute going I I'll call you right back and he goes now I'm sitting there like the [ __ ] girls used to do waiting for the call Back That Never Comes you know what I mean
it's the funniest thing this generation of women they could go out bang a guy all night and then just you know forget about it the next they say that when the birth control pill came along the whole [ __ ] world changed and now when the internet came along it changed again it changed one more time it's insan a strange thing that I I can't figure out like if you really hit it off with someone why not you know why not stay in touch or whatever but uh you know I can't figure out you know her mind how quick did you come be honest I'm not going to give the exact amount of time but it was it was so much fun just best you know what you are talking a lot about his music you know they could play one of your songs if they got to that site you could play them one of the songs up there you should you wantest to AB they [ __ ] tell them what to go to okay everyone laughed to me when I said it was on Myspace last time it doesn't no it doesn't matter Myspace is still legit no but but the point and and they're revamping Myspace anyway but um making a comeback yeah Myspace is making a comeback if you go to myspace.com official La rocks that's where we can find official La rocks cuz there was an LA rocks but but don't play the song till I till I set this up for you you got on understand when these songs were recorded no and Max I don't even know if he was 17 yet he's on the drums and Dylan was how old 13 14 if I'm Dylan was like 13 he was 13 years old Dylan wrote the music the the plays the lead guitar does the bass the lead vocal the words so people listening to this got to realize this is a 13-year-old kid on lead vocal and guitar Jesus Christ he he was only playing guitar about a year and a half wow okay and you know it it just happened as a fluke because I was going to use uh which song are we going to play rotten core or junkyard junard junkyard all right uh don't play when when we went into the studio they were just going to lay the music down for my album that I still never put out and Dylan asked can I sing it this is the night before and I go well yeah sure you could sing it I I didn't know you could sing you know I go but you know I would never put anything on an album that would embarrass you so if it doesn't sound right we'll just use the music so
they go in they lay the track the music track down and one take then Dylan did the Baseline in one take and then the engineer goes you know if you want cuz he's a little kid he goes you could come back tomorrow and do the vocal and he goes rock and roll happens at night okay it's the best so now now with that being said this is you know couple years ago so do the one that's junkyard so you 13 and how old at this time Dylan's 13 I'm 17 13 and [Music] [Music] 17 looking at your past time rusted and [Music] decaying from the god down makes you go insane for 13 and 17 this is [ __ ] [Music] unbelievable make you choke down in the Jun L down in the jard where the St here at the playround you could never escape this is your final day oh yeah are you guys Allison Chains fans oh yeah yeah sounds it's [ __ ] good dude yeah it's really great let them hear it okay soaking in get [Music] better breathing in the [Music] Smoke looking at [Music] destruction like it's one big [ __ ] [Music] joke if you picked up a scrap wouldn't make you choke down down in the junkyard where the dead they lay down in the junkyard where the dead things stay here at the playground you could never escape this is your final day [Music] great drumming Max yeah you know what I else I like is not some boy band [ __ ] no this is all this is adult rock yeah they want they want to be like a two band Guns and Roses well you got talented kids man that's got to feel great yeah how many songs you got up there I think there's only like three or four on the actual M what's on there where where are they going to to if people at home want to listen to this if you go to myspace.com
official La rocks official La rocks what other songs are up there what are you dedicating your time to more stand up or that well I've really been doing the uh doing the standup mostly because the band actually broke up you and brother broke up well well what happened was real short when these record companies came at them Dylan got a little overwhelmed and I couldn't blame him and ielm I would actually tell him I go look I'm not Joe Jackson I'm not going to force you into startom you know what I mean good for you but but now he's like back into it and uh they're actually going to open my special for me that's [ __ ] awesome it's really cool that's got to be so cool man to have your kids doing something like that you know and the reality is regular life sucks having a regular job being some [ __ ] dude working in an office when you see your dad living the way he lives and doing what he wants to doing being free there's really not that many other paths for you you grew up with it you know you see it it's the greatest way to make a living in the history of the [ __ ] Universe creating your own [ __ ] putting it out there people love it they come to see you they give you money and you [ __ ] have a great time and you live this life like the big fat stupid party that it's supposed to be well you know that sounds good to me you can do it you can do it you're doing it doing it you know he he already realizes what [ __ ] people could be so he goes I can't wait to become famous so I could just get a house and put a big wall between me and the rest of the world you know like when he'll come home like from The Comedy Store at night you know because of everything he sees out there you know it's just the funniest way and how he puts it to make it's weird watching kids uh like Max being raised he's had the internet his whole life too you know they're different kids today 21 year old you are much more mature Advanced aware than I was when I was 21 when I was 21 I was a [ __ ] idiot when I first started doing standup I didn't know what the [ __ ] was going on in the world I didn't care you know one of the reasons why I like I like dirty jokes CU that's the only [ __ ] that I thought was actually funny you know that's all I cared about you I was 21 years old what what did I care about I cared about like
[ __ ] you know that's what I wanted to do I to get drunk fun and [ __ ] it is a dirty that's why any that's why I I initially started off like trying to be like a really clean comic and it just has not really gone that way because it's it's really hard to just be one to be clean now I admire Jerry Seinfeld as a Craftsman I admire him as a man who crafts jokes if you go and you listen yeah he's phenomenal yeah he's a Craftsman I mean he knows how to his pacing his delivery his writing I tell you is the best uh clean comic there is he my dad always uses Seinfeld as gaan is another great example gaffan is a goddamn Craftsman and he likes doing that kind of Comedy you hang out and talk to the guy that's how he talks but to me you know what's always been the funniest to me is people just get [ __ ] crazy I don't I don't want to go see I I I love comedy period I mean I'll go to see a clean comic if he's really funny I would love to go see gaffan or something like that but if I really if I had my choice well it's just what people are live in we're in a dirty world we live in reality with a lot of dirty things going on so if you're on stage as a comic you know our whole job is commentary on the world yeah you know yeah and you need to address every unturned rock yeah it's and it's like to be a new comic in the year 20 12 you know Seinfeld even came up in the early 80s you know it seemed like it might have been a little easier to be cleaner at that time clean shit's done son the internet came along once goat seed was around once you saw people pulling apart their [ __ ] with a wedding ring in your hand you ever see that picture of course you have how about tub girl you ever see tub girl oh yeah the girl with her [ __ ] up in the air a a fountain spray of diarrhea is splattering on her face she has a cheesecloth over I can't I can't look at those things it's incredible this is a of it have you seen the Mr hands I haven't seen a lot I've heard of a lot of these things but I haven't seen Mr H is a guy that gets [ __ ] to death by a horse interesting he was a guy they they started they changed a law in Washington state about this guy they made a documentary about it called Zoo apparently for the longest time Washington State it was legal to have sex with animals so people would
fly to Washington State and move in and make Farms together and have sex and make videos oh man ridiculous [ __ ] I did see that video it's insane this this none of this was around when when your dad was around when he was young none of this was around when I was your age you were growing up in a in in an area of exposure a different world than anything that I I saw when I was 21 animals it's not anymore they changed it it was just an old law that you know was on the books forever and so they they were they were found this loophole it's actually like a a clinical psychological disorder it's called zilia or Zu like in Washington like if you ask somebody like uh you seeing anybody yeah I'm living with a ferret right now they were into horses they were into things get [ __ ] them they guy had a perforated colon bled out brought him to Filthy as I get on stage and and I get filthy you know uh like that's the kind of stuff I can't even look at do you would you go on the internet and [ __ ] around and like go to message boards and no I don't I don't I don't you know and I and I even you know cuz I knew they grew up with the you know the computer generation that even when they were kids I would say like look I know what's out there you know I could the the one good thing about having me is a father is you know you could talk to me about anything right you know you don't have to watch your language if you're talking about a girl or you know you know you you could you could talk straight to me just tell me straight out how it is that's got to be nice and I would always tell my kids do yourselves a favor stay away from from the porno on the internet I go you're going to grow up you're going to start dating girls you don't want your mind twisted and bent that badly too late for me no too late no but but but it's the truth and you know Max was honest enough at that time to he had a friend that went to it a few times I said well just stay away from but this is also when I was like 12 but that's what I'm saying that's the age where like you know like you could see a thing like you know uh some chick blowing a horse and think oh that's what you're supposed to do you know kids don't get it you know what I mean early [ __ ] sick in the head yeah especially like early exposure like
really graphic sexual images like video and porn that probably can't be good for a kid it's probably not [ __ ] can't be good it's impossible for it to be hardcore type [ __ ] you know who that guy is no he's one of he's the only one of the only guys in recent memory that has been arrested for um obscenity they took him to they took him to trial in Florida his his videos are so obscene that they took this guy to trial in one state because they knew they can get them if they went in Florida has very strict obscenity laws that's how they got two life crew in Florida remember that [ __ ] when they got arrested did you ever have an issue in Florida did you ever have an issue Florida I had it in Cleveland though you know where my the entire D and I'll never forget you know cuz management they try to keep you out of it and I come into my dressing room and uh well there's a problem you know and I'm like What's it there's a you know a an arena in Cleveland and all of a sudden the dressing room is flooded with cops you know telling me if anybody complains anybody you're going to jail what and and I I was like what year are we living in I go [ __ ] I'll tell you what you tell me what words you don't want me to say as long as I step on that stage I get my check I'll do five [ __ ] minutes I don't care I go but who would complain that's buying a dice ticket Jesus Christ and obviously I didn't go to jail what year was this you know this was probably around 93 holy [ __ ] yeah I mean yeah I I went through some stuff that's incredible though you know with uh3 they were in Canada you know where they were really detain you on the bus and really go through everything and I'm going look we're not druggies on this bus we're just doing comedy shows it's not what be rough they can be rough when you cross the border to Montreal but I've been they take a walk in the snow that I had to take a nap afterwards it was so hard and it was like 4 in the morning it means you walk in the snow all the way to this [ __ ] thing where their office was wow and all of us on the bus you know I traveled with a band I traveled with my guys that's why Canada is so nice they they have a zero douchebag rule if you're even remotely douche baggish at the the uh the border patrol they're like get the [ __ ] out of here man if you have a
DUI get the [ __ ] out of here if you have an assault get the [ __ ] out that crazy that if you get a DUI you can't go to Canada that's why Canada is so awesome never go it's why Canada is so awesome they won't they won't let in any American douchebags there's a I mean there's a there's a [ __ ] a smart thing to that you know you really think about what you you living in Canada you like a bunch of nice people in this Frozen country that's connected to the craziest [ __ ] Savages that have ever existed on the face of the planet there's no no crazier country if you look at like total impact on the world than America [ __ ] Rome Rome can suck our dick we're in 140 different countries with [ __ ] nuclear arms we got bombs and tanks and jets and drones everybody sit the [ __ ] down so Canada's like above us and every now and then one of us is running from the law and they try to get into Canada so of course they have to have like really [ __ ] strict laws criminal Tendencies any cuntish they saw that coming a long time ago they're like n we got to shut it down I I appreciate it I and I that's why I have such a great time up in Canada cuz they do that they're so stringent it is great Canada really is awesome it's amazing I'm I'm at the River Creek Casino in June you're going to you're going to love that place yeah I've been to a bunch of times I got to say where my gigs are yeah I got them right here for you uh so next Wednesday uh dice will be at Westbury Music Fair and that is in Long Island where in Long Island uh um Westberry Westberry L that's next Wednesday and then Friday and Saturday he's at the Joker's Wild in New Haven Connecticut my old stomping Club I I used to do that club by when I lived in New relle and that should be a lot of fun and then uh next Sunday this is the big one Asbury Park New Jersey Bamboozled and who are you working with there well I'm going on right before Bon Joy holy sh I'll do my show and uh then he'll do his I don't know what stage I'm on but my show is the one right before him bie and he was I've met him a couple times I opened for them once in Queens I did this MTV theater in the round they were very nice guys and I always had you know opinion of him just real friendly guys but then I I read this thing when him and his wife they they own a restaurant and they have a restaurant
where the people that go to the restaurant pay whatever they can afford to pay so instead of like it being a soup kitchen people can go with dignity and just pay whatever little money they have for a for a nice meal and some they're like really compassionate nice people I've heard about that that's a wild concept that's a beautiful concept that's it's a beautiful thing that they do especially in this [ __ ] up economy so Props to Bon joy and you'll be here with him that's next Sunday Asbury Park New Jersey at Bamboozled that should be [ __ ] crazy dude thank you very much it's been an honor for me as a comic like I said when I came up man you were one of the guys that I really looked up to and so to have you on the podcast is like a crazy experience for me I'm super we'll do it again we'll do thanks thanks again for back in the day giving me advice and you really did you're were the reason why I decided to go on the road I listened to him you I was like yeah why don't I go on the road it made me a better comic too you know all the just going up at the store only can kind of make you a little bit of a monster you can become you could get sucked into its demonic spell and be real [ __ ] creep uh thank you everybody for tuning in to the podcast and we will see you next week we got a lot of show coming up next week next week we got Michael rert he's going to be here on Tuesday and Cha sunnon the day before on Monday and then Shane Smith will be the week after that we got a lot of [ __ ] going on a lot of uh lot of new people that I'm putting in we John Anthony West and I are exchanging emails so we're going to be doing that as well too which I'm [ __ ] super psyched about uh thanks to the Fleshlight for sponsoring us uh always our our first sponsor when nobody would take us seriously they've been there from the beginning and they're they're they're solid and it's a [ __ ] solid product as well go to Joe rogan.net click on the link for the Fleshlight enter in the code name Rogan and save yourself 15% and thank you to on itom that's o n niit t makers of Alpha Brain and various neut Tropics like shroom Tech Sport and shroom Tech immune and 5 HTP enhanced new mood go check that [ __ ] out and 100% money back guarantee on the first 30 pills you order you don't even have to selling this stuff back to us
just say it sucks and you get your money back use the code name Rogan save yourself 10% on any and all orders all right you dirty [ __ ] this is the end of this show but it is Friday and it's 7:00 in about 2 2 hours yeah 2 hours we will be doing the Ice House Chronicles and that takes place right here at the Ice House in Pasadena you can only listen to it on Des Squad so subscribe to the Des squad on iTunes or you can watch it on my Ustream page tonight this one here Joe Rogan ustream.tv Jo Rogan Hey Joe I got t-shirts on sale too I just went on sale [ __ ] death squad t-shirts pretty badass where can they get these Des squad. TV Des squad. TV click on Des Squad shop and there's stickers and shirts yeah and uh for all you rumor mongering [ __ ] faces out there that thought for some reason because me and Brian did a couple of podcasts away from each other I wasn't with my little snuggle bunny that there's some sort of bridge or a gap between us this is not true and he is my friend and Brian will always be on The Joe Rogan Experience as long as he wants to unless he gets really [ __ ] crazy unless he blows a fuse or gets AIDS all right that's it see you soon you dirty [ __ ] Ice House Chronicles 9:00 follow Dice Clay the real Dice Clay on Twitter and anything else dice I'm all good and follow this was great beautiful thank you sirate and follow Max how do you how what's Max's I'm at Max duzz comedy Max duzz comedy that's it follow Max follow dice follow redband r e DB an love you dirty [ __ ] we'll see you soon love [Music]