Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLfIS3OGUlU
[Music] all good we're up and running what's happening brother what's up joe rogan very nice to meet you officially very nice to officially meet you i've enjoyed your comedy online thanks man nice to see you in person friend of a friend of multiple friends you're in the tight group of excellent people yeah thanks you respect it yeah i got a lot of funny friends that are also [ __ ] weirdos yeah well i don't know a funny one that's not a weirdo yeah show me someone that's funny and they're not gonna be you know they can be they can be quiet but they're weird everyone who tells jokes for a living is [ __ ] weird psychos and phonies i said that to santino we're all either psychos or phones is there any phonies that are good though they get found out yeah psychos no the phonies they can trick you for a little it's got because you got to have a little sweetness in it and then they then they like whip it into you know what it is it's a oz the phonies are awesome they have like the big booming voice and everyone's like oh and then you just look behind the curtain and you're like um well the phone the scary for the phonies must be when they get caught stealing jokes because then they have to write all their own jokes afterwards and they don't really know how to do that that's hard it's the hardest it's the writing jokes it's the hardest coming up with premises fleshing them out trying to figure out the right way to do them seeing people with better jokes oh there's nothing more of a a dick pusher in than seeing someone with a great bit and you're like oh [ __ ] that's so good especially on a subject that maybe you were thinking about talking about and then this guy has this [ __ ] perfect bit about it you're like oh my god i missed it i was just in nashville and i saw chris porter do this bit about uh people that are worried about being chipped i'm not gonna give away the bit but i watched it and i watched the angles and he got off stage and i was like i was mad at you by like the third tag by the third tag i was like who the [ __ ] is this guy riding a damn near perfect where like the thought it's not where
you thought it was gonna go but it makes the most sense [ __ ] dude god damn it now you gotta go back to your hotel room and hate your act i gotta hate my act for a week there was a [ __ ] company in europe that was chipping their employees and for normal [ __ ] like getting into a door and like buying something in the commissary but that european attitude they're like oh it's it's fine i just i just chip in this the door opens and everything this is no problem i go get my little espresso and i come outside and shift yeah don't it's always that european attitude that makes me feel like are we as americans overly paranoid or are we right that's why like when that klaus schwab guy talks yeah i don't even know who that is you could have made that name that sounds like a made-up name oh my god he's the head of the world economic forum and he dresses like a bad guy in a comic book not kidding if you have that i'm telling you if you're that kind of power do that why not do that yeah honestly thanks i think you should lean into like you should start advertising yourself as like a bond villain think about it dude you got the you got the compound in texas you know karate you're already a bond villain dude and then you just then you can just sit in a chair and be like jamie pull it up the world must pay me do it dude you can do it i wish that was a real thing but this guy is a real thing dude i can't wait to see this guy check this guy out now let me show you what he looks like though can you say his name again but let me klaus schwab no but let me show you what he looks like with his crazy outfit on damn dude he's a basset hound oh there's a lot of pictures but create klaus schwab uh superhero outfit put that on just just type that in google cloud because he looks like a [ __ ] superhero like a bad guy like a super villain don't you yeah oh there it is is that a bowler who is what is this what is that space federation you will never have your freedom yeah do you leave and control your chips he looks like he makes he makes pod people imagine walking out of the house with
that on going oh yeah honey do you have my weird insulated vest what is that where's my bro is that a brooch is that pl is that like the patagonia type material i bet it's just a [ __ ] thing dude that's awesome oh my god that makes me think he's worn a mask at an orgy oh for sure if you're wearing that in public you're putting on deer antlers in a robe and [ __ ] someone you're going to bohemian glue yeah yeah yeah you're going to be one of those guys you're in a marble room [ __ ] a lady that worked at twin peaks bro what is that outfit jamie get that photograph and we're going to make a large metal print of it for the studio hell yeah i think we need klaus i am klaus schwab but when you hear him talk about the young global leaders of the world economic forum you're like oh my god you're you're a movie guy you're a character you're a living villain yeah a living villain and lean into it well he's a guy that's like you should have a henchman supposedly if you follow the conspiracy theories he's like orchestrating this the great reset he even wrote a book about the great reset and then there's like conspiracy theories what does the great reset mean you know is it like they're talking about like some sort of a financial reset it gives the [ __ ] out of me no live comic book life make it really make it [ __ ] make it weird as [ __ ] i would say if you're gonna do that like give the conspiracy people what they want just a little bit don't actually do the bad [ __ ] but like have a photo of you with like a goat sacrifice dude i would pay if i was klaus schwab i would pay a lot of money to have a lot of money and then dress a person up as an alien and somehow leak a photo of us shaking hands and then just drop it on google and then watch everyone be like what the [ __ ] is this yeah you would you'd want to drop it through like some german website yeah yeah like or a defunct paper yeah and you're like oh this is weird i found this old picture of klaus schwab in a gray that's the problem it's like as much as we complain about like the new york times the washington post imagine if all of your news just came from websites well look at the other way look at it
the other way it's all a thing that someone could build in a day yeah like the new york times you can hate them what they are but that is an institution yeah you know what they have offices yeah they have a payroll they have a history yes you can just have a website drop a picture of klaus schwab and it's going to be like where did this come from and but then the internet the internet does what the internet does best and they take something and run with it oh yeah and so then it would just be awesome yeah there's going to be conspiracy theories about why mike tyson lit that dude up on that plane real simple that dude was a douchebag and he was like you see the other videos annoying one of the baddest [ __ ] that's ever walked the face of the earth talk about kicking a beehive what the [ __ ] are you doing dude that's not even kicking a beehive it's like smashing it's head butting a beehive it's like trying to put your dick in a sleeping bear's mouth like he just walked up and was like i'm gonna lower my weiner right into the bear's mouth mike tyson also there's a video that came out of the angle of him talking to someone and he's like talking [ __ ] in a way where you're like this guy's hammered and doesn't know what's coming because i bet in his head he's like he won't punch me he can't punch me oh my god i bet he's a guy that thinks mike tyson's hands are registered lethal weapon he strikes me as that guy he's like and he by the way i saw the guy's shape and i was like that guy kicked the [ __ ] out of me that was the thing that people would always say right registers hands deadly weapons i think i said it i've spread that around i've been putting out that propaganda be like you know i have to register their hands i'm that that's my level of dumb yeah where you tell me that and i'm like i knew that was true i wonder if it's a state thing or a federal thing you is that a county or federal thing i don't know that's one of them old-school karate dojo things that's what that is i loved it i mean you were doing karate in the 80s you were actually doing karate but what's funny about the 80s is people
just put on outfits you've seen that a couple times in your life like junk food yeah you've seen that a couple times in your life because you know what i always think about was ufc when dudes would just rock affliction shirts oh yeah man and i lived in silver foil writing yeah i lived in tucson in the early 2000s and you just see big dudes and affliction shirts and here's the thing i'm not gonna test that theory there was the style yeah and they were like super gelled up hair and they're just mean mugging everyone i was rocking liquor t-shirts and shitty dungarees i was like i ain't got to see if this guy knows how to fight or not i don't give a [ __ ] those are the early days that's when things were wild that's affliction had their own promotion yeah i remember that they got fedor didn't they i remember i worked at uh k rock in new york when stern left they like turned it to free fm and then they brought it back k rock with opie and anthony and i was doing like overnights and i bought i somehow got that affliction fight on the tv in the old ona studio and that felt like i was like dude this is this is better than working i'm getting paid to watch this fade or i mean it was a quick fight but yeah he fought over there a couple times right he fought tim sylvia yeah i think he fought andre olofsky over there too yeah he was fun he was like was that affliction were they both affliction i don't know i think i know the sylvia fight was affliction they spent a lot of [ __ ] money man they went crazy they they tried to go crazy i knew one of the owners shout out to mr atencio he's a cool [ __ ] they're they're cool people i also just had the realization that i'm talking to joe rogan about this like i was weird just having a conversation i'm like i'm talking to a guy that actually knows these people like it's like a bar talk where you're like yeah but i do that too i know that's what yeah the silvia one was yeah that's it tim sylvia was a quick one um and that so they had two events 2008 shout out 2008 for me drinking beers in the k rock studios they might have had more than two um events uh yeah but they def definitely had those
two did they have more than two events does it say how many events did affliction mma have i think it was just those two and that [ __ ] they were high level i mean that must have [ __ ] him with the ufc just being like hey we're gonna do our own fight promotion you're like what's up you know the the ufc is like good luck that's what they look like i mean dana's super competitive obviously but they were never worried about it they were trying to get fedor for a long time so it was kind of a bummer he was he was one of those guys you want to talk about like villainous that they built up online and they were like you got these guys [ __ ] this russian did you ever watch him fight oh yeah it was great you just watch him dominate people and you're like and i like his face he looks like he owns a good diner yeah yeah oh you have hello buddy he sits down you bring beautiful wife you hang out and then you just watch him take tim sylvia a giant yeah and just [ __ ] his [ __ ] up up he [ __ ] everybody's [ __ ] up i like dudes who can fight that look like they're just sweet cherub boys was the ultimate because he was never ripped yeah i mean even when he was in his prime absolute prime he always had some body fat on him that's why uh as a guy that's grown into having a body that's like i have like 70s wwf body do you know there's something to be said for that because having a little bit of fat on you doesn't look as good because you're not a shredded but you jiggle you seem like you have a little bit more endurance really i don't know like he was pretty fat he's our sloppy king fedor is the slobber yeah look at that one picture of him there yeah yeah dude he just beat the [ __ ] his brother was jacked his brother was covered in tattoos so my question is do you think fedor who's the bat one of the baddest dudes of all time yeah is mad that his brother's got a better body do you think there's that insecurity i think anything gets him mad if cage fights don't get him mad why would anything get he never changes his expression he's never angry he's never like when he wins when he wins it's just like
yep another day in office the man is hurt i want to go have bath dude he pulled off some of the most spectacular submissions and finishes and he would climb off like he you know just just left a bathroom i would do absolutely if i got to finish a quick finish in a fight i would be jumping up on that cage i'd be doing somersaults i'd just be rolling around that ring because i can't imagine to be that cool about being that badass yeah is the coolest thing i think that's one of the reasons why he's that badass i think it's his mind he's just shut down he's like physically he's got amazing tools like he he fights very well off his back he fights very well standing up his tools are amazing no doubt but there's nothing about him that's exceptional in terms of like strength or speed or it's it's all like really good yeah but there's cert certain guys like alistair over him in his prime that was so [ __ ] strong so you want to talk about superheroes oh my god he was the superhero that guy was built like you could put him in just tight like with a star on his chest and be like it's justice man and it would look real when he was the k1 grand prix champion he was like it didn't make sense that anyone built like that was actually a fighter he was like a bodybuilder almost which is funny because i grew up he was so jacked dude look at our sloppy king on the left our sloppy king would be a heavy favorite in an mma fight between those two back then i not only that's when he's fighting brock lesnar bro damn i mean what the [ __ ] i would not only would i have a perfect body not only would i bet money on fedor look at you in the back you're just looking at like why not but fedor is a guy that i would not only bet money on a fight but then want food recommendations right he probably know where the good russian delis are even the things you want you get the good blinds and you're eating with your friend and you know you know fedor told me about this yeah that [ __ ] dude eats yeah yeah he enjoys life yeah yeah yeah i hope he wears a lot of clothes with fur on them because he deserves to do do you think he drinks
oh yeah in a cool way must in like a uh nondescript bottle into a glass his brother was a [ __ ] beast man and his brother drank a lot those russians and those eastern europeans i'm a nuggets fan so we have nicola yokic i look at him hammered hammered with a bottle of vodka holy is that real is that a real photo that looks a little photoshopped that also could just be a fraternity member in like ohio state that could be a guy that could be a book dog just like a [ __ ] hammer or the baddest dude on the planet yeah oh dude the last emperor's a cool name too and people used to always go online they would make fun of his uh his sweater of victory because he had all these like really like charlie brown looking sweaters like he dressed like such a dad i [ __ ] love that he dressed like such a dad he was the baddest man in russia yeah and then he would come it was like uh he was like a myth in the united states because they couldn't get him in the ufc so they were like dude this guy in russia yeah cause like you know what my friends i'm a casual fight fan but then my friends who are super into it like lewis and dave smith were like dude fedor this guy's [ __ ] crazy he was awesome but the thing about it is by the time he was coming to like strike force when like fabricio over doom beat him like he had already had so many years on the clock yeah it's like i when i think about fedor when i think about fighters i think about fighters during their peak period of performance and during fader's peak period of performance was the nogara fights it was um and then the nigerian brothers were like they like flew him to russia being like this is the fight of the century right like when they fought well when nogueira noguero i think i want to say noguera lost the title to fedor see if that's true i'm pretty sure he lost his strength this the pride title could he get the belt around his [ __ ] torso yeah that'd be awesome if you like sometimes they just carry them on their shoulders anyway but i know but i can't snap my heads too big i can't wear a snapback you can't wear any snapbacks it's on the last one or it pops i [ __ ] hate it i'm like dude i like
velcro better anyway yeah i do fitted because i have to wear wear tonight if anyone's wondering it's a big that's a big head bro you got a lot of brain in there yeah i think or water maybe let's see if i can reach this table bam you ever seen those videos dudes like smashing bricks with their [ __ ] forehead oh yeah tree punching videos tree punching is one thing it hurts your hand it doesn't change the way you think imagine being so dumb i forgot changed the way you think on purpose you guys went out to the woods and forgot a couple cousins because i was just smashing my [ __ ] head into a tree this is one video of a dude tries and it doesn't work and then he tries again and he's basically ko'd and he's wobbling around because he just headbutted some [ __ ] marble is he doing that like wait he was doing marble it wasn't on some thick ass stone whatever the [ __ ] it was any of those break videos again growing up on action movies in the 80s and the 90s anytime they showed the brick breaking scenes i'd always be like eh that's not for me i get all the training but that just seems did you ever do that in karate were you breaking boards we would open up a new school we would do demonstrations and one of the things that people wanted to see was people breaking boards see i broke boards this is a lot of boards did not only broke boards during demonstrations we never even practiced it so you wouldn't just be at home with your friend and you're like dude get that board up and then just [ __ ] jump off the couch and karate kick it no we never practiced breaking boards we just practiced for tournaments so like when we were breaking a board it was just for fun you just like yeah you just kick it you just kick it like they break easy they they break so easy yeah but i'm trying to think of me i'm trying to try to kick a board and just missing and being like [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] you shouldn't be doing a demonstration yeah did you guys do it to music [ __ ] yeah dude just coming out just with fritzy music and [ __ ] star-spangled banner shorts on yeah people like me should not i shouldn't take karate because you're seeing i i
idolize all the wrong things or i'm like i'll just be showing off for my friends but those things that's like what gets people into real martial arts the best part about like those even the karate kid like do you how many people enrolled in karate schools after the karate kid holy [ __ ] it must have been nuts i mean the money they were making that's why i loved uh fist foot way with danny because you're like that's probably the most realistic description of a guy who's like [ __ ] it i'll make money do you know about mcdojo life no okay mcdojo life is an account on instagram okay it's [ __ ] amazing it's all fake karate guys and fake kung fu guys and fake martial like death touch guys yeah like fall down like a guy comes at him with a knife he's like ah or they do that thing where they just like do a quick toss and then they're done and it's clearly not a move he had one he put up today that showed a key gong specialist key gonzo energy people and the making dudes come look look at this like that waving that i do yeah that's the only slide i have to go like this i got a fish swim dude it's got music attached to it but so is this technically a rubbing tug it's no it's a hovering tower yeah he's like he can't get popped the cops come in and they're like dude i came but he didn't touch me he just did the hover nut yeah just like just pulling a nut out of you like a snake charmer so this guy has all of the don't go to the one the middle this one does he with his hair watch watch this just uses his hair that's great there is another parody there is a indie wrestler uh that did that with his dick wrestler where the his finishing move was someone would grab his junk and then he would flip him and he would like get up like that was the whole point of his [ __ ] i'm trying to remember what this guy's name john johnny something he was uh yeah but that's i always love watching the videos you used to post a lot of them she did it to ken shamrock here oh no way did he really oh yeah joey ryan that's who it is yeah this is ken shamrock grabbing this guy's dick it's joey he's like the whole dress come on imagine you have to practice yeah you're like all right dude just do the move also he's holding it oh
my god he's holding it longer for the move it's like he's got a magnetized dick though yeah but if you're shamrock you're like all right buddy you're taking like three more seconds that i need he just wants a lot of photos yeah and then they do this but the videos that you used to post of guys that are like fake karate that's from this guy oh and then fighting yeah yeah and then i read that story about in china where that mma fighter came here and trained yeah and then went over there and fought like oh yeah yeah chinese yeah i don't forget what the guy's name is but he bought him he was shunned by the country yeah he [ __ ] the dude up and the country was like hey yeah yeah it's like yeah it's kind of our yeah china does not like any disparagement of like their traditional martial arts or that kind of thing they did not like that they do like their martial arts fighter like there's a woman named zhang wei lee yeah yeah she's former champion one of the top uh women 150 one of the greatest fights i've ever seen in my life her and joanna oh my god oh my god it was insane oh my god first off when you see johanna's face after the fight you're like that's photoshop there's a football in her head her head was like a football was glued onto her head remember oddities on mtv where the guy would crawl out of the brain that's what it looks imagine if whaley landed like an elbow yeah you would have been in the splash zone oh my god it would have been like a gallagher show you would have just dumped i've ever had because the way it formed up so much fluid in there it was crazy oh that's all blood she had like a court like it was like realistically remember when you went to high school you had those little milks yeah one of those yeah the little boxes well half pint of milk i love this that has a half a pint of fluid in her [ __ ] head so she could have gone like do you think if she would have walked up after the phone like hey good fight like that yeah i just pimple poppered it all over you and her as you're interviewing her she's oh look at that bro it's bigger than i remember it looks like it's huge it looks like the black hole sun video it looks like sound gardens black hole
sun when they make their eyes all [ __ ] that's crazy that is nuts dude i forgot how big it was it's insane that was right after the fight it's not like it's the next day and it's had time that's like yeah it's so crazy you know you know what makes me think about like early man you know when you look at those uh those when they find those skeletons of early man the forehead was always so much bigger i wonder if they just were getting hit a lot by everything right yeah there weren't roads they'd just walk through branches just taking shots from trees and enough like fights and stuff that would that would happen on a normal basis where your head would swell up like joanna's but you also have to realize that we weren't as smart back then so like let's say you're a guy and you take a fall and you get a joanna lump like that and you go back to your tribe and they're like you have the devil in your head you're you're evil you have something going on because they don't understand what the [ __ ] that it's blood like we know that you can immediately be like right they might be thinking that you're like becoming a thing or maybe a god you're smart you go into it if you smart you come back with enough brain damage to be like bow before me i can think more than anyone one thing i absolutely believe happened is people who had mushrooms who figured out mushrooms before everybody else they're the ones who started the cults it's like dude vikings yeah oh yeah they used to go rage yeah when you go to i went to sweden it was like one of the first vacations i took and i was like i want to go see queens of the stone age in sweden oh wow it's [ __ ] rad dude it was awesome it was one of the best shows i've ever seen in my life josh on once i know dude he's one of he's one of my favorites and he uh i got to see him at this outdoor amusement you know because it's like light there late so the whole concert was light but i went to the viking museum and they were like there's a part where they're like these mushrooms like try to try to do it quick and you're like dude that's [ __ ] and then you look it up
and they would rage and that's weird that that's a tiny part of the story that's a big part of the story dude it's the motivation well they were in a zone they were literally tripping balls hacking people to death dude if you if it didn't work and you're just like looking around guys guys i'm not feeling it and they're just burning huts and [ __ ] but there was a study done there was a guy who's i think he was a psychologist he did a study on mushrooms and he found that it it measurably increased visual acuity so what his study was the way the study worked is they have like two parallel lines and then they move one line slightly off parallel and the people on mushrooms could detect that quicker than the people who are sober because your eyes are [ __ ] wow yeah you're out when i was 16 my buddy brian is like easily the smartest kid i know grew up with and loved the most drugs and got mushrooms and we took mushrooms and then we were in the good times parking lot good times birthday party 16. and i'm sitting there and i eat it with brian and he was so smart that he explained to me what was gonna happen as it was happening so he goes all right you've eaten the mushrooms the psilocybin is gonna go into your stomach lining and then it's gonna open your reti you're gonna you're gonna let more light in so you're gonna have a problem with shadows and distance and i was like i remember smoking a cigarette in the parking lot being like oh [ __ ] i just seem to be like whoa because you just notice [ __ ] right because your eyes are just like oh and then he's like my favorite part is like you're gonna think you know everything almost immediately i'm like you know what i think school i don't do well in school i like self-diagnosing myself i got adhd i think i don't know i'm i'm not a lot of psilocybin yeah and then as it came down it was crazy it was like the best experience to do a drug for the first time now imagine if you knew about that but all the rest of your village didn't and you knew where the mushrooms were and you had taken them a couple of times and he said you know what these
[ __ ] need to be under my thumb they need to be under my rules let's make some stew they're just like you just tell them what to do and tell them you're in touch with god and you're going to give them a little piece of god and they're like oh my god how do you know this and if someone speaks to me it's the confidence yeah they've done it they've been there they probably might believe it yeah that's how i always felt about like um whenever i've been nervous about something in comedy there's always you always talk to someone older and they're over it like what kind of stages like when i started i uh i went on the road with bobby kelly he's one of the best he's like my older brother i love bobby bobby is one of the funniest human beings and makes me i can call him and just laugh like any time i want but i open for him and bobby's bobby you know boston tough and [ __ ] and he's like you [ __ ] you love featuring dude you're featuring you're having fun huh doing did you talk your best jokes in the middle of the show call me when you're a headliner have the fun with that you know and then i was headlining and i was in kansas city and i was just bombing bombing and i was doing like wednesday through sunday it's one of those long weeks you know it might have been a tuesday through sunday and it's just like a thursday and i'm walking through a hot target parking lot and i call bobby and i'm like [ __ ] bombing dude this sucks and i'm intimidated and he's like yeah you know what you want to be a headliner huh well now you're a headliner and you're [ __ ] this is what happens and then he told me he's like it's not a big deal it's not going to be [ __ ] in two years so just walk through it and then that confidence of him being like over it and being like hey dude whatever you're working a week you're going to do this a lot the rest of your life you're like oh [ __ ] all right it just it was a small comfort you need those sets yeah they're they're important those those sets that suck the humbling teach you things the great humblers when you just come through and just get ear-holed i have some from the 90s i still think about i have an open mic i swear to god joe i have an open mic in
tucson arizona at laughs comedy club i was telling my friend jesse campbell about this the other month when i was in minnesota i remember everything about the bomb it was a three-minute open mic set and i lasted a minute 16. i lasted i couldn't even fill my time and it was all premises i was just going up there being like you guys uh you ever go on a a date my tv is busted and it's just like i was just how many times have you done an open mic before that oh months like i was i was an open micro but i was like making here's the thing this is why i [ __ ] me up i was making progress i was like getting jokes together and then you hit a wall and then just got [ __ ] ear hold and then you bomb and then it's that thing where you have to go sit with it and just be like what am i actually doing with my life you can still smoke inside then which was cool i remember those just those bombs yeah the bombs were like i think i should quit yeah i had one i told this on the bonfire with jay we were we were at like they were uh at stand-up new york playing as comedy central presents like 2007 or eight when jay got one and i was like a open micro you know running around and i did a check spot in front of patrice and jay and bombed so hard that i walked out of the club called the girl i was dating it was like i i think i got to quit i don't know this is i don't think this is going if you did a check spot meaning there's a spot where they they drop the checks yes only one spot they do that so in new york they do a showcase club you know just like right store or whatever but they what they do is they do five comics and then a check spot where everyone pays their bills at the same time oh my god and so that's how i got in in new york was i was like no one's coming for this isn't that funny that we just assume people can't keep it together when they're paying the bill and they can't but they start talking you lose the room how much did you get how much is it
nine bucks for a [ __ ] and they're like 28 divided by six yes what is it is it 15 yeah i mean i still do you know i still get checks dropped on me in clubs and you're like and you're but that's also what we're talking about like how bombs are good for you yeah when i was doing a check spot i learned how to win the room i learned how to like oh i can get them also you also learn like a little bit phonies and psychos you learn how to be like politick and be like all right how can i get the least amount of brutal time like how can you right right because i don't want to you i mean dude it was you would go up there and be talking to a room that's not paying attention yeah it buttfucks your ego you get off stage when you're crazy they do that for one spot they're like one spot that's designated that way that's not it's is that the right way to do it i don't know but they people just have their [ __ ] [ __ ] together well most clubs now like the seller does it after the show you you you do the show and then you pay oh that's the perfect way to do it yeah but there was like but that was also you know i could complain about it but that's how i got my in in new york i was just a glutton for punishment right you just took those check spots and this this uh great comic mike britt who i love to death i'll never forget was like any time i'm hosting at stand-up new york you can do the check spots oh wow and i was like for me i was like dude this is at that you gotta take it you gotta take it and then you would bomb and you would watch everyone walk out and they'd just be like the other comics like you're so good and they see you they're like hey did you ever have a good one did you figure it out yeah i started getting good at it was there like a skill or talk by watching guys like patrice and big j i was able to be like oh engage with someone and then it spreads because people are naturally curious so if you're talking and people are laughing they're like you pay what's going on and then you get you get people's you learn how to like get the room to listen to you so it got by the end where it was like when i started doing real spots that was funny is you'd i'd go do a bar
show where everyone's listening and i'm like oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] everyone's paying attention to me everyone's like there to listen to jokes so it was a very valuable but for two years man just like i'll be at stand-up new york on friday night just [ __ ] bombing bombing dude it's just and then like watching a guy one time there was this dude i'll never forget there's this guy the way stand up new york was it was like long tables so everyone's like kind of but they turn to watch you this dude's just looking forward and i'm bombing and i'm just like this [ __ ] guy can't even look at me and then i see him just do this and i'm like he's blind he's [ __ ] blind i thought he was just not listening to me and instead he was like what's up oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] and now i'm bombing like it's like a inception bomb right now yeah and now he can like smell me being like it [ __ ] sucked oh my god but you had all those coming up 100 would you just get [ __ ] crushed i did bachelor parties with no microphone how exactly how the bachelor parties they don't want to see you they don't want to see me they want to see women yeah this is a poor choice you're making one of many poor choices uh dude whenever there's a bachelor party at a comedy club you're like guys who who chose wrong yeah this is this is well bachelor party at a comedy club is fine but it can't also but a bachelor party where a dude with no microphone is telling jokes and he's been telling jokes for exactly 14 months it's like you know when you describe injuries and your injuries start hurting i'm like oh i'm like my breath's getting shallow i'm like because how would you how do you start that show yes you just go do you clap a lot are you like well i was you know i was young and dumb at the time i was like 22. just you just did it yeah i just did it i was like let me just do it here we go hey guys doing a show thank you very much thanks for uh hiring me for your show for you but good luck with the wedding you're gonna [ __ ] need it and then everybody laughs and you know you go into some jokes i'd have
to have some joke about marriage or something yeah something something to get them all traffic sucks it does suck i like this love getting here yeah i um you know i started in tucson and there was casinos around oh and the desert diamond casino would do this show on monday nights where they pay a hundred dollars to open for whoever the headliner was the weekend before would stay around and it was like a good money gig for them and the club asked me they're like do you want to open monday at the desert diamond casino for ben creed and i was like [ __ ] yes i do and they're like can you do 30 minutes yeah i had six maybe six they sent me out it's a monday night monday night football i remember the game it was the steelers chargers bar is packed with charger fans because tucson san diego it's not that far from each other end of the monday night football game the chargers miss a field goal and lose to the steelers in a casino where there's probably i don't know if there's betting going on probably the guy the bartender goes around and turns off all of the tvs and just puts the mic on the stand he goes there you go and i had to go out there and be like hey what's up with missing field goals like i had nothing and i i bombed for 30 minutes but i did my time because that was like you know i was like i got to do the 30 and they're not going to give me my 100. i was up on this large stage and then i announced ben creed and he just walks to the foot of the stage and he's like give me the microphone he's like i'm not getting up on that stage it just starts murdering standing in front of him and i was like dude that walk off the tall stage i was like damn dude i bombed and i look like an idiot and then i just went and got drunk on the hundred dollars they gave me i was like this [ __ ] sucks i did this bar gig in uh boston and the first time we did it they left the television on and the hockey game was on so no one was paying attention to the comedy show yeah
and uh you know so they we came back and the booker was like how was the gig and i said well it's good except they they keep a hockey game on while you're doing stand-up and no one's paying attention and they're all talking and cheering when the game so it's like yeah you're doing stand-up for the few people that are paying attention yeah and they said well that's that's uh not good we're gonna have them take the the tv and shut it off next time we have a comedy show so the next time we have a comedy show there they shut the tv off in the middle of the [ __ ] game yeah let's say we're gonna have a live comedy show which was way worse because now people are mad at you and they're not there if they are there for comedy they're embarrassed that the people are angry that they're there for you know what i mean they're like what the [ __ ] going on it was just blind boston hockey fan rage like what the [ __ ] [ __ ] jokes the new england area be very careful what sports overlap with your comedy shows cause right i was doing comedy connection it was the patriots in the ravens on a saturday night nfl playoff game and they're like hey so uh you know there's like five minutes left in the game about to start the show in like 10 minutes i was like i will do less time yeah we're going to show the end of that game yeah because i'm not i'm not having you pull that screen up and have me be like yeah what's going on in the world i wanted to watch tom brady beat the ravens thank god the patriots won in the show was great and i did like 30 minutes isn't it crazy though if the patriots lost the show might have been shittier dude it's a real possibility it affects it genuinely affects how people how people feel my favorite story of this of sports affecting it is i used to open for nate bargetse he's one of my best friends love that dude he's one of the funniest human beings he's one of the best comics working yeah he's great but he i mean we do [ __ ] gigs together you know it's like when your buddy first starts headlining and they're like they're like dude [ __ ] come open for me and you're like absolutely this is great you feel like you're stealing money right you're like dude i'll come open for you this is gonna be great
we did this place in erie pennsylvania called junior's last laugh and it's it's a big room it's a real big room and the guy the owner is like saturday's sold out it's a it's a christmas party this was in january he's like it's a christmas party it's 550 people saturday and the rest of the shows are sparse so we're like this is going to be the big show it's like working up all weekend nate and i go to buffalo wild wings on that saturday no i'm good i might do more of that joint you rip a cigar i'll rip a joint um i'm as a former cigarette smoker cigars make me just want to be like too close give me a pack of camo yeah it's too close stop dry humping me i wanna smoke a [ __ ] cigarette so we're we're at uh the saturday comes and we're at buffalo wild wings and nate and i are watching football and i'm like hey who's the afternoon game and he's like uh steelers ravens one of the biggest rivalries in the nfl and we're in steeler country erie pennsylvania is like steeler country dude we show up to that show 500 people they said 400 are in the bar watching the steeler game a hundred are in this giant room waiting for comedy oh my god everyone's waiting for the is watching the steeler game it's going on how much more time it's the first quarter it's like the game aligns with the show oh no and i'm featuring i get so [ __ ] lucky that my set lines up with halftime it's halftime i go up a lot of them go in the room they're not that great of a crowd i finish nate goes on he maybe has five minutes with him in the room second half starts they flood out i'm in the room watching nate because i'm like dude this is a memorable show there's no way i'm never gonna forget this show and nate is just he's got his same tone you know and he's just some of the best jokes he's just [ __ ] saying him and that he would say a joke the people in the room would laugh and then you'd hear like out at the bar like and it would just [ __ ] cut through the walls they
were laughing or they were cheering cheering cheering like [ __ ] going because the steelers won right right they're like and then nate's like my wife you know i come home late doing comedy and then you hear like it's just like tearing through and i'm sitting there drinking a beer being like dude this is i gotta watch this because this is a memorable nate's getting [ __ ] right now by the steelers it was great it was a very fun thing and now you watch them you know do theaters and [ __ ] but it's interesting that all those people that paid for tickets but the game was so important to them they wanted to watch it right there and then they would rather waste money and stand shoulder to shoulder in a tight bar watching a [ __ ] tiny tv yeah that's why i always think like you know comedy it's it's always you got to be humble you just got to be like dude this we ain't [ __ ] for sure this is like if a [ __ ] nfl game can make people waste money to be like i don't give a [ __ ] about this clown not just that though but like live sporting events are really becoming like the best option for tv yeah because it's the only thing that you have to watch when it's happening everything else is streaming now everything's streaming spoilers people take them yeah better now but sports is like you can you can also watch it on your phone you can just be active in it in a way where you're like yeah you can watch it i would say the nfl is like it probably a bigger religion than some religions in this country like the because i know i do i love the 49ers and i like put it in my calendar to be like alright the 49ers are playing sunday i can't i got to be home by this time to watch them play the [ __ ] cardinals you played college ball didn't you no i sucked in football dude you suck at football i sucked at athletics you know what i learned i learned that's when i was funny so i was like did you play high school yeah i played high school football and i i could run into people fast with my big
head that was it i didn't know like i didn't know [ __ ] schemes i didn't know anything i was just like my friends played football i loved football i wanted to be good at it one in the cards dude do you see the origins of football no they invented it to get people's mind off a war they gave people like extraction to like hey let's do tiny trench wars and then now it's now it crowns people 100 millionaires with leather helmets on back then too that [ __ ] was wild you know i think there's part of me that thinks like uh the more and more the cte conversation gets brought up and they talk about helmets and stuff yeah why don't we go back to face take off the face mask i wonder if dudes would run into each other they will definitely some dudes will the problem is yeah the psychos are like psychos i'm already numbed up i'll run into you full face look at that that looks like a swim team now look how small they were did i bet those guys could [ __ ] you know what i mean i bet they were smaller i bet like now but then i bet they could grab you with that dad's strength and you'd be like oh [ __ ] yeah people were different look at that guy laying on the bottom that guy laying on the bottom right there would probably run through me like a piece of paper the guy that's doing this playgirl spread that looks like the front cover the best gay porn yeah they're like why look it's the running twinks from 1882. they just could [ __ ] run right through me this is a college game penn penn state uh penn state in 1901 penn just pen damn dude rocking the stripes looking like the hamburglar so did they play with no helmets back then at all oh look at the top hat look at that dude if your coach had to wear a top hat like that a man wouldn't you love to go back in time and just watch it practice yeah just yeah watch him talk and do you think they had helmets for anything back there besides war like there wasn't a
bicycle helmet oh my god bicycle helmets didn't even drop to the 70s i think it wasn't even safe i've never had a bicycle home yeah those guys were probably like why you can't restrict your brain or else you'll go crazy put anything on your head you go nuts because you don't have like science it's like as soon as they gave people bicycle helmets they started doing flips for real that's that's what i mean that's what i mean like with the face masks you're not you take a face mask off i don't know if a dude's gonna get throw his body the way he is but it's gonna be like it's gonna be like legalizing drugs there's going to be a break-in period yeah where things are going to get [ __ ] there's going to be like a period of transition which is what a fun period watch fun but with football that could be a real issue like that period of transition where people go for playing football with pads yeah to playing football with no pads because that's what they should be doing anything you could do when you're wearing armor you're wearing armor come on well it gives you like yeah you know i think that's why people talk [ __ ] online so well because it's like you got a mask you got an armor you got a distance of course you can just [ __ ] talk that [ __ ] definitely so you can let stuff out so you're right it's like you take the armor off yeah what's football it's a weird game well australians do it yeah it's not disparaging football it's a dope game it's weird in that they they're armored like if you look at like the way rugby guys it feels cool i'm not going to lie part of the farmer yeah [ __ ] you it was like close i sucked at it so knowing that i'm gonna go get laid out i was still like putting on my pads like this is [ __ ] cool and then just getting i got i used to practice when i was in high school and i was on jv and you'd have to go against varsity and a guy would just grab you and just be like you're gonna go in the dirt now i just put you in the dirt and just hold you there and you're like it [ __ ] sucks like what's funny is shane was awesome at football yeah and then he
showed me a picture and i saw him in his pads and i was like you would uh kick the [ __ ] out of me every day and practice you look he's got helmet face yes like his hell his face fits perfectly in a helmet it formed that boy exactly my face is so far back but i yet i have a bigger head shane's got a trainer now i know yeah he's working out he was puffing up on me he showed him his guns i was like dude those are big this is a this is my impression this is my impression of shane flexing that's it that's pretty good you guys touch me dude the face the mouth is pretty good i could do a good shane face uh but yeah dude we were in nashville together and he's like i was like all right yeah no he's getting buffed i got so soft during covid i just ate and sat around and then everyone came back out and i was like i'm all mushy it's hard if you live in an apartment man if they're if there's lockdowns everywhere and you live in an apartment and you got no what are you gonna do you're gonna work out in your kitchen yeah a lot of people did so my poor girlfriend has to hear me breathing doing push-ups like have you ever wanted to let it go have you ever wanted to just be like like [ __ ] sober october do like a lazy january where you just don't you don't work out i'll just get depressed it won't be it's not good okay that's not smart that doesn't make any sense to me it's like that won't feel good like i don't mind working out is that just me being lazy and be like get down in the mud joe it's i don't mind effort it's like it's so normal to me like today i did not want to work out today yeah but i knew that that's just this thing that you have to go through in the earliest part of the workout to start breaking a sweat yeah so i just trudged through the first couple of minutes like i always do yeah but that voice is always there man that voice is [ __ ] voice my voice is so good at getting me to say [ __ ] it my voice is like dude take a nap salesman i'm like yeah you're right dude take a nap yeah rule um
it's not good you don't have to it's also your body's used to it your body's used to those endorphins and [ __ ] it's used to it and uh my mind is used to it maybe even more than my body that's the most important thing yeah when i have a good cardio workout especially nothing [ __ ] bothers me man really nothing i'm cool but no matter what i'm like we're good that's a good pitch for working out it's there's something to it man because you gotta i don't think you it's just comes from straight exercises i think it comes from exhaustion actual exhaustion and then recovery from that exhaustion there's like a level of peace and clarity yeah that i only achieved through these brutal workouts and so i'm not missing that because if that was a pill if my psychiatrist got me on that pill i'd be like dude thank you this is the [ __ ] this is the one really oh my god it's the one all my problems my anxiety it's all out the window now and i'm more loving i'm more friendly i'm more forgiving i'm i'm just i'm i have more clarity do you take days off yeah occasionally yeah i'll take a day off i don't know it's not i'm not scared to not like i have to work out every day it's just i know i should work out every day because i take a day off and then i'm like what about two days wow and then i'm like what about three days off well sometimes i've gone too far and uh i over trained like i'm too exhausted i'm like i went a little nutty and then the next day i'll take two days off i'll take a couple days off and then i'll come back do you love those days cause you're just like sometimes i love days off if i could if i earned it yeah right if i'm just taking a day off and say like if we don't have any podcasts and uh i didn't do anything that day i didn't work out i didn't i didn't write i didn't do [ __ ] i just laid around the house that's not fun oh is it though that's not fun to compare my laziness with yours i'm like i don't know joe i would go as far as to say it is very enjoyable to lay around but that's kind of what i did during the pandemic and then trying to get back like getting back on the road full-time was like a thing where i was like oh [ __ ] that was in a way
like i was in shape yeah and now i'm out of shape i was like super i would come home on sunday and be [ __ ] exhausted exhausted just being like i did five shows that and now it's back to being nothing but then it was like mentally i didn't realize going to the airport traveling yeah going to the hotel preparing the sets writing jokes during the day it felt so relaxed it was i missed it i missed like it's great to be back on the road now and it's great to like go back out and just do stand-up and yeah you know have fun and have every show be fun well you realize what you almost got taken away forever dude it's the most amazing job i was laughing about it it became funny at one point because like my end of 2019 probably the best run i've ever had in my life to the point where i was like so you were right there i was having something i was having so much fun my girlfriend and i met started dating that was awesome the 49ers were in the playoffs my buddy from middle school was coaching them you know i was having so much fun i put out an hbo special that i was proud of i was adding shows everyone's like you gotta add shows i'm used to i'm 50 dan baby i'm apologizing to waitresses i'm saying i'm sorry you can't make rent month rent this month it's always there like we got to add an early show on thursday what is this but i didn't have a good act because i turned my special around too quick and i was like ooh didn't have an act that i was like proud of jokes i liked yeah and then [ __ ] dude covid was like sit down [ __ ] and i was like all right and then just stopped doing stand-up but that was i think that's like the lesson i learned from covid was it slowed me down and i got to retool and and be i don't know kind of recalibrate in a way in a way now that i'm having a lot more fun that's great it's like you you need a reassessment sometimes because a lot of times we operate on momentum yeah you're just going and going and going but you're not thinking about like hmm is this what am i doing yeah you're not taking the steps to be like is this good i also
think in like our modern culture it's so pushed undefeated all i do is win it's like [ __ ] you're boring if you just win yeah the best is learning from a loss and i think that's why like sports i think it's important if you're good and shitty yeah i was shitty at it but dude you got a lot out of it i learned i learned a lot about humility yeah i learned a lot about yank [ __ ] dude i lost a pop warner football game 116-0 whoa that when you're a kid when you're 11 and you're like losing like 84 to nothing you're like hey guys i got the lesson can we stop and then like that drive home with my mom or she's like whoo y'all took a beating she can't even hide that she's like [ __ ] man you got the [ __ ] dick knocked off you you gotta experience loss yeah and it's i think that's always like uh people that are afraid of it push the other agenda or they're like all i do is win you're weak if you lose you're like i think you're afraid to lose you can't be afraid to lose yeah you can't it's that's it means you're trying to grow and you're trying to step up to another level you're trying to figure things out you're trying to do something you're not perfect at yet try to get better yeah i used to be so ashamed like you want to talk about working out i used to be like so when i was in my 20s and i'd go to the gym and i'd be doing just dumbbell put you know press and be like like that but i'm at a gold's gym in tucson at like [ __ ] 2 p.m no one's there but the guys that are there that are big and working out i'm immediately like dude i look like such an [ __ ] and it would it would deter me from coming back because i'd be like i looked um but then the older you get you're like you look dumb for a little bit then you get better at it and you get better it's like check spots yeah it was like i looked like an [ __ ] in front of patrice and big j on that premiere but then you just keep doing it and doing it and doing it i think the problem with a lot of people also is that they have one thing so if you have one thing that you're learning and you're trying to get good at you suck that means you suck
right but if you have another thing you do that you're good if you're putting all of it into that like say if you're trying to do stand up but you're also a professional chess player you're like a really good chess player so you really you know how to get really good at something yeah and so stand up you suck but you're like yeah but ah it's a process because i'm [ __ ] good at this chest thing and i think i'm gonna be good at stand up too it's complicated and it's difficult but i'm going to figure it out but you've never done anything before that's the the early days of stand up are the most dangerous times for a depressed person's life because you're the reason why you're getting in to stand up in the first place validation yeah most likely mommy and daddy weren't [ __ ] hanging around so often if you're good if you're good and so these kids are already or these people are already kind of [ __ ] and then the thing they're trying to do is just crushing their self-esteem like like you've never felt before i always say that bombing is like sucking a thousand dicks in front of your mother but the problem is there's a guy out there that would like sucking a thousand dicks in front of his look at mouth baby just sucking them down yeah it is you would see what was funny about doing stand-up in new york in the open mic scene is i started in tucson where they kind of aided the open mic they would put it in front of a real show so you get crowds yeah and then you go to new york and you're like this is the barren wasteland you're seeing mentally ill people like tim dillon is the best example tim dillon's from long island or whatever he could have started in that long island scene and stayed out there and bent him dylan but he showed up and was like i gotta get out of there they're worse than the people here and you just saw him try and you would see people that you're like this guy's really funny he'll be all right and you kind of got to grab each other in that moment and be like yeah we're going to get through this storm yes everybody's going to be all right like that was like potatoes in the basement that was like me list nate norman when we were coming up in new
york we're like guys this is [ __ ] awful but we're doing it and boosting helps yeah booze helps when you're like let's go get beers and laugh about this [ __ ] and be dumb you know yeah and it really because you're right because if you don't have that and you're like you're bomb well you have a you guys have a good camaraderie in new york now there wasn't a good camaraderie in new york in the 90s oh man everybody had the tv mentality everybody's trying to get tv shows and if you and i were auditioning for the same television show we'd [ __ ] both hate each other crazy my god dan soder got that [ __ ] part yeah that guy's playing [ __ ] goofy neighbor [ __ ] you did you guys ever do it with like uh did you guys ever do it with like catchphrase commercials he's like he's the [ __ ] come and see me guy now [ __ ] him that [ __ ] prick guy's not even funny that was the thing in the 90s and the the guys that are coming up today they don't have that attitude anymore everybody does everybody's podcast so it's way healthier hey check this guy out i really care about well that's what's interesting i i love talking to like guys that have been around because history repeats itself and you've been in comedy where you've watched the crash the 90s guys people don't realize about this about the mid-90s early to early 2000 comics you guys were doing it for nobody no one gave a [ __ ] about comedy they did in certain places but you look at the store you look at the seller louie put up this old video of him at the seller from like 2001 there's no one there there's like 15 people and they're just running a show all night being like whoever comes in they stay until they want to leave we put up as many comics as we can and now they're like good luck getting a reservation two weeks before it's like it's like a hot ticket so i try to tell my friends i'm like guys just be aware that that might be coming back there might be we might have reached a point in comedy and i think no you don't think that's you don't think that you think it's close really the opposite it's the opposite you think it's still going up
it's the most fun thing to go see it is very funny it's live it's one of the rare live things but you don't think podcasting specifically podcasting started showing people too many people how the sausage is made no [ __ ] the sausage who gives a [ __ ] good jokes i know how the sausage is made i still laugh i still love sausage i [ __ ] love sausage when when tim dillon like i hadn't seen him in like six months and i went to see him at the vulcan yeah he [ __ ] murdered you want to talk about know the sausage i know that guy inside now you know everything about him he's a [ __ ] great guy i'm friends with him yeah i hang with him we talk [ __ ] together privately we text message we send memes to each other but you still and i still laughed hard as [ __ ] you can't know the sausage any more than like the way i know joey diaz or the way i know yeah there's nothing i mean i feel that way about you know nate and big jokes you still laugh though right like his favorite comedy is fun man it's not going anywhere you can't think like this i love these people you're a doom and gloom guy oh i mean i'm trying to pull out of it don't do that i'm not a doom and gloom guy but i'm also trying to pull out of that because i think that was up most of my life being like other shoes coming when constantly in everything every relationship every everything it was like because probably of how i grew up and [ __ ] that happened to me when i was a teenager i was probably like it's doom and gloom if something exact example when i talk to you about 2019 yeah i felt when covid happened there was a part of me that was like i was due to do for a [ __ ] i was like that was too many cool [ __ ] that was too much good [ __ ] so i think that's also why i also think every comedian if you're a professional comedian you should be in therapy or have a form of therapy because that's like a sports trainer helping help so you don't blow your knees out yeah you just also like to process [ __ ] right i've been able to look at like you saying i'm a doom and
gloom guy yeah 15 years ago i would be like i [ __ ] i knew hey [ __ ] i started you know but like now because i know myself i'm like yeah no i am straight up i am but i'm also trying to change that actively because then the more i change that the more i can enjoy [ __ ] well the reality is no one knows what's going to happen in the future right anything can happen and the the real dark dystopian [ __ ] dangerous future involves war and natural disasters yes those are the real scenarios that could wipe out everything yes but if culture remains consistent and if they it stays the way it is right now with access to the internet that people have today comedy's not going anywhere it's the most great all right listen so that's what i want let it go okay cool we're going to be fine all right i'm going to comment i'm in the middle of uh opening up a club too i'm going to like this joint right now just have you know have a little fun let's do it um but no it's not going anywhere it's the best time for comedy i can ever recall because i got to do the paramount last night yeah yeah i got to do it oh my god dope theater i've been trying to work that i tried to cool people working there too i tried to film my comedy central hour special there 2015 because i loved it i opened for hannibal there at moon tower and i was like that's the the best set i've ever had it was the most fun on stage and i was like i want to do my hour special there and comedy central was like you can't do that many people hey then i had to look at it and be like all right again comedy humbled me yeah all right go to a [ __ ] rock club idiot so dude being able to do it last night meant a lot in the crowd i had adrian and i had palucci there it was in josh out of my eyes was fun man dude it was like that's why i hope comedy stays around because it's it's not going anywhere or we're [ __ ] if it's the last like when when covid hit and uh they closed down everything and clubs shut down and they locked down it
was two weeks to flatten the curve those days there was a moment when two weeks became a month and you know all the fear-mongering was being ramped up on television that i was like okay i have to accept this new world and in this new world comedy's gone yeah i'm okay i had a great time yeah and i just let it go and then i thought okay now i just i have to want if this gets worse yeah i have to think about where i'm living and i have to think about survival like you have to really think about actual real survival not real [ __ ] not like you're you know you're [ __ ] larping for a movie or you know you're doing a survival show where you're canning peaches no like large swats of people could die if you make the wrong choice it could be you yeah okay and that's that's how i felt and then when i realized it wasn't that then i was like why can't i do comedy yeah and then i was like this is it seems weird i think i i honestly went through a very similar thing because but what it did for me when i got to come back to do a weekend i remember doing a weekend at uh st louis in st louis helium and it was like the first time i'd done it [ __ ] nine weeks and i was like it's like kissing a child you're like my baby i [ __ ] miss you let me hold your face it was just like we did they dropped the checks i was like yes drop the checks everyone do math everyone do math in front of me we did um the houston improv in july of 2020. it was a little early we were like [ __ ] it let's just do a weekend we'll play it safe we get tested we'll go there we'll be smart we'll stay away from everybody we won't you know won't go to crowded places and so we um we did it and then i got super duper high when i got back home and i thought oh my god what if i caught something what if i give it to somebody and they die that is something they die because i wanted to do stand up that's such a specific feeling to the t that i know exactly how you feel because you get back and you go [ __ ] what if super high dude super dude we'd always we don't do that to you or you'll
have a great conversation with someone right yeah and then you'll leave and you'll get high and you'll be like was i a [ __ ] [ __ ] what did i say was i a [ __ ] ticket i wasn't even thinking about what we were talking about we were just in that we were just in nashville and we went over to nate's for breakfast at his house and i left and i got high got real high in my hotel room and i was like did i not thank his wife for breakfast just became this thing where i was like oh [ __ ] when i see her talking dan didn't even thank you for breakfast we got him eggs and bacon and he ain't even gonna say thank you and i was like i was just in my hotel room like did i [ __ ] that up but doesn't it always like make you paranoid that you weren't a better person because it's like it's like weed wants you to be nice yes weed wants you to be a better person that's my favorite really does one of my favorite old bill hicks jokes where he's like it's impossible to start a fight hey buddy hey hey man it is it's like i uh it's possible by the way mike tyson fought uh roy jones jr high as [ __ ] really yeah mike's high all day he doesn't give a [ __ ] but for that specific he like wins he's got [ __ ] he gets high he didn't change for fighters loosens them up like just like i think for mike it's great because mike um makes him calmer do you know how quickly he would have killed that guy if he wasn't high all the time that's how annoying that dude was that hi mike tyson smacked him yeah you got a [ __ ] mellow mic beating on you yeah you're a real [ __ ] he's the melody he's very uh very honest and like introspective and i love talking to him and he's he knows a lot of [ __ ] too dude he said the the wisest thing i've ever heard in my life i was on opium anthony right after anthony got fired hope he was bringing in different comics just hanging out it was like me opie and jim and mike tyson came in oh wow and he looks at oh he knows them so he says what's up to opie
and jim and he goes who the [ __ ] are you and i was like immediately in my head i'm like i'm [ __ ] and then as the show goes on he loosens up and loosens up and somehow jim and i like bring something up about comedy and i'm like it always sucks when you're having a great set and you see a couple people that aren't enjoying it at all which is normal but it always kind of [ __ ] with me and mike tyson's like looks at me he's like i felt the same way when i used to walk to the ring and i'd see one guy booing me and i'm like what did i do to you why are you booing me and then mike tyson said the smartest thing i've ever heard in my life he goes it's a scary neighborhood up here and you're all by yourself and i was like he said that i go yeah mike tyson that was [ __ ] awesome i walked out of that like i got [ __ ] sage advice from the baddest man on the planet that's a great piece of advice too because he's right it's a scary neighborhood up here and you're all by yourself and you're like damn dude yeah you never think about you you want to talk about doom and gloom it's like that's exactly what it is but that is you live and die in your mind in a lot of ways the more because like i was talking about how like recalibrating and stuff i got i really tried to focus on like calming down having fun i love watching comics where you just know they're actually having fun yeah oh yeah for sure yeah when you watch guys because you can watch guys that are up there and you're like that guy's doing his act right you can see guys that you're like doesn't it suck when it's you do you feel it when you feel that you're just doing your act like oh no yeah it's it's a thing that i've been really actively trying to be like don't just [ __ ] do your jokes because you're throwing you're going at 50 when you're doing that well comedy is so strange and for people who don't understand what it is like it seems like we're just talking right that's why it's so weird because everybody just talks and everybody's funny like most people have said funny things i have i know a lot of my friends have said funny things but they've never gone on stage i know so funnier people in conversation that have never done
comments my point is almost everybody has said something funny yeah and made me laugh and i'm a professional comedian yeah it's hilarious there's a giant difference between that and comedy and the difference is that comedy is like a state of mind that you achieve in sync with the audience where it's almost like mass hypnosis and the audi the audience is like when someone's a great comic like if chris rock's on stage i give in to their thinking i just go like tell me tell me what what's going down you know and so i'm not saying what would i have done or that doesn't seem wise yeah you're following their thought process i'm thinking like them i'm on their frequency yeah they take you on a frequency yeah and when they capture you and they're killing you're thinking like they're thinking and it's amazing yeah it's that's it's different than people think it is it's fun to watch like a louie or bill burr and you sit in the back and you watch and they just like how fast but calm and slow they're able to be like boom got you here we go yeah like i call in quinn's new hour i went to something's [ __ ] amazing yeah that's dude colin is one of the most underrated comedians of all time because he's so [ __ ] good i might say he's my top guy him and a tell they're like it's i think like colin quinn and dave vitell are the pillars of new york city common i would agree i would agree they're both amazing i think from colin and dave you get all the rest yeah dave is another one like you must see him if he's near you he's a he's a master at like one of the highest levels you'll ever see him stand up he's that good which is so tight and so great it's just polished professional man he's just so good but colin has you know you're talking about like being on their frequency like when you get yeah when you go watch it and like you can go watch new york story on netflix where he explains all the races and and people coming over to new york right but when you get in his mindset you're like dude this is so good it's so yeah it's got it's d i don't know that's funny you're thinking like him he's taking you on a thought journey you lock into his frequency i went out and like got tickets and like went and
saw a show and you know you like you become dead in for comedy when you do it long enough you're like yeah this is again you're like i'll go down to the butcher and get you some sausage it's still good but like to go out and have it like yeah and to watch that new hour and again i know colin i was excited to see that hour and be like damn dude he's got this bit this bit you want to leave being like [ __ ] i gotta go get better that's the beautiful thing about inspiration you know when you see someone who's really good it really it actually gives you energy it like fuels you i saw colin um i hope i was one of the guests on um what was this [ __ ] tough crowd yeah i was one of the guests on tough crowd but the best part of the show was colin doing stand-up to the audience so colin warm-up he did his own warm-up i mean i don't know if he did it all the time but he definitely did it at the time i saw him yeah so he goes out there i don't remember if there was another comedian if somebody warmed it up and then brought up colin i don't remember but i remember colin casually walking around the set [ __ ] murdering i mean murdering yeah to the point where i was like oh my god this is so tight this stuff's so good yeah i was like god damn like this sucks like what we're doing is funny but it's not as funny as this yeah like we're like the audience is seeing a thing that's better than this guy is known for being famous for yeah i mean everybody knew he was a funny comic but i'm telling you like the act was so good i'm like this guy should be filling stadiums that's it's that good that's a that's a great way of putting it because you see these jokes he has throwaway lines and same with the tell like these throw away jokes that you're like dude you know how many comics would [ __ ] kill for that back in 2008 when it was mccain and obama i saw colin at the seller just have this throwaway line where he's like john mccain really smiles like a father that's about to become violent and they're like that's so funny so and then in 2016 he said like what is his [ __ ] delivery yeah and he's like he's like hillary her campaign speeches have the authenticity of a lap dance and you're like it's just like these it's
like these jokes that just are so in time when you see it live ah it's the best you see the what i'm like i want to be real clear about this because he was a great host of tough crowd it was a great show it's very funny yeah i think it inspired my entire stand up that night was so funny that i was like why aren't they just showing that yeah put that on put that off i mean when and then you know what i loved is seeing colin living in new york you get to like watch him workshop it right but i don't do that when i see like colin will do it at the fat black [ __ ] cat will run it on monday nights like his bill builds a new hour and i like wait and i kind of i'm like how far like i'll see him right back how far along you know he's like oh it's getting there and then you like kind of wait and then because then you go see it and it's like this is worth the wait this is yeah this is incredible just it's fun i love i still have that thing about comedy where i love watching it like i love watching really good comedy you're never gonna lose it you're you're not dumb yeah it's fun it's the reason why you got into it in the first place is because you liked watching comedy yeah it was like dude when i moved to new york that feeling of going did you have that when you did boston la but boston was big you guys were a that was a big comedy city it was a good scene yeah it was a super lucky scene like when i came along in 1988 is when i started august 27 1988 we all have our launch yeah we uh launched it um there was five clubs in this one small area yeah there's a great i watched that documentary when stand-up stood out it's a great documentary great yeah franz alameda made it he's a guy who's from that area so he knew the whole story and he got great footage and it was a really special time but that was before me honestly i i rode the wave after those guys okay those guys like the lenny clarks and the steve sweeney's they were murderers but when i was an open miker they were headliners they were like the previous generation and they were as good as anybody in the country man when i moved to new york and became friends with joe list he's like the prince of boston so he was like giving me so much [ __ ]
propaganda films it's like [ __ ] boston's the best everyone's good's from boston he always would get drunk he'd say that but he would show that documentary and i saw the documentary i was like man that's such a what a great scene to start in because you're seeing tried and true killers and also like you're amongst a lot of other good people they weren't it's it's understating i'm telling you they were the best comics in the world yeah they were that good the the audiences in boston especially like in the the 80s and early 90s they didn't have room for any [ __ ] yeah these guys were rapid fire punchline machines yeah they were some of the best comics in the world but a lot of their comedy was like local comedy and a lot of their comedy was about like local stuff always can bear you and it didn't work on the road at all yeah it didn't work on the road at all you do boston jokes in l.a they don't give a [ __ ] about you they don't give a [ __ ] about what you're saying you don't get all the juice that's attached so if you're doing a local joke just extra juice that's attached to that subject because everybody knows what you're talking about that is it's a thing that's what tim dillon and i jokingly refer to as the long island trap you go out you go out you go out there to work and you got a guy who's like real big in long island he's like guess what i'm throwing out three wrong konkamos and i'm burying you i'm burying your bitch-ass city boy and you're like yeah it's because then you go up there and you're like you look almost disrespectful you're like i don't i don't know i don't know what your [ __ ] people do here and they're like you don't know wrong concern oh bro first off i'm from i'm out from long beach and that's just [ __ ] [ __ ] bro and you're like [ __ ] i don't know dude they get really vocal yeah dude i used to [ __ ] i would bring tim would feature for me but you know i would take him to long island and he'd be like why do i got to go to long island you take gary veeda to denver but you take me to long island so i took him to comedy works like this is right before
he started headlining and i was like dude come to comedy workshops he was it was amazing but he was like he was the long island whisperer like you would take him out there he'd [ __ ] shout them down like a lion tamer and then you go up and be like i'm gonna do my accent that's awesome you'd be like you'd clear the brush this is great and that's also like when i'd go on the road with shane you would see like him in like an albany or like a [ __ ] boston he's just good luck because they're following him because he's just good luck following shane anywhere i mean now actually so shane that's what i'm talking about thing when he closes with this trump impression and he can do it he does it to a t i'm telling you it's funny jokes i don't want to give it away but his navy seals bit and his george washington bit are things that you watch as a comic and you walk away and you're like [ __ ] i gotta go work he's great that's the thing that's what i love about norman's got jokes like that i'll watch norman and he'll just or samurail yeah samurail you'll see him do a new 15 minutes and you're like what the [ __ ] dude i thought well who's doing all this work i thought we're gonna work at the same pace stop it i have one new tag from a bit i've been doing for six months and he comes in with a fully and that's what's fun is to come up with those guys then become like contemporaries with them where you're like damn dude i love seeing his new [ __ ] or just you know people do jokes where you're like [ __ ] i gotta get a better joke yeah well that's what's inspirational about those places like if you're in new york i guess it's like the cellar and the stand yes the store in l.a and when you when you could be around in in boston it was nick's comedy stop and stitches those were the two clubs that i got to see all these boston legends yeah i got to do knicks coming up next was great knicks would uh when i was coming up it was in a dance club oh yeah downstairs it was a dance club and they would boot you no matter what the show had to be over at nine because they had to turn it into a dance club oh you go from feeling so
cool as a comedian to being in the way instantly what year was this 2007 through 2011. oh wow so it was like something upstairs was a dance club it was like it was converted the upstairs to a dance yeah it was down in the theater district and oh no i worked there so the big stairs you go upstairs to the big stairs and then out was like it was the in the sunken middle was was where the audience would sit and you would be all the way against the back wall with the bar behind you right exactly at nine o'clock wow cut the mic everybody out they just grab all the tables and chairs here comes the dance club get the [ __ ] out of here and you know first time i'm like one of the first times working in it i have like a good set and i'm like hey let me get another shot and the guy's like get the [ __ ] out of here and you're like just a second ago you were copping me drinks a second ago and i get out of here and then all the boston guys know yeah so like joe list or dan bulger or tom dustin's like come on we gotta [ __ ] go we're good [ __ ] it just goes from being like special to being like you [ __ ] vagrant they used to have three comedy rooms simultaneously running in that club i mean yeah that's what's crazy it was the upstairs that was the like the regular club and then they had a smaller room that was downstairs and then they had this gigantic [ __ ] like disco they only did the disco a few times i wonder if the disco that's the downstairs okay yeah we didn't do that it was a gay club it was like a gay nightclub and i think they went under or they maybe they became a gay club again but uh it was like a guy's hookup joint yeah and then so they will really want you out of there like get the [ __ ] out of here i don't remember like when knicks had it if there was like a like maybe someone lost the lease or something and they had it for a little while but during the comedy the point is that during the comedy boom it was so great that they were running simultaneous shows with all these killers and they were just sold out all the time so they were running these shows where you'd have like steve sweeney don gavin kevin knox boom boom
boom bike done of them these guys were murderers man don gavin was a [ __ ] murderer steve sweeney was a murderer and then you're going to even you you didn't want to be in the room you would get hypnotized and you would think that you're gonna about to die going on after those guys like there was no one's gonna survive this there's that scene and when stand-up stood out when lenny clark talks about like i opened stitches i went down to knicks closed that open that show yeah and he's like talking about all the money and the blow and everything like look at that that's amazing [ __ ] it go you know manny's the best the seller got uh you know they're working like four rooms where you go do the fat black and then you can go do the village underground walk around the corner do the the original room and it's like the store had that with the belly room and it's like when you're in a comedy club and there's three rooms working you're like it's [ __ ] cool yeah this is cool especially if you're a regular at the club you can jump on at a couple shows yeah the store was always awesome like that because there was belly room shows you could do yeah the o.r the main room yeah that's when i when i whenever i visited because i haven't spent a lot of time in la i noticed that the store really is almost built for that like the way the hallway all converges and you're like that room but uh the seller was great because once you know the seller was just that small room and then open the village underground and then boom go up top and then you could just go and be like i got four spots to stand they had one room and then they moved to a new place with two rooms you're like this is [ __ ] great did you ever uh read any malcolm uh gladwell do you ever read uh outliers i no but i gladly did read this loud well how did i say it i think you got it that's how i am i'm not sure if i said his name right now no i think he got malcolm gladwell yeah his uh outliers yeah [ __ ] incredible and they talk about the beatles and the beatles uh when they were in uh germany when they were playing eight hours a day yeah they were just playing constantly nonstop and they came back to england afterwards and
they were just a way better band they were way better well it's it's you know his theory is the ten thousand hours but it's just it's there's a great book called um talent is overrated and what the guy does is he basically builds off he builds with gladwell's theory to be like uh time is very important but applied practice is more important so making your shortcomings strong you know he gives examples of like uh violinists uh pianists like chess players like people that have to do repetitions and he talks about jerry rice on the 49ers and about how he would do like uh those hand clamps you just walk around with the hand clamps and people are like what are you doing he's like i'm strengthening my hands so that when a ball gets thrown i have stronger hands than the guy trying to take it from me so he would work meticulously tiger woods with his backswing his dad would hit a horse like hit him with an air horn so now when it happens it's just all natural it's a great book because the guy really says if you spend 45 minutes a day working on applied practice and like making your shortcomings your strengths that's how you build everything up yeah like all together you just raise the whole thing for people it's just hard to get going yeah once you get absolutely once you get good habits and good practices it feels normal to keep them up it's just hard to get going i mean that's almost exactly what we're talking about with the road where it's like i got into doing that yeah and like working that yeah and then when it went away and i came back i was like [ __ ] dude i gotta get back up get back up to getting that energy it's um comedy is a strange thing man because you're you're never done with it you're it's never like oh yeah it changes yeah i would imagine if you play guitar i don't know i'm just guessing but imagine you get to a level like can gary clark jr get better he can't get better i think he can do new stuff and i think he can like he's going to create new songs but he's not going to get better at playing the actual guitar you're saying like the actual hitting chords
it's possible probably i wonder what clapton thinks about [ __ ] like that because he's been like i mean it makes sense you get better at everything right yeah so i'm sure there's like ways keith richards plays now that he didn't in the 70s or 80s there's a thing about guitar and i don't know jack [ __ ] about music yeah i mean i'm just going to say this right away but certain people when they play it i know it's them you know what i'm saying like they're like stevie ray vaughan yeah classic example like you hear stevie ray vaughan play guitar and like you're pretty sure that's steve ray vaughn jimi hendrix you hear like gary clark jr same thing like you hear him play like they did a cover of midnight ryder it was honey honey and gary clark jr they did an impromptu cover so impromptu that suzanne from honey honey is reading the lyrics off her phone she had to google the lyrics right before they sang the song yeah so she gets the lyrics on her phone she's singing midnight rider and gary clark jr is playing guitar but he did it like a gary clark jr yeah midnight writer immediately on the spot [ __ ] immediately yeah that's some crazy [ __ ] when someone can make it theirs almost instantaneously and kind of put that like um you know dude is that still up that's on my instagram right you need to see this i put a little video of it on the instagram you need to see it because it's like so indicative of what we're talking about it's like when he starts playing it you [ __ ] know that's him if you if if you if someone played that for you and said who is this yeah you'd be like gary clark jr yeah like in it but it's a guitar with someone like him who's just like from the from a very young age incredible at a thing incredible at an instrument right what do you think the coolest phase of that is like as you're getting better what do you think the coolest like if you could cut a slice of cake out of that i think it's probably the early days like when you're like this where you're like oh i can go like this yeah i think i could go like that you know that first started getting really good it was probably the most magical but you got it a bit
awesome to be this though listen to this [ __ ] man [Music] come on son this is uh midnight on a tuesday [Music] right i mean you know who that is have you heard this if you heard that you'd be like that's gary clark i'm saying like i've never heard this and it's immediate it's [ __ ] incredible dude dude it's one of the greatest things i've ever seen in my life but how god damn good is it you also watch it and i know exactly he's just so [ __ ] cool too like look at him up there i just i think of myself missing and being like [Music] god damn that's good so i think what you were saying can he get better i think he takes more risks now because he knows he can land him you know well like that trying to do that or soloing on that the ability to solo them just riffing or whatever has got to be like when you're that good it's like dunking in the nba you're like you wanna see some crazy [ __ ] and you can try and you probably have more momentum to try that well i know gary and he is super dedicated to music it's another thing it's like you don't get to be like that yeah he's constantly in the studio he's constantly practicing he has to be an obsession constantly i mean he's as famous as he is for music the guy's all in he it's uh you don't get that good without that yeah you have talent for sure there's people that are just geniusly creative through whatever weird quirk or their personality they're really creative yeah they're bent right but when you get to like a certain level of pursuit like a like a david towel like a certain level of proficiency you only get that way through work dave is constantly working yeah he's writing jokes i remember after i think it was after like the boston marathon bombing i was outside smoking a cigarette at the cellar and a tell walked up and was like how many bombing jokes do you have and i was like none and he's like come on and i was like none and he's like i've got four and then i walked downstairs and like
dude my favorite david tell story is he loves to run bits to see if anyone else is doing him because that you know that's how originally is he's like i want to make sure no one else is doing this joke so he he'll call comics and then be like have you heard this premise have you heard anyone use this premise right so i lived with mike vekione for ten years like mike veki owned one of the best comics in new york just absolutely hilarious and a tell would call vekione because they're buddies and just talk but you'd run jokes oh wow so one time i'm in san francisco and vekion calls me he goes hey i'm busy a tell's gonna call you to run bits and it was like like cold water breathing you're like okay okay cool [ __ ] yeah have him come call me i'm calling and i get it's a block number and i pick it up you know and i'm like hello and he's like damn davidtell does it have you ever heard anybody do this joke [ __ ] 20 of them and i i go um actually you know for the serial one you could t because not looking for tags uh yeah i haven't heard anybody do that he goes okay thank you and hung up and i was like [ __ ] [ __ ] and then i get high and i'm like oh [ __ ] dude oh [ __ ] i tried to give david a tag i'm a [ __ ] idiot and i called vecchio like like an emergency like dude is he gonna be mad at me and he's like no just he might not ever call you again it's just one of those things you don't know what to say yeah it's a it's like yeah it's like gary clark jr being like does this a sound right you're like well it's like your friend called you and told you a bit you'd offer him a tag so you just did what you normally would do that's what i did if becky owen would call me i'd be like yeah talks him just going not looking for tags i was like i was like i'm surprised i didn't crush my phone on my head yeah i was mortified and then he called me again and i knew like you don't need to get taught that lesson twice the second time he called me i was just like nope i haven't heard anybody do that
he's like okay and we're out okay all right reliable source again he hangs up i'm like i just put my phone down she's [ __ ] paranoid yeah he it's um because it's like when your friends calling like hey i do this you'd be like uh uh you know what about this say this right i'm not gonna tell a guy that's done the ten thousand also they're probably great bits oh man two of them never he never has duds it's very rare that one doesn't maybe if he's like trying to figure it out still yeah and it's also if he goes on stage at the seller he's like miles davis like if you kind of know he's gonna come in sideways you're like this is gonna be interesting if he's wearing his black leather gloves and his hat and he's drinking his coffee it's gonna be a weird set i knew drinking dave all right that's i talked to jay about that on the bonfire i'm obsessed with that because jay opened for dave while he was drinking and then right after he stopped drinking well he's one of the best examples of a guy who got way better yeah when he stopped drinking he got way better i mean he was always great he was always a very funny comic but he was doing that show that late what the insomniac insomniac that's right that show was doing him in because he was getting hammered with people all over the place and he was showing up at bars and drinking and it was part of the the gig of the show drink with people and then he would go out and like [ __ ] shoot nutrias with p you know i remember that when he went down to new orleans and they shot all those rats yeah those giant they're nutrias you ever seen one of those in real life you're like what the [ __ ] they're invasive they're a giant invasive rodent i think it's from from asia or europe uh where's the nutria from i don't know maybe might even be south american but they're [ __ ] giant dude like this big like a small dog like the rats and princess bride oh bigger let me see if you could get what a new tree looks like i think they could do like 40 or 50 pounds i just remember dave shooting at him in an insomniac yeah he like did he get killed at a club and then went out and did they hunt them they have to go out at night and hunt them so when you
say they're invasive somebody brought them over here and they started [ __ ] oh i thought you meant like they bust into your house and [ __ ] like that no they're like wild pigs wild pigs are also an invasive species they're they're not native to north america the guy doing that got to have a smirk the whole time he's like i'm bringing over some [ __ ] they didn't know what they were doing back there i was saying like you bring those kind of rats over here and you're like you guys want to see some crazy [ __ ] i'm bringing some crazy [ __ ] over here imagine if you were that diabolical look at that the size of that [ __ ] thing oh my god yeah they're giant i mean it's like a small dog right yeah dude that is [ __ ] massive and they're all over the place so funny look at the size of that [ __ ] holy [ __ ] because they're like two inches away from beavers who are just adorable adorable well that's like rats and squirrels right yes squirrels and rats are [ __ ] pretty close in size and shape they just don't have a blowout it's that cool tail yeah the tail that like shows uh like emotion and stuff like do a little circle but rats just have that [ __ ] they got [ __ ] in the tailgate yeah there it is dude yeah insomniac with david tells shooting at nutriss and um jamie where did nutrients come from dude i would love to see they brought him over somehow or another and didn't understand what was happening and then they got it that's got to be the biggest mind [ __ ] the first time you see that you go dude i think the rats are hitting the gym something's up they're coming out [ __ ] big just it coming out and being like what's up i remember like the first time i saw a muscly pitbull like the first time you're like what the [ __ ] is that thing the ones that are breeding now they look like cartoons yeah they walk around like schwarzenegger in the olympia championships you know guys exercise them how do you do they do like uh no you have a [ __ ] treadmill they have pit bull treadmills i'm not bullshitting you they have game dog treadmills and these game dog
treadmills are like have you ever used one of them crossfit like i have one called the air runner it's the [ __ ] it's a self-propelled uh treadmill so the more you push out of it right you know you're pushing off of it it's not moving on its own yeah so it's got a slope to it and you're running and i think it's like something like 10 or 15 percent harder than just regular running so it actually is better for you so it's a double for more difficult than regular running yeah but that's what they do with these pitbulls they put them on these self-propelling treadmills or they're just like [ __ ] they're just [ __ ] going after it or they put them on ones where they make them keep up with the treadmill like they have like a motor treadmill going dude there's different but they work them out man they have them pull stuff they put like things in their mouth and have them pull stuff they just become magnus for magnuson they just become these world's strongest men it's a dog if it works for a person it would work for a dog that's so funny to implement to be a dog like an actual trainer and you're like i'll get your dog jacked show up but they're [ __ ] amazing dogs they really are if they didn't like to fight other dogs so much they'd be like the best dog but they want to fight other dogs if you weren't just so violent taking my dog to the dog park and watching a dog that you know is going to be a problem yeah especially on the you know like new york city those dog parks are like prison yards yup you don't know who the [ __ ] here it is this is one of the pitbull treadmills he's like come on don't make me work out okay i think he wants it oh yeah that tail he looks like he wants it he starts taking he likes it let me go let me go oh they let him they just tell him now that you know he's like oh my god oh my god i've never seen a dog oh my god dude that was so funny bro that is insane once you realize that he was excited that was so [ __ ] funny yeah because you can't say that dog doesn't love that look at that look at him he [ __ ] loves that number one he's got the telltale sign which is the butt
wiggle when the whole butt wiggles they're super pumped i guess we just have to not look at it like it's involuntary it's clearly vulnerable right there that dog wants this to he wants to do this so much it's probably fun as hell because his body is like a super tuned athlete's body yeah must feel amazing he's like just please full out sprint treadmill yeah let me uncap it look at that he's like yeah yeah but running for a dog like that like that being like held back by a chain must feel great you know because it just [ __ ] ah dude then he gets off it's like you're exercising like a superhero body like a pit bull is a superhero body in the world of dogs they're super they're superheroes yeah the real the real superheroes those belgian malimois brigades no no jamie let's see the [ __ ] malibu you never they don't even seem real jump 30 feet through the air like like they're flying never seen anything like it they use them for the military they're attack dogs and it's not a dog that you want to have as like a [ __ ] look at this yeah that's what i'm saying that's a belgian belmont that [ __ ] dog just climbed look at this good [ __ ] love holy good luck watch this watch this look at the height look at the height oh my god got it in john wick three halle berry had belgium alamo that's what that was yeah i'm pretty sure they were belgian male laws but these these [ __ ] things will climb up trees they'll run straight up a wall they can fly through the air and all they want to do is [ __ ] things up yeah you want to talk about we were talking about the first person that saw those big rats could you imagine being in a tree being like i got away from this dog and then he just flies up holy [ __ ] look how it just climbed that roof dude look at this walking across across wires they're super smart and they need exercise so if you're a person that has one of these and you think you're just gonna leave it in your backyard you're torturing this thing i'm gonna show my dog these videos to be like hey just know this
these dogs are out there these dogs are out there yeah i know you love treats and i know you let's go to the park look at that [ __ ] it the military guys call them meat missiles they let us let the meat missiles go dude they will [ __ ] you up do they respond to dogs they're like 60 70 pounds max i think do they respond to uh like i always loved watching the german shepherds respond oh yeah they're like oh they come trained oh yeah they i mean they when you have a dog like that it's like having a weapon yeah it's not like a regular dog you have a human attacking weapon and so it's weird that you can have one it's weird that you can have like a human attacking weapon but you can train them and they'll be good dogs i've been around guys who've had them and they're good dogs man just imagine listen to the birds and you lose a ball in a backyard and you're like well here's the deal you can get the ball that dog's coming right over that fence with you that dog is going to chase you till a buddy of hermione had one in l.a and he used to bring it to the studio it was a military dog he was cool as [ __ ] that's awesome cool as [ __ ] easy to be around but you didn't want to bring other dogs around or you didn't want you know what i'm saying it's like i just know how goofy my dog is my dog's goofy yeah and she would just be like hey who are you and he's like i am trained do not come near me yeah because i'd have to tell him when i was bringing my dog by i'm like hey man i'm bringing marshall by marshall's a golden retriever his zero like there's no aggression in him it doesn't exist unless you're a squirrel yeah if you're a squirrel he's there to bring death i grew up with a golden retriever they are they're the best dogs they are the sweetest boys in the world yeah they're just so sweet my dog was fat because i love to feed him but he could still move he's like jerome bettis well they're bird dogs yeah he would i would go to the backyard and play a game where i'd take two tennis balls and so i was like growing up and i'd throw one to one end and then he would run down and get it and i'd throw the other one to that one and then he would dart across the room
and i'd just keep doing that and at the end he'd be like he just saw his face he's like this [ __ ] this rules dogs love to run yeah you know like that dog was jumping on that treadmill that's how my dog gets when i throw the tennis ball for him he gets [ __ ] crazy yeah he's like let's go [ __ ] you sometimes he starts running i haven't even thrown and i go dude look it's right here he's like oh yeah i'm like i didn't even trick you i love the player when you run it and they're like yeah right yeah you [ __ ] just remember that i guess you got a little bit of brains on you he was the easiest dog that i've ever had to train to uh bring things back too oh they were they're retrievers yeah i mean it's in the middle and it was instant instant like the fetch thing instant did he i grew up when i i i got my dog my golden retriever when i was like nine like cuz our other dog died and i got him and just got to be like my dog you know what i mean where he was like this is my guy i came back from college the first thanksgiving i came back from college montana was like he's [ __ ] he has risen he has risen i just walked in being like i'm back montana come and love me yeah he was like doing those things you know they jump up and circle around and you're like yeah it's a [ __ ] party that's the best man having a dog we my girlfriend and i got a dog in the pandemic and it made like that dog rules she comes on the road with me now she's it's just [ __ ] they're the coolest animals they're just like you look at them and you're like you're all about a good time yeah they're all about love it's like it's an amazing creation of the bastardization of nature yeah it turned it into this like love machine yeah dude that i i had an old joke i never really stuck with about just the first guy to bring a wolf in a village and he's like hey no it's my best friend and everyone's like dude [ __ ] that [ __ ] [ __ ] that don't bring that thing near me well people forget what wolves were we think of wolves as these beautiful animals that live in the mountains and you know what we have to bring them back because you
know what happened was in the old west days they poisoned them yeah why do you think they did that because they were coming for their kids because they were eating their kids like they ate a lot of people yeah you you realized that like we were talking about that book the heart of everything that yeah that is about red cloud yeah like the western sioux and they talked about when they laid the train tracks and you know us whites were coming west with the repeater [ __ ] rifle just shooting buffalo yeah and then what happens is the they can't use it because it's rotten meat but then the wolves come so then they were like oh we'll clean up the wool and now the wolves are just terrorizing tribes and [ __ ] because they're like oh these dead [ __ ] buffalo are nearby and then you gotta be like yeah so then they started putting poison on the wolves and that just [ __ ] everything up started getting in the water and [ __ ] you're like damn what a domino effect oh that has to happen if you're gonna kill an apex predator yeah and that's by the way the only effective way to kill them in large numbers they're so smart unless you have like a concerted effort to gun them down from helicopters and you chase them into open areas they they hunt them like that in certain areas of the world yeah because they have a population that they need to control just being like wolves can you imagine living in a place like on earth where you're like [ __ ] wolves dude who was in my girl i was in canada once and um it was um i was coming back from alberta and i think it did a show there and i i must have had something on me that made this guy come up to me and ask me about hunting like like a maybe i had a magazine i was reading or something like that yeah and he goes yeah he goes we do a lot of wolf hunting up here and he was a regular guy i mean he looked like a guy that you would see that goes yeah i sell [ __ ] auto insurance yeah he's like he didn't seem like a crazy looking guy i go i go how often do you will finally go every chance we can we got to get rid of them they're [ __ ] everywhere i go what and so he's telling me what he does is take meat like scraps of meat and stuff and they freeze it and they freeze it in like a a garbage tub sure and then they make a
giant meat sickle and they leave it out there and then they wait and they just they the wolves have figured it out it's harder to get them now because they've killed a few this way but they they hide like in tree stands with rifles and that's the most effective way he's found to kill wolves they have to draw them in his musicals well the thing is man there's so many trees yeah they can these [ __ ] are smart and they can smell a hundred thousand times better than you just think about being a dumb wolf just being a dumb wolf and being like don't look at that look at that [ __ ] musical just [ __ ] catch a rifle most likely young most likely young wolves because they i'm sure they operate the way rats do rats will send like there's that documentary on netflix rats you ever watch that no [ __ ] great yeah great terrifying i need a road movie it's a good one it's a real good one hell yeah rats send a young dumb one out to check to see if something's poison and they see this one like eating they're like yup see harry it's [ __ ] poison it's one guy's like that was my kid they figured out they figured out poison rats know what poison is they know that some stuff if you eat it will kill you yeah how the [ __ ] that battle if you're on the human side of it where you're like stressed out and you're like what's wrong dude and you're like i'm in a race of new poison against rats i gotta [ __ ] outsmart these things they knew my old poison they know my old [ __ ] i think they just keep using it and they kill dumb young rats and they think they're doing a good job but what this documentary exposed is that there's there's this like sophisticated culture down it's a [ __ ] ruthless nasty vicious culture but like rats have a civilization there's more rats in new york city than there are human beings i know and uh living there you're reminded of that walking through parks late at night by garbage bags when i first started when i moved to new york in 07 it was one of those things where i was outside smoking at an open mic just by a mountain of trash and you just see like bags move yeah like
and then you see one go and you're like oh and you you know that fact you've heard that i heard that fact by then that there's more rats than people in new york and you're like oh those are the brazen ones those are the ones that are like yeah you were out here yeah who's under the surface yeah dude are you thinking about under that dude it's [ __ ] i went to a gas station once and this is back in the day when i didn't have a cell phone i had to use a [ __ ] payphone that's how long ago this was nice so i'm uh pumping my gas and i go over to use this pay phone and as i'm using the pay phone like 10 feet away from my car i watch a rat run out jump on my wheel my tire and then disappear somewhere in my [ __ ] cis crashes in your just went into my car in the bottom of your car the body of my car did you ever find it i don't i think it's in the end it was it went into the engine bay or something then another one does it and then another one does it and then there's all these rats jumping up on my car and climbing into my [ __ ] car how do you drive away from with that well i shut the door and they all scattered i guess because i never found i just figured i'm just going to drive i'm like i don't think they can get into the car from the engine bay could you imagine you just [ __ ] you're just trying to see one in like a just but they were just so many of them the point is that as soon as you stopped your car they jumped on your car they jumped over the top of your tires in the back wheel well and they were like running around in my car they were checking my car for food like what if my window was open maybe they would jump in and start eating a subway sandwich by the way they're willing to risk it all for a open bag of funyuns they are not scared of you at all remotely the new york one always puts up these videos occasionally of like the taco bell on 54th street and you're just watching like 30 rats just be in the thing and you're like holy [ __ ] and they did it they did it to the taco bell that uh by the restaurant i worked at that like just go get a cheap you know taco bell let's go get a quesadilla and then you saw that
video you're like oh my god yeah there's it's uh there's so many of them and you go down one of the grossest things i've ever seen in my life is new york city summer riding the subways like off the train it's like you know hundred out it's got that humidity is that the smell dude i was at the west fourth stop right and it's this long [ __ ] tunnel when you're going downtown on it and you get off on third street it's like this long [ __ ] tunnel there's all these advertisements and i'm looking ahead and i'm watching people move i'm like i got my earbuds in and i'm like watching i'm seeing people and they're like jumping and i'm like what the [ __ ] can i look and there's this rat that has half his fur gone it's just [ __ ] bald on one side and it's dying and it's like and it's [ __ ] big and it's like ah and it's just going side to side did i ran by like this i made a noise like riding by running by and i was like because it was going up and i was going up i was like oh no dude it was so gross it was it was just basically like kill me [ __ ] kill me oh my god oh dude thinking about it now it was hot and it was like it was like dude this thing it'll give a [ __ ] that thing's running around with people like he's not scared of the people he's dying i'm just like i don't give a [ __ ] dude put me on my goddamn misery i wonder if that's what it was doing but running around those people why wouldn't it hide to die or it's the funniest rat when he comes back yes i [ __ ] got him i got him all dude you shaved [ __ ] scared the [ __ ] out of him i'm so glad we did this [ __ ] scared the piss out of him i lived in a house in encino at one point in time it was in the hills yeah and uh you got a lot of rats up there a lot of coyotes and a lot of rats and uh probably i would get them in my garage they'd figure out a way to get under the garage door and they would come into the garbage so i'd have the garbage in the garage and i went out there and the garbage was like strewn everywhere it's like [ __ ] i gotta get traps i got traps
i i hear the snap i go out there and it's a [ __ ] giant rat i mean he's like this his body's this big i'm like oh [ __ ] what's up [ __ ] i'm looking at it and but i was like i don't feel like dealing with this right now i'm like i'm just gonna leave this here i'll clean it up tomorrow but so i go i leave it there and i get up in the morning and i open up the garage door and they ate him the other rats ate him there was almost nothing left that's why it was just the tail when you look into like a king rat situation where they're just like stuck together just like yeah what is that rat king thing it's like they'll climb their tails get stuck together and then they kill each other because they're all like jesus christ they're just stuck together and there's like i'll [ __ ] kill you their tails just get tangled and then they i think they wind up killing each other is it always when there's like a shitload of them around that makes sense though right is there that many on top of each other and then again i went in a tree oh baby squirrels accidentally got rat king look they're all going ass to ass ass too ass ass too ass dude that's a real thing mummified look at that i mean dude think about it if the three of us couldn't get away from each other and we didn't know why you just started panicking you would wreck jamie and hi i'm out first and then people would just well that means like a donner party situation dude that book uh i just read a book about donner party that i'm like all i want to do is talk about it it's so [ __ ] crazy how one mistake yeah it's called underneath uh [ __ ] man this is why pot sucks because you read books and then yeah um the donner party is the number one story of people eating people yeah but that was like when you see the point they got to yeah underneath the [ __ ] something stars they they got to a point where they were like taking leather straps and boiling it down yeah and eating leather yeah the indifferent stars above [ __ ] unbelievable
um dude they did who survived uh they had like they had i want to say like over 20 survivors mostly women and how many people lived all right how many people died right like they lost like sick over 60 and it was like kids families and there were all these different camps and it's like it was one guy just selling it was like almost the most american store you can do where a guy's like i got a shortcut and they're like is it good and he's like of course it's good and then they're caught in the sierra mountains with like like under like 15 feet of snow like insane [ __ ] where they had and then like they talk about eating the people and it had to be like one woman didn't want to know if it was her husband or not because her husband had died and she's like just don't just go mix up the meat just go mix it up so i don't know that i'm eating my beloved john you know god but you and those guys got trapped and then they come out the end of that book is basically all about ptsd and about how all these people that survived were like that old timey thing where like we don't talk about that they just pushed it down how could you keep it together after eating a person just coming back and being like normal yeah super normal stayed alive because yeah it's a nice day i ate this old lady yeah this [ __ ] old guy died and i took a hunk of his thigh ah also doing the thing of dressing a human like a deer or something where you got to be like oh [ __ ] man ah [ __ ] that's cannibalism really is the only thing for all humans where you're like well it's the only thing that there's a disease that prevents it yeah it's like stop there's a disease really yeah it's uh what is it called jacob's krutz feld that's what it's called is it like mad cow disease yes exactly so it's like it causes holes in your brain prions yeah yeah it's a prion disease i think it comes from eating human it's either uh brain tissue or neural tissue dude if you have that you just tell on yourself you're like i have that like so you eat people and you go well i was i was in taiwan and i was at a place i didn't know what it was they fed me they lied it wasn't on the menu they said it was monkey brains oh
they brought it out and it was [ __ ] you're not supposed to eat monkey brains either bro really i mean i don't i don't isn't that a delicacy over there yeah but i think the i think primate prions the the thing would be like i don't know if people have gotten you know mad monkey disease like mad cow disease but mad cow disease comes from cows eating other cows yeah put it they put cow in the feed not just meat yeah you put cow brains and neural tissue and whatever the [ __ ] what what is it what is the actual thing that causes the prions is it or uh uh jacob's krutz felt from eating humans it's it's it's it's either the brain tissue it's the says it's just from contaminated meat not necessarily oh but that's no but you're talking about mad cow disease right crutchfield jacob oh well you see that but that is what it means it's it is mad cow disease we go pull that pull up that that word and then mad couch personality changes i think it's it's still the same thing i think it's a prion disease see it is mad cow disease dude what's so funny about that is it says it changes your personality so it is the same as mad cow disease no cds yeah cjd is not related to mad cow disease although they're both considered tses i don't know what tse is only people who get cjd and only cattle get mad cow disease okay so it's a it's a similar because it's a prion disease but it's not so if that's not mad cow disease we can catch their prion disease too right like we can we can catch up okay like so people definitely get a prion disease from eating people yeah and they definitely get a prion disease from eating cows that ate cows yeah that's what they're trying to say yeah i think it's not the same disease i think when mad cow disease came out we didn't know what the human variant was and i think it was just like right because they're similar they're like oh it's mad cow disease but in reality only cattle can get mad cow disease right so we're getting a similar disease from it's basically the rule don't eat your own yeah it's just nature being don't eat what ate its own yeah don't don't eat other things that eat
their own copy of a copy i mean that's probably one of the reasons why no i mean rats are just not considered delicious i left that rat dead rat dude for one one evening yeah and he was gone and they were like there was like feet left in the tail oh they stayed everything the one rat that was like dude i heard [ __ ] mark died in that garage let's go eat him [ __ ] mark yeah just want to eat his [ __ ] always got the first garbage well yeah you wanted to be first mark now we're all going to eat you you stupid dead [ __ ] we're all quick yeah dude coming back out and seeing that like seeing nature work yeah almost like those old-school uh time-lapse videos where you watch the skull deteriorate and then like the grass grow around yeah yeah yeah yeah don't do it in a day or you come out and you're like oh [ __ ] it's gone i think it would be a buzz i bet if you put cameras out there and got a slow it'd be just like that's and rats at the same time just eating them alive richard kaklinsky the ice man that that serial killer oh yeah he would go to he would go to bucks county pennsylvania and he found this k these caves with rats and he would put a [ __ ] video camera and watch people get eaten he would just put him in there alive yeah and come back come back a week later nothing nothing in that book by philip carlo the iceman they talk about how this [ __ ] klinsky would watch those videos eating sandwiches and [ __ ] like that's how cold he was he was like yeah i'll watch this [ __ ] dude i got it that was a weird phase when you're single and you're explaining to women why you read about richard kuklinski so much you're like nah dude i'm cool don't worry his interviews are chilling that one was that hbo yeah it's called uh yeah it's like a confessions of something the iceman something yeah there's one where the the last two or three are done by a female psychologist the first one is this guy who's like trying to goad him at one point oh jesus and he goes just real quietly he goes you see that you just made me mad and it's one of
those things where you're like get the [ __ ] out of the room dude get the [ __ ] out of the room the stories in that philip carlo book are [ __ ] insane about how he would be like you know the gambino family would order a hit in florida and they're like put some pizzazz on it and he would feed the guy to a shark or some [ __ ] like real crazy [ __ ] you know son of hussein's sons would rape women and feed them to their dogs what the [ __ ] yeah how do you do that post nut how are you that mean post nut how much have you got that much [ __ ] vinegar in you you i heard horrible stories yeah about the the two sons were apparently like uday and kusey like who said full-on serial killers just and getting thrown style serial killers jesus christ i know you used to torture the iraqi soccer team they would like electrocute their nipples for their [ __ ] duo which is already there's so much pressure those two something see i think there was a document or a film about the two sons isn't there was there a udain kusey film they were supposed to listen well good news coming to abc it's two brothers who's got a sick comment two brothers that do whatever the hell they want could you imagine if your dad was saddam hussein yeah devil's double is what it's called what is it can you put it up wait hold on is that a fictional or is it a documentary dude that is a fictional movie or just being cousins with them oh you're like they're coming over for dinner i hope it doesn't kill me like oh [ __ ] dude dude what how'd the national team do remember that guy in uh devil's double uh fact-based drama iraqi lieutenant yahya is forcibly drafted into being a body double for uday hussain saddam hussein's depraved elder son oh wow oh that's cool when did that come out last year 2011. oh really interesting i remember hearing about that but dude i would love this that's like uday hussein's like a guy where you're like i'll do a deep dive i'm gonna learn about your crazy ass pull up uh an article on how evil they were let's see if you can find something they it was terrifying [ __ ] man oh by the way those
uh donner party stats look at that uday career of rape torture and murder just to fact check myself those those uh daughter party stats i don't know if that's true about the murders but it felt right that's why i let you know i was looking stuff up about it i do that all the time it there's a lot i just toss it out nate always calls me on it is that southern fact that kids yeah dude these guys if you're uday hussain and your dad is saddam just running [ __ ] you're gonna feel very empowered to be a [ __ ] psycho look at this hold on search for public appropriation uh appears to have taken over in the mid-1980s when usa when uday first took a close interest in the sport footballers say he never really understood or showed much much interest in the game itself but was desperate enough for a win that he would phone up the dressing room during halftime to threaten to cut off players legs and throw them to ravenous dogs just in between it and they go hey uh and you're like hello i'll cut your [ __ ] legs off and feed them to ravenous dogs as football overseer uday kept a private torture scorecard with written instructions on how many times each place player should be beaten on the soles of his feet after a particularly poor showing he also carried a grudge once you came to uday's notice you never he never left you alone the only time i managed to get away from his eyes was when i went outside iraq star performer habib jafar told the guardian last april [ __ ] dude damn dude read that next one oh uday's excess is carried over into his private life where he had a reputation for ordering any girl or woman who caught his eye to be brought to his private pleasure dome pleasure dome dude which sounds so fun to get invited to if you're like dude do you want to come to my pleasure dome you're like yeah absolutely and he's like it's not good it's day hussein's pleasure dome oh my god in 1988 he bludgeoned to death his father's bodyguard uh in front of horrified partygoers oh my god he also shot off one of his
uncles he shot one of his uncles in the leg the murder shootings and other erratic behavior put him in permanent disfavor with saddam he was briefly exiled to switzerland and when he was allowed to return to iraq he was never again deemed suitable for succession damn he got cut off which means you know how much [ __ ] up [ __ ] you gotta do for saddam hussein go back to what we were looking at before oh like a little bit before that but you know what i mean you know how much [ __ ] up [ __ ] you got to do for saddam hussein to be like this that's that's too much i'm gassing kurds but this is too much what a scary person yeah to have your father be a dictator and you're a murderous psychopath you're a problem for him your dad's a murderous dictator and you're the problem with the problem he sends you to switzerland go be neutral switzerland see how they do it do it like that it's like that ben affleck meme where he's smoking he's just outside he's like oh day i gotta [ __ ] get rid of him this kid's nuts you mad in switzerland where you know they're not known for being violent at all and all of a sudden that dude [ __ ] moves in yeah you're putting one of those [ __ ] attack dogs at a poodle school you're like damn dude also him being your neighbor he's like uday like uday hussain and he's like yeah you're like [ __ ] dude i would invite you over to watch soccer but i felt like when you read stories of like ancient kings and dynasties and their sons and the evil princes and it's almost like that's the pattern that always happens the the the sons of dictators are like ruthless i always think that with um mafia kids a lot of mafia kids if you guys weren't into it but you you got a guy that like makes his way from like sicily or up in brooklyn yeah makes a made man and he's making it and then they have those kids that are just like they saw the power their dad had so they didn't have the beginning part right then they're like i got the power you [ __ ] respect me and you're like yeah but your dad went up the ranks you know what i mean it's just powerful people with their kids i couldn't i'm so glad i wasn't the
son of a powerful man oh home what a good word i was a i was a son of a very fun drunk that's where clowns are made if you were the if you were the son of like a scary forceful guy the problem is people resist that [ __ ] they don't want that they don't want that they want to be their own man they don't want to be they want to go into your line of business and take over the family business and [ __ ] man that's like how many stories are about that where the man has got to get away from his dad i don't want to do the business i'm forced to do the business it's always always always the storyline where it's like i'll go back to running my dad's factory and [ __ ] whatever because it ain't your dream that's not your dream and sometimes dads want it to be your dream whenever i see comedians like children of comedians get into it or athletes yeah like the athletes ken griffey jr is so good at baseball that he was better than his dad do you know how [ __ ] crazy they played on the same team you got to be so good at something to be like i'm gonna go in my dad's field and i'm gonna be better like kobe bryant's dad steph curry these are guys of great nba players right and then they go and they're like watch this so that's mayweather his dad was yeah fought sugar a leonard he was [ __ ] awesome yeah floyd mayweather jr senior was awesome yeah you forget that he's a junior yeah and he's the greatest fighter possibly great boxer of all time in my book yeah yeah i mean watching him roll that shoulder and just absolutely destroy people you just look at boxing in terms of like how often you get hit versus how often do you hit the other guy he's the best ever yeah and it was uh and he's the son of so it is you know it's not a sweeping rule of like if you're the son of someone like you're gonna suck probably but if you're good you're gonna be [ __ ] great right because you got that extra pressure that ends up getting behind you and pushing you the way him and his uncle and his father talk i i would imagine that there were they were always super competitive from the time they were young yeah like he grew up being sued they're like they're super competitive they're competitive about talking [ __ ]
they're competitive about all kinds of things so it's like that that hive like growing up with that all the time and the boxing skill puts you in a place where you're down on the cards in a fight who's that guy from argentina that he fought mardano madonna madonna yeah if you watch that fight he's up on the cards early and you watch mayweather breathe it out and just refocus and you're like that's what you get from growing up around all that [ __ ] you can focus in and well he always has an amazing car my donna cracked him he caught him he was one of the few guys that actually hit floyd in his career it was like sugar strain mosley hit him once pretty good and my donna hit him once and it was the end of a round and he clipped him and floyd wobbled a little and the round was over but it was like whoa like that dude could hit and then he just came back and walked them down yeah and then the second fight they had was even better yeah the second fight they had it was a shutout he's like i know exactly what you do yeah this time i'm ready for it and i'm still mad that you hit me the best guy mad at you for hitting you you're like dude i don't know i have to floyd is just the best technician ever yeah he's his technique his it's flawless his movement his understanding of distance one of the funniest things that he ever did was he fought this uh there's this guy who uh tension who is a he's a huge star in japan in martial arts kickboxing and stuff like that but he's a smaller guy but he's like a very exciting young prospect and they paid floyd to box him this guy fights at like maybe 130 pounds okay he's a small guy yeah he's smaller than floyd yeah he's a lot smaller than floyd i mean i want to say he maybe fights 136 i'm not sure i love that he's not very big just a [ __ ] squirrely guy yeah but floyd's way bigger than that yeah and floyd didn't even look like he worked out at all he walked in there with a big smile on his face he didn't particularly look fit he didn't look ripped yeah and he just beat the [ __ ]
out of this dude he beat the [ __ ] out of this dude so bad that people thought it was a fixed fight they were calling me up dude you got to see this fixed fight floyd mayweather was involved in a fixed fight and i watched i go that's not fixed that's what happened to you [ __ ] if floyd hit you you would go down like that you got the [ __ ] are you talking about it but when you get whooped by someone not in shape the excuses out of your mouth on the walk back you're like yeah i don't know i mean i it must have been something i ate i don't think floyd ever gets out of shape don't get me wrong but he wasn't shredded he wasn't like like he looked like look at him here yeah look at he just walked him down like it was nothing actually he looks pretty fit there he looks pretty fit i'll take it back maybe it was in my mind i i decided that he looked smooth but he i mean when you watch him smiling when you watched all those 24 7 documentaries he was his thing was like he always just loved to go to the gym yeah dude i mean he's not as ripped as he's been in other fights but he still looks pretty good yeah but the point is like he's so relaxed dude he's so much better than this guy if if by the way if tension could kick him yeah he'd be [ __ ] i mean 100 percent would they ever do that fight no tension would [ __ ] him up so they like listen to me 100 he would [ __ ] him up see where floyd's leg is right there yeah 100 tension would [ __ ] that leg up 100 and then you could only take a few of those like look okay just boxing floyd has let him survive for a minute right yeah and if this was kickboxing and tension could kick his legs this fight would be in grave danger of being stopped because floyd would be [ __ ] yeah his legs would be falling apart and this dude would be chopping at him and look at this so that was the one they said dude that's fake that's fake i go what are you talking about that's one of the greatest boxers the world has ever known against a guy who's like 15 pounds 20 pounds lighter than him just looking around like [ __ ] up and he's a young kid i i think at this time he was in his i want to say he's in his early 20s he uh
when you have fights like that like the you know like the original ufc's look at him fire back though the kid's a prodigy in kickboxing and i but my worry was my worry was that this this defeat was so crushing the way it happened was so absolute the way floyd just sort of walked him down with his he didn't even try to not get hit he just had no respect for him oh anybody that thinks that that's not real is out of their [ __ ] mind but i got a lot of people calling me a lot of people go bro you're gonna see it's a fixed fight dude that the the one that lands that puts them down you're like oh [ __ ] dude please stay down look it's still going on he's like jesus what did i say this is the thing he's he knocks him down three times so floyd's just walking him down i mean he's not even using any of his boxing he's got his hands up he's just looking for openings to crack him and then he cracks them again damn i think that's it i think it's a three knockdown thing but there's no i mean obviously not floyd mayweather but there's no way they would do that right would they kickboxing no floyd wouldn't do that floyd would have to be broke yeah he'd have to be broke and they'd have to pull up the brink's truck but it's not good it wouldn't be good it's not good just because it changes it changes everything it changes everything now what about if you added like a kickboxer wrestler like like so like with the first ufc depends on what kind of puncher you're talking about so like if mike tyson fought a kickboxer you still would bet on mike tyson in his prime because mike tyson would close the distance and smash that guy with one or two punches so quick that the leg kicks wouldn't matter yeah he would just be on you and before you knew it it was a swarm of knuckles but floyd is a technician floyd's not like a one punch just smash everybody guy he's he finds his spots picks you apart and [ __ ] you up yeah that takes time yeah and when a guy's just gotta set it up guys kicking your legs you don't have any time you have no time so the only guys who would i think with like shannon briggs fought um he fought tom erickson in a kickboxing fight and tom erickson kicked his legs but tom erickson was
like more of an mma fighter he was really a really good wrestler a big giant wrestler but shannon briggs starches people with one punch yeah it's a very particular kind of power you have to have you get in there with a kickboxer i think yeah cause the the the danger of just getting your legs removed it's too it's too hard to if you're not used to it you've got to train for a long time to accept and check them and also you have to condition your legs to be able to get beaten up like that yeah don't they uh like roll out the nerves and stuff and their shins and stuff to be able to get kicked no they just muay thai they just kick things they just kick things yeah [ __ ] just go kick that i mean over time it definitely gets harder just from clashing shins and hitting elbows and hitting knees it all gets what happens is you get like these micro fractures all over the tops your shins from colliding with things it's like it's like having cauliflower ear but all over your shin oh okay that's what it's like i think for me the biggest thing would probably be to stop saying ow i think they just get numb but they still break their shins like world-class kickboxers still break their [ __ ] chins yeah and fall down with their leg like that yeah man like that anderson silverware like that's a perfect example anderson silva was a elite striker and he still cracked his [ __ ] leg in half tyrone spong there was this guy uh gokan saki and tyron spong fought and tyrone spawn was top of the food chain kickboxer and he threw this leg kick and gokan checked it and his leg just went snapped uh chris weinman yeah chris weidman i remember that word world champion mma fighter still broke his [ __ ] shin i mean you don't think his shins are conditioned they're conditioned as [ __ ] yeah it doesn't matter and then they still bone you know these couch warriors are like [ __ ] broke his legs [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah you should drink more milk dude milk is delicious drink more milk yeah one milk and apparently uh just just get your [ __ ] leg broken dude that's got to be insane to have your legs snap like that have it wrap around conor mcgregor yeah yeah conor had a [ __ ] up leg
going into that fight it turns out they think he had a stress fracture on that before you know he even threw the first kick in the fight it just breaks it just snapped off because there was no like big moment where it looked like oh that makes sense that would break a leg yeah there was no moment like that just a small chance the weidman fight was like super clear the ariahull checks it and the thing just snapped yeah dude it looked like a [ __ ] stretch armstrong arm wrapped around see chris weidman's move was if i just full power leg kick you in the calf with the first kick yeah you're [ __ ] yeah like you're going to be [ __ ] and then i'm going to jump on you and uriah hall's a skillful striker he just knew how to check it he just checked it that was a tough one that's one of the ones where i remember like you know doing i do shows on saturdays watch that let's watch it again chris weidman almost breaks his because it's uh it's a cautionary tale dude it's a cautionary tale of this this is uh you don't play fighting that's the the best way to describe it did we uh this is the anderson silva when he broke in on chris weidman oh it was the same night as the rousey fight and i was coming back from the road so i dvr'ed the [ __ ] event and i was very excited to watch that let's hold this thought yeah let's tell the story when come back because they're going to take a piss i've been holding it in for them i'll take a piss through all right we'll take a piss we'll be right back all right this is uh you're going to talk about anderson silva breaking his leg yes chris weidman we'll be right back and we're back well i just want to thank you as someone that's listening to your podcast for finally answering the question if you take piss breaks or not yes we take piss breaks yeah if you have to i always tell everybody if you just say it it's no big deal i wonder how many think how many guests do you think you've had that people have to piss but they're just like a lot a lot better i see them squirming i start to see them squirming together yeah they're trying to keep it together but they're getting distracted
say it [ __ ] and they're like i should probably like tell more people like if you have to pee just say it it's no big deal yeah i think that would you gotta lead it with because dude you were like i got a piss i was like [ __ ] yes yeah i was it was getting to the point where i couldn't concentrate i was like squeezing my uh testicles uh area yeah whatever that pipe is shut the [ __ ] dude jesus christ this is getting rough so this all right this is the chris weidman this is the weidman break but before the weimar break the anderson silva when he broke it on weidman i had it dvr'd and i came home and my [ __ ] roommate was having a party and he didn't tell me that was gonna happen our other roommate our third roommate was not a comic and i was coming back from the road so i was tired and i was like dude i want this party and so he wasn't even [ __ ] there his friends were there so i kicked everyone out i'm like get the [ __ ] out your friends were partying at your house yes and he had left to go meet a girl this is like oh my god 2012 2011 and i'm like dude get the [ __ ] how many people 10. just hanging around your house dude i came back none of them lived there but you no and my spider sense went off how weird i was at the [ __ ] baggage claim and i was like this what if he has a party oh and you know that thing where you get yourself mad i know exactly what i do and then you come over this really party and i look and i go where's where is he where's pete and they're like he's not here he went to meet up with a girl and i was like so you came home to a party that was going on without pete yeah he had left and he had gone to meet up and there was people it was his friends a couple of them i had met but most of them i didn't know so i'm like hey dude his friend that i knew saw my face i put my luggage i put my suitcase in my room and he's like hey everybody he was cool he got everyone out i had to take a walk i was so [ __ ] i've never taken a walk because i'm so mad so get high get food put on the pay-per-view watch all the fights pete comes home at the start of the
weidman anderson silva fight and we start [ __ ] screaming at each other what the [ __ ] you have a [ __ ] party here what the [ __ ] anderson silva's legs break we both go oh it was on the dvd we were like both like two dice clays like oh stop the fight we both sat down we were like what the [ __ ] oh my god it's one of those things where you know how guys just are like all right don't do that again yeah if you're like holy [ __ ] we were like [ __ ] you dude yeah i was like you're not allowed to have friends over anymore like i'm just [ __ ] down oh my god that's still there [ __ ] you we're like yelling at each other in that break i was like oh [ __ ] that's a weird one though when you have roommates you come home and there's a gang of people in your house like ugh yeah especially because i hadn't quit drinking yet so it's much more forgiving when you drink because you're like hey party when did you quit um 2013. oh i quit joe list nate and i was our that was our running that was our drinking crew oh yeah and joe we all quit all of us are done norman's the last of the mohicans norman's the last one from our group that's still boozes he likes to get drunk he likes it his booze yeah he likes to party yeah norman's fun fun we used to uh but liszt quit and then uh he was the first person i ever met that quit drinking booze and was like it's [ __ ] awesome everyone else was white knuckle in it gotta work the program you gotta do this and this this was my this is my first friend that's like you're gonna get better at comedy you're gonna lie you're gonna like life better that's that's we were talking about that but we didn't finish earlier we were talking about a tell so tal um did insomniac and you know he was always partying always drinking yeah and um i saw him in l.a at the improv one night he was hammered and he was looking for an after-hours spot and then it was like very soon after that that he decided to sober up and then i saw him maybe a year later i'm like oh my god he's it's so
his act is so tight and sharp and i'm like he's he's still like he's more dedicated to stand up now and it's like more time he's not feeling like [ __ ] all the time exactly yeah it's i started recent i want to say like since covid i i used to smoke weed before every set uh like before headlining sets in between shows go smoke a joint stop doing that when i'm headlining and it almost was the same benefit really yeah i could think i like getting high during 15 minute sets in the city from at the seller right for fun yeah you smoke a bowl try this bit i'm gonna try this out let's play around right but like now i'm getting to the point where i want people that come out to have a great show so i want to be the best you know and i want to do really well right so it's like if i stop smoking weed and it became better shows and more fun after the show to be like after that late show yeah that's interesting your um your 15 minute sets you you [ __ ] around yeah and so like you feel like in a 15-minute set maybe the marijuana helps you a little bit because absolutely i loosen up yeah you know big j will always say he makes references he normally wouldn't make when he's high and i'm like yeah that makes sense because you're feeling it yeah you're kind of feeling it in a different way well your brain's tuned into a different thing yeah you know you got but it's uh it's it's so interesting to me how differently it affects people you know it's it's so the just the way they talk about it's like some some people get super lazy on it some people get super motivated they start thinking oh my god what am i doing with my life and they start getting weirded out by that and they always that's always kind of what it's been for me where i get high and i'm but i i mean i'm great at being lazy but i also what i'll get high and then immediately like be like all right i gotta get better jumps just goes to the default programming where i'm like i have to [ __ ] write better jokes i always no matter the show i like three of the jokes and then four of the bits i'll be like what the [ __ ] is it time to get going yeah time to get go time to get going and when you're around people like
you know shane and big j and [ __ ] samurail and mark norman you're seeing these people do jokes that you're like or list list will come out with like 10 minutes i'm like [ __ ] let's go i gotta go or go watch colin yeah in a tell it's like that's good that motivation but weed for me adds the extra like remember you gotta write better jokes yeah [ __ ] all right well it's so much better than the things that make you confident yeah things that make you confident or dangerous like that's what it means like or booze and you get mike tyson punching on you on a jet blue flight yeah yeah that guy's probably on a bunch of [ __ ] the guy who uh mike tyson punched apparently according to the new york post uh has a lengthy criminal history uh well in that case if he's if he's had a lot of [ __ ] ups and he's a you know a bad person whatever he's gonna go to jail at least he got to get his ass kicked by a famous person if you find yourself or mike tyson's reaching over the back of an airline seat and punching you in the face i think you probably earned it i think you probably earned it yeah i i don't think he you climb into uh i don't think he was for kicking his chair right i don't think it was he's a [ __ ] guy was super annoying man yeah and he was like over the thing you just can't yeah it's like people get crazy they think that just because he's uh you know he's mike tyson he's famous he can't just punch you you're annoying him he's gonna just [ __ ] hit you like a normal person would you know hecklers do that though yeah some you know that like they'll be talking and you're like hey shut the [ __ ] up and right but you're like you can't talk yeah they didn't bring you down here they didn't put you up at the [ __ ] extended stay they're not amplifying you and stop stop talking that's why booze when people are like when i have friends like i'm coming to your show you're going to the bar first who wants to get drunk and sit silently in a dark room no one who you want to get drunk and go pay attention not only that like if there's a guy who thinks he
might be funny that's the time they all think they're funny yeah they want to do i don't know what to do i got you oh and then you know the classic after the show i helped and you're like man i helped yeah i wonder if that guy was like i helped that flight that guy got beat up i was helping that flight everyone i made it entertaining for everyone you see the lady they got duct tape on a flight great they duct taped their face very funny that's wild yeah they run a frat in the sky what do you have to do to get your face duct tape you got to be saying some crazy [ __ ] but they're like dude [ __ ] duct tape what is she doing i [ __ ] i didn't like the sopranos it's just like takes hot takes i i'll say it right now brian cranston wasn't that great in breaking bad everyone's like yeah it's you got to be an obnoxious [ __ ] to get duct taped i want to know what they said she said yeah anybody out there tape your mouth if you hear that please reach out to us tell us am i imagining that they duct tape her mouth or did they really duct tape their mouth yeah they got that they [ __ ] tucked it damn dude did she sue i don't know man i think she's in trouble i think woman look at this she got fined 82 000 woman duct taped aboard american airlines flight faces record eighty-two thousand dollars a.a oh yeah she tried to go for the door dude so the faa is gonna find her but does that is that for sure the woman assaulted and bit a flight attendant after she attempted to open the forward boarding door oh [ __ ] okay we're restrained for the safety and the security of other customers in our crew oh my god damn dude someone going for the door so she bit somebody that's why they mouth did her mouth she could be heard screaming you you you at passengers filling uh filing past her as flight attendants calmly nodded their goodbyes oh wow so she's screaming at them while they're watching oh it wasn't in the air though okay oh it wasn't no i think they were like they were grounded oh they were on the way to fly which almost is like so
before they even got in the air they're grounded and they duct taped her you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] dude if you're duct taper when she was on the ground you know that's the best part they should lead with that oh here it is agency said she attempted to hug and kiss another passenger tried to exit the plane mid-flight oh she was in the flight oh okay she was on the slide all right never mind she tried to exit the plane mid-flight and bit another flyer multiple times before the queue with the crew restrained her damn hold on what different ladies yeah is it different lady against the woman that says fa proposed to find the second largest ever against a woman on a delta flight okay so it's a different flight so duct tape lady wasn't the lady from las vegas to atlanta okay so this is a second flight oh i see okay the so this one this is only 20 21. she's biting people we're setting new records there's another story where there is like uh the duct taping has it's been happening to multiple people happened to uh there's a whale that happened he was talking [ __ ] like what they just duct tape people now yeah dude and then you're in sigma kai that's how what did they do to the ladies if that was the lady that was on the ground that got duct taped like that so if the other story was another person that bit a bunch of people yeah what what did this lady do that they didn't just remove her from the plane they just said no [ __ ] you're staying here yeah yeah you're gonna [ __ ] fly if it's on the ground that sounds so insane just pop the door up and get her the [ __ ] out yeah you open the door you call the cops they get her out like they duct tape don't have to fly this lady that makes no sense is that are we right here yeah she was saying yeah she was i think she was just [ __ ] crazy oh my god can you use that excuse anymore or she just [ __ ] well there's there's levels to that okay and don't be ableist dancer i'm sorry i'm sorry shades of crazy duct-taped video shows woman duct taped a seat after trying to open airplane door and apparently this is great this is i love the post covering their ass an apparently unhinged woman you know she's just apparently that's
that's a cute thing dude she's [ __ ] taped to it that is wild as everyone's getting off would you keep filming her like would you sit right in front of her and try to go to her like you would a zombie like if you saw a zombie yeah and if there was a zombie that was chained up in someone's basement yeah and uh i'd be like holy [ __ ] it's a real zombie i was looking [ __ ] what i'd want to see like showing those dead teeth i knew the zombie could not break free you sure you can't break free i might get close to him i'd be like [ __ ] you [ __ ] cheat it yeah i might be thinking you're afraid brains [ __ ] you wouldn't be here right now i've seen the show they're like here they give you a louisville they're like take a take a swing at him you get him in the leg so if you were on this flight yeah would you like just put the camera in front of her and not say anything i would honestly think i would think of this yeah i would think of something fun to say i would want a good parting right yeah you know what i mean it seems like you'd want to focus on her for a few seconds according to this person here's the scene if you it's okay it sounds kind of crazy two hour flight july 6 from dallas fort worth and to charlotte north carolina had been delayed for at least three hours before it finally departed at midnight but about an hour into the trip chaos broke out uh this woman said that in a subsequent video describing the hectic scene flight attendants began turning on the lights around 1 30 a.m she said and we see all flight attendants running up and down the aisles frantically kind of like whispering to each other the plane's crew began locking bathrooms grabbing bags from overhead bins it wouldn't say what was happening it was just kind of like chaos and no one knows what's going on she continued finally the pilot spoke over the intercom asking people to stay in their seats referencing to a bad situation in the plane right now according to the passenger then we're gradually starting to hear more and more screaming and we're like wait a minute she noted just as the plane was about to land a
flight attendant who sat near them explained that a woman with an apparent mental issue had an outburst like had the urge to get off the plane and she was saying i need to get off this plane and she went up to the exits and started banging on the doors saying you need to let me off this plane i guess it took five flight attendants to subdue her and like literally take her down so she said of the incident which was first reported by tmc they pretty much took her down put her in the seat and duct taped her damn dude if you're what they don't talk about is the first guy that noticed because she's not telling people what she's doing so someone's gotten's up to the door someone's gotta notice it oh my god and you're just reading your magazine and you're like what the [ __ ] has anybody ever opened up one of those doors i don't know that's a i mean that's gonna suck everyone out right that would just be a i wonder how easy it is to do probably not that easy because they always talk about the weight of the door and you got the pressure of being in the sky i wonder if you can open it while the plane is moving like i wonder if there's some fail safes well i hate going with fit like the impossibility and being like you can't do it but according it's physically impossible to open a door midfield well what if you're like thor what if you're a son of odin what if you're like eddie hall like one of those gigantic power lifters strong man dudes cruising altitude i should say okay so up at like 30 000 feet impossible that's uh airplay according to this business insider which you know best best source for this information yeah they're aviation airplane doors are impossible to open at cruising altitude which is about 36 000 feet pressurization mimic conditions at 8 000 feet above sea level to keep passengers imagine having the balls to like know that uh this person you're traveling with is completely insane like maybe you're dating this lady and she's like i gotta get off this plane yeah i've gotta get off this plane shut up
she runs to the door but you know the physics yeah so you just go like yeah you're doing it you're just doing a boyfriend in an argument thing yeah you're gonna leave you're gonna open the door in the middle of the flight do you wanna let's let's dream smart can we talk about this or are you gonna try to open the door maybe that's selfish to the other [ __ ] people on the plane that you just wanna fly to the ground and everybody else has to the guy behind you is going hey don't prove nothing don't get hurt get your girl what's going on don't prove nothing don't what the [ __ ] are you doing oh my god yeah that would be terrifying to witness because again you don't know how strong this [ __ ] you know i'm [ __ ] good how strong this lady is people are crazy they're really strong they rip their arms apart trying to do something dude if she did a bump of pcp before that plane took off and it was like i'm gonna start cooking at 30 000. my boxing coach got his finger bitten off on pcp and had it replaced with his toe what which toe his second toe next to the big toe that became his index finger and he had it curved permanently so he could throw right hooks wait so his hand just looks like when you shook his hand he had he he had this going on so it's like a toe he never really like shook his he shook his hand but he you got a finger in there so the toe is this part yes the toe was this part so but it was permanently bent so you could pinch things with it right but it was permanently bad it didn't straighten out it was like this but you could do you could do most of the things you could do if you had a finger there but he got it bitten off in a street fight while he was on pcp well he was on pc yes that's why i walked away oh my god okay um after the cargo door tore off in flight causing explosive decompression and ejecting nine people from the plane oh my god damn that was an 89 i remember that damn there was a flight and the people just got sucked out of the plane in mid-flight that was a hawaii fight right going to honolulu yeah that's it oh my god that's so scary man that
[ __ ] that always scared me when i saw it in movies whenever they show that they show the person who's being like just kidding like wild week yeah bro but also if you're ready for it you could do some cool poses on the way out you could superman on the way your brain would be flooded yeah with psychedelic chemicals because you would absolutely 100 know you're going to die there's no way you're going to survive and you would probably get a golden geometric pattern that opens up and takes you straight to the afterlife yeah you just come and [ __ ] at the same time your body's like let it all yeah and you just pass through and you pop on the other side like on impact dude and in reality it just looks like a jelly sandwich hit the ground whoever's near you they never talk about those people that watch people land yeah you're just like oh it's coming through the air it's not good are you it's splattering we were talking the other day about the the squirrel suit guy just slammed into the bridge did you ever see that no i saw the one where he went down and just didn't get the one yeah so just goes one guy hits a bridge and it sounds like a car accident because he's hits this bridge going who knows how fast they're going like hundreds of miles an hour maybe it's like probably over 150 pound guys he thought he was gonna slide through the hole in the bridge and he just didn't calculate it right and he couldn't turn in time you know those extreme sports are awesome but you gotta pull through in order for it to be awesome well that is crazy so crazy and the screams of the people who realize what just happened it's like because they came to see this guy triumphantly fly through the bridge in a squirrel suit and then you watch him get accordion on the bridge oh my god just getting [ __ ] stuffed just the impact yeah that's got to be that's that impact is so insane if you're standing on that bridge and you feel that oh my god you would totally feel it it'd be like a an asteroid yeah
yeah it would be like a truck i mean like a small like a pinto right i mean you know obviously pinto much heavier than a human but i'm saying listen i want you to listen to it oh well i just said i just okay let me get that one first one was like a guy that crashed and survived oh jesus you get to the point where he crashes is this a parachute guy or a wingsuit guy same thing okay jesus christ he's going to survive this oh yeah boom so that's what he hits yeah impact oh oh my god does he pull out of it no he just tumbles to the ground yeah oh oh he's got a parachute but it wasn't open damn dude did they have the audio of him being like oh my yeah put up that icarus quote right when they see me eat grass dude that's [ __ ] wild doing those extreme [ __ ] like that but i was saying if you're on that bridge and that guy hits you i bet you get ptsd from that [ __ ] oh yeah yeah you bet i bet you wake up and then the whole night you hear that thud you hear that thud i bet you're like knowing what it is you're like bridges are weird places to die because you know you're not supposed to be there anyway bridges are not supposed to be supposed to be a place where you stay it's like dude just getting over here like imagine if you could have a house on a [ __ ] bridge so here's the guy like let's listen to this listen yeah that guy hit like i didn't i thought he hit the side of the bridge i didn't realize he hit the [ __ ] he hit whatever was on the top of the front man [Applause] he did hit the side of the bridge oh dude oh my god oh man sound it makes yeah and there's like there's like a big crew there so they knew that [ __ ] was gonna happen you watched that dude so it looked more like
he was just trying to go over it and just miscalculated i thought he was trying to go through like a an opening i think i only saw this angle the first angle the second angle it looks like he was coming over the top but imagine just being hit 120 miles an hour on the video oh my god just your [ __ ] head hitting a beam and then everyone's severing everyone witnesses it oh my god and then you gotta you gotta be the first guy to leave you gotta be like well i gotta get out of here everyone's like dude i just died on the bridge like i'm late yeah where's david they're gonna go you have to throw away the rest of your day yeah you can't go grievance you can't yeah exactly you like you're you're upset but you're also like well you know i didn't really know him yeah we didn't know him at all we just went to the spot where he was supposed to fly over i saw it on the news i was just going to support god then he landed on the bridge it's such a horrible way to die too yeah squat being splattered yeah no thanks no probably instantaneous yeah yeah oh yeah like your brain goes through your head boom yeah everything's oh all at once which might might have to be you know i always think about that when you're like if you were to fall off a building would you want to aim your head down so it matters you don't think so you don't think if you go legs first crush everything just explodes but if it doesn't it's like yeah but nobody does that that's like one of the things they know when people are faking passing out is that they always catch themselves like sometimes people catch themselves when they do are blacking out because they're not totally out but when someone pretends to be alcohol then they catch themselves on the way down and then still pretend to be out cold like i just saw you catch yourself that's not your movement because you have to be like insane to let your face hit the ground nobody does that as a pro wrestling fan i always love it i'm like that's so gangster yeah when
they're like they just take a flop i mean rick flair that was his thing he would do a couple steps and go face down on the map yeah oh my god yeah just do but it's but nobody goes like this right face first they just they could kind of go sideways a little right i think i mean rick with their face but he would do a walk and then drop his whole face and then get back up right but like when you see someone like here's one example when jake paul knocked out tyron woodley yeah all these people were telling me that that was fake and you're like watch how he fell yeah nobody falls like that yeah those knockouts are though when they crumble in a way where you're like that's not he's not catching himself he fell face first yeah face first didn't stop himself at all the ones that always impress me are the knockouts where then the punch restarts the engine where they're like taking multiple punches and they're knocked out and then they get reawakened by like very rare yeah but seeing it you're like it's kind of a thing though okay it's a thing when a guy gets rocked and then sometimes he gets hit and the that wakes him up somehow yeah it's weird though it's not normal normally when a guy gets hit and he gets hurt the second punch hurts more more and then he gets knocked out generally it's like that yeah dude i would have just been like leave me asleep don't hit me again you [ __ ] [ __ ] i was nice and out maybe oh depends those guys all want to win they want to win so badly yeah they just keep part of what the restart is how high do you think the highest person to fall and survive fell from oof is oh man yeah you can't ask any questions uh this might be a stupid i'll just jump in there with a number go ahead a thousand feet no high i'm going 100 feet how big is a thousand feet 33 000 300 feet that's cruising altitude that's cruising altitude i only know that because they always tell us that what did he land on she flight attendant
only person to survive playing what 72 what yeah they tried to figure out how exactly and the speculation was right here here's what happened in the crash the fuselage separated from the rest of the plane and hurtled towards the ground in a heavily wooded area near the czechoslovak village of good luck with that one uh it crashed landed in a thick snow at a favorable angle which is most likely what saved vesna's life additionally vesna's physicians determined that her low blood pressure caused her to quickly pass out when the cabin depressurized which prevented her heart from bursting upon impact holy [ __ ] feston was found screaming inside the wreckage by bruno honky a local villager and former world war ii medic who was able to administer vital first aid before rescuers arrived wow although she survived she sustained extremely serious injuries and spent the following days in a coma she suffered a fractured skull two broken legs three broken vertebrae a fractured pelvis several broken ribs and temporarily paralysis below the waist amazingly vestan was able to walk again after 10 months albeit with a permanent limp due to the twisting of her spine there's multiple people that have fallen from over 20 000 feet oh my god how is that [ __ ] possible so she was in the plane oh yeah she's like the number one dude like you bring that up you see other articles she's like she's the known she's like i fell i fell from the heavens jesus my god surviving that jesus christ no one can complain to you the rest of their of your life just being like dude i had a bad headache she's like yeah i fell out of a plane oh my god 30 000 feet fall oh my god [ __ ] this guy landed in a glass ceiling in germany world war ii his parachute didn't work and it says the glass ceiling probably managed to save his life damn oh my god we fell from i think somewhere like the range of 20 000 feet the glass ceiling actually managed to save his life cushioning the fall enough so that he only had some minor injuries holy
[ __ ] hotel bro oh my god 17th floor how did he live same sort like landed on a roof plummeting through the 17th floor of the building onto an overhanging roof from there he fell to the ground somehow landing on his feet dude landing sticking it sticking the landing incredible i suffered uh serious injuries including internal bleeding and multiple broken bones but was lucky to simply stay alive that's what i mean he lost his balance and fell through a window but you know oh my god [ __ ] imagine when you're spacing out in the morning you step on your sneaker wrong yeah you go face first over the window you're not 500 feet in the air you are good morning jamie jamie lives in the sky where do you live he lives in the high a pie in a an apartment building oh man so you're worried about it look at his window he's in the clouds lightning is outside his front window that's what jay's apartment in new york is up there it's like on the 23rd floor and i'm like you're in sky palace yeah bro it's a that's the best view in the world though yeah the view in manhattan when you are in like a tall building yeah and you're in with all the buildings and you get to look out my friend's dad had a uh he was like a banking financier type character and he had this apartment in manhattan and we went to it and checked it out it was [ __ ] insane yeah it was [ __ ] insane this was like when i was in my early 20s so i'd never seen a place like this before you didn't know it existed no it was poor and we're we're in this place i was like holy [ __ ] the view was like like a science fiction movie oh looking down over the whole city he's he's looking down but he's also in it yeah so it's like there's all these lights and buildings it's all like right in front of you and at nighttime it's [ __ ] spectacular and i was like oh i get it because i was like why would anybody spend millions of dollars for a [ __ ] apartment in new york city and then i went to this guy's place i was like oh this is what rich people do this is why they do it they do it for this crazy view there's the old uh k rock when i worked overnights there there you would go into the green room
like the old howard stern green room and there's these windows that would look over i want to say on like 58th street or like 56th street and there were these buildings that had [ __ ] houses on them like suburban houses wow on the top of these buildings and you're like that's a level of rich they weren't like complete like with a yard and [ __ ] but you saw it you're like yo that's someone that's where someone lives for sure and i'll just sit out there and look at him and be like this is [ __ ] crazy sometimes i'm being on a porch and you look down and it's just city just death yeah i just fall to my death at any moment any moment you could fall to your death the mo like the house was back and i had a little bit of the roof being like this is [ __ ] great how much money do you have to be to be like put a house on the building i know you've sold out all your apartments but hear me out i want to go on the roof four bedroom three bath that i would find in a very nice part of long island yeah that's what i'm wow but this is like that's a shitty one that's a sh yeah they were like but that's a got a yard and [ __ ] that's right that is wild and the guy that works that's wild this old overnight guy chismo that worked at k rock was like dude you want to see these houses and i was like all [ __ ] up look at that one i was like yeah dude yeah that's what i mean it's crazy wow there's something about being that high it's so terrifying yeah absolutely wake up i bet you have the craziest nightmares oh we live on like the 100th floor just falling especially if you do bong hits you're like i'm [ __ ] right oh man if you fall on the floor falling from your bed you're like is this all do i go all the way down just that [ __ ] primal reaction yeah [ __ ] that stay low stay low to the ground keep moving why are you up so high get out of there don't get duct taped you know they say that it's a part of our primate past that we like to put the master bedroom upstairs because in the olden days you'd have to hide in the trees from predators yeah so when we were you know some sort of lower
primate when trying to get away from big cats that's what they did they tried to hide in the high branches same kind of thing like you're in the hot you like if someone breaks into your house you're above them yeah what's going on down there you always think about it yeah you got to come up these stairs if you want to get me that's most house you have for real yeah that's what it is it's just an old primate thing where the meat missile gets yeah dude if you got that meat mess a little open that door and give a little whistle do you know how excited someone must be if someone finally breaks into a guy's house who has a meat missile just trained and ready to go just sitting there every day just sitting there every day hoping someone would hoping something today is your day yeah go feast my like the way that pit bull was acting on that treadmill that's how they are yeah i'm biting you in the dick i wait i think that's how it would feel to know karate and someone [ __ ] with you i feel like that's the same feeling when if someone if someone [ __ ] with me and i was like all right here we go baby it's very fun when you watch a video of a guy who doesn't know how to fight and he picks a fight with someone who does and he's a total douchebag and he gets flatlined i can't even think of what the video would be called but on ebon's world when the old internet videos there was this guy i want to say british and they're in this alley and this guy's up on his porch yelling at him right and he's like [ __ ] with his recycling bin and this fat dude's got his shirt tucked into his thing and he's just like talking you can't hear what they're saying but he's rattling it and then the guy steps out into the yard and just does this like confident pose and the guy that was yelling goes and he just does like two moves and just [ __ ] knocks the guy out you're like that's cool as [ __ ] that was like i know what i'm doing all right let's move a little farther out and i'm gonna do it to you it was [ __ ] cool i wish i knew what that video was called he's got a lot of good videos he's got a fat gut and he just does like something like that he just [ __ ] this dude up i think i know what you're talking about you're talking
about the one that takes place in a parking structure and he hits him with a leg kick and then the guy that's all hands okay he just moves to the side and hits him once this one's even better oh hell yeah there's this dude this cholo and he's got a cigarette he takes a puff of his cigarette before he decides he's gonna fight this guy and then he takes his shirt off okay he takes his like his shirt off and he puts it aside and he walks towards the guy like man i'm about to [ __ ] you up and this guy backs up like a skilled fighter hits him with a leg kick lifts him up in the air he falls crashing to the ground yeah the guy gets up like oh we kicking now and he moves towards him again because he doesn't know what to do because he's fully committed to fighting this train killer yeah and then the guy jumps on him grabs him in a single leg and knocks them unconscious so check this out damn oh this is a different one oh this is oh this is where it starts this is how it starts so this guy's like chasing these guys off them they're talking [ __ ] give me give me some volume make this move brando make this who makes this fool oh that's right he fought this guy first that's right he fought two guys damn so he fights this guy first hey keep it over here dawg and it was he's [ __ ] the guy the black shirt is the truth he's the guy that's by himself and they're [ __ ] with him look at that leg kick boom yeah dude and he's he's [ __ ] that guy up also the way the other guy moves he doesn't know what he's doing yeah just keep that volume on him over here over here keep it over here you say why are you throwing kicks why you throwing a kick so he's leaving he's saying you're lucky so the guy's like you want to keep going [ __ ] it's cool you don't want the [ __ ] kick it's all right [Music] yeah so look he takes a hit of a cigarette is he want a kid oh gee dude watch this oh oh it's worse so there's the leg kick watch this and chases after him
[Applause] head on the concrete damn cross-eyed yeah knocked him out cross-eyed that's what happens you don't want that in your life dude then just me walking up with my [ __ ] car thing going like i'm the nissan i didn't see anything hey guys cool i'm cool i just need to go get some wendy's that impact it's horrible yeah you hear that [ __ ] does it say the guy's name no oh r.i.p thought it was a look that's that guy's a absolutely a trained fighter yeah but that guy like it's it's like watching swimmers they just know how to move in the water yeah where they just could [ __ ] well he was [ __ ] up that other guy first another guy looked like he knew like a little bit like he was a little shocked this guy's [ __ ] him up yeah like he probably felt like he could fight a little bit that's gotta be a moment for you you're the toughest guy in the neighborhood and then you go against a guy that knows what he's doing and you're like [ __ ] you're not supposed to be this good when i first started doing jiu jitsu it was one of the most humbling things i'd ever experienced in my life and i had won a bunch of martial arts tournaments that's crazy because i was doing jiu jitsu and i was getting [ __ ] mauled i was stunned i was like oh my god i'm so helpless then you just realize you're like [ __ ] i don't know that's how i felt when i was telling you i sucked a football you just have a guy grab you and just be like yeah hold you down and you're like yeah i'm trying to move [ __ ] let me help dude well you're a big guy but you're a normal big guy yeah just normal there's other guys that are not normal big they're giant big yeah that's a different level of big strong and aggressive yeah you know what's funny is i knew i wasn't aggressive when i was like five i knew i was a silly boy when i was five i love wrestling like i said lifelong pro wrestling fan but i did wrestle i actually wrestled five six and seven like oh really yeah but immediately knew i wasn't good at it when you see these other little killers that are just like mow you down and like i'd be like hey dude like as their like double leg take down to me i'd be like stop you're taking this serious i'd
wrestle but i knew i just saw the difference where i was like that kid only goes forward and i'm just wanting to hang out and [ __ ] you know yeah i was like dude [ __ ] this i knew it wasn't for me i was like god bless i wrestled one year my sophomore year in high school one year you got to be it is a minds wrestlers are the most impressive with their training yeah they're the most mentally tough khabib is insane like he's so fascinating to learn against but then also like dan gable and all those guys like that thought process you're like those are [ __ ] tough you have to be you can't make it as a elite wrestler without being tough no one is just talented no one yeah everyone's disciplined everyone's got that everyone and they're not doing it for the money because there's no money in it i mean the amount of money and like amateur wrestling is extremely small unless you're at jordan burroughs he actually makes a great living doing tournaments but he's the best of the best yeah he's an olympic gold medalist he's phenomenal just come to the wwe he's a world champion i mean he's like there's there's levels of levels right so at that level but the regular level of like college amateur wrestlers they're doing it for free yeah and they are insanely dedicated insanely disciplined insanely conditioned insane insanely skilled it can walk right through you walk right through you there's a great comic greg warren who's so funny i know greg yeah yeah i've known greg from back in the day he's a really good wrestler he was an all-american in missouri uh-huh so you like meet this guy and you're like yo you're so [ __ ] funny and then you're just like oh yeah you could double egg take down like you could adam hunters are really good yeah adam hunter was a great wrestler there's like when you find out that i always think it's fascinating because you're like damn dude you were really good at a very hard thing yeah that's a mind yeah you have to be a strong strong person to do that it's and it's also like a a culture of suffering yeah like every guy likes to suffer more than the other guy like every guy likes to cut more weight every guy likes to do the extra miles like there's there was guys on my wrestling team that we would all be [ __ ]
exhausted after practice waiting for our moms to pick us up and these [ __ ] would be running laps and just yelling and you know just getting fired up and [ __ ] like oh my god they wanted it but those are the guys that won the like the [ __ ] insane ones were the ones who were the winners yeah didn't like um kurt angle win a gold medal with a broken neck yes a broken neck you got to be yeah you're going to be [ __ ] that's how you got to be wired you got to be a different kind of human he was so good he beat you guys with a broken neck crazy that's how good he was like imagine if he was healthy with a good neck yeah imagine no neck problems how he would [ __ ] you up yeah that is uh man it's like wrestlers when you see even when i played football in high school and you saw what the wrestlers had to go through for training yeah you were like [ __ ] that like those stairs and the firemen carries all the [ __ ] that they would do didn't dan gable get to the olympic gold without having a point scored on him yeah true yeah he didn't have a one-point score in the olympics that's you know how [ __ ] insane that is to be an international competition against the very best of the best in the biggest tournament on earth against the overachievers and savages that that make up the mass of amateur wrestlers all over the world and no one can even score a point on you in 1972 games in particular gable won all six of his matches without giving up a point damn you don't know how hard that man is that's a hard man like you don't you don't make it's hard to make a person like that in that sam sheridan book a fighter's mind yes uh where he interviews gable it's one of my favorite interviews because gable says uh the theory of killers in the room you put killer you put people that really intimidate you around you and you're gonna get better and i always like that that clicked on for me early in comedy where i was like yeah you got people around you that 21 olympic i mean 21 olympic qualification in olympic matches he scored 12 falls and outscored his nine other opponents 130 to one during his six matches at the munich
olympics he went unscored upon that's [ __ ] insane 130 to one you have to be like if you're the one you're like guess who got that [ __ ] point on dan gable but that's how good he was yeah and but i've met him and he's an amazing guy yeah and uh he paid the price physically like his body's got you know his knees and all these operations and it's a lot he's a warrior the warrior i mean those guys would to be that mentally tough you push through pain you push through injury you push through anything it's like that it's a mindset thing and that's that's the thing that wrestlers are known for yeah one of the things about mma is um i mean it's tough guys and everything right there's tough guys in kickboxing there's tough guys in jiu jitsu but almost all the guys who came from there's coffee in this area but almost all the guys who came from wrestling are tough like there's some there's some guys in other you know disciplines that you know maybe they're not known for being tough they're just different levels of skill and different levels of you know champions and stuff but with wrestlers it's like all of them all of them are animals you obviously know much more uh about this than i would but dagestan like oh perfect those guys perfect is that just place that just builds wrestlers that are unbelievable well they're really technical they're really aggressive and they it's really popular yeah and then when you've got guys like islamic kachev you've got uh khabib nurmagomedov you've got all the other uh guys that have come out of dagestan that are high-level wrestlers you got high-level strikers uh zabeet zabi came out of there and he's a striker he's like a stand-up guy i mean he has a ground game as well but he's known for his like wild traditional martial arts techniques so it's just it's a tough part of the world man they're tough [ __ ] people and they're really disciplined and i think there's something about the fact that a lot of these guys are very religious yeah and i think there's something about that in terms of the reward of discipline and the adherence to a very strict moral ethical and
behavioral code if that's how you're living your life if you're doing that in wrestling it's it's almost like it's easy you're like i do this already in my normal life so this isn't going to be hard there's like a disproportionate amount of really elite fighters that are coming from that area and a lot of it also has to do with khabib's dad and uh unfortunately he died uh during the pandemic and now khabib has taken over yeah and he's basically the the coach for those guys now which is amazing and i love that because khabib it's like dan gable who then went on to iowa and just won all those championships as a coach and it's like you love seeing i love seeing that i love seeing a fighter his dad taught him how to coach too like he coached with his dad so he'd always coach his teammates and you know i mean he grew up with like an elite trainer as a father which is amazing yeah that's gotta be no i mean they all like worshipped his dad man that's gotta be insane just saying or to be the member of the family that it just is interesting you go guys hold on i just like to live in my head my sarlog got murdered by by a war party and they're like you're [ __ ] yeah that's gotta be that would be a hard thing for a dude like that to just accept a son that just has no ambition to conquer yeah alexander the myth he's just like i don't know i i kind of want to live off what you did he's misanthropic yeah he wants to spend his time helping others be like we dominate here but it is i mean alexander there's got to be so many of those disappointments you're just like you build this thing up like uday hussein was a disappointment to a psycho father who is what you know what i mean he beat his trainer to death is that what they said he beat his bodyguard dad's body guards his dad's body like you know if it was that sitcom he's like did you kill my bodyguard at the party why did i think it was his trainer that's how i am yeah i forgot already oh yeah imagine you have your favorite bodyguard and you're the king of iraq and your son you come home your son turned him into a puddle like what the [ __ ] kind of a demon am i
living with you think you're mad when your dog eats a pillow you're like dude you killed the guy that's supposed to protect me you know wild that is yeah you [ __ ] maybe they were connected like maybe he was trying to tell his dad like hey this your son is looking psycho yeah and he's like no he's fine yeah and then he's like did you tell my dad i was a psycho yeah did you say that oh [ __ ] i'm gonna show my dad oh my god oh my god that's probably exactly what happened defeating the soccer players to dogs is crazy that was the thing that they said that they had kept dogs and they would feed people to dogs i don't know if that's a true story but what i had read in one of the articles about him was the that they would just grab women and he would rape them and feed them to dogs i mean if a guy has a thing called a pleasure dome he's either a swinger or he's going to feed those women to dogs yeah either he sells molly yeah he's either into touchy drugs or he's going to [ __ ] feed them to an animal yeah because that's great i mean just like picking up people off the street and if you're if you're the son of a dictator not even like we see what the children of politicians do imagine of a absolute just this my father rules with an iron fist right you've seen him kill people you know what he's going to do and i'm worse than him and you're like you probably saw him kill people growing up yeah right absolutely i'm sure they executed people for treason or mistrust or a dictator doesn't just stay comfortable right there's people that come for you right always always so you gotta yeah he forced friends for friends and party guests into his monkey's cage according to time uday's demanding extended to leisure and frivolity at parties he demanded others match him in drinking and his tolerance was notoriously high dude wake up in a monkey cage he had a pet monkey named louisa and when he got drunk he'd force other inebriated party goers and friends alike into the animal's cage reportedly louisa also imbibed and would attack the guests tossed into her cage so she was she was hammered yeah get the
monkey drunk and then make it fight his friends former bodyguards also detailed a cage of monkeys who day kept at his club specifically so that the animals could witness him assaulting women what he wanted monkeys to watch him rape what hold click on that link what the [ __ ] so there's it's with the cage of monkeys link it's a link that's a different link oh it's different there's a real long story from time magazine where a bunch of that was coming from that was like really hard to read through because it was a really old article damn dude he had a place where he would assault women like he assaulted so many of them that he had a place and he had a cage full of monkeys that he would make watch that he would be like watch this monkeys okay the bodyguard said he was disgusted by oday's activities he points to a floor-to-ceiling cage in the corner of the club's kitchen where he says monkeys were kept for uday because he'd like to have the animals watch him when he was deflowering virgins it was his to make the singers who entertained uday at the boat club gulp down a liter and a half of a cocktail a combination of 90 proof alcohol often with some drugs thrown in i would line up the entertainment against the wall and the bodyguard said point to the side of the garage and i would take a stick and i would say drink drink you have 10 minutes if any of them didn't drink i hit them with a stick then if the singer still refused they were given a street beating jesus i mean their faces were untouched but they were pummeled until they could hardly stand up oh my god damn man and you're being for so he has a team of people talking about and just work just grab people for him talk about how good comedy is man i mean can you imagine walking into a funny bone and they're like drink this 10 liters you drink this leader and you're like dude i just wanted to do a new joke yeah about [ __ ] about tinder and like drink this [ __ ] booze like don't want to read that article unless you really want to like [ __ ] with your mind yeah because it's ultimate evil it's that thing it's like it you see it's in the game of thrones it's in all those tales of a king and he
has an evil son like sometimes he's even a good king but the son grows up with ultimate power and he becomes evil and they're torturous and vicious it's like it's a cliche almost to have a torturous son of a dictator i wonder if they at one point started noticing that and they're like hey if you got a kid just send him to live with an uncle give him the [ __ ] can you send him not to be we don't need a murderous psycho how to not raise a psychopath for dummies yeah if you're a king just send them to a cousin someone you know a college friend oh you're going to tell me more yeah i mean let's talk about the them feeding to people to the lions the lions pounced i saw the head of the first student literally come off his body with the first bite and then had to stand and watch the animals devour two young men by the time they were finished there was little left but for the bones and bits and pieces of unwanted flesh oh [ __ ] oh listen hold on with the beginning of the story ahmad was usain's chief executioner last week as iraq he celebrated the death of his former boss and his equally savage younger brother kusey he nervously revealed a hideous story his instructions that day in 1999 were to arrest the two 19-year-olds on the campus of baghdad's academy of fine arts and deliver them to rob on arrival at the sprawling compound he was directed to a farm where he found a large cage inside two lions waited they belonged to uday guards took the two young men from the car and opened the cage door one of the victims collapsed in terror as they were dragged screaming and shouting to meet their fate ahmad watched the students frantically looked for a way of escape there was none and this is when it says the lion's pounce i saw the head of the first student literally come off his body with the first bite then had to stand and watch the animals devour the two young men that's [ __ ] you know what's crazy if you think about it it is almost worse for the executioner because the guy's like you know what i mean he has to sit
through it all he's not dying this is what when a woman was pregnant she was beheaded he beheaded her i and the woman was beheaded knowing she was praying oh my god i don't even read this yeah this is like this goes on and on and on and on and on there's a shitload of those stories he was a serial killer yeah which is insane he was killing for pleasure and fun and [ __ ] and he had ultimate power ultimate power and he was uh he was killing for a thrill yeah and then i mean i think you are so happy when the united states military shows up you're like my god please dude one of the things said that at the dark day was when he found the internet and started looking up ways to torture people online and then started oh just trying that [ __ ] out dude you're like no don't do that he's like i found this thing called google you're like you know what's wild let's think of this what do you think would have happened if the united states didn't invade iraq the second time the second iraq war didn't break out [ __ ] what do you think that would be like now i have no idea i feel like middle east politics is so tricky with the way all the power struggle is and everything that is do you imagine if his sons were still alive i mean this comes out after someone dies and you're like would you have seen that had they stayed alive would it have been more prevalent would have gotten worse would it have because you know hussein fairly old when he was executed right he [ __ ] might have been dead by now and they would have can imagine that power struggle right imagine the sun's trying to take over from the dad oh my god they would definitely try to kill their dads yeah there's no way they're not trying to kill everybody i bet i bet that like you said like with the bodyguard i bet that was the thing yeah where his dad was like [ __ ] uday got [ __ ] billy got billy he gets everybody man he literally raised a monster yeah and they were were they arrested were they detained by the people they were killed they were killed yeah in their palaces right i don't know i don't remember because you wonder if you're like i'm
trying to remember they tried to get them if they were like we're gonna try to bring you in oh my god why would you yeah i don't study them oh jesus christ interview him be like what the [ __ ] going on if there's ever a justification to just kill someone when you find him those guys just gave about seven examples yeah but that's what that is the number one cliche of the sons of these dictators yeah isn't that wild yeah that's like where that you have to think about monarchs right you think about like kings and their their prince the sun takes over and they go on for generations after generations like how [ __ ] psycho is like generation three and four well you have to match your grandpa's energy you gotta reach up and be like i gotta [ __ ] nah man i kind of want to do my own thing yeah he's the guy that took over the kingdom yeah they just stopped for it and took it over and then to rule it you always wonder if you're one of the serfs or one of the peasants in that place and you see the new guy and you're like could be better this guy might be nice and then you see him do that [ __ ] and you're like god damn it another [ __ ] king you imagine what that must have been like i would love this moments in history that if i could have a [ __ ] time machine to have a realistic view of what it was like that would be one to see what it would be like to see like king henry viii and see all the peasants in the village below him and he's like eating a giant [ __ ] turkey leg and [ __ ] and he's all fat swollen ankles he's got killing his wives when he doesn't like him anymore yeah just munching and killing and then you you have to like see the difference between those people and then the rather regular people that are right next to him like how crazy this is they have like the you know the the the civilians yeah the regular people the peasants the people that aren't the royalty they have to stand outside the gates and watch this and know that all their money goes to this guy just for him he controls the military and he was just born into this yeah his dad was a king he's a prince and
then that's what i mean by the third generation yeah you're dealing with the third generation of everyone else being like and they're in bread by then yeah dude the goofy teeth weird blood and they're ruthless and but they're like by this yeah but that also that inbreeding really ramps that [ __ ] up you got a got an inbred guy being like i want to torture i want to torture everybody they but you think of that third generation of everyone else and entitled raised by entitled people so entitled psychopaths raised by entitled psychopaths that's what i mean though but to keep that power oh my god and you got third generation psychopath and third generation civilians that are like we're gonna [ __ ] off with his head yeah and they're like okay yeah imagine having the power to just look at someone go off with his head yeah and they just they just chop your [ __ ] head off and that that's legal yeah that's a legal execution execute him yeah the king would like him dead oh you sir have insulted the king you splashed mud they just yeah your head comes in a basket they hold it up for you good give him to the dogs it sounds like something we'd be doing now with overpopulation but then they were just doing it for [ __ ] shits and gigs well it's something just freaking chill now if people get ultimate power if someone had ultimate power like that that just seems to be a horrible thing for people just like we were talking earlier about like i'ma go wins all the time like you gotta lose yeah like it's important to lose like there's a balance humility you can't always be comfortable that's not good either you gotta there's like a there's a balance but there's a balance of power and you can't have too much power because too much power is is an intoxicant that it seems like very few can ignore or manage it it seems like most that get into that position act ruthlessly yeah they act like psychopaths looks they don't they don't fear anyone there's no any there's no balance of anything you can't get to the point where you're a king and you can never get voted out you can't get to that point because that's what those guys are and also no one's going to
disagree with you exactly because you got all the [ __ ] you're going to be so delusional you're not even going to be able to communicate with people in a normal way because they're all going to withhold information from you they're all terrified of you yeah just get it it's that's why humility did you see that move the dissident no it's about the murder of jamal khashoggi okay if you you know what that is no jamal khashoggi was a reporter for the washington times or the washington post rather i do know the saudi arabians yes and they they said that the saudi prince ordered the hit and the nine guys walking in and then it's dark yeah it's dark so like imagine this is this is happening today with all the internet and all the ability to talk about this and films being made about in countless articles being able to imagine what it was like a hundred years ago 200 years ago 500 years ago we were talking about that before the podcast where it's like bank robberies in the 80s you just could do it oh yeah and then just go to another time the [ __ ] mask on that one [ __ ] the 1800s yeah 1800s you just go right around [ __ ] i don't know i'm gonna knock off that stagecoach i bet they rob banks constantly there's no became a job yeah right bank robber is like a thing you there's other robbers don't have its own name yeah a bank robber because he was so successful horse thief yes steve there were those but but like oh she's a purse stealer yeah yeah well they do you with kuklinski in that book by philip carlo they talk about they didn't have a national database like they they didn't have they weren't sharing information the way they share information now right so klinsky could go and kill in florida come back up to new york or like shoot kids in north carolina at a tr at a truck stop and no one knew that they were all connected until he was close yeah i did that that makes sense yeah that's why i'd go to bucks county pennsylvania to drop those bodies in when he lived in new jersey because he's like i'm up in new jersey it's a different state no one [ __ ] knows wow yeah that totally makes sense yeah because you're just like there's no
they're not sharing anything i can get away with this the internet changed everything everything made criminal when you're a good criminal now when you get away with something respect they're like well a lot of them are like the bitcoin criminals now or crypto criminals they're trying to steal people's crypto coins i don't i know nothing about that so it's like so fun to think about someone just lurking around being like i'm a crypto i'm a crypto burglar you're like i don't even know yeah i don't even know what the [ __ ] it is good luck the real scary crime these days is like digital crime that's what people are worried about that's terrifying yeah you ever had a notification on your email where they're like someone used your netflix like that's my mom all right you're signing in on your apple tv netflix apparently has got a plan to crack down on that good luck yeah they said they had 100 million people illegally using their passwords i can give you four names right now netflix call me up i'll rat i'll rat on four people i know why how is it so easy to do you just tell your friends but you just log in like with multiple devices all over the place yeah i'm telling you i've gotten that email left my mom i guess like a desire to make it more convenient for you that you could watch it on your phone you could watch your television i have it on my laptop i have hbo like i have my hbo max open on my laptop i have it on my playstation right so it's like i can watch it right so one you could one could be a different thing you could we're just a completely different person right completely different person or it could be you're watching two different shows how do you you know what i mean maybe i'll have two different tv's there's gonna be a comment some netflix monitor that's like all right i have severe adhd i like to watch things on two different screens okay show me all the devices i watch a laptop while i'm watching a regular screen i do that all the time dude yeah i used to play video game i'd put your podcast on and play video games oh
that's different though like but it's like with the video but podcast is perfect because it's just a conversation like you tune in tune out i do that with last podcast on the left i love i just put it on and i play video games and then i'll be like oh what did uh jack the ripper do come back in that's how i found that dahmer party book cause i was like damn sounds hold on rewind that podcast this [ __ ] sounds intense i wish i could remember all the cool things that i figured out or rather was uh was told on this podcast oh my god i wish i could remember because there's so many [ __ ] people have told me cool [ __ ] have you ever thought of things that we googled and figured out jay and i did this thing on the bonfire because we have topics that we'd start and then go somewhere else right this guy was like i want to go through and find all the topics that you never finished it's like that's seven years of that and the guy gave up i was like guy was in it for a little bit and he's like and i respect the [ __ ] out of the effort but you don't you if someone did that for you and found all the stuff you were told from you know what i mean right yeah oh and they put it in the great book of knowledge things you've said multiple times yeah you've told this story four times you always know that at least it's it clogs it like it [ __ ] it up for liars because like if you lie and you forget your lie you know yeah or making up stories and then you're coming back and being like well actually what happened is like we got proof that this is different yeah you told a different story you told a completely different story it's uh the memory the human memory is definitely limited yeah i can tell you for a fact at least mine is it's it's i only have room for so much i have terrible short-term memory you smoke a lot of marijuana i know um but i have great long-term memory i can remember mo some stuff most stuff things that i care about i can remember like i'm very good with like mma stats and statistics and yeah i could recall past fights and stuff like that i know wrestling matches exactly the same thing boxing matches i can talk about boxing matches from the 80s when i was young i'm a very
but even then sometimes i get it wrong yeah i mean stand up i i always loved that because you know growing up such a big fan i was also the first generation to grow up with comedy central when they played stand up non-stop how did they [ __ ] it up i don't know dude what did they do because they had it what did they have they have south park now south park do they have other good shows oh the daily show still but that's all what else do they have i don't really know i don't really know but nowhere on top of the [ __ ] world you would go to comedy central if you wanted to laugh but also it was so consistently when i was growing up it was so consistent you put on a 2 p.m and watch a premium blend well when they went bad on ari that was a bad sign not just to the fact that they were willing to do that but like that's the direction that's how they think about yeah it was talking to ari about that because uh i had a story and jay had a story and we both reached out to ari we're like dude we'll cancel and he was like please don't he's like i need that crew to work and yeah he he was actually gonna pay them all like for all their wages if they didn't have to work yeah he was trying to figure out how he could do it maybe he was going to take out a loan but he was also very hands-on with who got the show and roy with junior rules yeah roy wood junior is awesome he's a perfect guy to have that yeah and he's the perfect sensibility he's a funny guy he's a great host he's he's great everything all the above but the way they did it was just so crazy like so you can't do a netflix special if you do a netflix special and you don't do a comedy central special for less money and less exposure we're going to cancel your comedy central show yeah like what yeah what the [ __ ] are you talking about you start being like well if you were smart you'd be like go do the netflix but the thing but the thing is like are you contractually obligated to do a special at comedy central if not then this should be a no-brainer do you have an exclusive where you could only be on comedy central and it didn't seem like there was but it was like
watching him get fired from a show that he created i was there when he created it man i was there in the early days we did it at the lab at the improv yeah it was just called this like i think he called it unnamed storyteller no what is it in the beginning he would have like different names for like what are the subjects i think he's bringing in psychodelica yeah i think he's bringing back the other name storyteller because we did it at the ryman as part of no no he calls it the unnamed storyteller show that's not what he called it back then back then he would have like names for each individual subject well that's kind of how he did the episodes when it became a show where he would be like sex would be an episode psychedelics right no that is that is how he did it but what i'm saying is that he would name it that it didn't have a name it wasn't like unknown it became this is not happening yeah on comedy central but before then it was just like whatever the subject was i think yeah i think it would just be our fear presents psychedelica and people would go knowing that it was a storyteller show he'd explain it at the beginning he would tell a story and then he would bring people up and they would tell stories but he had this idea that it would be a great way to work on bits because people would accept the fact that it is a story so you don't feel as constrained to the setup punchline set up punchline and allow you to maybe explore ideas that you you didn't really know how to breach just on stage during a regular act with your tight material yeah he's perfect he was also very encouraging about it where he would be when when i did the show i actually at moon tower comedy festival i did his show and i did this story about being in college and living with a weed dealer and getting robbed and i got off stage he's like listen we're going to film in june have it ready by then and so then i would just be on the road and work this story out in the middle of the act and it was so fun it was so fun learning how to it really taught me how to like write differently yeah it's an exercise in writing and it's ari's idea it was 100 created by ari i watched it happen and it was a unique way to tell stories like he he he decided to put together
theme-based shows and have people go up and [ __ ] around with stories like you would call me up do you have any stories about drugs you know [ __ ] he would put on a drug show and you know some of them didn't work and some of them i pursued and one of them i i wound up doing on the show on youtube it was fun yeah it was um but the thing is like it didn't make any sense that they they did that and when they when they did kick him off at a show that i watched him create a show that was like uniquely suited to his personality too like he like he had a passion for that yeah it's like okay this is they're going downhill this is not good yeah i also think the streaming services kind of blew everyone up because they had such a way that's every cable had such a grab on it yep from the 90s they were like where you guys gonna go they had that attitude at the end like where the [ __ ] are you gonna go and streaming was like right here everyone's going to go streaming and now i can't imagine appointment television now is fun when you're in the appointment is a great way to put it appointment television yeah when you're like sunday night i'm going to sit down and watch this show and i'm going to keep caught up you know with the show because now most of the time you're like did you watch the season of now binging's normal dvrs changed everything too yeah dvr's changed it first and then streaming and binging changed it i'm binging yellowstone right now i've i know a lot of people love that it's [ __ ] good man i know i was a little skeptical yeah i'm watching that winning time but see here's the thing about the lakers show on hbo uh they're doing episodes weekly and i binged and i think i'm about to hit oh no and i'm like no i told jay i'm like no no no no no i need more yeah i didn't got that with succession yeah succession is [ __ ] awesome when i got to the end i was like no more more yeah yeah you just wait for it to wait yeah yeah ozark that's another one you gotta i gotta get into that that's the one i'm in next to that's that's my next damn it's good and i think the next ones that come out are the last ones i think they come out like next week right is that when ozark comes out and that's it that's almost like the
end of the show you know it's gonna be [ __ ] insane that that's almost like a binge challenge like can you get there next week and you're like you want to you want to it's that good it's one of the best shows of all time i love jason bateman too yeah it's [ __ ] amazing i got to wrap this up brother um tell everybody where you're going to be how they can find you yeah winnipeg uh rumors dancesodor.com i'm gonna be in philly at helium gonna be uh in tampa bay at side splitters i'm just on the road dancer.com listen to the bonfire twitter siriusxm satellite radio me and big jay's show that's right um my friend bruce listens to that yeah we love uh you know love doing the sh it's on um fashion talk 103. beautiful listen there's the the schedule helium yeah kangaroo helium and philly one of the greatest clubs of all time gotta love philly all right thank you brother there's a lot of fun we gotta do this more often oh yeah 100 yeah very fun do some shows together too yeah all right all right bye everybody [Music] you