Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOOhFVEQhZY
[Music] you gonna try to do the hat and the earphones how you gonna work this cause it's bad now see it's christmas i can't go get a haircut like all of this i got the uh the shadow the all you need is a mirror when you're doing your hair i cut my hair you do so you go somewhere and get it i go yeah it's just i don't know i guess it's just uh walking in hey what's up tom how are you batman your next show at social media yeah it's that it's a social thing yeah yeah i'm anti-social in that way i just rather shape my own hair so you really know joe rogan and what like you know you do all of that well that that is the good thing about barber shops the male beauty salon dudes get to hang out bee dudes yeah just when did you start shaving your head um it was a slow progression because it because i would say yo just even it out with whiz uh where it's fading away in the in the little sunroof back there right and kept and then after a while my man said yo it's over so man you just rock a ball in make it be like damon williams yeah i don't want to be like damn win but you want to be like tony woods yeah cut it all off like i guess well it's just part of being old my friend we have to embrace how old do you know 58. i'm 54. jimmy yeah it happens creeps up on you and i remember the last show that we did what where was it it was in the bronx it was at a college right and whenever somebody's ripping i just i cause i i don't want to watch and to get in my head you know right and some some communities think oh you didn't see my set i got i don't want to watch you said dawg and you up there you like you were doing something about girls who sound like a cockatoo oh i was you know it was girls with crazy big hair and he was like and they were screaming i'm like i gotta go outside i don't know what he talking about that
guy [Laughter] the bronx huh a college in the bronx yeah it was man i don't even remember that if somebody asked me did you ever do a college in the bronx i'd be like nah yeah it was it was right on the one and the nine yeah yeah yeah it's me you um i can't remember but i just remember you you like going back and forth like and they were screaming like okay i don't know what that joke is gotta get out of here i gotta get out of here i gotta get out of there if someone's bombing too i can't watch that yeah yeah that is yeah that [ __ ] with my hat because i i think nothing's funny [Music] but i guess cause i didn't got been in the game i can i can bomb gracefully you know what i'm saying yeah like my engines go out right he can glide in and that'll mess up the next guy because the next guy come and go what'd you do to the room man i peed on the floor there's some bombings though where it's the crowd like the crowd is just whatever it is there's no energy in the room but there's some bombings it's the comedian yeah and when it's like the comedian i gotta get out of there if it's the crowd i'm like i wanna go up there and wake him up yeah but if it's the comedian there's something in my head that's like nothing is funny like i can't i can't watch someone that's terrible because some guys they um like a you know like i call like a technician like this is the formula this is how you do it right right and like dude obviously that's not working tonight right yeah do a little crowd work do this do that right yeah something mix it up man because they're not they're not no yeah and so well don't you think that's the beauty of doing a bunch of different places yeah like doing the road a little bit in pennsylvania you do a gig in florida you do a little this do a little that and the more you do that i love that like like when back in the day we're in new york i used to go i say i'm going to the caribbean so go out to
brooklyn you know do the mostly caribbean crowds and then you do the downtown like uh remember the place we used to do i think ludlow or something it was like alternative comedy where was that it was it was uh it was someplace we uh uh like like todd berry's just ripping there you know like they wanted it real subtle and real soft yeah real soft and i would go and i go whoa whoa whoa easy with the laughs it's alternative comedy isn't that funny this place they would they got mad if you tried hard if you just smashed it they didn't like it stop with the cockatoo baby cut it out that's a thing that's the thing like they wanted you to slow down it's almost like they didn't want to race they wanted a fast walk which is fast walking tony don't be jogging and when we did that thing in the bronx it was like mainly like latino puerto rican crowd and they want it loud and right right right he was kicking it he was kicking it he was he was parading back and forth that's when you look like tony danza from taxes you was killing it back in the day but i have a full head of hair and everything yeah say look at him tony danza there's a reference that's funny the one from taxi from uh who's the boss when i first saw you that's who you reminded me of that's funny yeah so and uh but now dawg you you you're like the young uh what's his name what's the dude's name he's the old biggest best guy at it larry king oh yeah he's dead he's not just old larry king's dead i think covey got him i don't know is that what happened to him did carly get him well he was life was getting them i mean last time i saw larry he was like a skeleton he was like hunched over his posture was terrible it was like he was he you know wasn't in the best of health very nice guy and and i'ma tell you that man for years like randomly people go yo they
were talking about you in the joe rogan show and i'm like what's that i'm just kind of not in the loop right so i started my own podcast it's called the lonely ass bike club i just ride my bike i put my phone on there i go on facetime and i mean facebook live and i just talk while you're riding your bike why around my bike i just talk about stuff that's cool you see my face and whatever's on my mind i like that and and i've been doing that for about two or three years but i also have a podcast we had a group and it was called first episode again with tony woods so it's like if things ain't going right don't worry it's first episode we got this right right and i had had a woman maya had a guy who's a lawyer another guy who's like his name is chevis so he's like as if we were on a bus he's got in the back and like you talking about something interesting and then he'll scream out oh that's cause a global woman [ __ ] i gotta go you know he may be right it just has a yeah so it's him and uh and we were doing we was it was going good no i think the the main guy got tired you just got tired of doing it yeah because it became a job like oh remember we got to meet at this time like ah yeah but that's the thing that [ __ ] comics up more than anything is the consistency yeah consistency of you know doing shows and just showing up no one ever complains at the lonely ass bike club chronicles podcast because it's just you it's just me nobody ever said you late again nobody ever says that nobody ever says slow down you're riding too fast well that does when you have a group of people like a couple people together and they start doing a podcast there's always one person who wants to do it more than the other person one person who has a vision the other person's like man i don't want to do it today i think it was maya big shout out to maya she had a big uh not admired a girl you know but maya who was on right because she would she would have notes and and then she would say did you watch it
did you watch it uh the one we did uh yesterday i'm like oh she wants to review them yeah i'm like i don't watch my own comedy yeah like i don't watch my own podcasts i don't i can't watch my st i can't i like i'm like when i hear my own voice i'm like oh what is he drunk or something this guy's on drugs [Laughter] that's one thing that comedians have in common is that we all hate our own voice yeah we all hate watching ourselves and then people see me sometimes in the grocery store and i think they think they're making me feel good they go oh man you really talk like that like you drunk [Laughter] yeah we all listen to ourselves though and like when you listen to your own specialty just like because you know all this [ __ ] you know what you're going to say so you heard it already so it's not surprising so it's just boring you're like oh this is you really hate when you leave something out yeah you're like i was supposed to say this but everybody said oh it's good no [ __ ] that i was supposed to say that right the worst is when you record something and then you keep doing the bit because the the special hasn't come out yet and then you make up new taglines you're like ah i want to go back and redo the bit yeah yeah you got something coming out soon right i think yeah don't you i don't have a special coming out when is it i don't know yet you don't know we're still looking for a venue so because i i i don't want to do it like in a blah blah a big big grandiose place i like doing it yeah and i just did a comedy club in wilmington north carolina it's called the dead crow right which yeah you don't even think that's a comedy cover it's i just they redid it you have been there before no but i mean like the laughing skull is a great place and that's got a [ __ ] name too and i like the one in denver comedy works yeah the one with the with
the oxygen pumped in really there's oxygen feeling like feel like a casino when i'm in there which place is that is that common one downtown yeah that has oxygen bumped into it have you ever had a bad set there it's a good place i think it's just everybody's having a ball that's true but they're all accustomed to that air i don't know dog you think you can see that i don't know because i feel like double down let's keep it moving man because you know when you're in the casino how long you been there about about 20 minutes what it's 4 m whoo my bad i like that because the ox you just it just feels i don't know if that's true do you think they really do pump oxygen in the casinos okay don't like say that i said it somebody heard somebody say yeah i've heard it i've ever done this let's find out do they pump oxygen into casinos oh into casinos yeah for sure yes yeah it doesn't seek out because ain't no windows well i know they have air filtration because everybody's smoking but you don't see smoke everywhere so there must be some movement of the air well what about comedy works uh i don't think they're pumping oxygen in there i just think it's a great room i'm sure you've heard the myth that oxygen is pumped into casinos to give people more energy and keep them awake this is in fact the enduring las vegas myth of all time there's no doubt that the casinos keep the air chilly to give that same effect but there's no mechanism actually pumping extra oxygen into the system well now we know when i got the jackpot when i did the cellar in vegas the last time and i hit the jackpot by accident i won five g's and guess what the woman who just popped up who thought i was such an interesting person was not a hooker really hmm interesting yeah she just happened to pop over i just saw you sitting here and i just thought you were such an interesting person ah you smell that oxygen baby i don't know that's tony woods and that's how he really talks yeah
and and and the real the real thing is i had a speech impediment as a child and they just said you know because they get excited yeah nothing was coming out she just said just think about it and sing it out um yeah so i said joe you get older and stuff and my uh my middle son he had that too he he he hated because everybody everybody loved the way he talked and said can i go to mcdonald's you know but he just stand out but by then we pass mcdonald's so it wasn't a stutter it was just like a pause a pause it's just your brain is working faster than your mouth isn't it funny that that actually helps in comedy yes that pause like that sort of embodied your style yeah it's as a matter of fact i heard i heard a comedian complain about it one time he complained about your style he said look at him he's killing and he only went that's hilarious if someone would complain that you're doing so great yeah with with a slow style slow in style yeah so good you influenced a lot of guys man you really did you influenced a lot of guys i remember watching you and there's certain dude like i remember always being awkward i always felt awkward on stage like i had to like get the jokes out quick like i don't want to bomb get the jokes out quick you pace the stage yeah and then i remember watching you i'm like god he's so calm and casual up there you remember that one time i woke you up yeah nobody should sleep in the back of the boss and calmly okay yeah and somebody go hey tell tony's next right and you was like hey man you next i'm like dude you were sleeping when they call my name i'll wake up man they come pray before you go on stage that's hilarious that little corner back there the balls are kind of like yup i just i was always tired i man i have ps2 something's going on what's ps2 it's what you get when you go to the military
what is it like it's not playstation it's more serious than that because when you guys met me i was just getting back from the dessert so and i don't know i'm just always tired i don't i i thought i had narcolepsy but i would you know if if i was driving and the music wasn't on or the window went down i hit gravel so were you in in desert storm yeah the first one so there are a lot of people in that war they had that um gulf war syndrome yeah and they all go no i ain't gone i i i don't know what i got i just yeah but you came back and you were more tired like more but i used to be like super energetic like if you watched my old i just but i slept more too and stuff i don't know i don't know but you you remember uh what's his name uh jeff jeff ross no no he passed away hey tony how you doing hey man hey good to see you again tony oh i know fake hitler vic vick henley it's me vic henley and an and a little guy i forgot his name chris something but he was he was he was a little guy and we were doing birmingham alabama and i was a feature and the lady says tony you got an emergency phone call in the office and i'm like like you know i'm thinking is it my mom is it my ex-wife you know something she says it's a man i'm like i just figured it's one of my buddies who want to come to the show for free or something like that i did my spot you know you do 20 minutes in the in the middle i think maybe 30 40. i didn't see the light and then i come off vic does our boom we're about to go out and get something to eat and she says tony they're still holding for you what i wouldn't have picked up the phone i'm like hello he goes petty officer woods i'm like
let me go get him like that and he goes i know that you would so that's he had to contact me so once he contacted me had to go so had that yeah i was supposed to go from there to key west so that phone call to hold was just to get you to go overseas yeah that that's that's that's called being activated oh so they had to just wait yes just a phone call to activate you so if you just don't answer the phone you never get activated yeah [ __ ] yeah i know no no i mean they would have got me eventually but it would have been nice to get me after key west right yeah because we're doing uh ocala florida then fort myers and then key west i've never been to key west but i hear it's amazing it is it's nice but it's like no beach really i mean it's it's they got like if you stay at a hotel or something they might have their own little private beach back in the day when i was stationed down there it was you know beaches everywhere but the place wasn't as full as it is now it kind of smells kind of newark-ish yeah because too many people oh like with the sewage and stuff like that so we're just going to the ocean yeah along on one side of the island's like how weird is that that we just dump our sewage right into the ocean but the other little islands the best thing is is the drive like you leave from miami or fort lauderdale or something like that get a car and just cruise down and just stop at little seafood shacks and stuff and have what will cause 200 at a regular restaurant you you hitting there you're sitting there and just and this is a it's a three-hour drive two-lane highway and you can stop go fishing go swimming do whatever it's just it's dope i've never been i keep hearing great things about it and i you hear the people down there they it's basically not america it's like they're island living yeah it's yeah it's uh relaxed bahama village yeah and they have a caribbean accent and everything i just just it's just it's it's like driving to the caribbean no lie you have a good time you go down
there but whereas key west would be bang new york city but all the little sleepy ones on the way along the way i don't you know so is key west crowded now it's yeah it's kind of crowded i was down there in the summer i was because everybody knows about it it's as a matter of fact [ __ ] jimmy the last time i was down there i i saw a place and it had temporary tattoo right i'm like oh that'd be nice get a temporary tattoo right and then i see this little girl she's getting like a unicorn or something on her face and and boom who do i see iron mike tyson no oh he's wanna i'm like yo give me the mike tyson one oh okay right boom and she said do you want temporary or henna i'm like of course temporary i didn't know the temporary is temporary it's tattoo ink whereas the henna will go away in like two days i had that [ __ ] on for a week and a half oh i went to my class reunion with it i'm sure to you [Laughter] but it was cool it was like it was a it was a conversation piece and and and just like him i i got used to it and then it was like yeah and then it faded away on me son but i went to my class union it's my high school class union was uh back in october a buddy of mine called me he said you're coming to the reunion this year i'm like if i'm in town i'll come he says but you know you're gonna come to the 40th one i'm like yeah when it come up he goes this is the 40th no i'm like we just did the 21 right and i did i just i graduated in 81. isn't that crazy when you do the math yeah man what happened tony when you see mike tyson in person you don't even notice that tattoo that's what's weird i know man you don't you have to like think about it i i saw his uh his that's he's the first one i watched man and and it was so good and um like you know how people assume that he's not but i'm like that dude the way he fights he's he's he's gotta he's gotta be smart and then when he did comedy his comedy special was better than like a lot of comedians oh you mean that that one hour
thing that he did we talked about his life yeah like a live show yeah no he's he's very smart yeah mike's very smart he's just you know he's a professional boxer and he's had a crazy ass life but you have to be intelligent to be able to perform under pressure the way he did yeah you have to be able to manage that people think that you know that that's not hard to do that's insanely hard to do he's and he's managing movement and speed and technique and he's doing it all against the best boxers in the world and and everybody was way bigger than him way bigger i mean mike is only like an inch taller than me yeah he's not that tall maybe two inches taller than me he might be like 510 and he's as wide as a [ __ ] building but when he was in his prime the beautiful thing about that was that he would bob and weave and duck under [ __ ] like people would be throwing punches and he was nowhere near them he was so good i like when he said uh that was good comedy timing when you said yo man i saw this amazing video you did this you did you did that he said yeah man i was [ __ ] up for a week after that that's true yeah i was like that's me because people say man i saw you on facebook riding your bike he said you really did like a hundred miles like yeah wow that's [ __ ] up for the next week i had sciatica and all this other well you were talking to me about how you had your bike fitted to you i didn't know that you get bikes fitted yeah well i've been i used to be a bike messenger all that stuff i always got like crossbars and stuff like that and i just never thought about it and because when your bike messes you stop and go and stop and go on all day long but i was riding i bought this bike in dubai when i was over in dubai and uh the bikes are way cheaper because america marked them up 300 so i got this really nice road bike and you have to ship it over here yeah i shipped it over but you know i was you know it came like golf clubs or something you have to pay for you know mm-hmm so so i'm riding and this other guy who's obviously a a bicyclist he goes cause
i'm doing like this he goes hey man that's a nice bike you need to get it fitted like what i'm like this is my height i know what my his is now you need to get it fitted and then he was like showing me he's like you go get it i'm like how much does that cost she said ah between two and four depends on where you go i'm like two and four hundred for somebody to tell me to adjust but like she was saying out there it's really intense you're up on the machine and they're doing this and everything the pedal stroke like like if your if your things on your pedals are not long enough they'll either lengthen them or shorten them and then you're just so it's like a nice suit to where it's now because you see them guys like them guys who ride in the park and go on your left like yeah [ __ ] you you could've went around me yeah you just had to announce it he's right there on your [Music] left like that so it does professionals yeah dudes are really into it yeah but because it made a big difference though when they fitted it for you no uh but i was already already hurting them the guy who did the fit he says bicycling is not supposed to hurt you should go to the doctor and i was like i want to go i'm scared i didn't say that so we getting sciatica yeah so come to find out from the accident remember angelo lazada rest in peace yeah angelo lozada eric nieves we we did a show in jersey one night like 2001 something like that and you know i'm in the back seat and we're driving and they're they're speaking spanish in the front they're not arguing but it's getting faster and faster and faster [Laughter] and these girls are supposed to be following us we run like two or three red lights i'm like yo we all been drinking we're in jersey come on you know watch yourself next thing i know i'm like because i'm hitting the ceiling because we're on the sidewalk baby hey eric neves
uh um yeah that's because i've been [ __ ] him for 20 years but every because this sciatica thing this this whiplash thing is like cicadas you know and you've been injured before and like sometimes it just comes back nice and smooth man you could get flipped off a chair or something like that boom nothing and then one day you reach for a pen i said go back cicadas are back [ __ ] you know people eat cicadas i know a lot of people eat them they have recipes for them online i went down a rabbit hole on youtube and i started looking at like people cooking cicadas they cook them in the oven they had all these like teriyaki mixes it would like brine them and cover them in salt and bake them i don't know man they seem to be delicious i've eaten uh grasshoppers the chocolate-covered ants i thought that but the we did okinawa one time and we did uh with me and shang forbes and reggie mcfadden and i forgot who else both dad's street food on the this you know and you know in your mouth you just feel a shape right [Music] and i spit it out and it was like the the side of a mouse like long ways it was just it was a you know what do you like if he's like this right just his like he had been cut down in the middle so you're eating mice and and i said something ladies she's like what you you asked for the [ __ ] mix right that's the mix [ __ ] that's the best chicken beef mouse and oh dog was in there too yeah every but he would yeah i'm opposed to that i'll eat a cat but i only need a dog that wait you know how you go over there and you sit at the little things indians now and you eat the street food and they just give you a whole bunch of samples
and stuff that was that was the thing that was that was another time i was eating i'm not going this is a good one this one right here and then she said something to the to the what's it called liaison like that hey ego do you have a pet oh right i said okay i'm not gonna eat no more that i don't want i don't even wanna [ __ ] know i just don't wanna know i don't want but i didn't get sick that time because that [ __ ] was delicious i was just feeling a [ __ ] mouse in my mouth yeah yeah that's rough i keep telling people how funny reggie mcfadden was he still is i saw him going on forever i saw him watch the discovery channel what's he doing selling jewels i guess he was on the discovery channel selling jewels yep but it was a stand-up in the 90s it was some people and they're looking to buy some kind of jewels not diamonds but whatever they're selling and wherever this part of africa he is right oh yeah like in the ground right and the guy's got the camera he's got the camera right here the guy who's he said i can take you and the guy says you speak english he said i speak english very well probably better than you and we all know reggie has perfect diction yeah yeah and and i'm like that was a reggie it was right then they show him like i'm like yo and then ready to go is that a camera like that and they just kind of i'm like yo so was reggie mcfadden selling jewels in africa he's in that's where he's at yeah he's in i don't know if it's tanzania or something but i saw him hit him on facebook right now he hit your back is he doing stand-up i don't know i guess you know but isn't that shocking you remember how good he was in the 90s that [ __ ] was a monster oh my god we did [Applause] because he said that people go um i didn't use a condom because she looked like she was cool she looked that was his jokes right she looks like she looks like he said the girl said
[Music] he had to see it live right yeah and i like this other what's the other one where he would drop the girl off in a rough neighborhood right here he go he going all right baby you be cool all right hey hey hey y'all leave her [Music] hey come back stop it leave her she's not remember the bit he did about the pretty girl always has an ugly friend to try to break into the house yeah and stop you from making out with her what are you doing but he would do the whole thing when he comes crashing through the window he would leap through this thing he was so physical yes and and you reggie's big dude they do man funny as [ __ ] i saw him at the champagne comedy club in mount vernon in mount vernon new york and uh it was a club that i couldn't work out because he had to be squeaky clean so i was with my friend john tobin john tobin open for reggie and i remember watching reggie and thinking like this [ __ ] is going to be the biggest star in the world he was kim murdered i mean thunderous thunderous laughter they remember he was on a dr pepper commercial i don't remember that that was that was way back that was like for a comedian to get something like that he said you know i'm a pepper you're a pepper wouldn't you like he don't think he had a didn't have a party but everybody's like yo look where'd you be friend him and warren and everybody yeah it was a a great time that time in the 90s in new york such an interesting time because so many good comics were there you know that's why i first saw chappelle he was 19. wow first saw him at uh catch rising star see that that's when i was i was gone i was uh doing my duty whatever and like uh warren hutchison and um and dave they all came up to new york everybody came up as a matter of fact there's someone just did a documentary they did they did a documentary it's just it's a sizzle i'll let you see it
and um send it to jamie okay and this air dropper and they got the yeah they got the uh they got the love scene with me and wanda what is it yeah yeah you gotta see it now it's just a whole bunch of little clips of uh of the of all the comedians back in the day um from dc here it is wanda came from dc too yeah okay how do i send this to you you got airdrop yeah send it do you see jamie vernon do you see that yeah it'll say like macbook pro or something like that there's an iphone yeah yeah um that might be me and it's all it's it's dave it's tommy davidson it's uh the fat doctor you know louis uh lewis black yeah uh what's her name what's the girl's name louis black came from dc yeah pat and oswald uh patton came from dc too as a matter of fact the last the last show i did before i went to the gulf war was me pat and oswald and a guy named roger mercy hmm yeah i i used to call him patton boggs because did every sorry good you just call him that why because i was a bike messenger and there's a big law firm called pat and boggs so i always called him patton boggs exactly just nobody knew but him and me there it is rise of stand-up comedy watch dc now where where was everybody out of were they out of the improv no back then it was uh the comedy cafe which had the archie ball strip club on the bottom floor give me some volume when i was a comedian starting out in washington d.c this brother you know started out in the dc area coming to the stage from my hometown the nation's capital dc is the mecca for stand-up comics if you're good you're good in this town oprah winfrey started that weight loss mess you know what she kept on saying she didn't lose weight old man was gonna leave her oh yes 80 million dollars he ain't going no damn right
if dc being the mecca of comedy is a phrase coined by the great andy evans then it must be so [Music] the volumes of solid acts that we've turned out over the years black women won't get mad at you for three months because your store there's just a central information stream here in dc that's not like a city black folks in d.c is just straight up funny oh my god look how adorable so many people who are big names now are from out of this area we had to have that inner human man for the dawn drones of other things that were being shot at us because that helped you with girls too you know caucasians ran comedy you had to be better to excel i said a brother with 400 million can't keep a [ __ ] a brother with a hundred dollars ain't got us dave chappelle martin wanda sykes we were all really young we got in garvin's we got in the comedy cafe and we performed dc being the mecca of comedy is self-explanatory i was just in the men's bathroom i don't know which one of you gentlemen used it i'm no doctor but you got around three months left all the biggest stars i'm married to a white french woman and i have two white kids [ __ ] up my legacy what's the deal pickles is everything kosher all around funny cats man right and like you always know who gonna die first the virgo that's the good thing about us maybe because we live a white collar blue collar life simultaneously we come up knowing the principles of comedy like what really makes you funny not just one joke you're here for a comedy show you could you could walk up on on a show that might have a couple people you heard of you took all the comedians out of dc they'll be a dent in the industry all these great talents in dc you know what's in the water here what what happens that that you can create a tommy davidson dave chappelle uh chris paul huggy lowdown you [ __ ] around don't have fun today be in the morning wake up in front of god they'd be like should've had fun last night [ __ ] how new york is the mecca of basketball you know we feel like we're the mecca of comedy a ton of
like live albums will be recorded here if you were dark skinned people just start joining on you and i use my whip as a defense mechanism to push them back dc comedy is amazing because it comes on so many different levels we just breathe funny people and i don't know if it's that it's so many of us dead d.c always had to me the roughest crowds either they going to love you or you won't you got to go dc area has the most educated concentration of african americans in the country the dc comics tend to be smart comedians that was one of the things i always aspired to be i can name 10 10 famous comedians legendary comedians from this area but they all got different styles we have a great city in washington we never get credit we get blamed for all the politicians but we never get credit for the great talent that comes out of here if there's a battle we're in the finals the same way people say new orleans is the home of jazz i say dc is the home for stand-up comics so is this out the mecca of comedy the rise of stand-up comedy watching that's just the sizzle right but is it uh is it completed is the film out now i don't know i did my interview how long ago was that i don't know man oh man don't know it was it was in the summer i did it yeah so i mean the sizzles is dope i like that well it's it's undeniable that dc's produced a lot of [ __ ] talent some amazing talent has come out of that one area how many clubs are in the in the dc area now is uh the draft house they have the arlington draft house the dc draft house they have the dc improv they have the comedy loft which is it looks like the cellar and it's got like two levels so that's cool um and then there's comedy knights everywhere and then up in baltimore have magoobies and you have uh the comedy factory and then and all in between their comedy nights all over the place so this is like a whole scene yeah
it always was it just kind of kind of fizzled a little bit and i think it's just resurging with netflix and stuff like that people go i want to see that joke alive you know and and and i think the internet guys got the audience re-interested in us because the internet guys everybody loved to go see them and then they say wow that's all you got because they don't realize when they see a little funny skit that lasts 15 seconds then they go pay their money go see this guy and that's all he got right 15 seconds so people go well i want to see some comedy comedy so bang so i think they got re-interested they're doing a lot of that now at some of these improvs where they have like a a tick tock star will come come on because they can get a bunch of people to come see him but they don't have an act yeah but they'll fill out the place they'll sell out multiple nights in a row because my son says about some uh comedian like that goes i laugh about him man man my co-workers laugh about him all day at work dad do you know him and i don't know this guy and then i see what he's talking about and it is funniest i don't know what it's [ __ ] seven seconds long right and they just keep passing around look and and then i'm like and yeah and you're gonna pay fifty dollars go see that guy i'm like what are other videos you got you got some other stuff you guessed my stuff then i'm like you know all together just about two minutes of funny there was comedians that what the girl's name is angela johnson was the girl that did that um nail salon bit right it was angela johnson the vietnam vietnamese nail salon bit when she was uh a middle act she was so popular that people would come to see her and leave before the headliner wow so they were coming to see her but she you know only was doing comedy a short period of time but her this bit that she had where she was imitating a vietnamese nail salon lady was so good that people would come to see her wow you got a version of it it just has 32
million views on youtube watch this it's [ __ ] great it's a really good bit but the point is like when she was just a middle act she was doing this this is her johnson it's actually amazing johnson it's very latina right aye no it's not at all actually could you imagine introducing me to speak at the mexican american heritage festival is hi um excuse me it's john sonmez what are the vietnam things i'm gonna watch the whole thing you take him with you huh no yeah see she ready as soon as i walk in they greet me right away hi honey what you need today oh um can i get my nails done okay honey do you lie pedicure too no no just my nails honey why you don't lie [Applause] pedicure it may look nice it's so sexy it's better for you oh oh all right sure then i'll get a pedicure too thanks okay honey sit down i'm gonna sick my ling she do for you good job only 29 but that's okay sit down oh okay thanks so my ling starts doing my nails right away um by the way her american name is tammy tammy you have boyfriend um no no i don't have a boyfriend honey why you don't have you look so pretty like model [Music] chill leader something big short nails please thanks oh honey that's why you don't have boyfriends [Laughter] i do for you long better all right fine i'll have long nails thanks it's okay honey only four dollar more that's okay [Music] we get it oh yeah but it's a it's a great bit but the point it gets better but the point is like that bit was it was like a
closer bit and she got famous off of youtube from that bid and she was a middle act but she was selling out the venues they were coming to see her they would come and see her and the headliner would go up hey how's everybody doing what about tonight tucker man when he did his first death jam man he he i think he i think he had he he even had that much time but he had 10 minutes that was fire fire yeah that you know when he go hey man something like he he tried to rob somebody it was his mom i forgot how i go what you doing pictures of my brothers in your pocketbook well those guys that like were coming up that had like a great middle set yeah and then they had a headline so they had to stretch that middle set out to an hour so they had to take that 25 minute set and make an hour out of it but he he had a i would i was i would describe chris first def jam set as an ed sullivan set because back in the day you see guys ed sullivan and boom to you at home you think he did like an hour but it was just two and a half minutes right but boom that joker was selling out all over the place you know and my mom and him said we're going to go see sagittarius he was on ed sullivan do you remember when eddie griffin did hbo when he had shorts on what was that was that def jam that he did yeah yeah did michael when he did michael jackson that's yeah that's the one he's the one when he came out with shorts on what he said about cocaine i think it was but i just remember the power of the set i don't remember the content but i remember he murdered so [ __ ] hard smash that and he had so much energy back then what you remember he did he did michael jackson he did he did the the thing about uh cocaine he said cocaine is like a prolific drug he's just because he says you smoke cocaine i want to talk to somebody who's not here yeah and that's the guy yeah yeah that's a great telephone yeah yeah i want to talk to somebody he's not even here and i was there the day that bernie did his thing and that was like a matinee show like two in the afternoon the crowd
just wasn't like uh and angela means went on a friend of mine butch burns who's also from dc he went on and didn't because i think i wouldn't say butch bomb but butch stood there as if he was in a club like as if he was at the cellar he just had his hand on the mic stand you know just hey what's up like no son this ain't the spot for that man you got to come out yeah yeah you got to come out on some joe rogan [Laughter] even i'm laid back but when you see me on death jam no well that came out when bernie came out and goes i'm not afraid none of you [ __ ] kick it boom it's just like boom he just took it off because they were power i know but they were like you know because there was blood in the water yeah and they they were they guys they was like ooh we're gonna boo him too not today [ __ ] no bernie had power i saw bernie at the comedy connection at faneuil hall and uh i walked in while he was on stage and he was murdering man just waves of people just moving through the audience with laughter like falling out of their chairs just kidding and he like his his speech pat his the way he talked was like when i hear my grandfather and his friends talk yeah like all this like it was like he was from back in time some i'm a bush in your head like that that's always old man [ __ ] yeah until you see the white me when i see you it's going to be a misunderstanding just like that you know instead i'ma kick your ass like boom he was yeah i loved that dude he was something else there was some hot sets on that def jam back then man yeah for sure for sure you uh when what year did you start um the third thursday in may of 86. 86. that was the the height right that was like that when comedy like the 80s boom ladies boom i went in the first time in 1983. i was in the navy and um and one of my guys he was like 30 years old and i was i was like i was like 18.
so to me he was a grown genius man he told me how funny i was because uh eddie murphy was on the cover time magazine with a red baseball cap still like this and he said you could do that woods i'm like i wouldn't have wear that cap he's like nah man you could you could do that you get them like i'm like what are you talking about so he went as far as to call the comedy cafe as where's me and dave and all of us started out in dc he called him up set up he said go down there man you know dude just talk about the same [ __ ] you talk about here at work man i'm telling you i'm going down there and it was a first live comedy show kevin lee who juggles you know him his job was anyway he was there and you seen jugglers on tv and they always go oh my god that's amazing oh my god that's so amazing he juggled this that and he juggled and bam [ __ ] dropped the bowling ball what that was the funniest [ __ ] i've ever seen because i thought he did no purpose because it went pam everybody jumped and [ __ ] and he just kind of picked it up real quick and kept juggling and i was and then everybody else was going everybody was like to me everybody was [ __ ] super funny and then i remember um uh uh what's his name he just passed away uh william stevens um okay william stevenson was the emcee and he said uh next we have another funny human being remember he stole his head funny he says he's a new guy tony woods and everybody started clapping i mean too i was clapping too like where's tony woods because i'm not going up there i'm like i'm not ready for this so i didn't go on stage again for three more years man and when i did go me and my buddy vance used to go to the comedy club and every week i put my name on the list chickened out but we sit and hear a little hear some jokes so the next morning my wife would say how was it last night because me and vance would hang out in the comment club for maybe 30 minutes for it then go to laylee's night at this nightclub and then you know so um in the morning she would go how was it last night she
was good she said what you talking about so i was saying oh i did my thing about how girls look like a cockatoo right and she goes that's pretty good you know i mean whatever i heard that caught my ear that night i would tell her and i remember she was brushing her teeth one time and i said somebody else is joking she goes i'm a funny and she didn't laugh she's going no funny okay she starts to tell everybody that i'm doing comedy and everybody's like yeah we want to come see i'm like ah man well you know you don't want to come down it's it'd be so late at night huh [ __ ] it it did then one day it was the third thursday in may and she said the executives are going out of town we don't have to work tomorrow so your mom's going to keep the baby i'm going with you [ __ ] heart was beating so fast oh my god i'm like you know what i was thinking man you could just we need to spend time together we just said he says my mom got the baby just have like you know a little blockbuster night you know just no i'm going to the comments i want to see you oh oh that was a long day joe because all day long i'm [ __ ] what the [ __ ] am i gonna do what the [ __ ] is that right write down stuff i forget everything i wrote down but go down there while we're sitting there watching the other comedians she would nudge me she go he's doing your joke oh no and i'm like no i said no the comedians they get together and and they share jokes but then they call me up i forgot what i was going to say i said uh you guys look good you guys smell good and then this guy in the front says his leg is shaking because my leg was shaking and i said hey your stomach's shaking and i said hey but don't worry about it man i used to be fat too and then i said i was a whopping 70 pounds and i said but i was only this tall and the rest i guess god sent it to me because i did this whole bit about setting my mom's bed on fire and all this other [ __ ] my
cat talking to me oh it was just bang bang bang and i remember before i went on stage the fat doctor that night was the host and the fat doctor said where do you want your light and i said like right in the front you know i didn't know what the [ __ ] that right right right like what do you want your light means you want a two-minute like three-minute like for me like he said well hey man where you want your light at i'm like like right in the front that's that's good i'm looking at me like the [ __ ] is wrong with you stupid so but i went up and i killed and then bang light came on said good night tony woods like that right just ran off and everybody was taking martin lawrence and pierre and all them shaking my hands everything using comedy stuff like hey man good set and all this i'm like i you know and i sat there and was kind of short-lived because i sat down with my wife my and my boy vance my boyfriend said i told you i told you i told you what she kind of was almost telling her that this is his first time but he was telling me but he didn't he didn't he didn't say that did nothing say it the next guy came on was a professional he says from the pro side we got this guy and he went up he wasn't doing so good because i had [ __ ] ripped first time first time because i was nervous and then i then then she said you need to tell them that they need to stop paying you up in here huh she said you have been coming here for over six months oh no and you want the funniest ones tonight you need to go back there and tell them other comedians to give you some money oh no i said well you know i could do it next week you know what i said no because they all back there i'm like okay so i went i walked i walked in the back good thing the guy you saw andy evans who's like the godfather it's a good thing he was there cause i was like i said yo what's up man i get paid up and he goes huh i said how do i get paid he goes oh hold on
i'll be right back i'm gonna go get the guy who can pay you i'm like okay like yeah because i look back at her like yeah i got this [ __ ] i got this [ __ ] boom ham and all the other comedians because they're back on the stairwell they all behind the bar they all come up we go what's up brother what you say again i said because everybody's looking at me i'm like i said i said um you know how um like how do you get paid to do comedy you go no no that's what you said you said a [ __ ] i get paid like he said he just overdid he said i grabbed him in the car and said [ __ ] you better give me some money or something like that and they all started laughing and then i never forget they was all laughing then because they knew it was my first time right and then fat doctor came and he goes whoa hold up wait a minute what's your name man i said tony woods he goes yeah man that was you up there wasn't i'm like yeah he goes i'm gonna tell you something man look what you did tonight do that about 500 more times then come back and talk to us get the [ __ ] out of my face and they were all laughing and i went back over there with my wife and she said so what they say because they they must like they like you because they still laughing [ __ ] them they all still remember that they was all back there laughing and just having a good time but how long was it before you started getting paid as a matter of fact that guy andy evans put me on a tv show two months later it was a public access i didn't pay but from the public access show i got paid was me warren hutchison wanda sykes um no wanda wasn't it yet it was uh robin montague uh tommy davidson a lot of us but me and warren and martin lawrence were open mikers and and so the real comedian was like what are they doing here because we were sitting there like first
day of school the three of us like when do i go on when i got nervous yeah so but we all did we all did well that was public access and uh but yeah we've been rocking ever since what how many years in do you think were you a professional like how many years did it take before you started getting paid yeah i don't i don't i don't yeah it didn't take me years i am i did the tv show and then i would just go on stage and just go to sleep like other people were writing jokes i wasn't i was just talking about stuff that had happened to me and just twisting it around and doing this so one year in this guy's in the audience from bet and he says that was great i want you to be on this tv show called tell me something good i'm like okay here's this game show and it's on b-e-t i'm like what's that he goes black entertainment television i'm gonna laugh and he gave me his card like yeah i said this [ __ ] would be cool as [ __ ] you know if if it was because there was no cable tv in dc at that time ah so the next day my my dispatcher calls me said yo triple seven triple seven you're gonna drop off your packages to set to another courier cause you gotta you gotta uh give your wife a landline you gotta go home emergency i'm like oh [ __ ] what the [ __ ] and she says yo i checked the messages see a guy named stu perkins from black entertainment television calls you and he wants you on the show today i'm like yeah that clown talking about she says you never heard of them like what the [ __ ] is that i'm like we got a network [Laughter] went down to duke street in virginia and and did it it was a live taping of a a game show called tell me something good and people would actually call in and answer the question it was like on a maybe a 10 second delay you you know you couldn't do that now everybody be cursing and stuff like this this is like 1988 and then joe right after that there's a contest called the national lampoon comedy playoffs right nationwide leslie nielsen was the host
out in vegas and did that and you only had to have uh seven minutes boom i smashed that [ __ ] and went and went to vegas and met leslie nielsen and that's when my gambling problem started [Laughter] okay this is a good thing so we check into the sahara's not even there no more so my last name is woods that's a w everybody had their rooms boom and the lady said well you know you would so we're gonna have to put you on such and such floor right because this back in the day when only a few people had the car the magnetic thing i had to show i had to stick it in the elevator to go up to my floor i had to double doors i'm like what it looked like the [ __ ] room in hangover wow like what the [ __ ] and so everybody knows that i'm only two years in on comedy something like that so they said poolside interview i get down there i'm talking to all the working comedians like yo man you see the room they like first time in a hotel buddy i'm like [ __ ] these dudes stay in rooms like this all the time right and so we all hang out and then uh say yo and everybody's like yo we're gonna go get i said yo we can go to my room i got i got beer and wine and stuff in my room and sodas and which you went shopping it's in my room and we go upstairs [ __ ] and i stick the card key in and we go up to the floor i got the double doors going everybody's like what the [ __ ] that is when the rumor started that i was a shoo-in i was [ __ ] around going around pretending i didn't know anything about comedy like i was like hey man so what comedy club do you who do i call to get to that comedy club do i send them a tape like that because i that was really me but they were like yes the [ __ ] you doing okay like it was a and then on top of that i [ __ ] ripped on the thing so they're like yeah it's [ __ ] they thought it was a setup that was a setup they thought you were just a long time pro and yeah [ __ ] yeah i was bullshitting them you were a rigged guy yeah yeah that like i was like i was a shoo-in i was just in there yeah but i i was i was actually a new dude
the one of the things that people have always asked me about you that go where's his specials like how come he doesn't have specials out because peop so many people talk about how fun you are but they go how do i see him do you do you have any specials have you put out any specials i did i did a special uh in australia some years ago by accident it was it was on the comedy channel they still talk about it in australia that's the first of man great barnes went over there the first time and i was the last one right you supposed to do seven minutes tv taping i was last one i was smashing that [ __ ] killing and boom that after you hear the announcer go ladies and gentlemen tony woods because i had done 25 minutes oh so he said it while you were on stage yes i was killing it but it worked out like you ever see that movie oh brother out there yeah so the rest of the festival me greer barnes renee hicks and this assumed i think sue miller or sue murphy we were there and i was supposed to be the headliner i just it just wasn't hitting it just i just i could do other people's show i could go to joe's show and rip but in my show it just i was like [ __ ] i just i couldn't get it and everybody's like is this the guy then they said do you want to go on the road so we're gonna go on the road and they have a tour b tour c tour so they put me on a tour and since my shows weren't all that good they had me in the opening spot like they have an emcee one two and a uh what they call intermission and then and then one or two more guys and do you ever see old brother wildtown with george clooney yeah i remember they had been on the run they've done all this other [ __ ] and then they snuck on there's gonna get a gig and they walked out on stage and they said the soggy bottom boys everybody ah because the [ __ ] had aired on television the set that i had done when i was talking about the the nursery rhymes is not in their shoe around so i was talking about like little ray riding
hood and all that you know like uh what's her name the the the criminal girl you know okay the the one why i say the girl has uh she she walks into the gate that's trespassing she never knocks she's twisted that's unlawful entry and it's a [ __ ] got a lot of charges then she sit down to eat the food ooh this food too hot [ __ ] this ain't your food [ __ ] out of here you know except it's a whole long story did i do that and um dude i had like a two to three minute standing ovation applause break wow cause everybody's like that's the guy it's the soggy bottom boys [Laughter] and then that and then so boom no one can follow that so boom the next night they go well we'll have you close the first half okay boom and then so at i was closing the show and they had a group act they had a guy who a three man who juggled and do all i had to close the [ __ ] show behind him because every little town we was going in australia they was going i walk out there go with the road managers was going okay everybody get ready like that because i walk out of small towns and they just go from this one accidental comedy special yeah now how come you didn't do more after that i don't know man i mean you've been doing comedy 30-plus years yeah like you are the one of the best comics ever that doesn't have a special oh yeah no you're the best comic ever that doesn't matter oh wait i did i did the comedy central special remember that oh when was that i think that was 2000 or 2001 something like that for comedy central and was that a half hour or i think 20 minutes me zach fernandez and um brother califanakis yeah my god i got speechy panda zack he knew yeah but you haven't done like an hour special no it was me zach the sklar brothers and tom papa oh and we love tom pogba yeah we did that and because tom papa to me is uh what's his name jack benny yeah very similar yeah yeah tom papa looks like he
belongs in another time era yeah what was the black dude with jack benny was this roscoe or winchester oh i don't i never watched that show who he had it was it was black it was black comedy but it black people didn't like it but it was uh it was funny [ __ ] he said cause he would say [ __ ] like he said roscoe you know i think i see the bear give me the rifle roscoe give me the wife and then he looked back and roscoe was like i'm in the car bombs like that it was very bad but it was very this is it right it was time boom that's him that's the black dude ready what's his name what was his name rochester rochester anderson manchester anderson died in 1977. wow jack benny yeah and look at it look like tom papa's standing there down there a little bit yeah easily gives me some popping see you guys see look at that down the bottom see that's tom papa right there if you took tom papa and shoved him in another time he'd fit right in in the jack benny era there's a lot of dudes like that that seemed like so look at that rochester look a little bit like roy wood junior a little bit look at jack benny with marilyn monroe where right there is that jane mansfield no it's marilyn monroe god damn she was hot whoo look at that he got that i hit that look look at that he got that look like he you know he's done something something terrible look at him he's gripping her waist too he date her or something it looked like he hit it there's it seems like there were a lot of pictures together i'm suspicious her waist is small for titties that's natural that's like no no gym time at all women didn't even know you could exercise back then [ __ ] looked like dracula when he was younger though oh right there yeah totally oh on the
news on nbc radio in that wild man that people used to do comedy on the radio they used to like sketches and [ __ ] on the radio you know who else has that old-timey voice dan naderman okay yeah he uh did you ever see that movie about seabiscuit and the guy who was doing the announcements no what do you say there right all right the guy from shameless he was the voice in that movie about the the horse oh i know you're talking about i watch too much movies but joe i tell you my career has kind of been like uh forrest gump the character forrest gump you know people always go what happened you know but everything that happened like a lot of the big [ __ ] that happened in comedy i was right there i i don't know what happened i was i was right there and then people like remember when forza said so one day i just started running yeah i don't know why people's following them like people go oh my god you've been flewing so many people oh like i don't know why the [ __ ] they following me dog like it's not i'm not just leaving my special i'm not just leaving my successful film career i'm not just leaving my uh my sitcom career i'm not leaving none of that [ __ ] i'm just running and my pockets is just following me and then they they hang on they hang on my words sometimes i'm just talking in my own head really remember when uh when the guy came up and the the mud splash and he's he and he said [ __ ] and then he says it happens like that yeah and there's been times when i've run into comedians and go yo i will never forget the time that you said to me cause because you know the guys they come up i said yo good set man they go you liked it i'm like son you changed my life right which is better than like some comedians would go you need to get out of the business right as a matter of
fact somebody said that to him to that guy who who plays eddie murphy's son in the new um what's his name damon jamin jamal i forgot his name i know him though he plays damon wayne no no he said eddie murphy's son in the new coming to america i don't know but anyway he's from dc too okay and i remember when he first moved to new york and he's called me up when they just kind of he said man do you think i moved to new york too soon you think and he used those exact words and we both know who the [ __ ] said that he said do you think i need to get out the business i was like man [ __ ] that dude who said it you know who who always say that he need to get out the business patrice no who said it you know you should say that no we're where we go chick-fil-a did you get any chicken fingers of chick-fil-a well then i don't know because i don't like this this disrespect the dead i don't know what you're saying you'll figure it out no i didn't talk about that i worry about man sometimes in the future okay we don't have to talk about it but did it ever occur to you that like man i need to get out like an hour special because so many people come to see you just based on other people's recommendations based on having seen you before i mean you always did well but everybody loved you sometimes i'll have an amazing two and a half hours set and some little club like i just did the dead crow right and then i'll be somewhere big and it'd be like yeah he was good it's good yeah but i put one a second when it yeah yeah i don't know i don't know what this is but yeah i know but i know you're working on a special right now yeah they are and that's what because they keep saying hey man you ready i'm like [ __ ] ready when you asked me the first time who are you doing it with the only time i wasn't ready and ironically enough the goddamn special was called they ready goddamn no i'm not right now because that's when tiffany called and said yo doing this day ready special
come on get on because because she said these guys been around but but at that point we had been sitting still dude i had you know i was driving for grubhub you know just yeah this is during covid doing kova and like i was in amsterdam because because david gave me a shout out on um on the mark twain award and things just started popping things started popping man and i was over there and amsterdam was a guy named james ultra i was doing characters yeah i mean you know boom just killing it and that i came back i came back on a sunday [ __ ] closed down on i think that monday over there then that weekend i went to uh minneapolis and then that so that was my last gig before that and i just jumped right on and started working with grubhub and i forgot the point i was making joke but you were talking about they ready oh yeah they ready so so it's it's like and then she called me up like boom and i'm like i ain't that ready you know i'm not i'm not that i was not that ready i had gotten so comfortable like and imagine in over 30 years that was the first time i slept in the same bed for more than [ __ ] ten days wow yeah for more than for more than ten days well it was like three months i slept in the exact same bed no matter where i went and snuck around and did some little dirty covert shows i still still came back to the same house and washed my hands real vigorously like i hope i'll make y'all sick but i need these streets i need these treats the only time i got nervous if i get the test is when i went to yellow springs oh dave's like yeah man what y'all here man you gotta do this and that night went through this little [ __ ] in dc in the alley like everybody come on in don't say anything lock the door doing comedy in there everybody's inside you can't smoke outside you smoke outside somebody's gonna see hey what's going on over there so
knock the door he's like little peephole and then the next day they flew us out to yellow springs and i'm like and then you know they give you the lord like now if you test positive uh the you know don't take your [ __ ] out the car cause it's gonna take you right back to the jet i'm saying [ __ ] and everybody was there kevin and everybody was here it was like damn man i'm [ __ ] up but you didn't get it i didn't get it yeah i'm not going with that that was that was the only time i was worried about it you think you might have got in january of 2020 though i'm sure i got in jail i got january at a new year's eve party in dc yeah and i made myself well because i had caroline's for the first time in years oh yeah and years you you know even sure you remember caroline's yeah yeah yeah okay so i was there one time i was hanging out with one of the guys who who worked there and we're drinking because of snow and a big snowstorm snowing and rock was going to be there that night but i stopped by like around four in the afternoon because i ain't got no show after that i was gonna get on the train to go down to the boston comedy car so my man came and he's handicapped uh you know oh i ain't gonna say his name but he's a very good friend of mine from philadelphia how many more hands you need anyway he felt that's not the funny part he fell down the steps yeah like in eddie murphy boom boom boom boom boom boom i'm halfway down you know that landing at caroline's yeah bam i know and like you like when we go oh when he said that you're like you're like man i thought you but he only had a cut over his eye and we had been drinking day drinking i don't day drink man you know sometimes you say [ __ ] you shouldn't say right you don't say [ __ ] that [ __ ] i suit caroline's why you sitting oh no he's sitting in caroline's drinking free liquor and eating free food you don't say yeah [ __ ] that if i was you [ __ ] i would sue like yeah that was that was why not
that's when i get drunk you have to spell my name backwards he don't know how to act man i'm like tony didn't say that tony's a nice guy never say that but that [ __ ] why not why not sit there and then nobody ever said anything except for barry barry said uh well why would you say something like that yeah why would you say something like that man i'm like i wouldn't i mean that's what people say it's people say in the black neighborhood like you see black people jaywalking and i go i wish that [ __ ] would hit me you know you don't you don't wish he would hit you but that's just some [ __ ] we say yeah you know what she's talking yeah [ __ ] talking i was just talking [ __ ] yeah normal normal [ __ ] wasn't working the karen last no more though that was it [ __ ] until dave gave me a shout out oh really yeah they cut you off from that nobody ever cut me off it just just never happened yeah we don't have any more veils so when dave gave you the shout out on the mark twain award did that open up a lot of doors for you yeah it did thank you i was just telling you i was like was getting it was kicking it and then then the cobra should have and then tiffany you know and where's it's a good thing i had a fan base because people was like we saw you and it was good listen we know you're funny hey what the [ __ ] that is the compliment i want right right like you're like yeah we know you're funny those other people just didn't get it but it was first of all it was outdoors and there was a low-hanging fog so it made it like a theater first first thing i wasn't getting at all but the second night and it was it was kind of i put a whole bunch of different little sets together yeah but to get back to your um special i don't know who is this who is producing your special david david oh david dave's doing an earthquake too yeah he's a local comedian from washington d.c area oh david chapelle dave chappelle yeah
i'm i'm wearing him so i love that dave's doing yours and he's doing earthquakes too and and donnell's too and he's doing downhill but that's beautiful uh donnell and and um and quake have already done it yes yeah so is is um yours gonna be for netflix is it gonna do you know what it's gonna be for i don't know i better [Laughter] i've never met a man as good as you at comedy that's so [ __ ] casual about his career it's hilarious yeah man he can't be tripping out about [ __ ] you know i know but you take it to another level you take you can't be tripping out about [ __ ] to like as far as it can go yeah like i can't even see him what is he doing out there he's uh you can't be tripping out about [ __ ] but he's just doing it a hundred miles away well as i drive down the road of life joe yes sometimes i say god just give me a sign and then it'll be a yellow light and i go i can make it yeah it's um it's a funny thing like there's there's these guys that we all know that are like these legendary comedians that uh all the comedians respect all the comics love but for whatever reason they don't get the same amount of appreciation from you know whether it's from netflix or from whatever they just you know and that's you you're the you're one of those guys that's one of the reasons why we brought you up so many times on the podcast i i i noticed something some years ago it's uh it was in town for the def jam tapings and uh like people kept coming by to go hey what's up y'all comedians yo man you funny [ __ ] oh man you're crazy and then people always take a pause and they go hey man look you man nobody ever say then i'm funny they just go i love you man like that like you know and then sometimes like people leave the show and they go you know i don't even like comedy but uh yeah he was good i don't even like comedy what do you say to those people i just go why i just why don't you like comedy i just go thanks
you know like like a lot of times ago i only came because she told me to come hmm okay you enjoy yourself [ __ ] well some people do they're reluctant to give you compliments yeah but but very seldom do i hear funny it's usually i love you man it's just you know oh my god i love you like that it's never like you are so [ __ ] funny no just it's like calm yeah you gotta like i love you too i guess so you don't even have like a time schedule for when you're gonna do your special i'm assuming it's gonna be on netflix hurry up cause [ __ ] is dying like dogs man every time i turn around somebody died yeah it was kind of depressing one day that is true yeah well as we get older yeah that's just uh the fact of the life that we're living in you know we were i was on the phone when you got in here uh with joey diaz who uh just caught covered he's fine he's all good we got him vitamin drips and monoclonal antibodies he lives here no joey's in new jersey now he's living in new jersey he's a king in new jersey i went to visit him down there went to a restaurant everybody knows him it's hilarious i was like damn it he's never leaving new jersey so i wanted him to come to austin but as soon as i saw him in new jersey i was like all right i get it i get it this is his spot he belongs there microblast was sick i think too oh yeah i think he was i saw it on facebook how's he doing now just doing good when i first moved to new york that's the first a tv spot i did oh really que loco i know okay uh mike roberts was on the on the spanish channel and at the time my dad lived up in washington heights he still lives in washington heights like up uh uh 200th and broadway way up there and one night i go to the bodega and the little the little dominican lady she said she's having her uh her grandson is laughing like [ __ ] and tell me he said y'all she saw you on television and she said she's so proud of you she says cause she could tell you was
having problems with your english but you stuck with it and showed them that you could do it but she was like she was like you know i saw you have some problems you kind of slowed down a couple of times that's the least yeah he was like that's hilarious her grandson was like yo because he he knew how he you know see me and uh as a matter of fact he's called me kehora yeah so when i would be going to an audition or something in the morning we're walking to the train and i noticed people just always go get all the ass and go yeah what's up just toning they see me i thought they see me on death jam i just knew whatever they were saying was a [ __ ] question right right i don't know because they go get her ass and stoning and then they do like this they pointed the watch and they go oh it's such a such a time and i didn't put two and two together right that they were asking me what time is it yeah it's all good so this thing with dave you don't like because earthquake is wondering when his is coming out too well he did he did is he doesn't exactly know when it's coming out but man it's hard to get like because you know dave said hey man whenever you're ready i'm like yeah yeah i'm ready and then she said just let me know he said man i'm letting you know hey let's go right but i mean you know next you know every time you turn around man dudes chasing them with dresses on all kinds [ __ ] tie your shoes son you're in a drag race that shit's died down though yeah they're leaving him alone now he's just we just realizing how many of the people that are upset at him didn't even watch the special yeah they watch the special and you still are angry at him and you missed the point the same we was uh what if it was somewhere man it's me i was on on the road with louis ck
so i go outside the comedy club some people out there having a silent protest and i'm like yo what's up what's going on and the girl says there's a comedian in there and he's performing and um he's really uh he's racist he's name all of the [ __ ] that they said he is he's sexist he's yeah homophobic what and she said all this [ __ ] i'm saying he racist too [Laughter] i said well [ __ ] that give me a sign right and she and she was like she was like no no no we're having a silent protest i'm like nah [ __ ] that i said that's his picture right there i'm gonna [ __ ] him up now i don't have to stand in line i cut right through the line and going back i forgot to cl it's somewhere man but it's like they got a back room with karaoke like you walk through the back i go in the back i forgot about that i was [ __ ] with that girl i think that that was gonna happen sit back there and then boom she comes in with the police and [ __ ] and she's like you know she wanted to go that's him but she could choose right to you know to the policeman to the policeman okay because we're all sitting in the back right you know just talking about whatever it's me uh lynn copplets and we all just sitting there and the girl you know because the girl and the policeman and the and the manager the owner of the club come in because they thought that you were going back there to [ __ ] up the comedian [ __ ] up louise right cause cause she saw me i dipped all of you back so she called the police she didn't call her the police was right there she got the police she says i think that guy's going back to do something today louis ck yes so when she come in and she see me first she's like [Laughter] right and and then yeah and then she ended up she didn't know what louie had done she took pictures they gave her a t-shirt for the club took a picture with louie in the green room and all my stuff she took a picture yes
she was just there because her uh some girl from her college said yeah let's go do this this is protest protest you say i i don't know that's the thing man it's like so many of the people that they haven't even thought it through they don't even know what he did yeah i didn't know what he did if you were in the room with louie when he jerked off and he said can i jerk off in front of you and you said yes i guess you got an argument that maybe you shouldn't have been asked that question yeah because it puts you in an uncomfortable situation remember that joke that kevin brennan used to have about consent no i don't know he's like he says on the college campus he meet a girl girl can i kiss you you should kiss me you know can i can we make out can we do this she says so it gets hot and heavy so they're they're having sex he says boom can i do it dog he says yeah yeah and then he's he says can i stick it in here she said can i stick it in your butt she goes what he goes do they sell chicken fingers and pizza hut he said it was a little kevin it was a funny joke you know how he is right he goes uh and like because everything she everything she's down for everything it ain't gonna you know can i can i stick it in your butt what because did you know do they sell chicken fingers at pizza so it was like that consent [ __ ] it's funny when kevin do it it's a timing thing yeah my bad but that uh when you were opening for louis so that was after the controversy that was after the controversy we started doing shows again we went to portugal together oh yeah portugal we went to portugal and then we went to uh what is it like to accommodate portugal it was dope guess what whip that the [ __ ] is he the mayor or the governor of uh on queen in the south queen of the south what is that it's a netflix uh
thing oh i don't know that okay uh but as queen of the show it's like the biggest one and he plays he's the third lead character oh i've never heard the show have you heard of uh queen of the south no there's so many shows though here we go this is it right here which guy did you hang out with okay i've never even heard of this [ __ ] show you know okay from 2016 why is he not on the first row maybe he lied no he is he's like that's him right there which one right there go back the second one that guy that guy right there yeah he lives in portugal how do you say his name i don't know de alameda right joaquin alameda yeah that guy so he lives in portugal it is in portugal how the [ __ ] is there a show that has been going on since 2016 i'm just hearing about now man this is like one of the hottest shows that's the thing there's so many what about this guy this is my man right here let me scroll back down i want you to see this guy which guy i hate this [ __ ] but he's so good at you hating him you hate him oh yeah did you see um did you see um apocalypto yes i did yeah oh yeah right and everything oh yeah he was amazing he was and he said oh he's amazing where is he an apocalypto is he up there how do you say his name girardo see right there that's him tara cena taracena that guy was a bad [ __ ] right there okay see him in apocalypto oh yeah and i like the part where he go he jumped off the waterfall he said hey my grandfather hunted in this forest my father hunted his father and my son and my son's sons were hunting this forest [ __ ] you and they said no [ __ ] you and they jumped off the waterfall too that movie was amazing that was man it was a wild ass [ __ ] movie that was a dope movie apocalypse that guy he was a [ __ ] [ __ ] but yeah yeah he's in queen of south too he was the main he was the that you mean he's an [ __ ] on the show no yeah on that show too on on queen and
sound too he he's that guy's henchman oh okay the guy who i hung out with in portugal he's that guy's henchman what is queen of the south about uh cocaine oh and it's about it's on it's on the cartel level oh it's it's uh basically they're big drug dealers who buy straight from the cartel so like how how pablo uh escobar was the cartel right they're buying from so they would buy it from pablo in the district yes yeah and distribute it yeah they get their hands dirty oh i'm sure and um well oh yeah then after that we went to uh brussels no we went to paris went to paris then what is it like doing stand up in paris snobby but it was good they they it's yeah they they were good paris is a good um because uh louie's girlfriend lives there right his girlfriend's like one of she's she's like ellen of paris i guess yeah i'm assuming yeah yeah she's nice guys but she's like a real big comedian over there yeah and his new special i watched his new special sorry it's very good his new one it's funny it's very funny it's interesting it's getting mixed reviews but i think it's just because people want to hate them the people that are louis ck fans will love it would love yeah i i was at the cello one night that the big seller the um the underground mm-hmm he's popped in and i can see the look on the audience face he did 20 minutes on the pros of suicide um and i was like you can't do this around [ __ ] who weak and drunk man you know what i'm saying yeah cause it was a lot of people going yeah i see his point that's his way [ __ ] stop talking man somebody gonna kill himself ahead louie and uh so yeah well he's always been like one of the most prolific guys like he used to put out a special every year which i think is too much i think every couple years i think you want to give the material time to cook if you're doing a new special every year generally speaking i feel like it could use a little bit more time
with mine you'll see a car and you go it's a nice car you see it next year it's just got rims it's little tennis is this then you see it again it's [ __ ] been elevated that yes you said that's the same car but wow look at all the [ __ ] you play yeah that's how all jokes are it's like bits some of them though come out right out of the box they're perfect boom yeah it's rare but some of them do some of them come out right of the box you don't have to do [ __ ] with them but most of them it takes time it takes a little time to get it right get it tuned in i i have jokes that uh i would say 20 30 years in the making yeah it's because it's from different parts of my life like the first time i did that comedy jam and i did the thing i said where the lady sneezed and a booger hit me and the booger was on me and then i said the trans the cop said hey did you hit that lady and i'm like i'm like man she put a book on me and then he says i'm gonna kick your ass and i say well i was about to run not because not because i was afraid but he was handicapped and then everybody go oh i know he went like in a wheelchair just had like a little arm and i do this whole fight thing we fight and he hits me with the little arm [Music] [Laughter] so so that [ __ ] happened in the sixth grade because this guy said that i was messing with his sister like but you know it's like you know sixth grade love taps it was they was jumping double dutch and i knocked the rope down what little boys do when they like girls but one of his friends liked her so he said yeah he was messing with your sister and so my man came over with his boys and he like this he said yeah man you [ __ ] my sister i'm like come on son you don't want this you know come on you don't want this because he had the little arm like you don't want
this so you know how the kids get around like ooh and we squaring up and i'm i'm doing my thing you know and you know and and and and man next thing i know he you know he had his arm around hey we're kind of struggling anywhere it's just that cool like or like a hollow coconut when he because he hit me with the baby arm yeah that was a big joke maybe that's why things ain't working out it's just you can't this is hard to explain a bit without doing a bit yeah so yeah so say a bit like that that that that little alarm thing happened in sixth grade whereas the uh the nose thing happened it did happen on the subway and i but it didn't happen to me but it was a lady and it looked like kind of crusty right here right and she i remember she sneezed like like that and then booger just went like no one saw a butt me and went right on the guy next to her and then she like did that in a a bubble like where the snot was popped out here so i just added it to the bit i twisted it all around and made i'm like but look at that [ __ ] was 20 years in the making so when you were in france like they understand english yeah so do they laugh at everything or does it no they don't laugh at everything they're very so the sense of humor is different no it's just with me i think i i think i have an easier time because i speak slowly and deliberately yeah and i don't rush and just and i don't make it too american you know like i i know when i i know when i've crossed the bridge you know i'm saying like when i left manhattan until you know like i've been speaking to reggie mcfadden the first time he came to d.c first time i saw him in dc and he was up there telling jokes about the subway nobody no right yeah it wasn't again they don't you know nobody goes to you know he's like everyone rides a train yeah everybody who lives in new york
rides the train yeah and so like it's it was i'd say the easiest country where people speak another language is the netherlands because you know inc dutch is english french and german mixed together but paris that's what dutch is yeah it's english french and german really yeah it's a combination of three languages three languages because you hit and they go okay perfect you're like what i understood that last part yeah so they they saw that together and um but how did louie do in france louie kill they understand them totally yeah he killed because it was it was it was it was more of like what you saw mike tyson do like it's just a a soliloquy instead of just joke joke joke joke joke right you know so you know some some some valid points some some funny nuances you do right and here's a little about me and so uh when he's when he's up there like he's doing like an hour yeah and he is this in a theater like what kind of it was it was like clubs up there yeah it was a small theater it was like i think was called the american theater um yeah it was it was um let me see i i would say the spot held like about two three hundred about 200 because here's the stage and here the people like that kind of almost like uh like a coliseum like what's that [ __ ] with a doodoo flying your food doo doo flies near food medieval times oh it's that [ __ ] you ever been there oh you mean like horse [ __ ] yeah the air is just full of [ __ ] yeah and i'm like i'm not no not smart yeah i'm not he could get pizza and hot dogs and pretzels and and they're jousting and they're jousting and [ __ ] is flying around not interested in that nah so um what other what other countries did you guys do when you were on the tour you did portugal you did
france uh france uh uh belgium and then i and then went to rotterdam you got to go to that club and ride it in yeah did you ever do uh the thing in rotterdam i've never been to the netherlands you gotta go they speak english very well yeah yeah especially in the big cities like in amsterdam and rotterdam and stuff like that yeah you know uh uh what's his name tom rhodes always as a matter of fact he married a woman from there well tom rhodes used to have a show over there he used to do like a talk show and it's like it had a different name to it it's like wasn't tom rhodes he like was playing a different name i forget what it was called but it was like tom rhodes was the host but it wasn't the tom rhodes show it was like i i remember he was old he had another name but he was odd yeah he lived there for a while he was like a star over there and the late night like talk show things like the the format was a lot much more relaxed much more you could say a lot more you could talk about more [ __ ] over there the first the first time i went it was me uh tony rock me tony rock godfrey and teddy smith and i just remember us watching television it wasn't cable and no [ __ ] like that was like condom commercials and b2 guys and then like you see like what they're doing now in america you see a family the dad be black the mom be white and the little kids be beige and she's like whoa because they just wasn't doing that here in america that's right all over the place be like wow it's like these people are progressive and they're very tall they're big people right yeah there it is the kevin master show starring tom rhodes yeah it's like did they just had a sales from 2002 to 2004 in the netherlands is that his wife right here cindy i don't know i don't know who that is it's just somebody was interviewing just a guest
as as a matter of fact the first time the first time we went is because sd fired me because i got from the seller yeah i got that delayed i'm always late i got a little late and as she said i i can't take it no no tony i can't take any money i'm like but i'm i'm here now this good show's running behind i'm still here for my spot she says well yeah show's running behind because we had to stall cause he wasn't here and then gotham called he said we need somebody right now that's when they had the what was the 21st says we need somebody right now i turn around to walk up the stairs these guys are like yo i just figured this [ __ ] had accent it was mispronouncing vietnam because if you see him he'll look like he could be blasian you know he looked like a good boy so maybe his dad was over in vietnam right he said man everybody is sure now i'm loves you so then they say yeah we're going to bring you and then one guy who says have you ever been to the deadlines before i'm going to go and the other guy will say you're going to love holland right and i'm like okay where are you [ __ ] from right so i saw the same spot and and then they they called me up to do the show that's we started going over there to do the show so that's when you started going on tour no that's when you stopped no that's nice to start going to holland that was for the comedy factory all of us did that like patrice rich voss they should bring us over there and do that show and rotterdam that was that was though we all ride bicycles and everybody think that you go over there and do decking and [ __ ] like prostitutes you go you go see the prostitution and take pictures that's just it cause i mean would you walk into a glass booth and with everybody looking to be sad she's just calling to your room listen so because it's legal all that stuff and then they got the weed and the mushrooms and the space cake and yeah i think they uh they they're backing off of some of that stuff over
there because so many people go over there and get too [ __ ] up yeah yeah i mean they just don't know what they i lost my mind on edibles last when i was there well if you don't know what you're doing you eat too much it was a the guy got a space cake yeah yeah and i get one little piece yeah that's all you need and it was like [ __ ] 12 noon i'll ride my bicycle go get something to eat get ready do the show that night catch the train to go do show come back and then i'm in the room and i'm laying down i guess that's when that [ __ ] kicked in cause i'm like hey man my [ __ ] my feet long like this i was i was laying in the bed but my feet kept going this stretching out like whoa and it was a good thing i was on the phone cause i was like i don't know something wrong so i then i called downstairs and said hey man somebody keep trying to get in my room because what would happen is they had the little ziploc thing on the door it's like it's not a chain it's like a zip thing okay so when i was gonna go downstairs to complain that my bed was making my feet long i was opening the door and it goes and then i go shut it back that's when it comes to yo man somebody trying to break up my goddamn room right there and i was on the phone and then she says i'll call the marriott and and ask them to so my man comes he goes he goes mr woods i'm like shut up i didn't overdo them hey guys you have to uh i'm like oh yeah shut it up take that off and come in goes are you okay yeah i'm good why he goes someone called and said that you're having the problem with your feet like nah listen somebody's trying to get in my room right and then then he says have you had anything have you indulged yourself he said you're not going back out tonight i'm like no he says they gave me some water to drink this water and he went into the mini bar and gave me some candies eat that just he
says there's no charge just you know it would be it would be nice if you did if you did not go out tonight mr woods i'm like am i i'm good and then of course they went back downstairs and of course i called them back because somebody was still trying to get in my room so did you go on stage that night no i had already been on stage oh yeah the [ __ ] day was over i had done that at 12 noon oh wow yeah and i'm like what if that [ __ ] had kicked in when i was out in the street man cause you know bicycles are like rush hours like beijing over there the bicycles and like you you know yeah and that was one little corner and the kid who gave it to me it was another comedian's son he was like 30. but anyways he says yo that spacecake was horrible it was the worst it was this i'm like [ __ ] i lost my mind last night those people were tolerant yeah because they didn't have too much tolerance for marijuana they'll [ __ ] ruin it for you like joey diaz [Laughter] joey diaz can put that [ __ ] away i've been on planes with him before he's eaten like 200 milligrams stars of death throwing two three down his throat at the same time wow i know it's hard to believe but i've seen it i i borrowed my son's car i drove his car and and he always has always loved gummy bears i just at you know that's why i'm driving just and then i went to go get some when to go something done at kinko's get something copied or something like that and the lady says what do you what is what do you want us to do i'm like i don't know how to work this machine she's just okay you put your card in you press start put them in i'm like i still don't know how to work this machine did you know that the gummy bears were weak i did not [ __ ] know but i was like i figured it out after it's not you know how many did you have it's like a small bag of them [Laughter]
he owes me you know what i'm saying i'm like come on one bag of candy all the bags of candy adam bought you boy [Laughter] so that's good man so do you have an idea where you want to do your special nope i i wanted to do it uh super funny what's it called uh nate jackson's supper funny club in tacoma okay you know him no no i've never been the only thing i've done to tacoma did a show with dave out there nate nate jackson is uh he plays junkyard dog on young rock the tv show okay on the young rock tv show he plays uh and i just like his club it's just and i like that um what i call it the dead crow i like the dead crow and i like the comedy works i'm trying to think of what other well you know these are clubs that i just feel i'm good in so when you do um if you do a special at a club how many shows do you want to film you want to film two four what do you want to do that's what dave was saying yeah i like how many you want to do i just like to like do one and go i like that one yeah but i know you're not supposed to do that i heard well it's just there's a lot of pressure i know sometimes you have a lot of pressure the pressure is when the uh when the execs go uh so um have you prepared your set yet oh and then they want to go over your material oh that's the idea for the uh for the tiffany um thing they said that they wanted it typed out oh god so i just got some material and i just got some old [ __ ] and this this woman as a matter of fact the woman from my podcast maya that's what she does like and court or whatever stenographer yeah yeah so she she just transcribed transcribes we did the thing you know i'm one of the people she was like oh so you you changed it around well i changed what around she's because you didn't do the bit about this i'm like oh yeah i am done that [ __ ] in 20 years so you wrote out the set but you wrote it out totally different yeah i didn't
get [ __ ] with it i just said yeah cause they kept pressuring me like yo send us a cover test and send us the transcript so i sent him the cover test and he's like okay we wanted to transcript i'm like [Laughter] i gave money back once well i canceled a special ones because i was on the phone with these executives and we were going with material they're like well this has to change you can't say this like that we can't say this and i was like we're good i go we're done i quit i go i'm not doing it i go i i'm gonna do it somewhere else i'll do it on my own i'll do there's no way i'm doing this special like this is we can't do this you can't tell me what i can and can't say when i when i did the comedy central special the half house special there's a part when i say i went to acid i smoke weed and i stepped into the television and i went to africa right and they were like they were doing this right and i say these ain't hands right and i forgot and he's and i think the guy's like uh maybe we should go with uh boobies boobies something something about boobies so instead of because i said titties i say titties in the same way right he said babe we should go with boobies oh jesus yes and i was like i say um that's how long you've been doing comedy he said no i'm just i'm just the i forgot his title for comedies executive whatever yeah yeah and then so boom that went through all the little bullet points of what i was going to do and all that [ __ ] of course i didn't do it and then they ended up well you didn't do i'm like oh man i forgot you should have came with that relationship [Music] it's the worst is when they try to give you an alternative word and you gotta understand you don't even understand funny i'm [ __ ] unpleasant he's like man like every time i watch one of these shows somebody gets a check for editing yeah
well put that [ __ ] to work cause i'm just i'm gonna say what i'm gonna say that's hilarious yeah [ __ ] is he doing here if he if you're telling me what to say look [ __ ] outta here go to the ending man hey you fired [ __ ] because i gotta do my own editing get out of here so you literally don't know when you're doing it you don't know where you're doing it and dave said just call me when you're ready i feel like i have to step in and help come on in man i'm ready i feel like i have to call dave and go tables i was talking to tony and we got to work this out yeah we got to make this happen you know people people say that we remind each other of of each other a little bit a little but i think you definitely influenced his style like to but i don't mean the comedy way i mean just kind of inner personality because i watched i watched the podcast he sat up in here in the podcast with you and he said listen we're gonna have to do this for real i'm gonna come back i'm gonna do it for real and i'm like you just did it yeah he just died he just did it he's like yeah i'm gonna come back and we're gonna do it you know we'll probably do it on sesame street this time you like all right yeah cool yeah like you like we got it we're good well there's that that's the thing with dave like he he's he marches to the beat of his own drummer you know like if he yeah well see i'm i'm 10 years old and back they got like a lot of different titles for people who marched the beat they did drum and they got all kind of stuff like that back then they used to say oh he's simple so that's they call me simple and easy simple was i it was before people use good words like autistic and stuff [Laughter] you know because the first time i heard somebody say autistic because the little boy was jumping on the couch with his [ __ ] snow boots on and his father goes hey don't don't yell at him because he's he's autistic i'm like i don't give a [ __ ] if he can paint i'm just saying son
tell picasso to get off my couch but that's because i did i i didn't know what it meant i know what it meant yeah i'm not a bad person everybody but i guess a lot of people can say maybe karma's keeping you from that special no no no it feels like you just need a someone to corral you yeah point you in the right direction yeah because once you're up there once you're on stage you're a bad [ __ ] no doubt no doubt about it 100 i feel like if someone just points a camera at you for five shows one of them is going to be a plus i think it would be better if somebody tell me the cameras are there that's it yeah i think if these [ __ ] hide the cameras and then they would say something like okay see that right there that's the camera now go don't look at the camera and say don't worry tony that's cam and see that over there that's a camera like this again oh my god boom but the camera is really somewhere else right boom yeah and then i would just go well the thing is about when you do five shows it's like you just get used to the fact that the cameras or four shows you'll get used to the fact there's a camera on you and it won't mean anything to you yeah i never yeah what cameras never mean nothing especially when they bego three two no i'm talking about when they're telling me wrap up oh yeah the red light is blinking on top of the camera yeah i would just go my bad i did uh 20 minutes on bet's comic view one time too how much time you were supposed to do yeah i think oh four to seven minutes that was the last one the last one was the big deal yeah as i said bruce bruce come on [ __ ] last one he said said he said well i ain't the one you gotta worry about well then why [ __ ] you say something to me dawg listen it's all good because i think it was the
end of the series and everybody i had already and then you know and i was just just going going right yeah i had drove 17 hours to get to new orleans oh really yeah because i cuz they gave me money to fly down but i said [ __ ] that i'm gonna drive and drove down there and uh did the thing and it was good man that bruce bruce was just damn man you know i guess i guess he's like you know we had plans we was gonna go i don't know i was like damn he said but it was produced by ruby red he said well i ain't doing i worry about all right then did you worry about anybody no he he was basically you know how one of your siblings might say to you right wait till the doctor oh you gonna get it right you know what no i ain't the one you gotta worry about more than right where did that get here yeah let's let it go it's all good man well whenever your special does come out please let me know so we could let everybody know i'm doing my special in austin yeah why not that's my name we're going to call it the why not special it's a great place what is the good places here yeah there's a lot of great places you have a night i thought that you would have a a night down there i do tuesdays and wednesdays at the vulcan gas company what is that it's on 6th street today is tuesday yeah i do tuesday night yeah well yeah my flight leaves today well next time whenever your special comes out we'll have you back but check it out can i plug some [ __ ] yeah plug some [ __ ] i forgot almost man tonywoods.com no i don't all right you got a website nah you don't have a website come on man i'm plugging my show okay come on man on the 30th of uh december yes i'll be at the arlington cinema and drafthouse it's called tony woods and friends the shirt that i gave you okay tony wizard friends and then damn i can't think of
the other [ __ ] i got some more shows but this thursday i think they sent them to me okay yeah i think they sent me an email hold on this thursday arlington cinema draft house in arlington virginia not not texas got it where is it man this is so y'all edit this up just gonna come out to be like a half hour no it's two [ __ ] hours we're not eating and [ __ ] we've been up here for like four hours no it's two hours we have yeah we've been doing it i was having so much fun i didn't know i'm trying to find this email i know they sent me an email asking me to talk about some [ __ ] oh jason uh probably yeah okay i got in front of me okay on december 30th arlington drafthouse in arlington virginia um january 13th through the 15th atlanta comedy theater in atlanta georgia uh january 16th and 17th hard knocks laughs in las vegas where's that i don't know i don't either it's in vegas hard enough snack hard knocks laughs las vegas uh february 11th and 12th wiley's in dayton ohio and then february or excuse me then march 31st to april 2nd side splitters but also wait i got something in chicago too oh yeah they didn't give me that no because he didn't yeah he didn't book that that's not in the that's on the thing yeah you don't have a website i don't know [Laughter] do you have social media yeah you got an instagram page right hold up does your instagram page have your dates on it should probably put them up there man you know because it's pretty much work people always talk about they get a blue dot and they say yeah because you know they said man you got up your followers i'm like i don't need i don't how many followers do you have i don't know but yeah i'm gonna be a riddles in chicago on the january the seventh and eighth okay or did did we already call those dates we called the other dates we didn't call that one we didn't i don't have the riddles in chicago one i got the arlington draft house one atlanta comedy
theater in atlanta hard knocks in vegas and then wiley's dating ohio well the seventh and eighth is before that that's right after yeah i know for some reason i don't have that on this yeah see that's me okay we got it now yeah tony was you're a bad [ __ ] no it's great to see you it's been a long time it's been a long time it has been without a strong rhyme to step to i i hate you talk with everybody about killing these um caribou and stuff i want to see this i mean the one out which what is that one that's a deer that's a white-tailed deer oh that this is just that's a gorilla right it's a chimpanzee yeah this is a there's uh uh an artist made that for me wow yeah you know i have a uh a bear coat a bear coat yeah where'd you get it fair banks alaska oh [ __ ] so it's grizzly bear it's it's uh it's uh brown babe brown bear yeah yeah so um we went to this little outpost place and it's just a blanket on the wall just so i mean what's that he says well people hunt and then you know get a brown bear yeah and i'm like well how much is that he's like 150. this is like in the 90s 150 put it in the um put in trash bag came back took it to this place in bethesda maryland i said can you make this to a coat yeah so they clean it because it's please it got it was nasty [ __ ] and clean it up and i remember went to uno's pizzeria this is in uh in chevy chase maryland right go to right but that's the area i go and and the guy he beats beeps me because this when it was you said right you know like can you come back i come back and he and like he's like son where'd you get this i'm like i was in alaska i'm a comedian and they go son someone in danger so they put a lining it's a beautiful coat they're not on the endangered species list they were worried they were worried no i'm gonna show you my coat man i'm sure see because that seems like everything i see on your joe rogan podcast people don't believe me oh so that's why that's why the
because somebody told me not to mention mermaids don't mention mermaids i saw mermaid really yeah when it's the shells africa you saw an actual mermaid yeah that's what it was it was a swimming person really yeah and how long ago was this um i don't know uh as well sylvans it was um you think there's like a small population of mermaids that are out there but anyway [Laughter] me and this little french boy and they said don't they say don't don't swim in the lagoon after dark everybody's up at the bar and everybody's and so everybody's going to go down everybody's kind of racing that so me and him go down may him get in the water from a distance you see something coming like a [ __ ] missile but it's it's going fast and we both kind of stop and then it turns and it jumps out of water and it's maybe at least 10 12 feet long man and do like this and look at both of us and go oh the water was only about this deep didn't make a splash or nothing and then and me and him turn the [ __ ] around we running and everybody's coming down there laughing and got the drinks in their hand we're like no [ __ ] that in the little boy in french and his mom is apologizing to me saying he has a very vivid imagination no [ __ ] listen we saw a fish man and it wasn't like a mermaid didn't look didn't look feminine at all look at a man a [ __ ] man a [ __ ] a [ __ ] dude who said get the [ __ ] out the pool basically he was like like do you know aquaman yeah it was kind of dark dark like a dolphin no but he he had the back of him was fish the back of him was fish his head was was humanoid eyes about so big then if you google it the the lagoons of seychelles okay and i ain't the first person to see some [ __ ] really in them waters and uh the guy the guy who does the horseback riding you know you can ride horses he said how old are you and i told him he
said he's from america right like yeah he's just so at this age pretty much if if you see a turtle and i tell you that's not a turtle he's you know it's a turtle you're the age you know what you say he says people pay a lot of money at this resort he says yes maybe not a good idea to go around go on i saw a mermaid and he goes my he's saying how long his family has been fishing in these waters he says and he's heard some he's heard some things he says i've heard some things like what you said i've never seen what you say you saw but it's not the first time i heard that and i said thank you but basically he was saying that if you ask me to co-sign that [ __ ] [ __ ] you right yeah you're gonna be crazy by yourself so who told you not to talk about mermaids nobody told me not to talk about it you said that i just said that oh cause i'm like if y'all don't believe dakota's bear you definitely won't believe the mermaid story well i definitely believe the code is bare yeah i got it from my outfit it flees and all kinds you know tony woods thanks for being here man yeah thank you let me know when your special comes out we'll let everybody know yeah i'm sure it'd be hilarious i'm in the lagoons around like you know like how you know how the island is [ __ ] like this and like in the lagoon park well they say they've only discovered 10 of the ocean yeah so yeah maybe he's in the other 90. all right man all right tony woods thank you uh and on instagram you're tony woods right tony woods uh twitter see oh really i think i don't know let me look yeah tony woods with a z tone woods yeah was there another tony woods with an s i don't know but i'm the first tony wiz in the world like if you google me i'm the first tony woods all right brother thank you very much for being here man appreciate you i see you at the arlington drafthouse all those places thursdays that we all love we listed chicago this is the biggest best podcast i've ever done today thank you
you're great today no this is the best one ever man and i thank you man i feel humbled and and and proud i mean you know a lot of people say i'm i just kind of go on the seat of my pants but i actually was up and ready and prepared ask anybody i got here early don't ever do that well it's great to have you here hi man love you too brother happy new year bye everybody [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you