Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUCkrZKslr4
three two one hello nikki hello joe rogan so i saw your tweet this is how this all came about and you said uh you were gonna shave your head in solidarity for a friend who has cancer yeah and then you're like actually there's no friend and i was like oh no yeah nikki's going crazy yeah i'm going off the [ __ ] deep is what i was said yes i think we all are and i try i've been trying to like check in on everybody because all of us comedians have not had our medicine you know this is like we're junkies we're laugh junkies we really are you know and i didn't realize how much i mean i knew i missed it but i did one weekend in houston like a month or a month or so ago and then right right away i was like oh my god i got my fix like i'm i know and then you know talking to all these people that are doing like mark norm's doing shows in a park yep you know burke crystal's doing drive-ins i'm doing them too are you yeah i'm going out next weekend what is it have you done them yet no so you have a terrifying any stand up well no i've done stand up i've been sneaking around just i mean i did uh salt lake city i went out there in july and did wise guys because they were doing it really responsibly it was fun it was good it was fine i mean it felt good to be on stage but it felt weird like i need to be going out every night to feel really good yeah you know it'd been so many months that i just i need to get get some momentum i need to work out a little bit so it felt like i was getting my sea legs back but i had good shows and um and the room is just it's just you they're not seating the room like the way comedy is supposed to be seated which is everyone bunched together as close to the stage as possible it's like it's the worst seated the the seating for comedy shows now is like a terrible club you know you go to a club and they don't know how to see and they just let people sit wherever they want it's like a shitty open mic when you first started that's the way it
feels like now because everyone has to be spread out so it's never going to feel as good as it felt before with a sold out crowd and no matter how good the laughs are them spread out in a big room they didn't spread them out too much in houston i'm going to be honest with you yeah i don't know what they did in houston they said it was 75 capacity when we were there and i'm like i don't know that's what they say i don't want to walk around with a clicker and start counting heads but there's a lot of folks in there no i did one gig like that in st louis that i felt like okay i don't i don't feel good about this i did it because i wanted to i was far enough from everyone to feel good about it but i felt bad that maybe the audience got there and was like we were sold a different yeah idea of what this would be because we get in there and we're seated a little bit too close but wise guys insult like they did it really like you i felt good about being there i didn't feel like anyone was going to get sick it was definitely like a third capacity i mean the guy is just struggling to stay open and it's it's so sad but it didn't feel good all the loans are drying up all the the relief is drying up are there gonna be comedy clubs to even go to after all of this it's a real good question i'm nervous it's a real good question there's going to be a lot less and then then what happens because a lot of bars are going under too so it's not like you're going to be able to replace them with bar shows because who knows how many bars are going on there i know who knows how many restaurants are going under new york city i think it's something like 4 000 businesses are done that is so in manhattan crazy something i think that was the number and i read that a month and a half ago it's gotta be more by now four thousand i mean it's i haven't been there since before covet
even though i have an apartment there and i just hear it's it's just i don't wanna be there yeah i have a good buddy of mine he lives there still he's been there the whole time and he says it's a [ __ ] war zone he said it's terrifying he said first of all there's so much violence there's so much crime you just can't he has a friend that's a cop as well and you know he sent me the the sheet of all the things that happened that night and it's just nuts like so many shootings and the shootings are off the charts so like back to like the 1970s times like when times square was a a junkie war zone ah they had it figured out for a couple years there yeah well i don't know what we were talking about james altucher wrote a piece about new york city's dead it's not coming back it's a sobering read it's in the post today or yesterday but it's a [ __ ] sobering read because you read it and like it's not hyperbole everything he's saying makes sense yeah there's no reason for me to go back there i've i've been considering going back just just because you don't want to abandon this city that you like so much and people that are staying there saying like you own everyone left no thank god whoo but i signed on for a while for elite a year lease that started march 1st oh yikes the most expensive apartment i like truly paying three times the rent that i've ever paid because i was supposed to have a really good year because i was going on a theater tour that you know ended so i'm i'm out um i'm out a lot of money every month and i'm trying to find a sublease we keep like lowering the rent i mean it's just i'm i'm just out of year that was a thing in altitude's piece it said that the new york city rental rates have gone down 50 percent which is crazy i was looking for an apartment in january in february i just wouldn't wish if i would have waited a month i could have saved so much so yeah i've got an empty place there my
assistant's just living there and it's all my stuff is just sitting there in storage i don't know what to do i don't know where to go at least your assistant's there yeah it's nice someone's there but but it's it's it's um this must be weird for her too because it's an empty city it's like weird moving around there yeah it is i don't know i i don't know what you do all day yeah because that's the thing about living in new york is that you have a shitty a small apartment because you're just out doing stuff all the time now you can't do anything say just in a shitty apartment so you're just i mean my apartment's pretty nice i never got to step foot in it before but uh apparently it's nice same building a tele lives in i guess i have had uh you guessed you never asked him well no well she just told me i think i saw a tell the other day so i think he's in there he was buying cigarettes [Laughter] there was a bunch of podcasts that i've done about uh apocalyptic disasters and downfall of civilizations and like the mayans and the egyptians and you know asteroid impacts but no but i was i was always looking at those going wow it's fascinating that's fascinating but i never thought in my life that i would see something relatively minor in terms of like the amount of destruction it's done but in to human life in terms of you know like it's worse than a flu but it's not like the pandemic of 1918 or any of these other horrific disasters that have that have happened but to see such an effect that it has on our civilization you go well what if there was like an asteroid impact or what if there was a solar flow how much worse would it be it could get a lot worse yeah i think it's i'm so scared i've always thought that we were gonna live to see the end did you really i do think that why people always go why nikki every generation thinks they're gonna live to
see the end and it never happens you know and i go well someone's gonna be around for it there will be people here when that when the asteroid hits when the super volcano erupts when there's aliens land when the aliens land yeah or when they tell us that they've been here a while when they finally reveal that they've been here is that what you think i don't know what do you think i think so i think they're here yeah i think if there was an island that had chimps that were figuring out dynamite we'd keep a close eye on them yeah if there's a bunch of like advanced like right right now we have primates like lower primates we have monkeys we have chimps we have gorillas and then we have humans there's nothing in between that used to be there right but what if we found an island and it did have like australopithecus and uh you know they had you know maybe they had spears or maybe they had some some primitive weapons and you know we were keeping an eye on them and someone had figured out dynamite and they would be studying them so closely but they wouldn't stop them and they're trying to stop dynamite like let them watch let's see what happens i think they wouldn't they're just going to watch us destroy ourselves before no i think nuclear weapons is where they stepped in and if you pay attention to the timeline of uh ufology if you when you look at the ufo history of sightings and of like the really big sightings yeah all of them came post the manhattan project so once they i think once we started detonating nukes they're like yo these monkeys are lit like what are they doing these [ __ ] crazy [ __ ] they found a spot in nevada and they're just detonating bombs all the time to see how they work but why are they just like kind of being seen sometimes slipping up we see them and then sometimes they're not like why wha what's going on there with
sightings why are they messing up i don't think they are messing up they want us to know that i don't think they're terribly concerned about us seeing them but i don't think they visit that often because i don't look at like i was just reading about this uh scientific research it was for escalante had this uh scientific research where they found this mouse that they thought had been extinct since 1968 is this weird sort of kangaroo-like tiny rodent it has like kangaroo legs and it bounces around and um you know this this is something that people will go and they'll study but they didn't find it since 1968 so how many people are studying it not that many right right so how many aliens there's a little [ __ ] look at him it's so cute adorable look at his christmas little anteater knows i know it's a very and they thought that this they thought this guy was gone yeah yeah now he's back so it says imagine a creature the size of a rat related to an elephant with the legs of a kangaroo that's been lost to science since 1968. that's the somali senji an adorable elephant shrew recently discovered in boy say that word djibouti djibouti researchers from duke lemur center association dibuti nature and the cal academy found that the somali senji not only still exists but appears to be doing well with population numbers appearing to be quite high so but my point is like how many people were looking for that thing it's like a small handful of scientists well how many aliens would come here how many oh yeah you're right maybe yeah not that many yeah we're that little mouse yeah yeah i think so alien i think we're probably more interesting than the mouse because obviously we we have the ability to manipulate the matter pretty cute pretty cute adorable i could have watched that thing just scamper about all day but we we are dangerous we have the ability to destroy all life on the planet like
if if russia shot at us and we shot at them and then china jumped in and said [ __ ] it it's over and everybody just started pressing the nuke buttons this whole planet would be wiped out of life that we'd be we'd be relegated to bacteria right with it quickly what does it matter to them if we destroy ourselves they need us for something this is the question why are we so different from all the other animals on the planet why if you talk to evolutionary biologists there's a clear path between lower hominids and human beings but it's not a path that you could detail every single step of the way and there's some giant holes and one of the big holes is the size of the human brain the human brain doubled over a period of two million years which is apparently if you talk to biologists the biggest mystery in the entire fossil record they have no idea why because not only is it a crazy thing that an organ doubles in size over a period of 2 million years but it's the very organ that came up with the idea of evolution in the first place it's the it's the organ that thinks it's the organ that recognizes consciousness it's the organ that recognizes creativity and allows people to invent things and and you know and innovation and all of the different things that are responsible for all the crazy the crazy technology that separates human beings from all the other animals all comes from this one thing the human mind and this human brain is the one organ that baffles scientists they have no idea what happened there's all these theories about well maybe it was uh psychedelic drugs like that was terence mckenna's theory that it was uh the the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms and then it's other people's theory that it was well we figured out fire we started cooking our foods we had more access to nutrients and then
hunting made people more clever and so the the the more clever ones survived and the ones that that had the larger brain size that mutation was favored and natural selection favored larger brains and then we started another theory is that we're manipulated another theory is that these aliens came here eons ago and they found these primitive primates and they started genetically manipulating them and they created human beings now what makes it interesting to me is that human beings are so different everywhere so different we're we're like dogs in that all dogs can [ __ ] each other and make baby dogs right and all people can [ __ ] each other and make baby people but we look so different like shaquille o'neal can have sex with a four foot ten chinese lady and make a baby yeah if you looked at animals a great dane can have sex with a chihuahua if it's possible or a bulldog and make this like if you looked at a wolf and you looked at a poodle you'd go there's no way that's the same thing right but it is the same thing it is the same thing so why are we different but why is it the same thing it's the same thing because we manipulated them oh yeah that's the only reason why there are german shepherds we forced them to golden retrieve each other yeah we made them that way we made them through manipulation we we slowly but surely turn them and we don't even know how so someone breeded us someone very possibly could have done something to human beings which changed us from these lower hominids and turned us into a bunch of different versions of what we call human beings right i mean that's my theory no but it's but it's it's an odd thing like do you know that most hybrids like even bass like there's bass where like a large mouth bass will breed with a small mouth
bass and they'll make this hybrid but the hybrids aren't viable they don't become a separate species that's the thing about like donkeys like a donkey is it a which one's the is it a mule has sex with a horse and that creates a donkey or is it a a horse has sex with a donkey and that creates a mule i think it's a mule has sex with a horse and creates a donkey but donkeys are sterile they're sterile most hybrids are sterile the difference between okay donkeys are different speeches than a horse same family mules on the other hand are crossed between a horse and a donkey okay that's it so it's a mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey but they're not they're sterile they don't breed so why even have a mule because why do we need it because they're better for riding okay they're they're they're more durable like in the wild west they like to uh cross those two and then people would like a lot of the cowboys from the wild west like uh even some of the texas rangers there they rolled they rode mules okay so the donkey and the horses so they are so we would just to ride and to be a better transport you uh hold on a second which one how does it where go back to where which one is it again the horse and okay horse and a donkey makes a mule yeah so mules are more durable than horses they require less water they can last longer mules gets its athletic ability from a horse and its intelligence from a donkey so mules were were what a lot of these wild west guys would prefer actually okay mules have smoother muscles than horses think of a football player's muscle build compared to that of a ballerinas both are very strong but a mule has greater physical strength for its size and more endurance a mule gets its athletic ability from his horse and not intelligence from a donkey yeah well let's just get rid of horses and donkeys mules sound like they're the best of both the problem is you can only make a
mule with a horse and a donkey oh because mules can't they can't separate each other right but we can which is weird we can have sex with you yes well yeah but we can have sex with each other like you know we can have sex with people that don't look anything can make something that can have sex yes like if you looked at certain people you would assume that they're like if you looked at uh yao ming right right the giant tall dude yes and you looked at a a small man from ecuador you would assume there's no way that's the same species if you were from another planet and you had no idea what a human is you'd be like oh this is a different thing yeah yeah yeah but it's not a different thing okay it's just a different version of that same thing yes but like a liger which is a cross between a tiger and a lion they don't breed they can't breed they have useless sperm it's what about bulldogs and like all those dogs that have really they can breed they can breathe yeah they get well they're just [ __ ] they just manipulated them and made their nose [ __ ] up and they can't walk like asthma and i know they can't breathe they're always they're so trouble [ __ ] i feel so sad for them a terrible thing but someone made them that way they they selected for that you know and then also you know obviously people their their bodies adapted to like people that are really white well the reason why they're white is because people originated in africa made their way to places where there's no sun and so their body developed this sort of like a solar panel for vitamin d that's why that's why people are so white they're white because it's easier this is one of the reasons why african americans have a real issue with vitamin d because if you live in a place like say seattle or new york city where there's not a lot of sun african americans their their bodies are designed to protect themselves from the
sun which is why they have so much melanin but it makes it harder to absorb vitamin d particularly when you're wearing all these clothes and it's cold out and it's cloudy so it's incredibly important for them to supplement with vitamin d when they're in these climates where it's very cloudy now how do you get your d you're going out you take it outside yeah i go outside too but i take it i take vitamin d every day like a pill yeah i take five thousand yeah i take a gel cap it's five thousand ius i take it twice a day it's varying vitamin d is very important with coconut but isn't the absorption of d dependent on how much iron you have like i just feel like it just goes through you unless you have all the other stuff you do need the other stuff you well you need fat like most of these muscle most of these um vitamins rather they're fat soluble some of them are water soluble but they digest better with food because that's really normally where you're getting them other than d which is where you get from the sun yeah but dr rhonda patrick she explained it to me in a really interesting way she said it really is a hormone vitamin d is we call it a vitamin and you could take it as a supplement but it is a hormone and it's responsible for so many different things in the body and particularly for the immune system and when you don't have vitamin d in your system your immune system is very vulnerable yeah so they were saying that there's all these studies that correlated with this they're saying that out of people that were in the icu for covid more than 80 percent of them in multiple studies had insufficient levels of vitamin d and only four percent had sufficient levels okay which is really crazy well then there we go yeah vitamin d zinc and vitamin c they they're saying are the three most uh significant vitamins for uh dealing with uh are you are you are you
scared of getting it giving it giving it giving it yeah me too i'm scared of giving it to like my wife's mom or right or a guest i feel horrible yeah so i'm i'm tested so much god damn it i get tested a lot yeah yeah every i just you and i both did it that was fun yeah but i mean i've had this is my fourth test this week whoa yeah yeah yeah cause i did the thing at the comedy store so i got tested then during the day and then i got tested again you know i just i've been tested i don't know how many times i've been tested since the the whole thing start but i'm fortunate that i could have you know the concierge md service thing right it's uh what did you do at the common store the other night i saw people hanging out though it's for the documentary for showtime oh yeah yeah it was interesting yeah really fun was it fun to hang out again it was fun that was the most fun i saw pictures yeah it was like whitney and annie letterman and bill burr and jay leno was there and paul rodriguez and we were all just laughing even jay leno's coming out he misses doing i heard him say [ __ ] really oh yeah he's trying out jokes on us too yeah he was happy to be out we were all happy to be out yeah it looked like i thought it was a tbt the pictures from that i was like oh the old day what that's two nights ago yeah yeah two nights ago i miss it yeah they're going to survive right who [ __ ] knows i don't know how the laugh actor is going to survive right laugh factory was struggling already and the improv was struggling already i mean these people are getting they're getting loans these businesses and stuff but i mean how many [ __ ] businesses need loans they should have just opened it up and let people come if they wanted to come let people work if they wanted to work wear a mask you know check everybody check their temperature
when they come in the door when you go to texas if you go to a restaurant they just check your temperature they check your temperature you wear a mask when you come in they distance all the tables out and they stay open yeah and they're not making a lot of money they're not making as much money as they used to they don't have nearly as many tables open but they stay open you gotta give businesses the option to work give people the option to work give people the option to go out if they want to go out this idea that they're just gonna tell us what's best for us but they're not telling us what's best for us because they're not telling us all the [ __ ] that we're just talking about with vitamins right and there's no talk of that there is no one knows anything i'm getting all of this from you right now there's nowhere it's all you can just one place go and get everything you need to know and people get pissed at me for repeating these things but listen i'm repeating these things they don't know people don't hear it you're not going to hear it anywhere else if you've heard it from me 30 times i'm sorry it just means you like the podcast you listen but the reality is there's not a lot of other sources where you're getting this information i try to put it out as much as possible and i try to direct people to folks like rhonda patrick who will tell you exactly what the studies are and she sent me something recently there's another correlation study between vitamin d and covid and how vitamin d the actual mechanisms of how vitamin d protects you and it protects your immune system from covet yeah vitamin d zinc sea but you should take all those things you should drink a [ __ ] load of water how many vitamins do you take why are you taking just like fistfuls every morning what's your regimen i take a bunch of different things i take there's a supplement called athletic greens i take that
it's really good first of all that's really easy because you just pour it into a bottle of water and i shake it up and i just drink it yeah you know and it tastes good so that's that's really easy for me and that covers basically everything but i always supplement with d and i always supplement with large amounts of c because those are two in zinc because those are c zinc and d are the ones that are directly connected to the immune system for kovid but c is like if you have a colds like c is one of the best for keeping everything like that's why things like emergency and all those things exist like c is just a great one for your overall immune system and taking care of yourself when you're sick so and but i just think like having levels of all those things like fish oil that's a giant one yeah inflammation fighting cbd i take that every day i take cbd every day yeah you have cbd drinks these cbd kill cliffs do you like cbd i need no i i mean i like smoking weed and i feel like i get enough from that i'm sure you do you get a lot i mean i just quit smoking weed two months ago why because i just am trying to figure out my mental health and get a figure out what the hell is wrong i mean that's why i mean that's why i'm sitting here right now is because i was having a very tough time and i tweeted something kind of crazy that i wanted to shave my head because i really do like i just feel like something something needs to change i need to do something wild i don't know why i'm compelled my hair has been falling out i think just from stress and i'm just like i'm tired of pulling chunks of hair out it's just it's distressing really that you're losing that much hair i mean i well i've just started only like washing my hair once a week so when i do wash it it's like so much comes out because it's been a week of just no strands coming out and you lose 100 hairs a day so
once a week i wash my hair and it just feels like i'm just you know that i was in a fight or something and someone like i mean it's and i just put it i put it on the wall and i just it stresses me out so much and so i was like i'm just gonna shave it and i'm not going to but i did just kind of want to put out a tweet that just sometimes when i'm feeling depressed i just need to let people know or just kind of synthesize my feelings through that way and i don't do it to like make anyone concerned about me but it really meant a lot to me that you reached out to me and i was completely taken aback by it that you you sensed my dilemma well i know you and so there was something when you were saying also there's no friend yeah and i was like let me just reach out to nikki it was so nice and then it turned into this yeah i mean i i when i when i tweeted it i was just like don't put this out there hate when people tweet like cries for help and then what was the funny cry for help at least thank you i try to at least be funny with them but um i it just really irritates me it's like just just reach out to your friends if you need help don't put out a tweet that makes everyone worried about you so a couple people reached out to me like hey are you okay but it was yours that um it really touched me because we don't like text regularly but that was like it was just such a real like loving text yeah i know that really meant a lot to me and i was going through a really [ __ ] bad time last week this time last week i was not in a good place thankfully i came out of it but i keep getting hit by depression like in a major way i've been trying to reach out to a lot of friends uh lately over the last two months like just send uh what's up man you good it's really nice just a nice little just hey how are you in a lot of hugs there's so many people that haven't been hugging no one's touching
each other anymore weird you know so and no one can see each other smile when they hang out they're wearing masks i mean we all feel so disconnected um i'm living with my parents in st louis i my whole social life was comedy like that i don't i didn't really have friends outside of it the only thing that's saving me is this yeah me too like doing podcasts and zooming with people and doing different um just face timing thank god for it but it's i miss the connection where the [ __ ] would you what would we do with no cell phones and no face time what the where the [ __ ] would we be with no skype where would we be i don't know like that is giant for me face timing just being able to like just see people what's up and see their smile yeah we doing it we need it and um yeah and it's weird to just hang out with my nieces and nephews and they're like uh three and one and then we have to wear a mask around them and you can't they can't even see your smile you can't touch them that's really bad weird for kids they must be like why is my aunt not touching me anymore my i can't hug my w if i even get close to my grandparents i hear no no no no it's like this is gonna be scarring but the weird thing about it is if everybody's just tested why can't you just hang out like what what are we worried about like invisible ghosts that come in and invade people's bodies and then you're not if you don't have it you don't have it yeah you know but you worry that between the time you got tested and the time you're seeing that person you might have gone to the gas station and touched a nozzle or you're not getting it that way they don't think you get it that way from surfaces i know we've wasted so many clorox wipes they've kind of abandoned that have you noticed like they don't even talk about hand sanitizers hand sanitizer no no one cares about that anymore it's just a mask yeah it's just a respiratory issue yeah
it's just coming out of your mouth and into someone else's mouth i'm so annoyed i flew here from st louis the other day and just sitting at my gate and it's mandatory to wear a mask on the plane now but people before before they get on that plane they're just sitting there without their mask on at the gate just like really just trying to stir up [ __ ] just trying to get away because they everyone around you is wearing a mask how could you not wear one you think that's what they're doing yeah they just they they want to prove that they're not falling for it and they're better than you and they're it's so deliberate and it makes me sick and it's it's hard because i want to shoot them a dirty look but they can't really see how much i hate them on my face because it's covered by a mask so i really try to squint my eyes just like you [ __ ] i was so furious the other day just people with the loose mask down by their nose i had a driver the other day that had his nose exposed and i just him like hey can you you pull it up over your nose the only way it works like do i really have to you haven't seen that meme yet with the guy with his dick at like how has that not gotten to you that that's how you wear a mask yeah people just it's it's i don't know i everyone i'm i'm staying in marina del rey everyone walking outside is wearing a mask which i think is a little much just like walking down the sidewalk we don't need it when it's sunny out there yeah this the the disease the virus dies instantly and when it's exposed to sunlight okay what why why don't we know that joe i don't know but uh brett weinstein who's a biologist sent me this paper where they showed that it dies instantly in when it's almo or almost instantly what's in contact with uh fake sunlight like ultraviolet light and also also actual sunlight so when you're in sunlight
like you're if you're outside like you're that's why the closing the beach is so [ __ ] stupid like it's sunny like you're not at risk as long as you're not like in someone's face you're not going to get it and did they see a spike after the protest yeah after all for sure that was there was a 50 percent it has to be but that was in the sunlight outside what did they stop as soon as it turns dark out no that's true of course not oh right they were right when people were saying that to me i'm like what the [ __ ] are you talking about is everybody cinderella oh my god i'm going to be young about something if we we can just protest and gather outside when it's light up but but even then people are screaming right yeah it's different circumstances that's just like spewing droplets everywhere if you don't have a mask on and you're screaming and other people are screaming and then there's people yelling at each other so they're in each other's faces there's like very little chance you're not going to get some spread if you get what you know i don't forget it was it ben shapiro said it was like having a music festival in every city for three weeks in a row i mean it really was it's like you constantly had protests yeah so if you have that many people it look it's not a coincidence that it spiked right afterwards but nobody wants to say it because nobody wants to be insensitive yeah no one talked about it i remember the protest going on and we were all like oh we'll see in three weeks and then i don't remember hearing about the spike that's a [ __ ] for sure spike that's when everything got shut down in l.a everything got shut down the hospital's got phil again there's the cases rose look at all it has to be either it's contagious or it's not okay if it's contagious and you get a bunch of people together they're going to give it to each other right there's no way around it it's not
saying that it's not a a good cause and that it wasn't important to protest yeah all those things are true but understand that that's what happened yeah i don't think you should stop people from protesting but i also don't think you should stop people from working i don't think you should stop people from going to the gym you should give people the opportunity to do whatever they want to do that's what america is supposed to be about right the problem is the hospitals the icu beds and all that stuff restaurants respirators but they don't even use respirators anymore one of the things they're finding with respirators is the vast majority of the people that put on respirators died yeah because when you're at that point not necessarily according to michael yo's doctor he told him if i put you on a respirator you're gonna die because your body's gonna stop working because because you need to breathe for you right yeah and then still stop fighting get off the respirator it's hard for your body to breathe huh yeah so they thought you needed respirators right that was the big thing right then now they've adjusted that position they don't they don't think it's a good idea to put people on respirators anymore unless they're like really bad like they're about to die right yeah it's that's life support yes exactly so now they use more like cpap machines which are just they give you squares sleep apnea yes yeah so instead of breathing for you it just introduces more oxygen into your system okay so that and you know there's so many things that we thought in the beginning that our mask thing it's like i don't care if you're sitting at my gate and you don't believe in masking you think we're all so crazy and we're all just sheep wearing masks just everyone around you is doing it just do it if just to be polite even if you don't believe
cause like i was saying like walking today outside and seeing people with masks on i was kind of like i think this is kind of stupid but i felt like out of respect for them i'm gonna wear a mask even though i don't think i really need to be wearing it i'm gonna do it so that's all i ask people to do is just if someone around you if i go over to someone's house and they they want me to take my shoes off but i don't really believe in doing that i'm still going to do it because they do it yeah just to be nice yes and i mean and i i just think the peer pressure have you i've early when this was happening i was like getting invited to like social distance barbecues and things like that when they were like just trying it out and going over to these things and be under the understanding that we're all going to stay six feet apart and wear masks and then you get there and people are hugging and people are close and you just kind of feel peer pressured into doing it well people go back to the normal patterns normal patterns is you know especially when people are drinking yeah the drinking yeah like we know what's [ __ ] up was like the trump rally when he had that big rally when he had it in a stadium no one was wearing a mask and then herman cain died i know and they were like well it could have been many of the place he was or even though it's like could have been to that one place with 10 000 people all in one place yeah yeah but i mean even i go into these parties being like i'm gonna keep my distance i'm only going if it's done right and then i get there and you feel so stupid being the only one who has a mask on or and you feel it's hard to stand up for yourself sometimes i'm like fine spit in my mouth i guess we used to do that well if there was these tests where you could do it
instantaneously and then you know you could just have them at comedy clubs yes you just have people take a test as they're walking through the door aren't those coming out soon the white house has them really yeah like an immediate test yeah my friend went to the white house and they test them and you have it within a couple of minutes all right well that'll solve a lot of issues that would be everything if you just had like a giant you know a line where everybody's spread out by six feet you test them on the line you know you write your name down or or you have to register maybe the show is at eight you have to show up at seven and get tested and then you could be there at eight look it could be inconvenient but it's way better than having no show and then you could go there and no one could have a mask you'd have a regular club and ever have the place packed it's possible i can't believe i took that for granted so much well i don't you just always thought it would be you'd be able to do that you could think i thought anything else could happen in my career i'll always have stand up to fall back on well everybody thought that and everybody like how many people didn't have a podcast how many people didn't have any if i didn't have a podcast i would be first of all i'd be bouncing off the walls i wouldn't know what the [ __ ] to do and then i would be at a point where i was thinking like hey i gotta make a living yeah like what do i need to do to make maybe i need to get a regular job like how many comics are getting jobs a lot of them you can't get a job in show business because they're not feeling anything so just so what would you do teach i would have to i'd go to no i can't even teach martial arts because gyms are close right it's like what would i teach and if you teach you got to do it over zoom now to be a good teacher nobody wants to oh my god if you want to get paid to teach over zoom good luck nobody wants to pay for that yeah
well i mean i'm think yeah thank god for podcasting thank god you know i'm trying to write a goddamn book have you have you written a book no why haven't you written a book well i got a deal to write a book once and the the editors were so annoying i gave them their money back yeah just like hey do you have these pages yet hey we look like just they based it on some stuff that i wrote on my blog that was you know sometimes funny just but but weird just thoughts that i had yeah and uh but then once i started turning in stuff they're like we want to transcribe your stand-up because jerry seinfeld did that and and and and uh [ __ ] who else did it george carlin and i'm like look george carlin did it because he needed money all right he broke taxes and i don't know why seinfeld did it they probably just paid him and he said okay but i'm like i'm not doing that like if i'm writing i want to write a book you're going to write it's supposed to be consumed in book form stand up is supposed to be consumed on stage that's that's they're different things it really helped me though reading those stand-up kind of transcribed stand-up books when i first started stand up to like read jokes and like learn the craft of writing a joke and the consolidation of words like i turned to those books where like people would just take stand up and and write it down but yeah yeah beyond that i from a comedian i think they it's it's an easy way out to repeat like when i first started doing stand-up one of the things that i used to do is i would do other people's bits for my friends mm-hmm like i do a kindest bit or a richard pryor bit for one of my friends and like that sort of got me into like the rhythm of stand up and then i read that hunter s thompson when he was learning how to write he would literally write down the great gatsby line for line so he would sit there
and and re-type the great gatsby just so he can get an idea of the rhythm of the pro yeah yeah i've been doing that recently with stand-up like i've stepped away from watching stand-up but i've been watching it again just because i need to remember how to do it and why i love it and and so much i think of who i became as a stand-up started out just like trying to copy people yeah just trying to figure out how do you do this and watching it so much and ending up sounding like a mixture of all the people that i loved so much yeah that's always weird right the beginning you're always like a copy of the people you admire yeah i mean i still look at some of the things i do and i'm like oh that you picked that up from silverman yeah yeah you picked that up from uh gaff again yeah hedberg i mean you're just a mixture of everyone that you love and then eventually you gain some autonomy and you figure out stuff that works for you and who is truly you but even my own personality before i did stand up is all based upon me ripping off the popular girls the way they talked and the way they acted of course there was one girl that had like kind of a lazy eye in my in my high school who like was really hot and like all the guys liked and i started like kind of like having i would just do it i would just try to like have like a slightly like it would just happen because i was like trying to get any way to for people to like me there was another girl who talked like a baby and i would just like start talking like this and like no people liked her because she was hot not because her voice was like a baby so i just i really am if if i listen to someone too much i start i start sounding like them and and copying them it's a real problem that's why sometimes i can't watch some of the stand-ups i love because i just start sounding like them but i can't help it i just dated a girl
out of kind of a lazy eye and she was really hot and i had like a fetish for lazy eyes for a while okay well there we go she had like a one slightly lazy eye and i just thought it was really hot afterwards because she was a freak so like i just associated lazy was she a freak like what would she do really horny oh yeah she's just really sexual like all the time just wanted all the time i wanted to do weird stuff yeah i wanted to get stuffed yeah she was all the time really horny that's so funny yeah and i was 21 and she said you were down she was older than me too so it was uh it was interesting how much older a couple years like she was 25 when i was 21. when you were young what was the oldest you went did you ever i think i dated a girl was 35 when i was like 23 okay one in a couple days with yeah but it's usually like you're just getting used by some chick who wants to get gorilla [ __ ] it's usually some woman who's tired of like dating guys who work in an office or something she goes and finds them see i have young guys coming after me and i feel like they're using me so that they can just like somehow have a story about like [ __ ] an older woman and i don't want to be that like that's interesting i i don't want to why wouldn't you just think they're attracted to you because you're confident and intelligent um because i think it's some weird fetish they have where they like they are they had a speech therapist that they like got boners for and i remind them of her i like theirs i think that you're sexy why wouldn't you just decide i don't know because i just don't look at myself that way i cannot there are certain times where i do feel really sexy and i um and i ca i can feel that way but generally when someone's into me i go what's going on here what do you want
because it can't be that you want to have sex with me even though i know i'm an attractive girl and like i work on being attractive it's not like i'm i don't think i'm a dog you're suspicious yeah i'm suspicious and you want to know why because sometimes i'm [ __ ] right and especially since i've gotten a little bit more famous if that happens and i and because it as i've gotten a little slightly more famous my self-esteem has risen a bit in terms of just i like myself and i'm like oh maybe this guy does like me for me and then it happens that they just want an autograph from you or they want honestly someone wrote me that today and a guy that has been interested in me and asking me out a ton and he just wrote me today like hey i heard you're gonna be on rogan um if there's any chance you could get an autograph from him that would be so cool thank you so and i just wrote back no like just no with nothing else and it felt so good no and you don't even bother putting a period no i didn't say no i'm sorry no i don't feel comfortable doing that no no no but that that's happened before so you worry that they look at you as being someone who's got a high profile and maybe if they connect themselves to you it can help their life in some way they'll get to [ __ ] other girls in their social circle because they said they [ __ ] a girl that was on celebrity game night playing badminton with bob saget i mean that's how i feel is that and i'm not wrong like this does happen there was another instance where a guy got a pic a guy thought liked me and i do think he likes me but he got a picture with me and i guess we we both weren't wearing masks in the picture i guess we were too close to each other and he couldn't post the picture because he felt like it would be bad a bad look for me we're not wearing masks but we were like for me i was like we're far enough apart
but do what you want and um and he's and i go okay he's like oh so i'm not gonna post it i was like okay that's totally fine and then um he's like but i would really like to see you again like i really liked hanging out with you i'd love to take you out sometime and i was like hey i just don't think i'm in a point in my life or i want to be dating right now and he goes well can we just meet up to get a picture oh so it happens ew it happens a lot it happens can we meet up just to get a picture so now i'll let everybody know i know you yeah uh or and then and then this what i see is him getting that picture and then going back to like show the girls that he really wants to bang their or his age at some party and he's like i got a picture with nikki glazer and they're like we don't know who she is what is she like ew she's like 36 and then they all make fun of me and that's like that's the only thing i have in my head oh no i watched her special wasn't even funny and like that's i just see them all making fun of me and like how pathetic that i am that i've like [ __ ] a younger kid like i shouldn't say the word kid i think he's like 25. which is not that's not that bad no he can for a guy that's standard he's going to love that i'm talking about him i really want to change the subject isn't that so that's the worst part to talk about these people then they then they're so excited i'm going to get a text as soon as i'm out of here hey it's going to be like no there was some animosity between us i swear i really did want to spend time with you i think you're really great i wanted to take a picture with you just because i think you're awesome i just wanted to document the fact that i know you there was this guy on a plane a couple weeks ago and i met him at my gate and usually when i fly i just like put on my headphones and like sleep mask and i just try to stay i don't want anyone talking about mouth mask and sleep mask oh my god and face shield i've been
wearing the shield yeah i want to make a statement that like i hate all of you not wearing a mask and now i have to doubly protect myself and look what you've made me do um i want to send that message i love wearing the shield at first i felt stupid now i feel cool and if anyone's going to judge me they can't recognize me they can't even see me in there so it's great so usually but when i fly even pre-covet i would just always kind of i just didn't want anyone talking to me i've been caught in conversations on planes with people and it's just brutal it's brutal and i learned the hard way but like years and years ago some people just don't stop and you can never close your eyes you can never relax these do close your eyes and they still talk yeah or they you put your sleep mats down there talking you have to lift it back up and you just have to eventually say i just don't want to talk but this one guy sat next to me at my gate and um i i feel bad because he heard me talk about him on whitney's podcast and he felt really bad that this happened but whatever but it just this this i want to just tell you that it happened i was sitting at my gate it was a hot guy sat down next to me and i took off my headphones i made like my head accessible like i kept my mask on but i took out my headphones to be like if you want to talk to me definitely could and i did i said there was like some i don't i don't know there was a gate announcement that was kind of funny and i just like muttered something to myself like making fun of the woman talking trying to get this guy to like laugh or just spark up a conversation and he was just like hey i i'm a big fan and i was like really i was like oh my gosh thanks i was like what do you know me from like what do you he's like i love your show and i'm like what show and he's like your podcast and i was like oh this guy knows me because my podcast it's
like i do it every day it's really like it's like reading my diary i don't even like my friends to listen to it it's just too much so i was like oh this guy like accepts me for me and he likes it he's like tall hot i can't see half of his face but i like he's cute he looks good what you see looks good yeah and i never ever meet guys like out in public i've never been someone that like has chatted up a guy at my gate or like on the plane it just never happens to me and so i'm like yes you start chatting up and it's like going really well and and i'm flying southwest so there's no like boarding order and or no there is uh i'm i'm like the first to board but there's no there's no seat assignment so he says to me um save me a seat next to you let's let's continue this conversation on the plane so i'm getting on the plane and i'm like listen i want to sleep i need to sleep and i was gonna but i got i gotta find a husband and this might be the one like i gotta i gotta put myself out there i've been so closed off for so many years so i get on that plane and we we're chatting we're having like a really good time he's like funny and nice and interesting similar interests and you know he he lives on the west coast but i'm like i can move anywhere like i'm down let's do this and um and it's it's it's flirty but it's not like there's nothing over the top but i i was just like i kept thinking i didn't see a ring on his finger there's no mention of a girlfriend and then finally i'm like we need to switch this to like a flirty kind of we need to talk about dating or something to get us in that kind of vein of conversation and i said something like so have you been dating during covet and this is two and a half hours into the flight and he's like oh well i have a i have a girlfriend who i live with and i was just i i almost started crying because not because i was like oh i'm this guy
i thought i was gonna be with him but because i just could have been sleeping that entire time and i wasted this i don't want to talk to anyone well there's no other way to know i you could have mentioned her but five minutes in well why if he just thought that you thought that he was a fan and you he wanted to talk to you if there's no flirting i just want to talk to a fan for that why maybe just because he's an interesting person and you're bored how would he know that you were tired no it wasn't his fault it wasn't his fault it was my fault to get my hopes up but that's too far into a conversation to not trust you got you're talking to a girl who you know is single you sound like a guy age-appropriate dude you sound like a girl i do yeah yeah yeah it's not fair i'm talking to her for [ __ ] two hours and then finally she says i have a boyfriend i live with my [ __ ] what the [ __ ] i bought you three drinks already yeah yeah i'm i'm that guy don't waste my time don't waste my money if you have a girlfriend it's just it's i was really ticked off but he's a fan though you are a public person you are a professional what was going on but nikki you have fans you sell out all over the country it had been many months since i had been on stage i've been living with my parents for four months i forgot who i was oh that's so funny and i was so i was so excited i was so sad and i continued the conversation because then i go you know what nicky why can't you just get to know someone and relationships fail he has a girlfriend it's not like he's married like i'm sorry his kids are going to grow up they're going to get out of the house eventually yes whatever i can wait years yeah it's no big deal i'll plant that seed if guys a girlfriend i don't dig a hole i'm not gonna like outwardly
flirt with a guy or like try to break up a relationship i mean i would never do that but if a guy is a girlfriend i'll still like have a flirty conversation because mostly just conversations most things don't lie most well everything doesn't last well yeah that's true everything your life but if a guy's married then i'm like okay i'm gonna have no hope a story about a couple that dated when they were in high school and then they got married they married other people broke up the whole deal went through lives and then got married again when they were in their late 70s that is sweet i like that it's kind of adorable yeah it is kind of adorable like they decide like well we've been [ __ ] around all this time yeah what have we been doing i know i feel like you know i've been i've been circling the same guy for a really long time how long i've only had a shark yeah well like a cat got like a like that is extinct mouse scampering about people haven't seen me since the 60s like i just it's not uh yeah it's a i've i've only really had one um actual relationship and we have just we've gotten we got back together back and forth for like five or six years just broke up and got back together broke up and got back together and then fi we haven't been together for over like three years now but we slept together for a while even after that but we haven't slept together for like a year and some change and um any and oddly enough he just moved back to saint louis too we both met in new york city but he just and he's living with his parents too oh perfectly as we're both looking to what we're gonna do next yeah you think it is perfect but he won't have sex with me what i know because i think he like is gay cares about me and like doesn't want to right upset me because i tend to have sex with someone and then i get my hopes up a little bit i mean i got my hopes up on a plane with a conversation
with the guy i was like planning our future together what were you thinking what was like the ultimate goal like you're seeing the babies you're seeing the whole thing no it's just like he was talking about his family and i was like picturing meeting them and he mentioned like moving to san diego and i was like kind of annoyed because i'm like we haven't even talked about san diego yet like i'm not even joking you mentioned some things that i'm like well you don't even know that i want to go there but i would but he that's weird that he would just say that so yeah i mean i i really do i as soon as i start talking to a guy i start picturing our future i picture like walking down the aisle to him um yeah i get ahead of myself well that's maybe that's not the opposite okay what's your opposite is like never thinking you're ever going to be in a relationship and every guy you talk to never imagining that it's ever going to go anywhere yeah yeah so at least i have some hope yeah you're hopeful i do have hope yeah you're hopeful so this guy this guy cares about you so he won't hook up with you because he doesn't want to get your hopes up yeah it's really nice because every time every time we hung out hang out together i'm always like can we please just have sex like i haven't had sex in 17 months now it's so long joe you won't just hook you up no well we i know it's terrible i i'm and and and i'm really i mean i could get laid it's not a pro like there are guys that would gladly [ __ ] me but i i just don't i don't feel comfortable having random sex i'm not good at it i need to really like someone and he just knows how to get it done and we've done it so many times it just feels like it would be so easy yeah but i don't but he's right i probably would think oh my god we're going to be
something we're going to get back together and then my heart would get broken again so it might not be worth it but what does he do he's a um he works in radio he's he's on he was a pr producer behind the scenes producer we met on um a show that i had on mtv and then we created a show together on comedy central and then um and then that show got canceled and then we got cancelled and then he uh now he's on the radio in st louis he's like a broadcaster now and um yeah so he's a good guy he is a good guy thinking about it that way yeah cause most guys if a girl's like can we please have sex like um that's it just sex yeah that's it yeah and i've said that before so many times like that's all i that's all i want i don't want anything more than that that's so not true though i you get to learn men have to learn that that's not really true ever um i mean i've only had a couple times ever in my life but i was younger and stupid where a girl said i just want sex but then after you give it to him they generally that's not really the case no because i think women develop like intimacy bonds with men in a different way like like we were talking earlier about um not that i think i know right or it's general generalizing but um we're talking about uh using like men do not care if you use them it means zero like if a woman is like i just want to use you for sex guys like okay yeah like it doesn't it's not there's no negative connotation like if if you are walking by a girl and her friends and she used you for sex and she tells her friends yeah i [ __ ] that guy just for the sex and the guy's there he's like he's not gonna feel bad but if a girl walks by and a guy's hanging out with his friends i was like yeah i just use her for sex she's gonna be like oh she's gonna feel terrible the guy wouldn't feel bad at all unless he's really weird
obviously we're generalizing again sure but most men are not going to have an issue with that i don't know i just got kind of horned up when you said when you when i pictured passing a guy and someone said i just used her for sex that kind of was exciting he got excited about that because he doesn't want anything i'm scared of intimacy in a big way so i do like the idea of just being used and like oh someone just doesn't want to get to know me the problem is if you get rocked right and it's fun and you enjoy it and you actually have a good time like you gotta assume too if you're having sex with someone you don't hate them yeah you like them as a person a problem you have to like someone have sex with them and then you have sex with them you just then now you like them and you had sex and then here's the other problem if you like them more than they like you then you get upset like a lot of times people when they get rejected by someone they feel pain they feel pain of either being rejected or neglected and then they associate that pain with something negative that the person has done even if they haven't really done anything negative and then they get angry at that person and you're like i didn't do anything that's why you just abused me for sex and you're like ah yep no we had sex it's not even like i would feel like i was getting used but i would just be so disappointed like why don't you want more with me why wouldn't you want to marry why don't you want to spend time with me all the time why don't you want to be my man and um and that's the problem but what he does do that makes me feel great is like i j he always says i want to make it clear i want to [ __ ] you so bad you look like he'll tell me all the things that i need to hear that essentially just kind of get you juiced up yeah like it makes me feel as good as if i got dick down okay so he says all the things i want to but the problem yeah
like you look so good this is what i do to you this is what i want to do smash it yes and then i leave feeling like oh okay like still good good he is a good guy and um and i like that [ __ ] on the [ __ ] plane no that guy was so good too that poor guy wrote to me because we exchanged numbers because like i said plant that seed his relationship might fall especially now that you've talked about on two different podcasts no he's going to be so he's going to text me again bob is that you i know okay if his girlfriend is listening i just want to say he did nothing inappropriate he never flirted with there was nothing he did that if he were my boyfriend i'd be like he shouldn't have done that so the he behaved like a true gentleman did not flirt with me i run into it way too way too much but i mean what are you gonna do i don't know what i'm gonna do i'm on raya i'm on um rai is a celebrity celebrities right i like a blue check mark and it's not because i like guys that are famous because they're famous and i want to be famous it has nothing to maybe it has like a little bit to do with that i'm not gonna say it has nothing to do with that yeah there's something hot about a guy being extremely successful in other people thinking that he's cool okay yes i'll give you that i think it's because i get i can i can know them before i go into the date right i can watch their stuff i i feel like i've already acquainted with them that's why i like a blue check mark it validates like i can get to know you before i go on a date i don't like going into these things blind so that's that's why i like a blue check but there's no one in st louis that's on the goddamn app no one no not one person um really honestly no there's no one in st louis on them where are they all new york and l.a yeah or like stockholm i mean it's all over the globe it's global and so i'm connecting with some guys on
that and and when i come to and then i just always get so busy when i come here i don't want to go on a first date with someone i just want to hang out with my friends that i haven't seen in forever i've been i've been into this book lately it's called irresistible it's about uh addictions downloaded it because i saw you recommend it and oh my god it's heavy right yeah i'm really scared one of the things i was thinking about when i was going through it um uh is dating apps like that's kind of the same you're addicted to those they have to be like how many people are having these random encounters because of dating apps yeah how many people are it's like swiping left which one is good uh right right is good right means you like them yeah so do you go to the right you swipe them right so you go right you go right okay right yeah you switch from left to right yes you go from yeah they're in the middle and then you swipe them right or you swipe them left and that means you like them left means no you're garbage i never want to see you again and right means let's do it and sometimes you go too fast on the left because sometimes you're just like oh what does this app think what if you [ __ ] up and you go oh i should have went right on that guy oh you go back i feel like rose on the titanic and jack just fell into the abyss like i really feel like my husband i'm just like what did i do like sometimes you go too fast because sometimes i'm just like ugh and then you laying in bed going what if it was him and you can't go back um you can't you can shake the app very gently shake it yeah you just like go like because at first i was going like bring it back and it wouldn't work because people told me just shake it it'll come back and it wouldn't work but then i realized you have to like do one solid you have to be like in control of yourself and then then it'll come back and then you see him wearing a tank top and you swipe him left again you're like oh my
god disgusting tank tops are gross no i mean there's always i just find something about a guy that i can be like i can't deal with that he'll like say his dog is his best friend or my mom thinks i'm a catch or you know some part of his personality is based on a food he loves just anything kind of dependable like that or like i love to get lost in a good book or just something shut up i love i want to i want to cook for you whenever a guy writes that i'm just like oh you're poor i get i mean like you take me to a restaurant i don't want to watch you cook let's just go sit down and i don't want to watch you have to like just because you got you know one of those meal kit delivery services i have to sit and watch you chop cilantro and talk about your connection with your nephew that i'm never going to remember because we're never going to see each other again just take me to a restaurant i don't know some these guys are just trying their best i try i just like get so angry at these apps so funny the thing that gets mad it gets you mad guys yeah i get mad at guys a cook i eventually cook for me but like just shut up i don't care i i don't really don't and i don't cook it's not like i'm gonna take care of that so i guess i would like a guy who cooks but i'd rag more like a guy who just like i don't know what i want i'm really this isn't fair to anyone i don't know what i want i want a guy who i already know oh my god and i can hang around with and then develop a crush on and then i decide when we're going to take it to the next level you just want to be the boss kind of i want to be the one to be like okay now we can even though i tend to like it when guys make the first move and kind of are a little bit across what the [ __ ] you want i'm all over the place i don't know what the [ __ ] i want i got i got a guy who's crying over here so am i i just can't nothing can come out i'm
crying it's not disrespectful laughter no it's it's i know it's sad i got a guy right now who um he's like a he's a i would say we're talking an a-lister here yeah one of my first not my first but he's definitely he's definitely up there i've known about him for years been a fan and we connected and um he just wants to sext with me and like have face time sex and stuff like that like that's what he's without physical sex well he lives in los angeles and i live in st louis whenever i'm available or in his area he doesn't seem to want to meet up so oh it's just always he checks on him in on me every couple weeks and it's just like have you been intimate with this person no oh we met him one time in person and then it went right to texting that's that's weird someone who that's weird i know i don't like it either i'm like can we hang out in person and then maybe i can virtually jerk you off or whatever you want me to walk you through whatever it is you're doing to yourself um but i mean i just made the mistake of getting him off one time when he was texting like he always texted me at like 3am oh and he's just like how are you feeling like just checking in on my well-being in the middle of the night and um it's not it's nice i really do think he like cares about me but like there's some kind of weird and we both have intimacy issues we've declared that to each other so something's going on there and we can't even see each other i mean i live in st louis with my parents and he's in here and um well you're here right now i know i didn't let him know i was here but i just ha i didn't tell you i'm gonna find out when you talk about him on this podcast and millions of people hear about it no no no no no no no no no no no no
he'll know he'll know good you're listening aren't you friends with nikki yeah she's on the podcast talking about no i don't think he tells anyone i doubt he's told anyone that we're friends or texts but he tells one guy maybe one guy yeah well let him know let your friend know that i'm talking about him but he's i'm your friend i do i i like he's he's well we did this one thing the other night because he texts me and then he wants to like have sex and i'm just it takes me a little bit of time to get like really horny for someone she definitely just wants to jump into it right i would just like to maybe just talk on the phone get to know each other or go out like a regular person right i would like that too on a date i one time i i wouldn't pre-covet he was in new york and i was like let's meet up and he was like are you flirting with me and i was like oh this has been going on a while i guess so prove it's five six months yeah yeah jesus it's just off it's off and on it's every couple months this guy like remembers that i exist it's really he doesn't like me there's no future here he watched my special and he was like i think before my special he didn't think much of anything and then he watched my special and i talked so much about sex he like thinks that i'm super super sexual even though i haven't had sex in like so long i don't even know well i think you're sexual but also sensitive that's what's going on it's not that you're not sexual you're sensitive you don't want to get hurt and you're also smart and you're you know you've lived on this planet long enough to know what [ __ ] you up and what doesn't so you're careful yes it's not that you're not sexual okay i like you're pretty you're pretty sexual really yeah i would say you're very sexual oh good i felt i haven't felt that way and i haven't hooked up in so long yeah but you're not you're not around someone yes oh yeah if i was
around someone yeah like uncomfortable with that if i had someone to have sex with i'd be like your old lazy-eyed lady from back in the day i would be getting i would be uh yeah i can be i can get addicted to sex pretty quick when i'm in a relationship and like like having it it's just an easy way to tap out and forget your feelings so i was also part of the book you're about irresistible it's it even talks about sex addiction i couldn't gambling addictions really get into that book because i got distracted by my phone again within three seconds i mean i'm reading it on my phone as i'm learning that i'm addicted to my phone yeah that so that was a part of it was i mean that's what ever i feel like so many guys are sex addicts a lot that i deal with and like have relationships with or like communicating with i'm just like oh this guy's a sex addict and um and and a lot of them are famous i think that creates i mean you can have sex with anyone you want when you're famous really really hot chicks really hot chicks they throw themselves at you and you become they're sex you're like the woman you're the one who's being pursued oh right yes and so that's the problem with famous guys is they're constantly they're they're too busy with like really really hot chicks constantly being thrown at them they don't really need to have a relationship where the i mean that's the appeal of having a relationship for a lot of guys i think is just having a regular person to have sex with that's definitely one of it and then there's also this uh this book is talking about porn addicts and gambling addicts and and then it's really all the same thing it's like your body and your brain gets fixated on particular activities and those particular activities occupy your mind so much and then it becomes a detriment to your life and it's with video games with sex it's with porn it's with gambling it's with drugs and that they used to
think that they're different things these things and obviously drugs have like physical consequences like heroin and you know and alcohol like alcohol is one of the worst to get off of because when you get off of alcoholic people who are like legitimate alcoholics they can die oh yeah called amy winehouse that's how she died no bulimia i don't know if that's no one talks about it well let's let's google that look it up because her documentary she was puking her brains out at the end and that can cause cardiac arrest like that and so i think i mean it could have been a mixture of both but i i do think her bulimia had a huge i listened to [ __ ] her [ __ ] so often she's uh on my like regular playlist she's in so much pain you can hear it in her voice it was such a beautiful voice it's an interesting voice even when she's thinking about going to rehab you know anyone was killed by bulimia not drugs says her brother yeah drink and drugs took their toll but eating disorder fatally weakened amy yeah dude how does some serious [ __ ] what is the um what is the uh the coroner's result though did they say the thing is a brother yeah no i just think that that gets swept under the table so much eating disorders when really that is and you know kovit is killing a lot of people with eating disorders too people that on the other side of that food addicts who can't stop eating and obesity makes you so much more susceptible to covet i mean i yeah i think i'd only know that because i've you know dabbled in all of those things before and um it's terrible yeah i'm a definite addict and i gotta watch it but this the sex addict thing i mean i just think that that's one that's unchecked for so many people yeah and so acceptable and um porn addiction i mean i i can't get off without watching porn you can't get off at all without watching porn
not even close i wouldn't even try if my internet was down we we had a power outage the other day at my house and it was just like okay well that's i would be screwed without i couldn't do it i mean i would figure out a way i think i would manage but if my if my toys aren't working and aren't plugged in and if i don't have porn i'm just not getting off i've never been someone who can do it manually and and with my imagination it's really a problem because the porn i watch is like not good what kind joe yeah really i mean i got a threat on um like a dm from just some [ __ ] troll a while back that was like if i put out a hit on the dark web for you to be gang raped and asked paid the guys a hundred thousand dollars to do it i could make that happen and you know someone would accept that and i was like joke's on you that that's my fantasy i don't really mean that please do not do that but i was also like no that's i'm not joking like that tends to be the stuff that i watch is like really aggressive gang bangs and like women tied up i i i pay for my porn because i feel so bad what's happening to the women in it i hope that they are being compensated for it so i pay like 30 bucks a month for kink.com i'm watching really [ __ ] up stuff um and i've always been been into like being tied up and like i i'm someone who doesn't feel like i deserve pleasure without like having pain like i don't ever celebrate anything and i can only celebrate or like relax if i put in so much work that i'm just like dead so i can it's really hard for me to like enjoy myself in life i always have to have it's i have to punish myself first and so orgasms are not something that like i feel i feel it's hard for me to give myself one and let myself have that much it's like it's too much it's like christmas you're like you have to wait a year for christmas you can't give
yourself christmas every day so i feel i like to be tied up and like forced to have christmas and like i jesus christ that's what i that's what i tend to like it's like you have to do this and because i'm so i don't like losing control either and the orgasm is like the most you can lose control i just feel like i don't i don't like being that out of control and i don't know what's gonna happen i'm scared i'm just gonna like [ __ ] everywhere or something like i'm totally scared of [ __ ] everywhere i am is no one else scared of that no when they come i don't think i've never [ __ ] everywhere or saying something that you regret or like just do it i don't know having a kramer moment when i'm just kidding no just i'm terrified of what might happen that's why i only have sex with people that i like trust so much so that if i [ __ ] on them they wouldn't i know that that guy wouldn't hate me right and like wouldn't tell people and that's why you're willing to let them tie you up you trust them so much because if they tie me up and i [ __ ] okay okay that's my biggest fear yeah it wasn't my fault you tied me up i had no choice oh my god or um yeah so if if you're forced then you have you have yeah you then it's not your fault what you did or what you said so do you ever watch regular porn or is it always like no never it's always i started kinked i go to kink.com i go to anal i go to bondage i go to gangbangs my problem is i do not like the women to be abused i don't but you can't find gangbangs where the woman's being treated nicely you can't find one where they're just like good job you're taking on so much like i've talked about this in my special but i i thought after talking about in my special and saying can i please get a respectful gangbang porn would listen and heed my request and make her bang gangbang when they're just like they're proud of her for her you know tenacity
and her strength during this really arduous journey personal journey and they're never nice to her they're always calling her a dumb [ __ ] they're making her oink like a pig they have a [ __ ] boot on her head they spit in her face and i honestly joe i'm not kidding you i watch porn with half the screen covered up because i don't like what they do to her head but i like what they're doing to to the rest of her because i i just it's too they're so mean you know choking her like doing a fish hook i don't like any of that but i like i like the idea of gangbangs i like the idea of a girl being like kind of used and taken advantage of um and i i do feel guilty about all this because i'm a feminist obviously i love women and i want us to feel empowered and i'm so sad for these women but that's what gets me off like what a conundrum yeah i don't want to be fisted joe but that's all that gets me off is watching women get fisted i like that now and i don't have any interest in being having that done to me why do you like or so i say why [Laughter] oh my god i don't know what i'm even saying but yeah dude i'm watching i'm crying i'm watching like it just it just is a slippery slope dude it just gets you know it you go from just like slight bondage where a girl's tied up and a guy's maybe like doing some stuff to her with a a wand and like fingering her and choking her a little bit and then it's it's just like seven guys writing pig on a girl's head and making her oink and like and and spitting on her you bookmark those i mean i have i have a file i have a i have an email that i sent to myself it's called porn i like and i just keep sending myself the next anytime i come from a video i send it to myself so i can go back and i can also see my my descendants into depravity
through the years i can see where i started and where i'm at and how it happened how long does this email change it's been going on since 2017 is when i started it so i have a a good backlog of but but what i like about this is that usually the girl is i don't like to see a girl in distress i don't like to as soon as she i think that she's not having a good time i get out of it because a lot of these girls are having a good time they like to be pushed to the the limit one of my favorite porn actresses and i just want to give her a shout out because she does brilliant work is kristin scott and one of her the best videos is called school of seduction i think that's what it's called and um or no oh [ __ ] what is it called it's there's like this academic academy that these girls go to where they learn to be [ __ ] [Laughter] and they have to like graduate and there's like five days where they go to the school and they're tied up and they're just like [ __ ] by a bunch of people and they're made to like plank and get [ __ ] at the same time as they're planking and it's just like they're they get they just they have to do what you say when someone tells you you have to do something you have to be like oh i guess i have to do it it's not my fault that i'm a [ __ ] and they i just like that that's what i'm into because i think i have so much guilt associated with wanting to be sexual or wanting to feel sexual that if someone's making me do it then suddenly it's not my fault so do you think that's why you like bondage and gangbangs because it's out of the person's control yeah yeah and i was looking into like because i was feeling guilty about having like i don't have rape fantasies i don't have that but a lot of women do so many women do and it's actually called uh it's not a rape fantasy because you're not fantasizing about actually being raped because that's not consensual you want consensual no
it's called cnc consensual non-consent that's what it's called and i'm kind of into that it's um that's an interesting phrase consensual non-consent i know it's kind of murky but saying rape fantasy is just not uh right you don't want to be raped by someone you don't want to have sex with you want to be raped by someone you're really attracted to but you want to give in to it so you want it to happen so it's it's sort of kind of rape but not really great because you actually want it to happen you want it to mimic you want it to be like role-playing rape so but you could stop it at any time because you have a safe word and you have all these things but so it's it isn't rape so women that go i have a rape fantasy and think that's like quirky about themselves you don't you really don't you don't want that no one wants that um and so yeah that's what it's called is um consensual non-consent is what so many women are into and i i read about it on reddit because i i'm in the subreddit sex and it's just a very common thing that that that women want in bed women like to be choked they like to be bossed around they like their hair pulled they like you know but they only like it to be done by people they want it to be done yes yes i want to make that very clear yeah yeah although there are some times that i and i there are some times that you know in some of these porns where the guy is like i'm not attracted to him and i wouldn't want his dick inside me but i definitely like when they they treat you like a car they're working on and they just like use tools on you and there's no dicks involved that appeals to me that's a very popular one like if there was a place you could go like a body shop and just get worked on yep i would love it if there was a place you could go where guys would just massage your vagina and use tools on you and you'd be totally down with that yeah
as long as there's no cameras and no one would ever talk about that i was there i mean i'd be talking about it on here the next week but as long as it was up to me you could wear a mask and and your sleep mask is good you can wear both masks okay yeah and just lay there and have them meet you out no i don't want them a mouth you don't want the mouth maybe i don't know maybe you have to go there a couple of times you get bored with dildos i don't i'm s um no dildos are so good they're like dildos and toys are like amazing i like a wand and i don't i don't even think i could have regular sex without also like a vibrator too yeah i want i want penetration and i want something else too wow i just want it's just i don't but what's the longest time you've taken without any masturbation or sex oh months and months i can go months months without masturbating like it does not but when i get hooked on it like it's the same way i abstain from pot like right now i've gone 12 days but if i sparked one up right now i'd be doing all the time until i i go cold turkey and i just i quit so i can i went a really long time um without it um during the quarantine and then i haven't hooked up with i haven't had sex since for you know a year and a half at this point and um and and i've hooked up a couple times in that in that time with guys but i've always stopped it before i've even had like been even close i i just knew i wasn't gonna come so i was just like just let's stop when you were talking about like gang bangs and stuff your hands you had like a death grip on your knuckles and you like bringing your hands back and forth you're going over in your head i'm like jesus oh my god i know i get really intense about it yeah you were very intense about it yeah i'm sure it's it's because i well i feel really bad even
admitting that that's what i'm into wow you shouldn't feel bad that's what you're into so you're not a bad person you're a good person thank you [ __ ] but that's okay i'm not the only one oh there's a website yeah kink.com is not supported by nikki glazer alone it's like there was a chart it's like look it's it's all [ __ ] and we thought we had subscribers this one ladies she's out of her [ __ ] mind like there's a whole industry based around this one broad they got to make more too because i am running out of videos to watch because it's hard for me to go back and watch old ones so i've been going back and uh going because they've been around forever and i i went back like you know 68 pages and there's stuff from like pre-911 i'm like i can't watch this woman from 2000 take on 60 years later now yeah because i just picture her now like where where did her life take her that's the problem right so you think about what happened to them that allowed them to be that person in the gang bang with pig written on their face yeah that's the problem that's the problem and that's why a lot of videos on on kink.com have a pre-interview and a post interview so you see the girl go i'm really looking forward to this gangbang today i've wanted to do this for so long it's been a goal of mine i'm really into this i don't like this you know you see them consent to all of it and then happens and then they have the post one where they're like shivering in a towel with like wiping pig off their forehead and they're like that was fun and you see them and there's always a post interview to you know prove they survived rough do you get criticized for talking about this stuff like by other women i will after this for sure but no generally not because i think i'm not alone with this one you think why do you think you will with this one because you just you got really deep into it um just because you have a bigger audience more people are going to hear it that's
why and i think you're not alone and i think there's probably a lot of women that are listening to this right now that go yes same yeah same i just tend to with my addictions i tend to go from they get they get bad quickly like they so they start off so yeah these are all progressive things like eventually you'll get there with porn if you watch it long enough it might take someone else thousands of years to get where i got in a shorter amount of time but it all is leading to i mean it gets gross that's why these things exist like you don't start off liking like a woman with a boot on her head like that's not something that like you go to you just slide there eventually well that's the thing about porn in general if you go back and watch old porn old porn was just people on dates [Laughter] it was if you go back and watch like porn you know like from the 80s it's basically two people are hanging out and the ones like i'm just so tense i've got such a headache and the guy's like hey let me rub your nick and rub in the neck and it's like oh that feels so good it feels so i'm so hot i need to take my shirt off and they take their shirt off and then they start making out and then yeah i mean it was basically nothing for me now yeah but that's what it is it's like it's basically just people having sex normal people in normal situations and then there's something about where people need to escalate the everything has to like okay i've seen that now i need to see more and that's what points to the fact that it's um that it's an addiction yeah you know i've never been into anything other than just sex that's so good yeah luckily yeah the only porn that i've ever watched it's just girls with big asses oh just sexy girls yeah
i'd say i've never never been into any of that no choking nothing it gets so weird joe it is weird there's so much but i'm not choking in real life either i've never never been into that anyway yeah i don't know why guys are into it i don't relate to i don't know that i'd want a guy to like want to do that to me it's dangerous yeah yeah but because if you escalate so think about the escalation in porn well what if a guy is into choking girls and then he gets bored with just regular chokes no it's like i want to use a rope like i promise i'm not going to hurt you i'm just going to use a rope now i want to what if it's just like a wire yeah like i'm not going to make a little mark on you okay what if i blindfold what if i hit you like and then things get weird what if i murder yeah and then it releases i mean that i was watching that golden state killer documentary and that's what that guy did he started just doing break-ins and then that wasn't really itching at the scratch anymore scratching the itch anymore then he moved on to rapes and that was doing good for a while and then slowly he started murdering like it didn't just start out murder you saw his progression it's like it yeah this stuff can get really scary i mean i like being i think being choked is nice because i mean you were talking about it with david blaine yesterday like it feels good to like lose consciousness and like come out of it and be pushed to that brink of like there's something uh euphoric about it yeah i think there's the euphoric thing about getting choked out is like as the brain like rushes back to consciousness there's probably a bunch of hormones and things that are just floating around in there they get fired up and also like there's there's like dopamine and all sorts of spikes that's the other thing that they were talking about in this book uh irresistible talking about the
dopamine rush that people get from various addictions and they were talking about parkinson's drugs that that this is really interesting because uh parkinson's medication apparently what it does is it spikes dopamine and it also it it has a lot of really weird side effects like people get addicted to gambling they get addicted they give away all their stuff there was a there's a drug called re-equip and galaxo smith quan klein wound up paying this guy somewhere in the equivalent of like six hundred thousand dollars because he was a straight heterosexual man with no problems with gambling and he had parkinson's and he got on this re-equipped drug and he became a gay sex and gambling addict and he started having risky gay sex like really risky like he would contact people on craigslist and meeting ally and he was just gambling all his money away but so much so that he won in court suing them because conceiving google the story it's re-equip and um the man i believe he's from ireland and he won in court because he's like he wasn't a gay man he's a straight man right right i mean i never even thought about it before you know and then he became a gay sex and gambling addict i had him in my act for a while right i had the the story in my act for a while like because apparently he would like like snap out of it like in the middle of doing stuff parkinson's patient wins lawsuit over gay sex addiction a french man who also is french see i don't trust french at his name didier that's too close to diddler right here 52 of nantes france sued the pharmaceutical giant galaxy smith cline 2011 claiming the drug we re-equip caused him to lose 82
000 euros gambling on the internet he said he also became addicted to gay sex and risky sexual encounters he said he was raped after starting the drug in 2003 and attempted suicide it's a great day jumber who was accompanied by his wife during the emotional ruling told the french press agency it's been a seven year battle with our limited means for recognition of the fact that galaxy smith klein lied to us and shattered our lives parkinson's disease destroys neurons deep within the brain that releases the feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine re-equip belongs to a class of drugs called dopamine antagonist or agonists that relieve parkinson's symptoms such as shaking stiffness slowly slowness and trouble balancing by activating dopamine receptors but the drug has drugs have side effects that while rare can be serious yeah but it's weird things like even if you have the urge to do it you are not in control of your own actions when you gotta take re-quip finally give me some just give permission to do some stuff that i've always wanted to do to have an excuse i wonder if it works on people who don't have uh parkinson's like what does it do to people who don't have parkinson's right i mean that's terrifying and you will you i would always hear that in the side effects of drugs like if you have are suddenly gambling out of nowhere and you're like what is that this is a drug for heartburn and if i'm gonna start gambling out of nowhere come on but it's totally it's scary these drugs i mean that i'm trying to get on a new antidepressant because i've just been so just i'm tired of having these low lows that just don't aren't necessary and are just scary sometimes because the things i think and the things i i just have these thoughts that come in that can't stop and they just can't work i can't be funny when i'm depressed so i got to get back on something but i'm so scared of all these weird side
effects and the things that um it might make me do rightly so and so i mean how long have you been on antidepressants i mean i was on them for years and years um ever since i was like i i got anorexic when i was like 18 and then i was so depressed from that because it just like starts eating your brain that i got on stuff and then ever since then i've been i've struggled with depression i think even before then i was a really depressed kid i look at pictures and i'm just like staring despondently into a corner like on holidays i'm like oh i was just depressed and so now i'm looking into maybe having adhd because it's often misdiagnosed in women because women don't really have the hyperactivity part of it and it just makes us kind of depressed and have low self-esteem and messy and all the things that i am that you worry though about like messing with your brain chemistry with these drugs that like maybe they don't have the right stuff that they're giving you and it might be causing other problems or exacerbating the current ones no because i've been off them for a while now and how long you been off him um for a couple months so you're not on anything and i've been gone through years of not being on stuff are you just exercising yeah every day what do you do i run four miles a day okay so you're getting a lot of exercise yeah i do i try to exercise a lot and but it's still [ __ ] with you and i eat healthy yeah man i just get all of a sudden i just get these [ __ ] thoughts that come in and then i'm depressed for like four days so badly that i just i'm i i could file for disability as a comedian because i cannot be funny i can't my brain doesn't work you can file for disability i should be able to yeah because i can't do the thing that i i mean i feel disabled i feel like that's when i start thinking okay i gotta find a new job i can't do this i
can't be broadcasting every day i have nothing interesting to say and um that's not true at all everything you've said today has been very interesting thank you well i'm not in a bad place today i'm actually out of it i don't know it just comes on ever like four days out of the month wake up you felt like i'm in a good way oh today no i've been in a good place since saturday i woke up on saturday and i snapped out of it but you know when i sent out that tweet the tweet that led to me even being here was because i was just suffering for like four or five days with like really bad depression where you know i called gary goldman do you know what he went through yeah he's been through like serious serious depression i was i i had a text drafted neil brennan i wanted to talk to other guys that like have had to have had to go places and little actually did ketamine therapy i know yeah he told me he was wild he said he went to a doctor they you know they put you in a chair like a regular doctor's chair and they induce you into a psychedelic state he goes and i mean i was tripping balls i go really he goes yeah i went to the doctor's office and they give you [ __ ] ketamine and you trip balls and i'm like did it help you he goes yeah he goes yeah it helped ketamine apparently has a big effect on people that are uh depressed and some people are taking it into like a spray like a mist i don't know if it's nasal spray yeah yeah just like a body splash [ __ ] whitney has something like that oh yeah i i mean it's just i don't think it's a body spot you just like spray it in front of you and walk through it those are your mouth okay ketamine mist like a very low dose of ketamine like a micro dose of ketamine well i'm gonna talk to him about it too but it's so funny because when i when i'm in it i'm so in it and then when i'm out of it i just forget that it can get that bad and i don't even
think about it i forget that it can get so bad but and there's no triggers that are making it bad or good you know right now like things are really not like i are very uncertain my career is going great by all you know if you were yeah by all indications i should not be depressed like i have a loving family i have my health but you say your career is going great but everyone's career hit a wall yeah all of us that are comics we hit a wall yeah and mark the only one who's touring regularly is bert i know he's depressed right now he's [ __ ] told you told me he just did 19 shows or 15 shows in nine days he goes i'm [ __ ] exhausted i got to stop and he goes in his agency's trying to push him to organize a summer tour or a fall tour now and i really i relate to i think that bert is a lot like me that if he does stop and stops working yeah it will be so much worse than it was he'll freak out and you know he loves to drink too yeah you know bert's got a lot of different things that he's sort of kind of whatever is going on in his head that he's trying to squash he does it with a lot of different things whether he works a lot or he just i mean he tours and when he tours he tours burt will tour in a bus and hit a different place every night and then it used to be that you would invite people to go out and drink with them yeah he has this expectation to fulfill as the the party animal and so he is always i mean i feel for him always having to to be on and be that guy and be shirtless and be down to party well he was doing a special and they were handing him shots and he was like i can't do shots i'm doing my special right and they're like [ __ ] you drink he's like you're ruining my special oh my goodness like i'm filming a special here this is for [ __ ] netflix you idiots yeah what are you doing he was mad but
if he's but there's part of me that goes maybe he should be [ __ ] up if he's done all of the preparation for this [ __ ] he's been [ __ ] up right why the night you tape your special would you do things differently yeah i don't do anything differently when i tape specials do you get depressed no you you never felt that i mean maybe like very low level depression yeah that's great yeah because i don't work out like a terrorist i know and what is that about i think i'm very primitive i think my brain like my genetics i think i come from a long line of savages and i think the only way i feel good really feel good is to do very violent things yeah yeah push yourself i need to i run hills i beat the [ __ ] out of a heavy bag but do you enjoy it in the room in the middle of it you're actually loving [ __ ] love pushing yourself love it but then how much do you love it when you're done i mean isn't that the best feeling i enjoy it while i'm doing it but i get to a place where i don't enjoy it yeah that's i have to hit that place you have to push yourself yeah i don't i don't work out to like where oh it feels pretty good like there's none of that i want to see you like walking a mall someday like doing a gentle mall suit with tiny little weight hand weights walk with my dog we do hills you know i put like a weight vest on i have a thing called an atlas trainer it's a backpack that i put olympic weights on the back of it like it has a like a you know like you have a plate a barbell yeah i get so like uh the dumbbell plates go over it and then i screw in this uh collar and i have like a an olympic plate on my back and so i do uh i'll hike with those on with the dog and uh do do you take days off no yeah you have to recover yeah i don't need is that hard to do no no i don't think i'm addicted to
exercise no you seem to have a healthy but i'm carrying a lifestyle with everything i can get addicted to everything okay you can oh yeah i had a real real problem with video games in the past eight hours a day like even more how interesting and irresistible is it that people who make those video games don't even let themselves play that yeah how about that world of warcraft story how about the one kid who's a football player who lost his [ __ ] basically his life fell apart fell out of school everything just it can happen i so you used to be that way we [ __ ] set up a local area network in the back and we have all these computers back yeah that we set up and i had to stop playing them because we would be in here and i would be playing five six hours a day after podcasts right and it was like for months and i'm like i've stopped and i had to get out of here i'd be sweaty my adrenaline would be off also recently you've dealt with was it like a year and a half ago yeah about two maybe two years ago what about drinking for you what about drugging no no never never compulsive yeah yeah drinking the problem with drinking is it always has a negative physical effect yes so that i'm not into things that [ __ ] with my body so when i do something negative then it [ __ ] with my real addiction which is the exercise addiction so if i have if i have an addiction at all for physical life it's an exercise addiction but it's not an addiction like i have to do it if i don't do it i freak out it's like if i don't do it i don't feel good yes like i like to be calm i like to feel good i like to be friendly i like to feel like even i don't feel even if i don't work out if i don't work out for four or five days i just feel like real tense and like short trigger like short fuse what's something that sets you off when like your wife can sense it your kids can sense it if you haven't worked out like what's gonna what's something that
i don't let myself get to that oh that's good yeah i don't let myself get that but if how do you stop yourself meditation yeah i definitely do a lot of meditation meditation float tank sauna i do a lot of breathing exercises in the sauna i do a lot of that but i just know me i know me and i don't like me when i don't work out i don't like that guy yeah i don't like me if i don't meditate and i don't let myself get away with it but it's just i also since the time i've been a young boy i've been doing savage things so from like my whole life i've been in martial arts so my body's just like what are we hitting today come on what are we choking come on we gotta go like and if i don't do that my body's like uh any day now we're gonna we're going to war like [ __ ] is about to happen it's going down so your body starts getting it's like a battery like you're storing up all this energy and if you don't if you don't release it it's like it's overflowing it's coming off the top and so i i i exercise just to maintain homeostasis to maintain balance to maintain like just just just to be just have clarity yeah so that you're just the best version of yourself you're pushing yourself 100 percent i am the best friend i'm the nicest person i can be when i when i exercise a lot now what if you go through a time where you don't get a lot of exercise and you just can't finish it i was going to just exercise fit into my schedule what does that mean you figure you figure out a way you wake up that is the schedule like there's no like do what do i forget to eat yeah exactly do i forget to sleep i don't forget to sleep so why the [ __ ] would i forget to exercise yeah it's just next i think i've ever gone more than a week in my life without exercising yeah i mean doing something i have to unless i've been injured
unless i have like a bad injury like a surgery or something like that what about stand-up addiction i think i definitely have a stand-up addiction and i think that i really it really uh i think i feel like if i have any depression at all it's this low-level lull from not doing stand-up for all these months it's a lull and then i realized it when i did i did the improv in houston yeah and and it was like oh my god we're back and i said like [ __ ] it dude i'm i went with brian moses and tony hinchcliffe and we were like dude let's [ __ ] just keep doing this let's just keep traveling around the country any place that wants to have us and then i started thinking i got really high and i started thinking what if i gave it to somebody what if i got it i'd give it to somebody and then i'm like i can't do that that was the thing that i feared what i feared the most is giving it to somebody yeah that's giving it to like some a guest that gets really sick i know that's that's the fear yeah that's why outdoor shows some people that are getting it it [ __ ] them up for months i know people don't ever reca people still haven't recovered that got it back in march right they have still a fatigue they can't get out of their issues yeah their hair's falling out they're i mean these side effects they they could last who knows forever it's really scary it's a weird [ __ ] disease it's a weird disease it doesn't really make sense because it's not like any other disease like everybody who gets the flu you there's like it's real similar it's not like one person gets the flu and it's nothing or another person gets the food they can't smell anything for six months like people are they're losing their sense of smell i know they lose their sense of taste like for months like michael yo got it real bad where he was hospitalized and he is he's still suffering for fatigue from fatigue like two months later he would get tired walking up a flight of stairs
so you get like lung scarring and all kinds of weird [ __ ] happens yeah okay you're not scared of getting it no but what about all that [ __ ] you're just scared of giving that to someone yeah you just feel like your body's gonna be okay yeah yeah yeah i'll be okay do you get the flu yeah but barely yeah if i do so much though i do like iv vitamin drips all the time and i'm on all these vitamins and constantly working out i mean i can get sick but i don't get sick much and when i get sick it's like it goes by pretty quick yeah me too but it's uh but it's i'm i'm keeping my body healthy i eat elk meat and all this healthy food and it's like your body if your body's in tune and your body's healthy and your immune system is strong that's the whole point of having a strong immune system it's supposed to be able to fight things off and i haven't gotten like a real cold in years because i take care of myself and i do a good job but if i was working on a television show and i was not getting good sleep or i was traveling a lot and i was not getting good sleep and that's when it could hit you and that's what it hit michael yo yeah he was just over working i mean michael joe was he was he flew to new york he was doing morning and did no sleep right flew to new york morning radio television shows two shows a night at uh gotham two shows the next night same thing morning radio tv shows hustling doing everything he can flies home no sleep right then drives to vegas with his family kids in the car screaming yelling and then he hangs out with his wife's family in vegas and then flies back the same day so to and from which is four hours there four hours back then auditions the next day and auditions the day after that so he's practicing for auditions getting ready stressed out then it hits him boom hits him hard oh yeah that
i mean that used to be the way i lived my life too well he gave it to his mom his mom kicked it in a day oh really one day yeah because she because she wasn't sick she wasn't worn out so her immune system did its job what about you in sleep what's your sleep you're good at it i sleep yeah you never had to take anything or no what do you do what's your kind of routine to wind down keep the bed out do you keep the phone on your bed and like yeah i don't i mean occasionally i'll have the phone by the bed i'll look at it right before i go to bed but i just conk out are you monitoring your screen time after reading this yes well i was monitoring my screen time already can you get sucked into instagram i mean what's your app that you just get no youtube i like watching videos yeah it's distracting yeah i just get bored now what you do when you work out what youtube yeah like when you're like on a treadmill or something what are you doing are you just like in the moment trying maybe i'll watch music fights okay if i'm watching something i like i watch fights or i listen to a book and i work out but uh most of oh yeah i was wondering like picturing you reading a book like do you just like sit in a chair and like flip through a book like how does joe rogan read a book most of the reading i do is audio books okay so the most it was me not reading yeah reading is like scientific articles i'll read like things that you can't get in audiobooks yeah but i do most of the most of the information that i get from books is either driving or in a sauna i like listening inside put air pods on you can use air pods in the sauna even at 180 degrees jesus they don't conk out so how long are you in there 30 minutes okay i used to but that's another thing it's like i keep escalating that you said 20 minutes and now i moved it like oh don't be a [ __ ] make it 25 minutes and then it's like 30 and i'm not satisfied with 30. so now it has to be
31. yes so you understand my porn thing oh yeah yeah oh yeah i just don't have the porn thing that way my porn is like if i watch porn it's normal it's people that are horny they [ __ ] that's that's the or yeah or it's like oh we probably shouldn't be doing this you know like that kind of porn right you know like stuff like that but nothing nothing crazy okay yeah but i get it like i get all of it like the video game thing i get more than anything because i've had like real well that's nice to hear that even recently you've struggled with that because you seem to be someone who doesn't have to deal with it but it's all because i'm calculated about it that's all it is it's like you see it starting to affect your well-being i went cold turkey you go you quit it you can't quit and then we played again when we had the guys who make doom we had them come in here and we played for a day and even that day i was like i got out of here all shaky i was like i can't do that again i don't do that again and then you do you do you feel like you're white knuckling it oh you're like god damn it i'm missing out but you have just amazing discipline well the video games are so addictive because they're so immersive and the one we're playing is quake champions so you put these headphones on like if jamie was playing with me if he was over here i could hear him over here i hear him walking and the vid the graphics are so incredible and it's a three-dimensional game right so you're running down these hallways and people are shooting rockets at you and you're jumping up off these things and you're running through the water and people are chasing you it's so fun it's exciting that's as good as going on a hike no why because first of all because you're you could do it all day no d no vitamin d no vitamin c you're doing it all day right you can plant hours and hours and hours and you get exhausted afterwards
and and it becomes a compulsion like you leave here you're driving you think about oh he should have shot me then yeah i should have got him and that time i [ __ ] up i shouldn't have gone into the lava i should have went that way you have all these crazy thoughts in your head about the game and it's like i they're really fun that's the problems they're really good but for me at least they waste too much time and i get too sucked in and then it becomes unhealthy right because it becomes like you can only exercise so much you know especially like the way i'm doing it yeah tell us how much that is because you definitely hit cooking half a day yeah that's it that's it no more than that these people that are at the gym for four hours at a time i'm sorry that's an addiction maybe at that point unless you're training for something how are you doing you can't hit the bag for four hours right i guess people are kind of like rosie and about i'm doing like i do rounds like so i'll set the timer for three minutes it's like a timer it's like ding ding ding ding it goes off and it lets you know every 30 seconds so i have this ringside timer and it says an interval timer so every 30 seconds it gives you a ping it gives you a big curves gym right so sort of so in 30 seconds you know you're sprinting for 30 seconds and then you're you're you're doing it at a slower pace for the next 30 seconds and then you're sprinting again and there's a red light there's a red light and then there's a yellow light and it's a red light is when it's time to stop the yellow light is when you're common and in blue light is go so it has these three lights right go means sprint yellow means coast red means stop and so it's like this very regimented you know exactly when you're done so when i'm doing like especially like rounds on the back you can only do it so much because your body breaks down because during those the blue time
it's just chaos it's 30 seconds of just assault like you can't keep that up yeah it's just too crazy it's just and then when it's over and then the the next 30 seconds it's calmer it's like you're just sort of like getting your heart rate down and just going through the techniques and moving and then the blue light comes on again thing and it's like so you can't you can only do it for so long right yeah but when it's over i'm like ah chirp chirp chirp birds and love and everybody's my friend yeah i feel good that way after a after a hard workout too i mean you need it you get the endorphin rush but you also you you beat the demons down that's the thing is all the aggression just goes out of me like all the the pent up stress and i just think that my body's conditioned to do this it's been doing it for so long that if i don't do it it just like goes when is it coming when's it coming yeah when's the war when's the chaos when's it coming you need to do you cry ever i cry for happy things yeah most of the time i cry when i'm happy for people but i cry if i think about you know like people that i miss and you know stuff like that that's good i definitely cry yeah well i i cry a lot for like things that make me happy that's uh that's really yeah that's cute yeah i craft four people i cry when i'm happy for people but uh yeah i cry i feel that i know i'm not scared of emotions yeah you know nice yeah i'm scared of weakness i don't like weakness but i don't think crying is weakness i think it's weak to not want to cry i think it's not it's weak to not want to embrace the full spectrum of life you know life is filled with beautiful things and amazing things and it's also filled with horrible things like they're all there and to deny that i think is to deny reality it is and that is to be
delusional i'm afraid of being delusional more than i'm afraid of crying i think it's really important that you just said that you cry and you think it's important because i think so many people that listen to you do not so many men don't cry joe you know that they do i think they just don't want people to know well maybe they don't but i just don't think they'll allow themselves to and i'm i put myself in that category like it's really hard for me to cry like i have to i have to be talking to someone about my i have to have it kind of mirrored back to me my emotions so that i can have license to cry but it's not something that that comes naturally to people but i think it's important to do which i cried on the podcasters real recently really yeah there was a guy on uh josh dubin from the he's a lawyer and they were talking about the innocence project he works with the innocence project and they got this poor man who is an immigrant i believe he's from guatemala who was unjustly accused of murder and they they got him out and you know they were just going through the whole story about how the prosecutors were trying to keep him in jail even though he knew he was innocent and they they finally got him released and they're talking about this thing and i just start crying yeah this poor guy he's thinking about this guy who like makes his way to america to try to do better for himself and it winds up getting caught up in this this fake murder this god accusation and yeah yeah i cried about that yeah i just i think men need to cry more and and is that another one of your folders yeah men crying and then i'm seriously turned on by men crying i love it can i really put that out there i uh the one time my ex-boyfriend cried in front of me you got hot i was blowing him while he was like still like sniffling like still his tears were
like hitting me on the head i'm not joking you it was i felt so inappropriate doing it but i was like this is so hot that you are opening up and you are emoting and that i don't have to deal with these feelings on a in another way which is you being mad at me are you like bottling up your anger i mean these feelings have to come out somewhere it just was so erotic to me to see a guy like so so sensitive i think it's very weak of people to be afraid of feelings yes there's nothing wrong with feelings but there's feelings can't kill you there's something wrong with being a [ __ ] though like there's a difference this is what's important there's something wrong with being weak there's something wrong with like shirking your responsibility or not doing the things that you know you're supposed to do because you want to cry and wallow away all your day and feel sorry for yourself like i i do not support people feeling sorry for themselves because that's a there's a perspective there's a particularly with men there's a perspective you can change your perspective you can you can just take action and do things there's nothing wrong with feeling sad there's nothing wrong with feeling emotional but there is something wrong with feeling sorry for yourself and there's a lot of men who feel sorry for yourself for no [ __ ] reason really but i think feeling sorry for yourself is important why because we that's that allows you to feel those feelings to say you know what i had i had a shitty childhood i had a shitty mom and i i got a i got a [ __ ] up deal i was i i that guy from guatemala that came here like he should feel sorry for himself his life got i don't know if he should feel sorry for himself i definitely think he should feel the pain of what happened to him i mean there's no way he can't and i definitely think that you know he should feel happy
that he's been released and that these wonderful people work really hard to get him out and then i also think he should feel some anger that these [ __ ] wanted to keep him in jail when they knew he was innocent i mean i think there's nothing wrong with all those things but to be to just be paralyzed by that and not do anything and then use it as an excuse to never live your life [ __ ] that that's the difference and that is a choice and that is also something that you get you learn as a man there's people that can there's people that you can count on and there's people that are going to fall apart and there's a difference there's there's moments in your life where you can be dwarfed by that moment or you can rise to the occasion okay and who you are forever is dependent upon how you react those moments and you could just decide i care everything is too hard and you just be a [ __ ] or you can go yeah this is hard but i'm gonna do it anyway i'm gonna get through this and then you learn oh i could do it oh i could move forward and the people that learn that they need to tell other people that they learn that and then other people can learn it as well it's it's a reaction to pain a reaction to bad feelings but to take action to be a person who actually recognizes that these feelings are normal but you still have to keep going you still have to move on with your life that's the difference because that makes sense there's too many people that just use whatever happens in their life as an excuse for why they're a failure or uses an excuse for why you know other people do well well i can't because this happened when i was young just right just [ __ ] get up and go just go i think you can do that after you acknowledge like you can let yourself feel sorry for
yourself a little bit don't sit in that too long but but if you always because i i think i'm just speaking more to myself because i've had to actually seek out therapists who teach me how to feel sorry for myself because so much of me is like what are you complaining about look at your life shut come on you don't have anything to cry about don't feel sorry for yourself don't do that and then i never get to feel sad they go my god that sounds really hard and i go well it's people have it worse it's fine no let's go back you were scared then you didn't get the support you needed that's really that's not fair that sucks that that happened to you will you feel that will you feel that you needed a more support back then when you didn't get it and you were scared and you didn't know any different because you were a little girl like they take me back there and they go feel sorry for her feel sad for that girl and i have to go back and kind of let myself go feel sorry for myself and is there a relief in doing that yeah i think it it allows me to stop pushing all my feelings down and being like i gotta be brave i can't complain cause what are you crying about you you have a roof over yet you have parents who love you but once they do that is there a build up afterwards like a build backup or they're like okay now that you've acknowledged the fact that you're validated or you you have valid feelings and that there's a reason why you felt [ __ ] over is a reason why you felt abandoned now that you've like let's look on positive aspects of nikki glazer let's look at life let's look at let's have some perspective do they do that um we haven't gotten there yet because we haven't covered all the trump that's the worry the my worry is that there's merchants that there's they there's there's something very valuable in selling pity
there's something very valuable in in dwelling on these moments of your life that have been bad and i think there's something in what you're saying that is valid before you were dealing with this where you're saying look at your life like you've got it better than a lot of people what are you complaining about like not that you should look at it that way but that there are positive and negative ways to look at things the thing about having bad child having a bad childhood and having bad childhood experiences is that it makes you a more interesting and resilient person and that is undeniable and that i think is something that it's very difficult for people to come to grips with or they look at their childhood and they look at bad aspects of their life they want to dwell on them like okay get that out of your system then i want you to look at it this way that has given you a depth that most people don't possess yeah and that's why you're interesting i know everyone that i know who's interesting has had some [ __ ] up childhood and as a parent it's weird because i want to protect my children from adversity but yet all of my favorite people have come from advertising [ __ ] up i know that's gotta feel com cause you wanna make the best you want your kids to be funny you want them yeah that's usually the case it's like whenever i see someone who's just like sometimes you meet someone who's like stunning but they're all so funny and you're like what how and then you're like oh you were molested okay now that makes sense exactly you had you had to go through something [ __ ] yes awful yeah to develop a personality so you're right i mean i i i'm so grateful for uh those times when i was little and scared and confused and felt abandoned and all of these things and i had great parents who did they couldn't have done better it but i was just a sensitive child who needed a
little bit more but um but i i don't think it's it's serving me anymore to just suck it up and say what are you so sorry about what are you so sad about you shouldn't be so sad because i really struggle with that that's why i keep asking like are you depressed joe do you know anyone i i need to find people who are depressed that my life is so good though yeah the problem is if like if i was depressed it would be like really disheartening for everybody but that's that has a life that's not as fortunate right but i'm i think my depression is all is chemical i mean i think it's just like my brain was i was born that way there's nothing my parents could have done differently to make me not suffer with depression and that that i just have to i have to feel i have to i have to feel sad like oh that sucks that i have a brain that tells me to kill myself once a quarter and that i have to have those thoughts and i think those thoughts are right and i know that i'm never gonna act on those thoughts but that sucks that i even have to have them is there a correlation though between how well your life is going like when your life is going great and how good you feel no no so that's man that's the best my life has gone is some of the worst times that's where there's a real solid argument for the chemical imbalance right because there's some people that i know that have had depression but they've only had it when their life was in the [ __ ] like when a girl left them or when they lost a job or things started going then they got depression and i'm always like hmm what is the difference between depression and not doing well so you feel bad yes there's a difference yeah the chemical depression that you're discussing that's the real [ __ ] that's like the real mental like there's a there's like a clogged pipe or something yeah it's not going through
and it doesn't and i and you look at your life and you look at everything that's going on and you just it doesn't make sense why you feel so sad or why you feel like such a fraud or why you feel like you should kill yourself i mean like right what what is that right i don't know and and and then the thoughts are so they're not even like i sit down and go i want to feel sad and like think of ways to kill myself it's like i'll just be sitting there and i'll be like kill yours like like whisper like i'm not i don't hear voices but they're just they're not thoughts i want to have the thought it really it yeah i mean i really i compare it to feeling getting a cold like it just i feel it coming on i'm like oh [ __ ] there's a spot and i don't know what you get these right when you close your laptop after kink.com usually that's what i'm feeling pretty good that's what i'm feeling the best is after i've done that i don't have that depression that people have of of like regret i mean i'm disgusted about talking about all these things that i'm into when and and and honestly i only masturbate once every two weeks so this isn't like an addiction for me it's just but when it comes on it's more like a freight train yeah when i open my laptop it's time to go going into war anal graduate three like and just women who are going through some kind of master's course tom segura sent me a video the other day i'll show it to if you like but uh i don't remember what i sent him but he sent me a video of this young lady they were just saying hey lane how are you back and she's just punching herself in the vagina what and it's just go okay you need to see and it's just going what are you please going in and i'm like what in the hell i've learned so much about the plasticity of vaginas and [ __ ] it's crazy from king.com it's great it doesn't seem like it
should be real a lot can go on yeah a lot can fit up there that you just can't even believe there's just something so like oh my god whoa yeah that's what i'm saying it looks like she's playing that price is right game where you punch through she just keeps going in there oh my god when she's so angry her face oh my god that's what i'm saying yeah no no no no no keeps doing it for a long time too by the way it's a long video yeah tom if you ever need like something [ __ ] up to look at holler at tom okay thompson yeah tom and christine he's got his [ __ ] weird [ __ ] he's got his finger on the pulse oh yeah did you see the one of like the balls being [ __ ] out of the ass yeah that was kind of weirdly beautiful well very unusual yeah first of all to have balls that will make it all the way to your ass is weird and then not just make it all the way to your ass but go inside like all the tucked inside like he's laying eggs the stuff he puts on twitter and filmed it yeah i had to set up a camera yeah i mean that guy's been practicing that girl that was just violently fisting herself had to like prop up her camera across the room and then go scoot or somebody else is filming it oh yeah that's true yeah but the guy with the balls up his ass apparently he lets guys [ __ ] him in the ass with his balls in his ass and his favorite thing is [ __ ] guys while he has his own balls in his ass yeah okay okay like hey listen you can't judge i i certainly can't it makes me feel less alone that there are people out there that are weirder stuff than i am there's people in the weird [ __ ] that's the weirdest thing about human sexuality is the spectrum of it like how much how weird like one thing that you would say to another person would turn them on another person would never call you again like yeah [ __ ] freak yep they'd run away from you i know and that's why you know so
much of uh stuff on king.com i'm just like get off of her feet i don't need you to be doing that why is she that hurts her nipples take those off her nipples like that all the extra stuff i just one very i wish i could just i need to just produce my own porn i think maybe that's your future possibly i mean i don't really want to be in it but i would like to get behind the camera and make the videos that i'm craving isn't the thing about porn though is that like the girls never really make the money it's always the producer and the like the the reason why people are tuning in is for the girl yeah but the girl's never the one who's getting rich it's always the people but i don't know if anybody's getting rich anymore i mean maybe i guess they must be they must be making some money fans yeah yeah but that goes to the girls right mostly yeah but when i was uh when i first bought uh not the house i'm living in now but another house in the past i had a neighbor who was bawling out of control he always had these like like really nice mercedes benz parked in his driveway and porsches and [ __ ] he always was wearing like big fat watches and [ __ ] he was a porn producer and uh he was uh laughing around about you know how much money made from porn but then the internet came along and it was so quick it was so quick where the internet killed his business because this is you know we're talking about i guess it was like the 90s the early 2000s he was making all this money and it was dvd sales right and then all of a sudden the internet came along and online porn and bandwidth just kicked up to the point where you could actually stream it and they foreclosed in his house and i'll never forget that i'll never forget like finding out that that guy was losing his house and i was like wow because that guy was always like so flashy like everything was like gold chains and he had a [ __ ] silver tooth
and he was doing coke all the time and they always had girls over his place he was just making so much money yeah it was from selling porn but it was not the girls weren't making that money no there's like i mean there's been a few girls i'm sure that have made a lot of money in porn but it's real rare it is rare there's like you know like yeah it's not it's not the girls that i'm seeing on kink.com in fact there's a great documentary on netflix called hot girls wanted that talks about oh i heard about that dude it's so it's so upsetting these girls they find these girls they post ads on craigslist and they find girls that are fresh out of high school that just want to get out of their small town and they're promised to make a thousand bucks a day you know if you do like six shoots maybe and they burn out within like four months and they make they shoot all these videos that are up forever forever and then they and they get really sick they're they get like they get over too much use down there and they have to go to the doctor and they have different abrasions and certain things and that's how they get and they then they're doing really fetishy type stuff where there's one girl that is in it that has to do like a brutal session which king.com has a lot of brutal videos which i hate that word in porn because that's usually like do you just see girls that you're like oh she she could not have left that shoot feeling empowered about herself no matter what i mean that is it's just so sad what they say and do these girls and in that in that movie there was one girl that was like yeah i went to a brutal session today and i had to and she you could just see like the life lost in her eyes and these girls just last they i mean a year is a really long time for them to last and they think it's going to be like this glamorous
life i mean they're so young but it that's well when you're 18 years old you're basically a kid yeah you're not really i mean you're an adult only on paper and in size you know but you're a kid like your mind's not formed yet and your ideas of what what's okay and what's not okay they don't they're not they pay for your plane ticket to go to miami and live in this house with a bunch of other porn stars and it's like this shitty [ __ ] apartment with the producer who lives with you and you're taking care of his dog i mean it's it's you got that documentary is really incredible and it makes you second guess where where where your porn comes from that's why i gotta pay for mine but it's also the the way people look at you forever like if you have a sexual relationship with a person and someone does crazy [ __ ] to you that's just what you wanted and you both did it and that's okay like you know people maybe people will laugh but they don't have to see it all the time right the thing about porn with a woman is if a woman does like some crazy gang bangs or something like that that's always going to be there and some guy is you know like hey that girl that you're gonna marry check out this link and someone sends you this link and you go oh my god and you see you see her as if she's right there right now doing this i know you don't see her as a per there's a person who made a mistake when she was 18 and did this thing but now she's 30 and you love her no you you still she's broken and down you can get over that hopefully but a lot of people aren't sure a lot of people can't yeah to do that a lot of people they won't be able to rationalize or objectively look at this and go listen she made some mistakes some people you know some people went to jail for shoplifting and then you know they realized you shouldn't steal and then
you know they get out and then they live a normal life no one goes oh yeah but look you're a shoplifter forever right right although you know i i relate to some of these porn actresses just in the sense that i've said things and done things on stage or like that i'm like oh no that's always going to work i mean like even today i mean someone's going to my husband someday might watch this and we'll be like look what you were into and what you admitted yeah but you are a grown woman you're not a child right and a man but a man who's into that like who's into you would go she's just being honest i'm just being honest yeah i think that's what i just try to be and i like that's empowered i mean it really it's kind of [ __ ] up to be empowered that way because you know what i mean because like people are like wait a minute you're empowered by watching girls get gang raped and gagged and [ __ ] pissed on and stuff itself i made that part yeah yeah yeah no no no but uh but i'll get there i'll get that but you can you're a grown woman you can find a man who recognizes and respects you for what yeah weird [ __ ] you're into as a grown woman but when you're 18 years old you're not even i know you're not a grown-up just not you know you're a person who's like legally responsible for yourself because you're an adult it's [ __ ] weird it's a weird thing because even just regular porn just regular sex it's strange that we all want to have sex but no one wants to see the person that they have sex with having sex with someone else on film i know so even though you know that they have had sex before you're like blah blah blah blah blah i can't hear it it would be interesting to hear i mean how boyfriends of people who have done porn i mean some guy i think some guys can just handle it and they can be okay you guys like it i i like when i i like hearing about
if my ex boyfriend not porn but i would if he made like sex tapes with other girlfriends you'd want to watch them i would yes yeah i love it we got to put these in a bank vault i would watch them all the time i would want to hear about them all the time i'm really into that i really love hearing about um ex-girlfriends or even um you know i hate to even say this because it just sounds ridiculous but and maybe i'm not into it anymore but when i did the last time i had a boyfriend years and years ago i wanted him to go have sex with other girls and like tell me about it really yeah and and dr drew has told me that there's something wrong with me that that's what i like like that's not there's something wrong with dr drew how about that yeah maybe yeah he's not perfect he's not no um but i i yeah i like that i like what did i say what was wrong with you he said that i that nikki he made me look him in the eyes and tell tell him i'm enough you are enough nikki look at me you are enough you are enough i don't want i don't want my ex i don't want my boyfriend to bang someone else because i don't think that i can be enough it's because i like i think it's hot i just think it's hot and i and i don't feel threatened by it i really don't because most of the time if you let your ex if you let your boyfriend bang someone else they don't really want to it's like almost like giving them the license takes away the fun the thrill of cheating so it's kind of hard to find guys that are into this and i don't always want this now listen to this podcast they're going to come floating into your desk i'm saying this for years and no one's hit me up but the guys actually don't like this because they want they want their women to only want them and it's not that i don't want them i want i if i'm i want girl
i'm very turned on by guys who other girls want to [ __ ] like i like having a guy being like he's mine and you you can't have him if you want like i get him and i know you wanna [ __ ] him but you can't but actually you can and he's gonna tell me about it later and you're gonna think that you're gonna like steal him from me but you're not we're gonna talk about you behind your back later on and i want her to have a really good time dr drew's right now just screaming taking his headphones off mickey you're enough you are you are enough i know i'm enough but i just there's it's just um what did he how did he how did you guys resolve the conversation well he was the one that was told me that i need to go see a therapist that like helps me feel my feelings i like found my therapist because dr drew was like you need to go to emotionally focused therapists because you don't feel your feelings and you need to find someone who like really mimics your feelings back to you mimics yeah because i don't really let myself get sad or get mad and i you know i just i kind of just i'm always running from one thing to the next because i don't like to i don't like to feel at all interesting yeah but it's but he just said that yeah my that compulsion to have but it's always been there like whenever i'm with a guy i want to hear about like when was the last time you hooked up what happened where what did you do what like i want to know all those things and they think it's a trap they're like oh you're going to get jealous and this is going to lead to like fights later on but i want to like hear about it and talk about it and i don't know it just it really does it for me i i it's it's a weird thing and he rejects that yeah he thinks he thinks that it's it means that i have low self-esteem which i'm not denying i do but that's not what it is i don't but i don't think that's where i mean maybe that's where it comes from but it does i don't think it is i think it's a sexual kink yeah it's not i'm not a cuck
i'm not in the corner like oh you're [ __ ] my boyfriend like like sad about like oh could girl be a [ __ ] yeah i didn't know a girl could be a cop i'm sure they could i i mean well if you're just like my one would stop [ __ ] my boyfriend like i could see that but no i'm like in the corner like do it and i don't even want to be involved i'm just like haha i love it she's getting it and like and i'm not i don't i don't know why i'm not jealous i first of all i've been [ __ ] by enough guys who haven't wanted to be with me afterwards so i don't think that my boyfriend's gonna [ __ ] someone and be like i need to marry her if anything he's gonna be like i need to get away from this ch like it'll it'll make him not want to [ __ ] yeah yeah that usually does it based on my experience when you have sex with a guy he doesn't really want to hang out with you afterwards that is hilarious so the way to keep your man is to let him [ __ ] other girls that way he won't want to be with them anymore yes and if he does want to be with them go be with them well i don't want to keep you from that but i i just i have a lot of self-esteem in terms of like i'm a cool chick i feel like yeah i'm a lot as you said on the last podcast and i've never gotten them out of my head no no i am a lot and that's a good thing that that bothered you when i said you're a lot it didn't bother me but it i felt seen joe wrote yeah i felt like wow he i don't know i i just i i didn't know what to think of you before we have hung out and we really only hung out on the podcast which is like a real hang i mean this is no different than if we were alone together and just hanging out as comics but um yeah i just felt like my god you really you just you showed me a part of myself that i was maybe denying because i just picture myself like i'm such a cool chick i'm so fun and easy like why does anyone like me and then you go well you're a lot and it was just like
[ __ ] like maybe i'm not the total package that i think i am and that's okay i'm alive a lot is not bad it's not okay no it's not when i say you're a lot it's like whoa there's a lot going on there it's not it's not but am i enough are you enough look at me say you're enough nicky yeah you're enough you make me look what you would say say you're a lot say you're a lot i'm a lot joe say you're alive i'm alive you know you're a lot i don't you've said you're a lot the whole podcast because well now i know i'm a lot yeah oh you didn't know until i said it no idea jesus i thought i was kind of easy going and chill but i am totally not and i'm alive i am chilling really fun and i let my boyfriend bang other people but like or i would be into discussing that happening but um yeah i'm a lot and that's okay it's okay for sure yeah you're fun yeah you're hilarious i can be really fun i think that's also it has to be a part of why you're such a good comic it has to be it has to be those two things have to be connected yes all that madness is comes out in the creativity and it comes down to your writing and it comes out your performance so yeah that's part of why it's so good thanks man but you have to know that right anybody who does what we do is crazy yeah there's no way around it we're all crazy it's just but every my crazy is different than doug stanhope's crazy which is different than just keep going down the line everybody's got their own ali wong's got her own crazy everyone's got their own crazy yeah insecurity yeah um yeah yeah i i but for you when it comes together it makes great comedy yeah i'm intense yes and it does i'm really intense i am you are and i and i'm already like going over things i've said here and i'm like i am never going to find a [ __ ] husband
but you're right not true i will 100 thanks man yeah no doubt yeah just because someone is this guy like now listening to this i need to find her yes i'm gonna get hit up a lot on this thing i knew she was out there thank you yeah i i i'll be i'll be the person i end up with will take me as i am i'm not i can't i can't change for anyone anymore i've been doing that too much but yeah will i get the tonight show after this interview but that's good you don't want it what [ __ ] would you want to do with that thing i mean i would like to host a late night talk show some day but will they be doing it on the internet no one should ever try to censor you no way what makes you fun and interesting and special is you all of you yeah all of you that you showed here not some weird proctor and gamble version of you that's gonna sell tampons on some late night [ __ ] show the [ __ ] out of here with that that would be a waste of you if you had to do the ellen degeneres show it would be a [ __ ] waste of you right like if they get rid of ellen because she's so mean and they bring in nikki glazer and you have to pretend you give a [ __ ] about dancing for all these people i like dancing i bet you do but you'd also like to talk about getting gagged and i know but i can and they'll never give me that show because i've admitted this these things but but that is what you should talk about i know but i could be more than those things i could just say i could save that for here no you are all those things you can do other things here as well right now i mean here is in the internet yes yes you can do other things that you could talk about everything you want to talk about not just little segments you have to save parts of it the the the parts that are disturbing for some people save that for the people that get it from my patreon subscribers i was gonna say that
patreon but you don't have a latest patreon that that world is [ __ ] that that world of like censored like you don't know the one of the reasons why the ellen thing is so fascinating to people when people find out that she's mean they're like like you know that's not all she thinks about and talks about when she's doing that show right like if we found out that jimmy fallon was secretly doing heroin and [ __ ] guys he'd be like i knew it i knew you couldn't be that that same guy all the time it's just two two but that's what disney what why do why why is that the way it is though i don't think why do people i don't think they do then why aren't advertisers investing in people who are being honest in in well they are they're well now they're on podcasts yeah i have a lot of ads no i know you do but this is you're leading the chat people but this is this is this is mainstream now like the world of television like the censored view of things it's not viable anymore because it's not real humans so that's why the ratings are terrible the ratings are terrible because it's not compelling because you only scratch the surface of human potential of of a human personality of human interest you only just you dabble in this very shallow pool and you're but oh we're swimming look at us in here swimming stand stand up it's ankle high you're not swimming you're lying on your stomach in a [ __ ] kiddie pool where other people are jumping into the ocean of ideas and that's the difference but don't we rest getting in so much trouble with who i mean yeah some ads look i'm sure well i know for a fact i've said things on this podcast where i've lost sponsors but then more of them come in they take their place yeah like you're not a bad person you're a good person that's what i keep going back to because sometimes i feel like a bad person about the things i talk about you know you're not no there's nothing about you that's a bad person
you're just honest about the way your brain works and everybody's brain works differently we're all weird we're all weird and different but you don't know who's weird that's why the ellen thing is so interesting to people because like she's mean she's secretly mean so she pretends to be nice but she's mean you know like if somebody just pretends to be this version of someone that we see in a mary poppins movie or we see in some sort of a disney television show like that's what freaks people out like like why is that person that like i think mr rogers was really like that i do too i think we were getting that's he was honest yeah that was his honor that really was him but that's so rare but if you found out that mr rogers was a secret [ __ ] you like to spit on people at red lights you know like you'd be like what mister that's why people are freaking out about ellen because they're freaking out because it was a bit of what we thought it's a scam yeah people feel deceived it's also a tyranny of being like the one person who's in charge of this whole empire and all these people hundreds of people work around they're like helen can i get your tea ellen would you like crackers ellen would you like to you know shut up get away get away from me yeah i'll have to say for people who don't know joe rogan off the show is you're like exactly i was just gonna try to make a joke but i'm like there is no joke to be made you're exactly the same i don't think i could be i don't think i could fake it that long right like i've i've done 1500 and whatever the [ __ ] are these things and look i've i've displayed bad behavior i've displayed anger and stupidity i've said stupid [ __ ] have you seen regretted oh [ __ ] [ __ ] for sure you leave some questions like god why did i say that if you made it have you made rules for yourself really you ever get high afterwards and
i think about things i said i was like oh i know that's why i'm scared to get high later it's the thinking about being mean to people that's sort of that's something to people or like talking about people talking yeah just that's gonna hurt someone's feelings i know that's that's what i freaked out about too well that comes well there we go people who are actually mean don't worry about hurting people's feelings they just say it and they don't go back and go oh no what did i say that's the mark of actually being a good person they say honest things that actually hurt people and then you get hot i get high and i go i shouldn't have said it that way but i really did mean at the time but i don't want to hurt that person yeah i just want to come and take that out do you apologize to you i have apologized before yeah i've done all those things like when you're doing what we're doing and you know this is we're three hours in now right it's 3 38 right now crazy time flies it really does when we're doing what we're doing we're we have no script i mean we only shared a couple of text messages i didn't even talk to you on the phone no no there's no guest prep i'm not i'm not getting interviewed before here and what do you want to talk about and you have a list of things yeah we go wild i know anything can happen i was like trying to prepare for this like what am i going to talk to about and i go drop that yeah there's no agenda well if we did that there's no way you would have been so wild the way you no exactly so you're gonna this is a it's a [ __ ] you're thinking what should i do joe okay before we i really came here i needed i need advice from you in like a real way and you just like what you just said to me really meant a lot by the way i needed to hear a i'm not a bad person for the things i said i shouldn't regret anything i say today because i've already um second guessing that and um that uh then there was i forget you're a very funny comic thank you that that felt
good too i am going to be in pittsburgh next thursday and then new jersey what are you doing you're doing a drama i'm doing a drive-in theater in uh butler pennsylvania this coming thursday cake.com yes yell it out tell us please come see me my dad's opening for me i'm bringing my dad to open for me he's a musician and we're we're singing a song together that's [ __ ] hilarious that we're writing i'm so excited we're doing a parody of um lady gaga and bradley cooper's shallow we're talking about me living under his roof it's so good he's a really good musician and i'm i can do a pretty good lady gaga and so i'm really working on that but um so yeah i please can i plug my dates i have four they can come see me august 27th through 30th send some songs go to mickeyglazer.com i got four dates coming up all outdoor shows pittsburgh new jersey massachusetts and connecticut all right be nice to each other people much love [Music] bye