Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqUAIrhzDP8
that's it we're in motion Nikki Glaser aka Marshalls new best friend oh nice to hear yeah you definitely as new but really for sure didn't you see but I feel like he likes everyone does like everyone okay he likes you right now for sure he likes you yes jumped all over you it was so awesome I love him I needed it so bad is a rare dog he is weird right it's instantly like he looked I told you when he came in you I didn't hadn't even seen you yet and he just saw me and it's like we met our eyes met across the room and he just like found it towards me it felt so good he runs to you like you're his best friend yeah like he's I can see you again yes and forever like I just got back from war and he's my child licking my face just so excited ah yeah I start to whimper in believer here it's so and you let you just hug him yeah I've never had a golden before golden retriever they're like the nicest dogs of all time I've only had mutts that we've collected from the Humane Society that didn't you know that are abused and Danny lucky with them yeah I'm good lucky but so good and what you were talking about your dog didn't want you to touch it for a year that was my dog oldest daughter had this little tiny dog it was part chihuahua and part Australian sheep Australian herd dog Shepherd dog forget what this but it was very much like a chihuahua a very small dog and he was terrified of me [ __ ] a year wouldn't let me come anywhere near him like come on do it I'm telling you I love dogs and it really wasn't until we got Marshall and then he saw me with a little tiny puppy it's like oh this dude is alright and then like he wanted to play with Marshall so he got close to me and then I pet his head and then next thing you know he's hopping in my lap and then you know after that he would just run to me and like literally jump in my arms yeah it's in that super rewarding to like see that change and see when a dog finally accepts love and it's just been abused it's just beautiful it's sad though when you like what happened to you like why are you scared of men I would kill to know what happened to my rescue dogs that I gave to my parents but I had them for two years I've had quite a few dogs in my life that were rescue dogs and some one was one of the
once I ever had a friend of a friend found it eating at a garbage cans and she was covered in mange like her like half her body was like hairless it was really sad yeah but she was a really sweet dog was tough to tell old she was she looked like she was like 2 or 3 yeah and I took her in and like within like a month she had all her hair back she was fully plumped up yeah and that was like the nicest dog like she was like nice dogs have ever had yeah it's my dog that I got bit me on the first day and drew blood and I was just like I'm getting rid of this thing this isn't gonna last I was just fostering it yeah and then it switched at some point it it loved me and I like learned how to love I just like went in too soon and it just was a it was abused before it came with this whole backstory of like it might the rescue people told me it was found in an alley behind a Pizza Hut and he was living off Pizza and a kid tried they did this whole story I think a lot of rescue places make up stories you're like more inclined to get these things because they come with the story because I checked later on to be like which Pizza Hut was it because I wanted to bring Luigi my dog back to the Pizza Hut it came from just to see if it like remember TSD I kind of wanted and she goes I think that was just a story we made I was like oh come on they make up stories that's so dirty because it moves dogs man yeah whatever they can do to move those dogs give him names give him a story he slept on a pizza crust as a pillow you know like just any kind of thing that makes them did you know that PETA kills thousands of dogs but I've heard any time I post anything about PETA I have a bunch of people saying they're the worst well they're not the worst but what they are is they're the the origins of PETA is the Animal Liberation Organization the the origins of PETA the people that originally founded PETA believe that all animals including pets should be free they don't believe in domesticated animals okay and well that's preposterous he's having a great time yeah being a pet is the I have actually said if I could be reincarnated it would be a rich person's golden retriever I've said that I didn't realize your dog is what I want to come
back at it's the best life the best life that dog is only known love yeah what stress happens in that dog's life occasionally he can't go out like if I'm injured or something like that for like weeks at a time but PETA kills animals because they think that their policy is that it's you're more free to be dead than you are I don't know well I don't want to put words number I think that's it they definitely kill animals but they kill them quick that's the thing they're not out there trying to find owners for them oh that's the knock on them the knocking the Animal Liberation Organization I mean they've like broken into like they're the type of people that like break into [ __ ] supermarkets and release the lobsters back to the ocean be free be free my time into it Joe are you I'm into it I'm a total vegan I know you're leading her I know you are but those lobsters have always made me so sad why they're bugs do you swat mosquitos I rarely kill bugs when mosquitoes are [ __ ] you up you just let him please divinely eat me drink of my blood no you or me now I am you and if you give me malaria then so be it I just okay maybe not like I'm not crazy okay I come over to your house your house is filled with roaches I hand you bug spray do you use it um yes because roaches roaches can [ __ ] although I did have an instance and this is true I was in the shower and I was it was having I get really vegan and really when I'm depressed I get more vegan than ever it's like what throws me and do it I'm just feeling too much and then I feel for every animal and it just gets out of control so if I'm ever you know going off about vegan propaganda on my Instagram someone should check in on me I'm in a dark place yes and one day I was in the shower and there was a dying house centipede like drowning the grossest bug known to man like it's there's half centipede half spider they're disgusting they've I don't hate anything more than creature and I was like you know what I can't kill it I want to save it and just take it outside and I'll like tell my vegan front like I'll be like such a good vegan today so I got out of the shower and like he went you get out of the shower and you think you're just
like you just don't need a towel I'm just gonna grab something and you like traipse like a lazy river throughout your house because there's I did that made a huge mess get a paper towel come back and pick it up and I'm so scared to do it and I and I like I'm so proud of myself too I can't wait to [ __ ] tell the vegans and I open and I'm so scared because I want to see if it's still alive and it was a clump of pubes it wasn't even um oh yeah so I but which looks exactly mine your pubes it that dark eye yeah dude yeah this is all bottle it's a bottle a battle yeah I mean they're not like dark dark but centipedes how centipedes are like blonde they're kind of like dirty blocks you know that hair bleach is not vegan right listen what I said that [ __ ] listen I know but there's so many time not a perfect vegan and I don't claim to be but um I love the idea of veganism I love the idea that you love animals and I want to cause harm I love the idea just the practical application and the health implications just that doesn't sit with me really yeah protein well it's not protein it's there's a lot of different things that you get from animals omega fatty acids from grass-fed animals and salmon and things like that that are just choline which is very difficult to get outside of animal products b12 very difficult to get outside of animal products okay my problem with I don't care if you hunt I don't care if you are on a farm and the animals are treated well it's just all about how you check that before factory farming is my big issue ninety percent of all my meat I kill myself that's what that's why when people's you know they often cite you as like is it a cool of Joey it's me I'm like yes because he's hunting at all also if I shoot if I shoot like two animals I eat them the whole year like I can't they animals yeah elk or deer like if I eat a deer I'll eat that for four months like for four months that's cool I'm fine with that and I feed my dog it my dog eats mostly raw elk me really yeah it's one of the reasons why he's so healthy yeah it gets I mean dog food is horseshit like what the [ __ ] is my animal dicks and [ __ ] all ground up that dog eats elk
he eats mostly elk you can tell he's super healthy he's beautiful but yeah I mean that's the problem I had also a murderer yes I was a squirrel murderer you got him anywhere near a squirrel and everything changes yeah his little eyes are rolled back in his head and they go black he's caught sound like a shark he has and then he eats that for four months he'll enough that's okay no he doesn't even eat him just for some up comes back inside he wants you to see takes pictures he yeah yeah scroll his mouth you with that dog let me just say iPhone you have the best your happiness like comes out in your face so like when you smile it's not a fake smile your selfies with that dog after a hike I love them so much I'm so happy I am he's my buddy you're so happy you are right yeah I'm pretty happy I want to come back as you reincarnated complicated it is it's been a long time to water me you know yeah people don't be certain whatever you you don't want to be me you're a woman it would be so crazy it seems pretty good I think so seems pretty great to be Joe Rogan I mean I mean what is the downside of being you I really want to know if you if someone was interested in becoming you what are some were some warnings you give them yeah otherwise the demons will catch you catch you but you love working out yeah I love working out for two reasons one because it makes me feel good and two because I don't want the demons to catch me what are these demons demons tell me anger anger demons yeah most men of anger demons because most men have a certain amount of work there's a requirement that your body has in terms of like the expenditure of energy if you don't meet that requirement you get antsy and then you get agitated when you see people flipping people off in traffic and going [ __ ] crazy and Road ragin what do you think that is for most people it's this this like excess of energy losing out like an overflowing battery and they don't know what to do with it hmm you know and if you have any sort of a history of violence or extreme like like combat sports or contact sports like football or anything athletic that's involving a lot of aggression like that's sort of inherently a part of who you are and then where do you put that when you're not doing that exactly exercise that
[ __ ] out yeah you were talking about this with the other day with the boys talking about sober October about how when you work out you don't your do it when you were last October doing five hours a day on a treadmill or whatever the hell you were doing you had you couldn't feel anything afterwards there was some kind of residual you were talking I didn't even comprehend it because I've never worked out that much we were talking about how nothing bothers nothing bothers nothing nothing because you're so tired no no because I'm not that that's the crazy thing is you get in really good shape hmm and then you're not that it's not that you're that tired it's just that you're even like all that you're the way you process things there's no like wow who the [ __ ] was this guy think he is there's none of that none of that it's like someone flips you off on look at that guy flipping me off and like registers zero it doesn't mean that you don't love things or get passionate about things but all the internal negative chatter is gone all of it all of the all the pitfalls and psychological traps that your your mind will lay for you if you don't give it a lot of activity if you don't occupy it I think that's a lot of what people go through in their life with anxiety with all sorts of different issues I think we have like human reward systems that are built in that that helped us survive from the [ __ ] caveman days and those are still a part of our DNA and if those athletic requirements or physical movement requirements aren't met your body just gets agitated it just like [ __ ] it just wants to do something Jesus Christ and you're just watching TV and then you know and then your neighbor's dog is barking like we shut that [ __ ] thing up it's just releasing that energy you would have been releasing if by gathering nuts or whatever something physical anything for [ __ ] hiking anything yeah that's why people are happier and healthier when they use their body it's just it's not as simple as like a people like look at it like intelligent people unfortunately a lot of them look at it like it's a vanity thing and they don't want to be caught up in a vanity thing so they don't care
about their body but it's not that your but you are your body they're inseparable your mind is a part of your body your body is a part of your mind it's all together but what about your thoughts how do you what are your feelings on thoughts what am i feelings on your like for me thoughts are what caused all of the anxiety and all of the depression and all of the anger it's not having control of my thoughts it's letting my thoughts control me and as soon as I learn meditation and the idea that my thoughts were not me and that they were these external things that I could choose to either indulge in or bat away right then I was able to really gain like a hold over my anxiety and depression that I had not before when I thought my thoughts were just like oh I'm thinking this thought it's true it's me I created it let me keep going with it yeah do you do you feel like what how do you don't you think meditation helps you with your anger also for sure for sure but it's not it's not like anger like I'm just randomly angry walking around things I just have my physical requirements yes your money you want some fake beer it's so zero I can't yeah I mean I don't drink and this is absurd to me that I would have a beer it's a fake beer it's not like I don't miss the taste of alcohol what no who misses that no one would drink alcohol if it didn't get you effed up I would drink these it is good really yeah I love it this tastes like the st. Louis funnybone which is a great taste it does it tastes like the st. Louis funnybone 2009 living my best slow when was the last time you drank 2011 December 9th Cleveland hilarities after the show you're like I'm done I well I just had a couple beers to close out the evening was by myself just gonna go you're shooting heroin I don't know what happened I I well I was at a point in my life where it was like this has gotta stop because my hangovers were getting so ridiculous and debilitating for a whole day and I was just doing you know I would black out from like two drinks because my mind John Mulaney has a great joke about it where he says he would black out very quickly after a couple drinks cuz his mind was like we know where this is going shutting down early like if you
know it's gonna be you're gonna black out your brain just blacks out earlier right cuz every time I drink I would black out so wow I just I woke up that morning and I had only had a it wasn't a hard night of drinking couple beers but I was just the sickest I've ever been and the thing about hangovers that I really had to look at was like the best part about being sick if you're gonna find the best part about being sick it's that people feel sorry for you give babies a little bit you get a nurturing from your friends and family that you don't get when you're healthy but when you're hungover no one gives you that so you're sick and you don't even get the only good thing about being sick which is people feeling sorry for you everyone's like you piece of [ __ ] you did this to yourself so I was like in the shower Anna in the fetal position thinking this is how I should feel if I'm dying like I really don't want to feel this bad unless I am on my way out so I'm not doing this anymore and I read a book and when I was done what was the book that use the way to stop drinking by Alan Carr what's the easy way easy way is you read this book and then you're done at the end of it and what he does well I'd used his method to stop smoking the easy way to stop smoking by Alan Carr so many people have read it it's the one book that when you've tried everything else nothing else works this book my mom quit smoking after 35 plus years know so many of my friends I heard about it I think like Ellen DeGeneres and Ashton Kutcher I heard a bunch of celebrities kind of talking about it I read the book and you can smoke while you read it and then by the end of the book he just promises you he goes go have a cigarette and you're just like no I don't want to and I don't need to his method is and this thing he does with drinking any excuse you have to do that thing he talks you out of it he tells you a reason why your excuse is actually [ __ ] and there's no science behind it that and he he disproves any reason that you have to do it and we've been brainwashed by tobacco and alcohol industries to believe that quitting is really hard and quitting alcohol is hard if you have an addiction you can like die from it obviously but with tobacco it's part of their propaganda to tell
you that it's hard to quit smoking they're the ones pushing that must method or a message which seems like why would they tell people it's hard but they're doing that because if it's hard you won't quit so that has been their message to be like it's so hard to quit smoking it's so hard when really it's not the huh no the the withdrawal symptoms of not smoking lasts up to two weeks I think it's less than I think it's like seven to eleven days and the discomfort caused by wanting a cigarette is the same discomfort as being a little bit hungry you're a little bit annoying it's like it's not insurmountable it's it's uncomfortable but it's it passes after seven to eleven days I think it is and then it's all even when you're going through it it's not that bad but it's it's the psychological effect of thinking it's hard that makes it then hard mmm so once he proves to you it's not that hard and any excuse you have to smoke which is like it calms me down um it raises your blood pressure so that's inaccurate it makes me more social actually it isolates you you know if you really look at it every time you smoke you feel kind of bad people think you staying like it just every excuse you have and then he did it with drinking too I went through this book I read it you can drink while you read the book you have to want to quit to pick up the book you have to want to be like I want this out of my life I don't know how to get it out of my life and I gave this book to so many of my friends and my friends don't drink anymore and a lot of them you know use program or other things to supplement but all I needed was this book and I was done and I'll tell you I drank every single night of my life and I never thought I could live without it it was just I was just like anyone listening that's like no no no you don't understand all my friend drink it's my life it's my social life it's my work life it was everything to me it's all I look forward to yeah I'll never go like this when my friend enters a bar again like I'll never do that I will never greet a friend with she's here yes yes yes that's that you that was me that was like that's something I miss I'll never have that kind of to drink enthusiasm anymore but because I don't drink I am [ __ ] killing it my life changed
I can trace my careers before and after like on the dot hmm so you know it's not for everyone if you have a problem you should maybe look into it but that book seriously changed my life that sounds amazing and there was no like difficulty in quitting none it really was easy I never maybe a couple times I felt like hah I'd be nice to have a drink you know I was dating a guy that like just wanted to have a glass of wine with me and I'm like well I can't I just have a glass of wine and I've been tempted and I don't think that I would go off the deep end again but but but I don't I just I go back to that book and I'm just like I just any reason I can give myself it's just really it isn't true and I'm better without it well it's definitely not true if you're drinking it every night and you're blacking out yeah but if you just have a cup of glass of wine with dinner it feels nice oh I know lubricant you have fun with friends start laughing and joking around but you don't have that ability to stop there is that I could for a few months and then it would trickle into exactly the voice you at every people are listening and I know you relate to this of you go I'm just gonna have to tonight but then that person and you go promise yourself you're just gonna have to but then you get that voice drunk and that voice is like have another come on you can't talk to yours you can't plan for how you're gonna feel two drinks in because you get drunk and then you it just keeps going you miss it man even I have a bit about that about drunk driving the problems not the problems not whether or not you can drive drunk the problem is even thinking you can drive drunk when you're drunk you don't know what the [ __ ] you can do or can't do yeah I think that's why guys get in fights of people way bigger than them when they're drunk and they don't even know how to fight you're you're stupider yeah when you're drunk you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] when you're drunk so the idea that you could drive drunk like I'm fine like you don't even know if you're fine that's the problem yes the problem is you're drunk and that's a big part of the book is talking to people about this liquid courage that everyone cites I mean link
I think because I can't go onstage if I don't have a drink I need a drink to talk to the girl and it's not courage what you're doing is you're making yourself more stupid you're actually making yourself more I don't know know if the word is correct but more you're retarding yourself mm-hmm and you're making yourself more mentally disabled careful throwing around that artwork I know sure seriously on this show it's a that's a real term retarding and even [ __ ] it has nothing to do with down syndrome has nothing to do with disease right and we've got a problem with that word yes country I can't I'm not going to a movie the R word but I can call a mental state the R word that's cool um what about a movement that's retarding growth yeah movement retarding the masses retarding would not [ __ ] you you won't say [ __ ] so strangely we can say [ __ ] cat but we can't say [ __ ] imagine it was like a [ __ ] bird you know what I mean and like you could say [ __ ] bird and everybody's like okay that's what someone called me before we'll get us demonetized from YouTube before you to Jamie isn't that what you said do you say what they say I've heard someone said the word and that's the reason c-word they said the word two and a half hours into the podcast so the entire podcast was demolish what yeah we should go back and beep it see if they change it go back and play okay Connie I love that word right word I feel empowered by that word if someone calls me a Contin like really yeah you know why for the same reason when people were saying Hillary was a crook I was like good Oh a bad person I don't even care like I'm just like yeah we can do it all I feel like there's women that aren't crooks that don't know if you're gonna have a woman president let's have one that's not a murdered look yeah cool yeah the first one was like impeccable but I'm just saying when people were saying that argument I was like good I don't even [ __ ] care I'd like I like a strong just a woman doing things that men normally do I love it you know that's the same kind of argument that people use for Trump what do you mean when they say he's an [ __ ] and he's a thief who cares [ __ ] it he's a man yeah yeah yeah he's not a
politician he's not a man she's a crook at least she's not a man to do it too yeah yeah that's a good ok team team in town okay I don't like that okay I take it back but I did have that feeling like the word [ __ ] though I just don't if someone calls me a [ __ ] I'm like wow I really like spoke up that tells me I'm doing something right the real problem is words it's not the real problem is people have intent their intent is the same no matter what noise comes out of their mouth words are just conveying intent when you make words Banna ball outlaw words you're playing a fool's game that's a fool's game because all words are supposed to be as tools that convey intent you can't say that that word is exactly the same every times it's used without without regard to the context yeah that's crazy because you could say that to your friend and you could both be laughing and love each other like you could say you're [ __ ] crazy [ __ ] and she's like ah and you both fall on the ground howling laughing up no one got hurt at all or you could say it to your mom and it'll cut deep don't hurt her deeply and then it's awful it's an awful use of the word because you're just conveying your thoughts and your intent it's not a [ __ ] sound that you make with your mouth it's the problem the problem is the way people treat each other and this stupid game that people play where they outlaw certain words or ban certain words or D monetize YouTube videos for certain words that is a fool's game stand right here a child you're playing a child's game and history will not be kind to you you will you'll be looked at as a [ __ ] buffoon that's a fact well buffoon we'll probably be a word in five years that you will get in trouble for using right now I'm just thinking what words now are we using that are gonna get us canceled in five years people of color really you think people of color is gonna that's the that's the that's the mode is that okay when you can't say colored interesting impossible interest nonsense what nonsense yeah you can don't beat the [ __ ] out of you but if you say people of color they'll go okay cool whoa what are you a baby what are we doing here this is nonsense yeah it's foolish I'm
scared we're all people of color like what color are we you know I'm darker than you yeah and you're probably darker than bill burr what the [ __ ] what are we doing what are we doing it's crazy are you worried ever I mean you're your own you can't get cancelled I'm my own boss that helps a lot and I'm nice I know I'm nice I'm always nice I'm nice to everybody even if you don't disagree with me I'll talk to you like I'm I work hard on being nice it means a lot to me it means a lot for me to have good experiences with people you are nice and I think people are extremely intimidated by you as was i but in the end really really nice what do you mean you have to work hard on it I work hard on being nice I mean I think was there time that you weren't nice in your life when I was young yeah I was very mean yeah but that was because it was competing in martial arts all the time was involved in violent things but you should have been like you said before that should have been getting it out of your system and then you would have been playing I was competing it was before I was doing comedy yeah I was competing all the time it was mine and also I wasn't I was too young to understand like what was important and what wasn't important so my my eyes were entirely unsuccess at all costs I just wanted to dominate I just wanted to figure out a way to win always and so I was just mean like you know I was and I would enjoy hurting people and that's what I was doing when I was knocking people out I would enjoy it but I liked it because they were trying to do it to me what about comedy haven't you approached it the same way No you don't care about I mean you've you've achieved everything that one can achieve doing come like what does have to do with being mean no I mean like you want you got off on being the best you needed to compete you you would you know I just try to do my best at common hmm I just try to do my best yeah you're not looking I'm not trying to be first of all I think that like awards or rankings or anything like that when it comes to art is ridiculous like the this is the Emmy award-winning movie this is the Oscar award-winning this this is the [ __ ] the Grammy Award winning song
like shut the [ __ ] up what you're doing is this is a business and the business is getting people to see who's number one and so all these advertisers pay to watch the show or to promote on the show and people watch it I wonder who's gonna win best album of the year like it's crazy there's a million great albums every year how many thousands of albums are out and how many people subjectively look at those albums and say god this one really moved me this one spoke to me in a dark time yeah this one really picked up me up at the gym this I [ __ ] love this one it reminds me of my husband or my wife and this is you know the idea that one is better than the other it's like it's so subjective it's crazy you're right I mean Liz owes album came out in 2016 and everyone slept on it until this year so you're absolutely right even know who she was until I saw her dancing around on some award show I'm like that one where she busted out the flute like her vagina where it amazing she's lit I didn't want to let I didn't want to like it so much power so much power she's got so much energy sexy like I was just like turned on by the whole thing I really did you got turned on I just get like if she grabbed you by the bag and just stuffed you in there you'd be all good stuff to me down in her vagina yeah kind of ilysm would go down on Liz Oh would you a hundred percent and I've never gone down on a girl although it is kind of on my bucket list it's on your box I want to be able to say I've done it it's not something I crave but I'm going to do it what some point of my life good luck ladies whoever you are I have my I on a couple yeah I'm happy no uh it's it's weird cuz I like do you not have like a male gaze do you what do you mean like you have your eye on them well the guy has his eye on a girl he'll be creepy if the girls not into it like oh Jesus here comes this oh right oh here comes Nikki trying to eat my [ __ ] again I test the waters and I'm like have you ever like done anything with a girl cuz I've never even done anything with a girl's so I mean I made out with my girlfriends in high school but that was before I even kissed a boy and I just wanted to kissed I just want to try it yeah but since then never fooled around with a girl but there's some that I'm just like I can't help that I'm I'm
attract and I not I don't consider myself gay but I'm on the spectrum somewhere I'm on then I could do it it recently I've been like yeah I need to I need to need to get in there eat some puss woo because I've never done it and I expect men to do it to me right I think I should understand what it's like and um and be able to empathize and no guy thinks that is straight about sorry oh yeah I know I know hmm maybe I should suck a couple dicks are just cuz you could see what that's like just tastes just lick your own finger if you get some come on it just to experience it yeah maybe maybe but what else is on your bucket list um I think that's it and I really hope that I get this accomplished before I'm like dying and like 88 or something in my grandkids have to like find a nurse to squat over my [ __ ] bed like one thing or like you're old and rich and successful some lady does not want you eat ur [ __ ] but she does want a Gucci bag I'll definitely be able to buy that [ __ ] a Gucci bag my face will look like one at that point yeah bucket list do you have any bucket list things no no no you've already done them all yeah I don't have anything everything I'm doing I like to keep doing I would like to be in a I would like to be in love and loved back as much as I love I would like to be in a loving relationship at some point it doesn't have to last forever but I I know that sounds like sounds good yeah and I don't think it's it might not happen and I'm okay with that I wouldn't have young whoa all right you could I could totally die young yeah we get all that we could all get hit in the head by a meteor right now come right do something good at the an earthquake like yeah and then I would die without having a [ __ ] [ __ ] in my mouth or love in my heart loving you never be in a relationship with a woman yeah probably really yeah I mean I really want a relationship with a man first usually takes around with a dog collar on your neck I mean I don't want to be a sex slave I only in the bedroom do I wanna I don't want to be one out and about not as sexy but in the bedroom yeah I'm down to be again slave does
this woman wrote me recently because she knows that I'm into like bondage and somebody I saw that on your Instagram yeah yeah it truly is I mean I I like it because it is forced laziness like I say in my joke like it you can't do anything to a guy like and by the way it's not that they don't like doing things to men it's just that I feel like I'm not good at a lot of those things I've bad rhythm so like jerking guys or like sucking dick I just I'd rather you do it to me sucking dick makes sense it's really hard for a guy to suck his own dick but jerking off I used to have a joke about it like having a girl jerk you off like trying to brush your teeth with your left hand hilarious no matter what it's like you can't do it right yes if you ever try to brush your teeth my right hand knows where everything so trail my right hand just [ __ ] cuz yeah it knows yes that's why I like when guys grab my head and just just like take take take though take the wheel take the way you don't know what you want hmm but I'm getting better at it but I'm trying I've had to like give some [ __ ] just out of like I need to practice when a girl can jerk you off of a girl jerked you off she's really good at you like Jesus how many guys you jerk we can't win can we he'll no you can't no no you can win you just go now I felt really good thank you for acknowledging it no hand jobs I just well I feel like fingering to like girls probably are like way better at finger no get in there I love being fingered God is the best I love it you know different girls and guys girls have smaller hands like thick fingers like a Mason good guy who is a bricklayer get him up there get them all up there I don't mind it I just like it because it just I've never enjoyed masturbation with my own hand because I feel like it's like tickling myself like this does not make me laugh but if anyone did that to me a good guy you know it just I can predict my own movements oh I don't what about toys I do use toys but I and I talked about one of my special particularly that's amazing that sucks your [ __ ] by the way your special is out right now right now by man or Netflix right now right now banging banging yeah yeah good name yeah thank you thanks a lot and I appreciate that I worked really hard on it I wanted
to call it [ __ ] men because it's about like [ __ ] men but it's also like about [ __ ] men but Netflix was like no that's we want children to watch I'm like chill children I mean they were just like it's gonna make it so like children well not children but it might be more censored to different demographics of our audience and like well the people that couldn't handle that title shouldn't be watching it anyway right but whatever I'm glad banging works and also I'm going on tour I just want to say I'm going on tour January for my first theater tour the banging out tour and tickets are on sale and I really want people to go because it's gonna be all new material anyway very excited when did you film I filmed in May in May oh that's a good time yeah and I filmed another special 20 minutes special for the degenerates on Netflix that comes out at in December damn look at you an hour and a twenty-minute one yeah oh you're crazy yeah I got a lot of material man I'm just on the people go you stuff so much material it's like if I didn't there'd be something wrong I'm on I perform every night I would be so bored if I wasn't cranking it out that's the key right yes it is but last time I was here we went on over all your notes ever I think about you all the time because I'm like I need to organize my jokes better and go over them and I just I just can't do it I just but I'm gonna try I'm gonna start I want it well why couldn't you be that cutting there's absolutely yeah I could may I know but but it's you know it would help right yeah it would help or no but I'm killing it as is look at you you know what I mean like why fix something that ain't broke like yeah my I could be better than that's the thing no one will ever know how good I could be if I actually tried as hard as I cuz I don't try as hard as I can if you work so hard and I'm like you don't understand how much I'm not working like I don't write down any joke it's all a one word in my notes I don't go I don't listen to old sets the only reason I record sets I record every set it's so that if I die tragically that my parents can use my recordings and like make money from like my lost tapes I truly I gave my parents my cellphone password so they can get in there and
get them money off me you know who I hear is a [ __ ] crazy hard workers Michelle wolf oh dear god yes I heard she writes two hours every day I can't even be around her because she's always talking about jokes and writing and it makes me insecure about not writing enough hilarious if you do it your way yeah it's it's all about how much time and focus you put on stand-up and there's probably a point of no return like or diminishing returns where you too much work into it and it feels flat and stale yes or overwriting mm-hmm I'm sure there were a couple jokes I did on the degenerates taping that were brand new and I just did them not because I needed to but because I was like these are more exciting to me than my old stuff let me just do it and then the next weekend I go on the road and the joke becomes even better I have more tags or whatever but then a week after that I'm like it's even better I've added more and it's not better the first version of it was always the best and I'm glad I put that down because sometimes it gets too convoluted and you get away from the I'm glad I got some of that stuff out there because sometimes the first time you say it is sometimes sometimes most of the time for me it gets better mostly time for me I get better version okay the only the only time that changes is when something is like really current like something happens that day and I go on stage about it that day right right yeah yeah the first time you say something is usually like you have the most energy for it in a second because you know it already killed once and then the second is usually about me it's the process always is getting the bit tighter and better it always gets better I've never it's very rare that I have a bit and it's really good in the beginning and then after a few months I it flattens out usually just the tags get better yeah tighten it up but especially we doing a lot of sets you get a sense of how it works how it doesn't work as long as you're still feeling the feelings that you felt when you wrote it because that's when it can if you couldn't be doing an old really long time and then you're like I'm just not even this person where this came from anymore yeah but Bill Cosby I remembered him on that comedian
documentary saying that he writes a joke and he adds like one word and then as soon as it gets not funny he takes that word out and goes back to like and but he was also like raping everyone for like many years so take him at his word we were just talking about this that some woman who's an attorney was saying that he may very well be the biggest serial rape or in history yes I mean I don't know why I was excited about that I know but it's goddamn crazy it's a crazy mr. constable and you know couldn't some of those women possibly have died from OD'ing oh sure I mean so he did a test on them to find out right what life situation conditions they might have oh yeah I mean who knows what he's people have adverse reactions to medication all that huh and back then it was who knows what that's what was in that stuff some women reported waking up being they didn't know how many days had passed they were dehydrated and disor I mean they woke up near death you know so I'm guessing he maybe it was you know I wish she would tell the truth he won't he's not he will but I wish she would tell the truth like I would love if like somewhat me he's so old now it's gonna be really hard because I'm sure he thinks about his legacy he's [ __ ] but I would love it if he could just say like what what was going through his head when he would drug them like did he think they were beneath him like what was it he had to have he had to have I think it's a celebrity thing because he always exhibited the weirdest parts of the celebrity situation like he felt above people and privilege I'll never forget he was interviewing Ron Wanda Sykes interviewed him at some award show and he chastised her for the way she was talking to him and and he was wearing sunglasses inside and he just had this arrogance about him like here's Wanda Sykes who's this hilarious comedian and she's great he should have been excited to talk to her but instead he had this feeling that he was like this royalty and he didn't you know it didn't appreciate her language or use of language Wow he raped like 150 and like like what in the [ __ ] but that that sort of I'm above everyone you know I want worked at a casino and they told me that he would eat dinner and he wanted the entire staff in his dressing room to watch him eat what yeah
yeah yeah the lady was really freaked out by it she goes he would have the entire crew like everyone Dorothy although everyone stand there while he ate curry uh who'd eat his food and then at night that was actually more entertaining than the act he was taking around at that time because I fell asleep seeing him which was ironic I really came to my college and I fell asleep this is why you're in school though yeah but you're probably talking over probably actually no no but he watch Crowe he also had the security guard tuck him in oh they said he wanted the security guard to tuck him into bed and then shut the door and turn the lights out I mean you must see this though when people have seen that that seems like super extreme how do you stay grounded and not think you're better than other people it's pretty easy first of all I do jujitsu I get my ass kicked I'm going to do a lot of difficult things that I'm not good at I think that's very important yeah do a lot of difficult things yeah but also I just don't have that attitude I've never thought that I was better than people right I'm good at certain things but it's all because of time and effort yeah you know which is on one of the reasons why it's really important to do things that you're not good at and do difficult things because it really that part of your brain where you're learning things yeah instead of just tightening up what you already know remember when you first started doing stand-up and you were like so awkward at it like it's I remember I was terrible when I was clunky and every set like this could be an emotional [ __ ] train wreck for me here we go and I was so nervous now like you know I did a set Tuesday night at The Comedy Store I go there all my friends are there we're all laughing and joke and I can't wait to get up there yeah I got the material already everybody's there to see me like hey everybody what's up it's easy so I do difficult stuff a lot of difficult things that's why sometimes they get violently high before I go onstage as a new challenge I'll be up there like what the [ __ ] are you saying what are you doing like huh like you know to the point where it's like I shouldn't be doing stand-up but it gives me a new challenge because stand-up doesn't even
raise my heart rate any but don't you think beginning really high when you go on stage opens up some weird thoughts sometimes those come in they become new bits yes all the time well a lot of people that don't drink will listen to you go wait a minute wait a minute you're not sober so you get high mm-hmm what the [ __ ] is that yeah you just substituted one addiction for another and I'll tell you yes I did yes I did because I can't I got out of something I was I was totally sober for several years and it felt great and I had the stamp of approval from the sober community and and I don't say I'm sober I just say I don't drink I'm very like those words are important to me because people feel so betrayed when they're like but you smoke weed I do it because it makes me happy and and it doesn't seem to I quit drinking because it was affecting my career my career is my most important thing in my life and my relationships and butwe does not negatively infected those to the point that I need to quit as soon as it does I'll be done and I'll read the easy way to stop smoking pot by a guy who's now dead so doesn't exist but well I think the pot is a different thing and for me I like it because it makes me more sensitive makes me nicer makes me more friendly me to have more of a sense of community like I want to hug people yeah I'm kind I'm very thoughtful when I'm hi I'm I'm like you know you can call it paranoia but I'm I'm thoughtful I'm thinking you know what people to be upset I want everybody to get along well I want to compliment people I want people to feel good I like it but for this whole month I'm not doing anything yeah this is sober October right so me and Ari and Bert and Tom we have this thing yeah in October so it's and you're reading a book it's on right now yeah we've read 500 pages that's good well you were eating Bert can't read like bird sitting down with a bud he's not breathing is so hilarious I don't believe it he's see it's on the honor system so I think he's probably gonna throw an audiobook on and just lie yeah you can't no I heard you guys talking about that no audio books cuz you can space out you know like listening to a podcast no no no yeah he's got a he's got a eyes to
page right and I want a book report I haven't even started I haven't started any book I'm listening to a bunch of books on tape which is most of the way I can tune books but um can I recommend a book to you please okay get ready I'm ready it's called Cupid's poisoned arrow and it's about how orgasms are ruining us and our relationships and our happiness and it talks about how I'm all for this right now and it's a wild concept and I've only read three pit three chapters of this book so just I don't have all the information but what I do know is that orgasms are this rush of like blood whatever your your limbic system is all fired up when you have an orgasm and everything we do in our lives to like have stability and you know kind of lower anxiety and and fight depression is about balancing that and not spiking it ever so orgasms are throwing us off constantly and we're not supposed to be having this many of them men men should here's the thing though about men and orgasms is that they they want to run right after they come it's in your DNA to get the [ __ ] out of there because as a caveman there wasn't you can't make something pregnant twice so once you came on to the next teepee – [ __ ] the girl's cousin that you just like it wasn't about you weren't gonna stay in cuddle [ __ ] run let me tell you something yeah that's not really true what it's only true if you don't actually like the person if you only attracted them in horny if you're only attracted to them and horny but you don't like them as a person yeah once you come you're like oh my god oh you're out of here but if you like them as a person once you can't me like that was great they just want to hang out I am actually a man I do trust you but I also think that there you would want to hang out even more if you didn't come that's not true really yes here's my thing though I've had a lot of instances this book spoke to me because I cannot trace what happens between a guy liking me and not in slow fading me then to an orgasm you're an intense person okay you're very smart you're also very ambitious and without any derogatory intent saying this at all you're a lot of work but doesn't mean you're bad just means you're you're a
powerful person you got a lot going on yeah they're intense yeah you're thinking all the time you know your question my things hmm you question yourself you question this and that and you're just you're a lot of work yeah some guys just can't [ __ ] deal and maybe the right guy can you got to find the right guy there's like everybody this is my theory on human beings like no one is for everybody there's not one person out there that's the perfect fit for everyone but if you find someone who has you're the right slots for your hands like it fits in like this then you're good but if it lands like this where they have to things like they have big tits and you know and they like to [ __ ] but yeah they're annoying and they talk too much [ __ ] you're gonna it's not gonna work yeah it's not gonna work but the problem is men like men are horny all the time they're attracted to women right and then sometimes that horniness and that attractiveness you get confused think you actually like the person and you write seems like you're a liar but you're not a liar at the time come before you come you're being earnest but then once his spooge you like I gotta get the [ __ ] out of here this is just yappy yappy yap yap-yap a nonsense talk I gotta get the [ __ ] away yeah and then some people I feel right but it's your meeting the wrong people some people would be perfect with fun and funny that's that's the thing I'm like what change between me us hanging out you liked me and then I sucked your dick and now you don't watch my Instagram stories anymore okay you can't ask someone to wash your instagrams no I'm not I'm not actually asking that but it's like that's an indication of someone likes you why because I mean it's just it's just mean watch any of my friends because I love dearly I don't watch any of their [ __ ] because you're not you're not dating in on instagrams no like I was you what I thought I wouldn't Joe trust me okay I won't maybe you're too busy but here's here's my but if you like that's how you show you like someone now and install them up okay I we've got all people yeah hang out with them you're nice to them when you see them I don't
want to watch you [ __ ] eat cake on Instagram watch your [ __ ] boomerangs with a fork full of cake yeah you're right so not interested in that I'm busy yeah [ __ ] to do and time is super valuable for me I'm not watching anybody's [ __ ] instagrams no one I'll watch them watch it's an action that's how I know when someone likes me if a guy's face keeps popping up underneath my story and I'm like oh my god he's watching my stuff constantly works I didn't even know that's him a lot I know that someone's watched your Instagram story yes so you can flip up on them and see who's watching and I'll speak to you watching a lot of to watch them have watched them and now if a lot of times a guy will be too busy or I'll be too busy but I need I need to let this guy know that I like him so I'll just flip through him very quick I won't even watch him but I want my face to pop up he knows I'm interested it's just a way to be like hey I'm into you and it's just a way to indicate now it happened it's happened to me with a couple guys that I've really liked that they're in they're interested and then after we hook up no more and and it's not because I wasn't good at what I was doing I really don't think it's that or like why do you have an idea of what it was without asking um well I have asked and a lot of times or one time they've said and then I think it's actually tells me no a couple times actually I I get there too vulnerable with me and then I've seen too much in terms of like they've let me in in a way emotionally that they've never let a woman in before and then they're like they're I remind them of the fact that they might have cried with me or something and then they don't want to be around it anymore that sounds like what I would say if I'm trying to get rid of somebody really yeah I don't think that's true oh yeah I mean if you really love someone and you really love being around them what do you care if you're vulnerable exactly if you do care about that you're some kind of a [ __ ] that deserve to be in a relationship anyway okay that could be it and they couldn't why's [ __ ] a bad word let's let's talk about that I see yeah someone saying you're a [ __ ] like that's ridiculous
everybody that's straight males love love [ __ ] right a lot of girls love [ __ ] what a [ __ ] I'm not thinking about it Aegina though that's why it's so screwy it's a screwy word yeah it's like we were talking about earlier like the with the use of words some [ __ ] yeah yeah it's sister but pussy's a weird one it's like it doesn't make any sense like like the pussy's aren't scared of you like it doesn't make any sense yeah I guess I do I think cat I think pussycat it's front Cameron [ __ ] cat yeah but cats are just smart they look at the [ __ ] away from me yeah there's sense yeah they're not scared as much as they're wise if they were your size you would be [ __ ] [ __ ] freaked out like I'm scared cats are scared is cuz they're little in your big yeah Sam scaredy cat check a cat out with a squirrel watch what the [ __ ] huh yes cats are stairs do you know how many [ __ ] animals domestic cats Hill in this country oh my god billions birds billions billions really billions yeah it's [ __ ] it's a crazy number they're they're ruthless little animals yeah I love him I love cat yeah I do too I mean I've never had them but I got a sweet little buddy named Prince Oliver he's the best he's a ragdoll cat just pick him up and just goes limp starts ah he's the best and does uh Marshall get get along yeah he's fine yeah everybody ain't no her backup squirrels squirrels this girl's resent him class yeah and my daughter has a rabbit that he tried to kill once oh yeah not good Robert got away though luckily good but now that rabbits well he had to be taught like hey [ __ ] you can't kill her out okay I was just a rabbit I didn't know was a friendly rabbit I'm going to see some birds after this where you going I'm a bird shop I'm just a parrot shot my friend knows about I was like I need some that's what's so glad Marshall came in today I was like I needed some animal of animal love it's so therapeutic you forget it's so good I just want to snuggle with him he's great do you have any dog sir I had two dogs that I gave to my parents because I moved to New York City and moved to like a tiny apartment four floor walk-up and I just started like wishing that they weren't alive which is like crazy yeah I was just resenting them and like finding
myself being a little less kind to them not abusive ever but just not as like I love you it's just like every time I've seen them be like Oh hockey I'm here to walk you like I was just a [ __ ] around them and I and my life was unmanageable and so with them and I was paying so much money for dog walkers I wasn't even seeing them people coming in and out of my house and then they were barking when I was gone they were just mad didn't have good lives so I gave them to my parents and my sister I'm going to see them this weekend but I I loved them so much and I wish my I wish I had a job that could have dogs in it I can't wait to like not be on the road so much or have a family like working in New York you like living and working I do yeah like doing those sets running around doing the short sets all over the place yeah I like boom-boom-boom but I do that here too when I'm here laughs factory improv commie store so I could I want to be here and there I haven't decided yet but I'm back and forth I know that's when I had dogs and I was happy talking to Whitney she's got a gang of dogs you know she's got like a giraffe so many animals yeah I want a wouldn't use life that Whitney was the one that told me about that [ __ ] no orgasm book Whitney saved my life with a not save my life but like is changing my life with a book cuz I ran into her one time backstage and I was like [ __ ] how did you get engaged why are you so happy I've known you forever I've watched you from afar and even though you Vic quit like you were always just you know Whitney and I met I moved to town in 2006 and I found her on MySpace just she had some clip up and I watched her I was like she's funny as hell and I reached out and was like let's be friends we sue the open mic circuit together and then we kind of went our separate ways and I watched her from afar and she was always like kind of struggling with men in the same way I was then all of a sudden she's engaged and happy and saving horses and I asked her one night recently I was like what did you do and she was like I read a book and it wasn't that book it was this other book called getting to I do it's such a humiliating title but it just teaches you as a woman to like stop trying to run [ __ ] because we're so empowered as women now to be
like I can have anything I want I want that I'm gonna get it and it relationships don't work that way they sometimes do if you're a more masculine kind of woman which doesn't mean that you're going for a feminine guy things well I mean I mean it means you're going for a guy who is comfortable in the receiving role but most women want to have a guy chase them but us empowered women are running around like hey asked me out let's go out and it's like men don't [ __ ] want that wailing to choose yes that's I'm saying those are the feminine men but not even feminine men men like strong women yes that's what I'm looking for I realized that I definitely I can't put anyway this book just talks about how pick Elaine feminine masculine figure out what you are and stick with it and don't try to be both in a relationship and it's it's changed a lot of my friends lives and mine really yeah just by being like okay I'm not gonna chase these guys anymore if a guy's not reaching out to me he doesn't like me wait for him to reach out to me it's pretty much the whole concept of like he's just not that into you kind of stuff but it's just reminding women that men need to chase us in order to feel like they've feel like men really don't take the power away from them they're turned on by that they want to earn our love and our bodies they want to earn it don't just give it to such a generalization it is but it's based in a lot of science the book getting to I do I really yeah this this doctor wrote this book and the title is [ __ ] terrible how could you have science in regards to emotional connections in relationship where's their science um I forget but I'm just gonna be honest with you I don't know evolutionary biology establishes certain roles and there's a reason for certain roles and why people pursue certain things and there's studies that have done that but the problem is these generalizations and they apply to one like if a girl is really hot she's chasing a guy guys are into it like we don't it's not maybe at first but then they end up resenting it oh I don't believe that I do yeah but I'm a man but I'm gonna trust what I've what I've I'm a hot lady that's gone after some guys that don't deserve me I don't I don't
know if that's what it is I don't know if that's what it is I think you're intense and I think that's what scares guys I think that's what it is okay but it's not that you would scare every guy off ya scare these guys that can't handle intensity yes some people can't take spicy food yeah that's what it is okay that makes me feel better it's it's all about compatible personalities it's all about it I'm also deeply afraid of any kind of intimacy because I have I mean if you're really breaking it down I have low self-esteem which I'm working on and ever you know a you sound like you have low self-esteem you call yourself empowered and hot and you say all these good things about yourself you're out there killing it I'm not as hot as I want to be or could would kill to be literally kill I would murder someone to be honorable hmm a couple if I could get away with okay if you could look like Beyonce how many people would you murder do I have to do that by hand and do I get away with a knife if you do with a knife um if it's like Bill Cosby yeah easy I could murder him yeah oh yeah but I would if I could like the boxer you press a button and five people die if this would be like an episode of Black Mirror it was just a room you go into a room and Bill Cosby sitting there that's [ __ ] cataracts yes and I give you this this knife okay and I say listen we can make this happen but I need you to do something for me I need you to go in there and take care of this monster yes you think you'd stab Bill Cosby yes and he literally is probably the only person that I could do that too what about Harvey Weinstein mmm I don't I mean yeah he's disgusting and yeah probably yeah if I could give me the Vanity Fair about him but like let me refresh Lee read all the accusations like I need to have it with Bill Cosby I just feel like there's been so many stories and I've really sunk my teeth into all of it different but if you if you let me talk to a couple victims and hear what he did I mean I could do it to so many people I'm feeling good but I don't like violence and that does freak me I'd rather just strangle him have his eyes pop out violent than stabbing him I just don't like blood and like like peer like even it's like stepping on a cockroach you're
like have to hear lunch yeah what if you kill him with like a sledgehammer whoo that's blood – and that's like blunt-force eye yeah I could probably do it could you oh yeah okay good I just want I don't know okay good Bill Cosby well if you rape on my daughters oh my god easy to kill him easy easy I'd probably yeah I want to say what I do really come on I'd do it slow and then I throw him off a roof yeah I would act I would actually like go in and act like I was like a fan and be like can I run some jokes by you and have him like lecture me whoa and like just earn a little bit of his trust and then jump on his chest like I try them yeah [ __ ] shank him just [ __ ] go to town yeah and feel good isn't it crazy that five years ago no one would ever think that oh I did I was kidding this is all pre rape no you're right I mean that would be the what an insane conversation right to a fat like to have this conversation in 2009 no I want to kill bill cuts up [ __ ] is wrong with you he's America's dad there's someone right now that we could be having this conversation about that we we don't know that we don't know don't think anybody is like that not like that cuz I heard about that guy in 1994 when I was on news radio when I was on a sitcom they were talking about Bill Cosby drugged young people I forget who was having the conversation but they were like Bill Cosby drugs people and I was like what like yeah like it was like inside Hollywood talk like on the set they were saying that someone knew someone who Bill Cosby drugged he drugs women had sex with him or he would he wrote jokes about it yes he talked about late night TV flipping a Spanish Fly into someone's drink yes he wrote an episode of his show where he was like at a barbecue and like there's something in the barbecue sauce and the girls are kind of like yes yes isn't that crazy dude you know what's been happening to me is that so I like I have been like you know talking with guys texting with guys facetiming like all these long-distance stuff because I'm scared of intimacy whatever and um I've been having these like really intimate moments with men where it's like our relationship reaches that like oh this
might be something let's maybe meet up and we make plans and I find out the next day they were and I think they're like maybe on my way to be my boyfriend and they were on ambien and they don't remember any of it I've been ambient a couple times and I don't think and by guys that I'm like they are the drinking problem I'm finally engaging in like a sober relationship or sober ish and then they they and they don't remember anything and I'm like we made plans to go to Mexico together like you like Priceline I can't get a [ __ ] refined made dinner when he was on ambien do and thought someone broke into his house like he went to the store and got like a turkey and cooked it made mashed potatoes stuffing graving they did the whole thing cooked yeah and then woke up at the morning and they were like what did you do last night you coach like what I didn't [ __ ] cook like I really thought someone broke into his house and cooked dinner that stuff's horrible yeah it's so bad guys waking up in relationships with me and they're like they didn't know it they're ready to go to Mexico like what what's my passport doing out they'd in I don't like you like that and then I'm like pull wheat and I go to sleep with like butterflies in my stomach like God we finally connected tonight something happened he finally saw what I saw the whole time and the next day I'll make like I'll kind of like be like so last night like one day one guy we had phone sex for the first time we were like and it felt like real sex you know sometimes it can feel very connected phone sex or FaceTime Skype sex whatever it is this guy live mid middle of the country okay yeah and I was in New York gonna say Midtown Midtown I was like why just get in the mood this is crazy yeah and we we finally like got naked together on the and I was like oh my god like this is and it was never really sexual before that like there was a little flirty things I was like when is this guy gonna make a [ __ ] move and like and he did but he was on ambien and blacked out see it didn't remember any of it I was skipping around I was like dude I telling all my girlfriend's like I've met a guy like this guy is like the guy that I've been
talking to them about I have a radio show so every morning I go in and like debrief my producers I'm like it last night we like hooked up and it's happening and and then I talk to him later on and he was just like wait what are you talking about I was like and he goes I don't really even know we talked last night and it just sucked and then it happened to me recently again there's a lot of people on that chest a lot I did it recently my friend gave it to me because I I guess I shouldn't say that but my I took some and you shouldn't say that you just don't say the friend's name yeah okay you're all right okay [ __ ] [ __ ] I was working with Bill Cosby I didn't even mean to he was my friend and because I was just having a really rough time I did the roast of Alec Baldwin and I was not getting enough sleep which I know you guys were talking about the other night sleep is [ __ ] everything and I had a meltdown and I had a Netflix taping to do the next night my friend was like take this ambien you're not gonna sleep otherwise and I took it and it and I took Instagram off my phone if hook took Twitter off my phone I cleared my room of food because you know what's gonna happen got the best night's sleep of my life though oh yeah I was like I don't know if I'm gonna get racist when I do ambien what if that is what it causes him you planned that far ahead Instagram on phone so my ambien state would have had to go into the App Store redownload it type in my you know like a lot of things yeah very clever thing that's very smart of you I don't want to get cancelled yet I mean someday I will want to get cancelled that surprised again yeah a Knicks no not even to rise again to be like good I'm out I'm gonna go start my bird rescue or whatever the hell you know yeah it'll be I'll be okay it's very difficult to get comics cancelled unless they're doing something I know you gotta get mean even Aziz which I think he got a [ __ ] terrible deal like what happened with him was terrible it sounded like a bad date it sounds like one person's account of it and he didn't give his account of it and you know he just tried to stay supportive of me too and all that jazz
but I got devastated I was wrecked by that yeah really wrecked and his special is a great indication of it you see his recent special took a giant apology I haven't seen it yet but I mean he's a funny guy and he didn't get canceled he's still doing shows and everything but this is Louie CK he's still doing shows but those guys are an example Louie more so right he's an example because people are protesting no one's protesting Aziz you know he had a bad date yeah but no one but Louie to this day still getting protested like he's like people show up at his shows they print every time he does a show somewhere they print all who care he's fine I don't care you don't care about him you don't just like he's fine he'll be fine yeah I mean like but emotionally sure hmm you don't care I took like emotionally I think he's gonna be fun I think it's all like you're gonna upset some people they're gonna protest but it's not gonna affect your ticket sales or how much people love you and he knows that and he's gonna be quite all right it's not the people that do love it it's the people that hate him it's like there's always gonna be a certain amount of people that do love you even if you're a terrible person yeah if you're like look Donald Trump is one of the things that's fascinating about him to me is that he's the king of the [ __ ] like he's an self-avowed [ __ ] it's very obvious that he's an [ __ ] and then other [ __ ] like fine they've got an [ __ ] I'm speaking for us and they want to wear sunglasses inside [ __ ] I mean this is what he attracts all right so even if you're an [ __ ] you're going to get a bunch of people who love you that's just if you're in a public eye people choose cult leaders right they don't choose them for their positive qualities they get sucked into this idea of this person liking them and being on a team with this person and if that person is a strong person it's even more intoxicating Donald Trump's a strong person celebrities are strong people celebrities are famous like I you know everybody hates you Louie but I support you there's you're going to have those what you've done there's people out there that still that show up at our Kelley's trial and they they have signs
and say we support you those [ __ ] knew what they were in for but really this is yeah this is something that's going on right now to this day it's because people get incredibly drawn to someone who's in a position of fame and power like like a Donald Trump or or anybody Louise one of those two so it's it's not that the people who love him don't always love him and people love Lois before and they forgive him for what he's done but it's gonna be people that don't and those people that don't they write articles and it's just like if he reads them it's just like burns on you it hurts you it's like and he's a super sensitive guy you know all this stuff like it's like he's gonna be fine yes but it's still it's not devastating yeah but didn't he cause a little bit of devastation in some people's lives perhaps for sure so for sure I for an eye and and I really think like the the women the angry people who don't like him and earn are going to shows wouldn't have gone to them anyway and yet it's going to get that Google Alert for your name when when you know one out of ten articles is maybe negative about you but he's doing all right I mean like I talked to him after it one night at the Comedy Cellar I me told me some examples of things that have been said to him in public like cuz I just asked him I was like what has it been like for you this is right when he came out of hiding and he told me some stories of things that had happened in public where a woman once whispered in his ear you [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] like at a you know he's at a store or something and then another one where just a woman blatantly in the street was like [ __ ] you you know and it was like oh my [ __ ] god this is a nightmare for you walking outside your house but and I'm like just so this is easy though those only two times of the whole year and I was like okay well that seems manageable and he goes he says but ten times a day people are still asking for my picture in autographs oh very good so I don't think he's suffering that much and I don't think he deserves to suffer that much I'm just saying I think as many people hate him as maybe would have anyway because no one can be famous for too long without people hating them you know
he said a big one was the big one was that parkland thing that joke that he made it got released he said that that really really [ __ ] him up the response to that because it was after you know he had just starting to do stand-up again after ten months off and then he did that joke about the parkland survivors about like why are they interesting and because you pushed a fat kid in front because you survived like you're laughing see it's a fucked-up thing that someone would say at a candy Club when you take that out of context right now then people get angry at it but that is a classic louis c.k line I mean that sounds exactly like we would have for it before this whole thing 100% now he's walking a fine line he can't also the very beginnings the embryonic stages of a bit and that bit could monster bit totally yes you're so right that was the first incarnation of that but yeah no stand up at all for ten months and he's got this bit and he's working on it and he's got an angle the angle is why are we these survivors just because they survive doesn't mean they're interesting yeah that's that does true love it it is true great bet it could have been an amazing bit but some [ __ ] how to record it and then put it on YouTube and then you got guys like Judd Apatow yelling out about it like is as if this is like Louie's final statement on the subject and it's this especially by other comics like that I found that whole thing to be so [ __ ] up I was like you know what a bit is yeah and you know when someone's trying look don't you ever try man I've said some stuff on stage right I even say to the crowd listen that didn't come out right first don't please don't tell anyone that I just said that well you all be just cool of course so I definitely understand that and I understand saying things that make people feel really sad and angry and they feel hurt by it and they write mean things to me saying that I've hurt their feelings and it feels shitty and when people hate you I feel so I do feel for him that way I do and that's why I asked him like what is it like you're the most beloved and then you were hate I mean that's gotta [ __ ] suck let's go and he said he would have gone ton that he would have gone to Africa to disappear wherever you
know somewhere to disappear but in his kids he couldn't leave yeah and so he just had to sit around with it so I gotta be super hard I sympathize or I can empathize with that for sure and that would suck and I'm not immune to getting [ __ ] canceled and I'm sure I've said [ __ ] before that just waiting to research footage on that roast I'm scared to do the Rose I was like this stuff isn't gonna age well no it we're going you know yes it's scary you went hard in the paint oh dude I was but I was supposed to go so much harder it's a no yeah I had to cut a lot of jobs why did you have to cut a lot of jobs cuz Caitlyn Jenner didn't want us talking about her car crash so Jesus Christ that was like the bulk of my material don't be here I know she didn't even know that it was possible that we were gonna do that oh my god I was like that I know Comedy Central told me they're like listen we don't think Caitlyn knows that those jokes are coming and I was like will you tell her or will someone give her a heads up like and they're like we don't want to alert her cuz she might not want to do it now so who decided to not do the jokes I was doing the jokes around town to get ready for it like I was going like Caitlyn Jenner such a beautiful woman you killed with your car four years ago you know something like that um I loved you on Keeping Up with the Kardashians just like different things I love that you I love that you're a woman that can't mend straight yet you still managed to have blood on your hands like great jokes and yet men street you can't men straight menstruate menstruate yet you still managed to can't get your period but you still managed to have blood on your hands and um and I was too gonna and they were like my favorite jokes of my set they like did this like work the best I was working that set up for like a month before and who told you did not do him well Comedy Central's strongly advised me not to they never said you can't they've never said that to me which is decide not to because Caitlyn Jenner heard the morning of they had a call with her the morning of the roast that she had heard apparently someone's doing jokes about me and my car crash and if if they do if I hear the single that was
a very devastating thing that happened to that family and a woman lost her life and if there's a joke about it I will walk and and awesome that's what I told Tommy essential there was been awesome but I heard this I was like if she gets upset because they were like if she gets upset there might be a moment where you know she the cameras go too and the problem is I was going first and I was doing all the jokes about the car crash now if I would have upset her first off then the whole show is thrown off and it's weird in the room I said it would be great bad press is good press it's gonna get written up so much more you guys come on you should have said yeah yeah yeah whatever and just went up and did it I was going to just don't put the jokes in the prompter cuz then they haven't signed off on it I'm going rogue you know so go Rogen so I so I went up or so that morning I woke up and I was still kind of like maybe I'll do a softer version of those jokes I was gonna I was gonna mess tweak him a little bit I was gonna say Caitlyn Jenner what a beautiful woman you accidentally killed with your I was gonna add the word accidentally yeah just to like soften it and make it more factual yeah and then Comedy Central called and they said that she had said she'll walk and that's when I decided I'm not gonna do it I don't want to this woman to walk offstage I don't want it I don't want to really as I just think it's so strange that we're calling her a woman really I love it I love the chaos of it like I just love this woman like oh yeah it's not I'm so proud of myself when I don't even have to think about it anymore because for a while it was like make sure you say woman make sure you say she just example of it cuz she's such a dummy like when when she talks it's just like it's so it's like disappointing I wish you had more insight on it like there's there's women that transition brilliant the other day just like dumb men became transition to women and then they're suddenly like these amazing women he was a dumb guy he was he was a male Kardashian and then all of a sudden he's like celebrated Marnell grin – woman primer Wonder Woman of the air huh you know what but the best purpose that he serves she serves for those Kyle Dunnigan – Instagram feed
oh my god that's another thing that Comedy Central cut out Comedy Central was doing a Kyle Dunnigan show where was all like Face Swap [ __ ] yeah and he had a bit where where Caitlin was [ __ ] Donald and she was on top of Donald Trump it was goddamned hilarious he's showing it to me yeah I was in the greenroom at The Comedy Store crying I mean crying light and he's like coming central cut that I'm like no no they can't do it what what are you talking about you know you got a face [ __ ] show no one was naked he was she was just on top of Donald Rogers our show would have been so good he's genius he's genius genius the funniest part one of the things people will ever know for sure the funniest ever Instagram yes sure yes his Instagram Street feeder yep I go to it every couple of days because it takes a while for him to create yeah I know I get so excited when he was a new one huh he's him and Tim Dylan on there make me laugh a lot yes yes Megan McCain so [ __ ] funny because Tim is gay because he's like this he's like he looks like you'd be a frat boy but then you find out of these gays like whoa we can get away with a lot more yeah he really can he is great and he's sober which is crazy yeah like this guy's got to be on hard drugs when he's doing that Megan McCain yes like what kind of drugs this guy on yeah you're so right she's on air breathing air drinking water oh my god guys well he got freaked out by a couple of people's health issues well he's got a new one what is he doing oh my god this was want to thank Beachbody for making me their spokesperson I've used a product since the beginning I'm a triathlete yeah good good I'm Kido so he got scared you said well yeah I mean you know he's he's very heavy and you know he just was realized he threw [ __ ] Megan we can't give me a market this week I'm gonna talk a little bit about guns okay a lot of people in the media I've never shot a gun and they've certainly never masturbated with one they have no idea what the [ __ ] they're talking my guns not for sale but my [ __ ] is and the price is PF Changs my father and his friends used to hunt me in the backyard I would run around and they'd shoot at me and my father said if we hit her the only thing that's
gonna come out is whipped cream he was hilarious the ar-15 is the most popular gun in America and it's the only thing that's ever made me calm don't tell me what guns I can own or what people he's [ __ ] nuts and I've seen that oh yeah you know it no she said poor Megan to have seen that yeah yeah my god he yeah he's oh we were talking about the so anyway I just decided not to do the jokes because I didn't want to upset her and it was it sucked because it would have been nice to know leading up to that right because I was preparing but yeah who cares I just didn't want to I don't want to make people feel come on what do you expect I mean you had Alec Baldwin's [ __ ] daughter come up and tell the jokes about what a horrible daddy I know and you can't you can't own up to the fact that you crashed into someone yeah so what did you make any jokes about her oh yeah I um I said I just made fun of the fact that she was a terrible father at one point in like abandon one of our families to go do a reality show so I really leaned into that oh yeah she had Brody Jenner and a couple others the [ __ ] is Brody yeah he's the most famous of her sons but she had a whole family before the Kardashian's that like she didn't watch grow up even though they were just like down the road down the PCH yeah do you know that for a fact yes yeah it was like an episode of the Kardashians versus like I wasn't around for your lives and uh yeah and but she was like so nice during the when I was doing the jokes she was like so happy about all the jokes about her abandoning her family she was like I love him oh it's the death one that she has a problem yeah yes that was it was weird because it happened during the celebration of her becoming a woman yeah she was right in the girl thick of the transition and they had a settlement she settled I think there was some kind of fault who knows accidental but whoops she did not want to relive it who would write but listen I had a guy with my car once did you yeah I almost killed him it was terrible was your walking um no he did not walk right after I mean on the street when you hit him garbage man picking up collecting across the street jumped out from the car
didn't see him I was 16 just had got my license and he flew up on the hood and flew into the grass I thought I killed him and it was terrifying and he sued me four years later right under the statute of limitations and I had to go to court and it came out on the stand that he was a child molester and so I won whoa it was kind of [ __ ] Karma yeah yeah you're a great person you picked the right [ __ ] person I hit your car holy [ __ ] he's a child molester have you ever almost killed someone no no luckily yeah [ __ ] that's crazy yeah it's made me a better driver at one time you know in a fight in a martial arts fight I knocked this guy out he never got up and I I started thinking then that could be me they took him away to the hospital and I went back to talk to my instructor and he wasn't there it was in Anaheim California and I was living in Boston we flew back to Boston after the tournament and he said to me I heard you had a really good knockout you know this thick Korean accent and I said yeah I go it was um it was really scary because he never got up yeah I thought he was dead and he goes sometimes they die chief they just walked away like he used to train troops in Vietnam like he was like an intense guy and I was like sometimes they die holy [ __ ] I'm them them is me wow I could die I was 19 and I remember I never thought about the same way again I never thought about hitting someone the same way again because it was one of those but like sometimes you hit someone and it's like a perfect shot like the hit him they were running it he was running toward he was coming at me and I kicked him with something called a wheel kick we it has a crazy amount of power you spin around and you hit someone with the heel of your foot it's a heart my heel hurt for days I was limping walking from hitting his head yeah it was rough have you ever been hitting away that you're like that could be I've been dropped and I've been rocked and have definitely been hit but I've never been knocked unconscious and not like that that was a bad one he was like face a faceplant that he was snoring I've seen a lot of people get knocked out did you have you checked on him recently I have no idea who he is
Wow I've known have no idea what happened to him you get one CTE probably murdered his whole family no a hundred percent he got brain damage what 100% what 100% whoa Jose no way he didn't oh my god no way didn't but could that happen to you of course it could have happened absolutely could it happen to you now in the way that you're fighting I don't do it anymore I do Jiu Jitsu right but if sister's not striking see this is not it's not like kick and this was not like sparring this was a fight this was in the US Nationals Wow was the Massachusetts state champion and he was a champion I think he was from Illinois hmm and so he was the Illinois state champion did you get like so much [ __ ] back then from being like winning fights were there like groupies no there's no group no no I got the opposite of [ __ ] I was always training I was now yeah yeah I wouldn't even have sex with my girlfriend in the the dojo I wouldn't like she I was teaching there so I what she was horny and she was trying to hook up with me like I was I had to go up there to do something and clean or something I forgot what I had to do but she was trying to I'm like I can't like don't but this is not we can't do this here like this is not this is never gonna happen here which is like I would [ __ ] her in an alleyway [ __ ] around a bus if no one was looking but knotted the dough she's not there no it's actually in Korean it's called dojang they would go dojang but um no I didn't get any [ __ ] I mean other than my girlfriend and then when you start comedy like so much yeah dude it was crazy I was the crazy thing that's like like all sudden girls actually like me like instead of me liking them and then rejecting me because I was basically a loser you know even though I was like a successful martial artist I had no money and no future prospects and there was no promise to me you know it's like where's this guy going did you see this for yourself eventually like not exactly this obviously but like no just being happy successful did you you really felt like a loser like what am I gonna do yeah Wow I just have extreme social anxiety believe it or not how did that manifest itself I was telling people about like um the bank
teller thing was a weird one for me I always got super nervous talking to Bank Towers I got to be in line there's like three people in front of me of like three more people and I don't talk to the lady Wow more people I got to talk to the lady you know I get weirded out I'd get I didn't had pretty extreme social anxiety I think I just didn't have good self-esteem I just thought it was a loser and then what made you do stand-up um well I had friends from my martial arts days that talked me into it and said you were funny and I would make them laugh when we were on our way to like tomp competitions everybody was so nervous you know because these are full contact tournaments and people got knocked unconscious all the time like my friends got knocked unconscious all that I mean I've seen so many people get [ __ ] up and everybody would be tense so I would be the guy who broke the ice I would be and everybody was like gallows humor I would make everybody laugh yes and then my friend Steve who I'm still dear friends with this day he Steve Graham he said you should be a comedian and I was like there's no way man you think I'm funny because you're my friend I go the things that I think are funny everybody else is gonna think I'm an [ __ ] like it's just [ __ ] my sense of humor it's [ __ ] up but he talked me into it and then I went to an open mic night and then I realized that Oh open mic night everyone sucks like you're just trying to start out like it there we're all amateurs so my thought was like well at least I won't be as bad as the worst guy you know I'll probably be better than the worst guy so maybe I could try this and then I went out but I did it and then once I did it once I knew I was gonna do it when did you stop feeling like a loser couple weeks ago yeah I'm not convinced do you secretly feel like do you do you are you insecure still or you struggle with self-esteem and all not really not really not yeah but I used to definitely have impostor syndrome you know like even when things are really good like I go to a sold-out theater and like they introduce my name and like as I was walking out and people cheering I'd be like this is not yeah this is not seen real I'm tricking these [ __ ] people once again yeah you know and even when
it was over I really cool trick them again you know yep it's weird it's I think that's healthy though because the idea of being a famous person or being a celebrity it's it's a crazy state that doesn't it's not supposed to exist you're not supposed to be able to go to a place where ten thousand people have paid money to hear you talk for an hour I mean that is [ __ ] bananas so it doesn't exist in nature it's not a normal state for a human being to be able to manage so if you thought like that's normal and you deserve it and it's not special and strange then I think that that would be weird right to think it's special and strange always but appreciate it I think that's the way to do yes appreciate so I know I can do it but the reason why I know I can do is because I do it all the time and it work really hard at it yeah so I know I show up and I know I have my act ready I know I prepared I don't take it lightly yes it means a lot to me if you feel the same way if I've worked hard enough I feel like I deserve it but if I'm if I don't if I've had a lazy week and I'm performing and I'm making big bucks for a big deal and I haven't even looking up looked at my set list or just mmm I feel guilty and I feel imposter II this way that I combat impostor syndrome is like I had a therapist one time say who do you think that you are that you can fool all these people you think these people are that stupid and you're so smart and you're tricking all of them so I try to remind myself of that like when I think these audio this audience doesn't [ __ ] know how untalented I am they're just here because they think I'm something I go who do you think you think you're smarter than these people these are smart people they know what they like well your audience of smart people but let's be honest there's a lot of dummies out there yeah that's that's real – yeah the idea that just because you have a lot of people come to see you that you're really good that's nonsense no you have to be good people always are like other comedians are so mad at comedians who are hacks that have huge followings and I'm like dumb people need to laugh too it's like don't Lewis yeah sure dumb movies everyone needs entertainment how many my
ADA movies are there though oh yeah look [ __ ] 80 of them yeah you ever try to watch one of those things now give you brain damage yeah yeah change your life have you ever you actually tried us yeah we should watch some clips yeah I mean well this movies that are like look I don't mean to pick on that guy I mean he's doing great used to be a homeless person I just got a star on the Walk of Fame to him it's not my kind of movie but obviously a lot of people love it there's a lot of movies that are for little kids that if you watch them they're terrible like I watch kids I watch movies with my kids and I was like Jesus crisis movie is awful and they're like yeah it's not for you it's for 9 year olds yeah I think it's hilarious yes not everything's gonna be for you in anything though yeah I just have to instead of getting mad like why is that person so successful I'll just go well their audience needs that and they're not gonna enjoy you they can't and not because they're not smart enough it's just like I don't know don't speak to them and I can't speak to everyone and that's frustrating wondering why other people's success or wondering why other people are successful is their refuge of losers yes it's a loser mentality it's a loser occupation it's a it's a it's a loser practice because you're wondering why other people are successful like who gives a [ __ ] you can say you think it sucks but to spend time wondering why someone is successful and hating on something successful it doesn't do any good it's like what is that old expression that jealousy is it's a poison that does the opposite of its intended it doesn't affect the other person at all but it poisons yourself yeah it wastes your your energy and time it just is so it's so indicative that you are insecure yes it's like people don't realize how what a giveaway that is when they are talking [ __ ] you're just like oh this is just showing me that you [ __ ] don't like yourself well I figured out there's something that I figured out personally and that I try to relay this and I try to be more clear and more concise the way I relate the way I look at that is that your mind you have a certain amount of bandwidth is why I don't read Instagram comments or Twitter comments or YouTube comments
like I don't mean time if I read them it's an accident but to seek yeah like you have bandwidth I don't spend time wondering why I hate things or hating things or hating on someone or being jealous you have let's say let's call it units you have a hundred units of bandwidth in your mind so it means there's a hundred units so you can spend on things you care about or you could let your mind be occupied why some stupid [ __ ] Twitter feud that you're in with some idiot you don't even know and you could spend thirty percent of your Twitter ban well your your your mind bandwidth on this and then you only have seventy percent for the things you love and then maybe you're involved in some [ __ ] relationship but someone who's an idiot and you're arguing back and forth with them well there's another thirty percent that's gone now you got you have forty percent left you have forty percent for the things you love instead of a hundred percent but if you only concentrate on the things you care about that means something to you and learn how to do that like you were talking about meditation yeah it's a form of meditation yep because you're learning how to avoid the little road bumps and the ditches on the side of the road that could suck your baby give them just a little bit and go okay no no no but where you could lean in like how you're saying when you stop drinking all the sudden your career took off you started doing well because unless you had more bandwidth and you know less problems that problem that you had that was rotting you away no longer existed so now sudden it frees up your time and you realize oh my god there's so many funny things that I could talk about and I have so much energy and I'm so healthy I could just go onstage and have fun and then you're killing it when was the last thing that you gonna know got it like you maybe gave it a little too much bandwidth do you still struggle with those things no I don't and not really anymore but it's been a gradual process like a member of the first I do have been a jealous dude in stand-up like when you first started out you had to have hated the guy that was getting ahead like right I don't know any male comic I was the beginning yeah what happened to that you get successful in a
development before I was successful before I was successful I realized it was stupid long before because when I was like an amateur I would see guys that were killing and and I'd be like [ __ ] him like why is he doing good like that guy sucks and this guy sucks and you know come he got this and he got that and then I remember thinking like this is a gigantic waste of time I got into comedy because I'm a fan of comedy and my concentrating on people that suck or being jealous about people that are doing well does me is zero good but instead if someone does well I can be inspired and I can get fired up by it I mean I figure this out my early 20s I was like okay yeah I have a poor way of looking at it because it's a martial arts thing because in martial arts like you can't be jealous of someone else's ability you have to realize you might have to fight them someday so by realizing that they're really good you you were forced to be objective about it and you have to go to work like you have to go [ __ ] that guy's better than me I got to get better and you have to go to work right there's no there's no positive benefit in under estimating someone under estimating someone will get you [ __ ] killed like literally yeah a shin smashed in your face like you don't want it convincing yourself that the things that you're jealous of them for aren't really good get your that will get you killed so that's that's it dude that's totally it because the things that I get jealous of or have and I'm better about it now than I've ever been but you know you see other women I mean my jealousies are always with other women you know it's just the way it is and I have to fight it and I'm really good about it now to be like actually inspired by women who are funnier than me but that's awesome but and to use it to be like okay then I need to be better I need to get up to that level that is I need to go home and write it like fires me up as opposed to like why and it's powerful for everybody it's powerful for them it's powerful for you yes it's like there's no negative aspect to it it's like you should be thankful that there's women out there that make you feel uncomfortable yet like when I see someone just murder on stage [ __ ] I want to go to work yeah
right I want to get home and right yeah I want to I want to go perform I'm like [ __ ] that guy just killed her holy [ __ ] she just crushed she's out there killing it he's doing so good it makes me want to work harder and in that sense find someone's not doing anything bad as long as someone's not victimizing someone what they're doing is they're there they're there showing you that possible to do better than you're doing yeah that's good you need to see you need to know that the second you get comfortable and you think you're the best and there's nothing to well you I'm sure you've gone into a town and like there's local comedians and there's like a guy who's like a funny local guy and he's terrible because the community sucks yeah because there's no one there there's no one pushing them [ __ ] meet each other well work has so many killer that's what has so many killers cuz there's so many of us whenever I go back and forth to different coasts it's like you just the styles are so different but like when I moved to New York you you had to follow Dave Attell you're gonna rise yeah you have to you have to or you're gonna drown yes so it's I'm always encouraged by being around better people I always want to follow when people are like I don't want to follow a tell I don't want to follow Chappelle or whatever it's like no I do have to because it's it's a challenge and yeah it's inspiring I wanted to get back to the fact that I wanted to think of what's the last thing that derailed you in terms of been with you were about to answer like what's something that you had to kind of get out of your life it's not a one instance but it's a slow progression and also my career like I became successful during the time that the internet came to be yeah so it was all happening like people being able to comment on you and say things that was all a completely new thing and everyone had to learn how to navigate those waters because at first I would treat people that were saying something online like a heckler like if someone would heckle you and say something and then you'd be like what [ __ ] you and then you would own them right like you just think I and PTIN like in the early internet days that's what people did like they would have these flame wars they would call it with
people just like go back and forth with each other and you would like it was just a lot more of that yeah there is no it's a waste of time not only is it a waste of time you then you realize like no this isn't a heckler this is a like you're getting a message the world can't hear it like so you have to decide if you're going to concentrate and put all your energy and broadcast to the world that you're involved in this this altercation with this other person it's [ __ ] pointless yeah we see it all the time with people people get sucked into these traps I see with fighters like UFC fighters all the time they're getting these fights with fans like someone will say something to them and now they'll reply and them to reply to me and it's waste of time and it just took a while to realize for me what's positive what's negative it doesn't mean I'm immune to criticism or that I don't deserve criticism like everybody does and there's times where you're going to misstep or you're going to say something that's not correct or foolish or not as funny as you thought it was when you were thinking you're gonna say it that's just part of being a person but to engage constantly in swimming into the deep waters of other people's criticism and opinions random internet people it's like god damn it that's so much bandwidth it's so much so much you could use a hundred percent of your bandwidth on that and some people do some people go goddamn crazy I met people that are just like googling themselves and reading their own internet comments all day long and just going crazy and fighting with people all day long and going crazy you know it gets in no matter how much you're like [ __ ] this guy it it gets I was doing like a live Instagram yesterday on the way to the airport talking to some fans and one guy was like wow you look a lot better with makeup because I was like no makeup on looked like you know [ __ ] and I'm and I go [ __ ] you you're black I got him out of there and I go I'm on I'm gonna be honest with you guys it's gonna bother me the rest of the goddamn day because this guy just said what I actually think about myself that no one actually is saying to me and that's when it hurts is like when someone nails something about you that you're like I secretly think
but it's probably just me no one else sees it and I had to admit like I'm I was gonna think about that later and it might make me not do one of these again because I don't want someone to say something like that and bring it attend to it everyone's attention it's so much I've since the last time I was here and we talked a lot about my obsession with looks and being pretty or hot or whatever it is I've let a lot of that go but it's still it's still there it's really hard to overcome and your dude I mean how do you let go of that as you age I mean like you're like you know like you you definitely have some value wrapped up in your looks as someone who's attractive and fit mmm I think it's different for a man than it is for a woman because there's a lot of ugly dudes with hot wives because they're ugly dudes are successful yeah there's very few the guys are gay yeah yeah because why wouldn't man ever be with a woman less attractive than him well this men that are with women that are less attracted with them because they're interested in their personality or their sense of humor that's real yeah but the the disproportionate love that some disgusting older men have and with hot women like Lil Duval okay you know they'll do well I [ __ ] love that dude he's got something on his Instagram pull this up it's this guy in a tub and he's like this older dude and he's got this young lady that's sitting on his lap in front of him and he she's asking him what she likes in him I just play this out we'll play this cuz it's [ __ ] hilarious look play this watches let's just listen to your personality your attitude you're physically attractive [Music] [Music] [Music] he's like insider almost 70 it looks to me yes and not really a handsome robber trip now doing everything to not look at it and she looks like she's about thirty and lean and her tits are floating above the water yeah holla yeah see I'm talking about possible that's real that's real lip that flip that know what doesn't exist doesn't mean your old lady with a hot lean young man Joe I've been having a lot of young dudes coming after me like well you're young still I know I'm
35 but I've been having young guys like a mature woman who's still hot who's like physically fit yeah and smart and and interesting like it's feel weird about it though like a dirty lady I know I feel fetishized new right like I'm an old lady I don't want anyone to be like kogure 35 35 and I've got like 22 year olds 20 year old it's getting pretty low awesome really yeah get on top choke them make sure you I don't know whatever you into no I don't have sighs but it's not weird I just don't want to be an old I don't want to them to only like me because I know what way too much [ __ ] yeah you think way too much how do we stop I don't know about that kind of [ __ ] like just enjoy it who gives a [ __ ] that's also one really positive aspect of drinking that I mean I'm telling you dude if I still drink 19 can we mama's [ __ ] I really miss drinking for you're so right I think so much because man that was the only way it used to have sex was to drink and now it's just so difficult for me you have to find something you actually like and then that's scary because that was that could be intimacy so I am stuck between intimacy and bangin and I I haven't had sex since May oh and before that even longer I only slept with one person six years over it's October October June July August September five months five months of my literal like best looking year of my life wasted understand that are you meeting guys it's not that I can't have sex it's that I won't let myself because I get too attached to people and I feel like it's it so you worry that if you do have sex with them that it's going to be too much they'll bill not they'll stop watching my Instagram story the next day and I will be so sad I'll feel that way you won't have that problem well they'll stop texting me they'll stop something will stop and I will feel so so sad and I'm avoiding that's that sadness of sleeping with someone too soon I'm a doctor and it just yeah it sucks yeah I think just you're just interacting with the wrong people yeah I mean I don't know who's the right person for you you know I know you never really can tell no you can't I mean you just know yeah when it happens yeah but it's my wife you she's just super nice
person how did you meet her met her at a bar really where Texas and oh god it's like Matt Damon that's how he met his wife I don't know why I just love to know how people met their wives you you have to find someone first of all it's gonna be able to deal with the fact that you're a comic right yeah that's you're dating other con which I am well that's good I guess everyone's like don't do that I'm securing christina pazsitzky one of the best couples at Moshe kasher and Natasha Leggero granny and rich yes great great couple it's possible yeah and obviously there are people that are gonna understand you yes I understand what you do but like a regular dude is gonna have a problem with you being the funny one like a lot of dudes have a problem you know but sometimes some people like are fine with it like Eliza Eliza's husband he's a chef he's super – great that guy's awesome I know he really is he's so chill he just like hangs like it's a perfect complement to her personality yeah so brash and outrageous and you know and she's so powerful and he's just like mellow dude you know it was like hanging out and you know it's like they work together yeah he's not a weak man he's just calm you know and they work together right you gotta find someone like that you gotta find someone who who complements your personality in a way yeah but it's just like I don't know how you meet someone like that when you're a girl comedian I think women comedians it's a unique requirement that you have for other people because the thing where men always want to be the center of attention right the man wants to be the Alpha they want to be the one who's talking like clink-clink-clink ladies and gentlemen we have you know Bob's gonna give a toast here if you want to be that [ __ ] and when you got a wife or a girlfriend who's a [ __ ] way funnier than you not only she funnier than you she's [ __ ] funny professionally yeah I'm funnier than everyone that isn't a comic and then a lot of comics do like it's like people like you need to convene I'm like I'll be funnier than two it's hard but it is hard and you're so right about that like I see how much [ __ ] men get thrown at them doing stand-up because even I get wet first
stand-ups like I know the tricks and I'll be watching a guy with like killing there's is there so much attraction when you see an audience all like watching this dude on stage and he's commanding them with laughter and telling you know controlling their emotions you just get wet for cuz you're like he's it's cavewoman brain it's like he's our tribe leader right he's the leader I need to [ __ ] him he's gonna protect me during wartime like that's the difference in men and women because men don't get that when a woman oh yes [ __ ] be in the kitchen yeah I remember Theo von telling me recently he was like I hated your comedy and I'm like what why he's like I did not like you when you and I go well I've always been funny so I don't understand in your commute your funny scene funny nose funny he's like it wasn't that it was just like your voice like reminded me of like my mom or something is my mom's always yelling at me and I was like there it is he even was like I can't believe I'm saying this to you and I was like I like it because yeah we remind you of your mom's female comics if you've been an overbearing mom telling you like it is what it is all the time ladies female comics if I atom an overbearing mother so I empathize with that Theo is so crazy it's all [ __ ] crazy he's so crazy he's funny though he's just so ridiculous ochio like I don't know anybody that has his style even remotely his style is so uniquely him it's so hard to be that unique and you watch him and you're like yeah this isn't cultivated this isn't was it's who you it's just who he is how he and he was able to that's not easy to do as be as funny as you are with your friends on stage and he's worked really hard at it and he's just he's nailed it man well he's just I don't know he's just got this thing that when he's funny like like Brody had this thing like yeah like if you wrote the things down that they say on paper it's not funny but you see them in person you [ __ ] dying they just figure out a rhythm of a rhythm of comedy that just does didn't exist before them yeah Brody is like it was unfortunate with some of the clips that were going around of him too like that people saw for the first time where he
would do like late night he wasn't the Brody that we all talked of as do you I'm saying well those late night spots never no one understands you have to be in the room first of all you have to realize that this is a [ __ ] two o'clock in the morning set of a show that started at 8:00 p.m. yes I mean and also like and I don't know if you'll agree with this but my take on standing up is even anybody that's even the most brilliant comedian when you watch them on a special it's 70% as funny as if you see them live maybe always might be less might be less maybe 60 you're nailing it yeah I've never liked someone more on a special than they've done than I've seen them laugh possible when you're there there's a crackling in the air when someone's onstage is a feeling when you're in the room with them and they're saying it live like they're saying like that part of what stand-up is is it's happening right in front of you when you watch a Netflix special you know that [ __ ] took place in May like if someone watches bang and I'm sure it's hilarious yeah but you know it happened in May you're not in the room it's a recreation it's a recreation of something yes you're so right I forget how great stand-up can be sometimes to just watch cuz I'm just I do my set and I leave but sometimes you have to like hang out and watch people it's so good good I still love it you're always watching you're good about that I've watched it and I try to blow up people that are coming up yeah up and coming yeah same yeah we were watching how do you how do you pronounce her last name Laura beets is that a sailor I've never heard saw on my Instagram page the other day me and Kreischer we did a set in the main room sold outside the main room and then how do you say her last name Jesus Christ she's funny though she was performing in front of 12 [ __ ] people in the or and Burt and I said let's just sit down and watch them company for a while and she's murdering and Adam egit had been telling me about Heights I'd be Laura lar AEI TZ o bi TZ [ __ ] murder yeah he's a murderer and so while we were on stay a while she was on stage there's 12 people the audience and the audience doubled during the time she was
onstage lar Wow eat itz i love it I'm telling you the [ __ ] plate we were dying she was murdering and this is what you did that louder dude 30 a.m. spot dude I gotta see her she mean that's what the comedy store is all about yeah it's like one day you're gonna see that girl she's gonna have a Netflix special and you're gonna say I remember I was at the [ __ ] comedy store it was 1:30 in the morning to show it like we're thinking about leaving and this lady went up and murdered Stan it was so great I'm so lucky I stumbled upon it if you took that clip and then made a video out of it and put it on YouTube in a tiny little screen you watched on your phone like you're not gonna get the real feeling that Burt and I got sitting in the back of it you gotta go see comedy live [ __ ] yeah that's what basically specials are right there like ads yeah just we're showing people how good we are so they'll come see us live yes but ads are never as yeah it's never as good as the movie it's I always tell people to go to shows alone because I feel like so many people miss out on going to see comedy because people always why because dude so many people aren't going to your shows because they can't front and friends to go and they feel like losers if they go alone and really yeah a lot of people don't do things like because they think oh if I can't find a date or I can't find that friend then I'm not gonna go so many people miss out on stuff and it's like I encourage people go alone because I think it's so cool it's also better because you want to check in on whoever you brought with you cuz I don't you just sir like I don't want to go alone so you pick a bunch of people that you're like or what if they don't enjoy it you're checking in on them and if you laugh too hard at something that's that you're like oh no they think I relate to that too much and you're worried they'll time when you go alone you're [ __ ] free thinking too much on behalf of people who are missing out on shows because they feel insecure about going alone go alone it's so cool I've never thought that once you think so much Joe Rogan I never thinking yeah but I mean go by yourself no one wants to go with you but if not go with your friends but what if you don't have friends get some friends no no no no no
some people don't have friends Joe they should have friend they I know they should make us some friends well I think they should go to a show alone and make friends with other people going alone boy how do you find them maybe you try to make friends with someone and they're with okay you [ __ ] get away she's in the bathroom yeah trying to make friends with people that are with somebody else and like hey man this isn't a place to make friends it's prays to see a show well my show I just connected to people last night that are going alone to my show you know who has like the record of the most people that buy single tickets he'll Marc Maron oh that makes sense totally makes sense yeah I want to eclipse that's kind of alienated he's that guy yeah he's alone in a shed connects just can't he's not in the shed anymore I got a new spot okay yeah moving on up the Jeffersons but that's that's a thing like like I've had people say hey if I come to your show by myself my loser Mike no I've kind of things by myself yes go to things by ourselves Oh wrong things by yourself but also find some friends it's so hard some people don't have friends you just need to do something where they'll find car Madhuri and what they do it's one of things about jiu-jitsu that's really wonderful is that people that do jiu-jitsu they've they find friends that also do jiu-jitsu you become friends with these people that are new this difficult thing listen I sold on jiu-jitsu I haven't met a damn person who has tried it and doesn't become obsessed with it yeah it's awesome and good self-defense for for the ladies right very good for the ladies like the best the best of all of them yes because look how small your hands are yeah you're not gonna punch somebody in the face and hurt them now it's just two too many men are too big too hard but you can defend yourself with jujitsu you'll you'll understand grappling and if you get a hold of someone's neck you could choke them unconscious really 1% yeah yeah if I let you wrap your arms around my neck and I show you how to do it I don't resist you could put me to sleep really Wow yeah legitimately especially with your legs like women who know how to use their legs correctly and they
learn how to choke people with their legs a guy tries to get on top of you you could strangle him yeah I don't have any defense technique in my backpack like I have nothing if a guy attacked me a moyes just like well I'm just dead like I need to learn something just be annoying to start decorating him then it it's working hahahaha that's what I'll do I'll just start talking and trying to psychoanalyze him you can be like your only attacking me right now because your mother didn't love you enough and you hate women and I remind you of your mom in some way that set you off and now you're trying to raise if you had a mic scale it now if you if you go to a jiu-jitsu class yeah that's where you'd meet a good guy I think so I think I think secure that's what I like about your sober October the challenge to do a new class where you're like it's not stuff it's made me not athletic event adventure but you're like what are you going to learn well yesterday we did yeah we went Tommy and I loved your caption about that it was really good where you said like it's something where I'm like I got I got a lot to learn I'm gonna like it it was my first time even shooting a pistol in more than 10 years I mean I hadn't shot a pistol since the last time I shot one on a on a range which I think was about ten years ago I shot rifles the last time I even shot a rifle though it was a few years ago two or three years ago yank so it was and I mean obviously I'm a real beginner when it comes to that and with pistols I'm a super beginner I didn't know anything so all these folks at this Tarrant tactical place were showing Tommy and I how to do it right and it's like it's it's a real wake-up call like you really don't know what the [ __ ] you're doing and it's something where there's a good giant area that you can improve in yeah knowing nothing like just I know how to squeeze the trigger I know the site is here you'll be lining it up pull the trigger don't jerk the trigger just pull it but learning it correctly from these people and how to hold the gun correctly to stabilize it and how you supposed to stand and how you supposed to lean in watching men and women do it correctly and show you you're like oh okay okay okay like woo this is good this is something I don't know anything about it's so exciting when you get like one
little nugget in it just all of a sudden changes everything and you're like I would have never figured that out on my own with all with millions of years of practic that's exciting so good yeah jisoo's on it unlocks an ocean of possibilities and you're just getting your toes wet first day you're like oh my god there's so much to learn I'm going to a voice doctor right now cuz I don't want to ruin not like my instrument and which I'm now starting to look at it as an instrument that I was never taught how to play I'm just freestyling on this [ __ ] saxophone you know like no one I've never gotten less we don't get lessons for our voice right right have you ever taken any no it's a good idea though I mean you talk so much have you ever lost your do you lose your voice ever no okay well then you're probably talking the right way yeah but you probably scream in a really efficient way or yell in an efficient way I think you just have strong vocal chords yeah I mean I'm learning stuff that I'm like whoa I didn't even know like there's three places where your voice can come from your throat your mouth and your nose and I'm talking all throat and that's why I'm getting polyps development I mean I'm getting stuff growths on it cuz I don't know how to talk and it's just my vocal cords are slamming all day and they develop calluses after they slam and those are like the and I'm gonna have to have them surgically removed I'm gonna lose my voice if I don't they're like you're here right in the nick of time so I do voice exercises every day and I'm loving it I started out to go that's opening up your throat so your vibrate and it's making you realize that the vibrations in your face cause a lot of your the sound so it's your nose and your mouth that you can focus on creating the sound that comes out of your that makes your the air okay [Applause] then you go and you're supposed to make your whole face vibrate feel it right now people screaming they're [ __ ] hating this and you should so yeah just in my house going never Monday number more mundane every Monday never Monday that's still a little throaty yeah yeah it's learning it's but it's like I never thought about it this it's changing everything do you know how to
play an instrument no no interest none me neither I mean I would like to know but if I did I would get into it that's the problem yeah and I don't have any time you don't have any time know what feel like this is a practical application for learning how to shoot people yes yeah he's probably good it's good didn't know you're entertaining people enough you don't need to add a guitar well I just I don't I don't want to get obsessed that's my you can't have interest because you don't have time why good because you'll get obsessed I'm crazy like that's my crazy I'm not I'm not a junkie like like you put heroin in front of me I'm not have no interest but if there's something that's interesting it's hard to do the problem is I get obsessed with things like really obsessed where they it takes over my whole day what was last funny last one yeah bowhunting and you still practice it all day I've got two ranges in the studio yeah I've got a game out there where have you seen the game then techno hunt game now I'll show to you okay studio there's a there's a [ __ ] archery game where there's a Kevlar screen and I have these different broad heads that are flat at the end like that's a weird one right like is that a negative some chicks love it it's like a classic rod yeah it sounds like a powerful 80s lady yeah brats not like like what's that net I mean other than like slit hole never heard slit yeah you're just a couple slits I've heard hole before that's what opium used to call the girl who was on the morning early because there was like holes in the show because like when they would talk the only reason why they were there was there a woman yes someone like we need a woman on the show said get some check and she would just say I just feel like you guys are not letting me talk and yeah Don shows whether the girl was a hole yeah I have to bargain on shows where the guy was a [ __ ] hole oh yeah there's a lot of just yeah holy shows though shows are kind of dying I know they're dying because of this because there are more interesting people that know how to make people laugh well there's no reason to listen to them and then every [ __ ] 15 minutes there's some new goddamn commercial for [ __ ]
Toms dodge yeah you'd get so bored you get so bored listen to the nail day and you just sold me a dodge yeah but those those morning shows you would go to those shows and Shawn would be really cool yeah you know some of them would be awesome but then there was other ones that you could tell they really wanted to be a comic but they were scared but they knew that you needed them to sell tickets so they were kind of yeah with you yes yes remember I go in I take those shows over to show them how it's done I wanted to show your listeners what real comedy is and what like actual jokes are did you have to go to those anymore do you still do those I still love doing them I'm here I rely I'm a morning person I get up I like to make the rounds I like to go in take oh I've learned from Bert Kreischer he was the first person he was a headliner when I was working with him as a feature act back in like West Virginia that sorry Virginia Beach funny boned Dayton where else were we were all over I was always working with him just randomly Richmond Virginia he would take me to radio which he did not need to do but he was like you want to come tomorrow and I'm like as a fee structure and he would burn and I would just see how he would walk in and take over a show and make it his own and they [ __ ] loved him they and he would sell more tickets because like it was just it was so much and he was having fun doing it and so when I do morning TV or do radio I always just go I my freest self and I feel like they're always like whoa she's out of control cuz you say anything on there and it's like don't button you know yeah yeah you just go in I go on TV shows with no makeup I look like faces of meth whenever I'm going onto my can market i literally looks so disgusting I can't care anymore because no one's watching these morning TV shows right and I go in with no makeup the lighting is so bright everyone's wearing so all the women look I look like a man because without makeup on as a woman on TV look like a man and you just do because women wear too much makeup so by comparison you look like a man and I just go in and sometimes I just like to have an open sore on my face like I just it's I feel so free doing those shows III think I'll do it
as long as they they ask me really yeah I like it when you selling out arenas and should they be nerve and maybe just some of my favorites like the good the good ones but um but I get a kick out of it I love radio Bert and Tom know how to take over a morning show it was morning TV shows yeah remember ever see Tom would go on as this character DJ dad mouth no yeah he would tell them that he's Polly and bye and he would wear sunglasses and fur coats and would wear gold chains and when he was so bored and the shows were already sold out so they were making him do these things because they had like relationships with the local TV stations and this is before he really blew up from his Netflix specials because see this is one DJ dad man has a big announcement I love this and DJ dad mouth does the weather he did it everywhere and and the people that were working these shows did not know what the [ __ ] he was talking about he would say yeah I'm coming out as Polly I'm Polly I'm coming out as non-binary that is so you're right it's it's completely out of boredom positions are so good fur coat with the hood the giant rope chain like that he had to travel with this yes for this and the [ __ ] interviews were hilarious because that is the lowest rung of show business in terms of competency yeah they are the least entertaining people in all of show business and they panic whenever there's any [ __ ] dead air they don't know what to do he like he would say something like oh it's so bad yeah it's rough yeah that [ __ ] anymore I don't do anything you don't do you know yeah you don't why don't you go on talk shows and some you just don't care no not too much yeah nobody wants to know what my opinions are I'm [ __ ] singing them constantly constantly I don't need any more attention I want lesson two I would need ten percent less attention okay new question new new new direction okay being famous going out places what's it like for you is it what you wanted is that what you expected you clearly there was some part of you that wanted to be famous at some point in your life I think you want to be you guys cuz you want to be successful right you want like in the beginning people are paying attention to other
people who aren't they paying attention to me oh look Jerry Seinfeld's in their own nobody nobody even cares if I'm alive I wish they cared that I was here yeah yeah but then once I get it you like oh then you lose your anonymity and then it's weird and then then people react to you differently one things my wife said to me I go I'll go back the guy seems like a nice guy she goes listen everybody's nice to you she goes you don't even realize it like people I've see people act like [ __ ] to other people and then you come in here and they act a totally different person I love that she said that she's hilarious my life says some funny [ __ ] she's funny than me like in terms of like social situations yeah she's the funny one because I'm not like I don't treat my funny yeah but she does yeah like she gets a kick out more in social situations she'll have a couple of drinks that she's the one yeah that like takes over but she's she's just got good timing like one time I'm I was going through this period of time where I was getting massages from dudes because girls just are not good at getting into the deep muscles yeah so I'd get these deep tissue massages from dudes but you know it was just funny we were staying in a hotel I got a massage and I came back upstairs I said [ __ ] I left my wedding ring back down there so I went back down the locker-room you get my wedding ring and she was where was it in his ass it's the way she said it like she was kid like she was actually curious and then she knows she got a zinger off oh good then I'm dying laughing so she thinks it's awesome yeah yeah she should she noted like if you didn't know better you'd probably think she's the comedian yeah like when we're outside but that's one of the reasons why it works yeah you know but cuz you need a funny but she doesn't want attention but she likes being funny like with us she just likes she just gets a kick out of it's fun fern so yeah it's like she does want to play tennis professionally but she might want to play with her friends that's partner for a comedian I believe but she noticed is that people are nicer to you and you I mean you have dealt you've seen the shift yeah everyone's nice now
yeah suddenly yeah and it's not that the world's just got nicer you've just gotten more famous how do you do you what what about when you're in public and you find people like videotaping you or like you can sense it when they are away when you know the damn alarm people do you say anything or do you just let it go come on man I'm just a human dude he's a human that more people know that's it don't be weird you know you want to take a picture we take a picture together yeah don't don't be just filming and pretending you're not filming it's just too strange like my friend Sturgill said that he's on an airport and some dude was just holding a phone up while him and his friends were talking and he goes oh come on man he goes hey it's the price you pay he's like no not there's nothing written anywhere price you pay as you see me at Starbucks talking to my friend you stick a phone in front of us and film us what we're talking that's just wheels yeah but it's just it's also that it's so alien to some people to see a famous person yeah one of the good things about LA is they're used to famous people there's so many famous people out here you see them all the time and it's like you get it you know they're gonna be around so you're like oh there's Nicky it's normal it's like a safari right the animals are in their natural habitat norm it is cool to see a cheetah but there's others but if you're in you know [ __ ] Louisville and you're walking around and you tried to a bar it might get weird thanks Michael Western yes and you've been to Louisville in a bar yeah and you've had to leave that bar yeah I've had a few of those moments but most the time people are just friendly you just shake their hand and they're you know I have a like the kind of fame I have is like people know me it's a weird kind of Fame it's like because of the podcast they know me oh they know you so well it's not like Daniel day-lewis where you have no idea what he's like yeah I'm gonna go talk to him right or what he sounds like I wonder what he talks like it's a really good point yeah they know you I mean I even have had guys ask me out or fear or like proposed that we should date because they're like there's this one guy recently who discovered me in one day and he knew he was gonna see me that
night at the meet and greet at the show and I think he had seen my roast kind of went viral last week or two weeks ago so we saw that he was like oh my god she's in Irvine tonight and he he bought a meet and greet ticket and he listened to me all day he was like I listened to you on Rogen for three hours then I listened to this podcast I mean he was listening to me all day so for him we spent it whole day together right where I was telling him all my deepest insecurities I mean I get real on these things and people feel connected to you and then he comes to the meeting great and his energy is so strong and like we should be together type enter like he didn't say that but he's just like it just you could I just go this guy's spend all day with me and I don't know him at all and I knew that going in and he and I kind of just like shooed him out like we took a picture it was nice but I was like good he came the next night again cuz you could tell he went home and was like I blew it my one shot and he bought a meet-and-greet again which I'm like you said through the show again it's the same [ __ ] show and he had a second chance and he tried to touch me like low on my weight and I just took his hand like get up no but it feel they feel like they know you but that's a weird thing when someone tries to touch you low in your waist like right by your butt and they can't wait oh that's your butt let me just touch the top of her butt I'm I'm I'm grateful than anyone even thinks I haven't asked worthy to touch because I have such a flat ass so when it does get touched I'm kind of like flattered but don't do it I don't like it it Eltham Utley makes me feel not good at all it lead I mean my friend Andrew will be watching me because it's happened so many times where guys casually just put their hand on my ass when they're taking a picture right and it's and no one ever sees it I'll have security guards like watching it'll be like we just watch four men touching me in weird places cuz it's always weird for me to call out because it's like in front of their wife and I don't wanna embarrass them and making a thing right so I just go like I'd rather someone else call it out and security guards will watch and I'll be I'll walk up to him and be like
did you not see that guy they're like no I was watching I'm like it's so stealthy and subtle the the way that a guy can put his fing this is what they they do your back and then when they're done with the picture they'll just go like like their hand will like oh I'm just my hands just gravity and it'll graze your whole backside and what it does it's just like god man you don't respect me I just was onstage you paid to see me you had to sit and be quiet the whole time I demanded a sort of respect in that moment and you've just taken that from me it just makes me feel gross I don't know if it's that they don't respect you is that they're trying to get away with it they think like oh just maybe she won't even know so I just let my hand go limp and just go down I thigh but they don't they want me to notice so I'm like I don't know maybe depends on the person yeah it's but it happens all and with women it happens a ton women definitely like you know grabs me older ladies that are drunk yes older ladies of junk will just grab my ass I've had like not okay late forties ladies get a couple of pops and I'm ladies night out they were hot in their 20s they were like the type of girl that like yeah I see if I feel them feeling my back they literally squeeze okay like a horse like checking checking the meat stop it ladies it's not okay for you to do two men I know it's not the same let me say something cuz it's gross basically threatening women it's grab my hey get out of my ass but it's not like any man with their musculature at any size could really overpower me I'm a weak I'm a tall woman but I'm a weak woman so any man touching me is like it's a threats a threat it is a threat not the same with women and men but still get the [ __ ] off men women I'm sorry well it's just people are just and that's another thing about drinking you know people get drunk and they make stupid [ __ ] choices that they never make if they were sober even smart people smart people with five drain stupid oh they're so stupid no I wanted a smart person five drinks and I'm like who the wrong [ __ ] thing like weird [ __ ] secret desires that never get revealed all sudden come popping up yep they start making out with guys whoa yes yeah everyone's dumb at seven drinks
everyone I think no one's better two drinks and more like maybe men cuz you have a little bit more tolerance but it's around two drinks where I'm like I love a person up until two drinks they'll get better and then after two drinks I'm like they're slow they're slow they're loud they're close to your face would you prefer for drinks or cocaine see I haven't take four drinks over coke every day that well tell me that tell me why because I guess I'm not around enough cokeheads they talk too much mm-hmm they talk too much they want to get really close to you and they want to keep talking they talk fast adderall people I think it's always about them the thing about speed amphetamines it's it's you're it's always a self-serving conversation it's always about you so it's about what you're gonna do it's always about who's [ __ ] you over and you know who's keeping you from doing this and you're gonna do that and you're gonna you know this cuz you're smart and everybody else is stupid but you're not but that's that's coke talk did you do ever do could you never me me there never did it I got lucky I knew I had a good buddy of mine his cousin sold it I watched this whole life fall apart he's doing coke constantly he lost a shitload of weight and I'm ever thinking oh my god oh you got bit by a vampire like this guy got infected and you're like no so scared of it a few people in my neighborhood would do coke and they it always went bad it always went bad yeah so I just I recognized that real early I was like that's a bad one I did it one time with Doug Stanhope Paulo I didn't mean to but I was just I really didn't mean to was it the Kansas City Stanford in sons and Kansas City that place you have to do coke there I think it's part of the contract I all all week I didn't talk to Doug I was so scared of him I was emceeing I was in college still and the last night Saturday night after the Late Show he had like his whole entourage back to his hotel room to hang out I was invited I went just sitting quietly in the corner and he has a bunch of coke on the desk that he's doing but and no one else is really doing it they're just kind of watching him do it and then he gets a
call from the front desk that's like hey your cars here get an early morning flight and he's like I'm not taking this with me did does anyone does anyone want it and I was like I'll bring it back to my friends at college like that's a lot of coke and like me I'll sell it I don't know what's coke were you talking about it was like a pile of it what'd it look like the pile like describe it like a golf ball yeah golf ball okay like yeah that's a lot and um I was like I'll take it and he was like okay and he hands me a rolled up dollar bill and I was like oh he thought he meant now and I was like twenty and insecure and wanting to be cool says I have what's that's if you have any excuse do it and so I did it and then I went home and [ __ ] clean my apartment did you yeah I went home and cleaned and like wrote an essay that I needed to write and I was like shit's good Wow but you know it's just like doing Ritalin and Adderall wrong you get [ __ ] done but you're there's a price yeah it's not good you're it's a b-minus of a paper whenever I like have something you know I've taken an activity yes yeah it's gonna suffer Joey Diaz who used to be a big cokehead one of things he said he goes there's no soul in what you said it was when he doing coke there's no soul in it yeah yeah because it's all about you like you said it's just empty why yes it's weird it's weirdly disconnected you know like you know the movie showgirls mm-hmm one of my favorite movies yeah yeah that's a coke movie like you could tell the people made that what we were doing coke yeah it's a ridiculous movie like who the [ __ ] greenlit this thing who say yes they were doing coke because that was the 90s and then the 90s a lot of people did coke it was a coke movie yeah I I think I mean it's just my opinion or maybe I'm wrong what was the last second Alec trip you had any I did mushrooms couple months ago yeah that was [ __ ] awesome where'd you do him um did him with Ari on the show we did did him during a podcast really yeah and do you guys start tripping during the podcast yeah yeah we're having fun what is what is sound like it was great broadcast was great we didn't take too much but yeah we took enough and what like you know no one can tell when you're on them like
you can still function normally yeah I mean it depends on how far you go please you guys are so funny yeah you can go down the rabbit hole though okay I mean you can go down the rabbit hole and be incoherent mm-hmm mushrooms er its dose-dependent I mean what you're doing is like you're getting you know you take a little bit you're like shaking hands with the Angels but you're not going to heaven you're not going to visit them you're like hi how are you oh my god you're so wonderful but you're not like riding on their wings going going to the other dimension but if you take enough that's where you go if you take enough you're not talking to anybody and have you done Alice T yes and good yes great experience yeah you had a bad experience on that no no but I took it I took it later in life I don't think it's I think most of these psychedelics where you have bad experiences what you're having is your own psychological dilemma and then your battle with whatever the the drug or the psychedelic is trying to do to you versus what your ego is trying to control and keep it from happening I mean I've seen a lot of people have bad trips on some of the worst trips I've ever seen people have was from edible pot edible pot is one of the strongest things that people don't recognize mm-hmm it's it's a very different drug than smoking it and when you know you when you think of things that can take you down the rabbit hole you don't think of edible pot people think of pot is just like oh you're gonna get a high maybe you can get too high but you're just getting high but boom when you eat it it's a completely different animal yeah literally like physiologically it's a different now really yeah it's it creates something called eleven hydroxy metabolite that's five times more psychoactive than THC and what it's like not even psychoactive in smoking it it's a different drug feels different totally different drug that makes complete sense yeah that's a different drug it's processed by your liver something called the one pass it passes through your liver and the THC gets processed into eleven hydroxy metabolite Google it's trippy [ __ ] I have way stronger lights turn on some micro dos
versions of mushrooms that I have to add two of them and they were it was great it just made things a little bit brighter have you ever microdose yes you know does it all time hey white oh really Ron white so micro dosing [ __ ] yeah cuz I'm on this new drug it's called mushrooms and I just take a little bit every day woah yeah I know a lot of people to do that yeah a lot like dozens dozens of people who microdose including fighters I know a lot of Fighters and microdose yeah I forgot today was even on any I was like I was just like oh this room looks like cooler yeah just feels like oh yeah I ate that little piece yeah you just feel a little better and you're like what is all I took mushrooms yeah I forgot yeah did you hear that uh re spike Bert's drink with Molly what they did a podcast together and re dumped Molly into Bert's drink wait is that why Bert's wife isn't talking RN exactly wait that's what wait one podcast in his house in Bert's house what family are you so crazy I don't trust him for a second I'm so scared of Ari Shaffir he's [ __ ] crazy I've seen him just like ax ask about my life and be like interested now like open up to him and then he'll like use it against me later on I'm like this guy yeah he'll just like store up things use it against not using mom to be funny hmm I think he's evil mm didn't gorgeou fear is secretly evil secretly evil yeah I think you know yeah I do I think he's a good I like him but I don't trust him because I because he spiked Burke he gave his friend Molly that's not okay it's not okay but wait that's hilarious though that's what I do like about already dude they were both on Molly because I already took it himself again the podcasts going on at Ari starts dance and he's like sort of dancing and move in and births like what do you want Molly are you a member it's like what and then all of a sudden and then he realizes like what's going on he realizes and ours are gonna put some in your drinks like oh he's home with his family okay I kind of want Ari to spike my drink and I want that to be asked you don't you do Molly are you it Ari no do it not do it again trouble I'm giving you consent to do it to me in a sneaky
podcast hmm I think they'll be so fun I always Joe that's my thing I need an excuse to be bad like that's why I like bondage it's like oh no like I can't do this like I'm forced to do this dirty thing hmm I don't really want to do this but you're making me that's why it's a Dancing with the Stars I'm like you made me wear this swimsuit on TV I can't not be a [ __ ] what's the shoulder thing it's just like helpless [ __ ] like I need an excuse to be bad to be what I really want to be which is high [ __ ] yeah and mean like the most gross excuse to be mean it's excused to be evil I had to do these drugs too what am I gonna go to a roast and compliment everyone I can't do that no they're so there's always there's always I had to I get it I get it well you just gave Ari the excuse and believe me he's gonna capitalize on it I really do want to do Molly I feel like I'll just do it with him not with him I would do it someone recommended him to be my shaman on a trip and I was like what the [ __ ] I don't trust him to be my shaman who could trust Alaska he's gonna die Alaska well whatever so maybe mushrooms was like so I was like trust him for that meet me up that mountain okay look you could trust ari Ari was just mad at Burton it's not logical it's not tenable I don't I don't agree with no he's mad at birth that the whole reason why we do sober October was we were trying to get sober and Bert was you know we were worried about his health like yeah yeah Bert's ridiculously overweight and he's also on high blood pressure medication but yet he still drinks every [ __ ] night really this is crazy man like you got to stop doing this and so the original reason for sober October was to try to sober Bert up it started off four years ago there was a weight loss challenge between Tom and Bert and during the whole weight loss challenge Bert kept drinking this is how [ __ ] up he is he's trying to win this big thing and at the end of it he only fell short by a few pounds but he was drinking the hotel couldn't help the whole time yeah so then the next year we were like okay we got to figure out a way to get Bert sober let's do this let's let's even go sober for the whole month of October and berbils would walk who he was hemming
and hawing I didn't want to do it I said I'll do it too we'll all do it will all be sober so that's what kicked off sober October number one that was three years ago we and we just said we've made a challenge we're gonna be sober for the whole month and we're gonna have to do 15 hot yoga classes which is fun it was good yeah and you know Bert did it he had no problems he was sober for the whole month and he actually did get healthier and he looked better but then the next year got too crazy the next year we decided to have a fitness challenge god that was so insane that was crazy that was hard to watch I was crazy watching you guys just give up your whole lives give up those points yeah seven hours a day I was doing I mean I talked about that one day that you'd like your heart rate was at maximum it was an 80% heart rate max for five hours yeah it was more than that because I got a you get one minute for one minute at 80% of heart rate you get one point and I had 1,100 minutes for the dude yeah yeah I mean that's torture I'm so glad you guys pulled back this year it was so crazy so I was obsessed it's Bert getting sober is this working no no no Brice sure he shouldn't be drinking at all no I mean that high blood pressure [ __ ] is no joke that's how people get strokes yes you really shouldn't be drinking at all but he did cut back on sugar and he said he had lost what do you say he lost like 20 20 pounds something that Christ can do anything yeah I can really do anything he needs to stop drinking yes he does but he loves drinking any alcohol on stage of taking a shirt no he loves being the life of the party but I don't want to lose the life of the party because I know we're enabling this like a party but see the thing is that party thing that he does like it's sort of dependent upon alcohol like that's part of the image that he's created and we talked about in the podcast the other day that Kinnison had the same problem they would just lay these giant lines of coke oh it's ham it's ham lay that coke out like to the point where like no one can yep bert goes into a town and isn't down to drink and that's the hole and he invites the audience to go out with him after the show and they all drink together and he's doing double so she sees having double Tito's and he's
drinking like [ __ ] 20 drinks a night I can't believe how much he's able to accomplish with his drinking habits amazing it's think of what do you be able to do without it I don't know if that's the case no but half of what he's accomplished he's accomplished because of his stand-up and half of his stand-up is his partying yeah it's like he's he's a funny guy he would always be a funny comic oh like whether or not he can accept that without the alcohol whether or not he can embrace that without the alcohol he's not an alcoholic in the sense that he's not addicted to alcohol because he did quit two years in a row for a whole month without a problem he really did do it right and you know he said it's not a big deal he was I miss it I'd like to like to have a drink but I'm okay yeah so he's not like he didn't get the shakes and his I'm [ __ ] it's like I'll just was telling him not to do it yes I college oh really it was like this is probably not the thing for you to quit drinking it was like my [ __ ] trick told me to stop it's not to stop yeah which is crazy but I just you know I reasoned cuz quitting drinking for me it felt like so much of my identity to drink and I talked about it on stage I mean it wasn't anywhere as wrapped up as Bert isn't it but he's had enough fun you've had your whole life of doing this you've been the since no no no no he's just starting to kill it he's selling out theories often right he's doing great right now any specials elevated him all of his Instagram stuff every time we do these sober October things he sells way more ticket I know it's would be funny no matter what yes he's a comic everybody who's funny is funny no matter what they're so scared you think if I get on Zoloft if I was talk to someone about my issues if I conquer my if I talk about the anger I have towards my father what am I gonna be funny on the other side of it yes you're funny you're comic it's a profession it's gonna make you it's it's one of the rare professions we think you're dependent upon certain substances yeah but we do know people that got sober and then got boring that's true too you didn't yeah you pulled it off but there are people that got sober and then they started to suck really yeah that's
quite a few but then there's also people who get sober and got even better like Dave Attell yes Dave Attell sobered up his [ __ ] joke writing just kicked into another level yeah cuz he got addicted to writing like he just funneled it all you also get all that and more bandwidth yeah more energy yep Nikki Glaser's we gotta wrap this up haibach already that crazy suspense self we just bang now three hours of talking crazy it flies by um tell everybody you're special banging Netflix how do I get a hold you on the Instagram and on the Nikki Glaser on Instagram I have a radio show on Sirius XM every morning Monday through Thursday 10:00 to 12:00 Eastern on Comedy Central radio so if you have serious or a rental car check that out and I have a podcast of the radio show that comes out every Friday you up podcasts and I'm going on tour banging out tour starting January through the spring tickets on presale now use code bangin for special pricing and like my first theater tour alright dude with that thank you thanks Joe always a good time always bye everybody [Applause] [Music]