Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHywLO_A3lY
The jogan Experience so listen man last time you were here there's a [ __ ] story about the Russian mob we tease these [ __ ] we we let these people right now on Twitter they have been going crazy all day do not let Berke ker get out of there without the Russian mob story man tell us what the [ __ ] happened all right this is in 19 um 93 probably I think is when I went to Russia I was taking Russian classes in Florida State I thought there were Spanish classes because I thought they were I thought they were Spanish classes because I it was a noon class and I signed up and then I was like [ __ ] sweet Spanish at noon I could phone that in and then I get there and they start writing in a new language a new alphabet and I'm like all right this clearly isn't Spanish so then I said I'm going to leave and the teacher's like listen don't leave um because if you leave we can't have a class and I can't get my Master's Degree so but if you stick around I'll talk to you after the class I get done the end of the class she's like um listen don't uh you know if you don't leave and I won't and just show up at class I'll give you a c I was like done done so I took Russian I took Russian one two and three because these kids needed another guy in the their class to take these classes so then finally I take Russ I take Russian 4 and we go to Russia we go to Russia but this is Russia like when the mob ran Russia like are you did are you guys aware of that no okay in like the N late 90s mid 90s the mob ran everything that had to do with Russia so when going over to Russia you had to you had to literally pay off the mob in order to go and study abroad so we paid off the mob and they gave us in return two Banditos two young Mobsters who would go everywhere with us they lived in our hotel they stayed with us they went on tours with us they went they would did everything with us their names were eigor and Sasha and when we got there our our teacher was like listen this is eigor and Sasha they will be ghosting us but my teacher who was there with me was like they're in the [ __ ] mob eigor and Sasha and Sasha like G guy named Bruce and they were like and they were oh it gets worse so so they're like listen whatever you do to our class do not talk to them do not interact them do not engage them they
are only here to Shadow us so in my head I'm like [ __ ] get to know these guys right like get a bottle of vodka sixpack of Bala knock on their door no mind you I speak no Russian at the time no Russian cuz I had never studied in any of the classes so first night there I knock going on eigor in Sasha's room and they're having a party in there like [ __ ] all their friends are in their room they lived right next to me and Kendra my teacher lived across the hall from eigor so I knock on their door eigor opens the door and he looks like a [ __ ] Thug he's got he's got like a wife beater on a cigarette a beer and he just looks at me in Russian and just goes and now the second he says that I start panicking all the phrases I had in my head that I was trying to say all disappear and all I say to eigor in Russian is I am the machine what is it how do you say that yashu and so but I just said yashu and he went stole and now I don't know what I've said I'm like did what did I just say I'll [ __ ] you up like and I go I go I am the machine and he goes say it again I said I'm the machine and then he starts laughing and he brings me into the room he's like hold on say it again and so I say it to the room I don't know what the [ __ ] I'm saying I'm like I'm the machine and they're like you're the machine I'm like I'm the machine I said that all [ __ ] night with these guys that's the only communication we had is I said I'm the machine and eag and Sasha and I became best friends right we did everything together if we went on a field trip they would tell me machine you don't need to go on the field trips come drink with us so now uh cut to one day we have to take a train to Moscow now a different mob ran the train to Moscow and a dri train mob ran Moscow and eigor and Sasha were not allowed to cross boundaries and they told me they said listen we're not going to go with you but we've taken care of you we've talked to the Mobsters on the train and in Moscow cuz we had to pay them too they had to follow they weren't allowed to come with you they weren't allowed to come with us it's a different M and we're paying a different mob now to protect us on the train we're paying a different mob to protect us in Moscow holy [ __ ] so they said we've taken care
of it don't worry about it so they take me to the train and uh they introduced me to our two new gangsters eigor and eigor what I double e swear to you three eor out of four Dudes eigor and E there's not a lot of names in Russia it's Alex eor or Sasha what about Fodor so so eigor and Igor my eigor says to these Igor this is the machine if you give them alcohol you'll have a great time so eag and EIG are like through the roof they're like awesome don't worry we've taken care of you we we're sitting in first class you're not sitting with your class you're sitting in first class to Moscow and I'm like holy [ __ ] this is what I'm talking about and I bring another guy John baloy Big John I bring him with me to go sit in first class and sure enough man we're in [ __ ] first class just me these two eagor John the conductor I [ __ ] you not the conductor before the train takes off comes into the room I swear to you rips off the band on his thing says this is a present for the machine it would be an honor to do a shot with you and I'm like oh this [ __ ] right so I do a shot with the conductor and we pound this vodka within like [ __ ] 30 45 minutes we're done all the vodka in the room W we're drinking hard and my class is all on coach and I'm sitting in first class and eigor and EIG are like let's go get more vodka and I'm like done they these guys run the [ __ ] train so we get up we walk into the bar cart and uh big eigor says machine grab a um bottle of uh grab grab some bread kle and I'm like that's bread I'm I'm understanding Russian he's like grab some SE that's cheese I'm like I'm learning Russian I'm looking at John who's standing behind me he's like yeah he's like grab vodka I go I know that one and he's like grab all the money grab all the rubles and I go what I look around and we're robbing the bar what the the bartender standing like this everyone standing against the wall and I'm sitting behind the bar with a handful of rubles a bottle of vodka and a thing of bread going holy [ __ ] John looks at me and he's like just take it let's go take all the [ __ ] cash out of the bar card and what is the bartender doing not making eye contact every and they're pack everyone just lets it happen it's the mob they ran everything in Russia everything wow and
so we get done and we go back to our room and it's a totally different energy like very like very sketchy you know and you freaked out now I'm freaked out cuz I'm like [ __ ] I just robbed the car like no one else saw anyone Rob the bar car except for me and my teacher Val who's at the time was our chaperon didn't speak any Russian she comes to our first class cart opens the door and says I need to talk to you right now and I was like listen and she goes I told you that you're in big trouble you I my classmate your classmates have told me what happened big igore takes a sip of vodka spits in her eyes and goes no one talks to the machine like that I'm like whoa he spit vodka in her eyes and [ __ ] it is and and then shuts the door and then looks at me and he says don't worry I got you when it gets dark we're going to have a lot of fun and he pulls out a thing at Keys he's got keys to the whole [ __ ] train he's like we're going to rob everyone when the when it gets dark now I'm like [ __ ] what did I get myself into like this is bad news bad [ __ ] news so we gets dark and sure enough man we start robbing the train go through my class first and we [ __ ] open the door little eag would crawl in pull the bags out John and I would go through them and try not to steal like anything important and big eag stand guard and if anyone woke up he'd take a SI of Voda and spit it in their face what and it was I mean it's sketchy now it's sketchy it's not even fun are they Lo are these guys armed [ __ ] no no no they're loaded though they're hammered piss drunk we robed my whole class and then uh and then we end up they end up taking off and going into the car and me and John are sitting in in the first class car just thinking we're [ __ ] man we're [ __ ] we' robbed the train we've robbed the bar cart and they come back and they're just [ __ ] angry drunk like piss angry drunk we pull in a Moscow and my teacher vow uh comes to the door opens it and said I'm just letting you know we've called the police so I was like [ __ ] so eigor eagor and eigor are like [ __ ] it don't worry [ __ ] the police [ __ ] the police this is Russia who the [ __ ] she think she is this isn't America this is Russia we run everything I'm like G I'm going to [ __ ] go to the gulag sure enough sure enough man the cops are sitting on the on the middle
like the middle you know where people get off the train that little receiving area my class is sitting there my whole class are in the pajamas they're crying their bags have been gone through they're [ __ ] giving statements to the cops and the cops are writing them down and I'm sitting with eigor and eigor and John in the [ __ ] cart and they're just still drinking and smoking and they're like [ __ ] this [ __ ] this we'll take a there of this right now they walk outside out to the cops and start yelling at the cops and I'm like [ __ ] this is not how I would have taken care of this just I don't even know what they're saying but they're just shouting and the cops are shouting back and then finally big eer just starts pointing at me and I'm like oh he's pinning this whole [ __ ] thing on me like I'm going down for the whole thing and then the cop starts pointing at me and telling Z or whatever you're saying come here right now so I [ __ ] walk out and it's that moment where you find the hash on your body you know they find it and you're going to jail forever that's that moment that walk where your [ __ ] gets cold and you're like this is it this Midnight Express [ __ ] that's the moment and I walk all the way across this little [ __ ] Trail to get to him I get right up to the cop and the cop looks at me and he goes I understand you're the machine I was like yeah and he goes tonight you party with us I was like what all right so then we went out and party with these cops so the cops did nothing [ __ ] nothing they were so excited to meet the machine what they were like this [ __ ] it was the it was it it was it is a it was a a nickname is there no one funny in Russia is that what it is no there was no there was no humor there was no I got a drink with you is that what it is is there no one funny and then you come along and you're hilarious so they're like we're partying with you yeah and I was and I was just loud like there's not a lot of loud people like you would you be willing to move to Russia to be their [ __ ] and to like no dude those guys scared me one night the guy how many nights did you party with these guys oh I parted with eag and eag were on the train only and then I parted with the cops in Moscow with John and then for one night and
then we we hid from them cuz they wanted they like the cops wanted uh no the cops were were scary more scary than the gangsters cuz they you they could not get in trouble like they you they were like drive my cop car and you're like what the [ __ ] drive my cop car [ __ ] did they drive on the left side or the right side the same side as us uh I I don't remember I I was there for three months you think i' I have no idea I they drive the same side as us but they but they I mean like the whole experience in Russia was just I mean it was just I remember one time we eigor and Igor and Sasha said they were going to get a boat for us for Russian Mayday or Labor Day and they're like yeah we got to um they're going to have a big boat for our whole class we're all going out on the boat so I get up early for the day we're going out on the boat and I go over to Igor's room and eigor is eating dried fish drinking beers and I was like what's the matter and he's like I'm [ __ ] I go what and he goes we got no boat I what do you mean he goes I've I've done everything to try to get a boat I can't get a [ __ ] boat and we've promised the class of boat for the tour is supposed to have a boat and so we're like oh [ __ ] and he goes and then all a sudden his the phone rings and he goes we got a boat I go we do and he goes yeah so we start walking to the dock we're carrying a [ __ ] big case of beer my whole class cameras and [ __ ] their little passports around their neck and one of his buddies just walks up and he's like hey and he's like hey and then we just get to the dock and there's a boat there and we just get on it and take off off and halfway through we realized the guy just stole the [ __ ] boat really he just stole the boat and he was like Russia must be just [ __ ] crazy insane we went to we went to a big mob boss party one night and Igor's like tells the mob boss he goes this is the machine this is the guy what how does this all happen I just was loud and then and then I was partying with eigor and Sasha so much that like that and and they just tell their friends oh you got to meet this guy you got to meet this guy he's so funny dude we're going to have to drink with you I never we got to do shots with B Crusher you got to be careful man you're you're selling
yourself as this incredible fun party guy and everyone's going to want to do shots with you oh I don't I'm I'm [ __ ] are you friends with eigor on Facebook now have you like tried to find him I don't think eig's a lot can I follow eigor on Twitter [Music] [Laughter] just click on you want all we ready yes