Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlYbp36HPb0
you have to go to a dark place sometimes to like get to that point who [Music] we are so excited to have Lucy Hale she's been in the spotlight since she was just a kid stars on the hit show Pretty Little Liars and now I'm a movie star not what you were expecting you might be the first real deep conversation I've had it's dark disgusting and scary I wish I could go back and tell my 16 year old self buckle up girl we're gonna go through some foreign [Applause] assumption that it'll fix a bunch of stuff what didn't it fix I struggled with the eating disorder because society makes it really freaking hard to like the way you look I hated myself so much that I couldn't even give it basic needs like food I did not feel worthy of the success or the career or the people in my life and then the coping mechanisms were like incredibly self-destructive I've been working on getting sober since I was 20. I just like held on to that belief that real Lucy came out when she was drinking I tried to change for my mom I tried to change for my career one of my best friends died of alcoholism and that still didn't make me want to get sober none of that Works alcohol isn't the problem the problem is this feeling inside of me I have to try it a different way was there a Darkest Day [Music] I just want to start this episode with a message of thanks a thank you to everybody that Tunes in to listen to this podcast by doing so you've enabled me to live out my dream but also for many members of our team to live out their dreams too it's one of the greatest privileges I could never have dreamed of or imagined in my life to get to do this to get to learn from these people to get to have these conversations to get to interrogate them from a very selfish perspective trying to solve problems I have in my life so I feel like I owe you a huge thank you for being here and for listening to these episodes and for making this platform what it is can I ask you a favor I can't tell you how much you can change the course of this podcast the the course of the guests were able to invite to the show and to the course of everything
that we do here just by doing one simple thing and that simple thing is hitting that subscribe button helps this channel more than I could ever explain the guests on this platform are incredible because so many of you have hit that button and I know when we think about what we want to do together over the next year on this show a lot of it is going to be fueled by the amount of you that are subscribed in that tune into this show every week so thank you let's keep doing this and I can't wait to see what this year brings for this show for us as a community and for this platform [Music] I tend to start these podcasts in a very similar way and I think in your case it's never been more pertinent to start in that way which is to understand your context I've got to be honest I I read a lot about you online but I couldn't really get to the very Crux of like who you are and why you are that way and it was really really surprising to me because it almost appeared that you hadn't done a proper slightly deeper interview before no I think it's so interesting you word it that way because I actually didn't know who I was until very recently and I think that's because and yes you might be the first um real deep conversation I've had publicly and that's part of the reason why I wanted to do this because I'll start off with saying I just think you're so amazing you're obviously very intelligent but like you lead with your heart and I was like oh I feel like this would be a good match for us to kind of talk but yeah I I think because I I moved to LA when I was 15 and started working pretty young that my identity became what I did for a living and my accomplishments and my successes or failures within my career space so it took me a long time to figure out who I was or who I wanted to be like to people would ask me what kind of person are you and I actually couldn't answer it I had no idea and through a series of um I guess we'll call it speed bumps just we all have our own personal journey I have
I'm slowly like peeling away that onion of of who I am and it turns out like that person's always been here I just forgot she was there or like kind of put her in the basement if you will but um but yeah it's been an interest it's been a really powerful last year for me um I will give you a heads up I cry all the time so just I'm I'm getting you ready I also have big eyes and they get really glassy but I I get emotional when I speak about these things because I just love where I've landed in my life and it's been a really um Jesus I didn't know I'd get like emotional this early on um it's just been a really powerful and painful insightful joyous horrible journey and I um love that I can sit across from you now and be my most authentic self so that's a long way of saying I'm glad to be here and it's not is it it makes you emotional because you're happy where you are now I I mean I I've always kind of felt like an open wound if if that makes sense like even as a kid I just felt like I felt things in a really deep way um you could call that maybe codependency or um taking on problems that weren't mine but now I get emotional because of the perspective and just having pride and in the choices I've made and um and it's not it's not an emotional tears in a sad way it's more just Joy whereas I've been happy at different points in my life but I hadn't ever experienced joy and to me the difference in happiness and being joyous joyous is long-term and sustainable and it doesn't come from anything external comes from here and um and I had always heard people say that that like true happiness comes from yourself and I was like I don't what what are you doing like okay shut up like I don't know what you're talking about but but it really does and it's been um
a slow grind so let's start from the beginning then um your context before the age of 10 years old growing up in Memphis bring me into that world like what do I what do I need to know about that that chapter in your life to understand the journey and the direction that Journey took um yeah so from Memphis uh families all still in Tennessee I have an older sister who I adore and admire so so much um I mainly lived with my mom growing up my dad's still in the picture but they were divorced really young and I was just what was I like as a child I was I think as long as I can remember I've always felt kind of like and I don't mean this in a sad way like in a victim way I've always felt like I was on the outside looking in like I never had a lot of friends I never felt the need to make friends or be social like after school I wouldn't want to go to a friend's house I would I would rush to get home to go be alone with myself so I've kind of always craved this feeling of needing Solitude because that's when I could sort of be myself and I felt that as early as you know 10 years old but um I guess my love of entertaining uh came from my mom was married to this man who heard me singing in my room when I was probably like six or seven I loved Aladdin I loved Disney movies and I I vividly remember like pretending to be Jasmine on the Magic Carpet and I would just sing with my little tapes and and he told my mom like Lucy's got a good voice and up until that point I had never you know I was too young to even know what being a singer meant but that led to taking singing lessons which led to performing around Memphis and mind you I hated performing live like I felt for someone who's an introvert and someone who loves Solitude being on stage and I'm sure we'll talk about this later like I ended up doing music as an adult and I still had that same feeling I just felt so exposed and it was really scary and I ran a little anxious
um but anyway so I I grew up performing in that way and then I found out what it meant to be an actor this is probably around age 13 or 14. and we found this small agent who was like Lucy should audition for this show that Disney's doing called Hannah Montana this was years before they cast Miley Cyrus and it was then it was that moment in that audition where I was thinking oh I can act and sing at the same time like this is my dream this is my way out you know and um way out I'll get yeah I'll you're so smart yes so I I now as an adult I'll Circle back around to it um because you know how I said it was hard for me to say what kind of person am I it was also hard for me up until recently to to know why I wanted to be an actor I didn't know why until recently and I'll Circle back around to it but um so it was this Hannah Montana audition which led to knowing what a pilot season was and pilot season for anyone listening is when they don't really have a pilot season anymore because of streaming and and everything but it's when a network pays money for one episode to see if they want to invest in doing a series you know what a pilot season is but um I talked to my mom into moving out to California and when I mean taught I didn't talk her into it I think it was perfect timing for her and for me and we packed up our Prius and all of our stuff which wasn't a lot I come from a very simple upbringing and my mom was a travel nurse she cashed in her retirement for us to move out here and I always ask her now I'm like how did you how did you do that like that's kind of insane and she and I'm sure she has her personal reasons too but she was like I kind of just had this feeling it was gonna work out for you that also makes me cry and I also think it's really funny because if it hadn't worked out I'd be screwed because I didn't graduate high school I wouldn't know where I belonged like I think my lucky stars that it did work out because
um life would would look a lot different I'm sure um and then so we moved to LA planning to stay for three months at 15 and I never left and I've been here almost 20 years and now I guess it's a good segue into what I meant by a way out and I guess what I mean by that is I never felt I knew that life there was not I didn't feel like home I never knew where I fit in um I felt I love my family so much but I always felt like the black sheep of the family I just felt different even as a little kid and um and it's no wonder that I got into acting because that was I was always in my imagination like my coping mechanism was like Dreamland in my head and like fantasizing about what my future would look like well if you believe in the power of manifestation my future looked like this like little lucy kind of created this this whole life for myself and I just knew I wanted something different you know you use the word coping mechanism yes I'm really I'm really compelled by that okay because I sat with Maisie Williams um that was another reason why I really wanted to do this because I thought that episode in particular was so powerful really moving um yeah that yeah I I've got chills then just thinking about it because and as you were speaking there was a lot of like through lines and similarities as to what you were saying like Maisie really kind of lost her identity in because she was a very young actress and she became but also she was in her own words using acting as a way to escape which is almost what I heard from from you there yes I didn't realize it I realized now that my job completely was and has been at times a huge Band-Aid for a lot of issues in my life because I have like very addictive Tendencies and a very addictive personality and work like a lot of people can be such an amazing distraction and we get away with it because you're productive you make money
people like you it's not like a negative addictive behavior but it's so easy to not heal or not focus on what's going on when you're constantly busy and that's why after an experience like Pretty Little Liars why everything kind of just like you know because for we did that show for we did 170 something episodes I was like eight years of my life in between 20 and 28 years old I I don't feel like I emotionally developed in I don't know what normal is but I feel like I missed out on some normal experiences and so it wasn't until that period of my life afterwards where I realized how I was contributing to my own suffering and I didn't even realize the magnitude of it until I was outside of something like that show in hindsight when you look back on your younger years you talked about your parents separating how what impact did that have on you in hindsight any of you you know I often think about this because I think it was 100 the best decision for everyone and I um you know you hear about so many people staying together for the kids oh my [ __ ] no if my I'm so glad that my parents separated because it was the best thing for everyone and why um it wasn't a happy marriage I don't think you know and I I wanna respect both of my parents and not speak up really on that but but I do think that it may have been a little toxic at times and you know I was four my sister was six and it uh it allowed for a little more peace and calmness and and both of my parents are now remarried to wonderful people and and it all worked out but I think um I was raised by a single mom for a lot of my childhood she was remarried for a little bit but my my dad is now back in my life and he's given me so many lessons I mean I think that anything that's traumatic or painful like I sort of just use that as ammunition to move forward I'm like what is this trying to teach me what has this given me because we can look at any
experience and say and play victim and you can I think it's okay to be the victim when you're younger like your teenager your 20s you it's kind of okay to do that and part of life but I think at some point you have to take ownership of your life that's why I feel like so many people are miserable because it's you're in victim mode I don't ever want to be a victim of my life or my circumstances ever I want to be the happiest I can be and learn the most I can possibly learn about myself and sometimes that means you have to go to a dark place sometimes to like get to that point whoo um [Music] thank you I'm a crybaby yeah that's fine I don't even remember thanks these remind me of like McDonald's napkins which makes me happy I love McDonald's um expensive building they said we've run up I love it I love it um I don't even know what I was saying but sometimes you have to go to a dark place what was I saying before sometimes I go in a trance and I just talk and only remember what I was talking about um oh just talking about my parents divorce yeah I think it's so easy to look at these experiences and feel sorry for yourself but life is so much more interesting and freeing and liberating when you look at something when you look at things that have happened to you when you're a child and say what beautiful lesson did I get out of that and if we're just taking my parents divorce as an example the biggest lesson I learned from that is what kind of love do I want in my life what am I going to stand for or not stand for and and something I always stand by in my life is like I'm not settling I'm not settling and that can mean that just means people got to meet me where I'm at I've worked too hard to feel how I feel today for a jobs experiences people relationships lovers friends whatever it is like gotta meet me here and it doesn't mean
you can't compromise with people that's different but I just allow a certain kind of thing in my life and um yeah your grandmother got a tattoo on your left wrist oh wow yes I I didn't I saw you pulling out your left wrist so I just went with it yeah I love you yes so what role did she play so she her name was Karen and she was my dad's mom and my grandmother rest in peace you amazing Soul she was the coolest badass woman I've ever met she taught me about things that maybe I shouldn't have learned at such a young age she would put on Oprah when Oprah would be talking about really heavy topics she put on the movie Grease when I was a kid and that was a movie where I'm like I want to do that um and I I don't know where you land within the medium psychic space but I've talked to I do um I practice Reiki with um this woman named Katie who always senses my grandmother's energy and and every kind of experience like that my grandmother's energy has showed up so I truly believe that she is here with me but she was just smart and she thought differently than anyone in my family and as an adult I can look back and think I'm so much like her like I just I miss her she died really young she died of emphysema and it's shocking I never picked up smoking because I I told you I'm like an extremist but I've never been a smoker because of her and um yeah she died in her mid-60s she was so funny like she she had breathing tubes on and she smoked until the day she died still but that just like showed you who she was she just was a Powerhouse and so funny um and I miss her I miss her all the time I and it and it's kind of sad because I don't have that many pictures of her because it was before I had a cell phone and she died when I was 15 so I maybe had just gotten one of those Sidekicks or Nokia phones and I just
don't have that much tangible memories of her you named after they right yeah yeah Karen Lucille and uh so she definitely lives on in me in that way and um yeah that's nice to chat about her thank you for bringing her up I was really inspired by um the love your mother must have had it for you but also really the belief she must have had in you to move to LA with you when you were 15 I'm assuming purely so you could pursue a career in Hollywood at 15 years old yeah it's totally bizarre and when I tell people that I just have to set the tone my mom was not a stage mom at all and by that I mean she wasn't it was never forced upon me I she just always encouraged me to follow this dream which is so incredible because you hear of so many people where it's the opposite where the parents are forcing a dream you don't really want onto you and she just instilled a lot of willpower my mom is such a hard worker I do believe I have my I get my drive and work ethic from her and she's so selfless like she would give her last penny to anyone and just loves with her entire heart um and my my mom and I have definitely had our uh rough moments in over the course of our lives but we're in such a beautiful place now where we really can show up exactly how we are without getting um triggered or defensive because we're really similar in the way we approach our emotions I guess and so we've kind of have butted heads at times but she's always been my just biggest fan and um I have no idea how because because I often think if I had a daughter who wanted to do what I want to do would I do that I don't know how do you know it's kind of insane isn't it thanks Mom for being insane I love you for it like thank God uh but it was a risk for sure and she came and worked as a nurse yeah so she the only way we could afford to live out here because as you know cost of living is insane um she was a travel nurse which is kind
of an agency for nurses that live across the world and they could place her at a hospital and they would pay for our rent and she would make a little extra money but I mean we were kind of Barely getting by barely getting by and yeah I feel like there's always kind of financial worry there but we we always she always made it work we always figured it out and by 216 you start working in TV shows and stuff out here in L.A yeah so the first so this is a really cool story to tell you because I just got back from Vancouver but the first show I ever did the first series was called Bionic Woman it was a remake of a show a really popular show from the 70s 80s on NBC and I got cast as the little sister and we lived in Vancouver um in this building right by the Sea line and then I now 19 years later just was working up there again and I look out the window of the building I was living in it's the exact same building my mom lived in and I'm like that is just the universe full circle it was the coolest full circle moment of being 16 there with my mom on my first job to everything that's transpired to me being 33 working there now it was just like this really incredible moment but but yeah I uh started kind of working supporting myself since 17 and then I think my mom saw that I somewhat had a good head on my shoulders by 18 and then she moved back to Tennessee that period between you being 16 and 19 when you living out in L.A predominantly um before you know you get cast for Pretty Little Liars how do you feel about that chapter of your life when you reflect on that that chapter that 16 to 19 year old chapter what do you think so interesting because I actually haven't seeing this building in Vancouver was the first time I had thought about that time in my life in 10 years I actually haven't sat and thought about I know I also feel like so much of my memories are kind of blurry from that time I it's so weird like I can't even answer
that question I think I think I was very grateful to be in LA and pursuing this dream but that was kind of the beginning of it all of of what was to come um like I wish I could go back and tell my 16 year old self like buckle up girl we're gonna get through this but we're gonna go through some [ __ ] you know um I and I've been open about this before like I struggled with the eating disorder uh most of my teen years up until like mid-20s and it it was around that time that it had kind of that was like turned up to a 10 and I and it I mean it's all in direct correlation with moving to a new city throwing myself into the world of acting like I think my life kind of fell out of control in a way and my emotions fell out of control and body stuff food stuff is all needing needing to control and um uh so yeah I mean I guess I look back on that time and I have compassion now like I don't want to say I feel sorry for myself but I do believe in like I mean I was a teenager but all the inner child work where you just kind of see that image of you young you and really hold space for that and really speak kindly to yourself um but honestly I don't really remember a lot more and I don't know if that's weird but it I I also feel that similarly about my childhood I have certain memories but I don't know maybe I was disassociating a lot I told you I lived in my head a ton so I don't know it seems like so much has happened since then Eating Disorders yeah how do I how do I understand that as someone that's never experienced um eating disorder how do I how do I understand that is there a moment where you've realized that there's a there's a problem or you you notice Behavior patterns that you think are um unhealthy to say the least I think from anything that disrupts your life or your happiness or your relationships or your career like that can be described as a problem and I think for me it was
all I thought about from the moment I woke up until I went to bed at night how much did I eat how much did I work out I would step on a scale 30 times a day I was eating so little that it was shocking um and it wasn't really ever about that's a lie it was about the way I looked at one point because I thought if I could just be this number or this goal weight then I'll be enough because it all rooted back to I don't feel enough I don't feel like enough why um and that's still a question I'm figuring out because it it um self-worth and knowing I'm enough like where did the thought of I'm not enough come from did I hear it when I was a kid I don't know did I hear something that resonated is you're not enough maybe um do you know who that is he he came on my podcast he's maybe maybe the leading therapist psychologist in the world on like childhood trauma and and much of the Crux of what he talks about is where we learn this idea that we're not enough as kids one of the things he said to me which is still sat with me is he said to me he goes children are narcissists he goes when the parents arguing the child thinks it's about them yeah and when he said that to me I go oh my God it explains so much sponges yeah so but we interpret that situation like that home life situation or whatever as like this is about me yeah and and so now I can look back and say maybe as a kid I thought my parents got divorced because of Me Maybe I you know there's a million different scenarios so I'm certain I learned it at a young age and and as kids none of us come out unscathed right like we all take on some sort of pain and Trauma from somewhere or someone but mine manifested as an eating disorder initially which then led to other issues but it but it all started because I always try to think when when did it begin when did this Obsession begin and I want to say it was maybe around like 13 or 14 when I had um no no like 1415 was starting homeschooling and I had to start logging my exercise hours and why it was for PE and you had to say I'm do I did PE today for x amount of time
and that's the only thing I can think of that started this obsession with movement and then I saw my body kind of change and then I started restricting eating and then it became like I said just it slowly just grew and grew to something that it I could not enjoy life I could not have a conversation I could not focus on anything it's a it's a miracle that I even started working and could focus on acting because it was when I mean it was a constant loop I don't know how I got out of it and I I mean the thing with eating disorders is it can always creep back up on you and there are days when I don't feel like my best self but I love myself enough now to nourish my body and it's so sad to think that I hated myself so much that I couldn't even give it basic needs like food are you kidding me like that is so tragic and so many people don't understand the space of an eating disorder because there's a spectrum and I can only speak from my point of view which I mean I don't I really don't know any woman that has a normal relationship to their body or to food you know because society makes it really freaking hard to like the way you look social media is can be a really beautiful place and you're doing such an amazing thing with the work you do and like changing lives but like the social social media can be poison I have to really limit what who I look at what I look at and I'm a grown adult and it feels silly but you have to like curate your life keep your mind and soul and spirit feeling good um I always feel a little uncomfortable talking about an eating disorder because I'm I'm sensitive and I know that it can be triggering and hard for people to talk about food and bodies and people don't understand how someone who objectively as thin could think they were overweight but and I can't explain it but that's just what I saw and what I felt and it and now I can look back and see photos and think oh my God I was so I I wasn't seeing reality you just create this narrative in your
head that's scary and dark and and It ultimately wasn't about the way I looked it was about so much more which is which is self-worth incredibly low self-worth and and I really owe it to like getting out of that I dated a guy for a long time who was Italian I mean it sounds so silly it's like how did you get help it wasn't through therapy I didn't start doing therapy until my early 20s for a different reason but people always ask how did you survive those horrible years of your eating disorder it was my Italian boyfriend who loved and appreciated food and he would make us go to dinner and I learned to enjoy food again and it was like each year that went by I started to feel better and better and then I booked Pretty Little Liars and it got a little dodgy again and scary but I learned other coping mechanisms that worked for a while until they didn't um but but now my relationship I never thought I could call myself a foodie because today like I love food that's how I experience a new city or a culture like I just appreciate it and I know that we need food to survive and and I like I like and love and respect my body too if I'm tired I rest if I want to work out I work out I I can just sort of navigate feeling uncomfortable so much better these days well you haven't given given a diagnosis for that disorder was there ever medical intervention yeah I did my mom um shortly before she moved to Tennessee you know she recognized it was a problem and she helped in the best way she knew how but I'm sure as a parent she felt helpless and felt like it was her fault maybe I went to a therapist only a handful of times where that was the first time I had heard your anorexic and that word just sounds so daunting and scary but I mean I I've never been in denial though like I've always had I always knew it wasn't normal behavior like I knew that my hair shouldn't be falling out and then I knew that I shouldn't be able to see every bone in
my body but you get like addicted to this feeling of controlling your own body and um so I kind of knew it was a problem but I didn't know what anorexia meant until this therapist had told me that that was probably like age 17. um yeah I haven't thought about all that in a long time too because I'm so on the other side of it and it's nice it's so nice to not have that hamster wheel in your head about that all the time being in um being in LA being in the entertainment industry is a I imagine a tricky place to be when you're contending with issues of you know eating disorders and because because of the influence of you know advertising and movies especially back then um social media Etc I yeah I just can't yeah I can't having never experienced an eating disorder before but then thinking about being in this environment yeah well what was interesting is that it started before I even moved to LA the eating disorder was for when I was like 13 before I'd even thought about you know before I had found success so so I'm certain the things I've dealt with in my life I would have dealt with anyway it just might be on the opposite end of the spectrum because I think that the reasonings behind all of these things are those are old feelings that's old stuff that has been ruminating for a while but yeah I mean this industry is at a different point now where so many people are accepted different types of people different bodies everything and it's such a beautiful place I think the industry is heading especially for a woman but when I was starting out it wasn't really that way and then I like book a show that's called Pretty Little Liars what it's so I'm like okay well we gotta be pretty we gotta be little
okay well we got this and and you're also 20 years old where everyone wants to look a certain way like that age you all want to look the same and you wanna you know it just all flared up again and it was all I thought about again you know because I I thought I had overcome it and then but then it became a thing of control it wasn't and then It ultimately it wasn't about wanting to be pretty or little it was about this is scary my life has completely shifted overnight millions of people are seeing my face Instagram had just started you know it was just sort of beginning my first post ever on Instagram was me and of season one of Pretty Little Liars um and it was like my life was now under a magnifying glass I felt out of control uh oh I guess we gotta control the way I look again and then I'll be enough and then people will like me how do my Mo for so much of my life was how can I get people to like me even though I hated myself and like real confidence is not I read my whole Instagram now is just like silly affirmations but it helped but I read something the other day that's true confidence is not I hope they like me it's some I'm paraphrasing but not I hope they like me it's I'm okay and know who I am even if they don't and yeah exactly what it is and that confidence is what I've been searching for my whole life and to know that and to show up anywhere I go with anyone with new people and say I'm accepted because I accept myself I have value because I value myself you can put me in any situation anything I truly mean this and I have the confidence that I'll get through it sober and happy and it's been one hell of a journey and I like truly am not going to cry again I wouldn't have changed anything I literally would not have changed any dark moment situation because the perspective and empathy I've gained from that I would not have otherwise so you said I hated myself I know it's such a strong word and it makes me sad that I
felt that way maybe he hates a strong word I do this sometimes too I'll say something then I'll backtrack and try to like paint it prettier but things are ugly sometimes right yeah I maybe it's more that I didn't feel worthy of the things I had in my life I didn't feel deserving because a lot of my life post success I did not feel worthy of the success or the career or the people in my life it was like this limiting belief that you're a fraud If people really knew who you were they wouldn't like you like you're worthless you don't deserve this and even though I wasn't actually saying those things like subconsciously that's what was happening I think because I would keep making the same mistakes and be like why is this happening it's because I had this belief that I didn't deserve any of it when you live with that sort of lack of self-worth it manifests itself in a variety of ways one of them you talked about already which is trying to gain control over something because then if I can control this maybe I'll gone are a bit of sort of self self-worth from from the scales or the mirror whatever it might be what are the other ways that that manifested itself in your life that like lack of self-worth I've heard you talk about people pleasing yeah but you you said something curious a second ago you said um that would the eating disorder was the start of it um and then you said you were going to go on to say something else but yeah yeah I mean it all kind of ties in together I think the people pleasing is such a big thing I've been working through in my life because what people pleasing does is you're doing things that aren't authentic you're doing things you don't want to do what does that do well it builds anger and resentment well then if you repress that anger resentment then what happens well it's going to come out some way and for me my like for such a small human I have so much rage in that I've have now sorted through but for so much I just like bottled up that rage
and for me I the coping mechanisms I discovered worked for me were like incredibly self-destructive and self-sabotaging and I am I'm not sure when this podcast comes out and I had I've never talked publicly until yesterday about being sober I have a little over a year of sobriety which you know the people in my life my friends my family who are just the greatest people in the world and have stood by my side for you know I've been working on getting sober since I was 20. I'm 33. it takes time it took time and it took patience with myself um I mean this is a topic I could talk about until the end of time but basically what alcohol did for me we did a couple of things it was like it was like this feeling of oh my God this is what I've been searching for my whole life I'm my truest self right like I'm so much funnier and cooler and people like me that's all [ __ ] guess what not true I was not myself not my truest self but it orig it started with wow I can be free and funny and boys will like me this is when I'm younger right and I just like held on to that belief that real Lucy came out when she was drinking guess what real Lucy did come out but it was that rage and pain that I had been holding on to for so long but it also quieted my mind um I feel like and I'm not the only person on the planet that deals with this but like my brain just goes doesn't shut off it's exhausting but when I drink because I I was like textbook binge Drinker like blackout wouldn't remember what I did what I said which is scary and and it's also hard to explain that type of drinking to someone because people who haven't experienced it or dealt with it personally like you addiction is such a a topic that Soso taboo because it's because people would just tell me Well Lucy don't drink oh thank you oh
okay thank you so much I'll try that thanks but now it is that now it's like okay I just don't pick up the first drink and I'm fine because what would happen for me is I'd pick up the first drink I'd like the feeling I'd have another drink I'd really like the feeling and then it was past drink too don't remember I wouldn't remember the rest of the night um through what period of your life was this sorry since you were young I've had an issue I from my very first experience drinking which was like age 14. hmm up until a year ago I have had a problem I've never had a a period of my life where I was a normal moderate Drinker it was always let's go let's let's just I was willing to just go to this crazy dark place every time and you know of course I tried trying to be a moderate Drinker just having to my I have an allergy to alcohol I cannot drink I view it as an allergy to alcohol my brain doesn't work the same way as someone who can just have a glass of wine it always wants more it's like craving that that feeling my best friend has just actually finished a documentary on this subject matter he was my best friend but also my business partner for many years and the the point where he realized he had a problem we kind of had a bit of a face to face because he had done so much damage and there was one particular instance where he did so much damage to himself our company our team members that we we met on a Sunday and we we basically it was that kind of ultimatum moment which is you're gonna have to leave yeah you know and yeah you can do a lot of damage right when you're when you have that relationship with alcohol and you have an addiction to alcohol and it brings out that side of you did you ever have moments like that where people close to you said many times and I but it's one of those things I I remember the point in my life where I'm like I woke up a morning after drinking and it was when I wanted to keep drinking I was like oh my reaction to alcohol is different than my friends like this is
different and I've known I had a problem this whole time I was there was never a moment where I thought it was normal there have been moments where I didn't want to change because I'm like I'm not giving this up are you kidding me like who would I be if I can't have fun and let loose and drink but I had many times my manager of 19 years who is an angel truly an Earth Angel I believe has saved my life at times like this woman has been there for me she's had hard conversations with me I've had friends who've tough loved me but I've had friends who say we can't until you do x y and z I've always been shown love and support but the thing about addiction or just life in general like you gotta want something for yourself like I had so many things happen where you would have thought I would change I've had I tried to change for boyfriends I tried to change for my mom I tried to change for my career I tried to change for vain Reasons I'm like well I'll look younger and be skinnier I'll stop drinking for that none of that [ __ ] works I had to and wanted to get sober January 2nd 2022 because I said I deserve more I deserve more out of this life I have to try it a different way and I have to be willing to just commit to it you know because binge drinking I would be sober for three months then relapse be sober for a week relapse and I never the really crazy thing is I never let it get in the way of my job because my career has always been so important but when I'd go home at night it would just be like so dark and I'd be so in my head about it but I it would be so dark I was thinking then because my business partner described it as he there was a pain he was trying to escape which we just never realized he had a pain in his in his life in his mind I would find him downstairs through him in the morning in the laundry room with the lights off drinking I thought just he just loves alcohol right that's what people think or like oh you like to party yeah exactly but but I came to learn that there was a pain he was escaping that he
hadn't addressed yes is that the same in your situation where there was an unaddressed pain or issue that you think you were using alcohol as a Escape mechanism for yes definitely I mean alcohol isn't the problem the problem is this feeling inside of me alcohol was the solution you know for a while it was my solution I'm like oh I don't have to think about being good enough or or whatever the problem was like it worked for a really long time until it just left me feeling depressed anxious lonely just worthless but there is a big misconception about people who struggle in this way is that oh they're weak they just can't not do it or they like to party or they just like booze it's so much more than that and um yeah for me it was definitely old stuff old feelings pain I I do think that like I said I would have struggled with this no matter what I did for a living but I think finding success at an early age and the people pleasing and and and trying to be what people wanted me to be made me feel like a fraud right because like now I can show up exactly who I am and share my story and to actually be able to talk about this is so freeing because it doesn't it's not like I'm it's chaining me down anymore like it it takes the power away from it like I can be Lucy which is not always cute at times you know like it's dark and disgusting and scary and that's what makes us all complex amazing beautiful human beings is we've all got this Shadow Self and were you happy in that chapter that's 16 to 19 chapter was I'm like um I'm getting a big paycheck I'm happy I'm no like that's not real happiness you know you I had told myself the lies of you're happy or I felt guilty for not being happy because how could I not be happy I have x y and nobody wants to hear about someone in my position being unhappy right like let's just be real nobody wants to really hear about that but at the end of the day I've had to allow and I believed that too I ran with that Lucy you don't deserve to be unhappy how dare you feel these things but now I
know I'm a human being and Everything's Relative and I it's okay for me to have these very human experiences and I found the people in my life that I can talk to about it and um was I happy I had moments of being very happy um but not like this not like this um wherever I'm at in life right now it feels peaceful which I used to call boredom I have moments where I'm bored I'm like ooh what kind of fire can I start today but then I I ran that back in you know I never really usually pick the chocolate flavored heels my favorite are the banana flavor I love The Salted Caramel flavor but recently I think I in part blame Jack in my team who's obsessed with the chocolate flavor heals I've started drinking the chocolate flavor heels for the first time and I absolutely love them my life means that I sometimes disregard my diet and it's funny that's part of the reason why I've had a lot of guests on this podcast recently that talk about diet and health and those kinds of things because I am trying to make an active effort to be more healthy to lose a little bit of weight as well but to be more healthy and the role that he all plays in my life is it means that in those moments where sometimes I might reach for you know junk Foods having an option that is nutritionally complete that is high in fiber that is incredibly high in protein that has all the vitamins and minerals that my body needs within Arm's Reach that I can consume on the go is where he always been a game changer for me quick word from one of our sponsors I've got a tip for all of you that will make your virtual meeting experiences I think 10 times better as some of you may know by now Blue Jeans by Verizon offers seamless high quality video conferencing but the reason why I use blue jeans versus other video conferencing tools is because of immersion their tools make you feel more connected to the employees or customers you're trying to engage with and now they're launching one of their biggest feature enhancements to impact virtual events so far called Blue Jean Studio I actually used it the other day I did a virtual event using the
studio which I think about 700 of you came to TV level production quality all done by one person with very little technical experience on a laptop so if you've got an event coming up and you're thinking about doing it virtually check out blue jean studio now let me know what you think because I genuinely believe I know this is an advert and I'm supposed to say this but I genuinely believe it's the best tool I've seen for doing really immersive simple but high quality production virtual events Pretty Little Liars yeah 20 years old yeah you were doing another show right called privileged yes privileged yeah and they canceled that show and that led to you being cast for pretty little lies yeah which is pretty amazing because the universe is yeah yeah rejection can lead to redirection that is there's a really cool story there so I did this show called privileged they canceled it I was devastated and the same producers said hey we have this script it's based off of a book we think you'd be great for it and they said it's called Pretty Little Liars and I'm like ah I was such a huge fan of those books I read the script and it was the first time I had ever been offered something and so we get this offer but at the same time so at this point it's just a pilot and no one knew what the success of it would be but at the same time I got that offer I got the offer for something else which was like a really I don't remember what it was called but it was a really shitty TV movie that I don't even think did it get made yes it did get made and I at one point was thinking I want to take this movie because there was a really cute guy attached to it you can see where that's where my head was at was let's choose a part because of a cute guy and then it was almost overnight where I just woke up the next morning and said you know what no because I would have had to choose between the two that I think I should choose to show well thank God thank God but but it is such a great example of how one door closes another one opens nothing is by coincidence in
this life I firmly believe that I think that everything happens exactly how it should and like having an open mind and seeing the lesson and everything [Music] um makes for a happier life too but yeah it's crazy to think about that time and now I mean pretty little lies became in your own words the biggest show in the world at one point yes I mean I think I mean if it's one two or three I mean it's still the outcome is still the same that your life irrevocably changes from that moment onwards um for better and For Worse one might guess I think if you tell me why on both ends of that yeah okay I mean I it was a dream job like I could I I now had the success I had wanted and the notoriety I felt valued and appreciated and uh um on a super in a superficial way for bits and moments there were times when I thought my ACT there were times when I didn't feel like I was being utilized in the right way I'm like I have so much more to offer please let me you know there are other characters in the show that I wanted I wanted to be doing the things they were doing but there were times when I I felt like I could really show off my talents I guess um I mean it it was the launching pad for my whole career and and it's taken a while outside of that show to get people to see me in a different light and I knew that when you're a part of something that's that big people are seeing you every week like people still call me Arya on the street you know I knew that it was going to be strategic moves for years to get people to see me in a different way and I feel like I'm at this point now where people are giving me those opportunities but I've worked really hard for that I have taken a bunch of different types of roles and different types of characters post that to get to like show to show myself but also to show everyone like I'm not a one-trick pony and I want to be doing this and if I'm uh lucky enough to get
to do I hope I can do this the rest of my life but um it it helps me hone my craft I the fact that that show went for that long is almost unheard of like that just doesn't happen anymore and I always laughed because there was a couple people on the show where it was their first job ever or their first audition ever and the show went for that long I'm like this is not normal by the way but it but it also posts that show because I've had some I don't want to view anything as a failure but I've had things that were maybe viewed as failures post that and it kind of which I'm also grateful for because it it gave me perspective of you know life is full of ups and downs and it will always be that way no matter where I'm at in my career like people aren't always going to like me or like my work every job I do is not going to be the one that changes my life um and I've also realized like that's not where my happiness comes from anymore my happiness is not going to come from I love what I do and I find so much joy in it and I love creating and I love acting in a really new cool way the last couple of years but it's always going to be a roller coaster when we have those successes in life when when the dream we have is realized we I think before that we have an assumption that it'll fix a bunch of stuff right so that's we aim for it we strive for it we get there and then in some way it fails it makes you feel worse yeah yeah so what didn't it fixed everything everything it fixed literally nothing if anything like there were more problems it like expedited the all of it right because my life was under a microscope and um I mean it definitely cranked up those dials to 10 when it came to my body dysmorphia myself my self-worth was at an all-time low um I just didn't have the tools to how does anyone navigate that experience I don't know how you navigate that in a healthy way
um and I look back now and I'm like okay I guess I handled it in the best way I knew how like I don't look back and shame myself over it all it's kind of just like I was a kid and I was struggling but I was struggling publicly but no one knew about it so that was almost harder because I was like dealing with all these big things but I never wanted to talk about it because I was so ashamed and now I'm now I'm not ashamed of it which is why I can talk about it but did you talk about it to anybody behind the scenes what you were struggling with no it was pretty it was pretty private because I didn't want to be different I wanted to blend in and if I talked about having issues that made me a Target I think people maybe knew of struggling was there a Darkest Day a Darkest Day or a patch where you know I'm like where do where do we begin uh interesting um I had many many what I thought were my emotional Rock bottoms dozens and so that was why it was so hard is because I'm like Oh I thought we went to the depths of hell like how do we possibly how could it be worse and and from the outside that was was crazy no one would have known so it was like I was everything externally didn't match what was happening internally so then I just felt like a fraud I was like this isn't adding up and it's not real and it's not right I want things to match up in look the same I just felt like totally undeserving of everything that was happening a Darkest Day yeah I mean I had many but I'd always pull myself out of it like if I have one thing I'm resilient like I don't really give myself a lot of that's not true I do positive affirmations for myself all day these days but but I know that my resilience is what's slingshotted me the other way did you ever think about quitting acting but during that period of between 16 and 28 when you left oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I seriously well not maybe not seriously because I didn't know what else I was good at I didn't think I was interesting I didn't think I was smart I
didn't like all of these things I actually was like what would I do um and so I I at times had the thought could I do something else could I go home after this um but I never packed my bags or made a call to someone and told them but but but there were times in my 20s where I was just thinking is this what I want to do but but then it became about it wasn't because I disliked acting I loved it and I and I always knew I was good at it but it was just how do I manage my emotions and do what I love I was like I don't know how to do that now I know how to I mean I still have bad days but I know how to handle it better it's hard it's hard I I don't know it's it's a constant you know starting a new job I really have to make sure I have my plan in place for what helps me feel safe do you have a plunder if you would have been overall happier for the last 33 years had you not been an actress I think about that all the time what do you think the answer is no you think you would have been happier no I I mean maybe I would have had longer periods of happiness but I do believe that where I'm at now what I've gone through to get the happiness I have now like this is where I'm supposed to be and this is how I'm supposed to feel and I don't think I would have gotten through that without the job I have or the things I've been through I know it sounds grateful to say I'm happy that I struggled with addiction or whatever it is but I am I I just think that in order for me to feel whole and survive is to be creative and I I actually crave creating and and and acting and I and I was there have been moments in my life where I was scared that oh my God I'm gonna have to keep doing this and not know if I love it and it was I did this show and the moment where it all like happened for me was the show I did called Katie Keane short-lived another short-lived CW Series I did I've had three shows on CW that only went one season it's kind of a running joke no anyway whatever
Katie Keane New York it was the show that made me fall in love with acting because I I don't I and I don't even know what happened I mean it was a great show great people so much fun living in New York but maybe I stepped into my confidence more I don't know I just feel grateful that I can say oh God I like what I do because that would be a bummer to like do all these things and then say and I could and that's the reality like today I could say you know what I don't want to act anymore and I know that that's an option and is and I know that I'm lucky to know that I have options like I have perspective on that too but I also feel lucky that I do want to wake up and say I want to go I want to go act today I want to go work with these people and collaborate um did you have a life throughout that that pretty little liar was there a life outside of the show was there no relationships and oh yeah socializing and tons of failed relationships no I uh yeah I had a social life uh it was a lot of work we were doing that nine months out of the year for eight years but but yeah I I dated and and it traveled and failed relationships yeah oh yeah yeah I uh why did they fail I think well some of them we were just young and they're not supposed to work out but I do think I you know and I'm very careful to not talk poorly about people ever [Music] um and I do also realize my part of the equation I'm not I've never point the fingers and say this person like I fully realize why some of those crash and burned because it was you know hurt people hurt people that's like a classic thing uh I just think I was maybe attracting people that were a perfect storm for my new self-wife low self-worth chaos like I was attracting uh either people that had similar issues as me and so it felt comfortable or it felt like oh I can focus on this issue or your issue and try and fix
them and try and fix them because it gave me a one-up or you know have you I'm sure you've read about like love addiction like love avoidant love addiction oh yeah like attachment Stars yeah and I always thought I was a love addict because I just wanted people to like me I wanted this guy to like me and everything would be fine but the truth is I actually think I have fallen more under love avoidant because when people get too close oop they're gonna see me They're Gonna Know Who I Really Am they're gonna leave so I'm gonna blow this thing up before they leave me but I can tend to fall into love addiction Behavior if they like out avoid me does that make sense so if someone is more avoided than I am anyway so yes failed relationships but but we the first model of love we learn is our our parents no I totally get it I I grew up thinking love wasn't safe or safe thing or I thought it was prison yeah or if love is this I don't want that are you kidding me so I never really had a model of what a relationship should be and and I maybe because my parents got divorced and I spent more time with my mom that I was drawing in more people who were similar to my dad you know there's that element where are you now with my with my dad with you with my relationship yeah with on that journey of like understanding love and how to form an attachment with someone in a healthy way yeah with the right person I think the only if I you know I'm single now but the in order for me to want to be in a relationship it goes back to like meeting me where I'm at and what by that I mean like I oh I think that the type of relationship I'm seeking out is with another person who is whole and doesn't need me and doesn't need this relationship to give them an identity um and I think that that is where people thrive is when people have really gone Inward and know their strengths and weaknesses and know what they have to offer and are willing to grow and heal and evolve and and I've never had that like I've never had a relationship that felt
safe or like I could really show up as myself um I do think that you know being sober is really important to me and like that's my number one priority because I know that when I do that everything else is fine so I'd love to find someone who has an understanding of that element of my life too I mean I'm so open to it and ready but I also am not desperate for it like I'm not needing because I like many people used men and relationships to fill a void like it's easy to get addicted to people too and that's actually the easiest it's like oh I have a really cool new boyfriend like I can focus on this for a year and not focus on what I should be focusing on um and now I just yeah I just feel open and whatever is coming my way I'm ready for it I really believe that um life after Pretty Little Liars yeah you referenced this earlier I I can't imagine the situation where something is everything it's nine months a year working when you're not working you're doing interviews about the thing everyone stops you everywhere you go to talk about it it's it's all consuming and then it ends yeah it was weird it was weird and bizarre and scary because that level of notoriety and fame success whatever you want to call it that is not really sustainable and will I ever reach that again in my career maybe who knows I don't know but if I don't it's okay but because it was here for so long for most of my 20s and then when the show stopped and things did shift like I wasn't getting certain calls like I wasn't being invited to certain things people move on quickly right like people just love content like they will move on to a new show and and it was so scary to be like where where do I forget fit in do will people remember me and it's like chasing this high of whatever that experience was and then I came to realize like that's so exhausting like I feel like I'm okay now if I were to just do jobs under the radar for the rest of my life you know I like I said I mentioned earlier like having a couple of failed experiences post Pretty Little Liars like really
gave me kind of grounded me in in a cool way I feel like I needed that um was it you described it as a dark time that the post PLL pretty little lies yeah um phase of your life yeah and that's because you've got like I guess maybe you've got a I'm assuming here but you've got to re-find out who you are again outside of the show it was that it was like am I going to work again you know I think we not we are I've had some conversations with people in this a similar position where I wanted to work but you didn't because people only want to see you as that one thing and I I'm also grateful for that period because then that was when I got to discover who I am outside of that who am I outside of my job who are you who I can say that I I've always wanted to lead authentically and to show up however I am at any given moment whatever that looks like and I have not been able to do that until recently I feel like I am confident in what I have to offer I'm comfortable with who I am I'm a good friend I'm loyal I'm honest to a fault if you're in my circle have your back no matter the situation I talk about the hard [ __ ] I lead with my heart I Believe In Justice more than anything even if it's like I see someone cutting someone in line like that's not right I'm passionate as hell and I do believe my intentions with people are good and at the end of the day I can sleep at night really well because I like who I am and it's just as simple as that I like my choices but as you say that's been a journey right yeah yeah you used the word earlier use the word compassion to describe you know you talk about that like in a child work that you've done yeah um how do you feel about that person that you that went through that Journey what would you say to that person if they were sat on a chair they were on a third chair on this table yeah what would you try and I uh I've actually done that exercise where you write a letter to
your younger self and um I feel I feel so badly now that I shunned her and like didn't I'm gonna talk about myself as a her and me this is me younger me is her I didn't give her a chance to speak up like whereas now I'm like what was hurting you so bad that you needed to do that like I kind of give her the stage to talk about her feelings and I really truly believe that I was handling it in the best way I knew how at the time now I would handle it differently because I have the tools I have this like spiritual emotional tool belt that if I'm feeling sad or whatever I'm like okay we'll do this but I didn't know I didn't know any better and I was doing the best I could and I am proud of that of my younger self because we went through a lot like more things than I could ever possibly say in a podcast and so many people don't even know about that part of me but it was hard and dark and maybe I shouldn't have even gotten out of it and I did and that's so cool and I feel Brave and courageous and and I know that I went through those things to talk about it why else do you go through [ __ ] like you're you're supposed to share your experiences because it will reach someone and um I just compassion is the perfect word for my younger self when we I'm talking in hindsight we often create the impression that and I do this a lot that everything is great now and that's just like not the nature of life right life continues to be a roller coaster um what are the things now that you're still you still work on oh boy I'm so emotionally impulsive and responsive like because I'm so I guess the word is passionate but I I really sometimes it's hard for me to see all sides of the coin and like see someone else's perspective I and I work on that a lot I I don't have all the patients in the world but I I struggle with what people think of me a lot I struggle with
what am I doing why are you here what are you talking about like those that that inner critic is loud sometimes um it's it's really what have you done in terms of you know you struggle with what people think about you sometimes you've got like shitloads of followers you know you've got a lot of people that are giving their opinion on you at all times [Music] what have you done in terms of practical steps to protect yourself um well I've read somewhere that you went you did like a rehab like a digital rehab at some point in your life I mean I do my own version of digital detoxing which is simply it's not the first thing I look at in the morning I don't grab from my phone and I turn my phone on do not disturb at like seven and I don't look at it until the morning unless it's to text Kate over there um but I were you addicted to your phone I'm still addicted it's nuts I'm like yeah I can go without getting Wi-Fi on this two hour flight cut to me putting in my credit card info it's so and it's this need it's not to to know what people are thinking of me but I am addicted to being available all the time and that and I feel we're all guilty of that like just being glued to this phone and texting back immediately or I don't feel the pressure to like socially like on social media I don't feel that pressure to need to always be present anymore um a lot of times in my career I have felt like it's expected in that can feel a little draining Because unless something feels authentic I don't want to do it like I don't want to have to do it I feel like I'm at this point now in my career where I don't need to so I kind of just do what I want which is nice and freeing um but I do think it's important to disconnect and that looks different for everyone um 30s I'm in my 30s as well congratulations thank you yeah it's nice isn't it it's nice it's really nice yeah 20s is always well for me it was a bit of a mess uh so trying to figure yourself out and you know dealing with
all these emotions and trying to whatever but um in this next chapter of your life what are you manifesting for Lucy I mean here's something I've been working on recently because I am truly a believer in creating the life you want I believe our thoughts are powerful our thoughts create everything but I think where I've gotten stuck or in trouble or where a lot of people might be stuck is that we you know we manifest a person a job whatever but then we hold on to tightly of to the expectation of what that is um so it's like now I'm at this point where I want to manifest specific things but be okay if it doesn't work out exactly how I think and kind of looking at it as being kind of neutral with life it's just like living freely like going with the flow I don't typically go with the flow I'm not a go with the flow kind of gal um but I you know my priorities are a little different now like I do want a family I think recently I'm I decided I do want kids I have two lovely dogs my goal now I want to farm with goats and chickens and so many dogs and I just want to keep you know I can say so many things about my career and if I'm lucky enough to work and create and do all the roles I want to do like that's freaking amazing but mainly I love discovering more about myself and why I am the way I am and why people are the way they are like I think this whole journey of self-discovery and self-healing is one that's constant there is no end goal and I'm just going to keep it's a marathon not a Sprint so I just want to keep on this really beautiful path then I'm on you proud of yourself yeah yeah and it's not for the reasons you might think I mean if I'm proud of my work ethic and and the things I've accomplished but I'm proud that I've faced what I thought were my worst fears about myself I am proud of how I show up every day I'm proud of how we treat people I'm proud of having
this conversation with you I just knew I was like okay well I'm not gonna have any expectations about what this is going to be I'm just going to follow his lead and you present such a safe space and I'm grateful that you allowed me to be myself I'm going to ask you a really interesting question I don't think I've ever not gonna cry again what is wrong with me okay go ahead okay why does that make you emotional because I don't really I I feel like I I think it's because I am proud of myself I think it's because I don't always have these conversations or I haven't always shown up how I want to show up I cry because this is just who I am today I'm a weepy emotional version of myself and you spend a lot of time acting right yeah literally yeah it's so I've come to learn so much from doing this this um this show about the negative effect of prolonged periods of living outside of yourself and what I mean by that is like the authenticity like the the damage that does to one of escaping yourself for whatever reason whether it's for success or work or whether it's trying to escape some trauma or some some other thing that's living deep with inside of you but either way the attempt to escape yourself through creating an identity or alcohol or whatever it always seems to just be such an unsustainable it's not painful process that causes more harm and even more reason to escape yourself paradoxically exactly um and that's really transparent in your story because if for many reasons obviously but but also because of your you know that's the job the job is to be you know uh someone else yeah yeah quite literally yeah but you know also no wonder I got into my line of work because oh I don't have to figure out who I am I can do all these things and be all these people people want me to be that's why I got away with it so long and then I was like oh The Jig Is up we gotta discover who I am it's gonna be hard and scary but
yeah we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest asks a question for the next guest do you speak to yourself the way you speak to those that you love that's a really beautiful question um I'd say about half of the time now I do I really feel like I show up for my friends and I'm a words of affirmation gal like I always let people know I'm grateful for them and I'm just like a lover you know like I want people in my life to know I love them and I but I can also have like a venomous tongue sometimes like I'm not to yourself to others some it's like I can emotionally respond to people in an unkind way but I always hold myself accountable so to answer that question I can be very kind and at times unkind to the people I love the most and it's similar to myself the the cruel inner critic self-critic I I I only do to myself and you know I'm still finding ways to quiet that voice but I have made it a habit to say nice things about myself and and it feels silly sometimes and a little like not egotistical but like saying kind affirmations to yourself feels really bizarre at the beginning because we almost think it's unhumble or does that make sense like uh but I yeah I take time out of my day to be say cool things to myself kind things to myself as well but um but I'm still working on the voice that's not so nice speaking of kind things um also never asked anybody this question before but um seems quite relevant in your story because I was just reflecting on that story you told about your mother appending her life to come to LA with her her teenage daughter to pursue her her dreams when you when you look back on the journey you've you've had so far what who if there were like you know a couple of people that you you wanted to say thank you to even though thank you would never really be enough to explain the Gratitude you have for them who are those individuals you can
include yourself if that's relevant at all um I mean definitely my mom but I tell her this all the time thank you uh my manager who I also tell all the time thank you she my I would not be where I am personally or professionally without her and she's gone well beyond being a manager she has been the most humankind patient gracious selfless woman to me when she didn't have to be um it's hard for me to choose this because I'm such a I tell people all the time because that's how I receive love is like I want to hear it so I always make it a point to tell people I've I've been so lucky along the way of having people that have been very good to me but um there's one woman in particular who is still a friend but her name is Joanna Garcia she's an actress and she was number one on the call she lead of the show privileged I did on the CW and I remember how she so num so for people that don't know number one on the call sheet is kind of It kind of goes in from biggest role like lead to there are no small parts but you know what I'm saying she was the lead of the show and she treated everyone with such kindness and Grace and and I remember and she was so good to me and I was like I want to be like that that's the kind of number one on a show I want to be not even more than that that's the kind of person I want to be she knew everyone's name and and she had such an impact on me and I don't know if I've ever actually told her that that she is still someone I think about it's almost like what would Joanna do I could still I could wear the what would Jesus do bracelet what would I want to do uh and it's people like that I've been really fortunate with the people I've worked with in my life that have inspired me so thanks Joanna leaping back to the start of this conversation
um it was really startling to me that you hadn't had many conversations like this before it like really baffled me it's actually the thing I was saying before you arrived because I go on YouTube I go on whatever and I'm so superficial I'm so tired of talking about my beauty routine I could just die like I can't do it anymore but it was it was so like I was literally over there watching a video where it was like when's the first time you had a cup of coffee do you remember the one and I mean also I just yeah I mean no I don't because they all kind of blend I mean it was like a buzzfeed thing where they're asking you these questions I just found it so surprising that you'd never really never really got to know who who Lucy was and I think and I'm grateful no one's asked a lot of these questions before because I don't think I was ready I don't think I knew how to answer them so I uh I feel similarly like I feel like there's so much more to me that people might realize or that I have to talk about um but I do believe in the timing of life and I just maybe I wasn't quite ready to answer those big questions Lucy thank you so much you're amazing thank you so much for this thank you [Music] you got to the end of this podcast whenever someone gets to the end of this podcast I feel like I owe them a greater debt of gratitude because that means you listen to the whole thing and hopefully that suggests that you enjoyed it if you are at the end and you enjoyed this podcast could you do me a little bit of a favor and hit that subscribe button that's one of the clearest indicators we have that this episode was a good episode and we look at that on all of the episodes to see which episodes generated the most subscribers thank you so much and I'll see you again next time