Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDmtMYMrVSs
you dirty [ __ ] that's my new song you dirty [ __ ] dirty [ __ ] I need I need a a little a little more Rhythm to pull it off did J Rogan Experience Podcast today Tuesday September 4th 2012 grisela Blanco is dead that's me is that me that's me they they got that Griselda Blanco lady who's that she's a Cocaine Cowboys uh lady I still Haven not seen that we should talk about this we'll talk about this later um I got to do a commercial Jan Experience Podcast it's brought to you by on it.com that's o nnit t what is on it on it a supplement company we make Alpha Brain and bunch of [ __ ] that I talk about on the podcast all the time uh the one thing I can tell you is everything that uh we sell at on it.com is all stuff that I've used I believe in I endorse I I wouldn't get behind anything that wasn't legit and the fascinating thing to me about Alpha Brain is that it's uh you know like all the all the information for neut Tropics if like you're interested in the the subject of neut Tropics which is like it's all nutrients that have been shown to have a positive effect on human neurochemistry the idea is that you your your brain produces more more juice you have more ability to string together sentences you have more neurotransmitters I you know I just reading that [ __ ] goes away with time your endorphin uh recepticles and all that stuff it starts to die away everything does we're going down Greg some juice we're going down but we don't know we're going what I what I found is that I benefit greatly from I I take a lot of vitamins and uh I take a lot of really what I believe are very effective supplements and I eat a lot of really good food you got to be healthy cuz if you don't this [ __ ] will fail in you it will fall apart you'll crash into the rocks like you got to keep it together [ __ ] and that is what on it is all about the company is basically set up everything we sell is stuff that'll improve you the strength and fitness equipment kettle bells and battle ropes there's like the best way you you could ever work out if you want a developed functional strength that directly translates into any athletic Endeavor kettle bells and battle ropes are fantastic battle ropes
are these giant [ __ ] ropes and you flail them through the air and you do it for like Sprints of 30 seconds and oh it's brutal so those and kettle bells they will last you for to the End of Time the battle ropes you can't get them any cheaper than you can get it at on it.com and the kettle bells there like as cheap as you can humanly sell them we're sending cannonballs through the mail it's not that easy it's ridiculous it's I mean that's where we're sending I mean some of them are 90 lbs you're sending a 90 lb [ __ ] Cannonball through the mail that [ __ ] is expensive as [ __ ] and just like Alpha Brain if you want to take the ropes and make them yourself go get bun ropes it's really expensive you'd be amazed those really big heavy big thick heavy ropes those are expensive as [ __ ] they don't sell [ __ ] at Target you got to go to uh you can get them though you can go to nautical stores I just don't think they usually sell them in in in tank sizes It's probably hard to get but you can definitely get it I mean we got it it's just a it's just a big heavy rope you know if you can make your own make your own if you got some extra giant rope laying around you could probably do it with chains too if you want to go [ __ ] crazy Rampage Jackson or like 17,000 tennis shoes yeah I mean the idea is like that you're using your whole body in like a whipping effect and the the wind like the uh the amount of uh wind it takes to work out like and do like these 30 second Sprints 20 seconds off and then 30 second Sprints that's like uh this protocol of different exercises you do with the battle UPS they're [ __ ] brutal man it's like nothing it gets you tired like nothing you ever do outside of like wrestling a man not that you doing man wrestling I Wrestled a ropean once ropean that was a [ __ ] workout it's alive uh the point I wrestled my father off me off a water bed when I was two just kiding just kidding you're the only grown man that I know that still uses just kidding I know it's the dumbest [ __ ] ever what's the what's the thesaurus version of that that yeah like what's the adult version of that like you don't have to say anything I know you're just kidding I know
you know what the original one was Nano Nano yeah me and my friends used say that instead of like just kidding or not really yeah I think it was from we were like you know 10 nine oh I never heard that that's way better n black people used to say it in my town they' be like nan no all right that's my new thing on it.com nnit go get yourself some [ __ ] kettle bell Sun hemp protein powder we got all kinds of groovy [ __ ] and it's all the supplements have a 30-day or 30 pill rather 100% money back guarantee if you don't feel like it enhances you and helps you then you just say this stuff sucks and get your money back it's that simple you don't have to return the product use the code name Rogan and you will save yourself 10% off you dirty [ __ ] all right Brian cue the music let's make it official Craig Fitz Simmons is here Jo podcast check it out The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day [Music] and then that happens this is what happens every podcast you have these [ __ ] awesome conversations you get rolling and then we play that music and all of a sudden we got to start from scratch again and we forget what we were just talking about that we were like saving for the podcast what were we talking about that's we have a very inefficient way of starting this show and we've never analyzed it until this moment I've always thought the best like talk show like tonight's show thing would be as soon as the guests walk in the stage door backstage they should just be getting filmed and then play pieces of that yeah you know cuz who gives a [ __ ] once they sit down and they Tee It Up it's like I can tell you the end of George Clooney story yeah his mom made cookies and then uh she got a hit on who gives a [ __ ] gives a [ __ ] about your little prepackaged dry ass story that you've done talk you know many talk shows now you see guys promoting a film there's this website that tells you all the late night shows guests for the next two weeks and you'll see like Paul Rudd go [ __ ] Daily Show Tonight Show Letterman Conan you know and then start working your way down till you're on like uh Jimmy uh what's the guy who does uh The Late Late NBC show Jimmy Fallon no no no it's like he does music who's
on MTV not Jimmy um Jimmy car daily Carson Carson Daly is still on television for 10 years I like his taste I find a lot of weird creepy bands and movies from that guy just because he's he's kind of like Cutting Edge hipster like he there's a reason why like he was on MTV R same generation now he's older so he he does give some cool Taste Of Music once in a while you watch uh when I catch it I always I'm interested cuz he does pick little random cards out of the blue that maybe you haven't heard of like music wise at least or movie wise I don't know I don't think he's bad I'd take him over Leno any day no I never said he was bad but those things are [ __ ] hard man those things are really hard to do it's really hard to do a talk show like that and be even remotely interesting it's so segmented it's like you never really get a chance to get rolling you're just trying to like interject and say witty things in this really brief story it's like you barely get to know someone like under the the the idea of this this breaking it up and for these long ass commercials and you know you talk in between the break and then when we come back you know and then it's just it's it's so fake and hokey you remove yourself and the good guests just say you know what I'm going to do he's going to introduce me and I'm going to tell a great [ __ ] story then we're going to go to commercial but if you try to fake that you're hanging out talking that's that's torture espe when you're using an Alienware computer right Joe yes it's hard to do man it's it's hard to do that that job that's a really difficult job this is way easier it's way easier to do a podcast like there's a yeah yeah because a podcast you just start talking you know a show like that like you have to you have to operate within like this really narrow frame of time like what if there's like a really intense subject something that is uh really controversial to you and the person that you're talking about it with like sometimes it might require a long time to delicately work through some weird subject like if a guy comes on and he's talking about his wife just had an abortion or something that could do it yeah it could yeah I mean those lines yeah well you know it's like there's there's certain things that when you're
you're talking about it you need some time you don't want to have to go go to Breaking five you know like come on really okay because the host has to fill every second they get uncomfortable when the thing's not going well so they they jump in like some dysfunctional enabler yeah the commercial ruins the conversation it ruins it it [ __ ] kills it it's the death of it and the idea that you have to do a commercial at a certain time like OPI Anthony have commercials but they just talk until they're done and then they go all right you guys want to take a break let's take a break play some commercials we'll be right back and it's completely organic it's like you're watching separate shows you're like you're watching one hour and a half show where they didn't go to Commercial and then another hour show where they didn't go to Commercial and then they'll go to commercial well and also you don't get the sense with Opie and Anthony or um podcast that we're talking the way two human beings talk there's a rhythm and there's a pace and there's not there's not high IQ moments every 3 seconds like when you watch a monologue in an interview you had 20 writers mapping every word so to me it's off-putting and I think it is to a lot of Americans sitcoms are the same way human beings don't have conversations the way they do want sitcom so that's why people started wanting reality TV they were like this [ __ ] is makes me feel uncomfortable because it's not real right yeah it's it's clumsy it's like the way the president talks to the to the people that's the same sort of thing it's the same sort of animal it's like seeing Jean Simmons on his show that's just annoys the [ __ ] out of me because the fake stuff not only fake it's just really dumb fake like he glued dildos to his hand you know like really like this I have to believe that you glued a dildo to your hand it's so unfortunate but I guess he's just trying to keep doing it you know Bobby Lee right sure apparently uh and this apparently he's talked about this I'm not I'm not outing him about this when he goes on the road he F how many times have people had to say that statement in reference to a Bobby Lee Story which by the way I love Bobby Lee Love Bobby Le I really do truly but you know what why because he's v he's a
broken toy and he knows it we all know it so you don't have to so that's why I'm telling sweetheart of a guy he is but he goes on the road he buys three bottles of Elmer's glue and at night he pours it on his hands and then peels it off are you serious that's so cool oh my God and I heard that and I was like I want to [ __ ] do that dude oh my God you know those markers the Crayola markers you can bite off the end and then pull take out the uh ink out of it you put that into glue overnight and it will turn whatever color marker so you put on your hand you can make it like green hul cans so it looks like you're peeling off nice tip for Halloween yeah you should what are you 12 [ __ ] is wrong with you the [ __ ] is wrong with you man you're like a stoned Mar reaction show he's got a hole in his brain folks he took too much ecstasy he's like that commercial where they show the hole do a 3D of his head God can we just talk about how ecstasy is just so amazing that is so a in his it's such a TR leaking it really breaks apart your life in front of you like really accurately like it's really nice it's if you if you talk about I don't want to tell don't do Ecstasy but in my opinion uh like if like mushrooms never they kind of help me when I'm like yeah that's cool if walls look like butterflies and stuff where ecstasy actually kind of like like almost like you just start talking about [ __ ] that's bugging you and like like I I I was really angry the other day and I just kept on like why am I so angry everything I'm saying is anger and it it like it really showed me immediately like what was wrong with me at that point it's like a psychiatrist and appe pill it was weird H have you done it much you've done once or something I did it once yeah it's don't do it but it's amazing I did a long time ago but it wasn't good then got a lot better yeah I had a I had a positive experience like I learned something from it but I also realized that the physical toll yeah is uh pretty substantial your body takes a big hit well I fled a lot of 5htp and a lot of counter [ __ ] ecstasy fix my brain J and stuff so I I do it right like I've never the next day felt like shitty like a lot of people wake up the next day feel depressed and it you know
I've never felt that well that was originally how on it was uh conceived right roll on and roll off what those those are like some of the first products yeah and the idea being to help reboost your your neurotransmitters after you go on a binge oh yeah after yeah I love that instead of us working towards people you know becoming sober we work towards fixes just like hangover juice just adopt don't change yeah we just say it's too fun yeah it's too fun to not indulge I like to exp with my head man it's crazy a liver cleanse or something what's that can you turn these down turn you down yeah what's going on here I feel like I'm at an ACDC concert except it's you guys talking better yeah that's great thank you thank you oh he's on a different Channel or something we all have our separate volume Channel that's crazy man that sounds so deep we all have our own separate volume who' you have on last they probably turned it up I don't remember whoever it was probably had come in your ear whoa how dare you how dare you silly boy yeah that ecstasy is not good for you boy yeah eventually it's going to rot your head out I I literally do it once every like four months something like that I don't do it like every week or something crazy but even once every four months you that's hitting it kind of hard well they say that it does [ __ ] with your receptors that you can't get happy it's like same thing with opiates if you if you take them too much you you clog up The receptors and the only thing that gets through is the drug that's why it's so hard to get off of those [ __ ] pills if I get in is brutal to get off o I could easily stop never do Ecstasy again I've had several friends several people that I knew and grew up with who became pill pill people yeah I've seen it happen I've seen people lose everything see them lose their [ __ ] for pills yeah that shit's creepy it's weird it's weird thing you know yeah he went from taking the pills cuz it's basically heroin it's the same makeup and then he couldn't he didn't have pills one time but a club and some happy little helpful d man said well why don't you just snort some heroin I got some heroin and boom over wow Jesus Christ I took a I had shoulder surgery a couple summers ago and they gave me fing
it way too easily you know my my surgeon gave it to me then my uh general practitioner gave it to me and uh I had a supply going and I took that [ __ ] for 6 months I was taking not a ton maybe three four a day wow but it started to feel like when I didn't have one I was not feeling good and then when I stopped it was some [ __ ] those toughest two days of my life yeah I've heard that the withdrawal is like some people they just can't take it it's like a torture and they just quit and they go back on the pills and say you know I'm I just can't do it yeah it's terrifying how easy it is to get them it's terrifying how like quick people are to take painkillers I'm I I like drinking more than any of this you know like I think that's just something that I could relax have a few drinks feel good but I I don't never got into having like cocaine and it seems like that's just like once you you do it once the next day you wake up and you feel like [ __ ] I don't want to do that again you know yeah yeah I don't get addiction of pills well I think that opiate thing is a totally different monkey I think once it grabs you it just grabs you by the balls and just entwines itself with your system when you get that monkey on your back that's a completely different experience I think the opiate one seems to be more of a intense physical experience yeah it is and I'll tell you what I got a friend who's been doing it for five six seven years a very successful screenwriter cannot write without it when he take cuz writing is uh it's scary and if you lose all your fear and you write with abandon that's when you do good writing so he started taking them because it got him out of his writer's block but now you start taking it just to get normal that's when you're in trouble and you're not even getting high you're just trying to crawl back they're terrifying and it's you know the what what people and people will call me a hypocrite because I smoke so much weed hypocrite hypocrite but I can stop and take a week off and I feel no physical effects like I did recently I went to Hawaii I didn't get high for a week I didn't it didn't bother me even a little bit it's like there's no withdrawal effects there's nothing I don't think people understand that I mean some people think that there's some sort of a psychological
withdrawal effect that some people go through and then there's people that just their body just completely behaves differently than the normal person's body and they have much more of a proclivity towards addiction you there's some people apparently that like any sort of a change in a state of consciousness can study the brain they they can look at chemicals in the brain and see an addictive brain and the way it behaves it's very different it's fascinating and so there are I would never say I mean look some people die from eating peanuts you know I would never say that you know my my experience in in taking anything is the same as yours so for some people pop might just be this impossible ride into the depths of hell I mean I don't know I mean and then immediately they're hooked on it not to me but to someone with some really funky weird genetics someone that can die from Cranberries or some [ __ ] you know what I mean like one of those weird people no I mean Addiction in my family everybody I mean my D my dad died a 51 basically drinking smoking and uh you know three and a half packs a day and uh I'm sorry so I hate hearing that [ __ ] and aunts and uncles everybody's got addiction so I quit drinking 21 years ago I was 25 years old when I quit Dr dude I remember I remember Greg pre and post yeah yeah and it was like uh for me it was like I know I got to so the addiction shifts you go from one thing to the next and for me it was uh drinking went to working went to sex and I really believe that I don't know what a sex addict is we all want to [ __ ] all a time you know it's what's what's the what's the line you cross between healthy libido and sex addict I dated one you did yeah and it was very unhealthy like she did not leave the bed all day and just wanted to [ __ ] or masturbate all day well some some people are just trying to erase whatever is [ __ ] with their head whether it's some they're running horrible vision from their past you know terrified memories molestation whatever the [ __ ] it is some people are just trying to just rub that out yeah they're just you know they're just trying to masturbate to heighten their experience so they don't have to think about that for a moment yeah you know there's there's a lot of people out there that
were [ __ ] with when they were kids I mean it's a it's a terrifying number it really is I kind of get weary too when I see somebody who works way too hard and never lets up on themselves I always think you're [ __ ] hiding from something you know they're not no balance no real relationships just yeah people can definitely get crazy they can well it's it's it's hard because you get so focused on success and then you're dealing with a bunch of other ruthless [ __ ] who are focused on success so you have to like up your game you know I mean that's that's like the the whole Drive of modern man and people get way doucher that way it's like you're responding to competing against each other and you all douche it out yeah worse and worse dou [ __ ] there's a documentary called happy you can get it on Netflix and it's a it's like a u you know a very academic quantifiable look at happiness and how it transcends cultures they started out showing this guy India who pulls a [ __ ] Rick Shaw and he lives in a tent with his family and the guys you know it sounds [ __ ] corny the dude's happy you know they followed him and they interviewed them and they say that 50% of your happiness is just your wiring you here's your [ __ ] DNA here's the juices in your body here's how people like they showed a woman who'd been run over by a truck she was a beauty queen and her face is [ __ ] mangled it's hard to look at her and she returned to her happiness level within a couple years same thing with somebody who's depressed they can hit Lotto within a year they've settled back at their Baseline so that's half then 20% is [ __ ] like status career money and then 30% is [ __ ] like what you do flow getting into exercise getting into martial arts getting into if you're a writer getting lost in something that's the other 30% so you you have to strive to control that 30% by not letting the 20% get any bigger and giving yourself the room to you know have that balance and it seems like exercise like the number one thing yeah that's a huge part you got to keep your body alive got to keep it moving you got to keep stressing it got to keep making it keep regenerating you keep sending you know impulses into it firing your hormonal system you got to you got to force yourself to work if you
don't force your body to work it wants to just give the [ __ ] up use it or lose it yeah but they say the same thing with I've saying before how they this I I um heard about this in the documentary about how your uh what are the chemicals that make you happy again endorphins yeah your endorphin receptors start to dry out they start to die and the more you use them the less they die so they say try different activities learn a new language try a new sport travel somewhere you haven't been that's do Ecstasy maybe maybe I could be part of it yeah I don't discount the idea of any like really big psychedelic experience for for helping you I've I've I've learned a lot about myself doing them you know and the regular one that I do of the isolation tank just that just getting high and getting that thing you know it's it's mindblowing enough you know I have I have some pretty intense Visionary experiences doing that do you remember them clearly some of them some of them I remember really clearly uh the the one I've talked about it before it's so [ __ ] but uh it did really did happen I was in the jungle and I was walking through the jungle and there was a bunch of people we were Barefoot and they were talking and I knew their language I understood what they were saying the language was not English it was a different language they were talking and I understood it in their language in my head and then I I freaked out and then I said what the [ __ ] am I and then when I freaked out I spelled it out to myself like in English like what the [ __ ] am I doing I am listening to a language and I understand it in that language but I said that in English and then I snapped out of it and woke up and it was the creepiest thing because just like when you have this conversation with me and I know exactly what you're saying cuz I speak English I knew exactly what they were saying but it was not English but I knew what the intent was I knew exactly what they were saying and I understood it in their own language it was freaky as [ __ ] cuz so real so you had two selves in a way there was the guy watching the guy speaking the language standing observing yes yes yes well that's what woke me up out of it I couldn't stay in it it was so crazy that I couldn't stay in it it just was like what I I wasn't capable of
holding the hallucination you ever think about that though because I think that that has a lot to do with maybe happiness or maybe sanity is that we all do have a couple voices you have the guy judging yourself and then you have your you know your animal impulses and uh you know Freud would say it's like your you know your your ego and your super ego right and and that basically you are observing yourself all the time and the guy that's observing you is the [ __ ] [ __ ] he's the one that's socializing you and getting you to do what's appropriate which you need to a certain degree but the balance within that I think it's the distance between the two voices right uh you know obviously if you completely became Transcendent maybe maybe the Daly Lama has one voice and how close can you get those voices H really close of it yeah well you know you there is the momentum life and then there's the every now and then your like objective assessment of the life that you're living on momentum like sometimes your just life is on momentum for like long slides and then you need like another perspective on yourself speed yeah you need to go what's going slow down what's going on here buddy yeah how are you really thinking how are you really living I think that those reset situations that you can get in life whether they're strong yoga class you know whether it's uh you know DUI that could do it too yeah it could be external [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] yeah well you could realize like holy [ __ ] I'm a [ __ ] loser I'm out there driving drunk yeah yeah for sure that could [ __ ] snap you over into a a realistic perspective on where you're at and the other voice then steps up yeah those those little epiphanies can happen and then all a sudden that that guy that was in the flow MH is like dude get in the back seat I got the wheel for a little while we're going to get it back on the road here you know and it's like uh you you know for me having a wife and kids uh and not drinking I don't have much Escape so I really do struggle with that like the guy that's telling me to do the right thing and I realize I drive a [ __ ] Prius I have college savings accounts for my kids I [ __ ] exercise like that's great stuff it's great stuff but there's a part of me that feels like
that animal inside right you know and I'm not going to [ __ ] around you know I'm not going to drink uh so I try to find other ways and part part of it is just being a clown when I'm out with my wife I [ __ ] around with everybody parking attendant waiter I just to me it's like being out with her and having fun is the [ __ ] greatest and making her embarrassed and that's she protests but she loves it and that's our relationship oh that's really funny that sounds like fun that sounds like fun yeah I I put a napkin on my head at a restaurant last week and she actually got mad at me cuz I wouldn't take it off it was like a really nice restaurant Christ hilarious God I want to see that that is such a Fitz Simmons sense of humor moment you just love just love being able to do that to her just do it and realize that you are so different from me that's what that's what you're saying cuz she grew up she grew up in New York City in a [ __ ] not a great neighborhood she sophisticated chick you know she's got her Masters and social work and and you know but she's not wild at all she's very dressed down but she accepts me because she's been she grew up around Insanity right right right so it's a perfect combination and she she Reigns me in peacefully she's not a nagging wife she's not a ball buster but she is almost that other voice that gently I just watch her and she peacefully brings me back into my kids you know sometimes you know sometimes you you go away and you come back and you see your kid and it's like you're not connected and you gotta you got to work your way back in and she's like my guide she brings me back into it that's awesome man yeah if you can find someone you gel with them and you enhance each other that's what relationships are all about the I mean that's what we all hope for but it's the crazy thing is how rare that is but it's work too I don't think it's not a perfect soulmate it's you know but I mean how many people do you know that are truly happy in their relationships what is the percentage you know how many people do you know that are struggling I would say how many people do you know that fight a lot probably half probably half the married couples I know really like have a like to the point where they say it out loud
it's it's a thing yeah I would say that you're yeah I would agree with you I think the people that I come in contact with is about half half of them seem like nice couple look at that they seem friendly seem like they enjoy each other's company and then half of them they just snipe at each other and you know and they do it right in front of you oh man that's so rude you know what I'm doing you know what I'm doing just stop it stop it now do you see what he does you see it right this is what I deal with oh oh those relationships are ruthless to watch man cuz that's out in public you got to imagine what it's like behind closed doors you know that's did you see that video of a a basketball player who was a uh first round draft pick did you see that Brian brutal the dude beat his girlfriend up and did it on camera oh yeah in front of his daughter like was it in front of his daughter wasn't there a little girl there you talking about like he reached over the fence no no no no no this was um in it was it looked like it was in like some sort of a hotel or or a apartment Lobby or something like that somewhere where they had a security camera wherever it was he's this big [ __ ] dude big super athlete basketball player and he like kicks her to the ground and smacks her in the head and you're watching this it's terrifying she's really little man she's not a big person and he's Giant and apparently he just beat her ass and they sentenced him to a bunch of different [ __ ] man they sentenced him to like all told I think he has to go to jail for like 3 years no and uh no [ __ ] yeah and he he just when he probably dropped a [ __ ] 20 million contract too well you should see the video too the video is crazy he collapses in the courtroom collapses and he was like oh no no no no no fell down collapsed I mean it was it was really [ __ ] intense it's terrifying I mean he realized that he was going to go to jail for three [ __ ] years you know what sucks about that is that ain't going to change the dude and that ain't going to change any other domestic abuser putting people in in jail it's like why isn't there more like you know especially in the Inner City where you see people with less father figures and you see more
violence to to really make it a part of schools that you learn how to respect women how to respect you know uh the opposite sex because it is something that is cyclical and it is cultural you see a higher instance of domestic abuse with poor people and you know that [ __ ] jail doesn't change that [ __ ] it just causes more anger yeah it it it's not like it's a great place place where they're going to you know sit around and do iasa and find their Spirit self realize where they went wrong on their path to Enlightenment surrounded by dudes yeah it's it's a mess the whole idea is a mess and then you get into the fact that there's private prisons in this country that that's the one of the most mindboggling facts about American culture it just makes you wonder like what what is what is the intention of the people running this [ __ ] place where they've allowed holiday in they don't want vacancies they get vacancies they're losing money got to [ __ ] get some reservation people out there that's what the cops are they're reservationist for the prisons yeah it's almost like that huh yeah it's funny that like the the police officers unions will actually uh Lobby and vote they like try to make sure that certain drugs aren't made legal and like they have uh no [ __ ] yeah sure that makes sense yeah police officer unions or not police officer unions but um uh what would they call them PBA what do they call the people that work the jails Corrections Officers Corrections Officers yeah that uh Corrections Officers uh you know they they they'll actually like use their money and influence to try to make sure the drugs stay illegal speaking of which number one domestic abusers in the country Corrections Officers really y Jesus Christ super high rate of alcoholism I read this book about of course it's a terrible job it's terrible for them man I mean I don't have anything against Corrections officers it's a terrible place to be to be just completely surrounded by people who are locked in a cage and you're not and you walk amongst them all the time and they can just take a [ __ ] free run at you at any moment you live your life in constant stress yeah yeah I don't I don't envy them by any stretch of the imagination I think that if you're going to really take being a a putting someone
in a jail and you and reform seriously you're going to have to come up with a way better method than what they're doing oh yeah this is ridiculous cuz this isn't reforming anybody no there was uh I read this book about sing sing this journalist went undercover as a prison guard for two years and he came out of it he divorced his wife he was an alcoholic and he was living in a [ __ ] one-bedroom Shack his whole life fell apart yeah and he said that the the alcoholism on the inside he said it's just and it becomes consuming it becomes a challenge that you take with you when you leave work it's not you go to your job you finish and then you go have your life it becomes these [ __ ] and I'm going to do this and it eats you up you become part of it yeah human beings are weird as [ __ ] trying to figure out how our Behavior lends us astray or leads us astray rather and how we can try to get it back on track if it's at all even possible like as a as a group of us it's like when you look at the the the just the massive amount of crazy human momentum type Behavior where we're just on a moment like here's a thing in New York where they had to recently pass something that makes rabbis have to get consent first before they suck your kid's dick suck yes do you know when you circumcise a child the rabbi traditionally will suck upon the boy's penis to stop the bleeding no yes yes is this just with Orthodox or is this all all Jewish I don't know what sect of Judaism I don't really care what they call themselves whatever silly people do this it's real it's they've they've had babies die in very recent times because the baby will get herpes from the mouth of the the whatever I think they called the mo Jesus yes that's a tradition there's a guy it's like there's this nutty [ __ ] video of this guy defending it and he explains it in in the the word the Hebrew word which like means to suck like that it's strictly says that that's how you're supposed to deal with that so that's what they're doing so and you're just discounting my my thought is that you're just discounting that this [ __ ] baby is not going to remember this experience you know how do we not know that that's some nightmare in the back of his mind like constantly [ __ ] with him dude
suck cutting the dick is where it starts cut the dick and then sucking it it's it's really satanic [ __ ] yeah it's it's Tribal it's [ __ ] and it all goes back to [ __ ] that's like you know that the American Medical Association no longer recommends circumcisions in third world countries they do to prevent AIDS and uh other uh never got that how is getting your dick cut going to prevent well it used to be because the the fold around the crown would get you're going to get AIDs that way really really seems so ridiculous I think it gets infected more because there's [ __ ] that gets in there like your dick don't get that's my point we got running water for people who can't even wash their oh so because we don't have running water they're getting AIDS through their their forkin yes which is true their forkin makes AIDS well anything that folds back around a gland like a vagina basically collects way more diseases than a penis you know like men don't catch AIDS almost ever from straight up sex with a woman who has AIDS but if you got a vagina you got a really good chance of getting AIDS if you have sex with somebody if you have any kind of tear in your vaginal wall or ceilings or floors or Shades or blinds your lips slats uh do you know that there's a doctor who doesn't believe that it's terrifying when someone when you're too stupid to know who's dumb you know because there's this guy who's a uh his name is Dr Peter duberg and I've read all his stuff and I know that he's a um a professor of biology I believe the University of California Berkeley it's like a legit guy and his whole idea is that HIV is not what causes AIDS oh yeah I heard about this guyy well president of South Africa said the same thing did he really yeah the biggest AIDS country in the by the way I meant HIV before when I was talking about transmitting disease not AIDS I am way too stupid to understand who's right and who's wrong you know because obviously there's a bunch of geneticists and a bunch of disease specialists who completely disagree with him and they think that HIV does cause AIDS I wish I was smart enough to know what the [ __ ] who's where it's ridiculous well it's all [ __ ] happening at a molecular level it's all it's all guesses it's but it's percentages and if you say that when we
see these symptoms of uh immune deficiencies happening in people that have lesions that are losing weight then we often find that before that they you know uh that the immune leads to the lesions and all the outbreak of AIDS so why not play those odds since we'll never know the actual truth if there even is one do you think that's what they're doing I mean what duberg is saying is that there it's linked to partying what he's saying is that it's uh dudes do like um math and go crazy poppers and am nitrates apparently those poppers are unbelievably bad for you like like instant brain damage you just and that doing that partying on a regular basis like that just wrecks your immune system well that I mean it's why third world countries get AIDS more is because when you're malnourished and your system is worn down you tear easier you have your tissues break open and your immune system can't fight back as much so it's you know it's it's about you know wealthy countries get it less because they're [ __ ] they're in better shape so you what you think is that HIV is something that can be avoided I think it it I think the likelihood of getting it is increased when your system is worn down and you're malnourished and uh you know you don't have enough fluids in you then you you tear and that's where the you you have more Cuts around you because your your skin everything is just not as elastic and strong and that's all coming from sex then it's just completely sexually transmitted yeah you put a penis in a vagina and you rub it back and forth and something tears and then the seen gets in there boom HIV remember when you were a kid and you thought everybody would be dead of AE by now I know we were convinced well we caught the wave we got [ __ ] we got scared remember you get do you ever remember what uh happened the first time you took an AIDS test yes did you panic yeah I [ __ ] panicked [ __ ] panicked cuz it's like a 24-hour wait yeah I [ __ ] panicked man yeah I [ __ ] panicked I I thought about some weird drunk nights on the road as a 20-year-old you know 21y old come on man I had I caught ganaria once I caught clamidia once Jesus so is it really green when you pee like yes it hurts it hurts worse than any and you're fighting your need to urinate full bladder but
every ounce that comes out you are ready to fall on the floor screaming wow yeah it's nice and then one shot in the ass did there's a syphilis outbreak in porn yeah really some dude got syphilis and then like didn't show his full Medicals didn't show took the shot he took a shot and he thought he was clean 10 days that's his story and apparently 11 days he didn't even he waited one day and then the next day he did a movie and gave people syphilis because it's Domino she then have sex with four other guys I mean he didn't even I mean he didn't even get another check he didn't even get another blood test to see if it's still in the system wow he didn't even he just said I got to work well because you don't have to my my friend is the head of the um the um veneral disease Department of the health service for California luy his whole thing is trying to get yeah I mean he knows as much about porn as I do because that's his whole thing is like you know when they started using condoms that was him and and he said that the testing once a month you get tested which means that ation period for HIV is like 20 days or whatever so you're never really catching it and that there's one agency that does the testing for all the porn movies and it's not even a a medical office it's not it's not a doctor a clinic yeah but they closed all these PL places down so that they're they're all forced to go to like one place now where it used to be really convenient that like you should be able to go to any doctor get a test get all the tests cuz it's all the blood sent to the same place as these labs but they're not letting them do that anymore so now they're all forced to go to this one sketchy place and and so there's all these creepy people that hang out there trying to [ __ ] with them and stuff like that and it's yeah and it's also they have to pay for it the actors pay for the test themselves what [ __ ] job that you go to that I mean first of all it's a law you have to get tested to work if it's a law why the [ __ ] are they paying for it yeah that is a business that didn't get a bailout that business crumbled yeah I mean there's guys still making money is like the very clever computer guys but you think about like the business of pornography and how many people watch pornography and then the
fact that all of a sudden no one was paying for it anymore like all of a sudden it all just went away and it's gotten bigger and porns everywhere yeah it's everywhere in stre not if Mitt Romney gets an offer the number one profiteer from pornography guess who it is Mitt Romney nope close it's another Mormon really who the Marriot family they own more hotel chains sell porn and that's the only place people are paying for anymore they're the number one profiter from pornography squeaky clean Mormons people do pay for it still allegedly I should say that so I don't get that they're squeaky clean no no that they're the number one oh yeah I think they may well if they're not number one they're they made a fuckload of money I would say Motel 6 would be number one no but I think they own it I think Marriott owns a lot of those pornographers those dirty pornographers that Mar isn't that crazy wonder if you found out they made like Millions a year from pornography there's businessmen on the road Weeping at the end of the bed yeah at least it's on the expense account I don't know if that's why they do it so much it's all on the expense account ah they don't question you for those $40 movies they don't mark them anymore they don't Mark anything they don't give you a title on the bill just movie course yeah they can't give you a title in the bill that they had to know a long time ago that was a must when you bought bought porn cuz I'm assuming you don't anymore what was your thing wh what section were you in shopping I didn't ever have a thing never really got like too specific it's uh you know the thing about porn Is this different you know you want to see different people yeah you know you you know even if one girl's really pretty you get bored I got I I started off girl girl only like I didn't want any GRS in the picture Brian's like let me just pretend that we're all on a slumber party and I'm would be your best BFF ever well it's just something I didn't see every day you know like I have had sex but like I never saw two girls together that [ __ ] was like aliens to me yeah it's it's strange uh but they look happy usually I just like to see a dream crushed in my
clip I need a dream crushed I need a casting couch or oh those are the best yeah those are hilarious or the the was it was it Bang Bus that used to pull pull over and people would just [ __ ] get in the car we got a porno store holy [ __ ] now my favorite now is [ __ ] machines I think that's just wasn't that kid the kid that was in some what was what movie was that the kid that had done a porn when he was young he did like a bang brothers uh Jonathan yes yeah from Project X yeah yeah yeah what was his story again uh he just he did a uh I think it was a bang bus how old was he I think he just turned 18 or something like that he's John Jon I can't even think of his written last name right now but he was in that movie Project ducks and he's like a big chubby nerdy kid with glasses really and uh he was in a movie where he [ __ ] I think it was his first time too uh like four girls in in a bus and he the funny part was though is that was it really four girls I think it was for him and the funny thing was is that he had like a huge hog so it's just like it was like so weird that like I actually knew him before like like we had him on I had him on a few podcasts like I didn't know about it and so knowing a guy and then finding out he's in porn and then seeing his he his hog well that happened with me with uh you know Simon Rex from MTV Simon Rex he was like one of the original VJs on MTV yeah doesn't he he has another name now yeah he has a band now Dirt Nasty yeah exactly and he's good he's [ __ ] good guy he been on my podcast his uh that that what what song the 80s is that what it is I can't remember the song about the 80s [ __ ] now I'm goingon to go crazy we'll drop it into the podcast later but um yeah but he did some kind of just masturbating but I think it was a big hit with the with the men the gentlemen came out like after he was famous [ __ ] now I'm going crazy trying to remember this [ __ ] song you so crazy shut the [ __ ] up what's wrong with you today you got to stop doing ecstasy so much breaking your brain man you're a holy brain what's the [ __ ] machine cheesy brain [ __ ] machine is a they're called [ __ ] machines.com I think think it is and it's actually robots that [ __ ] but they're like really high
powerered like like you know like so cra like dildos that shoot in and out of them at like 80 M hour and they can't control like they're tied down so like there's somebody sitting there going yeah I'm going to [ __ ] you hard and like a it's really crazy like Dana de did it and seems like you can break your [ __ ] yeah that's a good way to get your [ __ ] all broken some machine robot metal dick just [ __ ] stab you yeah yeah whoa what if what if it goes a little too hard I know what's wrong with the vibrator where you hold the other end is it that much of a chore why would you let an a machine [ __ ] you you got to be real careful about that kind of [ __ ] no [ __ ] and what's crazy is that that people on those webcam sites are now doing it because they have like these I guess you can easily buy them now for your home like like a portable one that's just like or they make them from like a hardware store but like there's this one girl that she's just just like getting a like the the dildo is like uh I don't know 12 in maybe like a huge dildo and she was G giving a [ __ ] to it and she put it on full blast you can just see it like her her throat get bigger like a snake eating a watermelon and it and it's it was like you're going to hurt yourself you're going to break something you're going to choke or you're going to crack your neck open so crazy and it's what what's weird is that what is like the the algorithm in your brain that wants like when you talk about different like I I used to love Asian chicks yeah got into their feet I was never like let me suck your feet and jerk oh but I appreciate a nice pair of feet especially on an Asian woman let's just put that out there so then then I move on to the casting couch and I start to wonder on a deeper level what is it about my personality or my brain waves that attracts me to a specific thing and then what is it that has so broken down the social order that people respond to machines [ __ ] it's like the flesh the softness the humanity has been Stripped Away and all that's left is the violent part of [ __ ] have you heard of this new um this Discovery at Harvard they've created a cyborg flesh of course at Harvard cuz nobody can get LA right yeah exactly I mean but along those lines like this is like literally step one to you you creating a
robot that's going to [ __ ] you a meat robot this is nuts man [ __ ] the flying jetpack this is pretty intense [ __ ] to create the cyborg flesh you start with a three-dimensional scaffold that encourages cells to grow around them these scaffolds are generally made of collagen which makes up the connective tissue and almost every animal the Harvard Engineers basically took normal collagen and wo nanowires and transistors into the Matrix to create a nano electric scaffold the neurons heart cells muscles and blood vessels were then grown as normal creating cyborg tear tissue with a built-in sensor network is this the plot of a porn movie or this is reality this is reality man this is crazy [ __ ] this is like cyborg flesh like they're figuring out a way to replace your skin with robot skin I'm going to see you in 20 years from now and you're going to be a 24y old handsome man as they're going to take your whole body and slowly replace your skin with some [ __ ] robot skin I'm going to have to get used to Young Greg it's going to be weird can't wait what about the hair talk to me about the hair get your [ __ ] even if I could grow my hair I would go back to shaving it it's the most freeing feeling just rub it through but it will stop you from getting a certain type of G people they're they're they've created an artificial skin no no no I'm saying this is step one to be a robot you know that is your sex slave well that's why you know it's all male scientists and the women they're like Israel trying to [ __ ] defunk Iran's nuclear program they're coming in at night exposing all the test tubes totally totally totally throwing [ __ ] paint in them and [ __ ] you're never going to get the fake [ __ ] never mind just [ __ ] lighting their laboratory on fire while they sleep yeah they finally think they've got when she comes out and they they design it like a garbage disposal the [ __ ] just [ __ ] devours that little dick that little Harvard dick you're so funny that was such a Boston thing to say that little Harvard dick you're standing you're getting your [ __ ] you're you're at your graduation with a gown on trying to hide the stump this is this this thing is really
complicated I don't think I even understood what I just said but what what it seems to me is that this is I mean that they're going to be they can create fles they've already figured out how to do that they can they figured out a way to create meat in like essentially like a test tube environment yeah they've had you know so it's just a matter of time before and the meat is replicated DNA is it is it really I don't understand it I'm too stupid to answer that question I I guess the big the big turn is getting it to actually reproduce itself DNA like it does in humans exactly but it seems to me that if they can replicate one aspect of it if they can figure out how to replicate meat it's just a matter of time it's like we went from the Model T Ford to the you know 2013 Corvette it's like this it gets better it gets better it gets better it gets better it's when they're doing this now this is what they're doing now this is going to expand into something else incredibly freaky this is going to be incredibly incredibly freaky this is cyborg tissue I mean this is a you can make a [ __ ] sylon okay you could make a cyborg like this is St step one when they look back in history when life is like battl Star Galactica [ __ ] for real and we really are fighting off these intelligent robots that we created this will be the day where people look at this and go wait what did what did they do what did they make what they started with this and then goes from this to what and by the time they tell you about this how far are they Along on this oh they'll be the ones telling you about it yeah clones clones will be telling you about cloning we well we figured out how to clone it's cuz guy is clone who's telling you about it yeah and and the amazing thing is that you you look at like I went to the Santa Monica uh prominade the other day and they come out of the fivestory parking garage with a line of cars at two different uh stations no human being like you're literally collecting between 5 and $10 every 15 seconds all day and night you can't pay 12 bucks an hour to some [ __ ] guy to have a job and that's what's happened is that they talk about unemployment is is D you know the unemployment rate is is high well it's not just High because the economy is not
doing good it's they're slicing jobs with machines everywhere just to stay at even with the job rate you would have to be creating X number of jobs every month and with these cyborgs what the [ __ ] who's who's going to have a job anymore yeah who's going to have any sort of a manual labor job I welcome the cyborg friends I think I'd rather enjoy paying a machine than talking that's not the idea I think it's faster too so it's it's more convenient it's faster you're so crazy because here's the problem they are going to be intelligent if they're going to be intelligent they're going to be able to be sentient which means they're going to have their own will they can do whatever they would like to do the first thing they're going to do is make a better one of them they're going to realize what we did wrong what was stupid about this this is shitty he thought about this like a person would let's redo this better and they'll do that almost instantaneously but that's the big question in all of this since the 1950s when they started talking about robots and stuff is can there be a sentient moment can there be that transition from something that's been programmed to something that can control itself you know what would be really horrifying if there never was a sentient moment but it acted as if there was one and it just ran around like this meat puppet program just [ __ ] gunning holes in people yeah cuz it didn't know what it was supposed to do yeah you could just throw them in a toilet pour some water on them you'll stop you know like it's like a cell phone he is electronics he might be to think twice I think they would probably have that covered that whole get wet part it'll double they already know how to do that with cell phones you know there's like some product they dip it no [ __ ] yeah they dip your cell phone in this product and you can like literally Drop in the Ocean pull it out dry it off and make like your existing cell phone you can bring it in they do this yeah yeah yeah you send them the cell phone they take it and soak it in some kind of crazy polymer that doesn't I don't know I the word polymer I shouldn't even be allowed to say it cuz I don't even know what the [ __ ] a polymer is whatever plastic [ __ ] how
about that some awesome super cool plastic [ __ ] water from getting through to the electronics somehow or another I don't understand it that's weird yeah but there's demonstrations of it online I can't remember the name of it but if you're so curious you will Google it you just you can your [ __ ] never wear a condom again yeah I don't think You' feel as much you be all waxy and [ __ ] like every time you're in the shower with your girl you got a bat she's like why is it so waxy just so weird it's like the water just beating up on it just like like the hood of a [ __ ] Chevy it's their birthday you let your dick on fire and stick in in the cake is that that is one of the the nicest qualities about those old American Muscle Cars was those big long giant hoods when you wax the car and then it rained and the water beat it up on that thing and you just kind of swipe the water off yeah those [ __ ] cars man those were works of art I got to show you this mustang I saw today I was over in Burbank and uh what powerful Burbank so not bur wherever CBS Radford is that's Burbank isn't it parking garage no Studio City Studio City and uh there was this Brian don't be a hater don't be starting gang violence check this out side some kind of special it said like California press the button Edition what is it California edition of what what are you showing me uh it was a it was a looked like a 68 Mustang but it had these uh maybe you'll recognize it I've never seen one it's hilarious to me how a guy like you doesn't have some [ __ ] crazy car like this it's time you you already convinced me you have to I'm up for a head riter job on it what's that I said this is an old looks like a 67 maybe know but it's got scoops on the side by the doors the lines of those cars were just so beautiful and it was a 350 like special edition it set on the side but no I I'm up for a head riter job that's why I was just over there and if I get it I'm pulling the trigger because I'll be commuting to [ __ ] CBS Radford from Venice what are you gonna get I think I'm gonna get the Challenger dude goodbye it's a lot of gas yeah it eats a lot of gas but you feel like a [ __ ] man when you get in there gas the rumble
of the engine I rented a Mustang in Ohio [ __ ] my wife in the back not like yeah you rented a Mustang and didn't like it 2012 convertible Mustang it was no [ __ ] wait that's the one you were just telling me about I have one I love it yeah but your's a different style I think well I have the it's a different it's a different experience it's the GT500 it's 550 horsepower it's aluminum block engine it's the the 4D GT engine put into this wobbly ass convertible body oh it's beautiful it's so much fun it's the the the most American dick hard car I've ever driven I wouldn't want to Black I wouldn't want to drive it every day but when I drive it it's fun as [ __ ] yeah it's just I don't even think about playing anything except 70s rock in that car cuz it just got this Rumble the it's like Leonard scanner all the way I got on a big Leonard skinnard kick when I bought this car cuz I'm like this is the kind of music you need to be listening to Simple Man is perhaps the most moving rock song of all time my father telling his son how to be a man it's [ __ ] great song [ __ ] the battle uh the ballot of Curtis low yeah yeah they had they had some classic [ __ ] so [ __ ] underrated but there's something about dudes that guys can for whatever stupid reason like really viscerally connect with the sound of an engine of a car and you know that kind of like you know 1970s 19 late 1960s classic rock it's like they they ball together into one really like guy Centric experience and I don't know what the [ __ ] it is it's really weird like I've tried to assess my love for the rumble of an engine before like why it's so [ __ ] with me like I get like a shriek like a little child when I hear a good engine whale like just [ __ ] love it it just sounds awesome but it's stupid it's so stupid like wouldn't it be better if it was completely silent like that's what I don't like about the Prius that's totally silent but wouldn't that be awesome you know for one thing in this [ __ ] stupid life to not just make a shitload of noise everywhere it goes wouldn't that be awesome well you know what give me a PRI that has a fake sound when I push the accelerator it just plays on the inside of the car well do you know they they have a BMW that does
that it uh the BMW M5 has the sound of the engine transmitted through the speakers it's really kind of a Cheesy move that's and it's an automatic well you it's double clutch it's it's an automatic but the best way to drive it is to use the paddles you know like when they take it on a track it's a it's an amazing car I mean it's there's nothing bad about the car it's just the the decision to like make the sound come through the stereo seems like cheating like it sounds like what it sounds like they had to make it a uh a turbo because um there's all these new crazy gas efficiency laws that are coming out and it's really hard to make uh the same like gas guzzler type engines and by the time I think it's 2016 I believe it is every car is going to have to be above 35 m a gallon that's going to be the industry standard so like all these cars like these Mustangs and [ __ ] you won't be able to buy them just in a few years from now stock them up you can't get anything [ __ ] in a few years yeah because like and by the way the the the Shelby the GT500 somehow or another it doesn't even get a gas cousler tax you know I don't I don't know how that happen is a V8 huge it's a huge V8 but they figured out something make it really efficient with the the supercharger well you were saying that what was the the car you can bring on a track that got better mileage than a Prius a a BMW N3 yeah when you bring a Prius onto a track Top Gear did this they um they took a Prius and they made it Go full blast around a racetrack and all the BMW had to do was keep up with it and the BMW kept up with it easily and got better gas mileage than the Prius did because the Prius was fighting for its [ __ ] life whereas the BMW was just like sprinting well yeah but I think the Prius is designed to save you money stop and go through town it's not not not for high way yeah that's the whole point of the brakes generating extra power right the brakes help re rechar mine's got a downshift thing now so you actually collect even more it'll decelerate the way if you downshifted would and collect that energy when are you going to pull the trigger soon as I get this job I'm going to find out in the next week women will never understand these conversations but we'll never understand [ __ ] handbags do you
ever get a handbag conversation with Mrs Fitzsimmons she not like that at all thank God thank the baby Jesus we just went to a big wedding and she borrowed handbag jewelry I felt like such a douche was a [ __ ] dress I'm like look go sh she shopped for two [ __ ] weeks right and didn't find anything I go into a store and it's very simple I need a shirt I'm going to this store I'm walking out with a shirt that's all it takes pants this store walk Christmas shopping got to buy something for the wife this store coming out with something she SP two weeks going in and out and did not find anything that boggles my [ __ ] mind she had the best Affairs ever just kidding no wonder if she had no clothes she keeps on leaving at all these guys' house the she found she found a friend that had a dress though that she liked yep that's weird that's hilarious so what is your wife usually wear like Lumberjack [ __ ] like yeah she's into flannel Timberland Timberlands she's got hay she put hay in her hair now she she wears like uh she's got big tits so she'll wear like 34 Dam and uh tight jeans not tight tight but you know she's got a good [ __ ] body man I swear to God I had sex with her the other day and I was just like [ __ ] God damn it your body's nice you know I check her out all the time and uh she she initiated it was [ __ ] nice she she initiated he's giving us full details I mean and you know in the living room [ __ ] walked in took it she wanted it took it any music playing no what was on TV it was like something like see I was on my laptop on the chair in the living room and she [ __ ] lap danced me with no music and then we we threw down on the couch and uh and then she just walked away kept on doing her [ __ ] just took it wouldn't it be funny if Greg and his wife didn't really have sex at all anymore but he like had written all these stories but he gets them crossed up and he doesn't realize he told us this one already but it was a little different before he was on the couch last time and but he said the same thing about her walking away you imagine catching someone in a crazy lie have the best marriage ever and just find out oh just death that was the saddest I saw a little bit of this
movie with Kev Kevin uh James he's a [ __ ] good actor very good actor I mean I my kids watch him in all these movies and not only does he do physical comedy but his face can do so much [ __ ] even in a he's a powerful dude his um Here Come the Boom movie Here Comes the Boom movie is coming out in October and that's a movie where he uh plays a MMA fighter he plays a guy who was a college wrestler yeah yeah he's [ __ ] great in it man he's he he can act his ass off and he can take those silly High concept movies like that and actually ground it enough to make it funny yeah but this movie anyway he's he's about to uh his friend's going to propose and he's tell him how great marriage is he's trying to drag him into it and then the guy sees his wife cheating calls her on it and she goes well what do what do you know about our marriage he goes and gets a [ __ ] hand job from a thae girl every Friday and it all falls apart you know and and this guy wants to get married but he realizes every married person is spinning another [ __ ] story about their marriage and to me it's like you either stay married like getting divorced you should never do until you need a divorce then you should get a [ __ ] divorce but to live a lie in a marriage why not kill you're not alive if you're doing that yeah yeah some people just can't change they have a real hard time just moving on to the next thing they have a really hard time just changing it's very difficult for some people that's one of the things in this happy movie it talks about how the pain the thing that you think is be losing your job going broke even getting kicked out of your house it's never as bad as you think it's going to be and and the fear of it happening controls so much of your actions it goes away right away you experience it and you're in a new reality all of a sudden I got no house I found another place my life's moving forward yeah uh you keep on getting out of sync with us for some reason your camera and so I'm trying to fix it it flashed I noticed that it flashed yeah I'm trying to fix it right now but well long as the audio is on I'm a be I'll be a man of mystery over but what was weird is like me and Greg would be talking and then you would answer like 5 seconds on delay so it was like me and you were in a different world
than Joe it was really trippy to watch I've been I fixed it once before before then it started happening again we're really yeah do you think it's because of switching this laptop yeah probably switching to Windows we tried to do the podcast and windows the iTunes version will be good ladies and gentlemen go get that audio version and as far as the video H we gave it a shot um wait what is it we we were broadcasting for the first time today there it looks like it's yeah I I fixed it last time it started happening again this is the first time we're broadcasting the video portion of it off of a Windows computer we never done that before why because we have one we have this alien wear computer they gave it to us so we figured well let's try it let's try it this way you normally you do it a different way normally we do it through a Mac but and I you should always mix it up once in a while right well yeah we decided we decided to see what would happen and apparently um there's some issues I wonder what the if that's a fixable thing it's probably the power of the laptop uh it's trying to handle three uh uh webcams at the same time so I'm guessing really what a weak ass [ __ ] well we went from an iMac which is like top of the line to a laptop so it's three the three webcams are taking it down but that's a gaming laptop those things are they have super power when it comes graphics cards yeah but wouldn't that have anything to do or is it the information coming at it CPU I mean you're doing three webcams I don't know and and it's the power of powering those it's the wrong one you know I should have brought that big giant one in we should have tried it with that one cuz that one is uh much more powerful don't you think that would that would be a better move yeah that's a lot of [ __ ] to put through a computer sorry folks we're trying to do this technically we're a mess I'm trying to do a two camera thing backst I'm doing a 1 hour special and we're shooting backstage with multi cameras and trying to stream it live before I go on and uh the director's all on top of that [ __ ] and I was just like you know what and what are you be doing in the stream live before you go on just um you know I'm backstage my my two best friends that I grew up with two biggest
[ __ ] troublemakers cuz I'm shooting at in Ty toown New York and these guys I can't even get into what they [ __ ] did because one of them is the uh Town judge the other guy's the fire chief how [ __ ] up these towns are and so uh so the special is going to be me they're pulling up somehow illegally getting the fir truck and pulling me up to the front of the theater on a firet truck and then at the end they're leading me out and putting me into a police cruiser and tearing down the street so I want to have all my buddies backstage that I used to [ __ ] around with growing up all the troublemakers and just right up until they announced my name to go on stage I just want to be [ __ ] around and laughing that's a great idea that'll get you really warmed up sort of like uh when we do the Ice House the the podcast we do right before we do shows exact same sort of thing that probably inspired me to do it actually it's a great move it's uh you think about it those are the guys that put you in the frame of mind you know that made you a comedian in the first place yeah you get into the rhythm of making them laugh and do that to the audience yeah that is uh when you get a group of guys and a couple of them are funny it can get pretty [ __ ] crazy if you get a group of guys and a couple of them are funny well cuz then you got the guys that their laugh keeps keeps it going then you got the guy you're all [ __ ] on yeah and you all know the dynamic it's like a it's like the Beatles you got four guys and they all have a role exactly it's hilarious who was your who was your guys growing up uh well my two best friends when I was growing up were two jimmies and they were both uh a year ahead of me so they they were graduating and they were both uh Tradesmen one Jimmy's a carpenter and one Jimmy's an electrician just real normal guys and I lived with uh one Jimmy Jimmy Dao great [ __ ] guy to this day I talk to him every now and then I really don't get to see him that often I saw him when I was in uh Boston when he was there for the UFC him and my other friend Jimmy Jimmy Lawless you saw both of them together yeah yeah we hung out and then they brought their kids it's crazy you know Jimmy Lawless brought his kid it's just it's so weird you know his real name is Lawless yeah
bad he's a great guy too he's he's been my buddy since we were like 15 is it just like like old times he just immediately oh yeah he's just a great guy he's well you know the the thing that I've always said about that life the living that life in Boston is is hard life to to live in that weather it's a it's a hard it's a hard place to grow up too because people in Boston have like Extreme Blue Collar work ethic too there's like a lot of that up there too there's a lot of people that like when I was in high school I felt so lazy cuz I knew like 10 dudes that had landscaping jobs they had their own like like series of Lawns they would cut and then they were hiring people and this I remember this kid was driving a a brand new car when we were in high school like what the [ __ ] he always had money this kid it was incredible he just figured out I felt like such a lazy [ __ ] cuz this kid had figured out how to move and hustle like there was so much of that and and I grew up in Newton in Newton Upper Falls there was so much of that there but Newton is kind of right and wrong side of the tracks isn't it well my side of the tracks was just we just lived in a really cheap house in a pretty decent neighborhood I mean it was a cute little neighborhood but the house is a piece of [ __ ] and my parents bought the house so that we could be in the neighborhood so they can get us into a good school system cuz uh we were in Jamaica plane before that which is like really shady the area where I was at kid make me a [ __ ] sulles down JP JP was shady I saw some crazy [ __ ] living there in just a couple of years it was that was a tricky place but you know no nothing compared to like real bat it's not Compton or anything like that it's just no but there was that whole like Italian Irish like uh you had JP you had uh uh not Dorchester but um uh West rockberry not Roxberry but West rockberry right next to JP and it was like you weren't in Dorchester but you could get your drugs there and you know there was there was like people that got just enough money to get out of the really [ __ ] neighborhoods made it out to like JP yeah we would go into Dorchester late at night and buy food at places and I remember we were at this place they were serving like steak and cheese sandwiches and uh it was open
really late at night and this neighborhood was [ __ ] up this is like like it was like you were scared to expose your money before you paid for it cuz you thought someone would just snatch it from you yeah like there was just some there some wild crazy people there and they had this thick plexiglass between the the server and you and they only served you through like the slot and uh they gave the guy the sandwich and then the guy says that'll be you know x amount of money and the guys just started screaming I already paid you you [ __ ] you trying to cheat me you [ __ ] and they're like Let it go Let it go Let it go let him go let him go just let him go just let him go yeah they just let this guy creep out of there just hoping that he didn't just blast them hoping that you didn't catch a man on his last day you know because you can if you you know es if you live in a big city we [ __ ] I guess you can K anywhere if you just run into someone on their last straw like that guy just run into that guy and they were like have the sandwich thanks take it easy that's where you got to have instincts you know you can take anybody in a city you know you take somebody who's not from a city and you put them in a city they don't have that instinct to let him go walk away or challenge there's times where it's just a safe to challenge somebody yeah sometimes but sometimes people talk too much and they get themselves in trouble and they don't know what a real fist fight is like they don't know what a real there's no rules out there okay that guy could stab you like you don't know this guy he might be from some other country where you know they'll stab people on the regular I mean he might [ __ ] shoot you you don't know what you're doing why are you fighting people like if you could avoid it at all cost avoid it yeah it's a stupid I think challenging can be a subtle thing too like when I you know walking through New York City all those years if I be in [ __ ] Lowry side late at night three black guys coming from the other direction not to be racist but the [ __ ] it is can't believe you went there three black guys walking past me in a bad neighborhood you [ __ ] cross the street that's dangerous you got to walk right at them you can't make eye contact but you don't look away there's
a subtle way that people know how to live in cities and if you if you [ __ ] that up you become a victim like exponentially more yes absolutely that's what I mean by challenge Yeah well yeah I know what you mean by that yeah I agree with that definitely what I meant is like people start unnecessary altercations I run I just take off run turn around I see a black guy on a sidewalk you probably can outrun a black guy imagine God was that racist what I just said no no because you're you're just admitting that white people are scared of black people yeah I'm more scared to black people and white people I can tell you I mean if you want to be [ __ ] totally RI myself open to be honest really yeah I am I'm not uh I I think uh physically more black people can kick my ass but I think there's more white serial killer interesting I'm Cal you're going cereal I'm with Greg I think uh white people are just as creepy you're crazy I think my fear comes from what I look like I think that okay as a white guy who's not big with a receding hairline I think I look like somebody who's that you could [ __ ] with more and I think especially for black people I look and that and it may and it's not true but in my head in my [ __ ] up view of things I think that they're seeing me that way I'm putting that on them well that's going get you in trouble man I got robbed by a black eyy so I immediately think that you never got robbed by a white guy no never got a gun I'm a white guy I mean I've only been robbed once so yeah so hopefully in the future it's a white person and then Asian person then a Mexican so you have a multi-racial profile of people of offend to you don't even put that out there man it'll come back to you like the secret he's going to start start hanging around in China down late at night till he gets robbed there drunk pants down where am I going I don't know I keep forgetting can you give me directions totally lost here I'll give you money how many dudes are out there doing that right now how many dudes are out there just fake drunk in Chinatown yeah W I'm so drunk I'll I might just do anything right now pretending to pass out after to let
the guy [ __ ] him a cop comes over and sees it you want to report this no no I'm good let it let it go how many times do you think cops interrupt [ __ ] on a on on a given night in Los Angeles it's amazing because they don't even hide I mean you see you see prostitutes just bobbing up and down oh I wasn't saying prostitutes I was saying someone just being someone just getting crazy in the car yeah have you ever you ever seen people do that oh [ __ ] I saw a girl giving head while driving down Pacific in Venice I'm driving home from dinner with my wife and we're at a red light and I point to my wife and the dude is driving an SUV and all you see is this head and they're higher than us I can only see the top of the head bobbing up and down and I look at the guy and he looks at me and I'm expecting a [ __ ] a thumbs up nothing just looks at me looks straight ahead heads bobbing and to this trying to keep his boner this was five or six years ago to this day every time we're driving down Pacific at that spot I go remember the time like yes I [ __ ] remember he was probably scared that you were going to try to honk and and ruin his blowjop yeah he's panicking he felt the conflict the eye to eye conflict he was losing his Edge that's what the porn stars say when they start to lose their boner they lose their Edge lose their Edge I wonder what that guy did at dinner cuz like if I'm if I'm on fire at dinner you know I put the napkin on my head I'm getting laughs whatever that I'm driving home she might hold my hand and I get some sense that there's going to be action but how good was he at dinner that she [ __ ] started bobbing up and down on them I don't even think it was dinner the one that I saw I saw it was in the middle of the day it was was oddly enough with Kevin James that we're bringing it yeah and uh there's a dude and he was right beside us and and Kevin spotted at first and uh I was like holy [ __ ] and Kevin was gonna H Hit The Horde and I talked about it hit the it was just joking but uh the guy saw us and gave us a thumbs up nice that's appropriate yeah the guy saw us and went like this and pointed to it yeah and it was pretty funny dude that was my closing bit remember for [ __ ] years it was like uh yeah ladies you've never
seen this before but here's what we do when you give us a [ __ ] and then I just start pumping my fist in the air and doing that I close I so first year Greg Fitz Simmons it killed man it [ __ ] killed wow do you ever go back and think about some of the [ __ ] that you said when you were on stage you go what the [ __ ] you know Jim uh Florentine just put out a CD called my first notebook and it's [ __ ] that he was so embarrassed he used to do he found an old notebook he went out he did all of it in a club he's putting out a CD oh that's hilar he's promoting it going like I don't know why anybody would buy this this is [ __ ] horrible that's brilliant oh that's hilarious that is that well that's not brilliant for everybody a lot of people go go [ __ ] material blows yeah but for a guy like me it's brilliant well I think it's it's interest it would be interesting to people in the same way that like you know you hear the the like Bruce Springsteen there's these tapes they just called them the tapes the album and it was when he auditioned the first time he drove in from New Jersey and a [ __ ] broken down Pinto brought his acoustic guitar in and started playing uh Mary Queen of Arkansas and all these amazing [ __ ] songs acoustic with different chord structures different pitches and it's like it's [ __ ] it's not as good but you're riveted because you're like wow this is this is the [ __ ] sketch that led to this masterpiece wow so I mean not that that would be the equivalent with standup but I think it would be interesting for people to hear maybe the what was the roots of a set they already know rather than just a bunch of [ __ ] you never did again yeah for sure yeah if they could hear it like after the fact like this is what didn't make the cut yeah this is how the bit evolved the problem is when those uh intermediate steps get online yeah you know when you know they get already get on a YouTube clip or something like that or you know you see it and you go ah but that's not even that's like the beginning of it it's like it's just growing like they're always they're always growing up to a certain point but there's that really fragile time for a bit when you're first doing the first few times you're doing it on stage you're not if one of those
got online you'd be like yeah that's that's a stupid because a lot of times you're talking around the joke you haven't figured out the Bare Bones construction of it and you're describing the joke that it later will become yeah that's a very good way of putting it and but I think what a lot of people don't know that are watching stand-up comedy is that while you're doing it you know you you you're you're barely even thinking about what you're doing you're almost like riding it you're almost like when you really lock it in you know that feeling you get when you're really killing yeah you're in the flow you don't even feel like you're a part of it like you're witnessing it all happen that's exactly what I was talking about with the happy thing that's the flow yeah well that's what you know the whole the idea of being in the moment completely Zen and locked into how the universe is expressing itself through through whatever the [ __ ] is going on through either standup comedy or through music or through through car racing whatever the [ __ ] it is man it's just that that that moment when it all works out you know and you come off stage there's nights you come off stage exhausted those nights you come off with twice the energy as when you went on it's like you just soaked in all this energy and you just [ __ ] ride it it can last a full day where you're just buzzing still yeah it's uh it's a weird gig you know and the the weird thing about uh you and I is that we've known each other since we first started you know there's not that many guys from our little group there's you me Maguire Tom Cotter Tom cter top three finalist America's Got Talent powerful Tom Cotter good luck to you buddy um I mean there's there's you know not that many guys from that that small group of open micers that we were in that like you know you think of open micers as like classes like this is the class of 1988 there's a Class of 1989 and we were the 88 guys yeah you know and it was and every couple years it was a very different brand of Comedy that would come out not very different but enough that you could detect it yeah there was changes and Trends and what was that kid's name who was a uh Jonathan Maguire no no no the guy who was a a regular at the um at
Nicks comedy stop he was sort of like Nick depalo but oh um he became like their regular guy yeah yeah oh [ __ ] he's funny as [ __ ] funny as [ __ ] oh he never left Boston no I forget his name kills me he's still a killer too he is a killer and that's the thing about Boston is the guys that have figured out the the sort of formula that works in Boston but are also an original voice it's just amazing how you can you can destroy when it's a match of a comic versus a certain local like you take somebody like David cross and put him in San Francisco boom locked in they're going to go for long rides with him you go to uh you know Houston with somebody like uh you know like what Bill Hicks was you take a southern act you put him down Blue Collar guy you put him in North Carolina but you take guys like Nick depalo or this guy and you put him in Boston and it's just it's explosive what happens a match I don't remember his name it's driving me [ __ ] crazy he's a really funny guy but he just stayed you know and I'm sure he does well like in Boston Paul nardizzi that's it that's it beautiful that's it and I remember that kid was like uh the class I think of ' 89 I think he came a little bit after US 91 he was was that maybe 90 maybe 90 yeah cuz I was gone by I think 902 91 or 92 I was gone might have been 90 I might have left at the end of 90 no it was 91 91 yeah definitely but he was really really [ __ ] funny I'm sure he still is that guy was he was really good man just so edgy the [ __ ] rips boom boom and he was like a a hammer attack dude he would just Hammer you over and over again with another one here's another punchline another punch line that that rapid fire Boston style it's like the the the crowds in Boston were so hostile that you had to develop this like really energetic like rapid fire style you had to be leaning forward mentally oh you had to constantly be up there was no sitting on the stool get the [ __ ] off the stool Jesus you're an Entertainer yeah there weren't long pauses I mean you know you start working the road and you you learn the value of a nice go get a sip of water [ __ ] Let Them Sit they'll kill you but not in Boston no way you stay on the horse attack you but it's also the the you know I find it a very Irish thing is
that um you don't deserve to feel good or have any pride and so Boston is about stripping it away away from you so every joke is about you know I go to you know I go to the [ __ ] uh toall booth and the guy I hand him a 20 he goes you got change no that's your [ __ ] job your job is to make [ __ ] change I give you a 20 you it's just like any [ __ ] entitlement or is just [ __ ] knock you in a cold way just knock the [ __ ] out of you yeah like immediately and then there was no dissent was yeah yeah whole 100% right there was no no entertaining and other side to an issue Cambridge was an odd sort of a club do you remember catcher rising star in Cambridge greatest [ __ ] club ever maybe top that was a great club that was run by psycho Robin H Robin yeah he was he was quite a character but he loved comedy he loved a certain type of he hated me but he loved comedy he called me a he I you go in and you audition for the guy you do 10 minutes and then at the end of it he either he tells you right away he goes no no or yes and he said no and I didn't give a [ __ ] I've always had very thick skin I go well uh I'd like why and he goes well I can either tell you no or we can go in the back and sit down and I can tell you exactly why I said yeah let's go on the back first words out of his mouth as far as I'm concerned you're just another cocky little Irish puke that was the beginning wow that's [ __ ] racist yeah he he didn't get racist with me but he said that I am everything that he hates about comedy he goes what you do is everything I hate about comedy wow and I said oh okay well I guess then we don't like the same things and then we had this like weird star down where he's like a he was a big guy thick [ __ ] it was a big guy like I didn't want to tangle with him I didn't want to have to scrap with him but it was it was an intimidation moment it was it wasn't a comfortable moment I didn't like it it wasn't uh like this is a smart friendly guy who should be managing a comedy club and influencing comedians everything had this heavy leftist bent to it everything had this like Harvard socialized socialist yeah well Barry crims would sit at the bar and if he didn't like what you were doing he would yell [ __ ] out at you like he was like the dean of the club that's hilarious
they were best friends that's hilarious and I love Barry KMS he's a [ __ ] brilliant political guy but back then he was drinking a lot and he and those guys were on a mission to create a place that they thought was fertile for this type of Comedy I was at uh catch before I ever did stand up with a friend of mine from high school Diane d Roa really nice girl we we're just buddies sitting in the the club and your boy Kevin meany went on stage this is before I ever got on stage myself and this is when Kevin meany was on fire Kevin meanie was a [ __ ] kusher dude rusher krusher and you didn't understand what he was talking about with his big pants we're big pants people and you'd be crying laughing it was so ridiculous and I remember leaving thinking God I I knew he was funny because I'd seen him on TV before but he like five Co five tonight shows that year yeah I but I nothing like seeing him live it's such a completely different experience seeing a guy like that live because he's like the silliness is not that contagious when it comes to the TV but when you're in front of that dude and he's he was [ __ ] crushing it's hard to describe I saw him in that same Club probably on I don't know if it was the same weekend it must have been close era but when he came in the place was [ __ ] jammed and he went up there sweating in a bow tie and a jacket I don't care and to this day I say when people say who's the best comedian I say nobody has ever made me laugh as hard in one set as Kevin man wow that's a good statement I I I stand by it I believe you 100% I might I might I it's too far of a distant memory for me to uh to say that mine was just as good but I remember being blown away by how funny it was it was just so long ago I mean part of it was he's silly and he would sing that song I don't care and that was his theme he did not he was going to be this ridiculous a rip [ __ ] torn kind of a character Rip Taylor Rip Torn I think it is Rip Taylor no Rip Taylor rip tayor was the guy who threw confetti and acting crazy it was like a little bit of an element of that mixed with a guy who really understood of Comedy yeah he was [ __ ] hilarious he was my wedding party really he was one of my ushers wow yeah I grew up at one town over from him and my dad got him on stage his very first time because
my dad was a big radio guy in New York wow Kevin was a waiter and waited on my dad and he would be funny and my dad said you should do standup and he he was friends with the guy at catch and he got him on stage his first time I remember when we were open micers I always thought that was really [ __ ] cool like holy [ __ ] Fitz Simmons actually Knows Kevin meanie like you actually knew Kevin meanie and when youd have problems or when you were going through things you would ask like Kevin meanie questions I remember us several times having conversations where you were dispensing like wisdom that Kevin meanie told you about stand up and we were talking about it like okay yeah okay that makes sense yeah you know those early years when you're such a blind blabbering [ __ ] [ __ ] up there and trying to like you know hand feel your way through it C2 coconut water in the house yeah it was um you know it was a time when I really needed a mentor and he wasn't he wasn't a guy that brought me on the road open and form him all the time it was just more of like you said I could call him anytime and he here was a guy who was this hot one hour special on HBO M Uncle Buck comes out all the money in the world and I come out to LA and stay with him he bought a Chrysler K car that's the kind of guy he was [ __ ] business you know underneath all the silliness he was a conservative simple guy so his advice on Comedy I especially respected because I could see this guy was going the distance this wasn't a guy hot and was going to you know flail out which you you know to this day you know he's still out there [ __ ] banging it out that's awesome now he's out of the closet now he's gay now he's really banging it out now he's banging it in out his new I didn't I I didn't know that he I mean I I wasn't one of those things where I was like duh you know I thought uh I thought he was straight I thought he was straight too A lot of people he'd been married too right when married what do I give a [ __ ] what am I the inquire married with a kid no but not married he met a woman out in La uh fell in love with her and uh called me it was my babysitter who lived next door to me growing up whoa [ __ ] weird is that whoa how old was she she's probably
78 years older than me wow a Harvard NBA real [ __ ] successful type A personality and uh yeah that my dad di to be a fly on that wall oh there were a lot to be a fly on that w wall that's my jeene Simmons oppression really is that what he says got a doo stuck in my ass to be a fly on that wall does he currently have a show I don't know man we we were trying to get a campaign to have him apologize to ber ker ber crer was on um the X show with him Jean Simmons was on and he said Jean Simmons treated him more horribly than any human being he'd ever met in his life Wow and Bert said that it was just like demoralizing because he was a huge kiss fan he was a huge kiss fan who was just literally and if you know Bert look I've known Bert since I knew I met him back then but I've been friends with him for a couple years now he's just a fun wild dude and you if you misread him you might go oh look at this annoying guy man I'm trying to relax before my performance man and so he uh apparently was like super rude to Bert which just we can't have well we that not that that's not a surprise I was isn't he kind of known for being yeah he is he's known but I met him and he was really nice you know so it makes me yeah but you know what that is that's a guy who treats different people different ways different status people get a different treatment which is worse than just being a douche all the time I wish I could have a a personal experience to share other than the positive one but meeting him was awesome he came to my comedy show him and his wife and his kid his kid had uh got my Shiny Happy Jihad CD from iTunes and he really liked it so is this thing [ __ ] up again Brian yeah it's just kind of can't with it it's just kind of wonky all we we'll switch it back we'll switch it back anyway he was really cool his whole family is cool they came to uh New Year's at the Improv it was fun but you know when you hear a story like that where someone's like super rude to a guy like Bert you're like oh man that's so hard to hear yeah cuz every now and then you hear a story yeah man I met Patrick ssy once she was a [ __ ] douchebag and you're like was he really are you really annoying which one is it cuz it might be that you might be really annoying and somewhere along
the line you might have decided that he upset your feelings and how many I mean have you ever had like those weird like people who feel slighted those artificially slighted people yeah well they're looking for it because we're storytellers and we all want to go back to our town or back to our friends and go hey I met Joe Rogan and they're going to go really what was he like and the truth is he said hi to you you shook his hand Maybe said three words and then somebody else did now they got to they got to [ __ ] pull from that a story for their friend so if there's a hint of you being dismissed going they're going to blow it out because then they've got a connection to you or he was the greatest [ __ ] guy in the world which I never want to fall into that camp either I mean I'm totally I go hang out after showest guy the world I want to be the guy that I'll take a picture with you but you know what don't put your arm around me while your girlfriend figures out how to snap a photo on your phone for the first [ __ ] time scared of hugging people Gregory just give the fellow a big hug like this I don't mind the hug you know what I don't like is the armpit on my shoulder NY tall guy with arm on Myer when you feel the sweat you kind of just deal man that's what it is the guy's he's funking on you and I bet your girl can smell it I bet it's some sort of a primal thing too especially if homeboy doesn't know any deodorant like if you come home and you're around your wife she probably feels like you got conquered that's right what is there's a man on you there's man on your shoulder that's right or she doesn't notice she just wants to [ __ ] you she doesn't know why how weird are Primal smells that like I mean isn't that that doesn't that what puts women on the coinciding menstrual cycle isn't it a fonal thing is that right I believe it is I want to say it is I might be wrong but I mean how how Primal are we women get around each other their their menstrual cycles all coincide so if they all get banged they all raise their kids together so the kids have friends yeah and is there a is there a thing about how your your uh your sperm count raises looking at houses what the [ __ ] are you doing no what are you doing man I'm looking to see what the comments are while we're
I'm listening the comments oh the uh but this your sperm count goes up when you're traveling or something of course you're ready to conquer in a new land your body knows it's not around it's normal smell and you your your dick gets hard when you go to pick up your spear you're traveling you're going to war I'm going to kill and [ __ ] I'll be home in three days how many people are programmed that way how many people from the life en Roman times were programmed to to kill and [ __ ] kill and [ __ ] at the same time mean how must be really hard to work that culture out yeah calm that culture down I mean we're talking about the amount of violence that we see on a regular basis pretty [ __ ] minimal it could be pretty horrific in certain places but in America pretty minimal in compared to what it would be like if this was the sword fighting days yeah you know like on a regular basis people had to deal with some [ __ ] that we couldn't even [ __ ] begin to wrap our heads around with yeah it was really about power it was what can I take and they would do it with swords they would run into a city with swords and chop everything up and take all the people and take their gold and [ __ ] all their women I mean nutty [ __ ] happened in the world well it was like in nature you know you destroy your you know if you are competing with somebody for a food source if you're an insect you you will start to kill the other insect or you will find a way to um destroy the food source for them so that they die but it's that weird thing of the when people get into tribes especially where they become really synchronized like as this tribe this is this is us and we're going to go after them and they you know they never even would consider the idea of taking them into their ranks or just like Hey listen we're just going to go plunder would you guys like to come with us yeah you know we we could be a big army we could all get together well they'll take them as slaves but they never take them on as equals I mean there was a lot of slave holding back then you conquered and you [ __ ] the women and you took the dudes and said you're slave now yeah I mean how many people had a lived their life like that a lot right that was for for how many years did that kind of [ __ ] go on in this world the Old Testament the
whole [ __ ] book talks about slavery like it's not even a sin it's in actually the seventh commandment is uh Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife thy neighbor's house thy neighbor's donkey or thy neighbor's manservant it's a Commandment that recognizes slavery Jesus Christ wrap your [ __ ] head around the Bible baby wrap your head around that it's funny how people like choose to believe in like parts of it yeah I know I know and the wording of parts of it as if it wasn't translated from ancient Hebrew to Hebrew to Roman to [ __ ] engl and it's like and you're going to tell me about the subtlety of the way he said gay people shouldn't lie together in 2,000 years later my favorite is when people tat two biblical quotes on their body it's like you're really not supposed to do that like it says it in the Bible you're not supposed to get a tattoo and like yeah but I don't think Jesus meant it that much I also think it might fall under the the first commandment or is the second about Thou shalt not have graven images you should not have representations of God and I think by extension why are we hiding why do we have [ __ ] crosses with Jesus hanging off the wall of the church isn't that is that kind of covered by extension on the second commandment do we want to his he his [ __ ] bloody corpse it's a very strange practice to look at that all the time you know and the idea that you're being reminded of the deity the one perfect being that existed oh thousands of years ago yeah and since then his followers have reverted to pedophilia and [ __ ] craziness and fear yeah I know this I know this comic that has a cross on his arm and I don't I'm not friends with him but he always wears like like those like elastic band things on his arm just to cover it up so no one knows oh really that's funny and the why doesn't he get it removed I don't know yeah get it cover maybe he still likes it he's just hiding it from Comics oh well could be that some people get ashamed of being religious a lot of Fighters get religious it's like he gives them something to to to Really uh lean back on you know something to give him strength and you know I've always said that I don't have any [ __ ] idea whether there's a God I'm not a
religious person but uh I leave anything up to the idea of possibility I think anything could be possible anything think well it depends on your definition of God but to think that there's not some power that orchestrated the miracle of you know like we regenerating DNA all that [ __ ] you know to think that there's not something that can tell you that I know how big the Moon is going to be at what point in the sky in [ __ ] 50 years and be right yeah you know give me a [ __ ] break of course whatever you want to call that I think that I always just default to Nature is God and fell in the detail tells later when when I know more well it it could very well be that there is an intelligence to all of nature that we're just not capable of of of tuning into it could very well be the trees and all sorts of different parts of nature have some sort of intelligence it does doesn't translate into words doesn't translate into you know certain noises that we recognize with certain images and certain meanings it could be some other form of intelligence and it's it's super possible that the reason why why you know we exist in this everchanging world and this world is you know being more and more hostile to people is that it kind of recognizes us as a threat mhm you know the you if you have to think of this system has got to be prepared for everything okay there's a reason why certain you know animals eat other animals and certain diseases kill certain percentages of the people there's like this crazy corrective system that goes on on Earth and we agree with that up until it gets to people we don't ever want to think that Earth could ever look at us like we might be some [ __ ] cold that it has and that the more we pull the [ __ ] fish out of the ocean and throw our garbage in it and the more we pollute the sky and change the temperature of it and [ __ ] the whole balance of it up and and artificially change the levels of certain things in the environment we should expect that the Earth is respond to this change accordingly it's going to try to push back I mean if if it is intelligent if if there's some real method to the whole idea of this whole thing evolving from a hot ball of rock and lava and then somehow or another acquiring water and somehow or another coating more matters and more elements
and more life forms yeah just keep going and and going and it's all it's you know and it goes back to like uh turn of the uh 19th century there was a lot of um uh so social scientists and England Mills who talked about population naturally controls itself Wars disease that there is an actual healthy number of people to be on the earth and because of science we've been able to just completely [ __ ] hyper bloat that number of people to the point where we've staved off a natural correction we haven't had War any real war in a long time we haven't had any [ __ ] plague in a long time you know the plague in 19 during World War I 1970 killed one out of three people in in Europe including well the war and the plague together and you know we if we had that now people they'd lose their [ __ ] people can't even imagine a Devastation they don't think it's possible whereas numerically it's beyond possible it's way overdue well there was a super volcano warning today um somewhere God I want to say I have that I want to say that's hilarious I want to say somewhere in the South Pacific I don't I don't really remember but there was um uh a warning not to travel to this particular area because there's been some volcanic activity maybe someone will uh let me know what the [ __ ] it is on Twitter wow but we had a couple earthquakes in California last week hundreds right wasn't hundreds no [ __ ] yeah well there's an area in Yellowstone where they have thousand thousand of earthquakes a year thousands you sure that's not just Yogi bear chasing hey boo boo oh bo boo what is that another guy got killed uh by a bear in Alaska and that's where you're going yes my friend Into the Heart of Darkness the guy who got killed by the bear was uh out there photographing it standing near it way closer than what they tell you to he was within uh 50 yards like you should never get within 50 yards 50 yards that's yeah that's far yep yeah you should be far as [ __ ] yeah you shouldn't be close because you most likely you'll be fine but if you get too close to a bear and he decides for whatever reason that he hasn't eaten in a while and he might see if you're edible if he's desperate you can catch a desperate bear especially late in the year like when it gets close
to like December you know some of those bears are still walking around those are the Dangerous Ones cuz they're not stuffed yet they're not they're not ready to hibernate that's how that Griz man guy got got yeah he went wandering around out there after it was like postseason when they were uh the most of the healthy bears were already in harb ination it's like being in Fel Hall at 2 in the morning when the bars get out exactly if you're not home you're dangerous last chance Last Chance for romance you didn't get laid and now you're going to look for a fight that that's what would happen at 215 that one little uh what is it a fast food plays it a McDonald's it's on the corner of that it was by that hotel that we used to stay at we go to Fel Hall yeah remember that place that we were worked at the comedy connection it was a chain yeah I think it was McDonald's but like it was a Wendy's it was McDonald's Ari and and Brian Wendy's Arian Brian walked there and almost got in a fight yeah like twice and just waiting in line everywhere I go I was you know I didn't like Boston the first like three two times we went there because we kept on going to that comedy club in that area it's the what they call it the combat it's like one bad Block in the whole city awful and then we the last time we went we went somewhere else and we stayed in this really nice hotel and they filming a movie and there's all these actors in it but it was like a totally different experience it was like being in New York almost yeah we were um we were at the connection in Fel Hall it wasn't in the combat Z wasn't the Wilbur but the connection was uh yeah the the the Wilbur is actually like it's a way cooler set you know it's a beautiful environment and everything like that but that area is not it's not the dangerous area it was when we were doing standup like people don't understand the the [ __ ] they have like a Four Seasons there now you know it's it's a gorgeous area when we were coming up and standing up it was the combat zone you would walk over there there would be hookers it was scary you'd see people smoking crack you would see peep show booth and they slowly squeezed all that [ __ ] out that was like our one CD area I remember I could always park on the street because
nobody would park on the street that's why I had a piece of [ __ ] because your my window got smashed so many [ __ ] times you just were you were just used to it yeah that area around Nicks man you got your your [ __ ] car got broken into all the time unless you got a spot on that street on Warrington Street when you would go around that little side area where the connection was the old connection and go down to the end where Nick was every now and then you catch a spot you get super [ __ ] lucky yeah that whole area is a gay bar now Tech G poppers poers uh yeah became like a really uh hot game they let me in free bro [ __ ] famous let me get in the back door you went with the back door line Fitz Simmons Jesus um but yeah that area um at one point in time it was uh there was two comedy clubs in the same theater where the same area where the connection was there was the connection and then above it mik Mike Clark had a place remember that I don't remember Mike Clark's Place yeah he had some sort of a comedy club it was it wasn't for a long time it was in the same theater that they used to do they had like some long ass running show one of those [ __ ] talking about above the original comedy oh yeah yeah upstairs they had some kind of a nuns you one of those nuns [ __ ] the or some [ __ ] nonsense I think that's it nonsense nsanity um and then down the street you had Nicks which had three different rooms 50 yards away yeah 50 yards away they had an upstairs and then they had two downstairs one smaller room and then one that was like a disco you remember the Disco room that didn't really make it that they got rid of the Disco after while I was like too crazy but guys would do that and then across the street there was the [ __ ] Duck Soup at what's now the wiber theater Duck Soup was the the idea of uh Billy DS and Paul Barkley had this idea to put a super upscale comedy club and put it uh in Boston right there and charge more money and have only clean Comedians and it didn't work it didn't work but then you're forgetting dick Dy had a room if you walked then across the street and through a mini mall there was the comedy vault which had been a bank yes and they the [ __ ] room was the Vault was still there yeah and you would stand in this little [ __ ] room that
was a bank and it was a sweet little room great room but I mean so you're talking about within literally within a quarter of a mile you had three four five six six comedy rooms and they were all good yeah it's ridiculous we're becoming those those annoying old dudes who keep repeating stories about the Glory Days but what people don't understand is just how that's by the way that's a meme what people don't understand cuz I always say that when I don't know exactly what I'm going to say next is that the the scene was just to us now today looking back on it as you know you see what's around today it's it was such a spectacular scene it was just the most amazing scene for like developing as a comedian well you look at like did you read the book outliers no it's uh this book about how people like Bill Gates um came about at a certain time they had a certain gift that wasn't necessarily a good thing like I think Gates is mildly as bergery he was born he was born in the Santa Cruz area just as the tech thing was exploding and he used I think it was Santa Cruz whatever the the UC College had the first like Mainframe computer as a teenager he was going in there and writing programs wow so he was at the beginning of a wave with the exact personality type and he carried it through and became something that you can't do again and like Howard Stern was an outlier with radio he became the guy who did all the things you weren't supposed to do in radio bad mouth other people be dirty self a grand eyes and all of the sudden this wave of syndication of radio stations came about and he [ __ ] caught that wave and took and with Talent this is Talent god-given [ __ ] uh you know weird recipe for what matches the demands of that time and being a in front of the explosion that happens and I believe that we were very much in the outlier spot of standup comedy by being in Boston at that time it was a very unusual environment for sure it's sad that it doesn't exists anymore it's when uh France Salam put out that documentary when standup stood out yeah and it's really interesting but I think he kind of nailed it is that the the scene was fantastic until people started making it when when everybody just wanted to be funny you were one of the first ones no no yeah I remember Joe
Rogan because everybody's back there going you he Joe Joe moved to dude he's he gets to do the prom shows to Danger fields that was literally like people were like [ __ ] well I'm just saying in steps and then Joe Rogan just signed with uh uh Jeff Suman then all said Joe Rogan just got a $100,000 deal with Disney and we knew every detail of your [ __ ] career because nobody had done that before nobody from our class had gone anywhere really except like you know I remember uh Bud fredman came to uh Boston and did a showcase to do evening at The Improv and we it was like the for months we were [ __ ] UPS obessed with our set and a couple people got it out of it and uh and that was our closest brush to show business until you all of a sudden got on this [ __ ] track and it was like wow you can do that from this so you ruined everything that was real well everybody thought for some reason that the only way you would ever get on TV is if you were clean and I thought the only way I would ever want to do comedy is if I was funny so I I knew I wasn't good and because I wasn't good my dirty comedy wasn't it was UN bearable cuz it's like not as it just not as it offensive not only is it offensive but it's also bad it's bad and offensive which is like way worse yeah yeah in the beginning I think I think you know it take to took a while for me to figure out how to do it right how to do [ __ ] that I actually thought was funny yeah but I knew I could never do it clean I just wasn't going to try I just was like nope I just I I I'll scratch together some little 5 minute sets here and there but that seems crazy like why would I do that why would I limit what I'm thinking about why would it just seems like that's like step one to [ __ ] yourself you know but I just got lucky that it worked it didn't have to work it could have skit off into the [ __ ] woods and I could have become some kind of a that's the thing about that time though there was no road map for it and that's what an outlier is it's like you're the you're a Pioneer in the sense that you're breaking the rules and yet you're rising up faster than anybody else because things change and there becomes the you know the needs and the demands of the marketplace for whatever it is you do uh they change very quickly they're Dynamic and the and
and it's why we have the you know variation in species it's Darwinism yeah and it's I've also felt like when when anything happens to you that's good then you actually believe that good things can happen so for me it's like believing that something good can happen like all I could think of was well you know if I keep working at this more good things can happen like I'm on a rooll and I I I don't want to stop this role and so I think um you know when you're a a young guy and you know your life has been like kind of like half sketchy filled with a lot of [ __ ] failures all relationship failures all like all just different failures that you go through and then you're on stage and you're trying to do comedy like just trying to make sense of that aspect of your past when you look back on your your life of being an open micer and that the the wild experience of you know trying to [ __ ] do that for a living it doesn't even feel like it's you does it I mean doesn't it feel like it's a lie you know it feels like you're you're accessing memories that were copied 100 times over and they're real shitty and you're like I think it was this guy Larry Ruchi yeah yeah Larry Ruchi yeah yeah yeah and I think I wore shirts that had zippers going down the arms and I think I had a mullet and I think I did a joke about what I do when girls are blowing me and none of it see and and and I also look at it like Limitless [ __ ] energy and passion I would tape every set rewrite it I would [ __ ] drive me and you we would drive all over the [ __ ] place it was there was no limit and then I'd get up at the crack of dawn and do [ __ ] banquet waitering and then I would go audition for some cold call [ __ ] downtown I mean there was not like now where I got to pace myself pick my battles back then it was no every [ __ ] battle I'm in yeah and somewhere along the line I think as a stand-up comedian you forget that this was a terrifying time like those times that you talk about were terrifying but might have been the most exciting moments of your life yeah you know I mean the the the first couple of sets that you do that are good that feeling when you're like holy [ __ ] [ __ ] I think I'm on to something and then you become obsessed you want to write things
down everywhere you go because I went to college and to me it was like I was told what to do and how to think for 4 years there were tests on a set of information I was supposed to learn and internalize and believe then you're going to stand up and it's a blank slate it's what do you think what do you believe and you make that work and all of a sudden I felt in a way like that made me grow up in six months more than I did in four years in college because it was all my creation yeah yeah that's one of the most important things about you know really finding yourself is putting something down and then being able to look at it and go I [ __ ] I got that I did that I got this is an actual thing thing that I did yeah like here it is it's put I put it down and then you can move on from it so easy so much more easy you get more momentum yeah did you ever read the war of art Steven pressfield book what's it called the war of art no you told me about that once dude I got a copy for you yeah yeah Brian reach by the way I want to on the air thank Joe Rogan for one of the best gifts I've gotten in the last [ __ ] 10 years uh a beautiful I'm going to mispronounce the name Ariel carmell Ariel carelly pool queue and I am a I am a pool fanatic my whole life and uh I I haven't had a pool queue in about 15 years they're under that uh shelf Brian down there there's two books down there see them it's the war of art they're in the corner can you reach it or no no you yoga doing [ __ ] I don't even see him all right I'll find it I'll give it to you after the show remind me they're it's they're right there he just can't reach over he's impossible I'm impossible if there was a [ __ ] down there reach over oh yeah he would already be sucking it he' already [Music] be no Brian it's okay don't get it it's no no need no no it's no big deal for real that was the most passive aggressive thing I've ever heard yeah I see it it's on the other side right it's all right man just leave it there yeah don't worry about it man totally cool with it really happy with you it's no big deal damn should we get the camera on this right next to you no no no there you go that's the book I bought a bunch of copies just to give it to people a
look it's got dust all over it yep I love it breakr the blocks and win your in Creative battles [ __ ] yeah it's a great book all right I love it it's um a great book for uh like creativity and um sort of uh getting past the roadblocks of um procrastination oh [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah yeah somebody showed me this once before very interesting work the guy it's stuff you kind of read and then meditate on each thing yeah well you know it's an ethic the guy provides an ethic and he's got a new one called turning pro which is just as good I just got into that but he's a very inspirational dude you know I uh I love hearing about dudes who work really hard I don't like hearing about guys who become crazy and become obsessed and become unhealthy like they work too much but I like hearing about dudes who have like a great work ethic like it always like whenever I hear about Louis CK putting out a new hour every year I always like I I love hearing that that's inspirational to me I feel like I get like some energy out of that like oo like there's think that's ballsy um it's too much for me it turned out I did uh I I did mine then I did another one in a little less than two years and and that's why I was doing like a lot of the UFC stuff as well I do less UFC stuff now than I did before so it was why I was doing that but I still feel like I like to have a bit around for a while like I put some stuff your bits are [ __ ] thick too I mean it's not like you write a freestanding joke then have to write another I mean you you find something and you explore it and you extend it and then by the end you got a chunk that's 10 minutes so you string together six of those you got an hour and I I you know I know there's like more life to [ __ ] sometimes but it's like I I put some stuff on a special before and then right after it's in you're like oh you [ __ ] the the punch line of punchline comes out you know the tagline that changes the whole bit you know Dana ghoul just gave me a tagline that took a bit that was already killing and doubled it really I got this bit about how we uh waste water in this country how we just have fun with it it's like a joke we have water parks we have fountains which just shoot water in the air like [ __ ] you look at all this water and then Dan tagline was and then
what do we do we take money we don't need and we throw it in the fountain wow and on top of always killing that tagline just like instant Applause break so true that's a perfect like description of uh like ridiculous opulence a giant Fountain like one of those people you can dip in dip your feet in sit in front talk there like a kid with a pot in his lap and it's it's like he's pissing you ever see those pissing out of it I saw a house in mono once you know in Santa Barbara that was was uh these people had like they must have owned a museum or some [ __ ] but they had a fountain that was so big they converted it into a swimming pool dam was [ __ ] huge this huge gorgeous Fountain was a swimming pool these people had like three fountains this house is ridiculous like that mono area of Santa Barbara is like some of the most gorgeous houses like you've ever seen in your life oh hell yeah perfect weather all year round they're looking over the ocean you're like holy [ __ ] anytime I'm in that part of the world you go down below San Francisco they got a thing called a s Mile Drive which is where like Pebble Beach Golf Club is and I really do think that there is not a more beautiful I mean I haven't been to like Tuscany I'm sure there's places but I feel like you can actually afford to live in a place along the Cod the jagged California coast where the weather's [ __ ] perfect all the time it's just peaceful people and I sort of feel like why not do that teach school just school what what are you doing living in a [ __ ] movie we're going to learn how to bake bread yeah I lost it there [ __ ] that's crazy but there are some places like Carmel like you ever been where that was where Clint Eastwood was the carel is right below where I'm talking about oh is it right below that right there so [ __ ] beautiful so beautiful you can cool [ __ ] town it's all like art galleries and like cafes that are [ __ ] you know International and it's bad I mean but it's one of those things where hope you like white people because that's all we got here rich white people yeah that's a real white town right old white people it's all like CL Eastwood types yeah he said some crazy [ __ ] at the Republican oh he's losing his marals for
sure right well it's like it's tough because those John Wayne type guys they come from an era where you know men were manly and it was simple and it was black and white and it's just a different world now and you try to you you can't shake Clint was not going to not be that guy but the times dictate a different more layered approach to things I think he's missing a a substantial amount of what he used to have as a young man as far as his intuition on how to do things correctly and he just doesn't seem he didn't seem there it seemed like a big struggle to me that whole thing where he's bringing in John Voit yeah help me John I can't be up here by myself yeah it was there was something weird about it you know the just all the crazy talk about him being a conservative and the conservatives and we just try to you know play our cards closer to our vest like what are you getting wrapped up with are you do you really believe this narrative do you this or are you actually ping ATT to what you're supporting by being there pretending to talk to a chair like if you talk to the president like that he should beat the [ __ ] out of here he should box your ears who the [ __ ] are you to talk to the president like thatp incredbly disrespectful that whole [ __ ] thing was just negating none of it was putting out here's our real here's our plan for the economic recovery specifically all it was was tax cuts and more [ __ ] we're going to give you stuff that adds up to negative and yet they're selling it by by basically dismantling what already existed like everything was a negation there was no positive energy about it yeah it's a weird thing to watch this all play out to watch this Mitt Romney guy and to see this this whole situation it's really weird it's weird it's weird to watch it play out man this Paul Ryan dude has already been busted lying on all sorts of [ __ ] he said he ran a marathon in less than 3 hours y That's like world class they could they they timed it and it was 4 hours over four hours over four hours over an hour the New Yorker did this piece last month about this guy who was a Serial Marathon liar and he had a website about raising money for kids with [ __ ] Down syndrome and support him this guy is a dentist in a small town in Michigan who
everybody loves and he's got this whole reputation about being this marathon runner who's going to run in all 48 states in in the continental US and he's going to he's going to do a marathon each one he's going to post his his results well there started to be a couple questions about that he hadn't there was no pictures of him in the middle of certain races and there is a fearsome Marathon contingent that that tracks every single marathon and one of the things they have is there's chips and you have to you have to hit I think three chips during the race to to prevent the rosie Ruiz thing right from someone jumping in a car and someone pushes them so they went back and they looked at the chips he [ __ ] hit all of his chips in every one but then there's pictures of them in different outfits there's races where there's no pictures there was one race he actually made up what he just made up a race nobody he posted that he wanted to have a San Jose Marathon nobody responded so so he posted 10 W 10 people that finished in a certain time made up the names put him on the website and had him as the winner oh that's hilarious so he so anyway they unraveled it and it was just more like it was the piece was just about how people can get uh what is it called when you lie and you have no um you have no guilt about it um sociopathic sociopath like this is a sociopath about marathons everything else in his life was totally [ __ ] straight up good guy except this crazy and so the point being there was a very clear record with Paul Ryan of how long there's no discrepancy there's no you know he absolutely ran it in four hours and 10 minutes and said it that's still pretty [ __ ] good really they say that's average I think that's pretty good for a guy that looks like that it's like an 11 minute I'm amazed he didn't quit quit the the marathon yeah I'm amazed he made it through yeah it's a hard thing to do being I'm I'm amazed when anybody runs 26 miles but why lie about the time when 4 hours sounds still pretty [ __ ] good he's trying to pretend like he's like a super athlete well that's the problem is that if he lies about that to me it's it's a character thing period yeah what if he's lie about that what else is he going to
lie about his numbers for the economy are a [ __ ] joke they've been debunked by bipartisan committees in Congress because he introduced this whole new economic recovery plan and it was looked at and they said this is horeshit this does not add up but he had every Republican lined up because he was the new hot [ __ ] in in Congress when he came in as a junior Senator what is his strategy or his philosophy that he's going to do that's different what was his idea well it's real and and Rand is his guy so it's pure free market there's no regulations and you the you know the it's letting capitalism basically dictate everything and it's about getting rid of the safety net entirely he wants take apart Medicare he wants the entire new Health Care Program taken taken away he wants to privatize uh Social Security which again has been shown in study after study after study is a worst case scenario you're taking a fund of money that people have paid into with a very nominal uh broker with service fee you know built into a 0.04% or whatever and you're saying okay everyone grabed theirs give it to a broker who's going to take 5% you're bloating this one industry because they've lobbied you that's all that's all this is about Banks want to be able to get their hands on this money and crank up Commissions in in making the Investments for you that's all this boils down to I ran into a dude at one of my shows who uh is an Iraq war veteran and uh he went in he actually volunteered for uh the Army and then right after he volunteered um I don't remember which branch I said the Army I might be wrong but right after I think it was actually the Air Force right after he volunteered 911 happened so right afterwards he's going to war and uh he said that one of the first things that the United States government did was they printed Iraqi money just [ __ ] crazy amounts of it and just flooded the market with fake money and that's how you crush an economy wow isn't that amazing like if they wanted to crush our economy they would just make just put millions and millions of dollars like in the streets and people would go crazy and run out and buy Ferraris Ferraris would be worth nothing y do you think that happened here do you think that's could it happen here I yes
look the the the econom is not based on anything that's what the idea of a gold standard that's why it's supposed to make some sense and the idea though that you're you're going to be able to make something like a dollar bill that can't be reproduced by somebody with nefarious means yeah of course they're going to be able to figure that out man as technology gets better they're not going to be able to hold off that that whole print and press thing people are going to figure figure out how to make money to this day the uh I forget what the Iranian Iraqi currency is but the DAR I think yes exactly it is the lowest rated currency on the planet it's like a $100,000 per $1 what do you do then you have to start from scratch you have to start the whole civilization well you got to go to the gold standard I mean it it's you got to find something to tether it to yeah and then by then the military's in the streets and you're [ __ ] anyway just scramble yeah you know what's amazing is you're talking about Mesopotamia you're talking about the most fertile the origins of all civilization and it's a [ __ ] Zone it's amazing well I I've I think they're the townies of the world I think that's what it is they just been around too long yeah that's where civilization was invented so that that area that's is all the same [ __ ] who developed their civilization 6,000 years ago they just stayed everybody else is like these people are [ __ ] crazy they're throwing rocks at people for dancing let's get out of here so every other civilization branched off from that one part but they stayed they got yeah they got two story I got a double decka I'm [ __ ] renting out the upstairs to my parents do you uh when you go back to Ohio do you relate to townies or do you think that Ohio is like a better place to live do you go back and forth it's boring but I mean if I could have a humongous house you know and people live great there they everyone has my sister has two kids works as a hair stylist but she has a huge house and a huge yard so it just seems it's weird easier and more comfortable it's not as stressful it's not it's weird how much variation there is in in areas where you could buy a house variation in the money like you know I'm saying what you can get yeah
and you know another thing was is like when you walk to your car at night and when you do certain things you automatically feel safe out there like you could just sit there and just have money in your both of your your hands and walk to your car after going to a movie and no one would give a [ __ ] you remember that dude from that video that you made the dude who went to the one of your best videos by the way the Heckler the drunk Heckler in Columbus oh yeah remember that one yeah dude that was first of all that was a awesome video you made cuz you the way you edit it was so funny it was just the dude was so ridiculous but we missed the best part of the story because this guy who had his shirt off in my comedy show screaming yelling yeah yeah I came upstage and I hugged him it was like the most ridiculous [ __ ] of all time he was just like so hammered he was so crazy we ran into him at the end of the night face covered in blood shirtless just somebody beat the [ __ ] out of this guy and I looked at him and I looked at him sorry dude yeah we we didn't we didn't [ __ ] film it NE no one had anything on us we're like [ __ ] yeah I saw this dude I was in um I was in San Jose you ever do that [ __ ] club in San Jose The Improv oh yeah [ __ ] amazing I was supposed to do it sometime soon but the the the show got moved it was a for I was going to do uh the Friday night before a UFC that place is like a 500y old ancient theat 1903 Charlie Chaplain performed there Jesus and the Acoustics you don't even mic 500 years old I'm just making [ __ ] up but there weren't people in California 500 years ago stupid I know they what were the Aztecs doing a standup show isn't that weird that just 500 years ago there was no people and you go to Europe and you like talking about Iraq it's like they got that's a history yeah that San Jose Improv is one of the most beautiful Interiors like the the inside and the feel of it like it feels like a like a seasoned performance room yeah it's like a well-worn room and the guy that runs a gym is [ __ ] treated me great anyway professional bowler yes bad [ __ ] yeah he was a Vietnam vet too good dude too yeah yeah he uh he goes bowling and just [ __ ] people up apparently apparently he's like legit worldclass bowler and he'll go to Vegas and people
gamble in Vegas you know they get crazy they're out there on vacation let's go bowl a few frames they start talking [ __ ] and you know he comes over and he knows how to hustle them too he knows how to play their ego and wow he starts getting involved in a big gambling with some Knuckleheads and he he's come back with like sick money from gambling in Vegas yeah and he's such just [ __ ] cool guy just unabashedly the real deal cool just a cool guy yeah he's uh and you know he got [ __ ] man he went to Vietnam for three and A2 years came back did his 21 years in the Navy and and now he's like yeah I get 120 bucks a month and [ __ ] benefit he goes they cut all the benefits that you're promised and including like going to the VA Hospital get get your glasses Dental all that shit's gone how can they do that that's my what the [ __ ] you get you go to war you put your life on the line for the country you are [ __ ] taken care of period that that is the biggest travesty happening right now we had to do uh some UFC fights we did it for uh this um Institute for traumatic brain injury I believe it's called it was uh they're they're building some huge things so they had to raise money for it so the the UFC fights raised a lot of money for it but one of the things I was thinking of is how crazy is it that there's these billion dooll deals that these people like halberton or these companies rather like halberton get Billion Dollar Deals and in it somehow or another is not the money for these rehabilitation centers like that's insane the fact that they can profit off the war and not be giving anything back in the form of some at least you know do what what a Charity's doing at least do that I mean you're profiting from it the charity is stepping in that's exactly why it's privatized because the US government allows itself to be buffered from number one if there's a rape overseas it doesn't it does not get processed in US courts yeah they've got they've got all illegal people working the jobs they tell these girls in the Philippines halberton does through another agency that they get they're going to get a job doing hair styling and they're going to make 40 Grand a year they take them off and they're working at [ __ ] Burger King in the mid in the mid East sleeping in [ __ ] tankers and paying off the
money they had to pay to get over there for like five or six years before they make a dollar slavy yeah it's [ __ ] slavery slavery where they just they have it written down somewhere so it's like okay to do somehow or another it's it's not the US government because the US government is subcontracting to halberton so that you know any kind of uh any kind of U um lawsuit suits that come in don't they they don't touch the US government and so they so they're not paying out to the soldiers because they have no real relationship to them they figured out a way to do slavery without chains just make it so they can't leave just make I mean you might lose one or two every now and then but you can get them back you can get different ones and it's a a terrifying sort of a situation but that's like a lot of what's going on apparently in parts of the Middle East in like Dubai I heard that that gone on in some uh construction sites I think didn't Vice do a special on that I don't know they things Dubai brings in people from um I don't know I can't remember what country it is but they bring them in on these they're not even V they're like work visas that are like a week long and the second you're done with your work you're gone it's just you don't earn your way in and so it's something like you know 3ars of the workforce is not from that country and they just have these sprawling [ __ ] camps that people live in and then they kick them out as soon as they instantly no no coverage in accidents whatsoever um it's barbaric it's [ __ ] up too because again we're talking about the townies of the world so they really still are rocking it the same way they did a thousand years ago or several thousand years ago they really are rocking it like that they're just rocking it like that behind the rules I mean they really do still still have Kings and uh there was some peace on on on um that dude um who uh we had Brian on the podcast the other day David Seaman he had that's his real name powerful dude though he's a great guy that is his real name um and there was uh something that he had on his uh Twitter page it showed uh how CNN had some stories about the um Arab Spring Uprising in Bahrain and they decided not to uh air it and uh apparently Bahrain is [ __ ] up man people started to make
YouTube videos of it and put them online because there's not enough interest in you know there's so many everyone's aware of Saudi Arabia everyone's aware of you know what's happened in Egypt everyone's aware of Libya but a lot of people are not aware of bin so they're still trying to keep this one lock down and while everything else is going on but there's some horrific [ __ ] footage man and it's just government controlled media yeah man they're gunning people down they're trying to stop a civil Uprising you it's horrific stuff man horrific stuff and there's really graphic videos available online and our interest in the arage spring ended about a year ago people don't even know what's going on Syria is worse than any of it and people aren't even [ __ ] tracking that it's like we ah we already had Egypt we already had Libya we got our fill what people don't understand is the apocalypse is here it just hasn't reached California but the apocalypse if you're in Bahrain that's the apocalypse if friends are getting their heads blown off right next to you by sniper rifles that's the apocalypse I mean this is a civil war people are dying in the street the government is gunning down civilians I mean it's craziness but what about the places that like Egypt that now has democratically elected do they really isn't it the Muslim Brotherhood yeah they were voted in though vot in you know what they're not as bad as people think as they say they sound rather they sound scary you know what though it's one of those things where they're going to sneak it in they get in office everything's cool everybody gets a turkey at Thanksgiving two years later the women are all in [ __ ] potato sacks I wonder how much long that's going to work with the internet with the distribution of information that we have right now it's it's harder and harder to convince kids of of nonsense it's harder and harder it's just not the same sort of animal that was around when we grew up when we when we grew up you know even if you didn't believe in God it made no sense you hedged your bet you went along with everything and you know you if it is real I did all that [ __ ] I was supposed to do like even if you don't have a whole ton of faith in it you don't have the kind of access to or we didn't rather have the kind of access to
information that kids have today because if they have a question about anything like why is the sky blue they Google why is the sky blue I mean kids just are growing up doing that now so if they ever have a qu you can't just [ __ ] them notum ass uming the internet stays as free as it is now I mean you just by saying Google uh you know so many people get their information from two portals you got Wikipedia and Google and if those are you know Google is part of a multinational corporation and eventually they're going to Reign it in because of corporate sponsors or because the same pressure CNN gets to not put out stuff about bin any big company is is ultimately going to be affected by the people that are running it did you hear that some of those Elite hacker dudes hacked into a h an FBI laptop and found the names of 100 oh no 14 million uh Apple iOS users yeah yeah they found uh information on them and same with PlayStation 3 they cracked into that database and got all those names it's it's [ __ ] crazy and Xbox well because they challenged I think Xbox challenged them they said you'll never crack the I it was either PlayStation 3 or Xbox that challenged the hackers basically and it was over [ __ ] they can get through anything but the um the what was scary about it was uh that these you know this this whole hacker thing like really wasn't really recognized yeah yeah I mean when like when you see like that guy Uh Kevin mnik you know who that guy is hacker do you know who that guy is he was like a really famous hacker yeah he was a guy who at one point time they they offered him a job eventually at one of the big companies he would do like what's called phone freaking where you um phone freaking you like you you figure out like how to get um make calls through like a box that would send a tone down the line this is like the step one into like the hacking the system it's like back when dial tone phones came online when dial see before dial tones we all remember when you were a really little kid you had to spin that dial which is really like alien to people today but when you dial the number you go CU it was analog it was ridiculous and then they came out with the dial tone situation but what someone realized
somewhere along the line is that there's a computer or something interfacing on the other end that's responding to the tones and those tones represent a number so let's find out what those tones represent and then we could [ __ ] do whatever we want and have access to free unlimited longdistance calling cuz remember back then you couldn't get long distance long distance was hard yeah like if you dated a girl and she lived in the 508 you'd be like oh Jesus she lives way the [ __ ] over there it's long distance y and know any any sort of uh State crossing state lines long distance that was a long distance call your [ __ ] parents would scream at you are you on long distance it could be 10 miles away remember you used to have a a separate longdistance company too like like I had AT&T but I had Sprint as my long distance that's right Sprint could save you money do you remember when um they used to have it for cell phones where the long distance for cell phones was like super expensive crazy expens remember that was crazy you use a calling card which meant you had to punch in about 16 numbers before you put in the number you were calling yes exactly yeah I remember that but this uh this Kevin mittnik guy started out doing that and then eventually went to being some sort of a a full-blown hacker but to go from that to be able to experience what's going on right now must be like really incredible to to witness well there's a group uh that he's actually opposed to there's a group that identifies itself as the the something and they are an international web of hackers get off on doing it and they've done everything you're talking about LC is that what it's called that's one of them there's a bunch I don't think LC Anonymous yeah and he came out against anonymous because he for him cracking the codes was about the science it was about the art of doing it and these guys are much more into sabotage they have a political agenda you know they they out corporations and they blackmail them and so um you know the bottom line is you're never going to get the talent on the payrolls that is going to be out there because they're independent-minded people they're anti-establishment people they don't they don't want to be in a payroll because they don't they don't
want to be told what to do they offer they offered this guy a job and he went to Microsoft or one of those big companies for like six months they basically wanted him off the streets they wanted him in house and he just got bored and you [ __ ] left well that was the the the big issue was that why did the FBI have these 14 million iOS users information why they have that on their laptop like that's like what how much what to what extent ENT is spying already going on on almost every American civilian cuz it's probably gotten pretty [ __ ] crazy now do you feel like when you're making a text message that you're sending it to the government as well yeah they saw my dick they've seen me talk about [ __ ] farts they I mean like what I'm not worried about anything I understand that you're not worried about it but do you understand that giving people that kind of access to information is not it's not cool who are they why should we agree that they should be the ones who are allowed to look at all this stuff and be fair at this data I think that's ridiculous it's ridiculous to allow someone to be in that sort of voyerism or look at any of these hacking groups uh they those files when they H when people hacked like you know PlayStation and stuff like that if you were in the right circles You' be able to have that file you know and like you can download those what are you trying to say like it's it's if you wanted information like if you wanted all this information you yourself could get it right now if you went online like if you wanted all these people's PS3 names and numbers or o iOS 6 uh information you know the FBI got it online also you know there's torent websites that you can download all this information off there's torrent websites where you can download stolen information absolutely absolutely so what are these websites like this person's this FBI like guy he could have his job could have been like going to torrent websites and downloading [ __ ] you know he might have also had Beauty in the beast in 3D you know on his on on his laptop you know who who knows who cares I mean like if they're going to single you out they they're going to single you out I dude I completely appreciate your um you're not wanting to get upset at the experience
and like who gives a [ __ ] I'm not doing anything wrong but the real problem is you give people too much power and they [ __ ] abuse it and that's why there's all these psychological like fail safes that are set up into door system that you know you're not supposed to have too much power it's supposed to be like a whole checks and balances system to make sure the people don't get out of hand because they do naturally and if someone all of a sudden can check your phone someone all of a sudden can read all your emails they're going to yeah bottom line is right now that seems safe because there's no imminent threat but you see a guy like Rick Perry become president and load up the [ __ ] FBI and CIA with they're going to go we want the Christian values protected in this country and they're going to start going after the guys that put their dicks online and you're going to be [ __ ] you know I'm not going to be rounded up but you're they're going to take away and that's when Anonymous is way more intelligent than the government you know their hackers are way better than [ __ ] will take over you think that that will eventually happen it's a fascinating idea the idea that the civilization will be taken over through the internet and that the internet is because everything is going to be run through the internet they would figure out some way of having a a constantly changing code that you can never crack and they use it to just to manipulate wealth and then if you as long as you keep your [ __ ] together they keep everything running smooth yeah but look what we did to you know look what Israel did to Iran's uh internet you know they [ __ ] blew it up they were able to crack every you know we're talking about the most intense uh fir walls that that could be put up by you know a pretty wealthy country Iran and they got in there and they [ __ ] destroyed everything and I I think you're right there's got to be a faou safe in place for every country and an overall scheme I mean there's no way somebody's not had the foresight to put that stuff in mhm yeah it's kind of it's It's kind of amazing when you stop and think about the ultimate goal of all this stuff is to connect us all in some really [ __ ] strange way you know the ultimate goal of all this technology is that there's
not going to be any privacy in a decade it won't exist it' be something that we look back on when we were kids you're going to be able to go I want to rent this 6 foot like room or whatever uh 2 years ago at 3:15 7 you know uh here's the date you're going to be able to take the date the time and go I want to see video and hear sound of what happened in that room you know I bet you will be I bet eventually you will be well you know the idea that has been proposed is that if you get a computer that's strong enough and wrap your head around this because this is really hard to [ __ ] absorb that if you get a computer that's strong enough to record everything that has happened in this world like every person that exists in this world every business that's been created and put all of this into a data bank and extrapolate over a period of no more than you know x amount of days or hours that if this computer with given enough data giving the the knowing the characteristics of all these people which eventually there'll be no room there'll be no limitations when it comes to processing power and no limitations when it comes to storage space you literally will be able to store everything that ever happens and that this computer with just a few weeks of data might be able to go backwards mathematically and tell you the absolute accurate origins of of life on Earth that it might literally by studying things not just on a physical level but like on a subatomic level there might be enough information that they could figure out pretty accurately what happened like how a human being even came from the primordial slime how it got to be a human like it it might be able to show you the you know the the birth of culture and it might be able to show you with a with a supercomputer like what's caused all of this like what how like this start caused that and that caused this like it might be something that you could figure out mathematically well what's amazing is that how slow evolution is I mean you people think I mean physical Evolution takes so long you you can't even wrap your head around the amount of time that it would take for hair to not grow on your nose yeah you know I mean it you're talking [ __ ] millions of years of time for [ __ ] to really happen so it's you know not you know what's crazy not always man
one of the things that they're finding out is that in some instances it takes place much quicker than they expected like in the Congo the Congo is a rare spot because it used to be grasslands but then it became a rainforest pretty quickly and a lot of animals got trapped that are grasslands animals like antelopes and stuff they got trapped in the Congo and some of them learn how to [ __ ] swim there's a an animal that's an antelope I think it's called a Dyer and it swims and eats fish it can go underwat 100 yards I mean it's [ __ ] crazy this is an antelope man I mean it's adapted and evolved and if you look at all the the the animals that exist there's a BBC Congo documentary that I've uh brought up before if you can find it online get it it's [ __ ] Sensational it just shows you all the freaky [ __ ] that's in the Congo the birds and the lizards and the [ __ ] the fish that come out of the water and walk to the next Pond and jump in I mean that's [ __ ] nuts man that's it's it's a really really we weird spot in this world and exist there right now called it's just called Congo it's a BBC documentary on the Congo but these [ __ ] things have this is only happened over like a couple thousand years so they Wonder like when did this Antelope start swimming and eating fish like before it was out a little like almost like a little tiny deer running around but now it's eating fish like what the [ __ ] man like how [ __ ] like you know they got that nuclear power plant down the coast here and they they talk about the changes in the fish around there cuz there's a certain amount of heat that emanates from the uh Power Plant into the ocean and they say that there's been a change in uh the looks of some of the fish oh Jesus Christ there is I wonder what what happens if you eat I mean if I think it would be really bad for the fish to get all that radioactivity but how bad is it for you to eat like a radioactive halit well that's why they say Don't eat old fish don't eat [ __ ] tun stuff eat fish that lives and dies very quickly Salon because the longer they're around the more they're they're taking in UMX what is it yeah but specifically what's the metal that you arsenic's one of them no um Mercury Mercury yeah the longer they live the more Mercury goes in their
system I had uh I tested for high levels of arsenic from eating too many sardines no [ __ ] yeah I used to like to eat sardines I used to eat them like can a day sometimes too disgusting how you say disgusting but I enjoyed ITA smell why you trying to make me feel bad donal's breath come on get it I did Rosie o'donal's TV show she had a TV show in Oprah's network for a while yeah yeah how was it she very nice yeah yeah she nice she gave me a big hug and everything she's into conspiracy theories she has had a heart attack she oh yeah yeah yeah huge yeah she likes to talk 911 she likes to talk she's got some points she got some valid points hey she's always been honest I respect that she didn't send up any wacko Raider on my side you know I'm I'm one of those guys that uh I I'll listen to anybody anybody telling any crazy conspiracy theory I'll listen you know for the most part but I know when people are just like really reaching and she wasn't she's but she's you know she was on that show with like Elizabeth halfback who's like the really hot chick who like super Republican they would go to war about you know like Tower 7 and 911 conspiracies and yeah and she also said some [ __ ] didn't she defend uh uh what's his name Mel uh Gibson gibon I think she said that I forget not a fullon defense but but sort of like way more than he should have gotten like but here's the thing about I think being somebody who is an alter an alternate lifestyle person right is that you have to depart from the status quo to be who you really are and I think with that you get some clarity and some truth in your life that you can apply to other things conspiracy theories or whatever because she's she's different so I think once you're labeled different it freeze you in a way that's interesting yeah well she doesn't have to conform and she's a big lesbian everybody knows she's a lesbian she's powerful she got a lot of money chicks like her she gets hot chicks it's a tricky situation hey Brian did we freeze upm shows I'm I'm frozen up oh okay just came back when I asked you your video that's Voodoo yeah we were frozen a lot of people watch the video I don't know not as many um we just we it's probably we would do way better if we didn't even
have it true I I just released a podcast that was Audio Only all all of garden podcast yeah it it's called Ready ol of Garden butthole yeah it's called Olive Garden but that's the name of the podcast yeah and we actually record it live at the Olive Garden it's pretty stupid they let you do it we had a show the other day and these people brought Brian bread sticks from the Olive Garden in Olive Garden bag it's become the most ridiculous repetitive joke it's so silly but by the way how awesome was that [ __ ] show amazing dude both Friday and Saturday night with Doug Stan hope and and and Joey Dio and Ari so much fun we um we were supposed to do shows in Vegas and I was supposed to have a UFC in Vegas but uh the fight got canceled so we we moved it to the ice house that do do you go up there much besides uh when you do my shows there do you ever do weekends there I've never done it in my life got to got to it's the it's one of the best clubs ever it's so perfect it's just such an old season Place short [ __ ] like really uh low ceiling like really tight tight se but not deep it's perfect perfect I did I did some sort of a show I think George Lopez hosted it in 199 94 that was the first time I ever went to the ice house oh wait wait it was it 94 son what were you six was it a TV show they had a TV show for a while damn he was he was 20 and I was on stage at the ice house yeah doing some TV show yeah I did the show I think George Lopez didn't he wasn't he the host of it very Latino Club too isn't it not anymore no we wied up we whed the [ __ ] out of it yeah still a lot of Latinos yeah that area has got a lot of San Jose like but we brought in a lot of white boys yeah a lot of white kids just the right amount of Asian they said that there's a totally different uh vibe to the club now since we've been doing a lot of shows there which is great you know the the waiters and the people that work there are always complimenting the audiences yeah we we bring in a nice group of people we're Super Lucky and don't think that we don't appreciate the [ __ ] out of that cuz I know people that are scared of their audiences and they don't want to hang out with their audience they run from them yeah you know it's it's nice that uh you know like after the shows when we're always there talking I mean we've we've had
many nights where we stay till you know 1:30 in the morning no I remember the last one you stood out there and they it was really nice and orderly they sort of like people lined up they came in took a picture said hello yeah we just say but there a lot of it is cool conversations too like the guy who I told you the Iraq guy who told me uh you know about going over there and flooding the economy with money he told me the whole really interesting thing CU he was just a young kid who just [ __ ] [ __ ] up and joined and now here he is under this crazy you T but he was talking about how he was there and he was like you know talking to someone who is like a sergeant some guy had been there for a while and saying well you know we're over here to uh you know fight for freedom and all stuff and the guy goes what the [ __ ] are you talking about he goes we're here to get oil yeah and he was like what goes yeah we're here for the oil we got to control the oil that's why we're here they built a a pipe from Kosovo they already prepared for this yeah and he was like what mhm and he remembers you know talking about like he was talking about how he remembers that that was just like a shattering moment in his life he was like holy [ __ ] this isn't a movie yeah like this this this is crazy he volunteered for some nutty ass [ __ ] War well every [ __ ] War man every war that we've ever fought there's been another reason yeah but that one you know especially the people that joined after 9911 there's a lot of people that joined that really thought they were going to do a difference they really thought they were going to go straight [ __ ] war hero style and reclaim America yeah but don't you think that's true every war we've gotten into pretty much I said except Vietnam I think the reason why they had to draft people in Vietnam was because Vietnam was like super unpopular war that we probably never could get off today it just with with the internet you wouldn't be able to pull off that sort of golf of tonin incident they would have to actually have a real event they but they've done that before man you know Hitler did that Nero did that oh yeah the whole sinking of the lucania they say it was that happened 22 months before we declared war that was a that
was just an excuse we used because we were an emerging Nation we wanted to be one of the big boys and there was this war going on and we said [ __ ] if Germany wins we've been supplying uh we were making a ton of money supplying the uh the Allied Forces and if they lost we were never going to get they owed us [ __ ] billions in debt if they lost we weren't getting that money we went in there to hedge our bets and make sure that it went the right way yeah so we pretended the Lucitania was the reason we were going in a bunch of Americans were on a fery ship they got T let's get in there and they played played on the heartstrings and well before drones and missiles and highspeed aircrafts and all the [ __ ] that we have today you had to use strategy to win a war and strategy much like in chess involves sacrifice okay and there's no way to win a war if you're not willing to sacrifice some of your troops unless you understand that you're going to be a shitty General and you're going to make even more people die okay so the realities of War dictate that you do something unbelievably horrific and make sure that a certain amount of your people die Apocalypse Now the final words said by Marlon Brando he says do you think we're going to win this war and he goes we came in and we vaccinated a bunch of kids who who'd uh who'd been infected their arms or their legs have been infected with geng green or whatever and we inoculated them and the tribal Elders came back and when they found out we' done it they macheted off the limbs of all the children and that's when that's when Marl and Brando went the Hara he's like that's how you win a war when you're willing to do that you win the war yeah you got to be willing to take [ __ ] to the very very highest human level and that includes doing horrific things to your enemy I mean if you ever read the accounts of what the uh American soldiers did to American Indians to the Native Americans when they were you know trying to clear out land they did some horrendous thing they would wear like women's vaginas on their hats cut them yeah these are American soldiers yeah there's a lot of accounts of that kind of [ __ ] what is like hair pieces just put it on their hat you know just like they have a [ __ ] cowboy hat on just stick a woman's [ __ ] to their hat that they cut
off of an Indian that they butchered I would like a or a Native American I should say that like a fake mustache or something well I got I got into this uh this weird sort of uh uh Native uh American Fascination thing for a while and I was reading like a lot of [ __ ] about how just the different ways that the the the the people that migrated here started just killing them like I mean and how like these like people had no idea what the [ __ ] was coming I mean it's really an incredible amount of people were wiped out over a short period of time and it doesn't get nearly the amount of attention and respect like in our culture as as it deserves genocide yeah slavery gets a lot more because it was like just before we kind of like stop that sort of at the same time but you know it's really in a in a horrific thing when you really stop and look at the actual numbers of people that died well people look at the Germans and they've still got you know the stigma of the Nazis we end in 10 minutes we'll stay with the Germans forever but what you don't look at is you know what Great Britain did around the world whether you're talking about Africa Asia India you know what they the amount of people that died in the name of manifest destiny or Christianity you know the British are truly the per capita have committed more atrocities than any race in history and yet wasps in this country it doesn't get any better they are the most heralded there's no there's no racist jokes about the the the British true except their teeth you know that's it that's not bad not bad at all it's true vaginas too they have big vaginas because they have bigger heads so like their babies have bigger heads wow I didn't hear that part but yeah it's well what what's really incredible is that we're the byproduct of all that craziness all the the raping and pillaging and sword fighting and [ __ ] it's all come to you know Native Americans being killed and people trekking across and then boom here we are I mean we're at the very end of the time we're at the West Coast of California the United States the last spot that people settled in the Free World yeah this is the new world's Final Chapter I mean if you really stop and think about it there's no unless
Antarctica defrost and we start moving cities up there what if that becomes like the new cool place like the perfect weather happen Greenland you know all of a sudden Greenland became no Iceland became the place because it warmed the [ __ ] up and they there's hot chicks and everybody went it became like the the fastest growing economy in the world for a while yeah we have to accept the fact that this whole planet spins in a weird way and it goes through Cycles where [ __ ] gets really [ __ ] cold yeah and when that happens in your spot you got to move you can't be we can't be like completely dedicated to one spot that's ridiculous because you look at the history of the world they find these Megalodon teeth in Montana these giant shark teeth from this [ __ ] 80 foot long monster shark that used to live they find them in Montana that means Montana was the ocean yeah like you can't just say don't care about the ocean I'm staying here you can't it goes away it's going to get you you got it you can't if you're living in Malibu you're living in a [ __ ] dream okay those people that live like on the water good luck good luck good call you're at the edge are you that confident that the edge is going to stay there do you put your finger right near a fan every day that's how I feel like just living in La though oh yeah you're right I mean in a certain examp but I think that if the real the real thing happens like that like something that the water comes this far in you know we're are dead we're already dead well you look at like I was down in in Mexico at Easter and we were in uh you know um south of Cancun that whole that whole area yeah exactly that [ __ ] was you know we go into Cote days and you go down 100t and they're showing you in the caves all of these [ __ ] that you know that the ocean basically there was a tsunami that landed on that area and it took thousands of years for the water to drain through that land again and and it was just it was [ __ ] underwater they're they're finding hundreds of cities in Europe and in the in the oceans they're finding the remnants it's on a constant basis un like a you know it's it's happening I said hundreds but it's really been dozens but it has been like super frequent that they're finding more and
more of these ancient civilizations that are underwater yeah it's going to it's it's just going to happen it's just what it is the the the Earth doesn't give a [ __ ] about you remember there used to be the whole thing of like there's the lost city of Atlantis it's like no there's about a thousand of them yeah places that went underwater yeah there's so much underwater [ __ ] there's I mean and by the way how much [ __ ] is underwater I mean like what do you get like 10,000 years before the ocean changes it where you can never recognize it again how long does it actually stay with all those waves and [ __ ] happening how long before that stuff is unrecognizable how water which just their roads [ __ ] yeah sand and covered in sand and [ __ ] how [ __ ] many ships are out there what a terrifying way to die that must have been yeah you know get in a boat hit a Iceberg and then realize you are just [ __ ] days by boat from anywhere out in the middle of the ocean I dude I went I was Boogie boarding yesterday and I went too far out and big [ __ ] waves so I get [ __ ] slam first I'm going under these giant waves I mean these are like s foot waves and I start going under them and then which you normally can do but then it was [ __ ] sucking me and I'd spin so I do it like three or four times and I'm trying to go out past the waves so that I can get my air because I ain't getting in I look up and I'm [ __ ] like 50 yards Out w and I just start so then I finally catch one I take it a little bit and then I go under flipped around and now I can touch the sand but the waves are still [ __ ] Giant and so they're landing on me and I can't get under the wave so it's [ __ ] hitting me into the sand and spinning me and I can't get out so long story short I finally [ __ ] just scramble and there's a lifeguard Waist Deep coming at me and he's like dude are you all right he's like you got [ __ ] pounded and the thing is I he my wife there's a whole bunch of people watching me my family all my friends and [ __ ] and they're like were you scared and I was like I didn't have time it never occurred to me because I'm sure it's like when you fight if you stop and are scared for a second you just lost your [ __ ] ability to problem solve and then my back is on fire today and I realize how [ __ ] up I got well the
only way to stop that feeling is to get over it no I mean that feeling being in water and just getting like tossed and like you know like it just sucks if you haven't had an experience like that where you have to really operate under extreme pressure it can be really debilitating some people just immediately give up it it'ss really scary whereas some people find like surprising resolve it's a weird thing about human beings like how much your your mind is capable of doing five minutes [ __ ] and people are one way or the other yeah let's just wrap this up because uh we're running out of time at at three hours Ustream turns into a pumpkin was it three hours you [ __ ] we did it again holy [ __ ] yeah we do it every time fit Simmons I love it it's been a lot of fun buddy yeah you're I mean uh as as far as like people that I've known you like you're up there like one of the longest people I'm still in contact with in my life feels good yeah great buddy we're going to have some fun play some pool definitely powerful can I plug the [ __ ] out of my 1 hour special when is it ttwn New York September 14th at the music hall for let's do this as a promo code till uh till the uh 9th go to Fitz dog.com get tickets put in fitzdog and the promo code when you get your tickets $10 tickets tell your friends tell your family I got to jam this place two shows on a Friday night I'll be doing the best material I've been doing for 3 years [ __ ] nailed it down I'm ready I want you there to share it with me you look very confident my friend you look ready to rock and roll I feel ready GRE Sim is a very funny stand up he's been doing it like I said 20 what are we at 23 years now dude sounds about right something like that crazy yeah old school skills son so go check that out where's your website again fitzdog dcom Fitz and fitzdog radio is the podcast and go to Des Squad get TV and get yourself a juicy delicious TV T-shirt oh isn't it desad go to Des Squad and get a TV and I'm like what I have TV up the commercials that I make for you you silly [ __ ] go to Des squad. TV if you people ask where to get the um the uh Brian redband versions of the Des squad t-shirts they're all there the uh the one that I like I like the the cat and the new one but I like the thanks for knocking my sh shirt I'm not knocking it
I like your shirt but I don't like everything except I like this one part of it I'm just telling you what I like you want me to lie I'm telling you what I like you tell me what you like it's part of uh I've heard nothing but positive things about it me I love this free [ __ ] Riot shirt that I got right here but the cool thing about the shirt is that all the proceeds go to deathsquad.tv so I can pay for everything and that's what the shirt is about this squad. TV well you mean all the money goes to you is what you're trying to say so guess he pays for everything in this thing pays for everything in this thing I pay all never mind I don't I get to do okay so yeah the T-shirt goes right to the podcasts that I provide at deathsquad.tv and all the shows you heard that ladies and gentlemen uh thanks to h.com that's o n niit t uh makers of alpab brain New Mud shro Tech and the new hemp force with Maca and raw Coco go get some of that and um we will see you guys tomorrow with the great arri shaffir and we will see you guys Thursday with the great Rick Ross the real Rick Ross not that rapper dude but the actual guy so should be cool thank you guys we'll see you soon [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] yes