Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3euP8g3434A
[Music] ye Bert's already got the top off the Vodka I'm on a cleanse you're are oh you're on a cleanse yeah dude I'm down you ready for this yes a vodka cleanse well VOD is clear oh it's good for you yeah no it's clear anything clear that's my I don't know Joe I'm [ __ ] clear like tequila yeah Tequila's on the cleanse so is meth by the way meth's pretty clear right is the good stuff clear good meth and that's hard to come by these days um Ever Clear that's not good for you right that's clear acid moonshine that's clear you're this is a interesting it's it's a different approach to it cleans no I talked to you the other day I was 25.6 this is the most hilarious conversation Burke calls he goes I'm cleaning up my life that's it he goes I'm too heavy I I go what are you going to do he goes no more appetizers and he was serious I wasn't joking at all he serious like appetizers were what's doing you in I dude I Make It Rain appetizers when I sit down I'm like I go first of all every time what are your two best appetizers and they're like yep I go we want those why not right okay little little taster right and here's where I really gotten here's where the weight G really came on and anyone that really that's been working with me knows this I order two meals I order two meals because I like to eat like a king I'm not paying for it but so like you're not paying for it the Network's paying for it it's ohw so you're assuming like all your me that's how much you work man you you work so much most of your meals are paid for I haven't had I haven't paid for a meal in 11 months that's so crazy I've been on the road straight for 11 [ __ ] months dude nobody I know travels as much as you other than bour Dain maybe he's pretty close he's just travels with [ __ ] dick load and he goes to like well he goes to horrible places that are like really scary I think that's the reason he left travel champ channel is that they wouldn't let him go to those places I don't know um no no no I'm almost pretty certain really yeah cuz uh cuz CNN has a different set of insurance and travel channels insurance doesn't cover like their like dangerous kidnapping type [ __ ] it doesn't cover it
like you have to get your pretty much your own insurance almost his last episode he was in the Congo I haven't watched it yet but I saw the Congo and I was way too high to watch it I was like no don't can't do it no I did a Montana episode with him a couple weeks ago yeah we camped out too we did the full Montana experience we went pheasant hunting and uh then we camped out hung out by the fire got lit up it was fun so wait does he drink camping oh yeah really oh dude we went hard we went hard boozing weed everything we went hard Anthony Bourdain does not [ __ ] around you know what's really incredible that guy's addicted to jiujitsu it's like 90% of what he was talking about he just wanted to talk about Jiu-Jitsu he started when he was like 58 or 57 years old now he's 59 and he's just every day trains he trains when he's on the road he goes to these places like Boseman Montana and he finds like a local group of guys and he goes and rolls with these guys he's a mad man is didn't his uh wife get him into it yeah his wife is super into it super into it she's uh she's constantly training like I think she trains like twice a day every day wow yeah that's good for him man he he looks good he doesn't look like a he doesn't look like the way he should look he's one of the canaries in your in the mind yeah he looks a lot better than he looked just a few years ago he still smoking cigarettes no no he stopped when his daughter was born wow except for the occasional one he'll cheat you know I think but uh I don't even think he does that anymore now that he's uh doing Jiu-Jitsu I'm sure he does you know what happens with the Jiu-Jitsu world with the the lifestyle is you get those become your new friends like those become like and he becomes like a Jiu-Jitsu family and like they understand you more than other people understand you because they've choked you you know and you've you've gone to to battle together there's an intimacy when someone chokes you out like a bizarre like I held you in my hand yeah I couldn't let go of you and I decided to keep you yeah definitely there definitely something there and then it also like makes regular life seem kind of boring you know so they just get engulfed into that world and some people they wind up doing that to the point of
that becomes their job and they wind up teaching it I know a lot of people have left lucrative careers because they decided they wanted to start teaching Jiu-Jitsu yeah they just got into it a lot they were doing it they started teaching private lessons and then they just downsized and started doing Jiu-Jitsu like this is just so much more fun than being some guy trying to climb the corporate ladder no is there um I know that in like most martial arts there's like a spiritual message is there any like kind of spiritual guidelines in through Jiu-Jitsu well there are in different schools you know depending on um who's teaching you and how they how how they approach it but there's as a overall in the art of Jiu-Jitsu and I call it an art because it really is an art it's like there's it's techniques and it's it's a martial art it's the most most martial or the most art of martial arts in my op my opinion because it's the most uh open to creativity like guys like Eddie Bravo is the best example of that because he's such a creative guy he's invented so many moves and so many Transitions and Pathways and name them and they're really unique so if like you roll with him you literally don't know what he's doing if you roll with the standard Jiu-Jitsu guy even if uh you're really good like if you there's like there's certain guys like a hick and Gracie for example who does the basics all of the basics of jiujitsu but does them to a level of Mastery that you cannot comprehend until you train with him and you when you train with him you will just go all that other stuff is nonsense you just need straight Jiu-Jitsu you know from the mother ship from Alo gracian and Carlos Gracie that's all you need just razor sharp that [ __ ] hoder Gracie is like that henzo is like that they they mostly just do the basics but to a level of Mastery that's incomprehensible to the average person but then there's a bunch of guys that are super creative like Jeff Glover the guy that we were talking about the other day he's one of them Bravo Eddie Bravo is one of them of course and there's a bunch of other guys out there too um Eddie cumins who's uh student of this guy um John Doner who's probably the most creative of all the the teachers or one of the most creative next to Eddie
um and he's like got this crazy leg lock game that they're all learning so they're all learning this like super complicated leg lock game from this guy who was like a philosophy PhD major that's what he was doing he was like studying philosophy and working as a bouncer and he got into Jiu-Jitsu because he wanted to learn how to defend himself because all these fights would happen when people were drunk and then he just became obsessed with jiu-jitsu and now he's like one of the most sought-after Jiu-Jitsu coaches in the world like Geor St Pierre used to use him and he teaches at henel graci's Academy in New York so it's like there's like this real underground like it's it's not what everybody thinks it is people think of it as being like Meatheads and like these like really uh muscled up dudes with tattoos on their necks it's not there's a lot of those guys in there too but what it really is is this crazy problem solving game that's going on that everybody's playing with their body this is going to sound like a really silly question but if like if you if if say Eddie Bravo say you picked a fight with Eddie Bravo and he was forced to kick your ass would there' be at some point when you woke up the next day that you'd remember something he did to you artistically and be like damn that was beautiful well yeah well we Spar if we would Spar Eddie would do [ __ ] to me and I would go what what did you how'd you set that up what did I do wrong and like he's always teaching like he doesn't hide anything from his students yeah he's always trying to get them so that they tap him like he gets tapped by students but he considers it a good thing it's like I taught this guy so well that he can get me you need that if you don't have that it's like don't you agree that as standup comedians we need to be around Killers like you need to be around Diaz you need to be around guys like Burr like when you're around all these killers it makes you up your game I told you that the day after we were all at The Comedy Store uh and you had the joke about uh Bruce Jenner the gargoyle and I was [ __ ] howling in the back and I and I'm I don't know if I told you this part but I will tell you right now and then I went up in between you and Burr
and Burr went up after me and just seamlessly destroyed then you went up and just seamlessly destroyed after him and I got I woke up the next morning I told I said I'm [ __ ] bummed I'm not I'm not like I'm not writing the way these guys are writing like I'm I feel like I'm I'm slow I'm not I I feel clumsy on stage I feel like I feel like I should I and then Liam was like hold on hold on you're talking about Joe and Bill two of the best comedians in the world so don't hold yourself to that standard but use that use that inspiration by watching the best to say to yourself well [ __ ] I can be better like that's if that's what you're saying yeah well I always feel like that you always got to feel like you could be better right I mean always do are those low-l [ __ ] Who come out of a club and they're like just lit that room on [ __ ] fire and you're like I don't know what fight you saw but I saw you get kind of [ __ ] up against the ropes like that was New York is was when I was there was filled with that guys that walk out [ __ ] destroyed that [ __ ] in the beginning I think that's like a defense mechanism the guys put on if you talk to most Comics most Comics are not happy with their act do you think yeah seriously people that are good people are good good yeah there's always like these moments where you're like God I got to fix this I got to tighten that up I got to it's the guys that are like super confident about oh my act's perfect right now like your act's dog [ __ ] you know that's like it's just a there's a like a high level of scrutiny that you have to give yourself and give what you're doing and you know does it's like there's a lot of bits that just don't ever work they just NE you got to eventually gotta f throw them in the garbage they don't like you're like God damn it there's something in here and you just Hammer at it and try to turn into a sword but nope it's just a latal it's a ladle it's going to stay a ladle it just never works it's just stupid thing that you very rarely use and it's just like might have worked a couple of times on stage in certain places but it's just can't figure out the transition and then there's other bits that you like you piler you take chunks of them and you create other bits with them and it turns out that they're a
better mine than they are like an entity yeah they're better for like mining ideas that's how that happens all the time where you have a bit and you're into the bit but it turns out the the best part about it is like a side thing you know like a little side path that you take while you're creating it yeah I like it more than I've ever liked it stand up more than ever it's so much fun man you know especially like right now cuz uh it's a year after my last special and I have like a full set now and now I'm just trying to make it good trying to add to it and cut away from it but it's like I I'm I'm working with you know a full hour 20 minutes of new stuff so it's all I pretty much have what I need to turn into a like a weapon now now I have to like hone it and sharpen it it's super exciting man because it's nerve wracking and you know and you're doing a lot of sets and you're [ __ ] around in different places and just never been more excited about it so much fun I'm the I'm the not the oppos but like I get I have a hard time I I I like the [ __ ] of creativity I like the [ __ ] of impulse I don't like to I don't like to be in a relationship with creativity so like I don't I'm not I don't want to meet create I like the moment where you get an idea you meet it at the bar and you [ __ ] take it home and you [ __ ] it up against a wall and then you walk out and you're like I'll never call that idea again I love that like so you mean like in the moment like on a show improvisation is that what you mean yeah I love when you come up with that idea and I and I walk away I love that that almost like I used to call I used to call it the angel share of like it wasn't a bit it was just happened or or you or or what happens to me a lot of times I'll come up with a bit and I'll kind of h i I'll [ __ ] it one night I won't make a relationship out of it and then I'll just use it I'll be like okay I'm not gonna I don't want to [ __ ] with that I'm bored like I want the I want the new next thing right I'm I'm a commitment phobe with material like I run I tear through material so quickly that I just go like and maybe it's cuz it's not that good or maybe it's cuz I'm not focusing on it but I don't really have a lot of the passion to f focus on it and literally toil with a bit like I get really kind of disconnected
sometimes on stage like I tell the machine story now and I'm a second second I say when I was 22 years old I [ __ ] feel a weight on my shoulders like [ __ ] this is 12 minutes we were talking about this the other day like you should just get that on a video like get that and put it on a Netflix thing or something and then just release it so you don't have to do it anymore yeah I'm we're we're negotiating that I what you what you talked about I brought up yeah if you and if you do that man like then like maybe a year from now someone to ask him tell the machine and I'll Be Inspired yeah it'll it'll still be fun yeah but yeah you can tell a story even a great story like that story you can tell it too many times and just it just go goes away from you doesn't mean anything the noises it's like you know like it it's if you ever say [ __ ] around your grandma it's like whoa it sounds so harsh you know like oh my God you know but if you say [ __ ] to us we say [ __ ] around each other so often it's just like the or end or but it's just normal there's no usual registration of it you know I think that's the same thing with a story if you tell a story so much that doesn't that doesn't register anymore even though if you heard it for the first time You' be like what like the first time you told me that story I was like what what the [ __ ] are you doing no it was just it's filled with no it's it's a chaos filled story it's an awesome story so but if you you know you [ __ ] too many times yeah that's where I'm at right now hey get bored right just a chatching [ __ ] in a [ __ ] tent and [ __ ] miners are just running trains on it cigarette breath come on you want to [ __ ] One More Time come on machine you show me you show me you have to change oil there is a great moment though when you tell that story and I have no passion about telling it but I tell it and then this this like couple that just doesn't seem like they'd ever like me just come out and they're like that was [ __ ] amazing and you're like you forget it exactly Daniel to told me this he goes you have no idea how many people don't know who you are like the concept of like you think everyone's heard the story everyone's heard the story [ __ ] I would say at least at least 80% of every room I sell out or I sell or I sell you know in a club hasn't
heard me like hasn't heard that story at least Live Well you got to think about how many people there are to listen to nowadays too you know like for them to know even if they catch one of your podcasts like you've been on this podcast like six seven times something like that if they catch one of them it might not have the machine story in it so they might think you're the best and they don't even know that story I uh I met a guy on a plane going going to Japan who's A [ __ ] massive fan he had the shirt on and I this is how how [ __ ] disconnected I am with life sometimes I just like see the JRE shirt and I'm like just I'll walk by him slow and he'll be like machine like in my head I really thought that that's ego whatever I'll be honest and uh I make contact with the guy and the guy goes hi and I was like hey you and you look like a bear look a big gay bear and we're on a [ __ ] 13-hour flight In First Class like they're sleep I'm like hey he's like hey and then I'm like and then I did it like twice like I I was like wait maybe I maybe I just got to do my laugh I don't like or whatever no but no but in my head I'm like I'm like this this is so or drunk [ __ ] drunk Joe so maybe I should do my laugh and so and so then oh my God and so then finally like on the third walk by I'm like uh I'm like hey man Rogan Experience and he's like like [ __ ] yeah man and I was like yep he was like you listen to it and I was like yeah I have definitely and in my head I was like I got to be honest I have like [ __ ] five backloaded for this flight I was like yeah which ones do you have loaded and I forget what we talked about that she just said you should get Bert ker he's amazing do you know who bur Cryer is you don't even oh my god oh the machine it's the best story ever do you got to turn it on so uh and then I finally said to him I was like I've I've I've been on the podcast he's like really who are you I said ber chrys he's like oh cool he's like I don't get to everyone I'm really into the mixed Marshal artists I was like oh cool and so and then I was like well I'll tell you who you should listen to and I was like Have you listened to Duncan or Joey or Ari and he's like I've heard Ari I know Joey I don't know Dunc like he just was like he was a mixed martial artist
fan right and he was ripped too what does dick taste like yeah salty it was a flight to Japan I put Wasabi on it oh wow someone's done that oh I guarantee you for sure someone such a dick that's cated in wasabi it's definitely happened after listening to that humiliation oh yeah was that bizarre I [ __ ] couldn't turn it off I think that was the shortest podcast we ever did it was like an hour she was very nice it wasn't her fault she was a humiliatrix yeah I know very well-known one of those where she like steps on guy balls with high heels no this girl doesn't do that she doesn't do anything in person she does it all over the internet all over the phone and all over like she sends them things and they like they pay for her poop and her fingernails and [ __ ] like dirty stinks yeah yeah stinky socks and stuff they pay for underwear yeah I I could understand the underwear one well it's all sorts of weird [ __ ] too like they'll film themselves doing awful things like getting [ __ ] by guys and they send it to her and then she holds it and threatens to Blackmail them and then they get suicidal or they but they want this they request this like she would never release it it's really interesting she's very smart and she was a very nice person she like didn't seem like the type of person that would do that she's very intelligent like you have a great conversation with her she was it was it was the thing that she said that was interesting to me was and I and I I've for her bird I was with the dominatrix for a day so I was like full-blown with a Dominatrix and what was really fascinating is they said something about that first sexual experience you have it sets an imprint for who you're going to be sexually yeah and I remember the first thing I ever [ __ ] saw was uh on Fletcher Avenue near this pizza shop it was old news stand and my sister picked up a magazine that was bondage and showed it to me and was like like [ __ ] full-blown bondage and I was like what I was like maybe first grade I was like what the [ __ ] when I went to this dominatrix in like 19 no 2001 is when I went and did an episode she said uh should check out some of my stuff we're just bullshitting mistress Isabella already had her on his podcast
too she's like you should check out some of my stuff and gave me a bunch of videos and I put in one and dude one thing just like [ __ ] like the rubber gloves up to the shoulders with the bootier and I was literally it brought me back to that point and I had this [ __ ] it's like rediscovering a like [ __ ] like I was like holy [ __ ] really oh so it imprinted in you during that formative age so you've had an actual experience yeah so what what what age were you again probably I'm I'm going to say six I'm going to say probably first grade before first grade around first grade when was it that you saw it again 28 years old wow so 22 years later or something like that 22 years later and by the way I'd never been tied up i' never tied up a girl I'd never been in but i' never I'd never done any of that [ __ ] i' never been leather or like or like been leather like been leathered up ored up yeah no you know like I never been any I've like a meat and potatoes [ __ ] like like I go in I have sacks maybe a couple positions but that's it mhm and uh and man I saw this and I was like it [ __ ] hit a switch and I was like what the [ __ ] but you liked it I liked it I thought it was hot who like have you ever looked at like uh tell the misses yeah yeah she knows I had M Isabelle at my house I was [ __ ] I wish my wife would get into that not interested to know huh no not at all unless it chicks with kids do not want to get tied up that's just a fact [ __ ] not at all what happened they used to love that [ __ ] because now they they're a mom there's something that happens it switches it's it's very hard to describe um I think you know a little bit of it because you're a dad and when you become a dad you switch from just being a guy to a dad and it's it's a very real switch but I don't think it's nearly as gigantic as the switch that goes off inside of a woman when she actually grows the baby in her body and then gives birth to it and then is insanely responsible for that baby and they they love them to a level that like you compare the way you love your kids to the way someone says oh my God I love my cat you're like you don't even know what the [ __ ] love is you you think a cat is like I can love a cat openly and pure
shut the [ __ ] up shut up shut up if you had a kid it would be different there's there's an intense and I don't even necessarily say that this is like a moral choice that you make that it's different I think there's some insane biological switches that go off that are undeniable you know there's a this connection between oxytocin and and kids and that you look at the kids and you your brain produces oxytocin which is this love feeling there's like all sorts of weird [ __ ] that goes on I think that for a woman and not all women cuz some there's women that are have that do porn that have babies they have families and they have they you know they've given birth and then they go and just get gang bang by giant dicks and they love it they love it you think they love it I don't know they say they love it I no reason to believe they're lying and I don't want to ruin it I don't I don't know they say they love it I I think there's a lot of different people in the world man think about a guy like you and some some guy who's like really in into uh accounting you know there's got to be someone out there that enjoys doing people's books there's got to be some no I enjoy it there's got to be someone out there that does that that's a real person so if there's a real person out there of course there's a real person who wants to pay for Sarah Lynch's [ __ ] or you know some real person who can do stand-up comedy like people are [ __ ] weird we vary so much yeah we vary so much I mean that's why there's so many different types of music and so many different types of movies and just human beings are [ __ ] very strange but one big thing that does happen with a lot of them is they they have kids and they change [ __ ] really change like I [ __ ] night and day I don't even know the guy I was before trying to get lap dances and like undo my zipper with your butt cheeks that kind of guy I don't even [ __ ] know that guy anymore I know that guy I've been drunk with that guy I'll introduce you to him next time time we get drunk again hey Bert this is your other Bert this is the original Bert he's still here he's just dormant he like some alien virus I always think if someone videotaped me jerking off it would go like you like those uh the eye things
and the max I was like someone's got to be able to get in there already have sure they have and if they've done that I'm just putting out the numbers of the Honeypot I got to be folded in there somewhere you just have to go all in I found the other day I noticed my light was on and then I was like frantically looking through all my programs to see which one was using my webcam none of them were and now I'm like all right you know what how long has this been going on I've just straight been masturbating for these people for like a long time you just have to accept it that they've seen you come many times bad man it's probably fun for them imagine be able to hack into your laptop and watch the machine jerk off sitting crisscross applesauce on a with a with a picking your toes with a with no pausing in between jerk same every [ __ ] time not sure if I want to know this I'll tell you crisscross applesauce on a mattress that's how you do it yeah you always sit like a like a style Chris criss cross apple sauce you ever hear boss's joke about sitting Indian style no h when I was in first grade the teacher told me and said Indian style so I got drunk and laid in the curb [ __ ] love Rich boss for the uninitiated what exactly is crisscross applesauce sitting with your legs sitting Indian style was what we called it his kids oh and so then uh and then uh why do you remember that what what do you mean why do I remember that cuz he has kids SAU oh cuz I have kids you can't say you can't say like Indian style yeah you can't say said Indian you can't say gy you can't say like that's right gy is gypsies yeah and they're [ __ ] in La they are oh God yeah man Caravans [ __ ] no they're they're like these Russian gypsies like lower these Ukrainian gypsies living there and you cannot get them to [ __ ] obey traffic laws at all like really yeah yeah you I do like safety violate for our school they'll come rolling in just in just and just don't give a [ __ ] about anyone and you you can't tell them anything they just start [ __ ] yelling at you and they literally don't give a [ __ ] is that your daughter School my daughter both of my daughter school I ran into a black security guard why is he got to be black cuz he [ __ ] was and so and so because you wouldn't say I ran into a white
security guard yeah I wouldn't I just say I ran into a security guard was Mexican I rather say Mexican cuz cuz I'm about to do his accent so I I definely be like so he just goes man these [ __ ] don't listen to [ __ ] I ain't racist to nothing but [ __ ] [ __ ] these Russian [ __ ] and I was like real I was like I I but I get it man they come from a much harsher harsher place a place where you had to fight for [ __ ] toilet paper and then you come here and you're like soft oh everyone's soft yeah soft little holes in our top of our head still oh baby and the Russians just [ __ ] just [ __ ] these red lights [ __ ] red lights yeah the word jip is a weird one cuz I I never even knew what that mean meant until I realized like only like a decade ago like oh yeah Gypsy oh you know thean got lit up for saying one cotton pick a minute wait one one wait one cotton pick a minute what what yep someone they still pick cotton though who who did this just a mom mom a overly politically correct mom just excuse me I'd appreciate if you didn't use that kind of language L was like wait hold on what you talking about cuz like there's things where we said when kids like you call people nines well I think that what's a nin a nin is a I think it's a derivative of pick a nin which is a derivative of a young small black kid from the islands so but we got called nines all growing up and I still say N I didn't know that one and so Leanne was like cotton pick a minute and they're like cotton pick and Min has to do something with black people and Lan's like and by the way Lan's been saying it her whole life and never and she my wife's a redneck but had never heard that phrase right and and like heard knew the definition she just knew that was a phrase so we looked it up turns out a cotton pick a minute has nothing to do with race it has to do with the fact that cotton is the most tedious crop to pick in the world so if you picked cotton for one minute it would feel like a year yeah so when you say wait what cotton pick a minute it says wait a little longer than a minute wait one wait a long [ __ ] minute right and so but the man you I I everyone's so quick to be up and [ __ ] outraged well they're just looking for an opportunity to be outraged I can't imagine that she
was actually upset at someone saying one cotton pick a minute oh I can't imagine that yeah that's dumb it's not just dumb it's it's a sign of the times we live in this time where there's a bunch of people out there that think they're doing good that they're good people because they call people out and they shame people you know it's it's so arbitrary what you decide is negative and what other people it's all about intent right and when you say say one cotton pick a minute who the [ __ ] is thinking about racism who's thinking a racist thought when you say that it's just a nice way saying one [ __ ] minute is what it is yeah yeah that chick was the racist for even putting the two together with that c she's just a dummy there's a lot of them out there there's a lot of politically correct dummies like here's here's one that's super common that everybody wants to use you know the term [ __ ] is a terrible term to use for gay folks it's okay though I I I'm going to you start this terrible term right I'm going to have to say that that that has backfired cuz that word is now aged like a fine wine it's a beautiful we were thrown around way too much as kids and now you only hear it on special occasions and so you just saying that caught me so [ __ ] off guard I was like [ __ ] man I haven't heard that like the machine story and'll make a comeback but to to call someone that for being gay is a terrible thing to do right it is a slur it's a terrible thing to do but to call someone that for being just a [ __ ] is what we always did as kids well we can't do that anymore because it's so problematic it's too connected with that other word but one of the things that drives me crazy is when they you know the what is the ET entomology what's the word etymology atmology right when the the the history of the origins of the word they always like to say that it's about a bundle of wood because they used to light gay people on fire that was on Louis show he repeated this false myth that's not what it meant abund of wood meant you were when they called you it was all it was like a burdensome woman that's the way they described it like a bundle of wood is like something you had to carry that was like really awkward and a pain the ass so that was a [ __ ] of wood so when you were acting like a like a painy ass
woman like you would be a [ __ ] you would be a bundle of wood that's such a pain to carry around you would be awkward and annoying that's the origins of the word so how did it get connected to gay people it sounds great that it was because they used to light people on fire oh my God you're a victim yes I am so don't ever use that word again it's so hurtful people died and sure people have definitely died from being gay but that's not the origins of that word [ __ ] makes me angry it's not like the whole world was lighting gay people on fire at one point like it was a sport so much that it became a name you connected them we just call gay people kerosene no that's not true that's not what it was it was a a bundle of wood was also like a burdensome woman that's the way they used to describe it you can like you can look up the origins of the word that makes so much more sense for using it as kids when you called your friend a b a burdensome burdensome woman yeah you called taking forever you [ __ ] exactly yeah or you stop crying [ __ ] like that's that's has nothing to do with homosexuality the the homosexuality aspect of it was calling someone that if they're gay as a slur because if you think of like the stereotypical gay man like that gets mocked it's like the oh my God you know the like really fem and feminine which would be like a burdensome woman so that's why they would call those gay guys that slur holy [ __ ] man West Hollywood's like a [ __ ] of gays right a bundle of gays yes if you wanted to use it for the original word I would start dropping that in grouping out things well I'll take a [ __ ] of carrots it became a cigarette I'm not butchering that right look that up make sure I'm not butchering that I'm 99% sure I'm not but it's also somehow a [ __ ] became a cigarette and that was a big one in England like in England they still say that can I call a [ __ ] and they do that to each other and it has no no context there's nothing gay about it at all it's like their word for that just you know it's different like Fanny for them is a vagina so if you have a fanny pack I I wear a fanny pack they mock me hardcore you you have a vag vagina pack do you know what you're saying you have a vagina pack that's amazing that they say do you know what you're saying yeah they clearly fatty pack yeah no no no
it's a bum bag it's a bum bag that's what they call them over there they call them bum bags [ __ ] yeah but what the real problem with all this stuff is these forbidden words and taboo words is words not aren't what's important it's intent and if you go around policing the world and stopping words from being used you don't change people's intent you don't do anything but be annoying that's all you're doing you're being an annoying person who is the voice of moral outrage excuse me I I would appreciate if you didn't say cotton picking minute because you know that black people pick cotton your white privilege doesn't allow you to say the black people pick C do you know what you're saying do you know what you're saying you [ __ ] racist oh my God you're racist I'm going to shame you I'm going to blog and they run home to their Tumblr account and blog about your wife and lie about it oh yeah exaggerate everybody's a [ __ ] victim today it's just to exaggerate to such an extreme extent it's like it's so tiresome it's like stop and the reason why they do it is because it gets attention gets attention that woman now your wife had to talk to that woman what and your wife had to defend herself what me huh racist and that woman's like my wife's one of those people like uh like the guy that ran Formula 1 in Britain which one there's a guy that ran Formula 1 in Britain that got caught in this like sex scheme the sex thing your wife's a pimp no no no no no it's a I read a book on shame on public shaming and there's all these examples and there's this one guy whose dad was a famous na Like A Nazi sympathizer and then he got caught in these SNM things where it looked like he was a Nazi and it was like the people were going to [ __ ] slam him and it said in the book The only way to get through public shaming is to not give a [ __ ] about the shaming like if you're if you don't if you're like you can't shame me cuz I don't give a [ __ ] is that funny with this Charlie Sheen story cuz that's how Charlie Sheen got through everything up until now not giving a [ __ ] up until sucking a dick then it's like hey I really hey hey whoa whoa I'll give you money so he did suck a dude's dick allegedly I thought there a video you're getting everything
third fourth hand who the [ __ ] knows what really happened allegedly there's a video I don't know I don't know I haven't seen it but the point being is that he always owned up to everything he did up until this yeah everything he did up until this was like who gives a [ __ ] oh well that's me tiger blood winning you know Tiger Blood quote unquote now now you know I mean he went on Matt low is that what it was and said that he had HIV but you know what HIV is a weird one dude because medication that they have today is so effective you you take HIV medic and it doesn't even show up in your blood I'd rather have that than Heep C oh my God there's so many it's got this stigma attached to it right but there's so many diseases that kill people that are quicker than that like women die from HPV which is like super common Papa virus yeah women get cancer from that they can get cancer from that and they can die from that that's way more common than a a guy with HIV in the western world who finds out about it gets diagnosed and start taking medication way more common for a woman to die from that than it is for the guy to die from the HIV in 2015 2015 is an amazing time to have HIV you want to go Get It Go Get It Go Get It you want it it's like it's they've they don't have it licked in the point where they licked where they have an injection that they can give you that cures it but they they have medication that make it undetectable yeah him not telling the girls though do you think that's uh I mean that's pretty [ __ ] up right that's that's prison time um it's definitely not nice it's definitely not nice I just feel like I mean I had to do the triangle like oh [ __ ] did I sleep with somebody that slept with somebody that might have slept with him you know I it I don't think you can get it that way there's very little evidence that a man can get it through normal heterosexual intercourse herpes outbreak in her period [ __ ] I've been saying by the way I've been saying this for [ __ ] years yeah it's not politically correct to say but there's very little evidence here's the deal if you could if it was easy to get I'm not saying it's impossible to get because I'm obviously not a doctor and an idiot but I think if it was if it was possible or easy to get Jesus Christ
everybody would have it Ron Jeremy would have it well that's what everybody was worried about in the 1990s when when AIDS started the its rampant rage through the the public eye everybody was scared that everybody was going to have it I I had my first AIDS test in '92 it was HIV test I guess uh I was getting uh insurance and I had to get an AIDS test I was like oh my God I was [ __ ] terrified terrified terrified and when it came back clean I was like yes cuz you don't know think all the times you got drunk and didn't use a condom and who knows what that girl had and who knows what it's just like there's no if if if it really was something that normal heterosexual men got through normal intercourse the way it's been described to me by medical professionals obviously not by Knuckleheads on the internet but it's just really difficult to get that because I'm man is injecting his dick inside of a girl and coming in a girl a woman's vagina on the other hand is an excellent candidate for reception because it's moist in there it's it's essentially open tissue you know you you can it's it's like that's why like some girls take drugs that way that's why people take drugs anally too why you take like an anal suppository like dudes take ecstasy anally they take an ecstasy pill and stuff it up their ass and it'll melt down break down and get into their bloodstream yeah they people do uh people DM drinking can kill you can kill you because it goes through right in your blood yeah that's real dangerous man because it's not going through your stomach you can get [ __ ] up from putting like alcohol like that vodka your [ __ ] vodka vodka tampons right vodka tampons girls soak tampons and vodka and stuff them their [ __ ] and then go to the club and get lit but they have fresh minty breath their breath is perfect go back to this go back to this AIDS thing I had some people one night and I was drunk I was in Atlanta but I had some people from the CDC at my show and they were saying exactly what you're saying to me yeah because I said something about I don't I forget the I I'm sure I made a joke and they came out and they like set me straight they're like listen it's very oh my first the this is not it's not worth telling but one of the I got an AE test in 95 and uh and one of the
first jokes I ever wrote ever before I was a comedian I remember waiting the results and saying think positive no no think negative think negative no think positive or think negative like I was and I was like I was waiting in the waiting room and I thought that's funny like you want a positive result but you want a negative positive result and I was joking in my head I said that to then they came out and they said no you they exactly what you just said yeah it's very hard to get apparently and this is just this seems to be a consensus I wouldn't say something like this to try to encourage people to not use condoms but it just seems like through now gay sex on the other hand if you're having gay anal sex same thing you're dealing with like open tissue it's it's not skin it's not the same you know it's not the same as the skin on the out if you come on someone's back I'm pretty sure they're not going to get AIDS but if you come in their butthole and you've got the HIV yeah weird things can happen skin on skin man I think there's a lot of scary diseases out there man I think uh we're super lucky that we live live in this amazing time as far as like modern medicine and what they can figure out and not figure out but it's always going to be weirdest when diseases come through sex because like Ebola is scary as [ __ ] and malaria is the scariest of all time malaria has killed ready for this is a fact malaria has killed half of the people that have ever died ever what yep half the people that have ever died on the planet Earth ever were killed by malaria out of all the reasons why people died car accidents plane crashes AIDS answer malaria killed half of the people that have ever died ever uh how's that possible because malaria is a [ __ ] malaria kills millions of people we just don't hear about it because we don't get malaria in California we don't get malaria in America but if you're in Africa you are [ __ ] terrified of malaria well hold on black okay this is not a fact that I'm sure is right but black people with sickle cell anemia veloped the CLE cell Gene to defend against malaria correct whoa I never heard that before uh Jamie can someone help me find type in CLE cell malaria wow that's interesting if true it's something to do with the CLE
cell uh Gene is what is what protects black people in Africa from malaria because the body tried to Def fight it I only know this cuz when we were traveling to Africa we had to take malaria pills and they [ __ ] me up they really [ __ ] I heard they [ __ ] you oh my dreams were like insane heard people say that they would rather get malaria than deal with the malaria medication because they get malaria then they just get antibiotics and get it taken care of mystery solved how Sickle Cell hemoglobin protects against malaria wow yeah I learned that in Africa from a black dude he goes I go how come you not taking malaria medicine he said I'm black a new article is likely to help solve one of the long-standing mysteries of biom medicine in a study that challenges currently held views researchers unravel the molecular mechanism whereby CLE cell hemog Lin confers that's what it says confers a survival advantage against malaria wow that's racist I had a buddy that died of sickle cell uh guy used to train with back in Boston my friend Walter really yeah he was like a really talented uh taekwan do fighter and he would uh come in and train like really hard for a short period of time and then he would get sick and uh he was always one of those guys that everybody was like where's Walter like where's he was like super talented really good but he would get sick and he just couldn't compete and then he would get better and he would just look like a world beater he was like really [ __ ] good really talented really smart just knew knew how to fight and then just kept getting Sickle Cell just kept getting worse and getting better and this is like early 80s ' 84 that's when it was taking out Brothers left and right yeah maybe even earlier than that might have been 82 Dewey Selman Leroy Selman played for the bucks Dy Selman was a defensive back in Dey Selman had Cel anemia that was the first time I ever heard of it but I remember telling my dad I think I have Cel anemia because I'd heard that Dewey Selman had it my dad was like are you black and I was like I don't think so that's amazing that it came from malaria yeah well it makes it makes sense I mean there you your body or the human body has got to try to figure out some way to get over this hump this the
most deadly disease I think ever if I had a guess I would say malaria is probably the most deadly disease ever but everybody scared of AIDS well I'll tell you what rabies is pretty [ __ ] bad cuz I got I got bit by a bat in Costa Rica very bad and I I thought I thought I had I I was like I got bit by a bad get the rabies shot and they were all you know Costa Ric put aita man put pure life don't worry now you'll be fine we don't have rabies down here you'd be fine and then I go back and I come back to you know get my shots to go again and they said you want a rabies shot I said I've been bit by a bat once and the lady freaked and like laid it on me she was like she goes you know there's no recovery from rabies like if you do in fact have rabies you'll die from rabies no that's not true 100% injection nope not one person has ever not gotten bit by rabies gotten the shots in two days you got to in within two days uhhuh and ever lived ever [ __ ] lived not one so everybody who gets rabies even if you get the shots inside of two days you still die if you get you have to get the shots within two days and then you live and then you live yes but but if you don't get those shots oh I see what you're saying so if you don't get the shots you're dead 100% wow 5 months later you're just sitting in a bed and you start feeling sick rabies is scary man it starts with a sore back how many [ __ ] times I lay in a hotel bed going God damn it my rabies is kicking in your rabies I'm [ __ ] scared are you you a hypochondriac come on I'm worse than you have no you never heard about when I thought I got Jal WS what happened oh did you like get a mify magnifying glass and no look at little individual cells no that one looks weird no but I did sit with my balls and dicks in a bowl of vinegar watching Quantum Leap drinking a 40 vinegar cuz Vin I don't know man I got [ __ ] obsessed no vinegar will tell you if you have genital warts oh that's hilarious it'll tell you hey man you got the warts just it it'll whisper to you yeah this is bad you look down it's an exclamation point you never had one of those times where you just looked at your dick a bunch like you like have sex one night and then the next day you like like kind of giving your dick a once
over and you're like wait what the [ __ ] is that it's kind of amazing how rarely guys do give their dick a once over like how often do you like H see what we're dealing with here everything every time I take a [ __ ] I always yeah I always it up go to the left look to the right flip him upside down so he's staring up at me like I got him pinned in Jiu-Jitsu stare at your sack underneath in the mirror that left ball bigger was it just from [ __ ] was it just like a sore from [ __ ] too hard or well it started out as nothing yeah it started off with one night stand and I was working at Barnes & Noble and I went into the bathroom and I was looking my dick Non-Stop and then I started looking at those web journals those me not web Journal Med Med journals and then I and then I and then I was like you know what like like in this is I don't know if anyone has obsessive compulsive uh hypochondria this is how it works you're like you know what I'm going to be fine I'm going to go get some stuff at CVS put on my balls I won't notice anything in the morning and next thing you know you're rubbing lotions and tactin and [ __ ] putting [ __ ] all over your balls and dicks thinking you're going to fix something and and then it looks worse the next day and then you're like all right listen if all I got to do is I got to I'm going to I'm going to do the tanac I'm going to stay with the tanacon and then I'm going to dip my bowls and dick in a bowl of vinegar tonight and that'll tell me and then next thing you know your dick and balls have just been getting a [ __ ] beating for like two days and they don't look normal anymore and and now you can't stop [ __ ] with them you're literally like [ __ ] with your dick God obessive non I'm not the only one that's been through this I know there are people that have done this a lot of guys out there pickling their balls and dick pickling their and you just and and then you're in Philly and you can't stop stop looking at your dick you're just like nonstop God why does it have to be Philly cuz that's where I went I went to Philly went to Philly with my cousin Abe and I stayed in this place and I was [ __ ] looking cousin Abe come take a look at my [ __ ] get some vinegar that look like a pickle every conversation you start starts with like you know uh General warts is very common
oh my God and then uh and then it went it took I mean I'll be very honest about this uh uh I went to a dermatologist in Tampa I like spiraled out my mom like said come home [ __ ] something's going wrong with you I flew home and I was like I'm fine damn you had to fly home to deal with this and it wasn't even General warts wasn't even by the way was dipping your dick in vinegar you got to get on a plane like Jesus Christ by the way use hydron peroxide it's way better than vinegar is that yeah you why you using vinegar you're just going to started us we didn't have the internet back then we didn't have the internet back then don't marinate your dick yeah just don't just don't don't try any home remedies did you even bother they Googling it oh Google wasn't around oh that's right this was like this was right when I moved to New York probably 1997 so yeah you'd have to get an encyclopedia and you know how hard those were th to thumb through the [ __ ] do does anyone remember the Dewey Decimal System yeah like that [ __ ] was so complicated to me like I never learned it and I never had to do you like do they even cover that kind of stuff like if you got an encyclopedia or a medical encyclopedia would they talk about Dick warts and home remedies like pickling your dick and vinegar where where would you get pickling dick and vinegar I probably did get from the internet and the internet was around it just wasn't like what it is today there was those books those home remedy books like medical books though my mom used to have like like a kind of a book that like if you have a fever and you don't have tanol try this warts in that though it I'm sure they had something they had General words back then I wonder if they talked about it though cuz there's a certain innocence to that time where they just they like to sweep stuff under the rug and not talk about it for the longest time I wonder you know I wonder how much of that that was discussed they probably called something different back then too like Indian mounds or something what I don't know if that's right I but I'll tell you what there wasn't a lot of information back then and it was just what you'd get was like literally what you'd get on the internet
now if your battery was dying like that's the kind of Internet you information you get well that's why AIDS was so scary because nobody knew yeah I mean you you would have to like wait till a news report came out yeah to find out like how you could get it how you couldn't get it when's the vaccine coming 2020 was how people found out about AIDS yeah man stop and think about that unless you read some Newsweek article like you had to read some some article and then it was up to the person writing the article like they had a tremendous responsibility to get the facts right which they don't always do you know and then the facts change especially when it comes to science and medicine like the facts they change you know they find out new discoveries they have to backdate things they have to change things they have to Fig oh now there's a great I believe it was Radio Lab there was a great yes it was Radio Lab on patient zero and it was all on the origins of AIDS how it happened and they think it happened from a hunter in Africa they think that it was a combination of two different diseases that different monkeys got and they probably got it from eating each other and that a hunter who killed a monkey and was cutting the meat up must have cut his hand and gotten that monkey blood in his in his body so the virus got into him and that was the origins of HIV and then he was gay [ __ ] fascinating had nothing to do with gay well I mean if he was okay well oh if he just had sex with a woman just had might have had sex with a woman or it might it's just by virtue of the way men have sex gay men have sex and made it easier for them to spread it more susceptible yeah more SU and then on top of it there's the gay community loves to party you know and that's like a big thing that that Peter duberg guy that we had on that was super controversial man I never had more people get mad at me than was that the one with you and Brian Callen yes and that guy I heard that one he's a professor of biology at the University of California Berkeley and he has this insanely controversial viewpoint on AIDS and 9 but why I'm just say this before I I repeat what he believes that 99 % of the people that are in his field disagree with him this is a very very small people small
percentage of people it might just be him so this is but this is his his Fringe belief he believes that HIV is actually a weak virus and he said that what it it is a symptom of is a compromised immune system and that your immune system is compromised from drugs and one of the things that he connected is the amount of people that die from AIDS complications that were heavy drug users and the gay community and it's overwhelming crazy numbers crazy numbers because they do ELO nitrate and poppers which are poppers and meth and they just love to party because they don't have kids they're butt [ __ ] woo just having a great old timec yeah they're having a good time man um so it was his contention that HIV was just a symptom that their immune system was already [ __ ] up and that if if we looked at it correctly instead of from a social point of view everybody's looking is like a social stigma and it's something that can't be questioned because it's such a blight on the gay community and we should all rally and help them and you you can't question what what's actually going on they obviously have a disease it's killing them off we need research and funding and all this and he was saying what you get outside of that cloud of emotion that's attached to this and politically correct thinking and one common denominator you see with these people with a lot of them is heavy drug use so what he believed is that your immune system gets shattered from doing all the drugs and then when they test you HIV shows up but the the reason HIV is there is like if you were healthy your body would battle the HIV now HIV researchers think he's out of his [ __ ] mind but they are saying that there is ways to make it so that H HIV doesn't show up in people's bodies exactly yes that's that's more recently that's within the last I believe the last decade or so I think those things are called protas Inhibitors and I think that's one of the ways that they uh have figured out how to I think they have even better stuff now um I don't know what the latest in HIV medication is but if they have something that could uh make it get to that point you would kind of assume that that would like I know I know a few people actually that have it that have HIV and they take the drugs and they are um one of our friends works
at the comedy store and they are uh unper perceptible and incept you don't you what's the word un perceivable thank you you can't you can't test it when when you test them they show up negative but he knows that he has it somehow or another it's like dormant in his system and if his immune system drops down and gets all [ __ ] up like if he parties too hard or something like that and he doesn't take his medication maybe it would come back see that doesn't necessarily mean that duberg is right it's it's it's it seems very complicated it seems like the doing the drugs doesn't help that's what it seems like to me to say that the doing the drugs is the reason that these people get AIDS and it's not the HIV and the drugs are what's compromising their immune system that's not necessarily true because there's not a lot of people that are just getting HIV and then getting better on their own with no drugs with no medication so it could be that one thing we all know is that doing a lot of drugs is bad for your body so when they're doing crystal meth and Amal nitrate and they're getting crazy and not getting any sleep that's terrible for your body and any disease that you have when your body's already wrecked is going to have a better grip on you this just the fact we all know that that's the that's with the common cold with the flu with anything you have the flu and you get [ __ ] hammered and start doing meth you're going to feel like [ __ ] you know because your body's already wrecked your immune system is already torched so I don't NE necessarily think that his conclusions make a lot of sense to me a non-scientific non-medical person yeah I think I think he probably one of the reasons why all these people uh are angry at him is cuz he's jumped to some unscientific conclusions or some conclusions at least that they don't think are scientific or or just Politically Incorrect definitely Politically Incorrect that's what these guys are researchers man they've spent decades you know the cynical point of view is that like people that are conspiracy theorists would say you know hey the money is in the treatment not the Cure man you know what they want to do is they want to continue making money you you'd have to be extremely cynical to think that that's the case like they
say that about cancer but they kind of know how to stop cancer in a lot of ways they they could prevent a significant amount of cancer if people just cleaned up their diet cleaned up their diet start eating healthy and exercising that would that would stop a lot of it a lot of it what percentage I don't know but if you cut sugar out of your diet and you started eating healthy and you started exercising on a daily basis how many people would be way healthier than they are now probably a lot and there's definitely people that get cancer because of genetics there's it's not all of it is due to poor diet and stress but that can't help when your immune system is Going Bonkers and you're you're [ __ ] tired and stressed out all the time that [ __ ] ain't good but it does you know so it's it's all it's everyone's looking for a one or the other they're looking to point the finger at like one source I think it's a combination of a bunch of different things that makes you wrecked see I always thought the CIA created AIDS did you hear that presidential uh uh thing that came out this week where you didn't even listen Ronald Reagan uh and Gorbachev no no like them talking about HIV and the AIDS in early like they pretty much they were just making fun of it and like people were like is the president going to mouth to mouth kiss and and they weren't taking it serious at all and like the the the Press was like are you guys not taking AIDS serious or HIV serious and they just continue to joke about it like Reagan's Administration and stuff like that whole audio about it well you remember that woman who was a publicist who made that joke on Twitter and then just that's a book I read is uh so you've been publicly shamed yeah oh okay yeah John Ronson yeah Justine Sako was I mean it [ __ ] destroyed her life now I'm not I'll tell you what I'm this far out of it I the stuff I read in the book like where she works now and I've heard stories about her now I won't even share I don't like public shaming I don't think it works and I don't think it's I don't think it's benefits anyone I think it makes just makes the people that shame good way to cotton picking minute I don't like what you're saying I don't like it no I don't I don't like it either I
think again it's what we were saying earlier it's this it's these people that are just looking to be outraged that's a big part of it there's some things that you probably should shame people for like Bill Cosby like if you want to go around drugging and rap raping women yeah you should be shamed for that but really you should be prosecuted yeah if you're not prosecuted then definitely shamed but like but like that but like get prosecute him and let him go to [ __ ] jail and I don't really care to shame him just send him away he's definitely experiencing hell right whether whether lock him in the cage or not I don't give a [ __ ] if that guy's living in the lap of luxury he's experiencing hell cuz he's gone from being a guy who's been loved his entire career he's like revered he's like you look at him he's one of the great if you had a Mount Rushmore of stand-up comedy you'd have to put Bill Cosby's head on there you'd have to yeah but he's impervious to he's impervious to shame I bet I bet he's like a great white shark no chance he was so [ __ ] condescending to everyone he spoke to I heard I didn't hear he ever [ __ ] met someone with like hey man I'm Bill nice to meet you so like just staring down like DC Benny's got a story of just the way he treated him and DC was like what a [ __ ] dick what happened I don't know I'm [ __ ] it was probably 12 years ago that I heard the story so for me to repeat it start making up stuff DC walked into his trailer and Bill Cosby's raping this woman and uh and DC is like uh I do a great impression of you and started doing it as Bill Cosby's raping the woman the girl starts waking up she hears Bill Cosby Bill's like not cool man I don't use my voice with them and that's I mean that's what he told me did he have like a lucor mask on that's what I heard yeah had like one of the Mexican wrestling masks that's what I heard I think so old school Bill Cosby yeah what were we gonna say about Justine Sako oh well that's a perfect story when you talk about someone like cracking a joke about AIDS you know she matisa was like fairly recently she was talking about going to Africa she goes I think the exact quote was I'm going to Africa hope that I get don't get AIDS
LOL just kidding I'm white yeah Jesus she was just just and she tried to say I think that it was like that she was pointing out the disparity of how white people did it she just did a poor job at please [ __ ] you're cracking a joke she she was in that first generation of funny girl no I'm I'm going to say girls only because they ran the internet at this time they ran Twitter was she BL too no no there was a bunch of uh girls that women that overtook and showed people how funny women were on the internet there's Jenny Johnson high five Jenny Mullen Jenny Johnson high five is very funny [ __ ] really funny she has some really funny [ __ ] and slle our friend SL from toron Kelly Oxford they're all funny ass women and she was in that first generation of those women who would post outrageous [ __ ] Jenny uh Kenny Kelly Oxford's posted one time and I [ __ ] lost it but I lost it laughing and she deleted it she was afraid of it I I think was that uh women who like men women who wear p s love to smell their menstration and I loved that I just thought it my wife's like my wife would never wear a pad like in her life I remember someone offered a pads she had a period she's like pad i' rather put a sock in my [ __ ] pants what are you [ __ ] kidding me pad people hate tampon people I've noticed yeah a war going on PC and Mac yeah the first PC and Mac first generation of that fight but uh but I think Justine Saka was in that group of women she was I didn't know that it happened a while ago not not like friends with but was that generation of she had had a bunch of outrageous tweets I in the book I read that from John rson that she was just outrageous and funny and would say the inappropriate things and then all of a sudden got there's another there's a young lady who worked with mentally disabled adults who took a picture at Arlington Cemetery where it said uh please be quiet and be respectful yeah and she did this like fake yelling and flipping off thing the girl's life got destroyed yeah destroyed and and apparently her thing was posting funny pictures of her doing the opposite of whatever the sign said right sign said no smoking her with a cigarette and a lighter yeah and like and like an overthe toop yeah girl picture she got
destroyed to the point where she didn't she's like I don't want to get my name cleanse cuz I'm afraid I'll come back up in the thing and cuz they can now clean your name here's the real one this is one that they can now clean your name yeah there what does that mean companies that uh they go through the cleaner it sounds like the professionals at french guy was that guy uh uh no that's the professional the yeah they go through they do it a lot I think they um think they do it for sex offenders whoa and uh my reading comprehension skills aren't tops but like for people that don't want their name on the Internet for whatever the [ __ ] they did guys that have been convicted of rape right and so what they do is they basically you pay them and then they flood the internet with websites that your name comes up on and fake popup like you go to the website and it says temporarily unavailable or whatever and they just flood the internet with that so that when you do find Justine Saka it's number seven on the list and number one is uh semi- final semifinal medalist for the this uh ran a 5k okay so they just add [ __ ] to the internet to flood the water so it makes it more difficult to find information about you right that would be the smart thing to deal with if somebody was [ __ ] with you hire someone to write complete fiction about you all the time like all day long like just make up [ __ ] like to the point where it's like finely thinly veiled like it's very difficult to tell like what's true what's not like almost like an onion story and just hire someone to do that all day so like if Justine Sako had like a pile of cash if she was uh Scrooge McDuck and she just sat back with all her cash and said you know what I'm just going to hire a team of creative writers and just tell my story what's that like did just tell her story make up stories all day long about things that she did like constantly and make them some of them seem reasonable and some of them seem completely ridiculous I hate to say this you're that guy what do you mean no cuz you I remember do you H you I'm sure you remember I hate to say this no but like no but like what you're saying is with in this fan base like that you have there are people that you know hear stories and half truths do you remember
the time when everyone thought you really killed a mountain line with a belt nobody thought that you'd have to be so [ __ ] to think that then I guess I didn't think it either did you think it oh dude there were a lot of people like hey man like tweeted me did Rogan really and and there were people going no he Brian didn't get tricked I tell you that no but who told who said it who said it some it was a parody website it was like an onion type website oh but it got out there and like I don't I didn't read the website hold on hold on hold on I didn't read the website but you had to be hammered when some you heard that story I know there you go it just sounds fake knowing Joe it's like a mountain L tell you how the how the [ __ ] would you get a belt around a mountain Line's neck you know how hard that would be [ __ ] almost texted you my own sister asked me if it's true how sad is that you you know this a kid that I know that gets bullied and I told him the same thing about like you should go online take the bully's name and like really just throw all this fake stuff on there make fake websites about him and ruin the guy online that's like nowadays the best way to get back out of bully like anonymously yeah you can but I mean at the end of the day the bully is still the same guy you're not really hurting them you know you're not changing anything by making up a bunch of [ __ ] until the whole high or the Middle School sees these websites and he's getting bullied for being you know like pictures of him and Leonardo DiCaprio kissing he should be laughing at that unless he's an idiot you want me to P this your way look real um here take um what is that uh what is that uh soda soda water yeah it's clean you want something else spr right or something or uh what's the best I don't usually drink Vodka something that's has flavor something okay if you're Brian and pre-diabetic yes no not di you think Brian's pre-diabetic do you watch his he said no Brian said no do you watch periscopes he went he went on a website and he definitely is not he was telling me his eyes weren't working correctly and I'm like do you know that's a symptom of diabetes I definitely don't have it like okay you
drink all the time you don't want your food is that good water yeah o really did you get tested for diabetes Brian are you just hoping you did get tested yeah I got fully tested the only thing I had was uh little bit of uh lack of vitamin D uh which is I guess normal or being outside it's called being outside Brian that's the only thing you had yeah BR you want one vitamin D is a a pretty normal ailment or a pretty normal thing to be fish in it's jaist is that what it is yeah well George and IA both were jaist and you'd have to sit and hold them by the by the sun like by the window and let the sun hit them and then you'd watch them turn from yellow to White I don't know if that's true I just remember hearing that they turn from yellow to White how bizarre is it that your body produces a vitamin from the Sun like the Sun hits you and it actually produces vitamin D and I had a convertible and I live in Los Angeles and I still was that and it's like you really need to be actually out there you know we're very rarely like out in the sun right when was the last time you were sunburned without going to a tanning bed that shit's not good either tanning bed I have a friend who just got uh my friend Cameron Haynes he just got a big chunk of his face cut off skin cancer not beds how did it start he had like a weird mole on his face I'm a moly guy and it's scary because like half a lot of my moles look like they they they should be cancer but then you get them checked like no if it turns red and starts to like hurt spread and stuff I'm going wait wait I'm sorry tell me about camera I'm more interested in camera some weird thing on his face and uh went to the doctor and they they check it and they're like yep you got to cut it out they make an appointment they they sliced them like like a box cutter like he was in a war with a gang banger cut his face open stitched it back up they took a big chunk out of his face now does Cameron use sunscreen when he goes hunting um no I don't think so probably doesn't when he runs either he runs a lot he's a beast right yeah he's he's doing he's getting ready now for a a double ultramarathon it's something called the Bigfoot race it's two 100 plus miles I think it's 204 miles no yep it's two days a two day race these guys
were I had a sound guy that was James deer who does uh who does those Ultra marathons yeah Cam's done a bunch he's well not a bunch he's done a bunch of marathons but I think he's done three 100 mile runs and one of them he actually did a 24-hour race and he went 106 miles I think it was something like that something crazy like that 106 and uh now he's going to essentially double that or close to it that's [ __ ] insane yeah but you know I'll say this guys like Cameron and uh who's the guy who had the show on Travel Channel I can't remember his name right now but it's a good friend of yours also Steve Rella Stella they've made hunting uh cool again yeah like I like I listen to those stories and it's hunting's you know when I was a kid hunting was about like waking up early and going out with your dad and and [ __ ] being tired and cold in a car and then going out and then possibly someone would hit you with buck shot like at some point in the day but like now it's like it's it seems like these Adventures which which almost as a man like my wife got chickens and and I understand she's never been more happy about a project in her life and she met got it from your wife when we went to your house she saw that she thought it was so [ __ ] cool she's been talking about it forever finally gets the chickens every morning she lets the chickens out she talks to them she's trained them so they'll come up and get on her and and I watch that and it's a primal Instinct that's inherent in humans is to almost I want to I want to I want to plow my own field I want to I want to do my own work I want to feel like I did something and those guys when I and when I listen to y'all do podcast about it I get it makes me want to go hunting and I told you I've never killed an animal I'm never I don't know if I'd be cool with it I don't know that I'd I've killed a couple animals i' take that back but you've had a pig roast I've killed animals I've definitely killed animals but never like never with a shotgun never with a gun never the bow and arrow but it makes it seem like hey man I I might need this in my life that sounds so [ __ ] stupid but I might need this in my life to get out into nature with me and a gun and and be afraid cuz you're in the jungle you're in the woods
and a bear might roll up on you what you are out there to hunt might roll up on you and get it's like this fight club cut your fingernails cuz you're fighting type thing and and I like I just started going back out to that place we shot shotguns and shooting uh Sporting Clays cuz I was like I was like may maybe this maybe this will maybe this will be like a new form of therapy or maybe this will be like a a new thing that blossoms Into Me growing does that make any sense yeah it does make sense like the shotgun uh the what you were the way you were explaining it I've never done that Sporting Clay stuff but it sounds really fun that what it is is uh well you can explain it but you go out there and there's a course and all these things pop up and you shoot them but you you're going through this course and as you're going through this course some of them are rolling on the ground some of them they shoot up they launch them in the air and they're these Clays just like those same sort of things right like those those yeah it's 15 different stations that you go to you can go to 15 different stations and they're all set up differently to be different types of birds different types of animals so like some will be like a rabbit where the clay rolls on the ground out in front of but you don't the the real the real sport in it and I got to be honest with you it's it's like uh it's like fine-tune in your machine where you get up there you have your gun your shotgun and uh we did the two shot D top and bottom you know and you out there and you go pull and your buddy hits the button behind you and all of a sudden two things come out of the woods and you don't know where they're coming from and you don't know where and you just are like [ __ ] just and you try to get it and then there is this thing that hits on your head and and hits in your [ __ ] sarabellum where you're like I couldn't feed my family today like you get done you're like I couldn't offend my family today I couldn't offend myself or my family I'd be back in the woods tomorrow and and it was it's cool man I I wish I could remember the right name of the place to say it so people go there but it was I mean it's [ __ ] packed but the day we went some was setting I posted a video on my YouTube page cuz we were walking doing the walk
and a deer just walked across us and we had have [ __ ] shotguns and a deer just walked across I go we could [ __ ] kill it like we have loaded shotguns but we're shooting Sporting Clays and we're like What the fu you might not really even kill it you wouldn't you just [ __ ] up a hide you would hurt you hurt it pretty bad because you're you're you're shooting set spray those little tiny pallets you would need a slug like they use slugs to hunt deer with a shotgun that's the one thing about that video as I posted I was like hunters and anti-gun people will both hate this video cuz hunters will be like you couldn't [ __ ] kill it right and anti- gun people like how you why do you have guns so I'm like right in that window of stupid well what's going on is when you're out there and those things are running by like you're F Focus forced to focus on them and when you're forced to focus on the clay rolling on the ground or the one launching through the air it takes you away from your pro your problems and your troubles takes you away from thinking about all the other things that are going on in the back of your brain constantly whether it's bills or stress or schedule or on the road yeah I mean you're constantly doing things and you you have all these obligations and all these people tugging at you all the time dude it and it just happens the second you get kids you commit to all that [ __ ] it's like it's like growing up I I talked to my therapist about it and he was like like when did your stress start like when did you start really caring giving a [ __ ] I finally give a [ __ ] when I had kids and then you go out hunting and you're like I don't know I don't know it takes you back to takes you back Society [ __ ] up what being a man is about so much to make you overthink it not let you be it and sometimes when you're a man it's [ __ ] someone call me a bro comic and I'm like d I'm just a [ __ ] person I happen to have a perspective because I have a dick and if that's my perspective call me a bro comic that's fine but like but like uh I don't even know what the [ __ ] I would say that's such a weird pity of that bro pejorative is so funny people love using it should dismiss anything that anybody says yeah if you're into manly type activities you have to be a bro like you should be
ashamed of your gender Berke ker I [ __ ] love MMA I get kicked out of bars when Conor McGregor wins like that's how out of bars I got kicked out of a [ __ ] B [ __ ] Buffalo Wild Wings what I got kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings twice this year what two Buffalo Wild Wings Conor McGregor's win I got kicked out and I got kicked out in in Utah cuz I was standing up and drinking a beer wow hold on let's go to the Conor McGregor one first and then we'll visit the Utah one okay cuz I need to know about this so you're watching the UFC they're playing it in the bar yeah so when you're playing the UFC like anytime you're there you've been the one can I stop you and just I'm going to jump ahead of you for two seconds there is next to our next to us is a man and his wife uh probably 25 with their uh 2-year-old child watching this fight in uh Ohio so whatever time it happened where you were at it's mind you it's Ohio so it's like probably like 10 10 at night I'm going to say I'm going to probably say 11 by the time McGregor got on on oh okay you're watching the main event right yeah I'm watching well I'm watching all the fights but Conor McGregor is two hour difference PR IR three hour difference oh it's even later than that then yeah okay so there's a child on with an iPad right uh so it's probably like 12 it's probably like midnight and there's a child there so we're watching I bring my whole crew out we're on the road and I'm like this is the one thing that makes you sane on the road is like one thing that makes you really kind of makes me touch into life is like you're on the road you're working and then my cameraman John mans would always be like hey UFC's on tonight come on we got to go watch Rogan and like so my whole crew will go out we'll go to Buffalo Wild WIS they always show it and we'll all watch it and when you comment like one of the fun things like you know people that don't know they're like you know that guy and I'm like yeah it's it's like but it's a connection to life where you're like I'm lost on the road and then you hear a friend on TV and you're like I'm back in and this is the [ __ ] I like and we're men and we're watching UFC Conor McGregor is [ __ ] losing that fight it looks like he's losing that fight in the
last minute he comes in and I've been cheering for him the whole [ __ ] time and everyone Ohio hates this [ __ ] and I am cheering for him the whole time cuz he is a precious Irish saint and the second he knocks him out or [ __ ] takes him down or whatever he ended it shirt comes off and I'm like that's what's up [ __ ] that's what's up and okay that yeah that's against the the the the license they have for serving food having no shirt on yeah you can't take your clothes off at a fine dining establishment like I wasn't guilty BW3 was I'm just tell how describe Conor McGregor and an angel or something precious Irish saint precious get many of those you get Ricky Patton you get Conor McGregor rck Patton whatever his name was Joe Dick Van Patton Dick Van Patton Baron steam you get Ricky Patton yeah we [ __ ] love those guys man they're there are [ __ ] the guys we had to go see told you we're not that bad that's funny that's hilarious but the shirt coming off got you kicked out so they grab you the guy grabs me and he goes hey you can't take your shirt off in a Buffalo Wild Wings and I go I'll put it back on he goes and then he goes there's a child here I go hold on don't use that defense we're watching a [ __ ] blood sport on TV the child's been watching two two shirtless guys don't [ __ ] light me up for being the [ __ ] they start with them kick them with the kid out then kick me out so I got kicked out of that one what if the kid's gangster and likes fighting he wouldn't even watch he was on an iPad the whole time maybe one day he will like he'll take it in peripherally yeah the Roar of the crowd I want to inspire them Father teach me to fight the most ridiculous ones Buffalo Wild Wings I'm standing up having a beer guy comes up to me he's like hey man I can't have you doing that I need you to sit down I didn't realize I didn't realize you can't stand and have a beer in Utah right that's illegal to stand and have and drink a beer so when you go to a bar in Utah everyone's seated you have to be seated you have uh you can't be walking around you can't be like stand Standing at a bar and like so you can't like you know people go to a bar and they mingle they walk around with their beer you sit down if you if you want to stand up if
you want to stand up you got to have no beer in your head so crazy there used to be uh a rule that we thought for the longest time with the Tempe Improv that you weren't allowed to drink on stage but it turned out was [ __ ] Dan [ __ ] Dan Merr may he rest in peace uh Dan merrr he's dead uh was decided for whatever reason that he was going to put up a fake sign that there's a fake state law that says you can't drink on stage and so we would we would just bring flasks when Brian and I were there we went to uh like a drive-thru booze place which is hilarious bought a flask a flask and a bottle of Jack and then we're drinking on stage I was just adding I was explaining that I was adding warm Diet Coke to my cold Diet Coke because I like I like like a a medium temperature so I have a flask of warm Diet Coke that I always keep with me I'm by the way I'm already on top of that lie to whoever asked cuz I'm such a drinker in public like you were like cuz I like and I was already going what's my lie real quick cuz my teeth get too cold I don't want my teeth to get cold I just had oral surgery that's a good way to look at it so in Utah is that true Brian you can't it doesn't say anything about that but it does say a lot of uh weird things about Utah any beer over 4% ABV is considered liquor alcohol by volume yeah so and they have Zion's curtain there Zion's curtain is is the they have they won't p pour your drink in front of you yeah and so yeah you can't see the bartenders mixing or pouring drinks they used to have it so you would buy like your drink in one spot and your mixer in another spot like if you wanted a Jack and Coke they would they would you have they would pour the Jack Danel in the glass in one spot and you have to go over and get the coke at another spot wow oh wow like another part of the bar this also says that you can only have 1.5 o of alcohol in your drink no exception so like a long island IC tea would be like the worst drink ever in the all sugar hold on you can actually get a long on I tea no no that's the exception in Utah because I ordered a double Tios and soda and they said we can't do doubles we can bring you two drinks or no we can bring you a drink and a shot but we can't do two drinks they can't order Doubles Doubles dude
you you should have seen the look on my face as we're watching UFC in a Buffalo Wild Wings and the bartender says to me uh the manager comes up I wish I knew where we were and you Utah because it's a smaller it's an it's not one of it's not Provo or it's one of the smaller towns right so it's not like the big city which I'm sure you're allowed to stand up and with your beer in your hand at times but like but like he came up to me I had gone to the bathroom with my beer in my hand who leaves a beer on the [ __ ] bar and walks to the bathroom you have to be crazy yeah I bring I walk I I didn't even think anything of it it sounds ridiculous now just walk to the bar with my beer in my hand take a piss come back and he goes hey man hey man uh I can't have you walking around with that and I was like um excuse me he was like can't I don't want you walking around with that beer that's you need to sit down and I was like sure sure sure and then I was like is this a white guy voice or black eyy voice this white guy I should have said he was white this my predecessor to all my stories there's this white guy comes with me why is it going to be white cuz he [ __ ] was and so I I'm sitting there drinking my beer but I'm watch watching mix uh UFC so I'm standing up right like going through the moves I'm kidding I'm kidding I but I was standing up I'm standing up and I I'm drinking my beer and the guy comes up to me again and lights me up and I go and now I'm confused but I'm also drunk so like I I I take a very like guilty drunk perspective ever anyone on a plane ever says anything about anything drinking I go oh I'm sorry I'm done I'm done like I'm never I'm not that guy wait AE how many times is that happen Joe I fly [ __ ] 3 million miles and he hates flying so he gets drunk yeah but like do people complain a lot about you drinking on planes yeah if you drink on planes at four beers someone will say something to you yeah what do they say to you hey you had a lot who says this the wait flight attendant yeah oh yeah if they say hey I've given you four this is a 30- minute flight no they giving you for it you know I want I you know I think you've had a lot then you just go oh I automatically I'm like I'm so sorry totally fine don't worry about it and then I [ __ ] White Knuckle the rest of the flight because I can't because I get
nervous flying I had a guy on flying to South Africa telling me I've had a lot and I was like I pulled him aside I was like I'm totally sober right now but we need to figure out a way where I can drink the rest of this flight because I will have Panic this I had 13 hours left and I was like so you come up with the system I'll agree with it and the guy looked at me very plainly he's like I'll give you a beer every hour for the next 13 hours I was like perfect Jesus Christ wow and I was like you drink 13 beers on a flight uh well we're going to be honest or we going to lie let's be honest and we nibbled a little Xanax and went to sleep so I nibbled a little Xanax and then had the next beer and then [ __ ] I don't think you're supposed to mix those I know Joe that's why I was going to lie to you [ __ ] reason I lie sometimes there was a lady on the plane once I'll never forget her she was talking about that how great is have a Xanax and a glass of wine just a Xanax and a glass of wine she's looking at me like right a Xanax and a GL I'm like I don't know it's dangerous man I don't know it's dangerous how Geraldo went out is a Xanax really uh why would you ever listen to me but yeah are you sure I'm 100% sure in the same way Doug Stan hope is who I go to when I have problems like like like when when Heath Ledger died both Stan hope and I both were on the like on the internet going like hold on what was the how much ambient did he have and how much Xanax did he have because these these are real PE for people who take Xanax you need to know but from what I understand um Greg I I hate I don't even know I want to talk like this because I like Greg a lot and I don't want to sound like a guy cele Google it Google what Greg Geraldo died of well toxicology report's going to be a little bit of everything I'm certain cuz I think he was partying at the time well he definitely liked pills he had an issue uh I think yeah yeah I feel weird talking about GRE CU I really genuinely liked him and he was very sweet to me he's a great guy he fantastic does take away from the fact that he had an issue with pills doesn't mean he wasn't a great guy I know but a lot of great people have issues with pills I I say this then as a warning and using Greg's Legacy as a warning it's
not a bad thing to say it killed him I mean it's it's a good it's I think it's a good thing to bring up he yeah yeah yeah but I'll tell you what the whole reason I don't [ __ ] with X at all is because of Greg cuz from what I understand he was coming from what I understand he was coming off partying he was in a hotel room he wanted to sleep he took Xanax and he and with Xanax sometimes uh when you use it and I and I've used it a bunch in the past um you build up a tolerance and then you stop using it and you and it feels like [ __ ] when you stop using it benzos are the worst they won't even admit you to rehab if you're on benzos really yeah yeah I have a buddy who couldn't go to rehab because he was on pzo and uh you stop using it and then the second you stop using it you you get sick and you you could die you could have a stroke but then when you go back to using it again your tolerance goes back so you can take back to half a milligram and you feel it again but from what I understand Greg used more used what he used to use and it just it had its way with him I could be totally wrong uh and I and I hope I am I hope whatever I I love Greg I really genuinely love Greg I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're saying yeah I mean just you're saying something everybody knew you know it's like Patrice dying of diabetes it's not a bad thing if you say that Patrice didn't take care of his health because he didn't you know just a fact it doesn't make him any less of an awesome guy you know or an amazing comedian or just a [ __ ] joy to be around he was all those things but he also had diabetes he didn't take care of it I think of him a lot and by the way these are all I whatever I say [ __ ] shove it into what Bert's memory of his narrative is but Patrice called his uh girlfriend V when he was having a stroke and he's like I feel weird like something's going on I need to go to the hospital and you know what's so funny is uh I think anyone with anxiety attacks an anxiety attack feels like that and so like sometimes I've been like sitting in a hotel room and I just feel weird like the like everything's shifting you're having anxiety panic attack right and then you start thinking you have a stroke and I I think of what Patrice
said that night do you ever take yoga or do you ever meditate or anything like that no I'd like to get into meditation I'd really like to do you ever exercise when you're on the road no not not in the last 11 months no exercise at all last 11 months probably no not at all wow I mean a little bit like scattered like I I'll I'll feel like up for God damn it I feel like a piece of [ __ ] let me get down there and I'll run I'll run walk two miles and I'll lift some weights but not like oh like right now I'm on a pretty sincere regiment where I'm working out I think I'm about 10 I get I walk on my Fitbit I walk like 10 to 12 miles a day which is pretty good burn about 4,000 calories taking in under 2,000 A Day writing down everything I had takeen other than new thing that you doing yeah it's on my Vlog I just started doing it I started uh November 29th and who's giving you this number like 2,000 calories me I'm registering the calories but why what why did you decide on 2000 cuz Weight Watchers no just uh me just decided that would be enough yeah now do you look at like what you're actually eating have you ever tried like different what kind of diet are you on 100% I can literally run through what I've eaten okay well just tell me like what kind of foods are you avoiding how about that uh avoiding a lot of breads a lot of sugars a lot of breads or all breads all breads all breads all no sugar that's those are two great steps yeah uh all bread's all sugars I I'm cool with fruits I'm cool with a lot of vegetables every vegetable can make its way in my mouth vegetables are running a train on me nice um lean protein salmon chicken I do the this shredded beef every now and then which is just so good but like if I do like we do taco bowl night I do tortillas in Roma lettuce um and then and that's and like and I'll do almond butter and rice cakes as a snack and a lot a lot of avocado great and you've been doing this for uh right now I'm six days six days and I've lost 13 lbs that's amazing yeah yeah if you can keep that up for like a few months oh my God 12 pounds 12 pounds 12 pounds for 12.4 lb that's amazing that's great yeah and then I and I I'm just really active I get up in the morning and uh and I just go at it it's like it's but it's it's very easy to do
when you're at home it's really hard to do on the road yeah it's not hard to do do let me take that back it's not hard to do when you're doing standup when you're doing stand up you have plenty of time man you got I I always say to myself I work out at 5 o'clock every day doing stand up yeah you're um you're in a weird position cuz you're doing a TV show and there's TV shows on the travel show two TV shows actually three two two or three which ones you doing I'm doing everything on the network I what the other ones uh I can't talk about two of them but birth conqueror I can talk about cuz I've accidentally spilled the beans um and then Tri you're bringing Burke the Conqueror back back we already shot a full season Jesus yeah did uh six half hours 71 hours wow when you're out there doing this how often are you do in standup uh say I shoot birth conqueror 13 weekends I probably did stand up during that time probably four weekends out of that but in no no no I take that back probably more than that before while shooting like I'll shoot I did Toledo while we were shooting I did uh Atlanta while we're shooting I did pittsb I do like I'll do the weekend when I'm there or an abbreviated weekend like Friday Saturday what do you think you'd be happier doing you think you'd be happier just doing standup all the time just killing it on the road or would you be happier if you continue to do these you know giant workload schedule shows like 11 episodes here 12 episodes there six of this seven of that on the road for 11 months would you be more happy if you were doing stand up you think um I it's it's really it's not hard to say because my heart is in standup it's always been in standup the only thing I'm proud of in my life is the fact that I'm a stand-up comedian the the fact that I can and and it doesn't happen often but the fact that I can roll into the comedy seller and I'll know Jim I know Bobby I know all the guys there the fact that it's like a fraternity that you've earned that you can't get you can't like just parent your parents pay money and you join it right um I I will say very candidly that money is having money is really nice with a when you have a family uh traveling stinks but like man I've gotten opportunities in my life this last six years that no one
will ever get in their life I mean like like from doing the show this doing the show is like it's amazing I mean it's working on travel channel is amazing Anthony Bordain would tell you that like the same thing you just have these experiences not not even the ones on TV but these great life experiences that I mean I I'm I'm a horrible person to be with sitting next to with my wife at a party because someone will go oh I just did this and I have an I have five experiences that are so much different cooler insane unbelievable than anyone's I I I go to this all the time you called me one morning and you said what are you doing and I said said I'm riding Viet I'm riding I'm moped in Vietnam through rice patties and you were like are you [ __ ] writing about this and I was just sitting in a rice Patty going like I was like uh I was that was one of the coolest calls ever yeah so like I don't want to lose that I and I I love that Network and I love the people that work in that Network I always want to do that but you I think you know this and I know you know this and I know that bill know Bill Burr said the same thing to me and and Al magal said the same thing to me is that I've definitely unfocused on standup For the last year last year I've been I've been touch and go I don't know I always I'm like that I got the same [ __ ] that those star athlete quarterbacks like Michael Vic's brother had that he had just a bunch of talent and a bunch of opportunity and then just was like [ __ ] it I'll go pro and then didn't go pro you know I feel like that sometimes where you're like I got a lot of talent and I I got a lot of ability and I can go around and [ __ ] around on stage and have a good time but when it comes to like making a solid hour and and like and like doing what buns did I look at buns because he's my contemporary Tommy Tommy Tommy skura I look at him I look at Ari he's my contemporary these are my like contemporaries and I go man they're murdering it they're they're killing it and now now granted and Ari and I talk about this AR's like I'd love to have your job that's such a cool job but like where's where's the tradeoff you know like a little bit there's going to be a tradeoff 100% there's no way around man I got to retweet something for Ari I'm just remembering this um there's going
to be a trade-off 100% there's no way around it I if you're going to do I mean that's how I always felt when I was doing um Fear Factor I always felt like a big tradeoff but go back to yourself in a time machine yeah well I would have do it I would do it again because I made enough money that I didn't have to give a [ __ ] about anything and in that not in the not giving a [ __ ] having not giving a [ __ ] money like true not giving a [ __ ] money is when you can be yourself you don't have to say I shouldn't say this because then people are going to be upset at me maybe that'll stop me from getting an audition or stop me from getting a but if you if you have enough money that you don't have to worry about that anymore then you can be yourself so on stage you could be yourself uh I'm I'm always I I'm not not going to be myself on stage but but here's the question is there is there stop there's a time when you should stop hoing it out and then and go and do what you love the best that's you know or do less like not maybe not three shows yeah definitely yeah definitely three's too many the okay here's the question um would without where do you consider whing it out because I don't consider anything done reallying it out I hoard it out for like six years doing Fear Factor I think that my standup got better when I stopped doing Fear Factor pretty positively absolutely absolutely go to like shiny happy Jihad was like one of my best things ever and I did it like right when I quit or right when it ended and then uh from Shiny Happy Jihad talking monkeys in space is probably my best one after that and that was No No Fear Factor at all no TV at all just doing the UFC and standup and then I honestly think like now I might be doing too many things with a podcast and then doing the UFC and doing standup might be too many I think podcast and standup is like the way to go I think those are just having less stuff and more the more the less you have to focus on the more you can focus on those things you know and then free time free time is giant it's giant not not having to go by anybody else's schedule like if you want to go out to the salt and sea and go visit that [ __ ] weird guy's Hill that he's painted and all these religious symbols and signs and Crosses you should
be able to just do that well then hold on stop on that thought cuz that's what I do for a living right but you have to do it with a camera and you have to be with these people let get you make I'm going to put a microphone on you and you're doing it for 12 hours a day and then you're going out to eat in some strange hotel and Boise with your [ __ ] crew you know it's there's great things to that no doubt about it but I think that it if you ultimately want to do your best standup you probably should do less of it right my wife was a big believer in putting what you want in the universe and so like right when she told me that I think it's might be a Scientology thing but your wife a Scientologist no but I got to be honest with you I like a lot of their ideas I I'm not a big I'm not I'm I like all their actually I like all their crazy ideas the the ones that they really grounded in I don't get like what on Aliens I do believe in aliens I do believe in aliens what do you believe when you say believe in aliens I believe there's [ __ ] life forms out there mhm I don't know if they've started us I don't know but I don't know as if they started us just as much as I don't know if Jesus really got out and moved a [ __ ] rock and was like I'm bad [ __ ] so like like there's a lot like like that I hear about scientology that makesense sense they have those acting courses they teach in La every young actor you ever hang out with took a Scientology acting course and it's about accountability uh [ __ ] being a better person uh being your authentic self it it's all deepo Chopra [ __ ] well I'm in the middle of reading going clear and when I say in the middle of it I put it down and I won't pick it up for a week or two and then I pick it up for a few days and I'll throw it down again I just get it's so bizarre that I'm worried that I'm going to get infected by this dude's ridiculous ideas was nuts my dad represented uh Scientology through the infancy stages represented them as a lawyer one of their head lawyers oh my God yeah my dad my dad we're out of Tampa the onion continues to peel my dad can wrote my my dad's not like that at all my dad's not even he's religious but Catholic only Catholic in his 60s like fearing the [ __ ] right you know whatever is going
to happen hell yeah yeah and uh but my dad when we were kids elron hubber would show up my dad's my dad would have to go out to his yacht he lived in Clear Water uh and and flew out to LA a bunch clear water is the spot the rest where the sea orgs are yeah and so uh and so my dad doesn't believe in any of that [ __ ] my dad's like a phony like pH like fooy on that [ __ ] FY yeah yeah and my mom I remember they went to a party and the one story is that my dad told my mom don't [ __ ] talk to anybody because you will get convinced this shit's real but uh but yeah the uh my lean's been through the Scientology acting classes and a lot of their [ __ ] makes sense it's I dated a girl who went to Scientology acting class and yeah yeah yeah and I went to the acting class with her at the time and so uh I she because she wanted me to go to her acting class she was brutal are you on she needed so much attention yes I was um she needed so much attention it was so ridiculous she wanted to watch she wanted you to watch her rehearse like for her thing in an acting class and she made me come to her acting class once when they did this thing called private moments and this is what private moments are what a private moment is you would go on stage and you would just do stuff like they had like a little set so they had like a bed and they had some books and they had like a little fake kitchen area and you would just go on stage and pretend that you were just hanging out by yourself like maybe reading a book and and I I remember sitting there sucking this all no first of all the relationship was a joke it was disaster from jump but she was hot it was fun but watching this whole thing go down I was like okay do you understand what's happening here like this this is not acting you're not acting like this isn't acting what this is is they're they're giving you a little fix okay you have this desire for attention this overwhelming desire for attention and they say Hey you know we don't even have anything for you to prepare but you could be the person on stage for the next 10 minutes everyone's going to look at you yeah let's kill 50 minutes with people oh my God twiddling their thumbs and that was okay um what were you doing with the book there is that how you normally would read a book well when I
read I like to read things that are important and so like they like it was like they would go over the public moment or the private moment rather with uh the the various actors and I would love to sit there and listen to their things that they would say in their P I only made it to like two of them two classes where I was like I can't do this you realize that could be a TV show on Comedy Central if you just did that with comics yeah five Comics Jim Norton's private moments and it's just five minutes of gym in a room just watching him [ __ ] do gym you ever see that show Nathan for you it's uh one of the I think one of my favorite shows that's on right now it's it's this comedian Nathan and he gets hired to like like go to these small businesses and help their business by using weird ways like like as an example uh This Bar ever since uh smoking became I got I got to interrupt into for right now it totally sounds like Comedy Central was buying ad space through Brian like he's like has anyone seen Nathan where you on Comedy Central so like as an example uh bars can't have smoking in them and they're saying that they've lost a lot of money since that's happened a lot of smokers you know want to smoke in a bar blah blah blah so he found like a loophole where you can make it a theater like a bar being a theater so he put up two seats sold like tickets so that you would sit down on these seas and just sit there and watch a bar for an hour that giving the bar being able to smoke cigarettes as if they were a play and it's just interesting like how he hacks normal uh everyday things it's really funny uh but uh but what's the one he did I mean he's he's is a very funny Starbucks Dumb Starbucks is the big one that everyone knows where uh using parody laws he made a whole thing called Dumb Starbucks so it looked just like a Starbucks he could sell coffee because he was using a parody law and he does this like every episode it's one it's so amazing I heard about the Dumb Starbucks one Dumb Starbucks it's actually a pretty good show yeah uh the I be honest with the better show than that who's the guy you guys I know his name it'll come to me the guy you had that always wore the blue hat that had a Comedy Central show he came in I I kind of felt like it might have been like uh Judah Freelander no no no no I know
Judah um he did the show with Coach Ben Ben that guy's that guy's show was super funny and he didn't get a uh like enough of a of a chance what was his name Ben Franklin not Franklin [ __ ] first V Ben Johnson benof Ben Hoff Ben Hof you had him in here right he I liked his show a lot did you ever hear his coach won no oh it's so funny can you play it Jamie no no no no no never mind it's ComEd Central po oh really yeah do that uh cuz they have a their own C they have the Comedy Central live they have their own website where they encourage people to go watch their shows I talked to Ari about that you talk yeah no he doesn't like it I'm not I don't know I didn't talk about what does that mean [ __ ] no he doesn't like it up we're [ __ ] grownups and we know how this internet works it's like look my kid's never going to get one over on me on Instagram cuz I've been in this [ __ ] and you're never going to bring a person I I promise you this and I I I bite my tongue sometimes I I find myself you're not even on Comedy Central I have a deal with them [ __ ] okay he doesn't like it that they pull stuff off of YouTube is that what it is yeah I love youi this is what Ari said I love you Ari whatever you said whatever okay [ __ ] we both agree with that uh you never look [ __ ] people find content is where you find content if content drives you to traditional media then so be it that's how this [ __ ] business works we put [ __ ] on YouTube because that's where people are finding content and then you put I put five minutes of a show on YouTube and you like it and you go I kind of want to watch that show and then you go there like when I look at at trailers I watch trailers for movies that I will see inside movie theaters on YouTube and on Apple movies that's where I go okay and so Comedy Central and and and travel's guilty of this as well sometimes they try to get the ad or they try to get all the traffic to their website it's the older people in the company that don't technically get how people are using their content and finding their content and and and and enjoying their content I know how I enjoy mine I sit online and I [ __ ] watch it on YouTube and I go through YouTube and I go into a spiral and next thing you know I'm watching bot flies getting extracted out of a guy's
back now I'm looking at ear cleaning now I'm watching opian gym like that's how it goes but no one that's like like L my wife is 45 she doesn't use [ __ ] YouTube she's never used YouTube in her life she tried to find a video the other day she's like it's on Facebook I go well Google the things you remember from it Google that and those are the code keywords and you'll find it she's like no it's not on Google it's on Facebook but that's who's that's who's running Comedy Central so when they go we don't want any of our content on YouTube because it's a bunch of AD sales dollars that were missing out on mhm maybe they're accurate in some extent but I I would argue that 300,000 people watch me talk about fighting a bear on AR's what's this is not happening now on YouTube I would venture to say not one person woke up that morning after they saw that and went to comedycentral.com and then said hey check this out Swipe swipe swipe this is Bert yeah they're not going to go there this is what they need to they understand you can get money from YouTube ads they just need control their own YouTube channels and then they could have it on YouTube and it would be on the Comedy Central Channel on YouTube put all their stuff up there and they would make plenty of money and I don't think it would cost them [ __ ] because no one's paying for anything man no one's paying for anything they're not going to pay for shows unless it's on Apple TV and you can just buy the whole season like Game of Thrones or something like that and watch it or like a show like walking dead I pay for the walking dead so I don't have to watch those [ __ ] commercials cuz I made the mistake of recording it on live TV and then trying to watch it when I've had been used to watching it on Apple TV it's unwatchable the [ __ ] commercials are brutal every anytime something happens Fade to Black and a [ __ ] dancing tide box comes on the screen and it's horrible it's awful Hulu's no commercial option is Awesome by the way it's like an extra five buck another thing Brian's being paid for Hulu comedy you still sponsored by Hulu but it's um it's it's a new era and I think you're right that a lot of people need to understand that having things on YouTube it's doesn't take
money away from you it makes your show bigger you know the more Ari has his content on YouTube the more it's going to make that show bigger the more Comedy Central is going to get more viewers the more ad dollars they're going to make it's not taking any money away from them it's making it bigger it's going to make a show bigger period how I mean think about think about we we've talked about this and touched on this at certain times but the fact that we have free content out there the fact that I [ __ ] three four years ago told a story on your podcast that changed the scope of my career and I never make any money off that I I don't make any money off the guys that have posted it I don't I don't give a [ __ ] I don't you think I look at become my minions is the guy's name you think I look at him and go go man he's making ad dollars on this that guy was created enough to create a a a a comic and add it to the story and it got me people to come to my shows that's what I give a [ __ ] about it's free content man that's why I'm doing the Vlog just think about like Comedy Central how much money they spent on advertising on billboards they had that giant billboard above Sunset that billboard above Sunset above pink dot didn't get nearly as many people to listen or watch to our show as a YouTube video would not even close his what he's doing right now with the storytelling is so [ __ ] smart it's so smart I've I've sold this to two people probably more than that but definitely to Ari and Tommy I'm jealous in the most happy way for them like I'm so happy that they did what they wanted to do well that's what's interesting to me is cuz you're very successful right now but it seems like you look at what they're doing and it looks like more more fun to you than what you're doing or it looks like something more attractive to you than what you're doing uh that's why you're saying you're jealous I am jealous I'm definitely jealous not not but not I don't want people to associate that with like negative no you're not you're not a petty guy it's like you said one time you saw Dave Chappelle at at The Comedy Store working out and you got you got I don't know if you said jealous but you said you got envious of his of like how great he was and you went home and wrote
well I would say it's inspired would be the term that I would use you know but I don't think it was an envious thing but it's certainly like wow God damn he's so good and you want to run home I don't like anybody can get envious we all could fall prey to that I'm let it in I don't let it in man I know what it is I feel it I don't let it in I recogniz turn it the other way I don't get it like I don't like sit and go God I [ __ ] want that that's jealousy that's Envy but I recognize that feeling I recognize that feeling of like but we've all seen people that do get that jealous Envy angry thing it's oh it's awful well I don't get that what I get for with Ari and like big J oerson big J oerson did uh uh uh I went out to New York uh to do it's a crowd work show it's all crowd work so you and it was a bunch of comics it was at the village underground it was [ __ ] or no it wasn't whatever it was I don't remember what it was but it was great Bunch Rich Vost and I were on the same show and I look at Jay and I and I watch him do crowd work and Big Jay his crowd work is impeccable I do good crowd work I'm a really good cow crowd work guy not like big jig J can do it for a living for the rest of his life and never write material he's that [ __ ] good he does it all the time too you know he is Joe I'm telling you watch Big J do crowd work and like I don't know if you I don't know how you do it the way I do but like I go to crowd work when I want to do it I don't just do it all the time right man he [ __ ] destroyed and I and I literally looked at him and I was like I so enviously proud of him like going big J you made you you sold your own show you're doing just what Ari did but with crowd work what your thing is and I look at those guys and you're right I think I do look at them and think like I know Ari is a different Beast he answers to nobody he wants to do his own [ __ ] thing take a year off from standup he'll do it he don't give a [ __ ] I'm envious of that in that in that like it's it's got to be it's got to feel really good to be untethered yeah like to to be like you know what man I got no fears not to say I I'm I'm [ __ ] filled with fears everyone knows that but like I got no fears I'll do my thing I I'll and and like I remember like we were having a conversation about
notes Comedy Central was given and AR's take was they're wrong like just so impervious to critique they're wrong I know what I'm doing like just almost like Winston Churchill like walking BEC a real problem when you have a vision for a show then a bunch of people come along they have their own vision and they try to get their greasy little fingers on your vision and change it and add their little jizz to the [ __ ] soup yeah it's not I told I told I told him my notes that I had just gotten from the network from County Central yeah he was like don't do it but it was like I felt like going why it's no good to do something that's you're you collaborate creatively when you do one of those things with people that aren't creative like they might be creative but they're not standup Comics so if if they're telling a standup comic like you have a vision of what you want it to be and they're telling you that you're wrong you should do it a different way that's going to be a disaster every time yeah I experienced that on the man show we we got in the most [ __ ] insane arguments over nonsense where Doug would come into the room pulling his hair and he' be like I can't [ __ ] believe this is something we're arguing over like and I would go what are they saying and he would tell me what they would say what well that can't be real that's really what it is one of them I think I've told this before but we had a game show called make me hard where we'd have a bunch of different things happen the guy had a box over his dick with the light would go on when he got a boner so we'd have like midgets eating bananas D ding ding you know it's really stupid but um they didn't they wouldn't let us use hard we had to call it stiff a crying argument like crying like it's it's gone too far like what what is this when Joey Diaz we had Joey Diaz introduce us and Joey Diaz came out naked with Timberlands on let's get this party started that was the beginning of every episode that's what we wanted to do they were literally crying Executives female Executives crying how is that man show how is that how was that funny it's not funny tears and I'm like I can't even believe I'm having this conversation I go how about we do this so we did two ways I go we'll do the normal way first we'll have them
introduce us normal I go and then we'll do it our way well well Joey will come out naked so we do the normal way all right we're going to do a second take the they he [ __ ] kicks the door open let's get this party started they go apeshit people are falling out of their chairs it's hilarious you know and he introduces us Doug stand up and Joe R good and the the place goes ape [ __ ] the the [ __ ] room changes and I looked at the lady I went see that's funny like don't tell me what's funny you might you don't think it's funny you want everything to be all clever like it would work really great at the UCB and everybody would golf clap that's [ __ ] you want you want props for for putting together a really smart and diverse show like that's not what we're here to do we're here to just make the [ __ ] that we think is going to be the funniest and can't do that with you you're an albatross you're a bundle of wood you're a burdensome woman you're a burdensome that's a burdensome woman 100% and it didn't just so happened that she was a woman if it was a guy that was crying it would smack him Jesus Christ yeah I I think I don't know yeah it's not good that's why the YouTube option is the best option or an online option is the best option that's why podcasts are so Superior a form of expression than anything you're ever going to find on Network television cuz whether it's good or whether it's bad it's ultimately all coming from you 100% dude you I uh we had this conversation the other day but the um creating your own content putting your own content out there and making your own content despite what you may believe your content is I woke up this morning I got a text tweet from some guy and he's like hey man I haven't had a birdcast in a week like what's going on and I was like n [ __ ] it and I hit like you know H I'll get on it I'm doing Rogan today enjoy that and then all of a sudden I was like [ __ ] it man I can get up and go to the man cave and bang out a podcast get up [ __ ] start talking incorporate my Vlog go out get the girls Donuts podcast the whole thing talk to the people at yum yums and it's like you're creating your own content is is being the owner of your own [ __ ] is where the future is it is but there are places that will let
you do your thing and that's where Netflix is right now Bill Bird just he has a show coming out December 18th it's called f is for family his experience with them has been amazing and him talking about his experience with them and and creating that show he's like they left me alone you know they they just let me do the best show that I could do he brought on a bunch of great people great voice actors great writers and he put together this [ __ ] banging animated show that's going to be killer they just let him be himself they let him do his thing they they they're [ __ ] getting it and their inter how soon how soon until they how soon until they get so w recognized that that [ __ ] 2020 does a piece on Netflix taking over public television or regular television and then exec start flooding into Netflix and Netflix becomes that from Comedy Central from NBC from those the real problem is those people that were in the original networks those dinosaurs those [ __ ] on CBS and NBC and ABC they are dealing with soap operas they're dealing with nonsense they're dealing with the the [ __ ] the multi camera shoot sitcoms you know well who could possibly do that door kicks in PR fall R oh it's Kramer you know what somebody did the other day somebody put out um a bunch of uh outakes from Seinfeld and you got to see like Angry Kramer oh he [ __ ] sizzled if anyone was in like laughing he would be like oh my God he would have hated working on news radio news radio we [ __ ] like I did a scene with Andy Dick where I think we probably broke like 10 times it was like 10 times to get through it cuz Andy was so funny like we we' do the things and I would I would bite myself I'd bite the inside of my mouth to get to hurt so I wouldn't laugh I would do all sorts of different things so that I wouldn't crack up but you you're gonna if it's a funny show you're gonna you're going to laugh I could have never done news radio I was watching the video just looked like he didn't give a [ __ ] about the scene he was waiting for his moment and he was waiting for his time to come in and shine and he didn't care that you know Julia Lise drus and Jerry Seinfeld were laughing they're all laughing and yucking it up he didn't want to be a
part of that he just wanted to do his thing yep if you watch it you watch him just go and like not even joking like oh stop it stop it you're ruining this like he [ __ ] seems like they all had some weird things going on like George George's wife who died in the show died because they she he didn't like her like acting with her he he's like sucks so they killed her off really yeah but that [ __ ] happen that is possible though man you could have a husband or a wife on a show and they're a goddamn Nightmare and you're stuck with those people that's years dude that's a real problem I had a friend who did a sitcom and he had like a girl friend on the sitcom That was supposed to be and he was like I [ __ ] hate her like she's she's such a [ __ ] like and he didn't know what to do fortunately it didn't last but they they have issues like that and you can you could run into issues like and also people change with success like the show starts getting really good and then they want a lot of money I've heard I've heard those crazy stories of people coming in to renegotiate and plopping their feet up on the executives desks and just letting them know they're the center of the show I'll never be that guy I know those guys man I know a guy who got his whole show cancelled because he said some nasty [ __ ] to an executive that was a woman he literally said the the the to paraphrase um I am the cre of Genius behind the show and you are a dumb [ __ ] that that was his words wow and they went that's a rap they canell the show the next day and he was only like a few episodes away from syndication you'll never see that show in syndication what I can't I'll tell you after the show's over after it's over I'll tell you I don't want to [ __ ] on the guy but it's uh publicly known that he's you know he's insane but that I think it's also like why did you become an actor in the first place why did you become a standup For A lot of people is they want validation because they were rejected and they have this hole in their soul they need to fill up with love and attention and they don't they didn't get enough of it when they were developing so they have this overwhelming maw this need this gaping volcano that just swallows couches and they just need attention
they can't fill that [ __ ] up and then once they get what they always wanted and they're still not happy they don't know what the [ __ ] to do and a lot of them become tyrants but here's the problem I don't think I what percentage of that group do you think does that that because I I got a little bit of that [ __ ] sinkhole like I'm a standup I I definitely everybody does that's that's what gets you into the game but I have no interest in and we were talking about this before you walked in I have no interest in um propaganda or or being famous being famous for the f sake of being famous although I I'll [ __ ] around with the concept of it I have no like I don't want to be Kim Kardashian I'd rather be a respected standup so what's the difference then between that [ __ ] that that sinkhole that's sucking in all all of you versus like us guys who I really love the art form I really love well the differen is between Like Larry David and Kramer Like Larry David is a creative brilliant man he's genius that show kirb your enthusiasm is [ __ ] genius and it's all him poking fun at himself and finding the best possible comedic angle of everything it's hilarious he's always the loser in every episode I mean it's it's it's goddamn it's a brilliant brilliant show and he by all accounts is a very level guy like very intelligent is not needy he just wants to do the best work he can do and brilliant brilliant absolutely brilliant that's the difference between a guy like him and a guy like Kramer and my thoughts on Kramer only from watching him do stand up that was I was there that was terrible I wasn't a guy that was into Seinfeld for whatever reason I never watched that show I only watched a couple episodes of it ever and it was a good show it's just there was only so many things you can watch you know and you get when you have South Park or married with children or whatever the [ __ ] it is on your plate that you watch a lot of you can only watch so many shows for whatever reason sefel wasn't the show that I watched all the time although the ones that I did watch were always really hilarious but I got to see him do stand up at the store and he was [ __ ] awful it was like a guy who had nothing prepared and just went up there with like a reputation and some Pratt
Falls and it didn't make any sense like it wasn't like he was trying to work out some bits like you'll see a guy come in and try to work out some [ __ ] like even like a famous person will come in like a Paul Riser or something like that will come into a club and they'll they'll try to work out some [ __ ] yeah that's not what he was doing what he what he was doing was just didn't make any sense I saw him at the Improv like uh the weekend before the weekend before the disaster yeah disaster and it was uncomfortable it was bad like you literally he fell and he landed on his glass and broke his glass like he did like a pratt fall and it broke his glass and all I remember thinking is did he just cut his hip like is he going to be bleeding now Bo Jesus it was like legit Falls I don't know yeah I called Joe up that night I'm like you got to see Kramer's on stage right now he's acting all [ __ ] up like he seems like he's on something he's with some girl that she's wasted too and then then he got off stage went to Laugh Factory It All Happened Jamie ran across the street with TMZ with the video Yeah and Brett erns was there so Brett erns came over to the store after cuz I got there at the comedy store right after he had gone wacky at The Comedy Store and there's a buzz around and Brian had called me up and a bunch of other people were talking about how [ __ ] coked up he was and so then he went down the Laugh Factory and had his meltdown and Brent erns was there and saw it he came back to the story he's like yo you ain't gon to you know Brent Brent talks he's like yo you ain't going to believe how [ __ ] crazy Kramer got at the lasted Adidas dog with the [ __ ] full tracksuit on dropping in bombs like a [ __ ] I go no he goes oh yeah these black kids were heckling them and he starts dropping in bombs and I'm like no like yeah I go was it funny he goes no no it wasn't funny he's like it's funny now and then Monday it hit and it was the first instance of a video Someone C being captured doing something like crazy like that and then then putting it on the internet and just ruining that person destroying them yeah here's the night when I called you that's right look at baby face Brian and you have a Caesar that's hilarious baby face Brian
and Kramer uh wow that was the first so so see if you can what are the top five instances of cameras coming out at a at a comedy club that a comic then had to do a Monday morning mopa you got Kramer who are the other ones well we got TSH but TSH didn't really do a mopa even his even his apology first of all that woman did not record it no one recorded it that's part of the problem was her version of The Facts were completely distorted so then you you disregard she wrote a whole blog about her heckling and his response to her heckled that's essentially what happened but but he acknowledged it he he definitely acknowledged it but he didn't apologize no but right there you I like here's here and I I'll to whittle it down to this what is the difference between like Daniel Tosh and Tracy Morgan and Patton Oswald acknowledging their they're getting [ __ ] blogged about versus Michael Kramer is it the fear the culture of fear what did Pat Oswald do Patton Oswald uh some woman was videotaping and and he yelled at her at the Whatchamacallit and uh and he said shut up and then he kicked her out and he was a dick to her and then she had to leave and then he had to just someone Google Patton Oswald yeah we don't need to we don't need to it's okay yeah I think Patton J cut my camera cut the camera Bert Cher smoking marijuana cut the camera this is um as Joey Diaz was say this is the pedophile smoke D at the church so yeah but but like so I count Tracy Morgan and Pat oswal and Daniel Tosh in the in the Michael Kramer [ __ ] right Dave Chappelle has a maybe have is the solution to all this uh well Hannibal came up with the solution first he started using it after the Bill Cosby thing that bag you give a bag to people and they put their cell phones in it so they can't record while they're in there they so but how many [ __ ] what if they have a cell phone in their sock you going to check their whole bones I think like they're talking about big theaters at Chappelle would be at where they would have the you know the security the the metal detectors you have has metal detectors at theaters well you know UFC has them they all have them in big theaters nowaday that's Arena though most of the theaters that we perform at
like if I perform at a place that's got 3,000 seats or something like they don't have metal detectors do they I don't know have you ever I think they do nowadays I mean look at Eagles Eagles of Death Metal you know that that kind of Arena Place probably has you know security and stuff like that how much time do we have left do I have another time for another drink yeah [ __ ] it I have another drink it's only 4:00 oh perfect bird [ __ ] he B was saying that he got to a point where he was drinking but [ __ ] Brian I told you when I said that these are secrets no I didn't say the I didn't say the rest of it Jamie Jamie jump in Jamie [ __ ] jump in secret Secrets AR no fun yeah Brian I said that was a secret I said I don't like to share everything cuz sometimes I wasn't going to say thate and buns are too honest and they don't go like they don't like like all you guys are very honest you don't you don't have you have my wife's thing if you want to if you want to feel better about yourself talk to Jamie and [ __ ] Brian if you want to hear the truth and the brutal truth talk to you Joey are are [ __ ] buns and so yes I was getting to a point where I was drinking a thing of not a handle of Tios but uh bot of Tios a night on the road that wasn't what I was going to say but you say [ __ ] that is what going to that was what he say absolutely he full [ __ ] yeah so and I also got the [ __ ] Doug Stan hope lump in my stomach a lump like a um hernia yeah I think so does it like when you you flex doeses your your intestines pop out yeah you get that fixed I know I can it's not that big a deal but I don't know if it's fat cuz I'm so fat right now I don't know if it's it how does it poke out I uh I tried sitting up in bed the other day and and I just noticed that my stomach I had like what looked like a sail in my center of my stomach so I was like and I I know Doug showed it to me a sail like Doug's got like three of them Doug's got a little different than mine but I Tex three hernas I texted Doug right away and was like hey man I think I got that thing you got and Doug was like ah I hung out with the doctor it's fine I hung out with a doctor was a gynecologist Doug's crazy my dad just got Heria last week that's right we're
talking about that I love I and I gotta say this and I know there's a lot of crossover fans if you are a Rogan fan and you're not listening to Doug's podcast you're missing out a huge portion of of just of what a podcast should be his podcast is so [ __ ] good he's great at everything he's great at [ __ ] everything but man his podcast he just so bummed out that he lives in the middle of nowhere I'm thinking about taking a road trip uhit Super Bowl do you do a Super Bowl party yeah just to roll out oh my God cuz it's not that big it's not that big anymore what are you talking about it's going to be now we're talking about it right now on a podcast you're going to be there he he released the address online what if what if I go I'm going too then it's going to compound they're going to get another 100 people it'll be chaos his streets would be overrun with retards here's let me see he give out his address he doesn't give a [ __ ] here's Stan hopes here's Stan Hope's reply nah I've successfully ignored it for quite a while and it's actually and I actually had a doctor say that he's ignored his for 30 years then I wrote back it's exactly what I wanted to hear it's fine unless you plan on lifting anything if you want to carry a sandbag up a hill you might have a problem with that thing because it'll tear further and as it your stomach wall tears further your intestines will poke out more and the hole can get bigger depending on how much you strain yourself yeah or you can just get it fixed yeah yeah I'm I'm going to get to a base level I'm G to get to like 230 and see where I'm at okay how about just get it checked out I could just get to 2:30 just go get a doctor to look at they'll probably be able to tell you right away and then you can go oh okay it's nothing when I'm 230 I'll do that it's got this thing huh that's the number 230 I get to 2:30 that's no health checks until 2:30 [ __ ] no health checks who rolls into a health check [ __ ] like unhealthy are you have you ever been on a horse cuz you're not allowed to ride a horse over 225 lbs so I've been on a lot of horses I've sprinted on horses wow that's I ran allow it to ride on a horse most horses can't go over 225 lbs unless there's just a giant horse I
didn't know that I ran Buffalo through Texas what about those Budweiser horses they're big as [ __ ] cdes you can totally ride that [ __ ] like Co and the Barbarian the new Game of Throne horses that's a cool horse yeah it seemed to me that that horse could like take me well I'm only 200 but if I was 220 I would think a horse could take me no problem those big giant horses they could take like three or four I bet those giant Clydesdale looking things they're so big one you ever been in front of one of those things in real life oh yeah oh my God they're so big like their muscles and like you think about the fact that this thing just lets you climb on its back and it runs don't get me started horses are incredible man I laid in bed with my dogs like last night and I thought uh I thought how [ __ ] cool I think that's in the Bible oh a never mind ignore the story Prank Caller how cool how cool is it to like like get in bed with two Warriors who ready to go to [ __ ] battle for you if someone rolls in the bedroom I was like I really felt like Jon Snow like I was like funny I was like man I'm sitting here with Priscilla Mona is a little [ __ ] dog but Priscilla who's like 130 lbs just sitting there just at my leg just staring at the door sleeping face to the door any noise made she's up and willing to die for me I thought how cool is it like my wife would never do that female dogs are super protective they're really good at that how many how many pites did you lay in bed with at one time I had three in bed at one time who [ __ ] okay think about how how defensible that is no F who [ __ ] best no but who out of the three ones who's your favorite to come on who who who which one's got bald D there an owl here no who could [ __ ] with that bedroom you got three pull and you and a bed like that's someone with guns great equalizer is guns the great equalizer I need to get a gun it's about time good that's what everybody is scared of people thinking now when you have like the S Bernardino thing that happened is that people are just going to be ready and armed and and we're going to turn into some sort of a a military State I mean how many of these things can you know two of them happened yesterday here's another weird
thing most people don't know that there was a second armed mass shooting and killing in Georgia what uh yeah it was near Atlanta on the same day same day there was uh four people were killed in Georgia I think was it in Atlanta yeah it was it was in Atlanta and you know it's one of those things that I do not know know if there's a [ __ ] solution for it's it's one of those weird things where you look at the amount of guns that exist you look at the amount of people that there are the amount of disenfranchised people with mental illnesses the amount of people that are religious Fanatics the amount of people that are just [ __ ] batshit crazy and when you deal with 350 million people which is I think what the United States is now somewhere between 300 and 350 you're gonna you're going to have a certain amount of nutty [ __ ] people man it's this almost no avoiding it there's so much pressure and stress and life is difficult for you you're you're a successful guy with three TV shows and you're talking about how much you have to drink to be on a plane you're talking about anxiety that you get in a hotel room and you're a successful standup comedian and a television host of three [ __ ] shows you your life is balling you got a beautiful wife you have a great family you're hilarious you're a good guy like everything is in place and you still Freak Out imagine some guy who's married to some monster who works for a tyrant who lives in a [ __ ] hole who's every day just looking there crime and flat tires and stealing and breaking and entering and that's his life every day all day constantly and there's a lot of people like that out there man there's a lot of people that don't get any love they have no place in their life where it feels like they're making a connection they've missed they've slammed in the walls at every turn they have a dumb job they don't give a [ __ ] about that a robot can do they're idiots and they they just realize it and they're [ __ ] horrified and they're angry and their their programming from birth to today has been nothing but dog [ __ ] by shitty parents and shitty circumstances and shitty genetics shitty neighborhood shitty life experiences bullying rape molestation alcoholism racism constantly over and
over and over and over and over and over and they somehow survive to get to the point where they get their hands on a gun that's what we're dealing with that's what we're dealing with what we're dealing with is humans freaking out and finding a way to kill other humans to focus on the mechanism in which they're doing that with we're missing a giant piece of the puzzle there's too many [ __ ] guns for sure it's too easy to get a gun for sure you should have look I have guns you should have to take tests okay you should have to be some very stringent requirements on your capabilities we we we should know exactly how you do you know where the safety is do you know what's the safe way to point the gun do you know how to load it correctly do you know how to clean it do you clean it like you just have this Ultimate Weapon of Destruction and you don't have to have any knowledge of how to use it at all but to have a car you have to show that you could turn earn you can hit the breaks you can hit the blinkers you have to show all this competency you have to show all this knowledge of all the laws and all the rules you don't need to show none of that thing to get a gun all you have to do is just not be a criminal that's all you have to do don't be a criminal are you a criminal we're going to do a little check on you Mr ker oh you're not a criminal well here's your gun okay question number two are you an idiot are you and who's to decide who's to decide who the [ __ ] are you cuz I'm an idiot to a lot of people I would say a lot of people are idiots and they would be idiots to me and to them there'd be some people that they know that would be stupid as [ __ ] well there's levels of people you know you and I are not at the top we're just not there's people out there that invented Wi-Fi and they're using lasers to give us [ __ ] satellite communication and all the crazy [ __ ] that you and I know of that we can never invent on our own there's some people out there way [ __ ] smarter than us dude and they're making that [ __ ] that's the reality of life I'm so high yeah we're a little too high for this conversation too high literally too high too high to break it down I was like I was like you know what scares me the
most about this San Bernardino killing is it didn't surprise me yeah that's what scares me the most what scares me the most is like oh another one seems like almost every day now like like every day it's been something right almost well they have that calendar out that the calendar shows that it's like literally 13 days a month there's mass shootings Isis Advent calendar is that what it is for Real oh maybe I don't do enough research but like it just seems so crazy well the here's the problem is exactly what you said is I love I agree something's wrong with our system with the guns there something needs to be done something needs to be changed because we have a lot of [ __ ] mass killings and and from what I hear from Jim Jeff act there's none in Australia like well they took the guns away they had a mass killing I think quite a while ago Jim Jeff was in the 80s Jim Jeff has a very a viral bit that every time there's a mass shooting he gets another 12 million views and I and and I love Jim I'm not [ __ ] on him but like but like it is about that fact there was one mass shooting and they all took their guns back and they've never had another killing mass shooting in Australia well you're dealing with a place that has way less people here's Australia 20 million people and mostly in Two Cities yeah there's very few people so what that is is less the country of Australia is pretty massive as well right it's gigantic it's the same size as the contiguous that's how they say it contiguous or continuous the entirety of the United States of America same size of the whole us yep same size essentially and they've got the population of LA in there yeah less less than La [ __ ] LA's got 20 million people plus Mexicans okay let's be honest what are the real numbers oh it's got to be through the [ __ ] I love Mexicans I'm not hating on illegal immigrants I love people that are willing undented workers whatever you want to call them I call them Mexicans I love people that have the courage to do something illegal to better their life yeah and I think a lot of them are great I think a lot of them are they embody what America is supposed to be America is supposed to be this place where you can go and you could
make it you know this this spot where it's Freedom you don't you don't get suppressed by just [ __ ] generation after generation of people doing it wrong you can get the [ __ ] out of Mexico woo and you get to America and just hustle just go to work just get just go after it there's jobs out there go get them but then what about the Syrian refugees yeah man it's good question everyone [ __ ] doesn't want them well listen it's against our it's against what makes us up to not welcome them exactly first of all those are the people that are leaving the bad people like would we assuming that everybody over there is bad you can't do that because then that's a self-fulfilling prophecy if you won't let them in and you don't treat them give them open arms like just because they're Muslims that's ridiculous well hold on some of the some of the attackers in Paris were Syrian refugees mhm so and that's is that true 100% yeah well 100% for whatever I [ __ ] know yeah I mean I don't I don't know I think what they got to look out for is young radicalized single men you know uh yeah that's what that's what the entirety of this movement seems to be is these radicalized young younger men like that Jihadi John guy was like a former rapper from England and he joined Isis like there there's a lot of people that are joining this it's very strange dude it's very strange like girls are joining and they're getting killed you know they one one of the girls recently got beaten to death and another one got murdered it's like what is going on I thought it was closeted homosexuals at first I thought all ter terrorists were what I thought they were all just closeted homosexuals they're going to come after you chir don't say my you're worried about com you're worried about Comedy Central but you're not worried about saying that [ __ ] hilarious that's hilarious now you've been drawing Muhammad the whole time that's hilarious you don't hear a lot of like like like homosexuality is so kept down there like maybe they're just guys that are [ __ ] no I don't think that's what it is sitting in a cave like hey I'll blow you the guy's like what and he's like I said blow up let's go blow each other up oh no how dare you it's just radical ideologies man that's all it is the idea this the
fact that there could be anything out there anything anything call it whatever you want don't call it don't even call it a name just think about whatever it is the energy and the influence that leads someone to go shooting a bunch of random people I think one of the problems with labeling things when we start saying oh this was a mass shooting this was a Rel religious killing this was a Jihadi cell this was a we give it all these titles and names but just separate yourself from culture like pretend you're an alien or something and you're looking at this you're looking at this from afar and you're just looking at this as some sort of an equation or something like that you're watching what's going down like what is it what's going down like what is it that can these things down here can convince themselves of by manipulation of communication so they've got to wait talk to each other they've got a way to relay ideas and they've got a way to reinforce opinions and ideas that are thousands of years old and they got a way that it's so strong that it can make some of them explode and just go around kill random people and think somehow or another they're doing it for the greater good so they'll through this this ancient ideology this this whatever it is call it whatever you want but through through this influence by some people's minds that's projected somehow or another into another person's mind and it convinces that person to kill random people forget about what you call it forget about whether it's Islam or Christianity or Mormonism or Scientology forget the names forget it just forget even the language that it's been spoken in look at it in terms of what are the noises that are made by the humans that create the reaction and what are those noises what are those noises what are those words what are those written things represent they represent like a almost like a living idea a living idea that wants to express itself like through the filter of the language and the culture like what is it what is it that causes something to want to get people to go after people that are opposed to this idea or that have differing ideas and kill them just kill them bad parenting it's all bad parenting Isis is the worst parenting in the world if you think about it that's
what it is right well it might it there's there might be a point to that yeah there might be a point to all it is well to all the ancient cultures right like if you think about people that made a break like those are the ones that seem to be the healthiest like the Australians they made a break from England they got in a boat they got kicked out they were a prison Colony right so they made them get in a boat go over to Australia and live there right that's essentially how Australia started yeah but look them they're [ __ ] amazing their cities are incredible the people are cool as [ __ ] they're generally like really easy to talk to and friendly they're smart like dude melbour was amazing it's like a like I almost didn't want to tell people about it I'm almost over here I'm like whoa this is where else is there like this in the world oh dude a Australia is like your girl your girlfriend's younger hotter sister you sit down at Thanksgiving and you're like [ __ ] I didn't know she was coming but look what it is it's a it's a it's a civilization that emerged or a culture that emerged out of a break from an old culture they start they kind of had a reset and they started fresh the people that are stuck in these spots that are super ancient you're dealing with this pattern repeating itself over and over again it's hard to break so what you're saying is like all my friends that when I go down to Tampa they never left Tampa and they're kind of still using racial slurs yeah what that is is on a global scale people that have never left that area for thousands of years exactly is it just it's just ignorance so experience begets uh kind of open-mindedness well I think that it's just it's very difficult to break out of the hive and if you're in a hive mind of people that are essentially thinking the same way they did when Alexander the Great was around it's very it's hard like Afghanistan is a perfect example there's really only one city I mean I don't know much about Afghanistan h honestly because I really I haven't been there but I've talked to many people that have been there soldiers that have fought there and I've absorbed as much as I could what they were trying to say and try to figure it out but essentially
what it seems like is you have one city and then you have these strange areas that are controlled by Warlords like a lot of them they have like these areas where Afghanistan is not just like a like like what I'd imagine Iraq to be it's insanely Mountain insane like so just like a small town in in in uh say Butler Ohio would be controlled by a warlord mhm almost using that yeah yeah no targets well you know John McCain I remember this was trying to impart that on on uh Barack Obama when they were debating when they were running for president McCain and Sarah Palin and he said the exact same words that I just said like that's where I got it from him initially and until I started looking into it and talking to these guys that went over there they said it's like the same as when Alexander the Great was around and that's what McCain said he said to Obama like this is you you don't understand Afghanistan you're saying we're just going to send troops in there you can't just do that like this is like the Rocky Mountains I mean it's [ __ ] crazy it's all mountains these guys are living out there in caves I mean these Taliban guys are living in caves you got these dudes are Warlords and they got like 20 wives and they're giving them Viagra to get them to talk they give these guys Viagra to rat on the Taliban really yes that's how they would give that's how it would get them to talk they would give them Viagra that sounds like something on the Internet that's a real thing no this is one of the government's main uses of bribery or main uh main made items that they would bribe people with yeah because these guys would get like 60 and they got 20 wives they can't [ __ ] them anymore and then someone American GI comes along and he's like yeah man what do you need dude well you know let's uh let's talk we got guns you know do you need guns he's like I've got plenty of guns my friend and like do you need girls I got eight twen wives my friend I don't need you I got a blue pill that makes your dick hard let's talk let's talk take a left up at the light I'll tell you right now I never like those [ __ ] little blue pills among the way CIA wins friends in Afghanistan I thought I was having a stroke that came on so fast
look at that Afghan Chieftain looked older than his 60 year 60 odd years and his bearded face bore the creases of a man burdened with the duties as tribal patriarch and husband to four younger women see there you go they gave him Viagra dude they gave him Viagra I recently tried real Viagra and real SE and it's [ __ ] [ __ ] compared to the stuff you get at the gas station that [ __ ] that [ __ ] yeah you were talking about on one of the podcasts we did recently he Brian would take these uh boner pills that you would get at a gas station you know closing bit right well no he you know how you have those things like where there's like a a little lighter container and there's a breath mint container and right when you go to pay at the gas station there's like porn almost where it's like like a naked girl getting [ __ ] by some whatever it's like you know blue Dynamite you dig be hard like blue steel you know well these things are like a a cocktail of steroids and um really yeah steroids Viagra acorns things like that and and then it's it's what's crazy though is that I this guy in a wheelchair recently came to the show he's a comedian from Chicago I can't remember his name right now and he goes I always hear about the boner pills well I get him because I'm in a wheelchair and the [ __ ] strength I want you to like have these so he gave me a whole box of them and I to took one I was like oh this is an okay what did you say the [ __ ] strength no he's like really really strong like they're like like you know they're at the normal level right okay that's what he say I I think he said that I'm really having a hard time understanding what you're saying I'm sorry I'm stoned I can't tell him I can't tell him so he gave me the high like high versions of them and I took them and being used to the only the kinds that you get at the store they're like really like [ __ ] versions like of what you can get at 7-Eleven for $6 I just think that what you're getting at 7-Eleven is a lot of illegal steroids too that's what it is like you're taking something and you're just getting jacked up on testosterone sure maybe but I'm saying if you want to if if you're if you're going to [ __ ] a 21-year-old you're like you know I I better do something right
here I'm just saying go with that one yeah but what I'm saying is like I I appreciate the uh the results like I think it sounds like you're right it SWS it would be a good idea to get that stuff tested to find out exactly what's in it cuz I guarantee you they're not consistent I mean if you're just getting like this random [ __ ] from who knows where but after fake Viagra but after looking at 4,000 different reports from the FDA they're all just like the worse of steroids and it's just a teeny bit of steroids in your dick you know it's not like it's you're pumping it in like a needle in your arm and I'm not a some of the stronger steroid there's some pretty well I don't see some of the stronger there's some really strong ones that you uh you eat they're orals I think one of them I think if I'm not correct there's this one I knew this bodybuilder guy was insane and he would take some [ __ ] called anadol 50 it is supposed to be like one of the more liver toxic ones but I can't remember whether was um whether it was a uh one you ate or one you injected but the guys that were beyond that this this buddy of mine who took it he was a serious bodybuilder he's also he became a Jiu-Jitsu black belt if you saw him now you would never believe that he was a serious bodybuilder because he's like really lean almost like a runner it's like a tall guy like maybe 6'2 really strong like super super tight um grip and great Jiu-Jitsu but uh he was on this stuff this anald draw [ __ ] and he said some guy said something to him at at a red light and he said he didn't even realize what was happening until he was reaching through the guy's window beating the [ __ ] out of him like he sort of like woke up in the middle of beating the [ __ ] out of this guy parked his car like some guy yelled at him like [ __ ] you old man or something like that and he snapped and said he didn't even re and then it's when he realized like okay I can't I can't be doing this anymore holy [ __ ] and he got away with it somehow or another he he didn't get arrested or I don't know what he did to the guy I don't think this was Jiu-Jitsu training I don't want to say the guy's name but I don't think this is when he was training Jiu-Jitsu I think it was before I think it was just bodybuilding holy [ __ ] I I think and I
think that's one you eat I think that's an oral one so if they took that stuff and put it in his [ __ ] little dick pills they might have a you might have quite a significant pop you know Earl skel you know Earl SK he he's one of my favorite people ever I was just on his podcast and he's like the boner pill connoisseur like he knows r c is the guy who just had Rel to a Kennedy yes no he just had oh just Tommy Tommy moris on it which is an amazing amazing interview so I I was amazing is a overstated it is it's eye opening it's a really great interview it's it's interesting if you're in comedy yeah I wouldn't say it's amazing no it's eye opening it's eye opening how crazy yeah it is well that's what we were dealing with for a long time that's the the number one reason why I came back to The Comedy Store so I was just on his does agree with that I was just on his podcast yesterday I was the next person after Tommy and that interview made me so mad that I kind of blew up a little bit on on his podcast but we also talk about boner pills and you can actually buy the ingred like a lot of ingredients on Amazon and stuff like that that will give you the same results as like a boner pill that are healthy and stuff like that as like zinc can I stop you right here cuz I don't I I've never needed a Viagra but I have friends that I like you that I can't imagine need a Viagra or a boner pill what does it do does it all I need is something that doesn't make me come as fast no well that's different that's called a condom that's alcohol no I meant well I'm with my wife like I would love something that made me not climax so quickly alcohol but that doesn't work obviously yeah last time I can last for three hours everybody's different fell yeah so but what ises a what does bager do does it like do you have a problem getting a hard dick it's it's a Vaso dilator it's what what's crazy is it's banned in the Olympics as a performance-enhancing drug because it has a beneficial effect on athletic performance a measurable effect on athletic performance and it has something to do I might butcher this but with your body's production of n Trix oxide I think that's what it is that stuff that's in like NO2 Max and all
these pump things and that stuff apparently has a beneficial effect on muscle and athletic performance that nitric oxide side stuff so you don't need it to you can you can get your yeah but see it's not that it doesn't what it the way it works it's not that like Brian would just automatically get a heart out of nowhere just like will it You' still have to be in the presence with a girl that you thought was attractive and you do it it's just like you would normally you know be attractive start making out with someone but your dick would get hard as a [ __ ] crowbar it's like everything's dialed up to 10 yeah it's like more like a swollen like a snake bite or here's the thing is that it's yes your your dick is maximized but here's the thing is that it it's your whole body your whole body is experiencing this like your muscles are experiencing this all of your muscles are experiencing this it's not just your dick mus local it doesn't really do anything for you well no it's not that that do not what I'm saying if you use it and run like if you did exercise and you did something you would have like more endurance you'd have like more work output it could benefit you to a point in at least some way in a measurable way that the Olympic Committee is like N I don't think so and you you can't have it in your system I know cyclists have used it you know um so if I took one I would just feel like a rock star in that my dick was bigger and I could fully engorged like to the fullest see I like it at like at massage parlor because you usually are too nervous like where the girl is like like working and you can't get hard or without touching yourself you're just laying there your dick's crushed but when you flip over you want to have a nice healthy dick so she can take care of you and so boner pills really help out like in situations like that where you want a boner all time here's the thing about encouraging people to take those things you don't know who's going to make the next batch this is the reality of having supplements that aren't really they're not really examined that you can just sell them you know what the worst thing that happens is someone catches the fact that you have a prescription drug in there like a seis or something like that
and this is according to Aubrey I asked him about it and he he understands like the the the rules on things like this he said that what they do is they essentially just find you and these people reopen under a different name and they just go right back at it because they develop a reputation where people like Brian know they go and there's a little thing with the [ __ ] lighters and the breath mints and the boner pills they're right there at those things work that's why they're selling them then they're not placebos they [ __ ] work and it's easy to get that stuff from China or wherever the [ __ ] they get it from Russia I don't know where do they get you got to watch out some of the China uh fake Viagra and stuff can actually contained like poison recently that's what I'm saying dude that's what I'm saying don't be [ __ ] around with that I mean I I had some stuff that I can still buy today that makes me trip like I start seeing visuals so I stopped with that one but I want to know what it that that one is so I've been waiting for the FDA to that one you that's what Anderson Silva got popped for when he got popped for steroids he wasn't taking steroids he was taking a Viagra that was like from China and when they had made this stuff in the laboratory it was somehow or another contaminated by steroids and he had to admit this but this is I know this from people in his camp like they were talking about this is this isn't a madeup story it's embarrassing and it's crazy but it's totally true when you buy stuff like from these random companies in China there are some that do an awesome job of making sure that all the ingredients and whatever you're buying from them are pure but there's some that just they don't bother to clean out the Machinery so like if you have a vitamin B12 and right before you had the vitamin B12 order they had some other stuff in there some vitamin C or whatever it could easily get mixed up in to a measurable amount and amount that'll show up in a drug test it's possible it's totally possible 100% And when you looked at Anderson's results like he tested positive before the fight like outside of training and then he tested negative like I think at the weigh-ins and then positive or something along those lines then positive after the fight there was
like a it was it didn't make any sense and they were trying to figure out how how is this happening like this doesn't make any sense like that the steroids should stay in your system for a longer period of time it doesn't make any sense that they would be there at one time not be there and another time like what was the variable and then Anderson had to like come out and have like a press conference and said that I took this weird Viagra [ __ ] and that's why the the tests were so odd what a weird world it is the world of like trying to figure out what you can get away with and what you can't get away with to beat someone's ass better what a weird world that where you got to [ __ ] figure out that it was viagra pills that's all I went to was like I guess he tested it what am I allergic to type thing where you're like what did I have oh [ __ ] I had this indigestion one day what was that and someone's like is it peanuts you're like [ __ ] was what a crazy world is as you're telling the story I couldn't read your shirt and I went I don't know if you posted it but Roy Jones Jr is easily in my opinion watching him fight the most beautiful fighter that ever lived yeah he's if I had to choose my all-time favorite boxer it either be Roy Jones Jr or Mike Tyson those are my two all-time favorite boxers Tyson's knockout Sizzle is [ __ ] phenomenal but Roy Jones Jr fighting mhm well both of them were just [ __ ] incredible in in a different way I mean Tyson was incredible in like a violent storm and Roy Jones Jr was just a virtuoso who could do [ __ ] that nobody else could do and reinvented how to engage Roy Jones Jr you know barely threw Jabs Roy Jones would throw a lead left hook that was as fast as anybody else's jab and he would crack dudes with that [ __ ] off the back leg and he would hit dudes and you would see their reaction to the speed of Roy's punches and they'd be like oh my God when they realized what a different level he was on like one of my favorite Roy Jones Jr fights was Roy Jones Jr versus Vinnie Penza because Vinnie Penza Vinnie yeah he was going way up in his weight class I mean Vinnie was a much smaller guy and he's you know he got real big and Juiced up and he was you know he was tough as [ __ ] but he was just too short it wasn't built for the weight class Vinnie P came
fast fought Roy Jones and it was the only round ever where the compy Box numbers showed the opponent Landing zero punches zero Roy just lit him up with like a Christmas tree and did whatever he wanted to the point where he Vinnie couldn't land a single punch it had never been recorded before I don't know if it has since but that's how good Roy Jones was at the time and Roy Jones was beat in his ass he knocked him down and he turned to the referee saying please stop this and the referee said nope keep fighting he said all right so he he dove in with an uppercut cracked him like lifted him up in the air and and and planted him on the ground holy [ __ ] he was a [ __ ] when he was at his prime dude he was a Marvel a Marvel of movement like he had a level of movement to him like you can say that Bernard Hopkins might have been more fundamentally sound or Julio Cesar Chavez might have had like a a more uh a more gritty in-your-face game cuz Roy would kind of hang on the outside and pick shots and decide what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it but when it comes to like movement the best ever nobody moved like that guy nobody moved like that guy Roy Jones Jr there's a video of him this guy throws a a punch and he counters with a right left like a straight right and oh no was a left hook and a right hand like and he counters with it so fast like you can't even believe it's real and it's just like one of those little quick Vine clips and you just watch them and go he just and the the guy's like central nervous system just shut off there was a time for a few years where he was just Unstoppable Force I missed it I missed it I was there man I was there I was watching the whole time I couldn't believe it he was so much better than everybody else at the time so much faster it was ridiculous when he fought James Tony dude he fought James Tony the the Assassin he fought the killer from Detroit he fought James Tony who was just a slick boxer with nasty knockout pow tough as [ __ ] and Roy Jones Jr just showed him another level of movement just another level you know yeah dropped his hands and then Tony dropped his hands like in response like and then Roy leaps in with the left cook cracks right in the chin and drops him was like just like like don't [ __ ] do what I'm
doing [ __ ] like he was just on such a different level how's Ro how Roy how's Roy Jon Jr it's funny that I said that so drunk than I was look at this look how good look this is him and Vinnie Penza ban fourth round where he gets that zero yeah this is the fourth round there's glass Joe and Vinnie Penza was a tough guy he knocked out my friend Dana Rosen blat who was a guy that I used to train with back in the day in Boston under Joe Lake was they uh a boxing coach that I knew from back then so I was a big fan of Vinnie penz he's tough as [ __ ] but he was really like way out of his weight class Roy was so much bigger than him so that Vinnie even though he was a big guy because he had all that muscle on him his actual frame was nowhere near the frame of Roy you know he was more like a guy he fought a lot of like really tough guys at lower weight class too but you look at him there he looks almost like a bodybuilder he does finny Pas uh and his training partner came out to a show that I did in uh New Jersey with Mr Sam man I think I want to say that's right dude this is crazy watching this you forget how fast Roy was there's just no one like him at the time man and you know one of the things that really messed with Roy was that when Roy Nelson was in his prime there was a guy named Gerald mclen and Gerald mclen was uh I want to say he was a light heavyweight champion Gerald mlen how do I know that name Gerald mlen was a famous boxer who was a world champion I want to say light heavyweight but I might I might be incorrect um and Gerald was uh one of the guys from The Croc gym under Emanuel Stewart okay and he was just merking people man he was nasty he was so good and he fought this dude named Nigel Ben they fought in Italy or in uh uh England rather and it was this W I believe it was England wild crazy ass fight and Nigel Ben went through the ropes in the first round and Gerald mlen was just putting it on him and then later in the fight something happened um there was like a clash of heads and Nigel Ben went or uh and then Geral mlen went down to one knee and then he quit the fight and they were like we can't believe this the fight's over and then he collapsed in his corner and he had some serious brain
bleeding man and uh went to the hospital and they did their best to alleviate it but to this day he's blind he can't walk he's in a wheelchair he's all [ __ ] up he has a very very short memory of life you know of like of who he was and his capacity's been like radically diminished but he was he was the guy that people were saying one day Roy Jones Jr and Geral mclen are going to fight and it's going to be crazy cuz Gerald was a monster Gerald was a monster and now you know that Gerald got [ __ ] up it I think it affected Roy Jones I think it affected him like psychologically where he realized like hey that could happen to that guy that could happen to me too you know and so he fought a lot more smart took less risks you know but how many concussions like I I don't I studed this before how many concussions do you think is too many it's a good question seven because I've had I definitely had seven I think any grown man has to at least have five by the time you're 18 um I definitely had at least five one by the time I was 18 I think I gave one to myself the other day I like bent down I told you about this like I bent down and my have like a sleigh bed thing like a wooden thing just cracked my head really hard on the corner like picking up a shoe like and I saw the flash of light I just laid down I'm like all right I'm not passing out I'm not passing out yeah you probably gave yourself a concussion yeah um I don't know you you'd have to talk to uh scientist I don't know have you had to Ballpark it I'll B I'll ballpark mine at I've had a couple for sure oh I've definitely had a couple but like I think everyone's had a i me like I've had I've had a couple go to the hospital couple yeah I've had two definitive ones where I had to go to aital hospital for them see the problem with sparring all the time is you get them and you don't know if you got them or not cuz you're not going to a doctor so there was nights where I would just lay in bed my head would be throbbing you know and and just me and some other meat head had beaten the [ __ ] out of each other in the gym just doing boxing sparring or kickboxing sparring yeah that's there there had to be a bunch there had to be like three or four in there memory no my memory is excellent
yeah it's in it's only excellent about things I care about though I have a but that's just my mind I just don't when I don't give a [ __ ] about something like it's gone I just don't I have developed this over the years it's just my my uh style of focusing on things if I don't give a [ __ ] about something I don't pay any attention to it I just can't because I know how you know I know how my brain works yeah so what I know about I know about and what I don't give a [ __ ] about like what was it I don't remember I don't just don't remember things I remember things that are super important though but it's never like I don't give a [ __ ] where my car is oh wait the [ __ ] where the [ __ ] my car no yeah like I I don't know I feel like I've had I've definitely feel like I might be on the upside of concussions but you mean by the up meaning I'm on the higher end of the spectrum yeah um if you're not experiencing any problems I wouldn't worry about it I think experiencing problems would be pretty obvious yeah once you start having like real problems like memory problems or if you um heard of um the guy who was the quarterback for the Chicago Bears Jim McMahon yeah for Jim Perry was that the test if I could remember his name I was trying to remember his name as I was saying it but he was the uh you know the star of the Super Bowl that guy was an animal and now he's all [ __ ] up there's a Sports Illustrated article I read about him when they're talking about uh he would just like forget what he was doing he'd be in the middle of his house and just not know why he's there or where where he's going might have his keys in his hand not know where he was headed to and he knows he's got something going on on br's got that [ __ ] coming down the line 100% man they all have it you're in there in the arena you're clashing heads and they came up old school those guys came up before they really understood CTE they came up as in like if you're not a hard no nose quarterback then you're not [ __ ] what are you going to be [ __ ] Joe Montana you going to be earning your money because you live in Milwaukee it's [ __ ] hard sport dude there's no way around that sport being hard you get the biggest super athletes in the world and they're sprinting your way sprinting
[Music] some of those guys are bigger and stronger and faster than humans have ever been ever and they're trying to get you cuz you got that ball dude I couldn't even jump onto my side right now and not get hurt heart God like if they said just jump on your side hold a football and jump on your side I've broken a rib diving for something and landed on my arm wrong in a lot of ways you got to think that like playing football is one of the most courageous Sports because at least in a fight you only have one dude and if you're better than that guy you can control the action if you understand what's going on you can control it to a certain extent yeah like Bernard Hopkins is still fighting into his 50s right he's 50 now he's still fighting he's still like at a world class level you know he he beat some guy when he was 49 for a title Ian this is insane right why does he do that he does it because he can control the action he controls it like he makes sure that he's in the right position at all times he's constantly controlling exactly what's going on Bernard Hopkins is the only black guy my wife's ever wanted to [ __ ] oh oh Jesus Christ can't all right let's wrap it up everybody I'm at the IR did she write it down no we were we were we were sitting on the couch whoa did you hard no it's just an interesting guy out of all the guys that she could have named it was Bernard Hopkins wow did you get hard when you thought about it no no not at all give me a drake give me a great what if she went Lenny Kravitz would that be intimidating I saw his dick I can beat it oh my God especially with some zinc yeah when with Lenny with those pants like that was ridiculous on impressive well was what's hilarious about it was like it almost seemed like a CGI dick like it came out so perfectly it didn't kind of like half tuck no it went hello like a 1950s tattoo of a dick it's just exactly it just jumped out of nowhere I mean his pants ripped and his dick went how are you I'm not saying that mine would be better unprepared like I need to prepare mine to present it but but [ __ ] I saw his dick I was like I could beat that yeah
it seemed like it was like a dick radar in some ways like on Facebook like all the guys going oh whatever man he's got a huge dick and you're like oh now we know what your dick size is that's it's a Justice Warrior they're like going they're just saying that cuz he's black yeah soop if he was white they would just say they'd mock his dick they'd mock it you heard about Justin Bieber's dick no I haven't heard about his dick well he had a better giant dick yeah he's had a better he has a massive hog apparently no you saw it yeah oh I Googled it I looked for Justin Bieber's dick and then Googled how old is Justin Bieber before I searched his dick but like yeah apparently there's pictures of him on a beach naked and he's [ __ ] hung like a horse no one says a [ __ ] word but everyone says Lenny krait's little tiny dick is massive [ __ ] [ __ ] man bro you seem angry does he seem angry you Jamie how much time we have left in the podcast let's wrap this bit like 7 minutes left why you so upset I'm no I'm not upset I'm just I'm not there's no [ __ ] I have no connection to either with dick I'm just saying it seems like a weird thing to have on your mind to the point I mean you're a you know a father you have children you've been traveling the world you were on a moped in Vietnam and a rice Patty we were talking on a cell phone the other side of the world these are these are like amazing amazing experiences here you are his dick is [ __ ] I'm a I'm a Grassroots guy do you hate the color of your dick I wish I could I wish I could I wish they made dick cream to jerk off with so that it would like Sheen your dick to a perfect side body feel like this like oh perfect yeah i' I've actually thought of that as an invention dick for real dead serious wow like you go into a dermatologist and you're like hey let's what if you had like a like a stripping material just like [ __ ] make it perfect and you give it to a guy hey once a month jack off for this and your dick will be like [ __ ] Kathy Griffin brand new yeah but I think that you would miss your veins you might you might yeah if you had just like a smooth weird fake cylinder looking dick even if it felt good like an Andy Warhol dick like what do you prefer here's a perfect example
do you prefer big stretched out fake tits or big real tits oh big real yeah that's big real why because they're real cuz when you try to grab the nipple it slips away from you like someone trying to get to a different somebody grabs your dick and it feels like a FedEx tube yeah yeah it's just perfectly round and smooth and you just want to [ __ ] stick a fishing rod in there it's a tube for mailing things that's not a dick dicks are supposed to be uneven just like nipples like if if you got like if you look at a girl's nipple the the if you get really close to it like a magnifying glass it's it's chaos it's all sorts of stuff going on there the skin is all crazy like a like the the bud of a artichoke like arti tight loose Morgan Freeman moles or whatever those face moles are there's little dots all around it you know but it's beautiful and it's imperfection that's like half of the thrill of it if it was just completely doll likee and smooth on the nipple and then smooth in the areola and then the breast where there's no veins there was it was just smooth like a like a bowl of jello like a Broadway show EXA yeah like a [ __ ] robot man you wouldn't want that you wouldn't want that it might look good though no it might look clean what the girls would call clean or on fle but half of the thing about sex is animalistic man the dirtiness the humiliation no oh yeah I disagree I disagree [Laughter] too when are we going to wrap this podcast up just just no I just got to the place where I'm so [ __ ] up you shouldn't be talking on the air yeah listen nothing bad has been said talking about arolas I love dark ones no no no I like uh I like my wife is like a high pink I like that okay like it's it just seems it seems real I want real I don't want to go into strip club and and have them be able to get naked like that I want them to like take Bo off no I want the realness I want to see see like sock marks in their legs want the realness oh sock marks like I want real okay let's Wrap This [ __ ] Up This is going going to go south sock marks on the leg I just got back from Columbus Ohio and you're you're not allowed to be naked there and so all the girls had pasties but they would have
like darker nipple looking pasty so it looked like they all just had really big areola dark areola nipples how ridiculous you have to have a thin rubber sheet over the outside of your nipple and if you go outside you can just take your shirt off cuz it's legal in Columbus Ohio to just take your shirt off outside but when you're inside at the strip club you have to put pasties on in Columbus it's legal to be topless if you're a woman it's been there for forever it's you can just walk around with no that's hilarious what a dumb business hey are you upset at all the freedom that you have with girls nipples out there on the street well come on inside come on inside we'll show you a water down version of what's available right outside our door charge you Christy Tan's a nipple Warrior who's that I don't know I just read it the other way she's a nipple Warrior what does that mean I don't even know what the [ __ ] demie Moore's kid a nipple Warrior they're nipple Warriors what does that mean they like they want everyone to be able to see their nipples oh okay okay like a really sheer shirt or something like that no no no no no no no they want to go if you if we had time typing Demi Moore's kid she just walks around shirtless shirtless uh about got to be like 20 or something you're talking about jeno baby jeno yeah yeah yeah yeah something one of their names Ryder something wa rain or something Rickles Rickles one of their [ __ ] one of the more kids more T Roger Mo whatever [ __ ] name Dem Mo Dem Demi Moore's [ __ ] how much time Joe what we RoR like five minutes now her name is rumor rumor Moore type in rumor more uh nipple don't leave that little kid alone no it's a [ __ ] grownup it's a real grownup type the goddamn thing in type it in [ __ ] nipple RoR nipple what yeah that's W Jamie what the [ __ ] B Cher ladies and gentlemen give it up for bur Cher I'll be at the irine Improv all weekend will you be yeah really Irvine Improv start oh that [ __ ] place is the bomb dignity Irvine Improv the new one like a 500 cater that place is awesome it's the [ __ ] Brian redband got anything coming up uh Wednesday uh Secret Show at The Comedy Store uh with Henry Phillips uh Tony henchcliffe and a bunch of other people uh in uh Ventura December 26th
outstanding uh Wednesday we're doing a show at the ice house it's uh Al madal Greg Fitz Simmons and Tony hinchcliff will be there as well and uh Vegas December 11th all that shit's on Joe rogan.net tour Bert kryer ladies and gentlemen yes good night buddy good night is it R Millis