Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RyL6qqzp8o
boom we're live here we go Douglas Stanhope smoking cigarettes I was just a fan swore that you know I'm just I'm gonna smoke outside this time last time i stunk this place up so badly it wasn't bad at all you know afterwards because you kept saying no I get this whole system now it's not leading it's definitely dissipating I see the smoke and sucked away but I remember at the end last time yeah yeah that didn't work as good as I thought was gonna you really wreaked this place up well should perfect you know you're always killed cigarettes you know Douglas where do you get that sugar-free [ __ ] degree yeah sugar-free that can't be good for you well I'm now I'm gonna put a splash of whiskey in it just to hopefully kill the aspartame taste by the way I said occasionally say this on stage even when there's no joke but when I'm just angry about it stevia is an artificial sweetener and it's a big scam where you there's no artificial sweeteners because you hate getting that [ __ ] aspartame taste right and then but then they have stevia in it because it's natural and it still tastes like [ __ ] so you're thinking oh good it's no artificial sweeteners that means it's not oh it still tastes like [ __ ] but it's it's natural [ __ ] have you ever had Z via soda no but I'm assuming it's stevia yeah but they nailed it they figured it out they really did it's good yeah it's not doctor perhaps skeptical you should be you've been burned before it's not uh it's not coca-cola but cuz it's lit tastes lighter I like it a lot though it's good only we have any here doing we're out we should get something but uh that's one of the stevia ones that's good this it's different there's different stevia to like this stuff's tea very well just I just generally don't drink things that have sugar or need sugar I unsweetened iced tea is fantastic or if it's just juice like with vodka I put I use vodka soda with just a tiny splash of either grapefruit or so there's almost no sugar in it anyway I don't drink [ __ ] coca-cola I'll put a splash in a whiskey but tiny where if I get [ __ ] hammered on whiskey I probably drank you know four ounces of coke so it's health benefits just sugar yeah it [ __ ] up your whiskey how's things in Bisbee are
you the mayor yet no we're trying to find someone to run I would be the worst yes it would be like doing a cruise ship comedy where you know the worst thing about a cruise ship would be if you sucked and then you have to be in the buffet line with everyone who saw you suck in the whole week you're around people who saw you suck that would be the mayor of Bisbee where half the town hates you for because you're not supporting whatever stupid [ __ ] and you have to see them at Safeway does your town have a split is there like a conservative side of your town and a liberal side of your town yeah that's what makes it work but it's not usually your your usual dynamic of conservative and liberal it's not a we hate queers right it's yeah of the plastic bag ban well you can't tell us we can't have plastic bags but you're bad for the environment well I ain't cure because I'm used to getting a plastic bag and yeah they they split over just minutiae and silly [ __ ] that bothers you in a small town in this town 5,000 Jesus Christ that's so little yeah that's amazing yeah that's really good they leave you alone or people still bother you your house whole time oh but not people that live there oh just people that come by oh you are yeah that's we're – right they just they know they go to Bisbee and they can make toast ammo like this is the move yeah there's no more that an open-door football we don't even do football parties anymore gave it up yeah too weird what too many people just even locals I I just end up hosting the whole time and never watching your football and yeah that's the problem right and [ __ ] clean up you know you know fifteen people over and no one's throwing away their [ __ ] beer kids [ __ ] there's a lot of dishes or they'd you know worse they'd bring food everyone would bring food after a while and but then they'd leave the the pan so you have to scrub a [ __ ] casserole pan and then try to remember who brought it so you can get it back that small-town living it's like cave still for sale yes it is he's still interested if everything goes wrong that's from going god I found another house it's even better because right at the end of the runway of the Bisbee Municipal
Airport so if you had your own little four seater Cessna bucket bill burn his helicopter like you it had for airplane hangar like like parking spaces so you could fly in park right in the house and I was like 2,900 square feet they were asking like 400 for it and I had indoors it had its own like giant airplane hangar that goes right up to a bar where you could make a stage in there as this area shows that's the one so it's right at the airport yeah look you hear other people in the last mile and draw a picture dude that's a [ __ ] nice house that that is the runway oh wait no that's the highway the runway is to go to the next picture Jamie look at these this [ __ ] house is nice on this point goes dad they they flip houses his parents so they came down and they went through oh [ __ ] gorgeous this is only four hundred grand now you could get it for less Wow it's been four ninety nine' yeah it's beautiful dad was saying you could probably get it for 375 the only problem is it's County and not City so it's got the except ik and [ __ ] I'm the worst homeowner ever I can't do anything and you start putting that like septic on me I had a septic in one of my old houses and the pump broke and then first the toilet ball started back up and then the tub started filling up pissed [ __ ] fun times it's like all of a sudden we're in the the bathroom downstairs and the tub starts filling up like what and the [ __ ] is going on and what it was this Colorado knows when I was in the hills there was a had a house and there was a septic tank was slightly above the house so he had a pump to get to the septic tank so you would pump the waste into the tank it's not a good idea like ideally they always want the tank to be below so it's like a natural flow so the pump broke so the tanks are backing up into the house fun times that's yeah that's the the things that I went I I couldn't do it if I if I did if I had the money I would just buy that as all right this is our studio we don't run there right guests can stay here we'll make this into a like a place like this that's a great idea it would be get a [ __ ] airplane Douglas can you fly no but I learned but I know a pilot Oh better than foe he actually has a real
gig now he was he would come down he was a fan and he would fly into Bisbee from Tucson just to get his hours because it you know Wow to get his you know commercial license and he came to a not a Superbowl party we we the last special I taped he came down flew down with a bunch of his friends we taped it in Bisbee my last special and so the next morning he flew back over the house and he had put Stan and hope under each wing and he buzzed our house it's very cool it's all right now he's a commercial guy for sky West the Delta partner and he actually picked me up at the airport when I flew flew back from Hawaii you think so he was learning how to fly and now all of a sudden he's a professional yeah and that's how you know he had to build up our so he'd take these young how jobs didn't get before yeah you get to fly in a jumbo jet question is from a lot of questions other than hey can you fly me to LA like if I needed to you want to talk about underappreciated people the people don't know how to pilot the planes 1500 hours that's it and they make dick for money I never read those stories where like in New York that where they have these like single rooms with like eight bunk beds it's like the high let's living in there yeah when they have to lay over cuz you can't afford what is this Jamie two hundred fifteen hundred four hours only 250 for commercials so it's I think it's non transporting people maybe 250 hours of flight time that doesn't seem like a lot remember well how bad you drive when you're 20 how bad did you drive when you were twenty pretty good it's terrible I remember arriving piece-of-shit cars with no worries like now just to go to the store I go we're not gonna make it this car I bought I used to buy a lot of shitty cars to deliver newspapers in so I'd buy a car for like 300 bucks just beat it into the ground and get rid of it I would do that when I lived on the road and doing like triple gigs where I'd have to drive 11 hours from you know Arizona to you know southern Wyoming and hope the car banks and you can see the ground through the passenger-side floor is rusted out you can actually see pavement and you drive those cars forever until they died and then hitchhiked to the next town and hope you know what comic there that can get you to the city for the gig could you have
ever imagined when you were 21 or however old you were when you first started doing the road they one day you would look back on those horrible nights with like nostalgia I I knew it then I knew it was nostalgic then I didn't I was ashamed I didn't I didn't I didn't think it was I just like I'm a loser yeah I wasn't enjoying it at all I think there's probably a big difference between doing it on the East Coast in Boston and that congestion rather than the great wide-open of Montana and yeah Idaho that's a proud of the shows are probably bleaker though like we had shows like you would do a lot of road gigs but there were good gigs like they weren't like the the boom of the late 80s I started in 88 and I started doing gigs on the road like hell gigs on the road and probably like 89 and there was a lot of gigs back then that were really good you would go somewhere there's 300 people it'd be a great crowd you know 150 people in a bar everybody's there they love comedy night like some of them were really good but it's just the two never knowing if you're gonna make enough money to pay the bills and the stress of being poor yeah I didn't have a lot of bills living under my car well that's the way there's a lot of downtime and a lot of you know questionable choices and ladies just the place to stay for days before El Paso dangerous gigolo days gigolo days of Doug Stanhope yeah you try to travel on the road thing so such a you get a view of the country that if you really stop and think about it like how many different places you've been and you're your understanding of America like you've been everywhere you've been all all the different spots get a chance okay this is how they rock it over here all right this is how they do it in Detroit this is how they our New Orleans is different Oh Connecticut's a little different and then you put it all together you get America but if you're just like a dude who just like parks it in Columbus Ohio and [ __ ] that's that and all you know is CNN and TMZ Hawk this is what this is what the country's coming in libs these [ __ ] libs with their [ __ ] new rules yeah it's not when you when you're out amongst people no one really
gives a [ __ ] no you [ __ ] its it's barred chatter at best but it's you never run into people that are actually affected you know you don't unless you're looking for it yeah you know most of the time it's a non-issue but it's the most most pressing issue because it can shift the country one way or another that's what's weird about it no one gives a [ __ ] about the things that actually affect them locally yeah the thing that sets that guy off to [ __ ] about Trump or [ __ ] about Hillary is he forgot to move his car on street-sweeping day but he never goes down to petition City Council about hey this is [ __ ] up that stop sign was obscured your honor and I wouldn't have run the stop sign but there's a [ __ ] branch in front of it and you need to cut that down and I get a ticket and I can't afford the ticket and it's the economy [ __ ] Trump or whatever like they just bring it to the highest level well one of the things that I've realized by talking to people that really understand how things work like economics like talk to Peter Schiff yesterday the economists he won yeah hit him on my podcast really interesting guy no no I he's a fun guy he like you could talk to him never drunk in Bisbee he would get drunk yeah no he he's a really smart guy I mean he's a very successful guy but he's right there he's right there like when he talked to him like I first time we did a show we got drunk we decided to have a couple of drinks at lighten up cuz he was doing this like Fox News CNN thing they do where they have these five-minute panels we just have to rattle off statistics you have to tell the people the problem is in economics the problem is that like he's a wizard that [ __ ] we got to calm him down like – were here for a long time and so let's get a drink had a little Jack Daniels that he loosened up but he set up a video that said I'm the 1% ask me ask me anything is that what he said something like that something like so I went to Occupy Wall Street and set up a thing it's just talking to people about economics like Nora this is why you think it works this is how it really works but this is what I realized talking to people like that there's no [ __ ] way you could be on the ball with all this stuff with Congress and
the Senate and all the stuff that goes on behind the scenes and the lobbyists you would have to be fully immersed in it you have to be fully immersed in it and then fully immersed in the stock market to have any kind of an argument one way or another and most people are just having these half-assed half-cocked shitty thought-out arguments about almost everything they talk about including me but this is something that we it's standard there's too much [ __ ] to know there's too much [ __ ] when it comes to like politics like you pretend you understand politics like how long they've been trying to unravel this Russia thing again you're tuned out completely I know I don't know and I don't care enough to try to learn I get to a place I went through a period of you know like bagging our conspiracy theory days then I learned a little bit but anything that's I really don't know how government works it's so hard to know it's so hard to know if I mean just elementary school [ __ ] you know that then you know I'm just a bill on Capitol Hill I still don't even know what that [ __ ] ahmed's I kind of stop talking we pay attention to it more than most people most us for a minute yeah well most people the the President or anybody just represents what they like like I like a nice guy I like a no-bullshit guy okay and then you just find whoever's best fits that mold and you support president yeah who's the most popular yeah it's fascinating though i yeah i think if Trump was any Republican that wasn't a [ __ ] [ __ ] but stood for the same principles there would be no outrage they hate his personality first which I'm not against you yeah yeah he's a [ __ ] loser but he's the one you created we were just talking about and I mention it on stage here and again that Trump makes me happy sometimes in that he's a product of everything like what's that levy on ball that like basketball dad oh yeah he's famous just cuz he's a [ __ ] [ __ ] and he knows hey if I keep being a [ __ ] [ __ ] the more I'm gonna get noticed and Ann Coulter who just says or Tom Leykis or the Nuge we were just talking about yet the new job people say outrageous things just to get attention
I'm worried when I said feed the trolls and then all of a sudden you elect the troll so [ __ ] you it's all you people that watch TMZ and [ __ ] buy a tabloid because [ __ ] so-and-so said something outrageous again but it's a natural instinct to do that you know I was telling you before the show Ted Nugent is a nice guy he's like a really nice guy God do you remember trolling his message board from your message board you trolled his message board and you were you were giving instructions on how other people should troll his message board I they were they were so like they were Magga before Magga was mega like they were make America great I had a bit about it in my act about not needing the draft he just show up at Ted Nugent concerts it scooped him up in nets [Laughter] something along the Y that they're gonna take away NASCAR and I forget the bit but it was even have a message board are that no it's over do they even exist because what your message board would troll and I got on board with the trolling Ted Nugent's message board and I would pass him aggressively I would backhand you know insult him by going hey we got a we got a band together and get the Nuge back on the airwaves it's no fair all these you know I've raised against the Machine wannabes are getting all the airplay and when I call to request a true rock and roll legend like Ted Nugent they laugh me off the phone and it's no fair that all these guys are selling out arenas and Ted Nugent is stuck at some State Fair playing beside a tilt-a-whirl and an Andy Gump a handful of people so I'm like I'm Pro rooting people to get nudes more notice but at the same time he's playing five people at the [ __ ] Arkansas State Fair it's nope I need to answer you yeah by the way I play to a lot more than 35 people that was the early days of people and understanding message boards I understand how it worked that's right I'm glad he never brought that up I have I would have been able to defend it yeah well that's what are you gonna do he's my friend sorry dude I I think what we're talking about before is that a lot of people are nice people they just that this is their act their act is say outrageous things get people to pay
attention to them and then then it makes me it's such a lousy trick though I've just feel like it's so [ __ ] lazy well I think it's not all that it's like they believe that and they also like I believe Ted believes most of what he's saying but I think he also says things in an outrageous manner because that's part of his showbiz style like he's the Motor City Madman you know he's he's a wild [ __ ] that's gonna tell you like it is and he believes a lot of what he says and he makes sense about many things but then he goes you know he goes haywire what's die but when you're with them you're like oh you're a nice guy like he's a genuinely nice guy and as much as he says crazy [ __ ] he's got his you know he believes he's supporting the intelligent side of the message that you should be able to have guns if you're a responsible law-abiding person and part of me is like yeah you should be yeah but maybe you know maybe the problem is just like we were talking about people running for president you don't really get the nuanced stance of who a person is from these campaign ads or debates or anything you just get you get this image this flash thing when if you got to know I almost everybody's alright if you get to know them I've seen he has no reason to have his opinion like he has to be a dick just to keep himself like Kilroy in in the right kind of say racist Jones would be a like Alex Jones is a guy who maybe now he believes more than he should about his own [ __ ] but he created that like that's what he he created his own art form and made himself Ted Nugent as a guy who had two shitty songs in 1907 strangle home is I'm desperate to stay in the spotlight he's like a Kathy Griffin like clawing his look at me please notice me I'm still relevant right but they go to him for opinions man I mean there's there's a reason why I like any time is a gun control debate they go to Ted Nugent because he's gonna say the outrageous thing is that he's good at it man I it's easy to write him off like that the problem is like like when he debates people about gun control he knows two actual statistics and the actual statistics are confusing because you find out that there's at a gun violence deaths a giant chunk of them are suicide and then there's gang violence is the other ones and then it
gets down to actual gun violence and then the numbers they're they're they're they're weird they're not what you would want them to be you wanted to be cut and dry like people are using guns and crimes of passion and school shootings and that's why there's guns need to take them off the table but man a lot of what we attribute to deaths are suicides it's [ __ ] dark how many people pull the trigger you know and a lot of gun violence is that and then there's we were talking about Chicago how crazy Chicago is what was the number again 1000 what was it I had another stat that I was waiting to pull up that day that was crazier to me that and not from like 1970 roughly at about 89 the murders in New York City was almost triple that it's like twenty two hundred and forty five is the highest oh yeah in the 70s New York was crazy yeah yeah who's like average or eight nine hundred I think in Chicago what it is but there was one year that was 1,500 in a year right there's one particularly high and it was it's way more than died in Afghanistan way more than died in Iraq you know it's in Chicago and this is like for whatever reason it's it's it barely gets our attention you know guys like him are important for getting that message out even if he does it in this fucked-up way like you we need to look at like what this thing is like we definitely have a gun problem in this country but I don't know I don't I don't think either side is right about what it is I think we have a [ __ ] human problem the fact that humans are just running around shooting people is the problem it's not the fact that we're smart enough to figure out guns well every time me and chad shank get drunk and have one of these conversations late into the night it always boils down to overpopulation there's too many people whatever the issue is mmm somehow we can always boil it down yeah but there's too many [ __ ] people well for sure it's we don't value people when the numbers are so high you're supposed to value your close-knit group of friends right that's the romantic thing when there's 20 million people and you can't get anywhere like la you don't value people as much I yeah I did a bit about that about you love you love a kitten and if you get a pet kitten and you come home every day Oh
mr. bumbles you make me so happy but if you came back to that same bachelor apartment of you know 300 square feet and there were 800 kittens in there you couldn't kill kittens quick enough I get this get my golf shoes out stop and kittens these [ __ ] things evil are the same as yeah they're just like currency yeah well that's why what you've done is a wise move by moving to a town of 5,000 that's very mad I'm gonna love it no one my neighbors yeah it's very manageable to like what you've chosen to do is it's smart I don't think big cities are manageable I think people just put their blinders on and they just get weird they just get weird and some people say well I get energy from the city I'm like I totally get that you go to New York City I totally get it you walk around as a buzz there's so many people it's above it's dreadful to me yeah but I just you know I get a buzz of anger and murder it doesn't bother me that much but it does overwhelm me I'm very claustrophobic and the more I age the more things I get just gets worse hmm well it's also such a direct contrast to the way you live you know but I have always did yeah hey I just going out to smoke a cigarette and you can't like you're afraid you're gonna burn someone because you've sublet your personal space if you're walking that close to you you try to get in the door jamb just so you don't burn a [ __ ] pedestrian with your cigarette there's no way out of like there's no way of finding that out either unless they make it so outrageously expensive that literally people can't they are trying and be that's the crazy thing is so many people want to be there and there's so many people there that they could just keep jacking the rents up and jacking the real estate payments up what I was saying about Ted Nugent and you were saying about Tom Lycus and a lot of these other people it's we it's it's real easy to write somebody off you know it's real easy to write people off I'm trying to do less of that cuz like I'm trying to get to a point like when do you let someone when you let like one deal when do you stop on recently those someone's like yeah I don't like him anymore because he he now he has
so-and-so on his podcast like you had someone that this is some random person was going that for everybody there's a person like that for some people it's a hardcore left deal with someone I know they didn't even listen to the [ __ ] show but it like Jordan Peterson was at him is he like a [ __ ] Nazi guy or something like all the writers know they sometimes people think he is but he probably wasn't him was probably someone more controversial like ben shapiro or steven crowder or one of those guys with none of them are Nazis you know in Jordan Peterson is much more of a centrist than anything he's not right he's he's like more of a he they call it you know what a classic liberal classic liberal is you know the idea of the treating people is the individual instead of collective instead of a group instead of identifying with a group of well whatever no matter what it is treat people as individuals and he's a big proponent of personal responsibility and treating people as individuals and because of that and because of some of the things he said about they're trying to enforce pronouns for transgender people ones that they made up like a bunch of them there was a bill that was a human rights violation thing you know because they have that human rights counsel in Canada and it was he was arguing this is a slippery slope you can't you can't compel people to use made-up words you can't just decide that you're gonna make up a bunch of gender pronouns and they get people to say they there's like 78 of them apparently that Facebook accepts hir Zi re there's like them just make them up like anybody can make them up we want this oh yeah thanks yeah and so because it's controversial because people said oh you're picking on trans people and he's like no I'm not no I support your right to be a trans person I just don't want to use these bloody made-up words that's what he was saying and he felt like this is a slippery slope to controlling people's behavior and it starts like this and they shame you into thinking their way and there's a group think part of it involved so because of that he got so lumped into this all right idea that oh he's the guy who hates transgender people it's just like we were talking about like people running for president you don't really
get to see who the real person is you get to see this surface oh he's the no-nonsense guy I'll take him and that's what they do with him I go he's the guy who hates transgender folks it doesn't at all if you really wanted to like you would never know candidates true intentions if they were a good candidate if they were a crafty politician they would I would go out and say whatever the [ __ ] if yeah if it worked for Trump I'll do it better and I'll say [ __ ] like that and then I'll just be lying right hey I'm gonna deport everyone it's a Holocaust 3 whatever they want to hear and then you go and go just kidding and then you do the right thing yeah I was kind of hoping Trump would I think you could manipulate his ego to a point where he you could get him to do your bidding by saying oh you're getting good numbers by doing this and they the left hates this so yeah you should legalize marijuana and he would he wouldn't need logic he just need to have his ego fed and he'd do all the right things I think that's one he's holding in his back pocket the legalize marijuana I think as we get closer to the election I think he makes marijuana federally illegal and I think if he does that the stoners just [ __ ] raise their arms in the air and they go [ __ ] it I'm going with Trump do you just know how much that'll change the world just that and he still won't vote yeah they still won't vote I know a lot of people complained it didn't vote so well I don't think I voted I know I was I was you know I did because I it was people vote online should be able to vote online to be very simple should be a thing you fill out with your Social Security card number use a face ID thing from a [ __ ] laptop you could do it on your phone like American Idol that's you know I think it'd be nice if you you knew for sure and know it's most people have a laptop with a camera on it or a web camera somewhere they're not hard you get a USB web camera they're cheap they're pretty cheap now and you just do that and you've [ __ ] vote that way that wouldn't be hard to do they did be able to come up with software that could read your face no fits you a lot of lot of laptops even have fingerprint sensors now you could [ __ ] vote online they don't want you to it's too they want is difficult and confusing as possible they
want to keep it this convoluted yeah I gotta take time off of work they want you to just go like this all time like what is this what are we doing they don't want like smooth sailing everything sorted out everybody doing well no they want like you were saying how your town works cuz you got left and right they want it they want to look just a little yeah you get a bate people wearing sidearms at Safeway like just just because they can it's it's a here in Arizona yeah so you get that denim redneck element but it's not a it's not a Trump versus Hillary and obviously in a you know that small town there's no like black lives matter rallies but but if people still go out and protest for red for Eid for teacher thing and see that Sidon thing can work in a limited amount of people you know if you're walking around midtown Manhattan and bumping into people everywhere you got a gun right here that's just not gonna work you know if you're if you're a guy who's in Arizona you just worried about some you know wild drug smugglers coming across the border and shooting up your city yeah you got to worry about that don't ya right there yeah they keep going it's the old Harlan bit where he's like people bitching about they're gonna build a prison in our community and like if they escape they're not gonna be hanging around it's keep going then it's true because you're only like seven miles I'm sure I did that a huge injustice and I'm sure a misquoting carlin but something to that effect but yeah you see undocumented aliens getting busted but there's no [ __ ] drug war [ __ ] going on yeah they'll confiscate weed out of a a false bottom fake gas tank at the checkpoint I know guys who have been camping on the border camping near the border on the US side and had run-ins with people who were coming across they said it got some of them got real sketchy because that's basically they're coming across like constantly all the time and you just if you're there like these guys were on a a deer hunting trip and they just said they were just running into people all the time they were looking for water or they were looking it's ya know people leave water out you know where they they come across Wow
and every other house in our neighborhood has humanitarian aid is never a crime because you're not supposed to [ __ ] leave water out in the desert in case someone's dying you're not supposed to they tell you not to I I don't know exactly what the law is but there's placards just like every election is vote for mayor of Joe and vote for Bill for City Council this humanitarian aid is never a crime and I don't know what the law all was or what exactly but that's some dark [ __ ] and telling people don't give him water have you seen that video of the Border Patrol people [ __ ] just going out and dumping out water the people have left in the desert and and laughing about like [ __ ] you yeah they're just you see the Border Patrol agent that ran over the guy that was a video that just came out last week no I did one of the reservations one of the Indian reservations on one of the Border Patrol roads the guy was filming and the cars coming right at he's coming right at me and then it [ __ ] it hits him and then turns around and he got it all on tape the guy that he actually hit when I drove off Jesus Christ some [ __ ] [ __ ] like a lot of people [ __ ] gravitate just like child molesters gravitate towards you know preschool teacher and priests [ __ ] [ __ ] gravitate towards cop and border anywhere they can you know oh look at this boom is that him standing up and now laying down after the Border Patrol [ __ ] runs over him that is crazy that is crazy I can't like I have a hard time get into going down wormholes of you know bad cops and [ __ ] to control and do it like that I mean that you you are you're making a decision to shatter a person's body probably forever you're hitting someone that hard with a with a truck that guy's got probably everything's probably broken and the road where it's yeah like he did it on purpose there's no other exchange no he did it on purpose yeah I have too much hate in my life where I said sometimes I just have to ignore [ __ ] is you just wake up in the morning and I get on Newser and I click on [ __ ] cop throws a guy through a plate-glass window kind of [ __ ] yeah you know beatings and I you know I've
said this a hundred times but it's worth repeating I don't think most people are qualified to be cops I think it's a really [ __ ] hard job and I think the pressure of it [ __ ] people up even if they did go into that job well if they gravitated towards it because they were bullies which I'm sure a certain percentage do certain for I think for most of them is just a good job and they think I could pull it off I met a lot of cops they're good guys but I think the pressure of that job and being shot out all the time and worrying every time you pull somebody over here to get shot and everybody seen those videos of people pulling people over and they pull out a gun and kill the cop there's one that's haunting man the guy pulls over this Vietnam vet and he starts he started screaming for the guy to get back in the car and the guy pulls out a rifle and the guy just starts shooting at him and he gets hit and he's screaming just almost oh oh stop it stop it stop it and the guy just keeps shooting a cop while all this is happening and the guys like screaming for his life on this guy's just gunning them down like man tell me these cops haven't seen this they're all [ __ ] up and it's it becomes almost like a game and the game is I'm trying to score on you it's like you're doing you're playing one-on-one basketball or you're doing jujitsu or something you trying to score on somebody and the score on them is I think you're up to something no good let me see spread your legs let me check your body what's going on a car what do you got what's this what's that you're trying if you get it oh we got it score if you don't get it [ __ ] swing and a Miss and so you go looking for things to be wrong and that person becomes the enemy just like you push people on a [ __ ] football field or on the other team that's what you're doing to the people that you're supposed to be protecting and serving you they become the enemy they become the thing that you're trying to score on and it's just stupid monkey games start playing around in people's heads and I think almost nobody's qualified for that I know a very few like Big John McCarthy the UFC referee he was a cop [ __ ] greatest guy you ever want to meet the nicest guy ever but he's also a big giant dude who's not intimidated by people and he
has a good way of calming people down and relaxing people but he's very sensible like very normal and he was a cop his whole life has caught for many many years it's just a [ __ ] impossible job man everyday you're dealing with crime everyday you're dealing with murder you're dealing with people beating their wives you're dealing with kids that get hit by cars you're dealing with just the most horrible [ __ ] and we can boil this down to too many people because I live in a town where I know the cops the same cop came to two Super Bowl parties you know in consecutive years the night before when we had a big pre-party on the Saturday night and came for noise complaints two years in a row the first time he walked in Christine Levine was on stage doing her act and you can hear everything in my neighborhood just speaking and when she's on a microphone doing a bit about my after three kids my [ __ ] looks like it it swallowed a dog that chewed its way out and I know every [ __ ] neighbor at least thirty houses that can hear this over their TV that's him there and the cops but that cop came twice and I was like then I'd see him at Safeway and we'd friendly and when bingo and I had our brief break up that cop came to my house I'm sitting in the funhouse and I see a cop walk in and I'm like oh that's [ __ ] and Yanis officer Bob friendly he came and he goes hey I know it's none of my business but I heard you going through a tough time and I just wanted to see if you're okay like that is [ __ ] cooler now he he comes over all the time and Wow yeah that is yeah that's the benefit of the five thousand person tent when you know everything yeah the stuff that's not a homeless guy that's brokey we have but everyone knows our homeless will work for food guy by name do you think that you appreciate that more because you travel so much because you get to go back to that and this is home and home is this quiet cool place filled with artists and farmers and just weirdos and [ __ ] but you're always like now you're in Dublin now you're in London now you're in San Francisco now you're in you know you're always moving around so much that you get a beautiful taste of everything and then this is like the quiet also I I rarely go out I go to Safeway every
day if I don't even if I don't need anything it's my thing I wake up and I go to Safeway and I find what what's what's good discount meat I love a bargain in the discount meats and other than that I don't go out I don't go to bars they have a bar in my house right the people I know they come over to my house and we hang out there ya know you've got an interesting setup man whenever I listen to your podcast I'm like this is a fascinating setup but everyday life the same as the Comedy Store which when I come back I love it and I see a thousand people all in one night that I've known you know over the years but I don't hate anyone right where where you hear all the that [ __ ] I hate that [ __ ] [ __ ] she thinks she's funny and she's not funny and like I wouldn't yeah I would be a if I lived there if I was a regular like everyone else at the Comedy Store yeah then I'd have my beefs and I'd be politicus very few beefs there those days that interesting but I'm just saying like snipey back talk right yeah talk [ __ ] behind your back thing I'd get into that again but now I'm really happy to see everyone I don't care if they suck I don't watch their acts anyway but that's what Bisbee's like and I keep it that way where I don't go out I don't get involved in their [ __ ] petty squabbles and everyone's you know backstabby [ __ ] cuz even when I am there for a long time I don't leave the house I don't go out I don't you know yeah so I don't have to take sides I'm a very [ __ ] noob I know what you're saying about avoiding conflict but honestly the Comedy Store these days is is almost conflict free it's weird it's so much weirder than it's ever been there before it's like this super super supportive community it's very different take on me in general yeah well anywhere I should be headline in that place and they won't give me this and I don't have to deal with that yeah yeah and that's how I keep Bisbee where I go out rarely a lot of people don't believe I live there I don't think I just have a house there that I show up to and say I live in biz that would be funny who funny if you only dress like this on the show and then you immediately the show's over can't we get dressed for my golf tee off in an hour and then you put on
like a polo shirt and their fat Rolex I only have ridiculous suits and pajamas that's it that's it I don't have a ridiculous suit guy like what year did you just give in to the ridiculous suit when I got my first like really good one the one I wore I'd forget what special it was I got like I've done this occasionally throughout the years and I used to wear a Santa hat for a while and then I but yeah and then we dress up and just [ __ ] dumb [ __ ] sometimes just because I was bored like Muslim prayer robes on stage where were you getting these ridiculously I got this my neighbor Evelyn found this great old plaid vintage 70 sport coat and I just happen to find a pair of yellow pants that matched it perfectly and then I get so then I'd start like really looking for what when I could put a whole suit together like all right and then I realized white shoes go at everything white loafers so then I just every that's all we do when we're driving on the road the only interest I have are we hit all the thrift stores and in the town and try to find good sushi and that's it I'll go to a [ __ ] museum so you look for wacky clothes to try on yeah you don't know who now I have a closet that like that's why I do these eBay yard sales every couple years and I sell all this suits I'm tired of because my closet is [ __ ] buckling Wow what a weird thing to collect get on the mailing list yeah and other you've been doing this as long as I am you get a cool poster like yeah yeah the tour poster and you go I like that but after as the years go on you're just building up clutter in your crawl space and yeah you can only have so many pictures of yourself around fans they'll send me artwork like you know portraits they did of me and I'm like what I'm gonna put up more pictures of me and my eyes light up but he comes over at just some [ __ ] Museum of you that's why you gotta buy the house near the landing strip just turn to the Doug Stanhope Resort well yeah I sell this [ __ ] would do you eBay yard sales and yeah a fan would like that yeah in their house don't need a picture of me yeah you you'd like a tour poster that's a good move so yeah get on the mailing list at Doug Stanhope comp cuz we're doing another one in August so what do
you do you do them personally like to you out there auctioning stuff off no if we just put it all on eBay eBay yard sale and people bid on stuff and nice yeah and it's a you don't want to throw this stuff away you can't give it to the thrift store no one wants it there so you're wearing a bunch of different people's clothes that have lived different weird lives you know think about how many like the kind of clothes a year buying you're buying like guys who are getting [ __ ] in the 70s you know like that's the kind of crazy I used to do a bit about that and I don't know if I ever recorded that but about how the wearing of this polyester under hot lights he you can only imagine how bad [ __ ] had to smell in the seventies someone was dancing all night at the studio 54 you know doing blow and then sweating and then [ __ ] in a bathroom with all their pubes on and yeah and no deodorant what was deodorant like back then it was terrible right guard aerosol that's what I grew up with remember when everybody thought there's gonna be a giant hole in the ozone layer from the hairspray yeah sprays gonna put a hole in the ozone layer and like apparently there's a big hole above Australia Australia has it bad like there's all those skin cancer and Sun sure different right very rapidly in Australia yeah yeah I think there's a hole over there remember that was like that there it is right over Australia there's a goddamn hole the image of the largest Antarctic ozone hole ever recorded over the South Pole September 2006 layers of the atmosphere not the scale the Earth's ozone layer is mainly found on the lower portion of the stratosphere from approximately 20 to 30 kilometres ozone depletion so there's a hole yeah and if if the whole world was underneath that hole we have some [ __ ] real problems you play Australia yeah yeah I've been I haven't been in a while though last time I did melbourne how it had a great time how do they make you say it Melvin Melvin I like Sydney done Sydney there too they're nice people nice fantastic you know yeah that's that's my favorite and I did a Hobart Tasmania which is weird Wow Tasmania I read that I just did a couple weeks there in April and I've read it's
a it's called the the fatal Shore and it's like this 700 page history of Australia and it's [ __ ] brutal oh it's crazy it's absolutely brutal you know from the time they started shipping you know the prison prisoners there for nothing and they're in shackles and dying pestilence they're in you know in halls they sit in boats for months waiting to be shipped to a camp it's just brutal after brutal and then a flogging until the skin fell off his back and then and then you you do an interview where they're going oh people need comedy and these times because they're worse than ever I go have you read your [ __ ] history Trump is not the [ __ ] worst thing ever when you look at your own [ __ ] history they did some dark [ __ ] to the Aborigines – oh yeah one of the things they did they took Aborigine kids away from their parents they tried to raise him with white families they did in like the 1950s I think they were telling me about it when I was there and I was it was one of them jaw-dropper conversations where people are talking about like they stole people's babies and raised them as white kids like because they didn't think the Aborigines knew what they were doing so they just said you don't know how to raise that kid give me that kid it's kind of like the foster system well no because they took them it's not like the foster system the idea would be that someone would either have to go to jail or someone would be murdered or something where they you're an unfit parent and that's sometimes right I guess that does happen right if someone's a drug addict or a criminal they'll take your kid away and put it in foster care but this is just taking your kid away because you're an Aborigine which if if their society thinks that's a bad wait what's wrong with a drug addict I know drug addicts it can do a lot of stuff functionally some of them yeah it is levels to that yes levels – drug addict you know it's weird about the average needs they have hundreds of languages they they speak different language you you'll be in what they call a mob they call themselves mobs like a tribe it's a mob and you'll have a mob but there will be another mob that's 30 kilometers away and they speak a totally different language you don't
know what the [ __ ] they're saying and then there's another one over there and most of its not even written down and there's hundreds and hundreds of them and they're all over I mean it's a it's an amazing strange culture like the the culture of the Aborigines in Australia my friend Adam Adam green tree he he runs a mining company in Australia and he works with a lot of the aborigine people they get some jobs and gets to understand their culture and talk to them he's told me some just insane [ __ ] about how these people have lived and they've been there forever you know they've been there for a long time all living in these little tribes these little mobs it's crazy yeah they would have no structures when they first showed up down over there the Aborigines were the basically packs and they basically cut and burn or you know they you know hunt as much as they could in an area and they didn't have houses they had no like they just move on yeah yeah and they were living you know like essentially like how Native Americans were maybe in the 1400s the 15th owners probably even more simply right I mean I wonder just there that's him well that's why they wouldn't [ __ ] with New Zealand because the the Maori however you pronounce them the Maori people would they were [ __ ] badasses somewhat fortified yeah I've retained so little I've read the book and I have two days later I have like three facts that I'd probably have two of them wrong but yeah it wasn't terrified of the [ __ ] everybody's scared of the Mallory's everybody scared of me just New Zealand people are very fierce they're fierce people it's just it's crazy to think that those two places particularly Australia was a prison colony essentially for you for England I mean that's that's how they treated it it was it was [ __ ] slavery is what was it was white slavery because they've there the whole idea was to make these prisoners build this into a country country meanwhile the crazy thing is the weather is way better than anyone I know only [ __ ] England would use the beautiful place as a [ __ ] penal colony I can't wait to get back to [ __ ] Shropshire ham by the sea where it's [ __ ] 48 degrees and gloomy and shitty gloomy and everybody's just sour and dour I mean
while you're in the cold comes to Australia jumping into the water having a martini on the beach the weather's perfect yeah but same token back then there was no [ __ ] plumbing and it was hard to find clean water to drink and that's true everything that kills you and everything kills you including jellyfish that's what's the most [ __ ] up goddamn jellyfish kill you jellyfish saltwater crocodiles everybody just captured one in Australia for forever can you 15 feet long 1,300 and so uh-oh they're always catching sharks – sharks all over the place the outside waters just surrounded with great whites oh no sharks saltwater spiders all these different things but the people are cool as [ __ ] they're like some of the racist is [ __ ] – though look at that like ugly really yeah I would say yeah you're a bunch of [ __ ] racist and the cheer whoa whoa look at the size of that crocodile that captured why in the [ __ ] man it's sixty years old how many people have that thing eaten with that things eating at least their shoes in that belly oh yeah Oh a friend of mine filmed this show it's called uncharted and his name's Jim shocky and this is a professional hunter from Canada they hired him to go to Africa to shoot these crocodiles that were killing all these people that lived in this village while they were there someone got snatched and taken by a crocodile and like so you've seen every one of the village is missing an arm or they have a chunk taken out of their head or I'm gonna take it out of their thigh like all right this is nuts like these people are always in fear of getting eaten everywhere they go they're free of getting eaten by these enormous Nile crocodiles you know 13 14 feet long just grabbing people and pulling them underwater I really want to go to the outback they have a train they have two trains so one's called the Gann that goes from Adelaide all the way up to Darwin and then they have another that goes all the way from Perth to Sydney and I really want to just do a train trip because in the middle there's like uber PD is a mining town where like most of the town is underground because it gets that hot it's 120 degrees so they built the town underground yeah I want
to go see some weird [ __ ] Sydney is [ __ ] Vancouver right right right right yeah it's not the weird [ __ ] and you could drive for hours and hours and not see nothing in Australia a lot of these guys they get those snorkels on their cars and it's not for going underwater it's just because the amount of dirt you have to drive through oh you're gonna have other Utes yeah you want to have a you want to have a snorkel like high above your car so that you're getting cleaner air yeah they all have extended gas tanks they get these giant gas tanks put on because they know they're gonna be driving for 1516 hours without seeing a gas station yeah [ __ ] man that's why I thought the Train yeah no it's a weird place man Australia is one of the last weird places there's 20 million people in the entire country and it's the same the contiguous United States yeah of dirt it's all dirt and there's only 20 million people less than live in LA live in this one huge country I love it it's like a small town but a country ya know like the same proportions and it's all Darwin is the only one I want to go to that's north and really tropical why do you want to go to that one it just sounds like a weird place to go that is lapa ghosts that's where Darwin done all of his research the Galapagos Islands or some of his research he's compiling his theories on evolution but it's apparently some crazy tropical island that's there trying so hard to keep it from being touched and influenced by people but every time people go over there you have to clean off their shoes yeah it's like don't step off the track that what stuff I can go back in time the butterfly effect yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah people are I mean everywhere but that's isn't that how life got spread all across the world I mean I know we shouldn't do it on purpose and foolishly but I mean a lot of how life got spread is just things picking things up and carrying them in their [ __ ] and dropping them off there in this germs and steel oh yeah that's really how everything gets spread we're just doing on a larger scale because we'd use planes and boats and like Hawaii everything on Hawaii is something somebody brought over everything like there's like some birds that used
to live there and some bugs you know and everything else is all the different wild Lyle all the animals has just been brought over there nothing worse than going to Hawaii and here in white people [ __ ] about the tourists white people that live there yeah oh yeah that's funny I don't know how this is that tourism is destroying the ecosystem and like who the [ __ ] are you yeah that's silly and what would you do without the tourists yeah you should I think Roseanne's gonna actually [ __ ] make money off a macadamia nut farm I think she's gonna be out selling [ __ ] nuts somewhere Oh she'd ever yeah she never she I think I told you she called me again it goes I'm right rogon we've been going back and forth alright yeah well now she says she's gonna do her own podcast yeah she's we're gonna do it it's just gonna take time you know I took this is what I told her she said like she contacted me the dishes I'm ready to do it whenever you are I said you just tell me when and we'll do it and then we're trying to figure out I mean it's not like yeah there was a little bit of that and then you know she's just trying to figure out when's the right time she said she wants to do her own YouTube channel and she's she's upset at everybody and and I felt like you know she's there's a lot of Merit and what she's saying you know I really do think she got [ __ ] over I think I really do think she made a joke about a woman that she didn't know was black and a woman who's I think she's only 1/8 black right yeah I saw the picture and I know I get it yeah she does not talk to her on the phone afterwards where she goes she was asking me for advice and she that I I really [ __ ] up and I honestly didn't think she was black and then she goes did you ever do ambien I go that's exactly why I stopped doing ambien and I'm sure that's why she tweeted that where I like to talk about this on Rogan cuz Rogan spends time you can explain stuff stop [ __ ] tweeting yeah that tweet where she goes and I did take an ambien well yeah you drink on ambien and you're [ __ ] I can tell you a million stories of normal people like [ __ ] you know Judy Brown her husband Steve Marmol almost had a plane grounded because he on a flight he took an ambien and had a couple of Bourbons and then
just started going [ __ ] batshit has no recollection of it huh and I've done stuff that was like minor where I just had a very lucid business conversation with Hanigan after I'd taken an ambien on my like a light night of drinking from me which six or seven beers and I went to bed and then I get got up 15 minutes later and went out and had this very lucid business conversation that I don't remember at all and I brought it up to him the next day something we were gonna talk about he goes we talked about this last night yeah I guess you came out yes but you came out shortly after you seemed very like completely normal Wow Kevin James he made dinner he went downstairs made his own dinner cooked it ate it went back to bed got up in the morning and was like who the [ __ ] cooked yeah and then they were there like you did he's like no I didn't he was like no yeah you did look here you threw this away like you you cooked this like what the [ __ ] attorneys brother you remember my ex Renee her brother and his buddy took some ambience had a you know minor amounts of cocktails woke up on a lawn in a neighborhood they didn't know where they were and that's where it was that one lucid business conversation where you go that could have been me driving my car into someone's front [ __ ] porch yeah so yeah I swore it off my mom said that she took it and no booze just took the ambien and wound up drawing on a bathroom carpet you know in the little bathroom rugs just drawing on with like lipstick and and nail polish doesn't have any recollection of doing it just drawing on it like a little kid would would they pull out the nail polish just start that's a weird thing it's called the hypnotic that's what they call that that category of drugs the other thing with Roseann is like she was she's got serious mental illness and she's on a bunch of different medications well she's got legit multiple personality disorder she's talked about it and I don't think they call it multiple personality disorder anymore I think they have a new name for it but it's just a noise you know reason branding [ __ ] mental illnesses like come on man it's like this is what it is it is multiple personality disorder she has a bunch of different people and you know if you talk to people that have been
around her and see or switch from personality to personality you realize like oh and you know a lot of this also came from head trauma she's one of several comedians that became a different person because a head trauma I think she was hit by a car as well Sam Kinison same thing hit by a car and also was in a car I don't know it was child molestation or yeah there was that to rape and disassociative identity disorder that's what they're calling it now and she also can't [ __ ] tell the difference between Twitter and a green room because if every single comic like was recorded the dark [ __ ] that we say in green rooms because we're comics and we say the worst possible thing especially to make each other laugh because you go to the darkest areas and you say all the wrong words and you're you say the most racist thing to you'll a comic friend and he says the [ __ ] worst thing to you about your [ __ ] your ugly [ __ ] teeth or your fat or your [ __ ] yeah stupid and if she walked into the green room and said that about that lady we would be laughing right we'd be laughing especially if she was right I didn't know she was saying some racist you'd look at the picture and go I don't get it I had no understanding of who that woman was I never had heard of her before until Rosa I got fired and I was like who is this lady you know she's saying she's in a Muslim Brotherhood and and then Rosanna said that she thought she was Jewish I was like okay if you think she was black I thought she was Jewish and I'm when I looked at the picture I go all right well yeah the [ __ ] that's a that's not a cut and dry one if you read two years of Roseanne's tweets that would not be the one that stood out she just says [ __ ] insane stuff that makes no sense all the time did she say that Susan Rice she such was a great big hit a big ape with no a man oh she's a man with giant swinging eight balls this was like five years ago and then five years later they give her that sitcom I can't believe she's acting crazy that's I completely fault ABC seeing a [ __ ] cash cow that no they they can handle her yeah hey we can make a lot of money by giving a toddler a pistol whoo you know what else she said she felt like she a Sturm Brahmas
not to what she said she felt like she was being removed from the creative process – like it was a bunch of things going on even before this and that this was like one of the final steps but that they were she was having a hard time with the whole process and she was definitely having a hard time with being overworked she's like an episode about the Illuminati and Zionists what maybe we should get you out of the writers room what not wouldn't be a bad idea to do an episode about her thinking that everything is the Illuminati I mean that's [ __ ] gold comedy there there's so much there I had explained to her chemtrails like but the thing is different than anybody that I've ever talked to about these kind of wacky conspiracy theories when I explained to her what how those clouds are made she went oh okay she just let it go like most of them don't [ __ ] let it go if you tell them that well you see those planes they're spraying overhead you go no no no it's the heat of the engine the condensation in the atmosphere it's actually creating a cloud it's just the water vapor and it mixes with the heat of this engine it makes clouds that's all it is Roseanna just goes okay like just let it go like everybody else is like [ __ ] man there's [ __ ] documents there's papers the CIA's admitted it it's one of the hardest things in the world when you get a stupid conspiracy theory in your head it's one of the hardest things the world is to just go mmm that my people [ __ ] it might be [ __ ] what's your what's your latest favorite conspiracy theory I I've dropped off the map the favorite one that I believe in yeah or man I don't have a good one that I believe in are there new ones that people ways there's always new ones everything everything's a goddamn conspiracy this is like constantly everything that everybody does what's a good one Jamie what's a good recent conspiracy theory the Russia stuff but I can't but I can't make [ __ ] heads or tails this Russia [ __ ] i every time i read the muir documents i'm reading what's been ported and who's getting indicted and I'm like this is too much yeah this is too much in doubt early you just asked for a hundred blank indictments yesterday me we're dead yeah oh my god oh my god
a hundred what if they arrest Trump are they allowed to arrest him that's part of what the whole thing with the judge is going on right now the dude well somebody was explaining the relationship that the judge has the judge who stepped down has to trump his son is Trump's banker from Deutsche Bank that's too much space occasionally I'll look in okay of you know Trump and Kim jong-il and Dennis Rodman ur partying together in Ibiza yeah Singapore this is a new other newest one is the new fake Melania Trump it thinks a new body double that Melania is not going on these trips anymore have you called Alex Jones who he would he'd yell at us about it is it true what does it say okay eery new pics of Melania Trump reignite conspiracies conspiracy theories she's using a body double okay what are the pictures supposed to be her and 2017 okay website is this by the way I don't know I click the first I just went to the first one that was just posted a well what are the pictures down low that's ones that are supposed to look weird I think if you scroll lower I think we have an answer to why Melania means missing so much solutely look closely yeah it doesn't look like her but oh that's only in this I mean that does not look like her only in this presidency would this be something that we would think about only this is the only like we're like man that ain't even his wife these are the goddamn body double like what are they gonna do if Melania leaves him he's gonna get a double he's gonna get a body double he's just gonna give her money to stay he could just go hook tup with this chick on tinder and like what's gonna happen like at what point of people gonna stop being completely befuddled that he said something stupid and yeah that's that's that's simple [ __ ] Sue's touching an undercover cop was it she was touching on the cover cop or she allowed the undercover cop to touch her I believe that but what I read from her attorney last night on Twitter is that she this is the same show or whatever a performance she's been doing all over the country it's like it's what she does she was gonna do it hmm so is almost a setup or something she wasn't blowing a guy in a [ __ ] you know the the champagne room or something I when you read the law it said the law was that
you can't touch someone in an adult establishment unless it's a family member that's the [ __ ] law whoa so like you walked over to Jamie and rub his back you go to jail unless we're related if we haven't done a 23mm we who regularly appears nude or semi-nude a sexually oriented business is prohibited from touching patrons except for family members huh so there goes the charges were dismissed according to court documents I wonder if it was like our rogue cop who's like a [ __ ] Trump fan who's like [ __ ] dudes Booch absolutely do it for Donald yeah yeah it can absolutely that's like that's not a well-thought well-oiled plan by the White House that's that's a plan by one [ __ ] Yahoo with a with three different maggot hats at home you know on the [ __ ] [ __ ] thorn in his shoe this [ __ ] she think she's gonna take down POTUS it's my favorite when they were they call him POTUS you know like they like whiff POTUS did this like come on it's Trump that's Trump we got to stop yeah that's a OH that's one syllable not only that it's like this is what got us here in the first place Daniel's remove what okay in probation affidavit obtained by CNN detectives who are at the sirens gentlemen's club said they observed Daniels remove her top and force patrons face into her chest force yeah well she's a monster I wasn't here for this yeah it's not like she did that to a trained killer with a gun to a cop it's not even a regular guy it's a guy who makes his living stopping crime and she's not any fun and he's a vice cop but he can't even stop at it plunge like she forced him in there there was nothing he could do about it was basically rape nothing he could do he couldn't go hey stop another me too when officers witnessed those activities three detective approaches staged Daniels allegedly made her way towards the two detectives leaned over and grabbed their faces she shoved each of their faces between her breasts court documents said officers face with her breasts they they I can't believe that she fondled a third officers buttocks and breasts according to the document and then forced the officers head between her breasts and smacked the officers face with her breasts
if you imagine arresting somebody for that you [ __ ] lazy civil servant leech you leech you there's money that could have gone to schools his money could have gone to fixed streets money could have gone to all sorts of good things in the community but you leached it you [ __ ] snail just creeped over got that lady to touch you and arrested her well well I did get six thousand dollars bail yeah but she the charges already dismissed doesn't she get that money back yep I think so yeah it's ridiculous it's [ __ ] ridiculous that's the thing what you're saying they mean but this is cops some of them are awesome some of them are awesome and just get a certain small percentage of them they're ruin it for everybody it doesn't even have to be 1% but if one percent of cops is out there shooting kids I mean it's less than that because it's it's less than it's not even every day right a cop doing something [ __ ] up is usually AK once a week think about [ __ ] millions of interactions these cops have with people I mean every day something's going wrong all over the country someone's pulling someone over that has a gun someone's pulling something someone over that hasn't expired license or stolen property or they're just constantly dealing with people it's amazing I think there's an argument in hey the cops should live in the communities policing yes yes yeah the most certainly is otherwise you're an outsider right I mean that was how they used to be like the cops if you were in you know in New Jersey in the 1970s the cop that was patrolling your neighborhood lived in the neighborhood probably all knew him by name yeah I'm not friendly I like cop friend in Bisbee told me a story about where you had to do a welfare check in a house and he's you know they force entry and he's yelling police were just here to do a welfare check hello there's some older guy that could have been [ __ ] dead and he's expecting to to find a corpse when no one's answering and he gets up the staircase and he gets halfway around and this is his guy with you know half dementia holding a [ __ ] of 45 on him and he has to make that split-second decision to draw his gun and shoot and he just ducked the other way hey we're just here to make sure you're okay and
he was like that close to taking a [ __ ] bullet in the head just trying to you know make sure a neighbor isn't dead and yeah you okay I understand where it's you're getting some [ __ ] hairy predicaments yeah where if he shot this [ __ ] old guy oh could you imagine shoot an old guy in his house because he thinks he's protecting his house from burglars and you're just there to check to see if he's alright you wind up shooting them in the head and you know there's just the amount of days in a year and the amount of interaction they're gonna have with violence it's just too much for most people's brains almost everybody's brain it's almost like being on the front lines for 20 years especially if you're in you know Detroit or South Side of Chicago or somewhere terrible neighborhood with a dealing with crime all it's on Camden something like that well yeah the The Thin Blue Line where officers protect their own [ __ ] bad apples yeah you only need to see you know one [ __ ] wormhole run of YouTube bad cop videos well there's there's people that are protecting those cops yeah so yeah you get a [ __ ] give up your weak links what is the documentary Jamie the 75 is that what it is is that what it's called for sure 75th precinct you ever seen that I'm Michael Dowd it's a documentary about crooked cops janna New York [ __ ] is it good yeah that was really holy [ __ ] is it good and you realize how crazy it got and they were just running things selling drugs and planning to do hits on people like whoa is it really [ __ ] that's a good documentary Nick DiPaolo turned me on to that that's a good goddamn documentary I thought they only did stand-up comedy on Netflix now hmm they have a lot of goddamn documentaries have you seen the wild wild or what is it no the wild wild country obviously no I haven't seen that I just got back on Netflix I've been done out of the country for four months basically but uh I just watched the evil genius about the hose on the pizza bomber for parter yeah it's it's really good it didn't need to be four parts every documentary you watch could have been a third shorter yeah but yeah that's what the guy with the the neck bomb yeah
his [ __ ] head blows off they sent him into a bank and they still don't really know if he was involved or he wasn't involved but it's a really good documentary mmm yeah there's a what's the wild wild west wild country is about a sex cult that took over a town in Oregon oh yeah the 1980s oh that's yeah I was looking for that that's the one I was looking for but I know it was the bhagwan shree rajneesh yeah like I don't like to search bagua how do i I wouldn't even know how to spell that I wouldn't even know how to spell that enough for Google to correct it did you know about this whole thing before the documentary series came out I know about it I never heard but not in-depth and I've heard it's a [ __ ] brilliant documentary but I didn't know the name it uh it's a taste I could have died just said bhagwan shree rajneesh that is pretty amazing I just calm Osho just what they call them later right but it's uh I didn't know it happened I never I'd never heard that this was a thing that there was a whole town that gotten taken over by this wacky call I never heard a peep about it so when this documentary series came out this is all like what when was this like do you yeah that's how I remember the name but I didn't know the details I didn't know the criminal element of it I just looks like that the the Reverend something moon yes yeah I just remember it existed I don't know anything about wasn't that Steve Hasson guy the guy that's the cult expert isn't that what he was in wasn't he in the Moonies when he wound up leaving was that what it was they found him when he was in college and recruited him there's a guy who's a he's an anti cult educator and he was in one he got roped into one when he was in college well he's Jewish unification Church unification Church which is that Moonies huh what does it say it says Annie founded eczema Inc so that might be yeah I think it was the Moonies I think the unification Church is sunghoon's Church see if that's true is it yeah so he was he was roped up with them when he was in college and he got rescued who rescued him someone's family member some I found forget the whole story but uh Alex Jones ever does that Hey look that up is that true no it's not all right no I don't think
he does you can't believe that fake news I just can't believe I never heard about that whole story until it went down or until the documentary series went down I never heard that story I just I did it's almost like I was living in an alternative universe like how did I slip this they took over a whole town have it and this is when I was a grown adult this is in the late 80s like how the [ __ ] did I not know about this well I [ __ ] Scientology did with Clearwater basically did they well I don't know if they took over the town but they closed yeah close but this these people took over these Mormons in Salt Lake how did I not hear about this when you see it you realize the scope of it when you see the old home movies you realize like oh they they they made a whole town they took this whole they had this ranch and they said they couldn't have the ranch they couldn't turn it into this town they couldn't develop on it the way they wanted to because there they were recognizing that these people were becoming like you know it's a giant cult that was next door all those people are moving in and so they said oh really okay we'll just we'll just start buying the houses in this town and knocking on everybody's door and go how much you sell your house for it's a tiny little house or tiny little town so just like a Bisbee type place they start buying everybody's house and then they start shipping in homeless people they shipped in homeless people and took care of them so the homeless people would vote dude the whole thing is they let anybody join just get on a bus you can join and they drove him out there to Utah and then they create thousands and thousands of people Oregon thousands of thousands of people and they took these people and they made them a part of the community and they used him for voting and they took over this town it's [ __ ] crazy man while you're watching it you're just like how is this not mainstream news that this how is this not like Jonestown Massacre it so it seems almost more impressive less people died well I don't know the the the the dark element of that that's what I don't remember I know that was they did some fun yeah I don't want to give it away you gotta watch it don't don't give it away it's a lot of watch it [ __ ]
amazing and what's amazing is they got so much footage you could see what these guys were like like carrying machine guns they took over the police force they call it the peace force but they're all got [ __ ] semi-automatic rifles and [ __ ] there was like Warren Jeffs in whatsit yeah there's a Colorado's I think that's Utah it's so the zona Utah border yeah he's a Mormon right he's there yeah he was radical now but he's still running things from prison and the families still somewhat what did they get him on they get him on polygamy yeah child he was had a [ __ ] like a sixteen-year-old wife one of his wives yeah you have child rape that there's a good documentary about that it's a false prophet something prophet do you know that that's the whole reason why Mitt Romney's family's from Mexico did you know that no Mitt Romney's family moved to Mexico back when they made polygamy illegal in Utah yeah here what is this an exclusive look inside the compound Warren's Jeff shared with 79 sister wives he was hashtag ballin 79 hits home boy at 79 wives and as they're all ugly as fun so you got a role hot [ __ ] no I think it wasn't hot one um that got out she's in the documentary yeah the the Mitt Romney clan they moved to Mexico when they started putting all these restrictions on them in the United States like no polygamy she fought the parents of super super Mormons were they polygamists yet well they were in the ones that left and went to Mexico they were front like whether they were still polygamists when they were his parents I don't know but when they initially established that sex they moved to Mexico specifically to avoid the laws of the United States and there's several of them there's more than one family there and they have to fight off the cartel there was a Vice piece on it [ __ ] crazy man these people they're armed to the tits wandering around their compound they got [ __ ] barbed wire fences everywhere and they're worried about the cartel coming in and they get kidnapped and they have to pay ransom and everybody knows they have money it's [ __ ] crazy man that's bit Romney's parents polygamists
versus the cartel foo yeah I forget the name of the Vice piece just meet Mitt Romney's Mexican Mormon family drug cartels versus Mormons it's a seven part series yeah oh that's what it's called yeah there it is it's [ __ ] wild so they go over to Mexico and hang out with these people you go to Mexico and they have this enormous Mormon community in Mexico fortified some always telling me about you have some viral piece snapping on immigration and anyone who will take away their baby from their parents yeah was just me and Duncan talking on a podcast about how crazy does the people who like hope should broke the law something about trying to get rid of the [ __ ] any it if you if you believe that's okay don't follow me don't listen to me well I said you're not on the team like the team of humans like if we're gonna act as a country you know the thought is we're gonna act as a country we've got all think we're gonna help each other we're gonna support each other we're gonna look for the values of community from these team members that are on this team together but if someone's like surely broked law oh she's losing her kid shouldn'ta broke the law like how the [ __ ] you gonna let something like that on the team but this is yeah the way it was described to me last night was that you were telling a lot of your fan base to [ __ ] off and I don't know if you're getting what I'm getting is a lot of [ __ ] Magga you know [ __ ] Nazi type [ __ ] heads like our waffle like you yeah yeah and I said it on stage last night that the same way people can be offended at a buzzword without hearing the whole bit because you said [ __ ] or [ __ ] or something that they just completely tune out and walk out without hearing the the context of the whole piece of material the same way people can become attracted to you because you said you know [ __ ] Jew right without hearing the context of the bit and like I'm having to force people like I don't want you as a fan I have enough fans I love my little niche base and you can go away and like the libertarians I have to distance myself from them because that was always a split of you know civil libertarians and you know you know legalize you know drugs and that versus snake-handling homeschooling Christian types that don't want the government involved in them
raising free kids right right right but now it's like it seems like all the good parts are now just anti Trump like we have to vote Democrat and the the bad parts of the libertarians are the whole now well I'm not a [ __ ] ilene libertarian you know not the party but the ethic I lean that way but I'm not calling myself a libertarian anymore cuz it's a bunch of [ __ ] Nazis not all of them but I'm saying a lot of people have it's become yeah I think the good parts have left hmm well I think there's just a problem with groups whenever you have groups you're gonna have the fringe and when you have the fringe with it's a French stupid or the fringe radical right or the fringe radical left they sort of define the group and they taint it and if you have a group that anybody can join like do you have libertarian ideas yes I do I support a lot of libertarian philosophy good become a libertarian you be with us you know but this you know Dave Smith at all from legions getting mayor Oh different guy Dave Smith from New York comic from New York's legitimate libertarian hey I think I just did a podcast with him I'm sure he did you do the skanks in legion of skanks yeah but I think it was without big J I don't know okay it was as I was promoting my book so I was doing like 18 things in a day and drinking the whole time mmm that's right I think I'm a little loose on the details yeah and I know those kind of podcast you I think there's uh it's it's that's a legitimate like this podcast where I go you know what I'm not gonna [ __ ] smoke in his studio this time and I'm not gonna drink it's work here I am but with the the smoke things working it's not bad at all in there right it's pretty good it's way better than it would be if there was no no fan thing what the [ __ ] were we just talking about David Smith Oh babies were Terrance yeah but the problem is just being in groups man you know like identifying as a right-wing identifying as a left way I didn't so so many people that identify you you should just grab those ideas usually one issues yeah immigration yeah I'm against it so I'm right-wing yeah the rest of your day your abortion if you're pro of you're pro-choice you have to be left-wing like there's the right-wing people that go pro-choice they get attacked it is it
that's one of those weird things where I think racism will stop them overturning Roe vs. Wade racism will yeah they're against abortions but not for all these Mexicans having all these kids that might be the only way right I was I was on Frankie Boyle show and I was saying that that's the only way that Trump would overturn gun control or put in gun control laws is because school shootings are the only time he's not on CNN when it takes like 30 people to die on a school yard before CNN stops talking about him for a minute steals his airtime could've been these assault rifles because I'm not getting airtime they're talking about these dead kids get me back on TV even if they had a story about a school shooting they would have Russia scrolling across the bottom the scroll across the bottoms like the ultimate insult to your attention span it's like I know you can't pay attention it just what's on the screen stupid so I want to give you some extra data how about the stock market I'll leave before you up here you know how much money you're losing constantly follow this ticker tape of sadness and despair below you in the stocks no I mean I have a business manager and some of its invested and some different things but I don't pay attention to it III guess I get some stocks where a friend of mine talked me into and I get it like every couple months my stockbroker cost Doug its stevia for I want to make some moves and last time I actually wrote down he'll just start spewing this jargon where I put him on speakerphone in the van when we're on the road so everyone can hear his is a just I go I do you fist pump are you on top of a desk like wolf of Wall Street pumping as you're selling me this [ __ ] cuz I have no idea what you're talking about but yeah it's fun like I I get stocks like I think initially it was again everything terrible like Philip Morris and crafts and big O's like can I add can the craft be my I love Kraft macaroni and cheese could that be my stock I go yeah you could look it up for the USA Today to see if it went up or down yeah them that's tobacco money I mean you smoke cigarettes you should be allowed to invest in tobacco but yeah they're into a lot of other [ __ ] too
sure I don't I don't know if I own that anymore I was I had Pfizer stock and like it's rated one – yeah viagra Kraft macaroni and cheese and [ __ ] its cigarettes sure just the stock market itself like just trying to pay attention to that – on top of all the other [ __ ] you're supposed to be paying attention to it's supposed to be paying attention to stocks and bonds and up and down and yeah I stopped paying attention because I'd get these calls where he's moving it into this and I don't know and then I have to [ __ ] look up if it's up or down and I don't know if you should keep working on your act and if you're you working on your if you're gonna do your podcast you you're working on your act you're getting ready to go on the road you're going over your material how much [ __ ] time do you have to pay attention to the stock market and really know what you're investing in really doing the research on the convoys out of course no it's crazy you know I get reports and I see if this this number is higher than this number this is no [ __ ] time Douglas there's no time you're gonna you know what for you there's no time cuz you do a lot of [ __ ] and you're very ambitious to and to an almost pathological extent where I have all the [ __ ] time in the world and I'm always riddled with anxiety like I can't I do nothing but I can't enjoy it it's not like I'm relaxed like there's something I should be doing all the time to where I'm I'm paralyzed in bed cuz I don't know what it is I should be doing I know there's something well I think if you do more things that feeling goes away I could do like if you do things that you're you're like really tuned into things that are like require your attention then the anxiety of not doing things goes away then it just becomes a matter because then you're doing things yeah I want to enjoy doing nothing like I told you after this week by the time this airs it'll be Monday and I will be retired and I do this as often as I can every few years I quit comedy in my mind where I just I have nothing on the books I have no dates booked now I don't have an act I have used this act in every [ __ ] english-speaking place that I've done you know all over the US and now I've
done everything international I've done [ __ ] expats in Vietnam have heard this [ __ ] act and I have to start from scratch and that's you had that's we talked about this you're starting a new hour through those it's an endless process so I want to have that moment in mentally where I do anything in the world right now I just had [ __ ] off I could write another book or I could but as I have no commitment you know just having that and I still won't enjoy it because I'll just sit there anxiety fuel to go it I should do something well we're always looking for a break we're always looking for that moment of relaxation the moment of I just ah but sometimes your brain is a wire that means having nothing like I don't want to have a gig booked a [ __ ] year from now so what is it when you do that do you feel good you've done it a few times yeah III can make it a few months it's I'm not I'm not a person who needs to be on stage right I can not do that but I have to do this or no I drink too much mmm because I have no reason not to hey sure mimosas at eleven well that's not gonna stop well you've written two books now yeah um do you write books during those periods or do you just write them during normal times I wrote those two books because I agreed to and cash the check first I'm not a guy who does things on spec hey this is a great idea for a TV show let me write it up and shop it around no yeah I get to check first or I sign the contract first or I agree to do the gig first and then go [ __ ] I'm gonna have to have a new hour before I do that tour it's not writing but again I I have minimal needs my shits paid for and I don't have kids I'm not in a not in a pickle like you now you've done it really well as far as how to manage your time manage your time and manage your your freedom you got it in a good place you've been very smart with money – you didn't do anything stupid and get drawn out you know ya live low ya just slip smart by thrift store clothes I live in a small town it's it's a good way to do it man I mean that the I think what I seek that I don't have right now is the balance between the large numbers of people the pressure and then more down time I got feel like I don't have enough down time and then I just think
as a just as a person is paying attention to way my brain works I'm like this is not that healthy like I'm doing too many things like I should have less things to do it was so much fun to watch you at that what's it the show you did stand up off the top of your head don't stand up on the spot stand up on the spot yeah and he was like yeah it's really fun come on up and yeah you just and I saw you do that the last time I was in town and it was [ __ ] brilliant I go that was just you were just riffing that that's not because you were talking about yeah I only have like 10 minutes like I'm trying to write a new Act and I only have like 10 minutes of good material and then I watched you do 10 minutes off the [ __ ] top of your head that was brilliant but it was really funny to see you in that back bar going yeah but I gotta be [ __ ] up to do it drinks you kind of have to be I've done that show sober it's you want to be super high and at least two drinks in that's what you want you want to be lit you don't want to be too lit because then you don't go down a dumb path that doesn't really work like you want to be lit enough that you're you're lubed yeah yeah you're lubed but you're still you're still moving good you still like okay here's what's wrong with that whom and then you go right into it let's just start talking and wait for the funny words to come out don't pause yeah don't think about what's next just cigar it's not good just exercise those weird improvisational muscles you know but it doesn't always work my last one was not good I did one like a month and a half ago or two months ago when was the last one it wasn't good I got nothing out of it sometimes just get nothing do you record yeah always oh yeah yeah that you you'll get these gems out of that show where you're like oh Jesus is my next five minutes I've got it's right there I know where this goes this is gonna go to that and that'll go to this and I can tie it all together boom and you'll I I record but it to get to that Jen if I just did you know an hour and forty minutes hammered and I there was three things usually well bingo used to be on the road with me and she would sit in the back with a yellow legal pad and she
knows my act so if I come up with something new she'll write that down and the next day in the van go oh you said this she said this I like oh [ __ ] that's great and you don't have to listen to yourself and cringe for [ __ ] know what it's dude here's the thing listening yourself and cringing is good for the end oh I know it's the best thing yeah it's the best thing you can do and but at the same time I hate myself so much that it's disheartening where is that what I sound like I shouldn't do this I [ __ ] suck familiarity breeds contempt and when it's yourself – if you're gonna be worth a [ __ ] you're gonna be hypercritical of yourself it's just a fact so you're watching or listening to yourself and just like oh shut the [ __ ] yeah I heckle myself alone listening to myself and Dropbox and I like just get to the [ __ ] point yelling at myself what do you record with you record with your phone chaley records using mp3 players there's a little unit that we if we're on the road and we just bring two mics to podcast on that little thing oh yeah yeah the zoom yeah that'll be better had I I do it on my phone just so I have them there all the time and then I listen to them on my way home I have a ritual I listen to the set on the way home unless I don't have to like if I do a set and I'm like that was just textbook this by the book on autopilot like that one yeah but if there was some new bit or one of those stand up on the spot shows I listen to it all the way home and then once I get home then I'll break out the laptop then I'll start writing just like all right I got the spark going let's see what the [ __ ] comes out of this and I just feel like a lot of it is just throwing [ __ ] against the wall until something sticks and if you know if you're not out there throwing [ __ ] it's not gonna stick yeah you know but but while you're doing it you later I can't believe I'm throwing all the [ __ ] but then a lot of times when when you get so bored with a bit you know like that this like any special I probably have three all right this you know I have to do these three bits but then you're tired of them and then I just start [ __ ] around with it yeah just to make it interesting for me and yeah that's a lot of the times where you find oh this this works yeah sometimes
works better right yeah sometimes you'll find I mean comedy is one of those weird things you have to do it in front of people you can you can write and you can get seeds but you got to plant those seeds in the dirt of the crowd there's Neil there's only way it's the only way thank you I can cut occasionally I'll come up with a bit and it's done and when I come up with it like I know I know the premise I have the set up I got the punchline boom it's done and he could bring to the stage and never changes but that's like one out of a hundred bits yeah maybe right yeah this was my first show in the States since March I started in Southeast Asia and then Australia and then Canada and then the UK and I go I know a lot of these tags are gonna [ __ ] work if I ever get back to the States yeah like this is this is not getting what it should get but it's also and there was other bits last night was my first show in the states where I'm really excited to see it usually it's the opposite where I go I don't know if any of this is gonna work in [ __ ] Europe right right now it's like I can't wait to see what works like what people will get offended at that they're never they don't give a [ __ ] in Australia right this is this it's never too brutal there but that you have with the seismic shift in the political and social landscape now who really has been seismic right yeah yeah but I my audience is pretty much immune to that yeah worried hey you can't talk about this anymore I can well it reinforces your audience it reinforces your relationship with the audience because they know oh well Doug will give us the real deal he'll give us a real comedy you know people are scared to do real comedy right now real comedy is requires requires offense you have I don't I don't I don't have a sponsor or a network that can you know sanction me they will fire you for anything now it's the weirdest time ever her getting fired people getting fired for things don't make any sense I'm not popular enough to get protested or have people try to you know lean on the venue yeah yeah it's AI think it will be good for me well Jamie's are you that said that Kanye West the people
calling the area the time we live in canceled culture this cancel this is canceled culture and everybody is just look that's the cancel Rosenbaum I was talking to you about at the same time I have to like watch how I phrase things because I don't want that [ __ ] Nazi element right and I'm I'm yeah talking in hyperbole yeah they're not Nazis but a lot of people that are [ __ ] I don't want that group I am NOT like anti me to by any means although I do make jokes about it and I've have rape material and I have but I you it's almost like the [ __ ] me to movement has pushed the [ __ ] mag of people into my court like hey [ __ ] move them over here that's funny yeah it's a it's a funny time it's a time of great communication for good or for bad and probably for both but there's more communication going on right now then pretty much ever any time that I could ever remember furrowing my brow at what you mean by communication because I think this is information misinformation I'm not saying like spectacular lines of thinking that lead to transform of ships logs right but is it just yapping be more and more people are yapping in comments they're yapping on Twitter they're yapping on Facebook the gapping and Instagram is more yapping it's more blogs and yapping a video yapping there's more there's a lot of opinions yeah Twitter feed where you used to write jokes on here and now well re put a whole thing about all these comedians like saying things that aren't even remotely funny about issues it's and how how uninformed are a lot of those opinions I if you questioned a lot of these comics like three levels below the surface how much do you really know about this issue that you're speaking about because I remember when I was vaguely not even political but I was really like into the libertarian thing and like if you question and I was open about it listen everything I know on that subject is the bit that I did you question that's just surface knowledge enough to make it funny and then I move on I'm not home studying this [ __ ] afterwards like I know enough to make a salient point which I I can stand behind but if if you had me on a panel talking about it now all I know is the bit that
was the extent of my knowledge with a fist-fuck joke at the end yeah again it's too much [ __ ] to know there's no way you could know most of the issues that are pressing today there's no way if you have an actual job at an actual life and friends and [ __ ] you like to do yeah there's no way so we got a bunch of people that are arguing about [ __ ] that they're not even barely informed my brain is beaten to a pulp where I get I've read a book two days later I remember if I liked it or not and I might remember one fact from that that I can turn into a bit right and then yeah what do you think your brain is occupying like what how do you think it's operating do you think your brain is operating at 50 percent of what it was when you were 21 75 percent I care about a lot less right so how much of it is that well I mean a lot of it is [ __ ] alcohol and age yeah well I blame the alcohol probably as much as I should but I know people that are my age that they can't remember a [ __ ] thing and they don't drink well I think too many things happen to people in their lives too I think it's impossible to remember everything you know they have that thing where you can only keep a certain amount of people in your brain told Dunbar's number certain amount of people I can your tribe like 150 people and keep intimate relationships with 150 people in your brain I bet that's the case with life experiences – I bet that's the case with information I bet that's the case I think you only have a certain amount of database space in your brain and I think some people really exercise it and expand the capacity and get it pretty impressive but there's still only room for a certain amount of [ __ ] there's just if you're really paying attention to some things the other thing is you kind of kind of half-ass it's just the way of being a person we're not designed for you know a perfect output in every single category of things that we do we're designed to pay a lot of attention to some things and as long as like food and shelters taking care of kind of barely pay attention to other things yeah that's what we do mostly but today the the chatter the Yap and back and forth and people wanting to be right I mean I'm watched i watch battles like
twitter battles all day long sometimes just watch these people go back and forth everybody just trying to be right that's never happened before there was never this much because people are doing this mostly probably while they're at work all right they're supposed to be doing other [ __ ] like oh yeah well I'll show you you [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] you [ __ ] Nazi you know and then they just type and [ __ ] each I think going back and forth with each other when they're not getting anything done especially watch someone like it's an old bit about nationalism but because of the current climate people have tweet that clip a lot and then because my name is in then they start an intellectual Twitter war which is the worst when people are using big words and fun lots of facts and you know excerpts from smart [ __ ] magazine you know in a Twitter battle like right it's one thing you have [ __ ] your mother and my team's better than your team and that ship but when they're having these intern intellectual discourses about you know whatever you know [ __ ] climate change her you know nationalism or immigration but they keep me in the [ __ ] thing because it started with a YouTube clip so my name my handle is in there and they don't take me out of the [ __ ] things so I'm involved in these long threads between two [ __ ] you're trying to outsmart each other you're doing this on Twitter you can't have a legitimate argument that's what I told Rosie don't [ __ ] try to tweet your way out of this right if you're gonna tweet at all just keep tweeting crazy [ __ ] like what's the tweet in question into this fog of war if I was like a [ __ ] cleaner yeah that's the way I would have flown to her house if I was ray Donovan I would have flown her [ __ ] house and I would say keep here's more ambien you just keep tweeting crazy [ __ ] until it's completely [ __ ] snowed over so that's the least of your problems that's so true I think most of the people that are tweeting all day are either don't have a job and they're just addicted to Twitter or they're at work and they're just [ __ ] off and it's supposed to be working and so this is way more engaging to them because they're already stuck in this office so they're making sport I
don't like going after people or getting at people or communicating with people they're making sport out of it it's it's flexing their intellectual muscles because they're you know trying to find a good argument to your point it makes you look [ __ ] stupid they're doing it in 280 words it's [ __ ] I mean we've all done it oh yeah I love Twitter trolling you know but when it's stupid just like [ __ ] with people well you were trolling way back in the day when you were troubling warden but you were trolling child molesters oh yeah yeah an AOL Instant Messenger those days yeah that's the book I made a best of that book is honestly that was the funniest [ __ ] I've ever written what year was this as a late 90s like when I did the aristocrats and they go you just make up the joke however you want it I just took like I took verbatim stuff I did baiting pedophiles right I just used doing [ __ ] with them that's I almost forgot about your baiting it was like you had a website right it wasn't the way he had a website a website and they and they had stopped doing it because they get bored with it so you huckleberry finn painting the fence where oh hey we'll get you didn't I asked him hey can I do this and submit them to your site I don't know how we had that much [ __ ] time I would spend 14-hour days just trying to get a [ __ ] forward cuz you get one that went half way through and the guy bails out cuz he figures out you're [ __ ] with them and it's not printable like how did I have that much time I remember spending 12 hours on like free poker sites playing poker and then trolling the people because you have a you know you can chat while you play poker and then [ __ ] with people and just be you know an [ __ ] and how would I have 14 [ __ ] right cuz you didn't have a job I still don't have a job and I still have probably that much free time but now I'm successful you know I feel like I have to keep doing something productive well you're also wiser you realize like how much time you actually advented invested into that versus what you got out of it you know I mean how many different pedophiles did you try to contact for one of them start talking about as well you have to wait for them to contact you roast a point
because you have your profile set up I'm a 13 year old girl likes high this talk with older men you wrote that however you set it up I mean it's written cleverly so you not get another [ __ ] 13 year-old kids talking to you and but just the amount of time [ __ ] off and having fun with it there was a funny story that I heard about a DEA undercover DEA agent who moved in to try to arrest another undercover DEA agent and they were playing each other back and forth against each other and they didn't know that both of them were cops the entire time you [ __ ] [ __ ] just wasted money just wasted money investigating each other so [ __ ] stupid both sides undercover like what the [ __ ] man if Trump started talking about that if you really want to keep people around if you really wanted to get people on the side I think what he would do is start making drugs legal and start saying listen folks there's a reason why it's a problem in Mexico and when you talk to real economist to really you were talking about that on stage last night yeah yeah no problem is the drug war make drugs legal I wish I was thinking about that but well first methods of [ __ ] it's just such a [ __ ] horrible drug ruthless they make a lot of that in Mexico as well yeah it's a ruthless drug it's a ruthless drug but I think part of the reason why it's so [ __ ] up is because all of it is illegal I mean that's a big part of why it's so [ __ ] up is because it's not regulated it's not measured it's the doses or not it doesn't say on the box what will kill you you know you can go and buy this old camp whiskey at any corner store right you just go in there and buy drink that whole thing drink that whole thing if you weigh 100 pounds you're dead you're dead I know I was thinking about that if I did run for mayor I'd have a like they have the gun exchange programs you have a meth exchange is yeah meth for mushrooms ooh that's a great exchange give them good drugs there they're doing this because it's cheap yeah and available well get among good drugs that's that's actually a really good way to approach subject it wasn't one of the things in Hunter as Thompson said what he's running for sheriff of Pitkin County he said any drug worth taking she'll never
be sold and we'll put stocks in the middle of seat in the middle of the city to lock up dishonest drug dealers looks like drugs should be free oh good we're gonna arrest drug dealers I think if we made everything legal we'd have real problems for sure for quite a long period of time the question is whether or not you have enough resources to parent your kids to keep those problems from happening to your family or they're not you have enough self-control to keep yourself from being one of those problems when drugs become legal and accessible but then once it's settled down from there forward we'd be moving in a way healthier place and you essentially take all of the money out of the cartel they're not making any money anymore and then they're not gonna be this murderous gang so I'll get you it it's gonna take a while for things to dissipate but look what they did to Colombia I mean Colombia used to be [ __ ] crazy and now you can go there and it's supposed to be really nice you go to Bogota it's supposed to be a really nice place it's it's safe I want to go to South America and I can't I mean yeah South America it's the only continent I haven't been to mmm Antarctica doesn't count but uh if there's nothing I've never found a place that looks like I want to go the Argentine looks badass really yeah that's uh Argentina's near the glacier it's [ __ ] beautiful down there yeah I know roads talks highly about it but he's Argentinean busy is if some of his he's got family down there hmm yeah look there's some [ __ ] beautiful spots beautiful spots in this country in this world but uh South America South America the weirdest thing is like how much jungle it is like you look at how much of like Bolivia and Brazil how much of it is actual jungle you look holy [ __ ] like no wonder were these people that almost every one of them has some kind of [ __ ] rebel army [ __ ] going on and kidnapping I guess nothing that seems safe like Costa Rica you know you're probably not gonna have a lot of issues right right right but everything I've looked up I was on the beach in Costa Rica with my kid and some dude offered me coke I was walking holding hands with a five-year-old and
dude was offering me coke oh my god not right now brother not right now it's just like I just get you whatever you want gringo you know you come down here to party you know I know you don't live here [ __ ] I'm coming here for a good time where'd you go um I don't remember man it was a couple of years ago but we drove to a couple of different places in Costa Rica where did you fly into San Jose or Liberia Liberia and then we went to the rainforest did the ziplining did I heard a horrible thing I think yeah no it's just the the honeymoon couple in Roatan yeah they crashed into each other and killed the guy and put the girl in a coma they crashed into each other on a zipline yeah so the one of them gets stuck yeah and the other guys come a debt it's like it's like a fat kid and the [ __ ] a waterslide gets stuck in the tube and then the next one comes down and smashes and they were going so fast two men you're going so fast you're on that zipline you're flying I did I did that once just to say I did something the first time I went to Costa Rica yeah that's enough after that I'm happy fat on a boogie board yeah I did it once too and I kept thinking when do they check this wire this wires a mile long how are they checking this wire is not a strong work ethic in coaster either no those dudes who work there who are just climbing up and hitching people onto those things like they're a little too comfortable at the edge those people are just a little too comfortable with hanging off a trees clipping ropes on the wires and shooting you down a little too casual little casual about that endeavor yeah I thought one of the scariest things I've ever done is the cab ride from jaco to San Jose in the capital and they're [ __ ] speeding around what should be like 15 mile an hour curves and there's a you know an ox and a cart in the [ __ ] middle of the road and you just say yeah head-on collision come and go no so one of the things that I used to always be fascinated by Bourdain show was his willingness to continue to go to these places where you had to take these trucks down these dirt roads you
look out the window and you see a sheer cliff and up ahead there's a [ __ ] landslide now they got up bringing a tractor to move the rocks away for a landslide like Oh damnit Vietnam where you you're in a cab from the airport and there's just a see like a Sturgis of Vietnamese people they're all on this the sea of motorcycles and scooters and you're literally moving in your seat like a they're gonna and somehow it works like Cirque du Soleil there it looks like they're gonna crash but they don't crash it those birds in the sky that moved together yeah like how they figure that out and how do all of them gonna get together look at all these people yeah this is insanity that is just straight insanity there's nothing there cars are just driving through have you ever been in Mexico City that might even be that might be the view from where I was staying I was staying in the hotel what they have the iconic picture of the the last helicopter CIA helicopter landing taking off from the roof of the hotel and people are like climbing to be the last person on there that was the hotel we were at that whoa where that helicopter was landing is now a rooftop bar Wow and that was the hotel we did the gig in Vietnam supposed to be awesome know if you're adventurous if you're Tom Rhodes I'm sure it's fantastic if you're me when you're terrified to go out of the hotel no no not at all that rooftop bar is great loved it was like one of his favorite places to go he loved video that's where he had ate with the president yeah Obama that's right they may I still call the president the president he's my president he was my president did you see when NBC rolled out about Oprah here's to our president it was an amazing speech by our president they put it on NBC put it on their Twitter page and then someone came along without [ __ ] are you doing I love what people say well when you complain about something and they go yeah well Obama did the same thing and no one said it well no I didn't I didn't know and that's not the point still sucks to like you when you make a point about an issue that it's a left or right thing where you're actually defending a person or a like no this is [ __ ] up and wrong well Obama did it well this still [ __ ] up and wrong yeah
I never I like I think Obama is a really [ __ ] cool guy as a personality but I'm sure every print yeah Bill Clinton did horrible [ __ ] things and you know like increased sentencing for [ __ ] drugs stuff and what yeah but he was a good personality and I don't give a [ __ ] I don't imagine being a guy or a girl that's supposed to be paying attention to every single issue that's going on in this country and making decisions about all of it and doing it all investigating every single issue perfectly getting all the the right advice from all the advisers carefully considering each and every step the [ __ ] out of here there's no way they can there's no way the president really knows what's going on with all the different problems in this country there's no [ __ ] way no impossible if we just became a cool country like Norway you know and just you know close all the bases around the world don't be world police we're just gonna be a fun country like [ __ ] Iceland right I just bring all the troops back and no more you know what to go ahead with the we're disarming you guys I think [ __ ] would calm down I think the world would calm down as long as we kept our guns as long as we keep our weapons and keep the same amount of people in the military bring them back home make them exercise here if the problem is as soon as any one superpower drifts away they leave a vacuum and another superpower will try to rise up that's the big fear that's what the big military proponents fear is that if we're not strong someone else will become stronger and then we'll be weak we'll be attacked and that it does happen other places in the world that we can't be so naive as to think it'll never happen again so give it a shot and if it doesn't work and I don't know how you can take any president seriously now as we're aging and put time in perspective four years is nothing so I'm gonna make a deal with you and four years later there's gonna be another [ __ ] guys not never mind scrap that like I think there's I think a dictators not a bad thing as long as he's a good one yeah you can keep the devil and dictator that's a monk okay we all have a good time 15 hour workweek well here's the real question the United States was founded because people had decided they
didn't like the way things are running in Europe they didn't like monarchies they didn't like being under the rule of a king or a queen they wanted to do it by elected officials they wanted to have a representative democracy or a representative democratic republic they wanted to figure out something new so they came over here and did it what would be the resistance would have say like everybody tried to do what they did up in Oregon and start a new country somewhere and people like [ __ ] this we're gonna go to this spot look global warming is clearing off some nice swatches of land in Antarctica we're just gonna move up there it's [ __ ] beautiful and green just [ __ ] it we're done we're done and then over there we're gonna barely have an army and you know just have a bunch of dudes look on the lookout with guns make sure we don't get robbed and that's it and you know health care yeah we'll pay for that education yeah yeah yeah we'll pay for education yeah do whatever you want to do [ __ ] kids and ruin it damn that's the problem right overpopulation but how long would it take to overpopulate greenland well that's what they were trying to do yeah I looked into Greenland as a weird place to go visit nice land is fantastic it's just a little dull that's the problem with all these the you know best place to live is Norway and you know Scandinavia and Iceland but there is a it's kind of there everyone's nice it's like going up [ __ ] yeah northern Minnesota and everyone's nice and there's no there's no excitement this no right a buddy of mine that's just said the adrenalin Montana said he was living in Bozeman and I said you didn't love Bozeman he saw a bunch of boring white people that just up there really into bikes yeah really into biking they have great calves parent aunts boring white people but I mean that is the one of the good things about what you do is that you could be in your town and then you can go other places yeah but you always have that town versus if you get stuck like we're talking about people that are just living in Columbus Ohio their whole life not to pick on Columbus but st. Louis whatever name a city versus someone who travels around all over the place the same can be said about someone who lives
in LA if you grow up here and you think this is the world this this crazy congested slab of human rows piled on top of each other no the rest of the worlds there's some spots we can go to where there's hardly anybody you ever been Idaho you don't need an ID oh did you yeah I lived in a town of 400 people for a while when I was 22 no [ __ ] yeah a little cabin on the South Fork of the Payette River of fifty five miles north of Boise there's some lakes up there where you go I shouldn't even be allowed to be here like this is too pretty like this seems like you should have to pay to be here or this should be restricted access or something like it's [ __ ] gorgeous up there III was I was 22 and I my wife left me I moved to Boise just because it sounded funny fraud telemarketing so I could do it anywhere there's a phone right I'm in business and then after we moved to Boise and immediately my wife left me for my best friend we all moved out there together and then my other buddy that moved with us couldn't handle the stress so he met went back to Vegas so I'm almost [ __ ] to Boise and within two weeks I'm alone so I moved up to this [ __ ] and I bought a cab and like a for sale by owner like like I didn't get alone I was like I'm just gonna give you it was what do you call it or I just signed a contract and I'll pay you I didn't go through a bank right underfinanced owner finance and the little cabin the two bars in town and you're either a Long Branch guy or you're the Dirty Shame guy and I was a Dirty Shame saloon guy and I would drive back and forth because in a small town they open around noon but not necessarily at noon and how old were you then 22 that's hilarious they'll [ __ ] chicks there so you were I would drive back and forth in front of the bar until Jolie showed up to open so if it's 12:15 I've been just driving back and forth waiting for her to open and I would I lasted like six months and then I had to ditch out on the phone either by yourself or financing yeah at one point my buddy that moved back to Vegas came up and he was there for a couple months but we'd get on the phone just enough to pay our bar tab in fact my bar tab I traded out like furniture when I when I bailed six months later I traded Jolene like my
furniture in the cabin for my bar tab and yeah that's [ __ ] crazy so you could set your own hours when you're doing that scam telemarketing stuff you just did it whenever you wanted to know and they just got let you clocked in you got paid all I was doing it out of my cabin just pick up the phone I had leads I stole from Vegas and and what did you do like how did that work I did call up businesses and add the pitch and you won one of these awards and you're you just have to buy this many pens like add copied specs advertising specialties this mug with a Joe you want a big award and I'm gonna all you have to do is make a small purchase of these mugs with your business name on them the Joe Rogan podcast and you're guaranteed to win this big award that's worth Weibull Wow so it was just a total scam yeah Wow but cleverly phrased so to stay in that gray area of legal right we're like whoa I knew it do to have a really interesting scam he had a scam where they were making it was a company that would allow you to fix your credit so they would give you a line of credit and you would buy things and then pay off the credit and it would boost your credit back so if you had [ __ ] up credit it was a it was allowing you to fix your credit but the catch was the only things you could buy with their credit card was things from their catalogue so my soul to the company still or yet you know those things so they had these cats can but I'm cataloguing were skilled with stuff but say if something costs you know whatever was a toenail clipper if it costs like $3 at the grocery store there is $25 so if you want to buy it you're giving them a giant chunk of profit so they would ship these terrible little items and it would really actually boost these people's credit it actually did work where booth so it was enough but it was a total scam so you're the only [ __ ] they can buy with your credit cards and stuff from your catalog and everything's marked up through the [ __ ] roof then this dude made millions on that made millions that's what I had spent so the products like when I was working for a company originally we would have the the black matte pen with the gold-medal Florentine trim
and five lines of your ad copy on it and we'd be selling these [ __ ] 25 cent pens for like four dollars apiece so it was but the scan that I was just getting into when I started doing comedy and then bailed out and went full-time and comedy was the the invention once like the George Foreman oh look the grill yeah do you have an invention tell and it's a [ __ ] yeah it's just such a great scam cuz egos involved and it's good you know everyone thinks they should be on Shark Tank those kind of people and you go I can't say but I think what you have here and and then it's a multi-level weather event help there to submit your invention idea to companies I'm not saying invent help is a scam I'm saying scams of that do you have an invention and then there's a step one is we're gonna do a patent research to see and this is gonna cost you this but honestly Phil I think you're onto something I can't say that this is a million dollar idea but I know when I have a feel it's the way you say it and you could like it would be so easy and I was just starting to do that did you feel awful when you get off the phone no I didn't feel awful till years later well I never did get into that fully where I was just starting to do that out of my house out of my apartment in Vegas when I like I'm going full time in comedy so I but the other scams no I never felt bad because you where they say oh they're ripping off old people know we were ripping off young greedy [ __ ] people that think they're gonna [ __ ] get something for nothing and yeah there's all this insane work like what if someone did have a good invention I don't know I never got that far into it I was just starting where I go [ __ ] this I don't have I'm doing comedy I got a I got an offer I moved to Phoenix and I I get a job as a house MC I like six six months yeah about six months after I started fell in love with a girl and Phoenix moved down there get a job as a house emcee you know we're right all I was getting I was getting a free hotel room the club was in a daze in I think it was so I got a free hotel so I had a place to live and I could do comedy five nights a week and talk to the gate chef loved me and would give me free food you do shows in Bisbee now I I have
other people come to Bisbee I filmed that my last it's a throwaway special but I just did it like as an experiment in the funhouse so basically this room not maybe not quite this big it's a 18 by 20 box with a bar built and a little tiny stage in the corner and I've filmed its popov vodka presents an evening with Doug Stanhope and now we're selling it on VHS I don't know if we're sold out but we the only physical copies of VHS really yeah you can get it on Vimeo it's digital I took about an hour's worth of material that I think there's only 20 minutes on the VHS just the bit about popov vodka presents where we tried to get sponsorship it's with Popoff because it's [ __ ] look great shitty vodka and I thought that would be a funny sponsor and Brian reached out and through channels that they said with the Popoff wouldn't touch now you stand up with a ten-foot pole as they serve this so I have this giant 20-minute [ __ ] bit about it and I like I'm gonna be sponsored by Popov vodka against their will and I'm gonna [ __ ] make a special called Popov vodka presents and I'm gonna keep doing it until they give me a cease and this is the but I took an hour of material that get cut out of other specials where I go I really like that bit I just had to cut it down to an hour I'm gonna put this out as the pop-up vodka presents that's hilarious do they know haven't gotten a cease-and-desist we sell it slop out my cousins yeah [ __ ] yeah got a special you're gonna tell me you're [ __ ] rotgut [ __ ] they wouldn't touch a hobos always the best word to use I think in the bid I think I say hobo plasma but I want to experiment more with that and we've had a bunch of comics like Olivia Grace who opened last night she came down there like Bisbee for road comics going to LA what I'm going to do gigs in Austin it's kind of on the way so we've had a bunch of comics down and get drunk and go hey let's [ __ ] do a show cuz 15 people in that room it's tiny enough that that's a real audience and we've never had a bad show there like it and so yeah I want to film stuff I want to start experimenting with doing like just putting out singles like my bits are [ __ ] like you have
bits that are [ __ ] 17 minutes yeah I don't I don't I'm not like Hedberg I don't have one liners so I can take a 16 minute bit and just sell that as a single $0.99 on iTunes or I don't know how that I don't know how that site of it's not a bad idea probably you know there's a lot of people that do their podcasts with subscription like Nick DiPaolo just released his new podcast and he's doing a subscription service we have to pay to listen to it yeah that's one of the things when I retire is figure out [ __ ] like patreon I've heard about this and yeah you just get people to give you money yeah that's nice let's give you money give me money they just give you money like I really support you on patreon like there's a lot of people that do that they just do stuff like please support my patreon oh please give me money yeah I don't really like working I like just talking in front of this YouTube camera so if you like me talking please support my patreon but when everyone talks about their new hour I doing usually an hour and a half now and I'm not doing you know five different bits that I really like that I just got bored with but I still haven't recorded right so I could put out a chunk of those like left over yeah no one's buying a [ __ ] DVD anymore there's getting everything digital that's true so yeah why not just hey this is a great 20 minutes I'm tired of it let's put it out yeah it's not a bad idea I mean you could do YouTube red too or you you know you do it through subscriptions there's a bunch of different ways to do it now it's there's more options every day too it's it's it's becoming interesting and I know Amazon releases a lot of stuff now – yeah they're releasing a lot of stand-up it's uh it's really kind of a made since there's only one YouTube that's what's really amazing I mean Vimeo does exist and it is good but in terms of like when people think of like one platform where you get videos on you really only think of YouTube yeah and monetizing I don't know how any of that works and Jaime can tell you it's not that complicated yeah a lot of people do it how we're gonna have to [ __ ] start doing video for our podcast yeah how come you don't like doing that I just hate being on camera like here it's it
you have it subtle enough I remember your old studio where you I'm looking at my face on a Jovi we still remember dripping yeah that bad bad day yeah we shouldn't have done that way that way was dumb because when we realized somewhere along the line that when they were up on that screen like we would look at ourselves on that screen it would make you think about it and then somewhere along the line I said let's stop doing this this just doesn't it's just a couple of GoPros yeah it's weird so it's an added unnecessary element you're thinking about I don't think about that camera over that camera no yeah yeah but yeah I remember the first time I did your podcast and we were sitting on a couch szilárd we're side by side so it's awkward yeah it was uncomfortable couches are uncomfortable to like sit and talk like sit up and talk like you're sinking into him it's just you want to look across yeah yeah this is it's gonna be 9 years in December yeah look at you crazy yeah that couch was in ari's house where you still have to make me hard sign yeah that was offensive too offensive for Comedy Central yeah you're doing so your fun house is like you have an extra house so you have like your main house where you live in and then you have the fun house that has a bar and then we have a guest house you bought houses in town too right yeah yeah we got a few you're gonna be you becoming your own Oregon cult you like just slowly buy up the town I start renting it out to people that you like that's what the Free State Project remember that whole libertarian movement to try to get everyone to move to one state yeah and that way we can all vote because we get 1% of the vote nationally but if we all lived in one state then we could yeah then they picked New Hampshire huh gonna [ __ ] after you [ __ ] you it's just too hard to get laid up there it's too [ __ ] cold to go I haven't seen winter in many years I remember Fitzsimmons got kicked out of a gig up there and they had told him not to drive at night because there's so many moose on the road but they kicked him out of the gig for swearing they filed they fired him when he when he got there they had his bags packed when he got offstage and they said you're fired get out because you were supposed to be
there for the weekend and they made him drive home I'm guessing this is a long time ago oh yeah we were both starting out [ __ ] Fitzsimmons is a hothead always a hot day is it I never saw that in him oh yeah he's always been he's Irish he's always been a hothead as long as I did his podcast a few years ago and he almost came to fisticuffs with a [ __ ] parking attendant like [ __ ] you you wanna [ __ ] like yeah when his face just [ __ ] beat red he was gonna beat the [ __ ] out of the guy just ignored me he was so angry I'm just waiting there to do his podcast and just blows by me like I'm a problem too like [ __ ] just enraged that's hilarious I go yeah and then we get on the podcast and he's fine I do too we started out together like within a week apart from each other I don't know [ __ ] yeah we were buddies when were raw open my curse we should steal jokes from each other like we didn't really have enough material to do like a half an hour so like you would do some of my [ __ ] I'd do some of his [ __ ] and he would tell me oh yeah that [ __ ] bit worked great and [ __ ] some [ __ ] hole in the middle of nowhere like when you when we were like a year and we were both about a year in when we started getting paid gigs yeah when you're a year and you really don't have twenty that shit's my first my first right before I moved to Phoenix my first paid road gig was in Flagstaff for sandy Hackett and I was co-headlining with a ventriloquist who'd never worked a comedy club he only worked as County Fair circuits and he was I remember he was so weird he it was an old historic hotel that we were staying in that they put us up in the gig is in and he moved to a different hotel because this was so old he thought it was a fire hazard and he said one time he played a cruise ship and someone threw his dummy overboard and he can't go through that again if he lost his dummy in a fire so he paid probably as much as he was making for the gig to get his own hotel that was a decent hotel and I remember I I think I only had to do like 30 or 35 minutes and I was stretching to get 27 with everything I had and I remember stealing some jokes from one of the Vegas open mic errs where I lived they go aback and say oh hey I used some of your material because I had to fill time and then find
I find out later that was stolen oh yeah okay okay yeah those road gigs back then I mean you didn't realize it at the time but what a it's all of it builds up to be this giant education and how to do stand-up and those that the foundation of those Road gigs is irreplaceable yeah all my favorite comics they started out doing the road you know everybody Joey you I mean Ari Duncan I don't know if anyone has done this as a gimmick I know there's this is a town of gimmick shows my first notebook as anyone Benjamin I mean not Owen Benjamin Owen Smith Owen Smith has a show that he does online where I brought him some notebooks from like 92 91 and 92 terrible material terrible and we read over some of the jokes and I even had like forced setups and forced like audience interaction I fake audience interaction when I asked him a question and pretend to hear an answer awful was awful I'm like am i right ladies like I had that is this onstage we did it in the back bar of the Comedy Store and we would go over them that we were going over the notebook just laughing oh I bet I have as a fun stage show is you have to go up and do your [ __ ] do the act right right well the thing is I don't I didn't have the act like clearly right now material from your first notebook well back then if I wrote a hundred things down and one of them was half way worth talking about it was amazing god I didn't know what I was doing my first notebook I have written out might by four minutes or whatever it was including hi my name is Doug Stanhope is written well if you want to practice correctly I know guys used to practice in front of the mirror they would just stand in front of the mirror and do their Hey am I right or am I wrong yeah how do we do here I don't know if I ever did that but I was certainly the guy pacing in the back alley saying it out loud and you know with the hand gestures yeah just going over in your head I know a guy used to say yeah I know a guy used to his act on camera he'd do it alone in a room like in a bedroom set up camera and do his act to the camera then go back and watch and analyze it oh I you get those emails hey this I I'm doing comedy now tell me what you think
and you click on the link and it's a youtube of them in their basement just on camera by themselves like the with the eyes of that YouTube shooter lady creepy reading you off their material who imagine having to do it again it's one of the things that Dane Cook said once the one thing that I could never imagine doing in life is starting over as a stand-up from the beginning again like I have an idea but I'm not I don't I don't want to I don't want to air it but something that I want to do in my in my retirement years but uh it's not quite that but but what comics ask you like the amount of emails what advice do you have how do I start out well I don't know I haven't started in 28 years so just want to interact with you they're just trying to find a way to interact with you if they wanted us to figure out how to start out this night they're not gonna be able to ask you they got to go to open mic night you ask the guy that's where if you haven't done open mic go to an open mic and ask an open mic er what do I do and if you're an open mic her that wants to get work as an MC then ask an MC what he did yeah gasps the guy just above you cuz he knows I don't know how the [ __ ] do you think I know like what the dorfmans look for in a [ __ ] right but uh yeah I mean if you want to be a theoretical mathematician you don't go to some guy who's teaching at Harvard and say hey man how do I get started I haven't gone to elementary school yeah yet but I'm thinking about it these people that want advice like there's no way you can give an advice anyway you would have to see them a whole bunch of times and even then you'd have to be like hmm what are you trying to do where you trying to go and then watch them more watch them try to get better I mean the best advice you could ever give us do it listen record write down what sucks about it write down what work well do it again right right perform suck Yeah right and you're gonna stop is a five word response yeah that's right perform suck rewrite repeat just keep doing it you have to keep doing it it's something that you just don't you're not gonna be great right off like anybody thinks they're gonna be amazing at this like right off the bat you're like oh you
can't it's not possible and if you're asking me I might think you suck yeah and if I say well you suck well other people might think you're funny so don't listen to me that was the best that I my refrain Joey's Gazzola was a guy that was just a little above me and I was given advice to a kid that was just below me when I was at a you know just above open mic ER and Joey pulled me inside he goes don't give these kids advice cuz all you ever doing is telling them how to be like you okay yeah that's true I would have [ __ ] told Dane Cook yeah your tonot they're never gonna you're never gonna be good at this I'm not your audience yeah well comedy is always gonna suffer from that because there's no categories you know I mean it's not like blues or yeah disco you know jazz rock and roll it's just comedy and there's different kinds of comedy different ways doing but there's no categories so it's like they used to build me as x-rated just because there wasn't a category but they wanted to warn people I still have on all my shows to this day it said well it says warning Joe Rogan show contains the strongest material content imaginable because I got tired of people complaining I said tell them that it contains like the most fucked-up things imaginable so if they read that and they go in there couldn't be like wow I couldn't imagine that like it says the most mature thing imaginable now was I remember a plane zany's in Chicago and having a really hard week of walkouts and angry people even though they billed it as you know adult or x-rated yeah there's my hay or I post that all my shows I've had that social [ __ ] were just into sauna I didn't go to sauna in great first of all how cool does a desert look out there looks fake and all those the guy was driving us told us that there were cactuses that have GPS in them because people are stealing cactuses so they steal cactus GPS and the cactus doesn't arrest people at their house the [ __ ] cactus like this so our desert yeah did you drive back after that kid cuz I I went to Phoenix we drove to Feeny told me yeah that's why I don't come up yeah originally I was gonna do other gigs that week but there's too many things got moved around I want to flying into
Boise the next day when you travel to Asia how many different places do you go where it's all expats its it's all expats that's the first time I've done one of those Tom Rhodes tours where it was Hong Kong Singapore we did Shanghai Ho Chi Minh City forget Tokyo Tokyo Tokyo is fascinating huh it seems like a whole different world like this look at you you landed in an alien world where the language is all different with the people look like us there you know but a little different yeah I didn't really whole I didn't venture out much but yeah it's pretty weird but everyone's friendly yeah Singapore is [ __ ] amazing it's like that movie Elysium oh really is absolutely safe beautiful no crime super wealthy right very wealthy like more than New York City like more expensive to live in the York City don't know I I know it's very expensive I was doing a they were paying for all these five-star hotels and [ __ ] where I probably took a bath on the guarantee life if I paid my own way I could have done it way cheaper but uh it's yeah it's it's super wealthy like like Hong Kong is all [ __ ] international banker [ __ ] that's high dollar and Singapore are the people that pay them oh wow so you know it wasn't the expats I was expecting so when you're there like how big are the places you're doing I was like 600 ish mostly people spend well not necessarily the stay somewhere England Australia Canada and there's just a lot of people that move there for work or well Hong Kong and Singapore again a lot of international banker you know [ __ ] tight suit lots of blow probably skinny jeans and blow see my new car come on Vietnam Bangkok a little CD er how many different places do in Asia that was it Bangkok Thailand I'm Hong Kong Shanghai I think I'm missing a couple of Tokyo now that was a but it was it was so quick so you're doing a different country every day so every day is another [ __ ] visa you know customs [ __ ] just crush you and your immune system though the constant travelling when I'm travelling every day I can only do that a few days in a row after a while I'm like I don't get any sleep I don't sleep well when I'm getting up in the morning you got to get up early for the flight then you try to
take a nap you barely sleep you sleep a few hours that night you get up in the morning again you're doing a show so you're wired after the show then you're like two three days in your exhaust yeah it was pretty brutal yeah I think the way to do it is to just spread it out over long periods of time so that you do a gig and then you hang out in a city for like a few days chill out see what's there then move on to the next place I liked all right let's get it out of the way because those days off I got right well let's party Hey look at the Buddha let's drink let's go to Buddha yeah I'm a lot healthier when I have a lot of gigs in a row because then I stay sober till show time you tried quitting cigarettes for a while yeah how I try hold you for the longest was a year in 2008 really I did six weeks of a couple years ago and then got a book deal and went alright that's the one thing I can't [ __ ] I cannot write and not smoke really yeah that's the hardest thing to do quitting like eventually okay yeah I can go I can drink and not smoke I can go out and I could do interviews on the phone that's usually where you got to do interviews I'm chained smoking but writing like book writing now it's just constant Heathcliff had a real problem with that Hinchcliffe he would write we write for roasts and things like that always be smoking cigarettes it was associated cigarettes of writing but he quit smoking cigarettes and it took him a while so there was a cranky period took a while to like get over the hump got one of those vape pens yeah yeah bingo uses those that's what I was gonna set I'm going to bring your vape pen to Rogen's because I don't want to smoke and ruin his [ __ ] studio again and we're fine seems to be working good I mean I could smell it but I mean there's no it's not like thick in the air the fan works does it have filters Jamie do you have to clean filters do we know anything after after today after today [ __ ] Douglas it's 32 o'clock we did three hours really yeah [ __ ] it didn't make sense all right time flies by yep anything to tell these fine nothing to promote there's this airs on my first day of retirement the retirement of Doug Stanhope which will
gonna take a ten day train trip going nowhere but on the train night would go to Chicago Tucson to Chicago to Portland down to LA and back to Tucson just have some fun hanging around on a train beautiful yeah I love it I love [ __ ] moving yeah man I mean you don't have to do anything you could do whatever the [ __ ] you want that's the American dream the American Dream is not just success it's also freedom all right freedom to do whatever that would not be trapped like to be wise enough to not be trapped by your bills or your previous commitments bang it out make enough money stockpile your finances and go okay we're good it's just it's just [ __ ] chill live cheap discount meat lesson to you all America live like Doug Stanhope or don't yeah that's it good night everybody thanks bye [Music]