Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UXpbbX9-Wo
first of all how do you two not have a show together I don't hanging hanging with you guys the other night at the store first of all how much fun was that the bestun so fun but is that what it I can't remember cuz it's been so long it's been like six months now was that what every night was like a lot of nights were like that we just had the craziest like a circus Freak night fun just laughing constantly we used to go to the back bar and crack each other up that was the constant thing it was either in the back bar the back smoking area and everybody was laughing and you get like a lowgrade depression when you're not around it and you forget you forget for months and months and months and then we had one night where we're all like just shooting up and say ridiculous [ __ ] I do feel like I had like a crush on the night like I kept thinking about it like we'd [ __ ] for the first time I was like I [ __ ] that night and I is he thinking about me too and I was like texting with you guys do you remember this we SP three days replaying the night really never when you said this that was so funny I got so emotional when I pulled up and and I walked into the store I almost cried I was like I can't believe I'm here like it's just and then it just there's this we it's not like any like if I had been away for 5 months and I came back and like I can't believe I'm here it'd be great but I was like oo is here going to ever be here again is it ever going to be what it used to be cuz it didn't like there's no reason why it shouldn't be if we could do it the other night I mean the way we did it the other night everybody gets tested you go and hang out and it's fun and we that was STD test but we do all have Co unfortunately my chamia killed my co so I'm good goes away we think we fingers crossed yeah we don't know right what if it's an annual thing it keeps coming back I have a friend who got malaria and then he got malaria again when he got sick so it had been dormant inside of his system my friend Justin Ren he runs fight for the Forgotten he does charities in uh the Congo he builds Wells for the pygmies and he's there all he got malaria three [ __ ] times and so he goes over there
he gets malaria like deathly ill comes back and then he beats it does all the medication and then a long time later he gets really sick and when he gets sick the malaria kicks back in again and he wasn't even in the Congo the malaria is like not to be forgotten like this is a charity for me malaria's killed more people than anything that's right like anything ever more than Wars I think my dad had malaria he was born in his he was born in Panama because his dad was stationed there and he got malaria when he was a baby but it never came up again never had any problems with it Jamie didn't we look this up didn't didn't they say that I know I [ __ ] this up that malaria killed the people who have ever died ever whoa something that's when we looked it up it's been exaggerated a little bit but it's definitely killed a lot of people but let's say a quarter if we say a quarter it's probably pretty imagine that just let's say a 25% of all the people that have ever died ever been killed by malaria right so they just I just put this on my Twitter on my Instagram that they released or they're about to release some [ __ ] Untold hundreds of millions of genetically modified mosquitoes in the Everglades Everglades or in the Florida Keys I Florida Keys who the [ __ ] knows and what is it supposed to do I don't know you get some [ __ ] nerves did you read it delivering the vaccine I I got scared I pulled away from it and then I got a text from a friend of mine as a biologist and he was like what the [ __ ] are they doing I'm like if you're scared now I'm really scared I saw you post that I was like maybe I should read the article and then I was like reading's really challenging maybe I'll just go I'm still catching up on murder Hornets like I still don't know what happened with the p tape like I'm so beh every day is some crazy adrenal do you think the p t is real and is it going to come out like right before the election if it does come out right before the election but does it work now because of the mail thing like people who are they're voting already right right right I I think we are sort of at a point where nothing [ __ ] matters we're in this sort of like nihilistic thing where it's like if a p tape came out right now of trump like peeing on
someone we just be like they don't care nobody car people like Trump aren't like I like him because of how he treats women long I like how he doesn't pee on women I love how women leave the room with him dry from your as long as he didn't apologize he'd be fine yeah exactly as soon as you apologize you're [ __ ] you can't cancel Trump it's like it's it's like in a car accident the first person to apologize it's their fault so you got to just get out in the car accident just be like what the [ __ ] man what the [ __ ] was up but it is a gross thing when someone hits you and then they say that was your fault you're like oh oh never apologize you told me that your dad T you that right never apologize yep which you told me after I got in a car accident you're were like the one advice my dad gave me that was the best advice was when you're in a car accident never say sorry cuz you'll get blamed for it but what if you actually actually did it then you should say sorry if you hit somebody with your car you look them and you go like I'm going to sue the [ __ ] out of you you missing a leg I'm not paying for that don't you think you should say sorry if you rear end someone of course I did that I was thinking about you CU you posted that irresistible uh that book the other day dude I Reed someone texting like a year ago and I got out and I was like I know I need to have a consequence for this Behavior because I was texting and driving well you have to get the consequence Caitlyn Jenner you have to become a man you have to transition can you give me your doctor Annie well there was no consequences that's how you avoid the consequences right cuz nobody even talks about the Caitlyn Jenner thing yeah it's crazy is it has the joke where he's like he harvested the vagina of the woman he killed or something oh my God that that is what I miss so much honestly that's Kurt Meer and he hasn't been canceled in a couple years he need to be recaned that's such a Curt joke he's so funny he's going to wake up and be like [ __ ] you guys you just canceled it he's he's it's a a travesty that that guy's not more well known and every time I do podcast with him too he's so he's funny on podcast he's smart as [ __ ] he's really well read he's great yeah his ideas are very unique funny smart yeah
they're great something that was so important at the comedy story the other night is that these last six months have sort of Hoodwinked me into believing that like jokes are dead that we're not allowed to make jokes anymore and because Twitter sort of you know we're hallucinating with all the [ __ ] we're seeing on Twitter and and blowing it up to be bigger than uh it should be but like as soon as I saw Tony Hench Cliff IW I said the most offensive [ __ ] possible and everyone exploded in laughter and I was like ah yeah [ __ ] it back oh he's the best for that that little [ __ ] will say the most evil [ __ ] no the moment something happens there's no too soon for I mean Tony's like no no no no not Tony I don't think we're designed to just be on the internet if you're just on the internet and not seeing human beings and making jokes around actual people you can be tricked into thinking that that shit's real well Stan hope really said it best once he said I could quick comedy but I couldn't quit comics and that's what the other night was like like i' I've had my little fix where I did a weekend in Houston a couple like a month or so ago but it wasn't as fun as last that night that night was the most fun because it was just a bunch of comics just laughing at each other saying a buch of [ __ ] that will get us canell talking over each other it was just like amazing but this the art form of saying [ __ ] you don't really mean and everyone knows it we all know like if you say something really gross to me I know you don't mean and I'm laughing it's like it's understood and it's also understood that you're you're taking a big [ __ ] chance with our friendship by saying this crazy [ __ ] around me cuz you trust me it's like the ultimate trust fall or something like I'm going to say some crazy [ __ ] to you you're not going to abandon me or judge me and we're going to be it's like a trauma Bond or something I've defin trauma Bond that's my favorite it's myor name of your next special bond trauma Bond I'm going to name it I'm gonna name it that totally should be a special trauma Bond that's a great name for a special but um yeah no I've said some things to you where you've looked at me like and I'm like are we not friends anymore like there's two things I said to you that I'll never forget and I like
cuz I just say things when they come to my head yeah we listen if I react that way it's because I have to react that way it's like I was like do you think you have CTA CTE and like you could possibly like at one point like murder your family and you do you went do you think I could and I was like oh I don't know I like can I have a fanny pack but you know part of the fun is like what the [ __ ] did you just say to me it's like emotional sparring or something you know and and it's it's really [ __ ] up because like just what's been going on the last couple years you know it's like I never feel more equal like when people want talk about men and women I never feel more equal than when a male comic is [ __ ] pummeling me they cuz they not physically uh cuz they know I can [ __ ] take it you know you Pummel right back that's what's fun about it is like they they're not doing it to be a bully they KN they're doing it cuz you want to spar hand and you're like okay [ __ ] and then everyone nobody wants you to go like ow and then like sulk and walk away that will ruin everything thank you for not everything thank you for not thinking I'm fragile but it is funny when you just go like a little too far well that's the risk well the pink hair thing I wrote about you I was like is she gonna get mad at me about that you she tweeted we were FaceTiming last night and she tweeted a p or uh Instagram a picture of it and she goes Annie let himman you're a mess and I wrote Okay pink hair that's nothing I don't know I was just like like is she going to get offended I don't know some people have weird ail's heels you know some people have weird I mean I'm doing the roasts all the time it's amazing how you can accuse people of rape and say like crazy [ __ ] racist [ __ ] but then as soon as you say like your dog's ugly like they want to [ __ ] storm off and that's you obviously so roast battle was really good for comedy really good for that's where Annie and I met the first time oh should we talk about it our me cute story we yeah we didn't start off on gr terms it was it was okay though it wasn't that bad you you texted me so fast after it that I was like it's so weird Wendy cmings just texted me but um you are intimidating I am going to
say that there's something very intimidating about you it's cuz you're showing your mid drift at all times it doesn't matter all all different shapes of muffins it doesn't matter tness from your well you're you're confident that's one thing but as there's a fear that you could be mean so that's what people are scared of that you're confident but you might be mean it's like wo I got to tread lightly I think the funniest thing is like you also dress you wear military Garb you dress like a I do look like anti-semitic I'm going to be honest with Bo those boots you know I just was like should I wear sneakers or boots Annie's dad didn't love her no my dad loved me a lot he just too much very mean no not that much no that was a teacher whatever now you're just bragging um I don't want to brag but um no but so I did it was when Jason rman was filming the roast battle for Sundance and it was me against Mike Lawrence who's old friend of mine we did mics together and stuff and you and Dane Cook were the judge and I remember coming out and being so excited that danne was there because I had a joke written but I went I went I went uh Dan I'm so I'm such a big fan I'm so glad you're here um but I'm confused if you're here who's at the Improv getting bumped by crystalia and he just went he went away I didn't expect he was going to go he went he went like that was funny and then he liked me afterwards and I was scared cuz I was like is he going to like tell me all my jokes suck now but he was cool but then he said something else where he said to someone you know you're really you're really good you're going to be very successful and I was like yeah but just don't uh don't take Financial advice from dve cook say don't hire his business manager his story that he told in your mom's house of how his brother stole his money is terrifying crazy terrifying crazy well you said to me I was saying I was like I'm when I'm rich I'm going to get a chef and you were like keep your circle small an you're like you don't want a [ __ ] Chef you don't even want an assistant yeah yeah when you when you have an assistant that means you do too much [ __ ] do L [ __ ] that's a good point and by the time you tell someone to do
something something you could have just done it yourself look you can get lucky I have friends that have have had assistance that wind up being their best friends and it's great they're just a cool person that they met that needed a job but I also have friends that got sued by their assistant and David Spade got tasered and tied up almost murdered almost murdered by his assistant his assistant was trying to kill him David David Spade has on his bedroom door a [ __ ] a latch like a like a medieval wooden latch and the [ __ ] up part is it's from the it's from the outside so when you go in you can't leave imagine being a girl going in hook up with d he's like can I get you some drink it's like damn that's so crazy like the scar and he's a small man he's a tiny little guy so that the fear of that must have been terrifying yeah and his I think the assistant he told this story he had taken like overdosed on Tylenol PM or something and if you take enough of that your body goes into shock and you produce crazy adrenaline and has the opposite of a soporific effect or something really so the guy was like hopped up in nuts and I think David had a gun under his bed and the guy took the gun out I mean it's a wild if you be careful you give the keys to your house oh I was going to say be careful if you try to Rob David Spade he's got a gun under his bed so make sure or if you do just come in slow and sneak under the bed it is a water gun for his comedy bits but um but also it's it's any assistant that wants to be a celebrity assistant wants what you have maybe right or maybe they just think it's a good job but it's generalizations are our business right they're fun they're fun but you can have a nice assistant you can have a nice secretary you can have good people you work with like there's a lot of people that are comedy teams and it works out great like look at Matt Stone and Trey Parker those those [ __ ] guys have been banging it out and making awesome [ __ ] forever they've been banging like they're not out they're not out but so how do we meet me but you know it's like there's generalizations we always like to talk about comedy marriages they don't work out but sometimes they work out yeah Rich fost and Bonnie McFarland Rich fos Bonnie McFarland oh my God Tom Natasha
and mosha yeah they work yeah Tom and Christina there's a I'm excited to see these kids and what happens to these kids they'll be funny they'll be funny yeah they're going to be hilarious they have to be rich and Bonnie's daughter just turn I think she turned 13 Raina she is the [ __ ] funn sometimes she does their show with them I've known her since she was a kid I'm so you think I'm scary I'm like your daughter's like a [ __ ] in the good way like she's so funny she's so cutting she's but I see her and I'm like you got to be on your toes cuz she's the funniest sharpest she's funnier than both of them imagine growing up in that house oh my God uh Rich Foss has one of my favorite jokes that we're probably not allowed to tell anymore uh he had this joke is just [ __ ] kill me he go um I don't mind [ __ ] a girl on her period I just pretend like I'm killing her Jesus Christ I know it's like one of my favorite oh my God that's a perfect example like the reason why we're laughing is cuz he doesn't really mean that that's the problem with writing something like that down in quotes you would go These Guys these [ __ ] [ __ ] are laughing at this like only cuz it's not real but also the same people that are complaining about it are the people that watch like True Crime [ __ ] and like are literally masturbating and falling asleep like a to a like beautiful tale of murder yeah see they watch CSI they watchu all these things F isn't it weird how many of those shows there are tons people love it and the the ones the really dumb ones like the CSI ones that are so clunky like at the end no no disrespect but you know what I'm saying like they they kind of have to be they're they're rapping up a show in an hour but at the end of it they're always it's always like and they catch the bad guy every time you're like now I can sleep well isn't that what was in that book irresistible that you were just posting about our brains are wired to need completion like we have to get to the end of something even if you're watching a shitty movie if someone turns it off you're like I have to [ __ ] Know How It Ends sucks edging with this movie No Country for Old Men was disappointing for a lot of people cuz the end you're like hey that guy is okay he gets away what the [ __ ] that's a wild
movie that's a wild movie I rewatched a lot of classic movies over the last six months because we haven't been able to do anything and I rewatched that [ __ ] that [ __ ] is insane that hair the weirdest part of the haircut is the craziest part of haircut amazing yeah it's a disturb he is disturbing looking that dude is so good wait is that what I look like right now wait a second your eye bags with that's me in 10 years when I go full joone rivers what is his name again uh Javier bardam when I go full joone rivers I like one time I was at the Brea Improv high as [ __ ] like way too high and I'm sitting there just breathing heavy and Joan River show came on the television and when you see someone with those fillers in their face and the ratio's all off cuz it's like and then their face isn't moving I was horrified I was sitting there just barbecued watching the screen going oh my God this is crazy well I have a theory about plastic surgery if you're going to like trim some off the nose you have to put it on your chin or something you have a certain amount of face meat and it has to stay on your face no you're right there's a there's actually golden ratio Fibonacci Sequence actually applies to your face that's why when someone gets a nose job and you're like your nose looks good but it doesn't look like it's your nose like what What's Happening Here nature knows what it's doing there's a certain Arrangement it's it's like whack-a-mole if you mess one thing up you're going to have to move everything else but I was reading something about body dismorphia about how we've gotten so dysmorphic about what we look like because we're always looking at ourselves on screens and in photos which is the reverse of how other people see us and they say that if you were to see yourself out in the world you wouldn't be able to recognize yourself that's how dysmorphic we are that's ridiculous cuz there's videos of you so stupid whoever said I have a twin brother I would go I'm right there what the [ __ ] are you talking about that's me I know what my tattoos look like that's what my head looks like but like we're just so dysmorphic we Googs on ourselves okay people say ridiculous [ __ ] sometimes and it kind of sort of makes sense but it doesn't like I remember
reading once that the Native Americans when they first saw like Columbus and the the people in the boats coming they they couldn't see them cuz they didn't know what that was I'm like get the [ __ ] out of here they figured they could look at how do you like then explain UFOs how do people see UFOs explain asid I knew this would happen if you seen coming to aliens I had a feeling it didn't take as long as I thought it would actually we had a bet Whitney you owe me $10,000 but there's no way they didn't see the boats that's a dumb thing people like oh wow they didn't see the boat how the [ __ ] do you know what they saw boats they saw things that look like this thing they're going to find out is called boats coming toward 500 years ago how the [ __ ] do you know what they saw I think the more fascinating thing about what you're saying is the fact that people are so willing to believe it which is why we're in the situation we're in people want to believe crazy [ __ ] so when you see fake news when you see you're like yeah that happened like you want to believe something ridiculous let also people say things like that like they couldn't see the boat so that you pay attention to what they're writing like like oh this guy look he's saying crazy [ __ ] and then you go and pay like that's why people say crazy [ __ ] there's a lot of people that are look when you a lot of our friends yeah for sure but like online trolls right like what are they doing they're saying crazy [ __ ] so you pay attention I mean that's that's really and it's addictive they know you get that adrenaline hit from I just thought they wanted me to know I'm a fat [ __ ] I didn't know that I thought they were just like she's got to know she's a fat [ __ ] I'm a busted [ __ ] I have to tell God has anything ever hurt your feelings in the comments if I'm on my period I'm filled with rage and then I go oh [ __ ] I go it's the red week guys it's the red you still get your period that's good news the red week oh my God Whitney you just made yourself elderly for no reason we're the same age [ __ ] you're just more successful than me that's what I like Whitney you know we're at the same age you're just way more successful than me like I think of you as being like 20 and I think of me as being like 71 well she had like a blackout segment of her life
that like doesn't count yeah right it counts towards you being funny but it doesn't count towards like life progress I'm five years younger than I am because I just didn't have those years but there is foot you know luckily ju just drinking oh got it got it got it you know just with enough Jagger you can really have I been with you drunk before I bet that's I quit drinking uh right before I started right after my first open mic I bet you're a oh I was fun they called me fun girl Annie which I just realized was an insult now like I was like oh I was like that's right I'm fun and's like yeah [ __ ] you're fun did it like destroy your life yeah I would definitely be dead now I think if I didn't stop drinking and what did you drink Jagger I was I loved Jagger I liked whiskey I liked anything that was like kind of like I would be either being a frat or like with a grandfather like it was like very is harder for clean comics when you're I mean clean meaning not sober when you're you're I have no clue what it's like to be a clean comic back to this conversation again no but uh when you go to a bar like if you're at the comedy store and everyone's drinking for me not one minute not for one second and it's funny sometimes people will be like is it weird I'm drinking and I'm like you think I would relapse with you e by the way if I relapse I'm like going to throw a party we're going to an island it'll be fun I've never understood how people can drink so much on stage When I See Stan hope up with a [ __ ] thing of vodka I just would just most of the time Stan hope drinks Bud Light though oh nice drink like light beer and he drinks it all day yeah he's like I just want to get fat he's like I'm not trying to get drunk I'm trying to get obese is that he likes to keep like a mild Buzz all the time never want aild Buzz it's not a bad way to go like Chappelle does that too if you notice Chappelle will keep a mild buzz and there's something about mild buzzes that really accentuate who gives a [ __ ] comedy like like come on I don't give a [ __ ] like Buzz though is like so unattractive I want to be I was like let's take like a smoke break from I was like let's black the like bye [ __ ] like I had no interest in being like just a little like loopy I never drank wine
until the pandemic I was just [ __ ] bored and like trying [ __ ] out I was like what what's my personality on this and this and I was like trying to find the best version of my personality and it turns out it's Ros Seltzer it's white it's white claw and roofies um so I was doing definitely ketamine by the way Whitney's been date raping herself guys she's been putting herself into K holes and then getting right in that hole I do K and masturbate no the the ketamine is like prescribed though it's prescribed yeah yeah yeah it's prescri it's like a nasal spray you it's in my purse somewhere yeah what's so funny about it is it's a nasal spray but when I was going to Raves and doing it we also nasally injected I mean they're literally just but this is a pretty Trace amount it's not a lot and I only do it like a couple times a week a couple times a week do let's do a bunch of ketamine and stab ourselves like da that's got his coties on it it went through his arm I don't even think we cleaned it good did it really go through his arm oh it I pushed it through stop for a second yeah we I hit a nerve the first time that I had to back out and do it again I didn't want to do it he did the frog live yeah yeah Frog's fine he [ __ ] the frog out he threw it up in my hand do you know that there's a book called eat that frog that's like about getting your work done in the morning it's just funny you literally eat the ate the Frog oh like eat it just like get it over with part done Andy and I have swallowed way Weir things H weird we swallowed a lot honestly not even a sharp ice pick this is did it make a sound at all no it just was like puncturing a steak and it wasn't you picked the spot that he kind of pointed me towards his arm like what area is a better place to go through but it was bleeding I mean do you think it would taste like elk I don't think so I think people taste like pigs o changes everything cannibals call people long pigs long pigs a nickname did you notice that uh Blaine whenever he would have you do something he would first like doubt himself it's almost like a a power of suggestion thing where he'd be like no no it might be fake test it out it might be fake remember the Frog it might not be a real
frog or the the this might be weighted so you can see it right there that's where I'm going through his arm whose hand is that that's his that's his hand that's his hand he's like pushing on the skin that is the darkest hand I've ever seen in my life he gets tanned he's got a lot of money is there something is there something psychological it's either you're very poor or you're very rich if you're 10 it looks your face Joe is there's something psychological about him doing that like touch it maybe it's fake make sure it's not fake um yeah I'm sure it does that with cards and I'm sure I don't know anything about magic but I would imagine anything you could do do to overload the brain like if you are uh distract yeah if you're sparring with someone or fighting one of the things you're doing is you're trying to overload their brain so you're moving you do things you faint you you fake like you're going to punch then you kick them but what you're doing is you're [ __ ] with their heads you giving them too many things to think about he's kind of doing that too like check the cards out and he says things and he kind of doubts himself and asks you if you're sure there's so many techniques involved but he is a master Amazing him doing that [ __ ] to he had he did a card trick with one guy holding one of his wrists and another guy holding another risk like he couldn't do anything his sleeves were rolled up and he he did a card trick for us so cool someone I know you're not supposed to say how magic happens but I don't I don't think that this counts is like but uh there was this guy that I knew that did you're afraid you're going to get in trouble with the Magic Castle she's like I'll never go to the Magic Castle again I'm afraid I'm to get going to be so [ __ ] mad at me I don't want magicians coming for me but sometimes they carve holes into their hands uh like flaps of skin and that's where they put the coins underneath like they actually yeah they carve like little divots in their hands and that's how they hold the coins how the [ __ ] can you carve give it in your skin and then you let it heal so like scar tissue and that's how they're able to hold the coins what crazy [ __ ] I come on really yeah is there really no way to find out how magicians do their tricks well you'd have to become a magician you
have to yeah they let you in you got to get in the club it's amazing bla is telling me that he has a friend that's a card guy that will literally be playing with his cards 13 hours every day every time he's on the phone with him he shuffling and yes that's what I was saying to him I was like the way you move your hands it's it's similar to martial arts because when someone's really good at a martial arts move they have it just the pathway is just greased and slicked and they they ner neurons and when they do it just it just goes and that was kind of to him with his hands I was watching him move the cards around I was like wow like someone who plays guitar really good like there's something about it or piano it's fascinating have you seen Kyle's Kyle dunigan's joke about where he's like I'm not good at Magic but I'm I have good magician hands and he like you seen the time cancellor uh you ever seen this new thing to oh my God where he he goes back in time to cancel people from the past that's so good yeah he he says a tweet he says like a mildly racist tweet like uh is it just me or does Indian food smell funny and then he has to throw himself into a wood chipper and so a team of incredibly diverse women scientists rebuild him and they put him back together again like the $6 million man out of the wood chipper and then they turn him into a much more woke version of himself who's a time cancellor so he's part machine and he goes back in time and canel people it's [ __ ] hilarious it's so funny dude I miss everyone I know it sucks it's weird to think that we saw each other every night I every night for 15 years and just talking [ __ ] having fun and then boom it stops so weird it's like a family being broken up I don't think it should have stopped I really don't I don't you know I think people should be able to make their own decisions well I think that there's ways to do we could do the weird social distance things you know where it's it could either be outside or it could be you know people are far back and spread out it makes no sense that people are allowed to go outside have socially dist meals but as soon as someone stands up with a microphone and starts talking it is a spitty job though I was watching you when they changed the lights in the main
room right before everything shut down and the lights were dark I was watching you from the side I've never seen so much spit I was like it's like a [ __ ] one it's like one of the sprinkler Kids jump through I was like droplet after droplet after we all Gallagher it turns out and I was like holy [ __ ] and then um and then I was thinking that and then I went oh my god when it C sh we really do deserve I mean I think we might deserve this Al we're spitting into mics and then i' like made out with Tim Dylan pretty much like I've gotten the flu a couple of times from people's microphones one time I did a gig with Tommy and Tommy was sick as [ __ ] we're in San Francisco and we all got the flu because we shared a microphone together Davidson no uh seura I started bringing a microphone with me on the road like a year ago because I kept getting [ __ ] bronchitis from you bronchitis good BR your own mic and I was like my opener everyone thought I was such an [ __ ] and being a diva but I was just like dude I can't get SI I did like 40 cities before I shot a special and it was so worth it I think that I I do think there's a lot of things that are happening in this that could carry over like I know you think I'm Master for [ __ ] or whatever but I like that it's like Master for [ __ ] there was a bur clip that went viral was me trying to talk him into talking [ __ ] it was the funniest it was very funny I like you that I wear a bandana I have it everywhere I want to get a cool one I'm trying to think oh I'm wait can I show you the mask that I'm making yes I was trying to do jayena would not approve of these I was trying thinking about doing a joke remember when all the um um prisoners were released is that you Annie is that fun do you think people will buy it [ __ ] yeah they'll buy it where where can they buy it I'm well go to my website I'm going to launch them I'm launching them this week you got to do it immediately otherwise people are going to jump I'm launch I'm launching it today when I leave I will because the problem is when this goes up these [ __ ] they'll they'll start putting it up before you well I'm launching it today that's the Annie Letterman thing if anyone does it Joan's gonna [ __ ] sue you okay he's gonna get another $100
million suing your ass for me there's so many people selling bootleg [ __ ] online right now isn't that funny though bootleg everything fake P all that [ __ ] well bootleg shirts there's a lot of my shirts that are bootleg a lot of uh like mugs and stuff that are bootleg all these different things that have nothing to do with me with my face on it guys this is sponsored by The Joe Rogan podcast um experience that's a Yeti Tumblr Yeti Tumblr yes it's legit it's very legit everything's Yeti involved with you I every time about The Comedy Store and we're talking it somehow turns into you fighting bears swear to God every conversation we could be talking about [ __ ] anything and then it's like 3 minutes in Once you walk in I'm like and we're fighting bears again okay I have a real problem we got to get you a bear no I don't want to have anything to do with bears I'm scared of nature really yeah for sure that's why you kill it well no to eat it do you run with a taser I run with a little taser now I carry a big knife I have please don't run with a knife I've seen you play basketball I have a little taser it's taser is not a bad idea but I don't know if that'll work I carry um paper weights that fit on your knuckles you carry that little taser around with this whole thing with me yeah I put in my have you tased yourself to see what it feels like I want to do it should we we have got to get more views than David BL what if Annie dies what if it just turns out that that's her Achilles heel just Falls over like she had so much promise I've been having a good week so this is a good week to die for someone that used to drink Jagger this is going to be [ __ ] nothing so that's your thing so when like a mountain Li comes after you just just [ __ ] knuckle punch him with that thing just has to protect her dogs from you wow to like heat up they look like elk they're big and then I have that little hammer in my car for it has to heat up does it have to heat up I know I'm dead are you serious hey hold on bear can you just hold on I need to heat up my Taser just stay there we talking about bear or gr or whatever that guy's name is we're not talking about large overweight gay men
maybe don't oh God no you didn't did you just touch that oh my God that's not real I thought that it wasn't working it wasn't that bad it's really not that bad it's not but J the bear is going to also agree that it's not that bad but it's got I touch one little one and it's a lot of them you just most likely if a mount line even if you have a knife if a mountain line gets you you're [ __ ] they're just too strong yeah and they'll go straight for face you want a fighting chance you want to just be able to sink something into their neck I watch The Covenant every day I go the Covenant is that what it was called the reant the re like what I got to go tase me quick I need to I need to come back from this you know it's kind of based on a real story yeah it is yeah it's a little [ __ ] up up I mean they they switched a lot of [ __ ] around and changed some things but it's kind of based on a real story that scene was so brutal they were all they were all I mean that that that I that was the only movie I had to like take breaks from while I was watching it like with the when his kid was dying and he couldn't get up and save his kid that just like destroyed me you are so nice so funny on nice when Joey fell I always tell the story Joey fell and H his knee at The Comedy Store one night and Whitney was with him he he ended up being all right but he just he just tripped or whatever we're not going to see who you store um I mean but he was like sitting on a on a rolling chair and Whitney was like and I I went I rushed over and I went Whitney are you okay I was destroyed no Joey walked into the kitchen you know when right when you walk slippy from Air fryer or something I don't know what it is it's so oily right there how many [ __ ] orders of fries come flying through that I mean that's all anybody buys is fries and chicken wings it's all that oil it's like a thick smegma on the ground you can feel it you always catch me eating the worst food I'm like I'm always like shoving my face and then Rogan walks in and I'm like deep throating those like pretzels the nuts I'm just everything I'm eating nuts are good Joey's in front of me and we're going through the side right Joey's in front of me I just see him go
down and my brain just went Joey had a heart attack Joey had a [ __ ] heart attack he goes down his leg went behind him it was some crazy [ __ ] where he did like a split and we couldn't figure out what even happened and he tore didn't he he tore something in his knee or his ankle something like that not his ACL but something it was bad he couldn't walk he couldn't get up and if you were having a stroke or heart attack you don't know you're having it so I he kept saying like I fell on my knee I fell on my knee and I was just so worried that he had Remember Jay Leno was telling us that story about Rodney that was so he's hosting the Tonight Show Rodney does a set and he's like something's off he's like uh call the paramedics I think R his timing was off and he was joking around kind of but he also knew that something really was wrong so they call the paramedics they check Ronnie he did have a [ __ ] stroke so he had a stroke while he was out there doing standup which is crazy it's insane didn't someone die on stage doing stand up yeah two people have there was a British guy I don't know his name who had a heart attack on stage and then there was years ago Jim Norton had posted a clip of it there's a clip of it was a a live kind of variety show and there was this guy I can't remember his name I wish I remember it but he um he was he was doing a bit in front of a um curtain and live television and he pass out and falls out and they're all laughing thinking it's a part of the bit and then you see them drag him out but it's kind of a good way to go this guy oh Jesus where was this that right there oh my god oh oh that's how I really died was it a heart attack yeah I think you died of a heart attack is that [ __ ] up your heart don't grab your heart while we do this you C and grab your heart my heart's over here dude I always this is what I I always think I was telling Whitney about this when you were like flexing your pecs or something in the kitchen of The Comedy Store and I was like I want to try you're like ew put your H something it's so it is so funny because like so many people like ew so many people want to like go female Comics male Comics like I I feel like we're so when we're together we're so weirdly genderless like we're like brother and sister we were talking about
that the other night it's a real meritocracy if you're funny you're one of the clan and that's really all it is and I I get that It's upsetting for people on the outside I get yes you're not a club that sucks a friend of mine who is a a philosopher very smart guy try to explain it to me and he just completely independent of this he's like you guys have to understand that your little and he's not a comic at all he's like this little group of people is like a Walled Garden so there's a lot of people on the outside of it that see you guys having so much fun and doing all these things together and having each other on each other's podcast and there's just an automatic feeling in human nature to feel like you're alienated from that group so that group somehow or another disrespects you the group is negative or bad or mean or this or that and then it compounds right you know and then it becomes whatever whatever the group is whatever your identity politics is if it's a rightwing thing or a girl thing or a gay thing or a boy thing whatever they find they find a thing that makes you different from them and you negative and then positive and you're a suppressor or you're a bad person well it's outward it's the outward locus of control right so it's like I'm saying that my life is where I don't want to be because you made me feel this way or you did this it's not like cuz if you think about anyone complaining about their place in comedy it's like that's time to write jokes like the time that you're focusing on why you don't have a thing has none of you have no clue what anyone's story is you don't know if it was easy or hard for them you have no but it is a hard job it's not a comfortable job some of the people complaining have had specials so you've had a chance you got on Comedy Central you got on Netflix you got somewhere and people didn't respond and that's not because The Comedy Store is filled with [ __ ] that's not what that is this it's a [ __ ] hard thing comedy's a hard thing it's hard and honestly the harder the hallways are the easier it is on stage so I was always so grateful when people it's fun you go on stage laughing at some [ __ ] someone just makes you try to like one up each other it's like that's whyel is the most fun person to hang out with because he's so
like it's just like never ends yeah you're just he just shows up with a [ __ ] plastic bag of his [ __ ] his purse yeah his 7-Eleven purse he's got a small garbage bag he brings with dude wire hanging one of the greatest Comics who ever Liv that's what I love about Comics is like no matter how great if you're a real [ __ ] comedy star comic you're still just like who you are forever if you stay with your tribe yeah we're lucky as [ __ ] you know we're we're really really lucky and it's weird now you know like that night when we were all hanging out doing The Comedy Store documentary it was so much fun but it also was bittersweet because I I left when I was driving home I was real emotional I was do you remember I kept gripping you going don't go I was like no you I've in a conversation over here I wasn't a kale I was overdosed in a [ __ ] k there's a lotney like it's mental I'm like I'm a cloud [ __ ] my body is a cloud that's not mental there's going to be an expose on Whitney Cummings drugging female Comics I'm actually the perest person in comedy listen that was the only time in this whole covid period that I thought maybe I shouldn't go the only time was hanging out with you guys was like but I'm still going butn it I was thinking I was thinking like this is so rare like how many grown adults like once you get to a certain age like you're your 30s you're with your friends like you have that kind of a life where you can go and be with your peers and the store is so unusual because like people that go on the road okay if you go on the road all the time it's just you and the people you go on the road with you don't get to converge at a home base and that's what the store is that's what's so different cuz like you'll be one place you'll be some place I'll be and then we we see each other on Tuesday like yeah no time Head Pass and also there's I'm there guys by the way I'm there the whole time I'm working in the kitchen serving those chicken wings there's something so crazy about this moment cuz it's also like I've never felt more loved and accepted than I had in The Comedy Store i w I never felt like myself I never felt accepted I always felt like I was walking on eggshells I didn't know who I was you
it's so weird you feel that comfortable we hate you we don't like you whitne me oh my God it's caddy Daddy whitne it's so true I didn't think you liked me for the longest time oh we should finish that we finish that story yeah so I do the the roast battle Whitney's one of the judges and Whitney was like already pissed about something or well cuz everyone was attacking my shiny ass face and saying that I had plastic surgery you have new product coming out but I do I am launching a line of face oil isn't that so funny is that the perfect thing it's called My Shiny face my shiny ass [ __ ] face it's KY Jelly but um yeah you can also [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] my nose hole so she okay so Whitney was like she was like giving her assessment of my set or whatever and she's like she goes she goes I just feel like you need to smile more I was like I was like smile more I was like what is this the street like I was like and I was like in a hyper like fight mode and I was like smile more I was just like who streets of Albuquerque came out streets of [ __ ] Santa no Philly suburbs of Philly first but um so and then but Whitney you texted me like the next day you're like hey it's Whitney comings I'm sorry if I offended you or whatever I was like I was like at the mall I was like Whitney I was like can I take a break I was at working at Hot Topic and um I was like a famous person is texted to me um no but you texted me and it was like so sweet it like please don't cancel me please don't talk to a reporter no but it was very nice and then and then I like I just texted you back and I was like yeah I just whatever oh now and I went when you were when we were you were judging I went um I went Whitney I was molested I don't SM you're like we were all molested and then I was worried that I was like silencing her cuz she was like sorry Whitney I'm molested the text from you are so funny this is what I love about you one time we were talking in the back at the we were in The Green Room and and in the main room and you go we're were talking about rape or something and you go and you go you go you go I'm sorry I'm not listening to anything you're saying is my I'm just thinking about whether my face is shining I'm like it is you know the answer [ __ ] and then you text me the
next day or you called me and you're like I'm so sorry were you talking about being raped and I started talking about my face like you you come to a complete circle you always handle you're always working whatever step that is whatever step that is whatever [ __ ] that is you're always working it so no problems there but I accidentally I was like looking at the thing you had texted me and I said something I like I accidentally sent a voice memo to you talking [ __ ] on another female comedian like trashing a female comedian and it sent the voice like my finger hit and I was so embarrassed cuz it just was you sent it to me talking [ __ ] on another but you wouldn't have thought it was about you I said her name and everything but it was just like so crazy that I was then voice memoing you being like this [ __ ] [ __ ] and then um voice mems are odd cuz it's like I don't have voicemail like if you call me voicemail it just goes to [ __ ] you it just like goes into The Ether do you have voice fos it's a call back to the other night it's a call back to the other night tweet it anyway uh the but those voice memos that people send they're odd because you have to listen it's like if you send me a text I can go 8:30 got it well Spade always does the the voice I think it's cuz he doesn't want to put his readers on yeah well it's also when you send someone a voice memo and then you see that they kept it you're like why the [ __ ] did you keep that oh you could tell if someone keeps it yes it says uh kept or saved that was the cutest you one yes that was cute sexy listen experiment with it's kind of mission impossible that they disappear I like that they go away it's fun I think it's more Bond TR I will say though when you go I feel like our text chains like comedians text chains if they ever get out we're all going to get cancelled but they would be like we should all delete these there was one where we got so ridiculous too famous I'm like you guys we can't text Joe certain [ __ ] I feel like no I think he's gotten overly famous to the point where we can again he's come back around he's un cancelable he's gone past it now it's like yes cuz there are times where I like want to send something I'm like I don't know Joe's on this chain like I feel like he's just too famous for this you should see the [ __ ] sagora sends me
Jesus Christ so he'll I played it yesterday for Nikki Glazer it's this girl fisting herself but in the most Preposterous way where you're like what well is there a way that's not Preposterous oh no no this this is this is a different thing is fisting real oh I'll show you you can put your entire but you know what it is it's this that's right it's putting all your fingers together it's not like a it's not a punch Jamie you've been fisted tell us here you go I'm going to get reactions for this video wait hold on hold on hold your face hold on hold on oh my God it's me oh no this girl stole your act D she so my fitting Preposterous is the right word right well it's got to hurt why are you punching yourself she's like a br I don't think it is but a bruised ass cervix anything that's [ __ ] up like that Tom sigar will send it to it looks like the opposite of having a baby I know you guys s me the most [ __ ] up [ __ ] and I'm like I'm so going to jail for this but you're not I think that's legal I'm pretty sure that's legal no it's not you don't actually we have to be very clear you don't actually get things that could send you to jail you know but here's the thing we're kidding Florida has some wacky laws with that stuff that's why they prosecuted certain like pornographers because they decided that it was you know that's where they prosecuted the two Live Crew like it's like Broward County Florida like they go after people what is that there was one guy was a really famous case and it really opened up a lot of people's eyes in terms of pornography there was this guy who was like known to be like Ultra disgusting like the stuff that he did was like super abusive and like he would open up girls [ __ ] like with a speculum and then piss inside of them and like crazy it kind of sounds like it would feel good if I'm being real it's like is wrong depends on how much beer he had max hardcore yeah so that guy so he was found guilty on 20 counts of obscenity by Tampa Florida jury and so they they just they decide what's obscene and what's not obscene it's like they can make a distinction between regular pornography and what they decide is obscenity and violates the law so they put him in [ __ ] jail Jesus I'm like just I me so I don't know if there
was you see that's the thing it's like if you're doing that kind of [ __ ] like are you making people sign releases do they know that you're going to do that kind of sh are they going to arrest the girl that's punching her fist into a [ __ ] too which by the way I feel like she could get out of jail she could slide through she could like punch and then slide through the she would kill it in jail she be very F she'd be fine but you have to think like if you but then the other perspective is okay what if this is your 18-year-old daughter who gets off of a Greyhound bus and meets this guy and she has no idea what she's about to do and she thinks she's going to do just like a sex movie and this guy's pissing in her eyeballs and and and punching her in the face like there was all kinds of I don't know if he punched her but you know is that what the P tapes are going to be do you think the P tapes are real I just who cares have you ever had a guy Tred to PE on you no but I had I had like one guy that I was like it was like the guy that we weren't we were just going to like do the thing that we' never done and we just end up not liking each other so we didn't bang again but I was like I would let you pee on me do the things you've never done what like kiss on the mouth yeah make eye contact we said he said I love you into my face he like tell the truth program each other's numbers into our phones oh my God I had a guy PM me once he was like really wanted to PM me and I was like fine and I started dying laughing were you guys in the bathroom or in the bed it was in the shower okay I've been pee people yeah of course that's funny though but he was trying to like get on my it was like supposed to be sexual it was like supposed to be sexual and I but then the sheen from your face just slicked it off he was like R Ricochet ricocheted back on him he was blinded by the mirror that is my forehead like you know how when water gets on Vaseline it just beads up I damaged his retina from my lued up face and as soon as it started I could not stop laughing and I ruin the moment ridiculous ruin the moment you made the moment that's the only thing good about that moment was you laughing at ruining that he's pissing in your face so funny just the fact that he wants to do it like the the best way out is you making
fun of him and I can't tell if guys are doing it because they've seen it in porn or they're actually into it I don't I I it's got to be like a pheromone thing or something so why do they want to pee on us don't they want us to pee on coming on the face guys really want to I think it's like a humiliation thing they want to degrade you I think they want you to like it interesting they want you to want them to do like you're so over the top crazy sexual that you I think that's why it exists in porn I the humiliation thing maybe sometimes maybe sometimes but I think not always I don't think it's just that I think it's like a wow hate it I don't hate it but then like once it happens you're like this is like here's my thing if you're going to come on my face you better not miss you better don't my hair do not make me wash my hair no you better not embarrass yourself I don't want to have to Bob and weave to catch like you better have like a dog with a treat I'm I'm Marshall all of a sudden it's just weird when it's like not enough and it's disappointing and I have to pretend like it's more than people definitely dudes definitely jizz and have their dogs catch it that's now that's that is gross just I just thought it and I know it's got to be for sure somebody somebody's done that it's got to be isn't that funny that like this the amount of load is important well I used to the same person that told me you can't recognize yourself on the street uh it's David bla by the way it was a magic trick no but I used to hear these women um uh there was like a show on VH1 these like rock stars wives who would always make their uh husbands who were like touring on the road come outside of them when they first came home to make sure they weren't cheating cuz they thought they they wanted to see how much how much come they had but that's not how it works that science that's hilarious I like that that's not science I always think you should leave if you want to see how much your husband jerks off you should always leave the the build-a tan lotion like put it in the lotion bottle and you can see like how dark it is those are rookies oil lotion you don't need if you really need that then you stem cells and [ __ ] I'm sure you have some sort of yeah but I mean there's jerking off when it's
a compulsion you need Lubes and you need to stick a vibrator up your ass and there's jerking off cuz you're actually horny I didn't know about this vibrator up the ass thing well you don't go on I a taser use the taser you taser my [ __ ] right when you're about to go just imagine if that cuz you know they do that to mules actually what yeah when they when they want to extract sperm from them they actually stick a cattle prod up their [ __ ] and they just shoot oh my gosh and I know that because of job that's someone's job no because of Fear Factor we made people drink Donkey Kong did you ever drink the bad stuff did you ever taste it I didn't drink that but I ate a bunch of things I ate a cockroach a Madagascar giant hissing cockroach I ate um tomato popped in your mouth oh destroyed it it just was all chewy did it taste good at all no but it didn't taste bad it's just your it's a mind [ __ ] yeah it's a mind [ __ ] it's not it doesn't taste bad it's almost like tast less the no big deal legs are what get me yeah but it's basically a lobster like a lobster is a bug oh yeah it's not much different it really isn't it's all just in your head logical CU we think of cockroaches I cooked a lobster the other day and I felt so bad I was like holding it I was trying to take a picture and I dropped it and then when I picked it up it was foaming and like [ __ ] and pissing I like murdered it this is how Fear Factor got cancelled they had to drink uh either they had play horseshoes and either they drunk a giant glass of donkey [ __ ] or a dying glass of donkey piss it's interesting like all the men wanted to drink the donkey piss the girls wanted to drink the [ __ ] they actually thought it was easier it goes right down I know but I thought it was stunning protein like these girls were drinking giant beer Steines of I'm going to puke the belly button rings are so funny I had to talk them into it so I I'm talking them through this while they're doing it this this is where and this is what got the show canceled this twins these guys TNS but where the ratings banana no they never made it onto air cuz TMZ got a hold of this and TMZ posted like someone from the I told this is the only time there's two times where I told them don't do it the people that were running
the show one time was they were bull riding and they were like don't worry it's stunt Bulls I go that bull does not know it's stunt bull that's a [ __ ] bull man I saw the animal like that these people got on and one of them was a girl who was with like she was like 95 lbs and that [ __ ] bull launched her through the air like she didn't exist like like a pillow and sucks that I'm mad at her for being 95 lb I'm like I'm glad she got hurt the the heel of the bull as he's kicking the the hoof barely missed her head Jes barely like this like wow just like within a foot of her head like if it kicked her in the head who the [ __ ] knows it would have happened so this is one where I told these people like do not [ __ ] do this no it's crazy is this the girl look at that see that thing see see how close that came to her head she was really hurt she [ __ ] up her back that look bad she didn't land well she landed really badly I mean but the ho Mis it's the back of the ham is what slapped into her luckily I don't think that hurt her nearly as bad as the hoof would have hurt her I cracked my elf for falling off a horse just like that that was just that was honestly rolling the dice she was tough as [ __ ] she got out and she was okay she looks thin yeah she's a tiny girl she to eat a sandwich I bet you she's fat tough to just doesn't last forever [ __ ] how dare you she's very pretty I hope she's very spelled dude is Fear Factor was like the beginning of the internet it was like you know what I mean like it was such a it was the first time like it was the it was like TV never could come back from it like nothing could compete with it after that except the Internet it was like that was as far as they could take it and it they took it too far that was NBC that was where as far as they could take it donkey come I I remember walking into the office going what are you talking about and they're going this is what they're going to do they're going to play horses shoes I go is there a way that they can get out of drinking it totally if like they get a like if they land what is it horseshoe when you get a shoe what is it what is it when you hit the thing Anya I'm like is it possible if they get the if they Ring Around The Horseshoe if that one definitely not called ring
around the window it's 100% is it possible that they could drink nothing and they said no yeah then you have to only drink like 8 ounces I'm like this is crazy it is it's like a it's a beastiality rape situation where you're forcing them to swallow the sexual it's also wild amount of [ __ ] a wild amount well isn't it funny that people keep getting canceled for like doing black face and [ __ ] but the Network signed off on it you're like why why is it the person's fault it's like the network should be on SNL it's like you know how many people have to sign off on that to make it happen like 200 people said sure if you're around a bunch of crazy [ __ ] like the comics at the store and then one person says I think you can do it you're like we can do it we are not the [ __ ] people to be talking to about that but even then I was telling them not to do it I was like don't do this listen to me when I'm the voice of reason we're [ __ ] like this Show's [ __ ] you can't have me telling you you're going too far and they're like I think you're wrong I think this is fine I go it's come did they go to you this is all mental it's all mental no they didn't they were laughing hilarious oh yeah afterwards I saw so many people puke like a stunning amount of people puke is it true that there's contagious puking where if you see one person puke you automatically puke yeah for sure yeah I used to get it really Fear Factor cured me of it whoa yeah when I was in high school if a kid puked in the hallway I just I would start puking what is that um it's because there's something wrong like maybe even bad food and you're with that person so maybe you ate that bad food too and your body is like oh you smell it let's just let's not take any risks let's just throw this [ __ ] up survival Instinct it was actually explained to me by someone who knows what and they said that's exactly it is like your body's trying to purge it because it's like oh this person's throwing up there could be a bad bug or you know I could have eaten some bad food and you just BL you just want to throw up too have you ever been thrown up on yeah yeah people have hit me like hit my feet and [ __ ] Fear Factor I I saw who knows how many people throw up I puked on the whole cast of The Real
World Road Rules challenge in Santa Fe once I got so hammered do you remember when they used to do that they would like have all the old alumni come were you on that show no I was living in I was a Gog go dancer in Santa Fe and I that's not stripping by the way and I but the I loved the show so I couldn't believe all the people coming into town I was like it's such a small town so I was like holy [ __ ] like we had a lot of celebrities like Sam Shepard and like all these people but I was like [ __ ] that I want to hang out with the road so I was so excited but I got the flu so instead of not going out I just chugged DayQuil and then I was drinking like white Russians cuz I was like 20 you know so I puked like this Milky orange [ __ ] all over them and it just happened to be a day that they weren't filming oh no I you PUK on them I puked all over them and I'm like why was this not being filmed it could have been my first TV credit oh [ __ ] and then I was thinking about it I it was funny because later in that week I was at um a bar and all the the people were there but the producers and stuff and the producers were like so what's your story and I realized they were like this crazy [ __ ] has got to be on the real world like they probably were like this she's good television yeah they're like we'll get this puked on the [ __ ] C she's our new Puck remember oh my God Puck is he dead aren't they all I feel like all the people died well there was like one guy had AIDS in the beginning the first one they become famous and then you're just cast out into the world with no Talent first reality stars too I remember um one time a friend of mine was at a restaurant and South Carolina and one of the famous girls from The Real World was a waitress at one of the restaurants and took a picture sent it to me and I was like of course they didn't pay them anything but they were famous and broke but I remember there was a place that John and Kate Plus 8 the John guy he was working at like a regular job yeah and people wouldn't leave him alone like you know I'm sure now he's okay but I remember I was in Hawaii once with my family and we went to this ice cream place and they were like John and Kate were just here like they serving scooping the scooping the ice cream this is back when it was a show like when it
was on television and it's it's it's a weird kind of Fame you know because they were really famous and now they're not it just stopped when people you a little bit have it too I think cuz we're ourselves on stage we're not none of us are really that much of characters I would say but yeah but with the Impractical Jokers when I hang out with s from Impractical people come up and they think they know him because of his personal they they'll be like s like deck him I'm like Jesus Christ we're just at the movies like chill oh no that's I mean that's how died right so um but yeah I get that a lot too when I was doing the rose for sure people come up to me like hey [ __ ] and I be like Jesus it's far it's a lot it's like 2:30 at the airport I panicked when I met famous people and put my foot in my mouth and seemed like a [ __ ] wait did I tell you what I did after I did your show we talked about Survivor and I ran into Jeff propes Survivor is my favorite show and every time I'm on your show I will tell the millions of people to keep watching Survivor it's number one you should do a show called sexual assault Survivor sexual assult Jesus Bond trauma bonding also I was molested um but so no but I ran into him at a coffee bean and he's my guy he's the person I freak out about and I know that's like nerdy but I love the show so much hilarious that's where I met him he likes I met him at Coffee Bean oh really yeah I Dro name dropped you so [ __ ] fast cuz I was being such a psycho that I needed him to know that I had some sort of stake in Hollywood I was like I'm a comic Star right my name's on the wall I just talked about you on Joe Rogan's podcast and he goes I love Joe he's like come on the show and I was like I'm a psycho I can't I was like I can he like everyone's a psycho and I was like no if you won what if you made a million dollars on I can't show my feet oh that's right they'd have to pixel it i' I'll feet no no no I just have a bit where I don't show my feet and I just can't end it for you never seen her Instagram yeah all of the pictures oh my God when he muted me listen on Instagram like even the picture that she took when she was on the show the first time is her feet pixelated she's got her foot up in the air it's pixelated and now it's just
like a bit it's just like a now forever my feet are so ugly but for some reason I think it's like my first Google search is Whitney cumming's feet yeah they want that's every girl that's ever lived it's not face it's not face it's not body it's not comedy oh the freaks online the really like dark in the basement freaks are the ones that are in the feet and what's the deal with someone was saying that it was something about like cuz babies they crawl around and their mom their moms are Barefoot what I know of it which I don't I'm who knows but it is it's like the they a guy was doing a phantom limb study and he said that when he was checking the brain that the neurop pathways that go from your brain to your feet are next to the ones that go to your genitals so he thinks that that would got mixed in some people oh interesting oh thought it was something about see as a kid you see your mom's feet so much when you're so tiny and you you guys really are bang your moms it's really weird it's Freud it's so kind of exhaust interesting thing about the book talking about Freud and the the cocaine thing with Freud that people back then when Freud was doing coke they didn't think that addiction was for intellectuals they thought brilliant people couldn't get addicted in hilarious like literally he thought he could take Coke with abandoned and he'd be fine because that's a mental weakness and he would never have a mental weakness you know what I think about a lot though all the people like Bukowski all the people that are like brilliant you like you look back they were so [ __ ] up and I always struggle with that where I'm like Picasso all those guys were awful I watched The Master Class of David Lynch and he was like I go outside I can't go to David Lynch but he goes he's like I go outside when I write my best writing is done when I do I have a legal notepad I go outside I drink wine and I smoke cigarettes and I was like so close to smoking cigarettes again I got nicotine toothpicks because I was like maybe I'll be brilliant like David Lynch if I smoke cigarettes but it's like do we need that I don't know I I do I do think there's a certain like ability to risk and be self-destructive like I'll smoke cigarettes sometimes and I'm like [ __ ] it like [ __ ] it you do need a [ __ ] it mentality to take risks
on stage and to stay out till 2: in the morning and to you know jeopardize yourself and relationship there's value in booze there's value in pot there's value in mushrooms there's value in those things but it's they it's not necessarily the whole thing like I think people can write brilliant [ __ ] and be Stone Cold Sober it's just it's a focus thing like you can talk your mind into psychedelic States I mean that's AB holotropic breathing and meditation you know that I do breath work all the time I do I've been treating this quarantine like because these are my eay love years no it's my eay love years like I should be in India [ __ ] a sherpa I should not be trapped in my so I do breath work every sh are in the Himalayas oh my God you always do this to me sorry we get it you read the articles I read the headline I just want to save you from being canceled Nepal is not India Andy gets her news from infow Wars I just I just read your Instagram and then I'm like I'm smart I know Jeff propes and Joe Rogan Jeff probes wanted me on the show but I'm not ready for it yes wait let's do it you want to do it together no I'm saying to you I'm doing you I was doing you like Jeff Pro me on the show you should do it don't they have like couple Survivor or like friend Survivor we could do it together you would do it together we would be voted off we are so annoying do you fast they would vot us off but that it's the good thing more annoying the more I do think comedians we do have like grit like I do think we could win oh yeah you know I mean you two [ __ ] psychos could win I feel like we do have like a certain level of grit and exoskeleton it's about manipulation I mean that's it's about like being a pathological liar well it's also about you're not a liar I don't you guys are both listen anybody who's a comic has had some damage when you're young and then you see vulnerabilities in people you see things to complain about like you would find their weaknesses you two are both Predators you would see where they're [ __ ] up and you're like huh look at well that's what you had to do in a [ __ ] up home you had to learn how to begu and manipulate and charm people and you know that's I like how our trauma landed on differently and you know what
begy means I'm like what's B no [ __ ] no [ __ ] seriously you guys should 100% have a show together you guys would like you know there's like guys we [ __ ] and call her daddy there's all these couple girls you guys would dominate that [ __ ] the two of you would [ __ ] dominate that [ __ ] the two of you together would have the number one podcast on planet Earth 100% should we try to Eclipse Joe Rogan I'm not buting you 100% could do it you would get all the girls all of them all of them you know I don't even get I lot of I get lots of girls you're you're both like badass chicks but you're not you even though you have been victims you're not victims you talk honest your Comics you're both nice feet your tits are really incredible both but you're both legit Comics like you two together like that would be a [ __ ] monster combination and I'll help you I'm busy I'll help you also promot it I'll do whatever the [ __ ] you want I'll put you guys on the show I think you should do it we also by the way because I just started my podcast you have your podcast like I now have time for another one you know that's what I'm talking about now that I've done the podcast enough I sort of like I know we can do it from this studio we have you could do it that was our plan we had some plans cuz here's the thing that that I love we have to figure out how to get somebody to watch you like Hawks yeah you you have seal guys have to keep the Navy SEAL guys on staff don't bring the reason I love Annie so much and our relationship so much is that I feel like I don't see people disagree anymore no one will tolerate anyone that disagrees with them in any way people just want to align with people that and it's like a [ __ ] Echo chamber like circle jerk of like we agree we agree we're like Annie and I can disagree and [ __ ] with each other and we still respect each other and love each other and have different points of view and I why and I Ari and I disagree about 80% of the things on earth we're always he's like shut up you know you [ __ ] idiot and then like we go back and forth like I don't want to be seeing your balls right now please put them away you're weird saggy sck it is with most friends you're supposed to be like that like if you're married to your
ideas to the point where they're your identity and you you can't well not only that like your ideas an idea is not first of all it's just an idea it's not even yours it's just an idea and if someone doesn't agree with it why is it personal but it is it is for most of us most of the time it's taken me for forever to try to beat that down I haven't I I don't have it totally beaten down but I have it to the point where I recognize oh I'm attached to this let's just look at it for what it is it's not me I'm not this idea but so many people like and this is what we're seeing with politics in the the biggest way possible it's insane it's this is not the Democratic party is you like you have to win you know what I mean it's not just these ideas it's not just a an election people fighting over the masks too they've politicized it they've made it like this part of their identity they're like their masks on their Avatar [ __ ] yeah yeah is that how you look back also I get annoyed when I cuz I'll do live streams and stuff from my car not when I'm driving but I'll have my mask on everyone be like why are you I'm like I don't The Mask means so little to me it means so much to other people it means so I don't notice that it's on right I didn't remember your nose is really big I say I going to say see is so good that nose is small it's more flattened so it touches my face more yeah cuz you got beat up I'm sorry I'm so cool and pretty nobody wants to punch me in the face I want to do a joke that I I couldn't do I was going to maybe do it on a talk show but about remember when the prison inmates were being released yeah for and uh I want to do something about uh the like imagine the warden giving that speech of like telling the prison inmates that they were about to be released and like hey guys couple things changed uh you now have to wear masks at all times cover your faces at all times and the police have been defunded go see you in a couple weeks how about the one guy who got released the one guy who got released and then murdered the woman who accused him of rape um yeah immediately got released I don't even know it's cuz he got a mask just that's what he was to do if he got out and I don't know if he raped her I don't know what really happened but he definitely murdered
her allegedly he was claiming that it was a false accusation and he got out of jail and murdered her terrifying they're they're releasing violent criminals it's not just it's not just like people in jail for for get to wear and they get to wear masks all day I mean you look at these ring cameras these security cameras and I'm like well everyone's in a mask so how insane but I do I was thinking like with the Looting like we couldn't have like they know enough of don't you recognize people and you see their eyes I see people M and I go it's weird how much I can recognize someone just from this part of their face so I was always like it would be so embarrassing to get caught L like I'm like walking with an Apple Watch and they're like is that Butler Jake Paul got caught Jake Paul got caught on a camera he didn't have Mas was it his camera he vlogged it no did he really this is it was his brother I think was that dude is so wild did you see the uh the mayor shut down that Tik tock house that wouldn't stop partying did they definitely shut it down they but did they pull the electric P the electricity yeah that is a weird thing to do look I'm not saying that they shouldn't tell these people they shouldn't have parties and spread it all over the place because they definitely are spreading it like um uh Dr malcin one of the guys that treated us treated more than a hundred people that went to that party and I think somewhere in the neighborhood of almost half of them had Co Jesus like these people are going to these giant parties and there's sick people at the party and you're drinking and you're 20 and you don't know what the [ __ ] you're doing Sharon yeah 24 years old going back to like your families and stuff ex Grandpa dies Grandma I want my dad's 79 I want to see my dad so badly is in Philly but he's he doesn't want to see you though no but honestly like he's so he really is Whitney it's so sad like he's like nope and I was like no but what if I camped I was like I'll drive out I'll Camp I'll like I'll get tested before or whatever and he was like he's like no he's like cuz he's just so he just doesn't want to he doesn't want it and I'm so happy he's like that but I'm like but Dad can I hang out with you our podcast wouldn't
be called your daddy be we called our daddies they didn't pick up daddies aren't answering daddy didn't do a good job dad didn't do a good job Daddy won't return our calls you imagine if you had a podcast called daddy didn't do a good job I love my dad so much but it is he's like he's like well bring me up today my dad goes bring me up today I go are you sure you want me to goes oh well maybe not I mean I honestly I'm now at a point where I'm so grateful at all the mistakes my parents made because it's made me like I am equipped to in so many ways that so many of my friendss that had good childhoods aren't and I can just like sort [ __ ] out like adversity was so good for me how boring what a comfortable life the most the most [ __ ] up people I know have married parents they have all these [ __ ] up expectations going through Mar [ __ ] was bad when I was a kid they're now I was looking at like this like now even though everything was [ __ ] up and I possibly could have been sold into sex uh you get really CL at some point yeah I was very close you wouldn't go for that story about you hiding under the car like holy [ __ ] that's like one of the good one that's a baby one I went I went to high school my high school literally they all [ __ ] us like all the teachers it just came out another teacher got caught with Kitty porn it was a school with my graduate class was 17 kids like there were seven teacher like come on my Drama teacher gave one of the students AIDS I found that out later wow you this is Bond tra Bond right now tra B maybe that's what you guys call it TR B dude that's actually [ __ ] for aast trauma Bond trauma Bond let me finish so I don't but I but with my parents I always think like they they're good now like why who cares about the past like they're so loving and sweet and awesome that it's like people make mistakes exactly they the best they can with the tools they had my mom had me when she was 21 she didn't know what the [ __ ] she was doing there no way she done a job gave her shots there's no way you're going to do a good job as a parent when you're 21 I mean it's just so hard what's your dad's hitch uh I don't know my Dad yeah he didn't come out of the Woodworks when it was like I haven't spoken to him since I
was 7 years old does he know you're you yeah I have the same name as him yeah he's Joe Rogan you're a junior no I have a middle name he hasn't reached out to try to get n a cut of all this no I think he's not smart you got your smarts from your mom I guess um think he's alive oh yeah he's alive wow yeah yeah my mom's smart that's my mom's family is very smart very very intense people yeah yeah I can tell what's your lineage mostly Italian oh little bit of Irish my yeah my uh biological dad's father was from Ireland everybody's from Europe everybody was uh all my my parents on both sides all the family was all first generation immigrants do you like Ireland I've never been no that's not true I've been to uh Dublin for UFC and I was in Belfast I was in Northern Ireland as well for UFC Ireland think I've been there three times do you feel like it seems like you feel more of a calling to Italy well that's the family I knew right you know I'm I'm certainly some sort of a European mut with Italian and and there's some African I got some African in there and some little small amount of Asian we heard you at a little African we heard you I don't know what that means but I am shocked we haven't gotten canceled yet happen but that's it's it's real like mostly uh Italian and Irish but if you look at some people like uh like wasn't Conan O'Brian they found he was like 100% Irish they've never seen anything like this like you're the most could that really makes sense it's interesting when you find out like where your ancestors came from like there I have 1% Asian and I'm like where is that like where where' that come from the eyes are very that's just getting old yeah Jenis Khan had that guy [ __ ] so many people he had some Preposterous amount of DNA in as like 20% of people are descendants of his or something something wacky like that Insanity have you ever seen or read listen listened rather to Dan Carlin's Hardcore History yes aming and he had a series called the wrath of the on and it [ __ ] blew me away the guy killed 10% of the population of the planet Earth while he was alive he's killing more people than Co they translate to 0.5% of the male population of the world or roughly 16
million descendants living today and how many of those descendants have [ __ ] each other nearly 8% of the men living in the region of the former Mongol Emperor carry the buy chromosomes that are nearly identical to him that means he 8% of the [ __ ] people today that live in that region have his jeans that's how many people that guy fought that is banana they should have done that on Fear Factor you have to swallow his [ __ ] this is really old it's like kimchi they buried the ground in a clay jar I wonder if because my ancestry is uh Scotch Irish came through West Virginia coal miners and there were a lot of Italian coal miners actually yeah well people did what they had maybe guys are cousins that's the thing about like our world today it's we the jobs that are that suck today you know they they still suck like there still are people that coal mine but it's not what most people are doing when they come over it's the the the whole scratching claw that the immigrants had like that my uh grandparents had those people that came here like straight off the boat like that is a that's why New Jersey and New York is so hostile The Echoes of those people because Joey was coming back like oh no we're going to get kidnapped that like ancestral trauma yeah and then that's always had this bit about California that everybody like got as far as they could and went [ __ ] I don't want to live in Hawaii so they just stayed right here it's like they're trying to get away from everything that was on the East Coast there's something so specific about the personality type here there's something just [ __ ] in the DNA of this area well people want attention they want attention really really badly and if they don't get it they think someone's doing them wrong so true it's a very sensitive uh uh culture and I mean I guess it's a lot of people that come out here to pretend for a living very emotional people well a lot of that and you you're coming out here even if it's not to pretend you're coming out here to get famous well I just feel like if you do get famous like a certain type of famous you've now come into this club where they're like all right you're not going to you're no longer going to be exactly who you are and especially with actors I feel like
your job is to play someone else they go you're not going to have any personal opinions you're going to keep our secrets you we going to like get these kids adrenaline up we're going to take their blood and we're going to whatever they do was that but you know what it does feel like you are agreeing to be a part of they go all right we're going to let you in but you have to not yeah you have embarrass us like you have to keep it yeah that's really interesting and and it's interesting because I'm seeing so many actors now that are like becoming activists and I'm like is that just because you played a doctor on TV you think you can now be a doctor they not getting any attention the attention's dried up there's no sets you can't go to the set so there's no movies there's no what do they and they these black and white videos about how they're going to take responsibility and they're not going to allow fake I'm going to act like I care about this I'm going to act like I it's so prepared it's so like so gross guess that's what they do I know I'm seeing all these celebrities pose with Camala Harris I'm like you know that's going to do the opposite of what you think it's going to make America hate her it's going to make America realize that the con is on you're a part of it well I just remember with Hillary everyone's like vote for Hillary you're an idiot it's like you're you're making me want to vot for Trump yeah you know what Joey told me about you that I forgot to ask you last time I was here what did you have piranhas at some point yes what was that I uh I'm a problem that's how you are yeah I used to well I'll do you one better at one point in time I I had a outdoor Courtyard at my house and I was seriously considering glassing it in and getting some uh crocodile monitors and feeding them rabbits I had this whole plan and I talked to an architect and I I said just mooved to Florida I was I was going to Glass in like this terrarium in the middle of my house and I was going to put tropical plants in there and like have sprinklers so it sprays water and and keeps them in a good healthy environment and I was going to let Wild Kingdom take place in my backyard but they told me there's a real
problem with the the rotting of the the the the carcasses like if you feed rabbits to these things they they [ __ ] and then you got to clean it up and you can't really go in there so you'd have to hire someone to come in and like rustle the [ __ ] monitors because they're big have you ever seen a crocodile monitor it's a terrifying looking creature wow I had this idea I thought it was like a monitor to watch the COC it's a very large scary lizard and this is because I had the piranhas and I would buy please stop talking about Tim Dylan that's not nice so you had like a piranha guy who was like crocodile for but that's not a real good picture of them that's it that's it right there that one the yellow one in the middle yeah yeah and they get [ __ ] big they get big like 6 feet long and they can kill you I mean it's not going to be a fun wrestle take they'll take a bite out of your C they're going to clamp down on I went to runion one day and there was this guy with like a it was a smaller one like this big and it was yellow I don't know what is maybe one of the little dragon look at that lady that's holding that one on the top I was playing with it like that and then I someone was like I saw later at the comedy store was like you know that those could bite your face off they and they they do bite people take your nose off like you can't predict what a large lizard is going to decide [ __ ] cool though that looks like a T-Rex eye look at that looks like a dinosaur it's a goddamn Raptor he's gripping you like Mike binder did during Annie I don't know when I became like the person that you touch when you want to say something offensive it was one of the funni things I've ever seen it's like I'm safe don't suck me into this you [ __ ] up and mooved seats what's that you [ __ ] up and moved seats and then you were the closest one I don't know well well I thought Rogan should be in the middle you guys should have a Tik Tok house together have Garcetti come and shut your house down we have no we just do it without electricity we're like [ __ ] this we're going to live without electricity where you guys were like Whitney like you could do that you could have a Tik Tok house dude I would
[ __ ] do that I've kind of been doing this the you can have her rent to I've kind of been doing that in the quarantine i' sort of been like like Tim Dylan's been staying with me uh Esther I make Annie come over I just like I want to start like a coven of comics well I mean like we're saying like that's what we missed the most is hanging out we wanted to be a Harum I we're all trying to finger you with thank you I can't speak for Esther but I can just don't pee on me and we're good um I I do I started a podcast in my house I have a podcast Studio we could do it out of my podcast studio in my house I have a podcast Studio it is my goal to make Annie Rich As [ __ ] and just watch you go completely insane I love it like you are going to be I think she'll handle it you think she'll be okay being rich yep yeah I think so I feel like you're going to give it all to like your ex-boyfriends anyway you're going to stay I've actually stopped doing that I actually stopped paying for my I've gone broke Rogan you were this was when you used to give me $100 bills we're in the we were in the parking lot and I go I'm standing next to Rogan right and I'm like we're friends we do the same thing obviously he's been doing it longer than me and everything but we do the same thing like we're parked in the same parking lot I go ran can you teach me how to be rich because I live in that car and you that's like one of your 60 cars or something and you started laughing in my face you went you pulled out go this means nothing to me and you handed me $300 bills I I tried to do I tried to give you money once but I thought it would weird out a relationship well you I gave her money every time I saw her he would like slap me high five but then it got weird cuz I thought you thought I was showing up to get money from you no do you remember when you said well I was worried you were going to think that oh no I never thought that it was fun it was a fun little gag you this the funniest bit ever um we should do it more like a million but it gets funnier the more money it is but you um you told me too you were like if I handle the people that are cuz I love watching you get attacked by fans like it's one of my f when they approach cuz I see them getting nervous you can see them too probably from fighting so uncomfortable
and I see them coming and I watch you you're being cool you're being cool and you're very nice you're fan friendly but they're just having such a moment they can't like Get over themselves they're like freaking out so I always like why I told you that you go I'll pay you $100 to get people away that you know I want to get away but then I started body checking people and you're like that's my friend and I was like oh [ __ ] ran I'm hungry I'm hungry like boom elbowing brand sh in the face dude when someone comes up to Rogan like you see them circling like a [ __ ] Barracuda you're talking to Rogan you see just people circling for some reason they always want to show you a video no they have or they they're unfolding a paper they're they always have something queued up for you to watch like yo I got to show you something and and but you handle it really well you do it without hurting their feelings somehow I try you do this mind trick where you're like no thanks man like you make them I try to be very nice but it's an odd thing like and but like I said it was it's odd when I meet like when I met Bourdain one of the first thing I said is uh my wife says you're my boyfriend that's like the first thing I said oh that's so funny she's like you going to meet your boyfriend she thought it was she thinks it's she's being funny and I said it to him and he's like what I'm like oh you're not a comic you're a guy with a thumb ring he's so sexy dude dude I'm tell he a great great guy he's so fun to hang around with I really enjoy did you read that article I sent you that the girl leam mcweeney wrote I started and I was like oh was it the was it upsetting yeah yeah about what about bouran she was just talking about like the toxic was it before he had died or was it after he died she wrote she was she was writing about toxic femininity during the me too movement which was like a breath of fresh air like thank you and but she was talking about aenta and um Rose mcgallen and the stuff with Anthony Bourdain and like how [ __ ] up it was but she just she's really she's cool she's on the New York Housewives now for some I know her yeah yeah yeah it's very Rand and it was sort of about him and how yeah but it was it's I'll s it to
it's a it's a really good article okay there's toxic people yes you know that's what the problem is if you get into this whole believe all women thing or believe all men thing or believe all trans people believe all anybody you're you're going to run into people that are juking the system you're going to run into toxic people and the people that say believe all this person are the same people people it's also the same people that go You Can't generalize about all people and it's like well which is it well that's they're trying to rope you into complicity you have to comply and if they're saying believe all anything you must comply that's what they're doing they're they're playing a game with you and it's not a rational one it's not of I've thought this through and this is the best way as a sensitive nuanced person we should approach this we should look at it with an open mind they're not saying that saying believe all anything believe disrespectful to like real victims it's it's like I always hated the hashtag I always would joke I go I go the me too movement the hashtag bother me because it's like here's like I had a girl who I got in a fight with who her argument was she goes you don't understand what the me too movement was I'm the only one in this group of girlfriends that has actually had actual assault happen you know and sat in court and stuff and like really handled mying we get it guys want assult you so hot I've been hot since I was little I know a rocket diaper they're willing to break the law to touch you we got it but I did do the right thing you know and it's like so it was like I do think I am going I have a good perspective on this stuff and I and my and she goes that's not what we're fighting for the me too movement is about why when I go to the comedy club did the male Comics kiss me on the cheek and not the other guys and I'm like what so that's this this is what I said this is this part of the hatch tag and then it's like real rapes or no wait this is real rapes and then this is like that part right and then they're like trying to go like give me some of that sweet real rape I want some of that real rape give me some of that attention Jes trying to get the like you can't group it all together it's not the same grou not you know that a comic not
kissing his friends on the cheek but kissing you use your words tell the tell the person you don't want them to kiss you on the cheek it's not the same as getting like M we all know some people we can hug each other we hug each other but there's some people I don't hug I don't know them that well I don't hug them but if I hug you it's cuz I love you that's why I'm hugging you but it's all it's everything's context it's like it's like I've never felt weird around Joe Rogan hugs cool then someone holds on too long like like yikes or they squeeze your back or something or put on your lower back or touch your neck or something oh my God there's this one girl at The Comedy Store I don't want to say any distinguishing features cuz I don't want you to I don't want to I don't like being you can't right now you can't like just say a little shitty thing someone did because they'll like be cancelled but here's what I'll say it's like calling the cops on a black you can't do it anymore like they're going to get they're going to get they're going to get killed like I can't be like oh it was so funny when that one comic grabbed my you know like you can't say anything but I but I mean it's interesting because it's like when I do I always add context and go like you don't get to decide what my experience with that person was if someone smacked my ass and I thought it was funny I get to decide that to decide how it affected me you know this like self-righteous indignation and this like forcing me to have the experience you want me to have just so we can get in some adrenaline junky like Twitter fight like you don't get to decide how it affected me you know so it's like women use your voices and speak up but if you say something I don't like so you get blow back you get blowback cuz you're like slowing the progress of outrage you like hit the breakes on outrage cuz you're like I'm not outraged like well you should be outraged we we could use you you could be a part of the outrage puddle I'm outraged about a lot of things you know but I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm outraged about things that I'm not outraged about that's the thing you're allowed to have your own interpretation of any experience like if if you have a bunch of friends and all of you run up and smack each other in the ass when you
see each other that's the thing you you guys have decided is okay and if you stop liking it go I don't like that anymore right and if someone does it and then you say they don't like it they should apologize and they should never do it again and you said I'm sorry I thought we were doing that I I'm so sad that like apologies don't work anymore I'm actually doing I'm doing like a limited series podcast with Bonnie McFarland about it called cancel us next Tuesday son so it's cuns but um which by the way please be on it but we're canceling different things each time like I want you to do the cancel romance cuz everything's like molesting in Romance now I was dating a guy who was 30 and he asked every he said can I take off your bra can I kiss you and I just like I don't know can you can you [ __ ] like like I think I'm too old to even understand this new DN like a teacher when when you're like can I go to the bathroom they're like you mean may I yeah at least say it right but yeah no it's really weird I think like the new sex sound instead of like slurping and suctioning is going to be is going to be two body cameras just like clinking against each other cuz we all need to record on both sides what the [ __ ] going on you have to set up a camera in the room it's all you have you have to illegally film people pretty much everyone has to do porn you have to do like listen next time I punch my cervix with my own hand there will be everywhere that was her sternum I was in I was in Houston like a year and a half ago when I was running like a new hour that a lot of it was about the me too stuff you know trying to keep it in context like a lot of this stuff shouldn't be reduced to a tweet or a [ __ ] opet or whatever so I was trying to really like uh dimensionalize it and I'm in Houston and I go on stage and I'm I'm I'm sort of like taking arguing both sides which is what Comics we're we play Devil's Advocate and I said something about like a guy that had smacked my ass in work or something and I was like yeah that shouldn't have happened that was sort of my take on it and this woman in the front row just went girl take the compliment and move on and I remember just being like people have different takes on this a little bit Tri like okay so I was I've been walking trying to
walk five miles a day just thinking and going through [ __ ] and coming up with ideas and I was walking with like my fanny pack I'm sweating I look like [ __ ] you guys see like the crazy sunglasses I wear like the least hot thing in the world and I get this beep from this like beat up Corola you know from like the 80s and this guy like rolls up and he's just start he's just whacking his dick and it's like like it's like barely hard stop bragging on this podcast but I'm saying I still you're hot we get it even when I'm ugly I'm hot no help themselves I I had so many a range of emotions because then he had like a baby seat in the back and I was like what's going on here but then like so I was just thinking I was like I went through this range of emotions and then I was like you know one day I will miss this I do think for real I'll be like news there's a lot of guys who do that to old ladies too oh my God thank you no but also be hot forever there are times guys have done something like that like grab me in a way that ostensibly seems really weird and it hasn't made me feel uncomfortable there are times someone will come to the comic store say absolutely nothing look at me a certain way and I'm like something's off about that [ __ ] guy you're banned you know you're off the wall you're allowed to have that and guys are allowed to have that too like there's some women that you you're be around them you're like I got to get the [ __ ] away from this about this person yeah or they'll grab you or how about Bill bur bit that he had in his last special paper tiger about a comic who's a very prominent feminist comic who slapped him in the dick cuz he was going on to the stage they were swapping positions and he was going on the stage and she was coming off and she slaps his dick and there all these there are so many I'm trying to like really for my next special work on like the way that we're sexist towards men because it's just no one talks about that I had that your um Andrew huberman on my podcast the other day brilliant neuroscientist who's like working on this thing for your eyes and all the stuff and he comes on and like he's on my podcast and I'm like God you're so hot you're hot and I realized it's this H if this was reversed if a podcast host had a female scientist on and was like
you're hot you're sexy you're hot for a scientist they would go to jail no I should be C I'm sure like I honestly like I'm like I think under these guidelines I have raped I'm sorry like okay but here's the difference the difference is for inter when I was going to explain it huberman's a gorilla I mean he's a big dude he's a big 230 lb man like he can't say that to you that way if he was the comedian and you were the scientist it would be threatening to you you're not threatening him by saying he's hot it's just a compliment so you don't know what she can manipulate she could really ruin him but it it was you know cuz I was cuz he looks like a uh a neurologist in a Marvel movie like he looks like who you would cast in a Marvel movie he's like he's going to tear his like scientist thing off he's got a thick ass neck he's a big bronny dude he's a guy you would see in a Marvel movie who would play scientists you be like that's not a [ __ ] scientist [ __ ] guys stop W but there are times where I feel like I get away with [ __ ] that a guy would never [ __ ] get away that's not fair but that's but it is fair that's the dynamic cuz there's no threat from you that's why you can get away with it like if you said something crazy to me be like Whitney what the [ __ ] are you talking about it would never be like oh Jesus now I have to be scared to be alone with her a woman has to be scared to be alone with but I think what happens too is there's like the power thing comes into it too and then you're like so is it like Social Power political power um career power or is it the phys we know girls who have forced guys into having sex with them girls who are in power Force guys who are working for them to have sex we do know them we know them we know them so this but we don't give a [ __ ] prep to dive under this table at any moment we don't have to say any names but it doesn't mean anything it's Bon and he's very upset with you he we don't care right we don't care but if it was the other way around it would be a real hard SEC care if they do care I care like if they feel victimized by it I do care I'm for the victim it's not a gender thing like if they do feel like [ __ ] I thought I was but here's the thing if a guy's like
Jesus I can't believe I'm doing this this is so disgusting but I need this job and he does it we laugh I would be like hear those stories like you did what no you didn't and I think a lot of people get caught into the in the sort of logistics of like well would you be able to get a boner if you didn't want to do it right do you know what I mean oh yeah and then we're not believing men we're doing the same thing that's a good point you it l is a legitimate good point it is a good point like can you as a man get raped without getting a bone you know what I mean if you have a bone well if you can if if it's just mental to drink the [ __ ] of whatever animal that was then it's just mental to not be able to yeah you can listen you can certainly make an argument that if a man gets an erection that he's enjoying but here's the thing can a woman force you into doing something and then you start enjoying it so you go along with it but the beginning part was force yeah right so is it still okay it's a good question hard one that would be like a overly aggressive man too if a woman's saying no no no and then she starts liking it is that rape cuz it kind of is especially if you got a good editor it's so hard because like four years ago we know from Comics like what the Hot Topics were in it was [ __ ] um 50 Shades of Gray where we literally were going we were going when we say no we mean yes that was literally like if you have a helicopter and you're a billionaire it's another great bit a Honda and bag of onions no it's another great bit that bur has where he goes no always means no he's like no it doesn't sometimes like no stop no stop hard that's that's true it's but on paper it's not like you look at it in quotes it's like okay that's not cool do you know about the consent condoms I was working on a bed about this before they have consent condoms no I'm allergic to not having fun by the way I didn't realize until I I was like 28 uh I thought it was a fact that guys could be allergic to latex oh that is hilarious no my balls drop it's not it is real you can be because guys would use that as an excuse to not use a condom you're in the wrong dating pool these guys are all allergic to [ __ ] but so okay wait
so um the condoms are you you have to have four hands on it to open the condom oh my God which by the way if you're raping there's probably not a condom involved and but I but the joke I was trying to work on is like you have to put all your hands on it like a Ouija board do you love me and just put it into the trash cuz nobody's using condoms come on let's make condoms harder to use let's make let's put another barrier between condoms I don't think I've ever gotten involved in that I'm always just like you handle that I don't know what's going on people got mad there was outrage when the condoms came out because they went that's ableist because if people don't have hands they can't put their hands on and my point was if you don't have hands aren't you just fist [ __ ] anyway aren't you like wrist [ __ ] them you're like stub [ __ ] them a game of Jeopardy with outrage you know just looking for things to be pissed about if you're really so pissed that you need four hands to open up this condom because you only have one hand or someone out there only has one hand that's a crazy thing to get upset about also get a friend they'll lend you a hand but it's also I think it's it's it's on us to stop taking the outrage seriously we have to just ignore it we have to ignore it it's not that big of deal it's a game and it's a find a thing that you could be upset about find it you don't have to actually be upset I got in trouble and I and I'm exaggerating it wasn't that bad but I said B case Basket Case told yeah right Basket Case cuz basket case refers to soldiers in World War I that had all of their limbs removed they could fit in a basket they'd call them a basket case and I was like I said something where I was like if you insult yourself it's a self-deprecating thing I'm saying I'm crazy I'm a basket case and they're like you're offending World War I soldiers I'm no I'm offending myself first of all they're all dead yeah I think they're fine got in trouble for it she was saying something it was Veteran Day or something and it was about um she made some like it was like SpaghettiOs or something she's like yeah the only thing they can eat or something that they can eat without teeth or something and it was like people are like how dare you
and it's like but they are elderly and it's not she's just making a joke and then she didn't she put out an apology that wasn't an apology and it was very good yeah I mean we need sport good we need Sports I think this is what happens when Sports goes away how about this is what happens when everything's gone away this this is like the vibration of the country is a different vibration it was already happening but this accentuated it in a big way the vibration so off all the did you read um you know James alterer the guy who uh he's one of the owners of stand up New York did you read the article that he wrote about New York he's like New York City Is Dead Forever and it's not coming back and it's [ __ ] terrifying and it's true and it's it's accurate and I think that's the same with LA and I think it's the same with a lot of people and people are on [ __ ] tilt right now do you think Austin's so cool dude Austin's dope uh but do you think that the sort of modernday Coliseum is Twitter like we've always had this in us we've always wanted to watch people get torn apart right think it's totally new thing it's not just watching people get torn apart it's the ability to participate it's also it's the it's like having stock and taking someone down it's you're you're you're getting addicted to this weird feedback loop that that the book irresistible talks about you're you're putting something out there and then you're reading the response and you're addicted to how many likes and retweets and [ __ ] you get and I think you feel addicted to feeling part of something like I helped take that person down I was a part of that I'm an activist yeah oh activist people have it in their like bios now they're like activist right qualifies you as an activist they complain a lot they complain a lot and they try to get people canel we used to call that just like you're an obnoxious complainer talking people like do you like the environment like oh [ __ ] of course I like the environment but I got to go to Whole Foods leave me alone actors don't get any attention anymore they become activists and this is a really common thing with the people that are just pure narcissists you see them like supporting these [ __ ] CA what are your qualifications like what like what
qualifies I just feel like if you want to get the ultimate virtue signaling and the best way to be like a good person because I do believe all of this is like a fear of death and people want to like live on their life yeah so they they're like if I do all this good stuff like when I die like all the news will talk about me and they'll celebrate my birthday or whatever and I'll live on forever but with if you think about with um oh my God I'm having an add moment what was I talking about add add uh you were talking about uh cancel culture cancel culture activism activism the best way to do it is the way that George Michael did it where he he was under ground amazing he was like giving to these Charities he was like a silent philanthropist so then if you really want that attention which I'm not saying that's what he did when he died it came out that he was like yeah amazing and it wasn't like the glory of being on this earth like everyone being like wow you're like a that's so amazing that you donated this when people post their donations it's so gross he did it for the right reasons tax off I'm not rich enough to understand I mean I think people don't understand like when you see a celebrity give a huge tax or donation everyone's like they're so amazing it's like well that's also right off for them oh my God they have to give a certain amount of char can't wait to learn about this stuff it's just so transparent and gross when you see people trying so hard to get people to think they're virtuous and that's what it is it's like disgusting but when when you see people do it that you know are pure narcissists it's offensive but I felt like during black lives matter I was so conflicted because I did want to I was like I don't want people to I am like for I want people to have equality and and I do believe there's systematic racism and and or systemic I said it wrong uneducated mom and dad not mad at you anymore but you did [ __ ] send me to shitty schools but um no but I do believe in that but like with the black Square I ended up posting it and then I the reason I was so mad at myself is because I always I'll do the thing but I always want there to be an element of jokes because I'm a comedian so I realized after I posted it what I should have done was
repost Rachel Do's black square and then it would have had like in the corner it would have said and I [ __ ] missed that opportunity but people were like your virtues and it's like I just I don't I do want to let it be known that I'm willing to like lose followers over but you have to also know what like their motive in doing it it's so clear when someone's doing it and self serving it's like when someone dies and you see them post a picture of them and the person that died it's like did you just go into your iCloud and be like where's that photo of me and the dead famous person when Jo Rivers died someone posted a comic post who's terrible posted a thing that was like I'm I'm going to miss Joan Rivers once she saw me perform and told me how amazing I just like how are you managing to make this death about you there nothing grosser than when someone talks about how much someone who died loved them loved them thought they were awesome remember when um notredam was burning and everyone was posting photos of them at notredam bragging about now you're just bragging about your none of them went in none of them waited in line to go in they were outside like [ __ ] that line I to see the inside and then as soon as it caught on fire everyone was like this was me well during the protest they were getting people were canceling like the the people taking selfies with the well they were taking selfies and then going home and not actually protesting I saw cuz I was at one of the protests and people come and take a picture and just dart out I was like Jesus Christ I always told I told Donella I was like if you need my my white body to jump in front of you cuz they were showing like videos of like white girls like going in front of black guys when the cops would come over to stand in front of them as a a white Shield I was like I was like Donell I'll stand in front I'll use my white body in front of you but only when the camera's on like I just like jump in front like get my photo up and then I'm like all right so ridiculous but yes I think it's just like a matter of motives and it is so clear when someone's using it to advance their own agenda that the dance all addicted to attention that's right I love attention social media is the big attention fix and everybody's
hooked on it imagine thinking that someone imagine like being on a soap opera and thinking someone wants your take yeah on polit like imagine being an actress I think they think it's a career move I really do I think when you want to support the right candidate or you want to support the right bill or you had zero celebrities Scott beo so yeah zero well look at he had zero had zero celebrities yeah Kanye eventually but yeah I know uh is he coming on I don't think so the irony that celebrities think they're helping when in reality they're harming the fact that they didn't go like oh this is why people hated Hillary a big part of it look at how that's why Ricky dvas is so funny like calling everyone out at the award ceremon is because they were all they're like they're all like [ __ ] Harvey W time's up I'm like your friend from last year how many of them have videos of them thanking him at the Academy Awards that's what's crazy there's so many people thanking Harvey Weinstein how pissed is he he's so mad like you [ __ ] asshol but he probably was like I never saw this coming I could have ever thought that I could have get taken down with all those videos of all those people Merl stre saying how amazing I am all these people saying how amazing he is still got taken down remember how crazy that was I remember being at the comedy store when Ricky jvas was doing that and I posted oh everyone's mad at Ricky jvas which probably means he told some jokes like I tweeted that or something Ben Shapiro was tweeting it like Candace Owens was I all of a sudden I was alt-right because I was defending jokes he knows about this why are you alt-right if you're Pro comedy because they're not being real they're not being honest they just they just want to box you into a corner and label you and then play this game to see how many people retweeted and where it goes and whether they can get you cancelled no one wants new one well no one that I'm I don't want it then I'm yeah about new that's a lot of it what it is it's like they just look at you as a Target I read on um somewhere that 22% of people are on Twitter and of that 2% generate 80% of the comments so it's also such a small group and they're all mentally there's a lot of them are mentally ill like legitimately mentally ill like depressed
anxious [ __ ] up checking their [ __ ] constantly lit on their on their bios it'll say proud mental mental health like I always get someone that is like you're a busted [ __ ] and I always want to like go to their page and it's always like proud father how about when a girl who's so obviously a woman writes that her she identifies as her she and you're like what of course if it's a different thing show me like my favorite is they them you write they them on your bio I'm your friend I love it you're a they it's a I mean I think that we have to stop taking cancel call like we have to stop giving it air you know what I mean we have to stop it we can tell mocking it is what's important yeah no I'm talking about it like this but I mean I just like when everyone's like we can't do jokes yes you can [ __ ] do them just keep doing Marina Franklin has a joke that I don't I'm going to butcher it but it's something along do you know her she's black yeah she's so funny okay so she goes she goes I I can't use people's correct pronouns because then I just sound like a slave if I'm like they that you know what I mean she do like slave voice when you get into a ComEd Club start telling jokes people want to laugh other Comics might not want to journalists might not want to Justice Warriors might not to but the average person is like not on Twitter every day attacking comedians yeah well people trying to be offended that's what we're talking about earlier it's not that they're actually offended they're trying to be offended and then becomes a game find things that are targets does it is it actually offending you is that why you're talking about it or have you found a valid Target and now you're just going after it because this is the game you like you sank my battleship they're playing a little weird game makes them feel important or something and then the the the most annoying [ __ ] thing I get is whenever I like laugh at an offensive joke and someone goes you're enabling like so I'm the problem but you also got to realize like even invalid criticism it's it's still valid like to that dummy that's like a valid piece of criticism like we can't silence them either because the whole thing is mocking them right like mock it so it like you expose it for what you really
think it is but they have to be able to do that too so we can figure out where the line really is this is what a lot of people that are really super liberal don't understand why they think it's a good idea to silence and deplatform conservative people it's a terrible idea because then you don't develop the proper Arguments for what they're devel like the way these things are supposed to go is someone says something like you're an enabler and you like shut the [ __ ] up and everybody's like they laugh at you and then that person looks like a [ __ ] and then someone has a valid piece of criticism then the comic kind of looks like a dick and then maybe the the and then and then you figure out how what we actually agree on instead of using buzzwords and using like little things that people say to just find a Target we both have to exist for us both to exist the only way we figure it out and a lot of those people are going to get out of that and they're going to be your friend one day and also you're you're allow like like you're not better than other people because you think a certain way there's so many people that are like I'm right obviously and you're wrong obviously and it's like that's not how things work and with all the cancelling all the Twitter stuff they're going P like down this line of which now we've given them with Twitter you're just giving people a transcript of like all the [ __ ] you've said over the years but it's like you're expected to have this perfect record like you're never we're flawed humans that's how we learn that's how we learn that's how we grow it's through adversity we learn we [ __ ] up we fail we get back up and there's no room for that anymore but it's also here's the thing like why are you spending so much time complaining about other people all day I'll tell you why because you're not healthy right like you're not doing smart things if I look at your quter Twitter timeline and I'm seeing tweets 12 hours a day you're a crazy person you might not realize you're a crazy person you think there'll be a day where we will look back and go remember when anyone could get on Twitter at any time you think there's going to be like like smoking there's going to be like restrictions I think Twitter is going to be like Blockbuster Video I think we're
going to look back you remember when we used to communicate through Twitter like oh my God it was so toxic everybody was so mean we're going to hit some new thing next that's going to allow people to read each other's minds or Elon Musk neuralink which he's talking about communicating with no words we're going to hit that and it's going to make this seem like nonsense cuz what we're what we're lacking in this is one of the things that in that book irresistible there's there's no empathy in these conversations and that's the big part of the problem it's like you don't see the people you don't feel their pain so you could say horrible [ __ ] to them it's the vast majority of the way people are communicating like a lot of people it's the vast majority of their communication is text messages and tweets and none of it is person to person like these kids are arguing with each other through text because they don't want to look at each other and talk like human beings that's the only way you develop and grow as a person Lou did like a whole kind of bit on one of the late shows before obviously the cancelling but um he where he was talking about that he's like you need like his you need to see someone's feelings be hurt to realize that your words have a specific type of impact on people and then you decide like oh I don't want to do that anymore like I don't want to but if you don't if you just are shooting these things out and they're going into this void and and you get a you get praised from them by other [ __ ] or sitting at home by themselves like yeah yeah canceler it's why they're so excited about love like little mobs little mobs it's a drug I mean it is a drug you do feel high and I got to say it's like the same way when you drive by a car accident you're like oh hope I see this everybody you know you kind of like want to see some [ __ ] up [ __ ] like when I see that someone you know you they do these like so and so is over party which is so [ __ ] up when you think about it but I'm always like P pure adrenaline and I can't help myself oh my God a bunch of female comedians who are like the some that would probably say The Comedy Store sucks they did a um a retirement party for men where was like all these Like Comics that aren't pasted at actual clubs female comics and
they had like a banner and it was like bye men or whatever it was like two years ago I'm like adorable that sounds like a good use of their time maybe write some [ __ ] some [ __ ] jokes we'll let you in all we want is you to be F like we'll let you inun Annie and I were you know bonding a lot over the break about sort of like you know no one's been meaner to us in this business than women you know so it's like like wants to have that uncomfortable conversation either you know chill like yeah it's not men versus women it's bad versus good good men and good men versus bad women and bad men again it's like we live in generalizations so what we do we love generalizations and we don't like Nuance because it makes us Force forces us to look at our own ideas yeah it's uncomfortable you know just because you know men are doing well in in in a business and you're not it doesn't mean the men have some sort of a conspiracy you know I think it's harder for a woman to be a comic I do and I think it's harder because of society I think it's more difficult to talk about things that are important like a man can talk about politics is very difficult for a woman to go on stage to talk about politics men can talk about sex and they don't look like they're a [ __ ] or damaged you can if you're an unattractive woman sorry woman like there was uh who uh Christopher Hitchens Christopher Hitchens had a uh a bit in Vanity Fair wrote a story women aren't funny and it was like this this really sort of take down of like the kind of Comedy that a woman has to do to be funny they have to be Butchy or has to be male kind of com I don't necessarily agree with them because I think there's a lot of women that are really funny but I think it's a harder path I think it's a more narrow Keyhole you're shooting through whereas a guy I think in general audiences will accept a man telling them what's wrong whereas I think a lot of men in particular on dates do not want to hear a woman especially an attractive one tell the the the guy in the audience that he's wrong about something well I think women are naturally more empathetic contend to be more empathetic just cuz we're mothers we're nurturers we're caregivers and so we more I mean we're Barren and we have to do comedy whenever like like Joey said something
he's like you're smart you're like you you know you're like one of the guy like you fit in with I'm like you fit in with me [ __ ] like this is how I am but um but but it's like you [ __ ] I keep forgetting I got to stop smoking weed it's just it's like early on know that ComEd females are more empathetic more empathetic so we're more willing to listen to a guy talk about his day jerking off or anything like one of those things that maybe we wouldn't have the experience of having as a woman but guys are less interested in hearing about our wasn't one of the points that Hitchens was making that were wired to worry about women if they hurt themselves and so much of Comedy is talking about I hurt myself I made this mistake I you know that it's sort of like were wired to be protective of them so it's not funny like if a if if a man slips on a banana peel it's funny if a woman slips on a banana peel it's like are you okay I think factor I think there's a bunch of factors but I think that's it too I think that's that factors in too but I think the big one is men don't want to hear women talking about things like opinions on politics or opinions on money or opinions on like they get mad a lot of guys are like they they'll get that thing especially young guys like and young guys on dates that want to look like a cool guy and some girl saying something like here's the [ __ ] problem with men like this [ __ ] you know you know like if you don't vote for Biden you know you ain't black whatever whatever they want to say was talking wild I remember Charlamagne was like I'm trying to help like what yeah Charlamagne was like Dam I love charlam I do too but it had to be in his head he had to be like damn that's a good clip right there bam 10 million hits going to do well for America possibly good for me you remember bad for America we'll see do you remember a time when uh uh we were doing standup and people would intro us say so are you guys ready for a lady that's how they would I like you're going to be really this is not going to be very ladylike sorry which is their way of saying if you guys need to go to the bathroom or fill your meter Now's the Time that was what we talked about the other night the word comedian that used to be a word I get that a lot
people say it it like and it's ironic because it's like the New York Times and like really fancy journalists will say comedian and I'm like are you supposed to be the most wokest of the woke and Progressive is that supposed to be sophisticated they don't a lot of people don't even like actress anymore they just say actor I'm an actor yeah cuz a female could be an actor to they prefer activist yeah I actually don't mind being like treated like an under cuz that's an opportunity to make a joke you know I like when they bring you on I was saying before like sometimes Jason Garen is a comic he'll bring me on and be like this sexy this neck sexy and I'm always like ew but instead of getting offended I just go on stage and I always go when we were out in the parking lot one night he said if my wife were dead I'd [ __ ] I'd [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of me I was like if I was dead possibly could [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of me and it always getss a laugh it makes the less uncomfortable it's like our job is to like make fun yeah like of a weird situation like Noto like I'm deeply like why would I be offended who cares and it's fun to come on in a hole sometimes and dig out and it's just definitely some way to break the ice MH yeah and there's also like you know I remember when I first started and I was like you know I look back and I'm like people like women aren't funny and women aren't I was like I wasn't funny when I started no one's funny when they [ __ ] start I was so funny when I started and so hot everyone's molesting me and laughing at my jokes Jes an but I remember being so offended when people like women aren't funny you know I couldn't get stage time CU I didn't deserve stage there's a lot of guys that are not funny too it's not it's not isolated to any gender and there's a lot of women that are funny and that's that's why the whole thing is so offensive because it's to the people that have already gotten through and become professional comics and they know what the real deal is the real deal is you like everybody who's funny that's the real deal the real deal is everybody is kind of really cool to each other that are really funny you make fun it's fun whether it's Michelle wolf or who whoever is a killer Fortune fster whoever anybody they're only curlyhair women sorry
that's I think I think of funny nobody no carrp but no one I mean all those people are just accepted that's right because they're funny yeah nobody pays money drives out to a comedy show gets a date pays a two drink minimum and then wants to like intentionally not laugh at someone yeah nobody does that they want you to win but I think a lot of guys have a hard time with women being in control I really do I know a lot of guys that's what they I'm like she's hilarious she [ __ ] talks about this too much yeah there's just no I feel like there's no off limits it's just funny as fun you can talk about anything there's no there's no you remember used to be male political comedians like will Durst like his whole act would be political or Randy kredo the whole Act was political Jimmy tingle is very political there's never a Woman comic like that no there's like talk shows like Samantha B or like you know shows like talk Sam in an audience when Samantha B had I remember when they were first running the ad campaign for the show coming out they still were doing things that where it was like they had her have like these big balls or something they were like playing so much on the gender thing where it's almost like just do the show and don't which by the way do whatever you want obviously she has a successful show but it's like let's just be women doing a thing and not have to talk about the fact that we're all the time well when you're a woman and you're in a position of power like that you kind of have to like the one be the one who takes control and like if there's an issue that needs to be discussed you kind of have to call it out on your it's not like if a guy is doing a like Jimmy tingle or not Jimmy tingle jimy you got to stop saying tingle it's like such a silly name noever well he's one of those guys from Boston when I first started who was a brilliant brilliant comedian but anyway a male comic doesn't feel like they have to defend men right like if a another male comic is getting [ __ ] on they don't feel like they have to jump in the pH hey us guys have to stick together but women do I don't think I don't I feel like but I I don't have the parts I don't have tits
and I don't have you be allowed to say Baron with Baron Trump around is that offensive to to Trump's kid like for so interesting imagine like if it becomes a word that like hey you know I feel like that's the least of his problem just say infertile you have other words use the right ones use the very long ones that take ask Joe about our proposition for your well I was telling her you two are the ones that have made me freak out the most about whether I can have kids or not so do you want to go havies on freezing her eggs you want to freeze fre your well you both were like you both were like if you're going to have kids you better have them soon she was like freeze your eggs today I was like can I borrow money for the Uber at least like there's no more Uber in La as of today oh really they shut Uber and lift down cool yeah because because of Co there's nothing to do they're not making any money because uh the regulations the the state government wants to put on people they want them all to be employees yeah but they're using the CO as the no they're not using CO as it it's just they just passed it and Uber and lft are both pulling out of California which is going to mean how many people are going to have to drive drunk now how many people are not jobs exactly how many people who are barely getting by anyway all of a sudden my God the carpet got pulled out from under them and there's a lot of people that are at least they're doing Uber and they're driving people around they're getting how many Comics are going to lose all of their setups now that they don't have Uber drivers to talk about I mean we only can hope that they come to their senses and realize how crazy this is in this time to take any job away but I think the problem is some people want it because they want health insurance and they want all sorts of protections as an employee but it's it's a gig you know that's what they call it like gig employment right it's not a job it's not a career it's just a gig and you can make a lot of money doing it part-time and they they're like n [ __ ] you you're making a lot of money they're not making as much money you need to give them some of that money they need to be employees I get the argument yeah isn't Airbnb not allowed to because of Co right now no I don't think that's true because I know
people have used airbn okay cuz I was going to say it's like everyone's like side and [ __ ] but but a lot I bet they're hurting though a lot of people don't want to do it but the thing about the Uber and the lift thing it's like I see both ways because it's like how much money do they make off that app and how do they divvy that [ __ ] up I see a lot of those drivers in Teslas and I'm like you must be making some money maybe that's just a person who wants a Tesla and says if I just work 10 hours a day I can afford a Tesla right right but the thing is like who's the Uber people and the lift the people that own the company how much are they making but just having an app yeah I think they're not good I don't think they're they give a great percentage to I started not liking Uber when the drivers could rate you back they can rate you back they can rate you back and I would just get in the Uber sometimes and say nothing I'd be going to the comi store working on my act and sometimes people do want to chat and I'm just really quiet and then I would get like four stars they say maybe they didn't like maybe they didn't like your special like trust me if I talk it's going to be much worse does the does lift do the same thing they have I know I would only have done Uber but does lift have it the ra I don't know I got canc I got um kicked off of lift because I was M the driver almost ran my foot over once and I left a a message on his answering machine like I hope you rot in [ __ ] hell and then they said I abused him and then they asked why and I just went honestly I'm PMSing and they didn't that wasn't a good I like honestly he almost hurt me and I'm on my period and I'm really mad drove over your [ __ ] foot though weren't they trying weren't they trying to change what PMS is called because it was offensive it was it not instead of to people who menstrate it wasn't it post uh menstrual dysmorphia aren't they calling it that now didn't we change dismorphia dysmorphia body dysmorphia yeah um they were trying to put tampons in the men's bathroom at Yale because they said sometimes men men's straight I think the last time I was on this podcast we talked about we talked about it's adorable weird sometimes women don't the weird thing is though it's like it's not like being
anti-tr it's just you're not allowed to talk about it at all unless you're like completely on the side of of I don't even want to say it I don't want to say it I don't want to talk about it you're getting canel you can't just go like I'm standing outside of this situation and I I this side is saying this and this side is saying that and you can't cuz then they're like you're you're trans question here's what you can say here's what you can say we put tampons in the men's room because sometimes trans women use the men's room and they can still get their period that's an accurate way of saying that that's a real way you can you can say that holla is that me it's not me it's not me you're a mess it was me that's you that's me you [ __ ] [ __ ] that is always the best when someone shits on you when someone shits on you for something you're the only two people I talk to I can't imagine who's calling me you're the only two people definer it's a little eser being like you guys are there without me I know it's Tim Dylan being like I have a very distinctive ring so when if you call me I know exactly what it is silent the t-rexx roar really yeah so someone calls me it Roars dude when are we ever going to see you again Joe I'm actually starting to get sad disgusting come visit I'll come back I only fly private now since I did this podcast twice this is my second Rogan now I fly private but my favorite part of Austin is it has the largest population of bats yeah America oh good the thing that gave us Corona not Chinese people bats Jesus racist scientists under a bridge and every night scientist cancel science cancel science I me Chinese scientist have you seen them fly out from under that bridge wild yeah at at dusk so cool yeah it's really cool as soon as it starts turning dark out they fly out I mean millions of them larest in North America look at that look at that largest number of so fun that's in Austin what's it called uh moon tower moon tower but what isn't Austin the only city that still operates Moon Towers I don't know it it is I don't know I believe it is I never want to uh and I've never done any of those yeah those are good and the Austin City Limits is another one it also has the only nude beach in Texas I do know that
so you I've done Austin City Limits I've done that theater the big theater there what is the theater there uh Paramount is that what it is is that the one you you can I don't know but it's beautiful it's gorgeous inside is that at the Paramount Theater in Austin it's [ __ ] it's so no the Moonlight Towers a only known surviving Moonlight Towers in the world what does that mean I don't know they on at night and it creates light as if it was the moon they're everywhere surviving and then there's a picture of Brody I hate that and a gun under him Jesus CH it's like [ __ ] I got my Brody pin by the way Rock pins get have you been to Austin before yeah I did the moon tower oh nice nice yeah they let me do festivals sometimes we're g to come we're g to come let Joe H come visit well we're gonna take over your studio for our podcast tra Bond trauma bonding well no you already have one with Bonnie now I'm jealous well it's a you're going to be on it and we're just doing six we're it's a limited series you think Bonnie is going to try to put a wedge between you too no Bonnie's going to love it Bonnie's the coolest I talk to Bonnie every day we laugh all she's the [ __ ] quickest funniest [ __ ] in the world movie Her movie is a great example of what we're talking about women aren't funny it's a [ __ ] awesome dressed up like a guy and went on stage she looked like rafie who were we talking about the other day a little bit yeah she looked something that made me laugh so hard in that documentary is when uh uh there were she was like well there are some women that aren't funny and because there's less of us you can make a sort of stereotype based on one person so she's like we don't need to get more women in comedy we just have to ask the people that suck to quit yeah she so she called up a bunch of female comics and she was like hey can you stop doing stand up it's ruining it for the rest you know what my you know what my feelings are it's not the people that suck it's the people that aren't that good those are the Dangerous Ones it's not the ones that suck cuz the ones that suck everybody knows they suck and it just kind of never happens it's the ones that are just [ __ ] shaky their premises are kind of okay their deliver is kind of all right they
get but they don't get enough and then they're angry those are the ones comic fault that because if you think about the best pickup line for a male comic to hit on a female comic is you're funny funny yeah you're really funny yeah like you're funny and then girls like I am like it totally worked on me so many times I don't but see to me I feel like if someone says you're funny you're not funny if you just come off stage like and some say nothing that means you're funny well or I mean look if someone thinks you're funny they if they say it it should register the problem is it's you got that male female Dynamic so it's like what's he's trying to [ __ ] me what is this well that's why I like that you find me disgusting and you're you're put your KS away you nasty [ __ ] so that's why when you tell me I'm funny I'm like okay I had to say that in the moment that fun amazing about comedy that does kind of neuter us you know like I don't feel Sexual Energy around comics like no offense but there's just something it just feels very fraternal and just I never feel sexual around it's what we were talking about at the The Comedy Store the other night when we were doing the thing it's like there's not that many of us there might be a thousand of us on the planet at a s billion people maybe way less I mean after this pandemic yeah legitim well they can't drive LIF anymore they got to go home I mean I feel like we're going to come back and half the comics are going to have to have moved home and I'm going to get such sweet spots at The Comedy Store now I'm like you will you will the question is how many clubs are going to be open The Comedy Store is going to stay open but how many clubs will be there's going to be a lot that go under a lot like maybe half of them in the country well a lot of what I was hearing was um I kept booking dates and cancelling and booking and canceling remember during that time when it was just chaos we didn't want to just surrender to what the [ __ ] was happening but a lot of clubs wanted us to book knowing we were going to have to cancel just so they could get some income and then they weren't going to refund they were just going to give you a credit so it was I paid money to see Joe Rogan knowing he was not going to and then to
go just to keep the lights on knowing the show's never going to happen and then you get a credit to my club Ben Glee had W had become a president we would have been bailed out of all the clubs I like you say a president Glee had become a president that's how like out of touch you are with politics she's like how many of them are there fale Comics doing politics if Ben gleed had become a president it's just so weird because a lot of these clubs are barely functioning without a pandemic oh yeah like Laugh Factory and like maybe some of the smaller outside clubs like haha or ice house why the comedy CL in Boston all those years back well they opened up the Wilbur Theater oh the same yeah when when Bill blo andri started doing shows at the Wilbur the The Wilbur is like what 1,200 1300 people so we started getting literally like a good headliner who would sell out Fel Hall which is like 500 people or 400 people you could actually with his mail list and the fact that comedy's so popular in Boston he could sell out the Wilbur I just remember like The Comedy Store o is my favorite room in the world yeah it's the best the comedy connection that room the F Hall one the way that it was wide it was shallow and kind of wide with low ceilings yeah I used to get arri shaffir so high that he couldn't remember what he talked about and then I i' send him on stage and he was like I'm too just that's so mean no no no fine I go I go he goes I shouldn't get too high I go dude you can't get fired you literally can't get fired I'm like you work for me I know you're funny let's go have fun man let's get just go out there he go you can drug your friends well that was later I I did not approve I was not a part of that Ari came to my house like a year ago and was like I need to talk to you and I was like oh [ __ ] this probably not going to go well but this is a prank waiting to happen I'm going to get dosed or something and he came over and he took me on a hike and he was like basically like this is an intervention you need to go get lost somewhere like I want you to go to Peru for two months without a cell phone or something and I was like you're out of your [ __ ] mind he like keep he goes but keep tweeting controversial things but's a rapist yeah AR you need an
intervention yeah you need to get the [ __ ] off Twitter homie no but and then the [ __ ] pandemic happened I was like I should have [ __ ] done that yeah but then You' be stuck in Thailand or some sh come home true that's true a lot of people got stuck in other countes lost in your [ __ ] field of you have a he had he said it because he did it himself and he had a great benefit from doing it and he's right and a lot of that stff that's just cuz he was off Twitter for a couple months that too that too but there's there's a real benefit for that do it you know there one of the things that on one of the first comments of that when I posted that book he was like I'll accept your apology I saw that are you going to change your cell phone habits now that you read that book already well you know that I put on my phone because of you I have a folder called addict at the very end with my social media but now I just scroll seven times to get to it you I I do when I'm healthy I delete all of the the apps so then you have to redownload them and it's just this extra step that's annoying however the extra step though do you know what I realized I just kept I would pick my phone up and I would just tap like I'm so addicted to just taing start downloading then immediately would download you know what someone was telling me this was a real doctor huberman said that um people when they come out of surgery the first thing they do when they come out of anesthesia is they grab their genitals it's just like a sub subconscious make sure it's still there yes Jesus but now they reach for their phone oh my God it's better than you dick wow it's it's going to be a part of your body it's just a matter of time we're so attached to those goddamn things if Elon Musk really falls through with this neural thing and they cut a hole in people's head the size of a quarter and stick a bunch of wires into your brain which is literally what he said they were going to do and you have some bluetooth enabled like people wor about vaccines like hello but here's the thing if what he was saying is it's going to be a massive Advantage for people that have it you're going to have much more access to information the bandwidth in which you process information be much thicker and wider
you're going will be able to remember her thoughts oh my God so embarrassing twice one day you know what it is like we're cuz there's three of us we all have [ __ ] to say like I'm so excited everyone always thinks people are on adal or Coke on your show because it's like so exciting to talk irony because you have three hours slow down it's fine I know but it gets you the energy like we're having a fun conversation it's like I got something to say like you don't know when you jump puppies that get coffee probably is let me do my Joey Diaz impression Hey Joe Rogan I like that he calls you joean so if today someone said we can schools can open up clubs can open up venues can open up we can go back to normal if you wear this bracelet that tells me where you are at all times where you were last night and who you hung out with this is the problem with it the same problem with shutting down the Tik tock house it's because okay you shut down a house that has 200 people what if it gets down to five what if they tell you you have to split your family up what if you have 10 people in your house you can't have more than 10 right what if you have if Grandma comes over can't come over who the [ __ ] are they to tell you you can't have a party you have manag this crisis so horribly at every step of the way and not just the city and not just the state the federal government and of course the people that were releasing the information from Wuhan that's the that's the big step because they're the ones who [ __ ] it up because there was a lot of legit doctors and scientists that were in Wuhan Chinese doctors they were trying to get the word out and they were silenced and the main one the first one that did it actually wind up dying from the [ __ ] disease it's crazy right so that's that's the biggest [ __ ] up but there's fuckups every step of the way one of the biggest fuckups that's happening right now is these people being in a position of power and telling people they can't work telling people they can't do things tell but you can protest you saw the governor got shut down right but yeah I did I did see that Tim Dylan was supposed to be there governor in Long Island The Comedy Club you can't have a person that just because they win a popularity contest make new rules you can't give them the
power to make new rules because everybody becomes a [ __ ] Tyrant and that's what they're doing all they're doing is to protect people you tell me how many [ __ ] hospital beds you you tell me what the death rate is and then you tell me why this is the only state in the country that can that can't open a beauty salon the beauty salons can't be open right now only California they're crazy this is it's a crazy State and they opened them for a second and then took it away this is what they're do this maybe it's we don't pay taxes that's exactly what it is Jesus Christ LIF in the Uber [ __ ] Tipping Point this is people are going to wake the [ __ ] up no it's fine I never pay taxes is that bad if you don't say it on a podcast nobody knows let's just say let's just say on paper me and Wesley Snipes have a lot in Comm dude they don't [ __ ] around they find you no I'm I'm having my well I'm not talking about this actually I'm fine everything's fine everything fine everything's fine but the this this state is just they're terrible at it and the fact that they can shut down these Tik tokers we should be nervous not because these Tik tokers are are geniuses but it's because who the [ __ ] are you to say you you can shut the power off wow you can shut someone's power off slippery slope they're taking their their ability to use their phone away they're like your phone's going to die and then you're [ __ ] well they're shutting the lights off in the house that's what they're doing they're cutting off the water but if you do that like you're saying that you have the ability to shut off Essentials things that keep people alive Water and Power you're saying that you have the ability to tell them how they can live in this house and there's no real law that says you can limit the amount of people that can go to a party I don't think there is I'll tell you where does not happen Texas no my mom is from Texas yeah you do not get to tell people from Texas what to [ __ ] do except don't smoke weed yeah except weed what are we going to do about that we'll figure it out there's occupancy laws I'm going to have the what occupancy laws and [ __ ] like that like the amount of people that can be place but it's you can't change them can you can you make it a house
like if a house is normally has a party like Dan belerian place if you're in college and you have too many people at your house they'll come and shut it down right but that's the cops and that's not your house that's probably don't own the house either they're probably renting it they they don't have 1010 million to buy those houses yet if the people who own the house have some sort of a regulation maybe I could see it but if you like Dan Bion didn't own that house either and the whole thing about that house it would piss off the neighbors was cuz he would just bus in people and they'd fill that place up and DJs and marshmallows there and [ __ ] everybody's going crazy but they didn't shut his power off so they're say they're saying they have the ability to shut your power and water off because during the pandemic they can Li the amount of people in your house so that's a new rule because if they were having these occupancy laws Dan ban would have gotten shut down too they're doing it because they're saying you could spread covid this way and it's irresponsible the problem is the way they they're doing something new they're shutting power off on someone's house that doesn't listen they're shutting power off on someone who's having a party who doesn't obey but didn't they have and they're doing it for press to kind of let people know what's up it's like a threat and this is the same [ __ ] guy that off off rewards for people who turn folks in remember the whole thing snitches get stitches well now snitches get rewards if people AR social distancing and people are having parties and that was for small parties remember that was for people having [ __ ] barbecues this [ __ ] is slippery do you think I'm gonna get because I'm starting a standup show in my backyard just for Comics we're going to do testing like what Chappelle is doing in Ohio I'm going to do in my backyard because it's just getting crazy am I going to get shut down I don't know but you're going to let everybody know where you live going to be it's basically going to be like a show it's going to be like comic bring like two friends that you trust and know so guys if you join my patreon I'll do a raffle any patreon shoot some [ __ ] we might try to shoot some stuff like why
not why not I just wonder what is the law like see if we can find out if there's any written thing how many people can I have I don't know yeah like what what is the law now in La if these Tik tokers have too many people they a lot you're not going to have that I'm going to have like five comics and cuz when I started I think you should just be arrested if that's a law I think you should be fined or something I don't think you should be able to shut someone's [ __ ] power rather just find me great all right bye yeah if like if these Tik tokers like hey you guys are violating the law so here's a fine of $200 this what what things make sense if you're finding someone for like if you're if you park in the wrong place you can get fined but there's a thing that they're doing that's weird they're shutting power off ordinance on loud or unruly Gatherings known as The Party House ordinance hey Dan B zeran did ever work on you officially took place August 15 8 they never use it on him the ordinance claims to curb repeat offenders of out of control parties of residential neighborhoods with escalating fines and new enforcement from Los Angeles Police Department I don't think that's connected though this is 2018 is that like a blanket statement I don't think that's connected to the Tik Tok house these are all 2018 we in heat wave it was 107 you can't cut off someone's electricity in 107 heat exactly and we're all we're assuming they're kids and they're allowed to be there okay here property owners who skirt building and safety rules or city laws such as Los Angeles Party House ordinance which is the same law right are in violation of covid-19 Public Health orders in the city's Party House ordinance which becomes the law in 2018 so they're talking about that law and it said it wasn't clear whether garcetti's announcement was related to that motion h okay what it feels like it's just a little ad HW it's still exactly they're making it up as they go along it's still sneaky under the proposal penalties for large Gatherings could include Water and Power shut off permit prohibitions and having a certificate of OCC occupancy held or rev revoked for large close contact largely maskless gatherings in violation of City emergency orders and County Health orders so the City
emergency in the county health order they make an order saying you can't have a large Gathering and if you do they're going to do a new thing which is shut your water and power off wow when do they [ __ ] ever do that unless you're a fugitive you have to have like a gun and you're pointing it out the window shut it's like we're always at risk of fires and now you're making people use candl light like that's not safe flame I've seen these kids they don't shower anyway that it's a slippery thing if you allow it I comp I think it's stupid that these kids want to have these parties and we were talking about Dr malcin all these people that came to him that got sick from one of those parties you can get sick for sure and there's probably you know it's it's a high likelihood that people are going to die if they keep getting sick and they infect someone you know out of you know it's like zero it's 0 4% of people who catch Co die that's what the current standings are so it could lead to a death or two it is possible but I just I just don't think you should allow people to do that did you see how the um the Steve Bannon was busted by the male did you know that the maale could make arrests The Daily Mail the mail like the mail it was the Postal Service they have like a arrest Department police that's who arrested Steve not for long listen is girls are talking about politics I have to pee so bad to pee too can we can you guys keep going I'll pee we're keep going look at this post you us some I want to sell my office arrested Steve Bannon Isn't that cool let's read it look at his face look at that guy he looks like um Javier I'm gonna be Joseph Rogan the US Postal Service is out to deliver Justice against former white house chief strategist Steve Bannon it may not come as a shock that Bannon often described as a grifter was allegedly caught up in a scheme to defraud why grifter the world yeah they have [ __ ] police isn't that crazy I hate when they take tweets from PE this drives me nuts when journalists take tweets from people I don't know who [ __ ] this person is and then they post their tweet as if it's real journalism that's not journalism and look they only have 322 likes on the Tweet it's not even a popular tweet they're part and partial of an Elite
Police Unit known as the US Postal inspection service uspis which has been fighting crime since the male fraud probably you and your tax fraud you're going to meet these people soon Annie you're going to know these people any minute there's uh 1,200 postal inspectors who carry weapons make arrests execute Federal search warrants and serve subpoenas they've even inspired a CBS series The inspectors haven't heard of it didn't feel like it was that inspired they made 5,759 arrests can you imagine since put your hands up since 1872 that's not a lot of arrests that's very few arrests have you ever been arrested uh no I got like you know when I was in high school we were bad but I never got arrested I got like the C once we took a a a 3-ft bong out into the alleyway to smoke for some reason in high school and then obviously neighbors were like the kids are smoking a giant bong and the thing so the the cops came in remember we were so high we were like trying to hide behind the bong it was like so tragic but my one friend who had the weed on him got arrested but I never got arrested but do you still smoke weed out of bongs or just do joints um sometimes I I mean I don't really smoke that much weed anymore I started again and now I'm remembering why I don't the old early onset can't remember my phone number when I I want to be as alert as possible I like to be able to pay attention and chime in and stuff but um yeah I'll smoke out of a bong sometimes I think I was uh my throat was getting really [ __ ] up from the Vapes yeah oh I don't yeah I don't I don't like vaping I don't think it gets me high enough remember when we thought Vapes were like healthier than cigarettes are they though remember when we were like Vapes are healthy oh you're showing my uh patreon it's a big factor saw bong picture I I look up wait okay you say huh what nothing she asked if she smoked out of a bong I'll show you I I did have a three smoke weed and I want to tase you I had a three- foot I mean I'm a little bit interested in that I do like attention I like attention but I also like not peeing myself David Blaine the bar is High um what were we just talking about I caught whatever you had the Postal Service the Postal Service can arrest people there's 1,200 people that
can arrest people they carry weapons and they arrested him for fraud is that what was arrest him for uh fraud for raising money for that private border wall right is that wild it's all wild is this CBD kill Cliff very good for o does this give you a little buzz at all or no just good for like pain and stuff yeah 25 milligrams CBD wow I'm trying to find this picture I have a picture I had a three-foot bong for a second and for mother's day one year I dressed it up like like it was a boy I put a hat on it and I was like sending my son to school I put a little backpack on him this is Del [ __ ] love Instagram by the way do you think that um uh Instagram is going to be replaced by reals well real is Instagram Instagram but I mean it's like as at one cuz now your algorithm like you have to get a certain number of likes and comments in order to get in the algorithm at all right which is harder and it's reals like more it's like a Tik Tok on it Instagram just robs it's great it's like what it did with Snapchat too Instagram did stories when Snapchat you know kind of went away right I haven't started doing the reals yet but I'm excited I love having this Outlet especially during this where we can't do stand up I love I love Instagram and a lot of comics just like promote or don't or like put their dog and their books are read and a song they're listening to what I love that I love when you like see a movie break Comedians and make them so successful um but I really love making jokes on it it's like my favorite yeah yeah it's a great place to do it it's a fun way to like just you post a picture and say something funny it's a little writing exercise it's also like like journalists are so [ __ ] lazy now like news is just Jennifer Lope posted this thing on Instagram they just take all their news and all their photos from Instagram now do you know how many stories get written just from [ __ ] we say on this podcast just write a story it's crazy well I'll see you when like the internet like Twitter will be out you posted a picture with me and um Owen Smith I believe and it was like one of the days you said one thing I don't even remember what it was but the internet had blown and I could tell cuz I was tagged in the picture of you so all these people were commenting
and I saw you later and it was not a different day for you in any way you were not you were I I was like I wonder if he like cuz it was just like boom boom boom I was getting all these notifications it was just so funny that you didn't even that's probably when I didn't like video games or something did you I feel like you got I maybe it was like I I feel like two years ago you got like super famous like super super super famous did it feel like it was like two years ago was sh so famous I don't know what happened you're always famous you were famous but then you became a religion yeah I think it's a accumul thing if you just keep moving keep keep putting out podcasts and then people more and more people listen to them and then too many people are listening to you then it becomes this thing yeah and then it's like every word you say is they're like you have responsibity also I'm a [ __ ] [ __ ] which is a terrible thing like if people are getting advice from me like I don't even take my own advice a lot of times don't listen to me but that's why you're fun to listen to and talk to is cu you're like humble and you're willing to entertain ideas that aren't yours and you're ask the right questions I think it's so important that we're we were talking about before that you don't get married to your ideas I've been married to my ideas before it's gross it's gross cuz then you defend them and you lie and you manipulate your words to try to make it seem like you're right when you're not right I think it was in that I think it was in that uh that same book we've brought up so many times you get dopamine when your bias is conf confirmation bias when uh someone agrees with a wrong idea that you say you get dopamine I used to enjoy winning like arguments like that and now I wanted like honestly like when I have someone on the podcast that's saying something really ridiculous that I know is horseshit that I'm like okay this is my opportunity to just exercise this thing and I want I'll just speak nice and slow and like why do you think that like what what is it what's going on like tell me how you make and what about this and I'll give them opposing ideas but I won't be married to them I'll say well that doesn't make any sense because this but I'm not saying it in a mean way I'm like I'm trying to I try like when
someone's like especially someone says something really that they don't even really think through they just this is like a predetermined pattern of Behavior Uh a conglomeration of ideas that I've adopted as this ideology and I'm going to push this forward no matter what and those people are fascinating because when you talk to them they are [ __ ] married to those ideas they don't even know them they're married to strangers they're married to strangers and you're arguing with them about some [ __ ] they haven't thought through it all and they um and they ah I've had people fall apart and it's so fascinating because look I've been wrong a thousand times on this [ __ ] podcast or more but when there's a moment if I know I'm wrong I'll be like oo okay that's not right and that's this specific podcast today all the time everything you've said you wrong yeah you are able to change your mind after getting new information lot people just how science is right isn't science like that you're trying to prove yourself wrong you're trying to like yes are it's ego but even in science it's a real issue when people come up with new scientific discoveries that other scientists didn't recognize there's a lot of [ __ ] blowback a lot of people get angry scientists get pissy egotistical it's dishearten when you take all your information from like archist but then one archist will find some new discovery that like predates Civilization like I've seen it with Graham Hancock I've seen it with Graham Hancock I've seen it with Robert shock who's this geologist from Boston University he was talking to this archaeologist about these geological findings that that show water erosion in the outside of the Spinx that could have only taken place at 9,000 BC which would predate all that Egyptian construction like way earlier than they thought it was and this guy's mocking him and laughing at him a scientist instead of going fascinating cuz this is his field of study he's a [ __ ] geologist okay and he's saying these water marks can only be created by erosion this is water erosion this is not wind and sand this is water and he's saying I'm a geologist I have sent these images this cropped images to other geologists they've agreed with me this guy's just mocking
them I'm like oh my God it's ego he doesn't want to think that he's been teaching and writing books for all these years about how old the Sphinx is how old the pyramids are and he's been wrong and he doesn't want to you're like oh no so it exists in everything even in the people that we rely on the most for information they're married to their ideas he should have been fascinated she' have been like wow well I have to revise my book and then you get a new book dude yeah then you get this crazy new discovery that oh look it it it looks like there's many eras of construction because if you go deep deep deep into the sand there's an older era and it's a very distinctive era they they built things differently then and then this era does they do it this way it's like they can get it narrowed down to these epochs it's [ __ ] fascinating but meanwhile this guy's ego wouldn't let him see it and you watch it you go wow what what civilization was from 14,000 years ago meanwhile they since then they've found them they found actual civilization like go Beckley Tey that's 100% more than 12,000 years old 100% without a doubt was filled in 12,000 years ago so the guy was wrong but meanwhile his ideas were his he clutched them like a baby was protecting from a [ __ ] storm there's so much of that in medicine especially when there's new Solutions and [ __ ] you know like I was reading about the um uh board certification for veterinarians a lot of these veterinarians have to learn wrong information to pass this test to get board certified a lot of it that's already been debunked because it's like older veterinarians something that was true 30 years ago now has been debunked and they have to like learn all this archaic [ __ ] just to pass this arbitrary test well remember the food chain remember when you this how to get cancer how to get it was like eat five servings of bread a day ate potatoes remember that pyramid top there was a fish it was like it was like one piece of fish that's right and one little piece of steak the fact that we used to think that [ __ ] was good for us well that a was like eat cream cheese and and beef and didn't he but here's no this is the thing people always like to say this Atkins fell on the ice and broke his
head well cuz he was off balance from all that cream cheese you're wrong and I'm right I remember I was taught when I was a kid the healthiest thing you could eat was like a blueberry muffin I know you get a low fat low fat blueberry muffin listen I've been eating a lot of blueberry muffins and they really do make you look like a blueberry muffin it's so weird I love your body no I like my the problem with is that it looks good at all weights so it's hard to lose weight but you also look like you're like [ __ ] strong as [ __ ] I look fertile you're like a yeah you look like a [ __ ] bre house the opposite of barren yeah yeah but the truth no like do you work out hard like are you I do I like to work out a lot I do enjoy working out does that was that ever a thing that like helped you when you were getting over booze was like exercise yeah I I started doing yoga because I was very detached to my femininity obviously you got into this job my feminity but my mom was like my mom's very like sportsy they can't use the word I want to say but um you you know she so she was always very like let's just play sports no dolls all this stuff so I was had no attachment to and then with yoga I kind of got really like girly and it and it helped me and the just the body weight stuff really helped and but now and I like doing Jiu-Jitsu but I'm not [ __ ] doing Jiu-Jitsu during this [ __ ] dude not spitting in each other's mouths dude well you were doing it at um nogee too which is you know you're in like [ __ ] light and stuff yeah it's really close it's so sweaty and so gross I know you can contract it through ball sweat I know perf for sure but you it does improve your immune system that's what's interesting so fun though it was the most fun it's the most fun exercise you're doing math problems on people's bodies it's incredible that is what it's like yeah it's so cool but you know what I wanted to ask you I can't get weights anywhere they don't sell weights anymore I know it's hard what do you mean can you get they you they're sold out of Weights CU everyone's in quarantine oh everyone's trying to get in shape isn't that nuts like cu no gyms are open that's the other thing California all these gyms how many of these gyms are
going to stay open did you see those ridiculous ones those pods where they had like people were branded in like Ser W pods working out unzip I'll get eat some weights tell great you tell me what I need no better than me okay are gyms ever going to be the same well no no I think this is first of all it's gonna yeah maybe but like three years from now it's going to take a while for people to get over this [ __ ] also the online stuff I think that everything a lot of things can exist online and it sucks because it's harder with willpower I think like doing a yoga class on a zoom is very difficult and also for me like I like taking classes because I get competitive as it's health or not you know or like the instructor yelling at you whatever impress whatever the [ __ ] you know yeah yeah that's why the you're not going to get that from Zoom you it's definitely it's like Zoom comedy right right like uh Mark Norman said it was like methadone comedy [ __ ] hell want the real fix it's also it's like we have worked our whole lives to uh you know get precise timing and like a two second delay changes [ __ ] everything you know it's like you know second by second like I was doing uh comedy out of the window at the store and it was like you couldn't have it at the same time and they ended up not being able to do it cuz of Regulation stuff but they had to have a 10-second delay oh and it was well I was doing like a podcast with Eleanor carrian my [ __ ] angel and um we were like joking and stuff but that that delay so I would say something that I was like this is gonna [ __ ] land right and then so she'd be talking I'd be half listening to her and looking at waiting 10 seconds like One Mississippi to and then I look and it would bomb and I'm like [ __ ] it wasn't good like watching it's amazing how we're so conditioned to have that immediate gratification that like clap and then just even on Zoom like doing like talk shows or Zoom podcasts which I really do not like doing just that that one second [ __ ] up the flow in the chemistry everything it's also there's an energy that people have when they're in the room with you like that's one of the things that comedy does that people
don't talk about it's like a hypnosis thing going on there's a sharing of energy the laughs are physically feeling them you're not symbiotic relationship it's like we do need each other and also the energy that the audience gets from each other being shoulder-to-shoulder with another person in that contagious and also like the homec court advantage of you're in my [ __ ] house not you're in your bed snuggled up cozy like with a pillow that's I try to explain to other options by the way where you could just be looking at something else at any time I try to explain to non-comics that if you watch a comedy special like someone's comedy special that's maybe 70% as good as seeing oh yeah very rarely translates first of all it's tough because filming a special is like kind of tense so you're not loose and when you're loose you're funny so it's hard for people to be loose and then it's also weird because the the [ __ ] not being in the room thing is like 30 or 40% it's like this feeling that you get when you're there when you're like you got to see someone live you're there you're having fun it's all happening it's right now high it's right there but when you're watching at home you're just sitting back and you're you're you're alone I was trying to cut out a lot of Applause break and stuff un specials because at home she cuts out the Applause break you know all the standing ovations just got a bit much no but I just mean like when they're there they're going to laugh a little longer at home they're like now move on you know what I mean you don't want to hear that like have them have to hear other people laugh I always add some in you know I'm always like that's that is weird cuz I I have heard that before people adding laugh track it's Maria Bamford did a special for her just her parents in her living room that's so funny we can start shooting specials for small crowds she's hilarious funny that sounds like something she would do too that's very funny she did stand up just for her parents on the couch in their living room that's so funny greata Co I like what a like a uniquely herself self person she is it's just my favorite thing in people everybody tried covid comedy a while ago remember when uh what was the comics name that put that
special out on HBO with no audience at all oh directed directed it oh no no I know um what's that [ __ ] Drew Michael Drew Michael Drew Michael yeah Drew Michael did a a special with no audience and we like it was weird it was weird but it was like he took a swing I always appreciate a swing I always appreciate why I mean because it's a different thing right there used to be like live performances that weren't really standup like do you remember Eric bosan yes yeah he used to do these live performance that were they were not really standup they were these things you know they were these stories you would tell right yeah remember that yeah I remember that do you remember there was this guy Josh fatum did you ever know him yes he's so funny wild he would do crazy [ __ ] like he would go on stage and just like run in place and it was like so weird and like not funny and then he would just like keep doing it and like people would start walking out and then he was just like keep running in place and then by 3 minutes in you're dying laughing and you have no idea why yeah he he'll do a thing where he like accidentally [ __ ] up the mic and it falls apart and he's like and but it's so funny it gets like Tangled Up in it and it's like you want to hate it honestly like as a comic like I'm looking at your face like you want to hate it but it's so like it's charmingly funny it's just some weird like thought exercise or performance art or something Reggie Watts too like he learned how to make sounds funny do you know what I mean like yeah Reggie can do so many different things the thing about Reggie is he's like Josh fed's big moment was 10c it looked like there was a shooting at a [ __ ] comedy club that was the worst video I've ever seen you can even see him what kind of lights are they Josh you had a shot Jamie really blew it for you that in Mitsy Shore Sex Dungeon what was that video the darkness of the stage is confusing like do they not want the comedians did you like how dark the main room got when do you remember what I'm talking about when they just the week before but then they put those like lights up those like crazy LED lights I think I liked it I was getting used to it it looked the pictures looked
beautiful that Troy was taking when do you guys think it comes back we're guessing like everything we're talking about I had booked the La Hoya Comedy Store for two weeks and shut down um I think it's going to be six months to a year full Year woo full year I just moved my tour to fall 2021 theaters wo if someone can figure out the ventilation system if there's some I don't know why this we're not figuring this out well if someone comes up with a rapid test that's going to fix everything that's right right rapid test you test someone as they're walking in it's a long ass line Line's going to take a lot longer than it will normally but you could have holding rooms right you know it would be amazing you could have you would completely get rid of the virus if you could do that like how long is it going to take for our emotional trauma to heal of like remember the days when you would just be in a comedy club and a waitress in the dark would hand you a drink with a straw and you just put it right your M everything's going to be different our whole earth is going to be different I mean imagine just taking a drink from a girl at a bar and putting it in your mouth fouchy was saying that we're not going to be able to shake hands anymore we're not going to be able to date rape drug people anymore it's like so upsetting you can't slip me the drug anymore I mean it's like what is this doing to our our brains just in terms of making us go closer and closer to Virtual Reality yeah for sure don't you think it's like an ego death I feel like we've all been forced into this epic dose of mushrooms that we didn't mean to take and it's like everyone has to face their mortality which I think is all we're doing all day anyway now it's like oh we're watching death we're there's the death of our of being entertained there's the death of going out there's the death of meeting people the death of shaking hands the death of actual people and I think it was Tim Dylan and I were talking about how like 911 everyone's like comparing this to 911 in some ways in the fact that it's just like a trauma but 911 like brought us together you know it was like there was this like let's go out till 2:00 in the morning they're not going to [ __ ] win and
everyone was instantly friends with each other and now everyone's instant enemies with each other I walked down the street and people like where the [ __ ] put your pull [ __ ] Mas the MK stuff is so funny people are so crazy the MK stuff is crazy their default is [ __ ] you it's like outside in the sun like hey man it's not even possible you don't even know what this is dude there was a guy I went to Venice Beach and there was a guy in a wheelchair who and I used to work with kids with special needs so I always like to make icon say hello to pass the one sentence that makes you the most likable oh I was a special ed whatever no big deal I'm a hero uh gave it up to tell dick jokes to do God's work but um so I always like to acknowledge cuz there's such people don't want to be rude so they don't want to stare and then they're never looked at they're never talked about that's why I'm always like do jokes about people in wheel like do like do like make them a part of things they're equal you'll joke about them of course yeah it's like there's no punching down like shut the [ __ ] up but so um so I was like I I was doing my little like aren't I a good citizen like eye contacted this guy and he goes where your [ __ ] Mas [ __ ] and I was like oh okay and it was because I gave him the eye cont dect it was so funny I like I was try it was one of my Vlog days my new Vlog only on patreon and um but and it was like I just turned the thing off cuz I didn't want to focus on I didn't want to be like I'm videotaping a guy in a whech but it literally been the funniest thing that's ever happened it's amazing that [ __ ] is the most offensive word but if someone calls me a [ __ ] it's so funny Daddy it's so funny like we need a new word cuz if a guy calls me a [ __ ] like I'll start laughing works on enough women though there's not enough her immunity we need her immunity for CT know I've got the antibodies because I've been in comedy I've got the antibodies if a guy calls you a [ __ ] like it's just so funny to me that's what we're saying the other night like someone said [ __ ] and both of us were like Dad Papa where are you it's such a good word it's so good it's short it's cutting yeah it's got a tea at the end of it I still like [ __ ] [ __ ] is still pretty good for me if someone calls me
[ __ ] I'm like damn [ __ ] is softer than [ __ ] though yeah for sure as a sound the thing is like the the thing about [ __ ] is the sound T that is sharp it's razor sharp calling a guy a [ __ ] is always like good he's such a [ __ ] like love that word I use it 90% of the time for men man [ __ ] I called it men [ __ ] yeah but if a guy calls me a [ __ ] there's something so '90s about it there's something so retro about it you know when you go to England and Australia though they toss it around like a beach ball that's what's weird and then [ __ ] is their [ __ ] right I don't know what is their [ __ ] Fanny is they don't they don't use it that much for girls though they use it for each other you know yeah it's a jokey term like hey [ __ ] what's up [ __ ] like they hey man what's up [ __ ] he's a good [ __ ] like he's a good [ __ ] is a normal thing for them to say so it feels so you [ __ ] [ __ ] but they came over here and they you know they realized that oh Jesus I got to remap my my language yeah cuz [ __ ] is like a different thing over here it's dangerous the one that gets me is [ __ ] face I can't think of one that gets me I can't I there is one but I can't think of [ __ ] face you can get away with too and it's got but it's got so much power [ __ ] face [ __ ] face the thing that throws me actually is when other women call me hooker or [ __ ] when a girl's like hey [ __ ] I'm like Jesus that that always disorganizes me well what if it's your friend so it's like hey hooker hey [ __ ] girls girls been doing that for a while they were calling each other a hooker well sometimes like you're a [ __ ] like sometimes it's like wow you are a [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah but doing funny do we're confus we're saying guys can't call us this but no wonder they're confused that anymore close your legs you've been [ __ ] like a [ __ ] the whole time can you like are you being a boy or a [ __ ] these chairs I think are like ergonomic chairs I think they're to give birth in or something I don't know what's happening I feel they're good for your back is this a cian what's happening these chairs are the best yeah I feel like I get out of here and my my posture is always like so much better so I think we came to a serious conclusion that you guys need your own show like legitimately okay what are we going to
do here I think you legitimately need to do it can we have the SAA toe and everything have it what are we going to do are we going to take calls or give advice care what they say yeah maybe we trauma bond with someone calls in and we trauma bond with them you guys need like a neon sign behind you I want that says Annie [ __ ] Letterman so bad behind me on my podcast I want it so bad I'm put call Letterman podcast I if anybody wants to buy me that neon pay for my eggs to get frozen I will I'll pay I'll pay to freeze your eggs or you can have my friend you fre your 20 grand wow that's pretty cheap yeah that's cheapap to you to freze so cool my friend so rich yeah I thought it would be I thought it was you can name if it's a boy you can name it and if it's a girl you can name it nice okay all right I'm going to name it Butch if it's a girl it will be I'm gonna name it [ __ ] Annie's little Frozen [ __ ] Annie's little Frozen [ __ ] that should be the name of you next special oh my God you do a special about getting your eggs frozen name it fisty you want kids maybe yeah you should have a kid maybe I feel like I'd be a really I think I went through so much I think I'd be a really good mom my my nieces are like my [ __ ] favorite my nephews too I love them so much I don't want to say I don't but I talk to my nieces and nephews every day I love them my nieces is eight we've been P we just started becoming pen pals I've Le video for it came the letter it came it's like so cute now that the mail is going to be canceled well they don't I know just when we be yeah but um and my little niece who's four she uh oh my oh my God my 8-year-old sent me I gave her a snow globe of Hollywood and I was like whenever you miss me they're in Boston I'm like whenever you miss me just think about and so she sent me it was four years ago I sent it to her and she sent me a picture of the snow glob and she goes I think about you all the time auntie I miss you so much it's like I'm want to get those rapid tests come there is something happens like I that biological clock shit's real I look at babies and I'm like I want to [ __ ] put that baby in my mouth I also look at that's sorry not in this climate Whitney I don't
I just want to like I have like a compulsion when I see I just want to squeeze them yes I just I don't want to miss out on like the experience like we are on this Earth to have kids I don't it doesn't look that fun to me to Hon women's only purpose is to Bear children an you know this but it does it doesn't look that F you know my friends seem very happy and tired but it does seem like a lot and but I just when I look at my so I have two brothers my twin brother has two girls and my older brother has two boys so I'll have a hermaphrodite but um it's like a perfect like it's just like they're so perfect they're so cute I see other people's kids I'm like I want that kid yeah I love them and I I just school to be back in session I think I would be I think I would I think it took a while be a lot of fun you be a fun mom I do have a a compulsion to adopt though I don't know it's I rescue animals so much that it's sort of is like is that kind of like getting your kid from a breeder getting your kid from a bre ridiculous shouldn't I adopt a kid too wait did you see that CA the the singer adopted like 18 and 19-year-old two black guys uhhuh okay like she adopted I don't know how you adopt a grown man she just did I thought I didn't know you could adopt people that were over 18 maybe they they got some weird thing they're doing I'm like if they're not that's everyy she she's like 40 something I think every guy you've ever dated has basically been an adoption I know like you pay for them you take care of my men like I like my dog how many comedians do you think you've dated um like three uhhuh isn't it weird that I haven't dated any comedians no it's smart no it's I honestly and I think I'm done with like I I'm like I think I went through all the ones one ever when I was open Miker and I was like oh she's like me but it is fun can't do this it's constant BS it is fun it's really fun is there a little bit of a like whose bit is that as mine like when you're in a fight um I guess you could if you were you were like if you like sort of uh workshopped a bit together I say I would be like can I have that or if you take it I'm going to tell people you raped me sorry there's a weird relationship though when a woman comic and a male
comic get together and then one of them is wri and the other one's jokes and you can tell and you're like oh that's her writing oh that's his writing and I'm the worst because if I write a joke for someone weird they're a hybrid if I write a joke for someone and I'm in the back of the room and someone's like doing the bit and it gets the biggest laugh obviously because that really does happen because I'm so good but you're a great joke writer no but I like I I cannot help but going like I [ __ ] wrote that like I know it's so sh but I'm like I'm I just want stitches I'm like I'm so sorry Gavin Newsome do I get money if I rat out that I wrote that joke Garcetti is the one who wants to give you money garetti but have you ever dated a comedian I think if I was dating comic and I saw them do poorly I wouldn't be able to [ __ ] them again I would be rough rough if I don't respect someone I have a hard time well I wouldn't like yeah you can't like openly date somebody you don't respect if you're dating a girl and she's a comic and she sucks that is going to be rough too for a guy as well right and then all of a sudden she gets real good then she passes you using your jokes that' be rough but I I don't know it is it's a fun experience like I do remember that but you can also do that in just friendships with Comics but I just have so many people I call about jokes it's so fun but I for me I had some darwinian instinct to be like do not piss where you eat like do not toxify this environment this is the only place you feel safe this is the only place that's like why any of these guys if they ever like DM me I'm always like E I think some girls though they feel like no one gets them but comics and that's why you see Girl Comics wind up with male Comics cuz like for a woman to be the funny one I think there's a lot of guys that are intimidated by that like if a guy was a regular guy with a regular job and he's dating a funny comic who's going on stage murdering at The Comedy Store in the main room like that's hard but there's plenty of guys that don't feel that way so it's just like the ones who wear ball gags wow you really know how far up that ball gag goes Joe and that Panama we do have to wear strapons no I just I think it's a different kind of person but
there's a lot of guys who can't for sure I mean everybody's different but there are a lot of guys who have a problem with the woman being the funny one well also you have to this happens a lot where a guy who has nothing to do with comedy is like really into you and you're like oh great like a man they and then they go no no no no they've seen you do stand up and they're like into it and then they go you know I always kind of wanted to get in a comedy and you're like get out of my house forever get out of this car I'm living in get out of this car I live in had that happen so many times they only dating you they wanted to get into comedy and you're established or maybe it's both you know Kurt told me this cuz I used to always feel like if someone hit on me they didn't think I was funny or something and he's like they could be hitting on you because they like that you're funny but here's the difference between men and women right here and there because if there was a guy and he's dating a girl and she's like you know I always thought about doing comedy the guy would be like you should they'd be so stupid they wouldn't even realize the girls [ __ ] them just to get into comedy they would have no idea be like yeah you should do it you're funny yeah they don't care as long as the guy the girl lets the guy [ __ ] her he's going to be like yeah get comedy I'll help you write jokes it's not even like saying I don't want you to be a comedian it's just saying I don't want to date an open micer like so you're going to STK you're going to humiliate Me by being the worst comedian in the room this is the difference between men and women if a girl's hot a guy will still [ __ ] her even if she's an open micer you'll take her to the show if you're some dude who's like a a headliner on the road you're doing theaters and you got this really pretty girlfriend all a sudden wants to be you're like yeah why not and I think I [ __ ] myself a couple times because I always felt like okay don't emasculate this guy laugh at his joke so I would laugh his jokes that weren't funny and then he be like well if she thinks I'm funny I must be hilarious then he want to start doing stand up I'm too on the Spectrum to do that I have a lot of trouble fake laughing like I really I'm like my face
is like I like look at them I remember Tony once being like I see what you're doing you're not laughing and I was like Tony it just was like too punny in this moment and I just like can't fake laughon not that Tony's not the [ __ ] funny emper of puns there's no no one has better puns than Tony H over this quarantine I've gotten so close with Tony I love I get him I love him he's awesome I I accept his craziness like I remember before I remember when Tony smoke when Tony didn't he go vegan isn't he vegan now or something he was vegan then he started eating meat I remember when he was in bad shape I remember when he was a door guy and he was like a mess and I used to yell at him to stop smoking cigarettes he thought that uh being vegan was going to help him like he lost seemed like it was yeah but he doesn't need to lose weight he's such a thin guy yeah he's tiny he's got a crazy metabolism like he can eat everything and just go just burns off them yeah he's gonna be so happy we're talking about him I love that dude he knows I love him though him do you know who Mitch burrow is he's a he's at the comedy store too he's so funny he's a door guy he's so funny though he's one of the guys that like that's his way into the comedy store well we were talking about that when we were doing the documentary too it's one of the coolest things about the store is that everybody gets treated like a the people the people that work the cover Booth it doesn't matter if you're if you're a comic you're a comic and we a lot of us like whether it's Duncan or Ari or so many of these people started out as door people so many guys so many guys and I think the the common an nominator in the comedy Star Comics is these are people that want it and at all [ __ ] costs like when people like you're a comedy star comic that place is toxic it's like you're throwing [ __ ] around like that I spent from 5:00 p.m. to 2: in the morning every night for like 4 years like you know it's sort of like the amount of time we put in it's not toxic it's a wild place and sometimes weird [ __ ] happens there and sometimes you know it's annoying and sometimes people bomb and sometimes people feel like they bomb because the person before them was too gross or to this or to that there's a lot look it's it's a [ __ ]
dangerous place like I've had shitty sets it's a night club like one of when you remember when uh there was all of a sudden like a wave of white female medians in the middle of black lives matter going like Oh wait we're victims of being treated badly by male Comics it was just like we don't want to post about black lives matter anymore it's embarrassing it's making us uncomfortable women couldn't like black people have we're we're the victims again so so I um one girl had written something where she was like I you know and I have to have male Comics walk me to my car at the end of the night and it's like okay wait so they're nice enough to walk to you're saying the night it's not comedy that's dangerous the nighttime is dangerous darkness is dangerous clubs nightclubs where people drink dangerous I mean I I would I not want to be a woman I would not want to be someone who someone wants to [ __ ] all the time and you walking by like if you have personalities like us no one wants run we've our people Ru the day they molested me I'll tell you that don't you worry we do a great job of repelling that I think it's harder I think it's harder I mean there's some aspects of being a man I'm sure that are probably more difficult but I think overall the physical vulnerability part is huge it's definitely huge in a confidence business right because the thing about standup is a lot of it it's a confidence business well I definitely started wanting to become a weapon like I was like when I started doing j- jits and stuff I was like this is how it's supposed to be like and I remember during the me too movement and stuff I was always like there's something missing here where it's like a conversation with young girls about like learning to be to stand up for yourselves and be strong and it's not victim you would get called victim shaming and it's like no it's about you have no control over the outside world so it's protect yourself as much as you can when I was blackout drunk I was literally I was my own bodyguard leaving to go to the bathroom for [ __ ] 6 hours and my body's just there it's like you need like to me it's like becoming the strongest I can be whether I'm a woman or I'm a man and like being able
to because Tate years ago was like if I was a woman I'd want to be the strongest woman in the world I was like Tate I just want to be hot like what are you talking about I'm trying to get a six pack to be cute but now I get it I got to that age where I went oh yeah like I want to be able to [ __ ] people up if they come at me and also I think it's like just getting your intu on point you know it's like that gav de Becker book that gift of fear I read that and it changed my life because it was like I think when you're told for so long I think the the part that gets tricky is that Insidious like people telling you you're crazy you're psycho you're too emotional you're too sensitive like calm down relax hearing that for so long my programming was the most [ __ ] up thing CU When I did actually feel someone being dangerous I would override my intuition be like I'm just being dramatic or I'm just being crazy or I don't want to accuse this person of something I got into trouble that way in that book he talks about all the women that he interviewed that had either been attacked or assaulted they always said I knew something was [ __ ] off about that guy they knew it even though he was helping them with their groceries or opening the door for them they were like I F my body knew there was something off about that guy I think there's something really dangerous about not about having a very limited amount of experience with crazy people or with dangerous people because you don't know real violent people or real dangerous people you haven't been around them and so you don't know that you could just run into them you could take a wrong turn on Fourth Street and all of a sudden there's a violent crazy person and you don't know what they're like you don't know to get away you want to be nice like you don't like there's this instinct to be nice I don't know if it's taught to us or whatever but it's like you want you don't want to be rude to somebody want be an [ __ ] but it's like it doesn't like what I want like what I'm so glad I learned and what I would want to impart upon my nieces and even my nephews it's like your safety and your and it doesn't even have to be physical safety your emotional safety you're like what you want is the most important thing for you so that's why
boundaries aren't bad you know it's just like set them up and like but for me like when we go through The Comedy Store anyone who's ostensibly crazy I'm usually not scared of those people the people advertising they're crazy those are the people you have to worry about it's the quiet person in the corner you're not hearing anything from well it's a lot of times it's guy friends right there's a guy who's cool but then he's got a friend who's [ __ ] up and he doesn't know his friends [ __ ] up yeah and you know and you're around this person all the time and they're slowly getting closer and closer to you and look it's men can be [ __ ] really scary I've met a lot of men that are scary human beings and capable of violence like real like when you hear about someone murdering somebody you knew that person who murdered somebody that's a tricky feeling you're like whoa but that's why building up your own [ __ ] is so important because you can't control a crazy person outside of you so like all these things where it's like men need to stop it's like yes of course but also how do we protect ourselves how do we it's not men though it's those men those men the particular people that are doing these awful things to people the particular murderers or rapists or theves it's it's like we have a real problem with lumping people into groups and we are so disconnected from our intuition cuz I'll have it sometimes like a woman will come up to me and a meet and greet and I'm like I have a weird feeling about this person I I can't tell you why I can't articulate it I know ostenil be the person seems really nice I have a weird feeling about this I need this person to to go you know whereas other people are grabbing me and shaking me and I feel fine but this person like just being able to like you never [ __ ] know you never know we can't look at each other as groups because we're going to have blind spots you're going to have these believe all blind spots or believe all men blind spots those are bad they're bad and some people just fix on you fix on you get obsessed through social media there was a girl that was U like a runner up on American Idol she was doing a meet and greet and someone just walked up and shot her crazy person who thought they
knew her I had someone I had a security issue with someone who thought they were emailing with me for 4 months they thought we had a relationship you know and when you're in that kind of situ about that I wanted to be I swore it was a different Whitney I don't know but and then everything you're posting on social media feeds into their a that you're connect they think you're talking to them there's a lot of [ __ ] schizophrenics out there yeah there's a lot of really sick people out there 1% of people in this country are schizophrenic yeah I think that's the right number see if that's the right number I mean is what percentage of people what would you guess what percentage of people are schizophrenic schizophrenic I mean it's sort of diagnosed I love these guing games these are the kind of people I know it's like these are the kind of people that are like going out of their way to get evaluated Yeah well yeah right there's probably more than that yeah I was going to say it's probably going to be a little bit more than whatever it would be what would you think it would be 2% I don't [ __ ] gu you should so much of this stuff we're talking about you this has been a long intervention this whole [ __ ] show so much of this are you talking to me or you talking to me underdiagnosed for me so much of this [ __ ] is so underdiagnosed though right 1% 2% it says estimated 1.1% and these are just the people that have gone in for medical attention 4% have God knows the ones running around gone untreated I need a% the 1.1% they roughly estimate they add in 40% The Comedy Store wow that's 100% I got to tell you I have bought a lot of shirts from Boon I will say that I love I buy so many shirts he been around a long I was so happy to see that he wasn't cuz I was you get scared about people like that these like older weirdos where you're like where do you live nothing to lose your like job is to hand people's shirts where I don't even know where you got them from but I saw the so happy walking flea market I was like my one of my crazies is still here listen kids let's wrap this up we're at more than 3 hours ridiculous I have to be so my water's about to break I think you guys agree
right you should do a show together it's you guys have epic chemistry a it would be the best show I'm and these two chicks shows are so hot right now hot hot I don't like you saying that right now like we're some sort of two Cy chicks two chicks both have problems wait you have to be my Jamie though camera I how often is it that you see female Comics getting along publicly and supporting each other I have like my girl that's this thing when they make it like this Oprah I'm Every Woman [ __ ] it's like no no no I'm not friends with all female Comics just because we're automatically female Comics but I have little Esther I talk to every day I talk to you all the [ __ ] time Bonnie McFarland I I not relationship those are all funny people that's what you have in common little Esther's hilarious Bon McFarland's hilarious these are funny comedian they're so funny and they're so it's just so fun it's and we don't feel competitive I mean there's a lot of like pitting each other against each other competitive [ __ ] that's just like interest in that don't think what we were talking about at the comedy store the other night really does hold true that this is the least competitive era of any era of comedy and the most supportive we entrepreneurs right but we we support each other because of the internet because there's not limited amount of slots like this is the thing that we were talking about with Jay Leno like back in his day there was only one host of The Tonight Show that's right and everybody wanted that spot when Johnny Carson left there was a lot of people that wanted that spot well there was one then there was another then it went back to that one and but there's also you've shown us that helping other Comics helps you there there's plenty of pieces of pie you know like we love Papa we love Pap I love you guys you're so it's like you should be such a piece of [ __ ] you have so much money how are you not a monster how are you so [ __ ] cool [ __ ] crazy I think we should say really quick like I do think it's important to say like as we go into this like next chapter of like Joe Rogan that a lot of people I think I think a lot of people assume that like if someone's on your podcast that means they're famous like you've had a lot of you have made a
lot of comedians lives by having them come on this podcast it's going to make I'm happy to do it you probably saved people's lives letting them come on this podcast I moved out of my car Annie would be dead if it wasn't for you she would be sucking a dick I moved out of my car because they came to repress she'd be [ __ ] some guy in a wheelchair down in Venice but I mean truly I think a lot of people don't necessarily understand because this gets so many millions of views that like a lot of comics you've have have had on here are like truly homeless and he's a by the way he's uncomfortable with this which is because you're cool you H you have truly given people careers you have given people their lives their sanity their following I mean it's really it's a big deal it's a big deal it just made sense it didn't it didn't seem like anything I ever had to think about I just wanted to help and I knew I could help so I just take funny people and put them on and you still do it I still do I just did allly was on last week she was awesome so now everybody knows how funny she is that that's what we're all supposed to do like we used to wait for a Tonight Show or we would wait for an HBO special that's what we used to wait for we don't have to do that any we help each other and it helps me too because then people trust me more they're like oh he knows funny people like these people he gets on are funny like like so they know like I'm not trying to give you a bad show I have someone on it's cuz they're cool they're it's like so many comedians get really famous and successful and stop hanging out with other comedians or stop helping other comedians we see it a lot yeah because everybody gets this is what it is because I I'll tell you because I felt it myself but I just realized what it was and I stopped the think the thought process you get scared because you have so much you're like oh my God it's so much everything's so much like well I I want to keep this going in I want to keep this keep this gravy train rolling I'm going to stop stop saying [ __ ] up things maybe stoop doing podcast of comics just concentrating on scientists you could think you could really start thinking like that and I know people that have done it and a lot of famous comedians they get to a
certain point they don't want to take any chances anymore so they don't take chances with their material the things that got them to the dance now they're avoiding now they want to like play it safer slow it down a little bit it's just not good for you and I saw it though felt it I felt it as the podcast started ramping up I'm like hm but you you just got to do it you just got to keep doing it the way to do it is you get high you get drunk sometimes you talk [ __ ] you have fun you talk to scientists you talk to you know really interesting people that are authors and adventurers and like yeah you just do what you did that's so that's all I'm doing but to be able to help Comics is probably the best part of it for me because I love I love watching it happen I love watching people do have a career you know because I know they can like all of us that are good you get to a certain point where you're making people laugh and you're good if you're dedicated to it you can have a career you just need to somehow or another be like not not even Mentor just someone opens the door for you someone says come on in show everybody how cool you are and you also pioneered a sort of career and an art form that a lot of people wouldn't have known to do that have given them their livelihood a lot of comedians who weren't going to get that 5 minutes spot The Tonight Show a lot of those comedians who weren't going to get that sitcom like you paved a new route for also what if you didn't have a podcast and then none of us had podcasts and then this [ __ ] quarantine happened and we would just be like like sitting waiting for auditions or called me up he's like thank God you talk me into doing a podcast Dell too like Dell was like he started it in the car right after or before you did you're truly feeding people's kids me everybody who's a comic you're feeding my eggs your fure froan dysfunctional [ __ ] if you have ability to do a podcast why wouldn't you why wouldn't you like let people know like more about how you think and more about what you're interested in it's so interest because my podcast is only like I have like 30 something episodes and it's um you know sometimes I interview and sometimes I don't but there's people it's all been all called and letter it's called me inspiration you're very sh and
you don't want to promote your I'm not aggressive no but I want to start doing more like there's these people who's like they have therapy podcasts and stuff and these different types of people that I would love to interview like I want to do more like the people that I love rather than just comedians or whatever I have a podcast too but I'm pretty successful so follow Annie instead have enough her podcast is called this is what her podcast is called it's called good for you but Annie needs it more so give it to her I have to PE so bad okay let's wrap this up everybody has to I love you too thanks for doing this I'm glad you guys are going to do this podcast I'm going to help it's going to be good I'm to it wait goodbye everybody bye woo so f [Music] [Music]