Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eZnbWTb1YE
the jurogan experience but it seems like the difficulty of combat is way more intense and way more insane and obviously way more intense way more insane but way more difficult to overcome and to learn things from it's like it seems like for a lot of the combat veterans that i talk to their their experiences are kind of like burned in their brain in some way where it's not like you're sure i'm sure they're stronger because of the adversity they've been through but also some of it is too much and it just leaves them shooken yeah you know they used to call it shell shock remember i mean that's what they used to call it before it was ptsd but troops were coming back from vietnam they called them [ __ ] shell shocked and i i mean i think that was me for a long time for sure i mean it was me for a long time like did you get counseling for that did you like how did you i went to mexico what was in mexico um i went down and i did ibogaine oh um did we talk about that the first time you were on the podcast no i think i did afterwards oh really interesting um but yeah i know i went to how was that it gave me my life back i mean it gave me my life back like uh i went down and um i just got to the end and i talked about in this book you know i was going through my divorce um i gosh i did you talk about not knowing what was next i mean literally you know just gosh i was just i was melting down just melting down from the inside and and finally like one of my friends looked at me and it's like he's like hey i just went and did this um this is the date you're going you need to go do this and it's at that point like you know i grew up in in kentucky and i i i mean i grew up with weed is bad right i mean all this right you know what i mean and and for me it was just such a
it was just such a to think that i was gonna go do psychedelics right it was just like such a like it was like a moral thing for me right i mean it was a moral moral um dilemma dilemma yeah and um but i mean it was all i had left and i knew that for my daughters i needed to do something can you describe the experience yeah i mean i went down and uh where did you go to well i flew into san diego and then we just went across the border somewhere i don't like i was like close to tijuana a little south of that like start with a e so um i don't know where it was but went down there and uh took it took dive again like 8 p.m at night on friday and i kicked in like an hour later and it was it was like i was walking through this this um like gloomy city i was kind of walking through a gloomy city like it like overcast does that make sense yeah and i just remember like i went into this one room and it was like i mean i could see the street signs and everything like i went in this one room and i walked out on the stage and there was like all these people in this room it was like they were going by like um you know like those old slide like slide shows like they're just spinning by and i was seeing these people and i was in there and i just felt this like discipline everybody was disappointed in me and um like i see all these people and i just felt like all this disappointment i was like running around like going up to people like why like what did i do what can i fix like how can i fix this like what did i do wrong like i'm sorry and it was like all these people that that i just people in my life like i could see their faces people in my life that i've tried so hard to be good enough for and you just you hit it you ain't gonna be good enough for them right and uh and so i left that room i was in there
for a few hours and um i left that room and then i was walking through the town and i would go up and i would look at these like the uh like these fuel gauges i could see these fuel gauges and they were like it had e for empty uh or yeah e for empty and then f would meant like finished and everything was like this far from finished it was like i never finished anything and then um i seen this like beautiful ball light and i went to it and in it was like my daughter's playing and i just felt like so much peace um and then there was like obviously like different moments of i never forget this one moment in it i uh i just like i almost like oh cause i mean you could see i mean i could like open my eyes i mean it was really blurry but like i was i was present right and i was gonna just ask the doctor like i was like i just don't want to be here anymore like i can't do this and uh i i knew that he was going to say there's nothing i can do about it so i stayed there and i just remember it breaking my ego i remember focusing on my you i remember like fighting it just like just realizing that that all this was ego that my ego just the best way to describe it was like it didn't make me like you know like when you drink like you kind of feel numb this is like my soul like it was like it was just it just like it was like my soul had gone through a workout like like a workout on it right like just an ass kicking workout and uh it just broke my ego you know like it just it just showed me so much about my ego and there was just i just remember like at one point i was like i don't care i don't even care anymore i don't care what people think i don't care like i'm i'm not gonna live
by what people think i just i remember just like just all i could just say back and forth was i don't care i don't care this is why you were tripping while i was tripping and so i was on it until from 8 p.m on friday night and i came out of it at like 2 or 3 p.m on saturday wow and uh i came out of it and i was mad the guy that sent me there i was so mad at i was like i didn't need this i was like i didn't need to feel like this i felt terrible um why are you mad at him well because i was like you know you you sent you told me this is going to help me and i didn't need to see all my problems right it kind of like just brought my problems out and made me look at them and realized that that i need to do something to change these and so why would you be mad at him then well i was mad because he sent me there and i thought he was going to help me and i felt like it made me worse right in that moment you did in that moment and then i did dmt the next day 5meo and it was it that was what brought it all together um the next day we did 5 meo and i was so like i was down i was depressed i was like upset because it just like i just i was like gosh i just didn't need to see all this but i don't understand if you think it's beneficial why were you upset at him that you did why and why'd you think you didn't need to see it well what i'm saying is all of it together was beneficial that that bible game by itself wasn't the ibogaine well i mean no i think it opened pandora's box for me right like because it made you think about things yeah but isn't it better maybe to think about them than to suppress them in the back your head um i mean the experience like it just it was like an ass kicking right like it was just like it was like the ultimate ass kicking it was miserable like i was throwing up i'm saying it's good for you i'm saying like but when i put it together with the dmt and i did the dmt the next day it brought it all back together right like you know after i did the dmt
i'll never forget like we i took you know i took the hit of it and i laid back and it was like i was gone through this tube it was just like this tube like almost like a water slide right right yeah i've done it and um you feel like you're in the center of the universe or something like you don't exist anymore it was beautiful it was so beautiful like the white that i seen was like there's no white there's no the color here that could ever do like same right um it's so beautiful i felt so much love like it was like pure love it was like how i felt like whenever i met my kids you know like whenever i was there when when hatley was born when i met sailor like the love that i have for them it was like that but times a million you could just feel it it was like so good like it just showed that like there is good and for me i put it together and it's like it's inside me good's inside of us feeling good like like those good things are inside of us and it's just our ego that keeps us from feeling and being happy so the ibogaine gave you this understanding of all the conflicts that you've caused and whether it's interrelational with other people or even with yourself by not finishing things not following through on things yeah do you think that it was trying to show you that some part of your problems lie in the fact that maybe you don't respect your own efforts like when you when you look at that you haven't finished things do you think like it was showing you that you don't have a respect for yourself because you you don't respect the the effort that you put into things yeah i think it showed me that like yeah i mean i think it i think i think it showed me that like yes i don't right like i don't i look at i look at everything as well if you do good well that was what you're supposed to do
right and if you like the only thing that i've and i still i still struggle with it right like the only thing that i feel is like whenever i mess up you know like like if i just i live in this mindset of well i can always be better so i just you know like i stay focused on that aspect of it of like what did i do wrong and it's a hard thing it's a hard balance um because i always want to be better i always want to be i always want to be better i want to give you my best and you know like i so i think that that was what it kind of showed me was that hey you know like like it's it's okay to you know you can do your best and as long as you do your best that's what matters as long as your intent is good that's what matters like you're gonna mess up like that's normal and i think it was like it gave me like i don't know maybe a little grace on myself of you know because i just have this i have this problem of i i just always want to do more you know i always want to do more for people you know and it's just it's like i don't know like it's it plays against me a lot you always want to do more for people do you always want to do more for yourself as well do you always want to do more in terms of like the effort that you put towards things like when you say you always want to do more is it just with doing things for people i mean yeah i mean like i i don't i mean like the more i can help myself the more i can help people you know like i i like if i could do anything in the world like i would take all the pain off of everybody else right like i don't i don't want anybody hurt you know and and i just i think that everything that i do is about trying to help people you know like that's kind of what what i
i find fulfilling is seeing people happy well that's a beautiful thing man i mean that's a great way to think about life too if you enjoy making people happy and you know how to make people happy you know there's things you can do that can enhance people's happiness