we start getting towards the end of this deployment and obviously mark got killed on august 2nd and and then september 29th um mikey gets killed yeah and we’re i mean we’re we’re not we’re not done operating by any stretch because we did a bunch more operations but it was definitely winding down at that point yeah we had to start thinking about redeployment yeah and uh i mean we’re all packed up i remember because we weren’t out at uh out of cricket or anymore yeah we had the guys that were you were one of the guys that had come back from corregidor as we started trying to filter guys back consolidation i was so mad i had to come back you know i think about every day when i feel this finger because i i you know i cut my finger down to the bone and uh they actually had to cast back me out uh to go get surgery on my finger because i thought i was going to lose it because we tried to work on it across the street at the aids station which those guys are phenomenal combat medics over there and when they were like dude we need a bird for you you’re going to lose your finger um delta platoon commander and the badger were like dude we have yeah absolutely you know so i went back grabbed some gear and um you know i feel that every day just hard um like that was the only op i wasn’t on you know and every time we went out i always said a group prayer for the guys it didn’t matter if it was like hey we have to go right now delta platoon commander or the badger or someone would be like hey we got to get jp real quick and i’d say group prayer and we’d roll and that was the only one that i wasn’t a part of and uh you know mikey was my a dub gunner you know he was always next to me when i was doing my sniper over watches and he was next to me when i was rocking point you know because you needed a dub gunner and jp might have gotten a little crazy towards the last half of the deployment and started walking point with the 300 win mag and mikey was there and i wasn’t there you know and i don’t know so well the good news is you got to go home with him yes yeah gotta escort his body home which was unlike anything else you know you’re like cool you know you get to be a part of that but also at the same time you’re like this is really shitty to be a part of you know what i mean like i don’t know it’s like yeah i wanted to be there and make sure everything went well and i just remember us flying back and just just just staring at the flag over his coffin you know and some guys would you know lay next to the casket and we’d lean up against it yeah it was just getting to bring him home was important to be a part of that but uh you know everybody felt so much guilt and uh we all we all try to keep each other accountable on that you know it’s like hey man this is war you know mikey saved a lot of lives you know and we made an impact over there and so it wasn’t like it was for nothing and what he did i mean the guys lives that he saved they all now have families and kids you know a couple of them had kids mikey had the easy out and just like he always did he never took the easy road he took the harder road the road that would actually make a difference and this time was alive those of those guys around him and it was just the ride back i mean you just thinking about all that and you know it was also kind of a blur as well you know like i remember you know just like just rubbing the flag you know the flag’s always been very important to me i remember graduating how awake and just seeing the flag fly and then you hear the national anthem and just seeing it over one of your boys caskets was just brought a new level of connection and love for that amazing flag that we have and i just remember i just sat there and i just would just rub the flag just rub it you know because i had flags that i carried with me on every deployment every mission i still do that sometimes like my wife amanda will just i’ll be doing something and i’ll find a flag and i’ll just i just kind of rub it and she’s like she knows you know she’s like that’s like my little trigger you know i’m just my trigger point i’m just i started thinking about things again and you know i’ve taught my kids aiden cora and nola to love and respect the flag like whenever they see a flag they’re like daddy daddy it’s your favorite thing daddy it’s daddy’s favorite thing you know they love getting american flag t-shirts and shorts uh they saw some american cowboy boots of course my daughters want those now and i’ve been honest with my kids you know my boy aiden i call my bonus boy he’s my step-son i love him just like mine you know he he asked me about the flag and why is it so important to me and i told him i’m like you know it was it’s been draped over a lot of caskets of my buddies that didn’t make at home that were killed overseas he’s such a special kid he was just like that makes sense and you know and he just he sees a flag and i explained to him why a flag’s at half mass and he’s even said hey i’m sorry that flag’s at half mass like he doesn’t know why but he knows something happened and he knows what it does to me and guys like you or the flag’s at half-mast something horrible has happened and he knows that you know and so i just remember you know we i think he went to bed bethesda and then we continued on to san diego and um just tried to mentally reset for a couple days you know you’re back in san diego it’s awesome but it just didn’t it yeah it had nothing you know because you knew you’re waiting to receive your one of your boys bodies you know so it didn’t matter where we were it didn’t matter we’re in san diego like we didn’t want to be in san diego we want to be back overseas still you know when when we went to habane to put him on the bird and casket was open yeah and we were just filing by you know and i remember you were ahead of me we were walking into like a mill van yeah it wasn’t it wasn’t like a one-way thing it’s a cold no van it’s a cold mill van and you were ahead of me you know you were one you were just you’re literally right ahead of me and you walked in and you know you you you know you took your last look at mike and you put your hand on the on the casket and you turned around and i was right you know we were just looking at each other and when i saw your face the look in your face i was i felt super worried because i could tell that you were tore up and i said to myself hey man jocko you need to get your [ __ ] game together right now and be strong and you were and that’s what we needed and guys like the delta platoon commander super super strong for us but you saw them hurt i mean everybody’s hurting you know it was you know that deployment you can’t not be close with somebody you know especially someone like mikey man like he he knows i like my sleep and so he would make sure i didn’t get my sleep just because mikey didn’t sleep and we were we you know we’re our rooms right next to each other you know i was back in this corner he’s over in this other corner and there’s a sheet of plywood between the two of us and you know he was always like what’s up holmes he’s like hey holmes you sleeping i’m like yeah i’m trying to holmes he’s like he’s like cool and he’d open up the tarp you know the little cammy you know tarp that i had over for my door and just come in and sit on the edge of the bed i’m like what’s up buddy he’s like nothing just want you know you just talk about family stuff and you could tell a lot was on his mind you know and uh he’s like hey you want to watch the newest episode of thirsty traveler my parents sent me the thirsty traveler i was like no but i’m awake so i guess we’re going to watch the thirsty traveler because there’s a couple times where i’d be like hey bro like i’m trying to sleep like just go do your own thing you know what i mean and he had a little hole that he carved into the plywood between our rooms and he would crack kim lights and push them through and they’d fall right next to where i was sleeping and i’m like i’m going to strangle this guy but it was my boy mikey you know like he was my boy um you know we’re real close in the workup and then obviously deployment you know we should ride three bikes together and anyway so deployment he was just fun it was just i say all it says is he did that with everybody yeah it was hard not to be close to him it was uh you know there’s a different connection when you’re at when you’re legitimately at in war with your boys you know that’s why all the army and marine guys that we served with like anytime i see i still see some of them once in a while i randomly ran into one of them up in ohio and i was just like dude and i just i was up there on a sales trip and i just ditched my sales team guys you know because i wanted to hang out with them you know i just and there’s been other trips where i same thing another one my boy nick cobbs you know ran into him i was with my sales team and it’s like come on you know it’s just that connection is just it’s hard to explain i mean you guys know how it is doing jiu jitsu in combat sports where you’re rolling with guys and you you legitimately you’re helping guys cut weight and just all this stuff like there’s that bond in that connection take that times it by a thousand and then add some more and that’s the connection you get with these boys in combat so it it’s real hard i mean and part of it is that’s just who i am like i wear my heart on my sleeve i i just connect and attach to people very closely and you know mikey is just it was it was it was really hard and and that’s the look that i saw on your face that’s the look that i saw on your face i was like and i know i mean obviously i know what kind of personality you have i knew what kind of personality you have and i saw that look of devastation and it was the first time because we’d been together i mean we we were we heard the news we you know but it was the first time that i saw your your look where it was almost like that was the first time that you really realized that mikey was gone that was it yeah maybe i’m right or wrong but from the look in your face i was like okay he he is he is devastated right now and and that’s what i thought to myself and again i mean i i don’t i saw you as my little brother mean for sure i don’t mean that in any kind of derogatory way in any sense but i literally saw you as like my blood little brother yeah and so to see you just devastated like that and i knew that you were looking at me like well okay what’s jocko going to do and i knew that i knew what i had to do yeah was i had to show like listen this is what we do this is who we are get your [ __ ] together jocko and and handle this and not saying i didn’t you know i’m not saying i was a uh a robot yeah but i knew that i had to maintain strength you have to and find that so that you guys could go all right we’re gonna be okay what have we what’s been pounded into our minds since buds win the fight like if you’re in a fight win the fight win the firefight right and right then that our fight was you had to keep the guys together you know that’s why i thought it was self-aid buddy aid right you get shot you get hurt you take care of yourselves because if you’re in a firefight your boys are going to win the fire fight first before they can take care of you that’s just part of it that’s how we operate and you had to do that yeah no doubt i mean that you’re in that highest leadership position like yeah you just and the same thing like i had to get myself together you know just because other guys in the platoon like i thought or at least i felt like they looked up to me as well and you know especially after deployment you know i just you had to keep your stuff together you know and it was just it’s just a weird weird you know i don’t know the first time i ever experienced that you know at that level so
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