Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKHqPssPuAg
[Music] good morning good to see you pal good morning first sip of the hooch of the day for that's not your first cigarette how many cigarettes you've had so far uh to the point where i go maybe i should have brought two packs by the way ladies and gentlemen doug stanhope just found out today that he has had covet just moments ago did you do the regular cover test before you do the show and she says have you had the anti-body one and i said no i because i i always feel like i have coven did you say and i read this people who smoke cigarettes for some reason were like getting it less yeah i i read a lot of those and then i i saw a lot that disputed that so i didn't read the ones i didn't want to hear that news and i read the ones that say yeah yeah that sounds like how i did just news but uh i they also say if you do get it you're more likely to wind up on a [ __ ] respirator which i'm gonna wind up on a respirator at this rate regardless i don't mind if i fast forward the process we've got to fill you up with stem cells get you in a hyperbaric chamber reverse the process just clean you up clean you up from nothing 40 years of smoking bison meat spring water we got you don't worry just put yourself in dr rogan's care we're going to take care of you as i puff on this joint oh i i did uh oh so i'd go to kill tony last night and i i'm up on the you know the judges stand whatever you call it and i'm pretty pickled by then we started with margaritas at 1 30. and now it's nine o'clock and uh after the show some guy tries to give him a bag of edibles and he goes no no thanks though and i go no you always take the drugs even if you don't want them and then you give them to someone else at the thing and go hey i can't fly with this right and then you made two
people really happy one guy's happy that you took his drugs and the other guy's really happy so i go what do they and he said 50 milligrams and i split it i go i took half because i'm a 10 milligram guy i'm tripping my balls off on 10. really yeah and then tony i gave tony the other half and he goes no i don't do weed and i go ah [ __ ] it so i took 50 milligrams and i was drinking enough i drunk enough that i kept forgetting that i was super [ __ ] high [Laughter] i thought i was just too drunk to be in the bar and then then i got back to the room and i'm digging through my bag trying to find any leftover bag of [ __ ] airplane peanuts i might have left behind because i'm too high to be in public and go buy something to eat and there's nothing in the hotel open and i'm just eating [ __ ] gummy bears and salty snack [ __ ] mix and that's one thing i don't get for whatever real weird reason i don't get munchies when i'm high all right i don't know why it's never been a thing i sometimes i will only eat if i take edibles now really i think i get 85 of my calories from liquid boost how much edibles are you taking these days because you were always like a non-weed guy yeah but they made edibles delicious i was hated i always hated like just the taste of smoking it would make me cough like i was one of those guys that coughs on the first puff and then i'm coughing for an hour and then the yuck mouth i got would ruin the taste of cigarettes right i like cigarettes more than being high but edibles is a whole different story yeah i love edibles i love like gummies i love those little gummies because you you know you take them and it's about an hour in they start to like creep into your system and then an hour and a half and you're like oh jesus yeah i love them sometimes for me it'll be three hours sometimes it's 20 minutes it's a totally different drug you know than thc it's a 11 hydroxy metabolite is what it is did you say it [ __ ] with your liver more no it goes through your liver it doesn't [ __ ] with your liver it's not toxic but it's uh it's called the one
pass is what happens when it goes through the liver and it produces this metabolite but it's uh five times more psychoactive than thc so if you have like an equivalent amount like i've given people edibles before and they're like dude this is something this is laced i'm like no that's what happens yeah stuff and i haven't done mushrooms in years but this gives me the same feeling as a good easy mushroom trip yes yes yeah yeah i feel the same way yeah like a light like micro dose mushroom trip is nice man when i was getting canceled that's what i kept doing i just kept doing mushrooms i did mushrooms every day i did them every day and i was just thinking about everything but all the [ __ ] that was going on on you know social media and cnn and all that stuff all i was thinking about was just like it's so nice to get away from that oh my god don't watch don't know don't care i just inhaled a piece of marijuana that's what happens when you blah so apparently abortion's illegal again right what happened what here did you hear what happened not just here no there's a um a leaked memo apparently some someone leaks something that says that they're going to overturn roe v wade uh i don't know if it's real everyone's already commenting on it as if it is real i don't know if it is real but apparently what that means is that it's going to be up to the states so people who live in states where uh abortion is already you know like blue states i don't think they have a worry but uh other states probably do you know it's kind of hey medical tourism yeah that's what's gonna happen yeah it's gonna happen it's it's it's [ __ ] weird man it's it's weird people telling other people what they can and can't do with their body is weird because like texas is a weird law no i shouldn't say a weird one a terrible law where it's six weeks who the [ __ ] knows they're pregnant at six weeks you just missed your period like i just found out i had covered yeah exactly exactly it could have been a baby ago and girls who have irregular
periods that happens all the time i think i don't know i don't have a vagina but uh that's what i hear i hear it happens all the time and so for the longest time you know people have dealt with that and just sort of live their life and take a pregnancy test and now you find out that you're pregnant you literally have like a [ __ ] week to find a place get an abortion if you want to get an abortion make a decision you have to make a decision you know like but the um the thing that i'm thinking of is people that have like if something happens to you like what if you get raped what if uh what if you know anything like that or what if uh you know some uh like a family member molester i used to have a bit about it but it's it's a talking point like how is it how should it be uh okay in cases of rape that's like saying enough fetus is a living thing unless his dad was an [ __ ] right right right right right baby's fault his dad was exactly right how is it the baby's fault that but what if it's your father or something [ __ ] crazy sick you know it's just i just don't lie you know i don't like people telling other people what they can and can't do but it gets weird when the baby gets like six months old you know it gets weird when they're really really pregnant because in some states for the longest i don't know what the rules are now but i know that some states have late term abortions and sometimes you need one for medical reasons right like the woman could die if she gives birth like it's a decision that people have to make well if you look back what was your favorite part of being a fetus ah well what was your favorite part of being three you know should i be able to shoot you at three because i don't want to take care anymore it's one of those things it's like i am 100 for a woman's right to choose but as a human being just as a just a person observing things there's a big difference between a little clump of cells and a fetus with an eyeball and a beating heart
and for anybody to pretend there's not is it's you're not doing any where do you draw the line right where do you draw the line yeah yeah that's the question and it's a it's what i call a human issue it's a very complicated issue it's so fraught with emotion and it's so political there's people outside the supreme court right now that were like chanting and and rattling the cages rattling the fences apparently there's been i thought that they put the fences up because of that but no they put the fences up because a guy in colorado a guy in boulder of course lit himself on fire and killed himself for climate change which is like if you're going to kill yourself why would you light yourself on fire and contribute to climate change literally like contributing to the carbon in the air it's like dude just you know i mean the guy's gone no disrespect compost yourself he meant it he felt it it's a complicated thing but it's another one of those things but it's like 18 to be an adult is a very arbitrary very organized random nature told you you're an adult when you're ready to procreate right but you can't even drink i know but like you you can have a child you can get married you could do all you could fight in a war you're not ready for drinking yet what the [ __ ] is that i know makes no sense when i was a kid it makes worse drugs because yes they always talk about in europe where kids have wine with dinner yeah yeah they're not [ __ ] raging [ __ ] at spring break yeah they're different they're normalized when you take catholic school girls for example you tell them you can't [ __ ] guys stay away boys of the devil the penis is gonna take you straight to hell those girls can't wait to [ __ ] guys they're the horniest girls because well anything that's taboo where they're in high school and they're all when you drove a car before you had a license your brother had let you drive his car and it was completely illegal you loved being stuck in traffic
right yeah it was wee yeah i'm doing something wrong and now you [ __ ] hate driving across town that's true yeah a car used to be well this is some of them are still a ride driving old car it still feels like a ride when i drive like one of my old muscle cars it feels like my own ride doesn't feel like i'm driving it feels like i'm on i'm at disneyland disneyland for adults what do you got what's in your your jay leno garage i don't have that many not like jay leno has like 11 warehouses i just have a couple of muscle cars that's my thing is like old like 1960s 1970s cars those are the ones i love i just i stare at them and i think about them i think when i look at them and i don't just think well that's a cool car i think damn what was life like back then to be a person who's driving this car what did i believe what access to information did i have like but my my entire world view was based upon experiences that i had at college or something i heard from a friend in books and it's hard for us to remember what that kind of life must have been like because we kind of grew up and when we were adults the internet started emerging and then cable news started emerging and there's there was enough alternative perspectives and viewpoints we're getting more information with every year and then all of a sudden with the internet it's like now you have this like tsunami of information that's almost maybe too much sometimes but i just always wonder like what was life like in 1969 for these people growing adults driving a camaro i bought uh i buy all this weird vintage delta stuff because i'm a huge delta guy delta airlines yeah and so on ebay i found uh uh old sky magazines there was the in-flight magazine from the 70s and i and i'll leave them in the seat back pocket when i fly like in 1974 but you're just reading the ads from back then and like seeing things about all those old cars ford granada coming out now yeah uh it's it's just takes you way back yeah i guess
like from the 80s and 90s where do you get them ebay oh wow and uh and i'll read them on the plane just reading old stories is way more fun than reading stories from yesterday yeah it is i mean it's a version of history it's like you're getting a version of history books you're getting it from the actual source of the news that was distributed to the population that you read i mean i think every stand-up comic had to read usa today because they used to flip them at your door in the hotels every morning or have a stack of free ones what was the paper that had the wacky stories there was like what was usa today one of those news of the weird it was like the last page or so was like these wacky stories yeah it was uh the column was called news of the week was that a usa today that's the you know the kind of one where a guy you know got eaten by snake or he [ __ ] a vacuum cleaner and lost his right right right yeah or had to grow i saw a guy grew uh he got his dick something happened and uh got removed from his body and then they had to reattach it and they reattached it to his forearm so he had to let it grow on his forearm until it got enough blood supply or something and then they put it back yeah yeah with fingers and [ __ ] too do you understand that what happened there with that guy do you know what happened i'm sure you know the story you're up on all things getting your dick off cut off right jamie yes [Laughter] but i was i had one uh the headline was where uh this smoking ban on airlines is going to the house for a vote ah i remember those days and reading that while they're doing the non-smoking announcement like do you really still have to keep saying that right isn't that crazy this is this is from 1989 this newspaper that's how long it's been it is crazy when they tell you you can't smoke on a plane like who doesn't know that yeah i just said i used to have a bit where are you it just makes me crazy and you yeah we haven't been able to smoke for i said that's like if you get on a city bus today and they said remember according to federal
regulations colored people can now sit wherever they like i know that everybody knows that why you keep saying it yeah stop saying color too you can you can say colored people but that would be the nomenclature of the day for an announcement oh no i didn't know that but i'm saying how weird is it that you can't say colored people but you could say people of color yeah it's most [ __ ] life doesn't make sense right exactly everyone who's screaming about [ __ ] masks don't do anything i'm not wearing it on a plane well neither does putting your [ __ ] seat in the upright lock position that doesn't do anything all their [ __ ] announcement they don't do anything i think people are they don't like additional new ones like you can have all the ones that make no sense like the seat up and down thing and then there's an additional new one like that's it that's the line i'm not [ __ ] crossed this is where i'm gonna die on this hill yeah you can you'll gladly walk through the scanner so [ __ ] some minimum wage security hack can look at your wife's iud [Laughter] close up and clear but no do you remember they had the one scanners that were showing people's hogs so they decided they had to get rid of it because it was unethical do you remember those like people were complaining yeah you could literally see an outline of your naked body and people were they felt like it was invasive and they were saying no but we can't tell it's you i'm like what the [ __ ] you talk but you still see that guy's dick you're looking at that guy's you're basically looking in a cartoon of that guy's dick it's like an outline like a skeleton image see what what the [ __ ] i know i'm talking about something but i really don't have the proper information but i remember correctly i think i remember that when they here's it tsa removing body scanners that criticize is too revealing yeah i think this is the one but so you could see like if someone has a micropenis or a giant hog virtual strip searches wow they label
them virtual strip searches so this is this one dude in uh he lives in mexico and he's got the biggest dick that's ever been uh measured it's hilarious this guy goes through security and they pat him down they always want to pat him down because they're like what is that he's like that's my dick there's no [ __ ] way there's no way it's it's my arm it's preposterous he has an enormous dick it's so big and this poor guy gets uh he gets touched up every time he goes to the airport i mean he must at this jonah is this the mexican gentleman it might be another guy as an actor oh my god this is an actor oh this is a definitely definitely a different dude so he has the new biggest dick he claims it so maybe the dude in mexico has a [ __ ] piece on him is that a guinness book worthy like do they i think they must measure dicks right i mean it counts you can measure head size why can't you measure dicks does guinness not touch the genitalia it's too naughty i would assume they don't naughty for such data yeah it's the same guy same guy that's the mexican general joke airport security is the thing i added with my search um could you uh just popping up with that uh add world's biggest penis mexico so what happened did he get through did they did he have to show it um i don't i think they just have to touch them and check it out make sure it's just a regular dick mexican man it's a fake oh he lied oh it's a mexican man's penis is fake how dare he 18. he said it was 18 i like how he's so humble he says point nine point nine i mean i mean who's counting hey what i hate when you do that where you read a story and then you repeat it for [ __ ] years and then you find out it was all [ __ ] guy's got a rubber dick he's got a rubber in there bartender you got it sir he's got a rubber dick with uh some cocaine inside of it you see that lady that got arrested at the border and she had a whole like rubber
bag filled with fentanyl no enough fentanyl to [ __ ] light the whole country on fire i mean all of it in her [ __ ] like fentanyl you need the tiniest amounts to [ __ ] people up yeah this lady had like a [ __ ] like a baby the word on the street based on nothing but i've heard is junkies actually want this stuff with fentanyl because it works better is what i've heard well i believe that because it's very strong i mean the amount that can kill you is so tiny that's a big part of the problem i think the most amount of overdose deaths ever was last year if i if i'm see if that's true it's 18 to 49 and i think the hot the number of overdose deaths was over a hundred thousand wow which is crazy yeah [ __ ] people kate quigley thing that was horrible yeah that's horrible they thought they were getting coke and they got coke laced with fentanyl and two or three guys died how many guys died and she barely got through she had to go to the hospital and yeah 100 and 100 300 100 306 drug overdose tests united states during the 12-month period between april 21st an increase of 28.5 percent from the 78 056 deaths during the same period a year before that's crazy yeah the chili's and the brexils just threw a big desert party and uh they brought a drug testing kit yeah it's like i think that's what we need now you know it's like you know businesses have covet tests like mine does yeah you know it's where you go hey well if the government legalized it yes then we would it would be tested it would be under federal regulation but at the same time if you can do it yourself [ __ ] it yeah get your own drug testing kit at the meantime if you do it yourself you you put this up on twitter and we talked about on the podcast you're 100 right if this is all a product of drugs being illegal this i bet i bet if drugs were legal i bet the same amount of people ultimately would do drugs or maybe even less i think it would take time and it
would be a real a real problem when it was settling in because people would have get used to the fact that you could just do whatever you wanted when you got to be a certain age and we haven't prepared people for that but realistically almost everyone we know if they wanted to do coke they could get coke most adults know someone if you go to bars if you hang out with people who like to go out at night if you hang out with people who uh you know every now and then like to go off the rails they can get you some [ __ ] coke most adults know how to get some coke i would imagine maybe i'm just traveling in [ __ ] up circles i mean i'm sure there's a lot of bible belt people bible thumpers that you know don't do anything and don't know what the [ __ ] i'm talking about for a lot of people go to bars you can find coke so what is the difference how many people would do coke i remember if it was legal i remember coming off stage after a show when i was drinking in the front bar of wherever years ago and from across the room a guy just looks at me and nods like this and i i nodded back and we went right to the toilet i knew it was below and uh but yeah yeah there's a look that uh cokeheads give each other wide-eyed let's you know it's like either we're gonna [ __ ] or you're going to hook me up and it was so subtle though it wasn't like a wink wink it was just nodded and i nodded i go that was [ __ ] beautiful that's like the communication that you get when you're on mushrooms where you you look at each other tripping your balls off and you're both laughing at the same thing without having to say a word one of my favorite moments as an adult was you and i um out in the desert with yon irvin when we were tripping balls the day the war started yeah do you remember that yeah yeah no i i wrote about that one remember we were driving home and you peed out the door door open you had a pickup truck i think it was a it was like a yukon denali yeah that's right yeah it was like a suv yeah i think i was still dumbstruck at gps back then like
yeah we were always on the [ __ ] cutting edge of the new gadgetry and i had gps back when it was a cd it was a cd-rom or maybe it was a dvd and i think it was a cd-rom and you had to put it the cd in the dash for each individual city oh wow yeah so any city you would get if i would go to detroit if i wanted to drive detroit i have to get a detroit cd-rom for like the state yeah so like michigan would have one california would have one and you would you know some of them only worked for like a city yeah that's that's you were always on the cutting edge of technology but that must mean you get the shittiest version oh yeah but i got but i was fascinated see the shittiest version today if i had to use that i would be [ __ ] furious it'd be this piece of garbage yeah but back then it was i was living in the future of like this is amazing this is amazing because i was following a computer on my dash was like reading signals from a satellite that was telling to satellite exactly where i was at any point in time and it was navigating me to my target i'm like this is [ __ ] amazing yeah it's [ __ ] amazing every time i get bored like my drive to the airport is an hour 45 through the desert but there's no no stoplights it's just desert and anytime i get bored i'll daydream about like what would george washington think if he were transported from the future and sitting in his right house yes at 60 miles an hour would he be watching the [ __ ] dashboard freaking the [ __ ] out yeah that's always a that always kills time that daydream yeah i don't listen to music in the car my head is so [ __ ] entertaining well there's plenty of stuff to listen to you don't have to listen to music but i listen to audible books mostly too i'd listen to you [ __ ] kills drives so good yeah then you get something out of it and that's not a plug they actually fired me as a sponsor because they sent me some ad copy that i owe this audible book changed my [ __ ] life from living on the road it just kills all those hours between [ __ ] pittsburgh and grand rapids sometimes you'll drive around the hotel waiting to hear the end because you don't want to
wait till tomorrow's drive yeah and uh and then they sent me some ad copy that i go this is just hokey [ __ ] garbage and i said that like i'll tell you how audible changed my life this is way confident yeah it wasn't you know mr audible it was whatever [ __ ] yeah they got really mad that i [ __ ] on their garbage work that's the thing it's like but if you're a guy who's working in a thing you you talk to like a regular podcaster the same as they would talk to a doug stanhope and for you it's like they should just give you some bullet points like if you have a good relationship with the person who does the ads give me some bullet points and i'll just tell you what i feel about this they might also have figured out that i have three books on audible so i'm gonna push them anyway well there's maybe that but i guarantee you it's uh whoever was uh writing the copy and people were just upset and they probably thought you were being an [ __ ] but really what you're doing is genuinely promoting selling a product to your people yeah and let's be honest i don't uh i'm not a hundred percent behind all some of the things that promote yeah for sure yeah i um i really love apple books too i love that little because it's so like built into the phone and you just [ __ ] like today uh i finished a book and i'm like what else and i just instantly bang and then i'm getting a book it's it's so crazy that you can get an audible book in like five seconds in five seconds you're listening to some book that some guy wrote for months and months at a time i just read together they're coming tonight too jenny pentland is roseanne's daughter her [ __ ] book came out and it's usually i don't even any biography the child years i'm like hurry up and get this over with it's always boring get to where you're a [ __ ] junkie or something well she grew up as her mother was becoming the most famous person in america she spent between age 12 or 11 or 12 and 18 almost exclusively in mental institutions or those [ __ ] up boot camps they send troubled teens to and at one point she had been in some institution for i want to say a year
plus and she's like why is everyone else get out and i don't get out and they go well everyone else doesn't have a million dollar insurance policy like your mother has on you and she put it together oh they're just bilking me for the [ __ ] insurance wow crazy i always think about that i never go to doctors because i don't i don't care to know i mean whenever you have money involved in anything this doesn't mean like the medical system's evil or anything's evil the new system's evil no when you have money involved in things people lean into that [ __ ] money every goddamn it's a balance of that and litigation like okay this is probably a spot but we're gonna treat it like it's [ __ ] stage four melanoma so we don't get sued if we're wrong and we're gonna burn things off and send you over there for additional testings on this and i think they can tell in that they don't have to worry about that anymore i think their their ability to detect cancer is pretty [ __ ] good now but whatever it is but something else yeah it's a doctor it hurts when i go like this then we're gonna actually send you through a series of tests about when i you know it's no longer just don't go like this i always wonder about like if you see someone like you that smokes every day and is always drinking but lives a relatively stressful stress-free life for an entertainer and is always laughing you're laughing constantly you're always laughing every time i talk to you a little sometimes i get a little [ __ ] usually at in inanimate objects that i hit with another inanimate object because it wasn't cooperating perhaps but you don't with me i've you know i've known you for 30 years you've never been [ __ ] with me you've always been cool but my point is when you look at that and then you compare a lot of people who would live a lifestyle like yours but they're angry all the time and they're working all the time and they're you know doing something that they hate for money
and they wind up with all these diseases yeah you [ __ ] skate through life you're like the dude i know who's in every comic that dies i get [ __ ] 100 tweets and you're still alive what the [ __ ] is going on how are you still alive meanwhile stanhope like openly talks about how he won't go to a doctor because he just doesn't want to know yeah i don't want them putting oh that it could be that well it could also not be that and i don't want to go through a battery of tests do you know what a nocebo effect is uh no no sibo effect is the opposite of a placebo effect and it's real it's a physical reaction that your body has if it thinks it's got something inside of it that's bad for it exactly when med students they read too much about different diseases and then they think they have them all no that's that's maybe a little bit of hypochondria but that's not what this is what this is is like there's an example there was a guy who um was on a study for ssris and through somehow or another he [ __ ] up and he took the whole bottle of pills and he freaked out and he went to the emergency room his heart rate was sky high blood pressure blood pressure was [ __ ] i mean they're like oh my god this guy's like minutes away from dying what's going on what did you take and he says i don't know i'm a part of this study and they show them the bottle and there's a physician in the bottle they call the physician the physician shows up at the hospital and says you're in the placebo group you didn't take anything wow and so within minutes heart rate down to normal blood pressure normal the guy's completely fine and he leaves he freaked himself the [ __ ] out because he knew that he was going to die in his mind because he had taken all these pills and there's no way that's good i know a lot of comics where you go i i i it's it's stress or nonconference friends of mine anybody human beings i think that's a real factor that we don't you know we we add that factor at the end you add it at the end stress is like at the end of like the alcohol and the cocaine and the [ __ ] bad relationship and the divorce and the getting fired
and all that other stuff and then we put you know stress bad diet e-cigarettes we put all i think stress might be the number one thing i think that's and i i hate to it's i i avoid the it's all in your head because it's all because of your head yeah you're not making it up but your your lifestyle is causing it it's a factor it's a real factor but it's you can't weigh it you can't take it and put it on scale if you tell me you smoke two packs of cigarettes a day i go oh well that's a lot of [ __ ] cigarettes so you're gonna get sick but you you tell me stress like what does that mean put it in a box show me what does it weigh how big is it i don't know what the [ __ ] it means i don't know what your stress is compared to someone else's stress in the same situation you know some people they they have bad things happen to them they freak the [ __ ] out and they're never the same and other people get better they like they get stronger through like a bad thing that happens to them it's like we don't know what that is we don't know what what it's a it's how it affects you and if you don't think that it has a big factor i think we should be teaching that militant to people military guys and you know they exist and you've met the military guys who are kind of bummed out they didn't get to go to combat or they're oh yeah it's now it's boring i want to i want to go back there on a [ __ ] hurt locker okay yeah movie hurt locker not everyone has yeah yeah i only remember the first scene with the guy's [ __ ] head exploding in the mask but i remember i love that guy jeremy renner yeah yeah yeah yeah he's awesome yeah he's awesome i met him at the ufc family um you know there's like that kind of thing where people like long for the camaraderie that exists in combat do you ever read sebastian younger you have read any of his stuff no [ __ ] amazing guy a really interesting guy like super earnest and he's he's so intelligent he's so like there's no
[ __ ] in his words fiction or not non-fiction well i'm sure he does fiction too but i'm a big fan of his non-fiction i know the name tribe he was also a part of um that documentary thank you he was a part of restrepo um but his um his book tribe talks about that it talks about the camaraderie that men uh face in combat and that they go back to regular life and it's so it's so dull and and pale in comparison and the guys that i know that have served there's a good percentage of them who have uh experienced combat who they say some of the happiest moments of their life is in as crazy as that sounds like because they got through it but when they look back at it they talk about it they like the camaraderie that we had like as as a team and some of the stuff they went through and the fact they thought they were doing it for a really good cause and that it was you know they were being heroes and so there was like this this is a weak example and i'm not trying to liken one to the other but when you look back at your comedy days where no one knew you and it was just [ __ ] hell giggs those are the most prominent memories you have of early comedy you don't ever want to go back to those hell gigs those guys a lot of them want to go back to combat a lot of guys we haven't seen my schedule [Laughter] yeah but you're a [ __ ] assassin now it's not the same you going back to what you were at when you were four months into comedy is what i'm talking about you know because like when those [ __ ] days dude we we're terrible we i don't want to do that again yes but someone on earth gives a good gig of me like three months in the comedy a video that's out on youtube and sporadically someone finds it like oh jesus what the [ __ ] is this i remember when you had that beautiful hair yeah this was hair this was before it like it was almost poofy on top with the mullet it was an extraordinary mane those days when you're trying to find your identity i wore a suit jacket on stage with rolled up sleeves because i saw a guy
wearing it on everyone wearing impressions it was the comedy uniform like a wacky t-shirt and a a suit jacket with the sleeves rolled up god it's so foreign uh i had cava richie's z cavalry remember those stupid things i remember because my first comedy competition was some nothing las vegas thing but the winner got to actually work at a club on the strip which no one no local comic when i was i started in vegas for the listener would ever touch and i bought my buddy gave me his z cavalry like not a leisure suit but like a don johnson suit and it was white white jacket white pants and god knows what i wore for a shirt and i failed miserably the cavalry pants the last time i wore them on stage i had one of the worst bombings of my life i had one of those bombings that was like life-changing like i had to make big decisions i just moved to new jersey i was living with my grandmother and my grandfather my grandmother had an aneurysm they gave her 48 hours to live she lived for 12 years for 12 years and my grandfather had to take care of her and she would moan in agony and she couldn't move it was it was crazy man and i lived in this house with them and uh i went on and i also i also broke it up with my girlfriend and tore my acl so i had a [ __ ] up knee banner year and my manager had convinced me that i should dress nice on stage i'm like gosh probably dressed nicer and he was like you should like you know you're a good-looking guy wear some nice clothes which is the worst advice ever for a comedian so you're on stage like like you're going to go to a club like hey that's what i played dylan you know i'm wearing like a [ __ ] nice button-up shirt i look like a douchebag i took everything all the advice from anyone i thought had a position of power even if it's just because they booked the tuesday mike yeah whatever you know phil's vip lounge hey you know it's a professional comic if you want to move on to the and that's when i started wearing the suit coat with the sleeves rolled up and we i went on after jim brewer me and jim brewer worked together for the whole week we worked together like i think it was like wednesday through saturday or
at least thursday through saturday we had a lot of fun we became good friends it was the first time we ever worked together and we've been good friends ever since um i did good going on after him most nights everything was fine until saturday night saturday late show we he had you know how it gets you do that wednesday show thursday show friday show saturday show you do two shows friday two shows saturday you get loose you get loose right jim brewer got [ __ ] loose dude he was doing this bit about he's just bit about coming home from drinking and when you're drunk and your mom's mad at you she seems like a monster you do this oh my god he's murdering and his facial expressions and i mean he's murdering and i am terrified terrified backstage and i i can barely barely just think about my act barely and i'm like i cannot follow this there's no way i can follow this like he's way better than i am and i went and i was right and i went up and just ate [ __ ] like he was on a total new level that night and i've always said to this day like people that have never seen jim brewer kill you have no idea like there was a time where i forget what controversy he was involved in there was some controversy with jim brewer where people were mad at him recently that's weird and they were saying that's crazy the nicest guy ever and they but they were saying some real horrible things about him because he made some it was some interview he did on a video and they were blowing it up but and someone was saying that you know oh you know this washed up comedian like you are out of your [ __ ] mind i read those are oh you know he just needs the attention because he can't sell tickets like you have no idea i know the the fan the jim brewer fans are [ __ ] die-hards like that guy is probably one of the most underrated stand-up comedians alive when he murders i can barely breathe i can barely breathe when brewer is murdering he brings you into his crazy mind and and takes you on this little little journey i wouldn't even call him underrated he's [ __ ] rated he's rated but he's so good he should be
filling arenas that's how good jim brewer is jim brewer is a monster so anyway at this time back then i really didn't have a headliner set i can kind of stretch it out to a headliner set and i knew it i'd only been doing comedy like three years yeah i really didn't have 45 minutes i was [ __ ] terrified and i went up there and bombed with my stupid characters on you remember i think it was something like west nile new york it was like a comedy loft or some [ __ ] like they had like these co everybody had comedy den comedy shack comedy this it was something like that but uh but we became great friends and i after that set i made a big effort to like change my material i had like cut all the fat out of my material i was like i can't pretend i have 45 minutes what i need to do is write 45 minutes of killer [ __ ] like you can't just like sit on this 30 minutes and i'm stretching out to 45 minutes and [ __ ] i was uh forced into the fire because i was playing um missoula montan no great falls montana and uh the it was a triple gig one-nighter legendary [ __ ] longest drives between gigs okay you do idaho falls and then you drive nine hours to billings and then double back to go to whitefish and it was just crazy for no money it's like 125 bucks a night in the early 90s and now it's probably a hundred and he only has like four gigs left but but he's still out there he's still gonna still get a few gigs i wanted to go on a triple gig just because i wanted to be able to say i went on a triple gig well we we do triple gigs ourselves because it's beautiful but you're gonna do it through him because no no no yeah i know to make it official you just go play the same bars it's got to be 100 years old if you could look up david tribble because if i'm wrong and i did hear he passed away did you ever do the schuler gigs shuler no where was john schuler had a gang of really good gigs in like the connecticut area oh i never played new england until later in my career oh yeah john schuler just finished uh i show up to be the you
know 25 minute feature act the [ __ ] headliner is snowed on the other side of the pass on the other side of idaho can't make it so now i have to cover [ __ ] 90 minutes of comedy having a strong 25 that day and i remember sitting in everything i'd ever written in my notebook whether it's [ __ ] or not and but i went up and i told them like i'm supposed to do 25 minutes so everyone was on my side oh that's good that's good but it really forced me okay and then i go hey i did maybe 75 minutes i'd probably get off a little early but i go okay i can do this if i'm forced to do it and now i did it and one of the things about what we do is that you never are allowed to re you can get comfortable for a little bit until you release a special and then it's back to square one [ __ ] back to square one you don't get to sit on your old your old hits you know like a great band can like come in to see you yeah yeah when they're coming to see joe rogan and not coming to see comedy night that happens because they had a coupon now you're like oh [ __ ] i owe these people something because now i have a crowd and they saw this [ __ ] last year yeah under the gun or i just put out a spatula just put out a special is the big one yeah and then the other one is like if there's a benefit to just going on a comedy night because maybe they're not doug stanhope fans you know there's like some guys that get captured by their fans i am i'm that guy i don't [ __ ] venture out like when you're no one get [ __ ] canceled by their own fans you said this to me once you said i worked 25 [ __ ] years to get an audience why would i leave them yes exactly and i literally have one of the best audiences when i just went back to the comedy store i worked the comedy store in march two nights yeah which i do like uh la is every 18 months when i have brand new [ __ ] and then i get called back to do uh the netflix comedy special uh just a couple days ago it's like a 10-day festival the comedy netflix
comedy festival it's like netflix is a joke right yeah netflix is a joke which is over 10 days in l.a where all of those comics probably live in l.a yeah you know it's hanging out after the show it's not a festival for us right but i went back to the comedy store to hang out and the guy's like i i just have to tell you when you were here your fans are the [ __ ] best fans they they tip well they drink heavy no one complains about anything and that's awesome yeah that's beautiful now i'm getting competitive with you about fans you know people do that mike your fans are the best fans wait what about my hands what about my fans that is the the curse of the comedian the guy that told me that in new york we played uh sony music hall and he was saying the same thing about my fans and i because i i say they they drink and they tip almost at a gay audience level who are renowned the best gay audiences are the best tippers that's beautiful and i and i go you're you're up top there's a griffin scale in in comedy audience tippers and it goes from eddie griffin at the bottom to kathy griffin audiences at the top it's the griffin scale it's hilarious oh that's hilarious oh my god so true it's a weird ride we've been on buddy you know i remember i found out about you um it was in um i was in i think i was in houston and where i was doing stand up and then uh we were just talking about that uh someone like people when they tweet those old late 90 uh laughs stop houston yeah calendars that he used to have out coming this month and it'd be [ __ ] you me hedberg louis ck [ __ ] every comic that was no one had any idea yeah those calendars are beautiful if you get a hold of one of those i would like to get one of the whole of those laptop ones laptop and you just said that and now you're gonna get like 900 of them good get me one um send it to 212 van dijk street bisbee arizona 85603 did you hear about brian hersey [ __ ]
just found that out yesterday yeah and he was not a guy that i mean suicide you can't guess who's nobody knows but there's some that you're not as surprised as others and jersey was the sweetest kid and he had that laugh and it was his real laugh he was a funny dude man yeah you know what happened you know with a lot of those guys they were like so invested in the houston scene you know and then what was his name that was running the last stop mark that's right mark and when they get rid of him like everything kind of changed and then when they closed he was the uh he was yeah he was glue and yeah he was crazy and yeah he was yeah yeah there was some there's some yeah some improprieties some theories that have floated around on the rumor mill yeah just [ __ ] allegations probably unfounded but the point is the guy like you need a [ __ ] crazy person to run a comedy club i've always said this to these comics i'm like you know don't think of yourself as having this animosity towards club owners because you need club owners there's this thing that comics have in the beginning where they don't feel like they're getting paid what they deserve or they don't feel like they're getting booked as much as they should or and they you know they can't get into place and then when they finally do get into place and then they finally do start doing well they never forgive club owners for the way club owners used to make them feel in the early days of the career it's basically how ugly guys feel about hot women they're just mad at the women because the women don't like them but it had nothing to do with the women the women aren't doing anything wrong you're just gross you know you're just gross and that's how it was with us like we were all gross and the club owners were like look we have a lot of [ __ ] you know david tells coming a lot of people are good are coming i don't need you and that that relationship i was always telling these guys like you you got to have these people in your life and some of them are crazy some of them are trying to really like teachers when you look back of all the teachers you had in all your public schooling you can
remember a couple that did stand out and uh some that were [ __ ] wretched and and mark babbitt was the club owner that really gave a [ __ ] not about making money he supported open mic in that he watched people he helped guys grow he was there that was his it was like his baby like i want you guys to [ __ ] do well i want yeah he was uh he was like really running a community yeah and that's what houston had for a while and then when it went away you know it just wasn't the same and i i hear it's coming back now and i hear there's like a good community down there now a lot of people they do that what is that uh that place a secret group is that what it's called yeah that's where they did skank fest where you're probably where i got covered yeah i heard nothing but good things though it was so much fun i i don't think i'm they're doing it in vegas and it's sold out now they're doing it in vegas and october but i had to restructure my road to her and i'm not going to be able to do it and [ __ ] it sucks yeah well you know something like that that could be done on a regular basis i mean you could do a [ __ ] stanhope fest you could do you know just bring a bunch of your i mean the whole point is that the scene is better like it's great that skankfest is killing it and that's i love that they're doing it all over the country too but uh like the comedy scene in houston is better that's what i like i like the fact that it's there's like because of uh covet in particular that forced a lot of people to decide what the [ __ ] they really want to do and a lot of people recognize that comedy was almost taken away from everybody because you couldn't do live comedy in a lot of places because of the regulations everybody was scared to covet and when that subsided and comedy shows started coming back there's like a newfound enthusiasm because this thing that you love to do almost went away i i ran i do a guy a comic named moe from houston uh moamer i guess so yeah uh and he tours with chappelle yeah he was at the festival it was very funny i'm sitting out in front of the comedy store during the day
because it's closed but they leave all the stools and tables out in that front outdoor bar patio you know so i can go from the hotel where i'm staying next door and sit and smoke and write alone during the day and i see chappelle and his entourage are at that coffee shop directly across the street yeah and i i can tell at first i'm like i think that's chappelle and then once he lit up a cigarette where anyone else couldn't be smoked yes chappelle and uh the funny part was those tour buses the open top tour buses like see the stars the houses of the stars kind of [ __ ] yeah and they'd all stop in front of the comedy store and take pictures from the bus of the comedy store and i'm like turn around that's hilarious that's hilarious but so moe chappelle left but then mo saw me and came across the street and he was talking about he's really trying to reopen the last stop in houston the old place is still available that that old place is still there evidently uh or maybe he was trying to turn the last spot that was a funny story there used to be two lap stops and they sold one so to save money on the sign they just switched the letters is that real yeah that's real yeah i didn't know that i've stopped to laugh spot oh my god that's hilarious i always there was a another guy this is how this go slides into brian jersey because i was asking him there was a comic and i don't think it was john mcdowell but someone with a name like that that's too common to remember but killed himself hung himself like off the balcony after a gig at the last spot stop and i was tweeting like what was that guy's name i was trying to tally up how many comics have been found dead in their hotel the people died on the road in a hotel quite a few uh sag it recently yeah uh carlin uh head ralphie hedberg wait carlin was in a hotel yeah ralphia he got corrected i believe carl was in vegas right ralphie was up i think he died later oh really yeah oh so he like had an incident in the hotel ralphie was not technically in a hotel but he was doing a residency in vegas but they had like they'd rented like a
house or something i got corrected when i tweeted about this he's trying to tally up you know ralphie was one of those ones where it's like people are so different from just you and them interacting having a conversation to when they're untethered from other people and that's the thing with a guy like ralphie it's like if if ralphie could be the ralphie that he was around his friends i think you would have been happy and healthy well i i ran into him maybe two years before he died in nashville i was working there and we went out for sushi and and he was just like bitter like me and [ __ ] this and [ __ ] this business and like everything not ralphie but ralphie was kind of a sponge of the personalities around him who was around him at the time i don't think anyone was uh i think it's when he was going through the divorce the divorce probably got him yeah i mean that's a hard one for almost everybody but ralphie was always the big upbeat sweet guy so to see him in a like angry place and all right like are you just copying my anger ralphie i love to complain i'm never really angry i just love to complain well i think he's part of the legitimate reason i mean he's losing everything you know yeah losing his family losing money losing you know and he had like legit health problems i mean ralphie had multiple stomach surgeries he had more than one to try to you know but did he i don't know he had a giant scar huge scar on his stomach because he everybody got his yeah yeah he was not ashamed to take off his shirt and that's one thing anyone who can smile big with bad teeth or take off their shirt when they're [ __ ] ralphy's age i have utmost respect right but the first time i met him in houston in mid 90s he told me he'd just get his stun stomach stapled and had lost 150 pounds or whatever and then a couple of years later when i saw him again he had just gotten his stomach stapled and just lost this much weight so i'd heard uh maybe a ralphie's story that but you know what
if you he's not my manager i don't give a [ __ ] if he's lying yeah well it's just unfortunate it's like he didn't have to with us you know we don't give a [ __ ] if you said i had to stop at jack in the box and eat 75 jalapeno poppers we don't give a [ __ ] we'll laugh we don't care you know that one of the best things about comics is they'll embrace you for whatever weird [ __ ] you're into that's why celebrate nobody gives a [ __ ] gay straight black white asian european no literally no one cares other than are you funny that's literally the that's the currency that we and sometimes come on we have [ __ ] really good friends that aren't funny yeah that's a problem the problem is when they walk like if if you have a really good friend that's not funny and they've been doing it for quite a few years and they're [ __ ] starving to death and they want you to take them on the road you're like bro i can't like whatever your math that you're not doing you need to work that math out you mean if whatever one plus one equals five and i gotta clarify this because it makes me crazy when other people say it when i say you're not funny i mean you're i don't find you funny when people flat out especially when they're castigating a comedian for a bit that's off color or harmful or hurtful and they go well it's just not funny this subject isn't funny no it's not funny to you when you watch the clip of this that you're complaining about you can clearly see an audience laughing yeah so it's funny to someone it's nonsense this idea that it's not funny period like that you could ex that's so subjective there's things that are funny to a lot of people like i don't understand the big bang theory i watched it a bunch of times a lot of people are laughing i don't understand it i mean i literally watch it like i get upset at just the commercials it's like i'm watching someone piece together a lawnmower i don't get it like okay but this is my reaction to it but that [ __ ] show is a giant success man so obviously i'm wrong you know there's a lot of [ __ ] that i don't like but other people love and that's a thing we gotta i used to say that about like in the the larry the cable guy heyday
there was like two years where you couldn't go on stage without someone yelling get her done and like i don't hate larry the cable guy he's a sweetheart i hate his audience i don't even hate his audience it's the same audience that would yell out i'm rich [ __ ] at the dave chappelle shows yeah i hate that person too dude i watched that i watched david go on stage and like it was during the height of uh the chappelle show and before he left and he went on stage i think i might be having a [ __ ] up memory about this but i think it was at the house of blues in vegas and people kept [ __ ] yelling i'm rich [ __ ] and it's just remember it's exhausting and i think apparently they were yelling at you no it dave when he was on stage yeah no i remember that whole there was they leave [ __ ] shows early like [ __ ] i don't have to do this it was i think for him it was like he got captured by this uh the success of this one [ __ ] catchphrase which is crazy but that that can happen man but it wasn't even a catch phrase they made it a catchphrase it was one sketch yeah that yeah that stuck mm-hmm it's not like he was saying get her done on this [ __ ] every night like get her done but even if he is saying get her done who gives a [ __ ] it's like th that the the hating of the larry the cable guy thing it's like there was some people that felt like he was doing things that were xenophobic right wasn't there some people that were upset that he was doing some stuff that was like during the war that they felt oh god i'm trying to remember what wasn't that part of what dave cross was trying to say when he was uh mad at larry the cable guy i don't remember i don't remember either beefs do sell tickets yeah and hardcore beliefs now i've noticed as the [ __ ] comedy gets split into camps uh yeah if you have a hardcore [ __ ] right-wing left-wing opinion you're selling way more tickets than a pragmatist like myself well or a centrist i think i'm kind of i used to think of myself as a left-wing person but now i think of myself as left of
center or center left i don't yeah this uh [ __ ] world we're living in everyone's so eager to get on a team and start throwing rocks at the other team and i always say that all the most important [ __ ] that we all agree on is like it's vital to both sides like i want to be safe i want to be healthy i want to be able to do what i want to do i want to be able to hang out with my friends i want to be able to you know relax with my family i want to be able to feed people i want to make sure that everybody's taken care of that's what we all want we don't want chaos and violence in our [ __ ] home in our neighborhood we don't want crime we don't want to be [ __ ] over by corrupt politicians we all want that on right and left right and then the other things that we don't agree on i guarantee you they're less important the things we don't agree on we can like figure out why we don't agree on respectively and i think you'll have more people coming towards the center and try to figure out some sort of workable solution but the problem is we're so goddamn polarized this country right now post-trump everybody's so [ __ ] polarized because that guy like pissed gasoline and lit it on fire on like half the [ __ ] country and half the country now is never trumpers and if you've got 30 percent that think he's jesus and they want him to come back and resurrect the constitution and then you got everybody else it's like i don't have a [ __ ] horse in this race and so you got people like me that are like what the [ __ ] is going on like everybody's losing their mind how am i a far right guy a guy who almost voted for bernie sanders a guy who smokes a lot of weed a guy who grew up on welfare like i'm not this is not real you guys are crazy you have two completely polarized sides and no one is being in any way compassionate or or charitable about the other side's opinions we're not meeting in the middle and all the [ __ ] that we all agree on but so for me and maybe it's because i've kind of checked out mentally like it that's just too anxiety written and i know i'm not gonna [ __ ] help by having an opinion this
but you do help by having an opinion but i i'm trying to stick to opinions that i kind of know something about and most of this [ __ ] i don't know about it i've got i've got great bits out of both of those yeah they [ __ ] ukraine oh this is funny the ukraine okay i know that's the war that took the coven out of the top slot in the news after so many weeks on the billboard [ __ ] top 100 uh and i like i don't i can i got an email i have a fan in the ukraine you have the same thing where you have [ __ ] fans in every weird place and a guy emailed me very broken english but very sweet doug you are i'm probably your only ukraine fan pardon my english it is i tried to do translate i've seen you right here yeah that was me i was [ __ ] with you oh no it was it was and i knew it was going to happen because he says i'm your biggest comedy fan i watched all your translate youtube uh video you are best comedy god you must tell people what russia is doing to my people people need to know in your country and i'm like i guess i loved it i think you over yeah you went too far buddy i'm not buying it yeah i think he thinks i have a way bigger voice than i do to tell america about the news of what's happening in the ukraine and i he sent me all these links this is stuff you will not find on mainstream media and i go listen i don't have time to [ __ ] watch the news it makes me crazy but i'll have you be my personal ukraine war correspondent just you and me i'm only gonna get my ukraine news from you so then he just blows me up all the time his name's dima and he's very sweet he's 27. we will crush how do you know he's russian or he's tells me how do you know he doesn't work for the government he might be a 14 year old kid in his parents basement but i don't care i just he thinks that now he's talking to his [ __ ] idol and being we will crush these orcs they have no passion to fight we will wait for the spring in the tall grass and remove their heads from the necks and we will watch their bodies burn in delight and and then jesus but then he'll always follow it up with how are you
this this ukraine thing is freaky but yeah the point is at some point he goes maybe you could talk to joe rogan i'm like all right you you just saw me as a conduit to get the word out oh you it's happened since the man show days not nearly as bad as [ __ ] johnny depp now where people you have to get this to johnny like i'm not that close to friends where i just hey johnny here's an email of someone who wants to buy you a home-cooked meal if you're ever in [ __ ] ass cancer nebraska but you back in the [ __ ] man show days joe won't respond to my emails please tell him and then i would i would tape the i'd have the email printed off and tape it to the outside of my office door for you we showed uh your article that you had written a bunch of years ago about amber hamburg blackmailing johnny and uh i remember you connected me to him on the phone and i talked to him on the phone yeah we were pretty [ __ ] up yeah i shouldn't say that there's a subpoena i was drinking margaritas on the beach you're in hawaii and we were on [ __ ] johnny depp island how about drinking margaritas and i got my wife up i'm holding the fire i'm on the phone with johnny depp settle the [ __ ] down he was just mumbling he was d he was great no but he was like huntress thompson from the movie he does that sometimes i think his monologue may have affected his did you watch any of the trials i've watched all the traffic have you so you watched the part yeah i watched the poop we were [ __ ] dying like it was a comedy show when we're watching at the house when he's saying that she tried to blame dropping a grumpy how do you know it wasn't uh a dog feces how do you know it was human feces and not your dogs um they're a teacup yorkies they weigh about four pounds each i've picking i've picked up their fung before yes fung a word i've never heard oh my god it's well first of all what you get out of it is that you know he is an actor and he's very charming but he's also clearly a nice guy he's the [ __ ] one of the sweetest people i've ever met
i 100 believe that i briefly said hello to him in the backstage of the main room i didn't really have a conversation with him until you connected me with him on the phone he's a sweet guy i mean i might be wrong i mean some people are sweet sometimes some people are sweet sometimes and you don't see them when they're like this is ralphie may thing that i was saying earlier it's like the ralphie that we were around was like a happy joyful ralphie that ralphie should have been concerned about his over consumption of food and his you know just being like everybody loves you man but then you go on your own when you go on your own sometimes that's a different entity you know sometimes people are way different when they're on their own than when they are they hate themselves for whatever reason they get angry they get frustrated it's weird and you you find out about it you're like that guy like it took me a while to understand brody i didn't understand brody because i i never did i beloved brody but i always thought everybody loves brody like how could brody be depressed my my feeling of brody was so i don't i didn't i knew people who were mentally ill i knew i had many friends that had like mental illnesses for sure but brody's was a different thing i didn't understand it like i didn't know how much of it was like him joking around and how much he is how much of it is him putting on like a gilbert gottfried face exactly i always thought he was you know kind of knew how kooky he was and he then he came out to do i did a benefit show for the humane society in uh tucson and he came out for it and we picked him up at the airport early uh bingo and i and uh we went to uh i it might have been after he had that kind of twitter breakdown yeah well he had a he had a real break break yeah it was a real one but he live tweeted it yeah but we went to breakfast at [ __ ] denny's right off the airport and he like just sitting there in this very awkward silence like trying to you could see both of our gears trying to drum up small talk because this is not the happy brody warm-up show guy that i know this is both of us in the morning i'm [ __ ] hungover and he's mentally ill right and socially awkward yeah
he uh went off his medication at one point in time and then i kind of understood what was going on and one of his good friends reached out to me and said be careful in how you engage with him because he's off his medication and we're trying to bring it back and this is a good friend that i kind of sort of knew so i knew that he was friends with brody so i was like okay what do i do and then i saw him on stage one night in the main room and man it was wild it was like he was angry at the audience but like the jokes weren't there anymore it was the same sort of the same tempo that he had with his act but it was like anger instead of like he would have like fake anger in his act and it was hilarious yeah it was hilarious but you can't tell off stage yeah i make money he would say that when i take my mom out for dinner it feels good to pay half he had that but it was like this anger at the audience for not understanding who the [ __ ] he is it's like holtzman holtzman's is saying like okay at one point holtzman appears to be holding together though he came to skank fest and he was wearing this uh what was colonel parker kind of western cut uh cream-colored uh shiny suit he looked a [ __ ] million dollars and it's the first time i've seen him out of la i've only seen him out of la maybe once or twice at like aspen comedy festival but where he felt comfortable like he he was known for he worked the comedy store because that was his comfort zone and outside of that but he was [ __ ] solid he was somebody pepitone too oh yeah what is he funny eddie is a great follow on instagram he's a great follow it's really funny he writes some really funny [ __ ] about catastrophes and linking them to corporations let me stop you right there i do a bit about how i might be canceled and not know it because if you're not famous how would you know but like all my stuff's been taken off of netflix and i don't know how long the shelf life is supposed to be or if it's a purpose and my instagram has been shut down since march of 2020. you didn't know i i never really used it but i thought during pandemic i'll i'll learn it hennigan would put up some pictures here and
again verified no it's just like all of a sudden our password didn't work and we couldn't the forget password none of it worked we went through every channel [ __ ] uh no fx fat mics manager i can guarantee i fixed this for a million of my clients he couldn't hennigan's now got a a girl that works with someone for in the industry i definitely have it still have no instagram and they they you can't yeah real a real stan hope you can't get in there it's listen this is not like i tried something once and hit a wrong button it's been over two years i i would probably write that off to too many people that work at instagram and too many accounts i would write that off i think i can help you with that that's why i just said it yeah i can help you with that on your podcast listen you know all these social media companies is there ice girl still here we don't have a nice girl we have a large gentleman that i couldn't remember his name all salty like don't be salty yeah young jamie will get us some ice we're getting hammered buddy you know what like the old days come on have a little neat i think that was have a little knee i think i was missing last time yeah well you know it was like 10 in the morning last time i think we did it a little early cheers my brother cheers always good to see you you too you're one of my favorite people you stay alive i'm happy yeah i don't even i mean other than normal feeling bad like i've got enough that i don't know that i have covered definitely i'm going to move you out here and get you on the protocol if anything goes sideways anything go sideways i'm the first phone call okay we're gonna [ __ ] take you out of here hyperbaric chamber sauna cold plunge hormones everything we'll bring you right back like frankenstein i've been looking for i hope i i always worry about repeating myself on here but i i was thinking like july i have july completely off where do i go for 30 days that i don't have cigarettes and can't get cigarettes well you guys that's the easiest way to quit smoking is not have cigarettes and you just quit it's over here's what we do we get your account back from instagram first of all thank
you young chamber we get your account back then you do a 30-day thing where you have no cigarettes for 30 days and you just post you post it on instagram and instagram will see this as an opportunity to help a lot of people that have an addiction to cigarettes and they'll all be able to kick it yeah and as i i just and there's a million places like a boat i like the smoke if you're on a boat yeah no i i like the smoke i heard you're starting this cigarette before a show that's what i broke i broke it down to one i was doing three sometimes it's too much [Laughter] well did he smoke well that's it's again it's relative yeah he smoked how much well no one died of [ __ ] cancer from what i said not even a day those people that you meet after shows they go oh there's cigarettes i haven't smoked since college can i get one of those and then they smoke like three drags and go ooh i can't believe i used to do this that was a [ __ ] dollar lady it's not good for you i know it's not i know but when they bum them where they don't really smoke well i really need smoke so [ __ ] you for habitu or randomly i'm sorry for having willpower but what i do is one before each show one before you show it's it's a nootropic there's a cognitive benefit of nicotine and i could take it in other forms like i tried this [ __ ] right here this is one of them pouches uh shop brought this over it's disgusting i couldn't handle that can you handle that yeah like chew no it's like a pouch it's like chew you put it in your mouth you put it in your mouth but it's like the flavor is what again he's like oh this one's delicious shop keeps like three or four in his mouth at all times the dude's medicated but uh young jamie and i we lasted about what a minute two minutes both at the same time we both bailed yeah yeah it doesn't even feel the same or taste the same as the like i did bring a vape pen this time how was that i i've only i got it specifically for here yeah and but i tried it and i'm like it'll probably get me through dude cigarettes just smoke your cigarettes no
i forgot we have a whole system in here that sucks around well i forget you smoked cigars so i'm not like you're the bigger [ __ ] no it's a non-smoker here oh yeah it would hate you more than me i don't know some people like to smell cigars and pipes pipes are great hedberg used to smoke pipe like corn cob pipe he'd smoke tobacco on [ __ ] mark twain yeah steven crowder gave me a nice pipe and uh some real tobacco he smokes pipes and everybody loves pipes they smell good that smell is like aromatic it's almost like an incense the cigarette smell is the one that pisses people off the most cigars is only next like i like cigars if dandelions were as rare as roses everyone would be picking themselves yeah if you only smelled a cigarette every here and again and but everyone's smoked up did you make that quote i don't think so it's too good so good that's so good dandelion one that's a great line oh i had this [ __ ] line actually i stole it uh because i was in a sports bar in philly when i was playing helium down there and i was just honest at a sports bar watching football and there's this [ __ ] arrogant blowhard who is just he's talking over every tv in the sports bar he was so loud and drunk and he said kind of the joke and then his buddy kind of filled it in and i'm like there's no way that's a great joke for stage and you just happened upon it and didn't even know it was funny and i'm stealing that so for the first several times i would qualify with i stole this from a loud mouth perk at the bar that didn't know it was funny and then i added whatever i needed to where i have a post bucket list when i die i want my remains scattered in all these special places on this stage specifically i want my remains scattered things i don't want to be cremated i just want i don't want to be cremated greg chaley to come in and splatter my remains and [ __ ] rendered fat [ __ ] bones and digits then uh paul provenza came to my show in l.a and he's like that's the best joke and the next day he found where someone had tweeted that and then he goes oh years ago like 2014 and he's like that's
not my joke that's from a dana gold tweet i'm like all right now i have to dump this that makes sense that's that's a problem if you hear something funny from a friend and try to incorporate in your act it's 15 seconds that i had to cut out of my act well you know how like some guys are so ethical like uh attell dave attell always did that and then recently uh jim norton last night in fact he sent me a text he goes hey do you ever say this and i said i don't say that i say this he goes because i've been doing this and someone told me that it sounds like this i go no no it's not the same thing yeah it usually is yeah it's not at all he just he but that's how ethical he is yeah he heard that we had like crossing uh subjects yeah so you guys had to call bill burr once because he had and i swear he actually said it on his podcast about nfl versus uh soccer or rugby and they're they're they're uh they say uh football's [ __ ] because they have to wear helmets and we don't wear helmets and rugby and uh and and i swear it was bill burr on a podcast that said yeah but you never hear about a [ __ ] rugby player shooting himself in a heart so they can study his brain because he's [ __ ] crazy at 40 i'm paraphrasing and doing a bad accent yeah but i called him up he goes i don't remember ever saying that at all but [ __ ] cool on you for checking and i i still think and it wasn't even for my act it was for something else i'm gonna find it because you're saying it now someone will find it and they'll get it to you yeah that was years ago but the point is yeah it's always fun to make the call yeah yeah yeah the calls are good i've i've called bill about subjects before because he's a you know he's a guy seeing a lot of guys and he's all there's like a few guys that i feel like are you know i've known bill for [ __ ] forever as long as long at least as i've known you and you know he's at the top of the food chain now so you know him on the east coast too right i i was leaving boston right when he was starting all right i was gone like right when you started then patrice o'neal and him and there was a couple other guys that were in that that little uh that group
we i got i got second wave i got b wave a wave was like don gavin steve sweeney lenny clark kevin knox mike donovan um a few other guys in in that that that group there was like so many [ __ ] elite comedians and then i came in right when comedy was realizing like that a lot of people had just had these they had these formulaic acts they were almost like carpenters like they figured out how to hit a nail with a hammer and they just did an act yeah you can do comedy if you're a scientist that go oh if i say this and this is incongruous that makes yes yes someone told me i could get [ __ ] for a dollar in this town and that was the mayor oh the mayor wouldn't say that so it's funny i was reading this uh listening to this audiobook that i've read this book four or five times it's the war of art by stephen pressfield and uh i i haven't picked it up in forever i used to have a stack of them at my studio and i'd give them out to guests and i was reading it uh listening to it on an audio book uh in the sauna today and one of the things that he said he said he was talking about how some people will say things because they think that other people want to hear that they'll say whatever is popular that will be yeah they think other people will think is funny rather than they think it's funny he was talking about how that's this is a trap and that what you've got to do is say just talk about it from your perspective yeah and that'll resonate with other people and that's the only way you can do it when i started comedy i was writing things that i thought people would laugh at 100 me when i got to a point and that was probably a change in my career where the stuff i would laugh at hysterically with me and my friend back in the [ __ ] apartment i go yo but you could never do that on stage well if i'm laughing this hard exactly yeah you should do that on stage and yeah that's how i got into comedy i got into comedy from my my one of my best friends in life his friend his name is steve graham and i'm gonna see him this weekend in phoenix he's a guy that was i was friends with when i was 15. and uh i would make him laugh and he was like you should be a comedian and i said
no no i go you think i'm funny but other people are going to think i'm an [ __ ] you just like me so i can say crazy [ __ ] to you and he's like no no you really should be a comedian and i was like oh man there's no way but that is what comedy is what comedy is is like finding like if you paid to like anybody before prior imagine pryor's material delivered by anybody before prior and you'd be like how how could you do this how are you doing this how are you how are you making this enormous leap of comedy like what's happening here how are you able to like bring people together and that they feel warm and friendly at the same time they're laughing hysterically like how are you doing that i think it was once i was making enough money to live yeah that uh i go well yeah i can [ __ ] do that now i say there's three stages of comedy but there might be four but the three stages that i i recognized when i started thinking about this in terms of like a structure stage one they're tools whatever i have to do whatever i have to do to get laughs i just want to get laughs i just want to make them laugh i'm not exactly sure what i'm doing stage two things that i think are funny like what makes me laugh i would i would like to see this guy live if i was a a person who would like when i was a uh amateur comedian and aspiring i was thinking about being a comedian i saw a bunch of people live and i remember thinking how amazing it was to go see like kevin meaney live at catch rising star in cambridge with my friend diane derosa her and i were sitting there watching this guy we were crying and i wasn't old enough to do comedy yet i was like 20. you know i was like like thinking about doing comedy i think and when you you go back and you think about those days and you think about what that feeling was like when you just wanted to see comedy like that's what you want you want to keep that have you kept that we just had this conversation with someone i i won how much comedy doing comedy ruined comedy for you on so many levels like you're a fan of comedy before you start doing it yourself but and then you put when you
get into it then you learn oh that's a hacked premise everyone like it kind of ruins the illusion of but not necessarily but then you see dave attell and you appreciate him even more exactly even more right still one of my all-time favorites i hate to do superlatives but who's your favorite comic of all time i always say a tell i have a list of them you know i don't i love them all this is like and you're on that list there's no there's no one but would you do an interview they need the worst heckler you've ever interviewed my dick how about that they don't know what the [ __ ] i say listen i'm too old to have the best or worst you do that when you're 12. exactly when you've only seen 10 movies you know your favorite movie what's your favorite color yeah so there's three stages there's still only like seven so i can go with orange colorblind so there's seven stages of comedy there's like do whatever it works do things you think are funny and then ideas that you turn into funny like for me one of the big ones was i was trying to figure out how they built the pyramids and i'm like maybe the dumb people just out [ __ ] the smart people nobody was [ __ ] one one of my storytelling like for 11 minute bid i think it is still still one of the best that and ron white's drunk in public yes i would like to go back i also wish i could do that one again i do too because you know and i see this with a lot of comics that you've known over the years when that was like getting toward like at the best of that bit yeah by the time you recorded it i remember like three pieces that were left out that were like just little tiny things that the general public yeah like uh he didn't say that thing it's kind of like shawn rouse's tsunami bit you know sean rouse's i never heard that bit it's you can find it on youtube um with a big scab on his face on stage because the night before he had taken a header oh he had he had done that so many times where he'd go on stage with a giant scab on his forehead or chin from when he had just fallen down blackout drunk the night before that he had regular bits to do about scabs like he
had a fallback he had he had i fell and hit my head bits yeah oh my god long ones but he had this bit about the tsunami which is still one of my that's in the top three favorite [ __ ] storytelling bits about the japanese tsunami or the what other one the bangkok one well there was both there was a yeah that the his bill was the bankrupt one he might have died before no he didn't die before this one when did he do no he died right on time he died a little late you know he was a guy where i was like man um there's people who have rheumatoid arthritis like he had that uh change a lot of things about their lifestyle and their diet and they can mitigate some of the ease the symptoms but when i first met him he was so [ __ ] up i remember thinking i don't even know if i should like tell him about the stuff because he first of all the guy i like to drink every night yeah as a part of who he was and because of the arthritis he was on so many meds that already depleted his [ __ ] liver just to keep him alive that he could have two three gin and tonics and go from normal to i'm biting people that was his thing he would bite people well he probably that's the only thing that worked well tom giannis who was the head writer on the man show right after it ended no we i'm playing one of the butt [ __ ] places like fresno or bakersfield one of the grapes of wrath town circuit and uh and so shawnee uh tom giannis rises motorcycle up to watch the gig and we're in some podunk saloon after the show and sean rouse is [ __ ] out of control and he bites a lady i'm sorry for laughing at that because i don't want that lady to get bit but just the fact that and the bouncer comes over and he tells i'm sitting in a different section we don't see it i'm sitting in a different part of the bar with tom giannis and the bouncer this giant [ __ ] bouncer comes over listen you guys gonna go your friend just bit a lady and tom gianna said something snarky and smart [ __ ] and uh oh the bouncer looks at him and he's sitting in a booth
he said he's a big guy he's a biker guy but like soft big he's not the guy kind of guy that you would go oh i wouldn't [ __ ] with this guy he's dressed kind of bikery and slouching and he whatever he said snarky the bouncer said we can do this the hard way we can do this the easy way or we could do this the hard way and janice with his cherubic face went smiling all right if choices be let's let's do the hard way he said that yeah oh my god and then he smiled as he made the bouncer [ __ ] man handle him out of the bar really along with rouse and i was happy to go i was shit-faced i had just done a show i was ready for bed i didn't want to hang out and see the bright lights you really said the hard way yeah he's he and he looked it over like he's on the [ __ ] price's right guessing the [ __ ] price of an auction and he goes we could do the hard way i think he's trying to oppress us i don't think there's a moment in my life what i said whatever where i would have said the hard way i don't think a single moment have you well you've probably never been thrown out of a bar because you're probably well behaved i'm well behaved have you talked to giannis no no i haven't seen him before the last time i remember seeing giannis do you remember our gaffe on the first taping of the man show where we were outside i was smoking so you're hanging out and tolerating me outside behind rating you what are you saying i love you you know my cigarettes like you had to come talk to me because i'm always outside i wanted to talk to you why do you have to qualify it but we're we're talking like hanging out with you i was this is [ __ ] right oh you meant i mean anyone who has to always follow me outside because i always have to smoke point b we're talking [ __ ] about i remember throwing a temper tantrum in the man show about these should not this shouldn't be the opening [ __ ] thing that you're putting out yeah we're filming our first opening thing and we
go outside and we're like the jesus gun it doesn't even make sense what i don't because they had [ __ ] canned all of our ideas that were kind of hard uh they were a little on the rough the ones that we laughed at yeah and now we're doing the ones that we hope they laugh at and we we're talking about how shitty this one bit is and blaming the writers which that's what you do yeah and we didn't realize we were [ __ ] miked and tom giannis was on his headset listening to every word about [ __ ] the writer's room wow it wasn't and he came out sheepishly you know i could hear everything you said and jesus gun it you know because it's incongruous so that's try to explain but our our relationship was always suspect after that he never he didn't he accepted our apology but it probably hurt him he's a good guy he's a good guy he didn't get along with joey though there was a thing with him and joey but cut two last time i saw him you had come to my show at some rock and roll bar in hollywood you know i realized then i never want to do a stand-up show yeah no that's the whole audience how to stand up like my [ __ ] knees hurt i know and i we've stopped doing that yeah but you know we all got together to go jim norton sorry oh we all went to was it what's the deli on fairfax canters or something cantors yeah we all there was a bunch of us five or six of us and we all but tom giannis had kind of lagged behind and then we all got to canters and went did anyone tell tom we're going i think we're all going [ __ ] breakfast after the show dinner late night food and no one noticed tom had run off to piss i'm like still to this day i feel like he thinks we ditched him on purpose one of the things i really respect about that dude tom giannis wrote a [ __ ] motorcycle in the rain i just did uh [ __ ] adam carolla's podcast who again i always think why are you talking while i'm smoking a cigarette people are gonna know
uh which was the first time the only time i'd ever met him was right after our version of the manchester gratefully died uh how are you i was doing stern and he had just he was coming off as the previous guest as i was going in and i just looked at him i go hey uh sorry for ruining your show and he goes i don't care about that that's more of jimmy's thing than my thing jimmy had a thing because he felt like he was wronged economically and i don't know what's right or what's wrong so i will not comment but i love jimmy and as much as jimmy has been you know maligned and i'll tell you what when i met that guy like in real life jimmy kimmel is a sweetheart i love that yeah i love that imagine he's anything but i can't imagine i don't get i don't give a [ __ ] what words have ever come out of his mouth i like that man's essence and when i'm around jimmy kimmel i realize he's a nice guy he's a really nice guy never met him but i did he's finally like and so is adam a month ago i did adam's i finally got to meet adam that's the first time yeah it was the first time and it was a month yeah when i was doing the comedy story i did a bunch of fit simmons fitzsimmons i did his pie i [ __ ] love fitz i just did about a week apart from each other i just filmed a movie where uh it's i'm starring in it so you're not going to be seeing it in theaters but i thought i'm i'm playing guess what a a washed up 55 year old alcoholic road comedian chain smoking who's dying of liver failure who'da guess they thought of me first so there's a guy that's playing a comic friend that i haven't seen in 17 years and uh michael bean i told you last time he's my now my neighbor and buddy he's the guy from terminator and what right he he goes just let me read the script i'll see if it's good and then he read it and he goes i submitted myself for this part of your old comic friend like triple gig road comic friend from 17 years ago that stinks but he's still doing it i'm like well this is cool and they're like michael bean really wants to do this michael bean at the last minute got cold feet you don't have a script supervisor i've never in 40 years gone to a film
i'm like who's michael bean show me a picture of this guy i think i know who he is he might be incorrect terminator the abyss the rock okay like on yeah aliens oh he's been in everything yeah he's been in the [ __ ] he's your friend yeah he moved to bisbee michael oh he would i've had him on my podcast he's coming he's [ __ ] hilarious i'm sure he is if he lives in bisbee and he used to be an agent he also lives sometimes in la and i'm like i would have you as a co-host for my podcast he's that funny but like he can't remember any references so when you talk to him we played trivia like and he was in the movie the guy with the dog the slobbery dog the guy from no no he guessed cujo the tom hanks one oh yeah whatever what was the tom hanks one the dog clifford turner the point is you guessed like that you guessed cujo i guess turner and hooch yeah turner and hooch and who's the guy that's in queueing on and he eats baby's blood tom hanks so you're always playing trivia with him and he's so hilarious to hang out with thomas i go i go hey michael b when did you quit drinking he goes i think it was like somewhere between the stroke and the heart attack just [ __ ] uh and i like them so much [Music] i don't remember a lot of people like that that are misrepresented how did this get in your movie oh so he was going to play this part in the movie he got cold feet and then yeah so at that point i just bobcat is just we're filming outside of chicago about gold yeah bobcat i love bobcat because sorry michael i know you're listening but uh yeah get to a place this was such a [ __ ] production as every independent movie is with [ __ ] we didn't get the permit were supposed to get so now we're going to try to pick up a shot over here and and he'd get so bobcat had just gotten a hold of me and i'm like bobcat can play this [ __ ] part easily bobcat i sent them hey uh this probably
pays as little as legally as allowable but it's two days of shooting and he he wrote back if i if i had a nickel for every time i had to replace michael bean in a emotion picture i'd love to do it i'm like that easy 30 minutes later [ __ ] recast with someone with a name not only that but bobcat is a legend yes i love bobcat coldweight and bobcats windy city heat is one of the best movies i've never watched it because i feel bad about that dude that dude was always at the comedy store i'm like he needs medication but bobcat has the best bigfoot movie of all time oh i haven't seen it called willow creek it's a legit non-funny horror movie and it's [ __ ] fantastic the one he did about everything we fantasize about is killing every reality star douchebag that was great americans something what was that he'll find it bobcat is the [ __ ] but i'll tell telling one of the best people willow creek willow creek is the best bigfoot movie that's ever been made you think about a legend that everybody knows about there's a giant hairy ape that lives in the woods the pacific northwest and someone got it on film in 1969. bobcat gold weight made the best version of that ever you don't even see the thing i don't want to say that i should have said that spoiler alert it's [ __ ] great it doesn't matter i will watch it it's it's like blair witch project style like with people that are going there and they're uh they're like joking around documenting trying god bless america who's the other dude i don't know who they were but they were awesome who are those people who were those actors because they were amazing they were but i i don't think they have names they have they they're human beings so someone's baby um who are the people joel murray linbar both of you guys [ __ ] killed it that was a great movie but bob cat jumps on the [ __ ] how about chase the clown hey hey wait bobcat takes the role i've solved everything i'm the [ __ ] hero for calling bobcat and getting him to agree after everyone's panicked that how are
we going to recast this when we're shooting in four days bobcat gets covered has to duck out oh no so then no we're running through a list of names and i said greg fitzsimmons and this guy who was scheduled to be like a bit act or a waiter that says everything okay here's your check that's all he had to say but he's a comedy fan they flew out from la he goes i just dm'd fitzsimmons on twitter he says he's available like well you kind of jumped your [ __ ] and our strategy session you overheard but it worked out beautifully and he plays a comedian friend that i haven't seen in 17 years perfect where i haven't seen him i go i did the math yeah mancho is 2004 so you're literally playing yourself my ex-girlfriend that i go back to find from 25 years ago do you remember christine yes yeah yeah she you told me yeah oh [ __ ] she told me yeah yeah yeah awesome she plays your your love interest yeah it's like everyone was playing themselves it was [ __ ] great it's perfect when does this come out posthumously i'm telling you if you want to get scared willow creek this is [ __ ] it's a really good movie and i love bobcat but bobcat shakes the clown opening scene one at a time bobcat is all in on willow creek he's all in on bigfoot he really believes bigfoot's real oh oh i didn't know yeah yeah bobcat is uh an atheist until it comes to bigfoot he we are not mocking him because i love him both of you and i have believed some really dumb [ __ ] i believe for 20 years to [ __ ] go i'm not sure i i let any of it go but i believe it i believe in bigfoot i believe uh bobcat um unfortunately he believes in the patterson footage and the patterson footage as like real there's like you can connect to dots and see that it's [ __ ] i thought that's the the legendary one that made the joke about yeah maybe maybe bigfoot is blurry which is way more scary that was an out-of-focus monster out there by the way um uh hedberg on
david letterman said there's a friend of mine that is a big fan i'm a parent i played tennis with my good friend doug yeah yeah that was his first no no no not doug brian hershey he's like you want he mentioned brian jersey randomly on letterman he all all of his bits dufresne party yeah that was an actual person yeah he i loved him man i mean you remember when we were on um the set of uh mancho and you told me that he was dying because he had gangrene because no we were filming we were filming something some kind of like the leading yeah that's what i'm saying and we were riffing and i said something about amputee porn no no no no you pulled me aside you just got a phone call yeah but we had just said something about amputee porn or amputee something in a take that we go they'll never use that take we're riffing and then right after that i got a call from don king rested peace don king was the king of austin titty bars he was like he died yeah he i was supposed to come out right after i did your show last time they had a memorial for him a week later i'm like i just did that drive on uh oops i know i got one over here you're double fisting me neat neat get in there how many how many people would get drank how many people would give a right leg speaking of amputees to double fist get double-fisted by joe rogan daddy's not driving well do you drive anymore no well are you like [ __ ] johnny depp where you always have a driver occasionally if i have driver's a case johnny has all sorts of muscle cars like you or at least one and i go when's the last time you actually drove a car well oh there was one time when uh i don't really remember but yeah i drove here i know i i i maintain being sober a good percentage we have a [ __ ] show tonight yeah we're gonna have a good time and [ __ ] roseanne's coming yeah don't tell anybody well it'll be after the fact one of the beautiful things about this show is doug stanhope we don't even
advertise we have no advertising i know it's all word of mouth i know exactly you know who you don't advertise to me i told you you told me you don't remember no i have the text feed i go am i being crazy well last time like i'm i'm coming out here and i'm like all right just tell me i'll show you the [ __ ] text message i go okay i'll be there sunday night and leave wednesday just tell me the details of where and when to be this is what you wrote back that's so cool fantastic i can't wait to see you with none of the details i don't know if i'm doing the podcast or the show we're fine we're fine we're here i know we're here we worked it out i know terry mitchell had a text me she said this man needs uh oh yeah the picture she took yeah she said he needs a where and when like i don't know how much time i'm doing i don't know if i should promote the gig matters nothing the best thing is to get into the state we could just be doug stanhope and i go doug stan hope you're on and just push you under the stairs and to get me into that state i have to know incorrect what time i should not be shit-faced and then have joe rogan go show starts now let's do mushrooms let's do mushrooms let's do it oh i'm scared me too that's the point come on how long has it been yesterday i did do uh for me i'm doing them all the time all right small don't amounts exactly uh i don't want to even say her name but yeah carmen morales what yeah she came out she was her name don't say her name she's a comic don't listen to me you don't want to say her name don't say her name let's call her she would want her name to be said no no she wasn't dealing she's giving you drugs yeah don't you've given me drugs don't tell these [ __ ] people can you black out the joe rogan experience and just say the extent of stan hope allegedly i hope when uh i the first time he and i uh did dmt i was worried i lost him i was really genuinely oh my goodness we're gone oh my god you had gone like good you had got this snoring thing where i was i was like do
i lift him up so that he doesn't swallow his [ __ ] tongue i was like oh my god if i kill doug if the man show dies because i give doug it was it was dying by the way that we knew we were writing the last monologues ever and that's what [ __ ] me up we've told this story every time i'm sure on your podcast but we were at your house writing we know this is the last of the monologues and they're [ __ ] just pap dredged [ __ ] awful uh what's up it wasn't that bad but by the end it wasn't that when we know it's [ __ ] over and we're beaten yeah well there was some last time you want to smoke dmt my first time like all right this sucks and we're just getting through this and then you want to smoke dmt and then i go [ __ ] into alternate realities and then i come out of it 10 minutes later saying i remember i i came out of it just saying oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness because i've just learned the [ __ ] you know what else he said you said you've already seen this you said that to me oh you've already seen this you've heard me i swear the picture of [ __ ] bill hicks on your wall winked at me and when i said that too the one with him and then the lighting the american flag with the cigarette yeah what you know lighting the uh cigarette with the american flag but i came out of it and i looked and i swear bill hicks [ __ ] winked at me when i said that to you you went uh [ __ ] looked at me like cliche [Laughter] i swear that happened i'm not even that big a bill hicks fan you were just you were just insecure because you had like experienced death and you came back when we would when i would go outside to smoke cigarettes from the writers room on the lot after that for a week i couldn't make direct eye contact with the giant dumpster size electrical generator because i thought i could make it blow up with my mind the wiring in my head was so i've never done it since people try to drop that off at the merch booth we should do it ever again we should do it tonight
[ __ ] no yeah come on yeah what i'm about okay when i'm gonna quit smoking cigarettes you're better now because of that day i don't know yeah you are you know why because you know that that's possible you didn't know that was possible but it's hard to break up okay i'm gonna write a bit about this that now i know is dog [ __ ] and means nothing because i've been through that experience where you go this is all so [ __ ] life is so silly but you still have to make a living by doug just express that you don't have i've been doing that but i know you have but don't worry about that it doesn't have to be dog [ __ ] and silly it's you you don't think about that think about you think about if you were like some 24 year old guy working in a [ __ ] newspaper distributor office you had a [ __ ] job and you're allowed to listen to podcasts and you listen to you talk about your experience don't worry about like your own [ __ ] weirdness in handling it worry about what it is what it is is like you died and came back like you really felt like you died and came back when you came back i didn't feel like i died you said like let me you said to me hear say your honor this is what you said you said life eats life he said life just eats life life eats life life eats life wow this is what you said when you were coming out you were like life just eats life life just like it just keeps going it keeps going life eats life life eats life i'm just trying to hang on life eats life life eats life it's like you already been there you've already been here you've already been here ultimately like you took you took me to this place you already been there i'll never forget that because i thought you were gonna die and i was like god dammit nobody's ever died from this [ __ ] like if doug's the first guy to die i'm like he's like maybe i like overestimated the rpms that his [ __ ] engine can handle and redlined but you you got through it that was the thing you kept saying life eats life life is life life is life but the the
dichotomy of having to go from that supernatural experience in 10 minutes and then go back to oh wait now we really have to try it finishing up these dumb monologues yeah but that's okay too that's okay too because that's a unique challenge that's like there's some weird thing we're doing like what are we doing you know the only reason i ever did that show is because of you 100 percent like they they brought it up to me and we got to get some more fighter i'm sorry oh here or this one i must have it yeah um they they said to me like you know we uh adam and jimmy are not going gonna do the man show and we would like you to host it you know who'd you like and they they brought to me a bunch of people that i don't want to name and then they they i'll tell you who i had to co-audition with you couldn't do the man show until nbc gave you the out so you were always on hold on waivers by the way shout out to nbc for letting me [ __ ] do that i don't know why they even let me do that well i don't know why they let me do that but the only way i would do it was with you in the meantime you know i had there were they had 10 comics that you had to audition with separately okay you guys now we're gonna pair you and you up and you write a monologue and then have one sketch prepared and you do it in front of a fake audience of like eight 19 homeless people that we could lure in here for five dollars but i so dane cook was one i love i love my history with dane cook never a fan of his comedy but i'm not a fan of most comedy but we did fine we co-existed patrice i got hooked up with patrice and as we're going back to the room to try to write a monologue in a sketch he just looked at me not pleasantly and said i don't work well with other people and i think uh this is going to be tough oh no no and then ralph's no patrice before that i had seen him or met him at a just peripherally the chicago comedy festival said no i didn't know
oh that's what he he yeah he was joking around yeah no he wasn't but he wasn't he was most comics don't work with other comics we we do our own [ __ ] and if you have to work around another comic it usually sucks unless you have some jeff ross david tell chemistry right right right where you can ride the ride but it ralph garmin was the other one so when i love ralph when you had just gotten approved if you hadn't gotten the okay from nbc it was going to be either me and dane cook or me and ralph garman uh and then you get the thing you go no stan hope or no one yeah because they were like they gave me like a whole list of people i go get get get i go stand hope that's it there's stan hope for no one and they look are you serious i go yeah i don't want to do this unless it's stand hope if you bring me stanhope i go we got a project and then they called you and you said yes and then they called me and they said stan hope said yes and i'm like okay we're on and they were lying to us through their [ __ ] teeth they're like you could do nudity we'll blur it out you could swear they go we want to get sued that's what they said to me in the meeting but you weren't there they said we want to get sued if we get sued it'd be great i go stand hopefully we're going to get sued i go he's the animal i go this is perfect because i have so much obligations already with fear factor that i knew that stan helped people take care of it i'm trying to i'm trying to dig a layer deeper because we always talk manchester stories and probably we always tell the same ones the thing about what we did on the manchester like if you could do that we don't both of us don't want to do that now but if you could do that where no one would tell you what to do where no one would tell you like what's funny what's not funny just let you do it just leave the funny to the funny people but the problem is if i was running a [ __ ] network and i was running comedy central or nbc or anything it's hbo max and a bunch of wild [ __ ] like you and me we're just gonna go crazy and say a
bunch of nutty [ __ ] that's going to get us sued and get us in trouble i wouldn't do that either no i no i understand i understand too yeah they had a like you know what i could make tgi fridays better but yeah yeah but it wouldn't be tgi fridays and no one would show up exactly someone just asked me hey we should write a movie together uh i can write the the format and you come up with the ideas i go no one would want to see a movie that i would want to write i get that that's not true you have like this like weird like embracing of humility that i think is uh is admirable but also it's like you play you you're saying this to the the [ __ ] self-sabotaging is but generally what i laugh at is things that other people don't laugh at the few songs i like because i'm not a music guy you hate music yes i do and that's not possible well because i'm not gonna burn a bit because i just came from key west where every [ __ ] bar you go past has a single act guitar guy going it's a marvelous night for a moon dance and i'm like finally this is giving legs to that thought and now that's these [ __ ] notes on my hand i'm writing that bit i'm not getting writing on your hand more bits because austin is also a music town you write notes in your hand yeah what are you cheating on i lose pieces of paper if i wake up and i lost my hand i'm not going to worry about how good the joke was you have a phone do you write on your phone no i [ __ ] i'm gonna die and as i go through that same dmt experience i'm gonna realize all the [ __ ] i could have done on a smartphone where i just quit at texting but you i just showed your [ __ ] doctor dr mercy yeah i just showed her how to do wordle and she's gonna be addicted she goes does this come in an app and i go probably but i can google on my i don't do apps i don't do anything but you text
you you use use maps do you use maps do you use navigation when i do uber i have uber on my phone what about uh like waze do you drive no no chili drives i'm too i'm when you get to be my age you're the same age are you february or august august august so no you're not like me i'm now a senior citizen 55 and that means i get 10 off at goodwill on sundays and mondays and i can order off the senior menu at ihop and one day in august you're going to appreciate these perks in life damn i get some perks in like just a few months how weird is that that when we were kids 55 was dead you were a dead man it was that was the legal age of retirement it was over no 65 right no it kept growing with us i think it was 62 there's a legal age i don't know if it's a legal age it's legal at ihop and ihop is the only rules i recognize this is a nation of law and order but ihop is an international what is this it's 55 across the the rule of 55 irs provision that allows workers who leave their job for any reason to start taking penalty-free distributions from their current employer's retirement plan once they've reached 55. you might as well be explaining cryptocurrency to me i can't read those videos it's an nft [Laughter] yeah you know me yeah it's um one of those things where it's like who's 55 like you know it's all social security stuff especially this does have to be 66 in four months i'm glad you didn't google that and have sammy hagar come up i can't drive 55 but now i can now that i'm old i drive like an old person i get behind the slowest moving [ __ ] semi truck you just chill on my uh on the one part of freeway i have to be on driving from my house to the airport and i'm like i like going slow yeah i'm scared when you were younger scared of things you wanted to get there
quicker but sometimes i still want to get there quicker what would george washington think being stuck behind a semi truck going under no matter if george washington could be in a tesla they have fast you could drive i got into this uh like fascination that it's unexplorable about those fourth world countries that still exist like where you tourists can't go there they still live stone age lives these are tribes that have never heard of trump or kardashians much less george washington was ahead of their time right pow pow new guinea i think there's a few and in the deep amazon yeah and i like i'm so fascinated i've tried to write bits but they're not funny i got a bit you'll see it tonight about that yeah [ __ ] you you always beat me how dare you i read things about those folks because there's not much to read yeah there's plenty i'll send you some stuff all right well it's too late you already got the [ __ ] i'll show you tonight it's uh the senegalese yeah there's that the you know the pap pound new guinea people are really interesting because there's a group called the semen warriors of papua new guinea and it's like a ritualistic semen no it's a ritualistic child molestation organization that they've developed on this island it's crazy so you pull that up semen warriors of papao new guinea they they are these are the ones that they killed the christian no that's the north sentinel island that's what i'm talking about the zambia tribe in papua new guinea have tradition that is fascinated and confused many they are the tribe that drinks semen to turn boys into men and we bring you everything you need to know about them click on that there's a there's a tribe that has somehow or another ritualized uh sexual abuse of young boys and they they call the father uh like like that catholic church no it's even i'm just talking all the hacks that are listening going why didn't they go with the catholic church catholic church joke in the first stages a sharp stick of cane is inserted deeply into the young boy's nostrils until he bleeds
profusely young boys are also introduced to older warriors who are told that bachelors are going to copulate with them to make them grow through most of the six stages much rather throughout much of the six stages i'm so hammered right now i'm just thinking that's a lot to type into a you porn search engine it's a lot you're reading i don't think you have videos the act of having the stick of cane inserted into the nostrils and then the performance of in quotes fellatio are integral to the process of becoming a man so you have to suck a dick to become a man while the former practice is often derided by many as inhumane in quotes and the latter is often referred to as homosexual in quotes behavior the zambia's understanding and purpose behind these two processes differs from our conventional understanding it's it's so insane well also right that would first of all homosexual in quotes that's not uh this is pedophilia it's different i know but there's a point where they go cane in the nostril that can cause diabetes and diabetes affects 66 of them i think they were sticking sticks up dudes noses to keep them like uncomfortable so they would suck a dick additionally the act of performing fellatio in the act of ingesting semen is seen as an integral part of manhood because boys are unable to mature into men unless they ingest semen and they adhere to the notion that all men have in quotes eaten the penis what's the website pulse.org it's actually it says that ng so it's like that's kind of like jesus yeah you eat this thing because before it is my body but it's a cra it's my dick burn here's the thing like like when you talk about catholic priests right the the the weird thing about when when grown men sexually molest boys is that those boys at an alarming rate sexually molest other boys oh my god this is twice you've led me into something where i go this is one of my favorite jokes but i'm
not burning my [ __ ] act you'll hear it tonight oh you're tonight but you know what i'm saying it's like that's a crazy it's like a vampire thing it's like imagine you can bite a person that person becomes a vampire if you molest a person who's young that person becomes a molester then it's almost like that and this whole island is like one of my favorite bits it's just vampire island vampire and actually it's the same bit you've almost led me into twice and one was from an hour ago oh look at this imagine sticks up your [ __ ] dr mercy just did this to me outside just to be in here they did the same thing now do i have to suck your [ __ ] because i've already had the cane up my nose you suck jamie's [ __ ] and i live stream it this jamie or jamie kennedy this one we can't sell a [ __ ] sex tape with this jamie jamie kennedy and doug stanhope d-listers at best but sucking each other's costs they're going right up to a b jamie kennedy uh no jokes aside had a great um documentary on about hecklers yeah i remember that you were in it were you well invite rudolph to those reindeer games jamie kennedy is a fun follow on instagram too it was a great documentary until he got into the part where he's a costing reviewers who didn't like malibu's most wanted that's like that's like kevin james going you know what say it to my face that paul blart mall cop was bad say it to my face well it was bad paul blart's a good if you have five-year-olds it's a good movie i don't it's funny movie he's just it's like physical it's one of those uh i watched it i didn't hate it but malibu's most wanted i'll tell you what jamie kennedy experience remember that i love hidden cameras so much so good these are the best jokers i watched now they're at 10 seasons and i record that's my only thing that i watch dvr'd that makes me laugh through a [ __ ] sunday marathon hangover i know i've seen this 18 times i watch every episode i laugh every [ __ ] time some people might think it's soft and you suck because those guys are genuine shitty hidden camera because i'm a
[ __ ] love hidden camera remember dom jolly uh uh what was dom jolly's what is this jamie the jamie kennedy experience let me tell you something jamie kennedy had the best hidden camera show the world's ever known let me tell you right now i'll put it up again i don't know what what the [ __ ] happened on canada camera i was too young i loved it i'm sure it was great jamie kennedy jamie kennedy experiment it's the best show ever in terms of like hidden camera shows have you seen not as bad as what's ashton kutcher did you punk it's better did you see guys gone nuts oh those girls gone wild but with guys they had guys gone nuts and they talked to these guys and doing gay [ __ ] wait we did that no no no we did the hidden camera with the heavy metal band on the man show no there was a time the [ __ ] producers had to come to the writers room and they had to draw straws up at the production company to tell us who's going to tell them you have to stop doing so much gay [ __ ] you can't keep telling the audience they're gay well all right guys jamie kennedy had this thing where it was girls gone wild was in its peak of stardom and these guys were going to get famous and they were like whoa we got picked i can't believe this and jamie kennedy is like the host of guys got nuts and he starts explaining to these guys that they're going to have to do gay stuff and they all agree slowly we did that america's next triple x star and a guy give me some volume yeah we did now they're nervous they're on they're on stage it's a gay tape dog it's a gay tape he says after watching that kid but i don't think it's guy's going nuts i think it's guys going banana [Applause] coming up the reason i brought you guys up here is because i'm looking for a few gay ambassadors it all depends on what i have to do thank you very much
and later every day at around three o'clock my best friend michael [Applause] back it up so we get on here three o'clock my best friend michael my wife right here in this hotel so what time is it jamie kennedy i watched the new jackass how have you seen it no i haven't it's [ __ ] they're all good it's amazing they're all great it was great and i like i don't think i would do one out of ten of these well you're 55 but you're ready for retirement but when i watched uh both borat and bruno i'm like i wouldn't do and i was gonna put that out as a twitter poll what are you least likely to decline doing this bit like in practical jokers i would do 80 of those they're they're embarrassing and awkward but it there's not going to be a broken bone or uh so yeah that's my twitter poll from this podcast would you rather do any episode of bruno or [ __ ] jackass what about you doug stanhope has spoken give me that little lighter outside thank you what is this non-spoiler for you without because you have to see would you be more embarrassed doing something awkward or physical like would you rather get your nuts stapled to a [ __ ] park bench or good question i hosted fear factor i can't be embarrassed anymore well you didn't do the things you get to gloat it's a difference what is happening here they lock them together with the tarantula and wherever the tarantula goes to has to get then bitten by it but the funny part is here's who else is locked in this with him the other guy is a hardcore like lifer prisoner kind of guy that has been let out and he's been in prison but he's hates spiders and so watching him deal with that is what's the uh other guy uh aaron aaron from jack guys yeah is that the prisoner no no no no no you'll know the prisoner i brought this up to bring up this part they locked him in a room with a bear
he didn't know the bear was going to be there it was doing a lie detector test it strapped him to a chair and then dumped honey and salmon and giant knoxville leaves the room and then america shows up just get the [ __ ] out of him what the [ __ ] man it's pretty that i mean it's funny yeah it's funny like if you do it five times four will be funny it it's the way he commits to it and doesn't like cry and just like every he does johnny knoxville is permanently [ __ ] catheterized from doing this for a living yeah this is what he put himself through what happened with johnny knoxville oh my god yeah he broke his dick a long time ago yeah oh my god look at him in her hair look at him in the air that's insane like i peta demands animal scenes be removed yeah i don't know the scene that happened he got his dick i demand you stop showing these scenes of animals kicking [ __ ] that's one of your old bits which one what animals attack and you root for the animals yeah yeah it's uh you shouldn't be there there's one thing if you're like in the wrong place you're in a plane crash you get eaten by wolves i get it [Laughter] you got a honey on your dick and you're on a [ __ ] movie yeah that [ __ ] would you want a speedo like i i wish i could uh look at him but it's like this you can't even you have to see it stevo's face look at his face [Laughter] sasha baron cohen would do the most uncomfortable things so would you rather be physically abused or be in a place where everything inside of your guts is like this is so [ __ ] crazy i think sasha baron cohen is obviously funnier yeah but that is like you can't lose you should no one should do this thing that everybody did which one punch in the ball oh yeah i know this guy's not just francis and gano punches somebody in the ball jackass would break oh my god that's such a bad
idea that's so that's so i didn't tell him that was who he was going to get punched by either oh my goodness that was going to be a lightweight and then ghana walks around the corner so crazy oh that guy punches so hard on your balls you might lose a ball a lot of guys i know it's balls yeah that's the thing about jackass right is that it's really happening it's like those guys are really getting hurt remember when stevo was in a tree and the lions were up in a tree with him i'm like you don't have any idea what those lions are going to do i know he has a hat on he's like a straw hat he covers his it falls into the category where people say public speaking is the number one fear well did you measure that versus i might have my balls eaten by a lion right they don't right look at this the lions are coming up the [ __ ] thing and they're holding on and they're biting his hat do you know how [ __ ] insane that is they just decided they didn't want to eat him it's just a random maybe yes maybe no i don't want to eat stevo it's uh they got a key there was no we're talking about everyone has different parameters of what terrifies them and yeah public speaking no i i'm not afraid of it because i'm i'm pretty good at it and even when i suck at it i don't care you're literally a professional well you're a professional i remember the first time i got paid for comedy i got ten dollars and i called my brother i go technically i'm a professional now because i got paid ten dollars he goes does that mean you get to take off the protective headgear and the oversized gloves uh my brother's pretty funny how rude he was diminishing your accomplishments that's why i haven't talked to him since 2016. i have no family left well at least it's not like dane's brother stole his money yeah he just borrowed he just hid it in his walls okay [ __ ]
went sideways no no he would like overspend his [ __ ] no he had like he stored it no he my brother was oh yeah my brother yeah he would just live outside of his means which i've always lived on the cheap which is why my shit's paid for right and i don't uh but like one time he he would sneak drinking because his wife didn't want him drinking and he drank in the basement and called me up and one time he got blackout drunk and we've all done this in my group but as you woke up and you pissed on something you thought was a toilet and he goes i pissed on my wife's 2 000 laptop that she uses for work i hate to ask you i have a few people in my life i hate to ask your butt that always you've hated to ask me over and over for 10 years he says i hate to ask you but can you help me i got to replace this it's going to destroy my relationship i'm like i don't have a 2 000 laptop myself why would i pay for your wife's because you get drunk and pissed all over it thinking it was a toilet i i'm i live within my means i have a 600 laptop so [ __ ] you [ __ ] imagine thinking a laptop is a toilet like was there a toilet on the screen no yeah how [ __ ] up are you well it could be anything it'd be a coffee mug garbage can i i i will give me uh sean rouse was haley once had to sean rouse woke up he had passed out before all of us were partying in a hotel room in san diego ocean beach and sean rouse had thankfully fallen down because he was almost biting people and then he woke up to piss and we had ordered pizza sean rouse goes directly with his eyes closed to the wrong side of the room and starts to piss on the air conditioning unit and chile the best tour manager ever gets up and grabs the empty pizza box and puts it in front of his stream of piss as he tries to walk him towards the toilet oh my god and those were just normal stories normal from the day yeah that's not like you remember one time in
84 no no one no no that was no normal normal it's honest i think it's been since the our end of the world part two people don't remember that was part two was the trump election the original end of the world was at the will turn and that was in 2000 that was the mayan calendar yes that was the mayan calendar one december 21st 2012 it was diaz you me was hanging out burr was hanging out burke came to just watch and uh honey honey i didn't even know burr was there until he was in the green room well he was trying to the same way i didn't go over and talk to [ __ ] chappelle when he's at a coffee shop across the street but my friend already but he just came because he thought it was cool that's what a good diaper is yeah he's like that i don't want to bother people no he said to me he goes i think it's [ __ ] awesome you guys sold this show out and that was in 2012. it was a big deal it was like he loved it because he loves joey and he loves me and he loves you and it was like for him it was like a big moment that we sold out the wilter and for this wild show because that was when that was at a time where most people were just doing theaters uh or clubs rather yeah and to do like a theater in l.a on like a big one like the will turn on a specific date was kind of a fun big deal uh cut to 2016 yeah where bingo's in a coma i'm [ __ ] i'm just ruining that show but you guys are very nice to me you did not point being ever since then and i just the the the book i wrote was about that everything in one book ended year was [ __ ] from bingo and i went on the impractical jokers cruise and i got drunk and [ __ ] a stripper that she was walked in on whoops and then everything and that's when amber heard sued me in the spring like everything and it ends with my wife going into a coma that she might not live through and i said [ __ ] it i'm still going to do that end of the world thing yeah and
[ __ ] marilyn manson showed yeah it was and hannigan was just bringing brandos on stage yeah because i couldn't hannigan was like the manager of it so like also there's a new person on stage and he was probably [ __ ] up too yeah for sure point is it was brilliant uh now i forget the why i started this story end of the world yeah uh that podcast was probably the last time i stopped having stories like my [ __ ] up stories we stopped having big parties bingo can't have over stimulation after a traumatic brain injury which was just like coveted was such a beautiful excuse to get out of [ __ ] yeah i can't covert yeah i'm using covet as an excuse yeah bingo's brain injury we don't need to have [ __ ] giant parties there anymore well it was a beautiful way to get old giant parties are great if they're great i went to [ __ ] dave chappelle's after party where the night after i saw him hanging out i was putting my set together for the netflix you guys know each other he came to my christine hodge that head of the class girl that i just talked about that starred in the movie she was my girlfriend when i turned 30 and she threw me a surprise party at farfalla it was a bar that was near the formosa or something and she had got my back then you had to write your telephone numbers down in a book and she called all these people that were in my book i'd only worked with him once in punchline san francisco and he showed up at my 30th birthday party oh [ __ ] your day like surprise party uh and just when i was just in la she was there and she's like i told her about dave chappelle and the tour buses that are taking pictures the wrong direction right dave chappelle's right over there uh she goes does dave remember that you guys were like really good friends i go
we weren't good friends you stole like i worked with him once and i had his phone number and you called everyone in my phone list to come to this party and i was as surprised as anyone that he was there but it's weird to think he was [ __ ] famous when we were kids yeah that was 1997 is when i turned 30 and uh oh dave chappelle's here and that was before the chappelle's show way before i met david who's 19. was he was famous no he wasn't back then well not as famous as no he was unknown when i met him i met him in new york he was uh doing catcherizing star he was really young he was really funny but he was uh so composed for someone who was that young and then i i hung out with him in montreal a few years later like maybe two or three years later maybe he's like 21 and uh he did street comedy we took off his hat and he said uh he put his hat on the ground and he did comedy for like just random people on the street and they put money in his hat i really love that guy and what he was doing doing during covid we could have done in bisbee yeah because we we do shows yeah you got my house but i was like like everyone that i knew was afraid of coving i remember bingo saying some some guys stop by to go here take a road atlas you touched the same road atlas he touched and the paranoia i'm like yeah you're probably gonna be fine but uh yeah chappelle we should have been doing shows like that at the fun house maybe you know but he he had a lot of resources you know he did uh he had a lot of testing and he flew people in privately like he he didn't make any money he lost money on all those shows like a lot of money but he i lose money picking up a bar tab but it's a lot in relation to how much money you have yeah it's a lot of money he lost a lot of money and the way he did it was like he did it to make comedy alive again he wanted to do comedy he did it outside in like a
wedding venue and um and i never it never lined up with me where i had the time to go down there and it was over it was over before i could go back to go to there rather but then we started doing shows in austin you know he and i started doing shows in austin like uh october of 2020 outside you know no people we had done a bunch before we well we've done a few before we did the we did the tacoma dome in tacoma washington we broke the the record for the attendance we did 25 000 people together in the tacoma dome before the pandemic i i i know that you've either adjusted to do that but you were always like me i'm a club guy i want to see the back row i'm still a club guy it doesn't matter just do comedy i'll bring you with me you want to come and do an arena it'll be fun no i don't hate them you don't know you have you done it i certainly wouldn't want to do it as a [ __ ] opening act douglas suffered through it if i'm getting all the [ __ ] gate yes if you want to do like 15 minutes or 20 minutes or even a half an hour in the arena you let me know i'll have an opening act warm everybody up get everything cracking and then you go up it's fun it's just fans i would do that for the story listen to me it's not for the story it's 15 000 people who love you it's okay it's no different than 200 people or 300 people or 500 people it's just a different it's a difference i do 3 000 at the hammersmith 02 in london perfect that's the biggest and i hate it because my fans want to talk to me yeah and when they're 2 900 seats away and they have that gibberish [ __ ] accent that's i don't know what you're yelling at but that's a different thing what i'm saying is like it's it's no different than any other kind of comedy if if more people have a chance to see you that's better and they enjoy it they're happy you're there they just want to see you you do your [ __ ] you have a good time it doesn't matter if it's 200 people or 2 000 people or 20 000 people it's the same thing yeah but you have to know how the inside of my head works i know how the inside of your
head works because it works like the inside my head works the same way i was very apprehensive about doing arenas even doing theaters i was like theaters suck like clubs is the way to go oh did you finally bring out the buffalo trance yay yeah they're all good dude it's not buffalo trance you're in a chance though you're in a buffalo trance uh it's not canadian club which i buy in a plastic handle so you get microplastics that's why your balls are shrinking it's bad for you oh my my balls as my penis shrinks it's going into my balls how's your genitalia it's okay it's hanging in there wait till august when you're my age and that's gonna be a different story dude i'm like that kitten on that poster like hanging there baby like hanging friday's coming yeah you know that poster the kitten that's me yeah that poster that most of general voting block society still thinks is funny it's hilarious i got up at seven in the morning just to work out that's me well the one that i like is the one where it's hanging it says friday's curtain and the spencer gifts in there baby yeah yeah when you used to buy posters how many hang in there hang in there oh my god it's hard to it's hard to soar with the eagles when you work with the turkeys back when posters before they became bumper stickers and you go oh this person laughs at this every day and i work hard at stand-up comedy when this [ __ ] [ __ ] has a bumper sticker how many hang in there babies are there this is amazing i didn't know wait you're almost my age remember the one with the the kid who had spaghetti on his head yes what was the catch phrase of that poster poster toddler with spaghetti on his head kid with spaghetti on his head that was huge comedy back that one no no poster it was like oh the first one over there why not which one the top the first one
same guy same picture oh well it's it's in color because that's how i had why me no it's not the same picture at all yeah don't look at the two side by side i hate to be wrong joe you're definitely the exact same picture exact 100 percent the one that one and the one next to it one screaming and one's happy i'm saying it's not the same picture and i don't know be right that one is the same as that one oh okay uh yeah he showed the one beside it first the screaming kid i think there's not as funny i think it's funny someone hacked it up baby with spaghetti on head photo by george s how do you say that name trebent trabant trevant life magazine 1960. wow wow 1960. see that's what i love about like old [ __ ] if i look at like an old dresser like it's from 1945 like what was it like when the people that were making this dresser what was what was life like for them i uh so into the 70s another cigarette i'm i'm fascinated by people that were living back when there was no access to information you have a [ __ ] navy seal team six worth of security out here i'm the number one podcast on the planet earth i know so [ __ ] send them to go get a pack of spirits we're okay i have to have security now there's too many systems i know i actually when i when i came back from 18 months off you never quit you were still doing shows here and again even secret shows i did not do a show and one of the bits for the first couple months the first few shows i do where no one can hear you die mountain time zone flagstaff wyoming montana yeah just where they're just happy that anyone ever came covert or not right and i did have a bit that i used you as an example about having we're all fighting for the minds of the stupid
what do you mean i don't know that's why i dropped the bit but but we're all trying to convince someone that our opinion's right on some level the first time i said it it made sense on a podcast and i go i'll make this a bit but how many stupid people can you tolerate like i make a good living at a reasonable amount of [ __ ] dummies no you you make a living off of rebels you make a living off of people that don't want to do what they're doing and they want to they want to believe that this is temporary and they're right they know this it's not going to last no matter what anybody says and i don't care if you wear a bow tie if you wear [ __ ] shiny shoes if you drive a tesla it's going to end it's going to end and you're going to die and you're going to rot and worms are going to eat your body and bacteria is going to take over your organism that's it that you die at the end period and the the the structure the structure that your parents subscribed to and my parents subscribed to and and everybody before them did is is incorrect it's it's it's a like a scaffolding it's a thing you hold on to when you're walking and you think that the rails are the guide they're not it's not there's no guide it doesn't make sense it's life and death and the only thing that's good is what feels good when you're a happy person and your friends are happy and you're enjoying life and you just like can hope you can spread that energy out to other people so that when you pass they spread it further and when they pass they spread it to other people and all of us can elevate together that's it that's it and it doesn't make sense and it doesn't have to because stars are dying planets are [ __ ] imploding supernovas are happening you know it's not going to be on tmz or [ __ ] buzz vulture or [ __ ] tmz [ __ ] dot scam [ __ ] is that quote they take you they find these muckrakers not just you and i do have a bit about this where just they try to find one thing you said to polarize people and i at one point is very high at home i go
listen it's taken out of context i don't i do nothing with my life but i still think i don't have three hours to listen to a podcast yeah but i know you and i know that you're being taken out of context but i was high and i made someone in the room do the math i go how many podcast episodes has he done and it's like 1685 i go times that by three this is how many episodes of the joe broken podcast it was like 231 solid days you would have to listen to joe rogan to put him in context where it's so easy to take 80 seconds and vilify you yeah and then i go thank god i'm making a decent living under the radar but that's okay too i don't know i'm very happy but i'm but am i my side i mean people do vilify me that's okay if that's what you want to do but you're just going to let people examine it they're going to let people examine your prognosis your your interpretation and they're going to decide oh you're being disingenuous you're you're taking people out of context if you want to take a person at the worst thing they've ever said ever and say that's you forever well that's nonsense because that's not what people are i would hope that every single person listening to this watching this is growing and learning every day you [ __ ] up you learn you get better it's part of being a person you're born confused and and clueless and and slowly you accumulate experiences and information and revelations and at a certain point in time we would hope we would hope that you would be better than you used to be and i think i am i'm better than i used to be but am i perfect no am i am i better now than i was 10 years ago 100 am i better than i was 20 years ago 100 am i do i hope to be better from now in 10 years yeah i do if you were as knowledged and we've talked about this i remember talking about it on a podcast where you yeah i read books so i could sound smarter but that's like being humble the reality is i read books because i want to know yeah i want to know what someone else thinks and then including that into your act
yeah but it's also it's like i want to know it's not just my act anymore it's like when i was young it was my act because i wanted to make a living i wanted to be good and then once i got a living and i got okay and now i want to know what what do i think i don't remember when you once told me and it's vivid right yeah well bill hicks would read gnome chomsky and then like put a dick joke into it and say it on stage and i've said that in specials like like i'm gonna i'm the guy that will call you stupid for not knowing what i just read yesterday and truly believe but it's a joke it's like you're you're [ __ ] around right and that's the thing about talking [ __ ] and one of one of the things that bill hicks did is he exposed people to ideas that they weren't aware of before i didn't know about terence mckenna until i heard what bill hicks said what five grams he said reach under your table there's a there's five dried grams or what terence mckenna would say is a heroic dose like who was terence mckenna and i started reading and terence i read it because you and then the god yeah and then all of his books and you just you listen to his lectures and you're like i heard terence mckenna what he said when i first did dmt i literally heard the words he said he said do not give in to astonishment i heard that from like whatever the [ __ ] the entities were and it's like that that's the thing about comedy is like you can just tell jokes and you can also tell jokes that like lead you to think differently and i don't think hicks is the funniest guy ever but i think hicks is the most influential guy ever because like he's the guy that said things in a way like if you have to listen to lenny bruce it's unlistenable because he has the jargon of the day that it you know it doesn't make sense there's a few things but i do understand where he was a groundbreaker but hicks yeah well that's our life we were live i didn't laugh at hicks we were a lot we weren't alive in 63 or 64. when lenny bruce is doing heroin and opening up for musicians and jazz bands and stuff like
but the recorded stuff it doesn't apply to that jargon yeah almost like a man you dig yeah he had before my nizzy was like i don't know what that means uh that's it that's it yeah my dizzy is like people make up their own [ __ ] well he was not no one existed before him he's the he's patient zero in the the comedy war he's the guy floyd mary he's the guy he's the guy i have a ton of uh uh i have in my office i have lenny bruce giving the finger i look at it before i write i do i just like that guy's the first guy that ever like had whatever it was whether it was heroin or just uh indignance he just decided he wasn't buying into the cultural narrative he was the first guy and he was the guy that like would say things on stage that was like commentary on situations are there any n words in the audience i don't want to get into any more [ __ ] problems lol are there any whops any [ __ ] kites yeah yeah he did that he said if you say that word enough they won't it won't mean anything anymore yeah that's why they're trying to split us apart but then it's not they man it's like people it's like when you say they're fake people too but it is a lot of fake people it's also people that just want to be a part of the winning team like this is what's going on it's like people that attack and people that like jump in and people that like like think that it's important to like speak their truth and i know what they're doing man it's not all bad they're trying to make the world a better place and they're trying to establish themselves and their opinions as being valid and they do it by criticizing people and they do it by trying to diminish other people and minimize other people's people like to fight but it's okay it's okay everything's fine it's okay but i mean it's okay it's like that's a part of the process it's like it's not bad and some people think it is bad they think they they are your dire enemy but it's not real the the reality is we're all buzz culture [ __ ] take this clip and put it out
there hey joe rogan does actually [ __ ] make sense sometimes it doesn't make it doesn't matter it doesn't matter i know it does they don't have to do it because more people are listening this and sells tickets will read that [ __ ] sells click bait but it doesn't matter they can do that it's okay it's not real if you don't express yourself in an honest objective manner people are going to know and if you have an agenda and you want to say doug stanhope is a piece of [ __ ] and he's a loser and is this that that's not real to people that know you right the same as everything else like you can you can take an angle and i cannot kind of understand your angle if i was you and i was living in your life and i was watching this person it's getting undo and if there's anybody that gets an undue amount of attention it's [ __ ] me i'll tell you as me it's me but it doesn't matter everyone knows it's you a hundred percent but i don't care it's still creepy that you are the voice of it's bizarre like if you have known me for so many years it's preposterous you've never i didn't trust her once i didn't try that i didn't try to be this person i didn't i literally didn't even ask you do fall for conspiracy theories at a higher rate than i do yes because a lot of times i've followed you but one of the times dave attell and joe rogan are the two people when we only talk like once a year on the phone but same as a tell but if i get the call i go do i have an hour and 20 minutes to talk because we don't talk that much but we we do talk and one of the times before you actually moved here but that was the plan we talked for over an hour you talked mostly but i didn't have much to say but you told me i because i wrote it down to hear about this wayfarer i wrote it down wrong it was mayfair or vice versa what's mayfair that [ __ ] q conspiracy where they're selling you look it up look it up what is mayfair where they were pretending to sell [ __ ] q on children
through a [ __ ] furniture do you know this wayfair mayfair my favorite way fair way to write the first time i told you about this there was a thing about it you should because these fake catalogs are very weird you had just heard it so i wrote it down and by a week later when i actually searched it had it had been debunked and then that was you're confusing me with somebody for sure i don't even know about this one just heard about it so maybe you discounted it and i didn't hear about it until right now i'm very good at knowing what i remember what is that what is this what is this conspiracy it's not it this was very popular like a year and a half ago i said jesse what was it there were a bunch of people online were like wait what's going on with these fake they were calling them like fake posts for uh dress or drawers like the stick store and they had a strange name attached to them like a code name that was like some weird thing that i saw there was a bunch of people that were pretty blaming you it's sex trafficking yeah yeah you should look it up because you would just heard about it but hold on buy into this or or be clear about this i did not buy into this it's not like something that i thought was like they were sex trafficking by like selling like dresser drawers and [ __ ] i was reading this thing off of red i go have you read this like this is [ __ ] told me to look it up right but i didn't say it like i believed in it that's not one i believed in okay if you want to say like bigfoot ufos yeah fake moon landing yeah you made me watch a four-hour vhs i'm like a funny thing happened on the way really this is 90s but you're like you're gonna watch this and it's a double decker vhs i rented and i watched both two-hour episodes and then it was at the beginning of google or ask jeeves where i went debunk and i'm like and then now i've spent 12 hours thinking that the moon landing is fake and then i realized i don't give a [ __ ]
if anyone went to the moon here's the thing about my girlfriend's dumping me here's the thing about the moon landing being fake like i think they could pull it off i don't think they did but i think they could yeah this is why this is my position on the moon landing if you want to tell me that it's impossible for the government to pretend that people land on the moon i say [ __ ] if you want to say that people landed on the moon i say probably oh yeah most likely like if you look at the science behind it it seems like they landed on the moon the the problem is when someone lies about anything it leads you to believe they're lying about everything if someone treats like if you look at the time which like this was all going on like when kennedy was president they had proposed the operation northwoods where they were going to blow up that's always been my fallback that's all right if if operation northwoods is true anything could be true and it that's definitely true not only that the gulf of tonkin that led us into the vietnam war yeah it was all fake there there is a 100 percent reality about our government you're gonna have to do [ __ ] full hour to impress you tonight and to state claim that this was my bit wait what bit did he say he already does oh yeah i i gave up on the bit no the one about the fourth world countries in the senegalese we'll talk you won you won you don't even know it might not you might watch the bit you don't like it the point is um it's hard to know what's real if you just accept that the government is being honest because they've been dishonest about so many things and if you you either want to believe the government 100 percent about everything and think they have your best interests at heart which is you know that's a good position you want to live your life and have no worries and hopefully everybody will work it out or you want to admit that money changes everything money influences the way people decide things uh power impact arguing with that hard to argue with the idea that power influences literally
influences the way people like project the world onto other folks influences in terms of like people that are paying you for things or influences in terms of like uh relationships you have with entities that have extreme power you you you can't just assume that all the things you've been told are accurate because they're just not if you go back throughout history like you go back and lead uh schmedley butlers plug lies my teacher told me by lowent yes so an old one still holds up and you are being lied to which is disinformation.com yeah yeah that was a great book that changed my life yeah there's there's many things but the problem is it's not all things and we have to be like really non-attached to ideas you have to realize that ideas are literally just ideas they're not you they're not me if you believe that uh roe versus wade should be codified and it should be into law and i go hey man what about when the baby's six months old what do you do and these are discussions that don't have anything to do with us other than their ideas i love you and i think you're a good person and i know i try very very very hard to be a good person and i would hope that most people listen to this are also trying very hard to be good people i think if we all come together on that notion we're all going to be better off but the problem is when you have tmz uh i sew that and [ __ ] put it out joe rogan says something [ __ ] normal pragmatic bringing people together and you went to oh he said the n-word when ah but listen listen the whole idea about like the border like the border look i'm a [ __ ] grandchild of immigrants all of my grandparents came from europe all of them i don't have anybody i'm i'm third generation 100 percent grandfather talking white privilege again they all came over here man this is a nation of immigrants if you're saying that you should stop immigration 100 it's like that's crazy talk that's crazy talk this is literally holding my hand up in class go ahead mr stanhope uh what do what do they call it when you're uh a a cultural appropriation yes weren't we taught at our age you're almost as old as me almost come getting
close didn't they call that a melting pot as a positive and now it's a positive it's cultural cultural appropriation if you wear a [ __ ] sombrero at [ __ ] cinco de mayo or if you're a white girl and you have hoop earrings what does that mean latinas latinos i decided i think they let that go they let that go because they found out that uh babylonia the [ __ ] babylonians had the earrings like that hoop earrings nobody's well that's where i draw a line if you're trying to be babylonian [ __ ] you you can't i'm gonna get a babylonian tattoo that's my next tattoo i almost got a tattoo last night once that's how i've how [ __ ] up i was if i buy you a house will you get a tattoo for the i don't need any mothership i need you to buy that house out here in austin oh no i almost did i almost moved out here i need you to move out here super important i'll i'll be bi racial or whatever you call it by national law by states you wouldn't even buy coastal we're talking about like both places are centrist center of the country but you know like at the end of the day like it's this this is yeah it's 4 30. i get a piss yeah you got to go piss go past no no no we'll come back no i was this is probably the only joe rogan podcast i've done where i didn't have to finally leave and piss i've had like three whiskeys and four cups of coffee and it's three hours in i'm good i get an extraordinary bladder i when i take a seroquel i told you i took a sarah cool which i don't take and i don't recommend but if you want to sleep for 14 hours it's a heavy psychotic anti-anxiety downer it's like lithium whatever [ __ ] jack nicholson was on and one flew over the test it's like okay i have one night i can sleep like a [ __ ] baby and that's when i woke up and everyone was at the one bar i walked into just trying to find some breakfast
uh it's it's it's a hardcore downer mental mentally ill people are on this for the daytime and i'm like the first time bingo my girlfriend's mentally ill my wife and the first time she gave me one i slept for 24 hours and people are given this to get through their day it's a heavy antipsychotic do you see the the controversy where elon said that uh more people that he knows have uh had better success with psychedelics than they had with uh ssris i i said antipsychotic yeah but did you see that no i it was really interesting because i think it's what's your guy from the comedy store clyde or clive whatever the [ __ ] his name is keep it keep it on the dl don't give him up he's like what does he do what's your problem with elon musk who says that i was talking [ __ ] about some guy elon musk you were last night yeah okay why would he go what's your problem i go well first of all i have to hate him because johnny depp's my friend and he listen if you met one second you wouldn't hate him if you met him i know i know i wouldn't but i love johnny depp and i don't know i'm going there i well johnny depp has a problem with him personally i understand the problem yeah you know like you uh you're [ __ ] the high school kids oh he [ __ ] your girl i i hate that guy i get it i know it's simpleton thinking but i am very vain probably because i have one of the most punchable heads i've never heard to me i do i would not want to punch you no i just hate my [ __ ] head so i hate other people like jamie kennedy or sebastian maniscalco got a good head they're like i i want to punch you in the face sebastian's beautiful just say it gross like there's other comics i hate because they're terrible chelsea handler how dare you what she's i watched a special just to watch it and why do you watch documentary butterflies something positive
are you are you alex jonesing me when i said alex jones's [ __ ] thing his podcast before he was like over the top do you want to do it while you're out here no do you want to do it while you're out here no no he set it up he's gone no no when he started when he saw jones started in austin we were more popular than him and he did this cable access thing yeah and then that guy charlie he's like yeah he's just being a cartoon he's trying to sell tickets and then he bought his own [ __ ] well he's right about enough things that it's very confusing you know alex jones was right about spaghetti against the wall no no no no one of those strips of spaghetti is right no no no he told no he's right about more than spaghetti and so that's why we know about operation northwoods no no no no i knew about that beforehand but he or or in that range i read it online but he told me about bohemian grove he told me about epstein's island when he told me about mc's island i was like that is the craziest thing i've ever heard where a bunch of like really rich influential people and politicians and world leaders go to [ __ ] underage girls i'm like that's crazy it's an island that's crazy and it turns out to be true i was like what and he tells me people who told him about it and how he heard about it jamie remember my counterpoint is joe francis from girls gone wild let's go go ahead no you can't connect the two like i i know you do if you hung out if you hang out with alex you would understand like alex has problems he's definitely had problems have a lot a lot of alcoholism but the problem with alex is all day long he's he's investigating conspiracies and finding out how many of them are accurate and it freaks him out and and he needs someone around him to balance things out and he doesn't have that and when he does have that when alex talks to people like you or me if we if alex is here in a position just cut out no this isn't if we have a good time and alex was like talking about stuff you would know that he knows some stuff that
is bizarre if true and then turns out to be true and then you go what do you what what are you doing like how are you like all day i study these things all day i investigate these things and he does he he has a lot of like really weird influential people who contact him about weird information about [ __ ] that turns out to be [ __ ] accurate man at what point are we responsible for misinformation that's a good question because that's what do you believe in us like here's what they need i don't wanna i don't wanna you and us but you and i are just talking [ __ ] we might be right we might not be right but we're not saying look if you say in order to be a comic it takes a long time and a lot of work and it's a lot of effort you got to go on the road you got to experience different kind of crowds that's accurate and comes from a place of experience if you want to start talking about [ __ ] bohemian grove you've never been there i've never been there we don't know we're talking [ __ ] if if you want to like take my word at talking [ __ ] that's a problem if you want to take my word if we're just discussing something that we saw on the news like what is happening what's going on with roe v wade we don't even know if that is the case and you want to base your world view on that that's not wise and i would tell people don't do that but if you want to stop me from talking about all subjects that i'm not 100 informed on well that's not going to happen so we're going to have to like come to some sort of an agreement here and one of the agreements is like i'm going to be honest with you and if i know things i'm going to tell you that i absolutely 100 know things and if i don't i go did you hear this thing what is this if you want to say i shouldn't talk about this because i don't have a degree in that or i don't know or too many people are listening that's nonsense i'm not saying that i'm the [ __ ] end-all be-all end of information here cuckold is a word that i knew from porn and then everyone adopted that word as i think now on twitter you're just a cuckold you don't even know what it means i'm gonna piss all over this table
if we don't stop this podcast right now i'm going i'm leaving we're gonna pee we'll come right back oh yeah oh you have to pee ha ha first time joe rogan has to pee before me we're back um the beautiful thing about what we went through when we did the mancho was that it it let you know that you can't do this with everybody the re the the average person is gonna like look at what we're trying to do and go [ __ ] that that's terrible that's awful it's going to be but it's the same as podcasts like your podcast is very successful so it's mine no it's not it's fine the people that love it love it the people who love it love it you have a die hard group of people don't lie to me [ __ ] i know you sell out comedy clubs all over the [ __ ] countries like when you're doing shows the people that love it love it why do they love it they love it because it's authentically you with no filter yeah but my podcast is not popular which is fantastic it's like okay if you're into me all right this is what backstage is like and it's pretty boring i'm not i'm not going out shooting [ __ ] gophers and javelinas like you my my never saw a gopher gorf gopher or javelina [ __ ] you talking i thought you went shooting javelinas no you were telling me about that i believe i typically told you not to come to bisbee because you would be so bored because my real off time is just sitting drinking and talking to someone well them javelinas killed your neighbor's dog that's where that was that's this happened that wasn't even javelina's that was javelina's the dog was even more vicious anyway really the dog's more vivid dog was a dog that you're scared of and i don't know the type and the javelin has killed a scary dog yeah very scary dog giant wolf-like javelinas killed a wolf-like dog yeah well it didn't have tusks holy [ __ ] this is 15 years ago so now i'm imagining imagining it as a [ __ ] werewolf but it was a scary dog anyway anyway but you kill javelinas no never wild pigs i would kill javelinas i killed a few wild pigs
they're wild pigs but they're not they're not they're a peccary it's a different animal thank you for remembering that word because every time but they look like wild yeah real similar real similar looking they're blind and they knock over your [ __ ] trash they're not blind they just don't their eyes are not that good same as pigs that's the the thing they have in common with pigs they they operate on movement and smell yeah we have a a friend neighbor dave who's a neighbor oddly enough and he was he's a big fat guy what are you saying he got treed by javelinas he used to run a route that was his job right he was running routes for frito-lay going to walmart and and all the surrounding towns and he would have to get up at four in the morning so he jumped up in the back of his pickup truck because javelinas had gotten inside his gate and he got treed in the back of his holy [ __ ] he's he's the [ __ ] roly-poly man from uh the egg man from uh capitol hill dude javelinas are [ __ ] terrifying and he had to sit there for like four he was late for work because he had to wait for them to leave jesus yeah they're the the most callable animal animal like if you uh like there's like animals that you can call in like turkeys you're like and turkeys will come in they think it's another turkey javelinas are the most callable animal because you you call them in like you're dying you make a screaming noise like if if javelinas think you're in pain they come running in full clip this is a q anon conspiracy no there's videos of it javelinas react better than any animal that i've ever seen that reacts to a call like the calls that they used when they hunt javelinas and javelinas are very edible by the way they're really delicious apparently if you cook
them right we live in javelina territory and we just had this conversation of people that kill javelin and they go ugh no my friends who know how to hunt they they've killed them and they've like prepared them properly they say they're delicious they said it tastes a lot like wild pigs the same thing people say about wild pigs no they're not good to eat but they're very good to eat i want to shoot on this taco place i got so [ __ ] i didn't tell anyone in austin i was here and there's a a very austin taco place involved in my hotel right so i got here two days early so joe rogan can finally tell me where the [ __ ] i'm supposed to go he could have called me ladies and gentlemen he didn't text me he he he used our friend kerry last time i had to [ __ ] go through a red band you didn't just tell me where this studio is whenever you ever text me where i didn't text you because i know you're busy yeah that's the problem yeah you're [ __ ] in your head dealing with [ __ ] tmz or something i don't deal with anybody anyway tacos tacos austin uh thinks it's i'm not gonna say the name of the place but it's attached to my hotel i i got in late on sunday today is tuesday i know we're doing the thing on tuesday i don't know if it's the podcast or the show i told you it was the show you don't listen yeah it was the show but i didn't know about the podcast and the show i told you both well it wasn't in the text feed so like we talked on the phone the point is i don't want to bother you you should have a chili or a hennigan i can call the guy that's not bothered with [ __ ] life so i'm gonna tell you what i said to al madrigal one time al madrigal was talking to me about having a an assistant i go just do less [ __ ] if you need an assistant do less [ __ ] you don't want an assistant you have some person in your life it's like it's unmanageable like maybe maybe i'll be given bad advice maybe he's better off with that but for
me i don't want i don't want anybody like that's like giving me my schedule every day i've no interest in that i will do less less things less things you're probably drunk less often than me so i have to count even if i was what did i say last night what did i say did i agree to do something still with you yeah still i forget my point tonight we're going to have a good [ __ ] time yeah i know i i know that i i know the chunk because when i did uh skank fest or you're doing this show that show the other show and they're like i don't do right 15 minutes like you don't right you do chunks everything i learned okay during skankfest okay this is whatever 12 15 8 minutes i don't know but i know how it begins and ends so that's what i'm doing tonight is the bits that you tried to lead me into and i went i'll save that i'm not going to burn material tonight ladies and gentlemen if you get this it'll be too late yep while you're listening is the next day and we've already gone i think i've done two texas tours where i've not purposely done austin which is in texas my biggest draw why have you purposely not done austin because i'm waiting out of [ __ ] respect for you to have a thing open and you've had some i appreciate that ups and downs i appreciate that very much well it's not really been ups and downs it was a little bit of a down but honestly the up that came after the down is way better it's the place we have now is a way better location it's a way better situation we have an amazing architect we got everybody here and also like all the people that we hired had a chance to just relax for a year and just like financially for me i when i i showed up here still not knowing what we're doing after i asked you for details of where's and whens and what's and i got [ __ ] radio silence you didn't all i know you asked an old phone i guarantee you i'll show you the phone oh do you want nothing on my phone do you want to lose them these are all yeah
100 these are all see these texts right here douglas douglas douglas see these texts they're all from me to you all of them the last one from me where do i have to be when and you said fantastic can't wait to see you without giving me any [ __ ] exactly details that is accurate but then if you want to send that to a year ago but then under that i tell you when and where and it's yesterday i tell you yesterday that was after i ate 50 milligrams okay i understand what you're saying but i had given you the date and the time i i really had it's just like you had forgotten so i gave it to you again it's all good no i didn't i'm very happy i just want to be right i want to be right you're right i suck yeah roseanne barr that's my girl okay she's gonna see her tonight i love her to death roseanne barr like i reached out to her like immediately after all that [ __ ] happened with her and i said listen they don't know you they don't understand what's happening like if you want to come to my podcast and and talk about it and then people started showing up with [ __ ] news organizations this is another conversation we have to have off the air okay because that night i was fancying myself a ray donovan and i go what you should do is joe rogan's podcast don't say [ __ ] i'll show you these texts that's hilarious get everything well it's like my thing to her that i said to her like when she first came on the show i said i think you're one of the greatest comics of all time and i said and i said i and i know you and also i know what happened to you and what people don't know about roseanne barr is that roseanne barr was hit by a car when she was 15 and she was put in a mental institution for nine months she had a severe brain injury and so the benefits of her chaos were roseanne the television show her hbo specials her amazing stand-up is this wild creative like unhinged person but the reason for that was because of a traumatic brain injury and like i love her as a comic and i love her as a person i love her as like like what she did for comedy she's
one of the best comics of all time she's one of the best women comics has ever lived and one of the top 20 comedians have ever lived you put roseanne in there because she was a monster in her prime she was a monster i remember seeing her first on hbo she showed up in 2016. it's in that [ __ ] whatever no encore for the donkey she showed up and did guest sets in colorado springs and and salt lake city ah that's awesome and [ __ ] destroyed i don't know if you know christine levine one of my favorite comedians she's like most of my friends [ __ ] but best comic and i would i was hosting i was doing a tour where's hosting because i was trying to work out right after a special came out all right why don't i host bring two headliners to comics yeah and i can do 15 15 15. yeah so you get enough of me right that you paid for great idea so she happened to be in colorado and salt lake where she's from salt lake but she grew up in denver so she showed up twice christine levine is a woman of a proportionate size and very uh roseanne barr-like so i would introduce her saying a lot of people call her the next roseanne barr and i would bring her up to do 10 to 15. right then i go we have a special guest who's a local act and we can all take a little bit of time to support a local act that's from here they call her the next roseanne barr here's roseanne barr and she'd come up with a baseball hat and it would take like 10 seconds for people to go oh [ __ ] that is roseanne barr wow and crush and she so now she's she's just signed on to do uh some fox has uh like a paramount plus or whatever plus a streaming service i'll never figure out but she just and she's like hey i just signed a thing to do this in september and i need help
from working on a new act and i talked to her for like you want to tell over an hour if you're gonna is this recently yeah so she has a new deal they [ __ ] up so hard when they canceled her when they got rid of her off that show and that show went away she canceled herself you don't get cancelled there's a comic breathing life into this [ __ ] because they fired her from her her own television show they 100 canceled her they fired her from her own show i'm sorry i thought we were talking about stand-up comedians i'm talking about roseanne like when she did her day after louis ck got cancelled he could have sold out five times as many people across the street that's true that's true but but that's louis doing live stand up and he wanted to take a break but roseanne got fired from her own show and then they tried to do the show without her it was a giant mistake it was just like like she should have been [ __ ] cancelled from her own show she's crazy out of her tits and this is something we'll talk about that's the yeah but isn't that like what made her show amazing in the early days when she had roseanne there's no one she's [ __ ] texting me that people from saturn are invading our country like the [ __ ] guy she sent me text messages at the same time as dima from the ukraine was saying you must tell people about this she was texting me you we need to let people know that people from saturn and i go i don't care about immigrants as long as they pay the cover charge she just needs a platform if roseanne wants to talk about saturn people come sit with me i'll talk to her about people from saturn we're gonna be okay she's fine alex jones is fine you're fine what about you i feel pretty good douglas let's get the [ __ ] out of here we nailed this show this was a good one this was you and me like legit this is like felt like i don't know what happened last time but i was a long time and it was a [ __ ] pandemic i cried i cried when i left here because you [ __ ] walked off the [ __ ] thing and then wouldn't even say goodbye to me no that's not true i hugged you listen you just you talk to me about it afterwards
and i try to console y'all dude it was fine it was fun it was just awkward like what things are awkward sometimes people look we were all going through some weird [ __ ] it was the first time i had left the house after 18 months it was [ __ ] weird it was hard to get loose this this show we came in we got loose and it was normal it felt like a hundred percent like you and me together but there's not it's okay it's like that that's good for everybody to see like this is life life is [ __ ] you i didn't know what the [ __ ] was so many people in bisbee where i live in a town of 5 000 people away they don't even know what stand-up comedy is they don't know sebastian manas galco or [ __ ] i said if i went up and down my neighborhood and knocked on doors going do you know who louis c.k or dave chappelle are they would go why are you at my door right they they don't know but even my ups man right before i left to come out and do this hey i listened to you on rogan i like i'm going back there but i don't know for what let's just delete the old one let's delete the last one no i'll call spotify right now i i i i would never say the n word we'll delete it two two uh podcasts with you i even in my book about 2016 i wrote i could not watch that end of the world podcast because i was so [ __ ] doug i don't watch any of my podcasts no i don't either that's good it's good good just keep moving but this was for the book and i i knew it would be so hard for me to watch that's where i think my wife might die but i'm not going to cancel end of the world trump election podcast because i put it together and i called you and i go before bingo was in a coma i called you i go i don't i don't think and you go no [ __ ] that we have to do this yeah you got to keep doing it and then i thought if i said oh wait now my wife's in a coma he's going to act like that's the dog ate my homework excuse me that's not what i thought i just wanted you to have something that would distract you
from something you couldn't control and i felt like at least if you could get out and do something we would hang out together like you can't control how she recovers and thank god she recovered but you can't control that and we're in a situation where you had an opportunity to do this thing and i was like let's just do this thing it's like if you don't want to do it i understand but it was brilliant but not because of me you guys you and bill bird carried that well i had to leave because i did a set in the or and i found out that sarah tiana and bill burr got in a tremendous argument and i wish that i had the courage to go back and listen to the podcast and find it yeah i can't that's the only thing i wanted to see i wrote that in the book i like i i will tell you everything but i will not watch that because i would hate myself so much but i know what i was i was under duress and [ __ ] yeah you were you were but it was freaked out it was fun even the fact that hannigan kept bringing people on the stage like why is there eight people on stage i was i remember you it was all fun why is it i go uh yeah we we should have more diversity on this that's what he said get the [ __ ] out of here hollywood boy i kicked him into the backstage i remember alan manson called you on the phone i go hang up on him like he's right back there he could walk right through the [ __ ] stage he would not come on he was supposed to come on stage i go come on hang up on him because he was calling you i was like hang up hang up the [ __ ] that dirt marilyn mansion so [ __ ] beautiful he's the most gentle person and what happened that night before we even got to end of the world is in the book and i've not been sued yet what book is this uh no encore for the donkey is that available on amazon no no it's it was an audible exclusive but now the hard copy's coming out i told brian hennigan i said if this is not out in hard copy by the time i do rogan you're fired whoa how is hennigan still around
after the end of the world podcast you should have told him to like you gotta seek your own path sir good luck we're a family give him a sprig of sage and send him into the woods no he's he's here in town is he coming tonight please probably please tell him to come tonight i love him but uh he if it's not out and that now it's my fault because i have to just fix two sentences in the introduction of the physical copy because it's only been out on audible for [ __ ] a year and a half now well just write a short introduction just write a short introduction it's almost as hard as writing your own bio yeah writing on bio is gross my god it's gross disgusting let's get out of here thrilling and entertaining clubs and colleges across the yeah appeals to both the he is an iconoclast and uh he says what we're all thinking but we're afraid to say oh i love those guys douglas me boy i just want to say [ __ ] bisbee all right that's it it's like every place gets weird all every [ __ ] place on earth you live in the [ __ ] middle of the desert people will find you 212 van dyke street hey bisbee arizona that out yeah they come to you no if you google doug jamie google search you doug stanhope's address the problem is not google searching the problem is 11 million people listening to you say your address don't do that to yourself your ratings have dropped i thought it was 30. it might be 80. schizophrenics they'll come they'll come for you you don't want that uh maybe i'll have to do that bit that's a bit i can only do on stage because i can't do it on a podcast doc listen me boy this podcast is get me out how many hours long is this jamie it's like you lost first i did i did piss first um vulcan atx.com that's where we're at
tonight doug stanhope i love you to death uh i'm glad we went through this together all of it including the the last podcast and then this one which is perfect the last one was like i get it i i i take a loss sometimes gotta feel bad i cried after that last podcast you gotta feel bad literally i sent you a video i left here so dejected because you wouldn't talk to me that's not true that's not true that's how i wrote no no no no no no truth is how you remember this snug douglas but i sent you a video i hugged you i said goodbye you left my [ __ ] security guard picked you up on the road that's what i was getting into yeah a fan i know it was my first time leaving the house after 18 months and i drove out here say that i didn't say goodbye to you that's not true it's not true but that might not be true you were frustrated at the awkwardness of the last podcast that's all it was i'm just getting to the point where i'm walking it's like three blocks from a hotel and a guy pulled up goes hey stan hope and i thought it's a random fan yeah you met him that is that is a couple hours earlier well i was walking home all like i might as well have a stick and a pack like i'm i'm humbling my way off like tom yeah my security guy calls me he's like i don't think he's doing so good it's on video if you want to put that video no i don't want people to see my [ __ ] security guy's face oh look for him google search your security guy you had like nine of them you gotta have a few they're all [ __ ] navy seal team six well it's good to have yeah strong men to protect you from dutch dan hope's wins but i i i was so dejected like i [ __ ] up the last one but the point is for the listeners i'm walking home it's three blocks to the closest hotel that i've found right and i'm walking through this industrial
field of [ __ ] blank things and someone yells stay on hope and i think it's a fan and i was so out of my sorts i go yes i will take a random ride from a fan i thought it was a fan and then i started filming it mm-hmm and then i realized oh this is not a fan this is one of your [ __ ] i think kind of how to explain that to you yeah yeah it's [ __ ] yeah don't do that don't just jump into people's cars if any if there's any message we can get out today that can help everyone don't jump into people's cars unless i'm sorry if i'm promoting the time that it went well that i just missed me boy let's wrap this up get me out of here instagram please give him back his [ __ ] account i love you instagram i know you're you're you're [ __ ] censoring people and shadow banning wasn't even i never said anything on there brian hennigan just put up random tweets he's a terrible person he's a terrible person look who's done to you if if you reinstate my instagram take credit so it's not all these other people that say i did it myself i think we can make that happen um but uh shout out to all the people that are out there managing social media trying to deal with all the [ __ ] armies of people putting content up 24 7. i can't imagine managing at scale douglas survivor of kovid great stand-up comedian friend of mine for life uh tonight uh we're gonna have some fun that's it goodbye everybody god bless how are you krishna take us out big go okay bye bye now [Music] [Applause] [Music] you