Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVtjPXr7ycc
oh boy here we go again The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by the Fleshlight flesh yeah I mean it's great it is great spor it's not it's not right it's more known than dildos there's no like one dildo company that's known as much as the fleshly is known right isn't it for you to put your weener in your wiener yes but it's not like just like a like it's for [ __ ] like it's not yeah yeah yeah [ __ ] it but why what's the point of having a light oh it's not really a light oh it's just a joke but John hefron had a great joke about it should have a light because no one ever knows what her flashlight is but everyone always knows where your flashlight is which is very funny it's really and very smart that is that noise but for the folks on iTunes Brian has just pulled the actual Fleshlight body out of the bucket but even worse as you pull it out blanch opened her mouth and she has horrible fish breath so the second you did that I smelled that it was interactive blanch would be Eliza's dog who's sitting in her lap that's 's uh dream I guess a butthole that's that she can smell anytime what I thought it was a vagina that no this one's a bu that's why open mou tight vagina really tiny well essentially is right that's what you're asking for sure it's the same thing I don't both whatever it's just a whole this is a fake one does that offend you like when you see like a fake vagina why would it offend me some people get offended some girls they don't like because you should be [ __ ] me instead no it's not some girls I'm sure you know needy girls that probably would think like that right don't you know some crazy girls yeah yeah for sure so you're saying like girls are like why do you need that when you could have this yeah yeah that's such odd they can get angry do dudes have well I don't want to ask you if your boyfriend had I don't want to ask you if you've ever had a sex toour if you want to offer up any information feel free ready now go I will tell you this uh I don't prescribe to that ideology because I feel that it will set you up for disappointment like no man is ever going to be able to move as rap as a vibrator so I just completely abstained from that and it's fine um I've been given like I'll do
shows and they'll be like we're giving out free dildos and it's embarrassing as a to walk out of there with a bag of dildos and like one time for my birthday a comic came and he brought like a bag of sex toys and you know your parents come to visit like you don't want that around and exactly I just don't dude I'm with you I'd rather feel less good most of the time most of the time anyway get so looks like a squid go to Joe rogan.net click on the link for the flashlight enter with the code name Rogan and you will get 15% off number one SE away from man Joe you know a tip that we've never thought of is like you could only have to buy the vagina uh version of the flashlight because the other side does have something that looks like an [ __ ] at least an [ __ ] enough that yeah but it doesn't fit into the thing right you'd have to have a different sort of setup yeah like you can make your own probably yeah you'd have to have some sort of a different base to it how much are they yeah what you're saying essentially I see what you're saying what you're saying is it doesn't have to be one or the other it should be both yeah you should have it on both sides like like a real woman yeah you know but it would be in a weird it's not the same spot they're like right next to each other it wouldn't really work no I mean just make a flashlight that just make if you're on your if you're on your side they're next to each other yeah but not like this just make a Fleshlight that you can [ __ ] both sides that has caps on both sides and just call like a a flesh saber that like a lightsaber you know difficult this way yeah no I see what you're saying you totally got a good idea what he's saying is it should be two-sided like the butthole should be one option sometimes I feel like a sometimes I feel like a nut sometimes I don't I see what you're saying I feel you I feel you on this yeah well that I guess that one would cost more then um yeah but you know what how much more really and what what a superior product you'd be putting out but anyway the Fleshlight as it stands solid product Brian and I give it two thumbs up or there should be a subscription base you know that you can just like have it if you get 20 bucks a month you
can have a any fleslight you want and then when you you cancel it you send them all back a Fleshlight of the month club would never trust the fact that the one you were getting had not been [ __ ] already or it's not the shittiest one and they just sent it cuz it's your part it's part of the prescription I think it should live up to its name and like a carnival game the harder you [ __ ] it the more it lights up so you know you're doing a good job yeah what do we what oh wow we're on such a a strong delay I'm looking at the the image on the screen yeah that's the amazing artwork that somebody sent you I don't have a yeah I got to get that dude's name awesome it's it's so amazing that I just want to stare at it all day that's one of those amazing pieces of art that you can sit there and find so many things in just random have to find out this guy's name uh he he sent it to my manager just some super cool fan dude whoever whoever you are thank thank you sir yeah this piece of art I love what you've done to this uh Studio well it's my office man it's not really a studio I just uh threw up some pictures needed some some life on the walls I had accumulated a bunch of cool pictures but done nothing with them and then finally I put them up there this [ __ ] room is like right out of Hoarders now though it's so crazy there is there cat in it's in a litter box to be fair but it's one of the components you need that is one of the components you need no yeah my cat she know she doesn't really like to be anywhere else uh at night than in my office and it's like my kids are always wandering around the one place my kids don't wander around is in my office so I figure you know what I I should just keep the litter box in my office and should bite the bullet it's so gross though smelling cat [ __ ] all day dude it's gross I got I got to get in there and open the top and scoop it out and flush it and my cat Waits until I'm there to take the nastiest shits like she waits I know she does comt I'll come home and I'm going check my email and she I hear scratch scratch scratch I'm like oh you little [ __ ] and she just drops a [ __ ] stiner I had something worse happen Joe my cat recently was sick and had like some kind of urinary track infection I guess you know so I tried to give it
cranberry juice for a while but nothing it's hard to give cranberry juice to a cat does that work it has to yeah but kill it you can drink cranberry we got good news and bad news urinary tra infection gone but it was trying cat gone it started doing that horrible [ __ ] where it just started peeing because couldn't control itself and it did it in my bed all over my bed has done that and and catp if you know anything about catp and N I have that really nice [ __ ] bed and now it just smells like catp and I've washed it I've tried scrubbed it I can't do anything so I'm about to find something that smells worse than cat pea just because I'm so sick of that catpa smell on it yeah you got to get it's unfortunate but you got to get rid of the mattress the it's in the mattress that you can get that stuff that they sell at urine gone yeah but it doesn't really work you're in you're out I mean it works a little it sort of what it does is it it's some sort of citrus based thing and and it you know it breaks down the smell of cat urine to a certain extent but it's cat urine is is like glitter that's never going to go away find it for years I don't know if you your grandparents were like mine but grandparents they they start [ __ ] in a in a certain way where they it really [ __ ] smells awful like old people [ __ ] is like the worst right there so many drugs in it you think old people [ __ ] they have so much medicine they're dying probably the diet not that healthy diet and they're dying and um uh I would go in after my grandfather would take shits and there would be a smell of like air freshener in the air that was like the most defensive smell a fresh cover up the air freshener cover up over [ __ ] so it's just vanilla [ __ ] it's just it's just such a terrible [ __ ] smell it was like yeah poop smells awful it's humid it's a humid smell I don't think it's ever humid yeah it's a hum smell and we're also sponsored by on it which is oh n nit.com makers of Alpha Brain shroom Tech sport shroom Tech immune and uh new mood all these things are different neut Tropics what neut Tropics are if you're interested in it they're essentially vitamins and nutrients for your brain I really believe in them I know they work um you know there's scientific studies that we're going to do right now there's going to be some we
already discussed this was it double blind Placebo double blind whatever it means the most stringent scientific test they can for figuring out whether or not people's uh performances are improved whe their moods improved they're not going to know what they're taking some people will take a placebo some people will take a combination of different things some people will take Alpha Brain on its own and uh we'll see what the results are I I have been taking neut Tropics for a long time if you're interested in it before you buy anything just Google it just Google the idea uh there's a lot of really uh fascinating uh papers and different things that have been written on them and and there's proof that some of them actually can help people with Alzheimer's it's really they nutrients for for the way your mind functions and couldn't hurt is well it could that's the problem yeah you're not supposed to take five HTP if you're on um anti-depressants well those people are ridiculous anti-depressant to totally I thought you were just going to make the best show ever is is there a reason why they decided against the triple blind they just don't want to I don't know what that means is there a trip Tri there has to be I think there two blinds enough you greedy [ __ ] two blinds they should just do it as always we say with on look I I take all the stuff the shroom Tech immune it's great for your immune system it actually somehow or another it's a mushroom that treat tricks your body into thinking that it's uh potentially like a bug like a cold and so your immune system fires up for a fight that never takes place uh so it's a it's a like an immune system booster and probiotics is something that we don't sell but that's one of the things I really recommend if you if you're a person who really cares about your health one of the cool things you can do is enhance your health with organisms live organisms probiotics and Kombucha Tea I'm a big believer in that that that stuff is excellent to keep you from getting sick I mean it really I it gives me an enhanced feeling of wellness it's like taking in like healthy soldiers I also take acidophilus you know I think you know yeah get it and get the good stuff get the stuff that
you need to refrigerate that's the real live culture refrigerator it's [ __ ] great for you and kale yeah kale I love kale I drink kale shakes every day K this so good for you eating grass would be healthy no but wheat grass juice is healthy I loveat grass whe grass juice is very chlorophyll is very healthy tastes like [ __ ] but it's very healthy there's nothing I love the taste well there's chlorophyll in glass in Grass rather chlorophyll yeah you there's chlorophyll in all plants yeah and there's a bunch of different types of grasses you know I don't know what grass specifically cuz what if we were like designed to only eat grass you know what I mean and we tell the truth I thought about this we were designed to only eat grass we wouldn't have these pointy teeth yeah well maybe that was for like digging big things of grass of the compar to other animals compared to other animals we have the most [ __ ] teeth ever teeth are nothing they're like these little fragile flat things they're designed to chew mushy food I mean how we you know other animals are designed to actually hold on to things and then eat those things tear them hard and eat them and if you look at like a chimp's teeth compared to our teeth they're designed to [ __ ] you up designed to [ __ ] you I think about that cuz I always look at bl's mouth even like when she's sleeping I'm upset when you live with an animal like I live with a tiny carnivore right like she'll eat carrots and she's sweet but like genetically she's programmed to like find live things and rip their necks in half and eat them yeah it's weird right is that amazing even though she's like your little love bug love anyway go to.com onnit.com you have to get rid of your mattress yeah get rid of your mattress son you can't [ __ ] can I tell you why you a bro no I'm not after it's all right Joe I put two comforters on it the valley it all smells that was a good Brody thank you oh that was awesome um here's why you have to get rid of your match let's get rid of this commercial let's get this commercial out so we can start this podcast I know this is already Haven started no we haven't even started this isci that was all my good material you got way more you're your whole weak grass chunk anyway um we
offer for the first 30 pills whenever you buy you we offer 100% money back guarantee it used to be whatever you buy we offered a 100% money back guarantee but there were some douchebags that bought a bunch and then tried to sell them all on eBay after they got their money back which you [ __ ] you ruined it human nature um but we try to make this as easy and as clean as possible 100% money back guarantee in your first 30 pills and you know what if you think it cost too much money I urge you go and buy the ingredients take the directions offline whatever the uh the ingredients are it's clearly listed on the website on it.com and steal it make your own blend who cares just if you're into it try it check it out and if you want to buy them from us go to Joe rogan.net click on the link for alphabrain and enter in the code name Rogan and you get 10% off okay you dirty freaks done see that's the commercial Eliza it's over now we play music experience my day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day that's the best way for us to do commercials we figured out was I in that commercial mhm okay dude you you were [ __ ] awesome in it I thought we were that was one of your best best pieces I'm going to submit that to The Tonight Show that was what I said you could do that I bet it's a solid piece yeah it was a solid piece was solid give it a Russ Liza Liza SL you're a professional standup comedian yeah yeah we we all share a camaraderie you know it's funny uh Comics you know like when you meet someone that's a comic we we we all share this kind of weird thing like I did the Ros O'Donnell Show recently you know yeah people like why' you want to do Ros o' donnal show and i' be like cuz she's a comic you know what I mean like we we all share we share something you know tell us about that what was that like she was very nice I only got to talk to her for a short period of time we had a we sat down for about an hour M and we talked about uh she talked a little bit about the government she had a really good point about how people look at the government like it's a benevolent father and I I absolutely agree with that I totally agree with that yeah and she was you know she's like really um she stuck her neck out when she was on that show like a chicken
like the liter yeah well she got she got in trouble in the view I mean I'm sorry she got in trouble in the view because she was um she was talking about 911 and she was talking about Tower 7 and if you don't know this there's three towers fell on September 11 and two of them obviously got hit by planes but one of them down one of them just went down and there's a crazy conspiracy theories that say that it was a controlled demolition now I am the first person to tell you I am no engineer I have no idea how buildings are built or what their tolerances are but if I saw a building like that and I you know I saw it just catch on fire and it had some holes in it and [ __ ] but it just fell like that fell apart I'll be like [ __ ] how'd you build this how the [ __ ] did you build this you know come on man really this what kind of shitty work she saying it was designed to go down like it was part of she was saying it was a a lot of people believe it's a controlled demolition I don't think necessarily she is saying that it is or it isn't and and I certainly am not I don't know I don't understand it you know what I believe more it was a controlled demolition yes but was it by us yes you oh yeah I mean think I think that's always been the case of the the argument they don't think it was done by the terrorists right they think see the building Tower the ter what no what if the terrorists uh oh if they did a control demolition it wasn't somehow they had ter cuz I mean terrorist probably could easily I think that would probably be before hijacking planes and flying them into buildings before that would be putting a bomb in the building yeah see but it's not that easy see like when you when you see what what happened in Oklahoma City that that was multiple bombs you know in Oklahoma City they actually there was all these reports of the FBI removing bombs from the building like that didn't explode and if you talk to these guys that are demolition experts they say there's no way that was a fertilizer bomb there's no [ __ ] way right like they they said that if you look at the amount of damage that did and look at where the blast radius is from the way it blows out it doesn't blow like it doesn't they're not designed to you're saying this building cuz we've all seen the Loose Change where you watch the
lights go off around the building like one floor by one it's like and it just yeah but see they don't that see they don't know what that means though that also could be if the ceiling is coming in and slamming into the floor all the windows would do that they don't know that that's explosions if it really was collapsing like that see no one's ever seen a building collapse like that so when they say that those are blips and those are squibs I don't like that because then I'm you're you're saying you know for sure what that is and I'm saying the [ __ ] you do I don't know even someone's got to there's just because someone has to know I'm not saying it was us I'm not saying it was an inside job it just seems odd ergonomically that you would design a building that if impact that at a certain point the entire thing would demolish like what structurally what purpose does that serve well the weird yeah the weird well could just being competence that's possible if you look at humans that's our most likely option right I mean when did they make the World Trade Center it's a [ __ ] long ass time ago to get so cocky to build a building that's a 100 goddamn stories high you know and how long did they think that was going to stay up there for you know what if it started falling apart and rotting what if was it just a just a wonky piece of [ __ ] by the time I got hit by those planes yeah that's totally true I yeah the [ __ ] thing was old as [ __ ] that thing was around black and white television the Jessica Lang King Kong movie it could have retrofitted it I mean yeah but what's retrofiting the cheapest the cheap godamn floors and the cheapest guy bidder you know that do that how many floors retrofit with bombs maybe well that's the crazy idea what we're saying about uh building seven or or the other building like terrorists could have done it I mean I I guess they could have but how the [ __ ] are they going to get in there and put all those explosives in it's like one Dynamite up a time sticks of dynamite one up a TI up your ass and you're working the [ __ ] thing 5 years every day you're [ __ ] putting it in this closet that's so funny dude that would be H back then they didn't have security you're walking down the hallway and you just smell [ __ ] you're like open
this door what's in this it just smells like [ __ ] and it says shitty Dynamite sticks I Dynamite sticks it's like a [ __ ] log house built with [ __ ] and dynamite sticks yep and little hair a pee mattr a cat pee mattress well the idea was that you know that somebody had to do something in Oklahoma City on The View um well she what she said on the view is it was the only building in history that never that collapsed skyscraper that wasn't hit by a plane and she's no Tower wasn't yeah and it was the only building in history skyscraper of its kind that fell from a fire and she's right I don't know if it means anything though could could be incompetence it could be just some crazy coincidence that it actually did fall apart like a controlled demolition even though it wasn't a controlled demolition it could be I don't know man I think there's so much chaos involved in any sort of catastrophic situation like that and all these reports we heard explosions in the building are you do you really remember what you saw for sure how much nuttiness you know what I mean it's a lot of nuttiness going on when when right after something like that happens you might want to remember something from before you might you must be so jolted from that sort of a situation that after it's over you know I I I would I would imagine there would be several people that would have distorted perceptions I do not believe that everyone can handle truly traumatic incidents I'm not claiming that I can more than other people but I I I I don't think most people can handle like really crazy [ __ ] going down and you can't trust a few people's memories that were we you you got to take it into consideration but you can't totally trust it I I think you know the amount of trauma that contributes to a confabulation about whether you saw something or not I mean you can take those reports all day and I think there's that mob mentality like I heard sounds oh so did I you know so but what creeps me out what always we American people out and this is how you get minor conspiracy theorists I'm not even sure if I am one is when there is no explanation by your all powerful government and that's what leads people to think oh the government was in on it
because you're like you're supposed to be the American government and you don't have an idea how this happened that's when people start to feel un safe and get nervous yeah when they like with um Osama Bin Laden you didn't take any pictures really not one I believe they caught him it's just odd when there's no answers they're like we're not sure JFK that's a weird thing like how do you not have an answers I've talked to military people just straight up military people about the Osama Bin Laden thing and every one of them has said that guy was dead for years oh see I'm not off every one of them is said I bet I bet got have a war go a couple people that were skeptical I bet that where where you would value their opinion you know I bet they [ __ ] tortured him in in for like years I talk rightwing dudes man rightwing straight laced that want the war military guys yeah and they're like that guy's been dead for years I bet his own PE I mean I don't I don't think they're skilled I think you just cuz you have put a couple bombs somewhere these are not you know this is they're not using like biophysics to kill anyone so I think his own probably Friendly Fire probably blew himself up on [ __ ] accident you know what they might have just [ __ ] crashed one of their helicopters and this was their crazy cover story they might have [ __ ] up crash with their helicopters and goes listen boys you see lemons I see Lemonade here's our story we crashed the helicopter because we killed Osama Bin Laden yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we lost a billion dollar helicopter whatever whatever we're going to blow that up it doesn't matter brave Soldiers survive that crash but we got them we got them we got how don't we dumped him at se we dumped him at cuz we don't want to make him a martyr yeah what are you talking about you're telling everybody you shot him what it's just an it in in visual form it's not the same as you [ __ ] admitting it with your mouth the president getting on TV with his [ __ ] mouth and admitting it mouth Ser seriously he's looking at the camera and he's saying it we kill those like we that doesn't make him a Marty what you have to there has to be a visual representation of it there has to be something I would have liked to have seen footage like his face well yeah for
us yeah but not for them them saying that their excuse that they don't want him to be a martyr then why the [ __ ] are you admitting you killed him on TV why you getting no that wasn't the Mart they didn't want the reason they didn't bury him or do anything they didn't want there to be a site that people could go to but the reason why they didn't show any photos is because they didn't want him to be a martyr as well yeah I think that's because they don't have any photos there's no photos how great would it how epic would it have been if Barack Obama he's like we've captured and killed Osama Bin Laden but before we did our GIS each had a turn [ __ ] him in the mouth thanks to flip cam we have it all on our YouTube page to [ __ ] some crazy old terrorists in the mouth just for like just dip in real quick is very soft dangerous I thought guys like to do that kind of stuff it was so disturbing seeing that other guy get captured and dragged through the streets and uh [ __ ] in the ass amans like Gaddafi that was so [ __ ] good it was a stick apparently oh it was you got did it's like some Americans don't have an appetite for that kind of stuff like if there were a picture we wouldn't have shown we're not we don't show graphic things like that and our people don't like to see that we don't like to see death we like people to die don't to yeah we want to completely live dark I don't want to see it ever again well you can you know the real problem is you you get access to something really shocking that's not really happening so you when in watching anybody get murdered watching anybody get [ __ ] up you have access to something lifechanging but you're not really there that's weird when you can just access that all the time cuz then you're getting influenced by it far more more than you would in a normal life where you actually survived it also desensitizes as a country we're desensitized to war we have all of our video games all of our media all this stuff we're like War very few of us have actually we'll call Upper upper middle class have actually been made privy to anything uh tangentially related to war and so it's very easy us to be like yeah we'll just send some troops I'm like you i' I've been to Israel just on vacation
and it's so [ __ ] hot I couldn't stand it so just imagine being over there like with all like we have no frame of reference because we're so desensitized yeah we're detached from it they don't it's not a part of our daily lives unless you have friends and loveed ones over there you know I I watched some thing on TV where they're talking about the amount of money that it costed to air condition the tents in Afghanistan it's [ __ ] crazy so some in Iraq it's some insane amount it's like billions of dollars two donkeys and a woman it's so crazy to keep the AC on yeah they're just we don't even think about it the whole thing is nuts it's [ __ ] nuts it's nuts that they talk people into it it's nuts it's still going on too yeah yeah let's just send troops over we're living in a GI Joel movie that's what it is people don't even think about it I I get goosebumps thinking about it at all I don't know why it resonates so deeply with me to think about our troops over there I think cuz I you're smart I love my country so much that I just want like I just love my country and anything having to do with that look at this it's all standing all my i' way too much you be in a patriotic commercial do you drive a Chevy truck I had a I had a Blazer everyone thought I was a lesbian for the longest time I had a Chevy Blazer for 10 years I drove it out here look I think uh the idea of what America is supposed to be is is awesome you know I think there's a lot of [ __ ] creative people here a lot of cool people come from America for sure but there's also a lot of [ __ ] you know that that represents America as well unfortunately you know yeah [ __ ] that we're doing the [ __ ] that we do around the world is just creepy as [ __ ] but we also do I things in line we do it's better for us to be on top than than some some [ __ ] wacky countries right and we're the only ones we we'll take your land we'll give it back we'll say sorry we'll make reparations we no we do we're the only ones with a real conscious about it land back the Indians we give land back to who American Indians we give them the shittiest spots where there's no deer and we go yeah you want to open a casino go ahead whatever you want to do they don't need deer anymore they have 7-Elevens alls I think different Indian no I'm saying like they
have convenient they can go eat at like a restaurant you don't need deer I don't me like that well I mean I people always go like what we did to the Indians and I'm like oh man but yeah we weren't here so at what point in time does the the current living humans you know I know they benefited from the shitty work of the past I just trust Indians more you know you trust them more they seem more like down to what I would like to hang out with like Indians or P pirate guys LLY good job Indians and Pirates to yeah Indians he like Indians Pirates fairies have you seen the Jesus BL have you seen the Western sky commercials it's like one of those things where it gives you money before your payday Western Sky Western it's like a it's like a check for po people yeah and it's got this like Indian drum it's like and this girl that looks like an Indian like Native American Gina gersan with a braid so you know she's native she's like Western Sky will get you off the Payday track get off the payday Trail Western and it's so [ __ ] intimidating and she's like sure it's expensive but it's worth it and I'm like this is the representative for your people some [ __ ] creepy SE IND it's expensive she says that so what they take like a certain percentage of your check in order to cash it early of your soul that's like they're into that I don't know what they I don't know there's actually been some talk that they're going to release the the photos of Osama bin Laden and it's yeah and it's like so awesome because I'm thinking like how long did it take to make Avatar okay this about the same time they've probably got some better technology that Pixar probably has like we have this whole VIP section that we don't talk funny could you imagine if one day there's cameras that don't just capture a 2d version of what you're seeing but somehow or another they figure out some sort of a camera that can actually capture three-dimensional video that you can walk around inside and know create Holograms like really potent Holograms so you could actually be there standing right there next to the Troops why they killed Osama Bin Laden and press play yeah you know that's that's entirely within the realm of possibility if we can create what we can create right now I know it's way
more complex but it's what we're doing right now is already impossible to us you know I I don't see any reason why they can't come up with some really intense highdef hologram type shital reality yeah you can walk around in the scene like you have that Universal City Walk for killing Osama bin L they probably do we would I think americ oh [ __ ] they would line up for that just put that in Tennessee somewhere yeah it's like Call of Duty better [ __ ] yeah but with a real stop it you can't have it you ever been in places like Tennessee or West Virginia or anything yeah I spent Christmas in Virginia Virginia Virginia backwards Virginia whoa what were we doing having Christmas do you know somebody talk do you know somebody from Virginia do you have a friend there I have a friend there what was that like oh my God I went to the atics I pass atics what's an a atics courthouse like for the Civil War it's like the big this tiny went to a civil war gift shop oh wow which is not really a civil war gift shop as much as this dude just ordered a bunch of [ __ ] with Confederate flags on it so you have like a baiting suit or whatever oh my god um it's really like all small towns in America are the same The More Southern you get the less teeth but for the most part most of America looks the same isn't it amazing that there's some [ __ ] out there that are still fighting that war yeah right and uh what is it Heritage not hate that's what it says under oh the G fighter flag cuz I understand it means something to them but if I'm a black person it's still that's like a swasa could mean peace and was it jism but to most people you're like it's kind of a shitty thing that's a very good point the swasti is a very good point I mean No One Believes that it means peace who's the general of that though like who's the guy in charge of that I hate on Kid Rock yeah he's from Michigan man he's in Northern yeah it's a weird thing man Michigan is the south of the north the North and the South are still at odds in some spots yeah they still use terms like Yankees and yeah they get angry at you if you're a Yankee they do it's very weird it's weird because we don't have that feeling and it's clear the Conqueror and the conquered oh yeah Northerners we don't have that problem
with like we like Southern Accents makes a dude sound sophisticated you know makes girl sound hot yeah a Southern accent makes someone sound sophisticated I'm going that does not sound a man of taste and culture who appreciates a good R see I hear a man of tasting culture too there I there's talking about a Georgia Southern gentlemen as well right Texas you know no I think the LA drawn out thing kind of sounds like you I'm going Walmart get's a little of that but there's also in the dudes that are intelligent that have that accent it's pretty badass it's one of the thing one of the appeals of Bill Hicks I believe that that Texas accent was [ __ ] cool it's cool hearing people from Texas talk I think Texas Texas is one of the coolest ways to talk I I really believe that see but it depends on and this is for anything where you're from because there's a Texas accent and then if you're from like Dallas I hear to me it's this very preachy I just I'm reminded of my teachers that were like no ma'am you cannot get it bath maybe that's just you maybe it's just me did anybody ever do anything to you in Dallas and you drive through it just stuck in your head like you know like there's certain states of mind that you ENT trap in certain areas like for the longest time I would go by my High School Newton Massachusetts and I would drive by the high school and I'd be par panicked thinking that they that I I missed a class and they're going to drag me back in and I'm not going to get my diploma and I'm [ __ ] D I have to go back to school that's what I'm saying like being from there being from Texas I think of Dallas and I think of that teacher that talks to you like this we don't like Jews that that's what I he did you ever have a teacher actually say that no but I did have uh a friend who this is my really I pretty got out unscathed for the most most part I had a friend who told me uh we were like best friends her name was summer and she told me one day we were like playing and I was like five and she goes if you don't accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior you are going to go to hell and I guess I had seen a movie recently that has this line how old like we were like six five or probably five and I guess I had seen a movie and my automatic response was I have naked
pictures of your mother I had heard it like on a movie or something her mom calls my mom now I heard Eliza said something inappropriate about having naked pictures of me and my mom was like well to be fair you told your daughter told my daughter she was going to hell and her answer her response was oh I'm gonna have to talk to Summer about that she's not supposed to start witnessing till she's older that was like what she's not supposed to start witnessing oh my God so you you think of things like that not Southern gentleman oh my god oh my god well you know Boulder Colorado everybody thinks of hippies but it's also where John Bonet Ramsay's from yeah that's where that went down that is where it happened yeah I still think of hippie yeah mostly it is but I I didn't think of Dallas in that way well it's just it's a perfect combination of southern charm with money and a snotty attitude it's like the Hollywood of Texas is it they're the Cy people of Texas or can be I mean I love Dallas there can be it's got a lot of money so they're the hardest parters I'll tell you that I've had I've had more semi blackout even Dallas oh the whole state of Texas I miss it so we used to do that Addison Improv my god with Joey Diaz that place was chaos man and Addison was the only this is not no one cares but Addison was the only uh County within Dallas where you could drink for a very long time like in the ' 80s I think that was where all the bars were yeah if like parents had these like special tickets you had to have or something now it has all the bars but you can drink anywhere obviously oh that kind of makes sense that they did that that kind of makes sense that's cuz it's such a wild place it's a perfect place for that improv that's a great club man improv know Ari shafir is headlining that oh yeah yeah he's going to headline that sweet I've headlined it yeah you're San Antonio you're not impressed I'm not impressed you're not impressed well for Ari it's nice well it's my hometown so they they've had me exp boy friends ever show up at your shows I've invited them from high school or something it's fine okay it's fine I don't I don't think so I don't know you communicate with like ex-boyfriends from high school no but
not out of disdain or anything just one you know you don't talk to and then another one is probably married and right I don't have any relationships where it's like I don't want to [ __ ] see him I swear to Christ none of them no it's always ends amicably if I saw someone i' probably give him a hug I don't know if they would give me a hug but you're usually the one that pulls the trigger always always always I don't think I've ever uh been dumped yeah never been dumped which is not going to make anyone like me anymore but yeah's a challenge yeah what's up with that what kind of dudes you picking hot Ones hot just look when she said hot on I'm shallow that's so funny no not out of like oh oh I always win but just you know I mean but just you always win no not always things come to a natural end and listen it's part of your spirit you're competitive it's not a bad thing you defend it it's harder for the person doing the breaking up I think sometimes it is you you don't want to hurt someone's feelings I've been in relationships for a while but I just didn't want to hurt someone's feelings yeah and then when you're the one that has to do the breaking up if you're ever feeling bad about in the future you can't call them because you're the one that initiated it that's like a dick thing so you just have to keep it to yourself and be sad yeah sad you're so sad so sad so hard yeah some people are not meant to be and that that person needs to find whoever the [ __ ] they're meant to be with but it get off my porch it ain't me [ __ ] how do you uh fix one of those uh domestic violence holes that sometimes you get in your walls you know where it's like a humongous hole punch K you going to have to is that something hardcore or is that really easy to do have you ever done any wallboard yeah you ever done any drywall work yeah like I think maybe a yeah when I punch the hole in the wall well you got to be careful because you don't know what the [ __ ] you're doing you could accidentally you know you're going to have to use a razor knife you could accidentally slice your an electrical core that you don't know is there all right you know you should hire someone to do that you should leave it as a warning to the next girl yeah just you
know what you should do put a front of it glue some false eyelashes and fake blood around the edges of it and just leave it there Oh I thought you were going to say no [ __ ] cuz it's in the back I thought you me like make it look like a girl no just I'm in a little like evidence like as if a girl's head head just went right through itam false eyelashes it's in the back like that's the evidence you know not a little subtle subtle subtle nothing crazy not a wig is that an eyelash yeah it's in the bathroom though right across from the toilet so it looks like I have a hidden camera in there now like well you should put a hidden camera there my girlfriend has you should do you should put a camera there yeah I should now it's already half done put a webcam up and just people watch you [ __ ] wow that didn't put the toilet roll there and make it look like a real toilet roll I'm surprised no one does that allow people to watch you [ __ ] for like five a month I bet you would get I bet you'd pay your rent on yeah I I have that if you had people like that paid to watch you [ __ ] oh that that could be a good ide not me people would definitely do that if they could if you could if you could have subscribed to a 24-hour webcam that's only above the toilet you would get a lot of especially if you're you're a girl why not put the camera in the toilet to watch the poop that's probably illegal yeah oh that's not oh so you're saying showing the actual poop showing the actual poop is probably illegal it's not weird but you can show animal poop well you know when you get into it areas like like that guy max hardcore that got arrested um they arrested him in the the most stringent place in the country which was like this area of Florida that had the harshest laws and that's how they prosecuted him because he was selling stuff on the internet if he sold stuff to that area he's prosecuted by the laws of that area just a terrible [ __ ] evil porns where he would do nasty terrible things to girls it's like really really like but it was a [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah it's okay yeah I mean it is and it isn't because these poor [ __ ] girls like what he opened up this girl's [ __ ] with like a tool like this thing speculum I guess it would be pissed inside of it and then had her drink the piss through a straw
oh yeah it's not like I want to see it but like it sounds like something you'd make up exactly it sounds completely ridiculous well who's what did she must have been addicted to drugs or something well I think you know there's some really lost people out there man and he's taking advantage of them and it's it is legal and I guess it should be I mean I'm I'm not the one that's saying that we need extra laws but I am the one that's saying he's a [ __ ] creep the fact that you would want to do that to somebody you know nobody wants you to do that to them someone should have hugged them more oh it was creepy man and that's just one of them he pisses in girls mouths like and somehow know the guy who could piss with a heart on is really weird I can do that it's just all about bending your feet and pushing it down like you're you're pushing down something I can't I have to but do you ever have to pee while you're having sex ever yeah all the time yeah wow not me I will stop the middle like yeah morning sex all the time oh he I have to pee all the time anyway well he actually was this don't have a UT this girl was giving head and he he's he's got a full boner and he pees into her mouth and it's like falling out it's a lot of pee and then he shoves her head back down it again I'm like why am I watching this I don't know why I'm laughing yeah cuz it's gross my girlfriend has know that poor girl but if she was like you know like your next door neighbor and you knew that her mom yelled at her and you know you grew up and you know she was like that 14-year-old girl that looked to you for guidance I peed in her mouth no in her mouth you you just he you see her hit the wall yeah he he did some time I think he's out now I think I'm not sure but it was a really controversial um sort of a situation because nobody wanted to defend him I mean not nobody a lot of people did but a lot of people were you know a lot a lot of people in the porn industry were saying good [ __ ] him he's a creep like what he does is gross right you there's a lot of people that like it they don't want that to be in the same lumping as regular sex as they're right right well Beggars can't be choosers my girlfriend has this hot oil she puts in her hair in the shower that's supposed to help damaged hair or dry haired uh well is
she kind of is she black kind of I wasn't even joking that just say white people don't use hot oil well well we do but not like as much as black people anyways I it's spilled in the the she wasn't using it but it spilled into the bathtub and I stepped in the bathtub and did one of those like seriously like three stes like back flip oh my God head hit the the the wall last are you okay huh yeah so that's how you got this hole Yeah so now there this huge bowling ball hole [ __ ] Super Lucky Oh I thought this was going to be about peeing in your mouth people die that way man that's the tub is actually a way that people die on a regular Bas isn't that one of your fears that you'll slip in the shower alone and they'll find you naked wet hard no but just like well you're supposed to get rock hard right when you die guys die you get super hard like the hardest you've ever gotten it's called like that the death boner death boner yeah I've heard of that and I've heard it's only if you get like certain poisons certain certain toxins in your body or something I just you die a certain way I just want to do that' be awesome if it happens that's what I'm saying what a death boner was it in that movie too that's one of the the Nicholas Cage movie where he played uh an Elizabeth Shoe he played Leaving Las Vegas Yes Leaving Las Vegas the original title was death boner and they didn't think that people in Florida would like it yeah it's not going to sell in the blue States Death boner or in the red States rather sounds like a speed rock band awesome this should be a [ __ ] band named death boner for sure I'm sure there is can we google it yeah I bet there is death boner I'm sure I dog is ripping the worst for yeah right BL absolutely mean think if you ask any guys Wikipedia oh my God stop if you ask any guys you'd want to dive of a boner but I don't think if you ask any di of the boner no no if you have a boner I think what if here it is it's spinal cord injuries spinal cord injuries known to be associated with prism priapism injuries to prism I have no idea okay injuries to the cerebellum or spinal cord are often associated with um prism in living patient so it's when when some people when like they're
talking about like deaths by hanging executions [ __ ] like that D dude's dicks get hard that's the way to go yeah is that because they've observed the effects of the genitals of both men and women Jesus Christ well they shoot a chick in the head then check to see if she's wet wet yeah the lab oh my God the labia labia and qu clitoris becoming gorged and there may be a discharge of blood from the vagina oh when you die yeah my God just it's like Nature's Hail Mary band's it's Nature's Hail Mary Nature's like listen we might be dying right now so just like any let anybody [ __ ] us maybe we'll get pregnant bloody death tier maybe it's cuz your blood is already your body's [ __ ] your body doesn't know what to do that's what it is it's it's a wrap son wow fatal gunshot wounds the brain that's that no this is just Wikipedia and some articles it references but it's it's actually a real phenomenon that happens sometimes pretty [ __ ] nuts death boner death boner do you die do you want to be wet don't look at me don't look at look at me don't ask me questions like that kind have a [ __ ] up do you what do you want why would I care that's what I was cuz you know all guys would want to have a bone tell you I don't want anything sexual I don't want a corner looking and I don't want anywhere in a report be like she was really wet like I just want to be a nice normal death nothing like freaky does it drive you crazy that corner get gets to see you naked and whatever want detective who my husband whoever finds me yeah to be like she was soing W she so turned on that's cuz that makes you weird cuz then they're going to think oh she died when she was watching The Golden Girls and she was wet like you're going to think it's a thing that's so awesome I don't want any of that yeah it's going to be in your death report wet that's so under under under moisture was watching Golden Girls cuz I watch it every night before I go to bed God forbid I have an aneurism dry medium and ready to rock so you're that addicted to The Golden Girls that you've named your dog after no as just happens to be a coincidence yeah I just picked an old lady name and blanch came into my head and then as of late I started watching The Golden Girls but this was I got her like three years why do you watch The
Golden Girls is it cuz it's on when I go to bed I love it it's good show it's relaxing like a warm hug to you when you sleep youever watch the show yeah I watch it all the time it's the the writing is so smart I haven't watched a sitcom In Forever it's on uh one of our like affiliate whatever if you had to sleep with one which one would it be mine would always Betty White why why would you sleep back in the day she was the hottest one she was the young C feisty one remember they were all like 900 years old well one was creepy one was like Quagmire that whatever that why wouldn't you want to sleep with ranahan she was the one that was a [ __ ] Quagmire she was a what yeah that was her thing I a [ __ ] R okay the Betty White played rose and she was an idiot bar Arthur played Dorothy's borack who was like really smart and 8T tall lesbian in real life and then R mclanahan who played blanch Deo who was a self-proclaimed [ __ ] and she was always running off to like sleep with some eligible young man right and you would want to S with that one cuz she was no Betty White all the way that was the Chrissy you liked Chrissy oh Chrissy was the best one who's Chrissy and the third one oh the third which one was Chrissy she was the second one the first one suzan Summers back in the day wearing this little shorts and she was the best one yes definitely would you ever want to sleep with an older woman like sleep with Suzanne Summers like older like 60 like dying like 6 68 probably not Suzanne Summers is probably that I she's unlock the secret to living young she has the book on it all right Demi Moore on drugs she's not 68 by any means how old is she she's like almost 50 okay that's different yeah she's hanging in there I guess she had some sort of a reaction you know did you hear about that [ __ ] it was like Red Bull or something like that that's what they're saying that's not what it is hey she apparently drinks aing nitrous and she did Sal what that's that's what it is where are you hearing this from you can't just say this allegedly no one's ever had a bad reaction to Salvia well TM TMZ was reporting that it was uh whatever nitrous oxide which could be true cuz she she had a seizure she fished is they
call but that lasts like 5 to 10 minutes I've F fished before now Salvia the the police report they had they censored the 911 call because of personal privacy and then they they uh the police report came out as that she smoked something so you don't smoke nitrous so I'm thinking it's Salvia I'm thinking El what was she smoking on ground are you sure that she the police report said she smoked something are you just hearing this from TMZ uh this is TMZ was reporting on it so that's what it we shouldn't really say that though then I'll finish Rush from five gum that you would why don't we just Google it real quick just so that we don't get in trouble no I'm 99.9% sure okay let's find what was I talking about talking about well I just I don't know I just feel bad if the information is probably out there you're you're saying that it was nitrous oxide and Salvia I heard it was red bulls someone called it a death puddle death the wet thing you're talking about oh E I don't like that uh smoked and whatever it is you think that her PR people wouldn't put a spin on it the media doesn't have an allegiance to the truth about celebrities so it's whatever they hear they're going to can I just say nnbc next to Rachel mat you need your own show yeah cuz I said Allegiance no you'd be great at it you're very articulate you got a great vocabulary You' kick ass in one of those shows and you'd be able to make fun of [ __ ] why you that's what I want that's what I want is that what you want I have a pilot we're doing with VH1 I want to have my own late night Chit Chat like a talk show yeah but done a podcast yet I have a web show that I do every week oh you do you want to be a guest on it hell yeah of course would love to I just sound off on why people are wrong every Monday what is it what do you do it's called The Weekly News The Weekly News go to if you want to type it in go to the stream is in water the stream.tv and then put swimsuit or underwear weekly w a k l y I've been doing it for five years yep Demi Moore stream.tv what is weekly w a KL y Demi Moore has smoked something similar to incense and was semiconscious barely said the worried voice on the 911 call to get more help so similar to incense said the [ __ ] idiot who think
the closest thing to similar to incense of salvia you think um 100% she smoked Salvia she did an AR shafir where she went to a different world you know I don't know if you ever saw that video was awesome similar to incense that's that's Sage yeah that's what Salvia is yes in Salvia yeah and so she went to the other world which you can easily do DMT style like I mean you can get pretty close to DMT kind of effects from it she but what my question is is why did maybe she her body like had a little stroke because of it or something because of her age because she's not that old man she's just kind of old for a hot chest she's not like old like she's in trouble the only reason is I say that cuz after you know 10 minutes 15 minutes you usually are fine so unless the ambulance was right next door tot speculating yeah you're totally speculating something similar to incense does sound like salvia because Sage the plant Sage is something that people frequently burn to like ward off spirits and [ __ ] and then Sage is the the Salvia plan it's like the same plan okay whoever was with the same exact would know what she was doing so they're obviously covering up the fact that she was doing something that they don't want the public to know about no call like it's something similar to smoking ins no one would say that that's such a ridiculous thing to pull out of your ass well they I just don't think they want to advertise that it was salvy because it's still legal in Most states and they just don't want you know to advertise it at all that's right that's a good point that's a very good point cuz if it was an actual illegal drug they would want to know what that drug was and since yeah you probably that makes a real that's a lot of sense dude you should be a [ __ ] detective I know man got that you should just you should really for CSI or something you totally did the math there yeah yeah because if it was anything else if it was like you know she was smoking cocaine like whoa they would tell you hey she this a sensational story she's poor girl she's smoking cocaine but she's smoking something similar to incense and that's why she yeah Salvia can [ __ ] your world up all you have to do is look at that video of Ari on your uh or me or you talk about my face but when Ari was on
your show yeah oh when he was on your show and and he did salvia and just melted into everybody y yeah and he was cuddling up with Sam it was so cute if she and if somebody talked her into doing that she's not used to psychedelics if she hasn't had a psychedelic she not used to something and she had a bad trip and maybe she was on some other things or it could also be that it you know ignited some like horrible insecurity in her too yeah and she had a panic attack what do she have to be insecure about well she's I'm totally kidding funny that's so cute i' love when you do that um I I typed in the stream.tv the weekly but it says not theek the stream.tv SL slash w e a k o y no the just weekly oh weekly take out theth W EA k o y yeah oh okay CU I don't have a strong point of view I got e okay you crazy [ __ ] I got you what we did one uh on Monday the Weekly News powerful and so you do this uh every week every Monday we have a studio and it's a network and there's other shows on there and we've been doing it for about 5 years oh really yeah I do every week you know it eventually this is going to be a television station huh I mean that is the future we yeah and there's a he's got some the owner of the thing has got some pretty cool things going but that's my little Forum cool yeah all right we'll tell people to go there do you want to come on it [ __ ] yeah for sure love to sure okay boom it's done we just made a date we have a segment called who should be shot where we argue the lesser of two evils it usually has to do with who should be shot the supplier or the demander and then we talk about something right so you can you can either you can pick which side you're on Wow the supplier or the demander for specific things like for terrible things like guns or something like that well no it's more it's not as heavy-handed like last week I I was talking about how much I hate chocolate fountains so who should be shot the fat [ __ ] that wait in line or the caterer that's like oh chocolate fountain let me give you one I like chocolate fountain no why is it bad strawberries with chocolate is yummy that's fine but then people start to get into like oh what else can I dip in this i b my dick and just gross stuff and by the end it's all
like there's garbage in it and chicken I think you're partying with the wrong people yeah like Golden Corral yeah I have to stop hanging out with those people Golden Corral what is that that's where they have a chocolate fountain what's the Golden Corral it's a buffet for poor people Golden Corral it's like it's probably out somewhere in the valley it's a like a family like a home restaurant like a Mel no like a um what would it be like like a like a you never heard of HomeTown Buffet or like a Bob Evans like it's like a place like a lot of food for a little money right not super nice but I'm trying to think of some names of different places like that but like they they escape me it's like less nice than a Red Lobster sizler yeah kind of like that yeah it's like a little bit nicer to Sizzler and their big thing is that they have a chocolate fountain so oh well that's not what I'm talking about I'm talking about if you go to somebody's dope party they got a chocolate fountain you ever go to someone's party that just goes ridiculous I went to this dude's party he had this crazy party in uh malibo and he's like some super super super billionaire typee character and he had brought in snow and the whole hill was covered in snow and people were sledding you guys have that here at the entrance to your little Community you live in there's a big thing that says snow day oh yeah yeah is that like for the whole community no they bring snow they do it yeah they bring in snow this dude had it in his house though in his yard he had a ramp built he like it was constructed like cuz he didn't have enough of a grade for a hill so he built it up as a GI snow there just for the party or all that's cool yeah it was crazy like he had so much [ __ ] going on but no chocolate fountain so I was like what this [ __ ] ass party with no Chate and I think they've become so pedestrian like everyone has them now that like I wouldn't want it I love them with strawberries I think strawberries chocolate delici it's not the same it's not the same you get when the chocolate's like it's shitty chocolate it's made I have a Blog about it so I don't want to repeat my blog well repeat it cuz I'm not going to read it no no no
I'm just saying like I don't want to I don't want to look like I read my blog and then I go and it's like PL like it's like chocolate pellets that you can buy at like M like Micha it's not like no not like that it's like a special kind of chocolate got like it's just gross and it's just not the good chocolate it's not the good chocolate if you had like giradelli dark chocolate some some [ __ ] badass chocolate and that was melted would you be down no cuz I also don't like chocolate you what what I'm tolerating your [ __ ] oh my God she's such a strange woman she so strange I don't like chocolate with her dog substitute for a child that she carries everywhere she goes [ __ ] hating chocolate I love candy dumping men undefeated streak of men dumping she's undefeated she undefeated streak of man dumping she carries a dog everywhere with her do you mimic nursing that with that dog ever I I wish oh terrible breath H I wish I could say that I not only gave birth to her but that I nursed her I nursed you look at I mean do you uh do you have the urge to reproduce I would like I have a baby one day yeah if you could have a baby with that dog would one dude that you decide to keep around that I mate with cuz I'm going to have justun child say listen you know you're you're you've been picked for your genetics and intelligence but yeah don't tell me what to do here we're going to make a baby together I'm going to kill him at the death [ __ ] what is it called the death boner death no uh what if he already jerked off that day and he's got nothing left for you what if he just thre it don't jerk off what I I have a baby would you for sure yeah I'm not I I think it gets weird when you don't want to be the girl that's nagging your boyfriend about it or something you don't want to be the girl that talks about all the time but I think you know we are genetically predisposed as women we're maternal we do want that one day so I take care of this little dog but I don't it's not like on my mind like I'm just going to have a baby soon get ready it happens you ever draw pictures of what you want your baby to look like or anything weird like that no who does that what the [ __ ] Bri so weird is that what your black
girlfriend make between o treatments of longing to have children seem creepy as [ __ ] you if anybody could make that the most beautiful of natural urges seem creepy as [ __ ] it's you picturing some [ __ ] crazy lady sitting there sketching out what she wants her kids's teeth to be shaped like some girls are like that I think you [ __ ] yeah well that's the thing man some people like anything there there's a lot of people that like all kinds of crazy [ __ ] you know that's one of the weirdest things about growing up is experiencing the different things that people not only tolerate but actually love and then you try to bring them up with another person like get the [ __ ] out of here they get angry at you you know does anyone do that I do it all the time I draw my way I want my baby to look like you I'm sure somebody has for sure somebody must have they must have all babies are a little weird looking at first sure they're mushy well they're terrified too you you look at a terrified object you're like oh Jesus poor little thing yeah they have like dry skin sometimes little rashes and you're like what the [ __ ] is going on here like cat it's very tricky man raising little babies is very tricky keeping them from diseases and shots you know I can't get even get blanched not to eat cat poop I can't imagine yeah you got to watch you got to watch them every step like my one and a half-year-old is just now at the stage where I can let her get like one or two feet in front of me without her doing something stup but I got to be right there right there what are you doing what's going on and then maybe sometimes she'll be in an area where she can't mess anything up she's wandering around the bathroom like okay I got an eye on you I'll let you walk a little but you have to always be right there in case you're like what is this I lick this and I stick it in there you know they don't know they don't know anything they're babies crazy how you have that desire to protect her in the first like it's not hard for you to make sure she safe like it's a natural in you don't even you people who don't have children really have no idea what what the experience is like it's it's so hard to describe I thought I could kind of guess what it
would be like before I actually had kids I would think yeah it's probably just a really intense love and you know you it's probably really hard to probably test your patience but you you know you really want it's not like that at all you actually get get love and pleasure from it that's what I didn't understand I thought it even like the difficult times of raising kids I thought it would be stressful and it would be it would be uh something you would regret but you get like you get so much love from and it's so fun it's like you actually get it's rewarding that's what I didn't anticipate that it's like the fun involved in like raising kids it's like is if you're enjoying it you know and you're enjoying like raising them and talking to them and hanging out with them and playing with them it's it's so rewarding I didn't anticipate that I thought it was just going to be you know like loving and you know but difficult it's it's so much different than I ever thought it thought that initially I mean the fact that you're this is not a slight against men like women are obviously more in tune with you know being maternal and mothers and all that stuff so it's not about being a guy but do you think being a comic because when I watch Comics that are fathers reluctant fathers not everyone planned to have a kid I always get the vibe that people hate their marriages hate their kids and so that's always the way I felt like Comics were like oh I got this kid oh my kid's annoying and like do you think you felt that way because a lot of your friends or whoever you would watch when you were coming up had a disdain toward being a father well I think as Comics you know we we all can speak for the whole group and say that we're pretty much all [ __ ] up and super selfish yeah super selfish and [ __ ] up in one way or another you know I don't I don't know everybody's got their own little Kink and most for most of us it came from our childhood right most of us it came from you know either parents splitting up or you know being ignored weird [ __ ] that makes you want not all of us but the vast yeah and then the overwhelming need to to do it so much so that you'll you're willing to risk your self-esteem by going on stage in front of strangers
right you know and I think when you've been through that you're automatically apprehensive as a a potential parent of like recreating that same sort of environment that you had to experience when you were a child so you're really reluctant to be in some situation where you you know you're going to [ __ ] up the same way someone [ __ ] up with you oh that's one way of looking at it okay that is exactly how I looked at it you know and then there's also the part of being connected to this other person like you're responsible for them not the baby the other person that you mate with you know because you have to choose that wisely because I have friends that have had babies with [ __ ] crazy people and their life is chaos their life is craziness and the woman is constantly [ __ ] with them and trying to make them jealous and doing horrible things and saying bad things to the kids and it's just constant chaos you know and then he's got to always deal with the ex the new boyfriends and all these new guys that are around his kids like I've seen people that have that have had kids with the wrong person and it's just been a disaster so there's that too you know I it's so weird because in my early 20s uh like that's when you you know you're on your own for the first time and you're whatever in in we'll say la and I would watch these male comics and a lot of them and I'm sure you and I know several we have several in common where some guy probably in his 40s just effed some woman and she happened to be the one that stuck around so now he's married and he's like you never hear him talk about his wife he kind of doesn't like her or he like had sex with a crazy girl and now they have a kid and he likes the kid but he hates the woman and I think men get to dictate the way Society feels about marriage because just being the stronger of the Sexes and whatever guys like is always like the cooler thing girls are always no one ever wants to do the girl stuff what do you mean by that like women always want men's clothing women want to go where the guys are oh it's always like guys you know girls always want to be part of the boys club no guys knocking down the door to get in the Girls Club yeah women like to be part of the you know we want our comedy is you know like male Centric and everything we do we want to be one
of the guys and taken seriously like men so the view on kids in marriage you at least as a comic I'm watching them and they seem so unhappy so it all of a sudden becomes like uncool to have a baby and that's I've noticed a lot of girls saying things like I don't want to have kids I don't want to get married I don't want to be in a relationship the [ __ ] you don't you have to of course you do it's just become the thing dour to say that you don't want that because you women think men find it more attractive oh wow how many women are running that game so running around pretending they don't want relationships that or they think they don't I mean I host dating show and I hear girls all the time and I'm looking at you're a skank [ __ ] like I'm looking at your eyeliner job like I can tell that you suck dick a lot so eyeliner tells you that they suck a lot of car yeah it depends you write a book and just for the rest of us just you can tell you're going to wear like white eyeliner you're Let's Get Serious really okay girl with white eyeliner suck your dick lashes that sounds like Jo lashes depends it depends on the way of your makeup but I can tell by what you're wearing I can tell and then you hear them and they're like I don't want a relationship I don't want a guy checking up on me you want the right guy you're not immune to it and you say that because you want to like draw the guy in like oh I'm totally cool I'm totally oh that's what it is no woman I mean I like my space but I would be upset if the man I was dating like never called me yeah right be weird so girl but it's not NE you live with dudes yes how many at a time uh no I had I I was like um D I had a boyfriend we lived together when I was 25 for about a year and then I had a boyfriend who visited for a summer and then I have a boyfriend uh who's from so months on end but never like we both sign the lease and kills it when you're young young you get so B you should never do that when you're like 20 I did that when I was 21 it totally killed our relationship I really loved her before that she was fun living together that I was like oh this is a disaster I guess it depends on the girl I probably am the Messier like I tend to date guys that are opposite me so I
enjoy living with someone cuz I it's nice to have someone to hang out with and talk to that's nice if you find a good person but it's it's very difficult to do when you're 20 20 21 you're still a [ __ ] child you don't even know how crazy you are until you live with somebody totally and then they let you know how crazy you are oh yeah I'm cocking crazy I've done it as of late and it's great cuz then like as a girl if you like to bake then you can bake for them and you don't have to eat it cuz guys will eat anything wow you like to bake and not eat things I like to I love baking it's cathartic wow I have so fascinating listen to your point of view as an intelligent woman explained to us the traps the chicks set up that we already suspected we all knew it we've had these conversations with ourselves I go dude tell me when a girl says to you I don't want a relationship what are you thinking she's telling you we can [ __ ] that's what she said it means two things she probably doesn't like if you're you maybe gone out a couple times she's like I'm just not ready she doesn't like you like she doesn't she's not into you but it's a lure if she likes you and she's like no I'm totally cool like she might be a cool girl but she does want a relationship no girl wants to be cool with you just like sleeping with other girls and stuff like that and if she does she's got dad issues what about girls where it's the one hot girl that has all these guy friends oh I can't do that you know those girls that's a weird one I'm a tomboy that is what I wrote my Cosmo article on I have that in there oh really yeah uh first of all we both o really together yeah right speaking as the girl who has always been the Tomboy and always had guy friends right uh when you have a like a serious significant other it takes the place of the relationship ship you formed with a lot of guys you don't need cuz you have that male influence in your life you don't you can't just ditch your friends you you seem to need it more than most you're very aggressive I know yeah yeah what's that about but you're womanly you're not like like dyy but you're very aggressive yeah what is that about I don't know but it's a it's a warm friendly aggression like I never feel creepy around you you're always friendly
but like I can tell that you're like a friendly animal yeah but you're like you you would been a good competitor and some something athletic I know if I wasn't afraid of getting punched in the face could have been a really good fighter oh well you just got to learn Jiu-Jitsu get a get a good clinch High guard do video game and start slowly with a good trainer I'm not how old how old are you now I'm 28 damn it's not too late you can still get in there not even Mario Kart no I don't do video games I don't care are you strong I'm really strong really I'm not stronger than you yeah but I'm a man you don't have to find guys that are men we're at not in the same weight class either can I punch yes yeah never had to pretty confident you could you could if somebody taught you how to do it you could throw I could kill my dog if I kill your dog your dog's just tiny little kill my dog and your cat waa I bet your kid killed my cat not the male I bet he would [ __ ] you up I would I actually wanted to take a class I you think You' kill him until you grabbed them they start cat once they bite you we're such [ __ ] if a cat was trying to kill you if a cat was like trying to kill you [ __ ] cat you think so no not a cat if he got a hold of your neck got and then what if he bit drive into the concrete yeah but what if you're both dead what if you're both dead he get and you're gone it's a rap [ __ ] the cat I would take I should have asked I want to take like a class I would go maybe I'll tape it I'll go I want to take like one maybe like a boxing class well no you if you don't tape it what you want to do is you especially in the beginning you need someone to stand with you and and adjust things like adjust your shoulders adjust your hand position because especially in the beginning it's very important that you learn with proper technique because the the foundation the principles that you learn the habits that you form in the beginning a lot of times they stick with God and they get really good so when they get tired they go back to like their shitty technique okay so you have to learn correctly from the beginning you don't want to have to correct yourself so you're thinking while you're out there so from the beginning you only want to do it one way the correct way so
if you really want to learn how to do it where do you live well don't tell me on the air I live in Hollywood touch it what the [ __ ] are you doing they're going to find you man why do you live in the the the devil's ball sack why why do you live right there just because you live in like a really nice neighborhood yeah but like Hollywood's taking it dirty like I'm surpris Uris that you're not like like Burbank with your cat PE mattress Bank Burbank get out of here what exactly if the valley is s butle Burbank is like in his butthole good oneiza bank is a nice place it's relaxing I don't have to worry about people [ __ ] peeing on me how much is your rent a month uh two-bedroom apartment is $1,400 see I don't have a rent I have a mortgage yeah but I have a you own a place you bought a place in Hollywood did you get a condo or um it's a condo that's not bad why why' you say like I don't know smart you know fine and the area is getting better it is Hood I saw somebody had uh it was one of those uh TV shows they show the insides of people's houses and uh like Paris Hilton or someone famous like that might not have been her but someone had one of those apartments in on the on Wilshire you you know those pen houses on Wilshire Boulevard where they have like valet they have like 24-hour coner yeah where your grandparents like the older like all the way to Santa Monica yeah on the way to yeah like those really nice ones yeah those super duper luxury apartment this was the dopest view like I didn't know what kind of view these there's no views like this in LA and it's so high that you know you're you're way up there in this Tower looking over the city I'm like wow I'm not really into living in the city but if I was this would be the [ __ ] that area is I feel like it's where your grandparents live though I would want to have an office in that place I looked at it and the thing I thought of I like I would want to buy one of those apartments and use it as an office that'd be amazing but they're really expensive they're stupid they're like 20 million bucks or something crazy it's on the west side is that bad why is the West Side bad there's no comedy clubs over there that's true there's no I mean for the most part everything I need is in Hollywood that kind of dictated where I
bought something I like to be close you have the luxury of living farther out you have a bit more control over your career than I do right you have to go into Hollywood all the time I go I mean I do shows almost every night and you have your gig set like you don't you're not auditioning like a crazy person I moved 10minute Drive I want Burbank gross why Burbank it's not cool it's it's not living to be cool though I'm living just to have a quiet I can go in my backyard and be quiet at night I Canuck I can have parking everywhere I have a backyard fenced in Okay cool so you can just plan your funeral now it plan your funeral now just for like I'm I go to Hollywood takes 10 minutes I'm on [ __ ] Sunset I I just hang out in Sun then I drive back home to my nice quiet Castle no why is that instead of going staying in the party that you want to stay in with in the theer up all night while people are torching your houses do you like um Manhattan do you like that kind of City I love New York do you really would you live in Manhattan if you I would I've missed like if I were to move there now it would kind of be like I'd have it wouldn't help me it would be like a lateral move it's not like I'm I always think it's so funny when it might actually be a step down yeah because you have to start over with the comedy clubs and everything I think it's so funny when I meet girls like actresses or other hosts and they're like I'm I'm B host at all I'm like oh really is is New York just calling you just every month you got to go and back no you fly to Florida once a year to like visit your parents you're not by Coastal I was by Coastal for about 2 months I had two apartments so that's stupid I'd fly back I'm like why do I even have this [ __ ] place especially when you deal with the first winter you know and you get a nice winter in California like what the [ __ ] am I doing yeah my whole family's from New York really actually I love it they're all from New York City they're all City people I mean they start there and then they're from Long Island those are the very strange people who are born and raised and in New York City in the city different animal they don't understand the they don't understand a lot of parts of the world they don't even know what a pizza is or they don't
a lot of them don't drive of don't ever drive they don't ever get licenses yeah weird so they want to go somewhere on vacation it's a real pain in the ass they have to go get a driver's license they have to take driving classes and learn how to drive and then when they're on the road somewhere they're incompetent they don't they really shouldn't be driving cuz it's its own microcosm yeah but I do relate to how aggressive New Yorkers are and the way like the how forceful they are when they talk like I like that because I feel like that's how I come off do you like like really calm men yeah yeah you like like dudes or like sweeties who want to rub your feet like C not like [ __ ] or anything not not [ __ ] but just very mellow you're you're very much the dominant one right yeah but I mean I'm not like in bed like don't look at me turn around like it's you get on your back yeah they can be aggress like a quiet aggressive no you can't be on top quit you only like 2 minutes of a sex at a time remember I just get very tired I have to pee a lot you have to pee a lot to pee right now do you you can go pee who wants have sex for like I went all night like I got you just don't enjoy it w you don't know there's girls out there that are free yeah they probably wear white eyeliner like hookers why you say white why do you have to hate what can't they just be different than you can't you just enjoy your 2 minutes and they enjoy their couple hours that's fair it's okay is okay did a cowboy touch your butt girls just like getting [ __ ] all the time there's just some freaky [ __ ] out your crazy amounts of which one was this the one that you all left your podcast early because oh that sad girl that sat next to you on the Ice House Chronicles podcast right yeah that was I walked in and you were like what the [ __ ] are you talking about right when I walked in you were going after her I was like oh no what do we have here everyone keeps saying they're like you gave it to her you you were you were polite you weren you weren't being mean I never want to be mean to but you were laughing I mean there were some certain things that she was saying hitting on you that's all it was that's all it is it was just sad you know that that that same that's like really obvious struggle for attention by being overly sexual
right too but that podcast never was released yeah was that one had to go by it's on YouTube no it's I always just you know what it's fun to talk about sex but I honestly feel that a straight up sexual it can be the lowest form of communication especially between men and women like if all else fails you can always talk about how how you get off and so when we go right to that it's like oh we're not going to attempt to discuss anything all right sure quit hitting on me but I'm sure everyone listening you get hit on a lot by women no I don't put myself in situations where lesbians are coming at me no I mean like like you have to have a fan base of women that are probably lesbians do you ever get girls to say I was like you and then I figured it out [ __ ] men meet me at Sunset and Le you know I I don't think so I have lesbians that come to the show really I mean not like in droves but would you have sex with Rosie if if it was offered Ros if it was offered no but I do think people are a little hard on her she's not she's a heavy woman but it's not like she's repugnant like whatever she's very nice I'm sure she is I I really enjoyed talking to her I was I really looking forward to I I flew in really early just to do her show I had like a [ __ ] 6:00 a.m. flight she's I mean she's been around she's put in the work remember she's nice was it exit to Eden what was that one with the SNM club or the yeah I remember I I remember the scene where she was dressed up in the crazy outfit with leather [ __ ] and then she was in like The Flintstones too right there's no crying in baseball she was so good in that yeah was that the one when she played the mentally challenged girl on the bus I own that movie riding the bus with my sister God the worst movie my problem with this I lend this movie out to friends Hallmark sent me a three-part disc one year that had all their shitty movies I got watch that it's Annie McDow who I think is the worst fake Southern like worst thing ever Rosie O'Donnell is [ __ ] in this movie and what I don't buy about it is that she's a mean [ __ ] and [ __ ] people aren't mean she's a mean she's mean and smart and sarcastic what so it's just like Rosie O'Donnell but a little slower oh no like it was just
like she was like you want you didn't like her really as a she was like a mean [ __ ] if you watch this movie and it just there was nothing her face didn't look [ __ ] she was just like [ __ ] so she was just she came off like a stupid person you know I think it's kind of insulting whenever a person who's not really mentally challenged plays a person who's mentally challenged it's like who was the movie Pacific whatever the [ __ ] it was where what's his name um Downey uh Robert Downey says never go full [ __ ] oh oh Tropical Thunder tropical Pacific tropical Pacific I new tral [ __ ] cuz he played Simple Jack Simple Jack yeah never go feel [ __ ] yeah never go feel [ __ ] come on I mean it's so true every time someone does but people try it everyone thinks they're good enough to try it even [ __ ] Sean Penn went there well I think they do you can have brain damage and not be because if you're [ __ ] your face will look different and their faces are all still stunning you mean you mean down syndrome right yeah I guess you can be [ __ ] without having well I have a problem with you know like even the word [ __ ] has been kind of extracted from the vernacular you know we're we're saying it and we're throwing it around really easy we're going to piss a lot of people off just a lot of retards that listen to your podcast it's a tricky word now where it didn't used to be and it doesn't mean Down syndrome well it does in this Rosie O'Donnell case well [ __ ] actually means slow in music you have a [ __ ] or retardo when things go slow so take it up with the Italians well it [ __ ] not only that the you know the the the fire has been [ __ ] you know you can say that can't you R [ __ ] well couldn't you say yes it well retardant yes but couldn't you say the fire has been [ __ ] because of the uh the the gas fumes we're spraying on it the fire has been [ __ ] you could say that it wouldn't necessarily y this fire is [ __ ] yo is this this fire is crazy crazy [ __ ] yo [ __ ] this is terrible yeah well I had this woman came up to me after a show once when I used to do that bit about Noah and the Ark you know I do this bit about Noah and the Ark and the bit was that an 8-year-old [ __ ] boy you could tell
him the story of KN and the Ark and he would have some questions and you so you would tell like I had the best Storyteller in the world who told this incredible story to know in the ark and then the the 8-year-old retired boy would go oh there's a lot of holes in that story and the kid sits down and just breaks down Noah's AR this I had this woman come up to me after a show and she goes I thought that was really funny accept the fact that I have a [ __ ] son whatever and I'm like you know I don't know what to tell you you know I'm sorry I'm I mean I'm not really making fun of [ __ ] people I'm I'm sort of saying smart well well I mean I know it's we have to sort of admit and and and in any like anything you do that's creative is supposed to be an expression of how you view life and the culture right we are we supposed to never use [ __ ] people cuz they don't exist we can't use them as an example you know what she was probably laughing at all the other jokes at you expense of yourself and others so so when it pertains to you we have to make an exception itive [ __ ] people and regular [ __ ] people people so it's like we're now no I think there's [ __ ] people that make fun of themselves obv what I was doing obviously was actually including a [ __ ] person in my act and that's where Red saying it she's [ __ ] that's that's stupid I don't know man if that was your kid I think you You' want someone to know that it hurts I have I get I understand where she was coming from I have a friend who's a comic very and she's very funny and one of her sons is autistic and because she's a comic she not makes fun of him but she has a sense of humor about it and like her email is rain mom instead of Rainman you know like she gets it and she makes not jokes at his expense but and he's very aware she treats him like an adult and so there's you can be one of those people that gets it and gets their how they fit into the world or you can be weird and be like oh well he's [ __ ] so no one can say that that and well we weren't talking about her son in specific we were talking about me making fun of an eighty [ __ ] boy yeah I'm saying the fact that she had an issue with that is stupid I kind of see her point a little bit I I I I stopped doing
the bit because I got it onto a CD or dvd right but I would have kept doing it it was a [ __ ] good bit I love it's a good bit I think that's funny yeah I wrote Point man he was the hero in the bit Yeah he was the smart one he was the one who wasn't getting fooled by the stupid [ __ ] book coffee yeah oh coffee yeah yeah I don't know man it's uh I could see it from her point of view especially if someone was being malicious no you can't I mean obviously do what you want but you can't harp on the exception and that's true too comedy's about generalizing I know and it would be nice if everybody had a [ __ ] sense of humor right if everybody had a [ __ ] son then we could all just [ __ ] make fun of them oh Eliza how dare you every time people want to like you you come bring it back again your dog just poop on you and then you pet your crazy dog you're crazy dog lady yes obviously it's fine you need to learn some Muay Thai kid if you would you be more of a Grappler or kickboxer you think like to throw throw Dukes on girls or do you think you'd like to choke a [ __ ] I'll tell you the truth tell me the truth I I think punching is more useful but no one expects you to kick him and take him to the ground on a Saturday night waiting in line it hide true so I don't know I think I'd have to take an aptitude test like a physical aptitude test to see which of my limbs is quicker and then we'll just play to that strength what physical aptitude test to see which of your limbs is quicker am I better with kicking am I quicker am I quicker with punching like which am I better at am I naturally predisposed to well the the only issue with kicking is it takes a while to get good at it and you have to think about yeah you're going to get kicked kicked in the legs to do it correctly you got to learn how to leg kick and you got to learn balance you have to have really good balance because otherwise someone's just going to take you down byas it's easier to take someone down when they're kicking especially if you're kicking to the body or the head Ian I don't ever plan on being in a fight it would be nice to know how to defend myself in case somebody like gets crazy but I don't want to get kicked in the shin that's good thinking it's good to think that
way yeah you don't want to get kicked in the leg get kicked in the thighs it's really hurt or a lot of times you get kicked in the the calf like the lower Shin Like the fibula the little skinny bone is the tiia and the fibula dudes will kick the [ __ ] out of the outside of your like outside of your calf you know what they should do instead of having tasers they should have like they should have little necklaces with like little vials that are just like filled with AIDS blood and then everyone knows what that is and so if somebody's attacking like hey I got my AIDS blood don't make me throw this in your no way would I not have spill that on myself that would be yeah throw it in their face and their eyes and stuff you still wouldn't want it to happen right you wouldn't want it to happen but it's a little tiny vial I would take my chances by the time you got to your vial and opened it up I think I'd beat your ass I think I would rather have be Tas and have AIDS blood thrown in my face dude unscrewing a VI no I don't think you'd get a a guy with a vial how much is your vile how big is it def little you know like those little perfume samples dude if that broke on you what if somebody opened a door on you what if it's you know like a titanium it's a you kill someone like you you'll go to jail for that if you willingly knowingly give someone AIDS oh my God yeah but if somebody's attacking you you could just say you just threw some blood at him why not just have a thing I'm that's better than like if somebody attacked you you're allowed to shoot him right if you if you say hey yeah he he attacked me I threw some blood on him I think that's less than shooting somebody that's attacking right the dumbest thing I've ever you one of the silliest men that's ever walked the face of the Earth you really are they're saying AIDS blood probably is cheap and then like a guy that has AIDS could sell his own blood and make his own weapons for you and then that could help him pay his bills for having AIDS whoa why wouldn't you instead of giving him AIDS give him something that'll mess with them temporarily like mercury poison you can't you can't talk to him when he gets this far he goes this far out and [ __ ] SP do you have AIDS and you're looking for ways to make money trying to make money he has AIDS buy my AIDS his
brain has AIDS only his brain it's only the part of his brain that forms sentences that part has AIDS it's a very specific form of AIDS it only hits it only hits one area of the brain that form logical sentences that that part has AIDS you ever think you had AIDS oh the time I had an AIDS test when I got uh health insurance the first time I had health insurance I was like 23 I was terrified and you're like just even though you know you didn't have it you were like nervous think of all the girls you [ __ ] without a condom yeah really yeah when Google first came like when gole Boston when you living in Boston you don't have time to put a condom on I live in Boston girls will get angry at you okay I'm de s you're not going to [ __ ] me anymore I changed my mind you had to just stick it in while you could you had to do your best as quickly as you could get away from those monsters where are you going did you live in the C you got responsibilities responsibilities I lived uh all over the place I grew up in Newton but I lived in Rivier and wal Medford I lived in a couple different spots I lived off Symphony Lynn I lived in Lynn right oh the city of sin you never go out the way you came in yeah I ate pie there really stoned one night waa yeah this was what the grossest place i' ever lived like that was on the ocean ocean was nasty it was never it never felt cool to be in the ocean there it's not a nice ocean I couldn't appreciate it either as you know 19 orever the hell I was you have you have the AIDS no I thought I had AIDS once I I there was this girl that I used to [ __ ] around with the one of the girls that like only had a three so couple times by one of the girls it was the girl from that and she was a hippie she used to be a hippie I ran into her and she was like looking hot she wasn't a hippie anymore she has big boobs so we [ __ ] a couple times she had boob job she no she always had good boobs but now she was just hot yeah just hot girl and so we [ __ ] around uh we you know back in the day they used to have like webcam things and I [ __ ] her on webcam you know thank God no one ever recorded or saw [ __ ] on uh 37 and then so uh doesn't he seem like he's 12 yeah yeah I I thought you were younger not like immature sure I just thought you were
right younger and then uh she uh didn't live in the city and so she got pregnant and then she came back and I had to like sell all this stuff to pay for uh the baby hammer or whatever it's called abortion and so uh then I found out from a friend that knew her it's like dude she's been doing heroin lately you know she she's I guess she's been doing heroin a lot now she's just [ __ ] up and I'm thinking oh right I [ __ ] a heroin addict you know with no condom on you know and I'm like thinking and then one day out of no nowhere she called me up and goes Brian um I need to talk to you about something and I'm like no no no no bad caller you know I hung up cuz my girlfriend was in bed with me uh and I was just like I can't talk to you and for a couple years I was like what what do she want to talk to me about oh no no wait listen and then so then I went on Google when Google first came out I'm like uh I'm thinking any kind of symptoms I I've noticed I've had and one was like sweating at night and I'm like typing sweating at night and it was like oh AIDS and then I was like oh what else I got and I I like typ in something else you know like uh headaches or something you know AIDS it kept on going back to AIDS so for a couple years I was freaked out then finally I had some kind of uh mole removed and they they had to like do a full blood thing I'm like can you add the AIDS bonus test to that and I was fine but it was such a relief and then later I found out that she wanted to tell me that uh she didn't have was pregnant I she never got an abortion and that she just wanted money to buy more heroin wa so she had to confess to you it was one of the 10 steps that's one of those things is 12 steps 12 steps whatever it is yeah you have to write the wrongs mhm have you ever dated someone that was an alcoholic mm I went on two dates with a girl once it was really cool and she turned out to be an alcoholic the first date we had a great time I was like wow this chick is so cool you drank on the date or she didn't drink I don't think we did no we just hung out and I remember talking to her I'm like she's so nice so normal and then the next night it was uh at some bar in Hollywood uh where there was going to be a comedy show and she had got there before me with her friends and she was [ __ ]
hammered hammered right away hammered and and and for some reason mad at me and I hadn't done anything I had done like nothing I just got there I was like what's going on [ __ ] where you where have you been or something crazy I was like why are you so drunk I go what the [ __ ] happened to you and I go where are your friends is someone here with you I'm F myself and she pulls away impressions of women women so gross was this one was she knocked the glass over and it was like the whole deal stumbled lost a shoe to get her shoe and put it on I was like wow I really liked you like the first date I like this girl is cool she totally was like girlfriend material she was fun she was friendly she was nice and then boom next night trashed just like to the point of like there's no way you could ever hang out with someone who gets that drunk oh God cuz then it'll get personal then she really will be mad about something and what's also when you look real alcoholism in the eyes and they're just floating around with the rest of us like most people that I know that drink could not drink from now to the end like between us like Ari Duncan uh Joey all of us we if we sat around and we you know and we found out that one of us did never had a drink again and that uh one of us uh just uh you know one of us just drinks every night now it it would be I would be more likely to believe that they would just give it up like I I don't think any of us would have a problem giving it up I give it up the other day for four days cuz I got so drunk Thursday give it up for four days did you did you hear what I did how drunk I got Thursday I I didn't even tell you this no all right so I went to but I was going to say though but is that we before you say this though is that that's most of us but we all do know one person who's not that way we know one person who you you give them a couple of drinks and [ __ ] gone and I didn't know it existed until I I met people in Hollywood I was the I grew up I didn't know anybody like that and you meet people in comedy in particular I'm sorry that I I remember there's this one Booker who was super cool and then he would just be really mean to me I don't any enemies in comedy and and I never understood I'm like what did I do wrong
like why is he mad at me and I found out he was a raging alcoholic and if you're not if you're unaware of those types of people or how they act you don't know how to handle it cuz I never knew anyone like that it's so bizarre when they literally change personalities and you think it's you yeah and you and not only that you're you're actually you're trapped with a crazy person like if you're having a conversation with them and they're drunk and you're like whoa whoa well this person doesn't even see reality they don't even see reason so what was you what were you going to say I got uh Eddie Bravo drunk the other day Indian drunk at uh Sam trip n show no you didn't get him drunk you got drunk personally you got as drunk as he gets yeah me me and Veronica were uh going to the naughty show we both had an eight all day and we were like going to eat but we were running late so we're like you know what we'll just go for a bit and then we'll go get something to eat and I guess there was uh somebody told me there was was that moonshine there and and I did a couple shots of moonshine but I thought it was just shots Hazard yeah and so I I I got so [ __ ] drunk that I don't I blacked out I completely don't remember what is the AL what's regular alcohol proof or moonshine's 100 Proof what is regular alcohol uh5 I think 70 I don't know I don't know but grain that's grain alcohol it's way more powerful than tequila right illegal and people make it yeah yeah 100 Proof so how many shots you think that represents out a regular alcoholic I don't know but I had they have these old Milwaukee cans about that big I had three of those and two shots what I thought was just vodka three of the Old Milwaukee giant old milwauke Oh I thought you were saying old M walking cans filled with that stuff oh no no no no no I was like how are you alive and so I that night I got home and I I was going through my phone and I was like remembering all the [ __ ] that happened trying to piece things together and one of the things I did was at the at the show somebody was yelling out Veronica's name when she was on stage at the naughty show and he was like well Veronica Veronica come here you know like whatever so I decided to make fun of him and outdo his heckling
so I was I have it on tape to it's on YouTube I I was going Veronica I want a [ __ ] on your face but I did it 12 times louder and louder everyone in the audience is looking back like what the [ __ ] is this guy girlfriend name is Veronica so you're out heckling the Heckler I'm out heckling the Heckler why why were you so in to do this I don't know but the video the video is so hilarious though if you look at it it's a Veronica I want to [ __ ] on your face on YouTube oh my God and then so then I felt videos available on YouTube right now yeah and so I felt so bad that anyways then that night I went to across the street to that where we always ate at the standard when used to always comment story and we went in and there was not there was only one other table in the whole entire restaurant so me and my girl were eating there and the other table was a drunk Japanese guy a big tall black guy and an Armenian and they were about 50 they're 55 years old and they were wasted just being slobbery wasted and the Armenian dude staring at my girlfriend the whole entire time and like to the point where I'm like why is this guy staring at you so we eat I go I I go to the bathroom and then we'll leave so I go to the bathroom I come back and he got he was in the middle of this table he got out of the table and he was leaning on the table freaking my girlfriend out like trying to hit on her doing something he knew I was with her he saw the whole time I was there so I walk up to this and I'm like okay I'm wasted blackout wasted I'm I'm going to act like a [ __ ] psycho this is how dumb I was I start going what's up man hey how's it going like like like I was like on cocaine or like I was just like up in his face what are you doing I like get the [ __ ] out of here man and he's like oh I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I was like don't make me [ __ ] shoot you man like you said don't make me shoot you it got to the point where the standard the security comes up and goes do we have a problem here I'm like no man he's like here's your bill and I tipped them 100% it was like $43 I tipped them like uh $4 yeah $40 I was just like you know cuz I like while I was acting crazy I was just like uhoh you know security here's here's an 100% tip and then like I come out like and you hear the guy sit down
and he's like going he he's he's right I don't know why I did that you know like I could hear him saying that right and I go have a safe trip outside [ __ ] or something like that and then and then the guy's like man stop man stop and I just walk out and I'm walking out I'm like holy [ __ ] let's get the [ __ ] out of here you know but I could have easily you play poker you play poker I played poker and I bluffed and it worked won and the funny thing is before I went to uh before I did this I I was like hey let's do a podcast while we're eating you know to to Veronica and and I forgot that like the waiter came up or something like that and so my I I recorded the whole thing have the audio version of it but I am so embarrassed by I I do not want to release it it is well can I listen to it I I don't even know no I I I don't want anyone to ever hear Brian Brian Brian this is a beautiful thing no no no it's most embarrassing thing ever to the biggest blackout night I documented everything but you already admitted to it but you already admitted to it this is part of the 12 Steps oh you should that that that thing alone was like like listen bro you're like a little [ __ ] right now you're teasing the world I I might release in the future to release it I don't think come on you already brought it up you already you already so embarrassing you gave away inform it's so embarassing release it right you got to release it it's too embarrassing it's not you're crazy I act like [ __ ] psycho well listen you were F you felt threatened there was a bunch of men you know and see what what's so funny is uh that she did the same thing on years I think I talked about like where we were getting threat we went party downtown and it was one street from the shelter and we were drunk at like 2 a.m. like walking to our car uh and with a friend that wasn't drunk that was driving us and uh we were going through what was like the the homeless you know where all the shelters are and stuff like that so the street was just all homeless people about a hundred of them in one block you know just like zombies walking around and our car was in the middle of it and then like all these people kept on coming up like hey Dr it's like Thriller yeah it was like Thriller it was exactly like Thriller yeah and so like this one all these
people my girlfriend's hot you know dressed up New Year's Eve style like butth holes showing out and uh you know New Year's Eve but hole out it's New Year's Eve where's your butthole girl you ain't even fashionable yeah and so like all these people kept on coming up for money and stuff and her response like her her defense mechanism it's just going and like just like and people are like damn is that girl on crack you know like that that so I think I did the same thing and I I was so wasted I don't know you remember that she had done that that takes that comes from a weird place to be like I'm going to act like a crazy person because yeah that's not I don't think I can do that I think it's just too much confidence liquid confidence you know like I'm just going to well you sounded like you were in another world man you sounds like you were so drunk you don't know what the [ __ ] you she already had her butthole out I mean I guess well that's that's normal it's it's Halloween but out it's it's Halloween butle if there's ever a Time the butthole was was will launch will launch yeah Blossom the butthole Blossom why did you send me that picture by the way of what he's like can you do Joe's podcast and I was like let me check let me see what I'm doing he was like it's 400 p.m. and then I click on my text and there's just a picture of a dog with a cork in its butt oh yeah and I was like don't I was like I don't and I just wrote back I was like I don't like that he like oh you can't poop I'm like don't don't send me stuff like that that's such a weird like from A to B like and now here's Joe's address the time and dog with a cork in its butt well I've gotten I did not like it you know I that's not real it's a Photoshop but I like it doesn't matter but I love sending random photos you know like and uh like I asked Tom Zur he has a he's busy Friday and he's like I'm in Minneapolis so I sent him a picture of a big black guy with his dick out and he goes That's unnecessary you've done that to me yeah no you no none of like you haven't done this to me many times I think we've all seen enough disgusting crap but when like got text messages from him open up the text message and I I it's a an image you can't see what it is like it's at night time at a comedy club or something like
that I click on the image and it's a black guy with a giant dick and a white guy sucking it why is it always funny when it's a black guy's penis I don't know it's funnier no jok this last week it was my my girlfriend's birthday and she was turning 30 and I was like I'm going to be a materal center neurotic cake and what they do when you call for the irotic cake is they take you through the entire order process and at the end tell you how much it is it was like $200 and we're like not even close for a boob cake why because a dick it's a dick cake how much is a regular cake you have to pay more for theck 10 like it depends on how much like at the grocery store $200 to make a dick cake to have it delivered too oh okay but it was like in Houston it was so uncomfortable cuz I'm already calling I'm like it's like a big and I had to get a black penis cuz it's funnier for some reason like get a big black penis on the cake and then he was like all right and he was so over his job he's like you want come you want hair on the balls I was like I literally was like please don't ask me that it's uncomfortable he's like what are you doing it's what I do it's what I do here so for 200 bucks she got a black penis and I had them right have an elegant birthday yes oh that's a good thing to say h yeah I didn't want to be like suck a [ __ ] it's your 30s so I wrote something nice I think sucker [ __ ] if it's your 30s would have been way better actually why would you not want to say that I I wanted to retain some of dignity save that dignity for the tourists my 30s yeah I used to I used to always get boob cakes from my uh family growing up from like 12 on or something like that from them from them or for them from them like like every day that was like the big thing my dad would get bocakes you were 12 yeah well 13 and they were actual nipples well they weren't real nipples they were made out of like Hershey Kisses or something like white Hershey Kiss but it would look like two white nipples right she's cold what so but it would look like that right it would yeah yeah it would look like boobs it's fun you know like I don't think there was I couldn't eat it I I think I feel like there was like jizz in the batter or something actually I take that back it wasn't full boob it was the one where the bikini but
you could see a little boob around like in it uh cakes but older I got I started having nipples but my 18th birthday my older I got I started I'm moving up but and when I was 18 15 boy we've changed your cake congratulations when I was 18 it was a black one do you think you ever molested that you don't remember I hope is possible I hope not I hope not do you think there something something must have happened though right when you were younger that you're trying to block out what you boob cakes growing up that is weird why you par every was it say cleavage cleavage cakes and then I think when I was like 16 it started becoming boob cakes and I was 18 it was Black full on vaginas like they had on the cake list they had like open vaginas vaginas with I'm like who's like let me slice into this this looks great the Midwest bocakes were I guess the more accepted I don't know social Midwest well there wasn't a lot to do there right really cold I think just anything it seems like you know people that lived in West Virginia and Ohio from Ohio Columbus Ohio but I think like that whole little chunk of area I think people had like a sicker sense of humor Texas remember I remember sck sense of humor yeah like I remember like you goed yeah you'd go to these people's houses and they would have like like you know statues that had were some silly and there was a penis involved you know like and that was like at your grandpa's house you know what your grandpa's house no none of that my friends had elephants on their parents are you talking about you lived in a sad world like boob cake then you go cut wood you grew up country you grew up movie you know I don't know I you grew up in a Stephen King movie kid yeah I did it was a Stephen King movie yeah that's what it is it's just it was people were just not had more humor sexual they have more humor more sexual humor sexual humor they more like you just had pervy Rel yeah sounds like I'm talking about friends in neighborhoods families I'm talking more sexual humor than the dirty comedians you're hang out with here like what are you talking about no I'm just saying they were they were like all I grew up feeling like everyone had a dirty joke thing like everyone's families had like dirty magazines and everyone's maybe okay maybe like if you find the dad's
got like some playboys and like one or two things but not like on the mantle here's well boot cakes I think were more accepted yeah I mean I think that was normal for a lot of people that get a boot cake or a cleavage cake when you're 16 really yeah absolutely I believe you I believe you it's just it seems weird to me yeah does your mom have to order it no my mom would never give me a boob cake she you know she'd give me Jesus did you ever have one of your friends um who had a like a buddy who [ __ ] his friend's mom no did you know anybody did that never did you yeah yeah I knew I knew one kid okay I can only see your eyes right now yeah I remember one kid who uh [ __ ] his friend's mom his friend's mom's kind of a freak and I think they smoked weed together too well that's unforgivable and he banged his friend's mom she was a single mom was she hot I don't remember I was like 16 or 17 and I think he was a year older than us he may have been 18 he might have been like a year out of school and we were sophomores and he banged this dude's Mom God that sucks for the kid whose mom like that to know that crazy yeah nobody was happy yeah dudes don't like that I remember when no they don't like that yeah when I was in the Boy Scouts one of the [ __ ] 18-year-old kids was hitting on my mom in front of me and it was so untable yeah horrible one of the guys who just got out of the boy he's flirting with my mom about the time my mom was in her 30s she was still pretty hot that's crazy it was gross though being a little kid going what the [ __ ] just thinking some dude wants to Bone your mom I would imagine that's awful I did I never thought about anyone boning my that's probably going to go through your head one day you're going to have to tell some little 18-year-old kid to get the [ __ ] away from you yeah when you're taking your kid to school I do now you tell him to take away well what do you do now you take do you ever want to like teach him show them what's up no no grab a Boy by the hair come here no train train a good one I can't I really don't have a thing for guys that are younger than me at all uh and so I just get very there's a PA that works on our show who is adorable and so cute and I'm so attracted to him but not in the way that I want to make out with him but I
know he's hot every time his name's Joey and every time I see him I'm like oh Baby Joey so little like I can't I know he's so hot but I there's nothing I don't want to sleep with him I just want to like hug him right no sexual attraction like I can tell someone's hot but I have no sexual attraction anyone younger than me cuz it makes me feel so old right I don't like feeling old in my 20s right that makes sense yeah it's not attractive I don't I don't and then everything starts to hurt I feel so old as it is cuz I'm always so TI well you're very smart for 28 I know you know that's a problem is that a problem must be a problem in dealing with dudes most guys in their 20s are even dumber than girls in their 20s because of testosterone yeah testosterone [ __ ] clouds your mind and and really Mass L slows down your ability to accumulate information cuz it's just so busy chasing [ __ ] especially when you're in your early 20s you barely learn a goddamn thing until you're like almost 30 when you're a dude I get the feeling that a lot of guys anybody anybody comic that knows me obviously isn't hitting on me like you know me but I get I get this vibe that that's nice though isn't it you're totally one of the gang you it's nice but I get this feeling that Comics who I know just from seeing around different clubs or whatever that they're a little afraid of me and it's not because I want to like hurt anyone's feelings but if you come up to me you say something stupid I'm not going to be like the money I'm going to be like what and then they get nervous and then it's but I don't mean to it's just like act like a person right if you're going to come talk well some men are just [ __ ] up talking to women anyway some men are so insecure when it comes to talking women that they they fall apart and it so quickly translates to hate yeah you know what it is I I realized that when I had a friend who was an ugly dude who who broke it down to me once he was talking about girls and you know I was trying to tell him from a girls perspective and I'm like just imagine if you're a girl and a guy like you is constantly trying to [ __ ] her I go you know I mean and and he said well here's the deal he goes I'm I have to admit he goes I'm not good-look he goes just I'm not so
they're not attracted to me so I have to I have to try Force I have to try harder I have to force myself in cuz someone will say yes yes someone will give in someone will just be overwhelmed by his confidence but at at the end of the day they get angry at you and for a lot of these men it's becomes they they just have this direct Association in their head with women with feeling bad feeling rejected and they just want to strike out and that's where a lot of them that anger towards women comes from even on like my Twitter feed or my Facebook so PE grown men and this is the weirdest thing to me I understand guys can be gross I don't fault anyone for you know you oh you're so hot I want to [ __ ] you all right that's what people say but when I go on my Facebook page and you've written something like I want to [ __ ] you so hard I come to like C something like that and your Facebook picture is of you and your wife like what the [ __ ] is wrong with you like you just had such an uncontrollable boner that you had to ejaculate words on my page and it just it's not flattering and it's or people write like really mean like I've been on podcast before and even probably today and people will be like you're such a [ __ ] cond [ __ ] your man and it's just so aggressive and you're like why cuz I spoke like men get amped for stuff like that oh yeah oh yeah I'm going to check my Twitter feed right now keep talking now you're really going to now it's going to be terrible you just opened it but Happ so many [ __ ] they say a woman scorned is like the wor I think a guy scorned is probably worse cuz they get rapy a lot they get rapy a lot of men they especially dudes who don't do well they do associate women with being the source of their misery you know it's unfortunate and you know why cuz prostitution is illegal that's why because if prostitution were legal there would be brothel and someone could take care of those guys physical needs I'm not saying the women should be prostitutes but I am saying there's some women who are going to be prostitutes better and it's not a bad thing necessarily it ain't a bad thing it's a service to the community it's our idea that's bad what it's okay to massage the guy but it's not okay to massage his dick I say [ __ ] I think it should be legal toally should be legal totally
should be legal should be regulated the girls should be checked they should do it like they handle it in other countries you know uh that's we're so because we're so I think we've talked about this puritanical yeah ridiculous we're like a by the way grain alcohol is actually 100 someone wrote Brian D Morton wrote It's 180 to 200 proof and Jack is 80 proof God damn it 100 proof I don't even know what that means oh that hurts my liver just is 5% dude just stop it you just said 200 proof just stop and think about that I know I don't know I don't know how to comprehend that 100% alcohol God that's 100% alcohol it's like $43 in tip oh my God what a [ __ ] explosion in your liver that must be boom your whole bloodstream must be like what the [ __ ] did you just do yeah need to get a blood transfusion just add some more you know 100 proof is 50% moonshine is 100% so that's what someone says so moonshen is 100% I'm just reading a tweet wow yeah I've heard some ridiculous uh High percentages of uh of disgusting alcohols but that's the highest I've ever heard I've never heard anything that high before yeah 200 I drank a [ __ ] ton of absin once is 200 proof 100% is that what it means what does it what does it mean 200 I think it's you be more than 100% yeah how could you be how does math work isn't it fun to be a comedian and be [ __ ] ignorant oh I things I went to South Africa when I was in high school and absin was legal there and it wasn't legal here yet and you hear about the green butterfly and hallucinating and it's awful it tastes like black Licor it's like it's not good I liked it drinking it drinking it drinking it with the sugar of the thing I just got shitfaced no hallucinations cuz it's not made with wormwood anymore which is what makes you do that oh you can drink abson all day long you will not hallucinate from it that's interesting does anybody make it the other way with the wormwood nobody they're done in general it's like poisoning you whoa but anyways you can't like it's just it used to be that way and it's not anymore it's not quite the same as drunk right it's a little different I said the way I described it I said it was like a cousin of drunk see I just was I also Dr a lot of other
stuff I enjoyed it I did it in Vancouver with what what made out like the hottest South African guy whoa yeah did you like his accent is that your first black guy what if he said something really racist right before put what what if you said something really racist right before he put it in cuz you know sex they get they get kind of racist you made out with them though I made out with them in a club in a bathroom and then we got kicked out cuz I brought the ladies make out you're a dirty [ __ ] I was 21 I love it that's what I'm talking about so are you a horny drunk an angry drunk or a happy drunk me why you questioning it why you putting that that angry part out tired drunk wine red wine drunk is the worst it is can I just well here's my ding it is birthday's coming up and I'm going to do I wanted to do like a full-on [ __ ] birthday where you get drunk and wear like tiny dress and get a table right really why do you do that because it's my last birthday in my 20s so what so I want to have a party like I'm in my 20s I have a dress that's this big it's actually a sock and I'm going to fit into it and I'm just going to bring a bunch of girls with me can we videotape can we just let know what bar can weap put on the internet sounds like that would be a good can we smell the dress the following day smell it who are you cying but my I get afraid because I never drink I mean I just don't ever have like a chance to go on part I'm afraid that I'll have two drinks and be tired and miserable right red V well do you take vitamins do you take multivitamins and eat healthy I I eat very healthy sleep good I love 1s vitamins too do you really I need 1 well that's awesome I'm a cat that's awesome have nothing to get up for in the morning that's good though that's good you're well rested but vitamins are important even even on a healthy diet I'm I believe very strongly in vitamins I've had health issues that were corrected by vitamins take them every day shroom Tech take that [ __ ] son that's true Tech immune that's the [ __ ] for your imun I've and I've been even though I eat healthy I've been you want to take it with me yeah it's yours okay I'll give you the all the other stuff too you have a flashlight I don't want you sure you don't want one what am I going to use that for you could just
practice I don't want friends to come I don't want anyone to come over and see that and see that yeah it could be a novel D item I get it could be a novel item the other day I took a picture of me sitting on my couch and one of my bras was behind me and someone is that and it's not like a cute bra it's like one of these like like yeah and I you have rather large brow so do you have to have special supporting type you get a Sears for your bras Sears I'm not poor you know you get oh look at the way you said that oh my God you know Sears is the one of the few places you can actually have like custommade braws if your boobs are too big for a normal thing they they can I don't have freak I don't have like well one of them is well yeah what about one with the teeth no I the one that used to be your twin it's just it had a nose colum like a little Wishbone in there that's a wishbone and like a tooth and a nose it CRI imagine well we could we could take it out but we might have the entire tit so you had to choose between Wishbone and tooth ridden tit sounds like rappers it's Snee in a while yeah that's that's a new that's my new group that's my POS this is my boy Wishbone and this is bone ritten tit anyways my bra was behind me and that was embarrassing enough that someone saw that I don't want a flashlight sitting around my house it's an ugly bra cuz it's these are strangers and I can understand if you deliberately do it but when someone sees into your home without you knowing like the fact that they saw that and I hadn't I wasn't aware of it no it's an ugly bra also it's not like oh that's hot like no one's ever looked at like a nude colored bra and been like oh is that to minimize under your t-shirts like it's just not hot right yeah I could see that I guess if I was a chick yeah it's not like dudes don't give a [ __ ] you find sweaty shirts and [ __ ] oh I thought you meant for looking at bras oh but coming over a girl house and find bras you don't want to see an ugly bra a cute bra is fine oh you're out of your mind I don't give a fuckless grandma really Grandma by the time I get I'll show you a picture of an ugly bra I don't know what kind of guys you're hanging out with but any guy that gets
turned off by a [ __ ] bra laying around not turned off but there are more attractive not that I want to turn I don't guys don't give a [ __ ] are you crazy I understand guys don't give a [ __ ] different idea of what's good and bad and and what's nice and not nice we we walked in your house there a BL bra on the ground we would laugh no you would but and I understand guys don't care like girls like oh does my underwear match he doesn't give a [ __ ] I totally get that I'm just saying if you had a choice of looking at like a really cute lacy black bra versus like Grandma's nude full coverage utility bra you'd rather see the cute one well I guess but really we don't give a [ __ ] it's all for you most guys don't give a [ __ ] about lingay get that [ __ ] off I want to see your body I don't I agree I agree I don't get turned on you pick your dog up cuz I have a litter box in here for real her breath does smell like yeah don't have your dog eat my cat's [ __ ] come here that would be the circle of life you're such a strange person Eliz a slush with your your your little animal that you take care of and bring everywhere thing yeah his face she can be a mean woman whoa yeah she got teeth and [ __ ] isn't that weird she's probably developed to like kill rats in the sewer too right yeah I when I give her her she's like she breaks their necks she's half long hair daxson half long hair Chihuahua oh what kind of what is the first one half long hair daxon long hair do see shex she likes apples and carrots didn't they make Dotson for that very reason to go after things like that's where they had like long bodies a little short legs just to go in Rat holes or something like wasn't that like Jack Russell Terriers I know they br them for that Jack Russell Terriers are aggressive little doggies going after squirrels and [ __ ] does blanch ever bark is it a barker mhm she'll bark at like squirrels and stuff she's not a social dog she doesn't care like for other dogs when your dog eats poop does it make you love her a little bit less she doesn't do it it's disappointing it's like finding out your daughter does it's like getting your car broken into yeah but she uh she's a good girl look at I mean look at that face I know but she eats poop and
see that's what my dog does actively eat it's not like she takes it every day well she's not going to pass up on it if it's on the buffet yeah [ __ ] you used to have a bit about that didn't you yeah yeah yeah it's [ __ ] gross you this with your pets I do with your daughters like CU you love like do you ever get this like aggressive like oh my God with my daughters a little bit but not really with my pets it would freak my cat out and my dog's pretty big you don't really want him getting into doing no you don't want him in your face but when you love something in my ACT I talk about how I want to rip her face off like when you love something so much like you just want to hurt it like that's a girl thing no yeah that's a girl thing that's why relationships always end girls want to bite your face off yeah they love it so much they want to fing hurt you you little freak seems like that's true though like girls always want to hurt person are with and me well you might it might just be you I mean how many time fake abortions did I pay for what abortion listen powerful people can't help it powerful people this [ __ ] podcast is over Elija sler people want to find you if they want to catch you out there in the wild world what do they get on on Twitter you find me on Twitter I IA which you IA and we uh we will tweet this after the show um we tweeted it before the show as well Twee it right now and uh what's do you have a website at oh it's just Eliza ia.com really how'd you get both of those no one spells their name like me oh that's awesome oh you're so lucky it's so easy to memorize it is but no one spells like that so everyone's like I tried it with an e and I couldn't find you oh where are you going to be uh doing your little standup comedy routine I'll be this weekend at the LOL comedy club in San Antonio LOL comedy club in s San Antonio where's that what part of San Antonio is it it's near the river off loop it's off the 410 Loop oh okay cool and so there's two comedy clubs in San Antonio now I don't know I think there was another one right wasn't there another one where did paully Shore get punched the fake punch incident remember yeah remember that like they made a fake video beating him up and everybody got so excited that it beat that he got beat up totally
backfired that's so funny it was really horrible man that was the first time cuz that was one of the first celebrity things like that where a guy faked something like like one dude and then he punches him isn't that yeah the guy gets on stage and the guy's [ __ ] huge and they and then the video they released it afterwards was him working it out but the negative comments after the first video like yeah [ __ ] that [ __ ] punch him in the face like the the things the hate that he received must have been horrific to know that people feel like that about you so many people and that it was so accepted there was no one standing up for him there was no one was going hey man in the Army now is one of my favorite alltime movies [ __ ] you you know you're you're the [ __ ] po makes millions of people smile that's that was some uh hard that was that was intense it was intense it was horrible moment in your life yeah Texas they [ __ ] party though I do love going back to Texas we haven't been in a while I think uh next next gig we're going to do is in Austin I'm trying to work that [ __ ] out for the spring you probably you don't play clubs you do like theaters I do clubs and theaters see I I've been coming to this one club in Austin for so long it would feel weird if I didn't go back there yeah I perform did my first DVD there in 1999 so I I can't I just that's my spot you know can I tell you what like a really humbling moment I had at Cap City aside from when a fan brought a buck knife to meet me which comfortable he have it on his belt so you saw it or it behind him yeah okay and he came up he was like hey it was very like what is your problem uh when I called and I was like hey I'm driving over um where can I park and they didn't care that I was a headliner they're like uh there's a Hobby Lobby across the street across the freeway you can just park over at the hobby l I'm like there's no parking for no Hobby Lobby I'm like I'll just make the hike you were the headliner dude that's not even true you know there's a back alley where there always they always park right behind not only do would they wait for us too but I Think We're Men We Are Men it's difference that was very weird maybe I should have been more assertive yeah in general I should be more aggressive maybe it was a
was it a girl answering the phone maybe she didn't know or maybe it was like a night like a manager that didn't know and I'm not the kind of person to be like do you know who I am your dog's going to eat cat [ __ ] come here she's on her way come here go get her let here see that face yeah fine um what were we talking about Cap City that's it you were saying you love Austin and I was saying I'll be in uh San Antonio yeah but you were talking about them not giving you oh this Lobby do you think that that's like a girl that a girl just didn't want like she was answering the phone like [ __ ] female comedian think she going to come in headline females ain't even anything good I you know I I don't cuz it wasn't even the first night I think it was so many times we don't realize how a lot of people that have jobs in general you work in a comedy club not they're not necessarily up to like they don't really know what's going on it could have been that or maybe there was something there might have been something going on where they were doing maintenance and you couldn't Park I just it was such an odd thing and I as a girl it's so quick you're so it's so easy to get labeled a mean name if you stand up so I just sometimes I'm just very like okay no problem did you hear that um what the [ __ ] was his name again that got fired Eddie Brill who got fired from Letterman what did he say he said uh what was it women something about how women try to be more like men in their acts and that's why they're not funny or something I 1,00% think that there's no way he got fired because of that one comment yeah like let's get serious I don't know what else he did but no one stands up for women that much like women get raped every day and people can still keep their jobs probably just a bad poker hand yeah yeah but it's it's different when you're on a show like that where you're the judge yeah when you're the one who's uh your job is to discern who's capable of being on the show and if you say something so blatantly sexist and so blatantly judgmental like he's formed an opinion and that's one of the reasons why women women can't be funny I mean he didn't even qualify with you know there are some women that try to be like men and you know that it's a
balanced act it's a balancing act which it is I think it's more difficult for a woman just saw some shitty Comics I'm sorry like a lot of them are shitty and he probably just watched those tapes and I never sent in a tape so I was actually upset that his sentence wasn't except for Eliza schlinger she's awesome I genu thought I would be included in the conversation were you upset when you hear [ __ ] like that like someone said do you feel like that that like gives you like a ramp that you have to like run up where everybody else has like a an even start I got to be honest I feel that my ACT is just so different than every other girl that I just don't include myself in the same category as most female Comics why is that I just do I just I see the audience I see my material I see topics that most women talk about versus what I talk about and the approaches and stuff like that and I just have never viewed women as the competition I think of everyone is a competition but I just don't um I've never seen a girl you really do though you really do think of people as the competition which I always thought is fascinating cuz I was a very competitive person but I tried to never look at other Comics as competition because I think it's unhealthy I think the way to look at Comics as use them for inspiration be inspired by them but when you know it's not like you're playing a game where they can keep you from doing it it's not like you're playing football and they can keep you from getting the ball no it's not direct competition it's you know you're you're smart about it I don't I don't go online and watch everyone else and go I don't Google other people it's not like that but you don't ever watch other acts at the clubs and stuff and I'll sometimes I'll go on and I'll watch certain ones that I really like but I don't do it out of being envious and I you know you keep an ear to it oh that she he auditioned for that or she did this or that's a showcase you get I like going and watching people online because it gives me like a charge I get like excited if I see somebody good like if somebody sends me a clip hey check this guy out and I go watch and it's really fun I go W that's [ __ ] funny I'm going to write like me I get this like like I get charged up like whoa I want to create
something cool that does to me or it does to someone else the way that did to me that is the way I felt the first time I saw Dane Cook like this is a long time ago this must have been five years ago when I just started and someone took me to Laugh Factory and it was like that tourgasm it was [ __ ] like no one else had that when did you start what year I must I graduated college in 2005 so maybe I started 2006 200 2006 pretty fresh 2005 2006 that's kind of amazing you know you w so you won the um Last Comic Standing you only been doing it for like what four years three years three years that's amazing but when I see comedy I like I it makes me happy I never think oh when did you start headlining on the road right after last Comic that is crazy they were like by the way you're a headliner now and how much time did you have I had 45 minutes already at after three years because from doing last Comic you just start building I'm not saying it was the most solid but when they tell you by the way you have to headline now you have one shot to headline and [ __ ] it up they're going to put you at the bottom of the list and a lot of guys did do that right a lot [ __ ] it up I knew that and I was just like I'm not going to give it I'm going to make sure I yeah all the people that did really well from last Comic it's like you um hefron Ralphie May and a couple other people right uh John reap John re John reap did really well yeah what is that Rick Ross the rappers texting you what he sent you Rick Ross no it's just like some huge black guy wow big black guy with his [ __ ] hanging out the big that is for me that just in case I don't I might need that and he's uncircumcised that's really gross that's so gross speaking of uncircumcised this podcast is brought to you by the Fleshlight we want to give thanks to the Fleshlight thanks to Eliza ceser for being hilarious as always this really really fun this was this was even better we know each other better than the last time we did it it was much more loose and relaxed I think I'm excited to go you're going to take me fighting you said yeah I totally I'll tell you I'll take you to yeah yeah I'll teach you some Muay Thai take you to Muay Thai class learn how to kick people's legs it's fun it's great
exercise too it gives you like something like it gives you something it gives you a skill but it also gives you like something to do at the gym I'm going need something to fall back on when the stand up do work you be I bet you could be a serious fighter if you wanted to be you're very you're very smart and you're very competitive all you'd have to do is do the right steps you know don't slack off be disciplined do those are those are legit too right those aren't they're not they're not like BS of silicone well that's good when they actually they have uh chest protectors they have uh silicone these things yeah you wear them it's like a hard plastic goes like it's like a bra protector sort of a plate yeah I don't know how much it helps I mean I don't know what the science behind it is they've they've developed some pretty good science for the balls recently they have some new stuff the balls ball science all our best ball scientists have been hard at work protecting your junk they've been hard at work hard at work clang trying different combinations of things and hitting people ball fast balls all right that's the end of this [ __ ] podcast Eliza you're the [ __ ] thank you thank you for joining us it's uh it's nice to have so many cool friends we're so lucky all of us for real right as comedians we're so lucky to have all these [ __ ] cool friends it's like one of the coolest things about this podcast is this big group of people that we have brought together in Thea you're in the fold you're in there you're in the [ __ ] mix thank you please thank you all right thanks the Fleshlight go to Joe rogan.net click on the link for the Fleshlight enter in the code name Rogan and you will get 15 % off the number one sex toy for men oh [ __ ] and we were also brought to you by on it on it.com on it the makers of alphabrain o n niit t.com makers of alphabrain the cognitive enhancement supplement uh shroom Tech sport the endurance and uh energy supplement for extreme athletic Pursuits if you're into cattle bells or CrossFit classes or Jiu-Jitsu try out some shroom Tech sport it is the [ __ ] I enjoy it I take it before every one of my serious workouts we're also brought to you by shroom Tech immune there's a bunch of different products on onet.com go there
check it out if you go to my website Joe rogan.net click on the link for alphab brain enter in the code name Rogan you'll save 10% off and as always the first 30 pills the first size you buy whatever it is first order rather if you don't like it you get 100% money back guarantee you don't even have to send it back in all right we love you freaks we see you soon yeah tomorrow it'll be one of the best shows ever we could ever put together it'll be little Esther it'll be Joey [ __ ] Diaz Duncan Trussell Brian Redban Jason TBO Jason t-bo and me all the ice house it's only like 15 bucks right ice housec comedy.com and Ice House is by the way run by some of the nicest people the weight staff is cool as [ __ ] the whole place has a great vibe to it it's a really cool old school comedy club in Pasadena that's been around since like the 1960s I think it's really badass it's one of my favorite places and it's also where we do the nice house Chronicles podcast which is while we're doing shows there simultaneously we have a studio and we do podcasts at the same time aij SL year you've been on that podcast I have twice twice once was a scratch the next the uh and when when we do it it's really your your dog just went in there go get he's eating [ __ ] Jesus Christ anyway um helping you out we're uh uh whatever on.com blah blah blah okay so this Thursday night how do they get to it Ice House ice housec comedy.com we also have a show Friday without joean but a bunch of other Comics so ice housec comedy.com also Friday if you're going to be in Vegas I am going to be with Joey Diaz and Duncan trussle we're doing the house of [ __ ] blues at the manderlay bay then the next day it's Carlos conduit and Nick Diaz Jesus Christ the [ __ ] stars of aligned God it's going to be crazy it's going to be an awesome Epic weekend between two of the best fighters on the planet Earth and two of the three best 170 Pounders in the world and this is going to be chaos I can't [ __ ] wait the whole card is next the whole card sick um and so that's this weekend Friday night House of Blues tomorrow night Thursday night passadena ice house for all information go follow me on Twitter follow Redban follow Eliza i l i z a super easy and anybody else they should follow any friend you want
to pull out Twitter's nice oh can I say one thing uh text from Bennett the Twitter account that I told you about that's hilarious that is like a billion followers on a show to yeah explain it again uh it's this guy uh his name is Mac Lethal and he's this white guy who's got a cousin who thinks he's black and the sends him texts all the time he doesn't know that he has this account and they're It's the funniest most ignorant stuff you've ever heard and he's created this account but he is a huge fan and he wanted you to know oh please I'm going there right now you send him a tweet I'll show you Fu text from what it's like txts from Bennett be all right all right all right that's it sorry Paige doesn't exist we love you [ __ ] we'll see you soon bye-bye